The universe is simultaneously elegantly simple and profoundly complicated. -- Adam Rifkin, 1992 *** Adam Rifkin's Question of the week: Which faculty member claims that "Reality is a special case"? First person to guess the correct answer gets an autographed copy of my parallel sim project which works for all inputs except the special case. *** "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." -- English Professor, Providence College *** Adam Rifkin's Top Ten Reasons to Be a Computer Consultant 10. All those lovely chats with supervisors. 9. Get to answer same question over and over. 8. Never know when you will be asked how pointers work. 7. Safer than watching a hockey game. 6. Get to harass Rumman Gaffur. 5. Can dial 900 numbers from grad student phone while on duty. 4. It's what your mother always wanted you to do. 3. Wonderful groupies bring you food and drink. 2. Get to play Gameboy for cash. And the Number one reason to be a Computer Consultant... 1. The babes, man, the babes! *** Adam Rifkin's schedule, Spring 1992 CS 594 2-3pm WF (Dr. Kearns) -- Theory of OS (audit) CS 535 12:30-2 TT (Dr. Miller) -- Software Engineering (audit) CS 656 2-3:30 TT (Dr. Simha) -- Topics in Modelling CS 654 3:30-5 TT (Dr. Nicol) -- Parallel Simulation CS 566 3:30-5 TT (Dr. Park) -- Discrete Event Sim (audit) Incidentally, my taking these two classes at once is parallel processing in action! CS 607 5-6:30 TT (Dr. Miller) -- Computer Vision Ed 666 7-8:30 Th (Dr. Scholnick) -- Teaching at College (audit) Working for Dr. Nicol, 10-2 MWF and evenings and weekends ---> Working on the fault tolerance reliability estimation systems testbed (REST) Meeting with Dr. Nicol, 3pm Wednesdays (REST GUI) ---> Designing the GUI for xREST Meeting with Dr. Simha, 3pm Thursdays (Stochastic Optimization) ---> Working on a mobile databases project Meeting with Software Engineering group, 6pm Mondays ---> Working on Blue Ribbon panel project Grading for CS 554, Computer Networks, with Dr. Simha Consulting 2-4pm Sundays Consulting 2-5pm Mondays Current tasks on the queue: o Interweave RML in my REST GUI [Knuth difficulty level 50] o Reread the Boris Lubachevsky article for Parallel Simulation [30] o Design 1024 node network simulation for Parallel Simulation [40] o Construct my Mobile Databases discrete event simulation for the Stochastic Optimization class [50] o Build a three-character recognizer for Computer Vision [40] o Encode and test software engineering project [40] o Look for a job or a school or SOMETHING to do after May 15 [100] ---> Actually, I now have plans... May 15 - June 30 --> work with David to finish REST GUI July --> Get to California (cause there's gold in those hills) Aug 1 - 1997 --> work at Caltech on the ol' Ph.D.!!! POP x Sat, Feb 22 - raising funds for MDA (over $4000 raised) POP x Tue, Feb 25 - Giving a lecture on Scheduling Theory POP x Thu, Feb 27 thru Sun, Mar 1 - visiting CalTech POP x Tue, Mar 3 - Giving second lecture on Scheduling Theory POP x Fri, Mar 6 thru Fri, Mar 13 - Spring Lack-of-Break POP x Fri, Mar 13 thru Sun, Mar 15 - visiting Princeton University Current plans on the stack: o Wed, Mar 25 - Giving lecture on Xwindows Overview o Wed, Apr 8 thru Fri, Apr 10 - Presenting paper at 30th annual Southeast US ACM Regional Conference at NC State o Sun, May 10 - GRADUATE!!! (M.S., here I come!!!) *** "Call on God, but row away from the rocks." --- Indian proverb "I think I'd like my hypercube userid to be... phlegm. That way people could finger -l phlegm@hc.cs.wm.edu and I could have something wittier in my .plan" --- Adam Rifkin *** In the beginning, there was nothing but darkness. And God said, "Let there be light." And then He could see that there was nothing. "WHOA -- there's nothing here... not even darkness!!!" *** Mary had a little watch She swallowed it one day And so she took some castor oil To pass the time away. Mary had a little lamb You've heard this tale before But did you know she passed her plate And had a little more? *** To A Quick Brown Fox: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. -- Lazy Dog *** Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" *** Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; YOU MIGHT AS WELL LIVE. - Dorothy Parker *** GOD is applied POWER which is applied GOVERNMENT which is applied POLITICS which is applied ADVERTISING which is applied SOCIOLOGY which is applied PSYCHOLOGY which is applied BIOLOGY which is applied CHEMISTRY which is applied PHYSICS which is applied MATH which is applied PHILOSOPHY which is applied BULLSHIT *** In his 1989 book _Crazy English_, Richard Lederer calls such words contranyms and lists more than 35, although some are phrases instead of words. These can be divided into homographs (same spelling) and homophones (same pronunciati on). A partial list of homographs: bill = invoice, money cleave = to separate, to join clip = cut apart, fasten together dust = to remove, add fine particles fast = rapid, unmoving literally = actually, figuratively moot = debatable, not needing to be debated (already decided) note = promise to pay, money oversight = care, error peep = look quietly, beep peer = noble, companion put = lay, throw puzzle = pose problem, solve problem ravel = entangle, disentangle resign = to quit, to sign up again sanction = to approve of, to punish sanguine = murderous, optimistic scan = to examine closely, to glance at quickly set = fix, flow skin = to cover with, remove outer covering temper = calmness, passion trim = cut things off, put things on A very short list of homophones: aural, oral = heard, spoken raise, raze = erect, tear down *** My ethicator machine must've had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron! I'm a genius! -- Calvin *** Calvin: "Dad, how come those old photographs are in black and white? Didn't they have color pictures back then?" Dad: "Those old photos ARE in color. It's just that the WOLRD was black and white. There wasn't color until sometime in the 30's, and it was pretty grainy color." Calvin: "Wow, that's really strange." Dad: "Well, fact can sometimes be stranger than fiction." Calvin: "Then how come old paintings are in color? Wouldn't the artists have painted just in shades of grey?" Dad: "Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were crazy." Calvin: "Then how come they're in color now?" Dad: "They turned into color in the 30's with everything else." Calvin: "Then why aren't those old photos turn color?" Dad: "Because they were photos of a black and white world, remember?" ... Calvin: "The world is complicated place, Hobbes." Hobbes: "Whenever it seems that way, I sleep in a tree until supper time." *** OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE Mora Labs Intro New Family Member Talence, France - March 8, 1992 - Mora Laboratories unleashed today a new unit, nicknamed Audrey. After 9 months of painstaking development, the new unit has been released today at 10:25 PM, and initial tests showed that it is fully functional and conformant to all specs. Audrey comprises a self-contained, autonomous, milk-powered set of closely-coupled components, weighting only 2.85 kilograms. The main part is a self-growing, multi-layered neural network which is expected to show astounding self-learning capabilities. The network analyses inputs from various data sources (mainly stereoscopic vision, stereophonic sound input and sensitive skin.) Many forms of parallel processing take place in the network, and the results are converted into several forms of output, through a speech interface and a body language activator. According to Karine, Chief of Development and Vice President of Mora Labs, "it is only the beginning. Later on, we'll teach Audrey how to fight for a place in the sun." So far, only incomplete sounds and moves have been observed, but after early experiments, Mora Labs hope for a quick improvement. The milk- powered energy supply has already automatically connected itself to the voice interface, allowing an audible signal to be heard whenever its milk level falls below a threshold. Frederic, Chief of Financing and Vice President of Mora Labs, says that the development has been sometimes difficult. "We encountered strange problems during the development, some of them related to the lack of adequate foods in the middle of the night, which resulted in bringing the whole Development Department to a distressing bad mood," he says. "Also, around the end of 1991, the prototype was apparently advanced enough for an immediate release. Of course it was a fallacious, dangerous illusion. It was lacking finition, it would have been endangered on that harsh market outside here." But the firm heads are now optimistic that Audrey will be able to evolve and acquire all the capabilities it needs for surviving today on the modern market. "We are quite confident it will quickly acquire some much-needed abilities", Frederic says, "like sharp-shooting and urban guerilla warfare." *** From: rumman gaffur Subject: Useful Military Jargons (UMJ) TOFU - Things Ordinary : Fucked Up. SNAFU - Situation Normal : All Fucked Up. MFU - Military Fuck Up. FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. JANFU - Jointed Army-Navy Fuck Up. SAMFU - Self-Adjusting Military Fuck Up. SAPFU - Surpassing All Previous Fuck Ups. SUSFU - Situation Unchanged, Still Fucked Up. TARFU - Things Are Really Fucked Up. TUIFU - The Ultimate In Fuck Ups. Now remember who is second in command of the nuclear button! *** From rumman gaffur Thu Aug 8 15:15:18 1991 HEAVEN is where the police is british, the cooks french, the mechanics german, the lovers french and it is all organized by swiss. HELL is where the police is german, the cooks british, the mechanics french, the lovers swiss and it is all organized by italian. HEAVEN is a Japanese wife, Chinese food, a British mansion, and an American salary. HELL is an American wife, British food, a Japanese mansion(*), and a Chinese salary. (* Japanese use the word "mansion" for a tiny apartment or condominium of around 20 to 100 square metres in size. Mine's 30 square metres.) *** The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 *** Subhas Roy' fortune classics: Brain is an apparatus with which we think that we think. Cigarette: Fire at one end, a fool at the other and a little tobacco in between. Love is a word made up of two vowels. Two consonants. And two fools. Opinions are like assholes, - everybody has one, but nobody wants to look at others'. Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disppointed. Sex is like biliard game. If you have good hand, you don't need a partner. Ultimately it boils down to the dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it. *** "It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses...Hit it!" --"The Blues Brothers" *** Once a city boy went out for a drive in the country. He stopped at a farm to look around. After awhile, he asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow have horns?" The farmer replied, "There are several reasons why a cow might not have horns. Some breeds, like the Charolais, are naturally hornless. Some calves have their horn growth disrupted by putting acid on the horn buds. Sometimes the horns are sawn off an adult cow. But this particular cow has no horns because it is a horse." -- Buddy Hackett *** Balls said the Queen, if I had 2 I'd be King. The King laughed, not because he wanted 2 but because he had 2. *** _..-'( )`-.._ ./'. '||\\. (\_/) .//||` .`\. ./'.|'.'||||\\|.. )O O( ..|//||||`.`|.`\. ./'..|'.|| |||||\`````` '`"'` ''''''/||||| ||.`|..`\. ./'.||'.|||| ||||||||||||. .|||||||||||| |||||.`||.`\. /'|||'.|||||| ||||||||||||{ }|||||||||||| ||||||.`|||`\ '.|||'.||||||| ||||||||||||{ }|||||||||||| |||||||.`|||.` '.||| ||||||||| |/' ``\||`` ''||/'' `\| ||||||||| |||.` |/' \./' `\./ \!|\ /|!/ \./' `\./ `\| V V V }' `\ /' `{ V V V ` ` ` V ' ' ' *** SILENTS: longest sequence BROUGHAM (4, UGHA) for each letter AISLE, COMB, INDICT, HANDSOME, TWITCHED, HALFPENNY, GNOME, MYRRH, BUSINESS, MARIJUANA, KNOCK, TALK, MNEMONIC, AUTUMN, PEOPLE, PSYCHE, CINQCENTS, FORECASTLE, VISCOUNT, HAUTBOY, PLAQUE, FIVEPENCE, WRITE, TABLEAUX, PRAYER, RENDEZVOUS homophones, for each letter O(A)R, LAM(B), S(C)ENT, LEGER, DO(E), WAF(F), REI(G)N, (H)OUR, WA(I)VE, HAJ(J)I, (K)NOT, HA(L)VE, PRIM(M)ER, DAM(N), J(O)UST, (P)SALTER, ?, CAR(R)IES, (S)CENT, TARO(T), B(U)Y, ?, T(W)O, ?, RE(Y), BIZ(Z) *** >question: what is the highest POSSIBLE score for jeopardy ? $283,200. All answers in first round right, with the Daily Double under a $100 square. Find it last. Bet everything. Get it right. Total: $17,800. Second round: Both Daily Doubles under $200 squares. Find them last. Bet all on each. Get them right. Total: $141,600. Final Jeopardy!: Bet it all. Get it right. $283,200. - Mike Lewis trump@leland.stanford.edu *** NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear...fear and surprise...Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency...Our THREE weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our FOUR...no... AMONGST our weapons...Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise... *** Fifty flippant frogs Walked by on flippered feet And with their slime they made the time Unnaturally fleet. *** Announcement #23 Date: Mon, 03 Dec 90 14:52:37 -0500 From: tracey@ga.cs.wm.edu Subject: A Question of Logic If a cat always lands on its feet -and- Buttered bread always lands butter side down What will happen if you tie a piece of buttered bread, butter side up, to the back of your cat? *** An engineer is a person who passes as an exciting technical expert on the basis of being able to turn out with prolific fortitude, infinite strings of incomprehensive estimates calculated with microscopic precision from vague assumptions and debatable figures taken from inconclusive data obtained with recording devices of problematical accuracy by uninformed persons of doubtful reliability and questionable mentality. Author: Unknown *** hansen@myria.cs.umn.edu (David M. Hansen) writes: >> One night, while on a business trip in Lubbock, Texas, we ate at a cajun >> restaurant called Jazz (I think). The waitress was wearing a T-shirt on >> which was printed: >> >> Shuck me, >> Suck me, >> Eat me Raw. >> >> along with some drawings of oysters. *** From: resnicks@netcom.com (Steve Resnick) Seen on a condom machine in the bathroom of a bar: Gee, this gum tastes funny. From: martin@specialix.co.uk (Martin) Yeah but what bubbles! *** From: wollman@uvm.edu Interesting. My 386BSD /usr/src/sys/kern/sysv_shm.c says: shminit() { register int i; vm_offset_t whocares1, whocares2; shm_map = kmem_suballoc(kernel_map, &whocares1, &whocares2, shminfo.shmall * NBPG, FALSE); if (shminfo.shmmni > SHMMMNI) shminfo.shmmni = SHMMMNI; for (i = 0; i < shminfo.shmmni; i++) { shmsegs[i].shm_perm.mode = 0; shmsegs[i].shm_perm.seq = 0; } } ...but that's the only `cares' I can find in that kernel anyhow. Of course, on BSD systems, to see even more interesting code, all you have to do is read /etc/termcap... *** (BY David Halfacre ,HALFACRED@CITADEL.EDU) TOP TEN WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL 10. During the eulogy, do a banzai charge on the coffin with a can of gasoline and a Zippo and "bury" the deceased "Viking Style." 9. Ask the widow if her husband's job has been filled yet and leave your business card with her. 8. Attach a beeper to the deceased and call it as the casket is being lowered in the grave. 7. Bury the deceased with his cellular phone on and last dialed to someone in Borneo.(This works well everywhere except Borneo.) 6. Get three of your female friends to show up at the church all claiming to be married to the deceased. 5. Get Prince or 2 Live Crew to play with the church choir. 4. Set up a hidden speaker system in the church and play GOD! 3. Scream out from the back of the church to the widow, "GOOD NEWS! Your test results are back and you're pregnant!" 2. Dress the deceased up like a pharaoh and bury him with his mummified cat. (Then serve the pickled cat organs at the widow's house after the funeral.) AND ... THE NUMBER ONE OTHER WAY TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A FUNERAL ... 1. Take the deceased bungee jumping one last time!!! *** Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. *** David Letterman's Top Ten Reason Why We Are Here: 10. To invent, perfect and mass-produce the Sneaker Phone. 9. So dogs and cats don't have to work for a living. 8. To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then. 7. To give the porpoises someone to feel superior to. 6. To convert useless oxygen into valuable carbon dioxide. 5. To provide cheap entertainment for the Neptunian Telescope People. 4. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. 3. To purchase the fine books and magazines of Time Warner, Inc. 2. I think it has something to do with proteins or amino acids or something. 1. To polka, baby, polka! *** Higgeldy Piggeldy, Hamlet of Elsinore Ruffled the critics by Dropping this bomb: "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just love Mom." *** You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into... the Twilight Zone. *** >in King Lear; Act II, Scene II -- Before Gloster's Castle, Kent writes: >>in King Lear; Act II, Scene II -- Before Gloster's Castle, Oswald writes: >> >> What dost thou know me for? > >A knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, >three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, >action-taking whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue; one- >trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a baws, in way of good service, >and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and >the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous >whining, if thou denyest the least syllable of thy addition. > >> Why, what a monstrous fellow art thou, thus to rail on one that is neither >> known of thee nor knows thee? *** In article <20676@agate.BERKELEY.EDU> nj@ernie.Berkeley.EDU (i) writes: me? morbid? i'm not morbid. i'm never morbid. why, i believe in the beauty of a precious, sweet-smelling flower. i'm not morbid. how dare you call me morbid? i believe in young love. i believe in everlasting life! i believe in the healing power of crystals! you call me morbid? i think it's morning in america! i believe david duke wants to stop the terrible, widespread oppression of true whites by blacks and jews! jesus christ is a CLOSE, PERSONAL SAVIOR of mine and i love LEO BUSCAGLIA! i am not morbid! crack ISN'T making the city of san francisco go bankrupt! green springtime MEADOWS! verdant PLAINS of GRAZING DEER! i have visions of PLAYING OTTERS! i am NOT morbid, dammit; i LOVE LIFE and i let it SHOW! we DON'T have to DUCK when the SHIT hits the FAN! barry manilow! i think EVERYTHING is BEAUTIFUL and EVERYTHING is FINE and EVERYONE is essentially GOOD inside so FUCK YOU because THIS IS THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS and if you DON'T LIKE IT you can FUCKING go live somewhere ELSE, asswipe. and it wasn't a fucking POEM, anyway. *** better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for (goodness sake) { be good } *** Q. Define "Bernoulli Trials" A. John and his brother Jacob Bernoulli, both Professors of Mathematics at he University of Basel, Switzerland in the late 1600's. Their interests turned to the Theory of Probability, and in 1694 they were accused of organized gambling. In a well-publicized courtroom appearance, John Bernoulli accused the judge of bias, but was overruled. He then demanded that he and his brother be tried *independently*, and this request was granted. The verdict was a tossup. *** "I decided to take up smoking. They say that it lowers your life expectancy, and quite frankly I think that I expect too much out of life." *** J. Walter Thompson, a huge ad agency, has a test for all wannabe copywriters. They print it every few years as a full page ad in many major newspapers. They call the campaign "Write if you want work." My response to the question, "Write the history of the United States in 100 words or less": Creation. Evolution. Civilization. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation. Representation? Declaration. Revolution. Celebration. Constitutionalization. Election. Inauguration. Succession. Institutionalization. Conflagration. Migration. Plantation. Expansion. Destination Manifestation. Annexation. Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. Emancipation Proclamation. Assassination. Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination. Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation. Stratification. Assassination. Unionization. Protection. Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction. League of Nations. Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization. Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration. Fission-n-Fusion. Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization. Militarization. Partition. Persecution. Automation. Failed Invasion. Assassination. Investigation. Division. Demonstration. Assassination. Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination. Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation. Stratification. Assassination. Unionization. Protection. Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction. League of Nations. Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization. Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration. Fission-n-Fusion. Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization. Militarization. Partition. Persecution. Automation. Failed Invasion. Assassination. Investigation. Division. Demonstration. Mind Alteration. Space Exploration. Bra Incineration. Obfuscation. Resignation. Elation. Stupification. Abortion. Stagflation. Gas Station. Computerization. Communication. Deregulation. Pollution. Deforestation. Kinder, Gentler Nation. Reunification. Reconciliation. Verification. Recession. Demarcation. Obliteration. Glorification. Education? copyright 1992 david hyatt *** "Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) "365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much fun to watch. -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) *** And diff'ring judgements serve but to declare That truth lies somewhere, if we knew but where. --William Cowper *** "Excuse me, George Herbert, irregular heart-beating, read-my-lying- lipping, slipping in the polls, do nothing, deficit raising, make less money than Millie the White House dog last year, Quayle- loving, sushi-puking Bush. I don't remember inviting your ass to my show. I don't need you on my show. My ratings are higher than yours." --Arsenio Hall, on his June 11 show. *** Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. *** "But a machine that was powerful enough to accelerate particles to the grand unification energy would have to be as big as the Solar System -- and would be unlikely to be funded in the present economic climate." -- Stephen Hawking *** I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!" *** "I believe in the rights of people to own firearms.... Private guns makes every person equal, no matter what/who he/she is." ---Lu Gang, post- doctoral student in Physics at the University of Iowa, who shot and killed two of his professors, a rival post-doc, two staff, and then himself in 1991. *** THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS: Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. *** NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged. Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi- regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. Sex: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Handwriting: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a Blue. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10- items-or-less lane. Going Out: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup... Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Low Blows: Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. qx: 101,$p David Letterman: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut. Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth. Weddings: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party". Socks: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. Nicknames: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. *** EMPLOYEE EVALUATION FORM NAME:_________________________ DATE:____________ KNOWLEDGE: ___The son of a bitch really knows his shit. ___Knows just enough to de dangerous. ___Fucking brain damage. His coffee cup has a higher IQ. ___Only half a brain and is dangerous. ACCURACY: ___Does excellent work. If not preoccupied with pussy. ___Pretty good. Only occasionally blows it out his ass. ___Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten. ___Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice. ATTITUDE: ___Extremely cooperative (If you kiss his ass often). ___Brown noser in good standing. ___Often pisses off co-workers. Thinks he owns the place. ___Doesn't give a shit. Never did - Never will. RELIABILITY: ___Really a dependable little cocksucker. ___Works so hard that he must take an extra day off each week. ___You can rely on him to be the first out the door. ___Totally fucking worthless. APPEARENCE: ___Extremely neat. Even combs his pubic hair. ___Looks great on his day off. ___Flies will leave dog shit to follow him. ___Dirty, Filthy, Smelly son of a bitch. PERFORMANCE: ___Goes like a son of a bitch if there's money in it. ___Does all kind of good shit at evaluation time. ___Works well after an enema. ___Couldn't do less if he were in a coma. LEADERSHIP: ___Carries a chainsaw and gets good results. ___Macho attitude. Command total disgust. ___The dog fasted for three days the last time he brought home pork chops. ___Mother Theresa told him to get fucked. _____________________________________________________________________________ I DO UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE BEEN COUNSELED AND UNDERSTAND MY RIGHTS UNDER THE PRIVACY ACT OF 1974. I FURTHUR ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM AS FUCKED UP AS A FOOTBALL BATTLE FIELD. I WILL MAKE AT LEAST SOME ATTEMPT TO CORRECT MY DEFICIENCIES. SIGNED:_________________________________ *** Avid comic book reader asked his friend: "Why doesn't life come with subtitles?" *** "Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature." *** "...the two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity." --Harlan Ellison *** Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which he succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today. LAW NUMBER I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin with a silk sow. The same is true of money. LAW NUMBER II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would probably be twice as good as yesterday was. LAW NUMBER III: There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. LAW NUMBER IV: If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. LAW NUMBER V: One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average output. LAW NUMBER VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. LAW NUMBER VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. LAW NUMBER VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic. LAW NUMBER IX: Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent possible to make trivial ideas profound...........Q.E.D. LAW NUMBER X: Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. People do not win people fights; lawyers do. LAW NUMBER XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would fly off. LAW NUMBER XII: It costs a lot to build bad products. LAW NUMBER XIII: There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to intermingle the two. LAW NUMBER XIV: After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent of every airplane's weight. LAW NUMBER XV: The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost and two-thirds of the problems. LAW NUMBER XVI: In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be made available to the Marines for the extra day. LAW NUMBER XVII: Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases. LAW NUMBER XVIII: It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of ten degradation accomplished. LAW NUMBER XIX: Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. LAW NUMBER XX: In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding approved the prior yearplus three-fourths of whatever change the administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. LAW NUMBER XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. LAW NUMBER XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. LAW NUMBER XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. LAW NUMBER XXIV: The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most costly action known to man. LAW NUMBER XXV: A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete or a new canvas to an artist. LAW NUMBER XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. LAW NUMBER XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. LAW NUMBER XXVIII: It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. LAW NUMBER XXIX: Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results hang on about half a decade. LAW NUMBER XXX: By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. LAW NUMBER XXXI: The optimum committee has no members. LAW NUMBER XXXII: Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. LAW NUMBER XXXIII: Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. LAW NUMBER XXXIV: The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed randomly. LAW NUMBER XXXV: The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give the data authenticity. LAW NUMBER XXXVI: The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. LAW NUMBER XXXVII: Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. LAW NUMBER XXXVIII: The early bird gets the worm. The early worm....gets eaten. LAW NUMBER XXXIX: Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of the year -- in either direction. LAW NUMBER XL: Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. LAW NUMBER XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets. LAW NUMBER XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. LAW NUMBER XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least. LAW NUMBER XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. LAW NUMBER XLV: One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the unexpected should have been expected. LAW NUMBER XLVI: A billion saved is a billion earned. LAW NUMBER XLVII: Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other third is covered with auditors from headquarters. LAW NUMBER XLVIII: The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. LAW NUMBER XLIX: Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. LAW NUMBER L: The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times as long as the official's who created it. LAW NUMBER LI: By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more government workers than there are workers. LAW NUMBER LII: People working in the private sector should try to save money. There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. *** THE SAGA OF MANAGEMENT REVIEW OF WRITING STYLE QUESTION: How many feet do mice have? ORIGINAL REPLY: Mice have four feet. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Elaborate! REVISION 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: No discussion of 5th appendage! REVISION 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: What? Feet with no legs? REVISION 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? REVISION 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Does not fully discuss the issue! REVISION 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! REVISION 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! REVISION 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature. MANAGEMENT'S COMMENT: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet. *** Read in the "letters to the editor" column of "TIME" in response to an article on teen suicide: "People should be aware of the dangers of killing themselves." *** Torture Techniques (Compiled by Adam Rifkin but NOT to be tried at home. These suggestions come from professionals.) 1. My personal favorite is to take hot solder and burn it into someone's leg, therby allowing it to cool. Once the solder has solidified, re-heat and burn a little deeper. Repeat until it burns a hole (carterized naturally) through their leg. 2. I find a combination of mental and physical torture works best for me {:-) 3. I have always been partial to the badger hole treatment. 4. The Inquisition had a nifty one. They sat you forcefully in a spiked chair made of cast iron, and then lit a fire under you. Of course, you would have a razor-edged gag in your mouth, so that your screaming wouldn't interrupt the conversation of the torturers. Ah, the Inquisition... in the words of Mel Brooks, "what a show". 5. The indians had some excellent torture treatments, depending on the tribe. The Mohawks used to cut a slit in a captives skin and then slowly peel the skin off, skinning you alive. It took quite a while to die. The Hurons used to scalp people, (which doesn't kill you, but is painful enough itself) and then place burning coals on your skull until it burned through into your brain. 6. Hang the person from a ceiling, with manacles on chains stretching through a loop on the ceiling. Tie their arms behind them with chains, and then lift them up by their bound hands. This should effectively dislocate both shoulders.. for a little excitement and spice, you can also tie short chains to their feet and drop them from the person's waist level. This will dislocate their legs as well... 7. The mind games women can play are torture enough without getting into physical brutality... 8. One of my faves is tying the victim to a greased pole with his body suspended over a sharpened stake. He initially starts high up on the pole, but that lasts only so long as he can grip the greased pole tight enough to keep from slipping down onto the sharpened stake which will penetrate his anus. If you don't want to kill him you can lift him upwards some at any point in this excercise. This is an excellent physical and mental torture. Physical because of the damage done by the stake. Mental because the victim has a long time to anticipate and a desperate struggle against an inevitable end. Its fun to prolong it as I said before by allowing the stake to penetrate the victim only so far and then pushing him back up the pole to begin again. 9. Of corse there is the old FBI and police detective standard... 'The Submersion Game'. Two officers/agents come to your home take you into the bathroom and fill your tub with water. Then they push your head under and hold it there. Just before you drown they bring you back up for just long enough for you to snatch one quick breath. Then they submerge you again. This procedure is repeated until you tell thim what they want to know. It is very effective because most humans have terrible fears about suffocation and drowning. Also it doesn't bruise the victim or leave any outward signs that you've been harmed. So later at the station its just your word against theirs.... P.S. The 'Submersion Game' can also be played in the toilet for further demoralization of the victim. 10. Here's one from WWII: In the North Africa campaign enemy nomadic tribes used to do this to Allied soldiers they caught in the desert. I read this in a book written by a veteran of the North Africa compaign. First they would tie the victim up then the women of the tribe would come and cut his tongue out. (all torturing was done by the women. some purity, and honor thing with the men. they couldn't soil their hands.) Then they would get out a large supply of smooth stones. (sedimentary) These were kept for this express purpose. These stones ranged from very small pebbles to fairly large stones almost the size of your fist. They would then tie a rope around the victim's midsection. Now they would begin feeding the victim these pebbles starting with the smallest. The smallest were fairly easy to get down. However as the torture slowly progressed the stones got bigger and bigger. The women would delicately stroke the victimes adam's apple to help him swallow the largest stones. Sometimes it would take minutes to get a large stone all the way down. If any of you have ever swallowed a mouthful of food that was much too large you realize that it causes immediate and intense pain all the way down your throat as it stretches the esophagus. Think about swallowing a smooth rock just smaller than your fist. That's why they cut the tongue out because it gets in the way. (sorry to wander) Finally when they had gotten the last and largest stone down. Your stomach was distended to almost five times its maximun capacity. In fact, by this time the only thing holding your stomach together is the rope that they tied around your torso. SO THEY CUT THE ROPE. Then there is no support for this fantastic weight in your stomach and so your stomach bursts and you die. Then they get their stones back and go home for dinner... Scary to think that actually happened to some people... 11. That reminds me of what happened in the Philippines during and after the Spanish-American War. American soldiers interrogating guerilla rebels would pour massive buckets of water down the throats of people refusing to talk, once again distending the stomach. For those who still didn't have anything to say, kicking or stepping upon the bellies of such people might be resorted to. 12. A fraternity at a private school on Canada was done for torturing their pledges. They would pull out a blanket covered in broken glass and blood stains and tell their pledges that to get in to the fraternity they would have to walk across the blanket, but that it wasn't too painful after a couple of weeks. Those who agreed would then be told to stand in a bucket of ided water for five minutes to lessen the pain. Then they would be blind- folded, so they wouldn't be too shocked at the sight of all the blood and fall over, which would be even nastier. Once they were blindfolded the blanket was quietly switched for one covered in corn flakes and molasses. All they could hear was the crunching under their feet, and because their feet were numb all they could feel was the crunching, and the stickiness, it was very convincing... 13. Another sweet one is the principle used in the story "The Pit and the Pend- ulum" by Poe. Tie someone up beneath a slowly descending swinging axe blade. When it reaches them, then they will be sliced in half. Until it does, they get to watch it as it descends. It's sorta like the greased pole/ impalement thing. 14. And the number one torture of all time: "Let's just be friends." 15. Well there's always the sleep deprivation torture. It doesn't seem as nasty as it really is. This is a variation on it: Put the victim into a cage. i.e. steel grate cage..no solid floor or ceiling just steel grate. The victim is now surrounded by steel grate. This steel grate has been hooked into some electrodes and calibrated to be able to apply a shock along that of a cattle-prod. The cage should be too small to stand up in or to lie down in. The victim should be forced to remain curled up in an uncomfortable ball. Then when the victim begins to fall asleep an operator watching through a videocam jolts him with the juice. There should be shifts of watchers to make sure he gets no sleep. The victim cannot get up, lie flat out, stretch or anything else. Ideally the cage should be small enough so the victim can just barely move. The trick is to see how many days a victim can stay in 'the cage' before he/she goes insane. Better yet, don't ask any questions so the victim percieves nothing which can end his/her torment. They actually did keep people awake as torture in the middle ages. They did it in Nam too. Only the method wasn't so "shocking". Sleep deprivation usually kills before it makes one go insane tho... 16. Here's one from Eddie Murphy... "You see a ring on this finger? I want half!!!!!" 17. CASTRATION WITH A RUSTED, DULL KNIFE 18. You can always rip someone's kneecaps off. 19. Tape an air pump (the kind you use at the gas station to fill your tires) to their mouth, making sure no air will leak out and turn on the machine and leave for a few minutes. 20. Two things... one, hot lead poured into bodily orifices seems to have been exceptionally painful. Also, a metal boot that one fills with boiling oil around the foot of a person. Both of these were used by the Inquisition. Castration with a Kentucky Fried Chicken spork. Definitely the most lethal form of such things. 21. Did any of yall ever see the Deer Hunter? They make people play russian roulette until one dies; in this case, two best buddies. Then they just keep playing until there is only one person left. 22. A druidic thing: cutting a hole in someone's abdomen, taking out the small intestine, and wrapping the person around a tree with it. 23. I think those mexican drug dealers who tortured at least 14 people should be slowly pushed through a meat-grinding machine. Very slowly! That's not poetically just... they should just be sacrificed one at a time to whatever it was that they were feeding all those other people to. 24. Going on the assumption that this topic is still alive (no pun intended), you could always go for a form of torture that has been alluded to in literature from the days of Dante to Poe, to an episode of Miami Vice. A very simple form, yet direct. Just stick a person, completely sober, healthy and aware of what is happening to him, in a room, and seal off all of the exits, so the person has no way of getting out. If you want to add a touch of claustrophobia to the torture, you could chain the victim to the wall and just seal him in standing up, with about an inch of space between the victim and the confines of his new tomb. This is the part that came from Poe. Dante (I think it was Dante) alluded to a situation where a father was sealed in a room with his two childeren. The childeren, being smaller, died of malnutrition first, and the father was forced to sit in the room with the bodies of his two dead childeren for a few days before he died as well. 25. DEATH BY SEX! (Is this torture?) *** One is for sorrow, Two is for joy, Three for a girl, Four a boy, Five is for silver, Six is for gold, And Seven's a secret Never to be told. *** Nada tenemos que esperar, sino de nosotros mismos. All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. -- Monty Python's Flying Circus *** Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed." *** A little boy was in need of some money to buy himself a new bike. He decided to write a letter to God asking for $500. Not knowing were to deliver this letter, a post office clerk redirected it to Prime Minister Mulroney in Ottawa as a joke. Of course, Mulroney gets too many letters for him to read them all so one of his aides read the letter. Touched by the boys story, the aide sent the boy a $5 bill and a signed picture of Mulroney. Later, the boy writes a second letter to God. "I thank you for your generous gift, but did you have to send it through Ottawa. That Mulroney took 99% for taxes." *** From: hellier@skat.usc.edu (Chuck Hellier) Olympic BasketBall Dream Team Drinking Game '92 Version 1.0 (C) 1992 Chuck Hellier Tune in the TripleCast Blue channel to watch USA crush yet another 3rd rate team that even Slippery Rock could beat. Although the Dream Team's plays will be exciting, follow the rules of this game to complete the experience. Collect all 10 McDonald's Dream Team Cups. Distribute cups to Drinking Game players. Assume the identity of the Dream Team player on your cup. Fill your cup as follows: Magic Johnson Margarita Patrick Ewing Long Island Ice Tea Larry Bird Sam Adams Karl Malone Kamikaze Michael Jordan Gatorade 'n' Vodka Charles Barkley Coors Lite Chris Mullin Gin 'n' Tonic John Stockton Sierra Nevada Pale Ale Scotty Pippen Coke 'n' Rum David Robinson Fuzzy Navel Get two bottles for the players who don't have McD's cups: Christian Laetner Miller Genuine Draft Clyde Drexler Heineken If the other team makes a free throw, everybody BOO. If the other team makes a 2 pointer, everbody yell "Aaarrggghh." If the other team makes a 3 pointer, everybody say "Aw, shit." If the other team misses, everybody yell, "Yay!" If your player makes a free throw, everyone else take a sip. If your player makes a 2 pointer, everyone else drink. If your player makes a 3 pointer, everyone else take a big gulp. If your player misses, take two drinks. If your player fouls, take 3 drinks. If your player grandstands, drink. If Barkley disses somebody, whoever is "Barkley" has to drink. If Magic assists somebody, that person has to drink. If Larry falls, "Larry" has to drink. If Chick makes a Chick-ism, everybody drink. If it's new (i.e. not Mustard or popcorn machine), drink twice. If someone mentions how International rules differ from NBA rules, everyone yell "NBA Rules!" and the last person to do so has to drink. If someone mispronounces a foreigner's name, call out the proper pronunciation. Everyone else drink. If you see the Barcelona Cat, yell "I hate that stupid cat!." The last person to do so has to drink. If the buzzer (that sounds like the 1st note in the Olympic Theme) sounds, everyone hum the next 5 notes. If someone talks about the rumor that Magic will come back to the NBA, "Magic" has to drink. If someone says that the other team is only concerned with getting the autographs of the Dream Team, drink. If they show a shot of John Stockton on the bench, "Stockton" has to drink. If the message "If you are watching this, you are authorized to watch this..." comes on, throw your drink at the TV. *** From: partee@iastate.edu We read an article claiming that the average American does not know the correct answer to the following question: If a pen is dropped on a moon, will it: A) Float away B) Float where it is C) Fall to the surface of the moon So a bunch of us TA's got together and gave our physics classes quizzes asking this question. Out of 168 people taking the quiz, 48 missed the question. The responses are below. Some people didn't write comments. The spelling and grammer were not changed, however, clarifying comments are enclosed in []'s. Physics 324 - Modern Physics for Engineers "A body is at rest tends to stay at rest, plus there's no gravity" "The gravity of the moon can be said to be negligible, and also the moon's a vacuum, there is no external force on the pen. Therefore it will float where it is." "The pen will float away because the gravitational pull of the moon, being approximately 1/6 that of the earth, will not be enough to cause the pen to fall nor remain stationary where it is. The gravatational pull of other objects would influence the pen" Physics 222 - Second Semester Calculus-based Introductory Physics "Because moon has gravitation 1/6 of the gravitation of earth the force will be small toward the moon [so it will float away]" Physics 221 - First Semester Calculus-based Introductory Physics "It will fall to the earth by force of gravity and by the attraction between the earth and the moon" "Because the gravitational pull of the moon is much weaker than that of the earth. And object such as a pen is so lite that it will float" "Because there are no external forces if you let go [it will float where it is] "External forces that are present on the moon will attract the pen. There isn't gravity on the moon as there is on earth so the pen won't drop." "Since there is no gravity it will float and fall slowly. It will not fall like in the ground quickly because there is no gravity" "The force of gravity on the moon is a fraction of the gravity on the earth, so the moon would not be able to attract the pen to inself. Rather, it would only be able to suspend the pen" "It will eventually fall to the surface of the moon because of the slight gravitational field plus the moment of inertia about the moon. Also with angular momentum being conserved, it must fall. I=MR^2" [We were studying conservation of angular momentum when I gave this quiz] "The pen will fall to the surface of the moon. As we let go we will introduce some initial enerty into the pen thus putting it in a forward downward motion. Since on the moon there is no force of resistance the pen will fall very slowly towards the surface" "If you are standing on the moon holding a pen and you let go, it will float where it is. It will not fall to the surface of the moon because a gravitational force strong enough to cause this does not exist. In addition, the pen does not have a lot of external force on it, so it will not be likely to move" "The pen will fall to the surface of the moon because the moon generates a gravitational field by rotating and the pen must act under this force". Physics 111 - First semester Non-calculus Physics "It will float where it is because there is no gravity force on the moon. Also, if you just let go there isno acceleration so it should just float where it is." "There is no gravitational force on the moon, the pen therefore has no weight so its mass has no effect on 'where it goes'. Plus, you know, there is no wind to blow the pen up there! =)" Astronomy 150 - Physics for humanities majors "[It will float where it is] Because there isn't a real strong gravity force on the moon. Actually it is like having none at all. If I remember right, it is only like 2.9m/s (force of gravity)" "It will float away because the gravity of the moon won't pull it down to the surface, but it won't stay where it is because there is always some force acting on mass - (even though the gravity of the moon isn't strong enough)" "The gravity of the earth will pull it more than that of the moon, so it will float toward earth" "It'll float away because your body is not able to stay completely still. So it would float in the direction your hand was shaking" "There is not much gravitational pull on the moon to have it fall to the surface. The pen is so small and light, it probably would not be affected by the gravitation of the moon so it would float away." "There is no gravity in space so if you just let it go, it will just gently float away." "It will float away because the gravitational force is less than here on the Earth where it would fall. I think it will float away because of what I have seen of the space rooms NASA uses to get astronauts ready for flight." "Theoretically, it should float away because it has no mass, gravity does not pull the pen towards the surface at a great enough rate to make it fall, however it does have enough force to keep it floating and ultimately it will drift away." "Because there is no gravity on the moon. Therefore it would float away because there is nothing to hold it there or to pull it to the surface of the moon" "[It will float away] Because there would be no gravitational force to hold it there or make it fall to the surface of the moon" "There is no gravitational pull on the moon to cause pen to come back towards surface. The pen would float away probably toward the gravitational pull of the earth." "[It will float where it is] Because there is no gravitational pull. It will neither fall towards the moon because there is no gravity to pull it there nor is there any other gravitational force that will pull it away from the moon." "Float where it is and will not move because there is no gravitational pull, it will not float away unless it is pushed." "The gravity on the moon is such that it won't be pulled to the surface, and since the pen won't make any movement it should float where it is." "It will float where it is until a force acts upon it. There is no gravity to act upon it." Astronomy 120 - Physics for brain-dead "[It will float away because there is] no gravity to hold it and no atmosphere" "[It will float away] because the gravity on the moon is not as great as it is on the earth" "Because the earth is a greater mass and the pen will be pulled toward the greater body because of gravity. The moon doesn't have that great of a gravitational pull" "No gravitatational pull so it won't fall and no force pulling it away so it will float where it is" "Lack of gravity on moon allows pen to float in space" "Because there is no gravitational pull on the moon, there is no pull towards the moon or away from." "The moon doesn't have gravity like the earth which would bring the pen down to the surface instead the moon's atmosphere would cause it to float above the moon's surface." "Gravity will not pull it down, because there is less of it. It shouldn't float away just because I've never seen it happen. There's a balance between gravity and the opposite force." "It would float where it is because gravity would not let it fall to the surface (there is no gravity) on the moon. It would not float away because it has no mass." *** From: rsharma@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (Rajesh K. Sharma) I found this in sci.research.careers (a great newsgroup to read if you want to really feel surrounded by dark black depression, by the way) and thought it might be of interest. -- Begin quoted article from sci.research.careers -- From: wayner@cs.cornell.edu (Peter Wayner) mvanheyn@silky.cs.indiana.edu (Marc VanHeyningen) writes: >(Hmmm. I wonder how close we're getting to the point where the average >payoff of a lottery ticket is greater than the average payoff of sending >in a c.v. for a tenure-track position?) I did the calculation a while ago. Cost of getting a PhD: $150,000- $250,000 in tuition and barebones living expenses. Most of us in the sciences have this paid by the government. Many of us have "lost" income by going to graduate school because we gave up jobs that paid substantially more than the stipend. In my case I've "lost" about $150,000 to $250,000 in the deal. How many PhDs a year in Comp. Sci. (for example): 850-1000 How many Professorships in Universities: 35-70 How many Professorships in Colleges: 70-100 (estimate) Chance of ending up in a Professorship after you do a few PostDocs : 1 in 10 to 1 in 5 Odds of winning the Virginia Lotto is about one chance in 7 million. "Investing" $250,000 in the Lotto gives you 1 chance in 28 of winning. "Investing" $500,000 in the Lotto gives you 1 chance in 14 of winning. So the odds of just "getting" a Professorship are still somewhat better. But what about the Payoff? Lotto: 20 year annuity where the winning amount (usually between 3 and 10 million dollars) is paid out annually. That comes out to between $150,000 a year and $500,000 a year.) Professorship: $40,000 to $80,000 (when you get tenure at a top-flight university) When you normalize for this, the substantially higher payoff of the Lotto starts equalizing things. What about the Work Load? Lotto: Posing for pictures for the Lotto advertisement agency. Answering questions of newspaper reporters. Fending off relatives who want a slice of the action. Talking to Robin Leach. Professorship: Posing for pictures for the Alumni news agency. Answering questions of undergraduates. Fending off relatives who want help setting up their home computer systems. Things are starting to tilt toward the Lotto, huh? If you can handle Robin Leach. What about the downside? PhD: Well you can still find employment in many different places. They may not care about your dissertation or give you the chance to do research, but you can usually fool people into thinking that the PhD makes you smart.Is this job any better than the one you could have gotten with your BS degree? Who knows... Lotto: You're broke and out of luck. Your only chance is getting your gambling declared a "disease" that should be covered by public health care. This would probably generate a bigger monthly check than your stipend. The PhD is definitely a win here. What about the cost in time? Lotto: One week of gritting your teeth. Cost: negligible. You can still watch "Studs" or the "Love Connection" during this time. PhD: 3-7 years of your life. No TV. No friends. Old people like to say things like, "Enjoy your youth. It's the best time of your life." Yeah, but what about the knowledge? Lotto: PhD in the school of life. Dissertation topic: "A fool and his money are soon parted." PhD: Lots of great knowledge. Really. You can't discount this if you're a nerd. If you're even considering graduate school then you probably place plenty of abstract value and pride in understanding and applying the calculus of variations. What is the lesson in all of this? The odds are pretty close. The PhD gives you a much better downside if you're risk adverse, but the upside of winning the Lotto is substantially better. Note that my numbers were taken from Computer Science-- one of the "hot" fields. If you're one of the people that feels that government money is just "funny" money that would have just gone for bombs, then the odds get a bit harder to compute. The whole deal is just a low paying job and you're only sacrificing lost income. If you don't have a job anyways, then graduate school is a pure win that doesn't really cost you anything. It's sort of like welfare for clean-cut, middle-class kids. What if you're a scientist-- the type who does everything rationally by the numbers. This leads to a really deep paradox. The whole job of doing science is monetarily equivalent to "investing" in a gambling scheme where the odds are heavily stacked against you. Most scientists disdain gambling because they know the math. Why do they even bother doing science? (I know, I know. Because they "love" learning. But everyone at Gamblers Anonymous "loves" the Lotto.) *** From: Gil Yee SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions ---------------------------- TAOISM: Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. CONFUCIANISM: Confucious say, "Shit happens". BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Shit will happen again to you next time. ZEN-BUDDHISM: What is the sound of shit happening? HINDUISM: This shit has happened before. This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life. PROTESTANTISM: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. Let shit happen to someone else. CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserved it. CHARISMATIC CATHOLICISM: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway. JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US? REFORM JUDAISM: Got any laxatives? ISLAM: That shit happens is the will of Allah. If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah. NEWAGE: That's not shit, it's feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit. EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. WICCA: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armaggedon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves. CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray. ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit. It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it. RELIGION FROM AN ATHEIST'S POINT OF VIEW: I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit. RASTAFARIAN: Let's roll that shit up and smoke it. MORMON: Hey, there's more shit over here! Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. UNITARIANISM: Go ahead, shit anywhere you want. IRAQI BAATHIST: Oh shit! VOODOO: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. TELEVANGELISM: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening. AGNOSTICISM: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. =========================================================================== SHIT HAPPENS in other various ways ----------------------- YUPPIE SHIT: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful? AN EMPLOYER: Shit happens, and rolls down hill. HEISENBERGISM: Shit happened, we just don't know where. NIXONISM: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it. McCARTHYISM: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit? COMMUNISM: It's everybody's shit. CAPITALISM: Shit happens, and it'll cost you! REALISM: I think I need to take a shit. Vegetarianism ==> If it happens to shit, Don't eat it. =========================================================================== Boy, those guys REALLY know their shit. *** Arthur Dent : "It's at times like this I wish I'd listened to what my mother told me." Ford Prefect : "Why, what did she tell you?" Arthur Dent : "I don't know! I didn't listen!" from "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy" Copyright Douglas Adams *** MORE SPORTS RESULTS: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. *** The 10 top-grossing movies, year of release, total gross: 1. "E.T. -- The Extraterrestrial," 1982, $399.8 million. 2. "Star Wars," 1977, $322 million. 3. "Home Alone," 1990, $281.6 million. 4. "Return of the Jedi," 1983, $263 million. 5. "Jaws," 1975, $260 million. 6. "Batman," 1989, $251.2 million. 7. "Raiders of the Lost Ark," 1981, $242.4 million. 8. "Beverly Hills Cop," 1984, $234.8 million. 9. "The Empire Strikes Back," 1980, $223 million. 10. "Ghostbusters," 1984, $220.9 million. *** Aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement. Afterism, n.: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. -- James Alexander Thom *** It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle? *** Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" *** "These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!" *** It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen *** When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. -- R. A. Lafferty *** Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines. -- R. Buckminster Fuller *** Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face. "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" *** Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. *** Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting. -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" *** One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ... -- Anthony Chevins *** Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. *** There was a young man who said "God, I find it exceedingly odd, That the willow oak tree Continues to be, When there's no one about in the Quad." "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, For I'm always about in the Quad; And that's why the tree, Continues to be," Signed "Yours faithfully, God." *** And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and Orson Welles. -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" *** Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" *** If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" *** Song Title of the Week: "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change in me." *** The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King *** Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. *** If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- Maslow *** A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And he answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. And that is Fate? said the priest. Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was too. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" *** Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. -- Irsin Edman *** Toilet Toupee, n.: Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" *** It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. *** George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. *** Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. -- Clive James *** Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" *** Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today. -- Ogden Nash *** You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. -- Charles A. Beard *** In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. -- Egyptian Book of the Dead *** "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx *** Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low. -- Wallace Sayre *** You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. -- J. D. Salinger *** Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. *** "If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles." *** Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing Half a pound of tuppenny rice Half a pound of treacle That's the way the chimney smokes Pope Goestheveezl The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" *** The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. *** This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personal to various situations. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. YOU SHOULD: (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. *** Ehrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better? *** WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really [Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to George talk. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout" *** Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. -- John Kenneth Galbraith *** Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. *** You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin *** "Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to eat it nevertheless." -- Flaubert *** Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with? *** We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. -- Niels Bohr *** In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" *** "Dan Quayle is more stupid than Ronald Reagan put together!" -Matt Groening *** There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. *** Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points. -- M. M. Johnston *** "I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" *** "I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." --English Professor, Ohio University *** What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps? *** Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa *** "If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?" *** Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills." -- Herb Caen *** If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. -- Dorothy Parker *** Fifty flippant frogs Walked by on flippered feet And with their slime they made the time Unnaturally fleet. *** Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. *** Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. *** Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value. *** If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. *** The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the number of your kids by 32 teeth. *** How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T." *** If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation. *** The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers. *** A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason. *** In the beginning was the word. But by the time the second word was added to it, there was trouble. For with it came syntax ... -- John Simon *** "I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" *** An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great restraint. As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not generalizable. The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" *** "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" *** Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. *** You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. -- Bumper Sticker *** In Honor of National Condom Week Our Little Friend "Robbie Rubber" Reminds Us To....... _ / \ / _ _ \ | O O | | L | | \_____/ | | | | | | | ( ) ( ) ( ) ((_________)) 1. Cover your stump, before you hump. 2. Before you attack her, cover your whacker. 3. Don't be silly, protect your willie. 4. Before you blast her, guard your bushmaster. 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner. 6. When in doubt, shroud your spout. 7. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong. 8. If you ain't gonna sack it, go home and whack it. 9. If you think she's spunkey, cover your monkey. 10. Before you bag her, sheath your dagger. 11. It'll be sweeter, if you wrap your peter. 12. If you slip between thighs, be sure to condomize. 13. Save embarassment later, cover your gator. 14. She won't get sick, if you cap your dick. 15. If you go into heat, package your meat. 16. While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis. 17. Off with her pants and blouse? Suit up the trouser mouse. 18. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker. 19. Especially in December, gift wrap your member. 20. Befo' the van start rockin', be sho' yo' cock get a stockin'. 21. Don't be a fool, Vulcanize your tool. 22. The right selection? Sack that erection. 23. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. 24. A crank with armor will never harm her. 25. When she gets bolder, put a helmet on that soldier. *** From: macster@IASTATE.EDU (Michael C Mccarty) THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBURQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS: 1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. 2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault. 4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. 5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face. 6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor. 7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over. 8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him. 9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part. 10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines. 11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip. 12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night. 14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating. 15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach. 16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout. 17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals. 19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits. *** From: david@marie.stat.uga.edu (David Gundlach) Reasons Dead Men are Better than Live Men 1) They stay with you afterwards. 2) They are always hard. 3) They don't ask you to swallow. 4) They don't lie to you. 5) They always listen to you. 6) Birth control is not a necessity. 7) They don't talk about it with their friends. 8) They let you come first. 9) You can always find them when you need them. 10) They don't make you sleep in the wet spot. 11) They don't snore. 12) They don't fall asleep on you. 13) They are never obnoxious at parties. 14) They never cheat on you. 15) They never ask to borrow your toothbrush. 16) They never leave the seat up. 17) They don't ask to take pictures. 18) They don't ask, "Did you come?" Reasons Dead Women are Better than Live Women 1) Any kind of sex is OK. 2) They don't expect you to be sensitive. 3) They don't expect you to stay after. 4) They're always tight. 5) They never ask you to clean up. 6) They never have PMS. 7) You can share her with your friends. 8) They don't mind 'another woman'. 9) She will let you come in her mouth-- and she won't bite when you do. 10) Their nipples are always erect. 11) They never "just want to snuggle." 12) You don't have to buy her dinner. 13) Dry ice is cheap. 14) They won't fake orgasms. 15) You never have to say "Oops" or "I'm sorry." 16) They don't leave stuff all over the bathroom. 17) They don't mind if you haven't shaved. 18) They never give you a hard time about your Hustler subscription. 19) They don't care how big you are. 20) They let you take pictures (and post them :-) Reasons Live Women are Better than Dead Women 1) You can use the space in your fridge for something else. Reasons Live Men are Better than Dead Men 1) There are none. *** From: kml@cellar.org (bdfh) Top Ten Names for ... well, you know... ----------------------------------------------- 10. Mister Happy 9. The Throbbing Python of Love 8. Willy the Wonder Weasel 7. (tie) The One-Eyed Trouser Trout; Dick 6. Russell the Love Muscle 5. The Incredible Heat-Seeking Moisture Missile 4. Li'l Elvis 3. Mister Microphone 2. The Bald Avenger 1. Simba the Pleasure Elephant #10 and #5 are from Robin Williams. #4 is an historical reference. *** Your Favorite Color is the Key to Your Sexual Life The cloths you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns. RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware. YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is yellow. But don't panic -- not everyone who wears yellow is queer. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire. PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg. PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification. BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mosters and teenage gangs is black attire. GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity. ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back. BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair. GREY: The color grey a preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer grey look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the grey spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a grey marries another grey, the marriage is made in heaven. BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than firery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests. WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight in unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals. *** THE DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHERS SONG Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable, Heidegger, Heidegger, was a boozy beggar who could drink you under the table, David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, and Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as shloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Neitsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist. Socrates himself was permanently pissed. John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, on half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. Plato, they say, could stick it away: half a crate of whiskey every day. Aristotle, Aristotle, was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram, and Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am!" Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed; a lovely little drinker, but a bugger when he's pissed! *** IMPURE MATHEMATICS WHEREIN IT IS RELATED NOW THAT POLYGON OF WOMANLY VIRTUE YOUNG POLLY NOMIAL (OUR HEROINE) IS ACCOSTED BY THAT NOTORIOUS VILLAIN CURLY PI, AND FACTORED (OH, HORROR!). ONCE UPON A TIME (1/T), PRETTY POLLY NOMIAL WAS STROLLING ACROSS A FIELD OF VECTORS WHEN SHE CAME TO THE BOUNDARY OF A SINGULARLY LARGE MATRIX. NOW POLLY WAS CONVERGENT AND HER MOTHER MADE IT AN ABSOLUTE CONDITION THAT SHE NEVER ENTER SUCH AN ARRAY WITHOUT HER BRACKETS ON. POLLY HOWEVER, WHO HAD CHANGED HER VARIABLES EARLIER THAT MORNING AND WAS FEELING PARTICULARLY BADLY BEHAVED, IGNORED THIS CONDITION ON THE BASIS THAT IT WAS INSUFFICIENT, AND MADE HER WAY AMONGST THE COMPLEX ELEMENTS. ROWS AND COLUMNS CLOSED IN FROM ALL SIDES. TANGENTS APPROACHED HER SURFACE. SHE BECAME TENSOR AND TENSOR. QUITE SUDDENLY, TWO BRANCHES OF A HYPERBOLA TOUCHED HER AT A SINGLE POINT: SHE OSCILLATED VIOLENTLY, LOST ALL SENSE OF DIRECTRIX, AND WENT COMPLETELY DIVERGENT. AS SHE REACHED A TURNING POINT, SHE TRIPPED OVER A SQUARE ROOT THAT WAS PROTRUDING FROM THE ERF AND PLUNGED HEADLONG DOWN A STEEP GRADIENT. WHEN SHE ROUNDED OFF ONCE MORE, SHE FOUND HERSELF INVERTED, APPARENTLY ALONE, IN A NON-EUCLIDEAN SPACE. SHE WAS BEING WATCHED HOWEVER. THAT SMOOTH OPERATOR, CURLY PI, WAS LURKING INNERPRODUCT. AS HIS EYES DEVOURED HER CURVILINEAR CO-ORDINATES, A SINGULAR EXPRESSION CROSSED HIS FACE. HE WONDERED, WAS SHE STILL CONVERGENT? HE DECIDED TO INTEGRATE IMPROPERLY AT ONCE. HEARING A COMMON FRACTION BEHIND HER, POLLY ROTATED AND SAW CURLY PI APPROACHING WITH HIS POWER SERIES EXTRAPOLATED. SHE COULD SEE AT ONCE BY HIS DEGENERATE CONIC AND DISSIPATIVE TERMS THAT HE WAS BENT ON NO GOOD. "ARC SIN", SHE GASPED. "HO, HO", HE SAID. "WHAT A SYMMETRIC LITTLE ASSYMPTOTE YOU HAVE. I CAN SEE YOUR ANGLES HAVE A LOT OF SECS." "OH SIR", SHE PROTESTED, "KEEP AWAY FROM ME. I HAVEN'T GOT MY BRACKETS ON." "CALM YOURSELF, MY DEAR," SAID THE SMOOTH OPERATOR. "YOUR FEARS ARE PURELY IMAGINARY." "I, I", SHE THOUGHT. "PERHAPS HE'S NOT NORMAL, BUT HOMOLOGOUS." "WHAT ORDER ARE YOU?" THE BRUTE DEMANDED. "SEVENTEEN," REPLIED POLLY. CURLY LEERED, "I SUPPOSE YOU'VE NEVER BEEN OPERATED ON!" "OF COURSE NOT," POLLY REPLIED QUITE PROPERLY. "I'M ABSOLUTELY CONVERGENT." "COME, COME," SAID CURLY. "LET'S OFF TO A DECIMAL PLACE I KNOW AND I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE LIMIT." "NEVER," GASPED POLLY. "ABCISSA!" HE SWORE, USING THE VILEST OATH HE KNEW. HIS PATIENCE WAS GONE. COSHING HER OVER THE COEFFICIENT WITH A LOG UNTIL SHE WAS POWERLESS, CURLY PI REMOVED HER DISCONTINUITIES. HE STARTED AT HER SIGNIFICANT PLACES, AND BEGAN SMOOTHING OUT HER POINTS OF INFLECTION. POOR POLLY! THE ALGORITHMIC METHOD WAS NOW HER ONLY HOPE. SHE FELT HIS HAND TENDING TO HER ASYMPTOTIC LIMIT. HER CONVERGENCE WOULD SOON BE GONE FOREVER. THERE WAS NO MERCY, FOR CURLY WAS A HEAVYSIDE OPERATOR. CURLY'S RADIUS SQUARED ITSELF; POLLY'S LOCI QUIVERED. HE INTEGRATED BY PARTS. HE INTEGRATED BY PARTIAL FRACTIONS. AFTER HE CO-FACTORED, HE PERFORMED RUNGE-CUTTA ON HER. THE COMPLEX BEAST EVEN WENT ON OPERATING UNTIL HE HAD SATISFIED HER HYPOTHESIS, THEN HE EXPONENTIATED AND BECAME COMPLETELY ORTHAGONAL. WHEN POLLY GOT HOME THAT NIGHT, HER MOTHER NOTICED THAT SHE WAS NO LONGER PIECEWISE CONTINUOUS, BUT HAD BEEN TRUNCATED IN SEVERAL PLACES. BUT IT WAS TOO LATE TO DIFFERENTIATE NOW. AS THE MONTHS WENT BY, POLLY'S DENOMINATOR INCREASED MONOTONICALLY. FINALLY SHE WENT TO L'HOSPITAL AND GENERATED A SMALL BUT PATHOLOGICAL FUNCTION WHICH LEFT SURDS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND DROVE POLLY TO DEVIATION. THE MORAL OF OUR SAD STORY: "IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR EXPRESSIONS CONVERGENT, NEVER ALLOW THEM TO HAVE A SINGLE DEGREE OF FREEDOM........." *** A collection of Graffiti from accross the United States: You took a long time to come. -Vagina Slims Dow - Better murder through chemistry. You too can prevent forests. THE WORLD IS FLAT. (CLASS OF 1491) ALL THE GIRLS IN OUR WORLD ARE FLAT (CLASS OF 1973) Drugs: Melts in your mind, not in your hand. A woman is like a piano. If she's not upright, she's grand. Fuck the future and hope tomorrow is a miscarriage. Homosexuality is a pain in the ass. Old fairies never die, they merely blow away. I'm a mistake - Legalize abortion. The meek shall inherit the earth. They're too weak to refuse. You'll never be the man my mother was. "Last sperm in is a rotten egg." Incest - a game the whole family can play. Masochists: you're only hurting yourselves. You think Oedipus had a problem? Adam was Eve's mother. Kilroy wouldn't dare come in here. *** Imagine what it would be like if George Washington had to go through a Congressional Confirmation Hearing... We join our correspondent at Independence Hall in Philadelphia for hearings already in progress.... Congressman: General Washington, you are here today so we can determine if you are in fact fit to lead this great nation. Washington: Yes, sir, I realize that. Congressman: Then lets get underway here. First of all, do you still have any ties to the millitary of this country? Washington: No, sir. Congressman: Do you have a silver tea set General Washington? Washington: Yes, I do. Congressman: A tea set given to you by a Mr. Paul Revere of Boston, one of your scouts during the Revolution, I believe? Washington: Yes, sir, it was given to me on the aniversary of the Battle of Lexington and Concord. That was quite a fight, we sure had them on the run... Congressman: I'm sure you did. But you admit to taking bribes from former military personnel? Washington: I would hardly call it a bribe, Mr. Revere and I are old friends Congressman: And then there's the question of your loose moral standards sir. Washington: I beg your pardon? I have been faithfully married to my wife Martha for many years now. Congressman: Oh, come now General. All the way from here to Massachusetts there are signs at almost every inn and a good many private homes saying "George Washington slept here" Are we really supposed to believe that you travelled that much? Washington: Well, sir, a general has to travel quite a bit when fighting a war you know... Congressman: An educated General, perhaps. But you sir never attended an institution of higher learning at all, did you? Washington: No, sir, it simply wasn't necessary in my job as a surveyor. Congressman: But you think it is adequate for a job such as this? Washington: Yes sir, I do. I believe I have learned a lot about leadership in the course of my military career. Congressman: Which started out with you serving our enemies the British? Washington: Yes, sir, it did. Congressman: Enough of this. This man is simply completely unqualified. Please bring in that Arnold fellow. What's his name, Benedict Arnold? Yes, now that has a ring of authority to it... Just think what a great country this would have been... *** My math professor likes to pick on me. Maybe I'm crazy. You be the judge: "Adam Rifkin keeps records on how many girls he has to ask before one of them says she will be his date for a Saturday basketball game. W&M plays five home games and his five acceptances came on the third, sixth, fourth, second and ninth girls he asked. Assume that the probability, p, that any girl he asks will accept his invitation is constant from girl to girl. Find the maximum likelihood estimator of p." --- from Problem Set #2 "I can't write down 41 billion combinations... Adam can do that for homework... where's Adam?" --- from today's class *** Top Ten Dance Moves/W and M Administrative Tactics/Sexual Positions 10. The Dip 9. The Hustle 8. The Jitterbug 7. The Runaround 6. The Slam 5. Da Butt 4. The Break 3. The Splits 2. The Twist and the #1 Dance Move/W and M Administrative Tactic/Sexual Position 1. The Bump *** There is no such thing as cold women... ONLY CLUMSY MEN!!! *** ODE ON A SILVERY OCEAN by Steven L. Johnson Boy, I could really use a chick. *** 'Sex is like a carrot. Yum yum yum.' "She's cute, in a homely sort of way." *** "Prior intelligence does not make up for current stupidity." - Bick Thomas *** This is from a book called "The Anguished Language." It's best to read it aloud (preferably in a bad Southern accent) without trying to make any sense of the words. Once you get the hang of it, a story will emerge. My apologies to those of you who do not recognize English as you native language, though if you are able to understand it, I would very much like to know :-). Ladle Rat Rotten Hut (Heresy ladle furry starry toiling udder warts--warts welcher alter girdle deferent firmer once inner regional verging) Wants pawn term dars worsted ladle gull how lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage honor itch offer ledge, dock florist. Disk ladle gull orphan worry putty ladle rat cluck wetter ladle rat hut, an fu disk raisin, pimple colder Ladle Rat Rotten Hut. Wan moaning Ladle Rat Rotten Hut's murder colder inset: "Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, heresy ladle basking winsome burden barter and shirker cockles. Tick disk ladle basking tutor cordage inner florist. Shaker Lake! Dun stopper laundry wrote. Dun stopper peck floors. Dun daily-doily inner florist, an yonder nor sorghum stenches, dun stopper torque wet strainers." "Hoe-cake, murder," resplendent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, an tickle ladle basking an stuttered oft. Honor wrote tutor cordage offer groin-murder, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut mitten anomalous woof. "Wail, wail, wail," set disk wicket woof, "Evenescent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut. Wares are putty ladle gull goring wizard ladle basking?" "Armour goring tumor groin-murder's," reprisal ladle gull. "Grammer's seeking bet. Armour ticking arson burden barter an shirker cockles." "Oh hoe! Heifer gnats wok," setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb shelf, "Oil tickle shirt court tutor cordage offer groin-murder. Oil ketchup wetter letter an den--O bore!" Soda wicket woof tucker shirt court an whinny retched a cordage offer groin-murder, picked inner windrow, on sore debtor pore oil worming wores lion inner bet. Inner flash, disk abdominal woof lipped honor bet, paunched honor pore oil worming, an garbled erupt. Den disk ratchet ammonol pot honor groin- murder's nut cup an gnat gun, any curdled ope inner bet. Inner ladle wile, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut a raft altar cordage, an ranker dough ball. "Comb in, sweat hard," setter wicket woof, disgracing is verse. Ladle Rat Rotten Hut entity bet rum, an stud buyer groin-murder's bet. "Oh Grammar," carter ladle gull historically, "water bag icer gut. A nervous sausage bag ice." "Battered lucky chew whiff, sweat hard," setter bloat-Thursday woof, wetter wicket small honors phase. "O, Grammar, water bag noisier gut. A nervous sore suture bag noise." "Battered small your whiff, doiling," whiskered ole woof, ant mouse worse waddling. "O, Grammar, water bag mouse gut. A nervous sore suture bag mouse!" Daze worry on-forger-nut ladle gull's last warts. Oil offer sodden, caking offer carvers an sprinkling otter bet, disk hoard-hearded woof lipped own pore Ladle Rat Rotten Hut an garbled erupt. Mural: Wonder nor sorghum stenches shut ladle gulls stopper torque wet strainers. *** Have you ever heard of gerbil stuffing? Well, apparently it is all a rumor. The re have been no actual reports on it happening. However, the following is a lis t of things which HAVE been medically removed from people. After reading it, yo u'll see that gerbil stuffing ia actually rather tame: a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an ax handle, a 9-inch zucchini, countle ss dildoes and vibrators including one 14-inch model complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9-inch water bottle, a deodorant bottle, a Cok e bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles, a 3.5-inch Japanese floa t ball, an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt f rosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver (ha! ha!), four rubber balls, 72 jewele r's saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic too thbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig's tail (it got stuck when it thawe d), a 10-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle and central ro d, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a 6x5-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces, a 6-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter two cases the patients di ed due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a test tube, a ballpo int pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs,a sand-filled bicycle inne r tube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip , a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with h andle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file, tumblers and glasses, a polyethy lene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink, and one man inserted a funnel in his behind and dropped a lit firecracker down it (no, it doesn't say if he survived or not). This list comes from actual medical journals as reported by Cecil Adams in his book, More of the Straight Dope. If you like interesting things like "why do me n have nipples?" "How do they get the stripes in toothpaste?" or the like, I RE ALLY suggest getting this book and his first book, The Straight Dope. They can be found in the Humor section of bookstores. I think that I shall never see A thing as lovely as a tree. But as you see the trees have gone They went this morning with the dawn. A logging firm from out of town Came and chopped the trees all down. But I will trick those dirty skunks And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. *** Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. *** Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash *** "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. "Too proud?" the other enquired. Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," she said, "that one can't help growing older." "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." -- Lewis Carroll *** I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. -- Monty Python *** The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright -- And this was very odd, because it was The middle of the night. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" *** "What is the Nature of God?" CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 1/2 CUT CHIVES. STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." -- Bloom County *** "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- that's all." -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" *** INVENTORY Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. *** "Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" *** Bees are very busy souls They have no time for birth controls And that is why in times like these There are so many Sons of Bees. *** The Anarchists' National Anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. *** There was a young man from Dwight, Who traveled faster than light, Taking a trip one day, in a relative way, He arrived the previous night. *** It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News *** Somewhere there is a reference (the "Ultimate Reference") which will _ give you a stunningly brilliant opening and conclusion, tie your {~} materials together and give you the premise for your first book. ( V-) The search for this kind of thing has delayed dissertations for years, "|Y|" and forced advisers to threaten the student with bodily harm if the _|||_ search is not abandoned. billr@orl.mmc.com *** Define: KleptoPyroHomoNecroNymphoBestiality Answer: Anal sex with a stolen flaming road-kill *** Accidents cause History. If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" *** "I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." -- Peter Oakley *** WHAT is your name?............................Captain Jean-Luc Picard WHAT is your quest?.............................I seek the Holy Grail WHAT is the average velocity of a Bird of Prey?...Romulan or Klingon? I.....I don't know AAAAAHHHHH! *** methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylluecylphenyialanylalanylglutamin- ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- phenylalanylyalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolyphenylalanyl- serylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglutaminyl- asparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylva- lythreonylprolyalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucyala- nylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolythreonylisoleucylprolyli- soleucylglyclleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenylala- nylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylalanylglu- taminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylala- nylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolyphenylalanylargi- nylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolyiso- leucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartyl- aspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycylarginyl- glycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreonyl- gylcylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginyalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylaspartagi- nylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucylysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylala- nylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylserylalanylpro- lyaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanylglycylalanyla- lanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucyli- soleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolyglutamylly- sylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyglutaminylproly- methionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protien, a 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words *** "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering voice. "No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore: "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." *** Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise: --------------------------------------------------------- 9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data 7. Giving Worf A nuggie 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!) 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can 1. Tribble sex! *** I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General. -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" *** Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. -- Dorothy Parker *** How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs *** 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... *** There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...." -- Douglas Adams,"Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" *** I sent a letter to the fish, I told them, "This is what I wish." The little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me. The little fishes' answer was "We cannot do it, sir, because ..." I sent a letter back to say It would be better to obey. But someone came to me and said "The little fishes are in bed." I said to him, and I said it plain "Then you must wake them up again." I said it very loud and clear, I went and shouted in his ear. But he was very stiff and proud, He said "You needn't shout so loud." And he was very proud and stiff, He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." I took a kettle from the shelf, I went to wake them up myself. But when I found the door was locked I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle, But ... "Is that all?" asked Alice. "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" *** Christopher Columbus, the greatest democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money. *** Faith does not offer the least support for a proof of objective truth. Here the ways of men/women part: If you wish to strive for peace of soul and pleasure, then believe; If you wish to be a devotee of truth, then inquire .... Nietzsche *** ``The Bable Fish'' said The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is ... ... if you stick a Bable fish in your ear, you can instantly understand anything that is said to you in any form of language. ``Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- bogglingly useful caould have evolved purely by chance, that some thinkers have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of NON EXISTENCE OF GOD. The argument goes something like this: `I refuse to prove that I exist,' says God,`for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing'. `But', says Man, `The Bable fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't. QED.' `Oh dear', says God `I hadn't thought of that', and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. `Oh, that was easy,' says Man, and for an encore goes on to prove that black is white and gets himself killed on the next zebra crossing. -- Douglas Adams, THHGTTG *** I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. Bernoulli would have been content to die Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(phi)! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" *** A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" *** How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" *** The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" *** In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain *** Sandra's seen a leprechaun, Donald heard a mermaid sing, Eddie touched a troll, Susy spied an elf, Laurie danced with witches once, But all the magic I have known Charlie found some goblins' gold. I've had to make myself. -Shel Silverstein *** A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" *** "I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering." -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan *** Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" *** "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" *** If an S and an I and an O and a U With an X at the end spell Su; And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray what is a speller to do? Then, if also an S and an I and a G And an HED spell side, There's nothing much left for a speller to do But to go commit siouxeyesighed. -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" *** This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the power of computers: Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that one should eat each day: 1/2 chicken 1 egg 1 glass of skim milk 27 heads of lettuce. -- Rev. Adrian Melott *** The same leaves over and over again! They fall from giving shade above, To make one texture of faded brown And fit the earth like a leather glove. Before the leaves can mount again To fill the trees with another shade, They must go down past things coming up. They must go down into the dark decayed. They must be pierced by lowers and put Beneath the feet of dancing flowers. However it is in some other world I know that this is the way in ours. [R.Frost on the programming cycle] *** Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. *** Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. *** Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post *** Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, Et le momerade horgrave. -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" *** Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" *** "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, sincerely, extremely dangerously. They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" *** Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." L2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" *** A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus nine times eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. *** FIGHTING WORDS Say my love is easy had, Say I'm bitten raw with pride, Say I am too often sad -- Still behold me at your side. Say I'm neither brave nor young, Say I woo and coddle care, Say the devil touched my tongue -- Still you have my heart to wear. But say my verses do not scan, And I get me another man! -- Dorothy Parker *** Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art. -- Ogden Nash *** "Let me give you a word on the philosophy of reforms. The whole history of the progress of human liberty shows that all concessions yet made to her august claims have been born of struggle...If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. The struggle may be a moral one; or it may be a physical one; or it may be both moral and physical, but it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and never will." Frederick Douglass *** Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs... *** Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name. But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in heaven. *** "The early worm goes forth with zeal to give the hungry birds a meal. His brother has no such intention, and lives to draw his old-age pension." -Montagu C. Butler *** "I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree Indeed, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all." Ogden Nash *** "Difficulty! It's the single simplest machine in the entire Universe!" -HHGTTG *** "Life is like a grapefruit." * -- Dan Sohl "Er, how so?" ***************************************** "Well, it's sort of orangy-yellow on the outside, pink and squidgy on the* inside. Oh, yeah, and some people have half a one for breakfast." * *** All animals are strictly dry, they sinless live and swiftly die. But sinful, Ginful, beer soaked man survives three score years and ten -origin unknown- *** "I was considering sticking [the kinky sex stories] to my door, but my roommate threatened my life. She always threatens my life. She is beginning to get on my nerves." --Manda Bennett *** Deck us all with Boston Charley, Walla walla Wa and Kalamzoo! Nora's freezing on the trolley, Swaller-dollar cauliflower alley-garoo! Don't you know archaic barrel, Lullabye, Lily-Boy, Louisville Lou! Trolley Molly don't love Harold, Booley-booley Pensacooley Hullabaloo! -- Walt Kelly *** "The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it." P.J. O'Rourke - A Parliament of Whores *** _/ _/ _/_/_/ _/ _/ Reading furnishes the mind only with _/_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ materials of knowledge; it is thinking _/ _/ _/ _/_/ _/ _/ that makes what we read ours. _/ _/_/ _/ _/ _/ -- John Locke _/ _/ _/_/_/ _/ _/_/_/ *** Of all the words of witch's doom There's none so bad as which and whom. The man who kills both which and whom Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. -- Fletcher Knebel *** The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Bernard Shaw *** Logicians have but ill defined As rational the human kind. Logic, they say, belongs to man, But let them prove it if they can. -- Oliver Goldsmith *** "What are you doing?" "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation period." *** There once was a girl named Irene Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene. *** Why God Never Received Tenure at the University ----------------------------------------------- 1. Because He had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that He created the world but what has He published/done since ? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to repeat His results. *** The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. *** Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. *** ... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an infinite number. -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" *** It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted ... -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy" *** A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. -- Gigo *** It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production and gives a false sense of security while still being screwed. *** Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" *** William Safire's Rules for Writers: Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. *** A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. *** Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" *** (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. *** The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master. "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." *** Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, there's the rub. For all dreams are not equal, some exit to nightmare most end with the dreamer But at least one must be lived ... and died. *** ... But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to the front of the bus." But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like unto a snowball in Hell." -- "The Begatting of a President" *** This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. -- Douglas Adams *** A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. *** Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" *** Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what does exist. Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely different way ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" *** A Severe Strain on the Credulity As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest bparts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 *** A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. *** Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true. -- Solomon Short *** "There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?" *** That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. -- Dorothy Parker *** Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" *** If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. -- Dorothy Parker *** In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" *** Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." *** "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'" -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" *** "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested. "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged Aged Man.'" "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" Alice corrected herself. "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" *** Committee Rules: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. *** "Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" -- David Letterman *** We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. -- Alan M. Turing *** Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence (1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs. (2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. (3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. (4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems. (5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. (6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. (7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. (8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally. (9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary due to limited circulation. (10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. *** Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" *** Murphy's Discovery: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble! *** Going from theory to practice in practice is harder than going from practice to theory in theory, but it's easier than going from theory to practice in theory (ignoring constants of course). *** Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory. *** "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat -- Lewis Carrol *** A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore. *** Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to Shut Up! -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" *** "We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our grave singing Haleleuia ..." -- Monty Python *** There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior From paolo Mon Feb 1 16:11:07 1993 To: adam Subject: Re: Any truth? interesting... I wonder what role the food begins to play when the affection _is_ the entertainment. Miss Manners' Guide to 101 creative uses for whip cream... *** Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills." -- Herb Caen *** It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings ... -- Playboy, January 1983 *** "Plaese porrf raed." -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase *** California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran *** When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. -- R. A. Lafferty *** And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the world. -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" *** Cecil, you're my final hope Of finding out the true Straight Dope For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat But none of my cats are at all like that. This unusual animal (so it is said) Is simultaneously alive and dead! What I don't understand is just why he Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. My future now hangs in between eigenstates. In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, Then I will *and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams *** The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the world put together. -- Sir Peter Medawar *** The net of law is spread so wide, No sinner from its sweep may hide. Its meshes are so fine and strong, They take in every child of wrong. O wondrous web of mystery! Big fish alone escape from thee! -- James Jeffrey Roche *** Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. -- Oscar Wilde *** Ladybug, ladybug, Look to your stern! mYour house is on fire, Your children will burn! So jump ye and sing, for The very first time The four lines above Have been put into rhyme. -- Walt Kelly *** UNIX will be half a billion (500000000) seconds old on Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). -- Andy Tannenbaum *** Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something entirely different. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe *** An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible. -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" *** The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. Furthermore, if you do not like any of them, you can just wait for next year's model. -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum *** There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. -- Woody Allen *** Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. *** Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin *** Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" *** If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. Or some joker who is slicker, Will trick you of your liquor, If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. *** No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under such difficult conditions. -- Laurence J. Peter *** "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'" -- Steven Wright *** The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. -- Ogden Nash *** >From "The Mythical Man-Month" "On another project the best engineering manager I ever saw served often as a giant flywheel, his inertia damping the fluctions that came from [different] people." *** Lobster: Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, too. -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" *** It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle? *** Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb. -- Stanley Kaufman *** "You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers That your lectures bore people to death. Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- Don't you think that you should save your breath?" "I have answered three questions and that is enough," Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" *** Here in my heart, I am Helen; I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; I'm Salome, moon of the East. Here in my soul I am Sappho; Lady Hamilton am I, as well. In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. I'm all of the glamorous ladies At whose beckoning history shook. But you are a man, and see only my pan, So I stay at home with a book. -- Dorothy Parker *** An old rabbi who lived in Peru Was vainly attempting to screw. His wife said "Oy vay, If you keep on this way The Messiah will come before you!" *** Q: Why do dogs lick their crotches? A: Because they can, because they can't make a fist, and becuase they know that the very next thing they're gonna do is lick your face. *** I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more. -- Shakespeare *** "I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry." -- President Harry S Truman *** "It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract." -- Alan Shepherd *** A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears!" "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it." "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" *** We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. -- F. G. Withington *** It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... -- James Dent *** Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle as applied to Relationships: If you know what you want, you don't know where it is. If you know where it is, you don't know if you want it. *** "This terminal is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late terminal. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the bench, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an X-Terminal!" *** It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" *** While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention. m -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", November 26, 1792 *** The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat, and indirectly proportional to the square of the hair, (provided that the mass of the ass is kept constant), times 2. *** All, of course, assuming that both the size of the guys and the throb of the bob is a constant value. *** Rules for Academic Deans: (1) HIDE!!!! (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! -- Father Damian C. Fandal *** Lisa Kunkle ___ To laugh often and much, Alpha Beta Chapter ( . . ) to win the respect of intelligent people Penn State University _\ ' /_ and the affection of children... (_ . _) to leave the world a bit better... lek102@psuvm.psu.edu / ___ \ to know even one life had breathed easier \/ \/ because you had lived, that is to have succeeded. *** -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** You may say that I'm a dreamer,But I'm not the only one. ** ** I hope some day you'll join us, And the world will live as one. ** ~Lennon~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** I wish I was a spaceman, The fastest guy alive. ** ** I'd zoom around the universe in Fireball XL5. ** ** I'd fly my way to heaven, And zoom around the stars. ** ** My heart waould be a fireball, And you can be the Venus of my Life. ** ~Fireball XL5~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** So close no matter how far, Couldn't be much more from the heart. ** ** Forever trust in who we are, And Nothing Else Matters. ** ~Metallica~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** Listen to this guy, he`s one of the finest minds in the country. ** ** "Someday I hope to be two of them!" ** ~Real Genius~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ** "I've got a job at the local striptease,helping the girls dress and undress." ** ** Really! How much? ** ** "About 5 Francs an hour." ** ** Thats not much. ** ** "It's all I can aford." ** ~What's New Pussycat?~ -------------------------------------------------------------------------- *** The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light; They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints ... So far, I've had no complaints. -- Dorothy Parker *** Police: Good evening, are you the host? Host: No. Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. Host: About the drugs? Police: No. Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? Police: No, the noise. Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbors? Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down? Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down. *** When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. -- Daniel B. Luten *** Won't You? ---------- Barbara's eyes are blue as azure But she is in love with Freddy Karen's sweet but Harry has her, Gentle Jane is going steady. Carol hates me, so does May, Abigail will not be mine, Nancy lives to far away... Won't you be my Valentine? -Silverstein *** One dark night in the middle of the day, Two dead boys went out to play. Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard this noise; He went and killed those two dead boys. If you don't beleive this lie is true, Go ask the blind man; he saw it too. *** Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; Less dear than army ants in apple pies Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose They suck, and like the double-breasted suit Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. *** I have learned To spell hors d'oeuvres Which still grates on Some people's n'oeuvres. -- Warren Knox *** The greatest palindrome comes from "Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found Th ere", by the great Lewis Carroll: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabe Ebargtuo shtar emom eht dna Sevogorob eht erew ysmim lla Ebaw eht ni elbmig dna eryg did Sevot yhtils eht dna ,gillirb sawt. *** Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases: For the Chronically Absent: "A man like him is hard to find" "It seemed her career was just taking off" For the office drunk: "I feel his real talent is wasted here" "We generally found him loaded with work to do" For an employee with no ambition "He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in" A stupid employee: "There is nothing you can teach a man like him" A dishonest employee: "Her true ability was deceiving" "He's an unbelieveable worker" from tex@eastern.com *** My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, And a wild young wood-thing bore him! The ways are fair to his roaming feet, And the skies are sunlit for him. As sharply sweet to my heart he seems As the fragrance of acacia. My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- And I wish he were in Asia. -- Dorothy Parker *** Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at! *** | /\ /\ "Through the darkness of futures past, | | / \ / \ The magician longs to see, | | /~~~~\ /~~~~\ One chants out between two worlds, | | / \ / \ FIRE, WALK WITH ME " | | / / \ | | / / \ -Bob and Mike | | / / \ | *** a SPECIALIST is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing. a GENERALIST is one who know less and less about more and more until she knows nothing about everything. *** Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of -- Wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hovering there I've chased the shouting wind along and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air. Up, up along delirious, burning blue I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, Where never lark, or even eagle flew; And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space, Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" *** I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins. -- Shel Silverstein *** From robert Wed Mar 3 20:15:37 1993 To: adam Subject: Chelsea Clinton (anagrams) Ill canoe-stench Clenches at loin No clean clit, she Enchants collie Lone snatch lice Clan incest hole *** The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat -- Ogden Nash. The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat -- Ogden Nash. *** Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" *** 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And throughout our place of residence, Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... *** When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. -- George Bernard Shaw *** A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. -- John Ciardi *** "Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." --gene spafford, 1992 *** There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine: This living, this living, this living, Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell, So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- Would you kindly direct me to hell? -- Dorothy Parker *** Lisa: "These talking dinosaurs are more real than most real families on TV." Bart: "It's like they saw our lives & put it right up on screen." -- The Simpsons *** And as we stand on the edge of darkness Let our chant fill the void That others may know In the land of the night The ship of the sun Is drawn by The grateful dead. -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. *** 'Twas the Night before Crisis 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... *** It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. -- George Bernard Shaw *** __/\__ Jonathan S. Haas | Jake liked his women the way he liked \ / University of Michigan | his kiwi fruit: sweet yet tart, firm- /_ _\ positron@eecs.umich.edu | fleshed yet yielding to the touch, and \/ PGP 2.1 key by request | covered with short brown fuzzy hair. *** Some points to remember [about animals]: (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" *** Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. *** Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. *** My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway or the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him. -- Dorothy Parker *** Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. *** Aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement. Afterism, n.: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. -- James Alexander Thom *** Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" *** Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. -- N. Meyrowitz *** ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" *** "The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon." -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over" *** Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-mumsige Burggoven Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass" *** Two poets, Longfellow and Nash, were at the gates of heaven, and St. Peter told them there was only room for one poet in heaven at this time. In order to decide who was to enter, each of the poets had to write a poem ending with the word (or syllables, as it turns out) Timbuktu and must mention the sea. Longfellow: I see the sea, I see the shore, I hear the mighty ocean roar. Tall sailing ships 'gainst sky of blue. Their destination: Timbuktu. (OK, so Longfellow is a little weak in geography) Nash: Tim and me, to sea we went, Spied three women in a tent. Since they were three, and we but two, I bucked one, and Tim bucked two. *** How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" *** __ _-==-=_,-. /--`' \_@-@.--< `--'\ \ <___/. Tiggers can do If Rabbit \ \\ " / Anything! Was bigger >=\\_/`< And fatter ____ /= | \_|/ And stronger, _' `\ _/=== \___/ Or bigger `___/ //\./=/~\====\ Than Tigger, \ // / | ===: If Tigger was smaller, | ._/_,__|_ ==: __ Then Tigger's bad habit \/ \\ \\`--| / \\ Of bouncing at Rabbit | _ \\: /==:-\ Would matter no longer, `.__' `-____/ |--|==: If Rabbit \ \ ===\ :==:`-' Was taller. _> \ ===\ /==/ /==\ | ===\__/--/ <=== \ / ====\ \\/ (one of Pooh's songs) _`-- \/ === \/--' | \ ==== | -`------/`--' / \___-' "Well," said Owl, "the customary procedure in such cases is as follows." "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said Pooh. "For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." "It means the Thing to Do." "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said Pooh humbly. *** In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, We shall encounter, counting, face to face. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" *** Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. -- Ray Simard *** There was a young man who said "God, I find it exceedingly odd, That the willow oak tree Continues to be, When there's no one about in the Quad." "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, For I'm always about in the Quad; And that's why the tree, Continues to be," Signed "Yours faithfully, God." *** Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" *** The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. *** Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. *** The three biggest lies in Arkansas: 1. That's not my truck, officer. 2. I didn't know she was my cousin. 3. I was just helping the pig over the fence. *** PLUNDERER'S THEME (to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. *** The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them ..." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" *** Men are the only animals that devote themselves, day in and day out, to making one another unhappy. It is an art like any other. Its virtuosi are called altruists. -- H.L. Mencken *** >A man walks into a bar with a crocodile on a leash. > >Do you serve Bangladeshies here? > >Why yes sir we serve anybody. > >Fine, I'll have a beer and a Bangladeshy for my crocodile. *** Since I hurt my pendulum My life is all erratic. My parrot, who was cordial, Is now transmitting static. The carpet died, a palm collapsed, The cat keeps doing poo. The only thing that keeps me sane Is talking to my shoe. -- My Shoe *** "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And have grown most uncommonly fat; Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- Pray what is the reason of that?" "In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, "I kept all my limbs very supple By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- Allow me to sell you a couple?" -- Lewis Carrol *** MORE SPORTS RESULTS: The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. *** Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over the table. -- The Anarchist Cookbook *** Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single word. It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both Parliament and Party. It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other planets, this may be the first message received from us. -- The Realist, November, 1964. *** Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. *** "There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence." -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII *** Robin: "Howard, I really think you should address the situation." Howard:"Robin, you are absolutely right........Helloooo Situation!" -Heard on a newscast a few days ago *** My friend (who also used to work the Jungle Cruise) had a favorite line: "Look where that rhino is trying to stick that thing! Hey, this is supposed to be Adventureland, not Fantasyland!!" *** I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of a frog jumping on my Breakfast. -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 *** Impossible, adj.: (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; (2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning 3 may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" *** THEORY Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -- Dorothy Parker *** "According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime." -- David Letterman *** When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" *** The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. -- H. L. Mencken *** Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" *** "The Sciences do not try to explain, they hardly even try to interpret, they mainly make models. By a model is meant a mathematical construct, which with the addition of verbal interpretations explain the observed phenomena. The justification for such a construct is solely and precisely in that it is expected to work." --------- John Von Neuman *** Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce BounceBounce Bounce Bounce Bounce Bou-bou-bou-nceeeeeee *** {What is your name?} (Jean-Luc Picard.) {What is your quest?} (To seek out new life and civilization.) {What is the average warp speed of a bird of prey?} (Klingon or Romulan?) {What? I don't know that??!?! AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!} *** My Program, n. A gem of algorithmic precision, offering the sublime balance between compact, efficient coding on the one hand, and fully commented legibility for posterity on the other hand. Your Program, n. A maze of non sequiturs litteres with manifest tricks and irrelevant comments. *** MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF...? Amnesia What did you just ask me? Apathy I don't care. Bigotry I'm not going to tell someone like you. Damnation Go to hell! Dyslexia Beeing Sackwards Egotistical I'm the best person to answer that question. Evasive Go do your homework. Flatulent That question really stinks! Hostility If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you! Ignorance I don't know. Indifference It doesn't matter. Influenza You've got to be sick to ask me that question. Insomnia I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer. Irreverant I swear to God, you ask too many questions! Masturbation Your father can handle that question. Narcissism Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great? Over-Protective I don't know if you're ready for the answer. Paranoid You probably think I don't know the answer, do you? Procrastination I'll tell you tommorow. Repetitive I already told you the answer once before. Self-Centered Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters. Suspicious Why are you asking me all these questions? *** In science, "fact" can only mean "confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent." I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms. - Stephen Jay Gould *** "Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much." -- Augustine *** We are not home. Please leave a message. However you have the right to remain silent because everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. *** Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes: He only does it to annoy Because he knows it teases. Wow! wow! wow! I speak severely to my boy, And beat him when he sneezes: For he can thoroughly enjoy The pepper when he pleases! Wow! wow! wow! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" ***