An Owed to the Spelling Checker =============================== I have a spelling checker It came with my PC It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no. Its vary polished in it's weigh My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing, It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too bee a joule The checker pour o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Be fore a veiling checkers Hour spelling mite decline, And if were lacks or have a laps, We wood be maid to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know faults with in my cite, Of non eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, It does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped words fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud. And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaws are knot aloud. Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays Such soft ware four pea seas. And why I brake in two averse By righting want too pleas. -- Jerry Zar, Dean of the Graduate School Northwestern Illinois University *** This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done! *** The wise old owl lived in an oak. The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke, the more he heard, Why can't we all be like that wise old bird? *** If you love something, Set it free. If it comes back to you, You never really lost it. If it doesn't come back, It wasn't yours to begin with. If it just sits there watching TV, Unaware that it has been set free, You probably already married it. *** The references to Reader's Digest yesterday reminded me of a bit 'o' pithy wisdom the magazine often puts at the bottom of a story when it doesn't quite fill a page. Everyone and their dog , it seems, wants a university degree of some kind. Some even make their choice of what university/college to go to based on the quality of the undergraduate or graduate degree programs. Stop wasting your time pulling your hair out when you don't get into Harvard or some other Ivy league school. Any college will do when you know the requirements for higher education degrees. They are as follows: 1. You get a Bachelor's degree when you think you know everything. 2. You get a Master's degree when you realize you know nothing. 3. You get a Ph.D when you realize nobody knows anything. *** Today's quote is from the Winnipeg Free Press: DATELINE: LONDON A British man was found guilty yesterday of having sex with a dog after a video he made of the act was inadvertently shown to speechless wedding guests expecting to see a replay of a marriage ceremony. The 59-year-old man lent his video recorder to a friend to film the wedding, but forgot to erase from the tape scenes of him in sex acts with a neighbor's bull terrier named Ronnie. Quote for the Day Discussion Groups may choose between one of two topics: - Isn't it interesting that we're allowed to kill and eat animals, but not have sex with them? (Notice that exactly the opposite rules apply to people.) - Given the probable scene at the reception, what does the addition of further legal punishment imply about the consciences of the British judiciary? *** An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the same lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to his chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeur expressed a similar boredom in his line of work. "I've got it!" said the astronomer. "You are bored with driving and I am weary of lecturing. Let's exchange places for one night. It will be a refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out word for word and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway." The driver agreed and the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night the lecture hall filled to capacity. At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric applause. Then came the question and answer period. "Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front. "Uh...William Herschel." He remembered that from somewhere. "And who discovered Pluto?" continued the boy. "Aaaa...that would be Clyde Tombaugh." He had read a little. Then from the back: "Would you please comment on the relative merits of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?" The speaker paused for a moment, then said, "I am surprised that you would bother to ask me such a basic question. To show you how really simple it is I shall have my chauffeur answer it for you." *** We cannot put off living until we are ready. The most salient characteristic of life is its coerciveness: It is always urgent: "here and now" without any possible postponement. Life is fired at us point-blank. -- Jose Ortega y Gasset *** Call him Beezlebub, because that's his name too. Call him Nyarlahotep and Ahaz and Astaroth. Call him R'yelah and Seti and Anubis. His name is Legion and he's an apostate of Hell and you men kiss his ass. -- Stephen King: The Stand. *** When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" *** GRAMMER MADE EASY IN TWENTY-THREE STEPS or HOW TO RITE RITE 1. Don't abbrev. 2. Check to see if you any words out. 3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct. 4. About sentence fragments. 5. When dangling, don't use participles. 6. Don't use no double negatives. 7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent. 8. Just between you and I, case is important. 9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary. 11. Its important to use apostrophe's right. 12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive. 13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object. 14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period 15. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase. 16. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart. 17. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language. 18. Verbs has to agree with their subjects. 19. Avoid unnecessary redundancy. 20. A writer mustn't shift your point of view. 21. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it. 22. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with. 23. Avoid cliches like the plague. *** REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS TO COME by Ogden Nash What am I doing, daughter mine? A-haying while the sun doth shine; Gathering rosebuds while I may, Reveling in the brief sensation Of basking in your admiration. Oh, now, when you are almost five, I am the lordliest man alive; Your gaze is blind to any flaw, And brimming with respect and awe. Though adults oft my charm disparage, Three times you've sought my hand in marriage. You think me handsome, strong and brave. You came at morn to watch me shave. The neighbors' insults lose their sting When you encourage me to sing, And like a fashion plate I pose While you compliment my clothes. Who wishes his self-esteem to thrive Should belong to a girl of almost five, But almost five can't last forever. And wide-eyed girls grow tall and clever. Few creatures others less admire Than a lass of seventeen her sire. What humiliation must you weather When we are seen in public together! Perchance I'll munch a stick of gum, Or in the theater brazenly hum; My hat, belike, will flout the law Laid down for hats at Old Nassau; My anecdotes you'll strive to stanch, And at my table manner blanch; My every word and every deed Will agony and embarrassment breed; Your goal of goals, the end of your ends, To hide me forever from your friends. Therefore, I now chant roundelays, And rollick in your pride and praise; Too soon the nymph that you will be Will shudder when she looks at me. *** This quote comes from Delta Hotels's president's speech at B.C. & Yukon hotel's association conference. He commented on: B.C.'s advantage in having the three S's of future tourism, space, scenery and security, rather than the three S's of past tourism, sun, sex, and sand. -- source: British Columbia/Yukon Territory Region, Economic Review, Issue No. 241, January 1994. *** Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. -- John Kenneth Galbraith *** It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat. -- Robert Fuoss *** As I remember it, the biggest disappointment about growing up was finding out that adults didn't really have any secret knowledge about what to do in times of trouble. -- Beryl Pfizer *** From robert Sat Mar 26 23:14:47 1994 To: adam Subject: Doh! Or how to make a total fool of yourself on sci.math writes >Has anybody ever heard of the Malachi Constant? >If so, can you explain it in layperson's terms? For what it's worth: Malachi Constant is the name of a character in _The Sirens Of Titan_ by Kurt Vonnegut... *** In this time of chimpanzees I was a monkey butane in my veins I'm out to kill the junkie with the plastic eyesballs, spraypaint the vegetables dogfood skulls with the beefcake pantyhose kill the headlights and put it in neutral stock care flaming with the loser and the cruise control baby's in reno with the vitamin D got a couple of couches, sleep on the love seat solarcaine stain i'm insane to complain about a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt don't believe everything that you breathe you get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve so shave your face with some mace in the dark saving all your food stamps and burning down the trailer park yo, cut it... soy un perdidor I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me? -- Beck, "Loser" *** Before Rebbe Zusia died, he said: "When I shall face the celestial tribunal, I shall not be asked why I was not Abraham, Jacob, or Moses. I shall be asked why I was not Zusia." -- Elie Wiesel, SOULS ON FIRE *** HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. -- Albuquerque Journal *** There is a great deal of talk about loyalty from the bottom to the top. Loyalty from the top down is even more necessary and much less prevalent. -- General George S. Patton Jr, War as I Knew It, 1947 *** "The mission of a university, where the ideal is Socrates conducting an argument with all manner of speech needed to whatever end it leads, has been replaced with an amalgam of Alan Alda and Phil Donahue creating a non-offensive environment." -- Michael McDonald, lawyer, Center for Individual Rights (p.A18, The Chronicle of Higher Education, March 16, 1994. Fighting Back - Professors accused of sexual harassment say their rights have been breached.) *** In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins. Not through strength but by perseverance. -- H. Jackson Brown *** "Hallo, Eeyore!" said Roo. Eeyore nodded gloomily at him. "It will rain soon, you see if it doesn't," he said. Roo looked to see if it didn't, and it didn't. -- A. A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh *** __&__ / \ | | ^^ (o)(o) C ,---_) | |,___| "I am Homer of the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance | \__/ is irrelevant. Preparation is irrel...MMMmmm...doughnut!" /_____\ /_____/ \ *** THE PLAN In the beginning was the Plan And then came the Assumptions And the Assumptions were without form And the Plan was completely without substance And darkness was upon the faces of the workers And they spoke unto their Group Leaders saying "It is a Crock of Shit and it Stinketh" And the Group Leaders went into their Section Heads and sayeth, "It is a Pail of Dung and none may abide the Odour thereof" And the Section Heads went into the Manager and sayeth unto them, "It is a Container of Excrement and it is very Strong Such that none may abide by it" And each Manager went to his Director and sayeth unto him, "It is a Vessel of Fertilizer and none may abide its Strength" And each Director went into his General Manager and sayeth, "It contains That Which Promotes Growth and it is very Strong" And each General Manager went to his Vice-President and sayeth unto him, "It Promoteth Growth and it is Very Powerful!" And each VP went unto The President and sayeth unto Him, "This Powerful New Plan will actively promote the Growth And Efficiency of the Company" And The President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was Good And the Plan became Policy *** Schroedinger, Erwin! Professor of physics! Wrote daring equations! Confounded his critics! Win saw that the theory that Newton'd invented By Einstein's discov'ries had been badly dented. What now? wailed his colleagues. Said Erwin, "Don't panic, No grease monkey I, but a quantum mechanic Consider electrons. Now these teeny articles Are sometimes like waves, and then sometimes like particles If that's not confusing, the nuclear dance Of electrons and suchlike is governed by chance! No sweat, though - my theory permits us to judge Where some of 'em is and the rest of 'em was." Not everyone bought this. It threatened to wreck The comforting linkage of cause and effect. E'en Einstein had doubts, and so Schroedinger tried To tell him what quantum mechanics implied. Said Win to Al, "Brother, suppose we've a cat, And inside a tube we have put that cat at- Along with a solitaire deck and some Fritos, a bottle of Night Train, a couple mosquitoes (Or something else rhyming) and, oh, if you got 'em One vial prussic acid, one decaying ottom Or atom - whatever - but when it emits, A trigger device blasts the vial into bits Which snuffs our poor kitty. The odds of this crime Are 50 to 50 per hour each time. The cylinder's sealed. The hour's passed away. Is Our pussy still purring - or pushing up daisies? Now, you'd say the cat either lives or it don't But quantum mechanics is stubborn and won't. Statistically speaking, the cat (goes the joke), Is half a cat breathing and half a cat croaked. To some this may seem a ridiculous split, But quantum mechanics must answer, 'Tough shit'. We may not know much, but one thing's fo,sho': There's things in the cosmos that we cannot know. Shine light on electrons - you cause them to swerve. The act of observing disturbs the observed - Which ruins you test. But then if there's no testing To see if a particle's moving or resting Why try to conjecture? Pure useless endeavor! We know probability - certainty, never.' The effect of this notion? I very much fear 'Twill make doubtful all things that were formerly clear. Till soon the cat doctors will say in reports, 'We've just flipped a coin and we've learned he's a corpse.'" So said Herr Erwin. Quoth Albert, "You're nuts. God doesn't play dice with the universe, putz. I'll prove it!" he said, and the Lord knows he tried - In vain - until fin'ly he more or less died. Win spoke at the funeral: "listen, dear friends, Sweet Al was my buddy. I must make amends. Though he doubted my theory, I'll say of this saint: Ten-to-one he's in heaven - but five bucks says he ain't." -- Cecil Adams *** The ClipSave package is WhateverWare. If you like it, send me a postcard or some money, or donate to your favorite charity, or bake some brownies, or call your grandmother, or whatever. -- Russ Nelson, in documentation accompanying "ClipSave" software *** The Hero died. But that isn't the end of the story. -- Billboard 'Book Review', First Baptist Church, Bryan *** Some Sound Advice from Singapore by John Ciardi There as a man from Singapore Who dressed in everything he wore and took a walk along the shore. The shore was right beside the sea. Mostly -- or so it seems to me -- Because of nowhere else to be. For the same reason as before the sea was right beside the shore. As for the man from Singapore. His reason was: If you take care To dress in everything you wear, You won't get sunburned walking bare. *** The other day on the radio they were discussing why men are better at shooting craps than women. The reason being the hand motion that is required to shoot craps. Men have that motion down pretty good and women would have to explain where they got the practice. *** Four things should never flatter us; familiarity with the great, the caresses of women, the smiles of our enemies, nor a warm day in winter, for these things are not of long duration. (The Farmer's Almanack for 1793) Some go to church just for a walk, Some go there to laugh and talk; Some go there for speculation, Some go there for observation, Some go there to meet a lover Some the impulse of't discover; Some go there to meet a friend, Some go there the time to spend, some go to learn the parson's name, Some go there to wound his fame, Many go there to doze and nod, But few go there to worship God. (The Virginia and Farmer's Alamanac for 1793) Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press. *** From the 20 February 1994 Parade Magazine: THE ANTIDOTE FOR COMMUNIST NOSTALGIA In the former East Germany, where surveys show that only 1% of the people feel confident about the future, hard times have triggered a yearning for the "good old days" under communism. This nostalgia, called Ostalgie by residents, has hit those aged 16 to 26 especially hard. They are turning out in droves for disco theme nights, where they wear old German Youth Party uniforms. And there are concerts where fans drive old Trabi cars, eat goose-fat sandiches, drink Goldbrand brandy and try to recreate their old Marxist songfests. Also in the works is a theme park north of Berlin that will remind visitors of the dreary side of communism: scratchy toilet paper, lousy service, shops with no merchandise and biweekly military parades. Visitors can even be "arrested," jailed and interrogated by men dressed as members of the secret police. *** HOW TO KILL 8 HOURS A DAY AND STILL KEEP YOUR JOB It ain't that easy, but if you've got an average mind and a vague, ill-defined sense of resentment, you should be able to follow this easy guide and get away with murder. THINGS YOU CAN DO WITHOUT MOVING A MUSCLE: Watch the clock. Hum tunelessly. Daydream. Stare into space. Blank out. Stew in your own juices. Take a breather. Sigh. MEMOS: Write 'em. Read 'em. Ignore 'em. NEVER just wander around. Always have a piece of paper in your hand and look like you're going somewhere. 3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF: *Have I checked my work? *Have I double-checked my work? *Have I triple-checked my work? HANDY PHRASES: "Gooooood morning." "What a day!" "Ohh, my back." "Have a good one." PETTY BUT ODDLY SATISFYING OFFICE PRANKS: Put all callers on hold forever. Press all the buttons in the elevator. Borrow pens and never return them. HANDY HINTS! E-Z & FUN!! Clip fingernails. Paint fingernails. Bite fingernails. Sniff at air. Memorize calorie chart. Unwrap and chew gum. Swivel head on neck. FOR ADVANCED WORKERS ONLY -- Hurt and kill pesky flies. Make and sail paper airplanes. Kiss and grope a co-worker. FOR A CHANGE OF PACE, organize frequent little birthday parties!! Make sure everyone else is just as slow as you are. A consistent we're-all-in-thi-together attitude can inspire you all to depths of sloth and inefficiency you never knew existed. It's easy! UH-OH! HERE COMES TROUBLE! ---WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT:-- --YOU SAY:-- snooping........................."I'm looking for an eraser." sleeping........................."I've got it!! A great new idea for -- [think fast]." shirking.........................."I thought I was s'posed to be doing this." DON'T FORGET TO DOODLE! MAKE YOUR OWN OFFICE TOYS! With pushpins and an eraser, you can make a little pig. Fantasize about having sex with each person who walks through the door. BORED? WHY NOT: *Xerox your hand? *Think about yesteryear? *Start vicious rumors about a co-worker? IT'S ALWAYS time for a coffee break! *************If you print this and stick it on the office************ ****************bulletin board, you're in big trouble.*************** (from Matt Groening, Big Book of Hell) *** From: gillespr@ucs.orst.edu (Robert Gillespie) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban Subject: Re: UL Experiment/study New urban legends: 1. Humming causes oral cancer. 2. Baking soda is an effective means of birth control. (It is in sufficient quantities). 3. Homosexuality is caused by wearing pants. 4. Human feces mixed with vinegar form a high explosive. 5. Windows on new model cars can't be broken, even with a large rock. 6. Your heart stops during orgasm. 7. $50 and $100 bills soaked in gasoline won't burn. 8. Multiple-choice standardized tests always use the answers "a, b, c, d" repeating over and over. 9. Although insulting to the general public, the rigid extended middle digit is considered a friendly greeting by police officers ("we're #1"). 10. The blue ice used in insulated containers and ice chests comes from airplane toilets. *** "Do you know a cure for me?" "Why yes," he said, "I know a cure for everything. Salt water." "Salt water?" I asked him. "Yes," he said, "In one form or another; sweat, tears or the salt sea." -- Isak Dinesen *** Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" *** On a Ph. D. oral, he asked the candidate about the convergence properties of certain hypergeometric series. "I don't remember," said the student, "but I can always look it up if I need it." [The professor] was not pleased. "That doesn't seem to be true," he said, "because you sure need it now." from Paul Halmos' autobiography *** "Information is not knowledge, knowledge is not wisdom, wisdom is not truth, truth is not beauty, beauty is not love, love is not music, music is The Best." --Frank Zappa, Feb. 1988 *** The best thing for being sad," replied Merlyn, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. Ther eis only one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the thing for you. Look at what a lot of things there are to learn -- pure science, the only purity there is. You can learn astronomy in a lifetime, natural history in three, literature in six. And then, after you have exhausted a milliard lifetimes in biology and medicine and theocriticism and geography and history and economics -- why, you can start to make a cartwheel out of the appropriate wood, or spend fifty years learning to begin to learn to beat your adversary at fencing. After that you can start again on mathematics, until it is time to learn to plough. -- T. H. White *** We all have thought a lot about you by John Ciardi Two hundred twenty thousand, five hundred twenty-three Registered local voters (well, yes, including me Were asked to vote in secret on what to do with you. Two hundred twenty thousand five hundred twenty-two Voted to put you in a cage and throw away the key. That isn't quite unanimous, but I think you will agree That as a test of sentiment their vote will surely do To indicate what seems to be a rather general view Shared by the mayor, the aldermen, your teachers, the police, The deputy dog-catcher, the man who makes the keys, The man who makes the cages, and the keeper of the zoo. You might say everyone in town--no, that's not strictly true-- But *almost* everyone in town takes a dim view of you. *** Found in Reader's Digest: The Politically Correct National Football League would like to announce it's name changes and schedules for the '92 season: The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on opening day. Other key games will include the Dallas Western- Style Laborers hosting the L.A. Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers. In Week 2, there are several key matchups, highlighted by the showdown between the San Fransisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans Pretty Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the Philiadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West Indies Freebooters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats will play the Chicago Securities- Traders-in-a-Declining-Market. Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England Zealous Lovers of Country. *** A man decided to conduct a world wide poll He asked a Texan "Excuse me, what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" He got "What's a shortage?" He went to Poland, asked same the question and got "What's meat?" He went to Russia, asked same the question and got "What's an opinion?" He went to New York, asked the same question and got "What's an excuse me?" *** Cleaning out files today, I came across an old (? when) Ann Landers column with this 'author unknown' tidbit. It seems that when the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. Man spoke up and said, "Can I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed. Then the lord gave the lion 20 years. The lion, too, wanted only 10. Again Man spoke up, "May I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," said the lion. Then came the donkey who was also given 20 years. As with the others, 10 years was enough. Man again asked for the spare 10 years and he got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself. *** Why the Sky is Blue by John Ciardi I don't suppose you happen to know Why the sky is blue? It's because the snow Takes out the white. That leaves it clean For the trees and grass to take out the green. Then pears and bananas start to mellow, And bit by bit they take out the yellow. The sunsets, of course, take out the red And pour it into the ocean bed Or behind the mountains in the west. You take all that out and the rest Couldn't be anything else but blue. Look for yourself. You can see it's true. *** This is from the "Animals and Stuff" newsletter put out by Alaska Cooperative Extension, Fall 1992, by Ken Krieg, Livetock Specialist: Under "preventing farm fatalities" #5. When handling cattle or horses, either stand far enough away that they can't reach you with their feet or close enough to them that they can hurt you even if they kick. 21. NEVER, NEVER try to teach a pig to sing. It is a waste of your time and annoys the pig. "The lifecycle is all backwards. You should die first and get it out of the way. Then you live for 20 years in an old-age home, and get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and then you go to work. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You go to college and you party until you're ready for high school. Then you go to grade school, you become a little kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating, and you finish off as a gleam in somebody's eye." *** One more Lewis Grizzard quotation for you: Southerners do something to words just in the pronunciation. There is one word, "naked," which means you have no clothes on. But Southerners have another word, "nekkid" -- N-E-K-K-I-D -- which means you got no clothes on and you're up to something. *** My First Time Ever --: The sky was dark, the moon was high; All alone, just her and I. Her hair was so soft; her eyes so blue, I knew just what she wanted to do. Her skin so soft; her legs so fine, I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how, but I tried my best; I started by placing my hands on her breast. I remember my fear, my fast beating heart; But slowly she spread her legs apart. And when I did it I felt so shame; All at once the white stuff came. At last it's all finished; it's all over now, My first time ever at milking a cow. *** TAKEN FROM "THE BIG BOOK OF HELL" BY MATT GROENING ---------------------------------------------------------------------- CHAPTER I: WHAT IS LOVE? (and why do you think you deserve some?) THE SLANG OF LOVE - Despite media reports to the contrary, astute luvologists (scientists of love) have pointed out that love is no country hayride. As evidence, they offer thousands of underground street terms for "love". But here are a few: the tremors mush-brain the gooeys whirlorama palpitations brick-in-the-face bucket-o-clams jellybones loopy slip-n-slide slop-n-mop WHAT THE GREAT PHILOSOPHERS HAVE SAID VIS-A-VIS LOVE - "Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell." -Bertand Russell "Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun." -Kierkegaard "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -Nietzsche THE LOVE PIE [unfortunately, because I can't draw in this program, you'll have to imagine a pie graph with these percentages - and please note: I do realize it adds up to over 100%]: Economic need - 29% Depraved cravings - 23% Lust - 19% Need of backrubs - 15% Sappiness - 14% Social Imperative - 11% Beats Watching TV - 11% Cuddling - 9% Everybody's doin' it - 9% Biological drive - 3% Hankering - 3% Curiosity - 2% Parental approval - 2% WHY YOU MIGHT FEEL UNLOVED: |_| You are such a dreadful person that no one could possibly love you. |_| You are the only one who really exists in the universe, and the rest of us are just phantom images. |_| Who the hell cares? THE SECRET OF LOVE (A special note for advanced love experts only): [in the book, the answer is written upside-down] The secret of love is -- wait a minute. Someone who should know better is peeking. So you think you're an advanced love expert, eh? You oughta be ashamed. LOVE STOPPERS TEXTBOOK Watch out for these early warning signs of love: bouncy step goo-goo eyes babbling bored friends *** I Hate to Wait by John Ciardi Someone came to see me when I was not at home. I let him in and told him I was sorry he had come On just exactly almost the day I wasn't there. So we made an appointment to meet again somewhere. I think we said last Tuesday noon at quarter after eight. He said he'd be there on the dot but that he might be late. I said if he was there on time I would be glad to wait. I even told my mother I was going to meet him there. But now it's Thursday morning and I can't remember where I was supposed to meet him. I know he hasn't come. I'll give him ten more minutes. And then I'm going home. *** "The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" *** I do not know where the 2% number comes from, but I do know of a recent article published in Archive of Sexuality which found that 41% of all reported completed forcible rapes in a small midwestern metropolitan community were false reports (Kanin, E.J., False rape allegations. Arch. Sex. Behav. 23:81-92, 1994). The study is quite interesting because it has a clear definition of a false-rape accusation. In this study, only rapes where the woman recanted and admited the accusation was false were counted as false rape accusations. The study took place in a 70,000 pop community where police policy forbids police from using their discretion to pursue rape charges. In addition, only the complainant can declare a rape false and must do so by a written statement. Complainants who admit to having falsely claimed rape are charged with a felony (filing a false complaint), thus there is substantial pressure to not admit to having filed a false claim of rape. The study covers a period of 1978-1987. Of the 109 reported claims of rape 45 were found to be false. The article provides great methodological detail and seems quite sound. The result was quite suprising to me. In an addenda at the end of the article the authors report data from "two large midwestern state universities". Over a three year period, the author reports that 32 of the 64 reported forcible rapes were found to be false. In this case the original claim and the later admission that the claim was false was the responsibility of the ranking female officer. The article discusses the motivation for filing false rape charges. I won't detail them here, but they were primarily to alibi behavior or for revenge. The article provides references to studies reporting false rape allegations varying from a low of 0.25% to a high of 100%. Clearly, there is no concensus about the extent of false rape. It seems that anyone quoting a firm statistic has probably just selected the one they like. I have to say that I was really surprised by this study. I would have thought that false rape might be in the area of 10%, certainly not between 40 and 50%. If this is true the implications are rather chilling. Source: Kim Wallen, Dept of psychology, kim@unix.cc.emory.edu *** To get the attention of a large animal, be it an elephant or a bureaucracy, it helps to know what part of it feels pain. Be very sure, though, that you want its full attention. -- Kelvin Throop, "Analog" Dec 1984 *** The characters of Ren and Stimpy are universal. These two personalities - basically, an asshole and a retard - are everywhere; everybody recognizes them. You identify with them. -- animator John Kricfalusi, creator of Ren and Stimpy (who has since been forced out by the corporate drones at Nickelodeon from the program) *** We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. -- Plato *** THE PEOPLE UPSTAIRS The people upstairs all practice ballet. Their living room is a bowling alley. Their bedroom is full of conducted tours. Their radio is louder than yours. They celebrate week ends all the week. When they take a shower, your ceilings leak. They try to get their parties to mix By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks, And when their orgy at last abates, They go to the bathroom on roller skates. I might love the people upstairs wondrous If instead of above us, they just lived under us. -- Ogden Nash *** Intelligence is the ability to perceive patterns. Genius is the ability to perceive patterns where the bulk of mankind cannnot. Scholarship is the ability to perceive patterns where there aren't any." -- Michael J. Moran, Director of Mechanical Technology Kolmar Laboratories, Inc. - New York *** Time again for another installment from... MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" YOUR GUIDE TO MODERN CREATIVE ARTISTIC TYPES ---------------------------------------------------------------------- CREATIVE| DOMINANT |SECONDARY |DISTIN- |HAUNTING |HOW TO ARTISTIC|PERSONALITY|PERSONALITY |GUISHING |QUESTION |ANNOY THEM TYPE | TRAIT |TRAITS |FEATURES | | ________|___________|____________|__________|____________|___________ Writer |Self- |Pomposity |Nervous |"Am I just a|Say:"But how |Absorption |Irritability|twitching.|hack?" |do you make | |Whining |Bad pos- | |a living?" | | |ture. | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Painter |Self- |Delusions of|Spattered |"Should I |Say: It's |Obsession |Grandeur |pants. |move to New |not finished | | |Inarticu- |York?" |is it?" | | |late ex- | | | | |planations| | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Poet |Self-Pity |Paranoia |Weird lips|"Why does |Be another | |Bitterness |Sniveling |everyone |poet. | |Bile |Poverty |avoid me?" | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Perform-|Self- |Alienation. |Vaguely |"Given the |Say: "I saw ance |Indulgence |Irrational- |punkish |infinite # |something Artist | |ity. Shame- |look, only|of things I |just like | |lessness. |with wrin-|could do with|that once | | |kled skin.|my life, why|on the Gong | | | |am I standing|Show." | | | |here on stage| | | | |slapping meat| | | | |on my head?" | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Actor |Self- |Self-Doubt |Aura of |"Do I have |Say: "Put |Devotion | |insincer- |any talent?" |on a few | | |ity | |pounds, | | | | |haven't u?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Rock and|Self- |Sleaziness |Sallow |"Where am I?"|Throw beer Roll |Complacency|Sliminess |complexion| |bottles at Guitarist| |Smugness |Venereal | |their heads | | |scabs | |during | | | | |concerts. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Street |Self- |Compulsion |Scrawny |"Have I no |Punch 'em Mime |Satisfaction|to pester |bod. Torn |shame?" |in the | | |leotards. | |mouth. | | |Impish | | | | |behavior. | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Cartoon-|Malicious |Frivolous |Inky fingers|"Will I be |It is ist |frivolity |maliciousness|Inky shirts|drawing |unwise to | | |Inky pants |g-d---ed |annoy | | | |rabbits for|cartoonists | | | |the rest of| | | | |my life?" | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- *** I'm not sure I can take your advice. You are dealing with English Gentlemen. We are dealing with monsters. -- Martin Buber, German Jewish Philosopher, in response to Mahatma Gandhi's suggestion that passive resistance be used to combat the Nazi government in Germany, as was used against the British in India. *** : Sean "Dr. Banana" Charlesworth : *sass: know, be aware of, : : (sdc116@psu.edu) : meet, have sex with : :>=====================================<: **hoopy: really together : : Hey, you sass* that hoopy** Dr. : guy : : Banana? There's a frood*** who : ***frood: really amazingly : : really knows where his towel is. : together guy : *** Lamont Granquist (lamontg@u.washington.edu) The Complete X-Generation Manifesto: We hereby resolve that attempts by older generations to blindly label and categorize things in an attempt to fit them into their defective world-view shall be condemned. The End. *** Clipper is a last ditch attempt by the United States, the last great power from the old Industrial Era, to establish imperial control over cyberspace. -- John Perry Barlow *** The whole silly song, courtesy of ftp from cs.uwp.edu : "Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann from The Roaring Silence (c) 1976 lyrics by Bruce Springstein Chorus: Blinded by the light revved up like a deuce Another runner in the night Blinded by the light revved up like a deuce Another runner in the night Blinded by the light revved up like a deuce Another runner in the night (fading) Madman dummers bummers, Indians in the summer, With a teenager diplomat And the dumps with the mumps As the adolescent pumps his way into his hat With a boulder my shoulder, feeling kinda older, I tripped the merry-go-round With this very unpleasin', sneezin' and wheezin, the calliope crashed to the ground (pickup) the calliope crashed to the ground (chorus) Some silicon sister with a manager mister told me I go what it takes. I'll run you on sonny to something strong play the song with the funky break And go-cart Mozart was checkin' out the weather charts see if it was safe outside And little ealy birdir gave my arms a curly-whirly and asked me if i needed a ride (pickup) asked me if i needed a ride (chorus) Bridge: She got down but she never got tired She's gonna make it to the night She's gonna make it through the night (break with soul-stirring solo) Oh momma that's where the fun is But momma that's where the fun is Momma always told me not to look in the eye's on the sun But momma that's where the fun is (chop sticks variation) So brimestone-baritone, anti-cyclone Rolling Stone Preacher from the East, says dethrown the dictaphone, hit it in it's funny bone thats what they expect atleast It's a new grown chaperon standing in the corner watching the young girls dance and some fresh sown moonstone messing with his frozen zone, only reminding him of romance (pickup) and the calliope crashed to the ground (Chorus) (Chorus and First Verse) Now Scott with the sling-shot finially found a tender spot and throws his lover in the sand and some blood-shot forget-me-not said daddy's waX X X ?buck-shot? turn up the band (repeat Verse 2 "Silicon sister with a manager....") (bridge) *** Not God, who, it must be faced, as inventor of laughter and creator of all things is quite big and strong enough to handle a joke without some humorless cleric springing to his defence. No, blasphemy only threatens those whose faith in their religion is weak, whose beliefs in it are insecure. A lifetime's commitment to a church is a noble thing, and those who embrace their faith with strength will find that the sniggerings of the unfaithful glance off them harmlessly; but those who doubt it, or who have allowed the glory and the politics of rank and favour within the Church to mean more to them than their faith itself, then they certainly will quiver with baffled vanity and scared outrage at every joke and squib. -- Stephen Fry as Donald Trefusis on BBC Radio, "Trefusis Blasphemes" as transcribed in his book _Paperweight_ *** The physical, mental & emotional fatigue in the touring musician is a major contribution to the control of artists by the industry and the psychological distortion evident in so many artists: rock 'n' roll keeps you young, and kills you early. -- Robert Fripp, in an interview back in 1981 *** Mark Twain and I are in very much the same position. We have to put things in such a way as to make people who would otherwise hang us believe that we are only joking. -- George Bernard Shaw *** William S. Burroughs and a passage from "The Adding Machine", in an essay about Hemmingway: "He who writes death as the pilot of a small plane in Africa should beware of small planes in Africa, especially in the vicinity of Kilimanjaro. But it was written, and he stepped right into his own writing. The brain damage he sustained butting his way out of the burning plane led to his hopeless depression, and eventually his suicide. He put both barrels of a twelve gauge shotgun, no. 6 heavy duck load, against his forehaed and tripped both triggers. Fix yourself on that: 'White white white as far as the eyes could see ahead... The Snows of Kilimanjaro.' And, unlike the french detective writer, Hemmingway wasn't cheating by the act of suicide. He was dead already." *** When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. -- P. J. O'Rourke *** From page 165 of the 5/94 issue of Details (yeah, I read it, so shoot me): _The GenX Reader_ by Douglas Rushkoff 'Baby, it's you.' (mentioning and presumably sampling:) Mondo 2000 Immediast Underground Katie Roiphe The Next Progressive Cyberpunks Details Earth Girl Walter Kirn The "I Hate Brenda" Newsletter Beavis and Butt-head Douglas Coupland Slacker William S. Burroughs Nirvana "Lead or Leave" I'm feeling pandered to and I DON'T LIKE IT!!! My heart desires, but my mind revolts. Stop me before I buy it!!! Peter F. Dubuque dubuque@husc.harvard.edu *** Sometimes he thought __------------_ _ which?" -- sadly to himself, _- \ \ and sometimes "Why?" and sometimes - \ ||| he didn't he thought "Where- //: | | | || quite know fore?" and some- //v:v \ \ ) __( | || what he times he thought, || : | | |----- | | | || _was_ think- "Inasmuch as /_/|:__-\_\_) (_(_ _/ MM ing about. *** I just discovered this: an entire group of people posting hundreds and hundreds of notes to each other under the misapprehension that they have something in common. Has anyone here read Vonnegut's _Cat's Cradle_ ? Do you know what a false karass is? Generation X is a false karass. I have never seen a more eager attempt on the part of a bunch of random people to feel specious and hollow "unity." Generation X: I suggesty we rename it Gener-x, or generics.... "the best sorryfrat on life's campus" heh? Anyone want to form a group called "alt.random.lost.souls?" Kurt Scaletta kscale31@maine.bitnet words by a.a. milne, picture based on one by e.h. shepard *** > > Actually, I find the whole unwinding of events involving us kind of > > interesting. You believe in fate? > > Actually, I think I kind of do. I didn't used to though. Or maybe I > > just never thought about it before. > Do you believe in cause and effect fate, like predestination? Or do you > believe in fate as being a series of cosmic coincidences whereby the natural > physical laws of attraction come to play with the metaphysical laws of the > very nature of existence? I mean, quintessentially the ramifications of > either model are staggering... but I digress... > Oh boy, I'm laughing... I forgot that I actually talk like this. It was actually a serious question. Which is it, predestination, or a propensity towards certain things, that drives fate? What's funny is that there are two philosophers from the Enlightenment period, one named Calvin and one named Hobbes, who espouse the opposite philosophies. Calvinists believe in predestination, that is, your life has been predetermined. Hobbes, an English dude, believed that you have preferences that guide all of your decisions, and that given a set of circumstances you will always prefer to act in a certain way. It's funny that Bill Waterson picked them as the names of his cartoon characters. I wonder if he did it on purpose. -- Adam Rifkin, talking to Cindy Parker *** HICCUP I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. *** A Missouri Fable by John Ciardi A man named Finchley once without thinking much about it broke into the premises of Mr. Billy Jo Trant of these parts, by which felonious entry he meant to separate Mr. Billy Jo from various properties, but stepping on a noise without thinking enough about it woke Mr. Billy Jo who took in hand a Colt .45 and, improving the order of his rebuttal, fired three times in an entirely accurate way and then said "Hands up!" without thinking that the man named Finchley once was not listening as carefully as he might have had Mr. Billy Jo thought to disagree with him in a slightly different order. Moral: commit yourself to another man's premises and you may, in logic, have to accept his conclusion. *** I dream't of heaven the other night, And the pearly gates swung wide. An angel with halo bright Ushered me inside. An there to my astonishment Stood folks I'd judged and labeled As quite "unfit," "of little worth," And spiritually disabled. Indignant words rose to my lips But never were set free: For every face showed stunned surprise, Not one expected me. -- Origin anonymous *** Time again for another installment of "Life in Hell", stolen from: MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- We've all heard the hoary old proverb, "Today is the first day of the rest of your short, brutish existence as a sentient creature before being snuffed out into utter nothingness for all eternity." And yet how many of us have faced up to all the implications of this cheerful reminder of our futile moral struggles? It's not that we don't care that our time is running out -- it's just that we're too busy having fun in our humdrum daily huff-and-puff gyrations to organize any long-term plans. But what if, after a routine physical checkup, your doctor cleared his throat, coughed a couple times, gazed at you mournfully, then suddenly blurted: "I'm afraid I've got some bad news, [your name here]. The test results are in, and, well, er -- you've got less than eighty years to live. I'm sorry." Whoa!! Then what? Where's that smug and complacent smile now, huh? Eh? Hah? So that's how come this checklist, printed on special paper, will endure as long as you will. Clip this out and stow in your secret moneybelt, checking the appropriate box as you complete each task. Don't attempt everything -- relax, have fun. take it easy, and memento mori. CHILDHOOD ACCOMPLISHMENTS: |_| Toilet traning -----> |_| Learn monosyllabic profanity |_| Learn polysyllabic profanity --> |_| Win a spelling bee |_| Second prize/spelling bee ---> |_| Figure out spelling bees are |_| Realize adults are liars for jerks CREATIVE SELF-EXPRESSION: |_| Compose a great symphony |_| Paint a revolutionary |_| Write the great American novel masterpiece |_| Create an endearing cartoon character beloved by millions |_| Write several unsold screenplays then move back to Idaho FAMILY UNIT FUNCTIONING: |_| Raise an ungrateful child |_| Raise several ungrateful children PHYSICAL EXERTIONS: |_| Go over Niagra Falls in a barrel |_| Swim the English Channel |_| Climb Mt. Everest |_| Win an Olympic gold medal |_| Climb part-way up Mt. Everest |_| Swim a few laps at the Y |_| Climb the stairs every day to every so often your job |_| Watch 153,000 hours of TV SEX-N-LOVE: |_| One orifice |_| Lifetime true love and |_| Two orifices faithfulness |_| Three or more orifices |_| Series of stormy relationships ending in bitterness and recrimination ODDBALL ITEMS: |_| Sit around most of the time |_| Quit your job, pack your whining bags, and spend the rest of your life on some south seas island eating bananas and reading Dostoyevski YOUR DEATH: |_| With your boots on |_| With one boot on and one |_| With your boots off boot off *** Kurt's Note as read by Courtney Windows .WAV file available on The CyberDen - 415.472.5527 in : \cyberlink\cultures\alternative\sounds Also available via anonymous ftp to cyberden.com (Same Dir) I don't know what to say. I feel the same way you guys do. If you guys don't think... to sit in this room where he played guitar and sang, and feel so honored to be near him, you're crazy... Anyway, he left a note, it's more like a letter to the fucking editor. I don't know what happened. I mean it was gonna happen, but it could've happened when he was 40. He always said he was gonna outlive everybody and be a hundred and twenty. I'm not gonna read you all the note 'cause it's none of the rest of your fucking business. But some of it is to you. I don't really think it takes away his dignity to read this considering that it's addressed to most of you. He's such an asshole. I want you all to say 'asshole' really loud. "This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years since my first introduction to the shall we say, ethics involved with independence and embracement of your community, it's proven to be very true. "I haven't felt the excitment of listening to as well as creating music, along with really writing something, for too many years now. "I feel guilty beyond words about these things -- for example, when we're backstage and the light go out and the roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love and relish the love and adoration of the crowd." Well, Kurt, so fucking what -- then don't be a rock star you asshole. "Which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact that I can't fool you, any one of you, it simply isn't fair to you or to me. The worst crime I could think of would be to pull people off by faking it, pretending as if I'm having 100% fun" Well Kurt, the worst crime I can think of is for you to just continue being a rock star when you fucking hate it, just fucking stop. "Sometimes I feel as I should have a punch-in time-clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it, and I do, God believe me I do, but it's not enough. I appreciate the fact that I and we have effected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're alone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours I've had a much better appreciation of all the people I know personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get out the frustration to gather the empathy I have for everybody. There's good in all of us and I simply love people too much." So why didn't you just fucking stay? "So much that it makes me feel just too fucking sad. Sad little sensative unappreciative Pieces --" Jesus man oh shut up.. bastard Why didn't you just enjoy it? I don't know. Then he goes on to say personal things to me that are none of your damn business; personal things to Frances that are none of your damn business. "I had a good marriage, and for that I'm grateful. But since the age of seven, I've become hateful toward all humans in general only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy." Empathy? "Only because I love and feel for people too much I guess Thank you all from the pit of my burning nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the last years. I'm pretty much of an erratic moody person and I don't have the passion anymore. Peace, Love, Empathy, Kurt Cobain." And there is some more personal things that is none of your damn business. And just remember: this is all bullshit... And I'm laying in our bed, and I'm really sorry. And I feel the same way you do. I'm really sorry you guys. I don't know what I could have done. I wish I'd been here. I wish I hadn't listened to other people, but I did. Every night I've been sleeping with his mother, and I wake up in the morning and think it's him because his body's sort of the same. I have to go now. -- Courtney Love *** Mon, 11 Apr 94 18:26:29 GMT From: i9253209@wsuaix.csc.wsu.edu (Joseph Erhard-Hudson) I wanted to throw a few data points in to the speculation over Kobain's depression and the immedeate cause of his death. (gleaned from an AP Story published today [monday 4-11] regarding a memorial vigil held Sunday evening in Seattle) His suicide note, as read by his wife Courtney Love, included the following words: "I haven't felt the excitement for so many years. I felt guilty for so many years. The fact is I can't fool you, any one of you. The worst crime is faking it." "I don't have the passion any more. 'It's better to burn out than to fade away.'" [here Cobain quotes a Neil Young lyric] Courtney herself added, "I feel just the same way you guys [the fans] do. I don't know how it happened. I knew it was going to happen, but it could have happened when he was 40." I'm not a professional, just a patient, but it all looks and sounds to me like depression. The story gave no indication whether Cobain was under any sort of treatment. As for Courtney and Cobain's bandmates, and whether they should have intervened more? Intervention is very hard, and ultimately depression must be healed by the patient who must want to heal. For all we know Cobain might have died years ago but for the love and support he received from them. Let's not be too quick to judge here, but take a lesson in how difficult it can be to help someone who is obviously depressed and sliding down fast. *** World's End by John Ashbery Sometimes it's more time than we care to be, with the others. Sometimes it's interesting. I can only tell you how to stop things happening. Life is legendary. We're very bullish on life. Dogs and other lives convince us life is dog-cheap. The future is a ghost. The past, it says here, is an automated mannikin. Not death, one of his plenipotentiaries. Sea in my regards, this life is lit with all the sleep it can absorb. I used to shuffle a lot. Someday with luck I'll make it to the newstand and buy some cherries, greet old friends. *Printed in the New Yorker, p. 88, 28 February 1994* *** This edition of HUMOR brought to you by... MATT GROENING AND HIS "BIG BOOK OF HELL" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ARE YOU QUALIFIED TO BE A CLEVER FILM CRITIC? |_| Did you have no friends as a child? |_| Do you salivate at the smell of stale popcorn? |_| Do you thrill at the prospect of spending a career writing in-depth analyses of movies aimed at subliterate 15-year-olds? |_| Do you mind being loathed for your clever opinions? HOW TO PAD OUT A CLEVER FILM REVIEW WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY: |_| Recount the plot |_| Throw in gratuitous puns |_| Write about yourself FOR ADVANCED FILM CRITICS ONLY! Can you use "mise-en-scene" in a review that anyone will finish reading? DEVELOP A CLEVER RATING SYSTEM THAT REDUCES YOUR CRITIQUES TO CUTE 'N' EASY CONSUMER GUIDES *** Stars are fun! 9 1/2 Numbers are in! :) :) :) How about smileys? $$$$ Or dollar signs?? ??????????????DON'T FORGET CINEMA'S GREATEST PARADOX?????????????????? The French are funny, sex is funny, and comedies are funny. YET NO FRENCH SEX COMEDIES ARE FUNNY. THE 4 TYPES OF CLEVER FILM CRITICS (Which do you aspire to be?) - ACADEMIC TYPE: boring, unreadable - SERIOUS TYPE: reveals endings - DAILY TYPE: nice plot summaries - TV CLOWN: nice sweaters CLEVER WORDS TO USE IN REVIEWS SO AS TO ENSURE YOU WILL BE QUOTED IN FILM ADS (pick one from column A and one from column B): -COLUMN A- | -COLUMN B- adverbs | adjectives ---------------------------------|------------------------------------ richly | haunting marvelously | touching wonderfully | absorbing oddly | evocative provocatively | compelling refreshingly | elegant stunningly | original ---------------------------------------------------------------------- And don't forget these handy phrases: "I loved it!" "It sizzles!" "...great fun..." "A masterpiece!" IF YOU CAN'T BE A CLEVER FILM CRITIC, MAYBE YOU CAN BE: |_| A sniveling cinema enthusiast who actually tries to talk like a clever film critic in casual conversation |_| A film buff so devoted to the medium that you have opinions of movies you haven't seen |_| One of those squeakers who writes irate letters to clever film critics *** "You can't buy love, but you *can* buy friends." -- Bob Fetters, from THE BEARS' 2nd album, "Rise and Shine" *** Taken from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL", at a rather apropos time ----------------------------------------------------------------------- "DON'T BE A FOOL, STAY IN SCHOOL." How many times have you heard that wise old rhyme? Plenty, we bet. And there's a good reason. School is good. School is important. School prepares you for the future. By sitting quietly in neat rows for long periods of time doing exactly what you are told in school, you are preparing to sit quietly in neat rows for long periods of time doing exactly what you are told as an adult. And remember: "If you stay in school for years and years, you'll delay (for a while) your worst working fears." PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT. That's right, Work is not all gravy and bonus points. At moments it can be frustrating, degrading, and downright irksome. Do you know what top business leaders have to say about this? "Tough beans, pal." Think about it. WHAT KIND OF WORK DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? Don't take this question lightly. The answer could very well affect your entire future. Do you take pleasure in adding up column after column of meaningless numbers, or is your idea of a good time wading through mountains of bureaucratic gibberish? ~ Do you enjoy utterly mindless heavy manual labor, or would you rather sit on your butt behind a desk for decades while your arteries harden and your muscles turn to mush? ~ Do you want to work in an office full of devious, bitter, nervous wrecks who all resent each other, or would you rather toil alone in a windowless room with no distractions and be watched by a security camera? ~ Do you enjoy being bullied by several small bosses, or would you rather be bullied by one big boss? ~ Are you willing to give up all your youthful wild dreams and soaring ambitions for a boring but secure job, or would you rather refrain from selling out and spend the rest of your life working at a series of worthless, marginal jobs with no future on the slim chance that someday your luck will miraculously change? [**I'm depressed now.**] THE SECRET OF SUCCESS: 1. Get a job. 2. Get a better job. 3. Get an even better job. **repeat if necessary** *** Keep it Simple Strike three. Get your hand off my knee. You're overdrawn. Your horse won. Yes. No. You have the account. Walk. Don't walk. Mother's dead. Basic events require simple language. Idiosyncratically euphuistic eccentricities are the promulgators of triturable abfuscation. What did you do last night? Enter into a meaningful romantic involvement? or fall in love? What did you have for breakfast this morning? The upper part of a hog's hind leg with two oval bodies encased in a shell or ham and eggs? David Belasco, the great American theatrical producer once said, "If you can't write your idea on the back of my calling card, you don't have a clear idea." -- United Technologies Shannon Cullen scullen@fscvax.fsc.mass.edu *** I think my favorite sport in the Olympics is the one in which you make your way through the snow, you stop, you shoot a gun, and then you continue on. In most of the world, it is known as the biathlon, except in New York City, where it is known as winter. -- Michael Ventre of the L.A. Daily News, as quoted by Tom FitzGerald in his San Francisco Chronicle column. *** Secret Love Techniques... ...That Could Possibly Turn Men Into Putty In Your Hands FROM (WHERE ELSE BUT) MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" I think it's important to note that none of this is to be taken seriously, and by no means am I man-bashing. I am simply copying something humorous for you all to enjoy. And as you can see anyway, this was, in fact, written by a man. The opinions expressed in this post are not necessarily the opinions of, well, me. Men: have no fear; Monday's edition will be for you... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN: MEN! What a world, huh? In the old days, everything was easy, with true love and hearts and flowers and frilly dresses and light petting and sing-along hayrides -- but nowadays everything is screwy. You always gotta be on guard, because no one can be trusted -- not even your favorite lover. It's sad in a way, but we can't just give up. A man without a woman is like a tugboat in a logjam. A woman without a man is like a fish run over by a bicycle. Hence, this here guide, to help women help men to see the love light. (1) DAZZLE 'EM. Face it. Men are dopes -- gorillas -- sweaty, lumbering beasts -- and to get their attention you have to fool 'em -- trick 'em -- practically whack 'em on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. **Example** HE: "HEY -- what for you whack me onna nose with a rolled up newpaper? SAY -- what is that intriguingly provocative perfume you're wearing?" (2) FEIGN INTEREST IN THEIR TEDIOUS JABBER. Men dig it when they can babble on endlessly year after year about guns, blimps, and cigars without being challenged to change the subject. All you have to do is learn a few simple words and develop a capacity for lengthy monologues on carburetors, home computers, and Curly of the Three Stooges. **Example** SHE: "Rilly? My goodness. Rilly?" (3) ACT PETULANT. For some weird reason, men get a charge out of seeing women getting really steamed -- particularly when it's about something trivial, like a run in your stocking or equal pay for equal work. Just stomp your foot on the floor, stick out your lower lip, utter a light obscenity, and listen for that condescending, indulgent male chuckle that says, "Whatsamatta, Baby?" **Example** HE: "My you look pretty when you're psychopathic." (4) BE UNFATHOMABLE. One thing that keeps men hooked is when they can't figure out what the hell is going on. This is easy -- just think of yourself as a faucet that runs boiling hot or icy cold without warning. Men won't like it, but they have been known to spend entire lifetimes trying to understand it. **Example** SHE: "I love you." HE: "I love you too." SHE: "You don't know what love is." HE: "Huh?" SHE: "Please -- let's not fight. I love you." (5) SLIP INTO SOMETHING A BIT MORE COMFORTABLE. Get all dolled up and come on like gangbusters. Nothing can sway a would-be dreamboat like ruby red lips, three-inch painted fingernails, a peek-a-boo blouse, and see-thru panties. Works like a voodoo charm. **Example** HE: "Yikes." (6) ACCEDE TO THEIR SICKO EROTIC REQUESTS. Men can be likened to rutting grizzly bears, snurfling wolverines, or sex-crazed white rabbits with just one thing on their disgusting minds. Actually, you can play it two ways: either f--- their brains out, for which you will be rewarded with doglike devotion, or withhold all sexual favors 'til later, for which you will be rewarded with doglike devotion. **Example** SHE: "Ooh baby I love it when we cuddle." HE: "Mmm-hmm." SHE: "Listen Mister keep yer grubby paws to yerself." (7) MAKE 'EM WHISTLE A DIFFERENT TUNE. Men are basically quivering, spineless jellyfish just floating along in life -- but with the right amount of pushing, prodding, and nagging, you can improve them -- from hopelessly insensitive oafs into hopelessly sensitive oafs. Remember: keep at it. **Example** SHE: "Straighten up, honey -- you're slouching. Take that toothpick out of your mouth, It's vulgar. You'll thank me for this someday. Don't give me that look, it's unbecoming." (8) DEFLATE 'EM. It's surprisingly easy to puncture the egos of slow-witted male behemoths with a quick verbal jab or an unyielding moral/political exhortation. Curiously, men feel a tremendous amount of guilt that is held in check only by an equally hefty load of unfocused rage -- and you can work this to your advantage. **Example** HE: "Hey, look at this silly cartoon." SHE: "Why, in this time of the changing values and female liberation, do men persist in laughing at women?" HE: "I -- I am filled with shame." (9) Put your arm around your honey, read this cartoon aloud together, and say: "Aren't you glad we're beyond all this?" *** [deleted, so sue me] The ornateness of the architecture of the grand self-delusion which the couple trys to inveigle others into enjoining them with is sheer balderdash; even the attempt to foist such nonsense upon a sentient world is a maneuver of such unmitigated audacity and unparalleled affrontery as to warrant a change in the universal barometer of common sense, to allow for new low readings. *** We started him eating the seven basic food groups, and now there are only three left. -- Orlando's Pat Williams on Stanley Roberts, as quoted by Tom FitzGerald in his San Francisco Chronicle column. *** The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted. -- George Bernard Shaw *** There have never in history been so many opportunities to do so many thins that aren't worth doing. -- U.S. novelist William Gaddis That line underscores an important distinction - that of failing at that which is worth doing, as opposed to succeeding at something which is not. Given that distinction, there is nothing more demoralizing than to fail at something that you knew wasn't worth doing in the first place. -- William Gaddis, commenting on his above quotation *** This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, you'd be writhing on the ground in unspeakable agony, bleeding from every orifice, with your blackened skin falling away in ragged strips. -- Geoff Miller *** My generation strikes me as self-absorbed. You hear them at the grocery store deliberating the balsamic vinegar and the olive oils, the cold-pressed virgin olive oil vs. the warm-pressed experienced olive oil, and you thin, "These people probably subscribe to an olive oil magazine." They are people with too much money and very little character, people who are all sensibility and no sense, all nostalgia and no history, the people my aunt Eleanor used to call "a $10 haircut on a 59-cent head" -- people I would call yuppie swine. Whitewater is their kind of scandal. It's carbonated, and it's less about what's real than it is about perceptions. It's all surface. But people of my generation are into surface. -- humorist Garrison Keillor, 4/12/94 *** Little Red Riding Hood--Politically correct, of course by Jim Garner copied by Andy Tiarks April 24, 1993 originally appeared in "Comic Relief" April, 1993 There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult. So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her. On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse, me I must be on my way." Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way." "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what big teeth you have!" The Wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space. Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped. "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood. The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him. "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!" When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the Wolf's mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after. *** Date: Mon, 18 Apr 1994 09:55:32 PDT From: Cindy Parker Subject: 9 Secret Love Techniques... (may be off. to women) ...Women Find Well-Nigh Irresistible FROM MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" Opinions expressed in this post are certainly *not* those of its contributor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN! Ever meet that special female lady person of our fair sex, the women, and she give you a look like you was a warthog from hell? Lots of times? Well listen, bro, things could be plenty different once you master the 9 Secret Love Techniques Women Find Well-Nigh Irresistible. Plenty different. So settle down, take off them boots, chow down on a Hungry-Man TV dinner and a bottle of lite beer, belch a couple times, rub yer face, let out a whoop, spit on the floor, and check this out. 1. CLEAN UP YER ACT! That's right! Take a shower every week and scrub that grit off! The smelly caveman look so popular last season is definitely declasse nowadays. 2. GET A NICKNAME! That's right! Nothing piques the curiosity of a woman like an evocative nickname. Tattoo it in your chest for easy reference. Examples: "Powerhouse", "Mad Dog", "Elvis", "Big Pee Wee", "Janitor in a Drum". **Example** HE: "But my friends call me 'Chunk-Style'." 3. BE MASCULINE*! (*Masculine = like a man) That's right! Move yer arms around. Flex yer muscles. Puff out yer chest. Stand up straight. Swagger down the street. Squint. Snarl. Sneer. Mutter angry gibberish to no one in particular. Don't take no guff. **Example** HE: "Grrr. Grunt. Feh." 4. COPY HER GESTURES! Yep! Drives 'em wild. If she leans forward, you lean forward. If she scratches her nose, you scratch your own [<-- important] nose. This shows you are both synchronized with the universe or something. Works like a charm. **Example** BOTH: "Are you mocking me? No. Help! Police!" 5. PREEN YERSELF BUT GOOD! That's no jive! Women dig that extra touch that tells 'em "This guy is nifty". Things like a sporty new haircut, blinking chest medallion, or handy pencil tucked behind the ear. Remember: you can never use too much aftershave lotion. **Example** HE: "Hey, wanna see my new wrist calculator?" 6. LISTEN AT HER! Uh-huh! Nothing -- but nothing -- puts a woman offguard like if she thinks yer paying attention to her ceaseless prattle. Meanwhiles, you got some important thinking of yer own to get done -- so ya gotta learn the subtle gestures and murmurs that'll keep you out of hot water! Hot doggies! **Example** HE: "My my. Hmmm. Is that so? Well ain't that a corker." 7. GIVE HER THE OLD ONCE-OVER! Nyup! When a guy looks a woman up and down from the top of her new perm to the bottom of her stiletto heels, it's like saying, "You're the hostess with the mostest!" This courtship ritual is used the world over, from the lowliest sea slug to our most eminent brainy science guys. **Example** HE: "Gol! Shucks! Woo woo! Ooh la la! Merci beaucoups! I yi yi!" 8. SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS! Watch out! This one's a doozy, what with all the ding-dang fuss over "equality", "freedom", and "justice". But if you stick to yer guns, jut out yer chin like a tough guy, and bellow "Ahh, shuddup" enough times, she'll get the message. Remember: some women are easier to fool than others. **Example** HE: "I said getcher -ss in here." SHE: "WHAT?" HE: "Oh -- nothing." 9. Give her this guide, drop to yer knees, yelp like a wounded pup and say: "I guess I'm just too sensitive." *** Nudity has never been an issue for me - I'm Australian. It's more of a thing in America. I mean, people can buy guns, yet it's against the law to be topless on the beach. -- "supermodel" Elle Macpherson discusses the ramifications of her nude scene in the new film, _Sirens_ *** Don't tell me about God and guns. I've read the Bible. I know God didn't carry a gun and don't tell me it was ancient times and guns didn't exist. He was God. I think He could have invented one had He wanted to. -- Dennis Miller *** I don't know about you, but if it's true that our behavior in this life determines how we'll spend our next ones, I'm not looking forward to being reincarnated. The way I've conducted myself for the last few decades pretty much guarantees that I'll be spending my next several lifetimes as something just slightly less than human -- a box of Chiclets, for instance, or Howard Stern. -- Jeffery Kluger, editor, Discover Magazine, 3/1994 *** Date: Tue, 19 Apr 1994 11:36:04 PDT From: Cindy Parker Subject: How Much Are You Worth? And where else would this be taken from but... MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" Now, for a quiz... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hello there, you little bundle of guilt, shame, and self-aggrandizement. How you doing? Ever lie there in the dark late at night, unable to sleep [AFR, this means you], thinking to yourself, 'How much am I worth?' I mean true worth -- stripped down buck naked, without any famiy heirlooms, designer jeans, or personalized license plates to hide behind. Well, now you need wonder no longer. Now you can KNOW FOR SURE with this handy pocket test. Here you go: EYES EARS BRAIN +3 |_| Sparkly +0 |_| Adequate +1 |_| Average Joe -3 |_| Beady -2 |_| Too big -1 |_| Subaverage Joe -4 |_| Shifty -2 |_| Too small -5 |_| Bulgy -4 |_| Stick out UPPER LIP NOSE BREATH +1 |_| Stiff +0 |_| Adequate +1 |_| Minty -2 |_| Flappy -3 |_| Honker -2 |_| Putrid -5 |_| Object of -3 |_| Outlawed by Geneva derisive laughter convention POSTURE TEETH CHIN +0 |_| Broom up -ss +1 |_| Sparkly +2 |_| Sturdy -1 |_| Question mark -3 |_| Crooked -3 |_| Double -3 |_| Quasimodo -6 |_| Some missing -4 |_| Triple -5 |_| None MUSCLE TONE LAUGH BELLY[not the group] +1 |_| Tough-n-turgid +1 |_| Infectious; +3 |_| Hard as a rock +1 |_| Firm-n-flexible convivial -7 |_| Soft as a pillow -5 |_| Soft-n-squishy -3 |_| Moronic; -9 |_| Shakes like a hyena-like bowl full of -7 |_| Squealy; oinky jelly GENITALS HAIR[substituted for FUR] KNEES -2 |_| Too big +3 |_| Smooth and silky +2 |_| Normal -5 |_| Too small -2 |_| Greasy, matted, -2 |_| Wobbly -9 |_| Uncooperative dandruff-ridden -3 |_| Comes out in tufts STAMINA BOWELS TOES +2 |_| All the way +3 |_| Regular, dependable -5 |_| Weird -3 |_| Huff and puff -6 |_| Irregular, explosive -10 |_| Painted -5 |_| Hey wait up -9 |_| Does this item excite nails you? TATTOOS SECRET SHAMES HOBBIES -5 |_| "Mom" -6 |_| Smutty fantasies -5 |_| Guns -6 |_| "Dad" -15 |_| Herpes -3 |_| Watching -7 |_| "Born to Raise -9 |_| Poetic feelings for UFO's Hell" -4 |_| Childhood name was -5 |_| Writing -8 |_| "Born To Diet" "Bongobutt" screenplays -9 |_| Any asrological -7 |_| Don't understand sign this comic strip -10|_| Any misspelled ______________________________________ word | YOUR WORTH | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| |19+ Average plus, sweet dreams | SEXUAL ORIENTATION |11-18 Average, dull, bland | -5 |_| Hetero |5-10 Subaverage, dull, bland | -5 |_| Homo |0-4 Worthless, dull, bland | -5 |_| Flip a coin |-0 You worm, you dog, you rabbit | |______________________________________| *** The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify... You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. 10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown *** Well a man said to God What's a million dollars to you? And God said A penny And a man said to God What's a million years to you? And God said A second Well, the man said to God Will you give me a penny? And God, he replied, Yes I will... ...In a second. *** Vow When the lover goes, the vow, though broken remains, that trace of eternity love brings down among us says, to give dignity to the suffering and to intensify it. -- Galway Kinnell *** Today's quote is from Peter Washington's book _FRAUD: Literary Theory and the End of English_: Ominously for the future of [literary] theory, however, there are signs that even the French audience is wearying of one naughty _maitre 'a penser_ after another baring his bottom in public, and that the age of theoretical scandals is over. The whole business certainly has a curiously dated air, belonging to the 1960s and 1970s, together with pop festivals and self-consciously wild parties, at which appearance counted for more than reality. Those who grew up in that era may remember the feeling that somehow everyone but them was having a good time and knew what was going on - and theory is a bit like that, too. All the participants are inclined to predict the imminent arrival of a solution to all our theoretical problems - a solution which will come from somewhere else; but it never arrives. In the world of Radical Literary Theory everyone is "out of it" because there are no solutions: the euphoria is an illusion produced by constant reiteration of the problems. *** To Gary Hill, who I promised to mention in my will, I want to say, 'Hi Gary.' -- Lewis Grizzard, the late newspaper columnist and humorist, to an old college friend he promised to remember in his will." *** What I [M. Groening] Learned in School Please note that ALL posts I make from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" have the following bibliography: Groening, Matt. _The Big Book of Hell_. Pantheon Books (a division of Random House Books); New York, 1990. Also note that opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the contributor. Now with that out of the way, it's time for ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT I [HE] LEARNED IN SCHOOL 1ST GRADE - (Teacher speaking in all following quotes): "We're all going to put our heads on our desks until the nasty little boy who defecated in the urinal comes forward." 2ND GRADE - "You say your grandmother is from Russia? I'm very sorry to hear that. You know, they don't believe in God in Russia, and Christmas is against the law there." 3RD GRADE - "The class has been divided into three reading groups. The gold group and the silver group will stay here. The brown group will go to a special room in the basement." 4TH GRADE - "...And you'll stay in the garbage can until you can be a good citizen." 5TH GRADE - "Draw a small circle on the blackboard. Now stick your nose on it while the rest of the class goes out for recess." 6TH GRADE - "Thank you for writing 'I must be cheerful and obedient' 500 times. Now watch while I slowly rip it up before your eyes." 7TH GRADE - "O.K. Sex education. Um, is there anyone who doesn't know? Good. Next: dental hygiene." 8TH GRADE - "You little brats are laughing now -- but you won't be laughing when you get to high school, where there are gangs, drug-pushers, and negroes." 9TH GRADE - "Perhaps this flunking grade will steer you in the right direction." 10TH GRADE - "So you think marching in the hippy-trippy peace demonstration is more important than school, eh? Then I guess this "F" won't matter much." 11TH GRADE - "I'm afraid that insolent remark about our President will go on your permanent record, young man." 12TH GRADE - "If you think you can get through life drawing silly cartoons, you've got another think coming." 1ST YEAR COLLEGE - "Mr. Gru-nik, I'm getting bad vibes from you. The rest of the class groks [sic] what is going on -- why can't you?" 2ND YEAR COLLEGE - "The sooner you all face up to the fact that you are lazy, untalented losers, unfit to kiss the feet of a genius like Friedrich Nietzsche, the better off you'll all be." 3RD YEAR COLLEGE - "Listen, I'll give you full credit as long as you don't come around and bother me anymore." FINAL YEAR COLLEGE - "You do what you do tolerably well, Mr. Gro-nig. Now you must ask yourself: is it worth doing?" *** Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. -- Jack Handey *** Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. -- Jack Handey *** A Parents' Guide to Teenage Crime and Punishment from The Big Book of Hell, by Matt Groening. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CRIME |THE RESPONSE |THE PUNISHMENT | THE RESULT --------------|-----------------|--------------------|---------------- Some smart*ss |Icy stare. Fork |Silent treatment. |Kid will move remark at |pointed in kid's |Barely perceptible |out at 18, get a dinner |direction. "Shut |shaking of head |job in computer |up, you." |whenever kid speaks.|programming, be | | |married, | | |miserable, and | | |divorced by 23. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caught shop- |Slow shaking of |No allowance 2 mos. |Kid will go to lifting down |head in disgust. |Grounded 1 month. |community at the mall. |"So you're a |Reproachful looks |college, drop |slimy little |from now on. |out after 2 1/2 |thief. I hope | |semesters, go to |you're proud of | |work for Dad's |yourself." | |business. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Insolent hair |Snorts of dis- |Confiscate clothing.|Kid will shape and clothing. |belief. "You're |Continuous |up upon grad- |not leaving this |belittling. Ship |uation, join |house 'til you |kid off to military |army, wound self |look decent." |school. |on patrol in | | |Central America. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Heavy petting |"Just what in |Kid's date banished.|Kid will run or worse with |God's name is |Early curfew. |away at 16, some squinty |going on around |Compulsory church |hitchhike to little creep |here?" |attendance. |next state, get in the base- | | |a job in tire ment rec room.| | |warehouse, | | |settle down by | | |18. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Secret |Flaring nostrils.|Early curfew. |Kid will be inspection of |Huffing and |Grounded 1 month. |married by 19, 2 bedroom |puffing. Sputter-|Continued secret |kids by 21, 3 reveals birth |ing. Maybe knock |inspections of bed- |kids by 23, control pills |the kid around a |room. Glowering |completely de- or devices. |bit. |looks. |moralized by 25. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Pregnant. |"How the HELL did|Kick kid out of |Baby will be |you get |house. |aborted or given |pregnant?" | |up for adoption, | | |kid will move | | |across country | | |and never speak | | |to you again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Home after |"If there's ONE |No borrowing Dad's |Kid will go to curfew. Beer |scratch on my |car 2 months. Early |college, join on breath. |car, you're going|curfew. Baleful |fraternity or |to wish you were |looks. |sorority, meet |never born." | |future spouse, | | |get married, end | | |up just like | | |you. *** Date: Fri, 22 Apr 1994 11:37:27 PDT From: Cindy Parker Your Childhood Trauma Checklist FROM MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" WARNING: this post may drudge up memories you may not wish to recall, so read ahead at your own risk. It's kind of sad when you realize how scary being a kid is. I for one can check off 50 of these things; no lie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The difference between "a trauma" and "no big deal": A trauma is when it happens to me. No big deal is when it happens to you. |_| Death of a parent |_| Death of a brother/sister |_| Death of a best friend |_| Death of an imaginary playmate |_| Death of Santa Claus |_| Divorce of parents |_| Moving to a new city |_| Remarriage of parent |_| Evil stepparent |_| Kicked out of house before 18 years of age |_| Dad blows all the money on the lottery |_| Parent on a diet |_| Parent attempting to quit smoking |_| Refrigerator full of yogurt |_| Having a dorky name |_| Realizing you're not the favorite child |_| First confrontation with a clown |_| Punished for telling the truth |_| Toilet overflowing |_| Forced to kiss warty old relatives |_| Forced to wear hand-me-downs |_| Forced to perform in front of parents' friends |_| Being put to bed when not sleepy |_| Parents driving too slowly |_| Receiving underwear for your birthday |_| Scratchy new sweater |_| Boring vacation |_| Being family scapegoat |_| Mom reading your secret diary |_| Throwing up at school |_| Insufferable brother |_| Insufferable sister |_| Being told to say "thank you" for the 10,000th time |_| Being told to clean your room for the 10,000th time |_| Cleaning your room |_| Republican parents |_| Forced to wear totally stupid clothes |_| Favorite TV show cancelled |_| Dreaming about having no clothes at school |_| Cleaning out cat box |_| Parents calling you embarrassing nickname in front of friends |_| Wetting your pants at school |_| Being tattled on |_| Tattling on someone and having it backfire |_| Forced to eat spinach |_| Forced to eat brocolli |_| Parents threatening to send you to military school |_| Military school |_| Summer school |_| School |_| Sunday school |_| Dancing school |_| Early bedtime strictly enforced |_| Not getting dessert because you didn't eat your vegetables |_| Grounded |_| Allowance cut off |_| Being told not to eat so fast |_| Being told not to chew with your mouth open |_| Being told to sit up straight |_| Homework |_| Socks as presents |_| Handkerchief for birthday |_| Parents telling you what you will be when you grow up |_| Listening to parents fight in the next room |_| Listening to parents fight in the same room |_| Being hit ny a parent |_| Being kicked by a parent |_| Slapped by a parent |_| Spanked by a parent |_| Beaten by a parent |_| Burned by a parent |_| Locked in closet |_| Tortured |_| Sexually molested |_| Getting lost |_| Being called "bad" |_| Being called "lazy" |_| Being called "selfish" |_| Making your mom cry |_| Meeting another kid with your name |_| Being told "you're just not trying" |_| Being forced to apologize when you don't mean it |_| Not being allowed to go to a slumber party |_| Being told "I know you could do better" |_| First time seeing dead dog in the road |_| First starving child seen on TV |_| First assassination seen on TV |_| First realization that death is permanent |_| First realization that death is inevitable |_| First realization that applies to you too |_| First ghost seen |_| Being treated like a baby in front of friends |_| Being chosen last for the team |_| Not being invited to a birthday party |_| First bee sting |_| First booster shot |_| Being forbidden to play with bad kids |_| Fear of dogs |_| Fear of vampires |_| Fear of robots |_| Fear of aliens |_| Fear of sharks |_| Fear of monsters |_| Fear of bears |_| Fear of lions |_| Fear of psychopaths |_| Fear of nuclear war |_| Fear of Dad |_| Caught shoplifting |_| Being told "you ought to be ashamed of yourself" |_| _____________ [fill in the blank] |_| Ongoing nameless dread *** To do something well is so worthwhile that to die trying to do it better cannot be foolhardy. It would be a waste of life to do nothing with one's ability, for I feel that life is measured in achievements, not in years alone. -- Bruce McLaren, 1937-1970 *** The was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22, and let out a respectful whistle. -- Joseph Heller, Catch 22 *** She wore her yellow sun-bonnet, She wore her greenest gown; She turned to the South Wind And curtsied up and down. She turned to the sunlight And shook her yellow head, And whispered to her neighbor: "Winter is dead." Allen Alexander Milne, from "When We Were Very Young" (Accompanied by a drawing of a small patch of daffodils atop a hill, by Ernest Shephard, of course.) *** MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 2 cups water 2 cups sugar 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine Cinnamon Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box *** To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task. Westheimer's rule (from "The Art of Computer Systems Performance Analysis" by R. Jain) *** There is no such thing as a nonpolitical speech by a politician. -- Richard M. Nixon, speech in New York City, Sep 14, 1955 *** In Paul's Room by John Ciardi This is Paul whose habits are all he has to die of. He has survived a shooting war, an auto wreck, two wives, and three collapses into Bellevue. Tell me, bottle, tell me true: do you drink him? does he drink you? When Paul has seen his final Thing, twitched his final twitch, and lies very dead, what radiant wing will descend out of the skies to the told still of his brain that his rotted soul again stretch and lift? When Paul has lain in statistics and a sigh, tell me bottle, tell me true, will you lift his soul on high for all those years he lifted you? Paul in here but Paul is dead. There is no one in his head. All that was Paul has been shed. I remember, you do not, what was Paul a thirst ago. How do good men go to rot? Is that something I could know? If I drank you for a clue, tell me, bottle, tell me true: could I taste the Paul in you? *** THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY... If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground? Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them. And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device. One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis? I offer a modest proposal: We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force. *** For I do not believe that the stars are spread over a spherical surface at equal distances from one center; I suppose their distances from us to vary so much that some are 2 or 3 times as remote as others. -- Galileo *** A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she. "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said with a pout, "To hear my character lied about!" -- Gopete Sherany *** There is some god which protects Americans from conspirators by also making them fools. -- commentator Daniel Schorr of National Public Radio, on the late Richard Nixon (McCarthy era Red-baiter, Watergate era criminal, former U.S. President) *** Our speaker was a really funny guy who works here... He wanted to tell us a little story, then stopped himself & said, "Does anybody know the difference between a story told in NC and a story told in TX? All stories told in NC start out like, 'Once upon a time...' All stories told in TX start out like, "[holds his head, sighing...] You sumbitches ain't gonna believe this...'." *** Barsamian: Is there an inner resource that you call upon when you're feeling despair? Chomsky: Well, you know, it's mainly a matter of whether you can look yourself in the mirror, I think. -- American linguist and dissident Noam Chomsky, explaining to interviewer David Barsamian what sustains his political action. *** You ought to be able to bother people wherever they are, via the Internet. And it's probably just this sort of attitude that makes Western technology seem frivolous and pointless to non-Western thought. Why in the world should you be able to bother people wherever they are? Why should people even agree to wear pagers so they can be bothered? And for heaven's sake, why should anyone want to use the Internet to further this senseless scheme? Because they can, that's why. -- Michael O'Brien, "Ask Mr. Protocol", SunExpert magazine, March 1994 *** In bidding a last farewell to a subject in which I never took more than a languid interest, I may be permitted to say that in England, at all events, every man will accent his [ancient] Greek properly who wishes to stand well with the world. He whose accents are irreproachable may indeed be no better than a heathen, but concerning that man who misplaces them, or, worse still, altogether omits them, damaging inferences will certainly be drawn, and in most instances with justice. -- Henry Chandler, preface to the second edition, _A Practical Guide to Greek Accentuation_ (Oxford: 1881) *** We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were. -- Mort Sahl *** "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. -- Lewis Carrol *** New York, New York: An international effort to crack a tough mathematical problem has succeeded, researchers said yesterday. The problem has stood out as a challenge to computer scientists for 17 years because it was linked to a popular coding system and was said to be proof of the system's security. The problem was to factor a 129-digit number, breaking it into its component parts the way a molecule is broken into atoms. This particular number was suggested 17 years ago by the inventors of a coding system that was said to be provably secure because to break it a person would have to factor a very large number. To show how hard it was, the inventors of the coding system published the 129 digit number, encoded a message with it, and challenged people to break the code and read the message. They predicted it would take 40 quadrillion years to factor it with the methods of the time and that no one would be able to break the code until well into the next century. The number was known as R.S.A. 129, after the coding system's inventors. They offered $100 to anyone who could factor the number. Dr. Arjen Lenstra, a computer scientist at Bellcore in Morristown, NJ, said it took 100 quadrillion calculations, contributed by more than 600 Internet volunteers, to factor the number. Derek Atkins, a graduate student at MIT, collected the calculations, checked them and passed them on to Dr. Lenstra. Lenstra used a Bellcore computer with 16,000 processors to churn out the factors of R.S.A. 129. The answer, the group said, is this: 114,381,625,757,888,867,669,235,779,976,146,612,010,218, 296,721,242,362,562,561,842,935,245,733,897,830,597,123, 563,958,705,058,989,075,147,599,290,026,879,543,541 = 3,490,529,510,847,650,949,147,849,619,903,898,133,417,76 4,638,493,387,843,990,820,577 X 32,769,132,993,266,709,549,961,988,190,834,461,413,177,6 42,967,992,942,539,798,288,533. The encoded message says: "The magic words are squeamish ossifrage." Mr. Atkins said that the group is donating the $100 reward to the Free Software Foundation, a group that distributes free computer programs. *** It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed, The hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning, It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. *** Irving Kristol's first law of educational reform: Any reform that is acceptable to the educational establishment, and that can gain a majority in a legislature, federal or state, is bound to be worse than nothing. *** From the television show "Frasier," a dialogue between Frasier and Niles, brothers and fellow psychiatrists: Frasier: I hate lawyers. Niles: I do too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better. *** Oreo needs to know. Are you a twister, a dunker, a ski-jumper tosser, or an accelerated-gratification type who pops the whole sandwich cookies in his mouth and -- occasionally -- chews before swallowing? Nabisco marketing gurus have set up a national toll- free number to find out. The number, of course, is (800)EAT-OREO (328-6736). An electronic narrator asks callers to press 1 if they twist apart their Oreos before eating them, 2 if they dunk them in milk, 3 if they nibble, and 4 if they want 20 seconds to explain their own creative ways of doing it. Every hundredth caller gets a prize pack, including lots of cookies, but don't call back from the same number twice or they'll catch on to you. City-by-city results of the eight-week survey will be tabulated after it ends May 15. The company hopes it will help it find ways to sell more cookies. Ann Smith, spokeswoman for Nabisco, has listened to about an hour of the 20-second creative responses. "From what I understand, children like to mash," Smith says. "They crush their Oreos with their hands and eat all the pieces, or they put them in bowls and mash them and put milk on top, and eat it all with a spoon. Some make Oreo mudpies, with a little milk, a lot of mushed- up Oreos, a lot of fingers and a couple of Handi-wipes. But her favorite came from a grown-up -- he likes to roll a cookie on its edge down his forehead, ski-jump it off his nose and catch it in his mouth. If it drops to the floor he can't eat it. That's his rule, she said. Nabisco also has other facts that you may really need to know: Each Oreo takes 1 1/2 hours to make. 47 million pounds of filling is used each year. If all the Oreos sold since their invention in 1912 were stacked on top of each other, they would be as high as 9.8 million Sears Towers. *** Date: Wed, 27 Apr 1994 14:54:57 PDT From: Cindy Parker Subject: Birth Control It's been a few days since the last installment from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL", and being as how a friend of mine recently told me of a friend of *his* that just got a vasectomy (!!!), I thought this little ditty was rather apropos. As usual, the opinions expressed in this post are not necessarily those of the contributor. And now I give you (or rather, Matt Groening gives you): YOUNGFOLKS' GUIDE TO LAST MINUTE BIRTH CONTROL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CONTRACEPTIVE| A.K.A. |ADVANTAGES| DRAWBACKS |ROMANCE |POSSIBLE | | | |FACTOR |RESULTS ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Father's |Daddy's | Free |May be old |Very | Baby condoms |rubbers | |and |little | | | |unreliable | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Saran Wrap |Doin' it|Easy to |Sandwiched-|Very | Baby |lunch- |use; |in feeling |very | |style |"clingy" | |little | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Party |Rubbers |Colorful, |Hard to |None | Baby Balloons |from |festive |put on | | |Hell | | | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Coitus |Thrills |Action- |Exasperation|Not a lot| Baby Interruptus | 'N' |packed, |frustration | | |Spills |traditional|perspiration| | | | |desperation | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Coitus |Whoops, |Action- |Slow sinking| A tad | Baby Almostus |oops, |packed, |feeling | | Interruptus |uh-oh |traditional| | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Coitus Mommus| YOW! | None |Parental |Less than| Baby and Daddus | | |berserkness |none | Are Comingus | | | | | Homeus | | | | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Prayer |Fate, |Free |Unreliable |Lots | Baby |lady luck,| | | | |hoodoo | | | | ______________________________________________________________________ *** Early one morning, late one night, Two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard this noise, Came and killed those two dead boys. Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, Cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants. Here I stand before you, just behind you, To tell you something I know nothing about. Next Thursday, which is Good Friday, There will be a Mother's Day meeting for fathers only. Admission is free, pay at the door, Bring your seats and sit on the floor. Way down south where bananas grow, A flea jumped on an elephant's toe. The elephant cried with tears in his eyes, "Why don't you pick on a fellow your size." A horse and flea and two blind mice, Sat on the curb side, shooting dice. The horse slipped and fell on the flea, "Help," screamed the flea. "There's a horse on me!" I took myself to the picture show. I sat myself on the very first row. I put my arms around my waist, and got so fresh that I slapped my face. Starkle, starkle little twink, How the heck I are you think. I'm not under the accafluence of inkihol like some thinkle peep I are. *** My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when of its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. Now I have a full-time job, To find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave. For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave. As old-age approaches, It sure gives me the blues, To see it hang its withered head, And watch me tie my shoes. *** THE RULES (*) For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship. 1. The female always makes the rules. 2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. 3. No male can possibly know all the rules. 4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules. 5. The female is never wrong. 6. If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong. 7. If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time. 9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset. 13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm. 14. The female always gets the last word! (*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. *** Dogs and Foxes by John Ciardi A dog with a tin can tied to its tail is no philosopher but could yet, if only in longest time to never quite, be learning there are more attachments to love than ever puppies reckon when they take their first God by mistake, wriggling--oh don't they wriggle! --their tails, rumps, legs, and everything to lick the manhand, Love, that anytime becomes the hand that ties. Poor dim parishioners of no church at all! I don't much care for love that sells itself to tameness, crawling back to lick the hand that did it. Yes, dogs and boys make out their two parts of one damp valentine, but a man needs to see wild things running, sure of their fear of the manscent, the scar it makes on the first air of creatures, keeping themselves themselves, wary and fast. A fox, I think, is a dog that learned about mankind and lived. *** Date: Wed, 4 May 1994 13:05:37 PDT From: Cindy Parker Subject: So You Want to be an Unrecognized Genius Yes folks, it's time for another installment from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT KIND OF GENIUS ARE YOU? Consult this handy career-guidance chart IF YOU LIKE | BUT YOU DON'T LIKE | THEN YOU CAN BECOME ---------------------------------------------------------------------- images | security, well-being, | a powerful painter | jollity | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- sounds | comfort, dream vacations, | a unique composer | fun | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- words | friends, money, | a delicate poet | being understood | ______________________________________________________________________ THINGS TO HATE 1. Mom 6. TV 2. Dad 7. Rich people 3. God 8. Your boss 4. Foreigners 9. Your friends 5. High school 10. Humor a) the teachers b) the phonies c) the prom DON'T FORGET YOUR SECRET PROJECT!! 1. Make plenty of notes 5. Draw a diagram 2. Ruminate 6. Ruminate some more 3. Take a nap 7. Don't show your work 4. Make a list to anyone until it's finished **Note to authors**: For best results, type your manuscripts single-spaced with no margins using an old typewriter ribbon. Use lots of underlining and exclamation points, and don't forget those all-important smudges and coffee stains that show the consuming intensity of your inner torment. WHAT TO TALK TO YOURSELF ABOUT |_| Bizarre conspiracy |_| How the world can go to Hell for |_| Lower back pain all you care |_| How stupid everyone is |_| What you're going to do when you get a million dollars WHAT THE WELL-DRESSED GENIUS IS WEARING Generally, fashions and hairstyles that were popular approximately a decade ago. THINGS TO DO TODAY |_| Glare at shoppers in the grocery store |_| Write a frothing letter to the editor |_| Mumble menacingly under one's breath at the laundromat |_| Walk out of the art gallery opening in a huff |_| Masturbate gloomily THE MANY MOODS OF THE GIFTED VISIONARY *irked *vexed *crabbed *perturbed *glum *surly *snappy *peevish *grumpy *sullen *sulky *sour *deadly PRACTICE YOUR AUTOGRAPH for your impending day of fame RAINY-DAY GENIUS FUN PROJECT Deface photographs of models and celebrities in magazines. THE SECRET MOTTO OF THE SECRET GENIUS (tattooed on -ss) Live slow Die in late middle age Leave an arterio-sclerotic corpse *** We drink and we sing and we drink and we sing, HEY! We drink and we drive and we puke and we drink,HEY! We drink and we fight and we bleed and we cry, HEY! We puke and we smoke and we drink and we die. HEY! -- Denis Leary: Traditional Irish Folk Song *** The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. *** One thing is for certain -- the tag lines for this man's movies aren't difficult to remember. "Steven Seagal is ABOVE THE LAW." "Steven Seagal is MARKED FOR DEATH." "Steven Seagal is HARD TO KILL." "Steven Seagal is OUT FOR JUSTICE." "Steven Seagal is UNDER SIEGE." "Steven Seagal is ON DEADLY GROUND." How about this for his next film: "Steven Seagal is UNABLE TO ACT." -- Opening line, James Berardinelli's rec.arts.movie.reviews take on Seagal's "ON DEADLY GROUND," February, 1994. *** We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace, and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us; and we have vainly imagined, in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own. Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us! It behooves us, then to humble ourselves before the offended Power, to confess our national sins, and to pray for clemency and forgiveness. -- Abraham Lincoln's Proclamation for a National Day of Fasting, Humiliation and Prayer, April 30, 1863 *** Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoidance of danger is not safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. -- Helen Keller, 1902 *** As I was installing Windows 3.1 on my computer at work, I noticed the following instructions on the package containing the diskettes: "Carefully read the License Agreement inside before opening this pack! "The program on the enclosed disk(s) is licensed to the user. By opening this packet you indicate your acceptance of the License Agreement. " Anyone have any advice as to how I might follow these instructions? *** Lesley Visser--So, Coach Knight, how did you beat Temple today? The General--Well, Lesley, we scored more points than they did. Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight in yet another tussle with the media following his team's win over Temple University. (Knight is a former Marine, I believe, (which may be why he's nicknamed "The General") can be extremely gruff (the latest flap involving him is when he "accidentally" head-butted one of his players; he's also thrown chairs onto the basketball floor). He has never gotten along with the media. He's convinced they're all morons.) *** "THE VERY BIG STUPID is a thing which breeds by eating The Future. Have you seen it? It sometimes disguises itself as a good-looking quarterly bottom line, derived by closing the R&D Department." -- Frank Zappa, "The Real Frank Zappa", 1989 *** If you wait until you can do everything for everybody, instead of something for somebody, you'll end up not doing anything for anybody. -- Malcolm Bane *** The video stores of old, with their fly-by-night plywood shelving and curtained-off porno nooks, have given way to the standardized, sterile, "family-oriented" Blockbusters, which don't even carry X-rated movies and whose youthful, well-groomed clerks resemble Mormon babysitters. [...] But for me what rankles most about Blockbuster is its nitwit name, with its gleefully commercial sug- gestion that size equals quality. (Imagine a chain of bookstores called Best-seller or a chain of record stores called Hits!) I don't recall when, exactly, but some time in the past ten years the entertainment industry convinced the public that what was economically good for Hollywood was good for the country and that the meaning of popular culture was "Whatever"s popular in culture." -- Walter Kirn, "Invasion of the Movie Snatchers (the Block- buster Video chain goes to the extremes of safety and pre- dictability." from the 8/93 issue of Mirabella *** You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. -- participant Duane An excerpt from the proceedings of Nomic, an experiment in participatory democracy occuring via listserv in Melbourne. (to become involved, write to listserv@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au with a line of the form SUB NOMIC NEWPLAYER as the first line in the message. You don't have to be subscribed to the listserv to play though.) *** Men always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give them what they want and they'll defeat themselves. Today you've got endless women in their 20s and 30s who don't know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be secretary of state. -- actor Jack Nicholson, sharing his analysis of the "battle between the sexes" *** Cigarette smoking is not addictive. -- William Campbell, president of leading cancerstick manufacturer Philip Morris U.S.A., testifying (lying?) recently before a U.S. Congressional health subcommittee (and incidentally demonstrating why corporate buttheads are not held up as paragons of moral virtue.) *** The dignity we seek in dying is not to be found in our final weeks, days or moments but in the way we live and how we are seen by those people whose lives we affect. -- Dr. Sherwin Nuland *** Let's face it. Roseanne needs to go face-to-face with a psychiatrist. -- Warren Littlefield, NBC Entertainment president, on his network's decision to pit Frasier (the hilarious radio-shrink sitcom) against the often unstable Roseanne Arnold's ABC show, Roseanne, next fall. *** I admit to being ambivalent about the name "Newton". It reminds me of the stories you eventually hear about old Isaac, particularly the less pleasant ones you generally encounter later in your education. The ones about his extreme misogyny, or the one about his loudly proclaiming on his death bed that he was glad to be dying a virgin. I think the phrase "dying a virgin" would be enough to stop the entire targeted audience of the Newton from buying one. -- Garret Toomey, on physicist Isaac Newton and his nakesake, Apple's latest computer. *** "The job market for Graduate students with new doctorates in philosophy, English and modern languages is the worst it has been in decades, say new PhDs and their mentors who have been scouring the academic landscape. "In many other areas of the humanities and sciences, including mathe- matics and history, the situation is only slightly better. The best that can be said is that job prospects are no worse than in dismal 1993. "After as many as eight years of graduate work in which some have accumulated substantial debt, many students are enduring long job searches that end in unemployment or underemployment. Few expected the search to be easy, but most had banked on predictions of the late 1980s that there would be a faculty shortage in the mid to late 1990s. It never materialized." -- Alice Dembner, _The Boston Globe_, 06/05/94 *** The Retreat from Flanders WE SHALL DEFEND OUR ISLAND WHATEVER THE COST by WINSTON CHURCHILL, Prime Minister of Great Britain Before the House of Commons, June 4, 1940 We shall not flag nor fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France and on the seas and oceans; we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air. We shall defend our island whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. We shall never surrender and even if, which I do not for the moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, will carry on the struggle until in God's good time the New World with all its power and might, sets forth to the liberation and rescue of the Old. *** "Only an individual or a small group of people can grasp and keep sight of the overall aims of a major project. Most people must spend so much of their time on sub-projects, technical details, or day-to-day administration that the overall design aims are easily forgotten or subordinated to more local and immediate goals. It is a recipe for failure not to have an individual or group with the explicit task of maintaining the integrity of the design. It is a recipe for failure not to enable such an individual or group to have an effect on the project as a whole. Lack of a consistent long-term aim is much more damaging to a project and an organization than the lack of any individual feature. It should be the job of some small number of individuals to formulate such an overall aim, to keep that aim in mind, to write the key overall design documents, to write the introductions to the key concepts, and generally to help others to keep the overall aim in mind." -- Bjarne Stroustrup *** Adventures of Ford Fairlane, The Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. Write down my number: 555-6321 Got it? Twin Club Girl: Yeah. Wait a minute! 555 is not a real number! They only use that in the movies! Ford Fairlane: No shit, honey. What do you think this is? Real life? Ford Fairlane: You're 10 seconds away from the most embarrassing moment in your life! Ford Fairlane: So many assholes... So few bullets... Lt. Amos: You think you are so hot 'cos you get in all the clubs, heh? Just because you have sex with great looking women... Ford Fairlane: You got to admit those are pretty good reasons... Ford Fairlane: Johnny was the only guy who could out-disgust me. When we were kids we had gross-out contests. I'd cough a pile of phlegm on a table, he said "Nice try!" and pulled out a straw... Jazz: Well, that weekend was a mistake! Ford Fairlane: Hey, look. I'm sorry I made you clean the toilets and the bathtubs, I mean, who did all the work in bed? Lt. Amos: I can't believe anybody can have so much fucking fun in a funeral, Fairlane. Lt. Amos: See, that's the difference between a great investigator like me, and a piece of spam like you. Ford Fairlane: Spam? You're a piece of spam. That's what I think of you. Lt. Amos: No, I call you a piece of spam, 'cos that's what you are. Ford Fairlane: Spam! [At the "sisters'" house, surrounded by all the semi-nude women] Ford Fairlane: hibb.. hibbdy.. Maybe I did die in the explosion, you know. *** You still don't know what you're dealing with do you? Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility... I admire its purity, a survivor; unclouded by conscience, remorse or delusions of morality. -- Alien *** Edwina Cutwater: Guess what I'm going to do? Roger Cobb: What? Edwina Cutwater: I'm going to come back from the dead. Roger Cobb: Aaahhhh. And what makes you think you can do that? Edwina Cutwater: Because I'm rich... -- All of Me *** [Upon getting the powered glove in place of his right hand] Ash: Groovy. [In a passionate moment of romance] Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby. Ash: Don't touch that please, you primitive intellect wouldn't understand things with alloys and compositions and things with ... molecular structures. Demon Lady: I'll swallow your soul! Ash: Come get some. Village Resident: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts? Ash: Nope. Just me baby... Just me. Ash: Klaatu Verata Nicto Wise man: Again Ash: Klaatu Verata Nicto Wise man: Again Ash: Look, I know your damn words! Ash: Klaatu Verata N... N... It's definitely an "N" word! [The girl wants to apologize to Ash] Ash: First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow. [When the witch comes at the end] Ash: Yo, she-bitch! [cocks shotgun] Let's go! [After defeating Bad Ash] Ash: Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun. Ash: Shop smart, shop S-mart! [Last line] Ash: Hail to the king, baby. -- Army of Darkness *** I've seen things you wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die. -- Blade Runner *** Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, and why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood against many. Valor pleases you, so grant me this one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, the HELL with you! -- Conan the Barbarian *** Dekanus: This university will no longer continue any funding of any kind for your group's activities. Doctor Peter Venkman: But the kids love us! Dana Barrett: That's the bedroom, but nothing ever happened in there. Doctor Peter Venkman: What a crime. [Doctor Peter Venkman is opening the refrigerator door to look for ghosts] Doctor Peter Venkman: Oh my God! Look at all the junk food. Janine Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astralprojections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoiance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full transmedium, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis? Winston Zeddmore: Ah, if there is a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe anything you tell me. [The Gate Keeper, possessing Dana Barrett's body] The Gate Keeper: Do you want this body? Doctor Peter Venkman: Is this a trick question? Winston Zeddmore: Do you believe in God? Doctor Raymond Stantz: Never met him. Doctor Peter Venkman: When someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes! -- Ghostbusters *** Ian Malcolm: God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs... Dr. Ellie Sattler: Dinosaurs destroys man. Women rule the earth... -- Jurassic Park *** Man at the office: You know, Roger, you are way behind the times. The guys of the 80s aren't though. They are sensitive people. Show a little emotion to a woman and shit like that. I think I'm an 80's... Roger Murtaugh: How do you figure? Man at the office: Last night I cried in bed. So how is that? Roger Murtaugh: Were you with a woman? Man at the office: I was alone. Why do you think I cried? Roger Murtaugh: Sounds like an 80's man to me... [Repeated line all the way] Roger Murtaugh: I'm too old for this shit! Roger Murtaugh: God hates me, that's what it is... Martin Riggs: Hate him back! It works for me... Roger Murtaugh: Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill? Martin Riggs: I haven't killed you, have I? -- Lethal Weapon *** There are two kinds of people - those who don't do what they want to do so they write down in a diary about what they haven't done and those who are too busy to write about it 'cause they're out doing it! -- The More the Merrier *** [Vincent Antonelli is questioned about the stolen goods in the trunk of the car he stole] Hannah Stubbs: The books... Vincent Antonelli: You have something against books? Hannah Stubbs: I have nothing about books! I am curious about the books in your trunk. Vincent Antonelli: You see, I was thinking of writing my story, so I bought this one on how to do it. Hannah Stubbs: Why do you need 25 copies of it? Vincent Antonelli: In case I want to read it more than once... Vincent Antonelli: Richie loved to use 22s because the bullets are small and they don't come out the other end like a 45, see, a 45 will blow a barn door out the back of your head and there's a lot of dry cleaning involved, but a 22 will just rattle around like pac man until you're dead. -- My Blue Heaven *** [The Grandson, interrupting the story in a kissing-scene] The Grandson: Hold it, hold it! What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a kissing-book??? Vizzini: A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby? Buttercup: There is nothing nearby... Not for miles. Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you scream! Inigo Montoya: That Vizzini, he can *fuss*. Fezzik: Fuss, fuss... I think he like to scream at *us*. Inigo Montoya: Probably he means no *harm*. Fezzik: He's really very short on *charm*. Inigo Montoya: You have a great gift for rhyme. Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time. Vizzini: Enough of that! Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead? Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead! Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it! Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut? Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH!! [Vizzini has just cut the rope The Dread Pirate Roberts is climbing up] Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE! Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. Inigo Montoya: I donna suppose you coulda speed things up?? Westley: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do. Inigo Montoya: I could do that. I have some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only only waiting around to kill you. Westley: That does put a damper on our relationship. Inigo Montoya: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand? Westley: Do you always begin conversations this way? Inigo Montoya: You seem a decent fellow, I hate to kill you. Westley: You seem a decent fellow, I hate to die. Inigo Montoya: Who are you? Westley: No one of consequence. Inigo Montoya: I must know... Westley: Get used to disappointment. Vizzini: Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me... Buttercup: You mock my pain! Westley: Life is pain! Anyone who says different is trying to sell you something. Prince Humperdinc: Surrender! Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept... Westley: Give us the gate key. Count Rugen: I have no gate key. Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, tear his arms off. Count Rugen: Oh, you mean *this* gate key. Inigo Montoya: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. -- Princess Bride *** Old Lady: So what's Einstein really like? Hathaway: Dead. Knight: This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This is Kent. This is what happens to a man when he gets too sexually frustrated. [Mitch speaking through the microphone so that Kent hears voices in his head] Mitch: And from now on, stop playing with yourself! Kent: It is God! Mitch: I had this dream... Knight: Is it the one where you are standing on top of a pyramid surrounded by thousands of naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you? Mitch: No... Knight: Am I the only one who has that dream? Knight: If you think that by threatening me you can get me to do what you want... Well, that's where you're right. But -- and I am only saying that because I care -- there's a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that taste just like the real thing. -- Real Genius *** Emily Carson: Well, it's a nice night, and I have to walk Camille. Do you want to take a walk with me? Scott Turner: No. No. Well, you see, I'm starting to like you, and if we're going to walk I'm just going to like you even more, and then one day we might even end up in love and everything will go on fine for a while, but-but then one day *bang* you're gonna call me a selfish compulsive bachelor. You gonna pull your hair, you gonna scream and you gonna say you never want to see me again because I drive you crazy, and I'm a lousy shot. Now, who needs that? Good night. -- Turner and Hooch *** Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen! George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really! Just BASH my head right in! Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks. Bob: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station. George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day. [In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial] Sy Greenblum: Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company. Stanley Spadowski: George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know ...hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming ...aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up? Bob: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind? Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead... Do you mind, George? [See _The Treasure of the Sierra Madre_ (qv)] Raul Hernandez: Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers! R.J. Fletcher: This is an embarrassment. A disgrace. What do you think R.J. Fletcher Senior would be saying if he were alive today? Richard Fletcher: "Help me out of this box, I can't breathe in here!" Stanley Spadowski: George? What's the matter? George Newman: Stanley, you don't want to know. Stanley Spadowski: Huh? Why did I ask? -- UHF *** Honey Hornee: So, would you like to have dinner one night? Garth Algar: Oh, I like to have dinner every night. Honey Hornee: I bet you like to be in control... Garth Algar: Yes, like when I was 17, my sister wanted to loan my Def Leppard. I said "No way!" [Instead of saying "excuse me, I beg your pardon?"] Wayne Campbell: Exsqueeze me? A baking-powder? -- Wayne's World II *** Under a blood-red sky A crowd has gathered in black and white Arms entwined, the chosen few, Newspapers say, it says it's true it's true. And we can break through, Though torn in two we can be one. -- U2 *** Oh please, Frasier, I need you to help me write this; all my life I have wanted to walk into the library, go to the card catalog, and look myself up under "Mental Illness." -- Niles to Frasier, on being forced to pitch a book on sibling rivalry by sibling psychiatirists *** I explained that if you put 5 volts into it, you'll get 0 volts out, and if you put 0 volts into it you'll get 5 volts out. To this, one person replied: "Wouldn't that thing be awfully useful during a power failure?" *** Pet Theory: With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you take him for walks and he thinks, "Wow, this guy must be a god. With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him and he thinks, "Wow, I must be a god." *** Wife: Would you die for me? Husband: Mine is an undying love. *** Newsgroups: talk.politics.mideast Subject: Re: talk.politics.mideast charter? >In article <2gb9k3$omo@scunix2.harvard.eduChristopher Stone writes: >[CS] Would someone please e-mail me the charter to talk.politics.mideast? 1) If you are a Jew, pick an Arab on the net and flame him. 2) If you are an Arab, pick a Jew on the net and flame him. 3) If you are neither an Arab nor a Jew, flame whoever you want. 4) Never make sense when talking Middle Eastern Politics, becasue you cannot get flamed. 5) Always try to make yourself look like some politico-religious fanatic otherwise you will not get flamed. 6) Re-invent history whenever possible. *** I don't think anyone's ever going to accept me in a comedy -- ever, ever, ever. I'm a commodity. If you go into the store and grab a can of Stallone, you open it up and see Steve Martin -- you don't want that. -- Sylvester Stallone *** The Latin poet M.V.Marziale, when somebody asked to him: "Why don't you read to me your poems?" used to answer: "Because I don't want to listen to yours." *** Rush Limbaugh quotes: "There was war. Cold war. (Reagan) faked them out! And in the process, we faked out our own Congress and we did it! It's okay to lie to Congress because they lie to us." "What's the big deal? He's (Senator Packwood) clumsy with women." "Environmentalists want forests to stay so they can grow pot without detection." *** "Each day before I get out of bed, I try to dress myself in the full Armor of God. I say, 'O.K., I want to be fully prepared for spiritual battle. I'm putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I'm putting on the Breastplate of Righteousness, and I'm confessing all of my sins, anything that might stand between me and God. I'm putting on the Shield of Faith to ward off the fiery darts of the Devil. I'm girding my loins with the Belt of Truth, and I'm shoeing my feet in the Gospel of Peace.' Finally, I take as my offensive weapon, my sword, the Bible, and I go forward, fully dressed in the Armor of God.". (yeah, but he forgot his umbrella) -- Joe Gibbs, football analyst for NBC Sports (former Washington Redskins coach). In Life magazine, "Why We Pray", p. 57, March 1994. *** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TYPE OF |THEIR |YOUR |THEIR |YOUR |FINAL FIGHT |TACTICS |TACTICS |COUNTER- |COUNTER- |OUTCOME | | |TACTICS |TACTICS | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Your |"You're not |Pretend |"HEY!! |"But it's |You wash chores |going any- |you |Where do |not my |the dishes, |where till |didn't |you think |turn! I |but don't |you wash |hear. |YOU'RE |washed 'em |get all the |the dishes."| |going?" |yesterday!"|crusty stuff | | | | |off the | | | | |cooking pot. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- You're |"That does |"But I |"You're |Stomp into |Lie on your late |it! You're |missed the |lying!! We |your bed- |bed, again |grounded!" |bus and had|can't trust|room and |seething. | |to walk |a word you |slam the |Later, sneak | |home!" [Or |say!!!" |door. |out. | |some such | | | | |excuse] | | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Your |"How can you|"I like it |"Well, as |[in head] |Throw messy |stand to |this way." |long as you|'That's |clothes into bedroom |live like | |live in my |what YOU |the closet, |this?" | |house, |think.' |kick toys | | |you're | |under the | | |going to | |bed, shoo | | |live like a| |away fruit | | |decent | |flies from | | |human | |the trash | | |being!" | |can, swear- | | | | |ing the | | | | |whole time. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- You, the|"When *I* |Tune out |"Look at me|Try to look|Wait till lazy bum|was your |immediately|when I talk|as impatient|the fight |age..." | |to you!" |and perturbed|is over, | | | |as possible|then go | | | |without |watch TV. | | | |actually | | | | |saying | | | | |anything. | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Your |"This report|Shrug your |"We'll try |Plead, whine,|Listen to lousy |card is |shoulders, |no TV for 3|argue, moan,|music on grades |simply un- |start |months and |pester, yell,|headphones |acceptable."|slinking |see if that|cry, whimper,|while | |away. |improves |sulk. |doing your | | |things." | |homework. | | | | |Bring | | | | |grades up a | | | | |notch by | | | | |actually | | | | |turning in | | | | |work. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Your |"You watch |"Say some- |"Don't you |Make a |Go down to dis- |your |thing |DARE sass |hideous |mall and respect |tongue, |interesting|me!!" |face. |hang out. |young lady |for a | | |Act as |[or man]!" |change!" | | |bored as | | | | |possible. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Your |"You look |"This is |"If your |"Maybe." |Vaguely crummy |like a mess,|way all my |friends all| |resent your appear- |you know |friends |jumped off | |parents for ance |that?" |look." |a cliff, | |the rest of | | |would you | |your life. | | |jump too?" | | ====================================================================== *** Old Man, a poem by John Ciardi When the old man who had bought all his wives ran out of cash, he took to feeding pigeons in Washington Square. He had never learned how to summon a meeting except by a bribe. Now he was down to peanuts. But for once he was buying responses tht really came to him and then really flew. He hummed in that cloud, and wished he might scatter diamonds to his pigeons as he had once to his various chicks. Luckily for the pigeons, however, he was beyond diamonds and could strew only what was useful--a difference that made the difference, for he grew gentle in the wing-worked sun about him and learned he would die a lover. *** CREATE YOUR OWN SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS by Jerry Maguire Combine (in order) one word from each of the three columns below, preface with "Thou" and thus shalt thou have the perfect insult. Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 --------------- --------------- --------------- bawdy bat-fowling baggage beslubbering beef-witted barnicle botless beetle-headed bladder churlish boil-brained boar-pig cockered clapper-clawed bugbear clouted clay-brained bumbailey craven common-kissing canker-blossom currish crook-pated clack-dish dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb droning doghearted codpiece errant dread-bolted death-token fawning earth-vexing dewberry fobbinb elf-skinned flap-dragon froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker goatish fly-bitten fustilarian gorbellied folly-fallen giglet impertinent fool-born gudgeon infectious full-gorged haggard jarring guts-griping harpy logerheaded half-faced hedge-pig lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger mangled hell-hated jolthead mewling idle-headed lewdster paunchy ill-breeding lout pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie puking knottty-pated malt-worm puny milk-livered mammet quailing motley-minded measle rank onion-eyed minnow reeky plume-plucked miscreant roguish pottle-deep moldwarp ruttish pox-marked mumble-news saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg spongy rude-growing pignut surly rump-fed puttock tottering shard-borne pumpion unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane vain spur-galled scut venomed swag-bellied skainsmate villainous tardy-gaited strumpet warped tickle-brained varlot wayward toad-spotted vassal weedy unchin-snouted whey-face yeasty weather-bitten wagtail *** This is good news: of memory, hearing, all the faculties - the last to leave us is sexual desire and the ability to make love. That means that long after we're wearing bifocals or hearing aids, we'll be making love. But we won't know with whom. Jack Paar *** Surefire Conversation Stoppers, from Matt Groening. "You look JUST LIKE my ex-husband." "I've got four cats, three dogs, and six parakeets." "I don't care WHAT they say about you -- you're O.K. in my book." "Spare change?" "I killed a man once with my bare hands." "I'm writing a screenplay." "Tell me the truth: am I stupid?" "NEVER touch a girl there." "I hate my mother." "I literally have hornets flying around inside my brain." "Can I ask you a personal question?" "See this gun?" "I had a dream I was being chased by giant salamis. I wonder what that meant?" "What are YOU lookin' at, wiseguy?" "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard of." "I don't get it. I just don't get it." *** Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth Galbraith *** RETIREMENT ========== My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when of its own accord, >From my trousers it would spring. But now I have a full-time job To find the blasted thing. It used to be embarassing The way it would behave, For every single morning It would stand & watch me shave. As old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues To see it hang its withered head And watch me tie my shoes. *** If everything goes as planned this evening, we shouldn't run more than hour late. Our next guest is the greatest guy in the world. And that's not my opinion--it's his. That's a very good question. See me during the break, and I'll avoid answering it then, too. Our guest of honor finally got an office with a window, but now he spends all day asking, "Would you like fries with that order?" I think the small turnout can be blamed on your excellent newsletter--obviously, too many people knew I'd be here. Gee, is my time up already? It seems like only last Thursday I started this speech. I don't want to suggest that today's food was bad, but three terrorist groups have called in to claim responsibility. *** How To Be A Feisty Rock Critic Matt Groening. HOW TO TELL IF YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES |_| Did you play "air guitar" as a child? |_| Did you play "air guitar" as a teen? |_| Do you deny you play "air guitar" as an adult? WHEN YOU HEAR SOME ROCK 'N' ROLL, DO YOU FEEL THE URGE TO: |_| Tap your foot? |_| Shut your eyes tightly, bite your lower lip, and nod your head rhythmically? |_| Stand there with your arms folded, then go home and write an in-depth analysis of the experience? WOULD YOU CHARACTERIZE YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE AS: |_| Pre-adolescent? |_| Adolescent? |_| Semi-post-adolescent? Congratulations! If you checked any box above, you are qualified to be a feisty rock critic. And if you checked no boxes, don't feel bad. You are qualified to be a very feisty rock critic. THE REWARDS OF FEISTY ROCK WRITING ASSIGNMENT | WHERE PUBLISHED | PAY | ARTISTIC FULFILLMENT ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Feisty profile of |National music | Low | A little millionaire rock star|gossip magazines | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Feisty profile of |Struggling urban | Very | A smidgen unknown rock band |newsweeklies | Low | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Feisty review of show| Anywhere | Laugh-| A tad or LP | | able | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Feisty think piece | Unpublishable | --- | A wee bit analyzing greed and | | | corruption in the | | | music industry | | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------- BASIC EXERCISES FOR THE BEGINNING FEISTY ROCK CRITIC You will need: typewriter, paper, record album 1) Play the record 25 times. 2) Stare into space. 3) Spend six hours writing and revising your review until it is perfect. 4) Turn in your finely-honed masterpiece. 5) Watch your editor cut it in half before your very eyes. 6) Go home and wait for your paycheck. 7) Keep waiting. THE QUICK AND EASY WAY TO WRITE A RECORD REVIEW (for advanced feisty rock critics only): 1) Have a beer. 2) Glance at LP cover. 3) Play a song or two (optional). 4) Write review. 5) Have another beer. MISCELLANEOUS FEISTY WORDS AND PHRASES TO USE: smoldering passion tasty distinctively soulful demonic compellingly inspired drumwork staggering market sense teen anthem street smart enigmatic tour de force brutally honest roots-conscious ballsy eponymous silken-voiced commitment Springsteenian dancable righteous shameless WHERE DOES THE FEISTY ROCK CRITIC GO WHEN HE OR SHE NO LONGERS FEELS SO FEISTY? Welcome to the world of (choose one): |_| Public Access cable TV |_| Record company publicity |_| Advertising copywriting |_| Phone sales SURPRISING ANSWERS TO FEISTY ROCK CRITICS' MOST OFTEN-ASKED QUESTIONS Q: If I truly want to be a feisty rock critic, don't I have to know the history of jazz, pop, country, the blues, and R&B? A: Nope. -------- Q: Has there ever been a feisty rock book written that was neither a frivolous puffball nor a collection of whining pompous solemnities? A: Nope. -------- Q: Will I someday be able to publish all my best rock writing in a really feisty best-selling book? A: Nope. *** The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country... *** The Hearse Rolls By Did you ever think, when a hearse rolls by, That you may be the next to die? They wrap you up in a nice clean sheet, And drop you down about six feet deep. All goes well for about a week, And then your coffin begins to leak. The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, The worms play pinnacle on you snout. They eat your clothes, they eat your hat, They crawl in skinny and crawl out fat! *** The following is a vocabulary list of common words...which are you? Word Geek Normal ============= ================ =================== Code software instruction cryptic message Boot load operating sys. footwear Virus makes computer sick makes you sick Memory data storage retained ideas News Usenet NBC/CNN/C-Span Mail electronic letters bills/junk mail FIDO subnet dog Pen pointing device writing with ink thing Slip external comm. a fall/undergarment Tip open line for comm. $$ for waiters/waitresses Mouse pointing device rodent Screen terminal face metal mesh Spool swap device thing that holds thread Thread code structure method stuff on spools OOP C++ a booboo Ports serial, parallel.... place where ships dock Floppy removeable disk limp Harddrive fixed disk difficult trip Windows GUI nightmare cleaning nightmare Root sysadm bottom part of plant Smalltalk programming language chit chat *** Your reality is like a flower garden. You can cultivate the flowers to grow, any way you wish. You can segregate the colors. Whites here, yellows there, reds over there and so on. You can line up the various sizes, talls in the back, shorts in the front, and inbetweens, inbetween. You can pluck out any little weed before it gets a good start. You can poison all the little bugs, and in so doing be sure that there will be no honey bees to sip the nectar of your work. Or you can dig up the soil and you can dump all your seeds into a bucket and mix them up real *good*. Toss them to the wind and wait and be surprised at what comes up. Hoping that the flowers are hardy and plentiful enough to crowd out any hapless weed. But you can be sure of one thing, no matter how you plant your garden. It can always be improved with a little horse manure. *** The Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington Post. It was a contest in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work: =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. My stigmata's acting up. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired my for not showing up for work. OK? I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Giant. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in? I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and so far I only have seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot. *** From: misrael@grdb.csi.uottawa.ca (Mark Israel) Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.usage.english Subject: Re: Metric Prefixes In article , Peter Moylan writes: > 10^12 dactyls = 1 teradactyl > 10^15 philes = 1 petaphile > 10^18 stentials = 1 exastential Dubious metrics --------------- A millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. A microhelen is the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor. A megahelen is the amount of beauty required to make the sailor think in any other terms than a one-night stand. But this is all rather bogus, since we are applying metric prefixes to Troy units. Other dubious metrics: 10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo 10**18 minations = 1 examination 10**15 coats = 1 petacoat 10**12 bulls = 1 terabull 10**12 microphones = 1 megaphone 10**12 pins = 1 terrapin billions and billions = 1 Sagan 10**9 lows = 1 gigalow 10**9 antics = 1 gigantic 10**9 questions = 1 gigawhat 10**9 micrometers = 1 kilometer = 200 pentameters 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 2*10**3 millinaries = 4 seminaries = 1 binary 2*10**3 mockingbirds = 2 kilo mockingbird 1000 Kowalskis = 1 Kilokowalski ("Killer" Kowalski was a well-known professional wrestler about 20 years ago.) 10 cards = 1 decacard 10 decor = 1 hector 10 dence = 1 decadence 10 halls with boughs of holly = decahalls with etc. 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue 10 rations = 1 decoration 5 holocausts = 1 Pentecost 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 2 bulls = 1 Pair a bull 2 homosexuals = 1 bisexual 1 centipede/second = 1 velocipede 1/2 Soviet press agency = 1 demitasse 10**-1 mate = 1 decimate 10**-2 mentals = 1 centimental 10**-3 ink machines = 1 millink machine 10**-3 on = 1 million 10**-5 dollars = 1 Millicent 10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche 10**-6 scopes = 1 microscope 10**-9 goats = 1 nanogoat 10**-9 Nanettes = 1 nanoNanette 10**-12 boos = 1 picoboo 10**-12 boulevards = 1 pico-boulevard 10**-12 dillies = 1 picodilly 10**-15 fatales = 1 femtofatale 10**-15 bismol = 1 fepto bismol 10**-18 boys = 1 atto boy nano-nano = a prefix designating 10**-18 *** I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. -Alfred, Lord Tennyson *** DATELINE MOSCOW: A tiger, angered by a tipsy zoo visitor, bit off the man's arm and then kept wardens from retrieving the severed limb. The 41-year-old man, strolling in the zoo of Russian's Baltic city of Kalinigrad on Monday night, wanted to impress his female companion by putting his arm inside the tiger's cage. Quote for the Day discussion groups may wish to use the suggested topic: Do women sufficiently appreciate what men go through? *** At Easter the Lukewarm War ended. Quietly. On the first day of Passover the Tepid War ended. Quietly. On Veteran's Day the Faintly Scented War ended. Quietly. On Canadian Boxing Day the Perfectly Intolerable War ended. Quietly. And without anyone so much as raising a gardyloo or huzzah, the Cold War ended sometime between Labor Day and Halloween. Not even quietly; just gone without a trace or a tremor. And Europe was then able to get back to the important business in which it had been engaged for hundreds of centuries: Chewing off its own leg. "Europe" by Harlan Ellison from _Mind Fields_ *** I don't think television will ever be perfected until the viewer can press a button and cause whoever is on the screen's head to explode. -- Michael O'Donoghue *** The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. -- George Lois *** This apartment full of books could crack open to the thick jaws, the bulging eyes of monsters, easily: Once open the books, you have to face the underside of everything you've loved.." -- Adrienne Rich, from "Dream of a Common Language: Poems 1974 - 77" *** It just proves that stupidity is universal. -- MTV executive Abby Terkuhle, on Britain's Channel 4 decision to license the rights to MTV's animated program Beavis and Butt-head, perhaps the least amusing cartoon in the 4.5 billion year history of the universe. *** First, I want to make my own movies - documentaries of interesting people I've met. Two, have an Oprah-style talk show. Three, read my poetry and set it to music. Four, move to a beach in Spain and become a nudist. -- Rosane Arnold, musing on her future career goals in the pages of People magazine. *** Their very existence symbolizes our belief in the right of everyone to know--that access to information is an inalienable right. Without libraries, this particular right is seriously endangered. We must rededicate adequate resources to the fight against ignorance and its principle ally--illiteracy. -- Author and illustrator, David Macauley (In testimony before the U.S. Senate Subcommittee on Education, Arts and the Humanities, April 12, 1994, as part of ongoing hearings on reauthorization of the Elementary and Secondary Education Act.) *** The problem is starkly simple: an astonishingly large and increasing number of human beings are not needed or wanted to make the goods or provide the services that the paying customers of the world can afford. -- Richard Barnet, on the so-called "jobless recovery" of the 1990s, in which the recovery of Western economies did not result in additional employment. *** I like this president, even though I did not go to his church. I'm a northern liberal: one of God's Frozen People. -- Garrison Keillor, on President Clinton (at RTCA 50th Anniversary Banquet) *** The World Record holder for blowing a bugle whilst riding a bike uphill dragging four hundredweight of pig iron and holding his breath is buried at... -- Spike Milligan *** ...and not since Disney built a theme park outside Paris and insisted that French people smile for a living have so many been so skeptical about one of the company's new ventures. -- Marc Peyser, Newsweek 4/25/94 p. 65 *** When a mass movement begins to attract people who are interested in their individual careers, it is a sign that it has passed its vigorous stage; that it is no longer engaged in molding a new world but in possessing and preserving the present. It ceases then to be a movement and becomes an enterprise. -- Eric Hoffer, from _The True Believer_ *** Chrysler has announced they're building cars without ash trays. They say since most people don't smoke, why put in ash trays. But if you go with that logic, why do they put in turn signals and low beams? -- Jay Leno *** Free trade is one of those abstract ideas, like a perfect circle or absolute zero: it doesn't exist in real life, but it helps us make sense of the world. Under conditions of perfect free trade, investors can put their money wherever they think it will earn the highest return; producers can sell their products in the market where prices are highest; and labor can similarly look for the market where wages are best. Economic theory teaches that over some unknown period of time, this system should lead to a greater abundance of goods, to lower prices, and to higher wages than any alternative system. In practice, this system would, of course, run into problems as 2 billion people in the developing countries booked flights for the West. These practical problems - unimportant in the world of theory - are so great that nobody seriously proposes free trade for labor. The proposal on the table is actually something else: freedom for capital and freedom for goods, but nothing comparable for people. -- Walter Russell Mead, on NAFTA (the North American Free Trade Agreement) and "free" trade *** Nobody else is shocked at anything any more, and Miss Manners feels sorry for children, comedians and artists who give their all, only to find that they are being benignly tolerated. -- Miss Manners *** It seems to me that the apparatus for the creation and maintenance of celebrity is vastly in excess of the material fit to be celebrated. -- Philip Larkin (British poet quoted by Joseph Epstein in Commentary) *** To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box. -- Jerry Seinfeld *** Our apologies, good friends, for the fracture of good order, the burning of paper instead of children.... We could not, so help us God, do otherwise.... We say: killing is disorder, life and gentleness and community and unselfishness is the only order we recognize. For the sake of that good order we risk our liberty, our good name. The time is past when good men can remain silent, when obedience can segregate men from public risk, when the poor can die without defense. -- Daniel Berrigan, in 1968 after he and eight others stole and burned draft records (cited in Howard Zinn, _Declarations of Independence_, p. 120) *** It's not their fault; they didn't ask to be born white males. -- Peggy McIntosh, Associate Director, Wellesley College Center for Research on Women, Quoted in the Wall Street Journal 6/14/94 *** You are invited to your own funeral. The shop owners, business people, and other citizens in the community invite all undesirables operating in this quarter to attend their own funeral, beginning promptly and continuing until all such people are no longer in our midst. -- A sign posted as part of government-sanctioned death squad activity in Colombia. 'Undesirables' include street children and indigenous peasants (translation by Amnesty International) *** The way some people talk about soccer, you'd think the result of one game was a matter of life and death. They don't understand; it is much more than that. -- Bill Shankley, Liverpool FC *** The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning." *** Security, the chief pretence of civilization, cannot exist where the worst of dangers, the danger of poverty, hangs over everyone's head, and where the alleged protection of our persons from violence is only an accidental result of the existence of a police force whose real business is to force the poor man to see his children starve whilst idle people overfeed pet dogs with the money that might feed and clothe them. -- George Bernard Shaw, from his play "Major Barbara" *** And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets tragedy face to face, we have politics. -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and Ground Cover" *** ELVIS NO KING OF MINE I don't think of Elvis like that [as the King of Rock 'n' Roll] because I know too many artists that are far greater than Elvis. Here was a white kid that could rock 'n' roll, or rhythm 'n' blues, or whatever you want to call it, and the girls would swoon over him. Black people been going out shaking their behinds for centuries ... So what am I supposed to get so excited about, man? -- Ray Charles, quoted in _Ottawa Citizen_, July 8, 1994 *** When I first came into this business, there were areas of your life that people respected. Now I expect sooner or later there will be microphones and videotape recorders in the bottom of the toilet. -- Actor Paul Newman, from US Magazine, June 1994 *** Underneath its fiery thrills and blood-spraying high jinks, it glorifies the cliches and Reaganist sanctimony of the action movies that made Schwarzenegger famous in the 1980s. In one telling scene, a depressed Tasker [Arnie's character] receives a pep talk from his partner. "We'll catch some terrorists," says Gib, "beat the crap out of them, and then we'll feel a hell of a lot better." Oh, those nutty paid assassins for the state. -- movie reviewer Joe Chidley, on the film True Lies *** If you didn't care what happened to me, and I didn't care for you, we would zig zag our way through the boredom and pain occasionally glancing up through the rain wondering which of the buggers to blame and watching for pigs on the wing. -- Pink Floyd *** "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't-- till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'". "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- that's all." -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" *** Underneath its fiery thrills and blood-spraying high jinks, it glorifies the cliches and Reaganist sanctimony of the action movies that made Schwarzenegger famous in the 1980s. In one telling scene, a depressed Tasker [Arnie's character] receives a pep talk from his partner. "We'll catch some terrorists," says Gib, "beat the crap out of them, and then we'll feel a hell of a lot better." Oh, those nutty paid assassins for the state. -- movie reviewer Joe Chidley, on the film True Lies *** If you didn't care what happened to me, and I didn't care for you, we would zig zag our way through the boredom and pain occasionally glancing up through the rain wondering which of the buggers to blame and watching for pigs on the wing. -- Pink Floyd *** One common obstacle to empathy that plagues tech support people is the fact that we are often dealing with callers who seem confused, stressed, forgetful, foolish, or, occasionally, downright stupid. -- Ralph Wilson, "Help! The art of computer technical support", Peachpit Press, 1991, 84. *** 1. Share everything. 2. Play fair. 3. Don't hit people. 4. Put things back where you found them. 5. Clean up your own mess. 6. Don't take things that aren't yours. 7. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. 8. Wash your hands before you eat. 9. Flush. 10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. 11. Live a balanced life--learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. 12. Take a nap every afternoon. 13. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. 14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. 15. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup--they all die. So do we. 16. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned--the biggest word of all--LOOK. -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" *** Strive for perfection in everything. Take the best that exists and make it better. If it doesn't exist, create it. Accept nothing nearly right or good enough. -- Sir Henry Royce, co-founder of Rolls-Royce *** To those humans in whom I have faith: I wish suffering, being foresaken, sickness, maltreatment, humiliation. I wish that they should not remain unfamiliar with profound self-contempt, the torture of self-mistrust, and the misery of the vanquished. I have no pity for them, because I wish them the only thing that can prove today whether one is worth anything: that one endures. And remember, passion for destruction is also a creative passion. -- Slacker *** In a lot of rock music you hear now, there's cathartic anger in the performance, but the philosophy - the feeling and thinking - behind it is very mushy, or studiedly vague. There's a strain of self-pity: `I get off the hook because I had a bad childhood.' Whereas in the '50s it made you a dangerous threat - you were a hoodlum - now it makes you a victim. I kind of liked the other thing better. -- intellectual rocker Elvis Costello in Vogue magazine *** Knock, knock. Through the little colored glass window next to the door, the silhouette of a walking figure is seen moving inside the house towards the door. A man in his early 50's, holding a beer, opens the door. Over the raucous sound emitted by the living room TV, the little boy standing on the front steps asks, "Mister, would you like to buy some of this candy to help keep geeks like me off the streets?" -- Rustan Leino *** Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of the pox. That, my Lord, depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress. -- John Wilkes to the Earl of Sandwich, Parliament, Nov 1763 *** The greatest novel has yet to be written, The noblest deed has yet to be done, The sweetest music is still to be sounded, The tallest building hasn't yet felt the sun. The finest painting is still to touch canvas, The greatest good hasn't yet lessened sorrow, The purest love hasn't yet embraced Brothers, And so with hope we look to tomorrow. -- Rowena Cox *** If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick. But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns. -- National Lampoon *** Half your heart wished to go, but the other half held you back; for its home was in the Shire, and its delight in bed and board and the voices of friends, and in the changing of the gentle seasons among the fields and trees. -- J.R.R. Tolkien *** Bill Curry, the center for the Baltimore Colts when they won Super Bowl V and now the coach of the Kentucky Wildcats, tells a story about Mike "The Animal" Curtis. He says that Mike stood up in a team meeting with two games to go in the season with the team struggling and said, "Guys, we've got five games left to play." (Two regular season games, two play- off games, and the Super Bowl.) He continued, "in these next five games I plan to bust my ass on every play, and I'll personally KICK the ass of any guy who doesn't do the same!" And he sat down. Bill says that Mike didn't usually say much, but you could've heard a pin drop in that room. The Colts didn't lose another game that year. *** There was this one lunch where a woman who was 50-something was telling about an affair she was having with a guy 20-something and saying how much nicer young men were. And there was this little silence and then someone said, 'Of course they're nicer. We were their mothers.' -- activist Gloria Steinem, in Longevity magazine *** Tell him that Dr. Fleischman is the kind of enterprising, young professional who's chosen to stake his claim right here on the banks of the Alaskan Riviera. Tell him I'm being held against my will. -- Maurice and Joel to businessmen, Northern Exposure *** I`ve got drawers full of them, a whole closet full of these tapes and I haven't looked at them. I think videotapes are going to provide the world's most effective landfills as years go by because every house is going to be full of these wretched things. They would be better off buying books. -- CBS President Howard Stringer, quoted in Television Quarterly *** People in this country have lost the habit of debating questions. TV does it for them. People hold opinions, but the opinions are not derived from either thought or discussion. -- writer Saul Bellow *** My view of Microsoft is that they had two goals in the last 10 years: to copy the Macintosh and to copy Lotus' success in the applications business. And they accomplished those goals. Now, they're kind of lost. I've told Bill [Gates] that I think it's in Microsoft's best interest if NeXT becomes successful because we'll give him something to copy for the rest of this decade. -- Steve Jobs *** I wanted a perfect ending ... Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity. -- Gilda Radner, American comedian, 1946-1989 *** When Richard Nixon resigned the office of the presidency twenty years ago this summer, I thought it possible that in his own peculiar and crooked way he might have done his countrymen an honest service. It wasn't the one that he had in mind, and honesty was never a trait for which he had much liking or use, but by so conspicuously attempting to suborn the Constitution and betray every known principle of representative government, he had allowed the American people to see what could become of their democracy in the hands of a thoroughly corrupt politician bent upon seizing the prize of absolute power. The civics lesson was conducted in plain sight over a period of eighteen months on network television and memorably illustrated by the singular ugliness of Nixon's character. The more obvious aspects of that character (its hypocrisy and self-pitying rage) had been made, as he so often said, "perfectly clear" during his prior years in public office, but the congressional hearing preliminary to his certain impeachment showed that he was also vindictive, foulmouthed, and determined to replace the rule of law with corporate despotism. Nixon's distrust of any and all forms of free speech was consistent with his ambition to shape the government of the United States in his own resentful image, and when he left for the beach at San Clemente, as grudgingly as a dog giving up its bone, I remember watching his helicopter rise for the last time from the White House lawn and thinking that his fellow citizens wouldn't soon forget the constitutional moral of the tale. The assumption was mistaken. When Nixon died on April 22 in New York City, at the age of eighty-one, the national news media pronounced him a great American and told the story of his life as sentimental melodrama. -- Lewis H. Lapham, on the death of criminal and former U.S. President Richard Nixon *** When asked if she would ever have plastic surgery, actress Jodie Foster replied (US Magazine, June 1994): "... I'd rather have a big nose and sit down with somebody I don't know and have them think, 'She has a strong nose', than have had plastic surgery and have them think, 'Gee, that person hates how they looked so much they changed themselves'. I can handle people thinking I was unattractive, but not that I was a phony. For me, I see [plastic surgery] as an admission of self-hatred..." *** Soap Opera: A kind of sandwich. Between thick slices of advertsing, spread twelve minutes of dialogue, add predicament, villainy and fe- male suffering in equal measure, throw in a dash of nobility, sprinkle with tears, season with organ music, cover with a rich announcer sauce and serve five times a week. -- James Thurber *** In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. -- Mark Twain *** The Information Facts Of Life: #1. Most of the information in organizations - and most of the information people really care about - isn't on computers. -- Thomas H. Davenport, in Saving IT's Soul: Human-Centered Information Management; The Harvard Business Review: March-April 1994 pp.119-131 *** "I believe that when I die I shall rot ... but I should scorn to shrivel with terror at the thought of annihilation. Happiness is none the less true happiness because it must come to an end, nor do thought and love lose their value because they are not everlasting." -- Bertrand Russell, 1925 *** DAD, CAN I HAVE THE GUN TONIGHT? It's the law in Riverside, Washington (population: 290), for every household to have a gun and ammunition. Like several other communities in the U.S., Riverside is reacting against state and federal gun control laws that interfere in an entrenched way of living. Nearly every family in town already owns at least one gun. The ordinance was passed unanimously by the mayor, who runs a gunshop, and four council members. Why is there so much violence in the U.S.? Says Doug Bammer, a nearby resident: "God, that's nothing but stupidity, as far as I'm concerned." -- Ottawa Citizen, Tuesday, June 21, 1994 *** The thing to do is to crack every fighting head that you see, before there are so many fighting heads that you cannot crack any of them. -- Beat policeman explaining how to quell a bar brawl in Upton Sinclair's _The Jungle_ (1906) *** ...consider on single item, the washing of dishes... note that this is most filthy and deadening and brutalizing work; that it is a cause of anemia, nervousness, ugliness, and ill temper; of prostitution, suicide, and insanity; of drunken husbands and degenerate children- for all of which things the community has naturally to pay. -- Upton Sinclair, _The Jungle_ (1906) *** I have always held, too, that pistol practice should be distinctly an open-air pastime; and when Holmes, in one of his queer humours, would sit in an armchair with his hair-trigger and a hundred Boxer cartridges and proceed to adorn the opposite wall with a patriotic V.R. done in bullet-pocks, I felt strongly that neither the atmosphere nor the appearance of our room was improved by it. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Musgrave Ritual", Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes *** What I think, what I feel can never be the concern of government. If I do not like that someone gets up in public and espouses racism or anti-Semitism, then, for democracy's sake, my response should be to stand up and put forward countering ideas and persuade more people to my ideals of community, democracy, etc., than my adversary can persuade to his ideal of bigotry. The simultaneous strength and danger of democracy is that it is an arena in which we are willing to take the risk that the worst idea can win. -- Julius Lester *** My conditioner, bless its little Brazil Nut soul, is "Against Animal Testing." So are my shampoo and styling gel. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I can just imagine. My guess is that when I go shopping, my hair care products attend rallies and organizing meetings, then waddle back onto the shower ledge before I get home. Perhaps they hold consciousness-raising sessions in the bathroom itself, desperately trying to recruit my moisturizer which, though never actually tested on animals, has yet to take a pro-active stand against the heinous crime. Although face cream is well-known for its squishy politics, I don't think it can withstand my hair care products' direct-action techniques much longer - little eco-emollients that they are. I have to admit that I've never been active in the animal rights movement myself (although I am all for the furry tykes, of course). There are just so many causes these days, who has time? So I sleep better knowing that although I do nothing for animal rights (okay, so I eat meat and wear leather but don't tell my shampoo), Brazil Nut Conditioner is my delegate, my personal envoy, to this very worthy movement. And I don't mind telling you that it keeps my hair soft and manageable like there's no tomorrow. These social contributions are coming from my bathroom alone - just wait 'til I tell you about the global revolution that lurks in my closet. - Naomi Klein, in _This Magazine_, takes a tongue-in-cheek look at environmental marketing *** "If the history of capitalism, from the perspective of our emotions (if not from the perspective of our material comfort), is understood as a series of thefts---the theft of nature, place, and family, of daily kinship and community---then it may be possible that in our time we are witnessing the theft of sport too. Having fathomed how powerful and fundamental is our yearning for sport, sport's profiteers are now proceeding with the ambitious work of wringing from it all that they can." ... "When I see the athlete-cum-peddler on television, hawking hamburgers or deodorant, I suffer an emotional dissonance. It cannot be that this superhuman figure---a man or woman whom God allows to leap across the sky---is the huckster now gesticulating before me so shamelessly on the screen, asking me to buy a certain car tire. Though drones such as I sold out long ago in the knowledge that selling out is necessary, I nevertheless vaguely thought---or vaguely hoped---that our athletes, like angels, might be impervious." ... "This is business's unkindest cut, this usurping of our athletic heroes ("I'm going to Disney World!" skater Nancy Kerrigan proclaimed in the afterward of her finest Olympic performance), or, rather, this remaking of our athletic heroes in business's own pandering image. Far too many of our gods have been purchased, and our only consolation is the understanding that at least they went for a hefty sum; we would have done the same." -- David Guterson, in the September 1994 Harper's, laments the commodification of sport. *** The wise man should always follow the roads that have been trodden by the great, and imitate those who have most excelled, so that if he cannot reach their perfection, he may at least acquire something of its savour. Acting in this like the skillful archer, who seeing that the object he would hit is distant, and knowing the range of his bow, takes aim much above the destined mark; not designing that his arrow should strike so high, but that flying high it may alight at the point intended. -- The Prince, Niccolo Machiavelli *** There is a pleasure in the pathless woods, There is a rapture on the lonely shore, There is a society where none intrudes By the deep sea, and music in its roar: I love not man the less, but nature more. -- Lord Byron *** [T]he cultural revolt of the young signified a disjunction between appearance and reality. In socio-cultural terms, they sought no more than to return to the pristine ideals of liberalism, they wished to put back content into liberal rhetoric. Specifically, they rejected the consumerist philosophy of getting and spending: they wished to be and to become, they wanted real freedom for themselves--personal freedom--they wanted the freedom of love, all sorts of love. And in that aspect of their revolt, they were no more threatening to the system than any other evangelical group. The system moved around a bit, prevaricated, made adjustments, and finally bought up 'counter-culture' like any other business enterprise and turned it to profit." -- A. Sivanandan, (writing in 1973!) giving his views of the "student protest" movements of the 1960s *** Women's magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like women. It's as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to eat when you get to the picnic. It's for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the other hand, there's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' -- comic Jerry Seinfeld, in Esquire *** Somebody in Canada started a contest to come up with a saying analogous to "As American as apple pie." The idea was to finish this sentence: "As Canadian as..." The winner: "As Canadian as possible under the circumstances." -- Margaret Atwood *** There is, of course, no reason why the new totalitarianisms should resemble the old. Government by clubs and firing squads, by artificial famine, mass imprisonment and mass deportation, is not merely inhumane (nobody cares much about that nowadays); it is demonstrably inefficient and, in an age of advanced technology, inefficiency is the sin against the Holy Ghost. A really efficient totalitarian state would be one in which the all-powerful executive of political bosses and their army of managers control a population of slaves who do not have to be coerced, because they love their servitude. To make them love it is the task assigned, in present-day totalitarian states, to ministries of propaganda, newspaper editors, and school teachers. ...[such propagandists] accomplish their greatest triumphs, not by doing something, but by refraining from doing. Great is truth, but still greater, from a practical point of view, is silence about truth. By simply not mentioning certain subjects... totalitarian propagandists have influenced opinion much more effectively than they could have done by the most eloquent denunciations, the most compelling of logical rebuttals. -- Aldous Huxley, in his 1946 revised forward to Brave New World *** Sometimes, dear, you tell me I'm an asshole, sometimes you're an asshole too. Even though we're filled with imperfections, I don't think any less of you. -- lyrics from "My Love is You", one of the tracks off David Byrne's self-titled new album. The song (the closest thing you'll get to a David Byrne "love song") is accompanied by honks of a tuba. *** Umberto Eco in "Travels In Hyper-Reality" (Picador 1986), page 135, "Towards a Semiological Guerilla Warfare", which begins: ``Not long ago, if you wanted to seize political power in a country, you had merely to control the army and the police. Today it is only the most backward countries that fascist generals, in carrying out a coup d'etat, still use tanks. If a country has reached a high level of industrialization the whole scene changes. The day after the fall of Khrushchev, the editors of Pravda, Izvestia, the heads of the radio and the television were replaced; the army wasn't called out. Today a country to the person who controls the communications.'' *** I once saw posted in an alley in Ricketts a cartoon with two panels. One, captioned "Cartoon scientists", showed a bunch of people in white lab coats in a stereotypical chemistry lab pouring chemicals between Erlenmeyer flasks. The other, captioned "Real scientists", showed a bunch of people in "civilian" clothes sitting around a computer, offering comments to the person at the keyboard like "Make the background blue!" and "Try a different font!" *** Beware of one who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds themself no wiser than before. They are full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. -- Sir John A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister *** It takes all the running you can do to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that! -- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland *** Men make history and not the other way around. In periods where there is no leadership, society stands still. Progress occurs when courageous, skillful leaders seize the opportunity to change things for the better. -- Harry S. Truman *** We are victims of one common superstition - the superstition that we understand the changes that are daily taking place in the world because we read about them and know what they are. -- Mark Twain -- from "About All Kinds of Ships" 1892 *** LE JASEROQUE Il brilgue; les toves lubricilleux Se gyrent en vrillant dans le guave, Enmimes sont les gougebosqueux, Et le momerade horgrave. Garde-toi du Jaseroque, mon fils! La gueule qui mord; la griffe qui prend! Garde-toi de l'oiseau Jube, evite Le frumieux Band-a-prend. -- First 2 stanzas of the translation by Frank L. Warrin of Lewis Carroll's "The Jabberwocky", "The New Yorker", January 10, 1931 *** "Do you know, I always thought Unicorns were fabulous monsters, too? I never saw one alive before." "Well, now that we have seen each other," said the Unicorn, "If you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you." -- Lewis Carroll *** We weren't selling cigarettes, we were selling an image - an image to young boys. -- rock-climber David Gurlitz, on the Winston cigarette ads for which he was photographed, in a CBC interview We don't smoke this shit, we just sell it. We reserve the right to smoke for the young, the poor, the black, and the stupid. -- a Winston executive, quoted by David Gurlitz, after Gurlitz asked him on a photo shoot why the executive didn't smoke *** Even today the Eskimo displays very little gustatory qualm. Near Fort Chimo, Quebec, I was offered a snack of, I thought, crowberries. One taste told me the truth. They weren't crowberries, but caribou droppings cooked in seal fat. I declined any more. The man who offered them to me shrugged and continued to pop them into his mouth like salted peanuts. -- From the introduction to _A Kayak Full of Ghosts: Eskimo Tales_, gathered and retold by Lawrence Milman (ISBN 0-88496-267-9) *** What makes North fascinating, and dismaying like a wreck at the side of the road, at which you can't help staring although it isn't pretty, is less that he often does not tell the truth but that he sometimes seems unable to tell what the truth is. -- conservative columnist George Will, on war criminal, former Ronald Reagan gunsel, and convicted felon Oliver North, who is running for a U.S. Senate seat *** Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. -- Calvin Coolidge *** The grand show is eternal. It is always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never all dried at once; a shower is forever falling; vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal dawn and gloaming, on sea and continent and islands, each in its turn, as the round earth rolls. -- John Muir *** If it were not for the First Law of Thermodynamics, all bright students of mechanical engineering would want to work on perpetual motion! -- Maurice Wilkes on AI *** I cannot recommend this candidate too highly or say enough good things about him. In my opinion you will be lucky to get him to work for you. I urge you to waste no time making him an offer. No one would be better for the job. -- Liar! Liar! *** To harmonize the whole is the task of art. With cold eyes and indifferent mind the spectators regard the work. Connoisseurs admire the ``skill'' (as one admires a tightrope walker), enjoy the ``quality of painting'' (as one enjoys a pastry). But hungry souls go hungry away. The vulgar herd stroll through the rooms and pronounce the pictures ``nice'' or ``splendid.'' Those who could speak have said nothing, those who could hear have heard nothing. -- Wassily Kandinsky, Concerning the Spiritual in Art *** In the final chapter the author summarises her argument and proposes seven questions that we should ask about any proposed system, starting with "Do we need it?". We should counterbalance the enthusiasm for big technical projects by asking: "Is it the right system?", "What is at risk when (not if) it goes wrong?", "How big and complex will it have to be?", "How will it fit in with what already exists?", "What will it require of its users?", "Will it require extensive security?", "Is there a back-up?". -- Pete Mellor reviewing "Digital Woes" by Lauren Ruth Wiener for the ACM Forum on Risks in Computing. *** A Leader, by Kathryn Nelson I went on search to become a leader. I searched high and low. I spoke with authority, people listened, but alas, there was one who was wiser than I and hey followed him. I sought to inspire confidence but the crowd responded, "Why should we trust you?" I postured and I assumed the look of leadership with a continence that glowed with confidence and pride. But many passed by an never noticed my air of elegance. I ran ahead of the others, pointing the way to new heights. I demonstrated that I knew the route to greatness. And then I looked back and I was alone. "What shall I do," I queried. "I've tried hard and used all that I know." And I sat me down and I pondered long. And then I heard voices around me. And I heard what the group was trying to accomplish. I rolled my sleeves up and joined in the work. As we worked I asked, "Are we all together in what we want to do and how to get the job done?" And we thought together and we fought together and we struggled towards our goal. I found myself encouraging the fainthearted. I sought the ideas of those too shy to speak out. I taught those who had little skill. I praised those who worked hard. When our task was completed, one of the groups turned to me and said, "This would not have been done if it weren't for your leadership." At first I said, "I didn't lead, I just worked with the rest." And then I understood, leadership is not a goal. It's a way of reaching a goal. I lead best when I help others to use themselves creatively. I lead best when I forget about myself as leader and focus on my group, their needs and their goals. To lead is to serve. To give, to achieve TOGETHER. *** TLA - Three Letter Acronyms: It should be noted that there are many TLAs (three letter acronyms) in the computing field such as IBM, CDC, DEC, VAX, VMS, CMS, IMS, and even MDF and UTS from AMDAHL. The use of TLAs is so pervasive that the number one country song this week, LOA, contains TLC and PDQ within the lyrics. Because of the limited combinations of TLAs (the exact number is left as an exercise to the reader) it has been proposed the we go to ETLA which is 'Extended (or Enhanced) Three Letter Acronyms'. *** If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and will purify us from all unrighteousness. -- The Bible (NIV), I John 1:8-9 *** The Air Force is reacting to the EPA ban on CFC's by replacing them in the cooling systems of the intercontinental (ballistic) missiles with 2 to 10 nuclear warheads on board. If they are ever fired, it will be an environmentally friendly nuclear holocaust, not threatening the Ozone layer. -- Access to Energy, July 1993 *** The popular Mozart is, indeed, an automatic genius, a happy unit in the social whole. Someone - often a contemporary composer trying to address the masses - is always remarking with approval that Mozart tailored his music for particualr occasions, that he was just a working stiff, the Burt Bachrach of his day. But nothing could be more foolish than to compare 18th-century Viennese culture with our own. If Mozart were alive today, he would be dead. -- Alex Ross, New York Times, August 28, 1994 *** This month the _Nose_ magazine provides a participatory exercise in the mass-marketing of neurosis. In a slightly different take on self-help books and daily meditations, here are a few aphorisms listed in the _Daily Denegration_: - I am no more significant than the person sitting next to me on the bus. - When I feel empowered, I try to remember that someday I too will grow old and die. - Today, I will rejoice in my own existence by being curt and surly. - Addictive behaviour provides me with a sense of permanence; each cigarette represnts another segment on the karmic wheel. (Quoted in the _Ottawa Citizen_ newspaper, August 13, 1994) *** But yield who will to their separation, My object in living is to unite My avocation and my vocation As my two eyes make one in sight. Only where love and need are one, And the work is play for mortal stakes, Is the deed ever really done For Heaven and the future's sakes. -- Robert Frost, from "Two Tramps in Mud Time" *** Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit. -- Aristotle [384-322 B.C.] *** The requirements for admission to practice law include completion of general education at the university level; completion of a three-year postgraduate law school curriculum; passing a two- or three-day written bar examination; and proof of satisfactory character, the latter requirement being minimal. -- G.C. Hazard Jr. and Michele Taruffo, _American Civil Procedure_ 1993 *** The measure of a just society is not whether a demographically proportional share of any group succeeds, but whether an individual of talent can succeed regardless of what group he [or she] belongs to. -- William A Henry III *** Workers repairing the ailing Sphinx have discovered an ancient passage leading deep into the body of the mysterious statue crouched at the foot of the Giza pyramids. That tunnel is very old is not in dispute, said Giza antiquities chief Zahi Hawass. Evidence indicates it dates from the time of the pharaohs. But authorities do not know who built the tunnel, why, or where it leads. Hawass said mystery lovers will have to bide their time to learn what the passage is all about. He doesn't plan to remove the stones blocking its entrance until February. The secret tunnel burrows into the northern side of the 240-foot-long limestone statue, about halfway between the Sphinx's outstretched front paws and its curved tail. Though Hawass said he's thrilled about the new mystery of the Sphinx, he warns that treasure-seekers are likely to be disappointed. Based on long experience with the Sphinx, he predicts that antiquities workers will find nothing more than rocks as they maneuver down the passage. "But the rocks are their own treasure, because they'll give experts a close-up view at what's happening inside the Sphinx," he said. *** When I'm driving, I sometimes turn on the radio and I find very often that what I'm listening to is a discussion of sports. These are telephone conversations. People call in and have long and intricate discussions, and it's plain that quite a high degree of thought and analysis is going into that. People know a tremendous amount. They know all sorts of complicated details and enter into far-reaching discussions about whether the coach made the right decision yesterday and so on. These are ordinary people, not professionals, who are applying their intelligence and analytic skills in these areas and accumulating quite a lot of knowledge and, for all I know, understanding. On the other hand, when I hear people talk about, say, international affairs or domestic problems, it's at a level of superficiality that is beyond belief. In part, this reaction may be due to my own areas of interest, but I think it's quite accurate, basically. And I think that this concentration on such topics as sports makes a certain degree of sense. The way the system is set up, there is virtually nothing beyond anything that exists now, to influence the real world. They might as well live in a fantasy world, and that's in fact what they do. I'm sure they are using their common sense and intellectual skills, but in an area which has no meaning, as a displacement from the serious problems which one cannot influence and affect because the power happens to lie elsewhere. Now it seems to me that the same intellectual skill and capacity for understanding and for accumulating evidence and gaining information and thinking about problems could be used---would be used---under different systems of governance which involve popular participation in important decision-making, in areas that really matter to human life. ... And, in fact, to take apart the system of illusions and deception which functions to prevent understanding of contemporary reality, that's not a task that requires extraordinary skill or understanding. It requires the kind of normal skepticism and willingness to apply one's analytic skills that almost all people have and that they can exercise. It just happens that they exercise them in analyzing what the New England Patriots ought to do next Sunday instead of questions that really matter for human life, their own included. -- linguist and activist Noam Chomsky, from an interview published in _The Chomsky Reader_ *** The garden admires you. For your sake it smears itself with green pigment, the ecstatic reds of the roses, so that you will come to it with your lovers. And the willows-- see how it has shaped these green tents of silence. Yet there is still something you need, your body so soft, so alive, among the stone animals. Admit that it is terrible to be like them, beyond harm. -- Louise Gluck, "The Garden" *** Just to mention one example where it's less contentious and perfectly obvious, there are repeatedly surveys of businessmen in which corporate managers are asked to explain what they're doing. Typically, what they say is that they are bringing people the best possible goods at the cheapest price out of their overflowing human kindness. The fact of the matter is that they're maximizing profit and market share, and they're doing that not because they're either good or bad, but because that's the way the institutions work. If they didn't do it they wouldn't be managers of the board any more. Insofar as maximizing profit and market share can be rationalized, justified in terms of these lofty objectives, they'll believe the lofty objectives. But if the lofty objectives ever happen to conflict with maximizing profit and market share, they're going to do the latter. We all understand this, and nobody is or should be deluded. -- Noam Chomsky, on the gulf between the ideology and the practise of business, from Chronicles of Dissent. *** "Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?" "I think so Brain, but where are we going to get rubber pants in our size?" -- Pinky & The Brain, The Animaniacs *** "The point I have been patiently trying to make," Godwin said impatiently, "is that you expect far too much of a first sentence. Think of it as analogous to a good country breakfast: what we want is something simple, but nourishing to the imagination. Hold the philosophy, hold the adjectives, just give us a plain subject and perhaps a wholesome, nonfattening adverb or two." -- Godwin to Danny Deck, _Some Can Whistle_ *** ...as the scientific method, that is the point: there is no one rounded art or system of rules which stands to its subject-matter as logical syntax stands towards any particular instance of reasoning by deduction. 'An art of discovery is not possible,' wrote a former Master of Trinity; 'we can give no rules for the pursuit of truth which shall be universally and peremptorily applicable.' To many philosophers of science such an opinion must have seemed treasonable, and we can understand their unwillingness to accept a judgement that seems to put them out of business. The face-saving formula is that although there is indeed a Scientific Method, scientists observe its rules unconsciously and do not understand it in the sense of being able to put it clearly into words. -- Peter Medawar, "Plato's Republic", Oxford, New York, 1984, p.116 *** Some say the world will end in fire, / Some in ice. From what I've tasted of desire / I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, / I think I know enough of hate To say that for destruction ice / Is also great And would suffice. -- ROBERT FROST *** During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers? -- P.J. O'Rourke's calendar, 9/13/1994 *** Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!" "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper." Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium. "We must be careful --- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" *** "There are plenty of good reasons for fighting," I said, "but no good reason ever to hate without reservation, to imagine that God Almighty Himself hates with you, too. Where's evil? It's that large part of every man that wants to hate without limit, that wants to hate with God on its side. It's that part of every man that finds all kinds of ugliness so attractive. "It's that part of an imbecile," I said, "that punishes and vilifies and makes war gladly." -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. _Mother Night_ *** Standing there, I saw it all in a sudden swooping flash. The flash blew open the spaces in my mind. My spirit rose in height and I found myself in the mind of the Masquerade. I saw the world through its eyes. I surveyed its extensive, universal kingdom of fear. Dread for those who oppose, protection for supporters, nightmares for the silent. I saw far across the lands, into the hearts of nations whose heartbeats had accelerated and had been taken over by the powers of fear. All those who did not support would lose their jobs, be thrown out of their houses for mysterious reasons, would come home to find that their houses had been moved, and their wives or husbands deserted for better pastures. I saw through the terrible eyes of the Masquerade and I realized that it was merely one of a thousand universal manifestations: each land has its own kind of Masquerade, some more refined than others, the principle the same. ... But I also realised that if the people of the world saw things from the Masquerade's unconquerable eyes they too would be dancing their support, celebrating their initiation, under the noonday sun, their fears banished, their enemies outnumbered. -- Ben Okri (1993) Songs of Enchantment [sequel to The Famished Road]. London: Vintage, 112-113. *** Sir -- I was shocked by the language of Molly McAnailly Burke's piece on lesbian rockers, and your allowing it in a family newspaper. The offending phrase "five writhing beauties hot for each other" should be "five writhing beauties hot for one another," since *each other* applies only to two. -- Sean O'Brien, Rathfarnham, D14 From the Letters to the Editor of the Dublin (Ireland) _The Sunday Independent_ (as reprinted in _The New Republic_, Oct. 24, 1994): *** I love meetings with suits. I live for meetings with suits. I love them because I know they had a really boring week and I walk in there with my orange velvet leggings and drop popcorn in my cleavage and then fish it out and eat it. I like that. I know I'm entertaining them and I know that they know. Obviously, the best meetings are with suits that are intelligent, because then things are operating on a whole other level. -- Madonna *** Sexual love is undoubtedly one of the chief things in life, and the union of mental and bodily satisfaction in the enjoyment of love is one of its culminating peaks. Apart from a few queer fanatics, all the world knows this and conducts its life accordingly; science alone is too delicate to admit it. -- Sigmund Freud *** After mature deliberation of counsel, the good Queen to establish a rule and imitable example unto all posterity, for the moderation and required modesty in a lawful marriage, ordained the number of six times a day as a lawful, necessary and competent limit. -- Michel de Montaigne (1533-92) of the Queen of Aragon *** Admittedly, a homosexual can be conditioned to react sexually to a woman, or to an old boot for that matter. In fact, both homo- and heterosexual experimental subjects have been conditioned to react sexually to an old boot, and you can save a lot of money that way. -- William Burroughs *** God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent - it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills. -- Lazarus Long, in Robert A. Heinlein's _Time Enough For Love_ *** Happiness is like a crystal, Fair and exquisite and clear, Broken in a million pieces, Shattered, scattered far and near. Now and then along life's pathway, Lo! some shining fragments fall; But there are so many pieces No one ever finds them all. You may find a bit of beauty, Or an honest share of wealth, While another just beside you Gathers honor, love or health. Vain to choose or grasp unduly, Broken is the perfect ball; And there are so many pieces No one ever finds them all. Yet the wise as on they journey Treasure every fragment clear, Fit them as they may together, Imagining the shattered sphere, Learning ever to be thankful, Though their share of it is small; For it has so many pieces No one ever finds them all. -- Priscilla Leonard *** A great ring of pure and endless light Dazzles the darkness in my heart And breaks apart the dusky clouds of night The end of all is hinted in the start. When we are born we bear the seeds of blight; Around us life and death are torn apart, Yet a great ring of pure and endless light Dazzles the darkness in my heart. It lights the world to our world to my delight. Infinity is present in each part. A loving smile contains all art. The motes of starlight spark and dart. A grain of sand holds power and might. Infinity is present in each part, And a great ring of pure and endless light Dazzles the darkness in my heart. -- Madeleine L'Engle *** I saw Eternity the other night, Like a ring of pure and endless light, All calm, as it was bright, And round beneath it, Time, in hours, days, years, Driven by the spheres, Like a vast shadow moved, in which the world And all her train were hurled. There is in God, some say, A deep but dazzling darkness: as men here Say it is late and dusky, because they See not all clear. O for that night, where I in Him Might live invisible and dim. -- Henry Vaughan *** The earth will never be the same again. Rock, water, tree, iron share this grief As distant stars participate in pain. A candle snuffed, a falling star or leaf, A dolphin death, O this particular loss Is Heaven-mourned; for if no angel cried, If this small one was tossed away as dross, The very galaxies then would have lied. How shall we sing our love's song now In this strange land where all are born to die? Each leaf and tree and star show how The universe is part of this one cry, That every life is noted and cherished, And nothing loved is ever lost or perished. -- Madeleine L'Engle *** From: hubbard@garnet.berkeley.edu (Kathleen Hubbard) Subject: Vonnegut on generations and apathy Newsgroups: alt.society.generation-x Date: 28 Oct 1994 06:23:22 GMT "Life is going to be very tough again, just as soon as this is over. And the most useful thought we can hold when all hell cuts loose again is that we are not members of different generations, as unlike, as some people would have us believe, as Eskimos and Australian aborigines. We are all so close together in time that we should think of ourselves as brothers and sisters. I have several children -- six, to be exact -- too many children for an atheist, certainly. Whenever my children complain about the planet to me, I say: 'Shut up! I just got here myself. Who do you think I am, Methuselah? You think I like the news of the day any better than you do? You're wrong.' "We are all experiencing more or less the same lifetime now. "What is it the slightly older people want from the slightly younger people? They want credit for having survived so long, and often imaginatively, under difficult conditions. Slightly younger people are intolerably stingy about giving them credit for that. "What is it the slightly younger people want from the slightly older people? More than anything, I think, they want acknowledgment and without further ado that they are, *without question*, women and men now. Slightly older people are intolerably stingy about making any such acknowledgement." [...] "I come to a close now by noting that the news magazines, whose business is to know and understand everything, have found this year's graduates to be apathetic. This year's graduates have tired blood. They need Geritol. Well, as a member of a zippier generation, with sparkle in its eyes and a snap in its stride, let me tell you what kept us as high as kites a lot of the time: hatred. All my life I've had people to hate -- from Hitler to Nixon, not that those two are at all comparable in their villainy. It is a tragedy, perhaps, that human beings can get so much energy and enthusiasm from hate. If you want to feel ten feet tall, as though you could run a hundred miles without stopping, hate beats pure cocaine any day. Hitler resurrected Germany, a beaten, bankrupt, half- starved nation, with hatred and nothing more. Imagine that. "So it seems quite likely to me that the class of 1978 in the United States of America is not in fact apathetic, but only looks that way to people who are used to getting their ecstasies from hatred. The members of the class of 1978 are not sleepy, are not listless, are not apathetic. They are simply performing the experiment of doing without hate. Hate is the missing vitamin in their diet, and they have sensed correctly that hate, in the long run, is about as nourishing as cyanide. "This is a very exciting thing they are doing, and I wish them well." (typed in without any permission at all, from _Palm_Sunday_.) *** From meganc@u.washington.edu Wed Nov 2 10:06:04 1994 Thought y'all might appreciate this. --------------------------------------------------------------------- An age old question, and one much debated in intellectual circles. Here, then, is the answer to this most intriguing conundrum, as dictated by some of the worlds greatest sages... * * * Why did the chicken cross the road? * * * Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx (revisited): It was a historical inevitability. Hamlet: Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles... Doug Hofstadter: To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. H.P. Lovecraft: To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul! Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Robert Anton Wilson: Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take over the world's egg production. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Aleister Crowley: Because it was its True Will to do so. Oliver North: National Security was at stake. Sappho: For the touch of your skin, the sweetness of your lips... J.R.R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which countless tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it. Malcolm X: Because it would get across that road by any means necessary. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Gary Gygax: Because I rolled a 64 on the "Chicken Random Behaviors" chart on page 497 of the Dungeon Master's Guide. Trent Reznor: Because the world is FUCKED UP and it HATES ITSELF for being such a PITIFUL WHINY USELESS SHIT! Dorothy Parker: Travel, trouble, music, art / A kiss, a frock, a rhyme / The chicken never said they fed its heart / But still they pass its time. T.S. Eliot (revisited again): It's not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Jean-Luc Picard: To see what's out there. Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. John Constantine: Because it'd made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it'd better get out right quick. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Gandalf: O chicken, do not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are tasty and good with barbecue sauce. Baldrick: It had a cunning plan. [_Princess Bride_ section] Wesley: It's terribly fashionable, I think everyone will be doing it in the future. Fezzik: Because if it did not it would be like a toad! Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You crossed my father's road. Prepare to die. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken? George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights. Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer. Candide: To cultivate its garden. Bill the Cat: Oop Ack. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation. Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead. Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence. Salvador Dali: The Fish. Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium. Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway. Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death. Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross? TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala. TS Eliot (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road? Epicurus: For fun. Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it. Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona. Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward momentum. Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich. Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by. Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling. Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost! Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast. Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum. David Hume: Out of custom and habit. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road. John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross! Martin Luther King: It had a dream. James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run. Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind of thing, you know. Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross. Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs. Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle. Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads. John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men. Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry? Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road. Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason. Thomas Paine: Out of common sense. Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken! Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road. Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road? Ronald Reagan: I forget. Georg Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures. John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain! William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado. Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too? Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist. The Sphinx: You tell me. Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! Brad Templeton: Do you think I have time to answer questions like that? I'm not a riddle-answering service. Anyway, I've heard it before. (Moderator of Rec.humor.funny) Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative. Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night. Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life. Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration. Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime. Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself. William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility. Molly Yard: It was a hen! Henny Youngman: Take this chicken ... please. Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side. *** In June, the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C., featured a show on minimalism, in which quite ordinary objects are offered as art. Included, for example, was a wrapped package, in brown paper and string, entitled Packagle, by Christo. According to the Washington Post, when gallery technician Glenn Perry was installing some of the exhibits with the aid of his tool cart, "several patrons and critics" gathered around the cart and studied it as if it were an exhibit, before Perry finished his work and rolled the cart away. -- Winnipeg Sun *** Drink and dance and laugh and lie, Love, the reeling midnight through, For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.) -- Dorothy Parker *** From the standpoint of Taoist philosophy natural forms are not made but grown, and there is a radical difference between the organic and the mechanical. Things which are made, such as houses, furniture, and machines are an assemblage of parts put together or shaped like sculpture, from the outside inwards. But things which grow shape themselves from within outwards. They are not assemblages of originally distinct parts; they partition themselves elaborating their own structure from the whole to the parts, from the simple to the complex. -- Alan Watts, 1958 *** May you call Fire and never be burned by it./ May the Air never send storms across your path./ May that path across the Earth be a soft one,/ and the Water of your tears always taste sweet with joy. -- M. Rawn, _The Dragon Prince_ ***