I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge- That myth is more potent than history. I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts- That hope always triumphs over experience- That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death. -- Robert Fulghum *** "Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully. "Yes," said Piglet. "Rabbit's clever." "And he has Brain." "Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain." There was a long silence. "I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything." -- A. A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner *** Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? *** Calvin: "In MY book food should be nutrition AND entertainment." Hobbes: "That's why we tigers like our food surprised and running." *** Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better. *** Rhode's Law: When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. *** Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing. Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America. 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 20. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. 25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. 26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing. 27. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery. 28. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck. 29. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing. 30. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it. 31. Never pass a snow plow on the right. *** "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'" -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" *** 'Twas an evening in November, And I very well remember, I was walking down the street in drunken pride. But my knees went all a'flutter, and I landed in the gutter, and a pig walked up and lay down by my side. Now I lie there in the gutter, Thinking thoughts I dare not utter, When a colleen, passing by, did softly say: "You can tell a man who boozes, by the company he chooses". And at that, the pig got up and walked away! *** This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks). ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0 Or for those who have trouble with the poem: A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more. *** 'Tis a favorite project of mine A new value of pi to assign. I would fix it at 3 For it's simpler, you see, Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9. ("The Lure of the Limerick" by W.S. Baring-Gould, p.5. Attributed to Harvey L. Carter). *** If inside a circle a line Hits the center and goes spine to spine And the line's length is "d" the circumference will be d times 3.14159 *** If (1+x) (real close to 1) Is raised to the power of 1 Over x, you will find Here's the value defined: 2.718281... *** Here's a limerick - looks better on paper. \/3 / | 2 3 x 3.14 3_ | z dz x cos( ----------) = ln (\/e ) | 9 / 1 Which, of course, translates to: Integral z-squared dz from 1 to the square root of 3 times the cosine of three pi over 9 equals log of the cube root of 'e'. And it's correct, too. *** Autobiography of a Comedian (excerpts) by John Ciardi I did. I told joke my family fled from. My friends knew me through cracks in the door. Father Ryan black-sheeped me from the pulpit. --God knows he had more than enought o deplore. Then suddenly my jokes became lucrative. My wallet acquired a vocabulary. My four thumbs and twelve toes turned jugglers. I learn to dance loose. And the more I shuffled the more mney, cars, houses I got for it. I grew rich grinning. Bankers learned to pronunce my name. I even won at Harold's Club. I'm still winning. wht I have no real use for but might as well take. In my beginning was no end of a wry humor. I am my broker's keeper. Not even my hair is thinning. I tell you this world's as crazy as I was once. Even scholars take me seriously. And why complain, you say? Friend, I am trying a simple and as marvelous a thing as honesty. As I might say I love my wife, enjoy playing with my children, expect to die and not to profit by the experience-- I think we are of some Stone Age, you and I. *** There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, and the first communications satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the telephone business? *** You have a magic carpet that will whiz you through the air, To Spain, or Maine, or Africa, if you just tell it where. So will you let it take you where you're never been before, Or will you buy some drapes to match and use it on your floor? *** A mouth was talking to a nose and an eye; A passing listening ear Said, "Pardon me, but you spoke so loud, I couldn't help but overhear." But the mouth just closed and the nose turned up And the eye just turned away, And the ear with nothing more to hear Went sadly on its way. *** HOW MANY, HOW MUCH How many slams in an old screen door? Depends how loud you shut it. How many slices in a bread? Depends how thin you cut it. How much good inside a day? Depends how good you live 'em. How much love inside a friend? Depends how much you give 'em. -- Shel Silverstein, A Light in the Attic *** When the light is green you go. When the light is red you stop. But what do you do When the light turns light blue With orange and lavender spots? *** Draw a crazy picture, write a nutty poem, Sing a mumble-gumble song, whistle through your comb. Do a loony-goony dance 'cross the kitchen floor. Put something silly in the world that ain't been there before. *** I'd rather play tennis than go to the dentist, I'd rather play soccer than go to the doctor, I'd rather play hurk than go to work. Hurk? Hurk? What's a hurk? I don't know, but it must be better than work. *** Everything that Midas touched turned to gold, the lucky fellow. Every single thing I touch turns to raspberry jello. *** There was once a hippo who wanted to fly, So he sewed him some wings that could flap through the sky. He climbed to the top of a mountain of snow, With the clouds high above and the sea down below... [Happy Ending] He flipped and he flapped and he bellowed so loud, And he sailed like an eagle off into the clouds. [Unhappy Ending] He leaped like a frog and he fell like a stone, And he crashed and he drowned and he broke all his bones. [Chicken Ending] He looked up at the sky and looked down at the sea, And he turned and went home and had cookies and tea. *** Are strawberries really wild? Will they scratch an adult, will they snap at a child? Should you let them run free where they roam? Could they ever relax in a steam heated home? Can they be trained not to growl at guests? Would a litterbox do, or would they just leave a mess? *** The fly is in The worm is under the milk is in the ground is under the bottle is in the grass is under the fridge is in the blanket is under the kitchen is in the diaper is under the house is in the baby is under the town. the tree. The flea is on The bee is bothering the dog is on the puppy is bothering the quilt is on the dog is bothering the bed is on the cat is bothering the carpet is on the baby is bothering the floor is on Mama is bothering the groun. me. *** Bob bought a hundred-dollar suit, but couldn't afford any underwear. Says he, "If your outside looks real good, no one will know what's under there." Jack bought some hundred-dollar shorts, but wore a suit with rips and tears. Says he, "It won't matter what people see as long as I know what's under there." Tom bought a flute and a box of crayons, some bread and cheese and a golden pear. And as for his suit or underwear, he doesn't think about them much. Or care. *** I asked the zebra, are you black with white stripes? Or white with black stripes? And the zebra asked me, are you good with bad habits? Or bad with good habits? Are you noisy with quiet times? Or quiet with noisy times? Are you happy with some sad days? Or sad with some happy days? Are you neat with some sloppy days? Or sloppy with some neat ways? And on and on and on and on and on and on he went. I'll never ask a zebra about stripes again. *** This bridge will only take you halfway there, to those mysterious lands you long to see: Through gypsy camps and swirling arab fairs, so come and walk awhile with me and share The twisting trails and wondrous worlds I've known. But this bridge will only take you halfway there, the last few steps you'll have to take alone. *** Half asleep and half asleep but never too blind to see The things she takes, the things she breaks, the fool she's made of me. So here I sit, my heart in hand, two pieces made of stone; A frozen lake my only friend, will I always be alone? The sun comes up to give an embrace the ice it melts the cold it takes, but its warmth can never replace The things she takes, the things she breaks, the hole she's left in me. *** Beauty is an eternity gazing at itself in a mirror. But you are eternity and you are the mirror. Beauty is what you see when you close your eyes. Beauty is what you hear when you shut your ears. *** All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost, The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost, From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring, Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again shall be king. -- Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring, describing Aragorn *** I stumble on a carousel along the fair of life; My entrance bears a magic spell to end all earthly strife. As I climb on my faithful horse, a valiant knight and steed, I contemplate the noble course my journey's goal will lead. A righteous and brave paladin whose aims in life are clear: Shield innocents from mortal sin; halt chaos, greed and fear; Promote goodwill, peace, joy, and love; squelch parasitic foes; Receive the message from above as legend of my valor grows. The battle has been fought and won; the victory is mine. For good's a powerful weapon-scion when forged by the divine. As I dismount the carousel and leave quixotic lands, I bid my horse a last farewell, my future in my hands... -- Adam Rifkin *** "I sat through my history classes where I read some of their (historians') stuff, and I didn't learn anything." -- Michael Eisner, Chairman of the Board, The Disney Company [From an ad in the New York Times (11 July 94) OP-ED page, national edition, by "Protect Historic America" (fax 202-835-0933), concerning Disney's plans to build a theme park near Washington DC] *** Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up. -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 *** If you have to swallow a frog, try not to think about it. If you have to swallow two frogs, don't swallow the smaller one first. *** "The United States has become a place where you neighborhood video store is still open at 10 p.m., while the library is closed at midday." -- James Lardner, "The Declining Middle", New Yorker, May 3, 1993 *** Men are scum-sucking unevolved penis-driven loogey-hocking monster truck driving earn one and a half times our income for the same fucking job nut-scratching beer-belching was it good for you like he really cares belligerent hey what's on cable only own three pairs of shoes and pay half what you do for formalwear and then can wear it again sports obsessed genetically inferior orally fixated perpetually adolescent... -- The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them *** well, bora bora, you use INMARSAT, it's only lik $5 a minute and the entire revicer/groundstation fits in a metal suticase (NEC announced one for like undeer 10k rcently) competes with iriduim , whihc will be the same peruit, except you dont have to attach your sellphioe to a suitcase. :) -- Rohit Khare *** At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. *** God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. -- Pablo Picasso *** Think about it. There must be a higher love. Down in the heart or hidden in the skies above. Without it, life is wasted time. Look inside your heart, I'll look inside mine. -- Steve Winwood *** An Arab chief tells the story of a spy captured and sentenced to death by a general in the Persian Army. This general had the strange custom of giving condemned criminals a choice between the firing squad and "the big, black door." The moment for execution drew near, and guards brought the spy to the Persian general. "What will it be," asked the general, "the firing squad or "the big, black door?" The spy hesitated for a long time. Finally, he chose the firing squad. A few minutes later, hearing the shots ring out confirming the spy's execution, the general turned to his aide and said, "They always prefer the known to the unknown. People fear what they don't know. Yet, we gave him a choice." "What lies beyond the the big door?" asked the aide. "Freedom," replied the general. "I've known only a few brave enough to take that door." The best opportunities in our lives stand behind the forbidding door of the great unknown. -Don McCullough *** DATELINE: OHIO--Junior high school teacher Richard Ehret is now back at school after being suspended for 10 days without pay for teaching the kids lines from the book, Latin for All Occasions. Among the phrases he taught the students in Latin: "You have a big piece of spinach on your front teeth," and "Your fly is open." *** Filthy Huns breeding like rats in California and spreading east. Listen for the roar of the Harleys. You will hear it in the distance like thunder. And then, wafting in on the breeze, will come the scent of dried blood, semen, and human grease...the noise will grow louder and louder and then they will appear, on the west horizon, eyes bugged and bloodshot, foam on the lips, chewing some rooty essence smuggled in from a foreign jungle...they will ravish your women, loot your liquor stores and humiliate your mayor on a bench in the village square... -- Hunter S. Thompson describing the popular conception of the Hell's Angels, in the book named, amazingly enough, _Hell's Angels_ *** Whatever they may be in public life, whatever their relationships with men, in their relationships with women, all men are rapists, and that's all they are. They rape us with their eyes, their laws, and their codes. -- Marilyn French, The Women's Room (1977) *** Risks To laugh is to risk appearing the fool To weep is to risk being called sentimental To reach out to another is to risk involvement To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive To love is to risk not being loved in return To live is to risk dying To hope is to risk despair, and to try is to risk failure But risks must be taken because the greastest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing nothing, has nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he's forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free. -- Leo Buscalia *** If man could only get to know the mountains better, and let them become a part of him, he would lose much of his aggression. The struggle of man against man produces jealousy, deceit, frustration, bitterness, hate. The struggle of man against the mountains is different. Man then bows before something that is bigger than he. When he does that, he finds serenity and humility, and dignity, too. -- former Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas, Of Men and Mountains *** The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." "How?" demanded Fafhrd. Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" *** Richard Nixon, scum of the earth, Was buried with honors in the land of his birth. Kurt Cobain, the voice of our youth, Considered a bullet the pathway to truth. Isn't it time that somebody said, It's not always wrong to speak ill of the dead? -- columnist Michael Swaine, in the September 1994 Dr. Dobb's Journal *** Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds,--and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of--Wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air... Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace Where never lark or even eagle flew-- And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space, Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr. (1922-1941), "High Flight" (1941) *** When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. _Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973) ``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination'' Clarke's First Law On which he commented: Perhaps the adjective ``elderly'' requires definition. In physics, mathematics, and astronautics it means over thirty; in the other disciplines, senile decay is sometimes postponed to the forties. There are, of course, glorious exceptions; but as every researcher just out of college knows, scientists of over fifty are good for nothing but board meetings, and should at all costs be kept out of the laboratory! _Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973) ``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination'' But the only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible. _Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973) ``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination'' Clarke's Second Law Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. _Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973) ``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination'' Clarke's Third Law The third one especially has been the unlucky victim of many ``funny'' alterations. Which we've all seen before in alt.quotations many times. Clarke adds: As three laws were good enough for Newton, I have modestly decided to stop there. A post with the ``first law'' invariably gets followed up with one mentioning this: When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion--the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right. Isaac Asimov (1920-1992) _Fantasy & Science Fiction_ 1977 [magazine] In answer to Clarke's First Law (from Arthur C. Clarke) *** No man is an Island, entire of it self; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. -- John Donne, _Devotions upon Emergent Occasions_ (1624) Meditation XVII *** A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, _Essays: First Series_ (1841) Self-Reliance _Immortality_. I notice that as soon as writers broach this question they begin to quote. I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, _Journals_ May 1849 *** I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all. -- Ogden Nash (1902-1971), _Happy Days_ (1933) Song of the Open Road I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree. -- Joyce Kilmer (1886-1918), _Trees and Other Poems_ (1814) Trees *** When Hitler attacked the Jews I was not a Jew, therefore, I was not concerned. And when Hitler attacked the Catholics, I was not a Catholic, and therefore, I was not concerned. And when Hitler attacked the unions and the industrialists, I was not a member of the unions and I was not concerned. Then, Hitler attacked me and the Protestant church--and there was nobody left to be concerned. -- Martin Niemoller (1892-1984) in _Congressional Record_ 14 October 1968, p. 31636 *** The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. An evil soul, producing holy witness, Is like a villain with a smiling cheek, A goodly apple rotten at the heart. O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath! _The Merchant of Venice_ (1596-1598) act 1, sc. 3, l. [99] Hath not a Jew eyes? hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison us, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that. _The Merchant of Venice_ (1596-1598) act 3, sc. 1, l. 63 *** You see things; and you say ``Why?'' But I dream things that never were; and I say ``Why not?'' -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Back to Methuselah (1921) pt. 1, act 1 *** I met a traveler from an antique land Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand, Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown, And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, Tell that its sculptor well those passions read. Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed; And on the pedestal these words appear: ``My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'' Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare, The lone and level sands stretch far away. -- Percy Bysshe Shelley (1792-1822), ``Ozymandias'' (1819) *** That's one small step for [a] man; one giant leap for mankind. Neil Armstrong (1930-) First words spoken by a man walking on the moon, 20 July 1969 He didn't realize he had screwed up the line until after he got to Earth, according to the book _Chariots for Apollo_ by Charles R. Pellegrino and Joshua Stoff (not the NASA Technical Memorandum on the same subject and with an identical title). It was when presented with a plaque by the builders of the LM that he pointed out their mistake in failing to include the ``a'' at which point he was told that the word was not in the tapes. He insisted (at that time) that he had said it. The first words said upon _landing_ on the moon were ``Contact light. Okay, engine stop. ACA out of detent. Modes control both auto, descent engine command override, off. Engine arm off. 413 is in.'' Then from Mission Control: ``We copy you down, Eagle.'' Eagle: ``Houston, Tranquility Base here, the Eagle has landed.'' Source: Dave Dooling ``L+25: A Quarter Century After the Apollo Landing'' in _IEEE Spectrum_ July 1994, p. 25. The words from the Eagle were also spoken by Armstrong. *** Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. -- Max Ehrman (1872-1945), ``Desiderata'' (1927) From _Respectfully Quoted_ (see below): ``There has been confusion about the authorship of this poem. In 1956, the rector of St Paul's Church in Baltimore, Maryland, used the poem in a collection of mimeographed inspirational material for his congregation. Someone printing it later said it was found in Old St Paul's Church, Baltimore, dated 1692. The year 1692 is the founding date of the church and has nothing to do with the poem, which was written in 1927. It was widely distributed with the 1692 date. . . . --Fred D. Cavinder, ``Desiderata'', _TWA Ambassador_, August 1973, pp. 14-15'' *** My my, hey hey Rock and roll is here to stay It's better to burn out Than to fade away My my, hey hey Neil Young (1945-) _Rust Never Sleeps_ (1979 album) ``My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue)'' This is the oldest source I have heard of for this standard version. These words are also uttered in the movie _Highlander_, and they were quoted by Kurt Cobain in his suicide letter. As someone on a.q once pointed out, a much older similar line is It is better to wear out than to rust out. Richard Cumberland (1631-1718) in G. Horne _The Duty of Contending for the Faith_ (1786) p. 21, n. which may or may not be the original from which it is derived. An even older, similar looking line that more or less expresses the opposite is It is better to marry than to burn. Bible ``I Corinthians'' ch. 7, v. 9 *** May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be ever at your back May the Good Lord keep you in the hollow of His hand. May your heart be as warm as your hearthstone. And when you come to die may the wail of the poor be the only sorrow you'll leave behind. May God bless you always. anonymous ``An Irish Wish'' in Ralph L. Woods _A Third Treasury of the Familiar_ (1970) p. 644 Another version--which is the version most often mentioned in alt.quotations--runs thus:-- May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back, May the sun shine warm upon your face, And the rains fall soft upon your fields, And, until we meet again May God hold you in the palm of His hand. Every once in a while, somebody wants to know about the full text of this ``Irish blessing''. The origin of the fascination remains a mystery to me. *** He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory is a benediction. Bessie A. Stanley (b.1879) in _Notes and Queries_ July 1976 This quotation was tracked down for certain by Anthony W. Shipps in _Notes and Queries_ for July, 1976. It was written in 1905 by Bessie A. Stanley and was the first-prize winner in a contest sponsored by the magazine _Modern Women_. Shipps notes that _It is still quoted from time to time in American magazines and newspapers, but it is now often attributed to Emerson. Shipps says that ``The versions printed in the two local newspapers in 1905 do not agree, and in the many later appearances in print which I have seen, the wording has varied somewhat. However, the essayist's son, Judge Arthur J. Stanley, Jr., of Leavenworth, writes me that the correct text is the one given in the eleventh edition (1937) of _Bartlett's Familiar Quotations_.'' That's the one that is here also, folks, thanks to William C. Waterhouse (who wrote practically all of this). *** On the remark ``There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.'': The following information comes from Ralph Keyes _Nice Guys Finish Seventh_ (HarperCollins, 1992) pp. 49-50. ``In his autobiography, Mark Twain attributed the remark . . . to Disraeli. . . . [It] has also been attributed to Henry Labouchere, Abraham Hewitt, and others. No one other than Twain is known to have credited Disraeli with making the comment. British statistician John Bibby once appealed to his colleagues for a reliable source of the saying. The best anyone could come up with was this 1896 comment by a member of the Royal Statistical Society: ``We may quote to one another with a chuckle the words of the Wise Statesman, lies, damned lies, statistics...'' After consulting a Disraeli biographer, Bibby concluded that he probably wasn't this Wise Statesman. Bibby is still trying to determine who was.'' In the notes, Keyes gives the Twain source as _Mark Twain's Own Autobiography_, Madison, WI 1924, 1990, p.185. The 1896 source is _Journal of the Royal Statistical Society_ 59:38-118, on page 87. Bibby's work was privately published in Edinburgh (1983, 1986) under the title _Quotes, Damned Quotes, and..._ _Respectfully Quoted_ mentions an attribution to Holloway H. Frost next to some of the those mentioned above, and has the following amusing piece on the quotation:-- The quotation, or a variation, seems to be known internationally. When a Russian citizen was interviewed, following the death of Chernenko, he began by saying, ``As one of your writers said, `There are three kinds of lie: a small lie, a big lie and politics.''' -- _Time_, March 23, 1985, p. 21. *** A pig is a jolly companion, Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, Though mountains may topple and tilt. When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, You'll never go wrong with a pig! -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" *** The garden admires you. For your sake it smears itself with green pigment, the ecstatic reds of the roses, so that you will come to it with your lovers. And the willows-- see how it has shaped these green tents of silence. Yet there is still something you need, your body so soft, so alive, among the stone animals. Admit that it is terrible to be like them, beyond harm. -- Louise Gluck, The Garden *** Now the trumpet summons us again - not as a call to bear arms, though arms we need; not as a call to battle, though embattled we are; but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out, 'rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation', a struggle against the common enemies of man: tyranny, poverty, disease and war itself. -- John F. Kennedy (1917 - November 22, 1963) *** Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up. -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle *** The citizens' committee to clean up New York's porn-infested areas continued its series of rallies today, as a huge. throbbing, pulsating crowd sprang erect from nowhere and forced its way into the steaming nether regions surrounding the glistening, sweating intersection of Eighth Avenue and Forty-Second Street. Thrusting, driving, pushing its way into the usually receptive neighborhood, the excited throng, now grown to five times its original size rammed itself again and again and again into the quivering, perspiring, musty darkness, fluctuating between eager anticipation and trembling revulsion. Now suddenly the tumescent crowd and the irresistible area were one heaving, alternatively melting and thawing turgid entity, ascending to heights heretofore unexperienced. then, with a gigantic, soul-searching, heart-stopping series of eruptions, it was over. Afterwards the crowd had a cigarette and went home. -- Weekend Update, SNL *** If life were fair, the acquisition of a large bosom or a massive inheritance would have no bearing on your ability to attract the opposite sex, and Dan Quayle would be making a living asking runny-nosed children, "Do you want fries with that?" -- John Cleese *** TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FR: MANAGEMENT SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.). Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) *** I doubt that many schoolchildren can be brought to value history or enjoy the delights of its tantalizing subjectivity. Much of its pleasure lies in discovering ironies, and irony is uncommon in the typical harassed, scared, browbeaten American schoolchild looking forward in dread to S.A.T.'s that may wreck his life while simultaneously wondering if the student in the desk behind him is packing a semiautomatic pistol. -- Russell Baker, "'Bunk,' Ford Called It," NY _Times_, 29 Nov 1994 *** "In dramatic terms, this insider's perspective on the blood-sucking subculture is suicidal; the spectacle of deathly-white creatures scheming and posturing and struggling for power is appalling but stubbornly unexciting, like a Republican convention." -- Terrence Rafferty's review of "Interview with the Vampire", New Yorker *** Mohandas Gandhi's Seven Blunders of the World: Wealth without work Pleasure without conscience Knowledge without character Commerce without morality Science without humanity Worship without sacrifice Politics without principle. *** Do you think you can take over the universe and improve it? I do not believe it can be done. The universe is sacred. You cannot improve it. If you try to change it, you will ruin it. If you try to hold it, you will lose it. -- Tao Te Ching, chapter 29 *** all ignorance toboggans into know and trudges up to ignorance again: but winter's not forever,even snow melts;and if spring should spoil the game,what then? -- e.e.cummings *** This is from the preview for the new Michael Keeton/Geena Davis movie... Geena's character: I'm giving myself a French manicure. Michael's character: What's that? Geena's character: Same as a regular one, except I'm eating a croissant and being rude to myself. *** Nothing left for me, I can't live down here no more, I can't fall from a tree, I got wasted ain't my fault, understand what's right, It's so hard to belong, It's never tried, it's been so loose for so long,..hold on.....hold on...hold on....understand my fear, I've never been this high before, I can't fall from chills, It only takes a breath to believe...I can't face one more day, I have tried so many ways, none of them work, all has failed, I can't wait to wait until, hold on...a voice tells me...hold on...somewhere i hear hold on....on........ -- Eddie Vedder *** "In a proper society, we'd be able to torture him." -- late night radio caller on CKNW on why he's disgusted that the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) paid murderer Clifford Olsen to get information about where he buried the bodies of his victims. *** A Parable for Our Times Well I am going to tell a story today. It is a story told by a man named Tony Compolo. Tony is a Christian, a sociologist, a college professor and a gifted speaker, so he gets asked to go and give presentations all over the place. One time he was called from his east coast home to go to Honolulu. Now if you have ever flown from the East coast to Honolulu you know what happens to your time clock. He was in the hotel the first night and he woke up, wide awake, a little bit before 3 in the morning. His body said "It is 9 o'clock, time for breakfast," so he got dressed and went downstairs. Nothing was open so he went outside from the hotel and wandered around a bit until he found a place, a diner, a real greasy spoon -- one of those places where you are afraid to open the menu because you're not sure what might crawl out? And there he was in that place, no one else was there. He ordered a cup of coffee, and then, in a weak moment, he also ordered a donut. And then this rather obese, unkempt, unshaven man -- named Harry -- that was working behind the counter came out, wiped his hands on his dirty apron, reached into the jar and gave Tony a donut. Tony wished Harry had given it to him in a different way, and yet there he was. So he was sitting back, musing to himself and drinking his coffee and eating his donut when the door suddenly burst open and 8 or 9 rather boisterous prostitutes came in. Now Tony was even more uncomfortable. They sat down at the counter next to him, because there wasn't any other place, and he drank his coffee, tried to look inconspicuous, and listened to the conversation. And one of the women said, "Tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be 39." And her friend said, "So what do you want from me? I suppose you want a party or something, maybe you want me to bake you a cake?" And this woman, whom he later found was named Agnes, said, "Why are you so mean? I don't want anything from you. Why would I want anything from you? I've never had a birthday party, and no one has ever baked me a cake, and why would I want anything from you? Be quiet." Right then Tony got an inspiration. Soon the ladies left and he said to Harry, behind the counter, "Say do they come in here every night?" and he said, "Yes they do." And he said, "This one next to me?" and Harry said, "You mean Agnes?" and Tony said, "Yes, that's the one, does she come in every night?" And Harry said, "Same time just like clock work every night she is here." So Tony said, "What about if we throw a party for her, a birthday party? Tomorrow's her birthday." Harry began to smile a little bit and called to his wife who was back in the kitchen cooking, and said, "Hey, this crazy guy out here wants to have a birthday party for Agnes." And they said what a wonderful idea! So the plans were made and everything was set for the party. The next night Tony came back to the same place, same time, and the place was decorated with crepe paper, and the sign on the wall said, "Happy Birthday Agnes." It was cleaned up and it looked like a different place. They sat down and waited and pretty soon people began to trickle in. The word had gotten out on the street, prostitutes from all over Honolulu were filling up the place. The place was full and at about the appointed time Agnes and her friends came bursting through the door and they said "Happy Birthday, Agnes." Her knees buckled a bit, her friends caught her and she was stunned, speechless, touched. They led her over to the counter and she sat down. They said to her again "Happy Birthday," and Harry brought the cake out and her mouth fell open and her eyes began to fill with tears. They put the cake down in front of her, they sang happy birthday to her and Harry said, "Blow the candles out so we can have some." Agnes just stared at that cake. Finally they convinced her to blow the candles out and Harry handed her a knife and told her to cut the>cake. She looked at it and said, "Do I have to? let me wait a minute." And Agnes looked at that cake, so lovingly, like it was the most precious thing she had ever seen, a sacrament of love for her, and she said, "Do I have to cut it?" And Harry said, "Well, no, I suppose you don't have to cut it." And then she said something even more strange. She said, "I would like to keep it for awhile - I don't live far from here. Can I take it home? I'll be right back." They looked at her with a puzzled look on their faces and said, "Sure, you can take it." She picked the cake up and Tony said she carried it like she was carrying the Holy Grail in a sacred Cathedral and she walked out the door. There was silence, stunned silence, and Tony said he did something on the spur of the moment that he wondered about. He stood up and said, "What do you say that we pray?" Now what an improbable picture this is. A Christian sociologist surrounded by every prostitute in Honolulu in a greasy spoon diner and he says, let us pray. But he did. A simple prayer. He prayed for Agnes that somehow she would meet Jesus, that somehow she would find salvation and that God would be good to her, especially on her birthday. He said Amen and the party resumed. Harry said to him, "Hey, I didn't know you were a preacher." And Tony answered, "I'm not a preacher, I'm a sociologist." And Harry said, "Well what kind of a church do you come from anyway?" Tony, inspired by God's spirit, said, "I guess I come from a church that throws birthday parties for prostitutes at 3 o'clock in the morning." And Harry said, "No you don't, there's no such church like that, cause if there was," he said, "I would join it." -- This story is retyped from the Episcopal Voice, November 1994, the newspaper of the Diocese of Olympia, in Western Washington. It was included in the homily given by the Reverend Don Mackay, Rector of St. John's, Kirkland, at our recent Diocesan Convention. Submitted by Lynn Adam member of St. Paul's Seattle, ladams@fhcrc.org, via Elliott Mitchell. *** This newsgroup is dedicated to the proposition that those lacking pigmentation of any kind are the only ones possessing the moral and intellectual fortitude necessary for government, and thereby self-determinism. This theory has been propounded incorrectly for years by members of the so-called "White Power" movement. Their theory is incorrect, however, in that it assumes that the *quantity* of melanin present in someone's skin and the accompanying mental faculties and cultural mores determine fitness for survival. In truth, the presence of *any* skin or eye pigmentation is a sure sign of incompetentness. Here, we shall discuss REALLY white power, and leave the bumblings of the beigeboys far behind. The argument over brown eyes vs. blue eyes has gone on long enough and, as we of the superior pink eyes would expect, hasn't resulted in any sort of progress at all. Prolonged exposure to sunlight has obviously created toxins in their blood that has caused irreversible brain damage. -- Welcome to alt.politics.nationalism.albino *** ...At one such lecture, Feynman was characteristically brilliant. But the unforgettable moment came at the beginning of the lecture. The supernova of 1987 had just been discovered, and Feynman was very excited about it. He said "Tycho Brahe had his supernova, and Kepler had his. Then there weren't any for 400 years. Now I have mine." The class fell silent, but Feynman continued on. "There are 10 to the 11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a *huge* number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers." -- from an introduction to a book on Feynman's freshman physics lectures *** Philosophical habits of mind do not come quicker through fiber optics. Clear thinking is not aided by better dot resolution. Understanding ourselves and feeling for others does not come with a software upgrade. -- Linda Ray Pratt, _Academe_, Nov,Dec 1994 *** "I interviewed a South Korean diplomat, in Seoul, just after former President Jimmy Carter's visit, and he described the moment when he knew that the crisis [the nuclear confrontation with North Korea] had passed. 'It was when the O.J. Simpson car chase began,' he said." James Fallows, "Did you have a good week: The new unit of political significance," The Atlantic Monthly, December, 1994: 32. *** You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. -- C.A. Beard *** My uncle ordered popovers from the restaurant's bill of fare. And, when they were served, he regarded them with a penetrating stare. Then he spoke great Words of Wisdom as he sat there on that chair: "To eat these things," said my uncle, "You must exercise great care. You may swallow down what's solid, BUT...you must spit out the air!" And as you partake of the world's bill of fare, that's darned good advice to follow. Do a lot of spitting out the hot air. And be careful what you swallow. -- Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss), from a commencement address *** It really makes me angry when people complain that I'm protecting the bad guys and then exactly the same people say that everybody has a right to carry a gun. There's no way a gun is a defence - everyone knows what they are really for - whereas what I've got is totally defensive. There is no reason to have a gun. -- Gavin Kogan, ex-rapper, whose company, earthians inc., designs and sells bulletproof clothing, responds to criticism of his firm's products *** Every time a football player goes to ply his trade he's got to play from the ground up - from the soles of his feet right up to his head. Every inch of him has to play. Some guys play with their heads. That's O.K. You've got to be smart to be number one in any business. But more importantly, you've got to play with your heart, with every fiber of your body. If you're lucky enough to find a guy with a lot of head and a lot of heart, he's never going to come off the field second. -- Vince Lombardi *** "As we say in French, the fish of personal identity has been drowned; it is destroyed." -- Eric Blondel, French philosopher, speaking 15 October 1994 at a conference celebrating the 150th anniversary of Nietzsche's birth, Allerton Park, Illinois. (Incidentally, despite the "as we say in French" this was one of very few sentences in his paper that was in fact entirely in English.) *** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The 9 Types of Boyfriends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk Advantages: Stays put; predictable Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict Advantages: Well rested; easy target Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt Disadvantages: May be having time of his life Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster Advantages: Perpetually aroused Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool Advantages: Tells good stories Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus" Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The 9 Types of Girlfriends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you *** Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. -- Lewis Lapham, in Money and Class in America (1988) *** On some days, you'll see some kid coming down the hall and start rocking to the tune that's playing, and you realize you don't feel like it. You know, you're busy, you're tired, you've got stuff to do - whatever. And the kid says, 'Come on!,' like it's uncool of you not to do it. That's when you know you're too old for MTV. -- 28-year-old executive at MTV contemplates mortality, The New Yorker *** The man, who has seen the rising moon break out of the clouds at midnight, has been present like an archangel at the creation of light and of the world. Ralph Waldo Emerson Everyone wants to understand painting. Why don't they try to understand the song of the birds? Why do they love a night, a flower, everything which surrounds man, without attempting to understand them? Whereas where painting is concerned, they want to understand. Pablo Picasso When the moon shall have faded out from the sky, and the sun shall shine at noonday a dull cherry red, and the seas shall be frozen over, and the icecap shall have crept downward to the equator from either pole . . . when all the cities shall have long been dead and crumbled into dust, and all life shall be on the last verge of extinction on this globe; then, on a bit of lichen, growing on the bald rocks beside the eternal snows of Panama, shall be seated a tiny insect, preening its antennae in the glow of the worn-out sun, the sole survivor of animal life on this our earth -- a melancholy bug. W. J. Holland ^SThe Math Book^T The day is done, and the darkness Falls from the wings of night, As a feather is wafted downward >From an eagle in his flight. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly...Suddenly I awoke...Now, I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming that I am a man. Chuang-Tzu Fear is a slinking cat I find Beneath the lilacs of my mind. Sophie Tunnel Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good. Alice May Brock The heart is a free and fetterless thing - A wave of the ocean, a bird on the wing. Julia Pardoe There is one kind of laugh that I always did recommend; it looks out of the eye first with a merry twinkle, then it creeps down on its hands and knees and plays around the mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze of a candle, then it steals over into the dimples of the cheeks and rides around in those whirlpools for a while, then it lights up the whole face like the mellow bloom on a damask rose, then it swims up on the air, with a peal as clear and as happy as a dinner-bell, then it goes back again on gold tiptoes like an angel out for an airing, and it lies down on its little bed of violets in the heart where it came from. Josh Billings What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset. Crowfoot (Blackfoot warrior and orator 1821-1890) What is life? A madness. What is life? An illusion, a shadow, a story. And the greatest good is little enough: for all life is a dream, and dreams themselves are only dreams. Pedro Calderon de la Barca *** To eradicate crime you've got to eradicate misery. You've got to shake down some of the big companies that are making a mint out of this country. Until people get a few basics like education there is no other exit than to turn to villainy. -- Ronnie Biggs, one of the perpetrators of the 1963 Great Train Robbery, on the economic ills of Brazil, his adopted home. *** Robert Benchley wrote an essay called "What College Did to Me". Here are some of the lessons learned. My college education was not planned haphazardly. Every course was selected with a very definite, serious purpose in mind - no classes until 11AM or after 2:30 in the afternoon, and no classes on Saturdays. Under Electives my schedule was somewhat as follows: M, W, F, The history of flowers and their meaning T,TH AM The social life of the Minor 16th Century Poets T, TH PM Songs and their cultural impact T, TH Midnight French 101 This was, of course, just one year's work. The next year I followed these courses with supplementary courses in the history of lace-making, russian taxation, and early Renaissance etchers. This gave me a general idea of the progress of civilization and certain practical knowledge. Here are some things that I learned: FRESHMAN YEAR 1. Charlemagne either died or was born or did something with the Holy Roman Empire in 800. 2. There is a double l in the middle of "parallel." 3. Powder rubbed on the chin will take the place of a shave if the room isn't very light. 4. French nouns ending in "aison" are feminine. 5. Almost everything you need to know about any subject is in the encyclopaedia. 6. A floating body displaces its own weight in the liquid in which it floats. 7. The chances are against filling an inside straight. 8. There is a law in economics called the Law of Diminishing Returns which means that after a certain margin is reached returns begin to diminish. 9. You begin tuning a mandolin with A and tune the other strings from that. SOPHOMORE YEAR 1. A good imitation of measles rash can be effected by stabbing the forearm with a stiff whisk-broom. 2. Queen Elizabeth was not above suspicion. 3. Nine-tenths of the girls in a girl's college are not pretty. 4. You can sleep undetected in a lecture course by resting the head on the hands as if shading the eyes. 5. Quite a respectable bun can be acquired by smoking three or four pipefuls of strong tobacco when you have no food in your stomach. 6. The ancient Phoenicians were really Jews, and got as far north as England where they operated tin mines. 7. You can get dressed much quicker in the morning if the night before when you are going to bed you take off your trousers and underdrawers at once, leaving the latter inside the former. JUNIOR YEAR 1. Emerson left his pastorate because he had some argument about communion. 2. All women are untrustworthy. 3. Pushing your arms back as far as they will go fifty times each day increases your chest measurements. 4. Marcus Aurelius had a son who turned out to be a bad boy. 5. Eight hours of sleep are not necessary. 6. Heraclitus believed that fire was the basis of all life. 7. It is not necessarily effeminate to drink tea. SENIOR YEAR 1. A dinner coat looks better than full dress. 2. Six hours of sleep are not necessary. 3. Bicarbonate of soda taken before retiring makes you feel better the next day. 4. You needn't be fully dressed if you wear a cap and gown to a nine o'clock recitation. *** It's amazing where capitalism has boomed in the last couple of years. First the Eastern Bloc, and now the last bastion of socialism -- the Internet itself," says the chairman of Delphi Internet Services Corp. -- (Information Week 10/24/94 p.8) Stop thinking about it as the 'information superhighway' and start thinking about it as the 'marketing superhighway.' Doesn't it sound better already? -- Don Logan, president and CEO of Time Inc., addressing the 85th annual meeting of the Association of National Advertisers. [NY Times, 10/18/94, p D22] *** Nothing is worse than majority, it consists of a few leaders, some rouges who adapts, the weak who assimilates, and the great masses who follows far behind, knowing not what they want. -- Goethe *** ... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" *** I have a private definition of beauty. It goes: the beauty of a person is directly proportional to the happiness he or she brings... Those with the pattern of features called "beautiful" will grow less beautiful with age; as skin wrinkles and eyes dim and features fade, only the inner beauty is left. Those who possess that beauty never grow old, but they shine all the more graciously as the superficial sophistry of plane and curve collapses... -- Hjl3525@aol.com, Quotations Digest 185 *** I'm not the one who made the world what it is today I'm not the one who caused the problems started long ago But now I deal with all the consequence that troubles our times I carry on and never once have even questioned why I'm innocent But the weight of the world is on my shoulders I'm innocent But the battles started are far from over [etc.] -- Robert Harley quoting Offspring *** "It seems to me the book has not just aesthetic values -- the charming little clothy box of the thing, the smell of the glue, even the print, which has its own beauty. But there's something about the sensation of ink on paper that is in some sense a thing, a phenomenon rather than an epiphenomenon. I can't break the association of electric trash with the computer screen. Words on the screen give the sense of being just another passing electronic wriggle," says author John Updike. -- Atlantic Monthly, 9/94, p.61 *** If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world, and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. -- E.B. White *** I know that I am mortal by nature and ephemeral; but when I trace, at my pleasure, the windings to and fro of the heavenly bodies I no longer touch earth with my feet; I stand in the presence of Zeus, himself, and take my fill of ambrosia -- Claudius Ptolemy *** "Retirement of an old friend" My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out, What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout. Time was when of it's own accord, From trousers it would spring, But now I have a full time job To find the bloody thing. It used to be embarassing, The way it would behave For every sinle morning, It would stand and watch me shave. As my old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues, To see it hang it's withered head And watch me tie my shoes. *** Savor a deadline; it is merely an excuse to stay up all night. A marketing bird! He tells me, tells me, and then tells me what he told me. Sunset is never ensnared in a choice between cost and quality. - William Warriner _101 Corporate Haiku_ (Addison-Wesley) *** John Sununu, then governor of New Hampshire: You're telling us that the reason things are so bad is that they are so good, and they will get better as soon as they get worse? James A. Baker, then Secretary of the Treasury: You got it. *** The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner, and murdering a government poultry inspector. -- Knight Ridder News Service *** If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world, and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. -- E.B. White *** If a man is called a streetsweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great streetsweeper who did his job well. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. Strive for perfection in everything you do. Take the best that exists and make it better. When it does not exist, design it. Accept nothing nearly right or good enough. -- Sir Frederick Henry Royce (founder of Rolls-Royce Motors) If a man writes a better book, preaches a better sermon, or makes a better mouse trap than his neighbor, though he builds his house in the woods, the world will make a beaten path to his door. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson *** Birth is a beginning and death a destination. And life is a journey: from childhood to maturity, and youth to age; from innocence to awareness, and ignorance to knowing; from foolishness to discretion, and then, perhaps, to wisdom; from wisdom to strength, or strength to weakness--- and, often, back again; from health to sickness and back, we pray, to health again; from offense to forgiveness, from loneliness to love, from joy to gratitude, from pain to compassion, and grief to understanding-- from fear to faith; from defeat to defeat to defeat-- until, looking backward or ahead, we see that victory lies not at some place along the way, but in having made the journey, stage by stage, a sacred pilgimage. Birth is a beginning and death a destination. And life is a journey, a sacred pilgimage-- to life everlasting. -- A meditation from the New Union Prayerbook for the Days of Awe *** A Fence or an Ambulance Original by Joseph Malins 'Twas a dangerous cliff, and it fair scared folks stiff, But the view from the top was so pleasant, That they swallowed their fear, and there crashed down each year Full many a squire and peasant. "Something's got to be done.", said the people as one, But answers did not at all tally. Some said, "Put a fence 'round the edge of the cliff." Some, "An ambulance down in the valley!" Debate raged and stormed, and a Study was formed, And they might have been arguing yet, But a solution was found: "Let's pass the hat 'round, And see how much money we get." A collection was made to accumulate aid, And dwellers in byway and alley Gave pounds, shillings and pence - not to furnish a fence But an ambulance down in the valley. "For the cliff is all right if you're careful," they said; "And if folks ever slip and are dropping, It isn't the slipping that hurts them so much As the shock down below - when they're stopping." So for years (you'll have heard) as these mishaps occurred Quick forth would the rescuers sally, To pick up the victims who fell from the cliff, With the ambulance down in the valley. Then an old sage remarked: "It's a marvel to me That people give far more attention To repairing results than to stopping the cause, When they'd much better aim at prevention. Let us stop at its source all this mischief," cried he, "Come, neighbors and friends let us rally, If the cliff we will fence we might almost dispense With the ambulance down in the valley." "He is wrong in his head," the majority said; "He would end all our earnest endeavor. He's a man who would shirk this responsible work But we will support it forever. Aren't we picking up all, just as fast as they fall, In giving them care we don't dally? It's plain that a fence is of no consequence, If the ambulance works in the valley." (Original text from _The Best Loved Poems of the American People_, selected by Hazel Felleman, Garden City, New York, Garden City Books, 1936) *** What P.T. Barnum earned by convincing everybody in the nation that they just _had_ to buy a ticket to see Jumbo the elephant amounts to peanuts compared to the billions that Bill Gates of Microsoft has taken in from sales of Windows, a big, expensive, and (in its early versions) clunky imitation of the Macintosh graphical user interface. What made so many people rush to buy Windows? Gates made it seem like the only relief in sight from the cumbersome DOS program he had foisted upon his customers in the first place. -- Theodore Roszak, in his book, The Cult of Information *** When Elvis Presley died in 1977, there were 37 Elvis impersonators in the world. Today there are 48,000. If the current trend continues, by the year 2010, one of every three people in the world will be an Elvis impersonator. *** One autumn, a long time ago in a far-away land, the harvest was brought in and was found to be poisonous. Those who ate of it became insane. "We have no choice," said the King. "We must eat the grain to survive, but there must be those among us who will remember that we are insane." *** Well, science is the theology of our times, and like the old theology it's a muddle of conflicting assertions. What gripes my gut is that is has such a miserable vocabulary and such a pallid pack of images to offer to us -- to the humble laity -- for our edification and our faith. The old priest in his black robe gave us things that seemed to have concrete existence; you prayed to the Mother of God and somebody had given you an image that looked just right for the Mother of God. The new priest in his whitish lab-coat gives you nothing at all except a constantly changing vocabulary which he -- because he usually doesn't know any Greek -- can't pronounce, and you are expected to trust him implicitly because he knows what you are too dumb to comprehend. It's the most overweening, pompous priesthood mankind has ever endured in all its recorded history, and its lack of symbol and metaphor and its zeal for abstraction drive mankind to a barren land of starved imagination. -- Simon Darcourt, in Robertson Davies' "What's Bred in the Bone" *** A low self-love in the parent desires that his child should repeat his character and fortune. I suffer whenever I see that common sight of a parent or senior imposing his opinion and way of thinking and being on a young soul to which he is totally unfit. Cannot we let people be themselves, and enjoy life in their own way? You are trying to make another you. One's enough. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson *** Economists are never as confident or as dogmatic when they are giving advice to developing countries. From the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund, to say nothing of Washington's think tanks, pour forth the encyclicals and injunctions: Open your markets to foreign capital and goods. Respect intellectual-property rights. Pay your debts. Deregulate your domestic markets. Dismantle your state planning agencies and trust in the benevolence of the invisible hand. This advice has only one disadvantage: it doesn't work and never has. No country that has successfully developed has ever followed this path. Countries that eschew the laws of laissez-faire perform demonstrably better than countries that embrace it. This has been true from the start of the Industrial Revolution, and it is true today. Even nineteenth-century Britain and America, portrayed in economic lore as the most virtuously laissez-faire of rising economies, were never free traders. Britain developed its infant industries behind the walls of high tariffs and a tight technical embargo. It was illegal to export blueprints of textile machinery. Britain did not begin to embrace the god of the invisible hand until its own industries had achieved technological supremacy. -- Walter Russell Mead *** "Did you learn how to think or how to believe?" -- father of consumer advocate Ralph Nader, who asked the young Nader this while questioning him on what he had learned in school one day. Nader describes this as a seminal event in leading him to become a critic of corporate and government policies. (from an interview with Ralph Nader by David Barsamian) *** Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions: "I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting." *** If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say: meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it, and had better be on speaking terms with it. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes *** Over mountains, over trees, Over oceans, over seas, Across the desert, I'll be there. In a whisper on the wind, On the smile of a new friend, Just think of me and I'll be there. -- The Escape Club *** Over the next decade or so the tulip became a popular but expensive item in Dutch gardens. Many of these flowers succumbed to a nonfatal virus known as mosaic. It was this mosaic that helped to trigger the wild speculation in tulip bulbs. The virus caused the tulip petals to develop contrasting colored stripes or "flames." The Dutch valued highly these infected bulbs, called "bizarres." In a short time, popular taste dictated that the more bizzare a bulb, the greater the cost of owning it. -- Burton G. Malkiel in _A Random Walk Down Wall Street_, 1990 *** Psychiatry as practiced by some of today's itinerant experts-for-hire is this century's alchemy. No, that is unfair to alchemists, who were confused but honest. -- George F. Will _Washington Post_ June 23, 1982 as quoted in Low, et. al. _The Trial of John Hinckley, Jr.: A Case Study in the Insanity Defense_ 1986: 132-3. *** We must somehow believe that unearned suffering is redemptive. We must accept finite diappointment, but never lose infinite hope. Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a permanent attitude. Shattered dreams are a hallmark of our mortal life. Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it. Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. We must work passionately and indefatigably to bridge the gulf between our scientific progress and our moral progress. One of the great problems of mankind is that we suffer from a proverty of the spirit which stands in glaring contrast to our scientific and technological abundance. The richer we have become materially, the poorer we have become morally and spiritually. Many people fear nothing more terribly than to take a position which stands out sharply and clearly from the prevailing opinion. The tendency of most is to adopt a view that is so ambigious that it will include everything and so popular that it will include everybody. Not a few men who cherish lofty and noble ideas hide them under a bushel for fear of being called different. -- Martin Luther King, Jr. *** The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson *** In the end more than they wanted freedom, they wanted security. When the Athenians finally wanted not to give to society but for society to give to them, when the freedom they wished for was freedom from responsibility, then Athens ceased to be free. -- Edward Gibbon (1737 - 1794) *** When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or a hamster, with things about it that you're dissatisfied with and anxious to fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping. This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better. You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without the almost certain risk of setting off disastrous events that you hadn't counted on in other, remote parts. If you want to fix something you are first obliged to understand, in detail, the whole system, and for very large systems you can't do this without a very large computer. Even then, the safest course seems to be to stand by and wring hands, but not to touch. Intervening is a way of causing trouble. -- Lewis Thomas, from the essay "On Meddling" in the collection "The Medusa and the Snail", The Viking Press, New York, 1979: *** Beavis & Butthead do not cause fires; stupid people do. Role-playing games does not cause mass cultish suicides; stupid people do. Homosexuality does not lead to societal and moral decay; stupid people do. God does not condemn or place false blame on these things; stupid people do. Help stop stupidity in this society. Learn to friggin think! Or remain a hairless ignorant ape! -- Kevin Elmore *** I like nonsense -- it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope...and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities. -- Theodor S. Geisel a.k.a. Dr. Seuss from "In Search of Dr. Seuss" *** Is it thy will thy image should keep open My heavy eyelids to the weary night? Dost thou desire my slumer should be broken, While shadows like to thee do mock my sight? -- William Shakespeare Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all to short a day. -- William Shakespeare *** In every one of those little stucco boxes there's some poor bastard who's never free except when he's fast asleep and dreaming that he's got the boss down the bottom of a well and is bunging lumps of coal at him. -- George Orwell *** "Well," said Pooh, "what I like best--" and then he had to stop and think. Because although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. -- A.A. Milne *** INVICTUS Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. -- William Ernest Henley *** What are the facts? Again and again and again -- what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what "the stars foretell", avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable "verdict of history" -- what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? We are all piloting into an uncertain future; facts are our single clue. Get the facts! -- from the Notebooks of Lazarus Long (Robert Heinlein) *** Superiority to Fate Is difficult to gain 'Tis not conferred of Any But possible to earn A pittance at a time Until to Her surprise The Soul with strict economy Subsist till Paradise. -- Emily Dickinson *** Who knows how to make love stay? 1. Tell love you are going to Junior's Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn to pick up a cheesecake, and if love stays, it can have half. It will stay. 2. Tell love you want a momento of it and obtain a lock if its hair. Burn the hair in a dime-store incense burner with yin/yang symbols on three sides. Face southwest. Talk fast over the burning hair in a convincingly exotic language. Remove the ashes of the burnt hair and use them to paint a mustache on your face. Find love. Tell it you are someone new. It will stay. 3. Wake love up in the middle of the night. Tell it the world on fire. Dash to the bedroom window and pee out of it. Casually return to bed and assure love that everything is going to be all right. Fall asleep. Love will be there in the morning. -- Tom Robbins *** Many great scientist had worked for many years build- ing a giant computer, and had spent many months feeding data to it. Finally they were ready to ask it a question. Into the machine they typed: "Is there a GOD?" The computer whirred and typed its answer: "There is now." *** Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye. It hurts like the blazes and makes you make faces and you can't let your mates see you cry. Life seems two-dimensional, quite unconventional, no bleeding need to ask why. Being a pirate is all fun and games, 'til somebody loses an eye. But it's all part of being a pirate. You can't be a pirate (you can't be, you can't be) With all of your parts. It's all part of being a pirate. You can't be a pirate (you can't be a pirate) With all of your parts. -- Saskatchewan singer Don Freed from his song, "Being a Pirate" (on his tape "Live ARR!" on Bushleague Records) *** The following errata sheet was included with material shipped by the Particle Data Group, Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory: The "centimeters" on the ruler on p. 227 of the Booklet are 0.97 long, because: a) The booklet was returned from the printer at 0.25 times the speed of light; b) A theorist is in charge of the Particle Data Group; c) The PDG feels it has the right to redefine anything it wants; d) There is a general decline of standards; e) There was an international conspiracy; f) It was a congressionally-mandated cost-saving measure; g) PDG gives you more cm/inch than anyone else. *** The caged bird sings with a fearful trill of things unknown but longed for still and his tune is heard on the distant hill for the caged bird sings of freedom. -- Maya Angelou (from "Caged Bird") Here, on the pulse of this new day You may have the grace to look up and out And into your sister's eyes, and into Your brother's face, your country And say simply very simply with hope -- Good morning. -- Maya Angelou (from: "On the Pulse of Morning") *** Youth is not entirely a time of life; it is a state of mind. Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. People grow old by deserting their ideals. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. -- Gen. Douglas Mac Arthur *** Touch the earth, love the earth, honor the earth: her plains, her valleys, her hills, and her seas; rest your spirit in her solitary places. -- Henry Beston *** --In Germany, the Nazis came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because I was not a Communist. Then they came for the Jews and I didn't speak up because I was not a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists and I didn't speak up because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics and I was a Protestant so I didn't speak up. Then they came for me... By that time there was no one to speak up for anyone.-- Pastor Martin Niemoller (1892-1984) --I felt nothing, nothing but fear; I could neither eat nor sleep - fear clawed at my mind and body and shook me.-- Anne Frank (1929-1945, murdered, Belsen Concentration Camp.) Tales from the secret annex, 'Fear' 25 Mar 1944 --All those who are not racially pure are mere chaff.-- Adolf Hitler (Mein Kamf, Ch 6) --I herewith commission you to carry out all preperations with regard to...the //total solution// of the jewish question in those territories of Europe which are under German influence-- Herman Goering (18993-1946)(Instruction to Heidrich, 31 Jul. 1941 Quoted in Shirrer, W. The rise and fall of the Third Reich.) [Slashes indicate itallics, emphasis in original, N.W.] --Another improvement that we made... was that we built our gas-chambers to accomadate two thousand people at one time.-- Rudolf Hoess (Commandant of Auschwitz. Affidavit. Quoted in Bullock, A. Hitler: A study in tyranny. Ch 12) --Whenever books are burned men also in the end are burned.-- Heinrich Heine (1797-1856) Almansor. *** Furniture will be a largely obsolete concept. Take for example the dresser my mom bought for me when I was a kid. I still have it, and by the standards of its era, it's an admirable household fixture. It is a massive construction of maple wood, expertly joined with cunningly fit pieces, fitted and glued with the strength of iron. It is set with massive brass fixtures, and looks today--discounting the dust--as new as the day it was purchased, a quarter century ago. So far, so good; a fine piece of furniture, you might say. But let's look at it objectively, as a machine, as an object with a purpose. Here sit a hundred pounds of hardwood with a compressive strength of 1500 psi, jointed by an expert craftsman into a rigid box that would easily support a bull elephant. And what is the sole purpose of this massive crate, this monument to a dead tree?--it holds my socks. Not only is it blind engineering overkill of epic proportions, it is also an environmental disaster. The home to generations of squirrels, a sentinel post for falcons, an autumnal banner of golden glory, a living creature, was chopped down to enshrine some underwear. This, my friends, is no way to run a planet." -- author Marshall T. Savage, from The Millennial Project: Colonizing the Galaxy--In Eight Easy Steps *** There are times in life when the question of knowing if one can think differently than one thinks, and perceive differently than one sees, is absolutely necessary if one is to go on looking and thinking at all. But then, what is philosophy today -- philosophical activity, I mean -- if it is not the critical work that thought brings to bear on itself? In what does it consist, if not in the endeavor to know how and to what extent it might be possible to think differently, instead of legitimating what is already known? ...if we assume that philosophy is still what it was in times past, i.e., an "ascesis," _askesis_, an exercise of oneself in the activity of thought. -- Michel Foucault, _The Use of Pleasure_ *** It is certainly a curious thing, quite worthy of intriguing a philosopher, this capacity that men have for being unaware of their limits, their _rarity_, for not seeing that there is emptiness around them, for believing every time that they are comfortably established in the plenitude of reason. -- Paul Veyne, French Historian *** Wisdom has built her house, she has hewn her seven pillars. She has slaughtered her animals, she has mixed her wine, she has also set her table. She has sent out her servant girls, she calls from the highest places in the town, "You that are simple, turn in here!" To those without sense she says, "Come eat of my bread and drink of the wine I have mixed. Lay aside immaturity, and live, and walk in the way of insight." -- Proverbs 9:1-6 *** Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be. -- William Hazlitt in his essay "On Wit and Humour" in _English_Comic_Writers_ (1819) *** Our purpose is to consciously, and deliberately evolve toward a wiser, more liberated and luminous state of being; to return to Eden, make friends with the snake, and set up our computers among the apple trees. Deep down. we are all aware that some kind of mystical evolution is our true task. Yet, we suppress the notion with considerable force because to admit it is to admit that most of our political gyrations, religioua dogmas, social ambitions and financial ploys are not merely counterproductive, but trivial. Our mission is to jettison those pointless preoccupations and take on, once again, the primordial cargo of inexhaustible ecstacy. Or, barring that, to work together to turn out a good juicy cheeseburger and a strong glass of beer. -- Tom Robbins *** I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips *** 1. Existence. The world we live in contains an abundance of things, events, processes. There are trees, dogs, sunrises; there are clouds, thunderstorms, divorces; there is justice, beauty, love; there are the lives of people, gods, cities, of the entire universe. It is impossible to enumerate and to describe in detail all the incidents that happen to an individual in the course of a single boring day. [...] I'd never been on a farm, amd I am not even sure which are begonias, dahlias, or petunias. Plants, like algebra, have a habit of looking alike and being different, or habit of looking different and being alike; consequently mathematics and botany confuse me. -- Paul Feyerabend - Farewell to Reason, Chapter 3, page 104 *** Prelude by T.S. Eliot ------- The winter's evening settles down to smells of steaks in passageways. Six o'clock; the burnt-out ends of smoky days. And now a gusty shower wraps the grimy scraps of withered leaves across your feet, and newpapers from vacant lots; the showers beat on empty blinds and chimny-pots. And at the corner of the street, a lonely cab-horse steams and stamps; and then the lighting of the lamps. --------- The morning comes to consciousness of faint stale smells of beer from the sawdust-trampled street with all the muddy feet that press to early coffee-stands. With the other masquerades that time resumes, you think of all the hands that are raising dingy shades in a thousand furnished rooms. --------- You tossed a blanket from the bed; you lay upon your back, and waited; you dozed, and watched the night revealing the thousand sordid images of which your soul is constituted; they flickered against the ceiling. And when all the world came back and the light crept up between the shutters and you heard the sparrows in the gutters you had such a vision of the street as the street hardly understands; sitting along the bed's edge, where you curled the papers from your hair and clasped the yellowed soles of feet in the palms of both soiled hands. --------- Its soul stretched tight across the skies that fade behind a city block, or trampled by insistent feet at four and five and six o'clock, and short square fingers stuffing pipes and evening newspapers, and eyes assured of certain certainties: The conscience of a blackened street impatient to assume the world. I am moved by fancies that are curled around these images, and cling; the notion of some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing. --------- Wipe your hand across your mouth and laugh. The worlds revolve like ancient women, gathering fuel in vacant lots. *** It was cold, and he was coughing. A fine cold draught blew over the knoll. He thought of the woman. Now he would have given all he had or ever might have to hold her warm in his arms, both of them wrapped in one blanket, and sleep. All hopes of eternity and all gain from the past he would have given to have her there, to be wrapped warm with him in one blanket, and sleep, only sleep. It seemed the sleep with the woman in his arms was the only necessity. He went to the hut, and wrapped himself in the blanket and lay on the floor to sleep. But he could not, he was cold. [...] He wanted her, to touch her, to hold her fast against him in one moment of completeness and sleep. He got up again and went out, towards the park gates this time: then slowly along the path towards the house. It was nearly four o'clock, still clear and cold, but no sign of dawn. He was so used to the dark, he could see well. Slowly, slowly the great house drew him, as a magnet. He wanted to be near her. It was not desire, not that. It was the cruel sense of unfinished aloneness, that needed a silent woman folded in his arms. Perhaps he could find her. Perhaps he could even call her out to him: or find some way in to her. For the need was imperious. -- from _Lady Chatterly's Lover *** KUBLA KHAN (OR, A VISION IN A DREAM A FRAGMENT) by Samuel Taylor Coleridge In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree: Where Alph, the sacred river, ran Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea. So twice five miles of fertile ground With walls and towers were girdled round: And here were gardens bright with sinuous rills, Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; And here were forests ancient as the hills, Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover! A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething, As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing, A mighty fountain momently was forced: Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail, Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail: And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever It flung up momently the sacred river. Five miles meandering with a mazy motion Through wood and dale the sacred river ran, Then reached the caverns measureless to man, And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean: And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far Ancestral voices prophesying war! The shadow of the dome of pleasure Floated midway on the waves; Where was heard the mingled measure From the fountain and the caves, It was a miracle of rare device, A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice! A damsel with a dulcimer In a vision once I saw: It was an Abyssinian maid, And on her dulcimer she played, Singing of Mount Abora. Could I revive within me Her symphony and song, To such a deep delight 'twould win me, That with music loud and long, I would build that dome in air, That sunny dome! those caves of ice! And all who heard should see them there, And all should cry, Beware! Beware! His flashing eyes, his floating hair! Weave a circle round him thrice, And close your eyes with holy dread, For he on honey-dew hath fed, And drunk the milk of Paradise. *** I wish I could forget you Erase you from my mind But ever since I met you I find I cannot leave the thought of you behind That doesn't mean I love you I wish that I could love you I know that I've upset you I know I've been unkind I wanted you to vanish from sight But now I see you in a different light And though I cannot love you I wish that I could love you For now I'm seeing love Like none I've ever known A love as pure as breath As permanent as death Implacable as stone A love that like a knife Has cut into a life I wanted left alone A love I may regret But one I can't forget I don't know how I let you So far inside my mind But there you are and there you will stay How could I ever wish you away I see now I was blind And should you die tomorrow Another thing I see Your love will live in me -- Passion, Stephen Sondheim *** THE OTHER FROG PRINCE Once upon a time there was a frog. One day when he was siting on his lily pad, he saw a beautiful princess sitting by the pond. he hopped in the water, swam over to her, and poked his head out of the weeds. "Pardon me, O beautiful princess," he said in his most sad and pathetic voice. "I wonder if you could help me." The princess was about to jump up and run, but she felt sorry for the frog with the sad and pathetic voice. So she asked, "What can I do to help you, little frog?" "Well," said the frog. "I'm not really a frog, but a handsome prince who was turned into a frog by a wicked witch's spell. And the spell can only be broken by the kiss of a beautiful princess." The princess thought about this for a second, then lifted the frog from the pond and kissed him. "I was just kidding," said the frog. He jumped back into the pond, and the princess wiped the frog slime from her lips. *** THE REALLY UGLY DUCKLING Once upon a time, there was a mother duck and a father duck who had seven baby ducklings. Six of them were regular-looking ducks. The seventh was a really ugly duckling. Everyone used to say, "What a nice looking bunch of ducks- all except that one. Boy, he's really ugly." The really ugly duckling heard these people, but he didn't care. He knew that one day he would probably grow up to be a swan and be bigger and look better than anything in the pond. Well, as it turned out, he was just a really ugly duckling. And he grew up to be just a really ugly duck. *** THE PRINCESS AND THE BOWLING BALL Once upon a time, there was a Prince. And this Prince's dad and mom (the King and Queen) somwhow got it into their royal heads that no Princess would be good enough for their boy unless she could feel a pea through one hundred mattresses. So it came as no surprise that the Prince had a very hard time finding a Princess. Every time he met a girl, his mom and dad would pile one hundred mattresses on top of a pea and then invite her to sleep over. When the Princess came down for breakfast, the Queen would ask, "How did you sleep, dear?" The Princess would politely say, "Fine, thank you." And the King would show her the door. Now this went on for years. And of course nobody ever felt the pea under one hundred mattresses. then one day the Prince met the girl of his dreams. He decided he better do something about it. That night, before the Princess went to bed, the Prince slipped his bowling ball under the one hundred mattresses. When the Princess came down for breakfast the next morning, the Queen asked, "How did you sleep, dear?" "This might seem odd," said the Princess, "but I think you need another mattress. I felt like I was sleeping on a lump as big as a bowling ball." The King and the Queen were satisfied. The Prince and the Princess were married. And everyone lived happily, though maybe not completely honestly, ever after. *** We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true. -- Woodrow Wilson *** Cherish your visions and your dreams as they are the children of your soul; the blue prints of your ultimate achievements. -- Napoleon Hill *** You're in the midst of a war: a battle between the limits of a crowd seeking the surrender of your dreams, and the power of your true vision to create and contribute. It is a fight between those who will tell you what you cannot do, and that part of you that knows - and has always known - that we are more than our environment; and that a dream, backed by an unrelenting will to attain it, is truly a reality with an imminent arrival. -- Anthony Robbins *** Goals are dreams with deadlines. -- Diana Scharf Hunt *** If one advances confidently in the direction of their dreams, and endeavors to lead a life which they have imagined, they will meet with a success enexpected in common hours. -- Henry David Thoreau *** The best day, today; The best play, work; The greatest puzzle, life; The greatest thought, God; The greatest mystery, death; The best work, work you like; The greatest mistake, giving up; The most ridiculous asset, pride; The greatest need, common sense; The most dangerous person, a liar; The best town, where you succeed; The most expensive indulgence, hate; The greatest invention of the devil, war; The most disagreeable person, the complainer; The greatest secret of production, saving waste; The best teacher, one who makes you want to learn; The biggest fool, the boy who will not go to school; The greatest deceiver, the one who deceives himself; The worst bankrupt, the soul who has lost enthusiasm; The cheapest, easiest and most stupid thing to do, finding fault; The cleverest man, the one who always does what he thinks is right; The greatest bore, one who keeps talking after he has made his point; The greatest comfort, the knowledge that you have done your work well; The most agreeable companion, the one that would not have you any different than you are; The meanest feeling of which any human being is capable, feeling envious of another's success; The greatest thing, bar none, in the world, love -- love for family, home, friends, neighbors and for the land in which we enjoy our freedom. -- Earl Nightingale's Motivational Moments *** ...it also occurred to me that my version of a happy life was Frank Capra's vision of a tragic hell. When he wrote It's a Wonderful Life and was inventing the worst possible fate for the Donna Reed character in the event that the Jimmy Stewart character had never been born, he showed her looking well-groomed and fit, in a smart little two-piece suit, headed home after a long day of work. The first time I saw this, I thought to myself, "Hmm. Interesting. Apparently Mary did okay all by herself." That was before I realized that Frank Capra was forcing her to wear a slightly dorky-looking hat in order to warn us that he felt something was terribly wrong with this picture. And seconds later, a horror music sting accompanying the narrative clearly indicates how Frank Capra regarded the destiny he assigned her. `What became of Mary?' Jimmy Stewart asks the angel. `She never married,' replies the angel, his voice quaking with emotion as though he were about to reveal that she'd been beaten to death with a rake. `There she is now. She's closing up the library!!' Frank Capra's vision of a woman with no reason to live: all dressed up in a suit, on her way home to an empty house, and, worst of all, condemned to make very bad hat choices. Wow. Talk about a waking nightmare. Here I thought my life was okay and whoops, silly me...turns out I'm actually a resident of hell. -- Merrill Markoe, How to Be Hap-Hap-Happy Like Me *** Any vagabond babbler or unacknowledged genius, any enterprising tradesman, with his own money or with the money of others, may found a newspaper, even a great newspaper. He may attract a host of writers, ready to deliver judgment on any subject at a moment's notice; he may hire illiterate reporters to keep him supplied with rumors and scandals. His staff is then complete. From that day he sits in judgement on all the world, on ministers and administrators, on literature and art, on finance and industry. -- K.P. Pobyedonostseff, Reflections of a Russian Statesman Translated by Robert Long *** i do not like my state of mind i'm bitter, querulous, unkind i hate my legs, i hate my hands i do not yearn for lovelier lands i dread the dawn's recurrent light i hate to go to bed at night i snoot at simple, earnest folk i cannot take the gentlest joke i find no peace in paint or type my world is but a lot of tripe i'm disillusioned, empty-breasted for what i think, i'd be arrested i am not sick, i am not well my quondam dreams are shot to hell my soul is crushed, my spirit sore i do not like me anymore i cavil, quarrel, grumble grouse i ponder on the narrow house i shudder at the thought of men... i'm due to fall in love again -- dorothy parker *** Most people have learned how to live in the moment. The argument goes that if the past has uncertain effect on the present, there is no need to dwell on the past. And if the present has little effect on the future, present actions need not be weighed for their consequence. Rather, each act is an island in time, to be judged on it's own. Families comfort a dying uncle not because of a likely inhertance, but because he is loved at that moment. Employees are hired not because of their resumes, but because of their good sense in interviews. Clerks trampled by their bosses fight back at each insult, with no fear for their futures. It is a world of sincerity. It is a world in which every word spoken speaks just to that moment, every glance given has only one meaning, each touch has no past or no future, each kiss is a kiss of immediacy. -- Einstein's Dreams *** All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was....I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have born with: That I am nobody but myself. -- Ralph Ellison, _Invisible Man_ *** "In Western lands beneath the Sun the flowers may rise in Spring, the trees may bud, the waters run, the merry finches sing. Or there maybe 'tis cloudless night and swaying beeches bear the Elven-stars as jewels white amid their branching hair. Though here at journey's end I lie in darkness buried deep, beyond all towers strong and high, beyond all mountains steep, above all shadows rides the Sun and Stars for ever dwell: I will not say the Day is done, nor bid the Stars farewell." -- J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings *** A GUIDE FOR LIFE AND WORK Collected Quotations from Laurance G. Boldt's excellent book _ZEN AND THE ART OF MAKING A LIVING_ Keyed in by Jason Newquist (all typos are his, jrnewquist@ucdavis.edu) To remain caught up in ideas and words about Zen is, as the old masters say, to "stink of Zen." ALAN WATTS Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life. HERBERT OTTO The beginning is the most important part of the work. PLATO Our demons are out own limitations, which shut us off from the realization of the ubiquity of the spirit...each of these demons is conquered in a vision quest. JOSEPH CAMPBELL If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track, which has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. JOSEPH CAMPBELL The hours of folly are measured by the clock; but of wisdom, no clock can measure. WILLIAM BLAKE Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. WILL ROGERS Come out of the circle of time, and into the circle of love. RUMI It is preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else, that prevents us from living freely and nobly. BERTRAND RUSSELL This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it. EMERSON What each must seek in his life never was on land or sea. It is something out of his own unique potentiality for experience, something that never has been and never could have been experienced by anyone else. JOSEPH CAMPBELL Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T. S. ELIOT Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ANAIS NIN Know the masculine, Keep to the feminine. LAO TZU Nothing divides one so much as thought. REGINALD BLYTH O, Heart, remember thee that Man is none, save One. COVENTRY PATMORE We are kept out of the Garden by our own fear and desire in relation to what we think to be the goods of our life. JOSPEH CAMPBELL Artists in each of the arts seek after and care for nothing but love. MARSILIO FICINO The Whole Business of Man is the Arts, & All Things Common. William Blake Art is the proper task of life. FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE The most awkward means are adequate to the communication of authentic experience, and the finest words no compensation for lack of it. It is for this reason that we are moved by the true Primitives and that the most accomplished art craftsmanship leaves us cold. ANANDA K. COOMARASWAMY The purpose of the whole (work) is to remove those who are living in this life from a state of wretchedness and lead them to the state of blessedness. DANTE Industry without art is brutality. ANANDA K. COOMARASWAMY For, in order to turn the individual into a function of the State, his dependence on anything beside the State must be taken from him. CARL JUNG When nations grow old, the arts grow cold and commerce settles on every tree. WILLIAM BLAKE Technology is destructive only in the hands of people who do not realize that they are one and the same process as the universe. ALAN WATTS Thus, those who say they would have right without its correlate, wrong; or good government without its correlate, misrule, do not apprehend the great principles of the universe, nor the nature of all creation. CHUANG TZU A man is related to all nature. EMERSON Knowledge has three degrees--opinion, science, illumination. The means or instrument of the first is sense; of the second, dialectic; of the third, intuition. PLOTINUS The Man who never in his Mind and Thoughts travel'd to Heaven is No Artist. WILLIAM BLAKE The religious idea of God cannot do full duty for the metaphysical infinity. ALAN WATTS Where the spirit does not work with the hand there is no art. LEONARDO DA VINCI The greatest productions of art, whether painting, music, sculpture or poetry, have invariably this quality--something approaching the work of God. D. T. SUZUKI The human mind cannot go beyond the gift of God, the Holy Ghost. To suppose that art can go beyond the finest specimens of art that are now in the world is not knowing what art is; it is being blind to the gifts of the spirit. WILLIAM BLAKE All that is true, by whomsoever it has been said has its origin in the Spirit. THOMAS AQUINAS Can it really be said that before the day of our pretentious science, humanity was composed solely of imbiciles and the superstitious? R.A. SCHWALLER DE LUBICZ Mythology is the womb of man's initiation to life and death. JOSPEH CAMPBELL I am in you and you in me, mutual in divine love. WILLIAM BLAKE We begin from the recognition that all beings cherish happiness and so not want suffering. It them becomes both morally wrong and pragmatically unwise to pursue only one's own happiness oblivious to the feelings and aspirations of all others who surround us as members of the same human family. The wiser sourse is to think of others when pursuing our own happiness. THE FOURTEENTH DALAI LAMA If all men lead mechanical, unpoetical lifes, this is the real nihilism, the real undoing of the world. REGINALD BLYTH I think the person who takes a job in order to live--that is to say, for the money--has turned himself into a slave. JOSEPH CAMPBELL A craft will only have meaning when it serves a spiritual way. TITUS BURKHARDT Thoroughly to know oneself, is above all art, for it is the highest art. THEOLOGIA GERMANICA Let everything be allowed to do what it naturally does, so that its nature will be satisfied. CHUANG TZU Follow that will and that way which experience confirms to be your own. CARL JUNG Art always has something of the Unconscious about it. D. T. SUZUKI It is the natural instinct of a child to work from within outwards; "First I think, and then I draw my think." What wasted efforts we make to teach the child to stop thinking, and only to observe! ANANDA K. COOMARASWAMY Facts, to become poetic, must be fused with being. GERALD SKYES To know oneself, one should assert oneself. ALBERT CAMUS I must create a System or be enslaved by another man's. WILLIAM BLAKE Is not the core of nature in the heart of man? GOETHE But then if I do not strive, who will? CHUANG TZU One way or another, we all have to find what best fosters the flowering of our humanity in this contemporary life, and dedicate ourselves to that. JOSEPH CAMPBELL Desires are just termed Truth. Without desires, Truth cannot be understood. HUNG TZU CH'ENG Everywhere I go I find that a poet has been there before me. SIGMUND FREUD Look with thine ears. SHAKESPEARE The words of truth are always paradoxical. LAO TZU The vocation, whether it be that of the farmer or the architect, is a function; the exercise of this function as regards the man himself is the most indispensible means of spiritual developmetn, and as regards his relation to society the measure of his worth. ANANDA K. COOMARASWAMY Consciously or unconsciously, every one of us does render some service or other. If we cultivate the habit of doing this service deliberately, our desire for service will steadily grow stronger, and will make, not only our own happiness, but that of the world at large. MAHATMA GANDI The art of life, of a poet's life, is, not having anything to do, to do something. THOREAU To love is to transform, to be a poet. NORMAN O. BROWN To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders. LIEH TZU To be willing to siffer in order to create is one thing; to realize that one's creation necessitates one's suffering, that suffering is one of the greatest of God's gifts, is almost to reach a mystical solution to the problem of evil. J. W. SULLIVAN You wish to see; listen. Hearing is a step toward Vision. ST. BERNARD The way of the mystic and the way of the artist are related, except that the mystic doesn't have the craft. JEAN ERDMAN Be still and cool in thine own mind and spirit. GEORGE FOX There is no patriotic art and no patriotic science. GOETHE The productions of all arts are kinds of poetry and their craftsmen are all poets. PLATO If you realize what the real problem is--losing yourself--you realize that this itself is the ultimate trial. JOSEPH CAMPBELL The heart has its reasons that the mind knows nothing of. BLAISE PASCAL The work will teach you how to do it. ESTONIAN PROVERB Love is love's reward. JOHN DRYDEN All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. A first-rate soup is more creative than a second-rate painting. ABRAHAM MASLOW We have come to think of art and work as incompatible, or at least independent categories and have for the time in history created an industry without art. ANANDA K. COOMARASWAMY To have great poets, there must be great audiences. WALT WHITMAN Beauty is truth, truth beauty,--that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. JOHN KEATS Man is by nature an artist. TAGORE The only lasting beauty is the beauty of the heart. RUMI To believe that what has not occured in history will not occur at all, is to argue disbelief in the dignity of man. MAHATMA GHANDI Everything passes, and what remains of former times, what remains of life, is the spiritual. In everything we do, the claim of the Absolute is unchanging. PAUL KLEE Whoever does not detach himself from the ego never attains the Absolute and never deciphers life. CONSTANTIN BRANCUSI Something sacred, that's it. We ought to be able to say that such and such a painting is as it is, with its capacity for power, because it is "touched by God." PABLO PICASSO Firmament and planets both disappeared, but the might breath which gives life to all things and in which is bound up remained. VINCENT VAN GOGH The role of the artist I now understood as that of revealing through the worlf-surfaces the implicit forms of the soul, and the great agent to assist the artist was the myth. JOSEPH CAMPBELL The one thing in the world, of value, is the active soul. EMERSON Myths are clues to the spiritual potentialities of the human life. JOSEPH CAMPBELL The degradation of the sense of symbol in modern society is one of its many signs of spiritual decay. THOMAS MERTON Whoever controls the media--the images--controls the culture. ALLEN GINSBERG Symbolism is no mere idle fancy or corrupt egerneration: it is inherent in the very texture of human life. ALFRED NORTH WHITEHEAD The Universal is always the same, the specifics are always different. ROBERT AITKEN Look within. Within in the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up, if thou wilt ever dig. MARCUS AURELIUS Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart And try to love the questions themselves. RAINER MARIA RILKE The hero's will is not that of his ancestors nor of his society, but his own. This will to be oneself is heroism. ORTEGA Y GASSETT Man's activity consists in either a making or a doing. Both of these aspects of the active life depend for their correction on the contemplative life. ANANDA K. COOMARASWAMY Questions are the creative acts of intelligence. FRANK KINGDON Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing. HELEN KELLER When we quit thinking primarily about ourselves and our own slef-preservation, we undergo a truly heroic transformation of consciousness. JOSEPH CAMPBELL Artist! You are a magician: art is the great miracle. PELADAN We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. BUDDHA Men are so simple and yield so readily to the desires of the moment that he who will trick will always find another who will suffer to be tricked. MACHIAVELLI You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is our of focus. MARK TWAIN The faculty of imagination is both the rudder and the bridle of the senses. LEONARDO DA VINCI All poetic inspiration is but dream interpretation. HANS SACHS Has fear ever held a man back from anything he really wanted? GEORGE BERNARD SHAW Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly, even if they roll a few stones upon it. ALBERT SCHWEITZER Those who reach greatness on earth reach it through concentration. UPANISHADS Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. AMBROSE REDMOON There is nothing stronger in the world than gentleness. HAN SUYIN The world is our school for spiritual self-discovery. PAUL BRUNTON Is not every man a student, and do not all things exist for the student's behoof? EMERSON Education is not filling a bucket but lighting a fire. WILLIAM BUTLET YEATS It is a myth, not a mandate, a fable not a logic, and a symbol rather than a reason by which men are moved. IRWIN EDMAN I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive. JOSEPH CAMPBELL History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake. JAMES JOYCE He then learns that in going down into the secrets of his own mind he has descended into the secrets of all minds. EMERSON It doesn't happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. MARGERY WILLIAMS After the final no there comes a yes and on that yes the future of the world hangs. WALLACE STEVENS I exist as I am, that is enough. WALT WHITMAN Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves? FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE We're so engaged in doing things to achieve purposes of outer value that we forget the inner value, the rapture that is associated with being alive, is what it is all about. JOSEPH CAMPBELL Today we know that all living beings who strive to maintain life and who long to be spared pain--all living beings on earth are our neighboors. ALBERT SCHWEITZER We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain. ALAN WATTS No work for love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now. ALAN WATTS There is nothing with which every man is so afraid as getting to know how enormously much he is capable of doing and becoming. SOREN KIERKEGAARD The miracle is not that we do this work, but that we are happy to do it. MOTHER TERESA One cannot always be a hero, but one can always be a human. GOETHE Love until it hurts. Real love is always painful and hurts: then it is real and pure. MOTHER TERESA My life is an indivisible whole, and all my activities run into one anotherl and they have their rise in my insatiable love of mankind. MAHATMA GHANDI NOT I--NOT ANYONE else, can travel that road for you, You must travel it for yourself. WALT WHITMAN If a man does not keep pace with his companions perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away. THOREAU Man is not the creature of circumstances. Circumstances are the creatures of men. BENJAMIN DISRAELI The only journey is the one within. RAINER MARIA RILKE Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. WILLIAM JAMES Nurture your minds with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes. BENJAMIN DISRAELI Live the questions now. RAINER MARIA RILKE How can I be useful, of what service can I be? There is something inside me, what can it be? VINCENT VAN GOGH And his own thoughts, along that rugged way, Pursued, like raging hounds, their father and their prey. SHELLEY The greatest obstacle to being heroic is the doubt whether one may not be going to prove one's self a fool; the truest heroism is, to resist the doubt; and the profoundest wisdom, to know when it ought to be reisisted, and when to be obeyed. NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE Within our impure mind the pure one is to be found. HUI NENG Life's most urgent question is: what are you doing for others? MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. The theme of the Grail is the bringing of life into what is known as 'the wasteland.' The wasteland is the preliminary theme to which the Grail is the answer. It's the world of people living inauthentic lives--doing what they are supposed to do. JOSEPH CAMPBELL A joyful heart is the inevitable result of a heart burning with love. MOTHER TERESA A person starts to live when he can live outside himself. ALBERT EINSTEIN I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve. ALBERT SCHWEITZER The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity. TOLSTOY Compared to what we ought to be, we are half-awake. WILLIAM JAMES The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed. ALBERT EINSTEIN Man is unhappy because he doesn't know he's happy. If anyone finds out he'll become happy at once. DOSTOYEVSKY Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. MARK TWAIN The excellency of every art is its intensity, capable of making all disagreeables evaporate. JOHN KEATS What is Art? It is the response of man's creative soul to the call of the Real. TAGORE It is the first of all problems for a man to find out what kind of work he is to do in this universe. THOMAS CARLYLE If we want to make something really superb on this planet, there is nothing whatever that can stop us. SHEPHERD MEAD The universe is made of one kind of whatever-it-is, which cannot be defined. THADDEUS GOLAS Everything in Nature contains all the powers of Nature. Everything is madse of hidden stuff. EMERSON Nothing is so contagious as an example. We never do great good or evil without bringing about more of the same on the part of others. DE LA ROCHE FOUCAULD Continue to soil your own bed and one night you will suffocate in your own waste. CHIEF SEATTLE Every great movement must experience three stages: ridicule, discussion, adoption. JOHN STUART MILL The more I study physics, the more I am drawn to metaphysics. ALBERT EINSTEIN Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist. EMERSON Nothing has such power to broaden the mind as the ability to investigate systematically and truly all that comes under thy observation in life. MARCUS AURELIUS The soul never thinks without a picture. ARISTOTLE It is our duty as men and women to proceed as though the limits of our abilities do not exist. PIERRE TEILHARD DE CHARDIN All the world is full of suffering. it is also full of overcoming it. HELEN KELLER The fearful unbelief is unbelief in yourself. THOMAS CARLYLE If I keep a green bough in my heart, the singing bird will come. CHINESE PROVERB Without this playing with fantasy no creative work has ever yet come to birth. The debt we owe to the play of the imagination is incalculable. C. G. JUNG Image creates desire. You will want what you imagine. J. G. GALLIMORE You must be the change you wish to see in the world. MAHATMA GHANDI Attitudes are more important than facts. CARL MENNINGER Man is what he believes. ANTON CHEKHOV Imagination rules the world. NAPOLEON I The idea that is not dangerous is not worthy of being called an idea at all. ELBERT HUBBARD The only real valuable thing is intuition. ALBERT EINSTEIN A man's dreams are an index to his greatness. ZADOK RABINWITZ In nothing do men approach so nearly to the gods as in doing good to men. MARCUS CICERO You see things and say, "why?" but I dream things that never were and say, "why not?" GEORGE BERNARD SHAW The secret of man's being is not only to live but to have something to live for. DOSTOYEVSKY Freedom consists not in refusing to recognize anything above us, but in respecting something which is above us; for by respecting it, we raise ourselves to it, and, by our very acknowledgement, prove that we bear within ourselves what is higher, and are worthy to be on a level with it. GOETHE The good man is the friend of all living things. MAHATMA GHANDI If you see in any given situation only what everybody else can see, you can be said to be so much a representative of your culture that you are a victim of it. S. I. HAYAKAWA That civilization perishes in which the individual thwarts the revelation of the universal. TAGORE You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in a spirit of love. HENRY DRUMMOND Work to become, not to acquire. ELBERT HUBBARD It is the chiefest point of happiness that a man is willing to be what he is. DESIDERIUS ERASMUS It's motive alone which gives character to the actions of men. JEAN DE LA BRUYERE Remember that you are an actor in a play and the Playwright chooses the manner of it...your business is to act the character that is given you and act it well; the choice of the cast is Another's. EPICTETUS Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it. BUDDHA Live as you will have wished to have lived when you are dying. CHRISTIAN FURCHTEGOTT GELLERT A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company. CHARLES HUGHES The most sublime act is to set another before you. WILLIAM BLAKE Every man has his own vocation, talent is the call. EMERSON If people knew how hard I worked to get my mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful after all. MICHELANGELO When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bounds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction and you find yourself in a new, great and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be. PATANJALI It is your work in life that is the ultimate seduction. PABLO PICASSO When one is engaged in a favorite pursuit or a subject absorbingly interesting, the normal conception of labor or time and artificial social distinctions dissappear from the mind. In fact, life itself is absorbed in the engagement, or it may be said that one's life is tuned in harmony with eternal life. G. KOIZUMI It sometimes seems that intense desire creates not only its own opportunities, but its own talents. ERIC HOFFER If you have love you will do all things well. THOMAS MERTON Ideas must work through the brains and the arms of good and brave men, or they are no better than dreams. EMERSON Our plans miscarry because they have no aim. When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. SENECA Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires. WILLIAM BLAKE It takes a long time to bring excellence to maturity. SYRUS I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW Life always gets harder toward the summit--the cold increases, the responsibility increases. FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE Is the system going to flatten you out and deny you your humanity, or are you going to be able to make use of the system to the attainment of human purposes? JOSEPH CAMPBELL Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. EMERSON The beater and the beaten: mere players of a game ephemeral as a dream. MUSO Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back into the same box. ITALIAN PROVERB He who possesses most must be most affraid of loss. LEONARDO DA VINCI Life must be lived as play. PLATO Human affairs are like a chess game: only those who do not take the game seriously can be called good players. HUNG TZU CH'ENG I'm not at all contemptuous of comforts, but they have their place and it is not first. E. F. SCHUMACHER I have learned this at least by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. THOREAU Always bear in mind that your own resolution to success is more important than any other one thing. ABRAHAM LINCOLN The real object of education is to have a man in the condition of continually asking questions. BISHOP CREIGHTON Without work, all life goes rotten. But when work is soulless, life stifles and dies. ALBERT CAMUS There is no great thought that has become an impelling power in history which has not been espoused at its origin by men willing to put all their physical and spiritual powers entirely at its service. LOUIS GINZBERG As every divided kingdom falls, so every mind divided between many studies confounds and saps itself. LEONARDO DA VINCI We are free up to the point of choice. Then the choice controls the chooser. MARY CROWLEY He who has a why can endure any how. FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE Obstacles will look large or small to you according to whether you are large or small. ORISON SWETT MARDEN Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide. NAPOLEON I Choose always the way that seems the best, however rough it may be. Custom will soon render it easy and agreeable. PYTHAGORAS Appear where they cannot go, head for where they expect you least. SUN TZU In walking, just walk. In sitting, just sit. Above all, don't wobble. YUN-MEN Whatever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well. PHILLIP STANHOPE Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. MARGARET MEAD The only difference between a wise man and a fool is that the wise man knows he's playing. FRITZ PERIS Success on any major scale requires you to accept responsibility. In the final analysis, the one quality that all successful people have is the ability to take on responsibility. MICHAEL KORDA Man finds the meaning of his human existence in his capacity for decision, in his freedom of choice. It is a dreadful freedom, for it also means responsibility, but without it man would be as nothing. WILL HERBERG Perfect freedom is reserved for the man who lives by his own work and in that work does what he wants to do. R. G. COLLINGWOOD The empires of the future are the empires of the mind. WINSTON CHURCHILL A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds. FRANCIS BACON Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail. CONFUCIUS I was made to work. If you are equally industrious, you will be equally successful. J. S. BACH The great use of life is to spend it on something that will outlast it. WILLIAM JAMES Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anyone expects of you. Never excuse yourself. HENRY WARD BEECHER There is nothing which persevering effort and unceasing and diligent care cannot accomplish. SENECA It isn't that they can't see the solution. It's that they can't see the problem. G. K. CHESTERTON Fortune favors the audacious. DESIDERIUS ERASMUS Great works are performed not by strength, but by perseverance. SAMUEL JOHNSON The successful man will profit from his mistakes and try again in a different way. DALE CARNEGIE The worst fear is the fear of living. THEODORE ROOSEVELT One is always seeking the touchstone that will dissolve one's deficiencies as a person and as a craftsman. And one is always bumping up against the fact that there is none except hard work, concentration, and continued application. PAUL GALLICO The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn...and change. CARL ROGERS There is no security in life, only opportunity. MARK TWAIN The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance. ALAN WATTS In a world that is constantly changing, there is no one subject or set of subjects that will serve you for the forseeable future, let alone for the rest of your life. The most important skill to acquire now is learning how to learn. JOHN NAISBITT Anyone who stops learning is old, whether twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning today is young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young. HENRY FORD Self-education is, I firmly believe, the only kind of education there is. ISAAC ASIMOV There is creative reading as well as creative writing. EMERSON I love laughing. WILLIAM BLAKE *** "The Great Awakening" As I awoke this morning When all sweet things are born, A robin perched upon my sill To signal the coming dawn. The bird was fragile, young and gay, And sweetly did it sing, The thoughts of happiness and joy Into my heart did bring. I smiled softly at the cheery song, There as it paused, a moment's lull, I gently closed the window And crushed its fucking skull. *** It was a moment in time, a simple expression Outside my window radio played a forgotten selection It was a song of love and the chorus rang out Step outside yourself and take a look around Cause in this life we make our choices Serve ourselves or walk in the footsteps of love If our world safe? Is it all an illusion? Chivalry carries it's own finesse in every solution Forget the bombs that destroy our Earth A million times over we've killed ourselves A million times over we need to learn That in this life we make our choices Serve ourselves or walk in the footsteps of love When we were young, everything seemed so simple One dimensional mind, we only saw what we thought was real Walls were low and vulnerable But time takes its and it shakes all the years of our lives Is it an imminence change? Are we destined to regress? Revolution roots inside the man who opens up and says yes! Can we put it off cold and involve ourselves? Reformation, regeneration, show us how . . . Cause in this life we make our choices Serve ourselves or walk in the footsteps of love "Footsteps of Love" by Mike Stand From the Album 'Simple Expressions' Alarma Records *** Who's gonna clean and perfume your bras like I do? Who's gonna make your macaroni and cheese? Who's gonna kiss you between the legs like I do? Who's gonna bite your ankles and your knees? Who's gonna understand, When you're always getting out of hand? Who's gonna bring you back, When you get so hard you crack? Nobody but me. Who's gonna hold your hand in church like I do? Who's gonna hold your head when you come home drunk? Who's gonna risk his life in your bed like I do? Who's gonna risk his freedom buying you your drugs? -- from the song Nobody But Me, by The Pursuit of Happiness (found on their 1993 album, The Downward Road) *** The people of the various provinces are strictly forbidden to have in their possession any swords, bows, spears, firearms, or other types of arms. The possession of these elements makes difficult the collection of taxes and dues, and tends to permit uprising. Therefore, the heads of provinces, official agents, and deputies are ordered to collect all the weapons mentioned above and turn them over to the government. -- Toyotomi Hideyoshi, Shogun, August 29, 1558, Japan. *** Today is a new day. Hence, 1. I refuse to be shackled by yesterday's failures. 2. What I don't know will no longer be an intimidation; it will be an opportunity. 3. I will not allow people to define my mood, method, image, or mission. 4. I will pursue a mission greater than myself by making at least one person happy he saw me. 5. I will have no time for self-pity, gossip, or negativism... from myself or others. -- Max Lucado *** Guidelines for Gods: Thwart the exceptional. Concentrate the wealth. Answer prayer, but late, and without attention to detail. Intervene in a manner that suggests you haven't been following the story. Break up the Beatles. Let good things happen to bad people. Let bad behavior be mistaken for talent. Require compromise. Create gossip, infection, butter. Make toilets in Europe difficult to flush. Encourage Andy Rooney. Give people hormones before they have completed their educations. Create the impression that hair color determines personality. Make people wait for long periods of time, often under fluorescent lighting. Let the shrinking of elderly people's bodies coincide with their sudden desire to own very large cars. Let there be berets. Let there be child performers. Let there be autobiography. Let there be Cher. -- Henry Alford, New York Times Sunday Magazine, 5 February 1995 *** Let me live in a house by the side of the road, Where the race of men go by- The men who are good and the men who are bad, As good and as bad as I I would not sit in the scorner's seat, Or hurl the cynics ban- Let me live in a house by the side of the road AND BE A FRIEND TO MAN -- Sam W. Foss *** Deteriorata Go placidly amid the noise and waste, And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, But that three lefts do. Wherever possible put people on "HOLD". Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, Especially with those persons closest to you; That lemon on your left for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls, Would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face. Carefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan, And let not the sands of time get in your lunch. For a good time, call 606-4311. Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog Is finally getting enough cheese; And reflect that whatever fortunes may be your lot, It could only be worse in Sioux City. You are a fluke of the Universe. You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not, The Universe is laughing behind your back. Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be, Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, The world continues to deteriorate. Give up. -- From the National Lampoon Radio Dinner album *** An affiliation is not an experience. It is, in fact, a surrogate for experience. Where the faith in God is wanting, there is still religious identity. Where the bed is cold and empty, there is still sexual identity. Where the words of the father are forgotten, there is still ethnic identity. The thinner the identity, the louder. -- _Against Identity_ by Leon Wieseltier in the November 28 New Republic *** It is impossible to know any man-- I mean his soul, intelligence, and judgement-- until he shows his skill in rule and law. I think that a man supreme ruler of a whole city, if he does not reach for the best counsel for her, but through some fear, keeps his tongue under lock and key, him I judge the worst of any; I have always judged so; and anyone thinking another man more a friend than his own country, I rate him nowhere. -- Creon, in Sophocles' Antigone *** The Picket Fence One time there was a picket fence with space to gaze from hence to thence. An architect who saw this sight approached it suddenly one night, removed the spaces from the fence and built of them a residence. The picket fence stood there dumbfounded, with pickets wholly unsurrounded. -- Christian Morgenstern *** Let us discard all this quibbling about this man or the other man, this race or that race, and the other race being inferior and therefore they must be placed in an inferior position. Let us discard all these things and unite as one people throughout this land until we shall once more stand up declaring that all men are created equal. -- Abraham Lincoln, from the 1858 Lincoln-Douglas debates *** One ship drives east and the other drives west With the selfsame winds that blow. 'Tis the set of the sails and not the gales Which tells us the way to go. -- Ella Wheeler Wilcox, Winds of Fate *** We live lives based upon selected fiction. Our view of reality is conditioned by our position in space and time - not by our personalities as we like to think. Thus every interpretation of reality is based upon a unique position. Two paces east or west and the whole picture is changed -- from Balthazar, by Lawrence Durrell *** So Karl Marx dies and shows up at the gates of heaven to be met by Saint Peter. "Name?" asks Peter. "Marx, Karl Marx," replies the famous author. "Hmm," says Peter to himself, "why do I know that name?" "I am Marx," Marx said, beaming with pride, "founder of socialism and the driving force behind the communist ideal called Marxism." "I see," Peter said. "I'll have to check with God." So Peter rushes off to confer with God. God hears the name Marx and immediately a look of disgust infects His face. "Marx?" God says, "He's nothing but a trouble maker. Send him down to hell." So Peter happily signs the appropriate forms and deports Karl Marx to Satan's fiery hell. Some time later, a free trade agreement is forged between Heaven and Hell. The deal is hailed by all to be a great economic leap forward that would revitalize both struggling economies. But soon after the treaty, God realizes that Heaven is no longer receiving any products from Hell. So he sends Saint Peter down to investigate. "Well?" asks Peter of Satan, "What's the hold up? We have an agreement!" Satan shrugs his shoulders, exasperated. "It's that Marx fellow," Satan replied. "Ever since he got down here, all we've had are strikes and labour demands. Productivity has dropped to zero!" "So?" Peter asks, "What would you have us do?" "Take him back. Take Marx back to Heaven, and I guarantee productivity will sky rocket!" So Peter agreed, on God's behalf, to accept Karl Marx back to Heaven. Some time later Satan realizes that Hell has not received any orders for product from Heaven. In fact, very little communication at all has leaked from Up Above. So, concerned for the economic welfare of Hell, he makes a trip to Heaven. "Peter! Peter, are you there?" Satan demands. "Yes, what is it?" Peter answers. "What's the hold up? What about the flow of trade?" "Oh I'm sorry," Peter said, "We have decided to adopt a Marxist isolationist stance. We are an intrinsic self-governed body that is now based on the needs of the prolatariate. It is our opinion that this free trade agreement only benefits the bourgeois." "What?!" Satan was furious. "I demand to speak to God!" Peter's eyebrows are raised in confusion. "Who?" *** An abyss that lasted creation A circus complete with all fools Foundations that lasted the ages Then ripped apart at their roots Beyond all this good the terror The grip of a mercenary hand When savagery returns for good reason There's no turning back the last stand Heart and soul, one will burn... Heart and soul, one will burn... -- Joy Division, "Heart and Soul" *** [This] is a great opportunity for our kids and other kids who come to see us to be able to recognize and identify manure, which will help them in the future. Children need, at an early age, to be able to identify manure. -- Mike McElroy of West Lake Hills, TX (in his appeal to the city council to be allowed to keep his pet donkey) reported in the Austin paper in August, 1994, and in News of the weird 11/11/94) *** The Pepper and Salt Association wants to turn the English language outside in, wants phrases changed kaboodle and kit. People should listen to roll 'n' rock, eat butter and bread, and travel fro and to. Why? Because what this country needs is a sense of wrong and right, fair play and justice, order and law. There are cons and pros, but true believers will consider it a matter of death and life, a swim or sink proposition. -- Press Release, Pepper and Salt Association, Alabama, Birmingham *** In the old days I used to sally forth, sponge in hand, to the nursery bathroom which was down a terrifying, twisting staircase, and I could still remember how cold it used to be outside, in the passages, though there was always a blazing fire in my room. But now the central heating had been brought up to date and the temperature everywhere was that of a hot house. The fire which flickered away beneath the spires and towers of the chimney piece was merely there for show, and no longer to be lighted at 7am, before one was awake, by a little maid scuffling about like a mouse. The age of luxury was ended and that of comfort had begun. -- from "Love in a Cold Climate", by Nancy Mitford, 1945, p255 *** Whiteface, Texas Population 517 Elevation 3,675 ----- Total 4,192 *** Abraham Lincoln's Cannot-ments 1. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. 2. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men. 3. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. 4. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer. 5. You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich. 6. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income. 7. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. 8. You cannot establish security on borrowed money. 9. You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence. 10. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves. *** Commandancy of the Alamo Bejar, Fby 24th 1836-- TO THE PEOPLE OF TEXAS & ALL AMERICANS IN THE WORLD Fellow Citizens & Compatriots-- I am besieged, by a thousand or more of the Mexicans under Santa Anna--I have sustained a continual Bombardment & cannonade for 24 hours & have not lost a man--The enemy has demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise the garrison are to be put to the sword, if the fort is taken-- I have answered the demand with a cannon shot, & our flag still waves proudly from the walls-- I _shall never surrender or retreat. Then_ I call on you in the name of Liberty, of patriotism & everything dear to the American character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch-- The enemy is receiving reinforcements daily & will no doubt increase to three or four thousand in four or five days. If this call is neglected, I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible & die a soldier who never forgets what is due to his own honor & that of his country-- _Victory or Death._ William Barret Travis Lt. Col. Comdt. (The Alamo fell on 6 March 1836.) *** n 'integrated scheduling package' has the following 'buttons' t the bottom of the view concerning date. _______ ______ _____ /Cancel/ /Today/ // OK // ______ _____ _____ Did you ever have one of those 'days' when you would like to do so? *** Dear Sir (or Madam): My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Ute, Iowa, received a check for $1000.00 from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what kind is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all the government policies. I would very much prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't riased. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1971, and this is until this year when he received your check for $1000 for not raising 50 hogs. If I get $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will bring in about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford that airplane I've been wanting. Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising any corn to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information your department has on this program, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and will qualify for unemployment compensation and food stamps. Be most assured that you and the President will have my vote in the coming election. Patriotically yours, Just Waiting In Iowa PS Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more surplus cheese? -Originally printed in the Herbal Spotlight (Hubble Hill Herbs, PO Box 2083, Loveland, CO 80539) *** Whenever women have insisted on absolute equality with men, they have invariably ended up with the dirty end of the stick. What they are and what they can do make them superior to men, and their proper tactic is to demand special privileges, all the traffic will bear. They should never settle merely for equality. For women, "equality" is a disaster. -- Lazarus Long *** I knew that by assembling seven different people and forcing them to live together, the show would have great philosophical implications. On a much larger scale this happens all the time. Eventually, the Israelis are going to have to learn to live with the Arabs. We have one world, and 'Gilligan's Island' was my way of saying that. -- Sherwood Schwartz, "Gilligan's Island" creator. *** Aesthetically speaking, Tarantino's Pulp Fiction was fashioned to be an artistic statement wherein the director comments on the impact of nihilistic sociocultural pathological tendencies on people, debating the implications of the unbearable lightness of being in an otherwise cold, uncaring existential universe, invoking the recurring themes of ritualistic killing, drugs, and sex as methods invoked to cope with otherwise absurd situations. It's in quintessence Waiting for Godot, only without the Waiting and with the Godot. In other words, it provides a somewhat mechanical catharsis, in which the audience learns to sublimate and purge their own amoralistic and misanthropic desires, momentarily being at one with the characters on screen. -- Adam Rifkin *** Where standards differ there will be opposition. But how can the standards of the world be unified? -- Mo-ti Certain characteristics of the Chinese language call for further consideration. Its signs themselves, whether visual or auditor, are, as has been noted, heavily laden with aesthetic content quite apart from what they denote. In many cases, however, the content of the sign itself, that is, the actual shape of the written symbol, is identical with the immediately sensed character of the factor in experience for which it stands. These traits make the ideas which these symbols convey particulars rather than logical universals, and largely denotative rather than connotative in character. (page 322) -- The Meeting of East and West by F. S. Northrup, Ox Bow Press, (1946, 1979) *** Although all cat games have their rules and ritual, these vary with the individual player. The cat, of course, never breaks a rule. If it does not follow precedent, that simply means it has created a new rule and it is up to you to learn it quickly if you want the game to continue. -- Sidney Denham *** 1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 4. Employ the vernacular. 5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 7. Remember to never split an infinitive. 8. Contractions aren't necessary. 9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 10. One should never generalize. 11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. Be more or less specific. 15. Understatement is always best. 16. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 18. The passive voice is to be avoided. 19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 21. Who needs rhetorical questions? 22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 23. Don't never use a double negation. 24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point 25. Do not put statements in the negative form. 26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. 27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. 28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 29. A writer must not shift your point of view. 30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) 31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!! 32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. 33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. 35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. 38. Always pick on the correct idiom. 39. The adverb always follows the verb. 40. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives. *** Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire? *** A student, upon receiving the results of his physics quiz, is outraged that his score is only 10 out of 100, just because he got the final answer wrong on the one long problem. After class, he confronts the professor about marking off 90 points just because he made a mistake in the decimal point when writing down the answer. The professor replies, "You're right, yours was a trivial mistake. I'm sure you agree that it doesn't matter, either, that I moved the decimal point on your score." *** The Finals Week item, with 50 things to do during a final you know you will flunk, inspires me to pass along this true story from RIT. Acknowledgements are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former graduate student Ed Ford, who together pulled the scam off with aplomb. Several years ago, Ken was assigned two sections of a large service course taken primarily by business students. The final exam was multiple choice, and had a well-deserved reputation for being easy to cheat on (one proctor, 250-300 students). Ken was determined to plug this hole, at least for one term. One nice thing about such a large class is that no student knows everyone else who is enrolled. Using this, Ken asked Ed to attend the final and pretend to take it like everyone else. Ken also told Ed to be as blatent as possible about cheating. At the start of the exam, Ken announced that anyone caught cheating off another student's paper would have his or her exam confiscated and would fail the course. As the exam progressed, Ed was peering all around, while Ken periodically called out "eyes on your own paper." After about three such warnings, Ken bounded up the stairs, crossed to Ed's seat, grabbed the exam, tore it to shreds, and shouted "You're outta here!" According to Ken, Ed's facial expression was a perfect combination of shock and terror. For the rest of the exam, the room resembled a monastery where monks were carefully and studiously working on sacred scrolls. *** A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, " If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool." *** _The Cat in the Hat_ by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably _Green Eggs and Ham_, _If I Ran the Zoo_, and _Why Can't I Shower With Mommy?_ In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality. The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss's probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!" After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle. Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self. The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order. With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent. *** The Sex Life of an Electron One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the sine wave, and into a magnetic field next to a flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millie Amp's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited and he couldn't resistor. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Millie Amp cried, "Mho, Mho. Give me Mho!" "Ohmigod, this is good," shouted Micro. With his tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excess heat had gotten her shunt pretty hot and Micro's capacitance was rapidly discharging, ... draining off every electron. They fluxed all night, trying various connections and sockets until Micro's bar magnet had lost all of it's field strength. Afterward, Millie tried self-inductance and damaged her solenoid. But it didn't phasor. With his battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to excite his transformer. So they ended up by reversing polarity, and blowing each other's fuses. *** 34 things I learned from video games: 1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence. 2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters. 3. If it moves, KILL IT! 4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training. 5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad guys." A. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns. B. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one hit. C. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then against a "boss" in one on one combat. 6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 'muscle work'. 7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it. 8. You can smash things and get away with it. A. Smashing things doesn't hurt. B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things. 9. Cybernetics are our friends. 10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it. 11. If someone dies, they disappear. 12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets. 13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry. 14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal. 15. If it's on the ground, you should get it. 16. Repulsive, ugly, cannabalistic, evil beings have just as much right to be loved as heroic fighters. 17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure. 18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades. 19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again. 20. Death is reversible (but only for you!). 21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently. 22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow. 23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky (a stork?) and are completely invincible for a short time. 24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down. 25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies. 26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions. 27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat them with it. 28. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it doesn't, try and pick it up--- it was probably a powerup or bonus. 29. Carpe diem! You only live three times! 30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have acheived a near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat the crap out of you. 31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents. 32. 200 - 1 odds against you is NOT a problem. 33. gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names. 34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place. *** This reminds me of a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon that I happen to have taped to my door. Calvin is working on his homework and explains to Hobbes: Scene 1: (Calvin) "I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them." Scene 2: (Calvin) "I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity." Scene 3: (Calvin) "With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?" Scene 4: (Hobbes reads) " 'The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in _Dick and Jane_: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes.' " (Calvin) "Academia, here I come!" *** The Sweater Song Yet again, this is off of Meryn Cadell's wonderful Angel Food for Thought. (without permission, of course) Girls, I know you will understand this feel the intrinsic incredible emotion. You have just pulled over your head the worn, warm sweater, belonging to... A BOY. Now, you haven't had a passionate kissing session or anything, But you got to go on a camping trip with him and eight other people from school And you practically slept together, your sleeping bag right next to his. And you woke in the night to watch him as he slept, But you couldn't see anything because it was dark So you just lay there and listened to his breathing and wondered if your heart Might burst. The sweater has that slightly goat like smell, which all teenage boys possess, And that smell will lovingly transfer to all your other clothes. If you get to keep it for a few days you can sleep with it But don't let your mom see it because she'll say: "What is THAT filthy thing and who does it belong to besides the trashman?" So you have to kind of lie it beside you, or wrap it around your waist Or touch it on your legs. Or whatever. That's your business. Now, if the sweater has, like reindeer on it, or is a funny color like yellow, I'm sorry, you can't get away with a sweater like that. Look for brown or gray or blue. Anyhting other than that and you know that you're dealing with someone who's Different. And different is not what you're looking for. You're looking for those teenage-alpine-ski-chiseled features And that sort of blank look which passes for deep thought Or at least the notion that someone's home. You're looking for the boy of your dreams who is the same boy in the dreams of All of your friends. Monday, wear the sweater to school. Be calm, look cute. Don't tell him the dream you had about the place the two of you would share When you get older, just be yourself. The best, cutest, quietest version of yourself. Definitely wear lip gloss. He looks at you, and then he looks away, and then he walks away, And the smell of the sweater hits you again suddenly like ape-scent gloriola And you get a note passed to you by a girl in history that says: "He needs his sweater back. He forgot that you put it on in the tent on Saturday and he's been looking for it." And you don't have to die of humiliation, you know. You are a strong person and this is a learning experience. You can still hold your head up high as you run from the class room Tearing the STINKING sweater from your body. You look at that sweater, carefully, and you realize that love made you Temporarily BLIND. You've got a secret now, honey, And though you would never sink as low as him, You could blab it all over the school if you wanted. The label in that sweater said: One hundred percent ACRYLIC. *** > Top 10 Reasons to Date a Computer Geek > > 0000 You don't have to worry about X-girlfriends > 0001 You know they'll be up all night long. > 0010 They take virus protection seriously. > 0011 They're just like a network, they often go down on you. > 0100 They don't BYTE (but they do NIBBLE a little) > 1010 They may just live up to their homepage. > 0110 If it doesn't work out, you can always DUMP them. > 0111 They can turn off interrupts for private moments. > 1000 alt.sex.bondage > 1001 There's never a NULL moment. *** Cricket: as explained to a foreign visitor. There are two sides; one out in the field, and one in. Each man in the side that's in goes out and once he's out comes back in and the next man goes in until he's out. When all the men that are in are out the side that's out goes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get the men coming in out. Sometimes there are men who remain not out. When both sides have been in and out, including the men that are not out, that's the end of the game. *** Male sexuality is inherently manic-depressive. Androgen agitates. Men are in a constant state of sexual anxiety, living on the pins and needles of their hormones. In sex as in life they are driven *beyond* -- beyond the self, beyond the body. Even in the womb this rule applies. Every fetus is female unless it is steeped in male hormone produced by a signal from the developing fetus's gonads. Before birth, the male is already exiled from the female, exiled from the center of life. They are born knowing they are sexual exiles. They wander the earth seeking satisfaction, craving, never content. There is nothing in the anguished *motion* of men for women to envy. -- Camille Paglia (via elf@halcyon.com) *** After a while you learn the subtle differences Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning And company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises, And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes open With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, And you learn to build all your roads on today Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn That even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong And you really do have worth... And you learn and learn... With every-goodbye you learn. -- Veronica A. Shoffstall *** For those few who can't remember the value of PI to the 30th place the following mnemonic may be of help. The number of letters in each word represents the value of the digit: This appeared in Nature, October 20, 1994 in a letter from W. E. Ormerod who was quoting from G. F. Hull's "An Elementary Survey of Modern Physics". "Qui j'aime a faire apprendre un nombre util aux sages! Immortel Archimede, artiste ingenieur Qui de ton jugement peut priser la valuer? Pour moi, ton probleme eut de parieiles avantages." (Submitter notes: You are on your own for the diacritical marks.) *** Happy is he who not only knows the causes of things, but who has not lost touch with their beginnings. Happy is he who still loves something that he loved in the nursery: he has not been broken in two by time; he is not two men, but one, and has saved not only his soul but his life. -- GK Chesterton *** Experience has shown that the common forms of gambling are comparatively innocuous when placed in contrast with the widespread pestilence of lotteries. The former are confined to a few persons and places, but the latter infests the whole community; it enters every dwelling; it reaches every class; it preys upon the hard earnings of the poor; it plunders the ignorant and simple.... -- Phalen v. Virginia, 8 How. 163, 168. *** Oh, sure. Absolutely. I absolutely believe every artist is in the position of the scop [the Anglo-Saxon bard in his novel GRENDEL]. As I tried to make plain in ON MORAL FICTION, I think the difference right now between good art and bad art is that the good artists are the people now who are, in one way or another, creating, out of deep and honest concern, a vision of life-in-the-twentieth-century that is worth pursuing. And the bad artists, of whom there are many, are whining or moaning or staring, because it's fashionable, into the dark abyss. If you believe that life is fundamentally a volcano full of baby skulls, you've got two main choices as an artist: you can either stare into the volcano and count the skulls for the thousandth time and tell everybody, "There are the skulls; that's your baby, Mrs. Miller." Or you can try to build walls so that fewer baby skulls go in. It seems to me that the artist ought to hunt for positive ways of surviving, of living. And you shouldn't lie. If there aren't any, so far as you can see, you should say so...But I think the world is not all merde. I think it's possible to make walls around at least some of the smoking holes... ...Characteristically, there's a battle in my fiction between the hunger for roots, stability, law, and another element in my character which is anarchic. I hate to obey speed laws, I hate to park where it says you have to park. I hate to have to be someplace on time. And in fact I often don't do those things I know I should do, which of course fills me with uneasiness and guilt. Every time you break the law you pay, and every time you obey the law you pay. -- John Gardner, from an interview in 1978. *** Today's quote is from the _Winnipeg Free Press_: DATELINE: LOS ANGELES [O.J. Simpson] Prosecutor Marcia Clark returned to court yesterday with darker, straighter hair, her trademark curls replaced by a modified shag. Applause broke out among some people waiting to enter the courtroom, including some reporters, when Ms. Clark walked past. "Get a life," Ms. Clark told them. *** Today's quote is from _Rats, Lice and History_ by Hans Zinsser: [The louse] lives, blissfully irresponsible, like the Polynesians before the advent of Captain Cook, roaming on the land of plenty, where nature provides warmth, shelter, the odors he loves best, copses for love, and secure undergrowth to which his chosen mate can attach her nest. [But] in one important respect, this accusation of Rousseauism is not entirely just to the louse. Though in his other appetites leading an apparently effortless and licentious existence, his sexual arrangements are uniquely wise. Nature has provided that the nymph - that is, what may be called the high-school or flapper age of the louse - is not yet possessed of sexual organs. These do not appear until the fully adult form develops, and reproduction is thus postponed until a responsible age is reached. Adolescent Bohemianism, "living oneself out," "self-expression," and so forth, never get beyond the D.H. Lawrence stage among the younger set. How much physical and moral confusion could be avoided if a similar arrangement among us could postpone sexual maturity until stimulated by and internal secretion form the fully established intellectual and moral convolutions of the brain! The loss of copy this would entail for Theodore Dreiser, William Faulkner, Ernest Hemingway, and others would be amply compensated for by gains in other directions. *** You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last names. Here's the complete text: "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form. -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" *** "Like James Watt on steroids." -- Ralph Nader on U.S. Speaker-of-the-House-to-be Newt Gingrich's appeal as a fund-raising tool for liberal interest groups. (Under the Reagan Administration, Interior Secretary James Watt became a veritable cash cow for environmental fundraising groups.) From _The New York Times_ , November 28, 1994 *** The other thing I have never understood about the French is why they are so ungrateful. I've always felt that, since it was us that liberated them - and let's face it, the French Army couldn't beat a girls' hockey team - they ought to give all Allied visitors to the country a book of coupons good for free drinks in Pigalle and a ride to the top of the Eiffel Tower. But they never thank you. I have had Belgians and Dutch people hug me round the knees and let me drag them down the street in gratitude to me for liberating their country, even after I have pointed out to them that I wasn't even sperm in 1945, but this is not an experience that is ever likely to happen to anyone in France. -- travel writer Bill Bryson in _Neither Here Nor There_. (Celebrations are being held in Holland this month to honour Canadian soldiers who liberated that country from German control 50 years ago.) *** ...it is likely from evidence that, somewhere in the legendary past of louse history, an offspring of a free-living form not unlike our book louse found that life could be infinitely simpler if, instead of having to grub for food in straw, under tree bark, in moss or lichen, in decaying cereals and vegetables, it could attach itself to some food-supplying host, and sit tight. It is one of the few instances in which nature seems extremely logical in its processes. The louse sacrifices a liberty that signifies chiefly the necessity for hard work, the uncertainly of food and shelter, and exposure to dangers from birds, lizards and frogs; loses the fun of having wings, perhaps; but achieves, instead, a secure and effortless existence on a living island of plenty. In a manner, therefore, by adapting itself to parasitism, the louse has attained the ideal of bourgeois civilization, though its methods are more direct than those of business or banking, and its source of nourishment is not its own species. -- Rats, Lice and History, by Hans Zinsser *** During the emergency at the nuclear power plant at Three Mile Island over 100 warning lights were flashing simultaneously, the operators wrongly interpreted the warnings and, instead of drenching the reactor core with water, switched off the emergency cooling system (which the computer had correctly activated), with disastrous results. But the computer program at Three Mile Island was not an expert system and merely set off the cooling system, with no explanation of its actions. -- "Benefits and Risks of Knowledge-Based Systems", Council for Science and Society, (1989), page 47. *** On the stairs an image came to him. Was love then like a bag of assorted sweets passed around from which one might choose more than once? Some might sting the tongue, some invoke night perfume. Some had centers as bitter as gall, some blended honey and poison, some were quickly swallowed. And among the common bulls-eyes and peppermints a few rare ones; one or two with deadly needles at the heart, another that brought calm and gentle pleasure. Were his fingers closing on that one? -- E. Annie Proulx, The Shipping News *** The test of a machine is the satisfaction it gives you. There isn't any other test. If a machine produces tranquillity it's right. If it disturbs you it's wrong until either the machine or your mind is changes. The test of a machine's always your own mind, there isn't any other test. The craftsman isn't ever following a single line of instruction. He's making decisions as he goes along. For that reason he'll be absorbed and attentive to what he's doing even though he doesn't deliberately contrive this. His motions and the machine are in a kind of harmony. He isn't following any set of written instructions because the nature of the material at hand determines his thoughts and motions, which simultaneously change the nature of the material at hand. The material and his thoughts are changing together in a progression of changes until his mind's at rest at the same time the material's right. You look at where you're going and where you are and it never makes sense, but then you look back at where you've been and a pattern seems to emerge. And if you project forward from that pattern, then sometimes you can come up with something. ...In college...you were supposed to imitate the teacher in such a way as to convince the teacher you were not imitating, but taking the essence of the instruction and going ahead with it on your own. That got you A's. Originality on the other hand could get you anything-from A to F. The whole grading system cautioned against it. It's been necessary since before the time of Socrates to reject the passions, the emotions, in order to free the rational mind for an understanding of nature's order which was as yet unknown. Now it's time to further an understanding of nature's order by reassimilating those passions which were originally fled from. The passions, the emotions, the effective domain of man's consciousness, are a part of nature's order too. The central part. Peace of mind produces right values, right values produce right thoughts. Right thoughts produce right actions and right actions produce work which will be a material reflection for others to see of the serenity at the center of it all. There is only one kind of person...who accepts or rejects the mythos in which he lives. And the definition of that person, when he has rejected the mythos...is "insane." To go outside the mythos is to become insane. Mountains should be climbed with as little effort as possible and without desire. The reality of your own nature should determine the speed. If you become restless, speed up. If you become winded, slow down. You climb the mountain in an equilibrium between restlessness and exhaustion. Then, when you're no longer thinking ahead, each footstep isn't just a means to an end but a unique event in itself. This leaf has jagged edges. This rock looks loose. From this place the snow is less visible, even though closer. These are things you should notice anyway. To live only for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountain which sustain life, not the top. Here's where things grow. Robert Pirsig - Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance *** I have three treasures, Which I guard and keep. The first is compassion. The second is economy. The third is humility. From compassion comes courage. From economy comes the means to be generous. From humility comes responsible leadership. To rejoice over victory by violence is to rejoice over slaughter. He who rejoices over slaughter cannot unite all within the empire...The wise ruler sees a military triumph as a funeral. Lao-tse, Benjamin Hoff - The Te of Piglet *** Marcos is gay in San Francisco, black in South Africa, an Asian in Europe, a Chicano in San Ysidro, an anarchist in Spain, a Palestinian in Israel, a Mayan Indian in the streets of San Cristobal, a gang member in Neza, a rocker in the National University, a Jew in Germany, an ombudsman in the Defense Ministry, a Communist in the post-Cold War era, an artist without gallery or portfolio, a pacifist in Bosnia, a housewife alone on a Saturday night in any city in Mexico, a reporter writing filler stories for the back pages, a single woman on the subway at ten P.M., a peasant without land, an unemployed worker, a dissident amid free-market economics, a writer without books or readers, and, of course, a Zapatista in the mountains of south-east Mexico. -- from a communique issued by Zapatista rebels fighting Mexico's authoritarian government, in response to a reporter's query as to whether Zapatista leader Subcommander Marcos is homosexual. (printed in City Lights Review, issue 6) *** "Military force - especially when wielded by an outside power - cannot bring order in a country that cannot govern itself." - former US Defence Secretary Robert McNamara, often called the chief architect of the Vietnam War "I think Americans, if anything, tilt too much towards redemption." - journalist David Halberstam, in a CBC interview, laments the American propensity to honour those who admit wrongdoing more than those who act morally in the first place. He was commenting on Robert McNamara's recent admission that he had doubted that the Vietnam War could be won since 1963. Halberstam also called McNamara "evil", "disingenuous", and "self-serving" in his attempts to take a high-handed moral stance after 32 years of silence and after supporting a war that resulted in over one million deaths. (This is paraphrased from Halberstam's comments. - ed.) *** Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water running all over him. "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies haughtily. "Cleanliness is next to godliness. William Shakespeare!" The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. Tennessee Williams..." *** War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that Nothing is worth war is much worse. The per- son who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. -- John Stewart Mill *** All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible. -- T. E. Lawrence, The Seven Pillars of Wisdom *** From: CABLE REGULATION DIGEST Summary of regulatory news from Multichannel News 2/20/1995. Vol.2, No.8 "You can't sell me a dozen eggs one day, then the next day give me 11 eggs and a piece of coal and tell me you reserve the right to call [the coal] an egg." -- Ron Lerigo, Chambers Communications subscriber who sued after his cable system temporarily dropped local ABC and NBC affiliates. To cover expenses Lerigo incurred through his efforts to watch Monday night football, a judge order the cable operator to pay Lerigo's $95 bar tab. *** "The People Upstairs" The people upstairs all practice ballet. Their living room is a bowling alley. Their bedroom is full of conducted tours. Their radio is louder than yours. They celebrate week ends all the week When they take a shower, your ceilings leak. They try to get their parties to mix By suppliing their guests with pogo sticks, And when their orgy at last abates, They go to the bathroom on roller skates. I might love the people upstairs wondrous If instead of above us, they just lived under us. -- Ogden Nash *** "But when men have realized that time has upset many fighting faiths, they may come to believe even more than they believe the very foundations of their own conduct that the ultimate good desired is better reached by free trade in ideas, -- that the best test of truth is the power of the thought to get itself accepted in the competition of the market; and that truth is the only ground upon which their wishes safely can be carried out." Oliver Wendell Holmes in his dissenting opinion in Abrams v. United States, 250 U.S. 616, 630 (1919) *** Suppose that a=b. Then a = b a^2 = ab a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2 (a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b) a + b = b a = 0 And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing... 1$ = 100c = (10c)^2 = (0.1$)^2 = 0.01$ = 1c *** My uncle ordered popovers from the restaurant's bill of fare. And, when they were served, he regarded them with a penetrating stare. Then he spoke great Words of Wisdom as he sat there on that chair: "To eat these things," said my uncle, "You must exercise great care. You may swallow down what's solid, BUT...you must spit out the air!" And as you partake of the world's bill of fare, that's darned good advice to follow. Do a lot of spitting out the hot air. And be careful what you swallow. -- Theodor Seuss Geisel (Dr. Seuss), from a commencement address *** One generation passeth away, and another generation commeth; but the earth abideth forever. The sun ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hastheth to the place where he arose...The wind goeth towards the south, and turneth about to the north; it wirthleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits.. All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again. -- Ecclesiastes *** Date: Fri, 5 May 1995 13:43:14 EST From: "Sankey, Dave" Subject: Deteriorata This is in response to a request a few days ago. Sorry it took so long; I had to get registered as a contributor. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ from the National Lampoon record album "Radio Dinner". Reproduced without permission. Introduction... You are a fluke Of the universe. You have no right to be here..... Deteriorata! Deteriorata! Go placidly Amid the noise and waste. And remember what comfort there may be In owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons Unless you are in need of sleep. Ro-tate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself And heed well their advice, Even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss.....and when! Consider that two wrongs never make a right But that THREE.........do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment And despite the changing fortunes of time, There is always a big future in computer main-te-nance. Chorus You are a fluke Of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not The universe Is laughing behind your back. Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mu-ti-late. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, Especially with those persons closest to you. That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls Would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; It will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth: The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan And let not the sands of time Get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time call 606-4311; Ask for "Candy." Take heart amid the deepening gloom That your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot It could only be worse in Milwaukee. Chorus You are a fluke Of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not The universe Is laughing behind your back. Therefore, make peace with your god Whatever you conceive him to be--- Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal The world continues to deteriorate. GIVE UP! Reprise You are a fluke Of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not The universe Is laughing behind your back. *** A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui. O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P ips for Prue, trampled flat in a braw l Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. W is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice. Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines" *** As a young girl of nine years old, I was scared to death of the Nazis. I couldn't leave the house. On the day of the liberation, my mother took me by the arm and really pushed me out the door and up the street. But I didn't want to leave the house without a helmet on my head, so afraid I was. -- Doetinchem resident Anne Heezon recalling the liberation of Holland by Canadian troops at the end of the Second World War fifty years ago this month. Holland endured five years of German occupation. Extensive celebrations marking the anniversary of liberation (May 5, 1945), are being held. *** THE RULES 1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she sa id. 15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim. 17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm. 18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5. *** The point I have been patiently trying to make," Godwin said impatiently, "is that you expect far too much of a first sentence. Think of it as analogous to a good country breakfast: what we want is something simple, but nourishing to the imagination. Hold the philosophy, hold the adjectives, just give us a plain subject and perhaps a wholesome, nonfattening adverb or two. -- Godwin to Danny Deck, _Some Can Whistle_ *** The American ideology is composed of the following elements: 1) an anti-reflexive and anti-theoretical bias already noted which in more "liberal" times extended to virtually all intellectual activity; combined, paradoxically, with (2) a more recent concern for accumulating "knowledge," understood as exploitable observations (or observations in principle) having immediate application and "relevance;" undergirded jointly by (3) a false commitment to "objectivity" in the absence of the object being aspired to, derived from scientific rationalism with its unreflexive notion of neutrality, scepticism, and freedom from values and interests: and by (4) a vision of social and political processes as the product of a "piecemeal," trial-and-error approach concerned with procedural legitimacy for its own sake and prone to value a reformist posture toward social change understood as a set of activities played out within the rules of a game which sociological and political knowledge (and knowing) must (italics) emulate and thereby legitimize; (5) a derived contemporary view of this "open" society as eminently exportable, a negation of this very openness which justifies itself by invoking economics, soliology, and politics as disciplines which demonstrate a coming convergence of world societies and cultures and the supremacy and longevity (not to mention permanence) of the American-type Western society. -- H.T. Wilson quoted in Henry Giraux's _Theory and Resistance ..._ *** Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up once in awhile and admit the truth -- that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually beautiful. Possibly even me. -- Angela Chase, My So-Called Life *** My appetite is my shepherd; I always want. It maketh me sit down and stuff myself. It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly. It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper. It destroyeth my shape. Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating For the food tasteth so good. The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me. When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in. As I filleth my plate continuously, My clothes runneth smaller. Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever. *** SURE SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD A BAD FIRST DATE... Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her She has a thicker moustache than you When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan She is better hung than you She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you *** The Five Maxims of Making Excuses 1) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use. 2) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats. 3) Whine convincingly. 4) Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache. 5) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only _two_ grandmothers to attend funerals for. And now, some excuses: - I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you. - The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change. - I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one. - The car ran out of gas. - Well, you never told me I couldn't do that. - _He_ started it. - I have jet lag. - I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight. - I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end. - I missed the bus. - The alarm didn't go off. - I couldn't find a parking space. - The Devil made me do it. - Drugs made me do it. - Everybody else does it. - That's not my department. - Our computer's down. - We must have misplaced your original request. - It's on someone elses desk. - Don't ask me - I just work here. - From "Excuses, excuses" by Leigh Rutledge *** "Rules that we obeyed in the Coyote-Road Runner Series:" 1. The Road Runner cannot harm the coyote exept by going "Beep Beep!" 2. No outside force can harm the Coyote-only his own ineptitude or the failure of the ACME products. 3. The Coyote could stop anytime -- IF he were not a fanatic. "A fanatic is one who redoubles his effort when he has forgotten his aim" -George Santayana. 4. No dialogue ever, except "Beep Beep!" 5. The road Runner must stay on the road -- otherwise, logically, he would not be called Road Runner. 6. All Action must be confined to the natural environment of the two characters -- the Southwest American desert. 7. All material, tools, weapons, or mechanical conveniences must be obtained from the ACME Corporation. 8. Whenever possible, make gravity the Coyote's greatest enemy. 9. The Coyote is always more humiliated than harmed by his failures *** I don't see the de-caf operation taking place in a laboratory. I imagine a building that looks like a gigantic tobacco shed. Dozens of caffeine extractors are sitting at long tables, picking away with their tiny, weirdly shaped tweezers. But what do they do with the caffeine they extract? Is it just piled in heaps around Central American villages, like so much coal slag? If so, isn't there a danger that village dogs might sniff around the heaps and end up being awake for a year and a half? -- American political columnist Calvin Trillin *** Since I hurt my pendulum My life is all erratic. My parrot, who was cordial, Is now transmitting static. The carpet died, a palm collapsed, The cat keeps doing poo. The only thing that keeps me sane Is talking to my shoe. -- My Shoe *** "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" *** A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS 372.01 - Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes. 372.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited. 372.03 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash. 372.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft. 372.05 - It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash!", "Ambulance!", or "Free Scotch!" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 372.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons. 372.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.no fair, that's their stompin' grounds! 372.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same. 372.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 372.10 - Bag Limits Per Day Yellow Bellied sidewinders 2 Two-faced Tortfeasors 1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators 3 Horn Rimmed cut-throats 2 Honest Attorneys PROTECTED (ENDANGERED SPECIES) oxymoron ^^^^^^^^^^> *** These were taken from the newsletter of the Vashon Island, Washington animal-adoption group. DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU? See how many yes answers apply to you. - Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them? - Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress? - Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month? - Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter? - Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have? - Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move? - Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers? - Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork? - Does your cat sleep on your head? - Do you like it? - Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator? - Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote? - Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in? - Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date? - Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? - Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up? DOES YOUR DOG OWN YOU? See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog. - You believe every dog is a lapdog. - If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog. - You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids. - You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog. - You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone. - You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog. - No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s). - You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself. - You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been. - You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names. - You let the neighbor dog sleep over. - You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog. - Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent. - When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice. - You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first. - You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers. - Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over. *** ...In her speech accepting the 1993 Nobel Prize for Literature in Stockholm, Sweden, the author Toni Morrison said this: "Oppressive language does more than represent violence; it is violence." It is not violence.... It is no solution to define words as violence or prejudice as oppression, and then by cracking down on words or thoughts pretend that we are doing something about violence and oppression. No doubt it is easier to pass a speech code or hate-crimes law and proclaim the streets safer than actually to make the streets safer, but the one must never be confused with the other.... Indeed, equating "verbal violence" with physical violence is a treacherous, mischievous business. Not long ago a writer was charged with viciously and gratuitously wounding the feelings and dignity of millions of people. He was charged, in effect, with exhibiting flagrant prejudice against Muslims and outrageously slandering their beliefs. "What is freedom of expression?" mused Salman Rushdie a year after the ayatollahs sentenced him to death and put a price on his head. "Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist." I can think of nothing sadder than that minority activists, in their haste to make the world better, should be the ones to forget the lesson of Rushdie's plight: for minorities, pluralism, not purism, is the answer. The campaigns to eradicate prejudice --- all of them, the speech codes and workplace restrictions and mandatory therapy for accused bigots and all the rest --- should stop, now. The whole objective of eradicating prejudice, as opposed to correcting and criticizing it, should be repudiated as a fool's errand. Salman Rushdie is right, Toni Morrison wrong, and minorities belong at his side, not hers. -- Jonathon Rauch, in an essay in the May 1995 issue of Harper's Magazine *** It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughtout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. None of less we do realize the critical importance of idividuals being able to properly experss their feelings when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code phrase replacements has been compiled so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive co-workers. OLD PHRASE PREFERED NEW PHRASE No fucking way! I'm certain that's not feasible. You've got to be shitting me. Really? Tell someone who gives a fuck. Perhaps you should check with... Ask me if I give a fuck. Of course I'm concerned. It's not my fucking problem. I wasn't involved with that project. What the fuck? Interesting. Fuck it, it won't work. I'm not sure I can implement this. Why the fuck didn't you tell me that I'll try to schedule that. sooner? When the fuck do you expect me to do Perhaps I can work late. this? Who the fuck cares? Are you sure this is a problem? He's get his head up his ass. He's not familiar with the problem. Eat shit! You don't say. Eat shit and die. Excuse me? Eat shit and die motherfucker. Excuse me Sir? What the fuck do they want from my life? They weren't happy with it? Kiss my ass. So you'd like my help with it? Fuck it, I'm on salary. I don't think you understand. Shove it up your ass. I love a "challenge". Who the hell died and made you the boss? You want me to take care of this. Blow me. I see. Blow yourself. Do you see? Another fucking meeting? Yes, we really should discuss this. I really don't give a shit. I don't think it will be a problem. He's a fucking prick. He's somewhat insensitive. She's a ball-breaking bitch. She's an aggfressive go-getter. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. I think you could use more training. This place is all fucked up. We're a little disorganized. From: Philip Hebbes *** IVY LEAGUE LIGHTBULB JOKES: How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two---one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician. How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven---one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience. How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb? They have lightbulbs all the way out there? How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb? Duh, what's a lightbulb? How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but they get six credits for it. How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb? Seventy-six---one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the ulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest. How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb? None. New Haven looks better in the dark. How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb? One---they hold the bulb and the world revolves around them. *** Living in the land of the Republicans, one is constantly reminded of that Grand Old Party member, Dan Quayle. I came across these recently and in light of what is going on here, thought them appropriate. (I cannot cite the source other than it came out of his mouth.) "Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It's the other way around. They never vote for us." "Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement." (tell that to Nicholas Leeson!) "People are not homeless if they're sleeping in the streets of their own hometowns." *** RECIPE FOR LOVE CAKE Ingredients: 2 Laughing Eyes 2 Loving Arms 2 Well Shaped Legs 2 Firm Milk Containers 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl 2 Large Nuts 1 Large Banana Method: 1. Look into Loving Eyes. 2. Fold in Loving Arms. 3. Spread Well Shaped Legs. 4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. 5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed. 6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief. Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl. N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately. *** Shall I compare thee to a cup of joe? Thou art more tastey and more temperate; Rough winds may chill my cup and cause me woe; Or some fool may have put decaf in it. Sometimes too hot a cup of coffe pours, And often bitter and acidic swill; And, too, one must worry when out of doors, By chance he may his morning java spill. But thy eternal beauty shall not fade, Nor disappoint me with flavor vapid; Forever will I drink the mud that you have made, And always shall make mine heart be rapid. So long as mouths can drink, or eyes can see, So long lives this----I raise my mug to thee. *** If we didn't have birthdays, you wouldn't be you. If you'd never been born, well then what would you do? If you'd never been born, well then what would you be? You *might* be a fish! Or a toad in a tree! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes! You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes. Or worse than all that . . . Why, you might be a WASN'T! A Wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't. A Wasn't just isn't. He just isn't present. But you . . . You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant! So we'll go to the top of the toppest blue space, The Official Katroo Birthday Sounding-Off Place! Come on! Open your mouth and sound off at the sky! Shout loud at the top of your voice, "I AM I! ME! I am I! And I may not know why But I know that I like it. *Three cheers!* I AM I!" -- Dr. Seuss *** Sonnet XVIII Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date: Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, And often is his gold complexion dimm'd; And every fair from fair sometime declines, By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd; But thy eternal summer shall not fade Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest; Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade, When in eternal lines to time thou growest: So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this and this gives life to thee. -- William Shakespeare *** Don't outshine your boss. Find each person's "handle", his weak point. Know when to be evasive. Write your intentions in cipher. Do, but also seem. Let someone else take the hit. Don't step into the huge gap left by someone else. Never compete with someone who has nothing to lose. Use human means as though divine ones didn't exist, and divine ones as though there were no human ones. Always behave as though others were watching. -- Baltasar Gracian, 17th century Spanish Jesuit, _The Art of Worldly Wisdon_; translated by Christopher H. Maurer; quoted in Vanderbilt's "Cornerstone", the A & S News quarterly *** A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys By Mikki Halpin and Victoria Maat ------------------------------------------- So, your crush on the bass player from Vibrating Sandbox has finally died a whimpering death and you're wondering where to go from here. All the sinister dudes are either dating a series of interchangeable high-school riot girls in baby doll dresses and an overdose of manic panic, or permanently shacked up with some bitter old lady who pays all the bills. Which will it be, a wifely prison or a humiliating one night stand? Into this void of potential mates comes a man you may not have considered before, a man of substance, quietude and stability, a cerebral creature with a culture all his own. In short, a geek. Why Geek Dudes Rule They are generally available. Other women will tend not to steal them. They can fix things. Your parents will love them. They're smart. Where The Geek Dude Lurks While they are often into alternative music, geek dudes tend not to go to shows too often. Instead you'll find them hanging out with their friends, discussing the latest hardware revolution or perfecting their Bill Gates impressions. You know how some people wear t-shirts with their favorite bands on them, thus showing that they went to certain shows? Well, geek dudes wear t-shirts with the logos of different software companies on them, thus showing that they are up on the latest, um, releases. A small, though convivial, rivalry may be detected here amongst the geek dudes. Try wearing one yourself and see if he strikes up a conversation. Of course the best way to meet a geek dude is through the Internet. All geeks harbor a secret fantasy about meeting some girl in cyberspace, carrying on an e-mail romance in which he has the chance to combine an activity he is comfortable with, computing, with one he is very uncomfortable with, socializing. To many geek dudes, cyberdating is just an advanced form of some kind of video game, but they are frustrated by a lack of players. Their lack is your strength. Imprinting You might notice that these men harbor some strange ideas about how the world works and some particularly strange ideas about women. There is a reason for this. Because they've had limited interpersonal experience, geek dudes must look elsewhere for behavior models. Lacking a real world social milieu, geeks often go through a transference stage with such narratives, and try to model their interactions on them. Thus, certain media images and themes come to have an overly cathected, metaphorized reality to them, while the rest of us view such programming as mere entertainment. Case in point, our next topic... The Trek factor If you're not up on your Star Trek, you can forget about getting or keeping a geek dude. And I'm not just talking vintage-era Captain Kirk and Spock either. You've got to be up on your The Next Generation, your Deep Space Nine, your Babylon 5. Armed with your own knowledge of Federation policies, you can better gauge when and how to act. The sexual politics of Star Trek are pretty blunt: the men run the technology and the ship, and the women are caretakers (a doctor and a counselor). Note the sexual tensions on the bridge of the Enterprise: the women, in skin tight uniforms, and with luxuriant, flowing hair. The men, often balding, and sporting some sort of permanently attached computer auxiliary. This world metaphorizes the fantasies of the geek dude, who sees himself in the geeky-but-heroic male officers and who secretly desires a sexy, smart, Deanna or Bev to come along and deferentially accept him for who he is. If you are willing to accept that this is his starting point for reality, you are ready for a geek relationship. Once You've Nabbed Him Of course, catching that geek guy is only half the battle. Keeping him by your side is another story altogether. I was privileged to speak with Miss Victoria Maat, who not only got herself a geek guy but was also clever enough to marry him just a few short months ago. She interrupted her newlywed bliss to give us a few tips on the care and feeding of a geek man: Geeks are sensitive and caring lovers and husbands. If you can hang with the techno-lifestyle, they make the best mates. They are the most attractive people, not flashy or hunky, but the kind who get cuter and more alluring over time (I told you she was a newlywed). Definitely give geeks a chance. Geek Cuisine Geeks tend towards packaged, junk foods since they prefer to work and think and aren't all that into cooking for themselves. Make sure that your geek understands that you are not merely a replicator, and provide him with home cooked food. A batch of chocolate chip cookies will let him know that you love him. You do have to monitor your geek for weight gain; however, remember that most of their days are spent sitting and staring at a monitor. Geek Lifestyle The geek dude has long work habits and tends to bring his work home with him. He seems permanently connected to his hard disk. You must at least appear interested in his work. Generally, a solid understanding of the computer is a must; if you cannot master this, you should at least be able to talk the talk. Remember most geeks are anal and they get stressed about details which appear insignificant. Be understanding, put on your best Deanna Troi face (see above) and empathize. To relax, geeks love to play the latest computer games. Let him play Myst or Chuck Yeager's Air Combat for hours if he wants to. Act concerned if he's stuck or has just been ambushed by three MiGs. My geek loves to try to help people on the Internet who say that they are stuck in Myst. He comes up with clever riddles instead of directing them point blank. Geeks also like to go to sci-fi and Japanese animated movies, again, a basically harmless vent for your man. Geek Buddies Many geeks extend their work friendships into what they jokingly refer to as RL (Real Life, also known as "that big room with the ceiling that is sometimes blue and sometimes black with little lights"). The greatest thing about your geek's buddies is that you can feel secure in setting them up with your girlfriends. They may feel awkward around females at first, so don't overwhelm them. In time they will come out of their shell and realize that you are into the same things they are. Post-It Note I thank Victoria for the above advice. I must say that when she read my draft of the piece, before writing her section, she asked her husband which one he thought she was more like, Deanna or Beverly. Howard, the devil, immediately replied that he had always thought Victoria was actually most like Ensign Ro Laren, a cute character with a slight authority problem who is always had trouble (this is fairly apt). This exchange is interesting for several reasons: Howard had already thought about who she was most like. He could summon up characters from seasons past with ease. Victoria actually knew who he meant. Folks, I think this marriage will last. One Last Thing Because they have been so abused and ignored by society, many geeks have gone underground. You may actually know some and just haven't noticed them. They often feel resentful, and misunderstood, and it is important to realize this as you grow closer to them. Don't ever try to force the issue, or make crazy demands that he choose between his computer and you. Remember, his computer has been there for him his whole life; you are a new interloper he hasn't quite grasped yet. Geek dudes thrive on mystery and love challenges and intellectual puzzles. Don't you consider yourself one? Wouldn't you like a little intellectual stimulation or your own? We thought so. *** Nobody dast blame this man.. . . For a salesman, there is no rock bottom to the life. He don?t put a bolt to a nut, he don?t tell you the law or give you medicine. He?s a man way out there in the blue, riding on a smile and a shoeshine. And when they start not smiling back?that?s an earthquake. And then you get yourself a couple of spots on your hat, and you?re finished. Nobody dast blame this man. A salesman is got to dream, boy. It comes with the territory. -- Arthur Miller (b. 1915) *** To be is to do. I. Kant To do is to be. J. P. Sartre Do be do be do. F. Sinatra To be or not to be. W. Shakespeare Scooby Dooby Doo. S. Doo (Scooby) Yabba Dabba Doo. F. Flintstone Inka Dinka Doo J. Durante (Jimmy) Boo Boo Be Doop B. Boop (Betty) De do do do, de da da da. The Police *** Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race. All through history, mankind has been bullied by scum. Those who lord it over their fellows and toss commands in every direction and would boss the grass in the meadow about which way to bend in the wind are the most depraved kind of prostitutes. They will submit to any indignity, perform any vile act, do anything to achieve power. The worst off-sloughings of the planet are the ingredients of sovereignty. Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy the whores are us. -- P.J. O'Rourke, _Parliament of Whores_ *** I have spent half my life trying to get away from journalism, but I am still mired in it -- a low trade and a habit worse than heroin, a strange and seedy world full of misfits and drunkards and failures. A group photo of the top ten journalists in America on any given day would be a monument to human ugliness. -- Hunter S. Thompson *** When it comes to the practical issue of whether I shall go to a picture gallery or go home, I invariably find myself mounting a bus and going home. Theoretically, I still haunt Museums and galleries and concert halls. If they were closed I should feel an infinitely poorer man, as though my income of possible pleasures had been cut down. I love the National Gallery and the British Museum, indeed, as noble reserves of pleasure on which I can draw at need. I can bear not visiting them, but I could not bear so easily not having them to visit. Hence I join ardently in every protest against closing a museum or charging admission for it. I do not like the potential I who visits such places to be hampered. It is not that I myself mind paying sixpence, but the potential I (who, as I have said, frequents museums much more than I do) might not have a sixpence. And after all, the museums and art galleries exist for potential visitors as well as actual visitors. They are a part of the rich surroundings of our lives. They make London almost worth living in, whereas without them it would be a wilderness. I like to feel that somewhere or other in the neighbourhood troops of people are shuffling round in high rooms, peering at pictures and staring at statues and paying a puzzled reference to antiquity. They are our representatives in the public appreciation of the arts just as the people who attend political meetings are our representatives in keeping alive the flame of democratic government. -- Robert Lynd, from "On Never Going to the British Museum" The Portable Irish Reader, Viking, 1946. *** This is from "1964 Kaleidoscope," a 1974 National Lampoon parody of a HS yearbook sent to me from DWP (It's very long so it will take 3 installments) *Homeroom104: Ray D. Aider, Clark Barr, Selma Botff, Terry Daktul, Andrea Dorea, Anita Ficks, Denny Grate, Sal Hepatica, Mason Jarr, Morris Kode, Alice Lost, Jerry Mander, Donna Hannah Mealine, Bill Overdew, Frank O. Prussia, Jason Reignbos, Boris Scilley, Jenny Side, Elmer Sklue, Leah Tard, Sal U. Tory, Claire Voyance, Tupper Weir *Homeroom 106: Trudy Ages, Bob Alou, Anna Baptist, Chris Coe, Holly Cost, Rudy Day, Lynn C. Doyle, Mory Eale, Sally Forth, Doug Grave, Helen Highwater, Gerta Loins, Stu Meet, Chip Monk ,Luce Morales, Warren Pease, Vito Powers, Taffy Pull, Amand B. Reckonwith, Isabelle Rining, Otto R. Rottic, Etta Settera, Frieda Slaves, Chuck Steaks, Shara Tan, Jill Tedd, Al B. Tross *Homeroom 110: Bess T. Ality, Paul Bearer, Bertha D. Blues, Brad N. Butter, Muriel Cigars, Molly Coddle, Maria Dentist, Eilenn Dover, Elaine Down, Herb Evore, Karen Fieding, Annetta Fish, Carmen Ghia, Otto Graph, Clem E. Hans, Cary Hout, Mary Inate, Rex Carrs, Mason Knight, Emmy Nems, Lilac A. Rugg, Cary Scene, Dinah Soar, Walt Step, Anne Teak, Waldo Wall *Homeroom 120: Sue Age, Peg Board, Poppy Cox, Graham Crackers, T.V. Dinners, Polly Ester, Hope Ferterbest, Cheri Flip, Amber Griss, Tania Hyde, Barbie Kew, Corey L. Layness, Pat Pending, Carol Singers, Phyllis Stein, Mabel Syrup, Jerry Tall, Peg Trousers, Nan Tucket, Bud Vase, Della Warem, Butch Wax *Homeroom 121: Izz Able, Hedda A Borshun, J.L. Breaker, Cilla Cohen, Tab Collar, Joy Anna DeLyte, Buffy Dinner, Matt A. Dorr, Mike Fright, Emmy Grate, Sherry Herring, Bud Hout, Hugh N. Kry, Jimmy D. Locke, Ali Moe, Laureen Norder, Tad Pole, Kurt Remarque, Dick Shunnary, Fay Slift, Cass Stout, Emile Ticket, Barry Tone, Dawson D. Towel, Bess Twishes, Myron Vundergame, Polly Wannakracker, Sadie Ward, Buddy Yupp *Homeroom 129: Carter Belt, Dale Lee Bread, Sandy Bunz, Kit Anne Caboodle, Ethel L. Cohall, Dan DeLyon, Io Dine, Ann Dow, Bruce Eazley, Tommy Gunn, Linda Hahnd, Al Ive, Al Ivo, Ava Kashun , Kitty Litter, Mona Lott, Bette A. Million, Bert F. Passage, Collie Raddo, Tommi Rott, Trudy U. School, Vera Similitude, Anne Sodabed, Hardy Tack, Theo Terr, Fran Tickley, Brooke Trout, Lee Van der Lurch, Monty Zuma *Homeroom 132: June Bug, Lafayette S. Cadrille, Katy Didd, Sid Down, Arch N. Emmy, Pat Fanny, Denny Hittme, Gary Indiana, Candy Kain, Ruth Less, Sally Mander, Yetta Nudder, Mel Odios, Rhea Polster, Derry Queen, Rhoda Rhee, Simon Sess, Vic Svaporub, Rhea Tard, Ginny Tonic, X.o. Verrisi, Gale Warnings, Max Welhausm, Bette Wetter, Heather N. Yon, Hanz Zoff Homeroom 137: N.M.E Agent, Carson Busses, Earl E. Byrd, Patty Cakes, Derri Anne Connecticut, Moe Dess, Leda Doggslife, Dan Druff, Al Fresco, Ido Hoe, Howie Kisses, Len Lease, Phil Meup, Ira Pent, Ben D. Rules, Ave Sectomy, Gary Shattire, Bobbi Soks, Sheila Takya, Rose Tattoo, Moe Tell, Les Toil, Lionel Train, N.V. Ubble, Mayflower van Lines, Chad A. While, Larry Yet Homeroom 208: Ann Arbor, Ted D. Baer, Etta Burger, Doris Closed, Bard Dahl, Barry Dellive, Robin Droppings, Io Ewe, May Flye, Alma Gedon, Hy Marks, Holly Hox, Chris Kraft, Ellis I. Land, Penny Loafer, Dell Monte, Baxter Nature, Agatha L. Outtahere, Bunny Pellits, Cheri Pitts, Forrest Ranger, Ron Rico, Cole Shute, Gracie Spoon, May Zola Homeroom 222:Penny Ante, Ray Beeze, Barbara Blacksheep, Petey Bowt, Warner Brothers, Mel N. Colic, Petey Cue, B.V. Dease, Benny Fitt, Bette R. Haff, Desi Krashum, Gill D. Lily, Cole Mines, Phil R. Monik, L.O. Quency, Connel Radd, Ben D. Rules, Cleon Sheets, Renata Tampaks, Justin Thyme, Matt Tress, Vic Trola, Al Truist, Aaron Tyres, U.N. Wattarmey, Abe L.N. Willing Homeroom 230: Jerry Atrick, Hy Ball, Jill E. Bean, Kitty Car, Phil Coe, Stella Constellation, Lee Derhosen, Stan Dupp, Hammond Ecks, Fanny Farmer, Golda Fish, Shirley U. Geste, Lou Gubrious, Beverly Hills, Castor Hoyle, Bella Katt, Al Lergy, Ida Lowers, Pete Moss, Rhoda Mule, Missy Perriad, Carolina Rice, Anna Septic, Cass Tigate, Val Voline, Helen Wheels Homeroom 231: Garrison Belt, Bill Board, Aaron Buoy, Rosa Crucion, Cooke Crumbles, Billie Club, Horace Collar, Hal C. N. Days, Brian E. Diepe, Ben Z. Dreene, May K. Fist, Ali Cator, Philippa Hole, Dixie Kupp, Mark Kards, Daryl Lickt, Taylor Maid, Willy Maiket, Perry Mecium, Roger Overndoute, Sam Pellcase, Everet Reddy, Rod N. Reel, Frank N. Sense, Will U. Shudup, Eric Shun, Buddy System, Bert Toast, Hal O. Tosis, Milton Yermouth Homeroom 236 Perry Anthrust, Cora Napple, May Balleen, Frank N. Beans, Terry Cloth, Georgia Cracker, Moe Dess, Dinah Floe, Della Gate, Anna Grahm, B.B. Gunn, Anya Honor, Jacquelyn Hyde, Simon Ize, Eddy Kitt, Mandy Lifeboats, Gerta Loins, Lee Mealone, Marsha Mellow, Johnny Mop, Maida Pass, Allen Rench, Sharon Sharalike, Perry Stalsis, Ty Tannic, Tinka Toy, Matt Tress, Val Vita, Lotta Zitts Homeroom 307: Claire D. Aisle, Barry Berry, Mort R. Board, Lance Boyle, Al O. Bye, Curtiss E. Card, Clara Cill, Idy Clair, Meyer Z. Dhoates, Doe C. Dhoates, Lillian C. D'Ivy, Bud Erdbuns, Chester Fields, Justin Huff, Levi Jaquet, Zelda Karr, Phil Landerer, Bo Linball, Kenny Maikett, Maud O'Lynn, Cliff Pallet, Stu Pendous, George Washington Sleptier, Nick O. Teen, Al Toesaks, Mack Truck, Meg O. Tunn, Neal N. Void Homeroom 311: Marcus Absent, Joan Adog, Claire D. Ayre, Rhonda Campfire, Hose Cannusey, Anne Cestraloam, Flo Dallone, Alfredo D. Darke, Juan Morefore DeRhode, Marco DeStinkshun, Eva Destruction, Alf Fannomega, Juan Formababy, Grace B. Formeels, Pat O. Gonia, Donna History, M.N. Intman, Pilar Knickersoff, Cole LaDrinque, Viva LaFrance, Alma Life, Bessie May Mucho, Lawrence Nightengail, Theopholos Punnoval [WARNING: the following homeroom is naughtier than the others] Homeroom 309: Phil Addio, Honor Back, Claude Balls, Gay Barr, Seymor Butts, I.P. Daily, Ima Dork, Ben Dover, Olga Fokyrcelf, Ben Gay, Ava Gina, Peter Guzzinia, Anita Hahnjob, Warren C. Hardon, Jack Hoff, Buster Hymen, Lotta Krap, Anna Lingus, Connie Lingus, Harry P. Ness, Randy Peters, Harrry Quim, Joy Ragg, Hugh G. Rection, Red Ruffensor, Hugh Suck, Chastity Suks, Dick Tease, Janet Uppissass, Woody Wannamaker, Dick Wipe, Better Yeras G. Purscreepers, O.Very, Q. Gardens, A. Train, U. Nesco, D. Rail, I. Rulmi, B. Keeney, W. Pleasure, W. Funn, T. Totler, P. Ode, E. van Nods, X. Aust, B. Toff, C. E. Lann, Z. Roe, S. Enchal, C. Mann, Y. Knot, X. Pert, C. Andski, B. Wildered, A. Cisco, A. Pancho, B. Ginnersluck, D. Frost, B. Hind, D. Cease, D. Cyst, E. Valdeeds, A. Lass, I. Dolatry, D. Duest, E. Gerlipz, E. Leventhower, M. Reldail, X. Presstrain, L. Bent, E. Titraw, U. Mennature, I. Yoda, I. Hopes, J. Lerr, D. Kup, Y. Bother, B. Elty, R. Cain, D. Formed, B. Girl, O. Clahoma, E. Nuff, P. Quad, A. Orta, X. Rey, Z. Pitts, T. Schirt, A. Nuss, E. Quator, A. Winner, D. Troit, E. Zelay, B. Ware, T. Bone, I. Dedd, N. Emma, C.X. Lencey, A. Moral, C. Gull, P. Koates, L. Lowe, P. Ness, A. Okey, D. Wurst, U. Trau, G. Whiss, N. Doverend, C. Bass, S. Cape, O. Fay, D. Pleat, G. Sass, A. Null, D. Soto, P. Pole, D. Toxin, I. Wash, N. Tropy, T. Fertue, P. Brain, U. Boat, K. Neincorr, T. Square, E. Sophogus, D. Bate, B. Sanbirds, X. Benedict, R. Sonn, K. Passo, V. Neck, T. Leaves, C. Senor, C. Spotrunn, G. Willikers, X. Zema, O. Tannenbaum, N. Sanity, F. Stopp, X. Sitt, C. Klamp, U. Bolt, I. Beam, D. Tease, I. Dentity, B. Hive, O. Valtine, I. Rate, E. Late, K. Ration, B. Delumbum, M. Plode, X. Plode, R. D'Vark, A. Kingvoid, B. Yondapale, D. Day, N. Vinceable, D. Gustibus, C. Sonspass, D. Manrun, E. Velli, D. Billatating, N. Fant, S. Caypartis, E. Ternallov, D. Voutehope, E. Claire, V. Savvy, B. Aman, T. Doff, B. Bites, L. Efant, A. Cappella, F. Fervessant, J. Hawker, E. Leet, D. Minus, B. Gatt, P. King, A. Hole, O. Leo, G. Mann, S. Oteria, E. Rupt, I. Pana, G. String, Q. Tipp, C. Yousoon, M. Ulate, E. Zeoff, C. Chanty, O. Fudge, A. Baum, A. Dobie, P. Cann, F. Fort, D. Gennerett, P. Knutt, G. Raff, A. Pendex, C. Sick, C. Note, K. Ryst, Q. Pidd, C. Shell, R. Towne, E. Zeeout, N. D'Vennaira, T. Byrd, N. Chovey, O. Full, O. Kay, D. Licious, T. Kettle, U. Needa, J. Walker, I. Dunno, T. Bagg, R. Chury, A. Frame, A. Delweiss, Z. Bra, B. Chermeat, U. Betcheras, Q. Ball, R. Snick, P. Sanques, U. Turn, C. Breese, B. Stoveburden Original Source "1964 Kaleidoscope" a 1974 National Lampoon parody of a High School yearbook *** I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh not deprived but rather underprivileged) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary. -- Jules Feiffer, 1965 *** "But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked. "Oh, you ca'n't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." "How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here." -- Lewis Carroll, _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ *** Date: Mon, 22 May 1995 05:51:04 -0500 From: Karen Hughes Subject: dobedo DISCLAIMER: This is only a compilation of all the versions that people have heard one time or another. It isn't necessarily correct :) Mail me if you have any more, thanks, Karen. To be is to do. J.P.Sartre To be is to do. Descartes To be is to do. I.Kant To do is to be. J.P.Sartre To do is to be. Nietszche To do is to be. Plato Do be do be do. Frank Sinatra To be or not to be. William Shakespeare Scooby Dooby Doo. Scooby Doo Yabba Dabba Doo. Fred Flintstone Inka Dinka Doo Jimmy Durante Boo Boo Be Doop Betty Boop Boop Boop A Doop Betty Boop De do do do, de da da da. The Police Doo Wah Diddy. Manfred Mann Do be a Do Bee, don't be a Don't Bee. Miss "?" from Romper Room The way you do the things you do. The Temptations A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom. Little Richard A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop, a-wop-bam-boom. Grease 222B Baker Street. Address next door to Sherlock Holmes 222B or not 222B. S'one confused about S.Holmes' address Da da da dum. Ludwig Van Beethoven Dada baba. A child learning to speak Dum dum dum dum. The sound of the Energizer Bunny Pom pom pom pom. Flowers singing in Alice in Wonderland Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do. Musical scale Doe Ray Me Far Sew La Tea Doe. The Sound of Music ...give...me you...an...swer...dooo... HAL 9000 Just Do It. Nike Just Do Do. Nike bumper sticker (found in Oregon) Cockadoodle, I say doodle, do, son. Foghorn Leghorn Hey Boo Boo. Yogi Bear ...sing this song: Doo-dah, Doo-dah. Camptown Races Do Be Wah. Peter Frampton Do be do be do da day Stevie Wonder Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do Zippety Do-Dah, Zippety-ay. Uncle Remus (Songs of the South) Day-O. Daaaaaayyyy-Oh. Harry Belafonte Doobie oobie walla, doobie abba nabba. Good morning Starshine (from Hair) *** Abort, Retry, Ignore? Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" *** DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________ (1) (2) (3) 1. 2. 3. on the highway in September that purple dress in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants on probation all hunched over the stolen goods in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin incognito with joggers the neon sign in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts she wore; She was ______ _____, (4) (5) 4. 5 sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra smellin' kind of funny when she shot me crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever; (6) (7) (8) 6. 7. 8. no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with her that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her mind she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if swear off booze that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink change my sex I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her out they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said hate her dog what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought pick my nose that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go Fish" that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____ (9) (10) 9. 10. our love would never die run off there was no other guy wind up man wasn't meant to fly boogie that Nixon didn't lie yodel her basset hound was shy sky dive that Rolaids made her high turn green she'd have a swiss on rye freak out she loved my one blue eye blast off her brother's name was Hy make it she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out that birthdays made her cry bobsled she couldn't stand my tie grovel ___________; _________ goodbye. (11) (12) 11. 12. with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said in my Edsel I never had the chance to say on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked. *** BUZZWORDS FOR MANAGERS ========================== COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III --------------------- --------------------- -------------------- 0. integrated 0. management 0. options 1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility 2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 4. functional 4. digital 4. programming 5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios 6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT. *** Dear Mr. Conners, Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Sincerely, Anthony Tiger *** God and the Devil are arguing over whose turn it is to fix the Gates. God says,"Hey look, it's your turn to fix them. I fixed them last time." The devil says,"No way. They're you're gates. I don't want to fix them. What are ya gonna do if I don't fix them?" God says, "I'll sue you." The Devil says, "Oh yeah? Where are you gonna find a lawyer?" *** VR.1 --------- Computer Screen VR.2 -- Interactive Video Game VR.3 -------- Flight Simulator VR.4 ------------- Cyber Space VR.5 - Virtual Sensory Reality *** A lady enters a Basc and Robbins and tells the clerk " Give me a gallon of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says " I'm sorry, but we are out of chocolate." The woman says " Well, a alright, I'll take a quart of chocolate." The clerk says " Lady, I told you, we are out of chocolate." She says " Well then, give me a pint of chocolate." The frustrated guy asks " Lady, how do you spell the van in vanilla?" She hesitates and the says " Van." The clerk asks " How do you spell the straw in strawberry?" She answers exasperatedly " Straw!" He asks " How do you spell the fuck in chocolate?" She indignantly replies " There ain't no fuck in chocolate." The clerk triumphantly answers " THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" *** To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work. There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations: 1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and, 2. Going to meetings. Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings. The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this). At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next. But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings. The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting. An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead," you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living. You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles). If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss). If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right of the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room. Origin: On 24 May 1995 at 11:39, Andy Franklin (andy@ontos.mhs.compuserve.com) wrote the above in one piece to the Infinite Joke List (jokes@infinite.ihub.com). *** Reasons Why a Slide Rule (and Paper Pad) are Better than a Computer 1. A slide rule doesn't shut down abruptly when it gets too hot. 2. One hundred people all using slide rules and paper pads do not start wailing and screaming due to a file server failure. 3. A slide rule doesn't smoke whenever the power supply hiccups. 4. A slide rule doesn't care if you smoke, or hiccup. 5. You can spill coffee on a slide rule; you can use a slide rule while completely submerged in coffee. 6. You never get nasty system messages about filling up your entire paper quota. 7. A slide rule and paper pad fit in a briefcase with space left over for lunch and a change of underwear. 8. You don't get junk mail offering pricey slide rule upgrades. 9. A slide rule doesn't need scheduled hardware maintenance. 10. A paper pad supports text and graphics images easily, and can be easily upgraded from monochrome to color. 11. Slide rules are designed to a standardized, open architecture. 12. You can hold a slide rule at arm's length, to hit the obnoxious person at the next seat over. 13. A slide rule is immune to viruses, worms, and other depredations from hostile adolescents with telephones. 14. Additional paper pads can be integrated into the system seamlessly without reconfiguring anything. 15. Nobody will make you feel bad by introducing a smaller, faster, cheaper slide rule next month. *** Are You a Guy? Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wear- ing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control. How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. *** Rules to be a Man (100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing) 1 Don't call, ever. 2 If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. 3 Lie. 4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike" 5 If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them. 6 Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go out with me? 7 Drink Vernors. 8 Play with yourself. Talk about it. 9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do. 10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault. 11 Lie 12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths. 13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis. 14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. 15 Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc. 16 If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why,just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality." 17 If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. 18 TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. 19 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine. 20 One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. 21 Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. 22 Say things like "Wha...?" 23 Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks. 24 Lie. 25 Deny everthing. Everything. 26 Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me." 27 If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know. 28 Don't have a clue. 29 If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. 30 No means yes. 31 Yes means no. 32 If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times. 33 If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise. 34 Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. 35 Feelings? What feelings? 36 Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant." 37 Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass. 38 Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradicate all of them from the planet. 39 DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day." 40 Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so. 41 At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right. 42 Lie. 43 "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it. 44 A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. 45 Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle. 46 Lie. 47 ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it. 48 If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. 49 Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color. 50 Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. 51 It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. 52 Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc. 53 Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining. 54 Lie. 55 Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 56 Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 57 If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction. 58 You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity. 59 You are male, therefore you are superior. 60 Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out. 61 Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. 62 Don't ever notice anything. 63 If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her. 64 Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. 65 Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. 66 Lie. 67 If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. 68 Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway? 69 If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know." 70 Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away. 71 Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. 72 If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you. 73 Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. 74 If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. 75 Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others. 76 Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud. 77 Lie. 78 General Rule: Different is BAD. 79 If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life. 80 Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run. 81 If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?" 82 Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. 83 Lie. 84 If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in. 85 When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then." 86 Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.) 87 If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship. 88 The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top. 89 Practice your blank stare. 90 Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass. 91 If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again. 92 If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things. 93 Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!" 94 Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies. 95 Beer. Then more beer. 96 Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people. 97 One word: FOOTBALL! 98 Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we??? 99 Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang". 100 Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof. *** A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes." *** "The Oyster" The oyster's a confusing suitor It's masc., and fem., and even neuter. At times it wonders, what may come, Am I husband, wife or chum. -- Ogden Nash *** I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first...get it out of the way. Then you live twenty years in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, You get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young Enough to enjoy your retirement. You go to college, You party until you're ready for high school, You become a little kid, you play, You have no responsibilities, You become a baby boy or girl, You go back into the womb, You spend your last nine months floating. And you finish off as a gleam in someone's eye. -- "How to Live Between Office Visits" by Dr. Bernie Siegel *** Hello Muddah Hello Faddah Here I am at Camp Granada Camp is very Entertaining And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining I went hiking With Joe Spivey he developed poision ivy You remember Lennard Skinner He got tomane poisioning last night after dinner All the councilers hate the waiters and the lake has alligators and the head coach wants no sissies so he reads to us from something called Ulissies Take me home Oh, muddah, faddah take me home I hate Granada don't leave me out in the the forest where I might get eaten by a bear Take me home I promise I will not make noise or mess the house with other boys oh please don't make me stay I've been here one whole day Wait a minute it's stopped raining guys are swimming guys are sailing playing baseball gee.. that's bettah muddah faddah kindly disregard this lettah. *** In criticizing media priorities and biases we often draw on the media themselves for at least some of the facts. This affords the opportunity for a classic non sequitur, in which the citations of facts from the mainstream press by a critic of the press is offered as a triumphant "proof" that the criticism is indeed self-refuting, and that media coverage of disputed issues is indeed adequate. That the media provide some facts about an issue, however, proves absolutely nothing about the adequacy and accuracy of that coverage. The mass media do, in fact, literally suppress a great deal, as we will describe in the chapters that follow. But even more important in this context is the question of the attention given to a fact -- its placement, tone, and repetitions, the framework of analysis within which it is presented, and the related facts that accompany it and give it meaning (or preclude its understanding). That a careful reader looking for a fact can sometimes find it with diligence and a skeptical eye tells us nothing about whether that fact received the attention and context which it deserved, whether it was intelligible to the reader or effectively distorted or suppressed. What level of attention it deserved may be debatable, but there is no merit to the pretense that because certain facts may be found in the media by a diligent and skeptical researcher, the absence of radical bias and de facto suppression is thereby demonstrated. [Footnote: A careful reader of the Soviet press could learn facts about the war in Afghanistan that controvert the government line -- see chapter 5, pp. 226-27 -- but these inconvenient facts would not be considered in the West to demonstrate the objectivity of the Soviet press and the adequacy of its coverage of this issue.] -- Edward S. Herman and Noam Chomsky, Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media, Pantheon Books, 1988 *** "'Unless you take an E,' explains the boy crouched on the floor in front of me, 'you won't understand the vibe.' "I have another theory: being off your face on a drug that induces artificial happiness is the only way such an appalling experience can be made tolerable. But my thesis is flawed. Outside, in the main hall, the rave thuds and grinds. Timothy Leary spoke of the inalienable correlation between environment and state of mind: the inherent dangers of taking LSD at Reading Station surrounded by soldiers. But compared to tonight, that scenario seems as delightful as sitting in a cotton wool field hugging a giant kitten. I can't understand why *everyone* here isn't having a bad trip. I am having a bad trip and I haven't taken anything. -- Jon Ronson, The Guardian, March 11th 1995, on not enjoying raves *** Sen. Everett Dirksen was once asked his voting strategy on controversial issues. In a voice like rolling thunder Dirksen responded: "When I face an issue of great import that cleaves both constituents and colleagues, I always take the same approach. I engage in deep deliberation and quiet contemplation. I wait to the last available minute and then I always vote with the losers. Because, my friend, the winners never remember and the losers never forget." *** The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question, "How can we eat?", the second by the question "why do we eat?" and the third by the question, "Where shall we have lunch?" *** The Dragons Are Singing Tonight Tonight is the night all the Dragons Awake in their lairs underground, To sing in cacophonous chorus And fill the whole world with their sound. They sing of the days of their glory, They sing of their exploits of old, Of maidens and knights, and of fiery fights, And guarding vast caches of gold. Some of their voices are treble, And some of their voices are deep, But all of their voices are thunderous, And no one can get any sleep. I lie in my bed and I listen, Enchanted and filled with delight, To songs I can hear only one night a year- The Dragons are singing tonight. -- J. Prelutsky *** Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would not take the garbage out! She'd scour the pots and scrape the pans, Candy the yams and spice the hams, And though her daddy would scream and shout, She simply would not take the garbage out. And so it piled up to the ceilings: Coffee grounds, potato peelings, Brown bananas, rotten peas, Chunks of sour cottage cheese. It filled the can, it covered the floor, It cracked the window and blocked the door With bacon rinds and chicken bones, Drippy ends of ice cream cones, Prune pits, peach pits, orange peel, Gloppy glumps of cold oatmeal, Pizza crust with withered greens, Soggy beans and tangerines, Crusts of black burned buttered toast, Grisly bits of beefy roasts... The garbage rolled on down the hall, It raised the roof it broke the wall... Greasy napkins, cookie crumbs, Globs of gooey bubble gum, Cellophane from green baloney, Rubbery blubbery macaroni, Peanut butter, caked and dry, Curdled milk and crusts of pie, Moldy melons, dried up mustard, Eggshells mixed with lemon custard, Cold french fries and rancid meat, Yellow lumps of Cream of Wheat. At last the garbage reached so high That finally it touched the sky. And all the neighbors moved away, And none of her friends would come to play. And finally Sarah Cynthia Stout said, "OK, I'll take the garbage out!" But then, of course, it was too late... The garbage reached across the state, >From New York to the Golden Gate. And there, in the garbage she did hate, Poor Sarah met an awful fate, That I cannot right now relate Because the hour is much too late. But children remember Sarah Stout And always take the garbage out! -- S.S. *** Eighteen Flavors Eighteen luscious, scrumptious flavors- Chocolate, lime and cherry, Coffee, pumpkin, fudge-banana, Caramel cream and boysenberry, Rocky road and toasted almond, Butterscotch, vanilla dip, Butter brickle, apple ripple, Coconut and mocha chip, Brandy peach and lemon custard, Each scoop lovely, smooth and round, Tallest ice cream cone in town, Lying there (sniff) on the ground. -- S.S. *** The One Who Stayed You should have heard the old men cry, You should have heard the biddies When that sad stranger raised his flute And piped away the kiddies. Katy, Tommy, Meg and Bob Followed, skipping gaily, Red-haired Ruth, my brother Rob, And little crippled Bailey, John and Nils and cousin Claire Dancin', spinnin', turnin' 'Cross the hills to God knows where They never came returnin'. 'Cross the hills to God knows where The piper pranced. a leadin' Each child in Hamlin Town but me, And I stayed home unheedin'. My papa says that i was blest Fo rif that music found me, I'd be witch-cast like all the rest This town grows old around me. I cannot say i did not hear That sound so haunting hollow- I heard, I heard, I heard it clear... I was afraid to follow. -- S.S. *** If You Don't Believe In Dragons If you don't believe in Dragons, It is curiously true That the Dragons you disparage Choose to not believe in you. -- J. Prelutsky *** Once They All Believed In Dragons Once they all believed in Dragons When the world was fresh and young, We were woven into legends, Tales were told and songs were sung, We were treated with obesiance, We were honored, we were feared, Then one day they stopped believeing- On that day, we disappeared. Now they say our time is over, Now they say we've lived our last, Now we're treated with derision Where once we ruled unsurpassed. We must make them all remember, In some way we must reveal That our spirits live forever- We are Dragons! We are real! -- J. Prelutsky *** Date: Fri, 2 Jun 1995 09:20:02 -0400 From: JBologna James Bologna Subject: Humor: Top 10 philisophical questions - answered... This was R. Spain's design for the Macalester Philosophy Club t-shirts. (on the shirts, the questions are on front and the answers on back...) (From my NutWorks Archive) The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time, Answered! 10. How do I know anything really exists? -Kick it *really* hard. 9. What is the essence of being human? -Not understanding the opposite sex. 8. If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? -Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows. 7. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a computer simulation of life? -Look in the mirror. If you see a gray, spongy thing in a glass container, you are. 6. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies? -If they could, we'd just send our minds to class and sleep in every morning. 5. Is there a God? -A billion Hindus can't be wrong. 4. What is the nature of Knowledge? -I'm still trying to figure out the nature of *college*. 3. What is the meaning of life? -All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate. 2. Why get a Philosophy degree? -It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to drink lots of espresso. 1. So, was Kant on drugs or what? -Probably. *** Darn body oat meal stream, Wear a first mate shoe, Ouija eyesore blue Dresden gingham, two. It was there anew Thatch a loft me too. Ewe were sixteen, Marvel itch Queen, Darn body oat meal stream! --Dave Morrah *** "Lament of a 4SAKN Lover" U 4N female K9's son, U KG CD flea, My heart CCCC its hope's DK; Your AAAA on my QT may Have B10 me, I C. U C me 2 N N8 worth Be W, no less; Your MT BD glances bore My II; had I IIIIIIIIII more, They'd bore me 2 XS. Y 1 should fall 4 U S hard 4 NE 1 2 C; Your PP never fit U L; N this, N all, I U XL; Yet 0's left 4 me. With NRG and EZ skill U 1 1 I love well I NV U that 1 B9, U 4N S, and hourly price 4 U 2 B N L. --Willard R. Espy *** The video work is memorable, but a lot if it is also, in plain English, annoying - not shocking or disturbing but just exasperating as hell. Walking through the Naumann show, you may, in fact, have the slightly blasphemous thought that the Annoying has become to our decade what the Boring was to the nineteen-sixties - the O.K. avant-garde emotion. We have a tolerance for a kind of highbrow art - the movies of Peter Greenaway, say, or the novels of Paul Auster - that, though not dull, and sometimes quite profound, is endlessly aggravating. Boring and Annoying are both late-modern categories, in the simple sense that they presume an audience willing to put with a lot, and also an audience no longer held by shock. Boring presumes a captive audience; Annoying presumes one with a short attention span. I think it was Philip Larkin who once said that some Greek long ago taught us that things that make us miserable might be good for us. But there is a difference between being made miserable by too much harsh or confusing emotion and being made miserable by loud noises shouted at you by an artist wearing clown makeup. -- Adam Gopnik, reviewing an exhibition of the work of conceptual artist Bruce Naumann in _The New Yorker_ *** World Lines A War Story by Howard Nemerov And there I was, is how these things begin, Doing my final exam, a solo test Of navigation by dead reckoning; If you got there and back, you had to pass. I got there in good shape, a mining town Far north of nowheresville, and had turned for home When the cloud closed down and the snow swept in, Nothing but speeding snow and darkness white, But I found the spur of a railroad headed south, The Iron Compass, the Lost Flyer's Friend, And followed that at a couple of hundred feet Until it tunneled into the side of a hill, And there I was. What then? What happened then? Now who was I to know what happened then, A kid just out of school the year before? His buttons and bones are somewhere out there still. *** The Procrastinator's Creed 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two- Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized. *** QUOTES ON THE NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE Carl Zwanzig "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." Douglas Adams "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." Albert Einstein "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Unknown "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things." Edward P. Tryon "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." John Andrew Holmes "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." Max Frisch "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it." Kilgore Trout "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest." Woody Allen "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." Douglas Adams "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." William J. Broad "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing." Rich Cook "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Fred Hoyle "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." Ray Bradbury "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe." Christopher Morley "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed." Edward Chilton "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge." Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson) "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." *** Let us suppose that in _The School for Scandal_, Sheridan had decided that Sir Peater Teazle had called in two ruffians who beat up Lady Teazle so that she fell, bleeding and senseless. Or, that in _Pride and Prejudice_, Mr Bennet, unable to endure Mr Collins any longer, had knocked his brains out with a paperweight. Neither the play nor the novel would be a classic but only a curiosity, known to a few scholars. But what I am doing now, just being silly? Not at all. I am offering a little advice to the new playwrights and novelists. If they are creating plays and novels about violence and crime, well and good. But if they are writing plays an novels, for example, that are concerned with why Henry and his father misunderstand each other, they must avoid scenes so violent that we want to scream for a doctor and the police. Once we are shot into this atmosphere, the subtleties of personal relationships, pyschological lights and shadows, diminish and probably disappear. I admit that men of genius, working on a great scale, have successfully taken us from one atmosphere into another. But, still advising new playwrights and novelists, I would suggest they assume they are not men of genius, about to work on a great scale. Even the geniuses were nearly always cautious at first. -- J.B. Priestley (QFTD discussion groups may wish to use today's suggested topic: "who would like to pass this on to Brad Fraser and Quentin Tarantino?") *** The little boy went first day of school, He got his crayons and he started to draw. He put colors all over the paper, For colors were what he saw. The teacher said 'What are you doing, young man?' 'I'm painting flowers!' he said. 'It's not the time for art, young man, And anyway flowers are green and red. There's a time for everything, young man, A way it should be done. You've got to show concern for everyone else, For you're not the only one.' And she said: 'Flowers are red, young man, and green loeaves are green. There's no need to see flowers any other way Than the way they always have been seen.' But the little boy said: 'There are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in the morning sun, So many colors in the flower, and i see every one.' The teacher said 'You're sassy! There's ways that things should be, And you'll paint flowers the way they are, So repeat after me!' 'Flowers are red, and green leaves are green!' But the little boy said again: 'There are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in the morning sun, So many colors in the flower, and I see every one!' Well, the teacher put him in the corner. She said, 'It's for your own good, And you won't come out until you get it right And are responding like you should.' Finally he got lonely, Frightened thoughts filled his head, So he went up to that teacher And this is what he said: 'Flowers are red, and green leaves are green. There's no need to see flowers any other way Than the way they always have been seen.' Well, time went by like it always does, They moved to another town, And the little boy went to another school. This is what he found: The teacher there was smiling. She said, 'Painting should be fun! And there are so many colors in the flower, So let's use every one.' But the little boy'd been painting flowers In neat rows of green and red. When the teacher asked him why, This is what he said: 'Flowers are red, and green leaves are green. There's no need to see flowers any other way Than the way they always have been seen.' -- Harry Chapin *** Date: Sun, 4 Jun 1995 10:07:03 GMT-5 From: Little Joe Subject: Book Titles (Part 1 of 2) Thanks to all who responded and sent fictitious book titles! Some had many variations and are not all printed here. "100 Yards to the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit and its sequal "The Slippery Path" by Betty Dont (Those two, in one form or another, were the most common!) Others: "Trail Through the Desert" by Peter Dragon "The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls "Tracks in the Sand" by Wun Hung Lo "Blind Man's Bluff" by I.C. Nuttin "Waiting for a Bus" by Stan Dinghere "Hanging Out with the Boys" by Peter S. Longer "Looking for Love" by Ivonna Hooker "Twist and Shout" by Torri Nado "The Ruptured Chinaman" by One Hung Low "Spots on the Wall" by Hoo Flung Poo "Shorter Skirts" by Seymour Butts "Hole in the Bed" by Mr. Completely "Antlers in the Treetops" by Who Goosed the Moose "Yellow River" by I.P. Daley "Five Years in the Saddle" by Major Ashburn "Open Toga" by Seymour Hair "Miles and Miles of Little Brown Piles" by Squat & Run "Threesome" by Sharon Peters "Moon Shine" by Ilene Dover "The Butt Man" by Phil McCrevis "The Constipated Clergyman" by Pastor Hardy "Behind the Pyramid" by Mustapha Crap "How to Write your Name in the Snow" by I.P. Standing "Rusted Bedsprings" by I.P. Nightly "Trenches in the Snow" by Peter Dragon "The Glass Bikini" and "The Open Kimono" by Seymour Hair "The Purple River" by I.P. Querely "Under the Boardwalk" by I.M. Sandy "The Mexican Quick Step" by Dia Rhea (and sisters Pia and Gona) "Ruptured" by Hu Kiki Diki "Blood on the Hurdles" by Won Hung Lo "How I Lost the War" by General Confusion "Tragedy on the Cliff" by Eileen Dover "Thunder Lizard" by Dino Saur "Spots in the Desert" by I.C. Kammelcrapp "Sliding Down the Flagpole" by Dick Burns "Birth Control in Russia" by Ivan Kutchercockoff "Suicide Leap" by Hugo Furst "A Study of Spotted Wall Designs in Excavatioons of Ancient Chinese Dwellings" by Hoo Flung Doo "Pregnant Cow" by Boris Bulgonin "Chinese Torture" by Hu Chu Mein "Unsolved Mystery" by Ida Know "Valley Girl Diary" by Oma Gawd "Gay Lifestyles" by Ben Dover and Eileen Dover *** A group of the world's leading computer scientists got together and created a gigantic computer. It had hundreds of 120 pentium chips linked together, more than 1,000 ten gigabyte hard drives and ran at speeds in excess of 5,000 MHz. After months of feeding in data, the leading scientist sat down at the keyboard and typed in, "Is there a God?" The answer instantly flashed up on the huge monitor, "There is NOW!" *** Excerpts from "An indispensable guide to DANGEROUS ENGLISH! for language learners and others" by Elizabeth Claire. 1. American (acceptable) U.S. Citizen (acceptable) Yankee (slang, not offensive to Americans, although it may be said in a derogatory way by people in the other countries, i.e.,"Yankee go home.") Gringo (mildly derogatory. Mexican and Southwestern use) 2. Arab (acceptable) Ayrab (derogatory) 3. Asian (acceptable) Gook (extremely offensive) Slant (extremely offensive) 4. African-American (acceptable) Black (acceptable) Boy (derogatory) Coon (slang. extremely offensive) Nigger (extremely offensive) Spade (slang. offensive) Spook (slang. offensive) 5. British (acceptable) Limey (humorous) WASP (acceptable or derogatory, depending on the context and who is speaking) 6. Chicano (acceptable) Mex (slang. derogatory) Spic (derogatory) 7. Chinese (acceptable) Chinaman (slang. mildly derogatory) Chink (slang. derogatory) 8. French (acceptable) Frog (humorous or mildly derogatory) 9. Canadian (acceptable) Canuck (slang. sometimes derogaroty) 10. German-American (acceptable) Kraut (humorous, sometimes derogatory) Heinie (derogatory) 11. Hungarian (acceptable) Hunkie (slang. derogatory) 12. Indo-Chinese (acceptable) Slant (extremely offensive) Gook (extremely offensive) 14. Irish-American (acceptable) Irisher (slang. derogatory) Mick (slang. derogatory) Paddy (slang. derogatory) 15. Italian-American (acceptable) Dago (derogatory) Wop (derogatory) Guinea, Guinny, Ginnie (derogatory) 16. Japanese (acceptable) Jap (derogatory) Nip (derogatory) 17. Jew, Jewish (acceptable) Kike (derogatory) Jewboy (derogatory) Hebe (derogatory) Ikey (derogatory) Sheeny (derogatory) Yid (derogatory) [...] 19. Native American (acceptable) Indian (less acceptable) Injin (slang. less acceptable) Redskin (derogatory) 20. Polish-American (acceptable) Polack (derogatory) 21. White (acceptable) Honkie (derogatory) Whitie (derogatory) Fay (derogatory) The Man (derogatory) White Trash (derogatory) Cracker (derogatory) Vanilla (humorous) 22. Person of mixed parentage (acceptable) Half-breed (derogatory) Zebra (derogatory) Mulatto (less acceptable) High Yaller (slang. derogatory) *** We'd like to set the record straight by singing of the newt For newts are open-minded; they are flexible and cute A newt can breathe in water and a newt can breathe on land And if you are a different critter newts will understand Newts are not mean-spirited; they never are unfair Newts are not underhanded and are not afraid to share Newts do not have bad haircuts because newts are lacking hair But the newt called Gingrich drives all true newts to despair Gingrich the Newt's a disgrace to the name When true newts see him they feel so ashamed He's the black sheep of the newt family The one rotten fruit on the newt family tree - from the song Gingrich the Newt, on the 1995 album Small Minds by the geniuses of bluegrass, the Austin Lounge Lizards. The song honours the prominent American politician Newt Gingrich. *** The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems Thinking." *** A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying "What sort of programmers work for other computer companies? They behaved badly and were unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt, and their clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suite and made rude noises during my presentation." The manager said "I should never have sent you to the conference. Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother with social conventions? "They are alive within the Tao." _The Tao of Programming_, Geoffrey James ***