It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. -- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy *** From the concluding essay ("The Value Of Science") in Richard Feynman's last book, "What Do *You* Care What Other People Think?": Our responsibility is to do what we can, learn what we can, improve the solutions, and pass them on. It is our respon- sibility to leave the people of the future a free hand. In the impetuous youth of humanity, we can make grave errors that can stunt our growth for a long time. This we will do if we say we have the answers now, so young and ignorant as we are. If we suppress all discussion, all criticism, pro- claiming "This is the answer, my friends; man is saved!" we will doom humanity for a long time to the chains of authority, confined to the limits of our present imagination... *** The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing. *** Ninety percent of what is thought shouldn't be said; ninety percent of what is said shouldn't be written; ninety percent of what is written shouldn't be published; ninety percent of what is published shouldn't be read; ninety percent of what is read shouldn't be remembered. -- Israel Salanter *** If we didn't have birthdays, you wouldn't be you. If you'd never been born, well then what would you do? If you'd never been born, well then what would you be? You *might* be a fish! Or a toad in a tree! You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes! You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes. Or worse than all that . . . Why, you might be a WASN'T! A Wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't. A Wasn't just isn't. He just isn't present. But you . . . You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant! So we'll go to the top of the toppest blue space, The Official Katroo Birthday Sounding-Off Place! Come on! Open your mouth and sound off at the sky! Shout loud at the top of your voice, "I AM I! ME! I am I! And I may not know why But I know that I like it. *Three cheers!* I AM I!" *** When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to ourlives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter. -- T. Robbins, Still life with woodpecker *** The Road Not Taken Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and, sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood and looked down one as far as I could to where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim, because it was grassy and wanted wear; though as for that the passing there had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay in leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. *** THE CODE OF THE WEST A Cowboy's Guide to Life by Texas Bix Bender *Write it in your heart. Stand by the code, and it will stand by you. *Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness. *You don't need decorated words to make your meanin' clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin'. *Don't never interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. *If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. *Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp. *Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. *If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. *It don't matter so much how long a ride you have, as how well you ride it. *Always drink upstream from the herd. *The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson. *Don't worry about biting off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger 'n you think. *Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It ain't their fault. *Talk low, talk slow, and don't day too much. *Generally, you ain't learnin' nothin' when your mouth is a-jawin'. *If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin' boots. *The wildest critters live in the city! *Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards. *The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. *No matter who says what, don't believe it if it don't make sense. *Don't let so much reality into your life that there's no room left for dreamin'. *Makin' it in life is kinda like bustin' broncs: you're gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin' back on. *Never miss a chance to rest your horse. *Go after life as if it's something that's got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away. *Don't squat with yer spurs on! *** Green Eggs and Hamlet I ask to be, or not to be. That is the question, I ask of me. This sullied life, it makes me shudder. My uncle is boffing my dear, sweet mother. Would I, could I take my life? Could I, should I end this strife? Should I jump out of a plane? Or throw myself in front of a train? Should I from a cliff just leap? Could I put myself to sleep? Shoot myself, or take some poison? Maybe try self immolation? To shudder off this mortal coil, I could stab myself with a fencing foil. Should I slash my wrists while in the bath? Would it help to end my angst and wrath? To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub. I could drop an appliance into my tub. Would everyone be happy, if I were dead? Could I maybe kill them instead? This line of thought takes consideration. After all, I'm the king of procrastination. *** Noise [i.e. clutter and other display debris] is costly, since computer displays are low-resolution devices, working at extremely thin data densities, 1/10 to 1/1000 of a map or book page. This reflects the essential dilemma of a computer display: at every screen are two powerful information-processing capabilities, human and computer. Yet all communication between the two must pass through the low-resolution, narrow-band video display terminal, which chokes off fast, precise, and complex communication. -- Edward R. Tufte, "Envisioning Information" *** Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. *** "Have you ever been in love?" - -You might say that. "Horrible isn't it?" - -In what way? "It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defenses. You build up this armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-of-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not Love." - from Sandman No. 65, written by Neil Gaiman *** QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. *** + * "Suspense is not knowing what you're up ~ + Randy Wong * against and not knowing what you can do ~ + apple!fico!rbw@fico.uucp * do about it; Terror is knowing what ~ + c/o Fair, Isaac and Company * you're up against and not knowing what ~ + 120 North Redwood Drive * you can do about it; Horror is knowing ~ + San Rafael, CA 94903-1996 * what you're up against and knowing you ~ + * can't do anything about it." - Me ~ *** "One thing this fascination with computer technology and saving microseconds will accomplish is to further dampen earnings and salaries. The Luddites weren't quite right. Technology doesn't necessarily displace workers. First, it lowers workers' ability to demand higher earnings. Computer scanners, for instance, de-skilled grocery cashiers, so their earnings haven't kept pace. Indeed, one of the ironies today is how the Vice President can keep talking about fostering computers, on the one hand, and then explaining how American families have seen their real incomes erode over the past 10 years, as if he were a cybernetic Lois Lane, `galactically stupid' and thus totally unable to draw the connection." (Telecommunications Policy Review 27 Aug 95 p3) *** A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool." *** YOU REALLY HAD TO HAVE BEEN THERE An exchange between Wired editor Kevin Kelly and cyberculture critic Sven Birkerts is part of a forum appearing in Harper's magazine. Kelly: If you hung out online, you'd see that language is not being flattened; it's flourishing. Most of the richness in language can now be found in this new space, not in novels. Birkerts: I wish some of this marvelous prose could be downloaded and shown to me. Kelly: You can't download it. That's the whole point. You want to read it like a book, but that's precisely what it *can't* be. You want it to be data, but it's experience--and experience that you have to have *there*. (Harper's, Aug.'95 p.35) *** The Exon Amendment Development Plan And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were completely without form. And the plan was completely without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the netizens. And they spoke amongst themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh." And the netizens went unto their locally elected officials and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof." And the locally elected officials went unto their mayors and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong such that none may abide by it." And the mayors went unto their governors, and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength." And the governors spoke amongst the other governors, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the governors went unto their congressmen and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful." And the congressmen sayeth to the President, "This new plan will actively promote the growth of moralism and efficiency of cyberspace." And the President looked upon the plan, And saw that it was good, And the plan became policy. *** Top Ten Anagrams for "Information Superhighway" ----------------------------------------------- 10. Enormous, hairy pig with fan 9. Hey, ignoramus -- win profit? Ha! 8. Oh-oh, wiring snafu: empty air 7. When forming, utopia's hairy 6. A rough whimper of insanity 5. Oh, wormy infuriating phase 4. Inspire humanity, who go far 3. Waiting for any promise, huh? 2. Hi-ho! Yow! I'm surfing Arpanet! And the number one anagram for "Information Superhighway": 1. New utopia? Horrifying sham *** He's got a car bomb. He puts the key in the ignition and turns it -- the car blows up. He gets out. He opens the hood and makes a cursory inspection. He closes the hood and gets back in. He turns the key in the ignition. The car blows up. He gets out and slams the door shut disgustedly. He kicks the tire. He takes off his jacket and shimmies under the chassis. He pokes around. He slides back out and wipes the grease off his shirt. He puts his jacket back on. He gets in. He turns the key in the ignition. The car blows up, sending debris into the air and shattering windows for blocks. He gets out and says, Damn it! He calls a tow truck. He gives them his AAA membership number. They tow the car to an Exxon station. The mechanic gets in and turns the key in the ignition. The car explodes, demolishing the gas pumps, the red-and-blue Exxon logo high atop its pole bursting like a balloon on a string. The mechanic steps out. You got a car bomb, he says. The man rolls his eyes. I know that, he says. -- Mark Leyner, "My Cousin, My Gastroenterologist", 1990, Harmony Books *** As a boy in the middle west, I used to amuse myself by holding a stick across a gateway that the sheep had to pass through. After the first few sheep had jumped over the stick, I took it away; but all the other sheep leaped through the gateway over an imaginary barrier. The only reason for their jumping was that those in front had jumped. The sheep is not the only animal with that tendency. Almost all of us are prone to do what others are doing, to believe what others are believing, to accept, without question, the testimony of prominent people. -- Dale Carnegie, "Public Speaking" *** From: skotty@ix.netcom.com (Scott R) COPYRIGHT, SCHMOPPYRIGHT! Sure I broke some laws. But I do not live by society's rules. I straddle the razor's edge. I throw caution to the wind. Usually caution flies back at me and hits me in the skull. But that is not the point. The point is that I scoff at human laws. You should try scoffing. Just don't do it around small children or people with heart problems. As if I have not shown enough spunk as it is... THINGS THAT PROVE I LIVE DANGEROUSLY I don't floss every single day. On a real sunny day, sometimes I'll put on a Number 6 sunscreen rather than a Number 10. On escalators, I rarely use the handrails. When I make mashed potatoes, I stop mashing before all the lumps are out. I don't keep medicine in a "cool, dry place." I run around the house carrying scissors. I once put a quarter in a newspaper machine, and took TWO newspapers. I often change lanes without using my blinker. Recently, while grocery shopping, I decided not to buy a bag of potato chips... and I left it in the frozen food section. I've looked directly at an eclipse. More than once I've gotten off on the right side of a horse. When I use a saw, I don't use U.L. tested safety goggles. I once told a guy on a Harley Davidson that he was on my foot. I've gone swimming only five minutes after I've eaten. I sing without warming up. More often than not, I cross the street without looking both ways. Well, you know, rural streets. And usually at 2 a.m. I've bought breath mints without checking the price. When I leave a room, I sometimes leave the lights on. I have used my hairdryer with the water running -- in the other room, of course... but you get the point. I've clipped my fingernails by candlelight. I step on cracks in the sidewalk. (Of course, it's my mother who's really paying for that...) When a cashier makes a mistake in my favor, as long as it's not over a dollar, I don't say anything. I've eaten yellow snow. I've taken candy from strangers. When I color, I don't stay in the lines. Sometimes when I take a test, I use a Number 1 pencil. On occasion, I don't use return address labels. DANGER IS MY MIDDLE NAME (Just not legally... after all, that would mess up all my monogrammed towels.) *** Although plastic was brought into industrial use in 1909 by L.H. Baekeland of Yonkers, it was not until after World War II that the modern miracle substance was used in a wide variety of consumer goods, among them speedboats, dentures and flamingos. Previously flamingos were made of cement. Before that they were made by other flamingos. -- William E. Geist, The New York Times *** The mass media is supported and sustained by commercial entities. And corn flakes and Shakespeare are simply not kissing cousins. Leonard Bernstein and living bras are incompatible. And you cannot sustain adult, probing, meaningful drama when the proceedings are interrupted every twelve minutes by a dozen dancing rabbits with toilet paper. -- Rod Serling *** The human race, to which so many of my readers belong, has been playing at children's games from the beginning, and will probably do it till the end, which is a nuisance for the few people who grow up. And one of the games which it is most attached is called, "Keep tomorrow dark," and which is also named (by the rustics in Shropshire, I have no doubt) "Cheat the Prophet." The players listen very carefully and respectfully to all that the clever men have to say about what is to happen in the next generation. The players then wait until all the clever men are dead, and bury them nicely. Then they go and do something else. That is all. For a race of simple tastes, however, it is great fun. -- G.K. Chesterton *** The modern man who tattoos himself is either a criminal or a degenerate. There are prisons in which eighty percent of the inmates show tattoos. The tattooed who are not in prison are latent criminals or degenerate aristocrats. If someone who is tattooed dies at liberty, it means he has died a few years before committing a murder. -- Adolf Loos (1908) *** Submitted by: DAVID LAWRENCE NICOL "Critical" or "abstract thinking" is a trap in school. Criticize, criticize, criticize. Look at both sides of the argument, take no action, take no stands, commit yourself to nothing, because you're always looking for more arguments, more information, always examining, criticizing. Abstract thinking turns the mind into a prison. Abstract thinking is the way professors avoid facing their own social impotence. -- Jerry Rubin, from "DO iT!: Scenarios of the revolution," page 213: *** Critical thinking occurs in every game of chess, even those played by weak players who have barely learned the moves. Your hand reaches out, your eye gleams, you lift a Knight and pounce on a pawn. You are sneaky, conniving, and ruthless. The pawn is yours! But wait a moment. Your opponent has made a pact with the devil. He takes your valiant Knight. Rats! How did that happen? What should you have done instead? What should you do next? Critical thinking has occurred. -- Grandmaster Yasser Seirawan, in _Winning Chess Strategies_ *** I am. And in existing I must create meaning from my own depths and with my own resources in conjunction with others who also seek to act and create humane meaning. There are no alternatives to this other than ennui and the eventual destruction of mankind. -- Peter Angeles *** If we didn't have birthdays, you wouldn't be you. If you'd never been born, well then what would you do? If you'd never been born, well then what would you be? You *might* be a fish! Or a toad in a tree! You might be a doorknob! Or three baked potatoes! You might be a bag full of hard green tomatoes. Or worse than all that . . . Why, you might be a WASN'T! A Wasn't has no fun at all. No, he doesn't. A Wasn't just isn't. He just isn't present. But you . . . You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant! So we'll go to the top of the toppest blue space, The Official Katroo Birthday Sounding-Off Place! Come on! Open your mouth and sound off at the sky! Shout loud at the top of your voice, "I AM I! ME! I am I! And I may not know why But I know that I like it. *Three cheers!* I AM I!" Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you! Shout loud, "I am lucky to be what I am! Thank goodness I'm not just a clam or a ham Or a dusty old jar of sour gooseberry jam! I am what I am! That's a great thing to be! If I say so myself, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!" -- Dr. Seuss *** The Dr. Seuss Purity Test ------------------------- Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat? Have you done it in a bed? Have you done it with the dead? Have you done it in the ass? Have you done it, high on grass? Have you done it in the car? Have you simply gone too far? Have you done it on the beach? Have you done it with the teach? Have you done it on your back? Have you done it strapped to a rack? Have you done it in a box? Have you done it with a fox? Have you done it in a tree? Have you done it with more than three? Have you done it in the rain? Have you done it for the pain? Have you done it 'tween the tits? Have you done it wearing mitts? Have you done it packed in rubber? Have you done it undercover? Have you done it on a perch? Have you done it in a church? Have you done it with a virgin? Have you done it with a sturgeon? Have you done it with ropes and chains? Have you done it while insane? Have you done it on the stage? Have you done it underage? Have you done it with all your friends? Have you done it in both ends? Have you done it with your dog? Have you done it on a log? Have you done it under clamps? Have you done it with the lamps? Have you done it without style? Have you done it to defile? Have you done it for all to see? Have you ever had VD? Have you done it on Mother's couch? Have you done it in your mouth? Have you done it while on tape? Have you done it out of shape? Have you done it on live TV? Have you done it whilst you pee? Have you done it in the gym? Have you done it on a whim? Have you done it on a dare? Do you really think we care? Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows; Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity. *** I read in _The Life of Greece_ today that after the collapse of an expedition to Syracuse in 415 B.C., whose failure had been forecast in The Trojan Women, captured Athenians were given their freedom if they could recite passages from the plays of Euripides. That's the best incentive for being well-read I ever heard. -- Kendall Hailey, who quit school in 1982 at the age of 16 and decided to become self-taught. She recorded the event in an autobiography entitled, The Day I Became An Autodidact. *** Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too. Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday. *** But trust is the color of a dark seed growing, trust is the color of a heart's blood flowing, trust is the color of a soul's last breath, trust is the color of death. But trust is the sound of the grave-dog's bark, trust is the sound of betrayal in the dark, trust is the sound of a soul's last breath, trust is the sound of death. -- Excepted from Robert Jordan, "Lord of Chaos" *** TERM TRANSLATION ---- ----------- Old world charm No bath Tropical Rainy Majestic setting A long way from town Options galore Nothing is included in the itinerary Secluded hideaway Impossible to find or get to Pre-registered rooms Already occupied Explore on your own Pay for it yourself Knowledgeable trip hosts They've flown before No extra fees No extras Nominal charge Outrageous charge Standard Substandard Deluxe Standard Superior Two free shower caps All the amenities One free shower cap Plush Top and bottom sheets Gentle breezes Gale-force winds Light and airy No air conditioning Picturesque Theme park nearby Open bar Free ice cubes ...and much, much more That's about all there is *** THE DESIDERATA AS BEGUN BY WALT WHITMAN (his 1995 revision) Always the sounds of the city, the rattle of K47's, the screaming taxicab drivers, the beeping of horns, The garbage truck, trashcan lids striking blow upon blow, perpetual sounds pouring forth into the ethernet, The ever-constant cacophony of day-to-day cursing, the clamor, the racket, and the fracas, The airport, the agonizing screech, roar, and drone of 747's, The blare of sirens, the squawk of loudspeakers, the thuds and crashes of domestic violence, boom boxes, rap music, heavy metal, Noises alone and together, along the alleys and in the houses, in the rush and haste of streets, the assault weapons, rat-a-tat-tat, the gunfire, pop-pop, bang-bang, the sudden, unexpected colossal boom! These come to me day and night, never departing from me, But they are not me, they are not myself, Apart from the clanking and thundering stands what I am, Stands complacent, contented, calm, And goes placidly, even zombie-like, amid the noise and haste. AND AS UNDERSTOOD BY e.e. cummings i am and what is more bravely of course a child of a how of a what of a now of a child of the u-nee verse and fur- thermore i've a right as much of a much of a right as a where as aware albeit oftreesandstarsandotherpoets to be here or there and also to be. AND WALT WHITMAN AS UNDERSTOOD BY EDWARD ARLINGTON ROBINSON And he was happy--yes, happier than a clown-- So admirably cheerful, so gay, in every way: In short, he, saw he was a man with no frown, Happy, and wordy too, until his dying day. *** High Tech Computer Sales Jargon NEW - Different color from previous design ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous design EXCLUSIVE - Imported product UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitiors BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope... HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Hell! BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, mabey this one will work MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing *** It's in! The 1992 list of doublespeak items from the National Council of Teachers of English Committee on Public Doublespeak. Each year this group labors to uncover and categorize noteworthy examples of prolixity and euphemism. And gosh! Some of the phrases are just downright misleading. Can you see through the verbal fog and match the left column with the right? 1 __ Mental activity at the margins a wastepaper basket 2 __ Synthetic glass b acid rain 3 __ Unique retail biosphere c haunted 4 __ Intimacy salon d college tuition increase 5 __ Release of resources e kick failing students 6 __ High-velocity, multipurpose air circulator out of school 7 __ Appropriate population policies f TV commercials 8 __ Immediate permanent incapacitation g plastic 9 __ User-friendly, space-effective, flexible h standing still deskside sortation unit i welfare recipients 10 __ Involuntary permanent downsizing j insanity 11 __ Wet deposition k farmer's market 12 __ Psychologically impacted l lay off employees 13 __ Fee for quality m bribe 14 __ Expedite progress toward alternative life n censorship pursuits o sex shop 15 __ Self-sufficiency participants p electric fan 16 __ Reality augmentation q lying 17 __ Normal gratitude r death 18 __ Severe adjustment process s recession 19 __ Exceed the odor threshold t spent nuclear fuel dump 20 __ Spatial anchoring u stink 21 __ Weeding books v birth control 22 __ Value minutes *** What Developers say What Developers mean ------------------- -------------------- 1) Essentially complete It's half done 2) Schedule exposure It slipped three weeks ago 3) We predict We hope to God 4) Screen design is lagging Not a single screen exists 5) Risk is high but acceptable 100 to 1 odds; or, with 10 times the budget and 10 times the people, we stand a 50/50 chance 6) Potential show stopper The team has updated their resumes 7) Serious but not insurmountable It'll take a miracle problems 8) Basic agreement has been reached The &%$#@'s won't even talk to us 9) Results are being quantified We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions 10) Task force to review 7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project 11) Not well defined Nobody's even thought about it 12) Still scoping the requirements See answer to number 11. 13) Not well understood Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore 14) Requires further analysis Totally out of control and management attention 15) Results are encouraging Power-on produced no smoke *** The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR") Issue Number 1995-06, June 1995 1995-06-07 Top Quark Tour Highlights They are strange. They are charming. From Top to Bottom, our world-wide traveling exhibition of Top Quarks & Friends (from the Fermilab collection) has been drawing rave reviews. We are happy to announce that ticket prices have been reduced, thanks to the unexpectedly large run of spectators. Thrill as you infer that the Top Quarks decay before your eyes -- in most cases before you even reach your seat. Every ticketholder receives a coupon redeemable for 40 million (!) free electrons, paradoxically delivered by the estimable Erwin the cat (Aye, there's the rub). ......... [snip] Extract from "A Critical Analysis of King Henry V and the Chemical Relationships of Henry's Laws," by Vipul Patel, Harvard College. We few, we happy few, we band of chemists; For he that blows his gas with me Shall be a chemist; be he ne'er so gentle. This day shall vile his condition; And students in Harvard, now a-bed, Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here; And hold their Vapor pressures low, whilst any burps That drank with us this Chem test day. 1995-06-16 Calls for Papers CALL FOR research papers for an interdisciplinary study of wax: candle, floor, ear, leg, bees, turtle, fruit, hot, cold, etc. Please do not send biological samples. E-mail entries to BOURBAKI@NEU.EDU CALL FOR NOMINATIONS for the 1995 Ig Nobel Prizes. Prizes are awarded for achievements that cannot or should not be reproduced. Nominations may be submitted, anonymously or otherwise, by e-mail or by standard mail. Please include documentation. *** Woman was made from the rib of man, she was not created from his head to top him, nor his feet to be stepped upon... She was made from his side to be equal to him, from beneath his arm to be protected by him, and near his heart to be loved by him... *** Words That Work Miracles Paraphrased from an article by G.R von Kronenburger Words whether typed or spoken take but a second - and last a lifetime. Few of us realize how much we need to bask in the warmth of approval now and then or risk losing our self-confidence. Unless we hear words of praise from someone else, how can we know that we are valued as friends, or co-Guild Members and authors? The way to give others that feeling of importance and worthiness boils down to this: ALWAYS LOOK FOR SOMETHING IN A PERSON THAT YOU CAN ADMIRE AND PRAISE - AND TELL HIM ABOUT IT. We each have a mental picture of ourselves, a self-image. To find life reasonably satisfying, that self-image must be one we can live with, one we can like. When we are proud of our self-image, we feel confident and free to be ourselves. We function at our best. When we are ashamed of our self-image, we attempt to hide it rather than express it. We become hostile and hard to get along with. We berate and flame others in an attempt to make ourselves feel better. By doing so are we not exposing our self-image to all who read the words of anger. A miracle happens to the person whose self-esteem has been raised. He suddenly likes other people better. He is kinder and more gentle with those around him. What has this to do with your being positive and giving praise? A lot. Each of you have the ability to perform that kind of miracle in another person. When you add to his self-esteem, when you compliment rather than flame you make him want to like you and to cooperate with you. Winning the favour of another this should not be the ultimate goal, that goal is to be positive and giving within ourselves. In a classic bit of advice, Lord Chesterfield suggested to his son that he follow the example of the Duke de Nivernois: "You will perceive that he makes people pleased with him by making them first pleased with themselves." What better advice for a father to pass to his son. Praise will always open doors to opportunity that flame and blame would tightly shut. A new minister, called to a church referred to as the refrigerator because of its coolness towards strangers, began welcoming visitors from the pulpit and telling his flock how friendly they were. Time after time he held up a picture of the church as he wanted it to be, giving his people a reputation to live up to. The congregation thawed. "Praise transformed the ice-cube members into warmhearted human beings," he said. Sincerity is as essential in giving praise as it is in all aspects of our lives. It lends potency to a compliment. Coming home after a hard day's work, the man who sees the faces of his children pressed against the window, watching for him, can water his soul with their silent but golden opinion. Praise helps rub off the sharp edges of daily contact. Nowhere is this truer than in marriage. Yet it is perhaps in the home that the value of praise is less appreciated that elsewhere. The spouse who acknowledges the little things done and the love that prompted the doing has learned one of the most important requirements for a happy family life. Children, especially, are hungry for praise, reassurance and appreciation. A young mother once told a heartrending incident. "My little boy often misbehaves, and I have to scold him. But one day he had been especially good. That night, after I tucked him in bed and started downstairs, I heard him crying. I found his head buried in the pillow. Between sobs he asked, 'Mommy, haven't I been a pretty good boy today?' "That question went through me like a knife," the mother said. "I had been quick to correct him when he did wrong, but when he had behaved, I hadn't noticed. I had put him to bed without a word of praise." How sad it is that this happens so often in our lives. Take the trouble to find something to commend in your child, and you will discover that both his ability and attitude will improve. Encouragement through praise is the most effective method of getting people to do their best. As artists find joy in giving beauty to others, so anyone who masters the art of praising will find that it blesses the giver as much as the receiver. There is truth in the saying, "Flowers leave part of their fragrance in the hand that bestows them." *** This nerdy little accountant appears at St. Peter's gate. St Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life? Well" sys the aaccountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey assholes, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also St Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and I don't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?" The accountant replies, "About five minutes ago." *** An article _The New Yorker_ profiles the famous black gospel group the Southernaires, who are lucky enough to have their own tour bus: "Sometimes the bus becomes a source of problems... One night, in the middle of Ohio, a tire blew out and they ran out of gas at the same moment. A farmer heard the commotion and came out of his house, then went into his barn, found a tire that fitted the wheel, filled a can of gas, jacked up the bus, replaced the tire, filled the gas tank, pulled them back onto the road with his tractor, and then showed them his Ku Klux Klan membership card and asked them to be on their way." Are people basically evil creatures who struggle to do good, or is it the other way around? *** Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. *** If I should fall from grace with God Where no doctor can relieve me If I'm buried 'neath the sod But the angels won't receive me Let me go boys Let me go boys Let me go down in the mud Where the rivers all run dry -- Pogues *** By one of those curious twists of fate that make capitalism so interesting, Disney, which distributed _Priest_--and thereby moved loyal wife Libby Dole to sell her stock in the company--also made _The Lion King_, which won Dole's approval as "friendly to the family." I don't blame Dole a bit if he skipped this movie too, but in a desperate bid to entertain my daughter during an endless city summer I sat through it twice, and the only families it's friendly to are the Windsors and Romanoffs. For some reason--an overdose of Ralph Lauren?--Disney saw fit to make an elaborate multimillion-dollar animated feature that beneath its pop trappings is a weirdly sincere defense of feudalism, primogeniture and the divine right of kings. As in Shakespeare, the social order reflects the natural order: When Richard-the-Third-like Uncle Scar (you know he's bad because he's darker than the other lions) usurps the crown, he lets the rabble--hyenas--overrun the lions' turf and destroy the environment, until young Simba reclaims his father's throne and restores the eco-mystical circle of life: i.e. the Great Chain of Being, with lions on top. It's all vaguely racist--those "underclass" hyenas, and did the wise old shaman, the only character with an African accent, _have_ to be a baboon? And it's definitely sexist: Simba's father is powerful, heroic, strong, brave and sententious; his mother's a gentle nobody. (On the other hand, at least he's got a mother; in most Disney cartoons, she's dead before the story opens.) It's also anti-intellectual: The characters with quick wits and big vocabularies are comic, lazy, cowardly or evil, while Simba and his father are simple and true and straightforward, and ever so slightly _slow_. It's brains versus brawn, urban versus rural, wily Jew/homosexual/foreigner/black versus noble but dim _echt_ American. If those are family values, no wonder SAT scores keep falling. -- Katha Pollitt, on U.S. politician Robert Dole's claim that the over-marketed Disney film _The Lion King_ expressed "family values" *** "Can you follow directions?" (three-minute time test). 1. Read everything before doing anything. 2. Put your name in the upper right-hand corner of this paper. 3. Circle the word "Name" in sentence two. 4. Draw five small squares in the upper left-hand corner of this paper. 5. Put an X in each square. 6. Sign your name under the title of this paper. 7. After the title, write "Yes, yes, yes." 8. Put a circle around sentence seven. 9. Put an X in the lower left-hand corner of this paper. 10. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down. 11. On the back of this paper, multiply 703 by 66. 12. Draw a rectangle around the word "paper" in sentence four. 13. Loudly call out your first name when you get to this point in the test. 14. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point, call out "I have." 15. On the reverse side of this paper, add 8950 and 9850. 16. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. 17. Count out in your normal speaking voice, from ten to one backward. 18. Punch three small holes in the top of this paper with your pencil. 19. If you are the first person to get this far, call out loudly, "I am the first person to this point, and I am the leader in following directions." 20. Underline all even numbers on the side of this page. 21. Put a square around every number written out on this test. 22. Say out loud, "I am nearly finished, I have followed directions." 23. Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence two. (Variations on the test date back to my knowledge at least until 1961 when a favorite 9th grade teacher treated my class to a 20-item version of this test. This particular version appears in Urban Folklore from the Paperwork Empire by Alan Dundes and Carl R. Pagter, American Folklore Society, 1975). *** We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground... But after all, he's only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard... By God, he has only one right guaranteed to him in Nature, and that is the right to die and stink to Heaven. -- Ross Lockridge, "Short Lives, by Katinka Matson" *** The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" *** A leading architect once built a cluster of office buildings set in a central green. The landscape crew asked him where he wanted the sidewalks between the buildings. His reply: 'Just plant grass between the buildings.' By late summer the new lawn was laced with pathways of trodden grass. The paths followed the most efficient line between the points of connection, turned in easy curves rather than at right angles and were sized according to traffic flow. In the fall the architect simply paved in the pathways. Not only did the paths have a design beauty, but they responded directly to user needs. -- Christopher Williams, "Origins of Form" *** Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson I. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. II. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. III> I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. My eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. IV. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. V. I walk down another street. *** Here is Belladonna the Lady of the Rocks the lady of Situations Here is the man with three staves and here is the wheel And here is the one eyed merchant and this card which is blank is something that he carries on his back Which I am forbidden to see I do not find the hanged man Fear death by water -- T.S. Eliott, Wastelands *** This American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it capitalism, call it what you will, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. -- Al Capone *** The PM of Israel was visiting the Pope one day, and they were having a discussion in the Pope's private chambers. Rabin notices a white phone on the Pope's desk and asks what it is. John Paul says "That's my direct line to God." Rabin asks if he can use it, and John Paul says "Sure, but I should warn you, it's long distance. I'll have to charge you $10 per minute." Rabin says "No problem." He gets on the phone and talks to God for about half an hour. When he's done, he forks over $300 to the Pope. Some time later, the Pope is visiting Rabin in Israel, and having a discussion in the PM's private chambers. He sees a white phone very similar to his, and inquires about it. Rabin says "Oh, that's MY direct line to God, of course. Feel free to use it if you like." So John Paul gets on the phone and chats with the big guy for a about an hour. When he's done, he says to Rabin "That was a pretty long call. I must owe you a bundle." And Rabin says "Oh, don't worry about it. It was a local call." *** As far as most people are concerned, Rene Descartes is best remembered for two reasons - a rather disparaging couplet in Monty Python's "Bruces' Philosophers Song", and the more sober statement: "I think, therefore I am." -- Michael White, in his review of a book on the life of Descartes. *** 10**24 getalives = 1 yottagetalife 10**21 spells = 1 zettaspell 10**18 minations = 1 examination 10**15 coats = 1 petacoat 10**12 bulls - 1 terabull 10**9 lows = 1 gigalow 10**6 phones = 1 megaphone 2*10**3 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 2*10**2 withits = 2 hectowithit 10 cards = 1 decacard 10**-1 mates = 1 decimate 10**-2 mentals = 1 centimental 10**-3 cents = 1 millicent 10**-6 scopes = 1 microscope 10**-9 nanettes = 1 nanonannet 10**-12 boos = 1 picoboo 10**-15 fatales = 1 femtofatale 10**-18 boys = 1 attoboy 10**-21 bismals = 1 zeptobismal 10**-24 pusses = 1 yoctopus *** Leroy is an 18 year old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system......................One day Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what Leroy did. 1. HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody. 2. RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both. 3. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house. 4. FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORCLOSE. 5. CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that CATACOMB. 6. PENIS - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS. 7. ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL. 8. UNDERMINE - There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE. 9. TRIPOLI - I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't find no TRIPOLI. 10. STAIN - My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again. 11. SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM. 12. ODYSSEY - I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe. 13. HORDE - My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school. 14. INCOME - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife. 15. HONOR - At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR first? 16. FORTIFY - I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY. Leroy got an A. *** from J.B. Priestley's social history _Victoria's Heyday_: (From an 1852 memo entitled "Office Staff Practices") 1. Godliness, cleanliness and punctuality are the necessities of good business. 2. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 7 a.m. and 6 p.m. 3. Daily prayers will be held each morning in the main office. The clerical staff will be present. 4. Clothing must be of a sober nature. 5. Overshoes and top coats may not be worn in the office but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather. 6. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring 4 lb. of coal each day during the cold weather. 7. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from Mr. Rogers. The calls of nature are permitted and clerical staff may use the garden beyond the second gate. This area must be kept in good order. 8. No talking is allowed during business hours. 9. The craving for tobacco, wines, or spirits is a human weakness and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff. 10. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 a.m. and noon, but work will not on any account cease. 11. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. _The owners will expect a great rise in the output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions._ *** I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. . . . Corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money-power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed. -- Abraham Lincoln (quoted in Jack London, _The Iron Heel_) *** It was very dificult to get out of a prison camp in Italy. Italian soldiers might be figures of fun to us, but some of them were extraordinarily observant and very suspicious and far better at guarding prisoners than the Germans were. It was also very difficult to travel in Italy if you did get out. The Italians are fascinated by minutiae of dress and the behaviour of their fellow men, perhaps to a greater degree than almost any other race in Europe, and the ingenious subterfuges and disguises which escaping prisoners of war habitually resorted to and which were often enough to take in the Germans: the documents, train tickets and ration cards, lovingly fabricated by the camp's staff of expert forgers; the suits made from dyed blankets; the desert boots cut down to look like shoes and the carefully bleached army shirts were hardly ever sufficiently genuine-looking to fool even the most myopic Italian ticket collector and get the owner past the barrier, let alone survive the scrutiny of the occupants of a compartment on an Italian train. The kind of going over to which an escaping Anglo-Saxon was subjected by other travellers was usually enough to finish him off unless he was a professional actor or spoke fluent Italian. -- Eric Newby's _Love and War in the Apennines_ *** Department of Passive Aggression-- Today's quote is from the _New Yorker_: EDITOR'S NOTE: A mistake made by a transcription service mangled a quotation from William Bennett in Michael Kelly's July 17th Letter from Washington. In criticizing the political views of Patrick Buchanan, Mr. Bennett said "it's a real us-and-them kind of thing," not, as we reported, "it's a real S & M kind of thing." *** At the end of a life spent in the pursuit of knowledge Faust has to confess: 'I now do see that we can nothing know.' That is the answer to a sum, it is the outcome of a long experience. But as Kierkegaard observed, it is quite a different thing when a freshman comes to the university and uses the same sentiment to justify his indolence. As the answer to a sum it is perfectly true, but as the initial data it is a piece of self-deception. For acquired knowledge cannot be divorced from the existence in which it is acquired. -- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, _Cost of Discipleship_ *** I'm a Roseanne fan. I like her show and marvel at her compassion and intelligence, at what she manages to get away with. I like her style--even when she offends me and makes me nervous (which she often does)--because the world needs loud-mouthed unattractive women with brains, guts, a social conscience, and a sense of humor. There are few enough of them who make it through puberty with their spirits and energies intact. -- Elayne Rapping, "In Praise of Roseanne," _The Progressive_, July 1994. *** I call it Old Adult. Young Adult books are aimed at the anxious adolescent, feeling alone in the world, who needs some reassurance. Old Adult books perform exactly the same function for people in middle age. -- writer Robert Plunket defines the new literary genre created by Robert James Waller (author of the short but overwrought novel, The Bridges of Madison County) *** [S]ince we met in the fall of 1989, there have been many afternoons when Kasparov and I have sat at the chess board and he has shown me all the variations that he might have played in games cherished around the world: attacks, intricate parries, chessic paradoxes, wondrous possibilities that chess lovers will never see. I have felt fretful, even guilty, while he showed me his magnificent ideas. I have wanted to write them down for the world, but his delicate fingers moved much too quickly and the pieces squirted around the board like animated characters. They rushed ahead, demonstrating an attack that failed, then a slightly different attack. "Better," he said quietly, and nodded his head. Better, but why was it better? I could not begin to figure it out. Maybe if I had a month. Once while I was trying to understand one position, he set up another and asked absently if I recalled this from a game in 1968. I grunted. I felt like an idiot. Clearly, everyone should remember this position from '68. "Fred, this is really incredible," and the pieces squirted around. Somehow I could feel that it was incredible. -- Fred Waitzkin, _Mortal Games_ (a biography of Garry Kasparov) *** "That Amanda character..." "Heather Locklear." "Perhaps I'm stating the obvious here, but isn't Amanda reminiscient of Lady MacBeth. Haplessly manipulating these young innocents, always to further her own ends, yet possessing an underlying vulnerability possessing the seeds of her own down-fall." "See, he does get it." "Who is this gentle bard whose finger is on the pulse of all that which makes us human?" "Aaron Spelling?" -- The reaction of a highly cultured guest to his first episode of Melrose Place, from the comedy "Ellen". *** From Sky & Telescope, May 1995: Objects and features in the heavens must be named according to a systematic protocol laid down by the International Astronomical Union (IAU). For example, features on Venus must bear female names: craters may be named after mortal women, but ridges must be named for sky goddesses. Uplands are named after goddesses of love and plains after mythological heroines. On Mercury valleys are named after radio telescopes while scarps take the names of famous ships of discovery. Features on Uranus' moon Puck are named after mischievous spirits, while features on Neptune's moons are all watery spirits. Little did Virgil know that persons and places in his epic poem Aeneid would 2000 years later be affixed to maps of Saturn's moon Dione. And so on. *** ODE TO A MARTINI DRINKER Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell you are I think, I'm not under what they call The alcofluence of incohol. I'm not drunk as thinkle peep, I'm just a little slort of sheep. Tee martoonis make a guy Fool so feelish, don't know why Rally don't know who's me yet The drunker I stay the longer I get So just one more to full my cup, I've all day sober to Sunday up. -- Sold Cober A DRINK WITH SOMETHING IN IT There is something about a Martini, A tingle remarkably pleasant, A yellow, a mellow Martini; I wish I had one at present. There is something about a Martini, Ere the dining and dancing begin, And to tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth -- I think that perhaps it's the gin. -- Ogden Nash >From an article in the _San Francisco Review of Books, July/August 1995, about the book _The Martini_ by Barnaby Conrad III. Reprinted without permission. *** INTERIOR SHOT. DAYTIME. Buffy and Jody are sitting on the bed, smoking cigarettes and reading _Celine_. They are both in their mid-20s. Nothing is happening. It is quiet. BUFFY Hey, I know what. JODY What. BUFFY Remember how we used to have sex? JODY What are you getting at? BUFFY Well, I was kind of thinking that we might try having sex this afternoon. JODY What? Why? BUFFY Well, it was just a thought. There's nothing much else to do, and we haven't any money. JODY Good God, you're incredible. I don't know why I hang around with you. How totally embarassing. I'm leaving. THE END - Jeffrey P. McManus muses on the sexual exploits of so-called "Generation X" *** Give me back my broken night my secret room, my secret life it's lonely here, there's no one left to torture Give me absolute control over every living soul And lie beside me, baby, that's an order! -- Leonard Cohen, in his song The Future from his 1992 album of the same name *** (The liner notes for this song call it "Our paean to bluegrass music's most recurrent theme: the irresistable call of the old home place.") The stranger came to town and asked me why Instead of pulling in again I don't just pass it by? But all my friends are buried here and some of them are dead So home is where I'll always hang my head In that God-forsaken hell-hole I call home Always calls me back again Wherever I may roam As squalid as Calcutta; as decadent as Rome That God-forsaken hell-hole I call home -- from the song That Godforsaken Hellhole I Call Home by the geniuses of the bluegrass genre, the Austin Lounge Lizards *** Although professors may reach for an operatic image to describe a barnyard phenomenon, it must be even more common for them to discover that what they had assumed was a metaphor is simply a fact of rural life. My own experience with the agricultural sciences in Nova Scotia is limited to a little experiment I'm carrying out on levels of production in totally neglected apple trees, but I am occasionally astonished anew to find that a neighbor who mentions the need to prime the pump is talking not about tinkering with the free-market economy but about priming the pump. People in Nova Scotia do make hay, and if at all possible, they make it while the sun shines so that it will be dry when they store it in the barn. One day in Nova Scotia Alice came home with the information that one widely used method of improving apple production was to gather up all the windfalls every autumn--gather up not unearned and sudden profit but apples that had been caused by the wind to fall. (I decided against it, on the theory that it was the sort of behavior that could invalidate the results of my experiment.) -- Calvin Trillin, in "Alice, Let's Eat" *** ABBREVIATED CLIFF NOTES: MOBY DICK Moby Dick was a whale of a white whale, Endowed with a tail that begins a long tale, One gathering in strength like an ocean gale. It's novel, it's essay, it's narrative, And words have never been pared of it. It's biology, chemistry, and art, It's courage, science, and heart, It's allegorical, historical, ecological, farcical, And like a leg made of whalebone...oddly remarkable. In short, Melville and reader sail on the Pequod With Captain Ahab, crew, and harpooner Queequeg. Thousands of yardarms later, as the tale tells, Reader will see if reader bothers, There's but one survivor, if we don't the reader, only the author, Beached, as it were, like a whale on shore, Who then buys pens and paper at some store, And so begins his tale of incredible hell, by saying, "Call me Ish-may-ell." *** Things NOT to say during sex 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today 12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. *** A man with one watch knows the time. A man with two watches is never sure. A man with three watches is a fool. A man with four watches is a thief. A man with five watches is from Switzerland. A man with six watches is NOT gonna make it through the metal detector at the airport the first time. A man with seven watches should REALLY consider having a yard sale. A man with eight watches needs a hobby. A man with nine watches will always be late. A man with ten watches is a fence. *** There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. *** There is no such thing at this date of the world's history in America as an independent press. You know it, and I know it. There is not one of you who dares to write his honest opinion, and if you did, you know beforehand it would never appear in print. I am paid weekly for keeping my honest opinion out of the paper. Others of you are paid similar salaries for similar things. and any of you who would be so foolish as to write honest opinions would be out on the streets looking for another job. If I allow my honest opinions to appear in one issue of my paper, before 24 hours, my occupation would be gone. The business of the journalist is to destroy the truth, to lie outright, to pervert, to vilify, to fawn at the feet of Mammon and to sell his country and his race for his daily bread. You know it, and I know it, and what folly is this toasting an independent press? We are the tools and the vassals of rich men behind the scenes. We are the jumping jacks. They pull the strings, and we dance. Our talents, our possibilities and our lives are all the property of other men. We are intellectual prostitutes. -- John Swinden, 1953, then head of the New York Times, when asked to toast an independent press in a gathering at the National Press Club (at a time when the public was not allowed to attend). *** When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the goal. -- Amrom Katz *** We have a great idea to finally bring peace to the world...the Estrogen Bomb. When it is dropped on an area of violent conflict, men will throw down their guns, hug each other, apologize, say it was 'all their fault,'and then start to clean up the mess. -- from "Confessions of the Guerrilla Girls," a new book by a group of masked art-world activists (they wear gorilla heads), as quoted in "The New York Times Magazine" *** Who are these people? I suspect they must be chiefly an agglomeration of the aged and infirm; the unemployed and the drug addicted; the mentally challenged and the stupid; the illiterate and the terminally lonely. Who but the most deprived and desperate for sensation could find any satisfactory diversion in watching this daily parade of geeks and freaks and shameless exhibitionists, folks who too often look and sound like sub-intelligent genetic mutants? -- Globe and Mail (Toronto) television columnist John Haslett Cuff on viewers of daytime television talk shows. *** Nostalgia is "papier-mache history sterilized of all pain". -- Archivist Otto Bettman, upon revisiting his hometown of Leipzig, Germany. Bettmann fled Nazi Germany in 1935 after the purge of Jewish state employees. (From _The Washington Post_ , p. C1,18 May 1995. He was profiled in an article by Rick Atkinson.) *** There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated. *** The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*) Compiled By: Bill Atchley (atchley@coltrane.gnets.ncsu.edu Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. (Note: 8 songs below, these should be sung in two part harmony!) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Wanna Whip Your Cow I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly *** WE HAVE three principal means: observation of nature, reflection, and experiment. Observation gathers the facts reflection combines them, experiment verifies the result of the combination. It is essential that the observation of nature be assiduous, that reflection be profound, and that experimentation be exact. Rarely does one see these abilities in combination. And so, creative geniuses are not common. -- Denis Diderot (1713-84) "On the Interpretation of Nature XV," 1753. *** A man hired 3 toothbrush sales associates . On the first day, the first associate reported having sold 10; the next, 15; and the third, 37. On the second day, the first associate reported sales of 30 toothbrushes. The second sold 47, and the third sold 115. "You're doing a GREAT job", said the boss to the third sales associate, " Tell these other two slackers what your sales technique is," "Well," said the third, "I go to the airport and set up a stand with a sign that reads `Free Chips and Dip.' People taste the dip and say, `This tastes like shit!'" I say, "It IS! Wanna buy a toothbrush?" *** The hustler's runner's porter who has attached himself to us runs down a taxi and hustles us in. He tells us, Do not worry, is *great* driver, and sends us careening terrifically down an unlit four-lane boulevard teeming from curb to curb with bicycles, tricycles, motorcycles, sidehackers, motorscooters, motorbikes, buses dribbling passengers from every hole and handhold, rigs, gigs, wheelchairs, biers, wheelbarrows, wagons, pushcarts, army troop trucks where smooth-chopped soldier boys giggle and goose each other with machine guns . . . rickshaws, buckboards, hacks both horse- and camel- and human-drawn, donkey-riders and -pullers and -drivers, oxcarts, fruitcarts, legless beggars in thighcarts, laundry ladies with balanced bundles, a brightblack farm lad in a patched nightshirt prodding a greatballed Holstein bull (into town at midnight to what? to butcher? to trade for beans?) plus a huge honking multitude of other taxis, all careening, all without head- or taillights ever showing except for the occasional *blink-blink-honk-blink* signal to let the dim rolling mass ahead know that, by the Eight Cylinders of Allah, this Great Driver is coming through! -- Ken Kesey, on Cairo traffic (from airport to hotel), "Demon Box" (1986) *** This is typical of course. The Americans always think they are the only ones who know how to do anything or who have done anything right. But, really, it doesn't matter. Everyone knows they have no culture and they can't make beer. - German magazine writer Jurgen Katzen commenting on the "imperialism" of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and the fact that there are few European members or exhibits in the Hall or Museum (quoted in the _Ottawa Citizen_, September 1, 1995). *** The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken. *** DATELINE: Cheltenham England In the annual cheese-rolling contest yesterday, 18 of the approximately 20 contestants were injured - four of them seriously enough to be sent to the hospital. The annual competition, in which contenders vie for a giant round cheese by rolling smaller versions down Cooper's Hill, left four contestants with broken arms and legs. Fourteen others were treated on the spot for sprains. Among those who ended the day unscathed was Darren Yates, 15, who won the big cheese. Cheese-rolling on Cooper's Hill is thought to date back to pre-Roman times, when it was a fertility rite heralding the return of spring. *** The so-called 'laws' of bourgeois social science, including present political economy, are not laws at all, but simple suppositions or affirmations that nobody has ever attempted to verify. In fact, some of their most essential would-be laws crumbled to pieces as soon as they were submitted to the test of numeric data, taken from a study of real life. -- Peter Kropotkin *** Snippet from Bob Packwood's personal diary: June 11, 1992 "Had some of the staff in for wine.... (Name deleted) gave me a ride home, and I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner....Well, we get talking of course at dinner about sex....Poor old (name deleted) hasn't had much of a sexual relationship. She's a got this little body, and she had about five glasses of wine.... She started talking about his guy she's been going with for seven years and none of us know it..... I said, 'Wait a minute. You and I have made love maybe six or seven times...I was feeling sorry for you and thinking I was doing my Christian duty by making love to you...and it turns out you're banging this guy three times a week for seven years.'" *** When anyone asks me how I can best describe my experience in nearly forty years at sea, I merely say, uneventful. Of course there have been winter gales, and storms and fog and the like. But in all my experience, I have never been in any accident... or any sort worth speaking about. I have seen but one vessel in distress in all my years at sea. I never saw a wreck and never have been wrecked nor was I ever in any predicament that threatened to end in disaster of any sort. -- E. J. Smith, 1907, Captain, RMS Titanic *** It is important to keep planning even when plans do not succeed. To attain the desired result, it is frequently necessary to build on what appear to be failures. Lewis Carroll had fifty rejections from the publishers before his book Alice in Wonderland was accepted by a publisher. Fortunately for the world, he kept planning. In helping clients, students, supervisors, or children formulate plans, it is useful at times to ask them to firm up the plan, to be committed to it, and to pursue it relentlessly. To aid in sealing the commitment, it is often appropriate to ask, "How could you sabotage the plan if you were to choose not to follow through?" If this is done humorously and in a friendly manner, it can strengthen the resolve quite effectively in a reverse maneuver. -- Robert E. Wubbolding, from Understanding Reality Therapy: A Metaphorical Approach *** IRS chief Richardson has received a copy of a new book, "I Would Rather Be Audited by the IRS Than Give a Speech," by David H. Brown. In reply, she wrote the author: "I'll think of you the next time I give a speech, and I certainly hope you'll be thinking of me the next time you get audited." *** Sex is wonderful if you have it with the right person. But be careful it is very difficult to determine who that right person is... especially if you're drunk and horny. Hold on to your sex... it is the most powerful tool you have in a relationship. Only share that gift with someone who you can trust to use it right. Unless of course you're drunk and horny. *** While it has been suggested that the black household lay at the heart of the Plague's spread across Europe, in 1348 the Medical Faculty of the University of Paris outlines the circumstances favouring the reception of the plague: In the year of Our Lord 1345, on March 20, there was a conjunction of the planets Saturn, Jupiter and Mars in the House of Aquarius. The conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter portends death and disaster. The conjunction of Mars and Jupiter portends pestilence in the air. For Jupiter is warm and humid and draws evil vapours from earth and water; and Mars is hot and dry, and kindles the evil into an infective fire. We must therefore expect a terrible calamity. *** Other uses for "trolling": "It was a Saturday, no school, nothing more pressing ahead of us than lunch, and we were having a fine time idly swimming around or treading water between the stacks, occasionally doing a little serious fishing for new authors, when [Seymour] suddenly signalled to me to come over and see what he had. He'd caught himself a whole mess of translated verses by P'ang, the wonder of the eleventh century. But fishing, as we know, in libraries or anywhere else, is a tricky business, with never a certainty of who's going to catch whom.... Permanently, from that morning on, Seymour was hooked." J.D. Salinger _Seymour: an introduction_ *** The following two-way translations are samples from a book by *Henry Beard* entitled "Latin for Even More Occasions" (Lingua Latina Multa Pluribus Occasionibus): Valeo--Vales. I'm OK--You're OK. Rosa rosa rosa est est. A rose is a rose is a rose. Ventis secundis, tene cursum. Go with the flow. In curro meo ab Officina Baiuoaria Mechanica fabricato habeo machinam quae litteras per aethera transmittit. I have a fax machine in my BMW. Quid agis, caput assulae? How's hacking, chiphead? Quid gurgustium! What a dump! Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Malum Magnum The Big Apple Oppidum Bracteatum Tinsel Town Heia, comes, num aliquid agitur? Hey, you got a problem, pal? Quando prandimus? What time is lunch? Tam diu minime visu! Long time no see! Vale, lacerte! See you later, alligator! Hocine tibi habeas iocum? :) Is this your idea of a joke? *** Our apologies, good friends, for the fracture of good order, the burning of paper instead of children.... We could not, so help us God, do otherwise.... We say: killing is disorder, life and gentleness and community and unselfishness is the only order we recognize. For the sake of that good order we risk our liberty, our good name. The time is past when good men can remain silent, when obedience can segregate men from public risk, when the poor can die without defense. -- Daniel Barrigan, in 1968 after he and eight others stole and burned draft records (cited in Howard Zinn, _Declarations of Independence_, p. 120) *** = > But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side = > up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? = > Will the cat land on it's feet? Or will the butter splat on = > the ground? = = And in response, thus spake the Oracle: = = } Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be = } able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand = } that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of = } feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. = } If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to = } resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. = } = } That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), = } you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, = } when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of = } cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium = } point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing = } lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. = } = } Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this = } principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The = } loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of = } several hundred tabbies. = } = } The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the = } bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats = } will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, = } since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of = } red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them. *** We are not afraid to entrust the American people with unpleasant facts, foreign ideas, alien philosophies, and competitive values. For a nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people. -- John F. Kennedy, former U.S. president It was then that the American authorities turned up the facts about my past as an anarchist activist---the past from which I had already distanced myself mentally. At that time I was working on the final revision of my book, and Proudhon was much in my mind on the day I went down to the consulate in Vancouver for the crucial interview. I imagine that my past as editor of _Freedom_ was enough, under the McCarran Act, to keep me out, but the consul had the air of giving me a last chance when he asked if I was still an anarchist. I thought a moment and, with Proudhon in my mind, answered, 'fundamentally and philosophically, yes.' It was enough for him, and for me. I was excluded in perpetuity from the United States, the only country in the world I have been unable to enter, and I settled down with great satisfaction to be a writer in my own country, which I have in no way regretted. -- writer and anarchist George Woodcock, on being denied entry into the United States to take a job at the University of Washington. This was done under the McCarran Act, which allowed U.S. officials to deny entry into the U.S. of those people espousing foreign ideas and alien philosophies. *** And to love; a God And to fear; a flame And to burn a crowd that has a name And to right; or wrong And to meek; or strong It is known, I'll scream it from the wall . . . . . . -- Live *** From a review in the Journal of Fluid Mechanics (1995) of the book "Turbulence modelling for CFD". The reviewer B.E. Launder compares this work to another textbook written by French author R. Schiestel: "... Some of these matters are examined more closely in Schiestel's own recent textbook, Schiestel (1993); but that volume, besides being inconsiderably written in French, presumes a competency and interest in mathematical analysis that is not found in most English-speaking CFD [Computational Fluid Dynamics] practitioners." *** Words of wisdom from "Ask Marilyn," an advice column by Marilyn Vos Savant - Q: What are two of the worst things we commonly teach our children? (Francis Gribbin, Wilmington, Delaware) A: That a knowledge of science is nice but not necessary, and a knowledge of sex is necessary but not nice. *** Today's quote is from Richard Halliburton's 1925 book, _The Royal Road to Romance_. [Halliburton reflects on the glory of having ascended to the peak of the Matterhorn] In that fierce moment of intense living we felt our blood surge within us. The terrors and struggles of the climb were forgotten. The abyss beneath us, the bewildering panorama about us, cast a spell that awed me to silence. I began to believe it awed [Halliburton's friend] Irvine too, for I saw him clasp his hands and look out over the six thousand foot chasm with an expression that assured me he was in tune with the infinite. "Oh, Dick," he whispered in such unusually solemn tones that I awaited some great inspired utterance about the sublimity of nature and the glory of God. Breathlessly, tremblingly, I listened. _"At last,"_ he continued in a far-away voice, "after talking about it and dreaming about it all these years, at last, I can _actually_ SPIT A MILE!" *** .... Does this mean that I reject - on this level - a large amount of Surrealist work? It does. I feel strongly that too much of this painting is merely fanciful, the product of a fully conscious intention and not arriveing, like a dream or an inexplicable imaginative drive, from the unconscious. (_How about having a giraffe on fire and some more limp watches?_ - that kind of thing, quite consciously aimed at, for shock effect.) -- J.B. Priestley *** Ned O'Gorman the kiss Talk of passion is a winter thing, a huddle of girls, descending wind. There is no vehicle in a kiss to carry fury and originality. In that wherewithal of mouth the body greets with cannon the profundis and halt clamavi of the virgin. Dying is a kiss, it has broken me. It rimes with tiger and the gallow tree. *** "The first step is the hardest." Marie Marquise du Deffand (Said to Cardinal de Polignac, when the Cardinal told her that St. Denis, after being decapitated, had picked up his head and carried it two leagues.) (Ah, Monseigneur, je croirais que dans une telle situation _il n'y a que le premier pas qui coute_.' - 'Hey Bubba, when you are in a fix like that _it is only the first step that is difficult_.') (This is one of TFTD's favorites. It is used as a Golden Oldie today for two reasons. TFTD-L went over 5,000 direct subscribers sometime over the weekend of September 23rd. Also the original suggestion for this thought came from Dave England and we are glad to have him back at work after a long illness. -TFTD) *** Freud on Seuss The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality. The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!" After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle. Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self. The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order. With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent. Copyright 1989, Joshua LeBeau (jlebeau@dnai.com) and the Koala Newspaper *** I try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a prospective commencement speaker. "Think of yourself as the body at a Irish wake," he said. "They need you in order to have the party, but nobody expects you to say much." -- National Security Advisor Anthony Lake, addressing students and faculty at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst *** UNCERTAIN MORAL DEPT. Today's quote is from the _Winnipeg Sun_: In Camden, N.J. two-year-old Matthew Mikel slipped while reaching for a cat on a balcony. He and the Cat fell three stories; doctors said Matthew survived because his landing was cushioned by the cat, which did not survive. *** These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. Excerpted from Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121. Grand Canyon National Park ------------------------------------- Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it? Is the mule train air conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park ------------------------------- Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? Denali National Park (Alaska) ---------------------------------- What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where the yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Mesa Verde National Park --------------------------------- Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? Carlsbad Caverns National Park ------------------------------------------ How much of the cave is underground? So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this -- just a hole in the ground? Yosemite National Park ------------------------------- Where are the cages for the animals? What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls? Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton? Yellowstone National Park --------------------------------- Does Old Faithful erupt at night? How do you turn it on? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? *** If (O.J. Simpson) is acquitted, I will renounce my citizenship. And if I converse with him at a cocktail party, I will say, 'Well, there are so many people here who haven't murdered anyone, I think I'll go talk to them.' I'll also riot. -- Dick Cavett, in a 'cyberchat' on the America Online network *** If you want your marriage to sizzle With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up! -- Ogden Nash *** 43 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS ARE BETTER THEN WOMEN. 1. A computer can wait forever for you. 2. A computer doesn't compare you with it's past users. 3. A computer doesn't get calls from it's past users while you're logged in. 4. A computer doesn't mind how excited you get. 5. A computer doesn't tell you how completely teriffic it's past users have been. 6. A computer is big in all the right places. 7. A computer never forgets your birthday. 8. A computer won't ask, "Are you in?" 9. A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?" 10. A computer won't even talk about marriage. 11. A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex. 12. A computer won't get bitchy if you're slow to respond. 13. A computer won't grade you on how much you send it. 14. A computer won't look through your checkbook. 15. A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones. 16. A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends." 17. A computer won't shave with your razor. 18. A computer's maintenance personel don't cross-examine you every time you log 19. The faster a computer is, the better it is 20. Computers are easy to turn on. 21. Computers are ready when you are. 22. Computers are very responsive. 23. Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account. 24. Computers do everything you tell them to. 25. Computers don't care about age differences. 26. Computers don't care if you're married. 27. Computers don't get pregnant. 28. Computers don't get upset if you use other computers. 29. Computers don't insist on foreplay. 30. Computers don't make you meet their parents. 31. Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend. 32. Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you. 33. Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to. 34. Computers never ask you to call them in the morning. 35. Computers never have headaches, or take rainchecks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month. 36. Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends. 37. If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a minute. 38. Size doesn't count to a computer. 39. The average computer session lasts four hours. 40. With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry. 41. You can log into several computers at once. 42. You can turn off a computer. 43. You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be up and ready for you. 44. You don't have to tell computers you love them. *** ON VIRTUAL RELATIONSHIPS A new book on the Internet -- "The Emperor's Virtual Clothes: The Naked Truth About Internet Culture" -- cautions against taking e-mail too seriously: "Trading e-mail is a sort of relationship, but it is not a full relationship -- not even close. I worry about a day when we all communicate this way, choosing our words maybe *too* carefully, just as carefully as choosing our natures and dispositions, our online names, and even our genders, based less on who we are than on what we wish to project." (Chronicle of Higher Education 6 Oct 95 A23) *** I AM THE SLIME I am gross and perverted I'm obsessed and deranged I have existed for years But very little has changed I am the tool of the government And industry too For I am destined to rule and regulate you I may be vile and pernicious But you can't look away I make you think I'm delicious With the stuff that I say I am the best you can get Have you guessed me yet I am the slime oozin' out From your TV set You will obey me while I leap you And eat the garbage that I feed you Until the day that we don't need you Don't go for help... No one will heed you Your mind is totally controlled It has been stuffed into my mold and you will do as you are told Until the rights to you are sold -- Frank Zappa *** So this weekend I finally rented and watched Shaft. Also, Four Weddings and a Funeral. The video store guy said, "interesting combination." Both were enjoyable in their own way. But the true beauty is that Sunday night, I watched Shaft, watched the last couple of minutes of a Mariners loss, and then my absolutely favorite episode of News Radio came on. Did you see it? They're talking about the annual bonuses, in which everyone gets the same amount, except for one person, who gets "the Big Bonus" and another who gets "the Shaft." Phil Hartman: Say, Joe... Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks? Joe: Uh, Bill, I believe you're talking about Shaft. Phil (Bill): I can dig it. And who's the dude who gives all the cops a bad time? (can't remember what this line is, actually) Joe: Once, again, Bill, I believe you're talking about shaft.... You know, Bill, I hear that Shaft is one bad mother... Andy Dick: Okay you guys, shut up. Boss: What's going on? Phil (Bill): We're just talking about Shaft. Boss: I can dig it. That's absolutely inspired comedy, if you ask me. -- Megan Coughlin *** We went and found three inconsequential bills that Shapard had voted against in the Georgia Senate-bills that were so badly drawn that nobody in their right mind would have voted for them. One was to cut taxes. It was a horrible bill, and she voted against it. So I conceived this ad--it was a spotlight shining on a white piece of paper. A male arm comes out in a pinstriped suit, obviously somebody that you can believe and trust, and lays down this Senate bill. And a voice-over says, 'Virginia Shapard had a chance to cut your taxes. She knows how she voted; she only hopes you don't.' And then we got this fat arm-Virginia Shapard was a little on the hefty side with an iron bracelet that looked like it belonged to Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS, and this big fat hand came out and stamped a big 'No' in the middle of the bill. We slaughtered her with that ad. And it was really unfair. -- L. H. (Kip) Carter, Gingrich's campaign treasurer from December 1974 through 1978 as quoted in a 1984 Mother Jones article by David Osborne (http://www.mojones.com/N84/osborne.html) *** This is taken from a review article in the Times Literary Supplement printed on January 22, 1982, by George Steiner, on the life and work of Hungarian radical Georg Lukacs: "When I first called on him, in the winter on 1957-8, in a house still pockmarked with shellbursts and grenade splinters, I stood speechless before the armada of his printed works, as it crowded the bookshelves. Lukacs seized on my puerile wonder and blazed out of his chair in a motion at once vulnerable and amused: `You want to know how one gets work done? It's easy. House arrest, Steiner, house arrest!'" *** Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking." *** "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind. "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M Post-It Notepads. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we' ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" --Apple Computer, Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." -Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon" --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981 *** We are on the way to becoming a two-tiered society composed of a few winners and a larger group left behind, whose anger and disillusionment is easily manipulated. Once unbottled, mass resentment can poison the moral integrity of a nation, replacing ambition with envy, tolerance with hate. Today the targets of rage are immigrants, welfare mothers, government officials, gays, and an ill-defined "counter-culture." As the middle class continues to erode, who will be the targets tomorrow? -- Robert Reich, US Secretary of Labor, from a speech to the Democratic Leadership Council (November 22, 1994) *** SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "Administratium", had no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "morons". Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. According to discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurs in less than one second. Administratium has a half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show that the atomic number actually increases after each reorganization. Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations, and especially in universities. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic and recommend plenty of alcoholic fluids followed by bed rest after even low levels of exposure. *** Everyone who watched the movie "Roxanne" will recall the scene in a bar where Steve Martin's character humiliates a wise- guy who has made a rude remark about his nose. The guy is asked if he can't come up with some wittier remark than he made, and he sarcastically asks if Martin can come up with something better. Martin says he can in fact produce twenty "Something Betters". Did anyone notice that in fact he reels off TWENTY-FIVE? 1. Obvious: "Excuse me, is that your nose, or did a bus park on your face?" 2. Meteorological: "Everybody take cover, she's going to blow!" 3. Fashionable: "You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like Wyoming." 4. Personal: "Well, here we are, just the three of us." 5. Punctual: "All right, Dellman, your nose was on time, but you were fifteen minutes late." 6. Envious: "Ooh, I wish I were you, to be able to smell your own ear." 7. Naughty: "Pardon me, sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away." 8. Philosophical: "You know, it's not the size of a nose that's important, it's what's in it what matters." 9. Humorous: "Laugh and the world laughs with you; sneeze and it's goodbye Seattle." 10. Commercial: "Hi, I'm Earl Scheib, and I can paint that nose for $39.95." 11. Polite: "Ah, would you mind not bobbing your head? The, ah, orchestra keeps changing tempo." 12. Melodic: (Everybody) "He's got the whole world.. in his nose." 13. Sympathetic: "Ooh, what happened, did your parents lose a bet with God?" 14. Complimentary: "You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on." 15. Scientific: "Say, does that thing there influence the tides?" 16. Obscure: "Hoo, I'd hate to see the grindstone." 17. Enquiry: "When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid?" 18. French: "Sir, ze pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave." 19. Pornographic: "Finally, a man can satisfy two women at once." 20. Religious: "The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn't he?" 21. Disgusting: "Say, who mows your nose hair?" 22. Paranoid: "Keep that guy away from my cocaine." 23. Romantic: "It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee ... in Brazil." 24. Appreciative: "Ooh, how original! Most people have their teeth capped." 25. Dirty: "Your name wouldn't be ... Dick, would it?" *** Composed by Jim Muncy Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby Move First Child: I placed my hand on my wives tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience. Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family. Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move. Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery. The Trip to the Hospital First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows. Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet. Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way. Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows. The First Step First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man. Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet. Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed. Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it. The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again. Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain. Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business. Fourth Child: We told the child that if she were still bleeding in a few minutes to come over here and we would see what we could do. When the child came walking up to the door, we told her to stay outside because we didn't want her bleeding on the carpet. Pacifier Falls on Floor First Child: Mother picks it up, runs to the kitchen and disinfects it by boiling in water for ten minutes. Then, after it cools down for ten minutes, she gives it back to the child. Second Child: Mother picks it up, washes it off in hot water, blows on it to cool it down, and gives it back to the child Third Child: Mother picks it up, licks it off, and gives it back to the child. Fourth child. Dog picks it up and licks it off. Mother gives it back to the child. *** What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon and pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. -- Thomas Jefferson *** Exchange between Winston Churchill and Shaw was said to be something on the order of: (Letter to Churchill:) "Enclosed are two tickets for the opening night of my new play. Bring a friend. If you have one." (Reply to Shaw:) "I'm sorry, I'll be unable to attend the opening night of your play. I will, however, be happy to attend on the second night. If you have one." *** Cray's first big machine, the 6600, didn't have parity. When asked about it, Seymour said "Parity is for farmers!" However, when he designed his next big machine, the 7600, he included memory parity checking and someone asked him about his change of heart. In reply he is reported to have said, "I learned that a lot of farmers buy computers." *** the first of the "101 Zen Stories" transcribed by Nyogen Senzaki and Paul Reps and published in Paul Reps' ZEN FLESH, ZEN BONES: Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen. Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. "It is overfull. No more will go it!" "Like this cup," Nan-in said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?" *** THE THIRD 637 BEST THINGS ANYBODY EVER SAID by Robert Byrne, extracted from a DESPERADO The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. -- Chamfort Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. -- Gauguin Housework can kill you if done right. -- Erma Bombeck Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. -- Garrison Keillor The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. -- Galbraith Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -- Erma Bombeck The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. -- Jerry Brown Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. -- Fran Liebowitz In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. -- Josi Simon The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. -- George Miller Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place. -- Calvin Trillin The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with: death. -- Michael Phelps, MD A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. -- Carrie Snow When I was young we didn't have MTV; we had to take drugs and go to concerts. -- Steven Pearl I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed. -- Frank Deford, sports writer One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it. -- anonymous There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.--Churchill A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. -- Michael Winner, British film director It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been elected governor of California. [Warner is also reported to have said when told of Reagan's candidacy for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. -- Maugham I felt like poisoning a monk. -- Umberto Eco, on why he wrote The Name of the Rose All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. -- anonymous I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. -- Larry Lee I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. -- Steven Pearl Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. -- Alex Levine *** An Eschatological Laundry List: A Partial Register of the 927 (or was it 928?) Eternal Truths. 1. This is it! 2. There are no hidden meanings. 3. You can't get there from here, and besides there's no place else to go. 4. We are already dying, and will be dead for a long time. 5. Nothing lasts! 6. There is no way of getting all you want. 7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it. 8. You only get to keep what you give away. 9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things. 10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune. 11. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless. 12. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning. 13. You don't really control anything. 14. You can't make anyone love you. 15. No one is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else. 16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable. 17. There are no great men. 18. If you have a hero, look again; you have diminished yourself in some way. 19. Everyone lies, cheats,, pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly I myself). 20. All evil is potentially vitality in need of transformation. 21. All of you is worth something, if you will only own it. 22. Progress is an illusion. 23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems. 24. Yet it is necessary to keep on struggling toward solution. 25. Childhood is a nightmare. 26. But it so very hard to be an on-you-own, take-care-of- yourself-cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you group- up. 27. Each of us is ultimately alone. 28. The most important things, each man must do for himself. 29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that's all there is. 31. How strange, that so often, it all seems worth it. 32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power and partial knowledge. 33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data. 34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do. 35. No excuses will be accepted. 36. You can run, but you can't hide. 37. It is most important to run out of scapegoats. 38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness. 39. The only victory, lies in surrender to oneself. 40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self. 41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences. 42. What do you know .. for sure .. anyway? 43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again. Source: Kopp, Sheldon (1985). Even a stone can be a teacher: Learning and growing from the experiences of everyday life. Los Angeles: Jeremy P. Tarcher, Inc. (Pp. 198- 201). *** THE TEX-MEX VERSION OF "THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS" Jim and Nita Lee (Dec. 1972) 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa, Not a creature ws stirring -- Caramba! Que pasa? Los ninos were tucked away in their camas, Some in long underwear, some in pijamas, While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado To bring all children, both buenos and malos, A nice batch of dulces and other regalos. Outside in the yard there arose such a grito That I jumped to my feet like a fightened cabrito. I ran to the window and looked out afuera, And who in the world do you think that it era? Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero Came dashing along like a crazy bombero. And pulling his sleigh instead of venados Were eight little burros approaching volados. I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre: "Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto, Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!" Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho He flew to the top of our very own techo. With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea, He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea, Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala, With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala, He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos -- For none of the ninos had been very malos. Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento, He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento. And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad, Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad! *** The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe First Published in 1845 Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore, While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. " 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door; Only this, and nothing more." Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December, And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor. Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow >From my books surcease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Lenore,. For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore, Nameless here forevermore. And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain Thrilled me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before; So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating, " 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door, Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door. This it is, and nothing more." Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, "Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; But the fact is, I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I opened wide the door;--- Darkness there, and nothing more. Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before; But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token, And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, Lenore?, This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" Merely this, and nothing more. Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning, Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before, "Surely," said I, "surely, that is something at my window lattice. Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore. Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore. " 'Tis the wind, and nothing more." Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, In there stepped a stately raven, of the saintly days of yore. Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he; But with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door. Perched upon a bust of Pallas, just above my chamber door, Perched, and sat, and nothing more. Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling, By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore, "Though thy crest be shorn and shaven thou," I said, "art sure no craven, Ghastly, grim, and ancient raven, wandering from the nightly shore. Tell me what the lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore." Quoth the raven, "Nevermore." Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly, Though its answer little meaning, little relevancy bore; For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door, Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door, With such name as "Nevermore." But the raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour. Nothing further then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered; Till I scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before; On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before." Then the bird said, "Nevermore." Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken, "Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store, Caught from some unhappy master, whom unmerciful disaster Followed fast and followed faster, till his songs one burden bore,--- Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore Of "Never---nevermore." But the raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling, Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;, Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore, What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore Meant in croaking, "Nevermore." Thus I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing To the fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core; This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er, But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er She shall press, ah, nevermore! Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer Swung by seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor. "Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee -- by these angels he hath Sent thee respite---respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore! Quaff, O quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!" Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!" "Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil! Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore, Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted-- On this home by horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore: Is there--is there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me I implore!" Quoth the raven, "Nevermore." "Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil--prophet still, if bird or devil! By that heaven that bends above us--by that God we both adore-- Tell this soul with sorrow laden, if, within the distant Aidenn, It shall clasp a sainted maiden, whom the angels name Lenore--- Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels name Lenore? Quoth the raven, "Nevermore." "Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting-- "Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore! Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul spoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!" Quoth the raven, "Nevermore." And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming. And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted-Nevermore! *** I'm Glad I'm A Man I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west I don't get wasted after only 2 beers and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear, I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair and I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back I don't carry our differences into the sack. I#ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball It's more fun than dealing with women after all I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery I don't get all bitchy every 28 days I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you! *** I'm Glad I'm A Woman I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don't brag to my buddies about my erections I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing I don't have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won't tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you! *** What Happened to the Shades of Gray? By CLEMI HIGLEY BLACKBURN The Childress Index CHILDRESS, Texas Where have all the soft edges gone? Where are all the misty grey shades? It appears to me a great and dangerous change has occurred in our country. A change which has filtered even unto the smallest of towns and into the minds of even the gentlest of people. With this change has come fear. The change is personified by a total lack of understanding and tolerance by the populace. There is now a rush to judgment which permeates every aspect of our lives, a change which makes every issue important, either black or white with no room for tolerance or even indifference. Every issue is immediate and overwhelming, leaving no room for us to seek additional information at a slow, easy pace. This has, at least for me, resulted in numerous reasons to feel afraid. Think about this. We are constantly assailed by individuals and groups with exclusive agendas. By exclusive I mean so radically defined as to not see, hear or consider any opinions or feelings of others. We are assaulted by minorities with an objective, regardless of impact or importance. Think about what you have been subjected to over the last few years. Think about how you have been manipulated to accept various agendas as important. Realize the vast amount of drivel that has been crammed down your throat. The media, with its own convoluted agenda, recognizes and touts almost anyone with a mouth and a podium, as long as the topic smacks of tantalizing, offbeat, absurd or inflammatory. It appears that we have swallowed the bilge. We, the average, hard-working, nice gal and guy, have reached the point where scare tactics, misinformation and lies have made us feel guilty and self-conscious with almost every word we speak. We have been inundated with information on: How senior citizens, according to various entities, are going to lose major medical benefits. Is this really true? How do you know? Who do you believe? Where do you go to get the real truth? Those young skinheads so filled with venom and hate for Jews and, subsequently, anyone else who does not believe as they do. I am talking of young pimply-faced kids who first need their mouths washed out and then need a spanking. But, as history is being rewritten, the fallacies they espouse may come to be ``truth.'' Showing them to the country on TV as they harass Holocaust survivors in Skokie, Ill., gives credence to their goals. The respected Smithsonian Institution with its ``politically correct tribute'' to World War II in an attempt to appease the once-enemies of our nation. The environmentalists who endanger not only lives, but income with their extreme behavior. Would it occur to you to spike a tree to inflict deliberate harm to a person whose job is working for a lumber mill? Other environmentalists who manage to jump in the middle of a farmer's land having some slug declared an endangered species and thereby gaining total control over the land and his livelihood. Species preservation is important. Allowing the population of mountain cats to get so out of control as to enter cities and attack people is stupid. Thinking coyotes are harmless and should be protected is stupid ... ask a recently attacked cow! Nasty little thugs whose only achievement is membership in a gang which gives them status, goals, family, sense of accomplishment and the possibility of leadership. Gangs where they brutalize and terrorize on a whim. Gangs where the air time the electronic media give them to ``express their needs and excuses for aberrant behavior'' is what makes them viable. The Federal Reserve's main spokesman sends shock waves with the mere mention of a possible rise in the prime rate. This is, at the very least, manipulation by innuendo which drastically affects the stock market. Gays who are so filled with anger, hate and their goals that they overshadow those in the majority who work hard for a better life and community. Women who blame rather than grow up. Blacks who hold everyone else responsible for all that has gone wrong in their lives. Holding neighbors responsible for injustices centuries past, incapable of accepting personal responsibilities today. Religious zealots without tolerance for others whose beliefs do not mesh with theirs. Blanket condemnation of any and all who haven't ``seen the light'' ... their light. Loud and ugly people whose concerns are for criminal rights while ignoring the victim. Isn't ``criminal rights'' an oxymoron? All of those groups are small. Most have big mouths and the willing cooperation of the media. The media are at fault. The countless ``news'' shows where the reporters are the stars rather than the facts. The talking heads editorializing by inflection and facial expression without your realizing it. Just exactly what can you learn in 30 seconds? How much truth can be absorbed in a 20-second sound bite? What I cannot figure is what is accomplished by putting some sub-human on the air to espouse hate and fear. What purpose is served other than to divide our fragile country? There are too many divisions. We are being bashed with political correctness to the point where we speak guardedly, if at all. People no longer hear what we say because they are only interested in how we say it. This is a nation with freedom of speech? Giving the dregs of society a voice is wrong. Scare tactics bombarding us daily are wrong. Distorting a situation all out of proportion is wrong. Manipulation by a few is wrong. The media are turning this nation into a land of ``me first or else.'' The average person, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a good average person, struggles every single day just trying to do what is right and just and fair. We have reached a point where, regardless of what we do, we are wrong. Regardless of how we try to help, it is never enough. Regardless of how much we are concerned, it is for the wrong reasons. We are living on a guilt trip. I am sick of being taken for a fool. I am a thinking individual, perfectly capable of making decisions, when actually presented with the facts ... all of the unembellished facts. I do not want those, not of my species, paraded before me and touted as an expert on some pathetic part of humanity. I am capable of caring for the plight of others. I am interested in people. I also want to know the numbers, folks. As an example, I don't want to be told Indians have a predisposition to diabetes. Right here you can substitute Indians with veterans, blacks, athletes, girls and substitute diabetes with post traumatic stress syndrome, high blood pressure, steroid use, and a lack of self-confidence, respectively. I want the number of those affected in any given group. I want the unadulterated, unbiased, basic facts, not some implication that everyone is affected. I want the truth. I can handle it ... and so can you. I can discern for myself. I do not need trash aired as the norm. Eliminate the sensational. Cut the crap. Let us have a little civility returned to our lives. Let us experience warm shades of gray and a growing appreciation for the differences between us, but do not let those differences become the issue and divide us. And never should we accept the radical ideas and goals of so few, as fostered upon us by the media, as normal opinions held by our friends and neighbors. Wow! I feel so much better now! *** Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets; I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, then invoked the SAVE command But I got a reprimand: it read Abort, Retry, Ignore. Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top ones Clearly I must now adopt one: Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore. With my fingers pale and trembling Slowly toward the keyboard bending. Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored. Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key -- But on the screen what did I see? Again: Abort, Retry, Ignore. I tried to catch the chips off-guard, I pressed again, but twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards. I saw what I had seen before; Now I typed in desperation Trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation: Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore. There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted, Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw an awful sight: A bold and blinding flash of light -- A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core. I saw the screen collapse and die, "Oh no -- my data base!" I cried. I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data, NEVERMORE." *** CHECK YOUR GIFTS BEFORE YOU SEND THEM A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of{white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During wrapping, the clerk mixed the items up and the sister got the gloves instead. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweethear with this note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will be wearing them on Friday night. All my love P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing. *** More from 1401 things that Piss Me Off: That teeny-weeny spare tire in new cars Not knowing how the toaster knows when the bread is done Coworkers who jam the copier,then flee the scene Deciding whether or not to eat the green potato chip When everyone knows but you Kids that pee in the pool When someone puts an empty ice cube tray back in the freezer Food servers who command you to "enjoy your meal" When you damned if you do and damned when you don't Spouses who toss Alka Seltzers in the tub when your in it. *** Seventeen Important Lessons I Learned from Watching "The Net." 17) Don't allow office temps to have write permissions for the fire-control systems of your major metropolitan skyscraper. 16) If you're fatally allergic to penicillin, wear a Med-Alert bracelet. 15) Never fly your Cessna to a meeting... videoconference, you idiot! 14) Always virus-check software before uploading it to your zillion-dollar mainframe that controls all banking transactions worldwide. 13) When fleeing the police in a high-speed chase, stay _on_ the pavement. 12) Avoid computer trade-shows like the plague, but if you *must* attend, stay off the damn catwalks. 11) If diagnosed HIV-positive, get independent confirmation of same before impulsively blowing your brains out with a sawed-off. 10) All you assassins? Six words: "Practice, practice, practice: marksmanship, marksmanship, marksmanship." 9) Introduce yourself to your next-door neighbors, get a safety-deposit box, hide at least one secret thing somewhere in your apartment where no-one will find it within a few hours of looking and keep receipts for all pizza deliveries. 8) Always ask "FBI Agents" for proper ID, and call the number on the badge *first* before they give you a ride *anywhere*. 7) Three words: "buy a Mac." 6) If you're a young, attractive female who spends long hours alone in front of a computer monitor, email me for a date. NOW! 5) Always check strange prescription labels carefully - before, not after, consuming the entire bottle in one sitting. 4) Don't screw your shrink, and avoid talking to "hackers on vacation" in third-world countries. 3) Never FedEx beta software without removing the visible backdoor to your company's ultra-secret network. 2) Never write your password on the back of your *own* business card. 1) If you find a gun with a silencer in your date's coat-pocket, remove the clip (and the one in the chamber) while they're not looking. If it happens to be a blind first date on a CrissCraft in Mexico, just remove the chambered slug *into* your date, preferably between the eyes. *** In one of New York magazine's competition features, edited by Mary Ann Maden, readers were asked to send in modern malapropisms. Here are some of the contributions: He's a wolf in cheap clothing. It was a case of love at Versailles. He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs. In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar. My sister has extra-century perception. A fool and his money are some party. All's fear in love and war. Nip it in the butt. Some viruses can lie doormat for years. To each his zone. Michaelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel. No more negotiating - it's a dumb deal. It's a long road to hold. All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet. *** The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots. -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" *** What would I have done differently in my 20s and 30s if I had known then what I know now? For one thing, I would have laughed more; seen more Laurel and Hardy movies. And I would have grieved less. I would have understood earlier that not all losses are permanent and that some things lost were not worth keeping. I would have taken more time to note the changing seasons. ("Can you believe it?" an elderly friend asked me one spring day. "Can you believe that even if I live to be a hundred, I will see all this only 100 times?") I would have been more daring. Emotionally daring, that is; in the spirit of Eudora Welty's observation that "all serious daring starts from within." I would have understood sooner how profoundly satisfying the ordinary transactions of daily life can be: the perfect cup of morning coffee; the son shouting down "good night!" from his room; the ginger-colored cat caught napping in a triangle of sunlight. -- Alice Steinbach, Baltimore _Sun_ *** Printer's ink has been running a race against gunpowder these many, many years. Ink is handicapped, in a way, because you can blow up a man with gunpowder in half a second, while it may take twenty years to blow him up with a book. But the gunpowder destroys itself along with its victim, while a book can keep on exploding for centuries. -- Chistopher Morley, "The Haunted Bookshop" *** About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. With all the trucks and large vehicles were two large figures that were dressed in full Lunar spacesuits. Near by, a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange=7F creatures walk about occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message they asked his son to translate. His son would not. Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land." -- Charles Phillip Whitedog, Ojibway and Network Manager Multimission Ground Systems Office (Mission Control), Jet Propulsion Laboratory, NASA *** GIRLFRIEND COMMUNICATION GUIDE ================================ WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND /WIFE SAYS ... /WIFE REALLY MEANS * You want <=> You want * We need <=> I want * It's your decision <=> The correct decision should be obvious by now. * Do what you want <=> You'll pay for this later * We need to talk <=> I need to complain * Sure... go ahead <=> I don't want you to. * I'm not upset <=> Of course I'm upset,you moron. * You're ... so manly <=> You need a shave and you sweat a lot. * You're certainly <=> Is sex all you ever think about? attentive tonight. * I'm not emotional! <=> I'm on my period. And I'm not overreacting! * Be romantic, turn <=> I have flabby thighs. out the lights. * This kitchen is so <=> I want a new house. inconvenient * I want new curtains <=> and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... * I need wedding shoes <=> the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white * Hang the picture <=> NO, I mean hang it there! there * I heard a noise <=> I noticed you were almost asleep. * Do you love me? <=> I'm going to ask for something expensive. * How much do you love <=> I did something today you're really not me? going to like. * I'll be ready in <=> Kick off your shoes and find a good a minute. game on T.V. * Is my butt fat? <=> Tell me I'm beautiful. * You have to learn <=> Just agree with me. to communicate. * Are you listening <=> [Too late, your dead.] to me!? * Yes <=> No * No <=> No * Maybe <=> No * I'm sorry. <=> You'll be sorry. * Do you like this <=> It's easy to fix, recipe? so you'd better get used to it. * Was that the baby ? <=> Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. * I'm not yelling! <=> Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. * All we're going to <=> It goes without saying that we're buy is a soap dish stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGIOD there's a pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook? *** 25 THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS 1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough. 7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. 8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. 11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. 24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing. *** "Bite the wax tadpole." - Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." - ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese "I am a jelly doughnut" - English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall "We pray for MacArthur's erection." - sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991 "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." - Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad "I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that." - Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona "Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States." - Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972 "Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." - correction printed in The Daily Californian "Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!" - Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer "I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?" - announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience They X-Rayed my head and found nothing. - Jerome "Dizzy" Dean ***