1. Share everything. 2. Play fair. 3. Don't hit people. 4. Put things back where you found them. 5. Clean up your own mess. 6. Don't take things that aren't yours. 7. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. 8. Wash your hands before you eat. 9. Flush. 10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. 11. Live a balanced life--learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. 12. Take a nap every afternoon. 13. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. 14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. 15. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup--they all die. So do we. 16. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned--the biggest word of all--LOOK. -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" *** Most of us miss out on life's big prizes. The Pulitzer. The Nobel. Oscars. Tonys. Emmys. But we're all eligible for life's small pleasures. A pat on the back. A kiss behind the ear. A four-pound bass. A full moon. An empty parking space. A crackling fire. A great meal. A glorious sunset. Hot soup. Cold beer. Don't fret about copping life's grand awards. Enjoy its tiny delights. There are plenty for all of us. -- published in the Wall Street Journal by United Technologies Corp. *** What information consumes is rather obvious: it consumes the attention of its recipients. Hence a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention, and a need to allocate that attention efficiently among the overabundance of information sources that might consume it. -- Nobel laureate economist Herbert Simon *** My uncle ordered popovers from the restaurant's bill of fare. And, when they were served, he regarded them with a penetrating stare. Then he spoke great Words of Wisdom as he sat there on that chair: "To eat these things," said my uncle, "You must exercise great care. You may swallow down what's solid, BUT...you must spit out the air!" And as you partake of the world's bill of fare, that's darned good advice to follow. Do a lot of spitting out the hot air. And be careful what you swallow. -- Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss) *** It is not enough merely to exist. It's not enough to say, "I'm earning enough to support my family. I do my work well. I'm a good father, husband, churchgoer." That's all very well. But you must do something more. Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. Even if it's a little thing, do something for those who need help, something for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too. -- Albert Schweitzer *** I wonder why, I wonder why. I wonder why I wonder. I wonder why I wonder why; I wonder why I wonder? -- Richard Feynman *** He hadn't time to pen a note. He hadn't time to cast a vote. He hadn't time to sing a song. He hadn't time to right a wrong. He hadn't time to love or give. He hadn't time to really live. From now on he'll have time on end He died today, my 'busy' friend. *** Finagle's Laws of Information: 1. The information you have is not what you want. 2. The information you want is not what you need. 3. The information you need is not what you can obtain. 4. The information you can obtain costs more than you want to pay! *** To laugh often and much To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics And endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. -- Emerson *** When you're young, you look at television and think, there's a conspiracy. The networks have conspired to dumb us down. But when you get a little older, you realize that's not true. The networks are in business to give people exactly what they want. That's a far more depressing thought. Conspiracy is optimistic! You can shoot the bastards! We can have a revolution! But the networks are really in the business to give people what they want. -- Steve Jobs, on the problem with television, Wired 3/96 *** The only problem with Microsoft is they just have no taste, they have absolutely no taste, and what that means is, I don't mean that in a small way I mean that in a big way. ...I have a problem with the fact that they just make really third rate products. -- Steve Jobs, Triumph of the Nerds, PBS Documentary *** Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers...choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose a future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? -- Trainspotting *** It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office. -- H.L. Mencken *** There is no odor so bad as that which arises from goodness tainted. It is human, it is divine, carrion. If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life, as from that dry and parching wind of the African deserts called the simoon, which fills the mouth and nose and ears and eyes with dust till you are suffocated, for fear that I should get some of his good done to me, -- some of its virus mingled with my blood. No, -- in this case I would rather suffer evil the natural way. -- Henry David Thoreau, Walden *** If any invention marks the decline of human civilization, I think it would be the snooze alarm. The snooze alarm is based on the idea that when the alarm goes off, you're not getting up...They should sell the snooze alarm with an unemployment application and a bottle of tequila. Just make it a complete pathetic-loser kit. -- Jerry Seinfeld *** All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. -- a parody of "All Things Bright and Beautiful" by the comic geniuses of Monty Python's Flying Circus *** We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore, either. -- Mark Twain *** NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. -- G.B. Shaw *** Smart people spend time alone. They don't fill their days with appointments from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m., as many politicians and executives do. Great science does not emerge from hard logic and grinding hours. It comes from the mysterious resources of the human brain and soul. Inspiration is nurtured by activities like chopping wood and raking leaves, preparing dinner and reading to the kids. These activities soften the rigid pace of the day's pursuits and allow all our God-given intuition to work its unlogical magic. Only then can we reach our fullest potential. Only then can we leap from thinking to understanding. -- Philip K. Howard *** All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from my Cat Life is hard, then you nap. Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours. When in doubt, cop an attitude. Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day annoy them. Climb your way to the top... that's why the drapes are there. Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face. Find your place in the sun... especially if it happens to be on that nice pile of warm, clean laundry. Make your mark in the world... or at least spray in each corner. When eating out, think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or thirty times. If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over several expensive antique lamps. Always give generously... a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care." *** Last night as I went up the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today I wish to God he'd go away. *** Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high; Where knowledge is free; Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls; Where words come from the depths of truth; Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection; Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary desert sands of dead habit; Where the mind is led forward by thee into ever-widening thought and action; Into that heaven of freedom, my father, let my country awake. -- Rabindranath Tagore *** At first I hoped that such a technically unsound project would collapse but I soon realized it was doomed to success. Almost anything in software can be implemented, sold, and even used given enough determination. There is nothing a mere scientist can say that will stand against the flood of a hundred million dollars. But there is one quality that cannot be purchased in this way... and that is reliability. The price of reliability is the pursuit of the utmost simplicity. It is a price which the very rich find most hard to pay. -- C.A.R. Hoare in The Emperor's Old Clothes, Turing Award Lecture (27 October 1980) There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. -- C.A.R. Hoare *** In science, "fact" can only mean "confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent." I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms. -- Stephen Jay Gould *** Circle of Quiet =============== ... our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not the darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; It's in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconciously give other people permission to do the same. As we liberate ourselves from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -- Nelson Mandela, 1994 Inaugural Speech *** There is no left and right here, only unanimity of belief in the the boundless, cabalistic evil of the government and its allies. In a characteristic [left-wing paranoid magazine] _Paranoia_ article, the writer Mark Westion argues a New World Order theory quite similar to that of the rightist militia movement -- a "shadow government" operating behind the scenes, George Bush and Bill Clinton as puppet Presidents, the Gulf War as a vast scam to enrich the Bush family -- except that Westion is coming at the subject from the vantage point of hippie nostalgia, an attitude not ordinarily associated with the militias. In Westion's theory, the government not only intentionally killed the Branch Davidians and shot up the family of the white supremacist Randy Weaver in Idaho but it also orchestrated the 1970 Kent State shootings, built up the Latin America cocaine cartel, and introduced disco... all for the purpose of ending the Age of Aquarius. -- from a _New Yorker_ article on the "fusion paranoia" that somehow unites left and right in American politics *** Don't call me "Generation X," call me a child of the eighties by Bryant Adkins, published in The Reflector, January 20, 1995 I am a child of the eighties. That is what I prefer to be called. The nineties can do without me. Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is fickle and "Generation X" is a myth created by some over-40 writer trying to figure out why people wear flannel in the summer. When I got home from school, I played with my Atari 2600. I spent hours playing Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Dodge'em Cars or Frogger. I never did beat Asteroids. Then I watched "Scooby Doo." Daphne was a Goddess, and I thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of their psychedelic van. I hated Scrappy. I would sleep over at friends' houses on the weekends. We played army with G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots and Decepticons. We stayed up half the night throwing marshmallows and Velveeta at one another. We never beat the Rubik's Cube. I got up on Saturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like "The Snorks," "Jabberjaw," "Captain Caveman," and "Space Ghost." In between I would watch "School House Rock." ("Conjunction junction, what's your function?") On weeknights Daisy Duke was my future wife. I was going to own the General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out the back. Why did they weld the doors shut? At the movies the Nerds got Revenge on the Alpha Betas by teaming up with the Omega Mus. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of the Covenant, and wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No, there is another." Ronald Reagan was cool. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds in Moscow. My family took summer vacations to the Gulf of Mexico and collected "Muppet Movie" glasses along the way. (We had the whole set.) My brother and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel we found creative uses for Connect Four pieces like throwing them in that big air conditioning unit. I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses for Jack and Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of his dreams, red, gold, and green. MTV played videos. Nickelodeon played "You Can't Do That on Television" and "Dangermouse." Cor! HBO showed Mike Tyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens, the bad actress from "Head of the Class" who took all Mike's cashflow. I drank Dr. Pepper. "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?" Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange juice wasn't just for breakfast anymore, and bacon had to move over for something meatier. My mom put a thousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown lunch box, and filled my Snoopy Thermos with grape Kool-Aid. I would never eat the snack cakes, though. Did anyone? I got two thousand cheese and cracker snack packs, and I ate those. I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday. Some weird guy from the eighth grade always won the science fair with the working hydro-electric plant that leaked on my project about music and plants. They just loved Beethoven. Field day was bigger than Christmas, but it always managed to rain just enough to make everybody miserable before they fell over in the three-legged race. Where did all those panty hose come from? "Deck the Halls with Gasoline, fa la la la la la la la la," was just a song. Burping was cool. Rubber band fights were cooler. A substitute teacher was a baby sitter/marked woman. Nobody deserved that. I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but never managed to win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award but don't remember ever doing anything. The world stopped when the Challenger exploded. Did a teacher come in and tell your class? Half of your friends' parents got divorced. People did not just say no to drugs. AIDS started, but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from cancer. Somebody in your school died before they graduated. When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too. We are children of the eighties. That is what I prefer "they" call it. *** Person #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Person #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision. Person #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Person #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Person #1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! Person #2: This is a lighthouse. Your call. *** Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea... -- Douglas Adams *** Of all tyrannies a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies, The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. -- C.S. Lewis, _God in the Dock_ *** I was sitting on the subway and across from me there was this kid with orange hair with green stripes, tattoos and an earring thrust through one nostril. He saw me looking at him and glared back. "What's wrong, old man?" he asked angrily "You never do anything stupid when you were young?" "Yes," I said, "I screwed a parakeet once. I was just wondering if you might be my son." *** Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game.... Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. *** The following were winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French motorcycle? IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys! VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore I am a waffle. RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead. RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish. QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal. LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. No kidding. POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Support your local clown. MONAGE A TROIS -- I am three years old. FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a boat. HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied. QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort ALOHA OY -- Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know. MAZEL TON -- tons of luck APRES MOE LE DELUGE -- Larry and Curly got wet. PORTE-KOCHERE -- Sacramental wine ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy about having dough. FUI GENERIS -- What's mine is mine. VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it. CA VA SANS DIRT -- And that's not gossip. MERCI RIEN -- Thanks for nothin'! AMICUS PURIAE -- Platonic friend L'ETAT, C'EST MOO -- I'm bossy around here. *** Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire? *** "Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer. *** CORRECTION OF THE WEEK (From _Business Insurance_) The following corrects errors in the July 17 geographical agent and broker listing: United States: Charlotte appeared twice in the North Carolina listing. International: Aberdeen is in Scotland, not Saudi Arabia or England; Antwerp is in Belgium, not Barbados; Baie Mahault is in Guam, not Guadeloupe; Belfast is in Northern Ireland, not Nigeria; Bogota was listed twice in Colombia; Cardiff is in Wales, not Vietnam; Edinburgh is in Scotland, not England; Helsinki is in Finland, not Fiji; Moscow is in Russia, not Qatar; Nilsen Brothers has an office in Norway, not Oman. -- The New Yorker *** The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife Brought to you in hypertext by Meng Weng Wong. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) A wife?... NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. -- Jesus (Revelation 15?) *** [Date Today] Dear Mr. Kennelly: Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [Your name here] *** It would be difficult to imagine a group of people more ill-suited to a life in the wilderness. They packed as if they had misunderstood the purpose of the trip. They found room for sundials and candle-snuffers, a drum, a trumpet, and a complete history of Turkey. One William Mullins packed 126 pairs of shoes and thirteen pairs of boots. Yet they failed to bring a single cow or horse, plow or fishing line. [ ... ] They were, in short, dangerously unprepared for the rigors ahead, and they demonstrated their incompetence in the most dramatic way possible: by dying in droves. -- from Made in America: an informal history of the English Language in the United States, by Bill Bryson *** Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. ------------------------------------------------------------------ +A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. +Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. +Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. +Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. +Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. +Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. +Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. +Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. +Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. +Candidate brought large dog to interview. +Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. +Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. +"What is it that you people do at this company?" +"What is the company motto?" +"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" +"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" +"Why do you want references?" +"Do I have to dress for the next interview?" +"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" +"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" +"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" +"Does your health insurance cover pets?" +"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" +"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" +"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" +"Why am I here?" *** 101 things NOT to say during sex 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today 12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I just brushed my teeth... 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29. I want a baby! 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34. I think you have it on backwards. 35. When is this supposed to feel good? 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38. Is that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.. 47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49. This would be more fun with a few more people.. 50. You're almost as good as my ex! 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53. You look younger than you feel. 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60. What tampon? 61. Have you ever considered liposuction? 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64. I have a confession... 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you? 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72. Did you come yet, dear? 73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75. Does this count as a date? 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please 78. I think biting is romantic- don't you? 79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?) 80. When would you like to meet my parents? 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88. Sorry but I don't do toes! 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". 93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash! 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95. Is this a sin too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"? 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? *** If you all are anything like me then you had no idea what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. So, through a friend of a friend of a friend who had a two hour conversation with Quentin Tarantino himself, I now know, and I thought I would pass along the information because it makes the movie even 100 times better than it already is. Remember the first time you were introduce to Marsellis Wallace. The first shot of him was of the back of his head, complete with band-aid. Then, remember the combination of the lock on the briefcase was 666. Then, remember that whenever anyone opened the briefcase, it glowed, and they were in amazement at how beautiful it was; they were speechless. Now, bring in some Bible knowledge, and remember that when the devil takes your soul, he takes it from the back of your head. Yep, you guessed it. And what is the most beautiful thing about a person: his soul. Marsellis Wallace had sold his soul to the devil, and was trying to buy it back. The three kids in the beginning of the movie were the devil's helpers. And remember that when the kid at the end came out of the bathroom with a "hand cannon," Jules and Vincent were not harmed by the bullets. "God came down and stopped the bullets," because they were saving a soul. It was divine intervention. Ezekiel 25:17 "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee." *** A husband and wife are driving and they get pulled over by a policeman. The policeman gets to the car and asks for the man's license. The man replies, "Why do you need my license? What did I do wrong?" The policeman answers, "You were travelling 45 mph in a 30 mph zone." "Come on, officer, " the man replies, "You know I was only going 35." "No you weren't!" quips the wife, "I told you you were speeding! I told you not to go fast. I knew you'd get a ticket!" "Shut Up!" grunts the husband. The policeman continues, "I'm also am charging you for going through a red light." "Officer, " the man explains, "you know as well as I, that light was yellow - not red." The wife pipes in, "No, it was most definitely red - I told you it was red - I told you." At this point the husband is infuriated. He yells at his wife, "SHUT UP!" The policeman exclaims, "Hey! stop yelling at you wife!" He then turns to the wife and asks, "Does he always talk to you this way?" She calmly replies, "No, only when he's been drinking." *** THE FIVE LEVELS OF DRINKING LEVEL 1; It's 11;00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 2; It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.". LEVEL 3; One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 4; Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an....after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ..................cool. LEVEL 5; Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!" *** CLARENCE Clarence Lee from Tennessee Loved the commericals he saw on TV. He watched with wide believing eyes And bought everything they advertised- Cream to make his skin feel better, Spray to make his hair look wetter, Bleach to make his white things whiter, Stylish jeans that fit much tighter. Toothpaste for his cavities, Powder for his doggie's fleas, Purple mouthwash for his breath, Deodorant to stop his sweat. He bought each cereal they presented, Bought each game that they invented. Then one day he looked and saw "A brand-new Maw, a better Paw! New, improved in every way- Hurry, order yours today!" So, of course, our little Clarence Sent off for two brand-new parents. The new ones came in the morning mail, The old ones he sold at a garage sale. And now they all are doing fine: His new folks treat him sweet and kind, His old ones work in an old coal mine. So if your Maw and Paw are mean And make you eat your lima beans And make you wash and make you wait And never let you stay up late And scream and scold and preach and pout, That simply means they're wearing out. So send off for two brand-new parents And you'll be as happy as little Clarence. -- Shel Silverstein *** Today's quote is from the 1861 edition of _Mayhew's London_, an collection of essays about 19th-century London Labour and the London Poor. A costermonger is discussing the theatre-going habits of his class: "Love and murder suit us best, sir; but within these few years I think there's a great deal more liking for deep tragedies among us. They sent men a thinking, but then we all consider them too long. Of _Hamlet_ we can make neither end nor side; and nine of ten of us - ay, far more than that - would have liked it to be confined to the ghost scenes, and the funeral, and the killing off at the last." *** The Winter Palace by Philip Larkin Most people know more as they grow older: I give all that the cold shoulder. I spent my second quarter-century Losing what I had learned at university And refusing to take in what had happened since. Now I know none of the names in the public prints, And am starting to give offence by forgetting faces And swearing I've never been in certain places. It will be worth it, if in the end I manage To blank out whatever it is that is doing the damage. Then there will be nothing I know. My mind will fold into itself, like fields, like snow. *** To Failure by Philip Larkin You do not come dramatically, with dragons That rear up with my life between their paws And dash me butchered down besides the wagons, The horses panicking; nor as a clause Clearly set out to warn what can be lost, What out-of-pocket charges must be borne, Expenses met; nor as a draughty ghost That's seen, some mornings, running down a lawn. It is these sunless afternoons, I find, Instal you at my elbow like a bore. The chestnut trees are caked with silence. I'm Aware the days pass quicker than before, Smell staler too. And once they fall behind They look like ruin. You have been here some time. *** To put one brick upon another by Philip Larkin To put one brick upon another, Add a third, and then a fourth, Leaves no time to wonder whether What you do has any worth. But to sit with bricks around you While the winds of heaven bawl Weighing what you should or can do Leaves no doubt of it at all. *** In Memory of W. B. Yeats (d. Jan. 29, 1939) by W. H. Auden I. He disappeared in the dead of winter: The brooks were frozen, the airports almost deserted, And snow disfigured the public statues; The mercury sank in the mouth of the dying day. What instruments we have agree The day of his death was a dark cold day. Far from his illness The wolves ran on through the evergreen forests, The peasant river was untempted by the fashionable quays; By mourning tongues The death of the poet was kept from his poems. But for him it was his last afternoon as himself, An afternoon of nurses and rumours; The provinces of his body revolted, The squares of his mind were empty, Silence invaded the suburbs, The current of his feeling failed; he became his admirers. Now he is scattered among a hundred cities And wholly given over to unfamiliar affections To find his happiness in another kind of wood And be punished under a foreign code of conscience. The words of a dead man Are modified in the guts of the living. But in the importance and noise of to-morrow When the brokers are roaring like beasts on the floor of the Bourse, And the poor have the sufferings to which they are fairly accustomed, And each in the cell of himself is almost convinced of his freedom, A few thousand will think of this day As one thinks of a day when one did something slightly unusual. What instruments we have agree The day of his death was a dark cold day. II. You were silly like us; your gift survived it all: The parish of rich women, physical decay, Yourself. Mad Ireland hurt you into poetry. Now Ireland has her madness and her weather still, For poetry makes nothing happen: it survives In the valley of its making where executives Would never want to tamper, flows on south >From ranches of isolation and the busy griefs, Raw towns that we believe and die in; it survives, A way of happening, a mouth. III. Earth, receive an honoured guest: William Yeats is laid to rest. Let the Irish vessel lie Emptied of its poetry. In the nightmare of the dark All the dogs of Europe bark, And the living nations wait, Each sequestered in its hate; Intellectual disgrace Stares from every human face, And the seas of pity lie Locked and frozen in each eye. Follow, poet, follow right Into the bottom of the night, With your unconstraining voice Still persuade us to rejoice; With the farming of a verse Make a vineyard of the curse, Sing of human unsuccess In a rapture of distress; In the deserts of the heart Let the healing fountain start, In the prison of his days Teach the free man how to praise. *** FORREST in EVERYONE'S LIFE Forrest Gump Life is like a Box of chocolates... Forrest Dahmer People are like a box of chocolate, YUM! Forrest Simpson Mmmmm, choolate Forrest the Hun Chocolate all mine! Forrest Simmons Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE! Forrest Rivera People who like Chocolate..Next on 'Forrest' Forrest Jackson Little kids like my box of chocolates Forrest Hefner Keep the chocolate, lose the box. Forrest Shakespeare Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question Forrest Of Borg All chocolates must be assimilated Forrest Presley Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate Forrest Zen I am one with the chocolate Forrest McClaine I used to be a box of Chocolates Forrest Ventura Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then... Forrest Lauper People just wanna have chocolate Forrest Turner What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it? Forrest Bones Dammit jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate Forrest Spock Logically speaking, we are all chocolate Forrest Scotty The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n Forrest Christ Let he without sin, eat the first chocolate Forrest Rooney Why is it, that we are all chocolates? Forrest Butler Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate Forrest O'Hara Tommorrow, is another box of chocolates. Forrest Lee Fight with your inner chocolate Forrest Clinton I didn't inhale the cream centers Forrest Davidson I will inhale the cream filled centers Forrest Doo Roinks Raggy, Rocolates! Forrest Pig Life is a box of chok-choa-che..candy Forrest Marx That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen.... Forrest Nicholson You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate Forrest Copperfield Poof, the chocolates are gone! Forrest X We didn't land in the box of chocolate The box of chocolate landed on us! Forrest Hitler White Chocolates only! Forrest the Frog Someday we'll find it, The chocolate connections The plain ones, The cream filled....and me... Forrest Eastwood I know what your thinking.. Did he eat five chocolates, or did he eat six Well let me ask you... Do you feel hungry PUNK?..well...DO YOU? Forrest Barney I'm cream filled, your with nuts. We're a box of chocoluts Forrest Adam and Eve ADAM=Chocolates are forbidden EVE=Just eat one.... Forrest Moses I command the chocolates to seperate! Forrest Noah 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter Forrest Ali I am the chocolate boxer! Forrest on phonics Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets Forrest PsychicLine Yes, I knew you were a chocolate Forrest 900-line oooh, can I suck your cream filled chocolates? Forrest DatingGame Bacholer number two... if I was a piece of chocolate.. What would you fill me with? Forrest Alimony The Box is mine! Forrest Adultry You just can't have just one chocolate. The Forrest plague Ewww..these Chocolates are bad Chief Justice Forrest Thomas I never touched her milk-duds! Forrest Andrews The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates Forrest Allen Chocolate, huroof.. Forrest Costello Who's eating chocolate? Forrest Abbott No, who is not eating chocolate Forrest Vader Luke, I am your chocolate Forrest Yoda There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.. *** These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine: I'm not sure what the questions are but one can guess.... Grand Prize Winner: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. Runners-up: If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. Honorable Mentions: Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis. The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells." *** Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown Boston city bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Boston for two weeks and pay only $15.40?" *** It is an art form to hate New York City properly. So far I have always been a featherweight debunker of New York; it takes too much energy and endurance to record the infinite number of ways the city offends me. Were I to list them all, I would fill up a book the size of the Manhattan yellow pages, and that would merely be the prologue. -- Pat Conroy (Prince of Tides) *** This is the beginning of one of those little memo chains that slowly evolves from "Nah, we just want our $4.32" to "We regret to inform you of the 10:32PM arrival of the Governor's Pardon for your 10:30PM execution. Please use the enclosed post-paid Customer Reply Card to comment on our performance in this matter..." -- Rohit Khare *** Printer's ink has been running a race against gunpowder these many, many years. Ink is handicapped, in a way, because you can blow up a man with gunpowder in half a second, while it may take twenty years to blow him up with a book. But the gunpowder destroys itself along with its victim, while a book can keep on exploding for centuries. -- Chistopher Morley, _The Haunted Bookshop_ *** THE RULES 1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she sa id. 15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim. 17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm. 18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5. *** Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the area they each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination. But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!" The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture." But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana plantation. At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let me in!" The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!" At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fibreglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkelling and dolphin shows. At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!" This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations. By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods. The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort complex with machine-guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs. Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care and affordable housing for everyone. {My note: well it is a fairy tale after all.} Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing of the story. *** When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" *** O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art As glorious to this night, being o'er my head As is a winged messenger of heaven Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds And sails upon the bosom of the air. -- From ROMEO AND JULIET Act 2, Scene 2 *** 2 BDRM. house: with fireplace, garage. work shop & large yard. $200 per month. No children, no pets, no smokers, no drinkers, no drugs, no gays, & no freethinkers; no Buddhists, no Baptists, no Moonies, no Junies, no Communists sympathizers, room deodorizers, nor tranquilizers; no creeps, no punks, no fools, no losers, no onions & hold the mayo. In fact, never mind...I'm going to sell the property & move to Denver or India or some place. ( And no musicians.) *** AN ENGLISH LANGUAGE/GIRL-TALK DIRTY WORD GLOSSARY: It's very fasionable for even young girls to be remarkably foul-mouthed. But only in public. In private, intimate moments, when blunt words might be expected women suddenly turn coy and revert to language of chaste propriety. Below is a brief list of translations: ENGLISH: GIRL-TALK: Cock It Balls Those Tits These Cunt There Shit Freshen Up Fuck Dinner and a movie -P.J. O'Rourke from "The Modern Man's Guide to Life" (originally printed in O'Rourke's "Modern Manners") *** A College Entrance Exam An actual essay written by a college applicant to SPU; the author was accepted and is now attending SPU. 3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. *** A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill,he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Republican." *** DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS 1. The Cat in the Blender 2. Are You My Proctologist? 3. Fox in Detox 4. Who Shat in the Hat? 5. Horton Feels a Ho 6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax 7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day 8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You? 9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil 10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch 11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out! 12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert 13. The Bitch Set Me Up 14. I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up! 15. Yentl the Lentil 16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket 17. Aunts in My Pants 18. Hop On Mom 19. Oh, the Place You'll Scratch and Sniff! 20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm 21. The Grinch's Ten Inches *** The fact of the matter is, we scientists are simply not all that interesting. If I may generalize wildly, we are usually dull people with interesting ideas -- as distinguished from artists (interesting people with dull ideas) and dancers and athletes (dull people with dull ideas and magnificent physical skills). -- "Science Faction", by James S. Trefil, Scientific American, 11/95 *** It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew niether victory nor defeat. -- Theodore Roosevelt *** Without contraries is no progression. Attraction and Repulsion, Reason and Energy, Love and Hate, are necessary to Human existence. From these contraries spring what the religious call Good and Evil. Good is the passive that obeys Reason. Evil is the active springing from Energy. Good is Heaven. Evil is Hell. -- William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven and Hell *** Anything approaching the change that came over his features I have never seen before and hope never to see again. Oh, I wasn't touched. I was fascinated. It was as though a veil had been rent. I saw on that ivory face the expression of sombre pride, of ruthless power, of craven terror, of an intense and hopeless despair. Did he live his life again in every detail of desire, temptation, and surrender during that supreme moment of complete knowledge? He cried in a whisper at the some image, at some vision - he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath: The horror! The horror! -- Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness *** OK, here is the woman's guide to what a men is really saying when he says... (in any situation) I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired (on a one-on-one situation) Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Nice dress! = Nice cleavage You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you. (in a group) Anyone want to go eat? = I want to go eat Who wants to see this movie? = Do we have to see this movie? Who wants to see this movie? = Doesn't anyone else want to see this movie? (already trapped in a "relationship") What's wrong? = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this. What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? What's wrong? = Oh no! Not again! What's wrong? = WHAT IS IT NOW? What's wrong? = Quit whining! What's wrong? = Oh god of all creatures big and small, please don't let it be a long one! What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. Yes dear = Bitch! I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let's have sex now. I love you too = Now why did you have to say that, it makes my stomach turn. Yes, I missed you = How else do you expect me to answer that? And how I missed you = Bitch! (answering to her "Did you think that girl was pretty" question) She was alright = If an elephant came into the room, would I not see it? Sure, let's go see that play = I don't want to go, but you'll make my life miserable if I don't go. Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before. = 50 bucks and it doesn't look that much different! = For 50 bucks they should have given you more hair instead of taking some away. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. Hello, FTD? I'd like to send some flowers to my girlfriend/wife... = This ought to shut her up for a while at the expense of some humiliation from my male peers. = This ought to secure sex with her tonight! (while shopping) I like that one better = pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay (suicide) Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks" = I don't want to have "talks" over the phone anymore. *** READING THE SIGNS : How To Make Shallow Snap Judgments The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize and decode these KEY "SIGNS." 1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex 2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay 3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins 4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way- Is a virgin 5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent 6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote 7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan 8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho 9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow 10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow 11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm 12. Orders salad dressing on the side -Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way" 13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed 14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue 15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..."- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't 16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only 17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs 18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation 19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come 20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot 21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you 22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac 23. Drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm (Female) 24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male) 25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money 26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex 27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob 28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch 29. Wants to split dessert-Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters 30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count 31. Undertips waiter - Small penis 32. Undertips parking valet - Small penis 33. Undertips cabbie - Small penis 34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything 35. Removable cassette player in car-Pulls out repeatedly during sex 36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant 37. Smokes the baggie - Not afraid to rub the Wozz *** When eras die, their legacies Are left to strange police. Professors in New England guard The glory that was Greece. -- Clarence Day, from Thoughts Without Words *** To err is human, to forgive is divine to moo is bovine to bleat is ovine to oink is procine to howl is lupine to bark is canine to purr is feline this list is assinine. *** Commandancy of the Alamo Bejar, Fby 24th 1836-- TO THE PEOPLE OF TEXAS & ALL AMERICANS IN THE WORLD Fellow Citizens & Compatriots-- I am besieged, by a thousand or more of the Mexicans under Santa Anna--I have sustained a continual Bombardment & cannonade for 24 hours & have not lost a man--The enemy has demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise the garrison are to be put to the sword, if the fort is taken-- I have answered the demand with a cannon shot, & our flag still waves proudly from the walls-- I _shall never surrender or retreat. Then_ I call on you in the name of Liberty, of patriotism & everything dear to the American character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch-- The enemy is receiving reinforcements daily & will no doubt increase to three or four thousand in four or five days. If this call is neglected, I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible & die a soldier who never forgets what is due to his own honor & that of his country-- _Victory or Death._ _________________ _________________ William Barret Travis Lt. Col. Comdt. *** A lady goes into labor & so she and her husband head off to the hospital. When they get there, the woman is moaning and screaming and her husband says, "You women are wimps... I don't know what all the fuss is about." The nurse says, "Sir, it so happens that we've invented a process whereby we can transfer the mother's pain to the father. Would you like to try it?" The guy agrees... So they crank him up to 50% (i.e. he's got 50% of the pain; the mother has the other 50%). He says, "Heh. This is nothing!" So they give him 75%, the mother 25%. Still, he says, "This hardly hurts at all. Just as I suspected -- women are wimps." Finally, they crank him up to 100%. Still, he's undaunted. So the woman delivers the baby without any pain at all, since the husband has the full 100% on him. Well, they're elated at having a child and hop in the car to go home. They drive and talk about the 50/50 thing and how women really are wimps. As the pull into the driveway, they see the milkman, dead on the stoop. *** New techniques were also developed for handling fractures. Early in the war much of the fighting had taken place on the Franco-German border near the Val d'Ajol in the Vosges mountains. There, the local _rebouteurs_, or "quacks", were expert in treating the effects of falls and taught the surgeons the value of alcohol as a means of inducing stupor and relaxation so as to make manipulation easier. They had also solved the problems of poisoning associated with the use of nicotine in surgery on the abdominal area. The patient was given oils of nicotine which were supposed to relax and anaesthetise the abdomen so as to make hip and pelvic setting possible. The poisonous nicotine often killed the patient. The _rebouteurs_ inserted a cigar into the patient's rectum to the same effect and without risk of intoxication. -- James Burke, from The Day the Universe Changed *** A Guy was walking down the street with his dog. He kicks a bottle and a genie pops out. "I grant you one wish" said the Genie. Ok said the guy, make my dog win the Westminster Kennel Club best in show. "come on" said the genie "be fair. That dogs blind, he's only got 3 legs, half an ear is missing and he's full of fleas" even I can't turn him into a champion dog, have another wish. "ok" said the guy. "Make Seattle win the NBA Championship" so the genie say's "Let's have another look at that dog"!!! *** A physicist, an engineer, and a computer scientist were discussing the nature of God. Surely a Physicist, said the physicist, because early in the Creation, God made Light; and you know, Maxwell's equations, the dual nature of electro-magnetic waves, the relativistic consequences... An Engineer!, said the engineer, because before making Light, God split the Chaos into Land and Water; it takes a hell of an engineer to handle that big amount of mud, and orderly separation of solids from liquids... The computer scientist shouted: And the Chaos, where do you think it was coming from, hmm? *** The Pepper and Salt Association wants to turn the English language outside in, wants phrases changed kaboodle and kit. People should listen to roll 'n' rock, eat butter and bread, and travel fro and to. Why? Because what this country needs is a sense of wrong and right, fair play and justice, order and law. There are cons and pros, but true believers will consider it a matter of death and life, a swim or sink proposition. -- Pepper and Salt Association, Alabama, Birmingham *** Personal computers are notorious for having a half-life of about two years. In scientific terms, this means that two years after you buy the computer, half of your friends will sneer at you for having an outdated machine. In households with children the half-life is closer to six months. -- Peter H. Lewis in a column in the New York Times, 11/21/95 *** The animal performers [two dogs and a cat in the movie Homeward Bound II] aren't the best we've seen lately, either. They're not as polished as Amy the talking gorilla in Congo, but better than Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls. -- Colin Covert, (Minneapolis) Star Tribune, March 8, 1996 *** It's a great place to grow up [Los Angeles] as a creator because there's no intellectual hierarchy. I remember going to a party in New York about 35 years ago. They all called me Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon. I said, "You, ma'am, your name and phone number? And you, sir, your phone number? And you, sir?" And they said, "Why are you taking our phone numbers?" I said, "Because the night we land on the moon, you're going to get called." I was in London when we did. I called three of them, and when they answered I said, "Stupid son of a bitch," and hung up. -- Ray Bradbury, quoted in Newsweek, November 13th 1995, p. 89. *** The humanitarian, like the missionary, is often an irreducible enemy of the people he thinks to befriend, because he has not imagination enough to sympathise with their proper needs nor humility enough to respect them as if they were his own. Arrogance, fanaticism, meddlesomeness, and imperialism may then masquerade as philanthropy. -- George Santayana *** I've dealt with numbers all my life, of course, and after a while you begin to feel that each number has a personality of its own. A twelve is very different from a thirteen, for instance. Twelve is upright, conscientious, intelligent, whereas thirteen is a loner, a shady character who won't think twice about breaking the law to get what he wants. Eleven is tough, an outdoorsman who likes tramping through the woods and scaling mountains; ten is rather simpleminded, a blank figure who always does what he's told; nine is deep and mystical, a Buddha of contemplation... Numbers have souls, and you can't help but get involved with them in a personal way. -- Paul Auster, The Music of Chance, 1990 *** GOVERNMENT CONTRACTING DICTIONARY CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven. PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union. CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control. OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun. STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken. DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets. COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin. LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible. AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded. LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies. *** _Making the Alphabet Dance_ Recreational Wordplay by Ross Eckler A book of alphabetical challenges and other crazy stuff. For example, tell me the trick to: _Washington Crossing the Delaware_ A hard, howling, tossing water scene: Strong tide was washing hero clean. "How cold!" Weather stings as in anger. O silent night shows war ace danger! The cold waters swashing on in rage. Redcoats warn slow his hint engage When general's star action wish'd "Go!" He saw his ragged continentals row. Ah, he stands -- sailor crew went going, And so this general watches rowing. He hastens -- Winter again grows cold; A wet crew gain Hessian stronghold. George can't lose war with 's hands in; He's astern -- so, go alight, crew, and win! *** Wit: howl on, gibe: rate the semen With Ow! long I berate these men. Of thy men "waste." Stedfast -- be low! Oft hymen was tested fast below. Be foul, meen, ever. No moralist and Befoul me never. No; moral I stand, Ho! nor able to go do good. Honorable to God. O, good. *** The "Netscape minute" is actually currently undergoing patent litigation. As the first new unit of time to be proposed this century it has been greeted by scepticism by some, but many feel it has already gained popular acceptance. It is not so much the undefined nature of this minute to which people object, but they feel it will open the door to the mythical man hour and the Bill Gates work week. -- Derek DeVries *** IT MAY ALREADY BE TOO LATE !!!!!!!!! There is a new virus on the 'net. Called "The End Times Virus" this nasty program is SPREAD VIA E-MAIL. It's the latest of a new strain of viruses called "Prions" which were developed by the NSA for International Internet Security. Prions aren't even computer viruses in the traditional sense, rather they are a new kind of self-extracting, self executing BinHex algorithm which can bypass ALL KNOWN forms of computer security. There is NO DEFENSE. What does "The End Times Virus" do? The End Times Virus is spread via E-Mail. Every time you send mail to someone through the 'net, it runs the risk of picking up a portion of "The End Times Virus" code. When all parts of the virus are stored in a given system, the program will SELF COMPILE and SELF EXECUTE. "The End Times Virus" will then begin an Infinitely Regressive Binary Loop, which will INCREASE the clock speed of your CPU. The NET result of this increase in clock speed will be an increase in the percieved passage of time. How can I tell if "The End Times Virus" has infected my system? The FIRST clue will be when a task that used to take "X" amount of time seems to take longer. Things that HAVEN'T HAPPENED YET will then BEGIN TO OCCUR. Eventually, the FUTURE will gradually MERGE WITH THE PRESENT, and then RAPIDLY RECEDE into the PAST. Your computer system will BECOME OBSOLETE at a much faster rate. Your CAR will DEPRECIATE in value. Events, such as birthdays, weddings, vacations, etc. which seemed to be FAR IN THE FUTURE will, before you know it, BE OVER. You will AGE RAPIDLY, sometimes as much as 365 1/3 DAYS per YEAR!! Your CHILDREN are NOT IMMUNE! They, too, will age rapidly, sometimes even MORE RAPIDLY than you. Eventually THE FUTURE, as you know it, WILL CEASE TO HAVE MEANING for you. It will become ONE with THE PAST, and, eventually, will RUN OUT ALL TOGETHER. What can I, as a concerned, thinking individual do about this threat to our modern way of life? There are a few steps you can take. 1) Format your hard disk, WITHOUT backing it up. Scientists have found that this is THE ONLY WAY to eliminate this threat from infected systems. 2) GET RID OF YOUR CAR! Contact the e-mail address at the bottom of this message, and highly trained technicians will come and REMOVE your car FREE OF CHARGE for proper disposal. 3) LIVE FOR THE MOMENT!! It may be ALL you have LEFT. NOBODY is going to have fun FOR you anymore. 4) SPREAD THE WORD! let EVERYONE you know hear about this threat, Call them, write to them, forward this message to them. GET THE WORD OUT!! *** There was a young man named Hall, Who fell in a spring in the fall. 'Twould have been a sad thing if he died in the spring, But he didn't--he died in the fall. *** 92. Thus science marches on blindly, without regard to the real welfare of the human race or to any other standard, obedient only to the psychological needs of the scientists and of the government officials and corporation executives who provide the funds for research. -- from the Unabomber Manifesto, a protest against technology by an unknown serial bomber. *** Excerpts from "A Little Learning is a Dangerous Thing," a treasury of humorous quotes about education, academia, etc. compiled by James Charlton: "[An intellectual] is someone who can listen to the 'William Tell Overture' without thinking of the Lone Ranger." John Chesson "So they told me how Mr. Gladstone read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right." Winston Churchill "Nobody can say a word against Greek; it stamps a man at once as an educated gentleman." George Bernard Shaw "A gentleman need not know Latin, but he should at least have forgotten it." Brander Matthews "If the Romans had been obliged to learn Latin, they would never have found time to conquer the world." Heinrich Heine "One attraction of Latin is that you can immerse yourself in the poems of Horace and Catullus without fretting over how to say, "Have a nice day.'" Peter Brodie "I had not the advantage of a classical education, and no man should, in my judgment, accept a degree he cannot read." Millard Fillmore, upon declining a degree from Oxford University "A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down." Robert Benchley "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." Mark Twain "There is a story of an applicant for admission to a famous graduate school, who, when asked by the Dean of Admissions whether he had graduated in the upper half of his college class, replied with great pride: 'Sir, I belong to that section of the class which makes the upper half of the class possible.'" Julius Cohen "A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep." W.H. Auden "The way to do research is to attack the fact at the point of greatest astonishment." Celia Green "What is research but a blind date with knowledge." Will Henry "That is the worst of erudition - that the next scholar sucks the few drops of honey that you have accumulated, sets right your blunders, and you are superseded." A.C. Benson "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." Albert Einstein "I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally." Calvin Trillin "The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions Is by their actions." Ogden Nash "What a waste it is to lose one's mind - or not to have a mind. How true that is." Dan Quayle "Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their willingness to doubt." H.L. Mencken "Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it." Henry Ford "I think I think; therefore, I think I am." Ambrose Pierce. "I teach only the truth - but that shouldn't make you believe it." Martin Fischer "Some men are graduated from college *cum laude*, some are graduated *summa cum laude*, and some are graduated *mirabile dictu*." William Howard Taft *** Shakespeare's King Lear was an early guide. It posed very basic questions about the nature of man. What is man when divested of pomp and circumstance, pride, social role and prestige, clothes, lands and even sanity? Does an individual have anything special or unique, anything which makes his separation from others explicable? -- from the Introduction to "Zen in the Art of Helping" by David Brandon, Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1976. *** ... we are getting perilously near the ideal of the modern Utopian when life is to consist of sitting in armchairs and pressing a button. It is not a desirable prospect; we shall have no wants, no money, no ambition, no youth, no desires, no individuality, no names and nothing wise about us. -- The Electrician, 1891 *** Among the windings of the violins And the ariettes Of cracked cornets Inside my brain a dull tom-tom begins Absurdedly hammering a prelude of its own, Capricious monotone That is at least one definite 'false note'. -- T.S. Eliot, "Portrait of a Lady" *** 36 WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE'S STUPID A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most. *** And how many people are there in the world, really? ... The 1992 revision of the "UN World Population Prospects" says 5,295,300,000. The Comparative International Statistics section of the 1991 "Statistical Abstract of the United States" says 5,318,013,000. And "Information Please" says 5,321,000,000. A whole country's worth of people-- 25.7 million-- is missing in the differences. In effect we can't find Canada. Like we care. -- P.J. O'Rourke, "All the Trouble in the World" *** ...The wordsmiths who serve our imagination are always devoted to communication. Clarity is always their method. Universality is their aim. The wordsmiths who serve established power, on the other hand, are always devoted to obscurity. They castrate the public imagination by subjecting language to a complexity which renders it private. Elitism is always their aim. The undoubted sign of a society well under control or in decline is that language has ceased to be a means of communication and has become instead a shield for those who master it. -- from John Ralston Saul's _Voltaire's Bastards: The Dictatorship of Reason in the West_ *** Once many years ago, when I haven't yet mastered the heartless saying: "No, I don't have the time" (and make it sound convincing, because your time is worth something, because _you_ are worth something), I thought it was my destiny in life: to be a victim to badgers. I was under the impression that the fact that they chose me (Ho! Ho! me, who cannot be replaced!) doesn't give me the moral right to dodge the job. And that is how I let the world insert a great siphon in my head, and fill it with its nitpick troubles. I suspect that I even arranged myself in a way to make it more comfortable for it. The rule is really true that says that a free person should check closely how a certain affliction is of service. Later I matured, and apart from the above wise rule, I learned how convenient is evilness. It is evil to refuse people your soul whenever they feel they'd like to harass you - but it sure frees a lot of time! This blessed evilness comes with age. Every step up in the self-image scale, is a shedding off of another brick of masochistic burden from your back. Recommended, Ladies and Gentlemen, recommended. -- Oddetta I. Danin in 'Way Out' (p. 67, 1990, ISBN-965-07-0118-4) translated from the Hebrew original by Ron Barak *** Tornadoes are hypergrowth. All of a sudden, you go from `We're not doing it,' to, `We all do it at once.' What it does is it creates phenomenal market demand that wildly outstrips supply. That sucking sound you hear is every company in the marketplace. And the one that wins early on we call the gorilla. As it turns out, the tornado will always have a gorilla. In fact it must have a gorilla, because the gorilla becomes the basis for de facto standards. Technological deployment can't happen without standards. -- Geoffrey Moore, author of "Inside the Tornado," uses unusual imagery to describe his theory of high-tech markets (Investor's Business Daily 31 Oct 95 A8) *** I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins. -- Shel Silverstein *** Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate is Better than Sex 1.You can GET chocolate. 2."If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3.Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4.You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5.You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6.You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7.If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 8.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9.The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10.You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates. 11.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12.You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. 13.With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14.Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15.You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 16.Good chocolate is easy to find. 17.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18.You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19.When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20.With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good. *** Natural High: falling in love Natural low: falling off a cliff High: having your 2:00 class cancelled on a beautiful day Low: having your 2:00 class cancelled because it's the Apocalypse. High: watching a child do something for the first time. Low: watching a child flick you off for the first time. H: A great idea. L: a great idea that someone stole from you. H: a hot shower on a cold morning. L: a hot shower if you're a lobster. H: a hug. L: a sharp stick in the eye. H: a special glance. L: a special glance at your genitals. H: tailgating on a warm Sun. afternoon. L: getting pulled over for tailgating. H: clean sheets. L: puking in your clean sheets. H: Hershey Kisses L: Hershey squirts H: walking your dog. L: walking your dead dog. H: petting a cat and listening to it purr. L: petting a cat and... (oh, never mind that's too gross). H: finishing your laundery. L: finishing having your laundery for dinner. H: falling asleep in the sun on a cool spring day. L: falling asleep in the sun in Downtown Detroit. H: taking a drive down a pretty road. L: being dragged behind a car down a pretty road. H: hugging a big teddy bear. L: hugging a big, sweaty sumo wrestler. H: playing miniature golf. L: playing miniature pool. H: catching your favorite TV show. L: realizing you've wasted your time watching your favorite TV show. H: sleeping for more than 8 hours. L: sleeping for more than 10 years and growing a long beard and really long nails and having everyone call you "Rip". H: laughing so hard your face hurts. L: laughing so hard your face contorts and is never the same again. H: orange juice when you're really thirsty. L: orange juice when you just brushed your teeth. H: listening to classical music. L: listening to "Polka, Polka, Polka". H: walking out of your last final. L: being carried out of your last final, catatonic. H: finding out a sweater you like is half price. L: finding out a sweater you like is ugly. H: Birthday cakes. L: Cow pies. H: being a senior. L: being a senior citizen. H: a walk in the rain. L: a walk in the acid rain. H: holding someone you love in front of a fireplace. L: throwing someone you love into a fireplace. H: catching snowflakes on your tongue. L: catching a frozen metal pole on your tongue. H: seeing a shooting star. L: seeing a shooting. H: Baked Alaska. L: Baked Nebraska. H: grandma's "better than sex" cheesecake. L: realizing that you don't have a very good sex life. H: raw sienna, burnt umber and periwinkle. L: raw flesh, burnt toast, and Perry Como. *** FROM: Dan Galvin There is an Indian belief that everyone is a house of four rooms: a physical, a mental, an emotional and a spiritual room. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room every day, even if only to keep it aired, we are not complete. -Rumer Godden _House of Four rooms_ (Morrow) .....................Daniel L. Galvin .....................Phone: 845-8448 .....................Space Research (OET) Room 217 .....................dan-galvin@tamu.edu *** And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?" "It came without ribbons! It came without tags!" "It came without packages, boxes or bags!" And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store." "Maybe Christmas ... perhaps ... means a little bit more!" Dr. Seuss "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" http://www.webb.com/grinch/story1.html *** A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal--Panama! [unknown] Tell a big oyster german tale, eh? snob! big non-exec in boston still imitative red nude roman eniac, madam, oh well...I've stated a cost after Raj Jarret, fatso cadet at Seville, whom adam cain enamored under evita, I'm... I'll..it's not *sob* Nice Xenon! Gibbons heel at Nam, regrets yogi ballet. [J. Futrelle, A. Cain] *** *********************** * HOW TO TAKE NOTES * *********************** WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS: YOU WRITE: "Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have John Milton--born 1608 excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest single poem ever written." "When Lafayette first came to this country, he discovered America. The Americans needed his Lafayette discovered America help if their cause was to survive, and this he promptly supplied them." "Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now face doubt the complete advantageousness the United States are directly of some of Roosevelt's policies" traceable to the bungling and greed of President Roosevelt. "...it is possible that we do Professor Mitchell is a communist not understand the Russian viewpoint..." "The puissance of hydrochloric acid is incontestable; however, Hydrochloric acid eats the hell the corrosive residue is out of steel inharmonious with metallic persistance." *** A Parable for Our Times Well I am going to tell a story today. It is a story told by a man named Tony Compolo. Tony is a Christian, a sociologist, a college professor and a gifted speaker, so he gets asked to go and give presentations all over the place. One time he was called from his east coast home to go to Honolulu. Now if you have ever flown from the East coast to Honolulu you know what happens to your time clock. He was in the hotel the first night and he woke up, wide awake, a little bit before 3 in the morning. His body said "It is 9 o'clock, time for breakfast," so he got dressed and went downstairs. Nothing was open so he went outside from the hotel and wandered around a bit until he found a place, a diner, a real greasy spoon -- one of those places where you are afraid to open the menu because you're not sure what might crawl out? And there he was in that place, no one else was there. He ordered a cup of coffee, and then, in a weak moment, he also ordered a donut. And then this rather obese, unkempt, unshaven man -- named Harry -- that was working behind the counter came out, wiped his hands on his dirty apron, reached into the jar and gave Tony a donut. Tony wished Harry had given it to him in a different way, and yet there he was. So he was sitting back, musing to himself and drinking his coffee and eating his donut when the door suddenly burst open and 8 or 9 rather boisterous prostitutes came in. Now Tony was even more uncomfortable. They sat down at the counter next to him, because there wasn't any other place, and he drank his coffee, tried to look inconspicuous, and listened to the conversation. And one of the women said, "Tomorrow is my birthday, I'll be 39." And her friend said, "So what do you want from me? I suppose you want a party or something, maybe you want me to bake you a cake?" And this woman, whom he later found was named Agnes, said, "Why are you so mean? I don't want anything from you. Why would I want anything from you? I've never had a birthday party, and no one has ever baked me a cake, and why would I want anything from you? Be quiet." Right then Tony got an inspiration. Soon the ladies left and he said to Harry, behind the counter, "Say do they come in here every night?" and he said, "Yes they do." And he said, "This one next to me?" and Harry said, "You mean Agnes?" and Tony said, "Yes, that's the one, does she come in every night?" And Harry said, "Same time just like clock work every night she is here." So Tony said, "What about if we throw a party for her, a birthday party? Tomorrow's her birthday." Harry began to smile a little bit and called to his wife who was back in the kitchen cooking, and said, "Hey, this crazy guy out here wants to have a birthday party for Agnes." And they said what a wonderful idea! So the plans were made and everything was set for the party. The next night Tony came back to the same place, same time, and the place was decorated with crepe paper, and the sign on the wall said, "Happy Birthday Agnes." It was cleaned up and it looked like a different place. They sat down and waited and pretty soon people began to trickle in. The word had gotten out on the street, prostitutes from all over Honolulu were filling up the place. The place was full and at about the appointed time Agnes and her friends came bursting through the door and they said "Happy Birthday, Agnes." Her knees buckled a bit, her friends caught her and she was stunned, speechless, touched. They led her over to the counter and she sat down. They said to her again "Happy Birthday," and Harry brought the cake out and her mouth fell open and her eyes began to fill with tears. They put the cake down in front of her, they sang happy birthday to her and Harry said, "Blow the candles out so we can have some." Agnes just stared at that cake. Finally they convinced her to blow the candles out and Harry handed her a knife and told her to cut the>cake. She looked at it and said, "Do I have to? let me wait a minute." And Agnes looked at that cake, so lovingly, like it was the most precious thing she had ever seen, a sacrament of love for her, and she said, "Do I have to cut it?" And Harry said, "Well, no, I suppose you don't have to cut it." And then she said something even more strange. She said, "I would like to keep it for awhile - I don't live far from here. Can I take it home? I'll be right back." They looked at her with a puzzled look on their faces and said, "Sure, you can take it." She picked the cake up and Tony said she carried it like she was carrying the Holy Grail in a sacred Cathedral and she walked out the door. There was silence, stunned silence, and Tony said he did something on the spur of the moment that he wondered about. He stood up and said, "What do you say that we pray?" Now what an improbable picture this is. A Christian sociologist surrounded by every prostitute in Honolulu in a greasy spoon diner and he says, let us pray. But he did. A simple prayer. He prayed for Agnes that somehow she would meet Jesus, that somehow she would find salvation and that God would be good to her, especially on her birthday. He said Amen and the party resumed. Harry said to him, "Hey, I didn't know you were a preacher." And Tony answered, "I'm not a preacher, I'm a sociologist." And Harry said, "Well what kind of a church do you come from anyway?" Tony, inspired by God's spirit, said, "I guess I come from a church that throws birthday parties for prostitutes at 3 o'clock in the morning." And Harry said, "No you don't, there's no such church like that, cause if there was," he said, "I would join it." -This story is retyped from the Episcopal Voice, November 1994, the newspaper of the Diocese of Olympia, in Western Washington. It was included in the homily given by the Reverend Don Mackay, Rector of St. John's, Kirkland, at our recent Diocesan Convention. Submitted by Lynn Adam member of St. Paul's Seattle, ladams@fhcrc.org, via Elliott Mitchell *** HOW TO BE ANNOYING ================== =Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". =Drum on every available surface. =Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape. =Staple papers in the middle of the page. =Ask 800 operators for dates. =Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. =Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. =Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". =Set alarms for random times. =Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip... =Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. =Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. =Honk and wave to strangers. =Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. =Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. =Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. =Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music". =ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. =Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. =Pay for your dinner with pennies. =Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. =Light road flares on a birthday cake. =Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. =Leave tips in Bolivian currency. =Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". =Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. =At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. =When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. =Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". =As much as possible, skip rather than walk. =Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. =Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. =Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. =Drive half a block. =Name your dog "Dog". =Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. =Ask people what gender they are. =Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. =Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes. =Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. =Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. =While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. =Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. =Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. =Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. =Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. =Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. =Ask to "interface" with someone. =Sing along at the opera. =Mow your lawn with scissors. =At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" =Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". =Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook... something about "psychological profiles". =Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." =Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture". *** The PC is not a particularly interesting device--it is pretty horrible from almost every vantage point. I guess they are cheap--you can buy them in parking lots across the country. But they don't represent a particularly great use of technology. Microsoft owns all the application categories, anyway, and they have no real interest in doing much innovation, so the whole PC space is just kind of boring. I mean, what's the big new thing now in PCs? I guess people are going to get Doom chips for Christmas, and we'll have a little animation. Big deal. -- Sun Microsystems co-founder Bill Joy, in The RED HERRING, Issue 24 discussing the ubiquitous, if overrated, PC-style computer (http://www.herring.com/mag/issue24/bill.html) *** A society that puts equality -- in the sense of equality of outcome -- ahead of freedom will end up with neither equality nor freedom. The use of force to achieve equality will destroy freedom, and the force, introduced for good purposes, will end up in the hands of people who use it to promote their own interests. -- Milton Friedman *** He dressed himself all in his best, and at last got out into the streets. The people were by this time pouring forth, as he had seen them with the Ghost of Christmas Present; and walking with his hands behind him, Scrooge regarded every one with a delighted smile. He looked so irresistibly pleasant, in a word, that three or four good-humoured fellows said,' Good morning, sir. A merry Christmas to you.' And Scrooge said often afterwards, that of all the blithe sounds he had ever heard, those were the blithest in his ears. -- Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol *** Excessive, idiosyncratic interpretation of petty acts is not only tiresome, but mean-spirited, in that it attributes ill will when none may have been intended. How much simpler it is merely to do ordinary things in ordinary ways, and save one's imagination and critical facilities for the complexities of life or the glories of art. -- Judith Martin ("Miss Manners") *** You Know You're Getting Older When: ----------------------------------- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. You get winded playing chess. Your children begin to look middle aged. You're still chasing women but can't remember why. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. You look forward to a dull evening. You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..." You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation. After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat. Dialing long distance wears you out. You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer. You just can't stand people who are intolerant. The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off. You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm. Your back goes out more often than you do. A fortune teller offers to read your face. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by. The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife. You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. *** There's no thrill in easy sailing when the skies are clear and blue, there's no joy in merely doing things which any one can do. But there is some satisfaction that is mighty sweet to take, when you reach a destination that you thought you'd never make. -- Spirella *** Newly Revised Guide to the Bases -------------------------------- Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends ("Yeah man, at the dance, Vinny and Amy went behind the gym and they got to second base!")? Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of traditional baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. Let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interest of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and standardizing the bases themselves, we present the Newly Revised Guide to the Bases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days. --First Base- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I know thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not. --Second Base- This meant either tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact. --Third Base- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner. --Home Run- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. And if it was, EVERYONE knew! Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex (a.k.a. the sloppy triple)? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado... --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Newly Revised Guide to the Bases --On Deck- Having plans for a date --Strike-Out- Duh!! --Walk- Kissing --Bunt- Masturbation --Single- Tongue kissing --Double- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels --Triple- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation --Inside the park home run- Oral Sex --Home Run- SEX!!! --Ground Rule Double- Would have sex, but no condom --Error- Condom breaks during sex --Banned for life for gambling- Sex without condom --Hall of Fame- Marriage Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days. --Balk- Premature ejaculation --Pine Tar- KY jelly --Relief pitcher- Vibrator --Rain Delay- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly --Box Seats- Waterbed --Seventh Inning Stretch- Unusual positions --Dead Ball- Blue balls / passion cramps --Florida Snow- Cocaine (I know you don't get it...tough.) --Rookie- Virgin --Minor Leagues- Under 18 --Loaded Bases- Manage a trois --Grand Slam- Sex three times in twelve hours --Foul tip- Venereal Disease --Three up and three down- impotency --"All you"- Make the first move --Batting Glove- Sexual aide Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with our current clarity. OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like past third base, but not to home plate. i really like her. NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time. NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief pitcher. *** Anybody can become angry - that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everyone's power and is not easy. -- Aristotle *** The Rules 1. The female always makes the rules. 2. The rules can change without notice. 3. Males cannot know the rules. 4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules. 5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong. 6. If the female *is* wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong. 7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The female can change her mind. 9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female. 10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules. 14. The male cannot diagnose PMS. *** Taken without permission from "Discovery of India" by Jawaharlal Nehru. Creation of women ----------------- Twashtri ( the divine artificer ) when came to the creation of women he found that he had exhausted his materials in the making of man and no solid elements were left. In this dilemma , after profound meditation he did as follows : He took the rotundity of the moon, and the curves of the creepers, and the clinging of tendrils, and the trembling of grass, and the slenderness of the reed, and the bloom of flower, and the lightness of leaves, and the tapering of the elephant's trunk, and the glances of deer, and the clustering of rows of bees, and the joyous gaiety of sunbeams, and the weeping of clouds, and the fickleness of the wind, and the timidity of the hare, and the vanity of the peacock, and the softness of the parrot's bosom, and the hardness of adamant, and the sweetness of honey, and the cruelty of tiger, and the warm glow of fire, and the coldness of snow, and the chattering of jays, and the cooing of "kokila", and the hypocrisy of the crans, and the fidelity of the "chakaravaka", and compounding all these togather , he made women and gave her to man. *** The state of journalism in the U.S. at the moment can be found somewhere between the Okefenokee Swamp and the Love Canal. It is a polluted stream of tabloid lunacy, without honor, and produced by culturally illiterate incompetents who need a spell-checker to get the word 'dog' correct. -- author Harlan Ellison, at the recent American Booksellers Convention *** cowboy thoughts (1) Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse. (2) Too much debt doubles the weight on your horse and puts another in control of the reins. (3) Go after life as if it's something that's got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away. (4) Workin' behind a plow, all you see is a mule's hind end. Workin' from the back of a horse you can see across the country as far as your eye is good. (5) The only way to drive cattle fast is slowly. (6) The basics of roping are a sense of rhythm, good timing, and an eye for distance. You might also wanta keep this in mind when you're two-steppin' around the dance floor. (7) A person who agrees with all your palaver is either a fool or he's gettin' ready to skin ya. (8) A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle. (9) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. (10) Never miss a good chance to shut up. (11) Nobody ever drowned himself in his own sweat. (12) No tree is too big for a short dog to lift his leg on. (13) You don't need decorated words to make your meanin' clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin'. (14) Honesty is not somethin' you should flirt with--you should be married to it. (15) Wet dogs are never welcome. (16) When you're pickin' a workin' horse, look for one named Screwtail, Stump Sucker, Pat's Ass, Pearly Gates, Liver Pill, or Darlin' Jill. Leave the Champions and Silvers for the show ring. (17) Never take another man's bet. He wouldn't offer it if he didn't know somethin' you don't. (18) Never joke with mules or cooks as they have no sense of humor. (19) It's best to keep your troubles pretty much to yourself, 'cause half the people you'd tell 'em to won't give a damn, and the other half will be glad to hear you've got 'em. (20) The length of a conversation don't tell nothin' about the size of the intellect. *** The reason a lot of people do not recognize opportunity is because it usually goes around wearing overalls and looking too much like hard work. -- Thomas Edison *** In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy nd peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock. -- Orson Welles *** "Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an over- dose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center." -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. Source Comment: The contest is actually for the 'best' first sentence of a novel. It comes from the writings of Lord Bulwer-Lytton who wrote the classic line, 'It was a dark and stormy night;' so beloved of Snoopy in the Peanuts comic strip. The actual first line from _Paul Clifford_ is as follows: It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents --except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. *** Gifts to Avoid this Holiday Season Washington Post -- Style Invitational Challenge for the week was to come up with a terribly inappropriate Christmas gift idea. 4th runner up: Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm 3rd runner up: A Pee Wee Herman pull toy 2nd runner up: The Duncan Yo -- Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties 1st runner up: 5,200 pick up -- a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger versionof their favorite game Winner: The "Learn about puberty chia pet" Honorable mentions: Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches. The laff-o-minit jajic spellin' tootor Doggie dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch. Cuisin-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool. Water retention Wanda -- Teaches kids the principles of the calendar. Advanced play medical kit -- includes colonoscope and speculum. Chocolate covered lead soldiers Bungeroo -- kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms Islamic strip poker -- lose a hand, lose a hand. *** The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the world put together. -- Sir Peter Medawar *** Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "Press On" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race. -- Calvin Coolidge *** from the book "Raging Hormones (The Unofficial PMS Survival Guide)" by Martha Williamson and Robin Sheets "Ode to Mrs. Fields" There you are waiting for me In the mall Was it just last month we were here? Me, with my sixteen shopping bags You, with those expensive red tins brimming with fresh-baked satisfaction. I tried to walk by But you whispered aromatically in my ear "Sister! Let me love you Let me fill you As only women can love each other Wholly Completely With Oatmeal Raisin And Macadamia Nuts And chunks And chunks Of Chocolate." Debbie, You are Forever In my heart On my lips And on my thighs I'll see you again Next month. -- Mary B. 1988 *** The Shotgun Rules version 1.1 The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun (the passenger seat) in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding. Section I The Basic Rules 1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" in a clear voice. This call must be heard and acknowledged by the driver. The other occupants of the vehicle need not hear the call as long as the driver verifies the call. 2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle. 3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediantly forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey. 4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun priviledges from one or more persons. Section II Special Cases These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precendence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable. 1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun. 2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline. 3. In the instance the the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless they decline. 4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window. 5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group they automatically get Shotgun, unless they decline. 6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as they make a three hour trip with him crammed in the back. Section III *The Survival of the Fitess Rules * 1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Survival of the Fitess Rules on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case all rules, excepting I-4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force. 2. The driver must announce the institution of the Survival of the Fitess Rules with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle. Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or execptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule I-4. *** Not only is there more stupidity than anything else in terms of universal quantity, but there is a wonderful quality to this stupidity. It is so intensely perfect that it completely overwhelms whatever it is that nature has piled up on the other pan of the scale. Stupidity is replicating itself at an astonishing rate. It breeds easily and is self-financing. The person who stands up and says, "This is stupid," either is asked to 'behave' or, worse, is greeted with a cheerful "Yes, we know! Isn't it terrific! -- Frank Zappa "All About Schmucks" in The Real Frank Zappa Book, Poseidon Press 1988 *** I have watched insanity. I have seen it happen. I have studied it thoroughly. It is my friend - my only company in the dark. -- Sir John Edward Thompson (1404-1438, executed for the word of God). Some of his last words before being executed on October 4, 1438 after seven years in prison, of which the last two was in complete darkness. When he died he had spent the last fifth of his life without ever seeing the light of day. *** DO RE MI DRINK DOH... the stuff that buys me beer RAY..... the guy that sells me beer ME...... the guy who drinks the beer FAR..... a long run to get beer SO...... I'll have another beer LA...... I'll have another beer TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer That will bring us back to DOH *** Did you hear about the.... Paper company that folded? Brake company on the skids? Black Rock group - now defunked? Industrial Cleaners that are washed out? Balloon company - a victim of inflation? Consultative sewer design consortium - fell foul of the Brain Drain? Loudspeaker manufacturer told to shut up shop? Ice-Cream makers who went into liquidation? Steam Haulage concern that went off the rails? Contractor for Bridges which collapsed? Sugar company that became insolvent? Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary? Funeral directors who got boxed in? Clock manufacturers that were wound up? Cigarette company that went up in smoke? Invisible menders who hit a bad patch? Immersion heater company that got into hot water? Glue company that came unstuck? Bra manufacturers that went bust? Brick company that went to the wall? Gliding club that couldn't get off the ground? Baker who was short of dough? Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen? Radio manufacturers that had to appoint a Receiver? Corset firm that felt the squeeze? Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs? Carpet fitters hit by tax? Manufacturer of Army surplus equipment? Manufacturer of paint thinners that went insolvent? Motor racing team that was taken over? Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation? Shoe-makers who felt the pinch? Tent suppliers that pegged out? Paint manufacturer that went into the red? Moped manufacturer that went kaput? Theme Park that lacked funding? Compass manufacturers that lost their way? Religious group that had to have a rites issue? Pool equipment suppliers that took a dive? Bowling pin manufacturer hit by strikes? Chalk supplier that was blacklisted? Disposable nappy manufacturer that ended up in the .... Racing stables that lacked backers? Cooking oil formula that was a flash in the pan? Apple pie company that did not achieve enough turnover? Hard disk manufacturer that crashed? Brewery that was ailing? Kennels that went to the dogs? Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court? Army caterers that was in a mess? Billiard ball manufacturer that was snookered? (It's creditors had to form a cue) Downfall of the bungee suppliers? Transporter company that failed to materialise? Post Office equipment supplier employee that was sacked? Electronic component manufacturer that was downsized? Food preservation company that got out of a jam, but found itself in a pickle? *** What I learned in college ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. ON YOUTH "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90 ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic! ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it? ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. ON LAMENTATION Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse. ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. *** ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover; Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation -- think of Psyche! Is a paling stout and spikey? Won't it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It's a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough -- Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!!! -- George Benard Shaw *** There was a young fellow named Dick, Who perfected a wonderful trick. He'd get an erection, And scorn all protection, Then balance himself on his prick. 'Twas a fearful and wonderful sight, And the ladies all shrieked with delight. But the men were less zealous, For it made them all jealous, And they said Dick had no copyright. Then each of them tried it and failed, While their wives looked on helpless and wailed For each one would teeter, And fall on his peter, Or manage to get all derailed. So Dick was the toast of the town, There was nothing too good for that clown, And the wives all came flocking, To the acrobat's cocking, While the husbands deplored his renown. And then came the best part of all, That number would bring down the hall. For his tour-de-force trick Was to straddle his prick, And wheel out of sight on one ball. The ladies all ran to tease Dick, That the Frenchman had bettered his trick. So he straddled and struggled, And one ball he juggled, But he knocked out his prop with a kick. Now the tragedy didn't end there, For as Richard whirled down through the air, His prick became tied, In a knot that defied, All attempts to untangle its snare. Most men would have died of remorse, But Dick found another resource. For pretzels he'd pose, With a twisted-up hose, And he made a nice income, of course. *** ... many of the great ideas are not precipitated by the customer. While the customer knows what he wants, he doesn't always know what's possible. And that first dawned on me in my earliest days in business. When I was new at IBM, working in sales and taking a management training program in Sleepy Hollow, New York, I came back to my room grumbling about the lack of speed and reliability of the tape drives, and wondered why the engineers couldn't do something about it. My roommate stared at me with a look of total exasperation. "Boy, you guys in sales are all the same," he said. "You remind me of the farmer in 1850. If you asked him what he wanted, he would say he wanted a horse that was half as big and ate half as many oats and was twice as strong. And there would be no discussion of a tractor. -- David Kearns, former CEO of Xerox *** METRIC SYSTEM DEFINITIONS ========================= 10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 500 millinaries = 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 1 unit of suspense in a mystery novel = 1 whod unit 10**12 pins = 1 terrapin 10**-12 Boulevard = 1 Pico Boulevard (L.A.) 10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations = 1 C-ration 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost 10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickles = 2 paradigms 2 snake eyes = 1 paradise 2 wharves = 1 paradox *** From BAISLEY@fndcd.fnal.gov Thu Apr 18 11:43:05 1996 To: adam at xent dot com Cc: Baisley@fndcd.fnal.gov Subject: RE: I Find Karma > From: adam at xent dot com (I Find Karma) I take it you appreciate the blessings of the Muse of Permutation, Anna Graham. 'fraid 'a mink I fard a mink a farmin' kid I kinda farm a kinda firm I'd aim, Frank am arid fink I'm a kid -- Narf! am irk'd naif I'm fakin' a Dr. amid arf kin I'm kinda far fair, kind Ma Mafia drink find Mr. Akai makin' 'fraid FM -- aria kind Maria fink'd Fr. kid mania rakin' if mad adam at xent dot com detach sauced clam muscled data cache And a few other favorites: Ross Perot Sore sport H. Ross Perot Short poser Thurgood Marshall Roughshod mallrat Microsoft Incorporated Accordionist to perform Isn't that special? Pathless Titanic Southwestern Bell Nutshell bestower Cookie Monster Onetime crooks Electric motors Celtic restroom I don't feel well Well-done filet Certified Netware Engineer Inertia interference wedge Rockwell International National towel crinkler Well-knit Rotarian clone Anal Twinkie controller Fermi National Accelerator Lab Californian tamale celebrator Cheers, Wayne E. Baisley (always eyin' bee) (see alien byway) (ye bayin' weasel) *** Now the Penis Song... Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis. Isn't it simply grand to have a dong. It's swell to have a stiffy, it's divine to own a dick, From the tiniest little tadger to the world's biggest prick... So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas, Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake. Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend, Your Percy or your cock, You can wrap it up in ribbons, you can slip it in your sock, But don't take it out in public or they'll stick you in the dock, And you won't a-come a-back. *** Dogbert: Logically, all things are created by a combination of simpler, less capable components. Therefore, a supreme being must be our _future_, not our origin! What if "God" is the consciousness that will be created when enough of us are connected by the Internet!! Dilbert: That would certainly limit the types of files I download. I wonder what it would do to response times. Dogbert: It's nice to spend time alone with my thoughts. Dilbert: My Web browser would _fly_! -- Scott Adams *** _Making the Alphabet Dance_ Recreational Wordplay by Ross Eckler A book of alphabetical challenges and other crazy stuff. For example, tell me the trick to: _Washington Crossing the Delaware_ A hard, howling, tossing water scene: Strong tide was washing hero clean. "How cold!" Weather stings as in anger. O silent night shows war ace danger! The cold waters swashing on in rage. Redcoats warn slow his hint engage When general's star action wish'd "Go!" He saw his ragged continentals row. Ah, he stands -- sailor crew went going, And so this general watches rowing. He hastens -- Winter again grows cold; A wet crew gain Hessian stronghold. George can't lose war with 's hands in; He's astern -- so, go alight, crew, and win! Or note the challenge of: _The Cynic's Soliloquy_ Wit: howl on, gibe: rate the semen Of thy men "waste." Stedfast -- be low! Be foul, meen, ever. No moralist and Ho! nor able to go do good. _Her Reply_ With Ow! long I berate these men. Oft hymen was tested fast below. Befoul me never. No; moral I stand, Honorable to God. O, good. *** A woman was in the kitchen preparing dinner when her husband came in and said, "Honey, what are you making?" "Well," she said. "I'm trying something different. Don't tell the kids, but it's venison". The husband thinks it's a good idea and so the whole family is at the dinner table eating when the older daughter says to her father. "Daddy, what is this, it tastes kinda different". The father smiles and says, "Well, your Mom is trying out a new dish. I won't tell you what it is, but I'll give you a hint. It's something your mother always calls me. The little girl quickly turns to her younger brother and says, "Spit it out, Joey. It's asshole....." *** The fact that stares one in the face is that people of the greatest sincerity and of all levels of intelligence differ and have always differed in their religious beliefs. Since at most one faith can be true, it follows that human beings are extremely liable to believe firmly and honestly in something untrue in the field of revealed religion. One would have expected this obvious fact to lead to some humility, to some thought that however deep one's faith, one may conceivably be mistaken. Nothing is further from the believer, any believer, than this elementary humility. All in his power...must have his faith rammed down their throats. In many cases children are indeed indoctrinated with the disgraceful thought that they belong to the one group with superior knowledge who alone have a private wire to the office of the Almighty, all others being less fortunate than they themselves. -- Hermann Bondi, cited by Paul Davies in _God & the New Physics_ *** From April, 1895, to June, 1898, the American seaman Captain Joshua Slocum was sailing alone round the world in his sloop "Spray". While he was in South Africa on the homeward leg he met Paul Kruger, the president of the Transvaal. It was mentioned by a friend that Slocum was on a voyage round the world and "Oom Paul" reminded him that the earth is flat: "You don't mean _round_ the world," he said, "it is impossible! You mean _in_ the world. Impossible! Impossible!" Kruger did not say another word to them. -- taken from Captain Joshua Slocum, "Sailing Alone Around the World" *** There's a club, here in Silicon Valley, of people with great stage presence, people with interesting names, or interesting backgrounds, who make sense to investors and CEOs of big companies. They run software ventures. Usually they run them right into the ground! They're all white. They're all boys. They make huge money. They get in the way. They contribute nothing. They know how to manage large things. (Not!) They speak at industry conferences. They get quoted a lot. Press releases are written about them. They form alliances. They buy things they don't understand. They move into something that's hot, and make it cold. ... And they make shitloads of money doing this. -- Dave Winer, DaveNet, 12/22/95 *** On the way to the coast, however, they fought what must be one of the most curious battles of all time. They besieged a castle that was defended entirely by sheep. The local inhabitants had driven their flocks into the disused fortress known Hosn al' Akrad ('citadel of the Kurds'). When the Crusaders attacked, the peasants rather craftily released a few of the animals and the Christians--predictably--went chasing off in pursuit. This gave the locals a chance to slip away into the night, leaving their flocks behind them. When the Crusaders resumed the siege, they couldn't understand why no one was fighting back. They suspected it was yet another peasant ruse, whereas in fact it was the purely technical problem sheep have in mounting any sort of armed resistance. -- from _Crusades_, by Terry Jones and Alan Ereira, c. 1995 Fegg Features Ltd and Alan Ereira. *** Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. The Yankee's manager gave me a job as coach for as long as your on the team. Costello: Look Abbott, if your the coach, you must know all the players. Abbott: I certainly do. Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team. Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names? Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean... Costello: His brother Daffy Abbott: Daffy Dean... Costello: And their French cousin. Abbott: French? Costello: Goofe' Abbott: Goofe' Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third... Costello: That's what I want to find out. Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third. Costello: Are you the manager? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You gonna be the coach too? Abbott: Yes. Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names. Abbott: Well I should. Costello: Well then who's on first? Abbott: Yes. Costello: I mean the fellow's name. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy on first. Abbott: Who. Costello: The first baseman. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy playing... Abbott: Who is on first! Costello: I'm asking you who's on first. Abbott: That's the man's name. Costello: That's who's name? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: That's it. Costello: That's who? Abbott: Yes. PAUSE Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: Who's playing first? Abbott: That's right. Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Abbott: Every dollar of it. Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy that gets... Abbott: That's it. Costello: Who gets the money... Abbott: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Costello: Who's wife? Abbott: Yes. PAUSE Abbott: What's wrong with that? Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name? Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy. Abbott: Who. Costello: How does he sign... Abbott: That's how he signs it. Costello: Who? Abbott: Yes. PAUSE Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base. Abbott: No. What is on second base. Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: One base at a time! Abbott: Well, don't change the players around. Costello: I'm not changing nobody! Abbott: Take it easy, buddy. Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base? Abbott: That's right. Costello: Ok. Abbott: Alright. PAUSE Costello: What's the guy's name on first base? Abbott: No. What is on second. Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him. Costello: Now how did I get on third base? Abbott: Why you mentioned his name. Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third? Abbott: No. Who's playing first. Costello: What's on base? Abbott: What's on second. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: He's on third. Costello: There I go, back on third again! PAUSE Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it. Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know? Costello: Now who's playing third base? Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base? Costello: What am I putting on third. Abbott: No. What is on second. Costello: You don't want who on second? Abbott: Who is on first. Costello: I don't know. Together: Third base! PAUSE Costello: Look, you gotta outfield? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The left fielder's name? Abbott: Why. Costello: I just thought I'd ask you. Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya. Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field. Abbott: Who's playing first. Costello: I'm not...stay out of the infield!!! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field? Abbott: No, What is on second. Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second. Abbott: Who's on first! Costello: I don't know. Together: Third base! PAUSE Costello: The left fielder's name? Abbott: Why. Costello: Because! Abbott: Oh, he's center field. PAUSE Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The pitcher's name? Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: You don't want to tell me today? Abbott: I'm telling you now. Costello: Then go ahead. Abbott: Tomorrow! Costello: What time? Abbott: What time what? Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching? Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Costello: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!!! I want to know what's the pitcher's name? Abbott: What's on second. Costello: I don't know. Together: Third base! PAUSE Costello: Gotta a catcher? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: The catcher's name? Abbott: Today. Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching. Abbott: Now you've got it. Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team. PAUSE Costello: You know I'm a catcher too. Abbott: So they tell me. Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right. Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about! PAUSE Abbott: That's all you have to do. Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base. Abbott: Yes! Costello: Now who's got it? Abbott: Naturally. PAUSE Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Naturally? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. Abbott: No you don't you throw the ball to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That's different. Costello: That's what I said. Abbott: Your not saying it... Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally. Abbott: You throw it to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That's it. Costello: That's what I said! Abbott: You ask me. Costello: I throw the ball to who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Now you ask me. Abbott: You throw the ball to Who? Costello: Naturally. Abbott: That's it. Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn! Abbott: What? Costello: I said I don't give a darn! Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop. *** A mathematician, an accountant and an economist applied for the same job. The interviewer called in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four". The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?". The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes. Four exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four, but give or take ten percent, but on average, four." Finally the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" *** There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two. The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irratibly asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5." The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer. The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!" Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?" The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window. "Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into the scientist's hand. *** A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh... is this 832-4821?" *** Catholic theologian David Tracy teaches that human life is lived under three marks of "finitude, contingency, and transcience." Finitude: Every living thing dies. Contingency: Randomness, chance and accident are always waiting in the wings. Transcience: Everything passes. Yet, Tracy and other religious thinkers add: In the face of these three deadly threats, people affirm - in faith and hope and love. *** I just went to my high school reunion and I discovered that the unpopular, oddball kids blossomed into worthwhile adults. The prom queens and BMOCS are all fat, dull and miserable. Fortunately, life is cruel like that. -- Eve Golden, "Movieline" 3/96 *** 26 THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS ________________________________________________ 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. 7. The facts, although interesting are irrelevant. 8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. 9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world 10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. 11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. 13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. 15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. 16. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. 18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 19. One-seventh of you life is spent on Monday. 20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. 25. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. 26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing. *** An attorney was cross-examining a coroner. The attorney asks, "before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner says, "No." The lawyer then asks, "Did you listen for a heartbeat?" "No" says the coroner. "Did you check for breathing?" Again, the coroner says, "No." "So," the lawyer continues, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any of the usual steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the browbeating, says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know, he could have been out there practicing law somewhere." *** The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella. *** The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this). At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next. But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings. The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting. *** Kurt Cobain's Suicide Note, with interjections by Courtney Love I don't know what to say. I feel the same way you guys do. If you guys don't think... to sit in this room where he played guitar and sang, and feel so honored to be near him, you're crazy... Anyway, he left a note, it's more like a letter to the fucking editor. I don't know what happened. I mean it was gonna happen, but it could've happened when he was 40. He always said he was gonna outlive everybody and be a hundred and twenty. I'm not gonna read you all the note 'cause it's none of the rest of your fucking business. But some of it is to you. I don't really think it takes away his dignity to read this considering that it's addressed to most of you. He's such an asshole. I want you all to say 'asshole' really loud. "This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years since my first introduction to the shall we say, ethics involved with independence and embracement of your community, it's proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music, along with really writing something, for too many years now." "I feel guilty beyond words about these things -- for example, when we're backstage and the lights go out and the roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love and relish the love and adoration of the crowd." Well, Kurt, so fucking what -- then don't be a rock star you asshole. "Which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact that I can't fool you, any one of you, it simply isn't fair to you or to me. The worst crime I could think of would be to pull people off by faking it, pretending as if I'm having 100% fun" Well Kurt, the worst crime I can think of is for you to just continue being a rock star when you fucking hate it, just fucking stop. "Sometimes I feel as I should have a punch-in time-clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it, and I do, God believe me I do, but it's not enough. I appreciate the fact that I and we have effected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're alone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours I've had a much better appreciation of all the people I know personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get out the frustration to gather the empathy I have for everybody. There's good in all of us and I simply love people too much." So why didn't you just fucking stay? "So much that it makes me feel just too fucking sad. Sad little sensative unappreciative Pieces --" Jesus man oh shut up.. bastard Why didn't you just enjoy it? I don't know. Then he goes on to say personal things to me that are none of your damn business; personal things to Frances that are none of your damn business. "I had a good marriage, and for that I'm grateful. But since the age of seven, I've become hateful toward all humans in general only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy." Empathy? "Only because I love and feel for people too much I guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the last years. I'm pretty much of an erratic moody person and I don't have the passion anymore. Peace, Love, Empathy, Kurt Cobain." And there is some more personal things that is none of your damn business. And just remember: this is all bullshit... And I'm laying in our bed, and I'm really sorry. And I feel the same way you do. I'm really sorry you guys. I don't know what I could have done. I wish I'd been here. I wish I hadn't listened to other people, but I did. Every night I've been sleeping with his mother, and I wake up in the morning and think it's him because his body's sort of the same. I have to go now. -- Courtney Love *** Next time one of those pushy telemarketing people calls, try one of these responses: 10. I'm sorry, sir, but I'm completely filled with fruit and cheese. 9. OK, I'll take it on the condition that, right now, you bark like a dog for three minutes straight. 8. I can't make that kind of decision now; I'm on my deathbed. (cough, cough) 7. When you send that registration form to me, do I fill it out in pen, or is human blood OK? 6. I'm too fucking drunk to decide. (vomit noises) 5. Grandpa? Grandpa, is that you?...But...but...you've been dead for 15 years! 4. (Japanese accent) Sorry, I'm not very interesting. 3. Really, ma'am, this is not a good time. I'm cold and naked with a plastic bag over my head. 2. Now will this protection you're offering cover all the children I keep locked up in the basement? 1. No, sir, you will not solicipitate me!!! *** Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett. They were a little confused at their present situation and were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4" tall, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard: "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked away by a group of lesser demons through the door. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened and they saw an even more revolting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The Voice of the Devil was heard: "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of..........Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman who was barely dressed in a very small bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned..........." *** Consider the answer you might receive asking a grade-school child the question "What is 2 plus 2?" in each of the last five decades: in 1956 "4, of course" in 1966 "3, but it's the method that's important" in 1976 "just a second while I get out my calculator" in 1986 "just a second while I launch 'Calculator' on my Mac" in 1996 "just a second while I check the addition home page" *** When gay friends argue in favor of same-sex marriage, I always agree and offer them the one my husband and I are leaving. Why should straights be the only ones to have their unenforceable promise to love, honor, and cherish trap them like houseflies in the web of law? Marriage will not only open up to gay men and lesbians whole new vistas of guilt, frustration, claustrophobia, bewilderment, declining self-esteem, unfairness and sorrow, it will offer them the opportunity to prolong this misery by tormenting each other for years in court. -- Katha Pollitt, from The Nation *** Now here are two seemingly unrelated facts. Fact One: 30% of Medicare expenditures are incurred by people in the last years of their lives. Fact Two: NASA spends billions per year on astronaut safety. Maybe you see where I am going.... Why not shoot the elderly into space? Stay with me. Because I'm not just thinking about the budget here. I'm talking about science. Just think how many more manned space operations NASA could undertake if they didn't have to worry about getting the astronauts back. Now, I'm not saying we don't try to get them back. We just don't make such a big deal about it. That way we don't have to use the shuttle every time, which is very expensive. Put an old Mercury capsule on top of a Saturn rocket, fire it up, and see what happens. And if the "Houston, we've got a problem" call comes, Mission Control can simply reply, "Best of luck. We're rooting for you." -- Al Franken, in "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot" *** Date: Wed, 12 Jun 1996 11:40:02 -0400 From: richard Subject: quotables from today's decision regarding the CDA: Cutting through the acronyms and argot that littered the hearing testimony, the Internet may fairly be regarded as a never-ending worldwide conversation. The Government may not, through the CDA, interrupt that conversation. As the most participatory form of mass speech yet developed, the Internet deserves the highest protection from governmental intrusion. True it is that many find some of the speech on the Internet to be offensive, and amid the din of cyberspace many hear discordant voices that they regard as indecent. The absence of governmental regulation of Internet content has unquestionably produced a kind of chaos, but as one of plaintiffs' experts put it with such resonance at the hearing: What achieved success was the very chaos that the Internet is. The strength of the Internet is that chaos. Just as the strength of the Internet is chaos, so the strength of our liberty depends upon the chaos and cacophony of the unfettered speech the First Amendment protects. For these reasons, I without hesitation hold that the CDA is unconstitutional on its face. -- Judge Dalzell *** By the campfire after dark the Texan opened up a bottle of Wild Turkey, took a swig, threw the bottle in the air, pulled out a double barrel shotgun, and blew the bottle to pieces. The Washingtonian looked at him and said, "Why didn't you finish it?" The Texan replied, "It's OK, we've got plenty of Wild Turkey where I come from." The Californian then pulled out a bottle of Cabernet, took a sip, then threw the rest in the air, pulled out a 9mm pistol, and shot the bottle. He then looked around and said, "That's okay, we've got plenty more in California." The Washingtonian then pulled out a bottle of Micro-Brewery Ale, drank it all down, tossed the empty bottle in the air, pulled out a Colt .45, shot the Californian, and caught the bottle. He then looked over at the Texan and said, "It's OK, we've got plenty of Californians in Oregon, but I have to recycle the bottle." *** John Thornley diet: None of the following... Fizzy drinks Mayonnaise French fries / Nachos / Potato Chips Chocolate Cream (in particular, ice cream) Cheese Paul's addition: 6 servings of Arizona Iced Tea *** Arthur: what's teleporting like? Ford: It's confusingly like being drunk Arthur: What's so confusing about being drunk? Ford: Ask a glass of water. -- The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams) *** Frobnicate, v.: To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. *** ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS ------------------------------------------------------------------- criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift | chance | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift | | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift species | | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift | | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift | health care | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95 | 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword) ------------------------------------------------------------------- *** From: Emily Cummins (cumminme@wfu.edu) wrote: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Just to stop this thread now (I've mailed some people individually): NO! It was a shen from the login paradigm of my year (all Class of '95 at Wake Forest Undergrad have as login first six letters of last name then first two initials... my name is Mary Emily Cummins... I know; it's horrible. I appreciate your sympathy. At least my infamy will die when I graduate!!! *** A SUMMARY OF THE WORLD: If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this: There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere (North and South) and 8 Africans. 51 would be female; 49 would be male 70 would be nonwhite; 30 white. 70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian. 50% of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people and all 6 would be citizens of the United States. 80 would live in substandard housing. 70 would be unable to read. 50 would suffer from malnutrition. 1 would be near death, 1 would be near birth. Only 1 would have a college education. No one would own a computer. In considering the world from such an incredibly compressed perspective, the need for both tolerance and understanding becomes glaringly apparent: From PeaceWorks homepage. *** Combine one word from each of the three columns below, prefaced with "Thou": Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 artless base-court apple-john bawdy bat-fowling baggage beslubbering beef-witted barnacle bootless beetle-headed bladder churlish boil-brained boar-pig cockered clapper-clawed bugbear clouted clay-brained bum-bailey craven common-kissing canker-blossom currish crook-pated clack-dish dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb droning doghearted codpiece errant dread-bolted death-token fawning earth-vexing dewberry fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker goatish fly-bitten fustilarian gorbellied folly-fallen giglet impertinent fool-born gudgeon saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg spongy rude-growing pignut surly rump-fed puttock tottering shard-borne pumpion unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane vain spur-galled scut venomed swag-bellied skainsmate villainous tardy-gaited strumpet warped tickle-brained varlot wayward toad-spotted vassal weedy unchin-snouted whey-face yeasty weather-bitten wagtail *** Freud on Seuss a book review by Josh LeBeau The Cat in the Hat, by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why Can't I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality. The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!" After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle. Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to examine his own inner self. The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control there lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order. With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his style is quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat impossible to put down. While the novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern master becomes apparent. *** I once went to speak at a school, and there was a 16-year-old girl...And the girl says to me, 'You know what? I don't care what I do, I just want to be famous.' And I thought, you know, I should really just shoot her in the head because it would serve two things: It would make her famous as the girl that Jason Alexander shot in the head, and it would, you know, spare the world of the banality of the rest of her life. -- actor Jason Alexander, of the TV program Seinfeld, discusses the nature of fame on Dennis Miller Live *** "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. -- Randy Davis *** The MacGyver Cookbook Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff myself for you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up this cookbook to give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I make'em in my own kitchen at home. CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES: Frequent flier coupons One medium paperclip (not plastic coated) One movie ticket stub Now remember that chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be a nice relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to make them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax. Ecuador is good, so use your frequent-flier coupons to pick up a round-trip ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need those for the cookies. You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches archaeology at Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to Ecuador to try to find her father--a biochemist by trade, but he dabbles in archaeology as a hobby--who went down there to find the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to myth, rode down from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him a wealth of powerful but somewhat failure-prone magical devices that, according to the priests of the day, were pretty darn all-around nifty. Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the god Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a curious bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did actually exist, but he was really an advanced space traveller with comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other devices from his world. About this time, the stewardess will bring by the main meal and you'll want to be sure to save the little packets of salt and butter that come with your meal--the woman next to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so you'll want to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her crackers too. When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of the airport and try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some reason, so you'll go inside to inquire about where transportation might be found and some guy will stumble against you and when you look at him, you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he'll thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp something about "be careful of the poison ivy" and expire messily on the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe waiting for a cab is the better part of valor and head back outside--on the way, though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a half-pound of chocolate chips. The clerk will measure the appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and then surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along with the chocolate chips, then hand you the bag, saying, "On the house." At this point, speed is of the essence--get back outside the concourse before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the woman who sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and offers you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes well, you'll both be out of the parking lot and on your way before he has time to squeeze off more than one shot--and he'll miss on the first one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was just another vehicle backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to let you stay in her hotel room, but she'll need to stop off at the bank first to take care of a little business. While she's talking with the bank representative, you casually wander back to the safety deposit boxes and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll find a fair sized paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking soda and a large bottle of calamine lotion; take this along with the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the safety deposit box. Go back to the lobby just as she's getting ready to leave. Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold the piece of paper--it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the Ecuadorian jungle. Look more closely at it just as your companion notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and exclaims "That's my father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's pretty straightforward--just trek through the jungle with her for a few days, evade the occasional drug lord and that guy with the mustache, locate the hidden temple and descend down a long pole into its depths, and locate the treasure room. There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add two cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs from the next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and two-and-a-half cups of flour, being sure to remove the large plastic bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of flour first. Mix well, add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips from the bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and place by swiss army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up against the back of the idol. Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to lick the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch held in the idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding sound as the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug smugglers' lab slides out of the way and you'll see her father chained to a lab table being forced to refine drugs for the smugglers. While they're having a beautiful and happy reunion, pick up a strange device from the outer room and bring it into the lab where there's better light for a closer inspection. Be sure to bring the cookie sheet too and set them next to each other on the lab table. Your companion and her father will be trying to figure out how to get him unchained while you note that the device in question is clearly of extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to be some sort of highly powerful laser cutting device--except that it shows signs of being dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning the front partial mirror. Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to one quarter wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to reconnect the high-voltage trigger to the laser firing mechanism. Have him stand back while you use the high-powered laser to cut through the chain holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on the other side of the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your presence. They'll burst into the room and one will fire a pistol at you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it permanently on and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the area--the cookies in particular--with high-energy radiation. Now get chased around the interior of the temple for a while and, just after the second brief romantic moment where you kiss her and think "Gosh, for someone who's been running around the Equadorian jungle for nearly a week, her hair's not greasy at all" the cookies should be done. Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that the cooling system for the laser has failed and it's about to explode, and run to the outer room where the three of you scale the pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the top of the pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so uncap the bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole, causing them to fall back into the temple as you and your companions escape into the jungle depths just moments before the entire secret temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling operation along with all the extraterrestrial artifacts. By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your companions will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of so much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie and notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it the plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive. Anyway, this is the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe I've ever tried--I've made it dozens of times and haven't had a single bad batch yet. *** To all you 20 somethings born in the late 60's or early 70's. You might be a child of the 80's if... You have deep, personal relationships via computers with people you've never met in real life before. The phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis. You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song. Not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention. You remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch. You think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade, and people's sexual orientation. The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories. You remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica." Songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day. Three words: Atari, IntelliVision, Coleco. Sound familiar? You remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer! You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend. Yahoo!" You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV. You ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market. A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid." You're pissed that you were too young to participate in the freedom marches and drugged up protests in the 60's, pissed that you were too young to participate in the free love and drugs thing in the 70's, pissed that you were too young to capitalize on the greed and money making ambiance of the 80's, pissed that you wasted too much time doing stupid meaningless things in the late 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about. You see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad. While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again. You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was. One of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing anyway?" You were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone." You, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the End of the World as We Know It" by REM. You can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you. You knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse. You've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut." You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases: - "When I was younger..." - "When I was your age..." - "You know, back when..." - "Because I SAID so, that's why." - "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?" - "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to." You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language. Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am." You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes. Flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart. The first time you heard the candidates names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video. At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm. "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna. There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip," "Buffy," "Muffy," or "Dexter." You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons. You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter. You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake. Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON. You ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands. You were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely. (guys) Your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats. (girls) You thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo. You're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party. You're starting to dread your 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility. You've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there...and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?" You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 34" age category on most questionnaires. You have begun to lust after people who it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting." This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters... you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school. You remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..." You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay? You can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse. You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. You're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree. You won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there." Going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up. You want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts. You're starting to think that luxury or sports cars really look good, and aren't REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penis. That's not YOU. You're starting to get that "why aren't you married yet" shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married. You've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so. You're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more. (mostly guys on this one) Sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first. You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon. U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now. You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation. When somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end. You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene. You ever used the phrase "don't make me angry... you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off. You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man. You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital). You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there." Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway. You know who shot J.R. This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me." You actually remember what all the subplots on Twin Peaks were. You long for the days when Metallica actually played heavy metal, not this Top 40 spunk. Ronald Reagan was like the kindly, forgetful grandfather you never had, and Gorbachev was the guy who helped Moscow get a McDonald's. People use the words "slacker" and "slack" around you a whole lot. You know that Paul McCartney was in a band before Wings, George Harrison was in a band before Traveling Wilburys, and Ringo Starr was in a band before senility. The thought of Tiffany wandering from Mall to Mall singing "children behave..." makes you smile. You followed John Travolta from sweathog to Grease monkey to Fever spreader to Urban Cowboy to Perfect journalist to Talking cab driver to Pulp Fiction junkie to Phenomenon pseudoscientologist. You compare Kurt Cobain's death with those of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison. You remember that punk music was invented 15 years before the likes of Green Day and the Offspring. You recall when the only kind of pants you could buy were bell bottoms, and you wore them despite how they looked, not because you were feeling "retro." You've spent considerable time saran wrapping your comic books or baseball cards in the hopes of selling them years from now and retiring. You believe that Blondie did a great service to the whole rap genre. You fondly recall the shorts that insired the term "Daisy Dukes". The thing that got you interested in basketball was Bird versus Magic, baby. You remember how lame "Cheers" was during its first season. You first met Alanis Morissette as a 10-year-old getting slimed on Nickelodeon's "You Can't Do That On Television." In every Pearl Jam tune, you can name the 70s FM radio song the main guitar riff has been stolen from. You've ever drank grape Kool-Aid out of a Snoopy thermos to wash down a handful of Little Debbie cakes and/or cheese-and-cracker snacks. You think of divorce not only as a state of mind, but also a state of being. *** A friend of a friend was speeding, and had gotten enough tickets before that if she got another, she'd lose her license. Of course, she got pulled over, and was frantically trying to figure out how to talk her way out of the ticket. When the cop came up to the car she rolled down the window and said, "Officer, you didn't pull me over because you wanted to ask me to the policemen's ball, did you?" The cop replied, "State cops don't have balls." Then there was this pause, pause, and then without saying anything, the cop turned around and walked back to his car and drove away. *** The heartwrenching stories were another travesty. "Little Natalia was ripped from her mother's womb with a set of ice tongs by Communists and given to Dimitri, the unfeeling taskmaster who would be her trainer for life. Natalia developed her upper body strength dragging corpses over the harsh terrain of the steppes to the local incinerator, near the ice cave she called home. Dmitri would tell Natalia hourly during her rigorous 17-hour training sessions that if she stopped moving she'd be clubbed by trolls. Sleeping with only a sheet of used aluminum foil for a blanket and a tray of radioactive beef to keep her warm, Natalia dreamed of the day she would be able to fly. And fly she does. Winning is all she knows, this tot-faced little angel, and if she doesn't bring home gold for her country, her little body may be sold and converted to shark chum." Cut to shots of Natalia rubbing rock salt into her bleeding hands, having her head shaved for lice, praying in front of a huge, green, dead Jesus. -- Salon *** A woman's 50 rules for men 1. Call. 2. Don't lie. 3. Never tape any of her body parts together. 4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules No Petting. 6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." 7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?" 8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. 9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. 10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. 11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad. 12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. 13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. 14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. 15. Her cooking is excellent. 16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. 17. Dishsoap is your friend. 18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. 19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. 20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. 21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" 22. Two words: clean socks. 23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk. 24. Burping is not sexy. 25. You're wrong. 26. You're sorry. 27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is. 28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling. 29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound. 30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. 31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. 32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. 33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice < Primo "... and that's NOT PMS :-) " > 34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue. 35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm. 36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. 37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. 38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. 39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. 40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often. 41. Always, always suck up to her brother. 42. Think boxers. 43. Silk boxers. 44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names. 45. Don't try to change the way she dresses. 46. Her haircut is never bad. 47. Don't let your friends pick on her. 48. Call... and call again. 49. Don't lie. 50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go thru labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out. *** 1. The Positive Orgasm: When you hear, "Oh yes, Oh yes!" 2. The Negative Orgasm: When you hear, "Oh NO, Oh NO!" 3. The Spiritual Orgasm: When you hear, "Oh God, Oh God" 4. The Fake Orgasm: When you hear, "Oh (Insert your name here)!"