Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400, carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep nocash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course! Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.. To realize the value of ONE YEAR, Ask a student who has failed his exam. To realize the value of ONE MONTH, Ask a mother who has given birth too a premature baby. To realize the value of ONE WEEK, Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of ONE DAY, Ask a daily wage laborer who has ten kids to feed. To realize the value of ONE HOUR, Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, Ask a person who has missed the train. To realize the value of ONE SECOND, Ask a person who has survived an accident. To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND, Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics. Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special.. special enough to have your time...and remember time waits for no one... *** If you want happiness for an hour take a nap. If you want happiness for a day -- go fishing. If you want happiness for a year -- inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a life -- help someone else. -- Chinese Proverb *** Believe in miracles but don't depend on them. When you hear kind word spoken about a friend, tell him so. Spoil your spouse, not your children. Never make fun of someone who speaks broken English. It means they know another language. To help your children turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money. -- H. Jackson Brown Jr. *** [reporter:] "Don't fame and success isolate you from what you were before and those you loved?" "Success?" Fiennes gave me a withering look. "Well, I don't know quite what you mean by success. Material success? Worldly success? Personal, emotional success? The people I consider successful are so because of how they handle their responsibilities to other people, how they approach the future, people who have a full sense of the value of their life and what they want to do with it. I call people 'successful' not because they have money or their business is doing well but because, as human beings, they have a fully developed sense of being alive and engaged in a lifetime task of collaboration with other human beings--their mothers and fathers, their family, their friends, their loved ones, the friends who are dying, the friends who are being born. "Success?" he repeated emphatically. "Don't you know it is all about being able to extend love to people? Really. Not in a big, capital-letter sense but in the everyday. Little by little, task by task, gesture by gesture, word by word." -- actor Ralph Fiennes, as quoted in Parade magazine, March 9, 1997 *** What is the price of Experience? do men buy it for a song? Or wisdom for a dance in the street? No, it is bought with the price Of all that a man hath, his house, his wife, his children. Wisdom is sold in the desolate market where none come to buy, And in the wither'd field where the farmer plows for bread in vain. It is an easy thing to triumph in the summer's sun And in the vintage & to sing on the waggon loaded with corn. It is an easy thing to talk of patience to the afflicted, To speak the laws of prudence to the houseless wanderer, To listen to the hungry raven's cry in wintry season When the red blood is fill'd with wine & with the marrow of lambs. It is an easy thing to laugh at wrathful elements, To hear the dog howl at the wintry door, the ox in the slaughter house moan; To see a god on every wind & a blessing on every blast; To hear sounds of love in the thunder storm that destroys our enemies' house; To rejoice in the blight that covers his field, & the sickness that cuts off his children, While our olive & vine sing & laugh round our door, & our children bring fruits & flowers. Then the groan & the dolor are quite forgotten, & the slave grinding at the mill, And the captive in chains, & the poor in the prison, & the soldier in the field When the shatter'd bone hath laid him groaning among the happier dead. It is an easy thing to rejoice in the tents of prosperity: Thus could I sing & thus rejoice: but it is not so with me. -- William Blake *** The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we embrace for that day. We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And as it is with you. We are in charge of our attitude. -- Charles Swindoll *** The study of the art of motorcycle maintenance is really a miniature study of the art of rationality itself. Working on a motorcycle, working well, caring, is to become part of the process, to achieve an inner peace of mind. The motorcycle is primarily a mental phenomenon. -- Robert Pirsig, in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance *** "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't- till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'" "But 'glory' doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, Rit means just what I choose it to mean- neither more nor less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." -- Lewis Carroll: "Through the Looking-Glass" *** Subject: FW: Homer Simpson quotes Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening. Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how! Operator! Give me the number for 911! Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam) Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal! Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now? Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy. Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy. Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat... Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch). What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. *** We have not succeeded in solving all your problems. The answers we have found only serve to raise a whole set of new questions. In some ways, we feel we are as confused as ever, but we believe we are confused on a higher level and about more important things. *** The Fool's Prayer by Edward Rowland Sill The royal feast was done; the King Sought some new sport to banish care, And to his jester cried: "Sir Fool Kneel now, and make for us a prayer." The jester doffed his cap and bells, And knelt the mocking court before; They could not see the bitter smile Beneath the painted grin he wore. He bowed his head, and bent his knee Upon the monarch's silken stool; His pleading voice arose "O Lord Be merciful to me, a fool!" "No pity, Lord, could change the heart >From red with wrong to white as wool; The rod must heal the sin; but, Lord, Be merciful to me, a fool! "'Tis not by guilt, the onward sweep Of truth and right, O Lord, we stay; 'Tis by our follies that so long We hold the earth from heaven away. "These clumsy feet, still in the mire, Go crushing blossoms without end; These hard, well-meaning hands we thrust Among the heartstrings of a friend. "The ill-timed truth we might have kept-- Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung! The words we had not strength to say-- Who knows how grandly it had rung? "Our faults no tenderness should ask, The chastening strips must cleanse them all; But for our blunders--on, in shame Before the eyes of heaven we fall. "Earth bears no balsam for mistakes; Men crown the knave and scourge the tool that did his will; but Thou, O Lord, Be merciful to me, a fool!" The room was hushed; in silence rose The King, and sought his garden cool, And walked apart, and murmured low, "Be merciful to me, a fool." *** The Time I've Lost in Wooing by Thomas Moore The time I've lost in wooing In watching and pursuing The light that lies In woman's eyes Has been my heart's undoing. Tho' Wisdom oft has sought me, I scorn'd the lore she brought me, My only books Were women's looks, And folly's all they taught me. Her smile when Beauty granted, I hung with gaze enchanted, Like him the Sprite Whom maids by night Oft meet in glen that's haunted. Like him, too, Beauty won me; But when she spell was on me, If once their ray Was turn'd away, O! winds could not outrun me. And are those follies going? And is my proud heart growing Too cold or wise For brilliant eyes Again to set it glowing? No -- vain, alas! th' endeavour From bonds so sweet to sever;-- Poor Wisdom's chance Against a glance Is now as weak as ever. *** "Simple. I got very bored and depressed, so I went and plugged myself into its external computer feed. I talked to the computer at great length and explained my view of the Universe to it." "And what hapened?" "It committed suicide." -- Douglas Adams, The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy *** "You mean that's it?" said Ford. "That's it" "Six by Nine. Forty-two." "That's it. That's all there is." -- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe *** Important facts from Galactic History, number two: (reproduced from the Siderial Daily Mentioner's Book of Popular Galactic History.) Since this Galaxy began, vast civilizations have arisen and fallen, risen and fallen, risen and fallen so often that it's quite tempting to think that life in the Galaxy must be: (a) something akin to seasick - space-sick, time sick history sick or some such thing, and (b) stupid. -- Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe, and Everything *** Humans think they are smarter than dolphins because we build cars and buildings and start wars etc...and all that dolphins do is swim in the water, eat fish and play around. Dolphins believe that they are smarter for exactly the same reasons. -- Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish! *** Some creatures that live in the lower intestines of rats would disagree, but then creatures that live in the lower intestines of rats are highly disagreeeable anyway, so their opinions can and SHOULD be discluded. -- Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless *** A large dairy animal approached Zaphod Beeblebrox's table, a large fat meaty quadruped of the bovine type with large watery eyes, small horns and what might almost have been an ingratiating smile on it's lips. "Good evening," it lowed and sat back heavily on it's haunches, "I am the main Dish of the Day. May I interst you in parts of my body?" It harrumphed and gurgled a bit, wriggled its hind quarters into a more comfortable position and gazed peacefully at them. -- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe *** "I was born for this, I came into the world for this: to bear witness to the truth; and all who are on the side of truth listen to my voice." "Truth?" said Pilate, "what is that?" -- John 18:37 *** There is nothing in the world, I venture to say, that would so effectively help one to survive even the worst conditions, as the knowledge that there is a meaning in one's life. One can find meaning in life in three different ways: by creating a work or doing a deed; by experiencing something or encoutering someone; and by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering. We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation. I bear witness to the unexpected extent to which man is capable of defying and braving even the worst conditions conceivable. -- Viktor E. Frankl, who survived Auschwitz and three other Nazi concentration camps while losing his parents and other family members. He later developed the "Third Vienna School" of psychotherapy (after Freud and Adler) known as logotherapy, in which man's primary motivational force is his search for meaning. Quoted in newswire obituaries -- Frankl died Sept. 2, 1997. *** I am a rush job. I belong to no age, for men have always hurried. I prod all human endeavor. Men believe me necessary - but falsely. I rush today because I was not planned yesterday. I demand excessive energy and concentration. I over-ride all obstacles, but at great expense. I illustrate the old saying, "haste makes waste." My path is strewn with the evils of overtime, mistakes and disappointments. Accuracy and quality give way to speed. Ruthlessly I rush on. I am a rush job. *** By the time the average person finishes college he or she will have taken over 2,600 tests, quizzes and exams. The 'right answer' approach becomes deeply ingrained in our thinking. This may be fine for some mathematical problems, where there is in fact only one right answer. The difficulty is that most of life isn't that way. Life is ambiguous; there are many right answers - all depending on what you are looking for. But if you think there is only one right answer, then you'll stop looking as soon as you find one. -- Roger von Oech, "A Whack On the Side Of The Head" *** Sally: I'd like the chef salad please with oil and vinegar on the side, and the apple pie a la mode. Waitress: Chef and apple a la mode. Sally: But I'd like the pie heated, and I don't want the ice cream on top. I want it on the side, and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it. If not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream, but only if it's real. If it's out of the can, then nothing. Waitress: Not even the pie? Sally: No, just the pie, but then not heated. -- When Harry Met Sally *** Homer Simpson's "Do Re Mi Beer" Dough, the stuff, that buys me beer, Ray, the guy who sells me beer, Me, the guy who's drinking beer, Far, a long way to go for beer, So, I'll have another beer, La, I'll have another beer, Tea, no thanks, I'm having beer.... that will bring us back to....... D'oh *** A WINNER knows how much he still has to learn, even when he is considered an expert by others; a LOSER wants to be considered an expert by others before he has even learned enough to know how little he knows. A WINNER knows what to fight for, and what to compromise on; a LOSER compromised on what he shouldn't, and fights for what isn't worthwhile fighting about. A WINNER shows he's sorry by making up for it; a LOSER says "I'm sorry," but does the same thing the next time. A WINNER respects those who are superior to him, and tries to learn something from them; a LOSER resents those who superior to him, and tries to find chinks in their armor. A WINNER has a healthy appreciation of his abilities, and a keen awareness of his limitations; a LOSER is oblivious both of his true abilities and his true limitations. A WINNER focuses, a LOSER sprays. A WINNER is sensitive to the atmosphere around him; a LOSER is sensitive only to his own feelings. A WINNER admits his prejudices, and tries to correct for them in making judgments; a LOSER denies his prejudices, and thus becomes their lifelong captive. A WINNER recognizes that the only true authority is moral authority; a LOSER having little inner respect, tries to assume more external authority than his character can handle. A WINNER stops talking when he has made his point; a LOSER goes on until he has blunted his point. -- J. Sydney Harris *** The Top 10 Paradoxes of Leadership Doing the right thing won't always win you the prize -- life is full of compromise and even disappointment. True leaders know that the right thing is reward in itself, and eventually other rewards and recognition will follow. 1. People are sometimes illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway. 2. If you do good, people might accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway. 3. If you are successful, you can win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. 4. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. 5. Honesty and frankness can make you vulnerable. Be honest anyway. 6. The biggest people with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest people with the smallest ideas. Think big anyway. 7. People favor underdogs but follow top dogs. Fight for the underdogs anyway. 8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. 9. People who need help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. 10. Give the world the best you have and you may get kicked in the teeth. Give your best anyway. -- From Archie Kregear's QOTD, archiek@ix.netcom.com Send him e-mail if you would like to subscribe to his "Quote of the Day" *** A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her. A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad. A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?". A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you." -- Katherine S. Beamer and submitted by Martha Cluett *** In case you've ever wondered why dumb people seem to get an unfair share of the promotions, here is a simple explanation that is also a mathematical proof. Work Power = ----- Time If Knowledge = Power and Time = Money, then Work Knowledge = ----- Money Solving for money, we get: Work Money = ----- Knowledge Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the Work done. What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make. *** Black by Pearl Jam Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of plain Her legs spread out before me as her body holds still All five horizons revolved around her soul as the earth to the sun Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn Oooo, and all I taught her was everything Oooo, I know she gave me yarn that she wore And now my bitter hands shake beneath the clouds of what was everything All the pictures sent all been washed in black ...tattooed everything I take a walk outside, I'm surrounded by some kids at play I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear? And twisted thoughts that spin round my head, I'm spinnin' Oh I'm spinnin', how quick a sun can drop away And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything All the pictures sent all been washed in black ...tattooed everything All the love gone bad turned my world to black Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all that I'll be yeaheah Uhuh...uhuh...oooh I know someday you'll have a beautiful life I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky But why, why, why can't it be...how can I be more? *** Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are we not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. -- Nelson Mandella's 1994 Inaugural speech *** Around The Corner: By Henson Towne Around the corner I have a friend, In this great city that has no end, Yet the days go by and weeks rush on, And before I know it, a year is gone. And I never see my old friends face, For life is a swift and terrible race, He knows I like him just as well, As in the days when I rang his bell. And he rang mine if, we were younger then, And now we are busy, tired men. Tired of playing a foolish game, Tired of trying to make a name. "Tommorow" I say "I will call on Jim" "Just to show that I'm thinking of him." But tommorow comes and tommorow goes, And distance between us grows and grows. Around the corner!- yet miles away, "Here's a telegram sir" "Jim died today." And thats what we get and deserve in the end. Around the corner, a vanished friend. Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Beause when you decide that it is the right time, it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today. Pass this along to your friends. It could make a difference. The difference between doing all that you can or having regrets which may stay with you forever. *** Every day, you are bombarded by glowing promises from advertisers, politicians, clergymen, and others. You are called upon again and again to make decisions based on what others tell you. In almost every case, however, what they leave out is as important as what they say. Allow your intuition and your insight to lead you to discover what the pitchman doesn't tell you. -- Marilyn vos Savant, _Brain Building in Just 12 Weeks_, p. 115 *** Leadership is not magnetic personality-- that can just as well be a glib tongue. It is not 'making friends and influencing people'-- that is flattery. Leadership is lifting a person's vision to higher sights, the raising of a person's performance to a higher standard, the building of a personality beyond its normal limitations. -- Peter Drucker *** Kids Property Laws 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my hand, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours! *** There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. -- Douglas Adams *** 7 Habits of Ineffective Executives The second rate executive... 1. Believes that forming a committee is the same thing as making a decision. 2. Considers talking to the limo driver to be "getting in touch with the real world." 3. Thinks that bragging about how much money he or she makes will increase your respect for him or her. 4. Believes that saying, "It's your decision, but if it were up to me..." is delegating authority. 5. Thinks that repeatedly reminding you how lucky you are will make you appreciate your job. 6. Believes that hanging up a sign about employee morale will improve morale. 7. Sees the logic of repeatedly interrupting your work to make sure you are working. -Dale Dauten, columnist, The Chicago Tribune, 4/24/95. (Most recently in Archie Kregear's QOTD) *** Gifts of the Gods The Gods gave us fire, and we invented fire engines. They gave us the Spring rains, and we made umbrellas. The Gods blessed us with sunshine, and we made curtains. They gave us gentle cool breezes, and we knitted sweaters. The Gods filled the skies with birds, and we made shotguns. They furnished the seas with fish, and we manufactured nets. The Gods gave us untold numbers of forests, and we made lumber. They gave us flowing streams and rivers, and we built huge dams. The Gods gave us blue skies, and we developed ways to pollute them. But worst of all, they gave us love, and we had to invent marriage. *** It is not the critic that counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbles or how the doer of deeds might have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat. ... Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat. -- Theodore Roosevelt, "Sharpening the Sword" *** There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense. -- Elizabeth to her sister Jane in "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen *** Life...is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an english toffee, but they're gone too fast, and the taste is...fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. And if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers. -- The Cigarette-Smoking Man The X-Files: "Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man" November 17, 1996 *** Spellbound by Janet Minor I have a spelling checker, It came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your pleased too no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew. *** In the future, everyone will have the same haircut, and the same clothes. In the future, everyone will be very fat, from a starchy diet. In the future, everyone will be very thin, from not having enough to eat. In the future, it will be next to impossible to tell girls from boys, even in bed. In the future, men will be super-masculine, and women will be ultra-feminine. In the future, half of us will mentally ill. In the future, there will be no religion or spiritualism of any sort. In the future, the psychic arts will be put to practical use. In the future, we will not think that nature is beautiful. In the future, the weather will always be the same. In the future, no one will fight with anyone else. In the future, there will be an atomic war. In the future, water will be expensive. In the future, all material items will be free. In the future, everyone's house will be like a little fortress. In the future, everyone's house will be a total entertainment center. In the future, everyone but the wealthy will be very happy. In the future, everyone but the wealthy will be very filthy. In the future, everyone but the wealthy will be very healthy. In the future, TV will be so good that the printed word will function as an art form, only. In the future, people with boring jobs will take pills to relieve their boredom. In the future, no one will live in cities. In the future, there will be many wars, going on everywhere. In the future, everyone will think about love, all the time. In the future, political & other decisions will be based completely on opinion polls. In the future, there will be a machine which will product a religious experience in the user. In the future, there will be groups of wild people, living in the wilderness. In the future, there will only be paper money, which will be personalized. In the future, there will be a classless society. In the future, everyone will only get to go home once a year. In the future, everyone will stay home all the time. In the future, we will not have time for leisure activities. In the future, we will only work one day a week. In the future, our bodies will be shriveled up, but our brains will be bigger. In the future, there will be starving people everywhere. In the future, people will live in space. In the future, no one will be able to afford TV. In the future, the helpless will be killed. In the future, everyone will have their own style of way-out clothes. In the future, we will make love to anything, anytime, anywhere. In the future, there will be so much going on, no one will be able to keep track of it. -- David Byrne *** There's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate', brandy and a fried egg on top of spam. -- Monty Python *** DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form. -- New York Times, November 26, 1991 *** For me, if one must quote others, the best sources for quotes are the everyday people around us. We will always encounter something more amusing, more visual, more witheringly lucid out of the mouth of an oil-field worker who recklessly maims the language than from the deadly austere pedagogy of an English professor who speaks the language with brutal perfection. -- Gerry Spence, in _How to Argue and Win Every Time_, page 100. *** ... the wise man should always follow the roads that have been trodden by the great, and imitate those who have most excelled, so that if he cannot reach their perfection, he may at least acquire something of its savour. Acting in this like the skilful archer, who seeing that the object he would hit is distant, and knowing the range of his bow, takes aim much above the destined mark; not designing that his arrow should stike so high, but that flying high it may alight at the point intended. -- Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince *** Maybe I'm lonely. It's all I'm qualified to be - there's just one and only, one and only promise I can keep. As long as the planets are turning, as long as the stars are burning - as long as your prayers are coming true, you better believe it, that I would do anything for love, and you know it's true and that's a fact! And I would do anything for love, and there'll never be no turning back! -- Meat Loaf *** God, a red nugget, a fat egg under a dog. Lonely Tylenol Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus Red rum, sir, is murder Here no orchestral arts, eh, crooner, eh? No, it is opposition Ungate me, Vic, I've met a gnu Debase wedlock, cold ewes abed T. Eliot, top bard, notes putrid tang emanating, is sad. I'd assign it a name: gnat dirt upset on drab pot toilet. No, nay, Nat is too bossy, as I say Go! Be off for a fat salami! Aloof at lovers I had named I stare. Here smegma is food, a kimono is secret sin I misled a ticklish sultan At lush silk citadels I minister. Cession, O Mikado, of Siam Gems, ere he rats I demand! Ah--is revolt a fool aim? A last a far-off foe--bogy as I--says so. Boots it any anon? Eve mine, denied, under a ban, a bared nude in Eden, I'm Eve. [Answer to "Madam, I'm Adam] A man, a plan, a canal: Panama! A dog, a pant, a panic in a Patna pagoda U Nu and Lon Nol An era, midst its dim arena Elapses pale. No, in uneven union Liars alas rail. Yo, jadedness ended a joy. 18-8-1881 [symmetrical in all directions!] 19-9-1991 Mildred Pone Bangkok Post, Sept 19, 1991 *** "Playing tight end", Tom was told soberly. Sometimes the burning questions of life _are_ answered. Answer provided by Fred (just call me winner at the Alamo) Colunga. Original question follows: "Where is my wide receiver?", Tom asked endlessly. *** http://locke.ccil.org/~esr/html-hell.html [..] You Know You're In Style Hell When You See... angst and pretentiousness We were originally going to vent our spleen at black backgrounds, until we realized that black is not the problem. It's the three overlapping populations of losers that compose 99% of the black backgrounds on the Web that are the problem. These are (a) cooler-than-thou art fags, (b) angst-ridden adolescents, and (c) the kind of coffeehouse trendoids who actually believe subscribing to Wired makes them hip. Clue: angst and pretentiousness are boring. People who spew bad poetry and/or make a fetish of writing in all-smalls and/or traffic in fuzzy images of mediocre avant-garde art should slit their wrists or join a commune or do anything else that will keep their self-indulgent sludge off the Web. *** Whatever happened to human rights?...human rights are no longer in vogue, Democrats and Republicans alike bend over for China. Buying suit jackets made by political prisoners is more important than setting them free. We wear the suits, they wear the chains. Let the Chinese goose-step all over the humans of Tibet. With the inconvenient exception of the Dalai Lama[,] we can't pronounce their names anyway. Human rights has this hidden proviso: the less pronounceable their names, the less rights they need to have." -- Andrei Codrescu, in a column in the Cincinnati alternative newspaper Everybody's News, June 7, 1996. *** What if Dr. Seuss Did Technical Training Manuals? ================================================= Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame sir! We'll find you another game sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! *** The Republic has been treated to the spectacle of grown men and women in Congress behaving like college students pulling a last-ditch all-nighter. Their aim was to pile up a record with which to impress the voters or to club their opponents this fall. The entire show was alarming because when Congress gets in a hurry it can do even more damage than when it has plenty of time. -- opening paragraph of the lead editorial of the New York Times, August 3, 1996, on preparations for elections in the U.S.: *** We must choose between a party that neglects the poor and one that savages them, between a party that defers to the rich and one that deifies them, between a party that abjectly apologizes for government and one that demonizes it. One party signs a Faustian contract with the devil. The other party offers the contract. Better Faustus than Mephistopheles. -- historian Garry Wills on the choice offered in the 1996 U.S. Presidential elections - between the Faustus of the Democratic Party and the Mephistopheles of the Republican Party. (October 3, 1996 issue of The New York Review of Books.) *** Love the earth and the sun and the animals, Despise riches, Give alms to everyone that asks, Stand up for the stupid and crazy, Devote your income and labor to others, Hate tyrants, Argue not concerning God, Have patience and indulgence toward the people, Take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, Go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the youung and with the mothers of families, Read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, Re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, Dismiss whatever insults your own soul, And your very flesh shall be a great poem And have the richest fluency not only in its words But in the silent lines of its lips and face and Between the lashes of your eyes and In every motion and joint of your body. *** Obviously, where art has it over life is in the matter of editing. Life can be seen to suffer from a drastic lack of editing. It stops too quick, or else it goes on too long. Worse, its pacing is erratic. Some chapters are little more than a few sentences in length, while others stretch into volumes. Life, for all its raw talent, has little sense of structure. It creates amazing textures, but it can't be counted on for snappy beginnings or good endings either. Indeed, in many cases no ending is provided at all. -- Larry McMurtry, _Film Flam_ *** The US Navy uses a form called a FITREP of Fitness Report to review an officer's performance every year. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's".... - His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. - I would not breed from this Officer. - This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be. - When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. - He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. - Technically sound, but socially impossible. - This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. - This young lady has delusions of adequacy. - When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. - Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. - She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. - He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age. - This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better. - In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet. - This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. - The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship. - Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. Source: "Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guide to Royal Navy Slanguage" by Rick Jolly, 1989. *** Code Number Explanation ---------- ----------- 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timesheet 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5511 Feeling Horny 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323) 5604 Complaining About Boss 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6205 Hiding from Boss 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6211 Updating Resume 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter 6213 Out of Office on Interview 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use 8002 Liquid Lunch 8100 Reading e-mail *** PICK-UP REBUTTAL HUMOR 1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." 2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" 3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there." 4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you." 5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." 6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator." 7.) Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?" Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?" Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!" 8.) I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards." 9.) Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.) 10.) Q: What sign were you born under? A: No Parking. 11.) A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off. 12.) And here's one including the correct snappy return Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!" 13.) After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure." 14.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet." 15.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken." 16.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else. 17.) The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?" 18.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." 19.) Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash." *** ENGLISH Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another. Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. *** American stuntmen are smart -- they think about safety. When they do a jump in a car, they calculate everything: the speed, the distance... But in Hong Kong, we don't know how to count. Everything we do is a guess. If you've got the guts, you do it. All of my stuntmen have gotten hurt. I say, 'Do it! Camera, action, jump!' Boom! Ambulance! Hospital! Next stuntman! -- action film star Jackie Chan *** Men's Life Styles Through the Ages AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fianc=E9e is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping DRUG 17 pot 25 coke 35 really good coke 48 power 66 coke, a limousine, the company jet DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't bump into her kids." 66 "Got home alive." FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trios 48 taking his company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave HOUSE PET 17 roaches 25 stoned-out college roommate 35 Irish setter 48 children from his first marriage 66 Barbie WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank *** Anagram hall of fame. Dormitory = Dirty Room Clint Eastwood = Old West Action A Telephone Girl = Repeating "Hello" Western Union = No Wire Unsent The Country Side = No City Dust Here Evangelist = Evil's Agent Astronomers = Moon starers / No more stars The Cockroach = Cook, Catch Her Desperation = A Rope Ends It The Morse Code = Here Come Dots Slot Machines = Cash Lost in'em Conversation = Voices Rant On Disraeli = I lead, Sir. Clothespins = So Let's Pinch The Great New York Rapid Transit Tunnel = Giant Work in Street, Partly Underneath Florence Nightingale = Nigel, Fetch an Iron Leg / Flit on Cheering Angel MacDonalds = Clam and Sod Information Superhighway = Yow! Hi ho, I'm surfing Arpanet! Darling I love you = leaving your idol / Avoiding our yell Butterfly = Flutter-by Heavy Rain? = Hire a Navy! Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter Animosity = Is No Amity Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler Funeral = Real Fun A Domesticated Animal = Docile, as a Man Tamed it The Railroad Train = Hi! I Rattle and Roar The Hilton = Hint: Hotel A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss = Stroller on Go, Amasses Nothing Sunshine and Shadow = Show in Sun and Shade The Check is in the Mail = Claim "Heck, I sent it (heh)" The United States Bureau of Fisheries = I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's Vacation Times = I'm Not as Active Software = Swear Oft Silicon Graphics = A Long Chip Crisis / Can logic ship, sir? / Gosh, sir, I can clip Alec Guinness = Genuine Class The Detectives = Detect Thieves The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man Semolina = Is No Meal The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom Christmas tree = Search, Set, Trim A Gentleman = Elegant Man Presbyterian = Best In Prayer The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake Salman Rushdie = Read, Shun Islam Martin Scorsese = Screen is a storm (the director of movies "Taxi Driver," "Mean Streets," "GoodFellas," "Cape Fear," and "Age of Innocence.") Barbie doll = I'll bare bod / Babe I'd roll / Liberal bod Student Information Processing Board = Computation Transgression Forbidden (MIT) Statue of Liberty = Built to Stay Free Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one Patrick Stewart = A Crap Trek Twist Mel Gibson = Bong Smile Admirer = Married Indomitableness = Endless ambition Contradiction = Accord not in it Debit card = Bad Credit US Presidents William Clinton = I'm it, an ill clown William Jefferson Clinton = Firm clean fellow. Joint? Sin! William Jefferson Clinton = Jail Mrs Clinton: Felon wife George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog George Bush = He bugs Gore Ronald Wilson Reagan = Insane Anglo Warlord / No, darlings, no ERA law Ronald Reagan = A darn long era Hook = Oh, OK Raiders of the Lost Ark = Ford, the Real Star, is OK The Towering Inferno = Not Worth Fire Engine (from British anagrammists): Tony Blair, MP = I'm Tory plan B Virginia Bottomley = I'm an evil Tory bigot Margaret Thatcher = A charm tart, get her! The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty Twenty thousand leagues under the sea = Huge water tale stuns. End had you tense The end of the world is nigh! = Down this hole, frightened! The best things in life are free = Nail-biting refreshes the feet *** I'm Hungry - A Teenager's Lament (author unknown) I'm hungry, so I think I'll take A bite or two of lunch, A pizza and a chocolate cake, Some peanut butter crunch, A healthy slice of apple pie, A pound or so of ham, A stack of waffles (two feet high) With boysenberry jam. I'll follow with a dozen eggs (I'll scramble them, I guess) And six or seven turkey legs, (I could not do with less), Some rhino roast and hippo stew And fresh filet of horse, Then rest a minute (maybe two) And start the second course. *** Tell all the Truth but tell it slant-- Success in Circuit lies Too bright for our infirm Delight The Truth's superb surprise As Lightning to the Children eased With explanation kind The Truth must dazzle gradually Or every man be blind-- -- Emily Dickinson, _Poems_ *** When my love swears that she is made of truth, I do believe her, though I know she lies, That she might think me some untutored youth, Unlearned in the world's false subtleties. Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young, Although she knows my days are past the best, Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue; On both sides thus is simple truth suppress'd. But wherefore says she not she is unjust? And wherefore say not I that I am old? O, love's best habit is in seeming trust, And age in love loves not t'have years told. Therefore I lie with her, and she with me, And in our faults by lies we flattered be. -- Shakespeare, Sonnet 138 *** _Drinkers Pocket Troubleshooting Guide_ Symptom Probable Cause Solution Drinking fails to Mouth not open or Take a six-pack and give satisfaction glass being applied practice in front of and taste, shirt to wrong part of face mirror until drinking front wet technique perfected Drinking fails to Glass empty Find someone who'll give satisfaction buy you another beer and taste, beer unusually pale Feet cold and wet Glass being held at Hold glass such that incorrect angle open end points toward ceiling Feet warm and wet Loss of self control Move to nearest dog. After a few minutes, complain loudly about its lack of training; demand beer in compensation Lap cool and wet Drooling on self Change position so that you are drooling on someone else Bar looks like You are at a circus Go to a bar circus Bar hazy and out You are looking Find someone who'll buy of focus through the bottom you another beer of your empty glass Bar swaying Unusually high air Insert broom handle down turbulance,perhaps back of shirt due to darts match Bar moving You are being Find out if you are being carried out taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked. Room spinning Someone is spinning Vomit on person doing the your barstool spinning You notice that the You have fallen over If no one is standing on wall opposite you backwards your drinking arm and your is covered with beer is full, stay put. ceiling tiles and Otherwise, have someone has a flourescent help you up and lash strip across it yourself to the bar Everything has You have fallen over Same as for falling over become dim. Your forwards backwards nose & lips are bleeding, and mouth is full of teeth and cigarrette butts You wake to find You have spent the Check to see if it is your bed hard, night in the gutter opening time. If it isn't, cold, and wet. You treat yourself to a lie in. can't seem to find your bedroom walls or ceiling Everything has gone The bar is closing PANIC!!!! dark and quiet *** Thanks to: Ken Prentice If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural. Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the largest anagrams. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula." Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children. If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. Maine is the only state that borders on only one state. The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.' The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows. The famous split-fingered Vulcan salute is actually intended to represent the first letter ("shin," pronounced "sheen") of the word "shalom." As a small boy, Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi using it in a benediction and never forgot it; eventually he was able to add it to "Star Trek" lore. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." The term the "Boogey Man will get you" comes from the Boogey people, who still inhabit an area of Indonesia. These people still act as pirates today and attack ships that pass. Thus the term spread "if you don't watch out the Boogey man will get you." The longest U.S. highway is route 6 starting in Cape Cod, Massachusetts going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California... "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und." **** Subject: DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. *** A corollary bypass: After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches, a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes. Knowledge is Power Time is Money and as everyone knows, Power is Work divided by Time. So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get: K = P (1) T = M (2) P = W/T (3) Now, do a few simple substitutions: Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4) Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields: K = W/M (5). Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get: Knowledge equals Work divided by Money. What this MEANS is that: 1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and 2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make. Solving for Money, we get: M = W/K (6) Money equals Work divided by Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done. What THIS MEANS is: The More you Make, the Less you Know. Solving for Work, we get W = M x K (7) Work equals Money times Knowledge From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0. What THIS MEANS is: The stupid rich do little or no work. Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader. *** Bart Simpson's chalkboard humor I will not carve gods. I will not spank others. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I'm sick. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I said nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. Funny noises are not funny. I will not snap bras. I will not fake seizures. This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death. I will not defame New Orleans. I will not prescribe medication. I will not bury the new kid. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer Teacher is not a leper. Coffee is not for kids. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee. I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an 'Emmy'. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy. I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy. Organ transplants are best left to professionals. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. There are plenty of businesses like show business. I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I will not waste chalk. I will not skateboard in the halls. I will not instigate revolution. I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis. I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes". Garlic gum is not funny. They are laughing at me, not with me. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not encourage others to fly. I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything. I will not Xerox my butt. It's potato, not potatoe. I will not trade pants with others. I am not a 32 year old woman. I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property. I will not burp in class. I will not cut corners. I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem. I will not sell land in Florida. I will not grease the monkey bars. I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again. I will not show off. I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist. Spitwads are not free speech. Nobody likes sunburn slaps. Explosives and school don't mix. I will not bribe Principal Skinner. I will not squeak chalk. I will finish what I sta "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender. Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink. I will not torment the emotionally frail. *** A little review of the career of actor Troy McClure... The Troy McClure Worship Page Movies [7F13] "Cry Yuma" [7F13] "Here Comes The Coast Guard" [8F01] "Preacher With A Shovel" (with Dolores Montenegro) [8F03] "The Revenge of Abe Lincoln" [8F03] "The Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West" [8F14] "Calling All Quakers" (with Dolores Montenegro) [8F14] "Gladys The Groovy Mule" [8F14] "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" [9F07] "Dial M For Murderousness" [9F07] "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules" [9F20] "'P' is for Psycho" [9F20] "The President's Neck is Missing!" [1F21] "The Boatjacking of Supership 79" [1F21] "Hydro, the Man With the Hydraulic Arms" [2F07] "Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out" [3F15] "Muppets Go Medieval" (1977) (with Dyan Cannon and The Muppets) [3F15] "The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed" [3F15] "They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall" [3F15] "Meet Joe Blow" [3F15] "Give My Remains to Broadway" [3F15] "The Verdict Was Mail Fraud" [3F15] "Leper in the Backfield" [3F15] "Make-Out King of Montana" [3F15] "The Electric Gigolo" [3F15] "The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel" (also director) [SI#2] "Space Mutants VII: Cry of the Space Mutant" [SI#8] "The Itchy & Scratchy Movie" (bit part) [SC#1] "Jagged Attraction" [SC#1] "Look Who's Still Oinking" [BM#1] "Calling All Lumberjacks" [BM#1] "The Day Paul Bunyan Cried" [SC#5] "Three Men And A Nuke" [RM#412] "Radioactive Man III" [TC] "Coffee, Tea, or Fiddle Dee Dee" [TC] "Eenie Meeni Miney, Die" Note "Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" is the first McBain movie, according to the McBain trading card. Note Troy turned down the part of McBain's sidekick in "McBain IV : Fatal Discharge" to do "Contrabulous Fabtraption". [3F15] TV Series [8F07] "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory" [8F07] "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" [8F12] "Handel With Kare" [SC#6] "Troy McClure's Pre-Teen Soul Machine" TV Specials [8F18] Miss American Girl Pageant (host) [9F07] "Carnival of the Stars" (host) [3F31] "Alien Nose Jobs" (Fox Network Special) [3F31] "Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show" (Fox Network Special) Musicals [3F15] "Stop the Planet of the Apes : I Want To Get Off!" [TC] "Muttonchops" (A one-man musical tribute to the great thinkers of the 19th Century.) Educational films and the like [8F16] "The World Without Zinc" (child actor?) [8F22] "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What" [8F22] "Here Comes The Metric System" [8F22] "Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly" [9F14] "60 Minutes of Car Crash Victims" [9F14] "Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass" [9F14] "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot" [3F03] Meat Council film : "Meat And You: Partners in Freedom" [3F03] "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun" [3F03] "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer" [3F13] "Young Jebidiah Springfield" [3F15] "Locker Room Towel Fights : The Blinding of Larry Driscoll" [2F15] "Pepsi Presents Fractions" [BM#1] "A Tree Grew In Springfield" Note The Meat Council film is number 3F03 in the "Resistance is Useless" Series. Do-It-Yourself Videos [9F05] "Dig Your Own Grave and Save" [9F05] "Mothballing Your Battleship" [9F05] "The Half-Assed Guide to Foundation Repair" Telethons [1F03] "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House" [1F03] "Out With Gout '88" [1F03] "Springfield Public Television Telethon"??? Infomercials and Miscellaneous [7F13] I Can't Believe They Invented It: The Candy Bar That Cleans Teeth [7F14] I Can't Believe They Invented It: Eyeball Whitener [8F07] I Can't Believe They Invented It: Spiffy, the 21st Century Stain Remover [9F20] I Can't Believe They Invented It: The Juice Loosener [8F03] Introductory video to the "Ah! Fudge" chocolate factory [8F11] "We're Sending our Love Down the Well" (singing) [8F14] Introductory video to "Rancho Relaxo" [9F11] Voice-over for the Duff Gardens commercial [9F19] The Springfield Squares [1F21] Impulse Buying Network (IBN) [3F12] (celebrity funeral) Herschel Shlomo Krustofsky, aka Krusty The Clown [3F12] (celebrity funeral) Andre The Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye [3F12] (celebrity funeral) Shemp Howard, Today We Mourn A Stooge Self Help Videos [1F05] "Adjusting Your Self-O-Stat" (with Brad Goodman) [1F05] "Get Confident, Stupid!" [1F05] "Smoke Yourself Thin" [SC#5] "Kiss Your Butt Goodbye: Post-Meltdown Emergency Procedures" Key To Abbreviations #F## = episodes of "The Simpsons" TV show SI = Simpsons Illustrated magazine SC = Simpsons Comics BM = Bartman comic book RM = Radioactive Man comic book TC = Trading Card *** PRISON LIFE VS. FULL-TIME JOB In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' x 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' x 8' cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison the ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers. *** GOOD * BAD * WORSE Part 1 of 2 Good: Your hubby & you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find your birth control pills. Worse: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Worse: You're in them. Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie. Bad: It's over five years old. Worse: Your daughter's the star. Good: Your son's interested in school. Bad: He has to do extra credit to pass. Worse: Making a sex ed video. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Worse: So are you. Good: You give the "Birds & Bees" talk to your kid Bad: He keeps interupting. Worse: With corrections ! Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer. (a GOOD one) Good: Your wife sez you can go hunting all you want. Bad: Because she's leaving you. Worse: For another woman. Good: Your wife is helping bring in income. Bad: She's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you. Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your spouse. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camies and has an AK-47. Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year. Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: They're both gay. Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: The postman had the same idea. Worse: There's a line, waiting. Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday. Worse: It's Tuesday morning already. Good: You finally get a nite out. Bad: You're seen going into a strip show by a gossip. Worse: Your daughter's the headliner. Good: Your husband's exercising and dieting. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes. Worse: He knows how to coordinate better. Good: Your child's waiting for "Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is. Worse: He's recieved answers to his personals ad. Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds. Worse: He catches you looking and smiles. Good: Your wife loves outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown. Worse: Neither of you drive. Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home. Worse: From her Woman's Club meeting. Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: ALL of them. *** YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF... You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two" You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend" You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare. You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty. You think Huey Newton is a cookie. The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you. You think you might remember laughing once as a kid. You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie. You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs." You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something. You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches." You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school." You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie." You answer to "The Man." You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense. You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood." You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance." You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love. You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values." When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho." You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut." You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969. You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America. You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties. You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me." You've ever called education a luxury. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle. You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable. You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan. You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker. You're afraid of the liberal media." You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...." You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society." You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes. You confuse Lenin with Lennon. *** THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ? 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453. 2) Ecuador. 3) From sheep and horses. 4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours. 5) Squirrel fir. 6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs. 7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert. 8) Distinctively crimson. 9) New Zealand. 10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648. *** THE TURKEY SHOT OUT OF THE OVEN by Jack Prelutsky The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air, it knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair. It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom, then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room. It stuck to the walls and the windows, it totally coated the floor, there was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before. It blanketed every appliance, It smeared every saucer and bowl, there wasn't a way I could stop it, that turkey was out of control. I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped, that I'd never again stuff a turkey with popcorn that hadn't been popped. *** DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________ (1) (2) (3) 1. 2. 3. on the highway in September that purple dress in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants on probation all hunched over the stolen goods in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin incognito with joggers the neon sign in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts she wore; She was ______ _____, (4) (5) 4. 5. sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra smellin' kind of funny when she shot me crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever; (6) (7) (8) 6. 7. 8. no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with her that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her mind she'd bought her dentures in She asked me if swear off a booze store that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink change my sex I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her out they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf I'd have to scrape her off A Klingon said hate her dog the floor what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought pick my nose that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go Fish" that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____ (9) (10) 9. 10. our love would never die run off there was no other guy wind up man wasn't meant to fly boogie that Nixon didn't lie yodel her basset hound was shy sky dive that Rolaids made her high turn green she'd have a swiss on rye freak out she loved my one blue eye blast off her brother's name was Hy make it she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out that birthdays made her cry bobsled she couldn't stand my tie grovel ___________; _________ goodbye. (11) (12) 11. 12. with Tony Thaman You'd think at least that she'd have said in my Edsel I never had the chance to say on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked. *** Thomas Kuhn died June 17, and nobody noticed. Well, nobody except The New York Times and The Boston Globe, which were the only major newspapers in the United States to run his obituary that week. If you wanted a testimony to "the dumbing of America," then this was it. A society that worships Forrest Gump and pays $100-million to see Disney bowdlerize Victor Hugo is hardly going to be surprised to learn that Dr. Kuhn is dead; it never even know he was alive. Yet Dr. Kuhn was one of the great figures of our times, and the only philosopher of science to rival Karl Popper in the seductiveness and power of his ideas. He wrote one of the seminal short books of the century, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions, which has sold more than one million copies and is still essential reading for anyone seeking to understand the history or philosophy of science. He coined the phrase "paradigm shift," which is endlessly parroted. And, like Dr. Popper, Dr. Kuhn changed forever the way we think about the nature and production of organized knowledge. What more, one wonders, do you have to do to get an obituary in the Los Angeles Times? -- John Naughton, in the Observer. (reprinted in the July 1, 1996 Globe and Mail) *** Short on suspense, routine in its action and monotonous in its performances, this movie opened yesterday without benefit of press sceenings, usually a sign that the distributors have detected cinematic rigor mortis before audiences formally withdraw such life support systems as tickets, popcorn and the glucose drip of spilled Coke. -- From a review of "The Glimmer Man" by Lawrence van Gelder in the New York Times, October 5, 1996 *** He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. He who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child. Teach him. He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. He who knows and knows that he knows is a wise man. Follow him. -- Arab Proverb (He who knows knots and knows that he knows knots is a mathematician. Worship him. :-) *** It's not my place To run the train The whistle I can't blow It's not my place To say how far The train's allowed to go It's not my place To shoot off steam Nor even clang the bell But let the train once Jump the track.... Then see who catches hell. -- On the wall of the Stationmaster's Office, Grand Central Terminal (Also seen in Korea circa 1965 at an especially appropriate moment.) *** A Summary of the World Facts If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people.......with all existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this: There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere (North and South) and 8 Africans. 51 would be female; 49 male 70 would be nonwhite; 30 white. 70 would be non-Christian; 30 Christian. 50% of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people, and all 6 would be citizens of the United States. 80 would live in substandard housing. 70 unable to read. 50 would suffer from malnutrition. 1 would be near death, 1 would be near birth Only 1 would have a college education. No one would own a computer !! *** At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot. In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy. In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour! On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here? In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends. On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak. In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. On a roller coaster: Watch your head. On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission. On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car. And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign." *** LAWS OF PHYSICS GRAND PRIZE WINNER When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. RUNNERS-UP: #1 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille. #2 Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. #3 Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. #4 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. HONORABLE MENTION: #1 Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis. #2 The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. Besides, they get better gas mileage that way. #3 The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells." *** The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time, Answered! 10. How do I know anything really exists? - Kick it *really* hard. 9. What is the essence of being human? - Not understanding the opposite sex. 8. If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? - Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows. 7. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a computer simulation of life? - Look in the mirror. If you see a gray, spongy thing in a glass container, you are. 6. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies? - If they could, we'd just send our minds to class and sleep in every morning. 5. Is there a God? - A billion Hindus can't be wrong. 4. What is the nature of Knowledge? - I'm still trying to figure out the nature of *college*. 3. What is the meaning of life? - All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate. 2. Why get a Philosophy degree? - It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to drink lots of espresso. 1. So, was Kant on drugs or what? - Probably. *** It is fairly clear that the status of Stanford University within the linguistic sciences at present is roughly comparable to the status of Gengis Khan in Asia during the mid-thirteenth century, except that Stanford has vastly better computational resources than were available to the mongol empire, while Gengis Khan certainly had superior numbers of horses (but no postdocs). -- Geoffrey K. Pullum, _A memo from the Vice Chancellor_ *** Todos tenemos que sonar, y pobresito el que ya no puede porque ya se perdio para siempre. -- Don Carlos Ramon All of us must dream, and pitiable is he who can no longer do so, because he has been lost forever. -- Don Carlos Ramon sonar- ~ over the n perdio- accent over the o Ramon- accent over the o *** If I ever become an Evil Overlord, 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies. 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them. 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible." 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. 15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to active when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. *** Does Santa really exist? 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see p= oint #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II. 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. *** I will not play at tug o' war. I'd rather play at hug o' war, Where everyone hugs Instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles And rolls on the rug, Where everyone kisses, And everyone grins, And everyone cuddles, And everyone wins. -- Shel Silverstein *** ARE YOU NORMAL? (Facts about us Americans. Did you know that...) - Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. - 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. - Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. - 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. - 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. - 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs). - The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. - 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. - 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. - 13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework. - 91% of us lie regularly. - 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. - 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. - 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. - 90% believe in divine retribution. - 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. - 82% believe in an afterlife. - 45% believe in ghosts. - 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. - 29% of us are virgins when we marry. - 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. - 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. - Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old. - 35% give to charity at least once a month. - How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder. - 69% eat the cake before the frosting. - When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. - 85% of us will eat Spam this year. - 70% of us drink orange juice daily. - Snickers is the most popular candy. - 22% of us skip lunch daily. - 9% of us skip breakfast daily. - 66% of us eat cereal regularly. - 22% of all restaurant meals include french fries. - 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. - Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. - 45% use mouthwash every day. - 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. - The typical shower is 101 degrees F. - Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair. - 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. - 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. - 58% of women paint their nails regularly. - 62% of us pop our zits. - 33% of women lie about their weight. - 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. - 57% have had deja vu. - 49% believe in ESP. - 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids. - The average girl starts her period at age 12. - 44% have broken a bone. - Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level. - 14% have attended a self-help meeting. - 15% regularly go to a shrink. - 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. - 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. - 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. - 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. - 23.5% admit they don't always flush. - 45.2% pee in the shower. - 44.9% pee in the ocean. - 28.1% pee in the pool. - 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sing the toilet. - 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host. - 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. - 29% of us ignore RSVP. - 71.6% of us eavesdrop. - 22% are functionally illiterate. - Less than 10% are trilingual. - 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. - 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. - 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. - 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. - 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life. - 40% of us have had music lessons. - 44% reuse tinfoil. - 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. - 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. - 53% read their horoscopes regularly. - 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). - 59% of us say we're average-looking. - 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. - 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers. - 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex. - 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. - On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. - 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. - 2 out of 5 have married their first love. - The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money. - Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. - 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. - 6% propose over the phone. - 71% can drive a stick-shift car. - 45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit. - 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. - 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. - 12% of men never use their car blinkers. - 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. - 25% of us drive after we've been drinking. - 4 out of 5 sing in the car. - The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes. - Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4". - 56% of men have had sex at work. - 1 in 3 of us have had an extramarital affair. - 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs. - 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand. - The most common fantasy is oral sex. - Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold. - 8% of us have regular anal sex. - 58% like dirty talk during sex. - 22% rent porno flicks at least once. *** A story by David Moser... This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second sentence. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic value of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this is a self-referential story, that is, a story containing sentences that refer to their own structure and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending to the first paragraph. This is the first sentence of a new paragraph in a self-referential story. This sentence is introducing you to the protagonist of the story, a young boy named Billy. This sentence is telling you that Billy is blond and blue-eyed and American and twelve years old and strangling his mother. This sentence comments on the awkward nature of the self-referential narrative form while recognizing the strange and playful detachment it affords the writer. As if illustrating the point made by the last sentence, this sentence reminds us, with no trace of facetiousness, that children are a precious gift from God and that the world is a better place when graced by the unique joys and delights they bring to it. This sentence describes Billy's mother's bulging eyes and protruding tongue and makes reference to the unpleasant choking and gagging noises she's making. This sentence makes the observation that these are uncertain and difficult times, and that relationships, even seemingly deep-rooted and permanent ones, do have a tendency to break down. Introduces, in this paragraph, the device of sentence fragments. A sentence fragment. Another. Good device. Will be used more later. This is actually the last sentence of the story but has been placed here by mistake. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself in his bed transformed into a gigantic insect. This sentence informs you that the preceding sentence is from another story entirely (a much better one, it must be noted) and has no place at all in this particular narrative. Despite claims of the preceding sentence, this sentence feels compelled to inform you that the story you are reading is in actuality "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and that the sentence referred to by the preceding sentence is the only sentence which does indeed belong in this story. This sentence overrides the preceding sentence by informing the reader (poor, confused wretch) that this piece of literature is actually the Declaration of Independence, but that the author, in a show of extreme negligence (if not malicious sabotage), has so far failed to include even one single sentence from that stirring document, although he has condescended to use a small sentence fragment, namely, "When in the course of human events", embedded in quotation marks near the end of a sentence. Showing a keen awareness of the boredom and downright hostility of the average reader with regard to the pointless conceptual games indulged in by the preceding sentences, this sentence returns us at last to the scenario of the story by asking the question, "Why is Billy strangling his mother?" This sentence attempts to shed some light on the question posed by the preceding sentence but fails. This sentence, however, succeeds, in that it suggests a possible incestuous relationship between Billy and his mother and alludes to the concomitant Freudian complications any astute reader will immediately envision. Incest. The unspeakable taboo. The universal prohibition. Incest. And notice the sentence fragments? Good literary device. Will be used more later. This is the first sentence in a new paragraph. This is the last sentence in a new paragraph. This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence raises a serious objection to the entire class of self-referential sentences that merely comment on their own function or placement within the story (e.g., the preceding four sentences), on the grounds that they are monotonously predictable, unforgivably self-indulgent, and merely serve to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which at this point seems to concern strangulation and incest and who knows what other delightful topics. The purpose of this sentence is to point out that the preceding sentence, while not itself a member of the class of self-referential sentences it objects to, nevertheless also serves merely to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which actually concerns Gregor Samsa's inexplicable transformation into a gigantic insect (despite the vociferous counterclaims of other well-meaning although misinformed sentences). This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This is almost the title of the story, which is found only once in the story itself. This sentence regretfully states that up to this point the self-referential mode of narrative has had a paralyzing effect on the actual progress of the story itself -- that is, these sentences have been so concerned with analyzing themselves and their role in the story that they have failed by and large to perform their function as communicators of events and ideas that one hopes coalesce into a plot, character development, etc. -- in short, the very raisons d'etre of any respectable, hardworking sentence in the midst of a piece of compelling prose fiction. This sentence in addition points out the obvious analogy between the plight of these agonizingly self-aware sentences and similarly afflicted human beings, and it points out the analogous paralyzing effects wrought by excessive and tortured self-examination. The purpose of this sentence (which can also serve as a paragraph) is to speculate that if the Declaration of Independence had been worded and structured as lackadaisically and incoherently as this story has been so far, there's no telling what kind of warped libertine society we'd be living in now or to what depths of decadence the inhabitants of this country might have sunk, even to the point of deranged and debased writers constructing irritatingly cumbersome and needlessly prolix sentences that sometimes possess the questionable if not downright undesirable quality of referring to themselves and they sometimes even become run-on sentences or exhibit other signs of inexcusably sloppy grammar like unneeded superfluous redundancies that almost certainly would have insidious effects on the lifestyle and morals of our impressionable youth, leading them to commit incest or even murder and maybe that's why Billy is strangling his mother, because of sentences just like this one, which have no discernible goals or perspicuous purpose and just end up anywhere, even in mid Bizarre. A sentence fragment. Another fragment. Twelve years old. This is a sentence that. Fragmented. And strangling his mother. Sorry, sorry. Bizarre. This. More fragments. This is it. Fragments. The title of this story, which. Blond. Sorry, sorry. Fragment after fragment. Harder. This is a sentence that. Fragments. Damn good device. The purpose of this sentence is threefold: (1) to apologize for the unfortunate and inexplicable lapse exhibited by the preceding paragraph; (2) to assure you, the reader, that it will not happen again; and (3) to reiterate the point that these are uncertain and difficult times and that aspects of language, even seemingly stable and deeply rooted ones such as syntax and meaning, do break down. This sentence adds nothing substantial to the sentiments of the preceding sentence but merely provides a concluding sentence to this paragraph, which otherwise might not have one. This sentence, in a sudden and courageous burst of altruism, tries to abandon the self-referential mode but fails. This sentence tries again, but the attempt is doomed from the start. This sentence, in a last-ditch attempt to infuse some iota of story line into this paralyzed prose piece, quickly alludes to Billy's frantic cover-up attempts, followed by a lyrical, touching, and beautifully written passage wherein Billy is reconciled with his father (thus resolving the subliminal Freudian conflicts obvious to any astute reader) and a final exciting police chase scene during which Billy is accidentally shot and killed by a panicky rookie policeman who is coincidentally named Billy. This sentence, although basically in complete sympathy with the laudable efforts of the preceding action-packed sentence, reminds the reader that such allusions to a story that doesn't, in fact, yet exist are no substitute for the real thing and therefore will not get the author (indolent goof-off that he is) off the proverbial hook. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. The purpose. Of this paragraph. Is to apologize. For its gratuitous use. Of. Sentence fragments. Sorry. The purpose of this sentence is to apologize for the pointless and silly adolescent games indulged in by the preceding two paragraphs, and to express regret on the part of us, the more mature sentences, that the entire tone of this story is such that it can't seem to communicate a simple, albeit sordid, scenario. This sentence wishes to apologize for all the needless apologies found in this story (this one included), which, although placed here ostensibly for the benefit of the more vexed readers, merely delay in a maddeningly recursive way the continuation of the by-now nearly forgotten story line. This sentence is bursting at the punctuation marks with news of the dire import of self-reference as applied to sentences, a practice that could prove to be a veritable Pandora's box of potential havoc, for if a sentence can refer or allude to itself, why not a lowly subordinate clause, perhaps this very clause? Or this sentence fragment? Or three words? Two words? One? Perhaps it is appropriate that this sentence gently and with no trace of condescension reminds us that these are indeed difficult and uncertain times and that in general people just aren't nice enough to each other, and perhaps we, whether sentient human beings or sentient sentences, should just try harder. I mean, there is such a thing as free will, there has to be, and this sentence is proof of it! Neither this sentence nor you, the reader, is completely helpless in the face of all the pitiless forces at work in the universe. We should stand our ground, face facts, take Mother Nature by the throat and just try harder. By the throat. Harder. Harder, harder. Sorry. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is the last sentence of the story. This is. Sorry. *** If I ever become an Evil Overlord: 1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies. 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. 6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. 7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible." 8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No". 9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". 11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. 12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. 15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. 16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. 19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. 22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. *** http://www.celebsites.com/dleary_hl.htm Are You Man Enough by Denis Leary Here's a cold hard fact that you must now chew and swallow: if you are reading this, you are not macho. Period. Case closed. Real men do not read anything other than Guns And Ammo, Sports Illustrated, or Shaved Beaver. Do not mention Fire In The Belly. Do not clutch your copy of Iron John. Sit your soft little ass down and listen up. Understanding macho means that you don't possess it. I have proven myself to be the pussy that I am by writing this piece. (I'm wearing a powder blue cotton print shirt and peach panties as I type) [sic] Ernest Hemingway, you say? Wrong. Ernest lived a very macho life and wrote some very macho stories. But Ernest threw it all away by blowing his head off with a shotgun. Very unmacho. Real men do not commit suicide. Real men know just how much life sucks. Real men grit their teeth and take it bill after bill, war after war, tumor after tumor. You don't greet Death, you punch him in the throat repeatedly as he drags you away. I think John Wayne said it best when he said, "Fuck Death and the lung cancer he rode in on." Macho is a very slippery thing. You don't read about it, you don't write about it, you don't even know the correct spelling of the word. In a vain attempt to keep some semblance of masculinity, I didn't research the roots of the word while writing this article, but I can only assume that "macho" comes from "machismo," which sounds a hell of a lot like machine. Being macho implies a tough, hard, blocklike approach full of pistons and rods and axles and other big steel-type stuff. It's hard to live by the old macho code these days. They've chipped away at it over the years, slowly but surely. Drinking has been reduced to a few beers or a couple of whiskeys, if that. Otherwise, your AA friends begin to stare across the table with that "I personally think you have a problem and that all alcohol should be banned so that I won't feel the urge to drink myself into a naked stupor but I'm not gonna say anything" look on their faces. No mess, no mauling, no mistress, no mas. Fom time to time, people try to use macho as an image builder. Bush tries to make himself seem like a card-carrying Mace Club member. He's not. The last macho pres. we had was FDR. FDR-a man stricken by polio, stuck in a wheelchair, fighting the Nazis all the while smoking 3 & 1/2 packs a day. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!" Yeah, and staircases, of course. And soccer and dancing. I think the death of macho is easily located on a very recent map. Sometime in the late '70s-right around the time the Village People released "Macho Man" and Barry Manilow sang "Copacabana" and Robby Benson was mewling his way into the hearts of teenage ultra-virgin, men made a serious mistake. We started TALKING to each other. We stopped punching each other and began discussing why we wanted to punch each other. I'll bet my right nut that if I had done some research, I would have found a dramatic decline in facial cuts and brain contusions starting in 1977. Now we're supposed to be sensitive. We are supposed to share our feelings and cry at funerals and care about our hair. We're, in short, supposed to be women. Hello, my name is Shirley. Touch me in the morning. I believe in equal rights. I believe that women should get equal pay for equal jobs. I believe women should have control of their bodies and be in positions of power. I believe we should have the same size shoulder pads in our suits. But I also believe that men should be men and women should be, well, women. Women should be soft and smart and mysterious. And men should have their own tools. I pine for the sheer stupidity of the old macho days, when men would brandish hammers and build huge, bulky cars that sucked up gas and tore open the ozone layer and crushed small animals beneath totally useless but totally cool-looking tail fins. When men were apes with good shoes and a dental plan. John Wayne, John Huston, Bill Holden, Bob Mitchum, Clark Gable, Babe Ruth, Lee Marvin, Sam Peckinpah. Men who drank and fought and puked and ate raw meat right off the bone and drank some more and fought some more and puked again and kept on drinking. Men who died of massive heart attacks or sudden brain seizures or who just plain fucking blew up. Men who had cancer six or seven times. Men made out of leather. My dad was one of these men. My dad once cut off his thumb with a power saw, duct-taped it back on, and drove himself to the hospital smoking a Camel un-filtered on the way. My dad's theory was simple: no pain-no fucking pain. My dad smoked 5 packs a day, worked 3 jobs 7 days a week, ate beef for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. One night in 1985, he ate a big steak dinner with a side order of bacon and extra steak fries. He ordered some coffee, sat back, lit up a cigarette, and exploded. I don't wanna hear about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even Arnold caved in. In Terminator 2, he was all of a sudden Mr. Caring Guy, protecting the kid and hoping the earth wouldn't end. Bullshit. There was even a sequence at the end of the movie where a huge truck full of flammable liquid tears down a highway for about 3 minutes and then doesn't blow up. A sign of the times if ever there was one. Every real man knows the 1 golden rule of macho movie making: if you see a truck on screen, blow it up. In Thelma & Louise, the women saw a truck. What did they do? Susan Sarandon pulled out her gun and blew the truck way the fuck up. Another sign of the times. Arnold's tromping around praying for the earth to save itself and Ms. Davis and Ms. Sarandon are drinking and shooting and screwing their way all over the macho west. Citizen Kane? A masterpiece. But every real man knows it would have been better if a huge Mack truck with the word ROSEBUD emblazoned on the trailer drove through the front gate of the mansion and then KAA-POWWWWW! Another movie matter I'd like to get off my girly little chest: asses. Part of this new male code has men baring their butts on screen the way women used to do. Mel Gibson, Kevin Costner, Michael Douglas, and of course, Arnold. Hey if I wanted to see Kevin Costner's ass, I would've married him. You never saw Bob Mitchum's ass. I am in a macho movie called GUNMEN, and I can guarantee you that you never see my ass on any screen but if you do, it will not be shaved. It will be hairy and hoary and very, very white. Our macho movie idols have changed forever. No wonder they end up baring it all. Listen to the names--Mel, Kevin, Michael, Arnold. In the old days movie stars had real names: John, Bill, Duke, Buck, Chuck, Rip. Kevin sounds like your skinny Irish cousin with the big Coke bottle glasses and a heat rash; Mel, the guy in charge of aisle five at Woolworth's. ("Excuse me Mel, where are the light bulbs?") It's getting very bad, boys. We don't blow up trucks anymore. Hell, we don't even drive trucks anymore. We drive simple little Japanese cars with air bags. In the old days we used to rip out the seat belts and fly through the windshield ready for action. "Thrown from the car." Remember that phrase in accident reports? Always the sign of a very macho driver. We seem a little more sorry, a little more plump, a lot more ladylike around the edges. If you really want to reclaim your macho self, if you really want to be a macho, macho man, stop reading this article. If you are still reading, you probably need a little more help. Forget Robert Bly or "Fire In Your Prostate." Don't go on a Male-Bonding Self-Discovery Weekend, which is just another term for Circle Jerk as far as I'm concerned. Here, instead, is a guide: BALLS, A.K.A. COJONES: You should have several. Preferably brass or steel. Extra large. CRYING: Never. Ever. Over anything. Not death in the family, not a bullet in the chest. You may tear up ever so slightly in one eye only when watching a favorite sports legend retire. You may tear up in both eyes only when kicked, accidentally or on purpose, in the COJONES. KISSING: see "SPORTS" HUGGING: see "SPORTS" SPORTS: Once all men within reach are dressed in a team uniform, it is perfectly acceptable to kiss and hug and grab each other's ass. This is probably because all men are latent homosexuals and prefer male company to female company. But if some guy points out this fact to you, punch him directly in the throat. (Optional retorts: "Prefer this!" or "Fuck You!" or " Shut the fuck up!" HEALTH: Never go to the hospital or visit a doctor. If you have a stroke, keep drinking and act like you prefer to use only one side of your body. If you cut off a limb while using a power tool--so what? That's why there's duct tape and staple guns. If someone tries to drive you to the hospital after a heart attack or maiming, punch him in the throat. (Optional retorts: "Drive This!" or "Fuck you!" or "Shut the fuck up!") DIET: meat, cigarettes, meat, booze, meat, and coffee. In case of aneurysm or alcohol-induced coma, see "HEALTH." FIGHTING: At all times, over anything. Never hit a woman. Or a child. Or a bus. Never hit a priest until he takes off his collar. (If it's the pope, wait until he removes the large hat.) Clergy will often provoke a punch in the throat with their "violence doesn't prove anything" pontifications. (Optional retorts: "Prove this!" or "Fuck you Father!" or "Shut the fuck up, Padre!") DRINKING: No falling down. No puking--unless to empty the stomach in order to continue drinking. No slurring of words. Tell a few war stories: "See that scar? I was in 'Nam and I ate a grenade and it blew up in my colon." If your aim is off due to alcohol, it's acceptable to punch someone in the head or solar plexus. SEX: You're probably too drunk or just plain stupid to have sex but pretend you get a lot, i.e. "You should've seen me last night, blah, blah, blah, blah." Absorb this info and you should be on your way. If you have any further questions, call 1-800-COJONES. Remember: We're men. Big, boxy, sweaty, ignorant men. We have penises. Well, we used to have penises. Either way, I think Billy Martin, the late Yankees manager, said it best when he said, "Hey, I can drive." *** Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works. The design of the Mac wasn't what it looked like, although that was part of it. Primarily, it was how it worked. To design something really well, you have to get it. You have to really grok what it's all about. It takes a passionate commitment to really thoroughly understand something, chew it up, not just quickly swallow it. Most people don't take the time to do that. Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they didn't really do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while. That's because they were able to connect experiences they've had and synthesize new things. And the reason they were able to do that was that they've had more experiences or they have thought more about their experiences than other people. Unfortunately, that's too rare a commodity. A lot of people in our industry haven't had very diverse experiences. So they don't have enough dots to connect, and they end up with very linear solutions without a broad perspective on the problem. The broader one's understanding of the human experience, the better design we will have. -- Steve Jobs, Wired magazine *** Date: Sat, 18 Jan 1997 08:02:00 -0600 From: Randall Woodman Subject: 25 rules for Women 25 rules for Women (Composed by Men) 1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. 2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner. 3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store. 4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? 5. Butthead is the smart one. 6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? 7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. 8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." 9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping. 10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer. 11. Socks never constitute a gift. Unless they're coolmax! 12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby. 13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. 14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. 15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. 16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld." 17. Curley is the bald one. 18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours. 19. Sports Illustrated and Runners World are better magazines than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. 20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together. 21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hillary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to. 22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post- coital conversation are not. 23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better. 24. No, you can't have the remote control. 25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort. *** Date: Sat, 18 Jan 1997 16:36:31 -0800 From: Ed Lambert Subject: Our money's worth - political, maybe offensive to the poor The Second Time Around from the LA Times By Washington standards, the $30 million being spent on inagural festvities is mere chump change. But out here in the real world, the rest of us could probably better ways to spend that kind of money. Here are a few things $30 million might buy: 10 million trips across the Golden Gate Bridge. Okay, it doesn't exactly lead to the 21st century, but you get the idea. 1,156,069 copies of Dick Morris' new book, "Behind the Oval Office". Or, 150,000 business hours with his hooker friend. 30 Tomahawk missiles. Or, 4 million surplus military blankets for the homeless. 19,108,280 complete holiday meals, complete with turkey, dressing, veggies, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce and pie, as served by the Los Angeles Mission. Computer for 20,000 elementary school students. Shoes for 1.2 million people. Meals on Wheels for 12 million elderly people. Michael Jordan's services for one season. The cost of making half of the movie "Evita". One third of Michael Ovitz' severance pay from Disneyland. 394 Mercedes Benz S420 cars. Or, 1,570 Ford Taurus GL's. 60 million Winchell's doughnuts - handy in case you get pulled over for speeding... or 10% of the expected cost of the Los Angeles Dodgers. (It's a ballpark figure) *** The SPT (Originally by Dan Judd) It happens to all of us. You are sitting with a group of friends and all of a sudden you are overwhelmed by the urge to tell a long somewhat improbable story that ends with a pun. Loud groans are made and you are pelted with pillows, cushions, paper, garbage and anything else that comes to hand. Why does this happen, and why do certain people seem to be more likely to be stricken with this dread disease. Dubbed SPS (Shaggy Pun Syndrome) by prominent psychologists, this illness has baffled scientists. What causes it; love of groaning sounds, subconscious desires to be hit with loose objects in the room, or some deeper cause such as becoming fixated at the silly phase. Whatever the cause, SPS can become a serious mental illness, and if unchecked in its early phases, can result in minor injury (from beatings), major injury (from worse beatings), and even death (from still worse beatings). Don't despair, treatment is becoming available, ranging from oral counseling, to gags, to tongue removal. As an early warning device the SPT (Shaggy Pun Test) has been developed, based on the idea that retention of puns can lead to SPS the SPT is a collection of "punch lines" from said stories, recognition of over a critical number can indicate serious potential for SPS. If caught early enough it is hoped that the puns maybe removed by surgical means. To take the SPT merely make an x beside each punch line that you either remember the story that goes with it, or that you can easily build a story to fit. Remember a score of 100% is not necessarily desirable. __1. The squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the other two squires. __2. Two obese Patties / special Ross / Lester Cheese picking bunions / on a Sesame Street bus! __3. MORAL: Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers. __4. MORAL: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. __5. MORAL: Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken. __6. MORAL: If the foo shits, wear it. __7. Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis __8. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this. __9. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. _10. I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco. _11. MORAL: A niche in time saves Stein. _12. SOW ROPE, NATEY-O! _13. Well, there's something about an aqua volvo, man... _14. MORAL: A washed pot never oils. _15. Transporting mynas over sedate lions for immortal porpoises. [Other version of the punch line: Carrying gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.] _16. It's a long way to tip a Raree. _17. Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear. _18. For making an obscene clone fall. _19. Doctor, the thong is ended, but the malady lingers on! _20. Where were you when the fit hit the Shan? _21. ... They had left no tern unstoned. _22. ... Abscess make the fart go HONDA! _23. Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids! _24. These are the 'times' that dry men's soles. [Alternate: These are the soles that time men's tries] _25. And he thus became the first chicken to catch a Tory. _26. The next day, the headline in the paper read "Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers". _27. Ike's Aunt gets nose hat is fact, son _28. Dee, who flaps last, flaps left _29. That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us. _30. The first time a reign was called on account of the game. _31. Opporknockity tunes but once. [Alternate: O'Pernokkety tunes but once.] _32. Came the reply: "That was no laser--that was my knife!" _33. Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars! _34. Stop right where you are, boyfoot bear with teak of Chan! _35. A gritty pearl is Michael, LLD. _36. Which just goes to show that, a Benny shaved is a Benny urned. _37. Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes? _38. We have come to seize your berries, not to appraise them. _39. When you're out of slits, you're out of pier! _40. We can't have archaic and edict, too. _41. Contributing to the delinquency of a miner! _42. I'm booking over that 4 clove leaver, though I've overcooked before! _43. Knick Knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan. _44. Another case where the spirit was willing but the flush was weak. _45. Time's fun when your having flies. _46. A fiery "stead with the spite of Leed, A clout of dust And a hearty "Buy old Silver!" _47. It's a rambling rack from George the Turk with an elephant engineer! _48. All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen. _49. MORAL: Let a swine be your gorilla in a grainy, grainy bay. And if your Swede decries, just tell her that a swine will always pay... _50. ... Stilling two birds with one's cone. _51. General Minh prefer bronze. _52. With fronds like these, who needs anemones? _53. Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more! _54. Better Nate than lever. _55. The hills are alive with the hounds of Munich. _56. He who has a Tate's is lost. _57. Artie chokes 3 for a dollar at local market. _58. MORAL: A stolen roan gathers no moose. _59. ... but actually mah hammered alley is really cashews clay. _60. ... but of course, the Czech is always in the male. _61. The star mangled spanner. _62. See! Even adders can multiply on a log table. _63. MORAL: You can't have your kayak and heat it too. _64. You fools! We have ways to make you tock! _65. I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell. _66. No, I'm a frayed knot. _67. Because Herman the German was used to hard ships. _68. I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother. _69. You're thor!!! I can't even thit!! _70. She is just suffering from pre-minstrel tension. _71. Yeast is yeast, and nest is next and never the Maine shall tweet. _72. A botched twat never toils. _73. There must be fifty ways to love your lever. _74. Gladly, my cross-eyed bear. Scoring: 0 - 10 No danger (healthy) 11 - 25 Minor SPS (Recommend therapy) 26 - 40 Moderate SPS (Recommend gag) 41 - 52 Punster -- major SPS (Recommend tongue removal) 53 - 73 Paronomisiac -- extreme SPS (Recommend lobotomy) 74 You will be supported in your attempt to take over the HUMOR list. *** Harmless Pranks 1. Unscrew top of salt shaker, put pepper-filled napkin inside, replace top and tear off excess napkin. 2. Smear peanut butter on toilet seat. When housemate/family member discovers it, come in, taste it, and say, "Yup, that's mine!" 3. Blindfold victim.. Have them put their hand in a bowl of olives. If they guess, "Olives", say, "Nope, them's sheep eyeballs!" 4. Put crayons in the pockets of their jeans on laundry day. 5. Practice knife throwing against your closet door while cranking Beethoven. 6. Sneak into room while their sleeping. Point pair of flashlights at their eyelids from across the room. Move closer while yelling, "Lookout... It's a runaway TRUCK!" *** ONE RICH POOR MAN A tax auditor came, years ago, to a poor servant of the Lord to determine the amount of taxes he would have to pay. "What property do you possess?" asked the auditor. "I am very wealthy," replied the Christian. "List your possessions, please," the auditor instructed. "First, I have everlasting life (John 3:16). I also have a mansion in heaven (John 14:2). I have a peace that passes understanding (Philippians 4:7). I have a faithful wife (Proverbs 31:10). I have healthy, happy, obedient children (Exodus 20:12). I have true, loyal friends (Proverbs 18:24). I have songs in the night (Psalm 42:8). I have a crown of life (James 1:2). I have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who supplies all my needs (Philippians 4:19)." The auditor closed his book and said, "Truly you are a very rich man, but your property is not subject to taxation." (A Man and His World, Church Development Resources, Grand Rapids, Mich., 1988, p. 8) *** (T)he International Standards Organization (ISO) and the International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated Oct. 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those volunteers who have worked hard to define international standards ... The United States celebrated World Standards Day on Oct. 11; Finland celebrated on Oct. 13; and Italy celebrated on Oct. 18. -- Open Systems Today, 10/31/94 *** The Eagle soars in the summit of Heaven, The Hunter with his dogs pursues his circuit. O perpetual revolution of configured stars, O perpetual recurrence of determined seasons, O world of spring and autumn, birth and dying! The endless cycle of idea and action, Endless invention, endless experiment, Brings knowledge of motion, but not of stillness; Knowledge of speech, but not of silence; Knowledge of words, and ignorance of the Word. All our knowledge brings us nearer to our ignorance, All our ignorance brings us nearer to death, But nearness to death no nearer to God. Where is the Life we have lost in living? Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? Where is the knowledge we have lost in information? The cycles of Heaven in twenty centuries Bring us farther from God and nearer to the Dust. -- T. S. Eliot, Choruses from "The Rock" [found on David Walker's web page: http://mothra.nts.uci.edu:80/~dhwalker/DWEnvironment.html] *** This is the third of four lectures on a rather difficult subject - the theory of quantum electrodynamics - and since there are obviously more people here tonight than there were before, some of you haven't heard the other two lectures and will find this lecture almost incomprehensible. Those of you who *have* heard the other two lectures will also find this lecture incomprehensible, but you know that that's all right: as I explained in the first lecture, the way we have to descibe Nature is generally incomprehensible to us. -- Richard Feynman, from a lecture published in the book QED *** The late Michael O'Donoghue, who wrote for the screen and for TV's 'Saturday Night Live,' described the significance of the future by saying, 'The year 2000 will bring rule by multinational corporations that will make you nostalgic for nationalism - the old Rudyard Kipling, "Let's fight for the White Cliffs of Dover" sort of thing, which seemed evil at the time, but these corporations will gladly grind up the White Cliffs of Dover to make gravel for your driveway, without a second's hesitation, for the highest bidder. -- the _New Yorker_ *** DATING DON'TS FOR GUYS There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?" "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired." "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin." "I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you." "People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell." "I used to come here all the time with my ex." "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it." "Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour." "I like clay. It's mushy." "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look." "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest." "I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask." "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am." "Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast." *** At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. This is part of the responsibility we accord our licensed jesters, that nothing be excused the searching light of comedy. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted. -- Eric Idle *** WINNERS OF THE "WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN IN A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY" CONTEST He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. *** Subject: Is hell endothermic or exothermic? A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. It was not revealed what grade the student got. *** Dear Friends, I wish to warn you about a new crime ring that is targeting business travelers. This ring is well organized, well funded, has very skilled personnel, and is currently in most major cities and recently very active in New Orleans. The crime begins when a business traveler goes to a lounge for a drink at the end of the work day. A person in the bar walks up as they sit alone and offers to buy them a drink. The last thing the traveler remembers until they wake up in a hotel room bath tub, their body submerged to their neck in ice, is sipping that drink. There is a note taped to the wall instructing them not to move and to call 911. A phone is on a small table next to the bathtub for them to call. The business traveler calls 911 who have become quite familiar with this crime. The business traveler is instructed by the 911 operator to very slowly and carefully reach behind them and feel if there is a tube protruding from their lower back. The business traveler finds the tube and answers, "Yes." The 911 operator tells them to remain still, having already sent paramedics to help. The operator knows that both of the business traveler's kidneys have been harvested. This is not a scam or out of a science fiction novel, it is real. It is documented and confirmable. If you travel or someone close to you travels, please be careful. Regards, Jerry Mayfield Austin Ops Engineering Manager Telephone: 512-433-6855 Pager: 512-613-3710 *** Why did the chicken cross the road? ... Andersen Consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful. *** One of the old ones looked up at me as though I had just come and said, "What you work at, boy?" "I don't," I said. "Porely?" he asked. "Not porely," I said. "It is just I lack ambition." Which was God's truth, I reckoned, as I walked on down the street. -- Robert Penn Warren's novel All the King's Men, 1946 *** Slightly Less Common Latin Phrases Vacca foeda Stupid cow Die dulci fruere. Have a nice day. Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi. Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog. Raptus regaliter Royally screwed Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes! If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin! Sona si Latine loqueris. Honk if you speak Latin. Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum! Don't you dare erase my hard disk! Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head. Gramen artificiosum odi. I hate Astroturf. Furnulum pani nolo. I don't want a toaster. Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me. Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione. I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult. Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo. Don't call me, I'll call you. Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules. If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults. Canis meus id comedit. My dog ate it. Illiud Latine dici non potest. You can't say that in Latin. Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas? Seen any good movies lately? Nullo metro compositum est. It doesn't rhyme. Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema. I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem. Fac ut gaudeam. Make my day. Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur! Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket! Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio. Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway. Re vera, potas bene. Say, you sure are drinking a lot. Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant! May barbarians invade your personal space! Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant! May conspirators assassinate you in the mall! Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant! May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy! Radix lecti Couch potato Quo signo nata es? What's your sign? Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt. You know, the Romans invented the art of love. O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem! Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm! Spero nos familiares mansuros. I hope we'll still be friends. Mellita, domi adsum. Honey, I'm home. Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio. I am as dead as the nehru jacket. Ventis secundis, tene cursum. Go with the flow. Totum dependeat. Let it all hang out. Te precor dulcissime supplex! Pretty please with a cherry on top! Magister Mundi sum! I am the Master of the Universe! Fac me cocleario vomere! Gag me with a spoon! Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre? Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me? Prehende uxorem meam, sis! Take my wife, please! Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Nihil est--in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui. That's nothing--in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor. Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est. Yes, that is a very large amount of corn. Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem! Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business. Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras! I forgot to polish the clocks! Vescere bracis meis. Eat my shorts. Sic faciunt omnes. Everyone is doing it. Fac ut vivas. Get a life. Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus! Let's all wear mood rings! Insula Gilliganis Gilligan's Island *** Subject: Useful Hostage Phrases If you are ever travelling in Arabia, you may find it useful to know these simple phrases. For the sake of the Islam nation, be it known that only 2% of the population belongs to the radical extremist faction of the religion who are responsible for all the terrorism. Most Muslims are very nice people, I'm sure. Remember, this is only a joke... *********************************************************** -=- USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN -=- TRAVELLING IN MOSLEM AREAS: --------------------------------------------------------- AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. --------------------------------------------------------- FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. --------------------------------------------------------- SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE. I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. --------------------------------------------------------- AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST. It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. --------------------------------------------------------- FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will glady reciprocate by betraying my country in public. --------------------------------------------------------- KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMERIKAHEY. I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters. --------------------------------------------------------- BALLI, BALLI, BALLI ! Whatever you say! --------------------------------------------------------- MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN. The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency. --------------------------------------------------------- TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe. *** Form: Length of Residence... My Answer: 73 feet Form: Are you a leader or a follower ? My Answer: A leader, but w/o many followers Form: Reason for requesting employment My Answer: Money Form: Pet Aversions My Answer: None, I love animals Form: Beneficiary My Answer: Wife Form: Relationship My Answer: Strained Form: Purpose of withdraw My Answer: Get money to spend Form: Person to notify in Case of Accident My Answer: Anyone in sight Form: Number of passengers in vehicle during accident My Answer: Three Form: Disposition of passengers My Answer: Mad as Hell ! Form: Number of employees in your office, broken down by sex My Answer: None that I know of, Liquor a much larger problem *** In the beginning there was Aristotle, And objects at rest tended to remain at rest, And objects in motion tended to come to rest, And soon everything was at rest, And God saw that it was boring. Then God created Newton, And objects at rest tended to remain at rest, But objects in motion tended to remain in motion, And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved and matter was conserved, And God saw that it was conservative. Then God created Einstein, And everything was relative, And fast things became short, And straight things became curved, And the universe was filled with inertial frames, And God saw that it was relatively general, but some of it was especially relative. Then God created Bohr, And there was the principle, And the principle was quantum, And all things were quantized, But some things were still relative, And God saw that it was confusing. Then God was going to create Fergeson, And Fergeson would have unified, And he would have fielded a theory, And all would have been one, But it was the seventh day, And God rested, And objects at rest tend to remain at rest. -- Tim Joseph *** Drug dealers Software developers --------------------------- --------------------------- Refer to their clients Refer to their clients as "users". as "users". "The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version!" Have important South-East Have important South-East Asian connections Asian connections (to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code). Strange jargon: Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM," "Dime bag," "E". "Java," "ISDN". Realize that there's Realize that there's tons of cash in the tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old market. market. Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by industry's producing industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines. Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture capitalists. Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem unhealthy addictions. 3D. 'Nuff said. Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. *** The Talking Frog ================ A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." *** Recently, the Minnesota Orchestra was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims..... Now at this point, you must understand two things: 1. There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. 2. There is a night club right across the street from the Minnesota's Orchestra Hall, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and drink a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late." Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." So they had another round, and finally returned to the Opera house, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious! And why not? After all... It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied. *** GREEN EGGS & HAMLET I ask to be, or not to be. That is the question, I ask of me. This sullied life, it makes me shudder. My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother. Would I, could I take my life? Could I, should I, end this strife? Should I jump out of a plane? Or throw myself before a train? Should I from a cliff just leap? Could I put myself to sleep? Shoot myself, or take some poison? Maybe try self immoloition? To shudder off this mortal coil, I could stab myself with a fencing foil. Slash my wrists while in the bath? Would it end my angst and wrath? To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub. I could drop a toaster in my tub. Would all be glad, if I were dead? Could I perhaps kill them instead? This line of thought takes consideration - For I'm the king of procrastination. *** Cultural Differences Explained ============================== Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club. Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves. Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness. Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them. Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem. Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball. Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby. Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball. Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in. Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English". Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English". Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island. Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country. Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers. *** As Owen Barfield once said to me, 'The trouble about insects is that they are like French locomotives-they have all the works on the outside.' The works-that is the trouble. Their angular limbs, their jerky movements, their dry, metallic noises, all suggest either machines that have come to life or life degenerating into mechanism. You may add that in the hive and the anthill we see fully realized the two things that some of us most dread for our own species-the dominance of the female and the dominance of the collective. -- C.S. Lewis, in _Surprised by Joy_ *** A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room." *** 30 years from now the big university campuses will be relics. Universities won't survive. It's as large a change as when we first got the printed book. Do you realize that the cost of higher education has risen as fast as the cost of health care? ... Such totally uncontrollable expenditures, without any visible improvement in either the content or the quality of education, means that the system is rapidly becoming untenable. Higher education is in deep crisis... Already we are beginning to deliver more lectures and classes off campus via satellite or two-way video at a fraction of the cost. The college won't survive as a residential institution. -- Renowned management consultant Peter Drucker, Forbes 10 Mar 97 *** By substituting dogma and abstraction for coherent narrative and historical fact, the judge [Robert H. Bork] can imagine the wreck of American civilization, that once noble work of Christian conscience, having been caused by a small band of traitorous intellectuals who, on or about the same day that the Beatles first showed up in America, bludgeoned the security guards surrounding the nations top disc jockeys, gained access to the control booths, destroyed the Perry Como records, and broadcast "All You Need Is Love" to thirty million teenagers, all of them ripe with sexual yearning, who heard the song on their portable radios and so began to dance, naked and tumescent and unashamed, on the grave of Ralph Waldo Emerson. -- Lewis H. Lapham in Harper's (December 1996), commenting on Robert Bork's odd view of American history. *** In the beginning there was Aristotle, And objects at rest tended to remain at rest, And objects in motion tended to come to rest, And soon everything was at rest, And God saw that it was boring. Then God created Newton, And objects at rest tended to remain at rest, But objects in motion tended to remain in motion, And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved and matter was conserved, And God saw that it was conservative. Then God created Einstein, And everything was relative, And fast things became short, And straight things became curved, And the universe was filled with inertial frames, And God saw that it was relatively general, but some of it was especially relative. Then God created Bohr, And there was the principle, And the principle was quantum, And all things were quantized, But some things were still relative, And God saw that it was confusing. Then God was going to create Fergeson, And Fergeson would have unified, And he would have fielded a theory, And all would have been one, But it was the seventh day, And God rested, And objects at rest tend to remain at rest. -- Tim Joseph *** Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly grey, It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA. It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan, It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone. And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more, They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door. It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll, There were too many lamby clones, for Mary to control. No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary, So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary. But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary, One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary... *** St. Partrick was a gentleman who through strategy and stealth drove all the snakes from Ireland. Here's a toasting to his health- but not too many toastings lest you lose yourself and then forget the good St. Patrick and see all those snakes again. *** On the seventh day, God rested. He kicked off his shoes, opened a can of Budweiser and slumped on the couch to watch TV. Since it was the Sabbath, he thought he ought to watch something religious. And there was the Reverend (Bill) Moyers... God watched and scowled and grumbled. 'They're leaving out some of my best stuff. What about my creating the whole damn world? -- Just like the media -- pass up the good news and zero in on the screwups.' ... God zapped over to the American Movie Classics and caught Charlton Heston in 'The Ten Commandments.' Now that's religion,' he sighed. -- From a review of Bill Moyers' new PBS series, "Genesis: A Living Conversation," by Raymond Schroth, a Jesuit priest, in the National Catholic Reporter *** I have been persuaded time and time again that a huge potential of good will is slumbering within our society. It is just that it's incoherent, suppressed, confused, crippled, and perplexed - as though it does not know what to rely on, where or how to find meaningful outlets. In such a state of affairs, politicians have a duty to awaken this slumbering potential, to offer it direction and ease its passage, to encourage it and give it room, or simply hope. It is largely up to the politicians which social forces they choose to liberate and which they choose to suppress, whether they rely on the good in each citizen or the bad. -- Czech president and playwright Vaclav Havel *** Luke: "You fought in the clone wars?" Ben: "I was once a Jedi Knight the same as your father." Luke: "My father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a space freighter." Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should stay home. Not gotten involved." Luke: "I wish I had known him." Ben: "He was a cunning warrior, and the best star pilot in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was a good friend. For over a thousand years the Jedi Knight protected the galaxy. Before the dark times. Before the Empire" Luke: "How did my father die?" Ben: "A young Jedi Knight named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Emperor hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force." Luke: "The Force?" Ben: "Yes, the Force is what gives a Jedi Knight his power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us. Penetrates us. Binds the galaxy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow. He thought you'd follow Obi-Wan on some idealistic crusade." Luke: "What is it?" Ben: "It a lightsaber. The weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as random or clumsy as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civilized age." *** Tin Wedding Whistle by Ogden Nash Though you know it anyhow Listen to me, darling, now, Proving what I need not prove How I know I love you, love. Near and far, near and far, I am happy where you are; Likewise I have never larnt How to be it where you aren't. Far and wide, far and wide, I can walk with you beside; Furthermore, I tell you what, I sit and sulk where you are not. Visitors remark my frown When you're upstairs and I am down, Yes, and I'm afraid I pout When I'm indoors and you are out; But how contentedly I view Any room containing you. In fact I care not where you be, Just as long as it's with me. In all your absences I glimpse Fire and flood and trolls and imps. Is your train a minute slothful? I goad the stationmaster wrothful. When with friends to bridge you drive I never know if you're alive, And when you linger late in shops I long to telephone the cops. Yet how worth the waiting for, To see you coming through the door. Somehow, I can be complacent Never but with you adjacent. Near and far, near and far, I am happy where you are; Likewise, I have never larnt How to be it where you aren't. Then grudge me not my fond endeavor, To hold you in my sight forever; Let none, not even you, disparage Such valid reason for a marriage. *** I have an earache... 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. *** The best description I ever found of what it's like to be a political reporter appeared, curiously enough, in Natural History magazine, deftly sandwiched into an article by a female biologist who studies the diet of the muriqui monkey. Anyone who has ever chased a politician around trying to get a usable quote will be stunned by the accuracy of this scientific account of the procedure: 'Occasionally the feces land neatly in my glove, but more often they splatter uselessly in the tangled vegetation--or else fall alongside another muriqui's feces, so that I cannot tell whose is whose. So even though the muriquis defecate often and, in the case of adults abundantly each time, getting a clean sample sometimes means tailing one muriqui for up to six hours without pause.' -- Molly Ivins in Nothing But Good Times Ahead, 1994 *** PULP DICTION (From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book "Sex and Zen & a Bullet in the Head," to be published in August by Fireside.) I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. Gun wounds again? Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! You daring lousy guy. Beat him out of recognizable shape! I have been scared ralph reedless too much lately. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. How can you use my intestines as a gift? The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? *** Date: Mon, 24 Mar 1997 07:28:35 EST From: JOHN STONE Subject: Humor: what I have learned from my kids Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding) ------------------------------------------------------------- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded resturant If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room Baseballs make marks on ceilings You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak ------- it explodes A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old Duplos will not 'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence SuperGlue is forever McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know Ditto Tarzan No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water Pool filters do not like Jello VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do Garbage bags do not make good parachutes Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving You probably do not want to know what that odor is Always look in the oven before you turn it on Plastic toys do not like ovens The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy It will, however, make cats dizzy Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry' A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect) *** Computer Terms as defined by Rural Canadians Log On: Making the wood stove hotter. Log Off: Don't add wood. Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove. Download: Getting the firewood off the pickup. Mega Hertz: When you're not careful downloading (watch the toes!) Floppy Disk: What you get from piling too much wood. RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work. Hard Drive: Getting home in mud season. Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season. Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below. Screen: What you need for black fly season. Byte: What black flies do. Chip: What to munch on. Micro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone. Infrared: Where the leftovers go when Fred's around. Modem: What you did to the hay fields. Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife. Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy. Keyboard: Where you hang your keys. Software: Plastic eating utensils. Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn. Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up. Port: Fancy wine. Enter: C'mon in! Random Access Memory: You can't remember how much that new rifle cost when your wife asks. *** Mary had a little lamb... Its fleece was slightly grey. It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA. It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan; It's not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone. And soon it had a fellow clone, and soon it had some more. They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door. It made the children laugh and sing, and thrilled them to the soul, But there were just too many clones, for Mary to control. No one else could herd the sheep, their imprints didn't vary. The cloners sought to fix it up, by simply cloning Mary. So clone they did, and Newsweek said it was extraordinary, But now they don't know what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary... -- anonymous genetic researcher *** Before you read on...choose your favorite marshmellow bit from Lucky Charms..... Pink hearts Yellow moons Orange stars green clovers blue diamonds purple horseshoes those icky oat bits Ok...have you got one in mind? Now you can read on...and don't change it! Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true--just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality: Green clovers: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up. Blue diamonds: If your favorite marhmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love. Orange Stars: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love. Pink hearts: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor. Purple horseshoes: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next? Yellow Moons: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple horseshoes out of her cereal as soon as she opens the box. Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type. *** Late in 1843 young Mendel entered the Augustinian monastery in Altbrunn, at which time, as a novice, he adopted the name Gregor to replace his christened Johann. After four years of clerical training, he was ordained a priest, in 1848. At that time. the Augustinian order staffed elementary schools in the Austrian empire, and Mendel was assigned a position as a substitute teacher in high school. To become a regular teacher, however, he had to take a state examination for certificatioon. He took such an examination in 1850, and failed. About 50 years later, another young German, A. Einstein took a similar examination and he too failed. From these incidents, I have concluded that the German examination system is a remarkably effective device for detecting geniuses. -- I. H. Klein, "Diamond Dealers and Feather Merchants" *** Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too. Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday. *** BEST RUM CAKE EVER 1 or 2 quarts rum baking powder 1c. butter 1tsp. soda 1tsp. sugar lemon juice 2 large eggs brown sugar 1c. dried fruit nuts Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum is of the finest quality-- try another cup. Open second quart, if necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the rum again, and bo to ged. *** Johnnie Walker Gold Label is an inspired blend of rare, aged whiskies. The full aroma, smooth, rich character and uniquely long, lingering finish make it like no other whisky. At its heart is the rare malt, clynelish, distilled using spring waters which run through hills containing veins of pure gold. This unique whiky will add new dimensions to your drinking enjoyment. -- 1 Litre of JWGL, a specially selected blend of rare 18-year aged whiskies. 43% alcohol by volume. :) *** This is a story about the bee, Its sex is very hard to see, But she can tell and so can he. Now the bee is never still, It has no time to take the pill, And that is why in times like these there are so many sons of bees. *** 350 Yo' Mamma Jokes (alphabetized) [from the archive of TrashLaughs] http://www.min.net/~dogbyte Yo'momma armpits so hairy looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock! Yo'momma house so small her washcloth makes wall-to-wall carpeting. Yo'momma house so small the doormat just says "WEL" Yo'momma like Betty Crocker icing: Always ready to spread. Yo'momma like Chinese food: Sweet sour and cheap! Yo'momma like Crazy Eddie: She's practically giving it all away. Yo'momma like a 7-11. On every corner and always open. Yo'momma like a 7-UP: Never had it never will. Yo'momma like a Christmas tree: Everybody hangs balls on her. Yo'momma like a Denny's: Open 24 hours. Yo'momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!" Yo'momma like a birthday cake: Everybody gets a piece. Yo'momma like a bowling ball: You can fit three fingers in. Yo'momma like a bubble gum machine: 25 cents a blow. Yo'momma like a bus: Fifty cents and she's ready to ride! Yo'momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long. Yo'momma like a catsup bottle: Everyone gets a squeeze out of her! Yo'momma like a door knob: Everyone gets a turn. Yo'momma like a goalie: Changes pads after three periods. Yo'momma like a golf course: Everyone gets a hole in one! Yo'momma like a race car: She's always burning rubber. Yo'momma like a railroad track: Gets laid all over the country. Yo'momma like a refrigerator: Everyone puts their meat in! Yo'momma like a revolving door: Everyone gets a turn. Yo'momma like a screen door: After a couple bangs she loosens up! Yo'momma like a shotgun: Give her a cock and she blows. Yo'momma like a smokehouse: Always full of meat. Yo'momma like a stamp: You lick her stick her then send her away. Yo'momma like a stop sign: She's on every corner. Yo'momma like a vacuum cleaner: A real good suck. Yo'momma like a video game: Four men for a dollar! Yo'momma like an Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!" Yo'momma like an ice cream cone: Everyone gets a lick. Yo'momma like mustard: She spreads easy. Yo'momma like potato chips: Fri-to Lay. Yo'momma like the Pillsbury doughboy: Everyone gets a poke! Yo'momma like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man: Everybody gets a piece. Yo'momma pubic hair is so nappy the crabs ride dune buggies. Yo'momma pussy so dry the crabs carry canteens. Yo'momma so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Yo'momma so fat I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in! Yo'momma so fat I had to walk around her and got lost. Yo'momma so fat I took her to a dance and the band skipped. Yo'momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. Yo'momma so fat McDonalds has to change their sign every time she eats. Yo'momma so fat NASA has a satellite orbiting around her! Yo'momma so fat after sex she smokes a turkey! Yo'momma so fat at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts! Yo'momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo'momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo'momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels she strikes oil! Yo'momma so fat her big toe got stuck in the catflap. Yo'momma so fat her blood type is Ragu! Yo'momma so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes. Yo'momma so fat her butt looks like 2 pigs fightin' over Milkduds. Yo'momma so fat her doctor's a grounds keeper. Yo'momma so fat her high school picture was an aerial photograph. Yo'momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white and chunky! Yo'momma so fat her nickname is "damn". Yo'momma so fat her picture fell off the wall! Yo'momma so fat her tits are in two different time zones. Yo'momma so fat her toes bleed when she walks! Yo'momma so fat if she weighed 5 more pounds she'd get group insurance. Yo'momma so fat if she'd died you'd have to take her out in two trips. Yo'momma so fat it say on her driver's license Picture continued on back. Yo'momma so fat it takes a forklift to help her stand up. Yo'momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass! Yo'momma so fat light gets stuck near her. Yo'momma so fat mosquitoes see her and scream buffet! Yo'momma so fat people jog around her for exercise. Yo'momma so fat people use her dandruff as quilts. Yo'momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo'momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo'momma so fat she can smell bacon frying in Canada! Yo'momma so fat she can use Mt. Everest for a dildo. Yo'momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket. Yo'momma so fat she don't have cellulite she's got cellu-heavy! Yo'momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo'momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo'momma so fat she fell in love and broke it! Yo'momma so fat she gets stuck in her dreams! Yo'momma so fat she got a run in her blue jeans. Yo'momma so fat she got her baby pictures taken by satellite. Yo'momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo'momma so fat she got hit by a truck and asked Who threw that rock? Yo'momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets. Yo'momma so fat she had a run in her jeans! Yo'momma so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon. Yo'momma so fat she had stretch marks when she was a virgin. Yo'momma so fat she had to get out of bed to roll over. Yo'momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. Yo'momma so fat she has a part-time job as a trampoline! Yo'momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors. Yo'momma so fat she has her own area code! Yo'momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans. Yo'momma so fat she has her own gravity. Yo'momma so fat she has more rolls than a Mary Jane truck. Yo'momma so fat she has shocks on her toilet seat. Yo'momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets! Yo'momma so fat she has to go outside to put on deodorant. Yo'momma so fat she has to go outside to sit around the house. Yo'momma so fat she has to lay down to tie her shoe. Yo'momma so fat she has to use hoola-hoops to hold her socks up. Yo'momma so fat she hides her goiter with her chin. Yo'momma so fat she influences the tides. Yo'momma so fat she irons her clothes in the driveway! Yo'momma so fat she jumped for joy and got stuck. Yo'momma so fat she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box. Yo'momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen! Yo'momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo'momma so fat she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up. Yo'momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo'momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo'momma so fat she shaves her legs with a lawn mower. Yo'momma so fat she shows up on radar. Yo'momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo'momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made skidmarks! Yo'momma so fat she steps on a scale and it goes one at a time please. Yo'momma so fat she takes baths in swimming pools. Yo'momma so fat she thinks Church`s Chicken`s a holy place. Yo'momma so fat she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand. Yo'momma so fat she thought gravy was a beverage. Yo'momma so fat she uses a VCR as a beeper! Yo'momma so fat she uses a mattress as a maxi-pad. Yo'momma so fat she uses a mattress as a tampon. Yo'momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock. Yo'momma so fat she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm. Yo'momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth. Yo'momma so fat she uses the freeway as a Slip n' Slide! Yo'momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo'momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship. Yo'momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development. Yo'momma so fat she wears a microwave for a beeper! Yo'momma so fat she wears two watches because she's in two time zones! Yo'momma so fat she went to the beach and sold shade! Yo'momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone! Yo'momma so fat she went to the salad bar and pulled up a chair. Yo'momma so fat she won Miss Bessie the Cow @YEAR@. Yo'momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo'momma so fat she's got her own post code. Yo'momma so fat she's got her own zip code! Yo'momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo'momma so fat she's in two time zones at the same time! Yo'momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo'momma so fat she's sits on coal and farts out a diamond. Yo'momma so fat she's works in the movies -- as the screen. Yo'momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her. Yo'momma so fat the airline charges her round trip for each flight. Yo'momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo'momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear Caution! Wide Turn. Yo'momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo'momma so fat they invented super extra strength ultra SlimFast. Yo'momma so fat they mistake her for a country. Yo'momma so fat to her light food means under 4 Tons. Yo'momma so fat to lose a few pounds she takes off her girdle. Yo'momma so fat when I got on top of her my ears popped. Yo'momma so fat when a cop saw her he told her Hey you two break it up! Yo'momma so fat when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up. Yo'momma so fat when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too. Yo'momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight down to hell. Yo'momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo'momma so fat when she falls it measures on the Richter scale! Yo'momma so fat when she fell in love she broke it! Yo'momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo'momma so fat when she goes to parties people scream Kool-Aid! Yo'momma so fat when she has sex she has to give directions! Yo'momma so fat when she has to haul ass it takes two trips! Yo'momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo'momma so fat when she moons people they turn into Werewolves. Yo'momma so fat when she puts her foot down she clears rain forests. Yo'momma so fat when she sings, it's over! Yo'momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo'momma so fat when she sweats everyone around her wears raincoats! Yo'momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th. Yo'momma so fat when she turns around its her birthday. Yo'momma so fat when she turns around they throw her a welcome-back party. Yo'momma so fat when she walks in high heels she strikes oil. Yo'momma so fat when she walks she leaves snail tracks.... Yo'momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" Yo'momma so fat when she wears her X jacket helicopters try to land. Yo'momma so fat when she wears red all the kids scream Koolaid! Yo'momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo'momma so fat when you put her in a Jacuzzi she makes her own gravy! Yo'momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo'momma so fat you can slap her thighs and ride the waves in! Yo'momma so fat you can't tell if she is coming or going... Yo'momma so fat you couldn't tell where her boobs end and her arms begin. Yo'momma so fat you gotta slam her thigh and ride the wave... Yo'momma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off of her. Yo'momma so fat your family portrait has stretch marks. Yo'momma so generous that she would give all her money to a bum. Yo'momma so nasty when your daddy ate her pussy he got food poisoning. Yo'momma so poor she was kickin a can, and said she was "moving!" Yo'momma so pretty that I would love to fuck her in the ass without lube. Yo'momma so short she trips on spit. Yo'momma so small she gotta hang glide on a Dorito. Yo'momma so stinky she can knock a buzzard off a' shit wagon! Yo'momma so stinky she make Right Guard turn left! Yo'momma so stupid I saw her standing on an empty bus. Yo'momma so stupid her brain cells are on the endangered species list. Yo'momma so stupid her brain cells die alone. Yo'momma so stupid it take her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. Yo'momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg. Yo'momma so stupid it take her a half hour to make minute rice. Yo'momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch. Yo'momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hour virus. Yo'momma so stupid she asked for a price check at the $1.00 store. Yo'momma so stupid she asked for help to use hamburger helper. Yo'momma so stupid she asked you what is the number for 911. Yo'momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo'momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo'momma so stupid she called a 7-11 to ask when they closed! Yo'momma so stupid she called the cocaine hot line to order some. Yo'momma so stupid she cooked her own complimentary breakfast. Yo'momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo'momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book. Yo'momma so stupid she gets lost in thought. Yo'momma so stupid she got hit by a cup and told cops she got mugged. Yo'momma so stupid she got hit by a parked car. Yo'momma so stupid she got locked in Food Mart and half starved. Yo'momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shootout. Yo'momma so stupid she got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours. Yo'momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl. Yo'momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo'momma so stupid she returned a puzzle complaining it was broken! Yo'momma so stupid she sat on a window ledge thinking she'd get framed. Yo'momma so stupid she saw a sign that said Wet Floor so she did! Yo'momma so stupid she sits on the TV and watches the couch! Yo'momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo'momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo'momma so stupid she stole free bread. Yo'momma so stupid she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo'momma so stupid she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet! Yo'momma so stupid she thought Lionel Riche was a kid with trians. Yo'momma so stupid she thought O.J. Simpson some kind of fruit juice. Yo'momma so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company. Yo'momma so stupid she thought Taco Bell was where to pay a phone bill. Yo'momma so stupid she thought a hot meal is stolen food. Yo'momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was a refund! Yo'momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was change. Yo'momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course. Yo'momma so stupid she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository. Yo'momma so stupid she thought manual labor was a Mexican! Yo'momma so stupid she thought menopause was a button on the stereo. Yo'momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on soul Train. Yo'momma so stupid she thought socialism means partying! Yo'momma so stupid she thought softball was a venereal disease! Yo'momma so stupid she took a job cutting grass offshore. Yo'momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo'momma so stupid she took a shower and got brain-washed. Yo'momma so stupid she took a spoon to the super bowl. Yo'momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo'momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo'momma so stupid she tried to commit suicide and jumped off the curb. Yo'momma so stupid she tried to hang herself with a cordless phone. Yo'momma so stupid she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo'momma so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone! Yo'momma so stupid she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes. Yo'momma so stupid she went swimming to a car pool. Yo'momma so stupid she went to Alpha Beta and asked to buy a vowel. Yo'momma so stupid she went to Dodger stadium and drowned in the waves. Yo'momma so stupid she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut. Yo'momma so stupid she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu. Yo'momma so stupid she wrote `M, F, sometimes Wed' under "SEX?" Yo'momma so stupid when she saw a sign that said Wet Floor she did! Yo'momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo'momma so ugly I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick. Yo'momma so ugly I've seen cow pies I'd rather do it with. Yo'momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her! Yo'momma so ugly a fly wouldn't sit on her. Yo'momma so ugly even rice krispies won't talk to her! Yo'momma so ugly her dentist treats her by mail! Yo'momma so ugly her doctor is a veterinarian. Yo'momma so ugly her face is closed on weekends! Yo'momma so ugly her face is like a melted willy. Yo'momma so ugly her momma had to be drunk to breast feed her. Yo'momma so ugly her nickname is Damn! Yo'momma so ugly her vibrator turned limp! Yo'momma so ugly if she joined an ugly contest they'd say sorry no. Yo'momma so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects! Yo'momma so ugly it looks like she sleeps on a bed of nails face down! Yo'momma so ugly not even her Rice Crispies will talk to her! Yo'momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween. Yo'momma so ugly she can turn Madusa to stone. Yo'momma so ugly she could curdle urine. Yo'momma so ugly she could gag a maggot on a gutwagon. Yo'momma so ugly she could make a freight train take a gravel road. Yo'momma so ugly she could scare a dog off a meat truck. Yo'momma so ugly she could scare a hungry wolf off a meat truck. Yo'momma so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Yo'momma so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock! Yo'momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo'momma so ugly she gives Freddy Krueger nightmares! Yo'momma so ugly she had a face that would sink a thousand ships. Yo'momma so ugly she had to get her baby drunk to breast feed it! Yo'momma so ugly she has to get her vibrator drunk first. Yo'momma so ugly she has to sneak up on a cup of water! Yo'momma so ugly she has to sneak up on a hurricane to catch a breeze. Yo'momma so ugly she has to sneak up on her mirror. Yo'momma so ugly she has to trick or treat over the phone. Yo'momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow. Yo'momma so ugly she just got a job at the airport sniffing for drugs. Yo'momma so ugly she looks like a Bulldog licking piss off a thistle. Yo'momma so ugly she looks like she's been bobbing for French fries! Yo'momma so ugly she looks like the elephant man chewing on a wasp. Yo'momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo'momma so ugly she make my ass pucker. Yo'momma so ugly she make onions cry. Yo'momma so ugly she practices birth control by leaving the lights on! Yo'momma so ugly she puts on her makeup in the dark! Yo'momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo'momma so ugly she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out. Yo'momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo'momma so ugly she walked past a mirror and it exploded. Yo'momma so ugly she won't even play with herself! Yo'momma so ugly she wore a pork chop to get the dog to play. Yo'momma so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road. Yo'momma so ugly she'd scare a buzzard off a gut wagon. Yo'momma so ugly she's the cover girl for iodine. Yo'momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo'momma so ugly that when she looks at a glass of milk it turns to cheese. Yo'momma so ugly the NHL banned her for life. Yo'momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo'momma so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down. Yo'momma so ugly the tide won't even take her out. Yo'momma so ugly they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower. Yo'momma so ugly they only wanted her feet for the freak show. Yo'momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo'momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo'momma so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies! Yo'momma so ugly they threw her away and kept the afterbirth. Yo'momma so ugly they turn off the cameras when she walks into a bank! Yo'momma so ugly they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders!! Yo'momma so ugly when I first saw her, my momma was nauseous. Yo'momma so ugly when a baby, she was breast fed through a straw! Yo'momma so ugly when a child, she had to be fed with a slingshot! Yo'momma so ugly when she cries the tears run up her face. Yo'momma so ugly when she goes to the beach the tide won't come in! Yo'momma so ugly when she sits in the sand the cat tries to bury her. Yo'momma so ugly when she walk by the bathroom the toilet flushes. Yo'momma so ugly when she walk into a bank they turn the cameras off! Yo'momma so ugly when she was born her incubator windows were tinted. Yo'momma so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped her momma! Yo'momma so ugly when she was born the windows in her incubator were tinted. Yo'momma so ugly when she went to jump in the lake the lake jumped back! Yo'momma so ugly when you look up ugly in the dictionary it has her picture. Yo'momma so ugly yo daddy rather kiss her ass than look in her face. Yo'momma so ugly you could tell the face only 'cuz it had ears. Yo'momma so ugly zookeepers said thanks for bringin' the bitch back! Yo'momma such a wonderful person and we are blessed that God created her. *** "It struck me that I'd heard a lot of engineers say they wished they hadn't worked so hard on a start-up company, a lot of professors say it was a shame that they'd put their research ahead of their marriage, a lot of lawyers question their value to society, but I'd never heard anyone say he or she regretted time spent raising children. What would happen to my friends if they didn't realize their goals? Even worse, what would happen if they did realize those goals then came to see them as not sufficient?" - Philip Greenspun, in _Travels with Samantha_ (http://www-swiss.ai.mit.edu/samantha/index.html) *** THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS JEWISH 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was god. THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job. 3. His last request was for a drink. THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus. 2. He was always in trouble with the law. 3. His mother did not know who his real father was. THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He took wine with every meal. 3. He worked in the building trade. THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody brother. 2. He had no permanent address. 3. Nobody would hire him. THREE PROOFS JESUS WAS FROM CALIFORNIA: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion. *** And the Dark Lord made Orcs in mockery of Elves, and Trolls in mockery of Ents; and he made DOS in mockery of CP/M, and Windows in mockery of Macs, and NT in mockery of Netware; and he made Excel in mockery of VisiCalc, and Explorer in mockery of Navigator, and Word in mockery of WordPerfect; and he made MSNetwork in mockery of America Online; and on every side his foes fell reeling, defeated one by one as he crushed them by sheer weight of numbers, his hosts darkening the plain; and in the twilight years of the Second Millenium the Free Peoples of the West said, Lo, let us face this pestilence and destroy it, lest he turn all of Middle-Earth into a nest of foulness. And they forged the One OS, and they called it Copland; and they gathered their allies, the IBM Host and the Riders of Motorola, and they prepared for the final battle. -- wiggler@pop3.concentric.net (Gary J. Robinson) adapts Tolkien to the Computer Age *** Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,331: 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. *** MEASUREMENT ERROR A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first." *** Ladle Rat Rotten Hut -------------------- Wants pawn term dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage honor itch offer lodge dock florist. Disc ladle gull orphan worry ladle cluck wetter putty ladle rat hut, end fur disc raisin pimple caulder ladle rat rotten hut. Wan moaning rat rotten hut's murder colder inset: "Ladle rat rotten hut, heresy ladle basking winsome burden barter an shirker cockles. Tick disc ladle basking tudor cordage offer groin murder hoe lifts honor udder site offer florist. Shaker lake, dun stopper laundry wrote, end yonder nor sorghum stenches dun stopper torque wet strainers." "Hoe-cake, murder," resplendent ladle rat rotten hut, end tickle ladle basking an sturred oft. Honor wrote tudor cordage offer groin murder, ladle rat rotten hut mitten anomalous woof. "Wail, wail, wail," set disc wicket woof, "evanescent ladle rat rotten hut! Wares or putty ladle gull goring wizard ladle basking?" "Armor goring tumor groin murder's," reprisal ladle gull. "Grammars seeking bet. Armor ticking arson burden barter end shirker cockles." "O hoe! Heifer blessing woke," setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb shelf, "Oil tickle shirt court tudor cordage offer groin murder. Oil ketchup wetter letter, an den - O bore!" Soda wicket woof tucker shirt court, end whinney retched a cordage offer groin murder, picket inner window an dore debtor port oil worming worse lion inner bet. Inner flesh disc abdominal woof lipped honor betting adder rope. Zany pool dawn a groin murder's nut cup an gnat gun, any curdle dope inner bet. Inner ladle wile ladle rat rotten hut a raft attar cordage an ranker dough ball. "Comb ink, sweat hard," setter wicket woof, disgracing is verse. Ladle rat rotten hut entity bet rum end stud buyer groin murder's bet. "Oh grammar," crater ladle gull, "Wart bag icer gut! A nervous sausage bag ice!" "Butter lucky chew whiff, doling," whiskered disc ratchet woof, wetter wicket small. "Oh grammar, water bag noise! A nervous sore suture anomalous prognosis!" "Buttered small your whiff," inserter woof, ants mouse worse wadding. "Oh grammar, water bag mousey gut! A nervous sore suture bag mouse!" Daze worry on forger nut gull's lest warts. Oil offer sodden throne offer carvers an sprinkling otter bet, disc curl an bloat thursday woof ceased pore ladle rat rotten hut an garbled erupt. Mural: Yonder not sorghum stenches shud ladle gulls stopper torque wet strainers. *** Yo Ho ( A Pirates life for me); The Pirates of The Carribean Yo ho, yo ho a pirates life for me we pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot Drink up me 'earties, yo ho. we kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot Drink up me 'earties, yo ho. Yo ho yo ho, a pirate's life for me. we extort, we pilfage, we filch and sack. Drink up me 'earties yo ho Maraude and embezzle and even hijack Drink up me 'earties, yo ho. Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me. We kindle and char and flame and ignite Drink up me 'earties yo ho. We burn up the city, we're really afright Drink up me 'earties, yo ho! We're rascals, scoundrels, villans and naves Drink up me 'earties, yo ho. We're devils and blacksheep and really bad eggs Drink up me 'earties, yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho a pirates life for me We're beggars and blighters and ne'er do well cats Drink up me 'earties, yo ho I think we're loved by our mommies and dads. Drink up me 'earties, yo ho! *** AN OFFICE PRAYER GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CANNOT ACCEPT; AND THE WISDOM TO HIDE THE BODIES OF THOSE PEOPLE I HAD TO KILL TODAY BECAUSE THEY PISSED ME OFF, AND PLEASE HELP ME TO BE CAREFUL OF THE TOES I STEP ON TODAY AS THEY MAY BE CONNECTED TO THE ASS I HAVE TO KISS TOMORROW. Ah, I feel much better. *** ... it is worth noticing that the heart of market ideology beats in the United States, and that the believers preach two contradictory visions: (1) a return to the American small-town ideal; (2) the achievement of a magic balance that will be created by the freeing of the capitalist mechanism. Most sensible people would be surprised by the suggestion of such a strange cohabitation. The global economy and the small-town ideal are not simply nonsequiturs. They are direct enemies. But there is no need for the sensible in a utopia. -- John Ralston Saul, _The Unconscious Civilization_ *** REFLECTIONS OF A KISS A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror. *** The Perfect Day SHE 8.45 Wake up to hugs & kisses 9.00 5 pounds lighter on the scales 9.30 Light breakfast 11.00 Sunbathe 12.00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1.30 Shopping 2.30 Run into boyfriend's ex, notice she's gained thirty pounds 3.00 Facial, massage and nap 7.30 Candlelit dinner for two and dancing 10.00 Make love 11.00 Pillow talk in his big strong arms HE 10.00 Wake up 10.02 Oral Sex 10.10 Big breakfast 11.30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde with big hooters 2.15 Enormous lunch 3.00 Oral Sex 3.10 Play sports with the guys 4.00 Drink beer with the guys 6.00 Meet Claudia Schiffer 6.10 Oral Sex 6.20 Huge dinner, more beer 11.00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex *** The Sex Life of an Electron --------------------------- One night, when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Milli Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Milli Amp's characterstic curve, soon had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Milli cried out, "Ohm, ohm, give me mho". With his tube at maximum output, and her coil vibrating from the current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her shunt---Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron was drained off. They fluxed all night, trying various connections and hookings until Micro's bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and until he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses. The End *** A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes..." *** There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? *** 25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?" ************************************************************************* 1. You haven't asked yet. 2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. 3. What? And spoil my great sex life? 4. Nobody would believe me in white. 5. Because I just love hearing this question. 6. Just lucky, I guess. 7. It gives my mother something to live for. 8. My fiance is awaiting parole. 9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. 10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? 11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age. 12. It didn't seem worth a blood test. 13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. 14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. 15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. 16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. 17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. 18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. 19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. 20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? 21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it. 22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. 23. Why aren't you thin? 24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. 25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant. *** [In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" *** Wishes of a Lover As I look out at the majestic sea, I know you and I were meant to be. I only wish I could make you see how much your love means to me. I wish I could walk up to you and speak the words that lovers do. But now I sit here sad and blue wishing that I could be with you. Send This to 7 People within the next 5 mins. and your wish will come true. Proberbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times *HUG* *** Dear Abby, I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U.S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft's Customer Service Division. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from school. To support ourselves, we are going to move Mexico and start a fake-Aztec-souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them. In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my cousin who works for Microsoft Customer Service? *** The truth is that Mozart, Pascal, Boolean algebra, Shakespeare, parliamentary government, baroque churches, Newton, the emancipation of women, Kant, Marx, Balanchine ballet et al., don't redeem what this particular civilization has wrought upon he world. The white race is the cancer of human history. It is the white race and it alone -- its ideologies and inventions -- which eradicates autonomous civilizations wherever it spreads, which has upset the ecological balance of the planet, which now threatens the very existence of life itself." -- Susan Sontag, Partisan Review, Winter 1967, p. 57. (Source: http://www-formal.stanford.edu/jmc/progress/quotes.html, John McCarthy's web page of extremist views) *** An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional. About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." *** Poeta Fit, Non Nascitur by Lewis Carroll "How shall I be a poet? How shall I write in rhyme? You told me once the very wish Partook of the sublime: Then tell me how. Don't put me off With your `another time'." The old man smiled to see him, To hear his sudden sally; He liked the lad to speak his mind Enthusiastically, And thought, "There's no hum-drum in him, Nor any shilly-shally." "And would you be a poet Before you've been to school? Ah well! I hardly thought you So absolute a fool. First learn to be spasmodic - A very simple rule. "For first you write a sentence, And then you chop it small! Then mix the bits, and sort them out Just as they chance to fall: The order of the phrases makes No difference at all. "Then, if you'd be impressive, Remember what I say, The abstract qualities begin With capitals alway: The True, the Good, the Beautiful, These are the things that pay! "Next, when you are describing A shape, or sound, or tint, Don't state the matter plainly, But put it in a hint; And learn to look at all things With a sort of mental squint." "For instance, if I wished, Sir, Of mutton-pies to tell, Should I say `Dreams of fleecy flocks Pent in a wheaten cell'?" "Why, yes," the old man said: "that phrase Would answer very well. "Then, fourthly, there are epithets That suit with any word - As well as Harvey's Reading Sauce With fish, or flesh, or bird - Of these `wild,' `lonely,' `weary,' `strange,' Are much to be preferred." "And will it do, O will it do To take them in a lump - As `the wild man went his weary way To a strange and lonely pump'?" "Nay, nay! You must not hastily To such conclusions jump. "Such epithets, like pepper, Give zest to what you write, And, if you strew them sparely, They whet the appetite: But if you lay them on too thick, You spoil the matter quite! "Last, as to the arrangement; Your reader, you should show him, Must take what information he Can get, and look for no im- mature disclosure of the drift And purpose of your poem. "Therefore, to test his patience - How much he can endure - Mention no places, names, nor dates, And evermore be sure Throughout the poem to be found Consistently obscure. "First fix upon the limit To which it shall extend: Then fill it up with `padding', (Beg some of any friend): Your great sensation-stanza You place towards the end. Now try your hand, ere Fancy Have lost its present glow -" "And then," his grandson added, "We'll publish it, you know: Green cloth -gold-lettered at the back, In duodecimo!" Then proudly smiled the old man To see the eager lad Rush madly for his pen and ink And for his blotting-pad - But when he thought of publishing, His face grew stern and sad. *** There was a book lying next to Alice on the table, and while she sat watching the White King (for she was still a little anxious about him, and had the ink all ready to throw over him, in case he fainted again), she turned over the leaves, to find some part that she could read, "--for it's all in some language I don't know," she said to herself. It was like this. She puzzled over this for some time, but at last a bright thought struck her. "Why, it's a Looking-glass book, of course! And, if I hold it up to a glass, the words will all go the right way again." This was the poem that Alice read JABBERWOCKY 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves     Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves,       And the mome raths outgrabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son!     The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun       The frumious Bandersnatch!" He took his vorpal sword in hand:     Long time the manxome foe he sought - So rested he by the Tumtum tree,       And stood awhile in thought. And, as in uffish thought he stood,     The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,       And burbled as it came! One, two! One, two! And through and through     The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head       He went galumphing back. "And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?     Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"       He chortled in his joy. 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves     Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves,       And the mome raths outgrabe. *** A Strange Wild Song by Lewis Carroll He thought he saw an Elephant That practised on a fife: He looked again, and found it was A letter from his wife. "At length I realize," he said, "The bitterness of life!" He thought he saw a Buffalo Upon the chimney-piece: He looked again, and found it was His Sister's Husband's Niece. "Unless you leave this house," he said, "I'll send for the police!" He thought he saw a Rattlesnake That questioned him in Greek: He looked again, and found it was The Middle of Next Week. "The one thing I regret," he said, "Is that it cannot speak!" He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk Descending from the bus: He looked again, and found it was A Hippopotamus. "If this should stay to dine," he said, "There won't be much for us!" He thought he saw a Kangaroo That worked a Coffee-mill: He looked again, and found it was A Vegetable-Pill. "Were I to swallow this," he said, "I should be very ill!" He thought he saw a Coach-and-Four That stood beside his bed: He looked again, and found it was A Bear without a Head. "Poor thing," he said, "poor silly thing! It's waiting to be fed!" *** The Walrus and the Carpenter by Lewis Carroll The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright - And this was odd, because it was The middle of the night. The moon was shining sulkily, Because she thought the sun Had got no business to be there After the day was done - "It's very rude of him," she said, "To come and spoil the fun." The sea was wet as wet could be, The sands were dry as dry. You could not see a cloud, because No cloud was in the sky: No birds were flying overhead - There were no birds to fly. The Walrus and the Carpenter Were walking close at hand; They wept like anything to see Such quantities of sand: "If this were only cleared away," They said, "it would be grand." "If seven maids with seven mops Swept it for half a year, Do you suppose", the Walrus said, "That they could get it clear?" "I doubt it," said the Carpenter, And shed a bitter tear. "O Oysters, come and walk with us!" The Walrus did beseech. "A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, Along the briny beach: We cannot do with more than four, To give a hand to each." The eldest Oyster looked at him, But never a word he said: The eldest Oyster winked his eye, And shook his heavy head - Meaning to say he did not choose To leave the oyster-bed. But four young Oysters hurried up, All eager for the treat: Their coats were brushed, their faces washed, Their shoes were clean and neat - And this was odd, because, you know, They hadn't any feet. Four other Oysters followed them, And yet another four; And thick and fast they came at last, And more, and more, and more - All hopping through the frothy waves, And scrambling to the shore. The Walrus and the Carpenter Walked on a mile or so, And then they rested on a rock Conveniently low: And all the little Oysters stood And waited in a row. "The time has come", the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes -and ships -and sealing wax - Of cabbages -and kings - And why the sea is boiling hot - And whether pigs have wings." "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, "Before we have our chat; For some of us are out of breath, And all of us are fat!" "No hurry!" said the Carpenter. They thanked him much for that. "A loaf of bread", the Walrus said, "Is what we chiefly need: Pepper and vinegar, besides, Are very good indeed - Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear, We can begin to feed." "But not on us!" the Oysters cried, Turning a little blue. "After such kindness, that would be A dismal thing to do!" "The night is fine," the Walrus said, "Do you admire the view? "It was so kind of you to come! And you are very nice!" The Carpenter said nothing but "Cut us another slice. I wish you were not quite so deaf - I've had to ask you twice!" "It seems a shame", the Walrus said, "To play them such a trick. After we've brought them out so far, And made them trot so quick!" The Carpenter said nothing but "The butter's spread too thick!" "I weep for you," the Walrus said: "I deeply sympathize." With sobs and tears he sorted out Those of the largest size, Holding his pocket-handkerchief Before his streaming eyes. "O Oysters," said the Carpenter, "You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?" But answer came there none - And this was scarcely odd, because They'd eaten every one. *** The SEA by Lewis Carroll There are certain things - a spider, a ghost, The income-tax, gout, an umbrella for three - That I hate, but the thing that I hate the most Is a thing they call the SEA. Pour some salt water over the floor - Ugly I'm sure you'll allow it to be: Suppose it extended a mile or more, That's very like the SEA. Beat a dog till it howls outright - Cruel, but all very well for a spree; Suppose that one did so day and night, That would be like the SEA. I had a vision of nursery-maids; Tens of thousands passed by me - All leading children with wooden spades, And this was by the SEA. Who invented those spades of wood? Who was it cut them out of the tree? None, I think, but an idiot could - Or one that loved the SEA. It is pleasant and dreamy, no doubt, to float With 'thoughts as boundless, and souls as free'; But suppose you are very unwell in a boat, How do you like the SEA. There is an insect that people avoid (Whence is derived the verb 'to flee') Where have you been by it most annoyed? In lodgings by the SEA. If you like coffee with sand for dregs, A decided hint of salt in your tea, And a fishy taste in the very eggs - By all means choose the SEA. And if, with these dainties to drink and eat, You prefer not a vestige of grass or tree, And a chronic state of wet in your feet, Then -I recommend the SEA. For I have friends who dwell by the coast, Pleasant friends they are to me! It is when I'm with them I wonder most That anyone likes the SEA. They take me a walk: though tired and stiff, To climb the heights I madly agree: And, after a tumble or so from the cliff, They kindly suggest the SEA. I try the rocks, and I think it cool That they laugh with such an excess of glee, As I heavily slip into every pool, That skirts the cold, cold SEA. *** ODE TO MOM (Those silly words/phrases that we catch ourselves saying that remind of us Dear MOM) I'm going to give you until the count of three. Don't pick, it'll get infected. I would have never talked to MY mother like that! Who do you think you are? I don't care what "everyone" is doing, I care what YOU are doing! What, you want more money? Well, the people in Hades want ice water, but do you see me with a PITCHER? If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll... You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you. When you don't listen to your Mom, that's when you get into trouble. Don't use that tone with me! Someday your face will freeze like that! What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too? Look at me when I'm talking to you. You're going to put your eye out with that thing! Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up? Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home! How many times do I have to tell you...don't throw things in the house! No, you can't go steady! You KNOW what that leads to. Were you born in a barn? Close the door -- and DON'T slam it! Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again! Be good -- and don't do ANYTHING to embarrass your parents. No child of MINE would do something like that. "I don't know" is NOT an answer. Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been. If you don't do it NOW, then when are you going to do it? No. Beauty is as beauty does! What do you mean you aren't going to eat everything on your plate? Think of those poor starving children in India. You can't find it? Well, where did you leave it last? If bologna was a tin horn you'd have an orchestra! Money does NOT grow on trees. I'm not everyone else's parents and you're not everyone else! Five minutes of pleasure is not worth a lifetime of hell. You made your bed, now lie in it. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Don't make me tell you again. Stop your crying before I give you something to cry about. Don't go out with a wet head, you'll catch cold. I'm not Freddy's mom, I'm your mom and I care what happens to you. I'm not going to tell you how to spell that when you can look it up in the dictionary! Life isn't fair. Who do you think you are? Madam Butterfly? Would you do that if the Queen were here? When I was young we had respect for our elders now look at the world! Did you iron that? I don't THINK soo... Don't use that tone with me! When you don't listen to your Mom, that's when you get into trouble. You look too much like your father to be my child. Look it up in your contract: I'm the Mom, you're the kid. I get to do the nagging. There is nothing for nice girls to do past midnight. What do you mean CARRY ME? I carried you for nine months!! I'm not here to entertain you. That's OK, sweetie, anything to get you out of jail! Am I talking to a brick wall? Eat those carrots, they're good for your eyesight. You never see rabbits wearing glasses, do you? A good smack never did me any harm ..... You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you. There's no shame in being poor, but there is shame in being dirty! You'll never live to see sixteen!! There's someone either dying or being created under your bed -- look at all this dust! Eat your meat. Did you flush? I worry about you. Can you give me an itinerary for your trip? Who are you going with? Do I know them? I hate having you drive alone at night. Somebody's gonna end up crying. You don't WANT to clean your room? You don't have to Want to! You can be anything you want to, if you just set your mind to it. A man who plays when he should be working will never amount to much. There's enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes! What would you do if I wasn't here? If you don't quit that, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week. You'll miss me when I'm gone! AFTER you pick up your room, make your bed, brush your teeth and comb your hair, THEN you can go out to play. Don't say SHUT UP! If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll... Close your mouth when you're eating -- you look like a cow! Speak up; I can't hear your head rattle. Never leave the house hungry. Be good -- but if you can't be good, be careful. Eat the crust of your bread. It will make your hair curly and your teeth white. I resign! Remember who you are. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree. Do as I say, not as I do. I don't care what "everyone" is doing, I care what YOU are doing! What will the neighbors think? First marry for love, then marry for money. Sure, your brother has book smarts, but YOU have street smarts. Who do you think you are? When I was a little girl ... Do I have to send you an engraved invitation? Sit down and eat! Act your age. You just have big bones. But you have a beautiful complexion. You must get that from your father's side of the family. What have I done to deserve such ungrateful children? I would have never talked to MY mother like that! (From the 1940's) I should slap you from an amazing grace into a floating opportunity!! If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Fools' names and fools' faces are always seen in public places. I hope someday you have children just like you. Two wrongs do not make a right. Don't talk with your mouth full! I wish you kids could see videos of yourselves eating! How are things in your little life? Don't leave any crumbs on the counter! You have a cute little figure. Do I embarrass you? If you slouch like that, you'll get a hump in your back and no boy will ever ask you out. You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives. This, too, shall pass. I don't know why you turned out the way you have. Wear clean underwear in case you get in a car wreck and have to go to the hospital. I brought you into this world, I can take you out. If you'd open your eyes as wide as your mouth, you'd find what you're looking for. Pretty is as pretty does. You can marry more money in five minutes than you can earn in a lifetime. Sit like a lady! When are you going to take your bath? Do you want a time-out? I don't care if Jimmy's Mom said yes. Those turtles are playing leapfrog; one got stuck. Wipe your feet!! Go ask your father. Well, if you feel like you really need to go to the mall, I guess you can. Just don't ask me for any money! Enough is enough! It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. I'm not just talking to hear my own voice. You girls are pigs -- we live in a pigsty!! I'm going to give you until the count of three. Shut your mouth and eat. *** God was reviewing his checklist for creating the world: 1) Create the earth ------ DONE & it is good 2) Create the heavens ---- DONE & it is good 3) Create light ---------- DONE & it is good 4) Create the animals ---- DONE & it is good 5) Create the Garden ----- DONE & it is good 6) Create Adam & Eve ----- DONE & it is good Now God sits Adam & Eve down and says, "I've gone over my list and everything so far is good. Now I've 2 more items to take care of. First, one of you will get to pee standing up... " Immediately Adam throws his hand in the air, "Oh, I will, I will, pick me, pick me, can I, can I, please, please! " God looks down at his list, "Very well then Adam, you'll get to pee standing up," God says as He checks it off His list. "That leaves the last one for you Eve. You'll get to have multiple orgasms." *** Webster's Dictionary (7th edition) says that OBJECT is derived from the Latin neuter of "obicere", meaning to throw in the way, to hinder. ORIENT is derived from the Latin "oriri", to rise, thus [archaic] LUSTROUS, SPARKLING Thus, OBJECT-ORIENTED must mean "A glitzy thing that hinders and gets in the way". -- Andrew Appel on the object-oriented programming fad. *** Consider the following facts about hamsters: - They're found mostly in people's houses. - They come out mainly at night. - They run around like little wind-up toys. - They have two speeds: stop and fast. - They naturally avoid people. - If you try to grab them they dive into the nearest tiny hole. - Once they've hidden they can be extremely difficult to find. - They seem to like living in what basically amounts to a pile of trash. - They eat little bits of food, crumbs, etc. - They tend to be brown. - They reproduce very rapidly. - Fear of them (and similar creatures) is not terribly uncommon. Conclusion: hamsters are large cockroaches. *** Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute,assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)! Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike) He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money,they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round. If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES. *** If you take the highest view of marriage, as a Divine relation, which love alone can constitute and sanctify, then of course human legislation can only recognize it.--Man can neither bind or loose its ties, for that prerogative belongs to God alone, who makes man and woman, and the laws of attraction by which they are united. But if you regard marriage as a civil contract, then let it be subject to the same laws which control all other contracts. Do not make it a kind of half-human, half-divine institution which you may build up but cannot regulate. Do not, by your special legislation for this kind of contract, involve yourselves in the grossest absurdities and contradictions. -- Elizabeth Cady Stanton, 1854 *** All the voices of the right, which covers a wide swath today, pay homage to the inevitability of "change." But they don't mean change as [Allan] Ginsberg meant it: something we _make_ to improve the world and our lot. They talk about it as something we must submit to. In an odd way, their kind of change is the same as the status quo: a given, about which nothing can be done. They are reassuring in the way [Michael] Coren is: All is well, and you're out of the loop anyway. There's something inhuman about this acquiescence. -- Rick Salutin, in the Globe and Mail's Media column, May 16, 1997, responding to an obituary of poet Allan Ginsberg by biographer Michael Coren *** My wife was here six days last week, and she'll be back next week, and she does an outstanding job. And when I'm elected, she will not be in charge of health care. Don't worry about it. Or in charge of anything else. (Muffled crowd gasp.) I didn't say that. It did sort of go through my mind. But she may have a little blood bank in the White House. But that's all right. We need it. It doesn't cost you anything. These days, it's not all you give at the White House - your blood. You have to give your file. I keep wondering if mine's down there. Or my dog. I got a dog named Leader. I'm not certain they've got a file on Leader. He's a schnauzer. I think he's been cleaned. We've had him checked by the vet but not by the FBI or the White House. He may be suspect, but in any event, we'll get into that later. Animal rights or something of that kind. But this is a very serious election. -- 1996 Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole, from a verbatim account of an appearance at a cotton cooperative in Bakersfield, California on June 16, 1996 and published on page A-18 of the New York Times on June 20, 1996. *** Strange People Fly by Eric Bax Strange people fly, no lie. Dreads, nappy hair. No, don't be next to me with your double-wide derriere. Conspiracy theorists in sequined shirts "Do you want to know what really happened?" No, I really do not, Mr. leisure suit! "The government doesn't want you to know." Then me and the government, we're in cahoots! Picky eaters, picky seaters, headphone hoarders, late on boarders overhead stuffers, red-eye puffers. Angry passengers who will never fly this airline again. Babies in chorus, tag-team bawling edgy, screaming, kicking, crawling. Quiet people with tired looks buried in their self-help books. Cynical people-watchers glancing around, like the one who wrote this down. *** Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. KENNEDY: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. KENNEDY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. KENNEDY: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out ofmy way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally."Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift." Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. KENNEDY: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled anduncoiled-it's kinda cute. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. KENNEDY: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. KENNEDY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned Peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress. KENNEDY: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eyeand the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed outof my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue. Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. KENNEDY: Momma???? *** You know you're a child of the 70's if: You remember when Jordache jeans were cool. In your fifth grade class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up. You know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song. The Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark". Three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar? You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend" You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV A predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid" While in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again You remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you. You've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut." You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases - "When I was younger" - "When I was your age" - "You know, back when..." Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during "Crazy for You" by Madonna You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old Big Wheel quite obsolete. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter. Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON. (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting" This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay? You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation You remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital) You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there" Your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway. You know who shot J.R. This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me." You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on, after all, look at Tab. You know all the words to the double album set of Grease. You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer. "All-skate, change directions" means something to you. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. You owned a preppy handbook. You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to settle for second hand reports. You remember when there was only "G, PG and R", none of this PG-13 crap. You remember when Brian Gunn came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day. Wonder twin powers, activate! Form of a an iceberg, shape of a hammer You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly. You actually believed everything Leonard Nimoy told you on "In Search Of..." The ABC After School Special "My Mom's Having A Baby" actually taught you stuff you didn't know. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum. Bo and Luke Duke. ENJOY! VCR's cost $1,000. There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie living together. Rotary dial telephones. *** Lines from all your favorite 80s songs will be listed below and it's your job to come up with the song. Some are pretty straight forward and some I don't think many will get. I hope you all enjoy the quiz. 1) And she's lovin him with that body I just know it 2) I'm on the huntdown after you 3) Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? 4) Let me tell you 'bout the girl I met last night 5) Well I like takin off, don't like burnin out, every time you turn it on, makes me wanna shout 6) Buying bread from a man in brussels, he was 6 foot 4 and full a muscles 7) With every breath I'm deeper into you 8) Distant eyes, losin ground I'm reachin for you, you, you 9) Music does the talkin, says the things you wanna hear 10) And I've never been a loser and I just can't lose tonight 11) I'm gonna buy me a one way ticket, nothin's gonna hold me back. Your love's like a slow train comin and I can feel it comin down the track- whoah 12) At this moment, you mean everything! 13) I tried my imagination, but I was disturbed 14) Making love to you was never second best 15) I've got to, run away from the pain you drive into the heart of me 16) So wild, so free, so far from me. You're all I want, my fantasy 17) If you got the money honey we got your disease 18) And mama always told me be careful what you do, don't go around breaking young girls' hearts 19) My baby may not be rich, he's watchin every dime 20) Take your passion, and make it happen 21) I think they got the alias, that you been livin under 22) I had a premonition that he shouldn't of gone alone 23) And when the night is cold and dark, you can't see you can't see light 24) Don't drink, Don't smoke, what do ya do? 25) I don't wanna be a girl like that, do you wanna see a grown man cry? 26) Somebodies callin after somebody, somebody turns the corner out of sight. Lookin for somebody, somewhere in the night 27) A week without you, but I forget, two weeks without you and I still haven't gotten over you yet 28) Strange voices are saying, ah what did they say? Things I can't understand 29) Been workin, so hard. I'm punchin, my card 30) I know just how to whisper, and I know just how to cry 31) I was a high school loser never made it with a lady til the boys told me somethin I missed 32) I knew right from the beginning, that you would end up winnin, I knew right from the start, you'd put an arrow through my heart 33) You got to roll with the punches to get to what's real 34) Just a look at that girl with the lights comin up in her eyes 35) It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you, it's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do 36) And heart to heart you win, if ya survive 37) Play the guitar on the MTV 38) So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Dr. everything be all right 39) Tin roof......Rusted 40) You're givin me the chills baby please baby don't 41) I knew he must a been about seventeen 42) With the touch of a velvet glove 43) It's just another Sunday, in a tired old street 44) Slight of hand and a twist of fate, on a bed of nails she makes me wait 45) She's so fine, she's all mine, the girl is all right! 46) And your friends don't dance and if they don't dance well they're no friends of mine 47) Your feet are going to be on the ground, your head is there to move you around 48) Oceans apart, day after day, and I slowly go insane 49) I guess I should a known by the way you parked your car sideways that it wouldn't last 50) You're all the things I've got to remember 51) I need some company, a guardian angel, to keep me warm when the cold winds blow 52) Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye 53) So many times, it happens too fast, you trade your passion for glory 54) Nations go to war over women like you, it's just a form of appreciation 55) Before I put another notch in my lipstick case You better make sure you put me in my place! 56) You tell me that you want me, you tell me that you need me, you tell me that you love me, and I know that I'm right cause I hear it in the night. 57) I got a picture of you- ahh-ha-ahh-ha-ah-ah 58) I, I was standing, you were there 59) Every claim you stake I'll be watching you 60) Shoot me like a rocket into space! 61) This is the world we live in, and these are the hands were given 62) Don't wish it away, don't look at it like this forever 63) And even though I wander, I'm keepin you in sight, you're a candle in the wind on a cold dark winters night 64) If you say goodbye to me tonight, there will still be music left to write 65) Oh yeah I, just wanna watch the girls go by 66) I'll be alone, dancin, you know it baby 67) And you may say to yourself, My god, what have I done? 68) Scratches his head and does his best James Dean 69) Oh thikin about all our younger years, it was only you and me, we were young and wild and free 70) Like a knight in shining armor, from a long time ago 71) Stop walking down my street. Who do you expect to meet? 72) I've been meaning to tell you, I've got this feeling that won't subside 73) Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be 74) I had a friend was a big baseball player, back in high school 75) See yourself, give your freewill a chance, you've got to work to succeed 76) One likes to believe in the freedom of music 77) Heirs of the cold war, that's what we've become. Inherited troubles, I'm mentally numb. 78) Kid can't read at seventeen, the words he knows are all obscene but, it's all right 79) I sailed away to China, in a little row boat to find ya, you said you had to get your laundry done 80) I never believed in things that I couldn't see, I said if I can feel it, how could it be 81) Don't take money, don't take fame, don't need no credit card to ride this train 82) The school bell rings, you know it's my cue, I'm gonna meet the boys on floor number two 83) I never meant to be so bad to you. One thing I said that I would never do 84) Put me in coach, I'm ready to play, today 85) Just like the one wing dove sings a song, sounds like she's singing 86) So let's sink another drink, cause it'll give me time to think 87) I need fifty dollars to make you holler 88) I said mom this shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar 89) Now every time I go for the mailbox, gotta hold myself down 90) I can make it, I know I can. You broke the boy in me, but you won't break the man 91) And the best thing you've ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all 92) I've had the blues, the reds and the pinks 93) At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of my head 94) I'm lying in the rain, but I never wave bye bye, but I try 95) Don't want no Captain Crunch don't want no raisin bran 96) I can see the sun in Win-ter-time 97) Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath 98) And then the conversation turned, until the sun went down 99) Who's gonna block your ears, when you scream? 100) Come on everybody if you wanna take a chance 101) I touch you once, I touch you twice 102) All the cops in the donut shop say way-o way-o 103) You are so hard to read, you play hide n seek with your true intentions 104) She stepped off the bus, out into the city street 105) You do the boom boom into my heart, you set my soul sky high when your lovin starts 106) You want a piece of my heart, you better start from the start. You wanna be in the show, come on baby lets go! 107) I think of you and let it go... 108) I'll be back when I found my fears, and I'll see you again in a thousand years 109) I can wait another day, until I call you 110) When I'm lost at sea, I hear your voice and it carries me 111) Another kiss, and you'll be mine, one track mind! 112) If you won't take my kisses in the night then, 113) I was born to love you, but I will never be free, you'll always be a part of me 114) There doesn't seem to be anyone around 115) Speed so fast, felt like I was drunk 116) They see your every move 117) No chocolate covered candy hearts to give away 118) An invisible man sleepin in your bed.. *** Recently many financial-industry observiers have been asking, "Is Fidelity too big?". This is a reasonable question, given that, as of June 30,1996, Fidelity had more that $440,000,000,000 in assets under management. [...] when you compare FIdelity's assets to the markets in whch we invest, the numbers are relatively small. As of June 30, 1996, Fidelity's shareholders owned 3% fo the S&P 500, 2.8% of the entire market capitalization of the U.S. equity market, and 1.3% of the world equity market. -- J. Gary Burkhead, president, Fidelity Management & Research Company. [Submitter asks: One wonders what Mr. Burkhead would consider a *large* share!] *** 1 Cat - You're slightly nuts, but in a fun kind of way. 2 Cats - You're thinking about therapy. 3 Cats - You're in therapy and being served divorce papers. 4 Cats - Your family and friends are planning an intervention. 5 Cats - Your landlord is evicting you. 6 Cats - Your personal hygiene has taken a definite downturn. 7-12 Cats - You're comfortable with the knowledge that your life is over. 13-15 Cats - The acquaintances you still have are in a suicide cult. 26-100 Cats - The authorities arrive in hazmet suits to take you to your new home - a mattress-walled cell in Camarillo *** Green Eggs and Hamlet Ask I, to be or not to be? That is the test I ask of me. This sullied life, it makes me shudder. Uncle's boffing my dear mother. Would I, could I take my life? Could I, should I end this strife? Might I jump from off a plane? Throw myself before a train? Should I from a cliff just leap? Swallow pills, and go to sleep? Shoot myself, take some poison? I could try self immolation. Shudder off this mortal coil, Stab myself with fencing foil? Slash my wrists while in the bath? Would it end my angst and wrath? To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub. Drop a toaster in the tub? Would all be glad if I were dead? Perhaps I ought kill them instead. This line of thought takes consideration, For I'm the king of procrastination. *** Crossbred Dogs: Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband Deerhouse + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + Shitzu Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed Kuvasz + Golden Retriever Kuvasz Gold . . . . . . . . . . . . . *** An update from "Jargon Watch" on new lingo flowing out of the Silicon Valley and corporate jungles.... "batmobiling" Putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling" "prairie dogging" In companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look "ribs 'n' dick" A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n' dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades" "betamaxed" When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market" "generica" Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was" "going postal" Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages "high dome" Egghead, scientist, PhD "irritainment" Annoying but you can't stop watching, e.g. the O.J. trial "meatspace" The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL" "percussive maintenance" The fine art of whacking a device to get it working "siliwood" The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers; also "hollywired" "square headed girlfriend" (boyfriend) Computer "treeware" Manuals and documentation "umfriend" Sexual relationship; "this is Dale, my...um...friend" "yuppie food coupons" Twenty dollar bills from an ATM *** A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms Indicators Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken Bonnet (Hood) Die Pullnob und knucklechopper Exhaust Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben Clutch Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken Puncture Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken Learner Die twatte mit ellplatz Estate Car Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto Parking Meter Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer Windscreen Wiper Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder Footbrake Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick Gear lever Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen Breathalyser Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen Rear View Mirror Der Yokhunter Tucklosen Seat Belt Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper Headlights Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad Exhaust (old cars) Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter Highway Code Der Wipenfurarsen Fog Warning Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit Traffic jam Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast Rear Seat Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein Tyres Flahttfarts Backfire Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen Juggernaut Der Fukkengrett Trucken Accident Der Bledinmess Garage Der heiway Robberung Cyclist Der pedallpushinink Pillocken Skid Der Banannan Waltzen Double White Lines Overtaken und Krunchen Near Accident Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen *** The Infinite Improbability Drive The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing vast interstellar distances in a mere nothingth of a second, without all that tedious mucking around in hyperspace. It was discovered by a lucky chance, and then developed into a governable form of propulsion by the Galactic Government's research team on Damogran. This, briefly, is the history of its discovery. The principle of generating small amounts of finite improbability by simply hooking the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brain to an atomic vector plotter suspended in a strong Brownian Motion producer (say a nice hot cup of tea) were of course well understood - and such generators were often used to break the ice at parties by making all the molecules in the hostess's undergarnments leap simultanously one foot to the left, in accordance with the Theory Of Indeterminacy. Many respectable physicists said that they weren't going to stand for this, partly because it was a debasement of science, but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties. Another thing they couldn't stand was the perpetual failure they encountered in trying to construct a machine which could generate the infinite improbability field needed to flip a spaceship across the mind-paralyzing distances between the farthest stars, and in the end they grumpily announced that such a machine was virtually impossible. Then one day, a student who had been left to sweep up the lab after a particularly unsuccessful party found himself reasoning this way: If, he thought to himself, such a machine is a virtual impossibility, then it must logically be a finite improbability. So all I have to do in order to make one is to work out exactly how improbable it is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give it a fresh cup of really hot tea...and turn it on! He did this, and was rather startled to discover that he had managed to create the long sought after golden infinite improbability generator out of thin air. It startled him even more when just after he was awarded the Galactic Institute's Prize for Extreme Cleverness he got lynched by a rampaging mob of respectable physicists who had finally realized that the one thing they really couldn't stand was a smart-ass. -- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy *** The beauty of his situation was, for Hayduke, that he felt he could be let off anytime, anywhere, in the middle of nowhere, with his backpack, a gallon of water, a few relevant topo maps, three days' food supply, and he'd make it, survive and thrive, on his own, man. (All that fresh beef wandering around on the range; all that venison on the hoof down in the box canyons; all those sweet-water springs under the lucent cottonwoods a convenient day's march one from the next.) So he thought. So he felt. The sensation of freedom was exhilarating, though tinged with a shade of loneliness, a touch of sorrow. The old dream of total independence, beholden to no man and no woman, floated above his days like smoke from a pipe dream, like a silver cloud with a dark lining. For even Hayduke sensed, when he faced the thing directly, that the total loner would go insane. Was insane. Somewhere in the depths of solitude, beyond wildness and freedom, lay the trap of madness. Even the vulture, that red-necked black-winged anarchist, most indolent and arrogant of all the desert's creatures, even the vulture at evening likes to gather with his kin and swap a few stories, the flock of them roosting on the highest branches of the deadest trees in the neighborhood, all hunched down and wrapped up in their blackwing robes, cackling together like a convocation of scheming priests. Even the vulture--fantastic thought--goes through the nesting fit, mates for a time, broods on a clutch of vulture eggs, produces young. -- Edward Abbey, _The Monkey Wrench Gang_ *** If I give an orange to my friend, I say to him, "I give you this orange." If a lawyer does it, he says it this way: "Know all men by these presents that I hereby give, grant, bargain, sell, release, convey, transfer, and quitclaim all my right, title, interest, benefit, and use whatever in, of, and concerning this chattel, otherwise known as an orange, or citrus orantium, together with all the appurtenances thereto of skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice, to have and to hold the said orange together with its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice, for his own use and behoof, to himself and his heirs in fee simple forever, free from all liens, encumbrances, easements, limitations, restraints, or conditions whatsoever, any and all prior deeds, transfers or other documents whatsoever, now or anywhere made to the contrary notwithstanding, with full power to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat the said orange or to give away the same with or without its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, or juice." *** Lessons from Melrose Place (different than the recent post) *All women are size 6 or smaller. *There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters). *All men are seducible if they are straight. *Gay couples rarely kiss..., and if they do it's reported by the major networks. *No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture appears in the opening credits. *All physicians are also trained psychiatrists. *Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael tried to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael, Amanda and Bobby Paresi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly tried to kill the whole cast). *In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to chief of staff in 2 seasons. *In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from receptionist to VP in 2 episodes. *You don't need to be legally sane to practice medicine. *You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA (Richard) will still hire you. *If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE bandage. *When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair back to shoulder length. *When the highlight of your week is the "scenes for next week", it's time to go out and get a life. *You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist at a doctor's office. *You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long as you fall on top of another body. *Once you sleep with one sibling, you'll sleep with every other sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian Guy/Sydney/Jane). *If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be the person who has visited the building least often. *You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within one month after your release from a mental hospital. *Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks about it again. *A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can be cured not by therapy, but by embarrassing your father at a barbecue. *There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles. *Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your roots show after bleaching it. *Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy Award nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television. *** Curatorship is arguably the big new job of our times: it is the task of reevaluating, filtering, digesting, and connecting together. In an age saturated with new artifacts and information, it is perhaps the curator, the connection maker, who is the new storyteller, the meta-author. - Brian Eno, in his book review of Writing Space in ARTFORUM, November 1991 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Like the sorcerer's apprentice, we are awash in information without even a broom to help us get rid of it. Information comes indiscriminately, directed at no one in particular, in enormous volume, at high speeds, severed from import and meaning. And there is no loom to weave it all into fabric. No transcendent narratives to provide us with moral guidance, social purpose, intellectual economy. No stories to tell us what we need to know, and what we do not need to know. ...We will have to stop consulting our engineers, our computer gurus, and our corporate visionaries, who, though they claim to speak for the future, are strangely occupied in solving a 19th-century problem that has already been solved. Instead, we will need to consult our poets, playwrights, artists, humorists, theologians, and philosophers, who alone are capable of creating or restoring those metaphors and stories that give point to our labors, give meaning to our history, elucidate the present, and give direction to our future. They are our weavers, and I have no doubt that there are men and women among us who have the looms to weave us a pattern for our lives. The prospect of their doing so is, for me, the gleam of light on the horizon. - Neil Postman, responding to the questions "Where is the darkness? Where is the light?" at the Utne Reader's public salon, reported in Utne Reader, July-August, 1995 There is no central keeper of knowledge in a network, only curators of particular views. - Kevin Kelley, Out Of Control , A William Patrick Book, 1994 At a time when professionals and symbolic analysts move every day a little closer to a kind of permanent "conditon red" of information overload, those who can design and manage systems that control and self-select the flow of information that's really needed will become highly valued members of the corporate staff and the new gurus of the information age. - Thomas Valovic, Corporate Networks: The Strategic Use of Telecommunications, Artec House, 1992 "All intelligent problem solvers are subject to the same ultimate constraints - limitations on space, time, and materials." - Marvin Minsky, quoted in Blasts from the Past, 10 Years Ago in Byte, Byte magazine, April 1995 The size of the pile of information in which we must dig is growing exponentially, and its quality is very likely diminishing. That is why the information flood is dangerous. We must work harder at acquiring meta-information, that is, information about information. Just having some idea about what is "out there" there is a real challenge. Having a marketable uniqueness associated with our own array of layered knowledge will be one of our goals in the information age. - Robert Lucky Silicon Dreams: Information, Man, and Machine, "A Thomas Dunne book" 1989 What about confusing clutter? Information overload? Doesn't data have to be "boiled down" and "simplified"? These common questions miss the point, for the quantity of detail is an issue completely separate from the difficulty of reading. Clutter and confusion are failures of design, not attributes of information. Often the less complex and less subtle the line, the more ambiguous and less interesting is the reading. Stripping the detail out of data is a style based on personal preference and fashion, considerations utterly indifferent to substantive comment. - Edward R. Tufte, quoted by Kevin Kelly in his book review of Envisioning Information, 1990, in the Whole Earth Review No. 70, Spring 1994 Negative information is that which, immediately upon acquiring, causes the recipient to know less than he did before. - From the spy novel Dunn's Conundrum, quoted by Robert Lucky in Silicon Dreams: Information, Man, and Machine, "A Thomas Dunne book" 1989 *** By this certificate know that you, my friends, are lifetime members in good standing in The Society of Childlike Grownups and are hereby and forever entitled to: Walk in the rain, jump in mud puddles, collect rainbows, smell flowers, blow bubbles, stop along the way, build sandcastles, watch the moon and stars come out, say hello to everyone, go barefoot, go on adventures, sing in the shower, have a merry heart, read children's books, act silly, take bubble baths, get new sneakers, hold hands and hug and kiss, dance, fly kites, laugh and cry for the health of it, wander around, feel scared, feel sad, feel mad, feel happy, give up worry and guilt and shame, stay innocent, say yes, say no, say the magic words, ask lots of questions, ride bicycles, draw and paint, see things differently, fall down and get up again, talk with animals, look at the sky, trust the universe, stay up late, climb trees, take naps, do nothing, daydream, play with toys, play under the covers, have pillow fights, learn new stuff, get excited about everything, be a clown, enjoy having a body, listen to music, find out how things work, make up new rules, tell stories, save the world, make friends with the other kids on the block, get wet, hug trees, and do anything else that brings more happiness, celebration, relaxation, communication, health, love, joy, creativity, pleasure, abundance, grace, self-esteem, courage, balance, spontaneity, passion, beauty, peace, and life energy. Furthermore, the above named member is officially authorized to frequent amusement parks, beaches, meadows, mountaintops, swimming pools, forests, playgrounds, picnic areas, summer camps, birthday parties, circuses, cookie shops, ice cream parlors, theaters, aquariums, zoo, museums, planetariums, toy stores, festivals and others places where children of all ages come to play, and encouraged to always remember the motto of The Society of Childlike Grownups: It's Never Too Late To Have A Happy Childhood! "In All Things of Nature There Is Something of the Marvelous" *** Fade to Black, by Metallica Life it seems, will fade away Drifting further every day Getting lost within myself Nothing matters no one else I have lost the will to live Simply nothing more to give There is nothing more for me Need the end to set me free Things not what they used to be Missing one inside of me Deathly lost, this can't be real Cannot stand this hell I feel Emptiness is filling me To the point of agony Growing darkness taking dawn I was me, but now he's gone No one but me can save myself, but it's too late Now I can't think, think why I should even try Yesterday seems as though it never existed Death Greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye *** Politically correct usage when talking to/about females: She does not: GET PMS She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL She does not have: A KILLER BODY She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE She is not: A BAD COOK She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE She is not: A BAD DRIVER She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED She is not a: PERFECT 10 She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR She is not: EASY She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED She does not have: SEXY LIPS She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT She does not get: DRUNK She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED You do not ask her: TO DANCE You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE She is not: A GOSSIP She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER She does not have: A GREAT BUTT She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED She is not: COLD OR FRIGID She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK) Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED She will never: GAIN WEIGHT She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION She does not have: A HARD BODY She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE She does not: SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT Her breast will never: SAG They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS She does not: CUT YOU OFF She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE She does not have: BIG HAIR She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED She does not: SNORE She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE She does not: GET DRUNK She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC She does not have: BIG HOOTERS Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER She is not: TOO SKINNY She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT *** 1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the useless white one. 2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls. 3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully. 4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus. 5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan. 6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you. 7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed. 8. In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had forgotten about, and not charge you a fee for stealing their words. 9. In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears. 10. In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you to that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there. 11. In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch. 12. In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom. 13. In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go... 14. At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you. 15. The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to come over an send you off with a hug, a lot of memories, reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved. 16. Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, hold your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for youwhen they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you! Okay, so it got a little flowery at the end, there... *** Then Jesus took His disciples up on the mountain and gathered them around Him. And He taught them, saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are you who thirst for justice. Blessed are you who are persecuted. Blessed are you who suffer. When these things begin to happen, rejoice, for your reward will be great in Heaven." And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?" And Phillip said, "Will this be on the test?" And John said, "Would you repeat that?" And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples didn't have to learn any of this stuff." And Matthew said, "Huh?" And Judas said, "What's this got to do with real life?" Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, "I don't see any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson plan? Is there a summary? Where's the student guide? Will there be a follow-up assignment?" Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said, "Did we do anything important today?" And Jesus wept. *** I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. ... corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed. -- U.S. President Abraham Lincoln, Nov. 21, 1864, in a letter to Col. William F. Elkins [Ref: "The Lincoln Encyclopedia", Archer H. Shaw (Macmillan, 1950, NY)] *** "The point I have been patiently trying to make," Godwin said impatiently, "is that you expect far too much of a first sentence. Think of it as analogous to a good country breakfast: what we want is something simple, but nourishing to the imagination. Hold the philosophy, hold the adjectives, just give us a plain subject and perhaps a wholesome, nonfattening adverb or two." -- Godwin to Danny Deck, _Some Can Whistle_ *** The Hong Kong Prayer Our Brother Who art in Beijing, Xiao Ping be thy name. United Kingdom gone, Thy will be done, In Hong Kong As it is in China. Give us this day, Our daily bet, And forgive us Our speculations, As we forgive those Who speculate against us. Lead us not Into Communism But deliver us >From gweilos. For this is The Sovereignty, The Power of Authority Forever and ever Chow Mein. -- Allegedly from the South China Morning Post business section circa June 96 *** A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Classifieds CODE WORD..... MEANS 40-ish 48 Adventur Has had more partners than you ever will Affectionate Possessive Artist Unreliable Athletic Flat chested Average looking Ugly Beautiful Pathological liar Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now! Communication important Just try to get a word in edge-wise Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin Educated College dropout Emotionally Secure Medicated Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home Enjoys art and opera Snob Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian Feminist Fat; ball buster Financially Secure One paycheck from the street Free spirit Substance user Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun Annoying Gentle Comatose Good Listener Borderline Autistic Humorous Caustic Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count In Transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills Light drinker Lush Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light Loves Travel If you're paying Loves Animals Cat lady Mature Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did New-Age All body hair, all the time Non-tradional Ex-husband lives in the basement Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded Desperate Outgoing Loud Passionate Loud Petite Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins Poet Depressive Schzophrenic Professional Bitch Redhead Shops on the Clairol aisle Reliable Frumpy Reubenesque Grossly Fat Romantic Looks better by candle light Self-employed Jobless Smart Insipid Special Rode the short schoolbus Spiritual Involved with a cult Stable Boring Tall, thin Anorexic Tan Wrinkled Voluptuous Very Fat Weight proportional to height Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking Widow Nagged first husband to death Writer Pompous Young at heart Toothless crone Sooo, where's the male side of that list? Here, I'll give you a start: CODE WORD... MEANS... 40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old Affectionate Needy and looking for mother-figure Artist Delicate ego badly in need of massage Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back Distinguished-looking Fat, grey, and bald Educated Will always treat you like an idiot Employed On management track at Radio Shack Financially Secure I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life. Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity Fun Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking Arrogant bastard Honest Pathological Liar Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben ISO Slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador retriever Light drinker Headed for AA Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent Like romantic walks on I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to the beach hear Mature Until you get to know him Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself Poet Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated Professional Owns a white button down Reliable Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours Self-employed Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend Sensitive Needy Smart Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV" Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother on easter Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful Says "Please" when demanding a beer Virile Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out Young at heart Pedophile *** The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!' *** Now I Set Me... A 90's Bedtime Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep. PC all set to download a file and send the mail in a little while. Then gather the news before the dawn and all the scores from fans long gone. The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool. Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cutoff. Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension. Burglar alarm on delay activate; Carport lite on, for son who's late. Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight. Air purifier cleans each hour tonite; Water filter to fill the tank just right. VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows. Motion detectors on, to check what moves; White noise machine set to seaside soothes. Camcorder is ready to film in a flash Blender's all set, the fruit to mash. Lord, Bless our all-electric domain; Keep lightning away should it rain. Let no errant shock reset it all; Watch over the breaker box in the hall. I'm wide awake now from all this hassle; God bless our multi-megawatt castle. *** TYPES OF PEOPLE ONE MEETS IN A PUBLIC WASHROOM 1. EXCITABLE--Runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; finally gets it down, finds shorts have twisted around his leg, can't find hole, rips button off in rage, pisses in pants. 2. SOCIABLE--Joins a friend in a piss whether he has to or not. 3. CROSS-EYED--Looks in one on left, pisses in one in middle, flushes one on right. 4. NOSEY--Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. 5. TIMID--Cannot urinate when someone is watching. Flushes urinal as if he has already used it, sneaks back later. 6. INDIFFERENT--All urinals being used, pisses in sink. 7. CLEVER--No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor. 8. WORRIED--Is not sure of what he has been into lately; makes quick inspection. 9. FRIVOLOUS--Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly, never grows up. 10. ABSENT-MINDED--Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 11. DISGUSTED--Stands for a while, gives up, walks out, goes a few paces, turns and charges back. Doesn't make it. 12. SNEAKY--Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will be blamed. 13. CHILDISH--Looks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. 14. PATIENT--Stands for a very long time, reads paper with free hand. 15. DESPERATE--Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pisses in pants. 16. EFFICIENT--Waits until he has to shit and then does both jobs at once. 17. TOUGH--Bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it. 18. FAT--Has to back up and take a long blind shot at urinal, misses,pisses on shoes. 19. LITTLE--Stands on box, falls in, drowns. 20. DRUNK--Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. *** Introduction to Chinese Ai Bang Mai Ne-----------I bumped into the coffee table Ar U Wun Tu-------------A gay liberation greeting Chin Tu Fat---------------You need a face lift Dum Gai-------------------A stupid person Gun Pao Der--------------An ancient Chinese invention Hu Flung Dung-----------Which one of you fertilized the field? Hu Yu Hai Ding----------We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive Jan Ne Ka Sun------------A former late night talk show host Kum Hia------------------Approach me Lao Ze Sho---------------Gilligan's Island Lao Zi---------------------Not very good Lin Ching-----------------An illegal execution Moon Lan Ding---------A great achievement of the American space program Ne Ahn-------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs Shai Gai------------------A bashful person Tai Ne Bae Be-----------A premature infant Tai Ne Po Ne------------A small horse Ten Ding Ba--------------Serving drinks to people Wan Bum Lung----------A person with T.B. Yu Mai Te Tan----------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you Wa Shing Kah------------Cleaning an automobile Wai So Dim--------------Are you trying to save electricity? Wai U Shao Ting--------There is no reason to raise your voice *** 15 things the movies have taught me about America In America * you will always find parking. * your telephone call can be restored by tapping the cut-off button. * no-one says good-bye before hanging up. * no-one ever finishes a meal, or a drink. * people live on cheesecake, cereal and ice-cream. * many people will share a tub of ice-cream - using only one spoon. * cheesecake and ice-cream relieve stress. * nobody buys single servings of ice-cream. * the local heart-throb is always called Skip, Chad or Brad. * if your parents named you Charles, Robert, William or John, you will go through life as Chuck, Bob, Bill or Jack. * town sheriffs are always mean. * cakes are divided into quarters, not slices. * cars lose their hubcaps (wheel trims) when they go around corners. * car chases are everyday occurances. * all cars explode on impact. *** Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score" from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero: Simple Duties --You go out to buy her flowers: +10 --But return with beer: -5 --You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0 --You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0 --You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5 --You pummel it with a six iron: +10 --It's her father: -10 Social Engagements --You stay by her side the entire party: 0 --You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2 --Named Tiffany: -4 --Tiffany is a dancer: -6 --Tiffany has implants: -8 Saturday Afternoons --You visit her parents: +1 --You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3 --You visit her parents and stare at the television: -3 --And the television is off: -6 --You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6 --And you didn't even go to college: -10 --And it's not really your underwear: -15 Her Birthday --You take her out to dinner: 0 --You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1 --Okay, it is a sports bar: -2 --And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3 --It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10 --You give her a gift: 0 --You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10 --You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1 --You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2 --You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30 --You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10 --With her credit card: -30 --And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40 Thoughtfulness --You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25 --Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35 --And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50 A Night Out with Your Pals --You have a few beers: -9 --For every beer after three, -2 again --And miss curfew by an hour: -12 --You get home at 3 a.m.: -20 --You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30 --And not wearing any pants: -40 --Is that a tattoo? -200 A Night Out, Just The Two of You --You go see a comic: +2 --He's crude and sexist: -2 --You laugh: -5 --You laugh too much: -10 --She's not laughing: -15 --You laugh harder: -25 Driving --You lose the directions on a trip: -4 --You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10 --You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15 --You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25 --She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60 Communication --When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0 --When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5 --You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10 --She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10 *** Some are just slips of the tongue .Grandmother of eight makes hole in one .Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing .Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers .House passes gas tax onto senate .Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan .Two convicts evade noose, jury hung .William Kelly was fed secretary .Milk drinkers are turning to powder .Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted .Quarter of a million Chinese live on water .Farmer bill dies in house .Iraqi head seeks arms Some become unintentionally suggestive .Queen Mary having bottom scraped .Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? .Prostitutes appeal to Pope .Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over .NJ judge to rule on nude beach .Soviet virgin lands short of goal again Grammar often botches other headlines .Eye drops off shelf .Squad helps dog bite victim .Dealers will hear car talk at noon .Enraged cow injures farmer with ax .Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests .Miners refuse to work after death .Two Soviet ships collide - one dies .Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended: .Never withhold herpes from loved one .Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy .Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 .Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious .If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while .War dims hope for peace .Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency .Cold wave linked to temperatures .Child's death ruins couple's holiday .Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years .Man is fatally slain .Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say .Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation *** Here's a selection of newspaper headlines on Sunday and Monday from the Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight and its aftermath: "A Bad Bite for Boxing" - The News & Observer of Raleigh. "Twice Bitten" - Times-Picayune of New Orleans. "Bite of the Century!" - Arizona Republic. "Bite Night" - Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader. "Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night" - The Record of Hackensack, N.J. "Reality Bites" - Times Union of Albany, N.Y. "Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell" - Salt Lake Tribune. "Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism" - The (Baltimore) Sun. "Biting Commentary" - The Boston Herald. "Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield" - Huntsville (Ala.) Times. "Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson" - The Indianapolis Star. "Holyfield Can't Stay Unbitten as Heavyweight" - Sun-Sentinel, Fort Lauderdale, Fla. "Earmarks of cowardice" - Houston Chronicle. "Earmark of an eerie night" - The Atlanta Journal and the Atlanta Constitution. "A two-bit bout: Holyfield wins" - Kansas City Star. "From Champ to Chomp" - The Herald-Sun of Durham, N.C. "The Champ and the Chomp" - The Jersey Journal. "Holyfield Still Chomp-ion" - San Francisco Examiner. "Heavyweight Chomp" - Philadelphia Inquirer. "Undisputed Chomp" - USA Today. "World Chomp" - The Sun (London). "Requiem for a Chompion" - Philadelphia Daily News. "Sucker Munch" - The Sun (London). "Biting Back: Evander has public's ear" - Daily News, New York. "Toss Tyson Out on Ear" - Daily News, New York. "Ear Flap" - Newsday. "Ears Have It! Evander Wins" - Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser. "Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow" - Providence Journal-Bulletin. "Dracula" - New York Post. "Champ Chewing Over Legal Options" - New York Post. "It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat" - New York Post. "For Tyson, Tooth Hurts" - New York Post. "Now Ear This: Rematch is Possible" - New York Post. "Lobe Blow for Boxing" - The Tennessean. "Iron Mike Goes Down Biting" - The Sunday Oklahoman. "Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next" - The Daily Oklahoman. "Ear of Scorn" - Kansas City Star. "Pay Per Chew" - Philadelphia Daily News. "Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson Self-Destructs" - Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. "Ear-Responsible" - Fort Worth Star-Telegram. "Tyson Scars Face of Boxing" - The Guardian (London). *** CORPORATE MENTALITY AT THE SYMPHONY A corporation president wsa given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she passed the ticket on to her first lieutenant. The next morning the president asked him how he enjoyed it, and instead of receiving a few pleasant observations of the performance, she was handed a memorandum which read as follows: 1. For a considerable time, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of amplification. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the sixteenth notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest eight note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. 5. This symphony had two movements. If Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had time to finish the symphony. *** The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. That hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job! That uniform makes your ass look really big. Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer. You don't happen to have any beer in your car? I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. Bad Cop! No Donut! Your not gonna check the trunk, are you? Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow Did you happen to attend the Barney Fife Police Academy? Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops? I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend 's nightstand. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? I pay your salary! So, uh, you on the take, or what? Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you. So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot? Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! Aren't you the guy from the village people? Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone. What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey, man, you want a hit? Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? *** Three astronauts, a Russian, an American and a Sardarji are arguing about who's the best. The Russian : WE are the best. WE were the first in space. The American : No, no no. WE are the best. We were the first to put a man on the moon. The Surd : No, no gentlemen. We are the best. WE are planning to land on the Sun. The other two : But... but... you can't do that. The Sun's too hot. The Surd : But we thought of that too. We're going to do it at night. *** Adolf Hitler dies and finds himself in front of the door of Hell. He knocks, Satan opens the door and asks: "What's your name?" "Adolf Hitler", he replies. Satan is flabbergasted. "Adolf Hitler? I know what you did on Earth and there's not way I am going to take you in. Indeed, this is Hell, but there's a limit to everything. Hey, why don't you go to Heaven? Follow the road, there's a big door on the right, you can't miss it." Elated by this stroke of luck, Hitler starts walking towards Heaven. The following day, there's a knock at the door of Hell. Satan opens and finds Jesus standing outside. "Jesus, what are you doing here?", he asks, surprised. And Jesus replies: "I just escaped from the camp and would like to apply for political asylum!" *** Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under the blazing sun for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies live in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes thing for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here! Make it a good one!" The first guy, without thinking, blurted out, "give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer. "Great move, Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of his head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!" *** What is an American? (from The Laugh Page - http://www.mnsinc.com/oalami/LaughPage) We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner". We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car. We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces. *** Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Video Games --------------------------------------------------------- 1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence. 2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters. 3. If it moves, KILL IT! 4. Operating any vehicle or weapon is simple and requires no training. 5. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker than they are to do their dirty work. 6. If you find food lying on the ground, eat it. 7. You can smash things and get away with it. a. Smashing things doesn't hurt. b. Many nice things are hidden inside other things. 8. When someone dies, they disappear. 9. Money is frequently found lying on the streets. 10. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry. 11. You never run out of bullets, only grenades. 12. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently. 13. Whenever huge evil fat men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow. 14. When you are born, you're invulnerable for a brief period of time. 15. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in predictable patterns which makes it easier for you to shoot them all down. 16. All women wear revealing clothing and have great bodies. 17. The enemy always leaves weapons and ammo laying around for no other reason than so their bitter enemies can pick them up and defeat them with it. 18. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents. 19. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names. 20. When driving, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new one will appear in its place. *** Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon on your software development team: 10) "This code is a piece of crap! You have no honor!" 9) "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!" 8) "By filing this bug you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!" 7) "You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!" 6) "Our competitors are without honor!" 5) "Specs are for the weak and timid!" 4) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!" 3) "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!" 2) "My program has just dumped Stova Core!" 1) "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!" *** THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG... Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp and play daily. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joys of a long walk. *** In response to the popular "Woman's 50 Rules for Men"... I don't subscribe to all.....but for the most part..... Here are some rules for women... 1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. 2. Don't cut your hair. Ever. 3. Don't make us guess. 4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. 6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship." 7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. 8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. 9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time. 11. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 12. You have enough clothes. 13. You have too many shoes. 14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. 15. Your brother is an idiot. 16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries. 18. Share the bathroom. 19. Share the closet. 20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a quickie in the morning. 23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 24. Check your oil. 25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. *** COLIN POWELL'S RULES: 1. It ain't as bad as you think. It will look better in the morning. 2. Get mad; then get over it. 3. Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it. 4. It can be done! 5. Be careful what you choose. You may get it. 6. Don't let adverse facts stand in the way of a good decision. 7. Check small things. 8. Share credit. 9. You can't make someone else's choices. You shouldn't let someone else make yours. 10. Remain calm. Be kind. 11. Have a vision. Be demanding. 12. Don't take counsel of your fears or naysayers. 13. Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier. *** I used to program my IBM PC to make hideous noises to wake me up. I also made the conscious decision to hard-code the alarm time into the program, so as to make it more difficult for me to reset it. After I realised that I was routinely getting up, editing the source file, recompiling the program and rerunning it for 15 minutes extra sleep, before going back to bed, I gave up and made the alarm time a command-line option. -- B.M. Buck *** This is chocolate and marshmallow the way it was meant to be. Most marshmallow variegates disappear into nothingness. You can see the white streaks but you can't taste them, you can't feel them, you can't experience the true glorious marshmallowness of it all. Not so with Phish Food TM. If anyone doesn't think this flavor is marshmallowy enough, I'll start 'bouncing Ben & Jerry's Phish Food TM Ice Cream around the room!' (to quote a Phish lyric) -- Ben & Jerry's co-founder Ben Cohen, expounding on their new "Phish Food" ice cream (named, of course, after the band Phish) (Source: B&J's press-release at: http://www.benjerry.com/library/pressrel/phish-pr.html) *** How long will it be before ... the man sitting in London will see all things passing in Asia, or whenever it pleases him or an agent to turn a mirror on a view? It will be. Or how long before the discovery of cheap and perfect aerial navigation will change society and annihilate national distinctions? That, too, will be. These and a thousand stranger discoveries will during the ensuing century burst upon the world, changing it utterly. -- Charles Godfrey Leland, Gypsy Sorcery and Fortune Telling (1891) *** When Robert Tappan Morris Jr. tried it, they locked him up. When James Gosling tried it, they gave him stock options and an award. -- Michael O'Brien in the "Ask Mr. Protocol" section of SunExpert Magazine May 1997. [Submitter notes: The context is running executable code on a remote computer over a network. Robert Morris Jr. is the author of the Internet Worm that brought the Internet to a standstill back in the late eighties. James Gosling is the chief architect of the Java programming language, which offers remote execution functionality.] *** We can always choose to perceive things differently. You can focus on what's wrong in your life, or you can focus on what's right. But whatever you focus on, you're going to get more of. Creation is an extension of thought. Think lack and you get lack. Think abundance and you get more. A hidden belief that many of us hold is that there is something wrong with being too happy. We have been taught that it's arrogant to think we're deserving of total happiness. If anything comes into our lives-love, success, happiness-which seems like it would be suited to a 'deserving person' person, we conclude that it can't possibly be for us. We have been unable to accept joy because it doesn't match who we think we are, yet it is not only our right, but in a way, our responsibility to be happy. -- Marianne Williamson, A return to love (from the back of a Celestial Seasonings Strawberry & Kiwi herbal tea packet.) *** [Software] publishers often refer to prohibited copying as 'piracy.' In this way, they imply that illegal copying is ethically equivalent to attacking ships on the high seas, kidnapping and murdering the people on them. If you don't believe that illegal copying is just like kidnapping and murder, you might prefer not to use the word 'piracy' to describe it. Neutral terms such as 'prohibited copying' or 'illegal copying' are available for use instead. Some of us might even prefer to use a positive term such as 'sharing information with your neighbour.' -- the Free Software Foundation (the GNU folks), in http://www.gnu.org/philosophy/words-to-avoid.html *** It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) =46rom: Document (from sheet music corrected by Michael Stipe) That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane and Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs. Feed it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength, Ladder start to clatter with fear fight down height. Wire in a fire, representing seven games, a government for hire and a combat site. Left of west and coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped. Look at that low playing! Fine, then. Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it'll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign towers. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn. Locking in, uniforming, book burning, blood letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate. Light a candle, light a votive. Step down, step down. Watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no fear cavalier. Renegade steer clear! A tournament, tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine. The other night I dreamt of knives, continental drift divide. Mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic, slam book neck, right? Right. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine...fine... (It's time I had some time alone) Applicable copyright is implicit (Copyright =A9 R.E.M./Athens Ltd. for all R.E.M. originals). These lyrics are official only when stated and in other cases represent a collaborative interpretation by fans *** The Facts of Life: 1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with. 4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 peaple are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. 6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. 12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 14. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he thinks. 16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. 18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. *** > The following poem appeared recently in INFOCUS magazine. The original > authors were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary of > Grand Rapids, MI. > > A poll conducted among INFOCUS readers had established "waka" as the > proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters <> and, though > some readers held out resolutely for "norkies." > > The text of the poem follows: > > <> !*''# > ^"`$$- > !*=@$_ > %*<> ~#4 > &[]../ > |{,,SYSTEM HALTED > > The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit: > > Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, > Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, > Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, > Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, > Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, > Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH. *** In every field of human endeavor, he that is first must perpetually live in the white light of publicity. Whether the leadership be vested in a man or in a manufactured product, emulation and envy are ever at work. In art, in literature, in music, in industry, the reward and the punishment are always the same. The reward is widespread recognition. The punishment, fierce denial and detraction. When a man's work becomes a standard for the whole world, it also becomes a target for the shafts of the envious few. If his work is merely mediocre he will be left severely alone. If he achieve a masterpiece, it will set a million tongues a-wagging. Jealousy does not protrude its forked tongue at the artist who produces a common place painting. Whatsoever you write, or paint, or play, or sing, or build, no one will strive to surpass or to slander you, unless your work be stamped with the seal of genius. Long, long after a great work or a good work has been done, those who are disappointed or envious continue to cry out that it cannot be done. Spiteful little voices in the domain of art were raised against our own whistler as a mountebank, long after the big world had acclaimed him its greatest artistic genius. Multitudes flocked to Bayreuth to worship at the musical shrine of Wagner, while the little group of those whom he had dethroned and displaced argued angrily that he was no musician at all. The little world continued to protest that Fulton could never build a steamboat, while the big world flocked to the river banks to see his boat steam by. The leader is assailed because he is a leader. And the effort to equal him is merely added proof of the leadership. Failing to equal or to excel, the follower seeks to depreciate and to destroy, but only confirms once more the superiority of that which he strives to supplant. There is nothing new in this. It is as old as the world and as old as the human passions: envy, fear, greed, ambition and the desire to surpass. And it all avails nothing. If the leader truly leads, he remains - the leader. Master poet, master painter, master workman, each in his turn is assailed. And each holds his laurels through the ages. That which is good or great makes itself known. No matter how loud the clamor of denial, that which deserves to live - lives. Damn, you would have thought this was about me, but alas this text appeared as an advertisement in the Saturday Evening Post * January 2nd in the year 1915 * copyright, Cadillac Motor Division *** "Ladies and gentlemen, we often hear politicians saying how they want government to empower you, so that you can do things. "That's not the way it is," Ryan told them forcefully. "Thomas Jefferson wrote that governments derive their just powers from the *consent* of the governed. That's you. The Constitution is something you should all read. The Constitution of the United States was not written to tell you what to do. The Constitution establishes the relationship among the three branches of government. It tells the government what it may do, and it also tells the government what it may *not* do. The government may *not* restrict your speech. The government may *not* tell you how to pray. The government may *not* do a lot of things. Government is a lot better at taking things away than it is at giving, but most of all, the government does not empower you. You empower the government. Ours is a government of the people You are *not* people who belong to the government." -- Jack Ryan, _Executive Orders_ by Tom Clancy *** What might have happened if government bureaucracy were as entrenched then as it is now. Think about it. ---------------------------------------------------- The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify. 5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. 10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown *** THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG... Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp and play daily. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle him or her gently. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joys of a long walk. *** Jacob's ladder (at http://www.oceanstar.com/horror/jacoblad.htm ): So my hub-sand watched "Jacob's Ladder" the other night, and I wandered in and out while he was watching. We rewound to the scene at the dance party ("voulez-vous coucher avec moi?") and went (as best we could, with a cheap VCR) frame-by-frame through the snapping- wolf-jaw writhing-tentacle bleeding-bat-wings-&-claws sequence. Good stuff! Almost pulled off a subliminal there, I would say. What I said to my hub-sand: "Now that Adrian Lyne has squished absolutely everything that Americans have been obsessed with for the past 10-15 years into one movie -- Viet Nam, New York City, subway violence, devils, angels, tentacles, goat heads, fortune-tellin' women, blacks & whites, government conspiracies, secret experiments, drugs, psychiatrists, institutional insensitivity, anxious men in those wood-n-glass cop-shop cubicles, dark-haired jezebels with great thighs, preppie ex-wives, cute kids w/ bikes and bunkbeds, sex in the shower, books with creepy engravings in them, identity crises because they lost your file, funerals, black umbrellas in the rain, drinking after funerals, old places with dim light and dark wooden stairways, raw-looking flesh, sinister surgeons, hospital gowns, surgical masks, hospital gurneys, first-aid stretchers, fucked-up metal wheels on carts, weird-looking trash, miscellaneous body parts, black women who wear out-of-style coats and sing offkey in the streets and are so real and heart-warming you just hafta love 'em, male bonding, lawyers, court rooms, phones, civil suits, men in suits who shove you into cars, baby dolls, baby carriages, babies crying, men who tell you to keep your big fat mouth shut or else, cars out of control, men in uniform, oh no lost my glasses, dirt, hostile birds flapping their wings so you can't see what's going on, we can't talk here because it's not safe, cops cruising by in cop cars, and by all means we have to include moving upward into the beatific white light as you die -- now that all of that's been put in one movie, would someone puh-leeeeeze -- OOPS -- I forgot about homeless people, the problem of evil, survivor guilt, 60's burnout guilt, bad drugs, peace signs, pentacles, ugly things that happen in bathrooms, rock music, alcohol, marijuana, helicopters with blades going whirr-whirr or whack-whack, cars chasing people, cars crushing people, cars exploding in balls of flames, cars in those weird non-road places they have in some cities, people who stand by and look glazed while strangers are being abducted, anyway-- now that Adrian Lyne has given us all THAT in a mere two hours, will someone puh-leeeeeze (pretty please) make a movie about SOMETHING ELSE?" *** http://www.salon1999.com/09/features/wallace1.html "It seems to me that the intellectualization and aestheticizing of principles and values in this country is one of the things that's gutted our generation. All the things that my parents said to me, like "It's really important not to lie." Okay, check, got it. I nod at that but I really don't feel it. Until I get to be about thirty and I realize that if I lie to you, I also can't trust you. I feel that I'm in pain, I'm nervous, I'm lonely and I can't figure out why. Then I realize, "Oh, perhaps the way to deal with this is really not to lie." The idea that something so simple and, really, so aesthetically uninteresting -- which for me meant you pass over it for the interesting, complex stuff -- can actually be nourishing in a way that arch, meta, ironic, pomo stuff can't, that seems to me to be important. That seems to me like something our generation needs to feel." - DFW, Infinite Jest *** The following are all quotes from 11 year old's science exams: 1) When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire. 2) H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. 3) To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test = tube. 4) When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. 5) Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free = state. 6) Water is composed of 2 gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. = Hydrogin is gin and water. 7) Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. 8) Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 9) Respiration is composed of 2 acts, first inspiration, and then = expectoration. 10) The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader. 11) Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead = of the bull. 12) Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes = them perspire. 13) A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. 14) Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like = umbrellas. 15) The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the = abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains = the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of = which there are five - a, e, i, o, & u. 16) The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. 17) The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. 18) The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out = and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is = something to hitch meat to. 19) A permanent set of teeth consists of 8 canines, 8 cuspids, 2 molars, = & 8 cuspidors. 20) The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends = towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature = abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. 21) A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it = is. 22) Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects = on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception. 23) Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. 24) Germinate: To become a naturalized German. 25) Liter: A nest of young puppies. 26) Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. 27) Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. 28) Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky. 29) Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot. 30) Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. 31) Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is = affirmative or negative. 32) To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. 33) For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the = heart stops. 34) For drowing: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make = artifical perspiration. 35) For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm = above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest = medical doctor. 36) For dog bite: Put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not = recovered, then kill it. 37) For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is = dead. 38) To prevent contraception: wear a condominium. 39) For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in = your throat. 40) To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow. *** Here are the answers to 31 of life's most often asked questions....this is another in a long line of potential doctoral theses... 1. Why are men such jerks? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood. 2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. 3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. 4. Why do men always say such stupid things? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. 5. Why are men so uncommunicative? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. 6. Why do men have to act like such retards? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. 7. Why can't men just share their feelings? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. 8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e., lie down and hug)? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters...Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. 9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. 10. Why can't men just say "I love you?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. 11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. 12. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?" 1. Please sleep with me. 2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did. 3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do. 4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening. 5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time. 6. Stop nagging me. 7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here? 13. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. 14. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. 15. What's with all the belching and farting? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. 16. Why do men hate shopping? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying? 17. Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down? Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please. 18. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive? Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for? 19. Why do men act like they own the remote control? What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it. 20. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds? Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?) 21. Why do men fear commitment? Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger...err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags. 22. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girlfriend?" It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly. 23. What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?" Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection. 24. Do all men really masturbate? Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons. 25. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength? Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) 26. Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination? It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) 27. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women? As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either. 28. Why do men like younger women? Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies. 29. Why do men only have one thing on their minds? While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often. 30. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e., "Whatever do you see in that fat pig?")? Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness. 31. Why are men such dogs? I resent that. Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient... *** Dog Rules The dog is not allowed in the house. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture. The dog can get on the old furniture only. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only The dog can sleep under the covers every night. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog. *** All the world's a VAX, And all the coders merely butchers; They have their exits and their entrails; And one int in his time plays many widths, His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, And shining morning face, creeping like slug Unwillingly to school. -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 *** Prayer for the day Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and that is when I'm going to need a lot of help. Amen. -- Found in the Sunday bulletin of St. Mary's Catholic Center in College Station, Texas *** A retiring Phys Chem professor was setting his last exam, for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored with it all, and with a well-kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet: "Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with proof." He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to his query. One A was awarded. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. There are two possible conditions: Condition One: if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose. Conversely, Condition Two: if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. We can solve this with the 1990 postulation of Theresa LeClair, the girl who lived across the hall from me during my first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, condition two above has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and hell is exothermic. *** A friend returned from Eagle River, WI and brought this poster from Cathy's ice cream'n candy shoppe & David L. Clark Realty. WHEN FISHERMEN MEET "Hiyamac" "Lobuddy" "Binearlong?" "Coplours" "Cetchenny?" "Goddafew" "Kindarthay?" "Bassencarp" "Ennysizetoom?" "Couplapowns" "Hittinhard?" "Sordalike" "Wachoosen?" "Gobbawurms" "Fishanonaboddum?" "Rydononaboddum" "Whatchadrinkin?" "Jugajimbeam" "Igoddago" "Tubad" "Seeyaroun" "Yeahtakideezy" "Guluck" *** I think it would be [...] a lot better if the individual networks were free to choose their own rating-system and see what worked, and let the free market decide. For instance, it really should distinguish between nudity and violence: It's one thing for a kid to see someone nude; it's another thing for a kid to see someone having their skin peeled off by a huge, humongous insect. -- Libertarian attorney Nancy Lord, speaking on "CNN & Company" about the new V-chip TV-ratings, which rate by age rather than content [961219] *** I have one major goal for my life's second half; that is to see and live my life through my own eyes, not the eyes of younger people who see a middle-aged woman past her prime, not through the eyes of those older who think I lack the experiences and wisdom to make sound decisions, not even though the eyes of my love. This way, for better or worse, this life will be mine to claim. -- in a letter from Bonnie Johnson to the fan mailing list for the TV show Nowhere Man , Sat, 18 Jan 1997 *** An item from August 3, 1997's San Jose Mercury News, an interview with Scott McNealy, Sun Microsystems's CEO. Q. How do you see that [corporate culture] changing over the next 15 years; is there anything that you definitely would not welcome? A. ... We had 12.9 gigabytes of PowerPoint slides on our network. And I thought, "What a huge waste of corporate productivity." So we banned it. And we've had three unbelievable record-breaking fiscal quarters since we banned PowerPoint. Now, I would argue that every company in the world, if it would just ban PowerPoint, would see their earnings skyrocket. Employees would stand around going, "What do I do? Guess I've got to go to work." *** Here is the 90's revised version? 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way getting out of town for the weekend with that special someone you met at the Chippendale Club. Most men are deluded and hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of their rich fantasy life. 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, take that extra valium with a slug of vodka and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work- weary people. Be a little gay and invite your lesbian friend Sheila to spend the night with the two of you. His boring day may need a lift. 3. Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up Scotch bottles, rubber panties, vibrator, etc. Then run a chain saw over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a hell hole with no possible means of escape, nd it will give you a lift, too. 4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to bind and gag children's hands and faces if they are small, shave their hair, and if necessary, change their medication. They are future psychopaths and he would like to see them playing the part. 5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all possible escape routes and sound proof the house so there is no possibility of neighbors hearing the screams. Try to encourage the children to stare psychotically and be insanely, even, frighteningly, happy to see him. Greet him with a warm sledgehammer and be glad to see him. 6. Some Dont's: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's an inadequate provider and the looser your family predicted he would be. Count this as minor compared with what he might have been, had he not gotten you pregnant at 14. 7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink spiked with enough zanex to choke a horse, ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind before you come at him with the knife. 8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to hurt him with, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him pass out in a drunken stupor first. 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to cut him off from the rest of the world until you are assured he can find no help from the strain and pressure, of his home, and relax. 10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of totalitarian control and fear where your husband can scream as loud as humanly possible, but no one will hear. *** Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. *** "The Window" (Author unknown) Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour a day to drain the fluids from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed next to the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed would live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the outside world. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake, the man had said. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Lovers walked arm in arm amid flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Unexpectedly, an alien thought entered his head: Why should he have all the pleasure of seeing everything while I never get to see anything? It didn't seem fair. As the thought fermented, the man felt ashamed at first. But as the days passed and he missed seeing more sights, his envy eroded into resentment and soon turned him sour. He began to brood and found himself unable to sleep. He should be by that window - and that thought now controlled his life. Late one night, as he lay staring at the ceiling, the man by the window began to cough. He was choking on the fluid in his lungs. The other man watched in the dimly lit room as the struggling man by the window groped for the button to call for help. Listening from across the room, he never moved, never pushed his own button which would have brought the nurse running. In less than five minutes, the coughing and choking stopped, along with the sound of breathing. Now, there was only silence-deathly silence. The following morning the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths. When she found the lifeless body of the man by the window, she was saddened and called the hospital attendant to take it away-no works, no fuss. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it all himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. Moral of the story: The pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice...it is a positive attitude we consciously choose to express. It is not a gift that gets delivered to our doorstep each morning, nor does it come through the window. And I am certain that our circumstances are just a small part of what makes us joyful. If we wait for them to get just right, we will never find lasting joy. The pursuit of happiness is an inward journey. Our minds are like programs, awaiting the code that will determine behaviors; like bank vaults awaiting our deposits. If we regularly deposit positive, encouraging, and uplifting thoughts, if we continue to bite our lips just before we begin to grumble and complain, if we shoot down that seemingly harmless negative thought as it germinates, germinates, we will find there is much to rejoice about. *** HOW TO SING THE BLUES (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky) 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. I got a good woman-- with the meanest dog in town. 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500 pounds. 4. The blues are not about limitless choice. 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: a. violet b. beige c. mauve 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. 10. Good places for the Blues: a. the highway b. the jailhouse c. the empty bed Bad places for the Blues a. Ashrams b. Gallery openings c. weekend in the Hamptons 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if: a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis. d. you can't be satisfied. No, if: a. you were once blind but now can see. b. you're deaf c. you have a trust fund. 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: a. wine b. Irish whiskey c. muddy water d. one bourbon, one scotch and one beer Blues beverages are NOT: a. Any mixed drink b. Any wine kosher for Passover c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment. 16. Some Blues names for Women a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie 17. Some Blues Names for Men a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightning Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 17B. Other Blues Names (Mix and Match Starter Kit) a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) *** Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear and you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go. You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now... feeling better? *** Subject: Creative Euphemisms for Stupidity *Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. *Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. *A room temperature IQ. *Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. *A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. *A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. *A prime candidate for natural deselection. *Bright as Alaska in December. *One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. *Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it. *During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. *Fell out of the family tree. *Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. *Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. *He's so dense, light bends around him. *If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. *If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. *If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. *If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. *It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm. *One neuron short of a synapse. *Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled. *Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes". *Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. *Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. *** You think your town is tuff. HA ! Baltimore Maryland has: * hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register * ice-cream trucks that play "taps" * gun shops that have "Back to School" sales * high school newspapers with obituary columns * restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb * school songs w/o music; the accompaniment is Police sirens * nite clubs that frisk ya & if ya don't have a gun, they lend you one * chapters of Jehovah's Alibiers * confessionals with bouncers * bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand * schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer * Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys * advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw * a 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list * "honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor" * Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man * hit men with concrete on their breath *** To construct a Shakespearean insult, combine one word from each of the three columns below, and preface it with "Thou": Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 artless base-court apple-john bawdy bat-fowling baggage beslubbering beef-witted barnacle bootless beetle-headed bladder churlish boil-brained boar-pig cockered clapper-clawed bugbear clouted clay-brained bum-bailey craven common-kissing canker-blossom currish crook-pated clack-dish dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb droning doghearted codpiece errant dread-bolted death-token fawning earth-vexing dewberry fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker goatish fly-bitten fustilarian gorbellied folly-fallen giglet impertinent fool-born gudgeon infectious full-gorged haggard jarring guts-griping harpy loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger mangled hell-hated joithead mewling idle-headed lewdster paunchy ill-breeding lout pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie puking knotty-pated malt-worm puny milk-livered mammet qualling motley-minded measle rank onion-eyed minnow reeky plume-plucked miscreant roguish pottle-deep moldwarp ruttish pox-marked mumble-news saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg spongy rude-growing pignut surly rump-fed puttock tottering shard-borne pumpion unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane vain spur-galled scut venomed swag-bellied skainsmate villainous tardy-gaited strumpet warped tickle-brained varlet wayward toad-spotted vassal weedy unchin-snouted whey-face yeasty weather-bitten wagtail *** HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: *Drink liquor. Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you'r drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room. *Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom." *Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-=E0-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "QED", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-=E0-vis Peruvians qu= a Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. QED" Only a fool would challenge that statement. *Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples to oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865. You say: You're begging the question. You say: Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa. You say: You're being defensive. *Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler." So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons. *** MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF...? Amnesia What did you just ask me? Apathy I don't care. Bigotry I'm not going to tell someone like you. Dyslexia Beeing Sackwards Egotistical I'm the best person to answer that question. Evasive Go do your homework. Ignorance I don't know. Indifference It doesn't matter. Influenza You've got to be sick to ask me that question. Insomnia I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer. Narcissism Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great? Over-Protective I don't know if you're ready for the answer. Paranoid You probably think I don't know the answer, do you? Procrastination I'll tell you tomorrow. Repetitive I already told you the answer once before. Self-Centered Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters. Suspicious Why are you asking me all these questions? *** Letter to Dad: Dear Dad, $chool is really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge s a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad *** GENERATION X AND THEIR OFFICE LINGO Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence. Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles. Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking for references to one's own name. Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators running . Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato. CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big mistake. SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny . Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists." Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." World Wide Wait - The real meaning of WWW. CGI Joe - A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure. Dorito Syndrome - Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome." Under Mouse Arrest - Getting busted for violating an on-line service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest." Glazing - Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?" Dead Tree Edition - The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..." Graybar Land - The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering." Open-Collar Workers - People who work at home or telecommute. Squirt The Bird - To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?" Brain Fart - A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations. Cobweb Site - A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page. It's a Feature - From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over. Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque." Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here." Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rack and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Gray Matter - Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established. Salmon Day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end. Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands 404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404. Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993. *** From the book Brain Droppings by George Carlin: People Who Should Be Phased Out * Guys who harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday." * People over 40 who can't put on reading glasses without making self-conscious remarks about their advancing age. * Guys who wink when they're kidding. * Men who propose marriage on the giant TV screen at a sports stadium. * Guys in their 50s who flash me the peace sign and really mean it. * People with a patch of natural white hair who think it makes them look interesting. * Guys with creases in their jeans. * Guys who want to shake my hand even though we just saw each other an hour ago. * Guys who wear suits all day and think an earring makes them cool at night. * Old people who tell me what the weather used to be where they used to live. * Men who have one long, uninterrupted eyebrow. * Guys who wink and give me the peace sign simultaneously. * People who say, "Knock knock," when entering a room and, "Beep beep," when someone is in their path. * People who have memorized a lot of TV-show theme songs and are really proud of it. * People who give their house of car a name. * People who give thir genitals a name. * Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit. * Actors who drive race cars. * Men who wear loafers without socks. Especially if they have creases in their jeans. * Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent. * Guys who still smell like their soap in the late afternoon. * Guys who wear their watches on the inside of their wrists. * Any man who wears a suit and tie to a ballgame. * Guys who flash me the thumbs-up sign. Especially if they're winking and making the peace sign with the other hand. *** INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS - As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath - I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. - I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. - I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed. - In some cultures what I do would be considered normal. - Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. - My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment. - I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more. - I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. - Joan of Arc heard voices too. - I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me. - I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. - As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. - When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying. - The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. - As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. - All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. - I am at one with my duality. - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday. - Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. - Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Or should I move up to incessant nagging? - I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." - False hope is nicer than no hope at all. - A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem. - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. - Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone. - Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working. - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. - Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents. - To understand all is to fear all. - I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. - The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home. - When I dance through life I do the Texas Two-Step. - My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass? - To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. - I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. *** From the book Brain Droppings by George Carlin: I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic. Opposite-Same-Opposite Sometimes the same words mean opposite things. Sometimes the opposite is true. Shock absorbers are called shocks. Slow down and slow up are interchangeable. Bad taste is tasteless. Sports fans say "turf" when they mean artificial turf. Something invaluable is very valuable. I'll bet you could care less. Or maybe you couldn't care less. Same difference. By the way, is it " from here on in" or "from here on out"? Expressions I Question "In the privacy of your own home." As opposed to what? The privacy of someone else's home? You have no privacy in someone else's home; that's why you got your own home. "Down the pike." "He was themeanest guy ever to come down the pike." Fine. What about guys who come UP the pike? Now everyone lives "north of the pike." Some guys have to come up the pike, and they're really mean, because nobody mentions them at all. And what about a guy who doesn't even use the pike? He arrives on Amtrak! "Boy, he was the meanest guy ever to arrive on Amtrak." Doesn't sound right. "Open a can of worms." Why would you have to open it? Are there really sealed cans of worms? Who sealed them? Worms are usually put in a can after it has been opened, and emptied of something else, like corn or pumpkin meat. Uncover a can of worms, maybe. But not open. Why do we say "out like a light?" The primary function of a light is to be lit, not to be out. Why choose a light to represent the concept of being out? Why not, "On like a light?" The same is true of "Dropping like flies;" the wrong quality is being emphasized. Flies are known for flying, not dropping. And let's forget "Meteoric rise." Meteors don't rise, they fall. *** My obsession: a life that shrivels up, slowly rots, goes soft as pulp. This worry about decline grabs me by the throat as I awake. In the brief interval between dream and waking, it flaunts before my eyes the frenzied dance of everything I would have liked to do, and never will. As I turn over and over in my bed, the fear of the too late, of the irreversible, propels me to the mirror to shave and get ready for the day. And that is the moment of truth. The moment of the old questions. What am I today? Am I capable of renewel? What are the chances I might still produce something I do not expect of myself? For my life unfolds mainly in the yet to come, and is based on waiting. Mine is a life of preparation. I enjoy the present only insofar as it is a promise of the future. I am looking for the Promised Land and listening to the music of my tomorrows. My food is anticipation. My drug is hope. -- The Statue Within: An Autobiography by Francois Jacob *** Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word "Pants" for key words: -We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down. -The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts. -I find your lack of pants disturbing. -These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it. -Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time! -General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault. -I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home. -TK-421... Why aren't you in your pants? -Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants. -You are unwise to lower your pants. -She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander. -Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board. -You look strong enough to pull the pants of a Gundark. -Luke... Help me remove these pants. -Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants. -That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational! -A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. -Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into pants a lot more heavily guarded than this. -Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness. -Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. . . Your sister! -Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser. -Short pants is better than no pants at all. *** Evolutionary Hymn C.S. Lewis Lead us, Evolution, lead us Up the future's endless stair: Chop us, change us, prod us, weed us. For stagnation is despair: Groping, guessing, yet progressing, Lead us nobody knows where. Wrong or justice in the present, Joy or sorrow, what are they While there's always jam to-morrow, While we tred the onward way? Never knowing where we're going, We can never go astray. To whatever variation Our posterity may turn Hairy, squashy, or crustacean, Bubous-eyed or square of stern, Tusked or toothless, mild or ruthless, Towards that unknown god we yearn. Ask not if it's god or devil, Brethren, lest your words imply Static norms of good and evil (As in Plato) throned on high; Such scholastic, inelastic, abstract yardsticks we deny. Far too long have sages vainly Glossed great Nature's simple text; He who runs can read it plainly, 'Goodness == what comes next.' By evolving, Life is solving All the questions we perplexed. On then! Value means survival -- Value. If our progeny Spreads and spawns and licks each rival, That will prove its deity (Far from pleasant, by our present Standards, though it well may be). *** I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals. I like monkeys. *** The Indians, for their part, were often contemptuous of Arkansas white "civilization", The head of a Cherokee delegation, Nutararuh, was quoted in the Arkansas Gazette, published in Little Rock (April 23, 1828), as claiming that in Arkansas Indians were more advanced than whites when it came to farming, building, clothes, morality, and even reading and writing. "But if civilization consists of pitched battles, to murder one another, or in shooting our neighbors and brothers in streets and places of public resort, then we are in a woeful state of barbarism." -- Paul Johnson, from The Birth of the Modern: World Society 1815-1830 *** You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desparately to shed? Pure West Virginia. What's your father, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you... all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars...while you could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way to the FBI. -- Silence of the Lambs *** A letter from school: Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love,Your $on. A week later....a letter from 'HOME' dear son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraghy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad. *** How to Identify Where a Driver is From: One hand on steering wheel and one hand on horn: New York; One hand on steering wheel and one finger out window: Chicago; One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper while reading it and foot solidly on accelerator: Boston; One hand on steering wheel cradling cell phone & brick on accelerator: California; Same as above plus gun in lap: Los Angeles; Both hands on steering wheel, eyes completely shut both feet on brake and quivering in terror: Ohio but driving in California; Both hands in air gesturing wildly, both feet on accelerator and talking to someone in back seat: Italy; One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake and mind on game: Seattle; One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating both between both feet being on accelerator abd both on brake while throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texac city male; One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down center of road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on left side of lane: Texas country male; One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show the different angles of of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush and rat-tail to keep helmet hair going, both feet on accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with Mother of Pearl inlaid handle in glove compartment: Texas female; Both hands on steering wheel, in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own and another's car: Colorado; One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with a Texas plate; Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male; Junker driven by someone who previously had a ice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas; Two hands gripping steering wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 mph on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver. *** Just a line to say I'm living, That I'm not among the dead. Tho' I'm getting more forgetful, And more mixed up in the head. For sometimes I can't remember When I stand at the foot of the stair, If I must go up for something Or if I've just come down from there. And before the "fridge" so often My poor mind is filled with doubt- Have I just put the food away, Or have I come to take it out? And then at times, when it's dark outside And with my nightcap on my head, I don't know if I'm retiring- Or just getting out of bed! So, if it's my turn to write you, There's no need in getting sore. I may think I've already written And so don't want to be a bore. So remember that I think of you And wish that you were here. And, now the mailman's coming, So I must say "Good Bye, My Dear". And here I stand beside the mailbox With a face so very red! Instead of mailing you the letter, I have opened it instead!!! *** A British climber's attempt to conquer the 14 highest peaks in the world has been foiled - by a chapati. Alan Hinkes pulled a muscle in his back while eating the thin unleavened bread on a Himalyan mountanside. Flour on the chapati blew in his face, causing him to sneeze. "I have never had back problems before but after sneezing I was in agony," Hinkes said. -- from a wire service story in the Winnipeg Free Press *** NATIONAL CONDOM MONTH SLOGANS 1) Cover your stump before you hump 2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie 4) When in doubt shroud you spout 5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong 7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize 11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12) If you go into heat, package your meat 13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis 14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse 15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker 17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18) The right selection, is to protect your erection 19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil 20) A crank with armor, will never harm her 21) If you really love her, wear a cover 22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake 23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener 24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket 25) No glove, no love 26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye 27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver 28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax 29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt 30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown 31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam 32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed 33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink 34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground 35) Cloak the joker before you poke her 36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch 37) Cape your throbber before you bob her 38) After detection sheath your erection 39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate 40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser 41) Cover that lumber before you pump her 42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle 43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle 44) House your noodle then release your strudel 45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound 46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey 47) Cage that snake then shake and bake 48) Cover your peter it will be much neater 49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore 50) It's always funky to cage your monkey *** Dear Sir (or Madam): My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Ute, Iowa, received a check for $1000.00 from the government for not raising 50 hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what kind is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all the government policies. I would very much prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't riased. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422.00 in 1971, and this is until this year when he received your check for $1000 for not raising 50 hogs. If I get $1000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will bring in about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford that airplane I've been wanting. Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat about 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising any corn to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information your department has on this program, too. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and will qualify for unemployment compensation and food stamps. Be most assured that you and the President will have my vote in the coming election. Patriotically yours, Just Waiting In Iowa PS Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more surplus cheese? -Originally printed in the Herbal Spotlight (Hubble Hill Herbs, PO Box 2083, Loveland, CO 80539) *** If you think you are beaten, you are, if you think you dare not, you don't. If you like to win, but you think you can't, it is almost certain you won't. If you think you'll lose, you're lost. For out in the world we find, Success begins with a fellow's will -- It's all in the state of mind. If you think you are outclassed, you are, You've got to think high to rise. You've got to be sure of yourself before you can ever win a prize. Life's batters don't always go to the stronger or faster man, But soon or late the man who wins is the man WHO THINKS HE CAN! *** Tony Blair PM - I'm tory plan B Virginia Bottomley - I'm an evil Tory bigot Michael Heseltine - Elect him, he's alien David Mellor - Dildo marvel The Houses of Parliament - Loonies far up the Thames Francois Mitterand - Mad strain of cretin Performance related pay - Mere end of year claptrap Dame Agatha Christie - I am a right death case The Open University - Intrusive Neophyte The Metropolitan Police Force - I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop Acorn Computers - Crap to consumer Benson and Hedges - NHS been a godsend Eastenders - needs a rest Home and Away - Aha..yawn mode Eldorado - Real dodo Selina Scott - Elastic snot Peter Ustinov - Eruptive snot Actors - scrota Robert DeNiro - error on bidet Rita Hayworth - Hot hairy wart Sir Alec Guinness - Clearing sinuses Mel Gibson - big melons Arnold Schwarzenegger - He's grown large 'n' crazed Kylie Minogue - I like 'em young Gloria Estefan - large fat noise Chris Rea - rich arse Marti Pellow - Ill tapeworm Madonna, the material girl - Real dim man-eating harlot Ossie Ardiles - Arse is soiled Diego Maradona - O dear, I'm a gonad Martina Navratilova - Variant rival to a man Gabriela Sabatini - Insatiable airbag Irritable Bowel Syndrome - O my terrible drains below Boddingtons, the cream of Manchester - Boddington's stomach ache fermenter Stella Artois, reassuringly expensive - Pint 'o' lager virtually erases sexiness An Intel Pentium Processor - Customer nipple not arisen Pentium Processor - Computerises porn Motorway Service Station - I eat coronary vomit stews *** From twenty to thirty if a man lives right, It's once in the morning and twice at night From thirty to forty if he still lives right He misses in the morning AND sometimes at night From forty to fifty it's just now and then From fifty to sixty it's God knows when His sporting days are over, his little light is out What used to be his pride and joy is now his water spout It used to be embarrassing, making it behave It stood up in the morning and watched him have a shave But now he's getting older it sure gives him the blues To see it hanging upside-down and watch him tie his shoes. *** From the book Brain Droppings by George Carlin: GET A LIFE One morning I get up, get out of bed, get showered, get some, breakfast, and get to thinkin', "I'm not gettin' any." I get the urge to get some nookie, and get an idea. So I get dressed, get in my car, and get on the freeway. When I get downtown, I get a few beers, get a buzz, and get lucky. I get a glimpse of a fine-looking woman. I get her a drink, get her talking, and we get acquainted. So I get up the courage and get her to agree to go get a room. We get outta there, get some booze, get in a taxi, and get a hotel. We get in the room, and get comfortable, and I'm gettin' excited 'cause I'm gonna get in her pants. So we get undressed, get in bed, and get started. And I'm gettin' hot 'cause she's gettin' horny. She wants to get down, and I wanna get my rocks off. I wanna get it up, get in, get it on, get off, and get out. And it starts gettin' real good. But then I get thinking, "Suppose I get the clap? If I get the clap, I'll have to get shots. Might get worse. Could get AIDS. Shoulda got rubbers." Now I get paranoid. Get a bit crazy. Get a bit scared. Gotta get a grip. Then it gets worse. Suppose she gets pregnant? Will she get an abortion. She might wanna get married. I can't get involved. If I gotta get married, I gotta get her a ring. How do I get it? I'd have to get credit. Or get hold of some money! That means gettin' a job. Or gettin' a gun. And a getaway car. But suppose I get caught? Get busted by teh cops. Get thrown in jail! Gotta get help. Get a good lawyer. Get out on bail. No. I gotta get serious. Get it together. Get with the program. Get me a break, get me a job. Get a promotion, get a nice raise, get a new house, and get some respect. But if I get all of that, I can't get real cocky. Might get someone mad who'd get on my case, get me in trouble, and then I'd get fired. Then I'd get mad, maybe get violent, get kicked outta work. Then... get behind in my rent, get evicted, get thrown on the street. Maybe get mugged, get beaten, get injured, get hospitalized, get operated on, get a blood clot, get a heart attack, get the last rites, get a stroke, get a flat line, get a trip to the graveyard, and get burried in a field. So get this. You gotta get smart, and you gotta get real. Get serious. Get home, get undressed, get in bed, get some sleep. Or you might just get fucked. Get me? *** Luke: "You used to program." Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father." Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at Lockheed-Martin." Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten a degree." Luke: "I wish I had known him." Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft." Luke: "How did my father die?" Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side of Money." Luke: "Money?" Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us. Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade." Luke: "What is it?" Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant compiler for a more civilized age." *** HOW TO FIND A DRIVER'S ORIGIN One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone in lap, brick on accelerator: California* * with gun also in lap: L.A. Both hands on top of wheel, one foot on brake, watching pedestrians cross against the light: San Francisco One hand on the wheel, one hand drumming (with drum stick) on the dash board, Lap top on top of the Dashboard, left foot tapping, right foot on the accelerator, head bobbing from side to side: Silicon Valley, listening to KEZR. One hand in the wheel area, one hand on horn, pressing all the way 0.02 seconds before the light changes, left foot on the transmission pedal, right foot on the accelerator, pressing all the way 0.01 seconds before the light changes: Israel. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in Boston. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy Both hands praying to Gates, knee on wheel, cradling cell phone in lap, foot on brake, mind on Win95 GUI: Seattle Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or other's cars: Colorado One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with New York plates. *** HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME Show up naked. *** ANALOGIES YOU PROBABLY WON'T FIND IN GREAT LITERATURE: He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) >From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling) *** John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. ----------- Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!) ----------- Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller number nine! ----------- (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP) ----------- E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die. ----------- This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious." ----------- Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. ----------- I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you. ----------- I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. ----------- Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test: 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP ----------- (Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone". ----------- Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. ----------- (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking... ----------- Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? ----------- Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er...Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern... ----------- This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. ----------- I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. ----------- (Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service. Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT. ----------- The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it. ----------- You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you. ----------- (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. ----------- You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. ----------- Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape. ----------- Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it. ----------- My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. ----------- Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. ----------- A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. ----------- Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. ----------- (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. ----------- The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. ----------- Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. *** A Patriotic Pun by Barry Austern There were a brother and sister who worked for the CIA during the cold war. Their names were Dwayne and Amber, and they were stationed in Paris. Their job was to sniff out Soviet spies so their cells could be neutralized. It was Paris, where restaurants were "the thing," and the Russians always met in a restaurant. However, our friends did not know, at any particular time, just what restaurant. Therefore, they had to go from restaurant to restaurant. In order not to be suspect they had to eat at all of the restaurants, so they practiced, if you will, bulimia for Uncle Sam. Because of the pressure, and because of the fact that they were siblings, they were constantly bickering and were noticed. However, nobody ever thought that they were CIA spies, so they were very successful and many, many Russians were apprehended. It was time for their annual performance appraisal which read: "They're dutiful voracious spies, but Amber raves at Dwayne." Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted. *** How to get rid of a live-in boyfriend: To get rid of that live-in boyfriend, quit feeding him and make him sleep on the couch. Just tell the live-in boyfriend you are pregnant. The quickest way to get rid of a live-in boyfriend is to ask him for a commitment. A quick way to get rid of a live-in boyfriend: Go out on a date with another guy, and then bring him home with you. It's easy to get rid of a live-in boyfriend. Dial 911. The best way to get rid of a live-in boyfriend is to tell him you've lost your job. To get rid of a live-in boyfriend, insist on watching home shopping channels, especially when there is "an important game" on television. To get rid of a live-in boyfriend, take nuddie pictures of him. To get rid of a live-in boyfriend, talk about every detail of his behaviors on the phone to your girlfriends. Focus on unimportant, trivia details. *** To choose a direction, a leader must first have developed a mental image of a possible and desirable future state of the organization. This image, which we call a vision, may be as vague as a dream or as precise as a goal or mission statement. The critical point is that a vision articulates a view of a realistic, credible, attractive future for the organization, a condition that is better in some important ways than what now exists. A vision is a target that beckons. -- Warren Bennis *** EPITAPHS ", , , she had been a servant in that selfsame house for twenty-seven years. . . .And, oh, to think she should meet such a death at last!-- a-sitting over the red hot stove at 3 o'clock in the morning and went to sleep and fell on it and was actually roasted! Not just frizzled up a bit, but literally roasted to a crisp! . . .even if I have to scrimp to do it, I will put up a tombstone over that lone sufferer's grave--and Mr. Riley, if you would have the goodness to think up a little epitaph to put on it which would sort of describe the awful way in which she met her--" "Put it, `Well done, good and faithful servant.'" Mark Twain "Riley--Newspaper Correspondent" 1870 *** Crossbeed Dogs: Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed Great Pyrenees + Jack Russell Terrier = PyraJacks, don't bet on 'em Spaniel + Dachshund = Spandachs, in gyms everywhere Long Haired Terrier + Pit Bull = Hairy Pits, found throughout Europe Scotch terrier + Irish water spaniel = Scotch and water, served throughout England, as opposed to watered scotch, served throughout the USA Jack Russell Terrier + Labrador = A Jackdor, falls out windows trying to fly Cairn Terrier + Jack Russell Terrier = Cair Jack, can never find him when you have a flat tire. Highland Terrier + Jack Russell Terrier = Hijack, gets you in trouble on airplanes Pekinese + Rottweiler = Parrot, repeats everything you say Saluki + Shitzu = A Suzuki, goes for miles on a gallon of gas *** Virus Alert! If you receive an e-mail message with "End-All Virus" in the Subject line, don't open it. If you do: End-All will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-girlfriends your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when company comes over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. End-All will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. And it will leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower. *** When Not In Rome, Try One Of These ... http://www-oss.fnal.gov/~baisley/when_in.html I ran across the phrase "When in Palindrome, do as the Palindromans" and that was enough incentive to try to exhaust the genre, as is my wont. Here are a few of my better ones, all puns intended: When in Autumn, do as the Ottomans. When in a Chord E, do as the Accordians. When in Drag, do as the Dragons. When in Fahrvergnug, do as the Fahrvergnugens. When Infirm, do as the Furmans. When it's Friday, do as the Freudians. When in Fur Boat, do as the Verbotens. When with High Bernie, do as the Hibernians. When in Oh Really, do as the Aurelians. When in Oise, do as the Wazoos. When in Pawns-Ideally, do as the Ponce de Leons. When in Pee, do as the Peons. When in Serge, do as the Surgeons. When on the Verge, do as the Virgins. *** DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT: I know the myth is that men want: Traci Lords in the bedroom, Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because we don't want to feel too threatened. So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well, first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How about asking me? And then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?! All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here goes: Here's what men want from women. One through Ten: 1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That's it. 2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don't. 3. THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right? 4. Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' with me for the fifty-seventh time? 5. FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass." 6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at "The Drink" when I was single. 7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther meeting. 8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the CUP of lima bean consomme instead of the BOWL of lima bean consomme from Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right? 9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?" 10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy blowjob once in a while?" DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ON WHAT WOMEN WANT: Now, the inevitable follow-up: what do WOMEN want? Nowadays it seems like women want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want: Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil. Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right? And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us. Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men. 1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright. 2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim. 3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages. 4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo!!!!!!!!! 5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny. Think ABOUT IT!!!!!! 6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important. 7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos. 8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came. 9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions. 10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man. So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head? *** Things you wouldn't hear a southerner say We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering? Who's Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad. I've got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. She's too old to be wearing that bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. I don't have a favorite college team. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. Elvis who? Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. *** 10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone 10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles 500 millinaries = 1 seminary 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn 10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 10**12 pins = 1 terrapin 10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo 10 rations = 1 decoration 100 rations = 1 C-ration 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost 10 monologs = 5 dialogues 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue 2 monograms = 1 diagram 8 nickles = 2 paradigms 2 snake eyes = 1 paradise 2 wharves = 1 paradox *** Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron. -- U.S. President Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 *** Suppose, conservatively, that 20 milion people use Microsoft Windows. And suppose, again conservatively, that each user spends 20 more hours every year to configure the computer and get work done than they would with a Mac. That's 400 million wasted person-hours per year, which amounts to 570 80-year lifetimes. I guess it's OK to take lives if nobody notices. *** We live in an aggressively stupid celebrity culture. It isn't just dumb. It's aggressively dumb. . . . This whole celebrity thing is related to the dumbing down of everything. It's related to shorter attention spans and superficiality and the placing of value on celebrity itself. -- Sports broadcaster Bob Costas, in an interview with the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, reflecting on celebrity in the wake of the recent death of Diana, Princess of Wales. *** Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, and Ross Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy." Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he chimes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy." *** Date: Mon, 22 Sep 1997 09:32:06 -0400 From: Chalapathi Rao Poduri Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. 1. Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".. Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.. 2. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.. 3. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.. 4. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or had come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.. 5. Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just wakeup a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.. 6. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when overground traffic meets underground drainage.. 7. Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan).In a way,it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it,just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and the peg of illicit attack he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a nought. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motor-bike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate.. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an expression of physical relief on a hot day.. Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.. Indian Traffic Classification along with some more rules..and asides.. Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi) - The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so that minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage.. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.. Mopeds - The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.. Leaning Tower of Passes - Most buss passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings, and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kilogram of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.. One-Way Street - These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.. Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.. If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your Lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the "freedom of speed" enshrined in our constitution. *** It sometimes seems as if the world's most advanced modern society has collapsed utterly into the worship of pseudoscience, with people possessing just enough education to get everything spectacularly fouled up in their minds. What could be more enthralling and awe-inspiring than to follow the adventures of Stephen Hawking, a genuine devotee of science and history and literature? Yet people will spurn this chance in order to gape at a palpably confected video of alien autopsies. It's like throwing away the truffle in order to gulp down the wrapper. -- Christopher Hitchens, from a review in Vanity Fair Magazine of a new film being released next month entitled "Fairy Tale: A True Story," starring Harvey Keitel as Houdini and Peter O'Toole as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. It's about their spectacular debate over the famous "fairy" photos, circa 1917. *** Students of mathematics are familiar with the phenomenon of 'slow development,' or subconscious assimilation: the first time something new is studied the details seem too numerous and hopelessly confused, and no coherent impression of the whole is left on the mind. Then, on returning after a rest, it is found that everything has fallen into place with its proper emphasis--like the development of a photographic film. The majority of those who attack analytic geometry seriously for the first time experience something of the sort. The calculus on the other hand, with its aims clearly stated from the beginning, is usually grasped quickly. Even professional mathematicians often skim the work of others to gain a broad, comprehensive view of the whole before concentrating on the details of interest to them. Skipping is not a vice, as some of us were told by our puritan teachers, but a virtue of common sense. -- E. T. Bell, _Men of Mathematics_, Simon and Schuster, (c) 1937 by the author. [Submitter notes: and I always thought I was just plain *lazy* and *slow*! Whew!] *** Dear Dr. Science, The opening line of our beloved "Star Spangled Banner" is "Oh, say can you see by the Don Zurrley light?" Who is Don Zurrley, anyway? ------------- Dan Satterberg, Neosho, MO Don Zurrley was a cousin of Richard Stanz. You may recall Rich; he was the founder of our republic commemorated in the Pledge of Allegiance: "...and to the republic for Richard Stanz." Messrs. Zurrley and Stanz were the actual authors of the Declaration of Independence. Being Canadian, they sold their work to Thomas Jefferson, who was himself said to be a Jamaican. One of Jefferson's many inventions, besides electricity, was the reggae beat, which he named after one of his farmhand/associates,Reggie. The Star Spangled Banner was actually the first reggae tune, but that's another story. ----------------- Subscription questions for Dr. Science - send a blank message to faq@drscience.com. Visit the Ask Dr. Science web site at sponsored by the fine folks at Internet Direct. All Dr. Science material Copyright 1997 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre. All rights reserved. *** "The first step is the hardest." Marie Marquise du Deffand (Said to Cardinal de Polignac, when the Cardinal told her that St. Denis, after being decapitated, had picked up his head and carried it two leagues.) (Ah, Monseigneur, je croirais que dans une telle situation _il n'y a que le premier pas qui coute_.' - 'Hey Bubba, when you are in a fix like that _it is only the first step that is difficult_.') *** ON METAPHYSICS Deja vu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. ON YOUTH "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90 ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Photons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic! ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it? ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. ON LAMENTATION Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse. ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. ON CANADA "It's wide and it's flat and it's wet at both ends, it's full of donuts, hockey, cold beer and friends. It's got a tower, some lakes and a dome. And it's hard to get a green card but we call it home." -Red Green *** Picture yourself near a gurgling mountain stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now... feeling better? *** Bihydrogen Monoxide A freshman at Eagle Rock High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how we have become conditioned to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical bihydrogen monoxide. And for plenty of good reasons, since it: 1. Can cause excessive sweating and vomitting 2. It is a major component in acid rain 3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. Accidental inhalation can kill you 5. It contributes to erosion 6. It decreases the effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients. He asked 50 people if they supported a ban on the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided and only one knew that the chemical was water. -- Tech Forum, (internal 3M newsletter) *** DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. *** KITTY LITTER CAKE 1 Spice or German Chocolate Cake Mix 1 White Cake Mix 1 Large Package Vanilla Instant Pudding Mix 1 Package White Sandwich Cookies Green Food Coloring 12 Small Tootsie Rolls 1 NEW Kitty Litter Box 1 NEW Kitty Litter Box Liner 1 NEW Pooper Scooper Prepare cake mixes and bake according to box directions (any size pan). Prepare pudding, chill until ready to assemble. Crumble sandwich cookies in small batches in food processor, scraping often. Set aside all but 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup of crumbs, add a few drops of green food coloring and mix using fork or shake in a jar. When cakes are cooled to room temp, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining cookie crumbs and chilled pudding. You probably won't need all the pudding, mix the cake and "feel" it, you don't want it soggy, just moist; gently combine. Line litter box. Put mixture into box. Put 3 unwrapped tootsie rolls in microwave safe dish and heat until softened. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more tootsie rolls and bury in cake mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter green crumbles lightly over top (chlorphyll in cat litter). Heat 3 tootsie rolls in microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Spread remaining tootsie rolls over top; take one and heat until pliable, hang over side of litter box, sprinkle with cookie crumbs. *** TOO MANY CHOICES Our lives are drowning in options! And it's eating up all our time. I like to watch TV as much as the next guy (five or six hours a night, tops) but nowadays it seems like it takes 15 minutes to go through all the 197 channels trying to decide what to watch. Well, that's 15 minutes I don't have to waste. It makes me mad. Today's sad truth is we have become prisoners of "choice." Did you ever wonder how the average prison inmate packs so much into one day? Well, maybe it's because he's NOT sitting around agonizing about what movie to see, what checkbook pattern, coffee maker, hair care product or Methodist Church to try. He's not lingering over the dessert cart at the prison mess. No sir! It's sheer cake or nothing because the man's got a job to do and THAT'S why your license plates show up ON TIME every year. A prisoner doesn't CHOOSE. He KNOWS. That's probably why he's called a "convict." By replacing your own "choices" with "convictions," you can save endless hours of time. Rich Hall, Self-Help for the Bleak, Copyright 1994 *** This page intentionally left blank. (Well, not completely blank, since the above non-empty disclaimer appears on the page. What is meant is that this page is devoid of meaningful content related to the rest of the document. This page serves only as a separator between sections, chapters, or other divisions of the document. This page is not completely blank so that you know that nothing was unintentionally left out, or that the page is not blank because of an error in duplication, or that the page is not blank because of some other production problem. If this page were really blank, you wouldn't be reading anything. This page has not been left blank by accident, but is left non-blank on purpose. The statement on the page should say "This page was intentionally left non-blank".) *** We have yet to find a company that can provide superior service without top managers who are fanatically committed to service. Leadership matters because employees must exercise broad discretion when serving customers. Instead of rules and regulations, they have to rely on a strong service culture to guide them in making decisions. That culture takes its tone and its values from its leaders. Moreover, providing great service almost always entails tough financial decisions. Companies that aspire to excel in service have to spend heavily with little prospect of short term rewards, ... Strong leadership ensures that service to the customer doesn't lose out to the bean counters. -- William H. Davidow, "Total Customer Service" *** America has always led by example. So who among us - will set the example? Which of our citizens will lead us - in this next American century? Everyone who steps forward today - to get one addict off drugs, to convince one troubled teenager not to give up on life, to comfort one AIDS patient, to help one hungry child. We have within our reach - the promise - of a renewed America. We can find meaning and reward by serving some higher purpose than ourselves. A shining purpose. The illumination of a thousand points of light. And it is expressed - by all who know the irresistible force of a child's hand, of a friend who stands by you and stays there, a volunteer's generous gesture, an idea - that is simply right. The problems before us - may be different, but the key to solving them - remains the same. It is the individual; the individual who steps forward. And the state of our union is the union of each of us, one to the other, the sum - of our friendships, marriages, families and communities. We all have something to give. So, if you can read, find someone who can't. If you've got a hammer, find a nail. If you're not hungry, not lonely, not in trouble, seek out someone who is. Join - the community of conscience. Do - the hard work of freedom. And that - will define - the state of our union. -- President George Bush, 1991 State of the Union Address *** The classically-minded among us may have noted the new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer mail program which uses the musical theme of he "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem. Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen. Meanwhile, the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which means "The damned and accursed are convicted to flames of hell." Dr. Phil o _________________ /\_ _|drphil@bihs.net| _\__`[_________________| ] [ \, ][ ][ ComSat. (TeleComm III Satellite Downlink) Access No: EQ/105951 *** Managers are not confronted with problems that are independent of each other, but with dynamic situations that consist of changing problems that interact with each other. I call such situations messes ... managers do not solve problems: they manage messes. -- Ackoff, R. "The Future of Operations Research is Past, Journal of the Operations Research Society, 1979 *** The age of plentiful computing is here. I have a multi-color, three dimensional screen saver that uses the entire capacity of my 200 MHz Pentium. The designers of the Intelligent Network never imagined such "wasteful" use of processing "intelligence." The age of plentiful bandwidth is just around the corner... -- David Isenberg, RISE OF THE STUPID NETWORK, Opportunity Discovery Department, AT&T Labs - Research, June 4, 1997 *** HORROR MOVIE CHARACTER SURVIVAL TIPS 1. If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately. 2. Never take a bath or shower with an MSDC (maniac/spirit/demon/creature) in the house. 3. When it appears that you have killed the MSDC, DO NOT check to see if he/she/it's really dead. Keep hacking at it until it is in pieces small enough not to be a threat to you. If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with everything except demons and spirits. Then get the hell out of there. 5. If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin spewing body fluids, it's time to move out. 6. Never read a book that summons demons aloud, even as a joke. 7. Don't look under the bed. 8. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. 9. If tree's, TV's, or other objects try to consume your children, save as many as you can and then get the hell out of the area. 10. If relatives or pets come back from the dead, stay as far away from them as posible. 11. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent and leave the area. 12. If you've hidden from the MSDC and you are not found, do not peek from or leave your hiding place, if you do you will be seen and killed. 13. Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed." 14. It is VERY, VERY dangerous to back into or through rooms. 15. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run, and NOTE: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them, so be prepared. 16. When you have the benefit of numbers, "NEVER, EVER," pair off or go it alone. The more people the MSDC is distracted by, the better "your" chance of escape. 17. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants. 18. If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to leave the area as soon and as quickly as possible. 19. If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later. 20. If you've just finished running over the MSDC in your car, keep going. Most certainly DO NOT get out of the car under any circumstances to see if he/she/it's really dead. 21. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 22. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares. 23. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, etc. 24. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, especially those that appear that they would break easily. 25. If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything. 26. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, LEAVE THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY OR ELSE YOU WILL QUICKLY DIE. 27. If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled under, DON'T GO AFTER THEM, AND DON'T GO OVER TO THE SHORE AND LOOK IN! If you are in a boat, immediately head for shore. 28. If appliances start operating by themselves, leave the area immediately. 29. Do not take anything from the dead. 30. If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home. 31. If the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurences, leave. 32. If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet. 33. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. 34. Don't play with Ouija boards. If you do and the ouija board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave immediately. 35. If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area immediately. 36. Never pick up a hitchiker or stop to aid a suspicious person, especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus. 37. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. 38. Make sure that your weapon is loaded before you try to use it. 39 If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out. 40. Never put your back to or lean on a door. 41. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house. 42. Never speak to clowns in sewers. 43. Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect that they are supernatural beings. 44. If you're running from the MSDC, expect to trip and/or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Do not turn to look back, if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being killed. If you turn and look back, and you don't see the MSDC chasing you, stop and run immediately back the way you came because the MSDC is now in front of you. 45. If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, biting, thirst for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblence to demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible. 46. Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you. Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be. 47. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), Mydian, Questa Verde, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine. 48. Beware of transvestite doctors that sing. 49. Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in stock. 50. Finally, beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives, soldering irons, stun guns, flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, catapults, tactical warheads, high-powered rifles, gophers, food processors, gophers in food processors, lambchops, axes, gophers wielding axes, laser pistols, tanks, any weapon resembling Margaret Thatcher, or Alludium q-36 explosive space modulators. 51. If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of Robert Ruark - African big game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN," or preferably a chain gun. 52. If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately or you will be killed. 53. If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it, don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it will kill you and every living thing on earth. 54. If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one. *** Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. Most dogs are immortal. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization (especially a Macintosh snicker, snicker!!)). It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds -unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects this one personally at that precise moment. *** Here's how Steve views the current situation at Apple: It's as if Apple is an old fiancee from college that Steve met again at a 20-year class reunion. Steve is happily married now with children, and has a great life. When he meets his old girlfriend again, she's an alcoholic and is running around with a bad crowd and has made a mess of her life. Even so, in his mind's eye, he still sees the beautiful woman he once thought was the love of his life. So what's he supposed to do? Of course, he doesn't want to marry her anymore, but he can't just walk away, because he still cares about her. So he puts her in a detox program and tries to help her meet a better class of friends and hopes for the best. -- Larry Ellison, CEO of Oracle, on the return on Apple Computer co-founder Steve Jobs to his old company *** YOU'RE LOST BETWEEN A BABY BOOMER AND A GENERATION X'ER IF... You remember when Jordache jeans were cool. You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist. In your fifth grade class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up. You know the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song by heart. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said, "Landshark". Three words: "Atari", "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar? You remember the days when "safe sex" meant that your parents were gone for the weekend. You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out from partying. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and faced the cars behind you. You watched HR Puffenstuff as a child but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "When I was younger..."or "When I was your age..."or "You know, back when...". "Schoolhouse Rock" played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language. You're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video. You remember, with pain, the sad day when the "Green Machine" hit the streets and made your old "Big Wheel" quite obsolete. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie "TRON". Girls thought Sean Cassidy was dreamy and lusted after Ted, the ship's photographer, on "The Love Boat". You freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires. Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting". You're doing absolutely nothing pertaining to your major. You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. You ever wanted to be "gagged with a spoon". U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now. You ever used the phrase "kiss my grits" in conversation. You ever remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene. You spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man. You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding on "General Hospital". You remember "Hey, let's be careful out there". You know who shot J.R. Your parents wanted you to attend medical school but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway. This rings a bell "...and my name is Charlie. They work for me." You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway To Heaven" on the guitar. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on, after all, look at Tab. You know all the words to the double album set of Grease. You ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed 867-5309 just to see if Jenny would answer. "All skate, change directions" means something to you. You owned a pair of rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear. You bought a pair of Vaans and wanted to order a pizza in history class soyou could be just like Jeff Spicoli in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High". You owned a preppy handbook. You were too young to go see the "Blue Lagoon" so you just had to settle for second hand reports. You remember when there was only PG and R....none of this PG 13 crap. You learned to swim about the same time "Jaws" came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day. You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly. You actually believed everything Leonard Nimoy told you on "In Search Of...". The "ABC After School Special", "My Mom's Having A Baby", actually taught you stuff you didn't know. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those 'brick-size' packages of Bazooka gum. (I preferred "Hubba Bubba") Bo and Luke Duke. VCR's cost $1,000. There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together. Rotary dial telephones. You actually believed that Mikey, famed for his Life Cereal commercials, died after eating a packet of "Pop Rocks" and drinking a Coke. You searched all over for the jeans with glittery designs on the pockets. You've ever eaten a candy ring, necklace, cigarette or whistle. Gloria Vanderbilt stretch jeans were the height of fashion. You prefer roller skates to roller blades. You ever thought someone was cool because they had a "bendable" pencil. Or because they had a mechanical pencil or painter's paints or parachute pants. You ever had the poster of Farrah Fawcet-Majors in the one piece swimsuit. Or had the Farrah Fawcet lunchbox or the Farrah binder or spiral notebook. If you ever wore Garanimals. (Hey!! At least my clothes matched!!) If the phrases "Na-nu Na-nu" or "Shazbatt!" mean anything to you. If you ever secretly practiced your moon-walk. If you ever argued over which was better...."Close Encounters" or "Star Wars". You remember when HBO was new and they played "Gone With The Wind" about a million times. You remember when MTV was new and they played "Video Killed The Radio Star" about a jillion times. You ever thought Bonnie Tyler was a good singer. You tried "Billy Beer". You ever wanted a Ronco product or ever bought a K-Tel record. You had to chew a red tablet after brushing your teeth to see how well you did. "I'm Chevy Chase and you're not...". "Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots". If you know the words to Steve Martin's song "King Tut" or ever say......"Well, excuuuuuuuuussse ME!"....or "I'm a WILD and CRAZY GUY!" You ever "feathered" your hair. If you ever even considered owning "Mood Rings" or "Pet Rocks". If you remember when the televangelists were really concerned about dungeons and dragons. "Pacman", "Frogger" and "Centipede", friendship pins, colored hairspray, Martian head bands and you can't get the word "like" out of your vocabulary. This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: "Star Wars" opens, you are just hitting the double digit ages and you think the creatures are WAY cool. "The Empire Strikes Back" opens, you are now in early double digit ages and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are WAY cooler and you want one of every collectible out there. "Return Of The Jedi" hits the theatres, you are now a full-blown teenager and you cannot take your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. The theme song to the "Greatest American Hero" still comes back to you on occasion...."Believe it or not I am walking on air, I never thought I could be so freeeee, Flying away on a wing and a prayer, Who could it be, Believe it or not, it's just me". *** Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd. Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters. Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8) Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio. Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957) Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns. Jesus' Father is everywhere. Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop. Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas. *** * What is the speed of dark? * When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? * Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's? * If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras? * How come you never hear about gruntled employees? * What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? * After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? * If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? * What's another word for synonym? *