lyrics of "the elements" by Tom Lehrer. There's antimony arsenic aluminum selenium and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium and nickel neodymium neptunium germanium and iron americium ruthenium uranium europium zirconium lutetium vanadium and lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium and gold and protactinium and indium and gallium and iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium There's yttrium ytterbium actinium rubidium and boron gadolinium niobium iridium and strontium and silicon and silver samarium and bismuth bromine lithium beryllium and barium Isn't that interesting? I knew you would. I hope you're all taking notes because there's gonna be a short quiz next period. there's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium and phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium and manganese and mercury molybdenum magnesium dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium and lead praseodymium and platinum and plutonium palladium promethium potassium polonium and tantalum technetium titanium tellurium and cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium There's sulfur californium and fermium berkelium and also mendelevium einsteinium nobelium and argon krypton neon radon xenon zinc and rhodium and chlorine carbon cobalt copper tungsten tin and sodium These are the only ones of which the news has come to hahvard and there may be many others but they haven't been discahverd. *** Pollution lyrics. If you visit an American City, You will find it very pretty. Just two things of which you must beware: Don't drink the water and don't breathe the air. Pollution, pollution, the got smog and sewage and mud, turn on your tap and get hot and cold running crud. See the halibuts and the sturgeons being wiped out by detergents. Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly, but they don't last long if they try. Pollution, pollution, you can use the latest toothpaste, and then rinse your mouth with industrial waste. Just go out for a breath of air, and you'll be ready for Medicare. The city streets are really quite a thrill, if the hoods don't get you, the monoxide will. Pollution, pollution, wear a gas mask and a veil, then you can breathe as long as you don't inhale. Lots of things there that you can drink, but stay away from the kitchen sink. The kitchen garbage that you throw into the bay, they drink at lunch in San Jose. So go to the city, see the crazy people there, like lambs to the slaughter, they're drinking the water and breathing the air. *** A Christmas Carol lyrics. Chrismastime is here, by golly Disapproval would be folly, Deck the halls with hunks of holly Fill the cups and don't say 'when'. Kill the turkeys, ducks, and chickens Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens Even though the prospect sickens, Brother, here we go again. On Christmas Day we can't get sore Our fellow man we must adore There's time to rob him all the more The other three hundred and sixty-four... Relations sparing no expense'll Send some useless old utensil Or a matching pen and pencil 'Just the thing I need, how nice.' It doesn't matter how sincere it Is nor how heartfelt the spirit Sentiment will not endear it What's important is the price Hark the Herald Tribune sings, advertising wondrous things God rest ye merry merchants may ye make the Yuletide pay Angels we have heard on high, tell us to go out and buy So- Let the raucous sleigh-bells jingle Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle Riding his reindeer across the sky-- Don't stand underneath as they fly by. *** WHO'S NEXT (Made in 1965) First we got the bomb and that was good, 'Cause we love peace and motherhood. Then Russia got the bomb, but that's okay, 'Cause the balance of power's mantained that way! Who's next? France got the bomb, but don't you grieve, 'Cause they're on our side, I believe. China got the bomb, but have no fears; They can't wipe us out for at least five years. Who's next? Then Indonesia claimed that they Were gonna get one any day. South Africa wants two. That's right; One for the black and one for the white! Who's next? E-gypt's go-nna get one too. Just to use on you-know-who! Sooooo Is-real's ge-tting tense; Wants one in self de-fense. "The Lord's our Shepard" says the psalm, But, just in case..., We'd better get a BOMB! Who's next?!? Luxembourg is next to go. And, who knows, mabye Monaco! We'll try to stay serene and calm..... When ALABAMA GETS THE BOMB! Who's next, who's next, who's next???? WHO'S NEXT?!?!?! *** Vatican Rag lyrics. First you get down on your knees, fiddle with your rosaries, Bow your head with great respect and Genuflect, Genuflect, Genuflect. You can do any steps you want to If you've cleared them with the Pontiff Everybody say his own Kyrie Eleison Doin' the Vatican Rag. (bridge) Get in line in that processional step into that dark confessional Where the guy who's got religion'll tell you if your sin's original If it is try playin' it safer, Drink the wine and chew the wafer Two-four-six-eight, Time to transubstantiate! First you get down on your knees, fiddle with your rosaries, Bow your head with great respect and Genuflect, Genuflect, Genuflect. Make a cross on your abdomen When in Rome do like a Roman Ave Maria, gee it's good to see ya, Gettin' ecstatic, it's kinda dramatic just doin' the Vatican Rag! *** Just thought I'd mention... Other Elements HAVE, of course, been discahverd since this song came out. They can replace the last two lines pretty well (though they're a little clumsy): Un-nil-quadrium Un-nil-pentium Un-nil-hexium Un-nil-septium Un-nil-octium Un-nil-ennium...and don't forget Lawrencium. Since this eliminates mention that we haven't (necessarily) found all of the Elements, and since the music expires at the end of those two lines, I usually add a shave-and-a-haircut line... These are the known ones...so far. -- Don McConnell, bdsm@poincare.wpi.edu *** Irish Ballad. While I still appreciate you Let's find love while we may Because I know I'll hate you When you are old and grey, So say you love me here and now And make the most of that! Say you love and trust me, for I know you'll disgust me When you're old and getting fat! An awful dability, a lessened utility, a loss of mobility is a strong possibility. In all probability I'll lose my virility And you your fertility and desirability And this liability of total sterility Will lead to hostility and a sense of ...futility. So let's act with agility while we still have facility For we'll soon reach senility and lose the ability... Your teeth will start to go, dear Your waist will start to spread. In 20 years or so, love, I'll wish that you were dead. I'll never love you then at all The way I do today, So please remember, when I leave in December, I told you so in May! *** DIXIE I wanna go back to Dixie, take me back to dear old Dixie That's the only li'l ol' place for li'l ol' me. Ol' times there are not forgotten, whuppin' slaves and sellin' cotton An' waitin' for the Robert E. Lee (It was never there on time...) I'll go back to the Swanee, where pellagra makes you scrawny And the honeysuckle clutters up the vine. Ohhh... Polltax, howiloveya, howiloveya, my dear old polltax... Won't you come with me to Alabammy Back to the arms of my dear old mammy Her cookin's lousy and her hands are clammy, bu what the hell, it's home... Yes, for Paradise the Southland is my nominee... Just give me a ham hock and a grit of hominy... I wanna go back to dixie, I wanna be a Dixie pixie And eat cornpone till it's commin outa my ears. I wanna talk with southern gentlemen, and put my white sheet on again I aint seen one good lynching in years! The land of the boll weevil, where the laws are medieval That's the place I want to come and evermore roam I wanna go back to the southland, that Y'all and Shet-my-mouthland Be it ever so decadent, there's no place like home! *** "THE WILD WEST IS WHERE I WANT TO BE" Musical tempo: "westerly" Along the trail you'll find me lopin' Where the spaces are wide open, In the land of the old A.E.C. Where the scenery's attractive And the air is radioactive, Oh, the wild west is where I want to be. 'Mid the sagebrush and the cactus I'll watch the fellers practice Droppin' bombs through the clean desert breeze. I'll have on my sombrero And of course I'll wear a pair o' Levis over my lead B.V.D's. Bridge: I will leave the city's rush, Leave the fancy and the plush, Leave the snow and the slush, And the crowds. I will seek the desert's hush, Where the scenery is lush. How I long to see the mush- room clouds. 'Mid the yuccas and the thistles I'll watch the guided missiles, While the old F.B.I. watches me. Yes, I'll soon make my appearance (Soon as I can get me clearance) 'Cause the wild west is where I want to be. *** It took me a month to learn that song! Here's a quick reference: Sb As Al Se H O N Re Ni Nd Np Ge Fe Am Ru U Eu Zr Lu V La Os At Ra Au Pa In Ga I Th Tm Tl Y Yb Ac Rb B Gd Nb Ir Sr Si Ag Sm Bi Br Li Be Ba Ho He Hf Er P Fr F Tb Mn Hg Md Mg Dy Sc Ce Cs Pb Pr Pt Pu Pd Pm K Po Ta Tc Ti Te Cd Ca Cr Cu *(Cf Cd Ca Cr Cu) S Ca Fm Bk *(S Ku Fm Bk) Md Es Nb *(Md Es Lr Nb) Ar Kr Ne Rn Xe Zn Rh Cl C Co Cu W Sn Na *** When the shades of night are falling Comes a fellow everyone knows. It's the Old Dope Peddler, Spreading joy wherever he goes. Every evening you will find him Around our neighborhood. It's the Old Dope Peddler Doing well by doing good. He gives the kids free samples Because he knows full well That today's young innocent faces Will be tomorrow's clientele`. Here's a cure for all your troubles And an end to your distress; It's the Old Dope Peddler With his powdered ha-happiness. *** Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to Shut Up! -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" ***