"MARRIAGE" WHAT A WONDERFUL LIFE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. 3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. 4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... Then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..." 5. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on." 6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. 7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" 8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! 9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. 10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. 11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie? 12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. *** Newsgroups: alt.quotations From: rdippold@qualcomm.com (Ron "Asbestos" Dippold) Subject: Re: Quotes on marriage? Date: Sun, 21 Mar 1993 03:48:15 GMT This is everything in my .sig file with "wife" "bride" "marriage" "marry" "husband" or "groom" in it... filter as you will. A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's _really_ attractive. -- Bruce Friedman A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. -- Poor Jimmy's Almanac Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise. Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant. Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago. Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. -- Catch-22 Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat. Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation. Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that. Here lies my wife in earthy mould/when she lived did naught but scold. Good friends go softly in your walking/lest she should wake and rise up talking Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. I am in total control, but don't tell my wife. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got. I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund. I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years. If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way. In a novel the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. -- Herman Mankiewicz In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains! Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw. Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first. Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. Man and wife make one fool. Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it. Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute. Marriage is a rest period between romances. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno. Marriage is an institution - but who wants to live in an institution? Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo... Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. -- Herbert Spencer Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them. May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife. May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid. May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife. May you never leave your marriage alive. May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house. Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H.L. Mencken My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day. My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. -- Lenny Bruce My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm DAMN lucky to have them. My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her. My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way. Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'Rourke Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." -- Lenny Bruce No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de Balzac Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! -- Al Bundy Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe? Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. -- W. Somerset Maugham Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death. Spinster: A bachelor's wife. Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives. Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?" Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. -- Groucho Marx The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. --Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism] The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- S. T. Coleridge The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one. The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly. There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. -- James Holt McGavran Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples. This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all. To keep your marriage brimming / With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it, / Whenever you're right, shut up. -- Nash We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H.L. Mencken What's new? Most of my wife. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -- Guitry When Baby's cries grew hard to bear / I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if / I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. / My wife said "George, I'm so unhappy! / Our darling's now completely frappe!" -- Graham When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws. Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house. Wife: The perfect acquisition for any genlteman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs. You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family. All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control. DISCLAIMER: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions. Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. -- Rolling Stone Classified Ad It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing. May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead. May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters. May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always. May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: _give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly_. Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. -- Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894 Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "OUT TO LUNCH - THINK IT OVER." The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother - I want to marry one who makes dough like her father. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. From: mikes@bioch.ox.ac.uk (Mike Smith) Subject: Things that a Best Man might say Date: 11 Mar 93 14:47:41 GMT I have the honour (?) of making a best man's speech in May. I'd very much like to hear of any humouros things that might go down well. In the meantime, here's a list posted by Rich Ormerod last year (the thing is I want more, and funnier ones!!) Wedding Jokes ============= The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal - - a little bit of breast - a little bit of leg ..... and a lot of stuffing !!! Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500. Forecast for Wedding... Expected development of Warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun(son) is expected later on. Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments. Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and She'll last for many years. If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air. Hope you honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One long hard route. Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend). Take heed from those who know Tie you nightie to your toes Close your eyes - hold your nose Then see how it goes... Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door. Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk. We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bull whip ? Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky, but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant. Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring. Cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and Groom Mounted. Congatulations - rots of ruck - sideways is great. Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans sink. Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers) they stand behind everthing they sell. Hope all your Tries are not converted. Remember Pearl Harbour... Have fun before the nips come. A honeymoon should be like a table... Four bare legs and no drawers. "I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off." Go west young man, get up the Darling as far as you can. And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him... "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it." Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day. Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family. The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be... Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza. They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket. A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day. Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 STOP Happy voyage, bottoms up. Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug Advice to submariners - if torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject. May the Blue bird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake. Confucious say wife for life is better than wife for strife. Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor. She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on her and off her. Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes. Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table. Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population. From the football club - We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck. After a moment of quite repose It's tum to tum and toes to toes After a moment of sheer delight It's back to back for the rest of the night. Dear {bride}, Isn't it funny how history repeats itself? {Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again! This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers. The best man exclaims, "come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!" To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong. So they honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!" The groom replies, "I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon." After a few more minutes, the bride can't take it any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did. The groom, sitting on the bed *sniff* notices this awful smell! *sniff* *sniff* EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "honey, There's SHIT in your BOX!!" *pounding on the wall* The best man yells, "turn her over, turn her over!" One time, before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls (and even one guy). Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about a dozen of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek while grabbing his butt. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well. A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain--" "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say--" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn. It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. -- Rogers If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. -- Chekhov The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. -- Coleridge Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as a duchess. -- Dr. Johnson If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. -- Haskins A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. -- Du Bois A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. -- Moliere Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. -- Goethe In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. -- Butler A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. -- Nietzsche Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -- Dumas Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. -- Dr. Johnson The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? -- Freud Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. -- Montaigne For a male and female to live continuously together is... biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. -- Robert Briffault Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. -- Baskins A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers. A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno. Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one? Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.