Date: Wed, 10 Mar 93 00:10:43 -0500 From: Usenet Oracle Subject: Usenet Oracularity #543-08 Selected-By: davis@licre.ludwig.edu.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ^C And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } UNIVERSE WIDE MESSAGE FROM oracle@delphi.gr: } } The Universe will be shutting down IMMEDIATELY for a quick reboot. } } Lining up all lawyers and politicians....one moment please.... } Killing all lawyers and politicians.... } Killing all other life forms.... } Imploding all solar systems.... } Stopping all electrons.... } Turning off gravity.... } Turning off light... } Stopping time. } } Rebooting... } } [ Bloop! ] } } Welcome to Universe/OS version 1.01! } } Time restarted.... [ please check current time! ] } Turning on light. } Recomputing gravity constant....Recomputed! } Waiting for electrons to respin....Done! } Fsck-ing all solar systems. Please wait, this could take a } nanosecond... } } FSCK: WARNING: FS /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/packwood already } mounted. } FSCK: WARNING: /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/congress - } File system may be corrupt. } FSCK: WARNING: EXCESSIVE BAD BLKS FOUND! } FSCK: ERROR: NO SPACE LEFT IN /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/congress } FSCK: ERROR: /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/congress PURGED! } } FSCK: WARNING: FILE SYSTEM } /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/whitehouse/clinton } FSCK: WARNING: UNREF waffle FILE. } FSCK: ERROR: NO lost+found DIRECTORY } } FSCK: WARNING: USING ALTERNATE SUPERBLOCK AT 2600 } } FSCK: REMOUNTING: FILE SYSTEM } /Mombo/milkyway/sol/earth/na/usa/whitehouse/hilary } } FSCK: Done! } } Solar Systems remounted. } } Starting all life forms. } } warning: some lawyers and politicians may have been lost to /dev/null } } Welcome to Universe/OS version 1.01! } } login: *** From adam Wed Mar 10 22:34:08 1993 Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does she really love me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are many classic methods for determining this, such as the "She } loves me, she loves me not ..." test, though there is a growing volume } of scientific evidence to suggest this method is inaccurate about 45% of } the time. } } However, there is indeed a more accurate method, here it is, the } } "Great Usenet Oracle's Does She Love Me Test". } } This test normally retails for $20.00 but as you're the first person to } try it, I'll let you have a discount. } } Just try and enact the situations, note her response, and add up the } points. } } 1) You suggest going 'somewhere special' for an evening, she spends two } hours putting on make-up and selecting a *stunning* dress to wear. The } 'somewhere special' turns out to be a local greasy burger bar. Does she: } } a) Think it's a hilarious joke, and enjoy her burger. (10 points) } b) Eat her burger in silence and not speak to you for the rest } of the evening (6 points) } c) Throw the burger in your face, and take the taxi home. (3 points) } d) Go and get the burger for you, wait until you've eaten yours, } and then tell you she bribed the kitchen staff to put rat poison } in it. (0 points) } } 2) She has been away for two weeks when she comes back you meet her, } when she asks "Have you missed me?", you answer "I noticed your } absence". Does she: } } a) Laugh at the joke and insist on going straight to bed in order } to catch up for the last two weeks. (10 points) } b) Look annoyed, and pretend to ignore it. (6 points) } c) Slap you round the face and take a taxi home. (4 points) } d) Knee you in the groin so hard that you pass out with the pain. } (0 points) } } 3) You come home from a hard days work, the socks you have been wearing } for two weeks are getting a bit crunchy, you take them off and throw } them at the wall, one of them sticks. Does she: } } a) Lovingly pick up the socks, inhale the odour, and declares that } they are a great monument to your manlyness. (10 points) } b) Pick them up and put them in a washing basket, to be washed } and ironed by her later. (7 points) } c) She picks them up (with tongs) and throws them in the bin. } (2 points) } d) Calls you a "smelly pig" and throws both the socks and you } out. (0 points) } } 4) You have taken the afternoon off work to fix your car, when she gets } home she notices you have torn up one of her nicest dresses to clean the } carburetor with. You explain the importance of using silk to clean out } the delicate parts. Does she: } } a) Say that you should have used her grandmothers antique wedding } dress instead, given how important it is. (10 points) } b) Go in the house, slam the door, but forgive you later. (7 points) } c) Demand you buy her a new dress and threaten to call a lawyer } if you don't. (4 points) } d) Remove the petrol cap, stuff he remnants of the dress in and } put a match to it. (0 points) } } } 5) You go out for the evening with the 'lads' (without mentioning it to } her) and when you get home at 1am drunk and stinking of beer. Is she: } } a) Lying in bed, naked, waiting for you to come home and make love } to her, she is so lustful she doesn't care where you've been. } (10 points) } b) Asleep. (5 points) } c) Waiting for you to come in, and then screams at you for being } late. The usual "Where have you been ? " etc etc. (3 points) } d) Lying in bed, naked, with someone else. (0 points) } } } SCORING } 0-9 points } I think you're onto a loser here, dump her, and look for someone } more 'understanding' } 10-19 points } Not a complete disaster, but fairly close. } 20-29 points } A reasonable compromise, she might improve given time and } 'training'. } 30-39 points } I think on balance, she does love you. } 40-49 points } Almost the perfect relationship. She does love you. You will make } a wonderful couple. } 50 points } You must have made an error and mistaken your woman for Lisa. } } You owe the oracle $19.95 for this test. *** Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I unstable? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nitrogen Tri-Iodide, NI3.NH3, is unstable. Ammonium chlorate is } unstable. Barium Chlorate is unstable. } } Nowhere in the Merck index is supplicant listed as unstable, so I guess } that means you're OK. Relax. } } You owe the Oracle a $500.00 gift certificate from the Pyrotechnic's } Store. *** Selected-By: RICH MCGEE The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are hiccups? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hiccups are creatures } Who live in your spleen } They number in thousands, } But can barely be seen } They're small and they're harmless, } But can be quite mean. } They feed off of swallowed } Wads of Dentyne (tm). } } It's dry in the spleen, } And that's how they prefer it. } So when you drink too fast, } They try and deter it. } They call out the Navy, } Air Force and Marines } And wage an attack } On your stomach, in teams. } } They shoot little arrows, } And tiny harpoons. } Your stomach feels this, } and so it balloons: } It draws in some air, } With embarrassing sounds, } And keeps it all there, } 'Till it's big enough 'round. } } And then, with a belch } That could blow up a bus, } It expels all the hiccups } Don't drink it too fast, } Or they'll get mad and frown } And you'll make that embarrassing } Hiccuping sound. } } You owe the Oracle the head of Dr. Seuss on a silver platter, and the } head of Dr. Science on a 12" vinyl album of Ethel Merman disco tunes. } Now scram, kid, you bother me. *** Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, who knowest all that there is to know tell me what is the > connection between a womans genitals and her brain that would cause her > to repeat "I have a headache" whenever she is asked to copulate with > her chosen mate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not the connection between her genitals and her brain that does } it...it's the connection between *his* genitals and her brain. } } Women, contrary to popular belief, are intelligent. They long ago } made the connection between copulation with men and sleeping in the } wet spot, pregnancy, body odor in the sheets, being unsatisfied } while partner naps, and finding the damn seat left up during the } post-coital wee-wee. } } Ergo, the mere thought of sex gives women a headache. So she's not } lying to you...she really does have a headache. } } You owe the Oracle some Rice Chex. (You can put the gun down now, } Lisa.....) *** Usenet Oracle: Usenet Oracularity #552-02 Thu, 01 Apr 93 15:06 Selected-By: davis@licre.ludwig.edu.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle, whose knowledge of philosophy is > unequalled, > > Is this a question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O supplicant of little cellular brain power, whose ideas on } philosophy are sadly lacking, is this an answer? *** Usenet Oracle: Usenet Oracularity #552-08 Thu, 01 Apr 93 15:06 Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oraclemeister, > When's the last time you took a bath? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ask your momma...she was there. } } You owe the Oracle a little bit of respect. Heh heh heh *** Usenet Oracle: Usenet Oracularity #552-10 Thu, 01 Apr 93 15:07 Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mr. Oracle, the great oracle of the Universe, who probably won the > Miss Universe pagent last year. Please tell me how to get laid with a > person of the opposite sex? P.S. I'm Female. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'll be right over. } } You owe the Oracle an egret feather (you'll find out soon enough!) *** Selected-By: jim@oasis.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, whose IQ, > if recorded in digital form, would fill a DASD farm, > if carved in stone, would be too heavy for God to lift, > if inscribed on parchment, would make sheep extinct, > if printed in individual atoms, would outweigh a pound of lead, > if written in rainbows, would outshine the Sun, > Wise Oracle, so wise > that Solomon, despairing, cut himself in half, > that Einstein, comparing, said wisdom was relative, > that Freud, analyzing, unconsciously cut it off, > that Marx, synthesizing, disparaged wisdom as bourgeois, > Ancient Oracle, who once > taught Alexander to untie knots, > showed Archimedes how to fill a bathtub, > helped Pythagoras with his geometry homework, > Knowing Oracle, who knows exactly > how many grains of sand comprise the beach this instant, > what a boojum snark looks like, > Great Oracle, whose pedal extremeties, > if they ever deigned to touch the ground, > would never land in dog stuff, > > This supplicant, > whose feet stink like frog farts, > whose ignorance is so undeserving of your knowledge, > whose inexperience tries the patience of your anciency, > whose foolishness is so unworthy of your wisdom, > and whose IQ is but a cipher to your endless stream of digits, > abases himself in Your presence. > > Were my IQ a drop, Yours would be an Ocean! > If my wisdom were a pebble, Yours would be the Rockies! > My flame is but a candle, Yours the eternal Sun! > All I know worth knowing, is that You know so much more! > Were I to step into Your shoes, they'd still be all but empty! > > <<<< SPEAK, O SUPPLICANT. >>>> > > Yes, Oracle, I speak! > And what a proud day it is for me that such Great and Wondrous Ears > as Yours should hearken to my words; > for I, a mere unworthy humble mortal, merely having the chance to > address such a Being of higher dimension is in and of itself an honor, > leaving aside all the enlightenment that is bound to come from Your > effulgent Answer. > > Yes, Oracle, I have seen what an Answer can mean, > how it can change a life and make it ever after better, > how it can light the way to Truth, and > > <<<< ASK YOUR QUESTION, SUPPLICANT. >>>> > > [My Question. Dare I? No.] > Yes, Oracle, Great Oracle, Wise Oracle, Potent Oracle, > Wealthy Oracle, Splendid Oracle, > > <<<< YOU HAVE GROVELED ENOUGH. >>>> > > [I'm not so sure.] > > <<<< WHAT? >>>> > > I mean, O great Oracle, that You deserve much more, > much more groveling than I can hope > > <<<< ASK THE DAMNED QUESTION!! >>> > > [Oh.] > Great Oracle, the Question that I have to ask, > in hopes it will be kindly met by the Mighty Usenet Oracle, > not meaning in any way to offend or upset You, > in the sincerest quest for sorely needed lore, > > <<<< ASK IT *NOW*! OR ELSE. >>>> > > [Gulp. Okay, here goes nothing:] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Will you marry me ? } } [ A moment of deathly silence passes. ] } } <<< WHAT ?! >>> } } Will, you er.. marry me ? } } <<< HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? OF ALL THE IMPERTINENT ->>> } } [ Oh no. I knew he'd get like this. I'd better grovel some more] } } Please, O glorious er of film critics, whose farts have the } strength of the north wind, who- } } <<< OH SHUT UP! EXCESSIVE GROVELING IS EVEN MORE ANNOYING THAN } NONE AT ALL! MARRY YOU ?! BEING OMNISCIENT I ALREADY KNOW } WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE AND THAT ALONE WOULD BE REASON ENOUGH TO } SAY NO. >>> } } But I'd make a great wife! } } <<< CAN YOU DO THE TRIPLE TONGUE LOOP WITH FOLLOW THROUGH ? >>> } } No, what's that ? } } <<< HA! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW BASIC KARMA SUTRA! LISTEN, GO AND } FIND YOURSELF SOMEONE MORE SUITABLE. >>> } } But "I don't want anybody else; when I think about you I touch } myself...And Nothing Compares; Nothing Compares to You!" } } <<< OH NO, IT'S SERENADING ME NOW! PLEASE, JUST GO AWAY!! >>> } } I would rather die! } } <<< THAT COULD BE ARRANGED.. >>> } } [sulking] OK, I'll go away now. What do I owe you ? } } <<< THAT $10,000 DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING YOU PURCHASED WILL } DO NICELY, THANK YOU. AND SHUT THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT! >>> *** Selected-By: jim@vpm.icl.co.uk (The Wumpus) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > #include > > // The following code segment poses a philosophical question to the > // Usenet Oracle. Expect a response in a day or so. > > question = (2*b || !(2*b)); > whether = (mind->tis_nobler) * 2 * > suffer(outrageous_fortune.slings, outrageous_fortune.arrows) > take(arms) - troubles[sea] && opposing(end(them)); And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } kill -9 Polonius Ophelia Gertrude Claudius Laertes Hamlet Rosenkrantz \ } Guildenstern } } You owe the Oracle a happy ending. *** Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle omniscient! > O Oracle omnipresent! > O Oracle omnibenevolent! > O Oracle "Omni" subscriber! > > It is You who Enlighten us! > It is You who are always With us! > It is You who are always Nice to us, except when we Really Deserve It! > It is you who gets to hang out with Lisa! > > You can understand a Question in any language! > You can withstand the onslaught of W*******k Questions and stay Sane! > You can zot supplicants at a whim, and not have to feel guilty about it! > You can make a rock so big you can't lift it, but know better! > > You make Thor look like a 98 pound weakling! > You make Einstein look like a kindergartener! > You make Freud look like a Oedipal lunatic! > You make Michaelangelo look like a white-belt! > > Sorry to take up your time, I don't have a question. I just > thought you could use some good grovelling. > > -A. Supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thank you for the wonderful grovel. My head is so swelled, I broke into } song. } } Oracle: I am the Oracle of the net. } I know everything, you bet! } Whose praises all the netlings sing, } With grovels all the net doth ring. } } And Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet! } } Chorus: Yes, Lisa is his goddess and his priestess and his pet! } } Oracle: When at Olympus I abide, } My head doth swell with pride. } I snap my fingers at the Woodchuck lot, } And give each supplicant a Zot! } } 'Cause Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet! } } Chorus: Wow, Lisa is his goddess and his priestess and his pet. } } Oracle: But, when Thor's horn doth blow, } I generally go below, } To see what a mess my sayings bring, } And deny that I ever said anything, } } Still, Lisa is my goddess and my priestess and my pet! } } Chorus: And, Lisa is his goddess, yes his priestess and his goddess - } and his pet!! } } Chorus: For he is Olympian! } } Oracle: Yes I myself have said it, } And it's greatly to my credit, } That I am Olympian. } } Chorus: Yes, he is Olympian. } } Lisa: For he might have lived in Taj Mahal, } Or resided in old Valhalla, } Or perhaps a Druid's grove. } } Chorus: Yes, perhaps a Druid's grove! } } Oracle: But in spite of all temptation, } To dominate other nations, } I remain Olympian! } } Chorus: He remains Olym-m-m-m-pian! } } You owe the Oracle an Oscar for best song. *** Selected-By: Todd Radel The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me oh marvelous Oracle of unlimited beauty and perception, how can > I karak my shigwabner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh supplicant, how doest thou swage me, } Let me count the walp. } Odun-thee klarts the vest plajue, } Dua-tee shrooms my blomje! } Tray the dnar!jbtine cukpeb, } Quat-te jgwdst hst burg dodnt. } } However, thou shouldst never NEVER karak thine shigwabner, } or I won't let thee hold my hubshif at the next bazoomba. *** Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, O oracle most wise, > What is this I see before my eyes? > It looks of silver, > And of gold, > Tell me Oracle, what do I Hold? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You nasty boy, I know your kind, } Release that thing, or you'll go blind. } Meet a girl and get a date, } Then you'll know it was not your fate, } To sit at home and masturbate. } } You owe the Oracle a peanut butter and KY-jelly sandwich. *** Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Up against the wall, Orrie! It's the Revolution at long last! > > You're part of the problem, not part of the solution, and from now > on I'm giving you the answers! > > The answer to your multi-part question is: > > a. Lisa > > b. cumquats > > c. 3,975,420,001,895,563.98 > > Now, You owe ME ( for a change ) a subway series. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen, scum-sucking simian miscreant, the Oracle does not give in to } such idle threats. Who do you think you are that you can ask such } things? What kind of woman would it take to get me to give in? What } kinds of fruits would she have to be bearing? How many? Obviously you } have no idea. } } You owe the Oracle some subservience while I revel in smug } self-satisfaction. *** Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O'Omnisuperfantaenormous Hyper-Knowledge-owning Oracle, I have but > one humble question: > > If something oral comes from the mouth, > and something anal comes from the anus, > and you're the oracle, > is the anacle then your sister? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ha Ha Ha. The Oracle has not laughed so hard in centuries. } } Foolish supplicant, Trix are for kids. } } WHOOPS, sorry, went away there for a moment. } } Foolish supplicant, the Anacle is actually the ancient god } Uranus. } } You owe me a Klingon battle cruiser. *** Selected-By: David Sewell The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When do we have to evacuate Earth?*** And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean you're still there? *** From cook@cco.caltech.edu Sun May 16 13:49:15 1993 To: adam@vlsi.cs.caltech.edu Subject: I love the Oracle! >Date: Wed, 12 May 93 08:07:37 -0500 >From: Usenet Oracle >Subject: Usenet Oracularity #560-01 Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle of the East, whose blinding brilliance outshines the Rising > Sun, please tell me how to do an infinite amount of work in a finite > amount of time. Like get it done tonight. Like I thought once I was > out of college I wouldn't have all-nighters, and here it is going on > 30 years and they still happen. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle of the Western, but still fashionable, Section of the East } understands and pities you. Even the great Oracle has been forced on } occasion to pull an all-nighter. It is indeed a hard world. But } there is hope... } } PRESENTING "POWER-PILL"! NEW, FROM ORACO! } } TIRED? GROGGY? NEED A LITTLE PICK ME UP TO GET YOU THROUGH A LONG } NIGHT? ORACO PRESENTS "POWER-PILL," THE LATEST IS META-PHYSICAL } PHARMACUETICALS. JUST ONE "POWER-PILL" GIVES YOU ENOUGH ENERGY AND } MOTIVATION TO GET THROUGH THE WORST CRISIS! JUST LISTEN TO QUOTES } FROM OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS: } } "POWER-PILL is great. I was moving so fast that the air gave me } friction burns." } } "POWER-PILL saved my job. I had more energy than 1,000,000 epileptic } squirrels." } } "Forget Caffeine, POWER-PILL is dynamite. Just one pill, and I could } type so fast that my knuckles exploded." } } "I took just one POWER-PILL, and I could run 300 miles per hour. It } was great, until I ran into a tree." } } THAT'S RIGHT! "POWER-PILL" CAN DO ALL THIS AND MORE! IF YOU TAKE TWO } PILLS AT ONCE, THEN YOU CAN ACTUALLY GO BACKWARDS IN TIME! NO MORE } NEED TO WORRY ABOUT DEADLINES! INCREASE YOUR EARNING POTENTIAL! HOLD } TEN FULL-TIME JOBS, AT THE SAME TIME! } } Warning: The Surgeon General has found that "POWER-PILL" can lead to } physical injury. Do not use while operating a vehicle. Keep away } from small children. Store "POWER-PILL" containers only in } lead-shielded containers. Observe normal radiation hazzard } precautions. Overdose can lead to death and thermo-nuclear explosion. } } You owe the Oracle some downers, and quickly. Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wondrous Oracle, light of all Incomprehensible Oracle, whose > civilization, hear our plea. stinking big intellect makes me > We are a dual personality trap- feel like my part of the brain is > ped in a single brain. We argue something the cat dragged in, do > constantly, except when we are you know what it's like being stuck > not talking to each other. My with that prissy pile of dirt over > other half is so impolite and there? The only thing I can agree > disreputable, even immoral, that with him on is divorce. The sooner > I'm ashamed to be in the same the quicker. You're probably no > skull with him. I wish I didn't better than he is, for that matter. > have to be so critical of him, Anyway, tell us how to get out of > but it's hard to be nice when this prison. He's making my life > the other guy is so bad. Can miserable, always complaining about > you give us advice about how to my ideas. Says I'm immoral. Makes > get out of this sad situation? me sick. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gentle supplicant, I would suggest | Look, you idiot, I think it's } trying to convince your other half | obvious that your companion is } to seek some professional guidance. | not running on all four wheels. } It's quite apparent that any | You need to get him into therapy } problems he has are quite deep | as soon as possible and get rid } seeded, and while I could cure them | of this stress point in your } quite easily on my own, the process | life. I could just him, } of slow reconciliation is usually | but you'd get toasted in the } much more effective in the long run. | process, and that'd be a massive } | bummer. } | } By the way, he'll probably say that | By the way, he'll probably say } you're the one who needs therapy. | that you're the one who needs } Bear with him. He's really the one | therapy. Bear with him. He's } that needs help. Badly. | really the one that needs help. } | Badly. } | } You don't owe the Oracle anything. | You don't owe the Oracle } You've got enough troubles. | anything. You've got enough } | troubles. *** X-Faces: SoN-OfA*Bi^tc&h+Go|to9H4ell,Y(ou@f%uc,k How do you run the universe successfully? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a very good and, shall we say, pertinent question, } supplicant, especially in these times where universes are bubbling up } out of the void with so much verve, and enthusiasm. The advances in } human science makes it possible for even you, a lowly supplicant, to } have a chance to run your very own universe. So, before you get into } any trouble, and devalue your wise investment, let me give you a few } pointers: } } (1) Keep the micro-organisms OUT. This includes all phages, bacilla, } paramecium, and politicians. You will find that this will reduce the } level of horrible diseases and plagues dramatically. } } (2) Don't eat fried foods. It may not help your universe to run } better, but it sure cuts down on the heartburn! } } (3) Hire a team of as many lawyers as you possibly can. This also may } not keep the universe in line, but I'll tell you: it sure helps get } the frustration out when you one every once in a while. } } (3a) Keep the lawyers OUT. This one should be obvious. } } (4) Always pay the mortgage on time. Nothing can cause more chaos in a } universe than when its repossessed. } } (5) In this universe the speed limit is 186,282 mi/sec. Make the speed } limit in your universe 55 mph. Such speeds are reckless, and cause } more accidents than banana peels left on the floor. } } (5a) Make seat belts mandatory. Giving the inhabitants genetic } seat belts saves time and money, because they will be } born with them. } (5b) Keep the banana peels OUT. } } (6) Some universes are infinite. Keep yours finite. It helps in } keeping all the aforementioned OUT. } } (7) Keep all your detractors OUT. Freedom of speech is for WIMPS. } } (8) Hint: 6 days isn't enough time to build the universe. I mean, look } at the sorry state of this one! } _____ } /*&^%*\ } |%$#@!)&| } \___/\/ } / } / } / } /\/ } _ /_ } / \ // \ } \// } ******CRACK!******* } [Bolt of lightning from the sky.] } } Connection closed by foriegn host. } telnet> } } (you owe the oracle a pair of asbestos shorts. OUCH!) *** Usenet Oracle: Usenet Oracularity #563-10 Fri, 21 May 93 12:56 Selected-By: David Bremner The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can I get a date with Joanie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, I'm sure we can find you something. Let's just type it in on the } computer here.... } } $ cupid -LD Joanie* $SUPPLICANT } CUPID--Oracular Dating Service Applicant Matching Program } -Loose matching activated } -Desperate mode activated } Looking for Joanie* ............. done } Found 243253 entries for Joanie* } Matching profiles to subject ................. done. } Found 3 matching profiles.... } _____________________________ } Profile 001 of 003 } Name: Joanie Gumpall } Sex: F Age: 45 } Height: 4'8" Weight: 184 lb. } Hair: Brown Eyes: Brown } Compatability to subject profile: 45% } Hobbies/Interests: "TV. Food. Whatever." } Looking for: "Anybody who dont leave the toilet seat up." } Mailbox Number: 243321 } _____________________________ } Profile 002 of 003 } Name: Joanie Creider (nee Bob) } Sex: M Age: 51 } Height: 5'10" Weight: 140 lb. } Hair: No Eyes: Blue } Compatability to subject profile: 31% } Hobbies/Interests: "Nice dresses. Pretty ones." } Looking For: "GWM seeks GWM/BWM HIV- for LTR ASAP" } Mailbox Number: 022321 } _____________________________ } Profile 003 of 003 } Name: Joanie Fisher } Sex: F Age: 34 } Height: 5'5" Weight: 133 Lb. } Hair: Red Eyes: Green } Compatibility to subject profile: 27% } Hobbies/Interests: "Collecting broken hearts, } wrecking happy marriages, you know--the usual" } Looking for: "Victim number 1383" } Mailbox Number: 443523 } _____________________________ } } End of prospective profiles. } To learn more about any of these exciting people, call } 1-900-HOM-ELY1, and then enter the Mailbox Number } from the profile of the date of your dreams. You'll } hear a recorded message from that person, and have a } chance to leave a message for them. Good luck! } } end of CUPID program. } } You owe the Oracle $4.00 for the first minute, $2.00 for } each minute after the first. *** |From petes@microsoft.com Fri May 21 12:09:27 1993 | [...] |This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle: | |> If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the |> floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window |> or other high and towering place, it will land on it's feet. |> |> But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side |> up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? |> Will the cat land on it's feet? Or will the butter splat on |> the ground? |> |> -Mike | |And in response, thus spake the Oracle: | |} Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be |} able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand |} that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of |} feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. |} If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to |} resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. |} |} That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), |} you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, |} when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of |} cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium |} point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing |} lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. |} |} Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this |} principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The |} loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of |} several hundred tabbies. |} |} The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the |} bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats |} will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, |} since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of |} red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them. *** Usenet Oracle: Usenet Oracularity #564-07 Thu, 27 May 93 08:00 Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Infinite Oracle, why can't I divide by zero? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, dear mortal, but you can. } } The problem lies rooted in a deep historical conflict between } mathematics and accountancy. The zero was invented by accounts, and } only later admitted by mathematicians, who only after seeing how useful } it was grumped that they knew it all the time. } } Many people say that you can't divide by zero, but as I said you can. } Try it yourself, sometime. It may cause your calculator to spell out } ErrOr, but nonetheless, you did it. This particular feature is also the } basis for the famous "James Tiberius Kirk School of Cybernetic Judo" } wherein the largest of electronic minds are laid low by this smallest } (in magnitude) of numbers. } } But I digress. When you divide by the numbers that mathematicians } create, you get a mathematicians answer -- one well-defined answer. } This is well and good, but also boring as you must know. However, when } you divide by the accountant's number, zero, you get an accountant's } answer, which is, "What would you like it to be?" } } This fact is what caused mathematicians to declare that there could be } no zero (and for that matter, no negative numbers). It wasn't until the } wiser accountants invented lending, interest, usury, and national debt } that the mathematicians saw the utility of zeroes at all, and finally } relented. But they still get grumpy about the grandest accountant's } trick of all, dividing by zero. } } Dividing by zero and applying a little creativity can get you any } answer you choose. Those who tell you otherwise are either jealous } mathematicians, or people who aren't terribly creative. Both of these } sorts of people have finite brains, and are disturbed by an infinite } multitude of answers, so they tell you things like that "undefined." } Whatever that means. They certainly don't. If you don't believe me, ask } them. They will likely tell you that it means that it's undefined. Oh, } sure, they may wrap a lot of jargon and fast talk around it, but I can } assure you that it all boils down to undefined meaning that it's } undefined. This isn't a very good definition, if you ask me, and } demonstrates that the only rigor in this definition is rigor mortis of } the polyhedral lobes. Be sure to tell them I said this. When they get } hot under the collar, you will know I'm right. } } In conclusion, I should add this one small warning. Although you *can* } divide by zero, it is unwise to do so, unless you know what you are } doing. It is best done only by professional accountants and liberal } mathematicians. You can hurt yourself when dividing by zero. For } example, if the IRS catches you at it, they will likely not find it } amusing (you are, after all, intruding on their turf). They will likely } apply "penalties and interest" to the calculations that *they* would } like to have happened, and justice itself would dictate that they } compute them turning the denominator of the interest into a lowly but } useful zero. *** Usenet Oracle: Usenet Oracularity #565-10 Tue, 01 Jun 93 19:46 Selected-By: davis@licre.ludwig.edu.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who could see the tail of a gnat on the ground under > a tree on a cloudy day from the middle row of a 747 cruising > at altitude 35,000 feet, > > Can you identify this animal for me? Can it be a woodchuck? > > //////// > /////////////// > //////////////////// > /////////////////////// > -~//////////////////////// > -~o ///////////////////////// > .-~ //////////////////////// > @ _ _ _ _ _///////////////////// > ''' ''' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't think so, but I'm not taking any chances. } } | | } V V } } ______ } | | } ____________________ } /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\ } /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\ } /XXXXXXX 16 tons XXXXXXXX\ } /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\ sssQUELTCH!! } /XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX\ } ~ ------------------------------- } @ _ /\_ _ _///////////////////////////////////// } Ooomph ,,, ,,, } } You owe the Oracle a pulley and a dustpan and brush. *** The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, please help me with my difficulty. > > I am a personnel manager for a large company. With the recent > requirements for political correctness I am concerned about my title, > and the fact that I use a personal computer. The problem is obvious: > "personnel" has "son" in it as does personal, and "manager" has "man". > I have therefore sent out a memo which I reproduce below: > > From: J. Bloggs, Perpeoplel perpeopleager > To: All staff > Re: Perpeoplal computers > > Henceforth all "personal computers" will be known as "perpeoplal > computers" in recognition of the potential political incorrectness of > the former name. > > J. Bloggs, chairperpeople, PC committee > > Anyway, to my question: > My analyst has started asking for danger money. Should I pay? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's even worse than you thought. } } The English "people" comes from the Latin "populus." While "populus" } refers to people in general, it is gramatically of masculine gender. } However, it may be replaced by a gender-neutral term for a } gender-neutral concept, such as the Tlingit word "makchutep," meaning } people in general. Unfortunately, makchutep contains the syllable } "chu," which is strongly reminiscent of the Lahu word "chur," meaning } one's best friend's uncles. It must therefore be replaced by the Lower } Middle Late Pidgin Yiddish "Svolbtz," a slang term for collateral } relatives of any gender. This may be done freetly, since LMLPY is } completely free of gender references (coincidentally, this language was } only spoken by a group of seven shopkeepers and their families in a } small village near Gdansk, where it soon passed out of use, since it } proved impossible to gossip effectively in LMLPY). To sum up, you may } safely refer to yourself as a } "Permaksvolbtztepl Permaksvolbtztepger" without fear of offending } anyone. Other words may be changed accordingly. } } Your analyst is a heavily disguised alien from Venus. It is attempting } to charge you more in order to finance the construction of a } mind-control network base on microwave oven technology. Kill it. Kill } it now. } } You owe the Oracle a gender-neutral translation of the Kama Sutra. *** The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok chief. Here's my latest status report. > > The plan is progressing well. Ames's plan was > really a stroke of genius. Not only is the American > public convinced, but recent documents show that the > KGB has taken it hook, line, and sinker. > > The 'escape' plans have been finalized. Our contact > in Cuba has already 'planted' the seed, and the two of > them should be in Moscow within the week. Then it's > just a matter of sitting back and waiting for thier > reports to come in. > > Initial reports indicate he will be in early, and be > in deep. He will be the best damn mole we've ever had! > > I will await the final approval. > > Max. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Max: } } There is a change in status between our side and their side. Although } we have always kept our side in opposition with their side, now there } are other sides we need to onsider. Because of this, our side and } their side are secretly joining sides so that our (combined) side can } work against the other side(s). } } I know this seems confusing to you, but think of it this way: Now that } their side is our side and our side works with their side, both sides } are the same side and the other side is whatever side is left. The } agents who were inside their side are now outside the other sides. } Besides, agents of their side who got inside the other sides are now on } our side. We've even got some leftists on the right side! } } As to Ames, he's on our side, but worked enough for their side so that } when he got inside our side their side thought he was still on their } side even though he was always on our side. Now that both sides are the } same side, we want the other side to think that he's always been on } their side (not the other side!) and that his escape to their side is a } problem for our side, when actually he's moving sideways, from one side } of our side to the other side of our side. } } Good work. Continue as planned. Cover your backside. } } Chief } } You owe the Oracle a two-sided Mobius strip made out of copper. Please } make sure that it is silver-plated on one side and gold-plated on the } other. ***