Mon Feb 7 19:10:59 1994 Reply-To: WEBSTER@USCN.BITNET 148 THINGS (NOT) TO DO OR SAY AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE Written by Master Peter Dutton contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, Patricia Whitson and a few others. 1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..." 2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee. 3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question. 4) Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance. 5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..." 6) Stage your own death/suicide. 7) Lead the specators in a Wave. 8) Have a sing-a-long. 9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?" 10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..." 11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in. 12) Puppet show. 13) Group prayer. 14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld. 15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc. 16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!" 17) Imitate Groucho Marx. 18) Mime. 19) Hold a Tupperware party. 20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads. 21) "Everybody rhumba!!" 22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..." 23) Charge a cover and check for ID. 24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities..." 25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?" 26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics... 27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people. 28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas. 29) Door prizes and a raffle. 30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..." 31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..." 32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter. 33) Whine piteously, beg, cry... 34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin. 35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...") 36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer). 37) Fashion show. 38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..." 39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..." 40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.). 41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund. 42) Pass the collection basket. 43) Two-drink minimum. 44) Black tie only. 45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..." 46) Incite a revolt. 47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building. 48) Release a flock of doves. 49) Defense by proxy. 50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..." 51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about. 52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..." 53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?" 54) Bring your pet boa. 55) Tell ghost stories. 56) Do a "show and tell". 57) Food fight. 58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional. 59) Halftime show. 60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!" 61) "OK - which one of you farted?" 62) Rimshot. 63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands. 64) Pass out souvenier matchbooks. 65) 3-ring defense. 66) "Tag - you're it!" 67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion. 68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)" 69) Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band. 70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks. 71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens. 72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense. 73) Make committee members wear silly hats. 74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators. 75) Do a soft-shoe routine. 76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. 77) Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points. 78) "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..." 79) Tap dance. 80) Vaudeville. 81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out." 82) Flex and show off those massive pecs. 83) Dress in top hat and tails. 84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire. 85) Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to. 86) Shadow puppets. 87) Show slides of your last vacation. 88) Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps. 89) Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture. 90) "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave." 91) Call your advisor "sweetie". 92) Have everyone pose for a group photo. 93) Instant replay. 94) Laugh maniacally. 95) Talk with your mouth full. 96) Start speaking in tongues. 97) Explode. 98) Implode. 99) Spontaneously combust. 100) Answer every question with a question. 101) Moon everyone in the room after you are done. 102) "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..." 103) Hand out 3-D glasses. 104) "I'm rubber, you're glue..." 105) Go into labor (especially for men). 106) Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent. 107) "I don't know - I didn't write this." 108) Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats. 109) Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan. 110) Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And the coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail room. Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them stamps. 111) Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy". 112) Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional. 113) Invite the homeless. 114) "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you" 115) Hide. 116) Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?" 117) Same as #116, except use real bullets. 118) "Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..." 119) Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else. 120) Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy". 121) Play Thesis Mad Libs. 122) Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector. 123) Do your entire defense operatically. 124) Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child") 125) Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs. 126) Mosh pit. 127) Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!") 128) Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary. 129) "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!" 130) Claim political asylum. 131) Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's. 132) Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather. 133) Live radio and TV coverage. 134) Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions" 135) Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style. 136) Use a TelePromTer 137) "Take my wife - please!" 138) Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick. 139) Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor. 140) Offer a toast. 141) Firewalk. 142) Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early. 143) Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well. 144) Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style. 145) "By the power of Greyskull..." 146) Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not. 147) Stand on the table. 148) "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done..." *** On a Ph. D. oral, he asked the candidate about the convergence properties of certain hypergeometric series. "I don't remember," said the student, "but I can always look it up if I need it." [The professor] was not pleased. "That doesn't seem to be true," he said, "because you sure need it now." from Paul Halmos' autobiography *** In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. *** "My fire was smoking yesterday afternoon at dusk, as I sat reading the precis of a M.A. thesis. My nerves would have been quieter had I been reading a ghost story; thesis abstracts are, with very few exceptions, the least credible and most horrifying productions of imaginative literature." - Robertson Davies, _High Spirits_ *** "The first principle, when you don't know anything about the subject of a thesis, is to let the candidate talk, nodding now and then with an ambiguous smile. He thinks you know, and are counting his mistakes, and it unnerves him. ... the second principle of conducting an oral, ...is to pretend ignorance, and ask for explanations of very simple points. Of course your ignorance is real, but the examinee thinks you are being subtle, and that he is making an ass of himself, and this rattles him." - Robertson Davies, "The Ghost Who Vanished by Degrees", High Spirits *** "Intelligence is the ability to perceive patterns. Genius is the ability to perceive patterns where the bulk of mankind cannnot. Scholarship is the ability to perceive patterns where there aren't any." - Michael J. Moran Director of Mechanical Technology Kolmar Laboratories, Inc. - New York *** Regarding the issue of us not graduating yet, it might have to do with this secret internal e-mail that I happen to get. Here I send it to you. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- TO: Caltech Faculty FROM: President T. Everhart. SUBJECT: Computer Upgrades. Those member of our faculty who are using our supercomputer facilities are now encouraged to upgrade to the most powerful and satisfying computer available: graduate students. Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly graduate students. Imagine the advantages: * Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have students. You can easily add more power by promising more desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college through your guidance. Special student units can even handle several tasks *on*their*own*! * Full voice recognition interface. Never touch a keyboard or mouse again. Just mumble commands and they *will* be understood (or else!). * No hardware upgrades and no installation required. Every student comes complete with all hardware necessary. Never again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation! Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous end) and off it goes. * Abuse module. Imagine yelling expletives at your computer. Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there and ignores you. Through the grad student abuse module you can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot! * Built-in lifetime. Remember that awful feeling two years after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new faculty member on the block sneered at you because his FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your dinosaur? This doesn't happen with grad. students. When they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for themselves. Out of sight, out of mind! * Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely synthetic macaroni replacements. It is entirely unnecessary to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does get them going a little faster from time to time). * Low maintenance. Remember when that hard disk crashed in your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit bucket in the sky? This won't happen with grad. students. All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!* upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run good as new. Cordially, Thomas Everhart *** The Court of King George III London, England July 10, 1776 Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Dear Mr. Jefferson: We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision: 1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature. 2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion. 3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics. 4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify... You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations? 6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement. 7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies? 8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators. 9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War. 10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking. 11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix. We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required. Sincerely, Management Analyst to the British Crown *** Here is something that was mailed to me by Gregg Mack in Austin, TX, I'm sure some of you will be able to relate... --- Many of the first-year grad students have come up to me and asked me questions about the "thesis proposal". Such as, "What's a thesis proposal?" and "How will I know when I've had one?" Well, first of all, a thesis proposal is not that different from a marriage proposal. You make sincere promises, you sweat profusely, you hope the other party says yes. You get down on your knees and beg. Doing a marriage proposal is in fact good practice for a thesis proposal. All first-year grad students are encouraged to take the marriage minicourse. On to basics. Here is a sample thesis proposal: I would like to propose solving X. The traditional way to solve X is stupid, while my way is most excellent. The traditional way suffers from all sorts of problems. My way suffers from none of these problems. I have built a prototype that takes "input" and converts that input into what I call "output". The output of my prototype is excellent, although I could make it even more excellent. This is what I would like to propose to do. You should submit a draft like this to your advisor. You should then organize a "committee". Your committee will behave roughly like any other committee, for example, the Central Committee of the Chinese Communist Party. This committee has the power to make your life utterly miserable. On the other hand, the committee can solve all of your problems with the stroke of a pen. During your proposal, some member of your committee will ask, "How will science be different after your thesis?" There are two possible answers to this question: (true) "Science will be about the same." (false) "Science will be far better off, like, incredibly." Should you lie? In the words of Alan Perlis, "Why not?" At the end of your proposal, you must then give a schedule for your thesis work. A schedule for scientific research looks like this: November: Have major conceptual breakthrough. December: Apply breakthrough to solve problem. January: Discover new problem. February: Have another major conceptual breakthrough. March: ... You should know that failure to comply with your thesis schedule is grounds for dismissal. So when should you do your proposal? You will know when the time is right. A candlelit dinner, a knowing glance, a bottle of wine. Just follow your heart. Most students propose sometime during their first year. *** You just might be a grad student if: ...you can identify universities by their internet domains. ...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. ...you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes. ...you understand jokes about Foucoult. ...the concept of free time scares you. ...you consider caffeine to be a major food group. ...you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied. ...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird. ...the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway. ...you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library. ...you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work. ...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it). ...you can read course books and cook at the same time. ...you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come. ...you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in. ...you've ever worn out a library card. ...you find taking notes in a park relaxing. ...you find yourself citing sources in conversation. ...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes. *** From adam at xent dot com Wed May 24 10:23:05 1995 Sender: adam at xent dot com Organization: Caltech X-Mailer: Mozilla 1.1N (X11; I; SunOS 4.1.3_U1 sun4c) Mime-Version: 1.0 Subject: Advice to Graduate Students X-Url: http://clark.lcs.mit.edu/~shivers/grad-advice.html Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 Advice to Graduate Students From: Olin Shivers Date: Tue, 13 Dec 94 15:28:51 -0500 To: Jay.Sipelstein@CS.CMU.EDU In-Reply-To: <9412131321.aa26590@MINTAKA.LCS.MIT.EDU> Subject: Quals Hey, Jay. You are right -- people worry about quals way too much. I don't really remember much about my quals, or my entire first year, in fact. I spent most of it stoned to the gills. My most important graduate student advice, however, comes later in the game. Never, under any circumstances, let your advisor talk you into going out "for a few beers" the night before your thesis defense. It is not a tradition. It is not an expected rite of passage. It will not "relax you and help you do better tomorrow." Your advisor is, in fact, a lying son of a bitch. Trust me on this one. If you ignore this advice, I guarantee you that the following morning every one will be saying, "Wow, Jay, you look pale; are you feeling nervous?" In fact, you won't be nervous in the least. You'll be feeling so hung-over that you'll be praying for the release of immediate death, rather than worried about your presentation. It will not help that your entire committee will be grinning and saying things like "Don't worry, Jay! If you get half-way through your presentation and throw up... we'll throw up, too." I'm afraid that *is* a bit of a tradition at CMU -- trying to get hung-over grads to blow chunks in the middle of their defense. A professor who manages this feat gains great face with his colleagues -- you should see them high-fiving and laughing it up once everyone else has left the room. Although they would never discuss these things when there are "children" present, amongst themselves the faculty love to trade effective ploys they've used in the past. I remember standing there before my defense started. I was having cold sweats, couldn't balance well, and was unsuccessfully trying to get both of my eyes to focus in the same plane. While the rest of my committee sat there looking on and snickering like a bunch of jackals, Newell stepped up with a big, solicitous smile and said, "Say, Olin, you look like you could use a nice tall glass of cold pork gravy." My complexion instantaneously shifted from dead white to pale green, my mouth flooded with saliva, my stomach tried to turn itself into a Kline bottle, and it took all my control to just stand there and mutter, "Damn, Allen, did you really punch out that hooker in the bar last night?" After that, the rest of the actual presentation was a piece of cake. (And, actually, turned out it was Peter Lee that had started the bar fight, as you probably expected.) Professional academia is not pretty. I just wanted to get you clear on that. -Olin From adam Sun Jul 9 15:03:26 1995 Subject: Grad Schoot Facts fwd... Cc: klassa@aur.alcatel.com, rumman@cs.wm.edu The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students 10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. 9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. 8. My work has a lot of practical importance. 7. I would never date an undergraduate. 6. Your latest article was so inspiring. 5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here. 4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing. 3. The department is giving me so much support. 2. My job prospects look really good. 1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years. Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Assistants: 5. I'm not going to grant any extensions. 4. Call me any time. I'm always available. 3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe. 2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool. 1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys. You just might be a graduate student if... ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate. ...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment. ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet. ...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read. ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar. ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop. ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline. ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event. ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper. ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours." ...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche. ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library. ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes. ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin. ...you consider all papers to be works in progress. ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore. ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text. ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area. ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation. ...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation. ...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade". ...you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al." ...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy ...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry ...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards ...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication" Productive researcher = Publishes students' work under own name Prolific writer = Publishes identical article in different journals Research oriented = Can't teach Teaching oriented = Can't research Loyal = Unemployable elsewhere Conscientious = Appears on campus more than three times a week Charismatic = Gives frequent TV interviews Exceptionally well qualified = Has a degree from the same university as the Dean Committed to the university = Appears at every cocktail party Slightly below average = Hopeless Listens well = Has no original ideas Shows great promise = Is related to the Dean Internationally recognised = Likes to go to conferences Active socially = Drinks a lot Career minded = Buys drinks for the Dean Remarkably intelligent = Listens without yawning Regular attendance = Can't find work as a consultant and/or unhappy home life Visionary = Can't handle paperwork Qualifies for salary increase = Still breathing Popular with students = Finishes lectures early, or shouts students drinks at pub, or never fails anyone Very popular with students = Does all three *** From adam Mon Sep 25 09:20:11 1995 To: ari+@cs.cmu.edu, berna, dobbin@tma.com, gordoni@base.com, john-t, kbuxton@uiuc.edu, khare@w3.org, klassa@aur.alcatel.com, megan.coughlin@attws.com, paolo, rajit, robert, schooler Subject: Where can I get one of these? >From: MMGORMAN@com.informix.com August 12, 1995 -- Scottsdale, AZ -- The Coriolis Group today announced a major technology break through for the dissertation, publishing and software industries called the Author Collar. This device, created by Coriolis' Managing Editor, Ron Pronk, provides an innovative system to track and manage projects being developed by authors, PhD dissertation writers, software developers, and other freelance staff who are critical to the success of publishing-related projects. The Author Collar is designed to be worn around the neck of an author and connects to a personal computer using a standard SCSI port. With custom software developed by the Coriolis Group, the Author Collar can be connected to the Internet using a standard SLIP or PPP connection. Once connected, a product manager/thesis advisor can monitor the productivity of an author. If the author gets behind on an important project, the manager/advisor can send an email message and 'zap' the author a low-voltage electronic shock to keep him or her on schedule. This is the first time a technology like this has been developed to be used over the Internet. "We've been testing the Collar on some of our authors/dissertation writers for the past few months and it has helped to increase writing productivity over 72%," stated Pronk. "I especially like the Collar because I can get instant results. Instead of waiting days or perhaps weeks for a delinquent author/dissertation writer to get back to me, I can send a message across the Internet, 'zap' the author to get his or her immediate attention, and get a phone call/Email back in no time at all. With the use of this innovative technology, I can manage many more projects than I was able to in the past." "We've had especially gratifying results from disseration writers with small children. We've installed the device on the children. The productivity improvements are close to 100%. It is especially important to know when to zap the little tikes. Early hours of the AM, say 2 or 3 are not productive. The children only wake their parents and that slows productivity. During the day is not too good either because the kids are out to play or at baby sitters. The real good time is in the early evening when the kids are taking a bath. The zap is especially enhanced..." "The only real surprise has been with authors who have teen-age children. When the device is connected to the teen-agers, productivity decreases. Seems the parents look forward to the zapping event." "A few authors were reluctant to participate at first," Pronk admitted, "but after they overcame their initial hesitation, they've actually come to like it. An interesting thing happens. Authors no longer go through the day with that nagging stressed-out feeling that comes from ducking my phone calls. Instead, I give them a mild 'zap,' which essentially tells them, 'hey, let's pick up the pace, here.' It actually removes some of their guilt feelings about being late, and at the same time encourages them to deliver material more quickly. So it's a win-win situation for everybody involved." "We've invested heavily in this technology to give our company a competitive edge over other publishing companies in our market," stated Coriolis Publisher and CEO Keith Weiskamp. "With the Author Collar, any of our authors can easily crank out a 1,000+ page book in 21 days or less. In terms of productivity savings, Author Collar may turn out to be one of the most useful tools developed using the dynamic power of the Internet." The Author Collar can be used for a wide range of industries and applications. The Collar requires an IBM compatible PC or Macintosh with a SCSI port. In addition, a willing participant is required as well as a PPP or SLIP Internet connection. Pricing for the Author Collar has not been determined. A deluxe version of the Collar is under development that would allow managers to assign unique "hot keys" for activating multiple Collars, directly from the keyboard. From qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca Sun Dec 10 05:05:36 1995 To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca Subject: Quote of the day "The average Ph.D. thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another." - J. Frank Dobie, A Texan in England, 1945 Submitted by: cspratt@deakin.edu.au (Christine Spratt) Aug. 31, 1995 -------------------------------------------------------------- Send quotes to qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca Send list changes or requests to qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca From paolo@cs.caltech.edu Thu Mar 21 11:39:06 1996 To: cs138@cs.caltech.edu Subject: course evaluations Something you might appreciate. Wonder if there were any similar comments on the 138 evaluations....? >> >>This was taken from MIT's Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991. >>Any/all professional students should get a kick out of this :) >> >>****************************************************************** >>The Best and Worst Comments Received: >> >>"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room." >> >>"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high." >> >>"In class, the syllabus is more important that you are." >> >>"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!" >> >>"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor." >> >>"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree." >> >>"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame" >> >>"Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should >>proofread it." >> >>"Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the >>way I felt all term." >> >>"In class I learned I can fudge answers and get away with it." >>[That's an excellent lab technique that is learned by all undergrads.] >> >>"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot." >> >>"This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on >>faith." >> >>"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. >>Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him." >> >>"Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam >>material." >> >>"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, >>where I was, and what I was doing--It's a great stress reliever." >> >>"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized, >>presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my >>comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure." >> >>"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've >>got a cool nest in the tree." >> >>"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted." >> >>"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon." >>[I guess that means he's less than an infinitessimally small non-zero value.] >> >>"TA steadily improved throughout the course...I think he started drinking >>and it really loosened him up." >> >>"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose--spraying in all >>directions--no way to stop it." >> >>"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin >>tapes that I used while doing the problem sets" >> >>"What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high quality >>paper.'" >> >>"The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was >>covered on the final exam." From rliao@milbank.com Wed Mar 20 07:06:22 1996 Encoding: 3921 Text To: adam at xent dot com, cameronk@aol.com, faeder@jarrett.colorado.edu, sem@dc3.hhlaw.com, slv@oup-usa.org, stone@ai.mit.edu, vfu@dpw.com Return-Receipt-To: rliao@milbank.com Subject: Internet grad humor (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 5 Mar 1996 10:47:33 -0500 (EST) From: Jonathan E Rose To: Brian Wind , "Boccieri, Margie" , "Christopher M. Bishop" , Jonathan Rose <75027.1167@compuserve.com>, Nicole Price , AED-Warsaw , Shawn MacDonald , Cressida A Slote , Rene Celaya Subject: Internet grad humor (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Mon, 4 Mar 1996 14:56:46 -0500 (EST) From: Matthew Butterfield To: Jonathan E Rose Cc: Andrew Jeffries Subject: Internet grad humor (fwd) The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students (taken from the Harvard Crimson) 10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. 9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. 8. My work has a lot of practical importance. 7. I would never date an undergraduate. 6. Your latest article was so inspiring. 5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here. 4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing. 3. The department is giving me so much support. 2. My job prospects look really good. 1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years. Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Assistants: 5. I'm not going to grant any extensions. 4. Call me any time. I'm always available. 3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe. 2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool. 1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys. You just might be a graduate student if... ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate. ...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment. ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet. ...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read. ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar. ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop. ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline. ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event. ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper. ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours." ...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche. ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library. ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes. ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin. ...you consider all papers to be works in progress. ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore. ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text. ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area. ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation. ...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation. ..you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade". ..you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al." ..you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy ..you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry ..you have more photocopy cards than credit cards ..you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication" From klassa@aur.alcatel.com Tue Apr 16 05:10:45 1996 X-Mailer: exmh version 1.6.6 3/24/96 To: Gregn8r , Big Al , Adamski , He's Gumby Dammit , Bill , Ken Cc: strawn@aur.alcatel.com, buehler@aur.alcatel.com, strcklnd@aur.alcatel.com, munoz@aur.alcatel.com, newmjd@aur.alcatel.com, jgaither@aur.alcatel.com Subject: cute... ------- Forwarded Message > >Sent: Friday, March 15, 1996 11:10 AM > >To: MS Humor > >Subject: FW: When we're professors... > > > >51. On the first day of class, show up and pretend to be someone else > >substituting for you. Speak in a very thick German accent. Then on > >the second day of class show up again, speak in your normal voice, and > >do not refer to or acknowledge your behavior during the first class in > >any way. > > > >(this really happened to me) :-) > >---------- > > > > 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class > > > > 1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling > > noises. > > 2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class > > for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that > > yesterday was the last day to drop. > > 3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and > > scream "MY PACEMAKER!" > > 4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop. > > 5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point > > to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" > > 6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you > > a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor > > can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy". > > 7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand > > them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the > > lecture, Mr. Smartypants?" > > 8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their > > responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade > > book while muttering "tsk, tsk". > > 9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird". > >10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class > > whether your butt looks fat. > >11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo. > >12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. > > Giggle throughout it. > >13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention > > hotline number on the board. > >14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore > > all questions. > >15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's > > "Sex Machine." > >16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps > > would know" and move on before anyone can answer. > >17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local > > phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will > > be a quiz. > >18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead > > of you as you pace back and forth. > >19. Address students as "worm". > >20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a > > single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at > > any moment. > >21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, > > and begin singing spirituals. > >22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a > > waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch. > >23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's > > name, rank, and serial number. > >24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and > >announce > > that the lecture's over when the bottle's done. > >25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a > > question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song. > >26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for > > several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your > >sentence > > and proceed normally. > >27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone > > asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling > >motions > > with your hands. > >28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear. > >29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey". > >30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers > > and ask students to "sit back and groove". > >31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class > > projects. > >32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code > > all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements. > >33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers > > McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, > > walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?" > >34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles". > >35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base > >11 > > number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself > > in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who > > don't use it. > >36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular > > intervals. > >37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the > >teaching > > assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours. > >38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you > > lecture. > >39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside. > >40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" > >every > > ten minutes. > >41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake > > the funk". > >42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and > >deliver > > them in rapid-fire auctioneer style. > >43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral > > hygiene. > >44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be > > required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, > > Aardvark through Armenia, for next class. > >45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. > > Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book. > >46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie. > >47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams. > >48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class. > >49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to > > keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something > > about "that bug I picked up in the field". > >50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, > > "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!" > > > > ???Why did Kamakazie pilots wear helmets??? ------- End of Forwarded Message From adam Sat Apr 27 13:02:39 1996 To: berna, cindy, diane, jek9r@agate.cs.virginia.edu, john-t, khare@w3.org, kiniry, paolo, rajit, schooler Subject: Grad students, seniors, and freshmen. Sort of funny. Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon. Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon. Grad Students: Brag when they get sleep because they know that the rest of us haven't had any. Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut. Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend. Grad Students: Take the classes that their advisor *suggests* they take. Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class. Grad Students: Goes to "meet the speaker" presentation before seminar to meet the doughnut. Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor." Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob." Grad Students: Calls the professor "God" or "Satan." Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class. Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away. Grad Students: Never have anywhere to go since they're always in lab. Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade. Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade. Grad Students: Memorize professor's doctorial thesis to get a good grade. Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university. Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe... Grad Students: Know the 3 buildings on campus "owned" by their dept. Beyond that they're clueless. Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed. Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand. Grad Students: Shows up at evening exam with intravenous drip of coffee. Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are. Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation. Grad Students: Have group lab computer. Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere. Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street. Gard Students: Use any bus to get home. Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay. Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay. Grad Students: Worry about pre-lims, lit. seminar, thesis and how to avoid the real world longer. Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week. Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe. Grad Students: Photo-copy entire textbook ... hey, if you've got free photo-copying priveleges ... Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year. Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year. Grad STudents: Looks forward to research group drinking night (still don't leave group, even to drink). Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm. Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm. Grad Student: Is content with mediocrity. Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night. Senior: Calls Domino's every other night. Grad Student: Calls foreign country to fix broken equipment. Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer Grad Student: Is appalled that they don't get a dental plan. Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional questions. Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex... Grad Students: Assign homework. Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus. Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus. Grad Student: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom, or anyone willing to pay, anytime! Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society. Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room. Grad Student: Is excited about passing pre-lim, completing lit. seminar, finishing thesis and securing post-doc (to avoid real world for a lil' longer). Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class. Senior: Occasionally stays awake all class. Grad Student: Teaches class. From chudson@house.state.va.us Tue Jun 11 05:43:34 1996 Subject: Moral To: "Mark Bonney" , "Deb Brown" , "Brian Caton" , "Kirsten Ioos" , "Karen Jeffcoat" , "Becky Lankey" , "James Linsin" , "Adam Rifkin" , "Johnny Stevens" , "Jay Ziehl" X-Mailer: Mail*Link SMTP-QM 3.0.2 Content-Length: 3335 Mail*Link(r) SMTP Moral STORY WITH A MORAL (required reading for graduate students) Scene: It'a a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. Fox: "What are you working on?" Rabbit:"My thesis." Fox:"Hmm. What is it about?" Rabbit:"Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." (incredulous pause) Fox:"That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!" Rabbit:"Come with me and I'll show you!" They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit. Wolf:" What's that you are writing?" Rabbit:" I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves." (loud guffaws) Wolf:" you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?" Rabbit:" No problem. Do you want to see why?" The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing. Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing? Rabbit:" I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears." Bear: "Well that's absurd! Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you" As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion. Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS WHAT MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A THESIS ADVISOR. SECOND STORY: STORY WITH A MORAL (required reading for students and supervisors) Scene: It'a a fine sunny day in the forest, and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk. Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken" Lion:"Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you" Fox:"Hmm. But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your great claws will only destroy it even more" Lion:"Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed" (incredulous pause) Fox:"That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches" Lion:"Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed". The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun. Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken" Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you" (loud guffaws) Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you?. There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV" Lion:" No problem. Do you want to try it?" The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed. Scene: Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself. Moral: IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY AN ADVISOR IS FAMOUS LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS STUDENTS. From ernest@alumnae.caltech.edu Tue Dec 10 09:07:19 1996 Content-Type: text/plain Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 3.3 v118.2) X-Nextstep-Mailer: Mail 3.3 (Enhance 1.2) To: fork@xent.w3.org, lelandbrown@juno.com, Kent n Cynthia , Susan Melnik , Matt Carlson Subject: Speaking of Graduate School... Cc: David Stephenson , Ted Leung , Cathy Wilson Reply-To: ernest@alumni.caltech.edu X-Url: http://www.alumni.caltech.edu/~ernest/Home.htmld/index.html For the record, I found this to be extremely accurate, both in its portrayal of graduate student life and its rendition of scripture! Enjoy -- Ernie P. Parables for Modern Academia ---------------------------------- By Deborah and Loren Haarsma December, 1996 The kingdom of heaven is like a professor who went off on a long sabbatical. Before he left, he called together his graduate students and gave each of them projects to work on; to one he gave five projects, to another two, and to another one, each according to their ability. The one who received five projects immediately went to work, designing experiments, building equipment, and analyzing data. She worked long and hard, and eventually she achieved good results on each project. Likewise, the one who received two projects immediately went to work, and eventually got results as well. But the student who received one project was easily discouraged, got distracted by her coursework, and eventually gave up. After a very long time, the professor returned to settle accounts with his students. The first student said, "Professor, you gave me these projects to work on, and see, here are the results." And the professor answered, "Well done, good and faithful graduate student. You have been faithful over five projects. You shall be co-author on five publications and receive a Ph.D! (And you can expect a good letter of recommendation, too!)" Likewise the second student showed his results, and the professor said, "Well done, good and faithful student. You have been faithful over two projects. You will be co-author on two publications, and receive a Master's degree." But the third student came and said, "Professor, I know that you are a harsh man, publishing where you did not labor, and claiming credit where you did not contribute, and I was afraid. So I kept the lab locked up and I didn't let anyone borrow any equipment. See, everything is just the way you left it." Then the professor answered, "You wicked and slothful graduate student! I will judge you by your own words. So, you knew that I was a harsh man, publishing where I did not labor, and claiming credit where I did not contribute; well then, you should have at least gotten a teaching fellowship so that I wouldn't have had to pay your salary out of my research grants! Now depart from me and from this institution ... out into the REAL world, and try to find a job. There you will have weeping and gnashing of teeth." For to everyone who has, more will be given. But to him who has not, even what little he has will be taken away. (Matthew 25:14-30) ================================= The kingdom of heaven is like an original manuscript in a used book store. When a historian found it, she sold all her other books to buy the manuscript. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a scientist looking for new projects. When he found one theory of great promise, he joyfully gave up all his other projects to focus on it. (Matt 13:44-46) ================================= Suppose one of you wants to start a research project. Will he not first sit down and estimate if his grant is large enough to cover the cost of equipment, salaries, and overhead? For if his grant runs out halfway through, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, "This fellow began a project and was not able to finish." In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be Jesus' disciple. (Luke 14:28-29, 33) ================================= The dean was speaking at a faculty meeting. One of the professors stood up and asked, "What must I do to get tenure?" The dean replied, "What does the faculty manual say?" The professor answered, "Do good research, teach well, and mentor students." "You have answered correctly," the dean replied. "Do this and you will get tenure." But the professor wanted to justify himself, so he asked the dean, "What does it mean to mentor students?" In reply the dean said: "One term there was a student who was struggling in his courses. He went to talk about it to the professor of one of his classes, but the professor brushed him off with, "If you can't handle the work, you should drop the course." The student then went to his academic advisor, but she was on her way out the door to the airport and didn't have time to talk. A custodian overheard the conversation, and, seeing the discouragement of the student, invited him out for a cup of coffee. It turned out the student was dealing with the death of a family member, and the stress was affecting his personal life as much as his studies. The custodian walked him to the counseling center and arranged an appointment for him. He called the student several times in the next few weeks to see how things were going, and helped him think through whether to drop the courses or not. Now, which one of these was the true mentor to the student?" The professor replied, "The one who had mercy on him." The dean told him, "Go and do likewise." (Luke 10:25-37) ================================= When you are writing a paper about exciting new data, do not overstate the impact of your result. Someone else may come along later with better data and prove you wrong, and then you will be humiliated and your colleagues will not respect your work. But when you have an exciting new result, be modest about its implications. Then when the review paper comes out, it will say, "This is an important piece of work," and you will be honored in the presence of all your colleagues. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. (Luke 14:7-11) ================================= Obedience: There was a professor who had two grad students. She went to the first and said, "Take care of this project for me." "I will not," he answered, but later he changed his mind and did it. Then the advisor went to the other grad student and said the same thing. She answered, "I will do it," but she did not. Which of the two did what the advisor wanted? (Matt 21:28-31) ================================= Appropriate religious observance: No one runs untested code on a network server, for the code may crash and take down the server. Likewise, no one puts old format data files into new databases. The new database will be corrupted, and the data will be lost. No, you put new-format data into new databases. (Matt 9:14-17) ================================= Responses to the gospel: A researcher published an exciting new theory. Some readers didn't understand it, and quickly forgot it. Other readers were too busy with their own work to test the new theory. Others immediately went to work and got preliminary results, but the difficulties of performing the proper controls and testing for systematic errors discouraged them. Still others tested the theory and produced not only confirming data, but also new data and new theories to test. (Matt 13:3-8, 18-23) ================================= The kingdom of heaven is like a department chair checking on the progress of the graduate students. She came to a graduate student who was supposed to turn in his thesis that week, but had procrastinated and hadn't started to analyze data yet. The department chair reminded him that there was no more funding for him after this term. The grad student pleaded with her. "Be patient with me," he begged, "and I will finish the thesis by the deadline." The department chair took pity on him, and told him she would let him re-enroll and would find money somewhere for another term. But when the graduate student went out, he ran into one of the undergraduates in the course he was grading. He yelled at the student, "Where is your homework? It's a day late!" The undergraduate begged him, "Be patient with me, and I will turn it in tomorrow." But the grad student refused and said, "No. I'm giving you a zero and you're failing the course!" When the other students saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told the department chair everything that had happened. Then the chair called the graduate student in. "You wicked student," she said, "I forgave you for procrastinating on your thesis because you begged me. Shouldn't you have had mercy on the undergraduate just as I had on you?" In anger the chair expelled him from the department, to find a job until he could finish his thesis. This is how the heavenly Father will treat each of us unless we forgive our brothers from the heart. (Matt 18:23-35) ================================= In a certain department there was a chairman who neither feared God nor cared about students. There was a student in that department who kept coming to him with the plea, "Grant me justice in my petition." For some time he refused, but finally he said to himself, "Even though I don't fear God or care about students, yet because this student keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!" Listen to what the unjust department chair says. Will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you he will see that they get justice, and quickly. (Luke 18:2-8) ================================= The kingdom of heaven is like a student who left one research group to work in another. His former advisor was demanding and manipulative; she coerced the student to continue to work on her projects without pay, threatening not to acknowledge his work in the publication. The student's new advisor called a group meeting, but the student was too ashamed to come. He had no new results to report, for he had spent all his time on the old advisor's projects. When the professor asked where he was, the other students explained. The professor was frustrated and said, "This has been going on for months! He'll never be able to pull away on his own. Tell him that if he has any trouble with the other professor, I will handle it. I'm paying his salary and I want him to spend his time working for me." (based on a true story) ================================= There was a biology professor whose graduate student was accused of wasting time. So she called him in and asked him, "What is this I hear about you? Give an account of what you have done because you cannot be my student any longer." The student said to himself, "What shall I do now? My professor is taking away my funding. I don't have good enough work habits to get a real job, and I'm too proud to move back in with my parents. I know what I'll do so that, when I lose my job here, other research groups will hire me as a technician." So he called each of his professor's competitors. He asked the first, "How much of that gene have you cloned so far?" "Only about 40 percent," she replied. The student answered, "I'll tell you the parts that you're missing." Then he asked the second, "Have you decided what experiments you're going to do next?" "We're still deciding that," the second replied. The student answered, "I'll tell you what ideas we've discussed in our lab." The professor commended the dishonest student because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of light should be just as shrewd in doing good as the people of this world are in doing evil. (Luke 16:1-8, Matt 10:16) ================================= The grant proposals of a certain professor were all approved. She thought to herself, "What shall I do? My lab space isn't big enough for all these projects." Then she said, "This is what I'll do. I'll get brand new lab space and hire many new post-docs and graduate students. And I'll say to myself, 'You have tenure and many research projects which will produce papers for years to come. Take life easy; go to conferences and take sabbaticals.'" But God said to her, "You fool! This very night your life will be demanded of you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?" This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich towards God. (Luke 12:16-21) ================================= The kingdom of heaven is like an array of sensors left to monitor an experiment. When the experiment was over, the scientists downloaded the data. They saved the data from the good sensors for further analysis, and threw away the data from the bad sensors. This is how it will be at the end of the age. (Matt 13:47-50) ================================= Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a programmer who started many processes on her computer. While everyone was sleeping, a hacker broke in and started some counterfeit jobs, which began using some of the CPU time. The programmer's assistants said, "Didn't you start useful jobs on the computer? Where then did these counterfeits come from?" "A hacker did this, " she replied. The assistants asked her, "Do you want us to kill the jobs?" "No," she answered, "because while you are killing them, some good processes might be interrupted by accident. Let them all go to completion. Then we will purge every counterfeit process from the disk and memory, and save the results of every good process onto permanent tape." (Matt 13:24-30) ================================= The kingdom of heaven is like a professor who had many papers to grade. She asked her teaching assistants to start helping her early in the morning, and agreed to take them all out to dinner when the grading was finished. About mid-morning she realized she would need more help, so when she saw other graduate students standing in the hallway doing nothing, she asked them to help her, and agreed to reward them appropriately. Again at noon she found other graduate students eating lunch, and got them to help her, and again at mid-afternoon. About 5 p.m. she found still others and asked, "Why are you standing around doing nothing? Come and help me grade my papers." When they were finished grading, the professor took them all to a restaurant. When she paid for the dinners of those who had started work at 5 o'clock, those who started early in the morning expected to receive more. But when she only paid for their dinner too, they began to grumble, "These others who only worked one hour got just as much as we did, who slaved all day over those papers." But the professor answered, "I am not being unfair to you. You got what we agreed upon. I want to give the students who only graded one hour as much as I gave you. Don't I have that right? Or are you envious because I am generous?" So the last will be first and the first will be last. (Matt 20:1-16) ================================= The kingdom of heaven is like a college president who was hosting a banquet for an important donor. He sent announcements to all the important administrators and faculty, but they all began to make excuses. The first said, "I just received some new lab equipment, and I want to try it out, so I cannot come." Another said, "My book just got published, and I must make sure the bookstores and libraries have copies, so I cannot come." Still another said, "I'm on sabbatical, so I cannot come." When the RSVP's came back, the president was angry and told his assistant, "Go quickly into the classrooms, dorms, and offices and bring in the graduate students, undergraduates, and staff." "Sir," said the assistant, "what you ordered has been done, but the banquet hall still isn't full." Then the president said, "Go to other colleges down the road, and invite them to come! The banquet hall must be filled! I tell you, not one of those who were invited first will be let in the door." (Luke 14:16-24) ================================= How can a student, whom her professor put in charge of his research projects, be faithful and wise? It will be good if the professor finds the research assistant working hard when he returns; surely, he will give her an excellent recommendation. But suppose that research assistant is wicked and says to herself, "My professor is staying away a long time," and she begins to misuse the equipment and spend her time surfing the web. The professor will walk into the lab on a day she does not expect and at an hour when she is not aware. He will reprimand and humiliate the student and take away her funding; then there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Matt 24:45-51) ================================= At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten students waiting for a professor to return to his office. They needed his signature to add his course, and the forms were due early the next day. Five were wise and five were foolish. The wise ones brought something to eat while they waited, but the foolish ones did not. The professor was a long time in coming, and as they waited all afternoon, they got very hungry. The foolish ones said, "Give us some of your food." But the wise ones answered, "No, we only brought enough for ourselves, and there isn't enough to share. Go to the cafeteria and buy something." But while they were on their way to the cafeteria, the professor arrived. He signed the forms of those who were waiting, then locked his office and went home. Later that evening, the others telephoned him at home and said, "Sir! Sir! Come back and sign our forms." But he replied, "I tell you the truth, you are not my students." Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour. (Matt 25:1-13) ================================= Therefore, whoever hears these teachings and puts them into practice is like a wise scholar who built his theory upon data. The criticisms came down, the controversies rose, and the counter-arguments blew and beat against the theory, but it did not fall apart, because it had its foundation in data. But whoever hears these teachings and does not put them into practice is like a foolish scholar who built his theory upon conjecture. The criticisms came down, the controversies rose, and the counter-arguments blew and beat against the theory, and it failed spectacularly. (Matt 7:24-27) ======================================================================= ((Copyright reserved by Deborah and Loren Haarsma. May be freely distributed electronically in whole or in part, but please keep this notice attached and do not alter the text.)) From qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca Sat Apr 26 06:13:41 1997 To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list) Subject: Quote of the day X-Qotd-Incoming: 1328 "Many of the requirements of graduate education ...are "dragons." Dragons have no purpose except to be slain; that is, they are tests of motivation to prove how difficult it is to get knighthood (or the valuable doctorate) and, therefore, how valuable those people must be who already have it (the faculty)." - Mills (1953) cited by Karon, 1995 in "Becoming a first-rate professional psychologist despite graduate education." Submitted by: James Taylor u Jun. 22, 1996 -------------------------------------------------------------- Send quotation submissions to qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca Send list changes or requests to qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca << >Then Jesus took His disciples up on the mountain and gathered them around >Him. And He taught them, saying, "Blessed are the poor in spirit. Blessed >are the meek. Blessed are the merciful. Blessed are you who thirst for >justice. Blessed are you who are persecuted. Blessed are you who suffer. >When these things begin to happen, rejoice, for your reward will be great >in Heaven." > >And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?" >And Phillip said, "Will this be on the test?" >And John said, "Would you repeat that?" >And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples didn't have to learn any of >this stuff." >And Matthew said, "Huh?" >And Judas said, "What's this got to do with real life?" >Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, "I don't see any of >this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson plan? Is there a summary? >Where's the student guide? Will there be a follow-up assignment?" >Thomas, who had missed the sermon, came to Jesus privately and said, >"Did we do anything important today?" > >And Jesus wept. *** From: berna (Berna L Massingill) To: eric, paolo, rajit, zehra Cc: adam, john-t, schooler Subject: fellow thesis finishers (?) Date: Tue, 25 Mar 97 06:16:38 PST Hi -- Adam identifies you all as potential thesis finishers, so I thought I'd share with you the following quotation from an entertaining how-to-write-well book recommended by Adam. The book is called _BUGS in Writing_, and this quote is from the section on dissertations: Be prepared for thesis psychosis .... Thesis psychosis is a type of loss of nerve; it may take the form of writer's block (untreated, it can last for years), or it may manifest itself in various forms of bizarre behavior. When you write your dissertation and graduate, you move from being a student to being an expert scientist in the community. That transition can be terrifying. .... The combination of these factors alone is sufficient to cause most people to lose about a year to thesis psychosis, on the road to earning their degrees. If you know that the condition is normal -- that, even if you are raving mad, so are most people who are doing what you are doing -- then you are well equipped to ride out your bouts of depression or mania. There's a lot of other good stuff in the book too, but this bit in particular struck me as something to circulate! -- Berna From ps@zircon.cs.caltech.edu Sun Dec 6 22:18:47 1998 To: fun@cs.caltech.edu Subject: WHY WRITING A DISSERTATION IS HARDER THAN HAVING A BABY Content-Length: 998 1. Three months before your due date, your doctor doesn't say, "I want you to go back and re-do the first trimester's work." 2. Unlike advisors, you can switch doctors without starting over. 3. Conceiving a baby is WAY more fun than conceiving a topic. 4. You know exactly how long pregnancy takes. 5. Friends and relatives don't question the worth of a baby. 6. You don't need to explain repeatedly to friends and family what it takes to make a baby and why you're not through yet. 7. No one will make you get an advanced degree before having a baby. 8. Everyone will say your baby is cute and you'll believe them. 9. Babies don't require proper footnoting or adherence to a style manual. 10. You can freely borrow other people's stuff if you're having a baby; if you're writing a dissertation, that's called plagiarism. 11. No one will complain that your baby is too similar to another one. 12. No matter how much trouble, some people will gladly have more than one baby. From qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca Mon Feb 8 10:44:22 1999 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu (csvax.cs.caltech.edu [131.215.131.131]) by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (8.9.1/8.9.1) with ESMTP id KAA05997 for ; Mon, 8 Feb 1999 10:44:20 -0800 (PST) Received: from survey.ensu.ucalgary.ca (survey.ensu.ucalgary.ca [136.159.121.4]) by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (8.9.1/8.9.1) with SMTP id KAA25397 for ; Mon, 8 Feb 1999 10:44:16 -0800 (PST) Received: (from terry@localhost) by survey.ensu.ucalgary.ca (8.6.12/8.6.12) id JAA03744 for qotd-l; Mon, 8 Feb 1999 09:40:03 -0700 Date: Mon, 8 Feb 1999 09:40:03 -0700 Message-Id: <199902081640.JAA03744@survey.ensu.ucalgary.ca> From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day) To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list) Subject: Quote of the day X-Qotd-Incoming: 3239 X-Forwarded-by: "John P. Kole" Status: R "To my daughter Leonora without whose never-failing sympathy and encouragement this book would have been finished in half the time." - P.G. Wodehouse's dedication in "The Heart of a Goof" Submitted by: Keith Bostic Feb. 4, 1999 -------------------------------------------------------------- Send quotation submissions to qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca Send list changes or requests to qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca