From listproc@internex.net Sun Jul 9 17:27:14 1995 Reply-To: listproc@internex.net Sender: listproc@internex.net Subject: SUBSCRIBE DILBERT_LIST ADAM RIFKIN X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Boston University ListProcessor You have been added to list dilbert_list@internex.net. The system has recorded your address as adam at xent dot com and in order for your messages to get posted (if the list accepts postings), you will have to send them from this address, unless the list does not require subscription for posting. If a message is ever rejected, please contact the list's owner: scottadams Your initial password is 805335905. Please change it as soon as you can by issuing the following request to listproc@internex.net: SET DILBERT_LIST PASSWORD 805335905 new-password WARNING: Do not use your login password; you will be breaching security at your site. This system may accept Internet TCP/IP connections for processing of live requests, and the password will be used to give you subscriber privileges. For more information, send a 'help live' request to listproc@internex.net. For information on this service and how to use it, send the following request in the body of a mail message to listproc@internex.net: HELP All requests should be addressed to listproc@internex.net. Dilbert Newsletter 6.0 ---------------------- To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams Date: June 1995 Highlights: --------------------------------------------- - The Non-DNRC people get a name - Dilbert shirts popping up in stores - First Dilbert Personals Ad --------------------------------------------- DNRC Status Report ------------------ At the latest count, there are 40,000 brighter-than-average and increasingly attractive members of the DNRC, poised to take their place at Dogbert's side when he conquers the world and makes everybody else our slaves. Remember, there is power in numbers. And power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. So if you have an important date planned, bring us all with you. It can only help. DNRC Defense Update ------------------- In the first real threat to Dogbert's eventual world domination, a potato-worshipping cult has cropped up in the Northwestern United States, led by the charismatic Stacy, Goddess of Potatoes and self-proclaimed "Omnipotato." The Potato Cult has proclaimed a jihad (look it up) against the DNRC. We don't know much about their theology, but according to informants it can be summarized as "We like potatoes." Apparently there is some confusion in their ranks, due largely to the unfortunate coincidence that their arch nemesis Dogbert is shaped like a small potato. However, this is not likely to fool them for long. Although we must take this threat seriously, violence is never the solution, unless you can hire expensive lawyers and pay them with the proceeds of your book. Or you can make it look like an accident. Or if it's self-defense for something that somebody might do to you in the future. Or if it's for valid religious reasons. Or if somebody slips into a parking space that is rightfully yours and you figure the satisfaction would be worth the penalty. Or you have diplomatic immunity. Or the victims are people who stubbornly support an inefficient form of government. In those cases violence seems to be a sensible solution. But I don't recommend it in this situation. The potato people carry forks and they know how to use them. Several of their members have been accused of "a salt and buttering." (They got out on a peal.) I think our best course of action is to eat as many potatoes as possible this summer. The more you eat, the higher your status in the DNRC. This offer ends after August. 10 Points for each potato-equivalent you eat* 15 Bonus points for yelling "Death to the Potato People!" followed by a maniacal laugh while your mouth is full of grotesque potato carcasses. You must be in a restaurant when you do it. * Because I know you'll ask, let's say 20 french fries equal a potato. Or one large bag of chips. A Cartoonist's E-mail --------------------- Have you ever wondered why people write to a cartoonist? Here's a breakdown of the hundred or so messages I get per day: 30% Story ideas intended to embarrass a boss or co-worker 25% Unreasonable requests for favors 20% Unfavorable comparisons to Calvin and Hobbes 10% Admin stuff: book info, reprints, newsletter, etc. 08% Questions about Dilbert's tie, mouth or weight 05% Investigations into my "real" identity or work place 02% Lewd proposals (This category needs work!) 01% Criticisms of my math In the "unreasonable requests for favors" category, the winner for this month is Bill, who has repeatedly asked that I put every cartoon I've ever drawn in a ZIP file and send it to him by e-mail because he's my "biggest fan." An alarming number of readers are under the impression that I have become a government agency whose mission is to dole out small economic favors. Dogbert will be handling those requests from now on. Dogbert Answers My Mail ----------------------- In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to handle myself. Dear Scott: My friend Irv is a huge fan of the comic strip Dilbert. It would mean so much to him if you could write a personal message congratulating him on his 40th birthday. And please say something funny about golf. Susan Dear Susan: When Mr. Adams is not raising money for the poor or lobbying congress to preserve our environment he thrills in the challenge of reducing your personal expenses for greeting cards. While some cartoonists would consider your request a tacky imposition -- and I'm not naming names here (rhymes with Brudeau) -- Mr. Adams is thrilled that you cared enough about him to ask. Consider it done! Dogbert Dear Scott: I remember a series of cartoons you did a few years ago that mentioned the accounting department. Could you please e-mail copies to me? Arnold Dear Arnold: I'm glad somebody out there is smart enough to realize how uneconomical it is to buy Dilbert books when you could just send an e-mail directly to the author and get the few that you actually enjoyed for free. You are correct in your assumption that Mister Adams creates his comic strip as a labor of love with no thought of receiving remuneration for his work. In fact, I know he'd love to rummage around in his closet looking for the cartoons you requested, scan them and e-mail them to you. If you don't see them soon, your best bet is to contact the people who manage the Internet and ask where the file went. Dogbert Dear Scott: Like yourself, I'm a creative person too. I make stop-action videos using only lunch meat for characters. I would like to talk to you about forming a creative partnership. Give me your address and I'll send a copy of the video so you will be obligated to talk to me. What would be a good day to have lunch? Steven Dear Steven: Ordinarily, Mister Adams would gladly give out his home address to a stranger who makes lunch meat videos. He enjoys getting rumpled packages of unknown origin through the U.S. mail. However, he is currently involved in several joint ventures with other lunch meat video producers and what you're suggesting would be a conflict of interest. However, if you're interested in becoming a stalker, an application form is enclosed. Dogbert Family Circus Online -------------------- For those of you who missed it, Bil Keane, creator of Family Circus, held an online "chat" with fans on America Online. I was lucky enough to catch part of it and include the transcript below as a public service. ModestoGuy: "Bil, how old is little Billy?" ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, Bil can't see your question unless you hit the 'Interact with Host' button." ModestoGuy: "Well, then how old is Dollie?" ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, WE can see your question but Bil can't unless you press the 'Interact with Host' button. ModestoGuy: "Bil, why are you ignoring me?" ScottAdams: "ModestoGuy, he CAN'T SEE YOUR DAMN QUESTION!!!" ModestoGuy: "Okay, okay. You don't have to get nasty." ScottAdams: "Sorry. I don't know what came over me." ModestoGuy: "So, Bil, How old is Barfy?" Tech Support People Respond --------------------------- In an article I wrote for Windows Magazine (May 1995) I said some things that angered people who work in tech support. Many wrote to point out how difficult it is to work with idiot users like me. The best example from a reportedly true tech support incident went something like this: "I asked a user if he was running his program under Windows. He said "No. My desk is by the door -- but you know, you make a good point. Tony sits under a window and his program is working fine." Hold the Presses ---------------- According to news reports, Philip Morris has recalled billions of cigarettes because they are concerned that there is something unhealthy in them. (Insert your own joke here) Clarification ------------- All it takes to be a member of the DNRC is to add your name to the Dilbert Newsletter mailing list (see instructions at the end). And all it takes to have an official title is to give yourself one. Since these are self-designated titles, you should be thinking a bit bigger than the DNRC member who wrote this: "Please include me in the Dilbert newsletter. By the way, I shall be known as 'Manager of all dust found in computers'." Some people have suggested that the entry requirements for the DNRC are too low. But believe me, it's still challenging enough to keep a whole lot of people out. Which leads me to my next topic. Name the Non-DNRC People ------------------------ In the last newsletter I asked what we should call people who are not in the DNRC. The rules were that the name should sound harmless to them but we would recognize it as a clever insult. I didn't specify that the name had to be sophomoric, but most of you accurately surmised that I would rate those suggestions higher. Hundreds of suggestions poured in. And the winner is: *** In-duh-viduals *** As promised, sainthood has been bestowed on the winner, Saint Heather of Beantown. Usage: "You're quite an in-duh-vidual, Andy." Meaning: "Someday you will be cleaning the gunk behind my refrigerator, houseboy." Although "in-duh-viduals" is the preferred name, any of the honorable mention names can also be used (see below). After all, it's not as though the In-duh-viduals will catch on. Honorable mention: ------------------ "Stars" Because from our perspective, none of them are very bright and there are more of them than we really need -- G. Guglielmo "The Empowered Ones" Because only the truly gullible will regard that as a good thing -- R. Graziano "Team Players" Because that's a nice way to say "loser" -- T. Miller "Barren (of intelligence)" Pronounced "Baron" -- J. Strachan "Dildon't" No explanation needed -- J. Andrews "Mo" Short for Moron -- H. Elliott "Turdberts" Self explanatory -- S. Manousos "Wiz" Sounds like a bodily function -- J. Becker "Honey" Because honey is just bee-poop -- N. Daly "Hydrants" We could say "Hy" when we see them -- D. Walker "Sir" and "Miss" Sir is short for "servant" and Miss is short for "mistake" -- D. Schumacher "Biscuits" Harmless, almost cute, but essentially dog food -- M. Hirsh DNRC Enemies List ----------------- Many of you wrote to suggest friends and family members who should be added to the DNRC enemies list. But I think it's important that we only include people we can all agree on. So this is how the list stands: 1. Little Billy from Family Circus 2. Satan 3. Snuggles the fabric softener bear (new) 4. Stacy, Goddess of Potatoes (new) Many people wrote to suggest that Barney the purple dinosaur should be added to the enemies list. But that would seem redundant with item #2. Marcia Clarke's hair stylist has been removed from the enemies list. Soon after the Dilbert Newsletter mentioned Marcia's hair she abruptly changed stylists and emerged with a new DNRC-Approved look. This is likely to sway the jury in her favor and result in O.J.'s conviction by a jury of his peers; all of whom are Heismann Trophy winners if I'm not mistaken. Most Clever Suggestion ---------------------- In a recent storyline I had Dilbert and Wally trying to figure the best engineering work-around for the keyboards that were missing the letter Q. Gary Jensen, a man with too few things to think about, wrote with this solution: 1. Type the letters "KW" in place of "Q" 2. Run "spell check" and the computer will replace KW with Q Dilbert Personals Ad ------------------------- As most of you already know, computer-using people are the sexiest people alive. So it shouldn't surprise anybody that I get a lot of mail from women who are searching for their very own flesh and blood "Dilbert." As a public service I have agreed to run a personal ad in the newsletter for one lucky woman. This is a real ad. She set up a special e-mail account for this purpose: Dilbert is my dream man.... I have this thing for men with a really big hard drive (over 250 meg preferred) and exceptional memory. You should prefer actual to virtual reality. You're intelligent, kind, spiritual, strong, and loving and will be gentle with my heart. I am very spiritual (Buddhist), vegetarian, college professor and managment consultant, romantic, outspoken, big heart & deep soul. I'm intelligent and very well educated but can talk about cartoons and Elvis along with the best of them. Brown, naturally curly hair, Rubenesque (not hwp), hazel eyes that change shades with my moods, a smile that shines. I live a stone's throw from Microsoft. (The escaping brainwaves are making me dizzy.) Hurry and write before I pass out. Send replies to: WifeForYou@AOL.com [Note from Scott: I don't know what "hwp" means either, but if that's what you were looking for you're out of luck.] Dogbert and Dilbert Dolls ------------------------- Many of you noticed a stuffed Dogbert on my Web pages on the Internet and wrote to ask how to get one. We're working on prototypes for stuffed Dogbert and Dilbert "action figures" for later this year. I'll let you know when they're available. Sending Ideas for Dilbert ------------------------- Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you who took the time.) Remember, the best suggestions are theme ideas, not dialog or "gags." I'll do the humor part. I'm most inspired by true examples of idiotic management and clueless business practices. The best suggestions tend to be the ones that can be expressed in a paragraph or less. Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to conceal the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never disclose names. Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at scottadams@aol.com. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from receiving the newsletter, because I get about a thousand messages a day in that period. Thanks! ***************** General Dilbert Facts ******************* The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 450 papers in 15 countries. The author (that would be me) receives about 100 e-mail messages per day. I read all of my e-mail personally. If you get a canned response, or no response at all, it just means my fingers are tired or I need to get some sleep. I love you, really. Nobody else reads my mail. I don't have an assistant. Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at Crocker Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from 1986 to (any day now), mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an engineer by education; I did the MBA thing. I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school. The person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We were not childhood friends. Dilbert is not gaining weight. There is no particular reason that neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious mouths. The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up like that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to control his environment or B) He's just glad to see you. The boss character has no name. I like it that way. Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert --------------------------------------------------- The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use +1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to use the strip or the characters. Dilbert Books ------------- "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (new material about working at a big company), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8) "Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the first year), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1758-6) "Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's new material on the subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3) "Shave the Whales" (a compilation of the second year of Dilbert), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3) "Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" (a compilation covering 10/5/90 through 5/18/91.), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1779-9) Check with any bookstore. If that fails, call the publisher directly at 800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International callers use +1-816-932-6700) Dilbert Business Videos: ------------------------ Two New Videos: "Talk About Change!": A 15 minute training video featuring an expert on change, interspersed with animated Dilbert clips. The video comes with a Leader's Guide, Workbooks and 10 overhead transparencies. "Dilbert Gets Reengineered": A 5 minute look at what people really think about change. Cohen/Gebler Associates has created a set of short animated Dilbert business videos for meetings, workshops and presentations. The videos are based closely on themes from the strip. They're used primarily as ice breakers. Six titles are currently available: - Dilbert on Quality - Dilbert on Managing Change - Dilbert Does Sales - Dilbert Does Meetings - Just the Breaks #1 (Mingling Groups) - Just the Breaks #2 (110%). Prices start at $99. Call 1-800-208-3535 for more information. (International callers use +1-617-262-4242) Dilbert T-Shirts Sweatshirts from Signals: ----------------------------------------- Call Signals Catalog at 800-663-9994. Design: "Technology -- No Place for Wimps" T-Shirt: Item # 42080 Sweat Shirt: Item # 42079 (Dilbert mug will be available later this summer) Dilbert Shirts from Quality Classics: ------------------------------------- Dilbert T-shirts and sweat shirts from Quality Classics are popping up in retail stores around the United States. There are eighteen designs, but individual stores will carry different subsets. Dilbert Screen Savers --------------------- The Dilbert Screen Saver (Windows or Mac) is available at major retail stores and mail order. If you have any questions or want to order direct from Delrina, feel free to call them at 1-800-315-5848. Online Dilbert Sources ---------------------- - America Online (older daily strips) (Keyword: Dilbert) - World Wide Web (NEW!!!) http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert If you're a company interested in advertising on the Dilbert web pages, send e-mail to webmaster@unitedmedia.com (put "Web ad" in the subject line) or call 800-221-4816 (international callers dial +1-212-293-8500). (50 DNRC status points if you get somebody to put a link to the Dilbert web page from another web site) About the Dilbert List ---------------------- It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the cost of your own e-mail. I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my personal one. Don't "reply" to the newsletter address please. The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel like it" which should be about three or four times a year. How to Subscribe Automatically ------------------------------ You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail with the address, subject and message shown: Address: listproc@internex.net Subject: Dilbert Message: subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow (except put your real name instead of Joe Blow). Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not specify it. The only thing you customize is your first and last name. Unsubscribing ------------- If you want to take your name off the list automatically, send an e-mail to listproc@internex.net but include only these words in the body of the message: unsubscribe Dilbert_List Put only the word "Dilbert" in the subject line. Getting Old Newsletters ----------------------- You can get back issues of the Dilbert Newsletter automatically by sending an e-mail with this precise form: Address: listproc@internex.net Message: get dilbert_list newsletter_1.0 You can use that command form for newletters 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, 4.0 and 5.0, sending a different message for each. They might arrive out of order or take a day or two. But the best way is to visit the Dilbert web site if you have a web browser. See above. Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter -------------------------------------- If you tried unsuccessfully to subscribe to the newsletter just send e-mail to me and I'll sign you up manually. My personal address is still scottadams@aol.com If you try to change your password (which you don't need to do, since only I can post to the list anyway) and you get a strange message saying you're not on the list, ignore it. It's a "feature." Reprinting This Newsletter -------------------------- Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of good netiquette. Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com