In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing. On the first day, He toggled the 0 to a 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.) On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reconstructing the universe. On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored. On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security. On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful new features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good. On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday. On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced [name of buggy component deleted to keep lawyers happy] into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since. - - - - - - - - EXPANDED "COMPUTER BUZZWORD" GENERATOR The microcomputer revolution has created new words that are as incomprehensible as they are sophisticated. We have recently updated a technique developed in the 1960's called the "Instant Buzzword Generator" to help you master this obscure jargon. With it you can create an almost endless variety of intelligent-sounding technical terms. INSTRUCTIONS: Simply select a number from each of the three columns below and combine the words into your own computer buzzword phrases. For example, select "10," "16," and "5" and you generate "Ergonomic Transitional Capability" an expression bound to command instant respect...and confusion! EXPANDED "COMPUTER BUZZWORD" GENERATOR 1. Integrated 1. Digital 1. Language 2. Synchronous 2. Logical 2. Compatability 3. Sectored 3. Memory 3. Management 4. On-line 4. Random 4. Options 5. Batched 5. Default 5. Capability 6. Relational 6. Third-Generation 6. Network 7. Dynamic 7. Incremental 7. Parameters 8. Parallel 8. Interpretive 8. Self-test 9. Responsive 9. Floppy 9. Matrix 10. Ergonomic 10. De-bugged 10. Hardware 11. Alphanumeric 11. Password 11. Device 12. Optical 12. Protocol 12. Refresh 13. Functional 13. Run-time 13. Compiler 14. Formatted 14. Analog 14. Controller 15. Mnemonic 15. Pixel 15. Flexability 16. Acknowledged 16. Transitional 16. Contingency 17. User-friendly 17. Intelligent 17. Duplex 18. Addressable 18. Virtual 18. Eprom 19. Enhanced 19. Buffered 19. Subroutine 20. Monitored 20. Vertical 20. Access - - - - - - - - Just released: nsh: NutSHell, the smallest UnixTM shell yet. Version 1.0 (the only one released so far) includes only 'cd' and 'echo '. GNUnsh, to be released later this year, is expected to be much more powerful, with built-in Bourne, Korn and C shell emulators. The executable is expected to go from 306 bytes to 7Mb with this release, however. X-rated Windows: X-rated windowing package. Includes obscenely-shaped windows, salacious prompts, erotic background patterns, and mouse cursors shaped like genitalia. Perfect for the window user with a twelve-year-old's mind. Warning: susceptible to viruses. Microsoft Walls: Even less multiprocessing capabilities than windows. - - - - - - - - PLEASE YOU WILL PARDON ME BECAUSE I AM A NEW USER AND THIS IS MY FIRST POST. FROM WHAT I HAVE READ IN THIS BBS IF YOU USE ADA YOUR PROGRAMS WILL NOT HAVE ANY BUGS. I THINK THAT WOULD BE A VERY GOOD THING. I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD USE ADA SO THEIR WILL NOT BE ANY MORE BUGS. PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO GET ADA FOR MY RADIO SHACK COLOR COMPUTER (I USED IT AS A TERMINAL TO TYPE THIS IN). - - - - - - - - DEC measures benchmarks with a calender. - - - - - - - - program \'pro-.gram\ 1. n - A sequence of statements which cause a computer to display error messages. 2. v - An activity similar to banging ones head against the wall, but with less chance for reward. - - - - - - - - This morning, one of our users told me of something he had read about businesses and UNIX. It appears that many businesses are buying UNIX rather than VMS (thereby annoying DEC) because of its simplicity in generating reports and other day-to-day business applications. He was wondering if we could get this wonderfully simple UNIX, to replace the complicated and confusing UNIX we currently have. - - - - - - - - Theorem: A cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. - - - - - - - - NEWEST DEC OPCODES BBI Branch on Burned-out Indicator BRH Branch & Hang BPO Branch on Power Off ING Inquire & Ignore RPB Reverse Parity and Branch BRB Branch on Beaver RWT Read/Write While Stretching Tape DOV Divide and Overflow SRZ Subtract & Reset to Zero ARZ Add and Reset to Zero SSW Scramble Status Word PIC Print Invalid Character RCS Read Card & Scramble Data SSJ Select Stacker & Jam SSD Stacker Select Disk FSR Form Skip and Runaway RCR Rewind Card Reader WWR Write Wrong Record EJD Eject Disk RWD Rewind Disk BSD Backspace Disk PCD Punch Disk EIO Execute Invalid Opcode FCJ Feed Card and Jam EXO Execute Operator TRD Transfer and Drop Bit ECP Erase Card Punch RIG Read Inter-Record Gap RNR Read Noise Record ERS Erase Read-Only Storage DMP Destroy Memory Protect Key UER Update and Erase Record MLR Move and Lose Record MWC Move and Wrap Core DIA Develop Ineffective Address HCF Halt and Catch Fire SCP Scatter Printer RTP Reduce Throughput PBC Print and Break Chain LRB Lose Record and Branch JLP Jump and Lose Pointer RST Rewind and Stretch Tape RDI Rewind Disk Immediate JLR Jump and Lose Return BRL Branch and Leak UCB Uncouple Comm Lines & Branch SWT Select Wrong Terminal SSM Stacker Select Memory EXP Execute Programmer EXE Execute Engineer DIH Disable Interrupts and Hang RWC Rewind and Crash Heads VMA Violate Maintenance Agreement VFE Violate Field Engineer VFO Violate Female Operator DIF Disable Fuses DFA Disable Fans BRO Branch and Overheat EAL Enable AC to Logic Rack MMF Melt Main Frame EAO Enable AC to Operator ENG Enable Gravity DIG Disable Gravity LUM Lubricate Memory ESP Enable Sprinkler System BSI Back Up Sewer Immediate JOB Jump-on Beaver SSP Seek Spindle NCW Notch Carriage and Way ENA Enable Anything DIE Disable Everything LTS Loop Till Smokes AAR Alter At Random AIB Attack Innocent Bystanders CMD Compare Meaningless Data DDC Dally During Calculations ENF Emit Noxious Fumes FLI Flash Lights Impressively ISC Insert Sarcastic Comments LAP Laugh at Programmer PEHC Punch Extra Holes In Cards SAI Skip All Instructions WNAM We Need A Miracle RPM Read Programmer's Mind by Jeff Pesis TRW - Systems Engineering Research Facility Jeff@malibu.sedd.trw.com ------------------------------------------- SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! PUSH UP, POP DOWN, BYTE! BYTE! BYTE!! :-) ------------------------------------------- - - - - - - - - One day this computer scientist died and went to the gates of heaven. Saint Peter said "you can stay in heaven or hell. Spend a few minutes in each and let me know where you want to go." So the man went in heaven and saw it was quiet and peaceful. But he thought it was boring, so he went to hell for a few minutes. There, in hell, were big parties and beatiful women running around. So, the man told Saint Peter "Hell looks alot more fun, I choose hell." The man goes back to hell and when he gets there it's really hot and smells bad and people are screaming and yelling. So he goes to the devil and says "what happened? when I first saw hell it looked great with parties and pretty woman!" The devil said.... "Oh, that was our demo." - - - - - - - - What do you call 100 idiots singing, drinking diet soda, and using a Macintosh(tm) ? The Moron Tab and Apple Choir - - - - - - - - The following glossary is of general computing terminology. BASIC A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. BUG An aspect of a computer program which exists because the PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. C A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. CALTRANS A programming language related to FORTRAN. Also, an inside joke for Californians. COMMENT A superfluous element of a source program included to the programmer can remember what the hell he was doing six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't. COMPUTER An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. CRASH A sudden, unexpected cessation of activity by the computer, accompanied by a sudden, unexpected increase in activity by the system administrator. Caused by someone running their huge, unimportant program just as your small, critical program is about to finish. ENGINEER A human (?) entity who is responsible for all the problems of PROGRAMMERS. FORTRAN A mature (see MATURE) programming language whose name means FOR TRANsmogrification (of the desired functionality). GOTO A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. INFINITE LOOP See LOOP JUMP See GOTO KERNEL A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art. LOOP See INFINITE LOOP MANUAL A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. MATURE Adjective used to describe anything that nobody uses anymore. MEMORY A component of a computer that holds data. Sometimes it doesn't. Amount present in a given system is calculated in a manner similar to REGISTERS (see). PROGRAMMER See definition of ENGINEER; replace all occurrences of PROGRAMMER with ENGINEER. Alternative definition: A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematic accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. REGISTER A part of a computer's processor that holds information for a while. Number of registers in a given system is N-3 where N is the number needed to efficiently implement a function. RS-232 An interface standard (what's that word you just said?) between computers, modems and stuff. Notable characteristics a universal uncertainty about switching pins 2 and 3. Uses bipolar signals; was probably designed by the CEO of a power supply manufacturer. Has signals nobody ever uses except the peripheral you just bought. STACK A memory space used to entertain the programmers and management by overflowing or being subjected to mismatched PUSH/POPs. SUBROUTINE A unit of software that makes tangled code look like it isn't. Opposite of GOTO (sort of). Useful for overflowing STACKs. SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR: A person whose job it is to do everything that isn't his job. - - - - - - - - Q: Why do computer experts celebrate Halloween at Christmas? A: Because OCT31 = DEC25. Q: What do the ghosts of dead programmers do on Halloween? A: They write in booooolean. - - - - - - - - From: toad@cellar.UUCP Subject: Unix support hotline, may I help you? The following is original, but it's by our entire organization (which, for safety's sake, must remain anonymous). I work at the support hotline for a large company that sells Unix systems. Customer calls are first handled by a group of receptionists, who determine the general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it on a queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call, so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is within their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not generally familiar with Unix. Sometimes the receptionist mangles Unix in a funny way. "Previous shelves have been filled. Processes are dangling." "Trying to get a back door booth" "Problem with supper block" "Questions on the fuzzy disk controller" "Problem with the getty desk" Spelling errors can happen. "Question on COBOL air conditions" "Problem with defunk processor" "Mothly backup roots petition needs to verify" Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this: "System running in two time zones" "Error log file that self purges" "The program keeps changing" "Terminal is screaming" There is some hardware we just don't support. "Getting rat errors" "Part number for prompt chip" "Put in new version of VCR has a couple of questions" This is clearly NOT a software problem. "Terminal burning up -- smelling smoke" Maybe the machine would be happier in another room. "Problems w/equiptment attached to Unix through short hall" Users may get a little fed up. "The light is flashing" "Getting error message that says enough already" "Can something be done. If so, how?" Maybe our software is just too boring. "Trying to run with terminal cannot get into software" This one came up just before war broke out in the gulf. "Colonel destroyed" Sometimes, you just have to wonder... "Users are getting bumped off and hanging up" ... What presence of mind, replacing the handset just as they die. "Printer not talking properly" ... Start it on the simple words: see Spot run... "Problem with PC going into the Unix box" ... Tell that PC to STAY PUT! "How much swab space?" ... Check the QTIP parameter, or blow your nose before calling us. "Command responds too rapidly" ... Maybe you can downgrade to a slower CPU. "Would like to kill a certain group of users" ... Yeah, well, wouldn't we all. "Syster is hung for the last 2 days" ... Sounds like a personal problem! Finally, this one is just too theoretical. "How can she enter data into a hard coated field?" - - - - - - - - Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." - - - - - - - - THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- FIFTH FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #19 -- C- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL. - - - - - - - - I found the following scribbled in a reference manual I inherited, I have a marvelous O(n**4) algorithm for the Travelling Salesman problem, but the margin of this manual is too small to write it. What should I do? -- Her somber eyes consider all ||/+\==/+\|| Steven Ryan that loom and tower, large and tall.||\=/++\=/|| ...!uunet!ingr!apd!smryan Her everyday is always new ||/=\++/=\||...!{apple|pyramid}!garth!smryan and fills her eyes of frail blue. ||\+/==\+/|| 2400 Geng Road, Palo Alto, CA - - - - - - - - In article <155593@felix.UUCP> merle@felix.UUCP (Linda Merle) writes: >How about Funny Program Names. Have you ever used any programs whose names >amusing, embarassing, or perhaps too descriptive? Here's a practical joke that was played on a fellow Fidonetter a few days ago: C:\COMMS> pkunzip trouser.zip PKUNZIP (R) FAST! Extract Utility Version 1.1 03-15-90 Copr. 1989-1990 PKWARE Inc. All Rights Reserved. PKUNZIP/h for help PKUNZIP Reg. U.S. Pat. and Tm. Off. Searching ZIP: TROUSER.ZIP Exploding: ZIPPER Extracting: DICK C:\COMMS> (I just recreated the .zip to get the screen dump. Zipper can be anything, dick has to be short (eg echo > dick) so that it is stored rather than compressed. Have fun!) Charlie "The Bear" Lear | clear@cavebbs.gen.nz | Kawasaki Z750GT DoD#0221 The Cave MegaBBS +64 4 643429 V32 | PO Box 2009, Wellington, New Zealand - - - - - - - - WAYS TO PICK OUT A SCIENCE GEEK 1) they stand in the rain watching it drip in front of lights and say, "Oh, wow, look at the acceleration." 2) they get scared walking into the theatre library. 3) they say, "Oh, good, we don't have any plans Friday. we can work on astronomy all day." 4) they have pizza delivered to the science building (Make that 'signs building' not everyone is a science geek.) 5) their idea of rebellion is to draw astronomical symbols upside down on the blackboard. 6) they refer to printed documents (i.e. papers) as 'hardcopies'. 7) they find enlightenment and artistic inspiration in technical documents. for example, "blocked by baffles" 8) they wear resistors as earrings and got really excited when they saw some electrical switches at the store today - they were just the right size! (For non-science people a resistor is a small cylindrical electronic device.) 9) they are absolutely baffled when trying to measure a drafted line in , what... inches?!? 10) they type out their dream dialogues as they sleep. (Ok, maybe this is just weird behavior.) 11) they sit centimeters (not inches) apart at a desk with two computers and talk to each other electronically rather than turn sideways. 12) they sit at the console and type dumb lists about geeks just so that our fingers can be happy typing. 13) they refer to our friends as 'sosmer', 'agonnella', 'candrulis', and 'FAX0112' rather than sam, anne, cathy and bob. 14) they talk about velocity, not speed. 15) they see a slinky and think of simple harmonic motion. 16) they use insults like: -you are three sigma from the mean. -you symbolic stack dump -go suck a photon 17) they can integrate complex functions, but use a calculator for simple math. 18) they say that they will be there at '3 pm +/- 15 minutes'. 19) they realize that if you drive fast enough toward a red light it will actually be green. 20) they think of writing letters by hand as 'the analog method'. 21) they know that joules are units of energy, not precious gems. - - - - - - - - During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told the following story: "When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife wife didn't trust him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their things, she said: - Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a taxi. She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called for a taxi. Says Mr Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye): - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine. - No, they're TEN! - No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..." Kai-Mikael, Royal Inst. of Technology, Stockholm, SWEDEN - - - - - - - - From psw@richard.mitre.org Tue Apr 16 13:57:00 1991 Subject: why software gets no respect > From fkuhl@maestro.mitre.org Tue Apr 16 12:48:05 1991 > From: fkuhl@maestro.mitre.org (F. S. Kuhl) > To: BZIMMERM@mitre.org, MJENNY@mitre.org, RCUNNING@mitre.org, > RTARAKAN@mitre.org, gfr@maestro.mitre.org, rbenel@mitre.org > Subject: why software gets no respect > Cc: anne@maestro.mitre.org, cdahlke@maestro.mitre.org, chadwick@mitre.org, > psw@richard.MITRE.ORG > > My wife calls me this afternoon to ask if the lawn mower will > start (first time this season). > > I say, "I can't think why not, if you put gas in it." > > "So it's worth my hauling it out today." > > "I think so, but I haven't tested it. You know, no warranties express > or implied..." > > "I wasn't EXPECTING any. You're in the software business." > - - - - - - - - From: miley@dev1h.mdcbbs.com (DAN MILEY) (Borrowed from an overhead slide used by a major workstation manufacturer) THE SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT PROCESS 1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team 2) Announce availability 3) Write the code 4) Write the manual 5) Hire a Product Manager 6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications) 7) Ship 8) Test (the customers are a big help here) 9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements 10) Announce the upgrade program - - - - - - - - From: busch@handel.CS.ColoState.Edu (michael busch) natarsu@mse.ogi.edu (Natarajan Sukumar) writes: >"Logical "(?) reason to avoid studying.......... > > The more you study , > The more you know(hopefully), > The more you know, > The more you forget, > The more you forget, > The less you know. > So WHY STUDY ? > seen in a campus newspaper, in a local comic strip (from memory): Effective studying 1. Review old tests 2. Go over past mistakes 3. Seek help from the professor 4. Hire a tutor if necessary . . . 8. If all else fails, try repeating this phrase,"Would you like curly fries with your order?" - - - - - - - - Here are some that I found in reading the string-pool from Knuth's TeX: [Note that I included these from the actual file, so the one with 'can fix can fix' below is what's actually there!] (That makes 100 errors; please try again.) You can now delete more, or insert, or whatever. Sorry, I don't know how to help in this situation. Maybe you should try asking a human? Sorry, I already gave what help I could... An error might have occurred before I noticed any problems. ``If all else fails, read the instructions.'' This can't happen. I'm broken. Please show this to someone who can fix can fix I can't go on meeting you like this. One of your faux pas seems to have wounded me deeply... in fact, I'm barely conscious. Please fix it and try again. Interruption You rang? IMPOSSIBLE. NONEXISTENT. ETC. BAD. A funny symbol that I can't read has just been input. Continue, and I'll forget that it ever happened. I suspect you've forgotten a `}', causing me to apply this control sequence to too much text. How can we recover? My plan is to forget the whole thing and hope for the best. I dddon't go any higher than filll. Dimensions can be in units of em, ex, in, pt, pc, cm, mm, dd, cc, bp, or sp; but yours is a new one! I'll assume that you meant to say pt, for printer's points. The early versions of TeX had this classic, which I believe the people at Stanford even had printed on T-shirts: You can't do that in horizontal mode. - - - - - - - - >From _WEEKLY WORLK NEWS_ 6/18/91 (on newsstands 6/3/91) page 29: "MAN CATCHES COMPUTER VIRUS!" by Michael Todd, special correspondent. John Stevens has a lot in common with his home computer: Both think logically, both like numbers and both are sick with a virus - the same virus! Stevens, a computer programmer who works out of his home in a Philadelphia suburb, is convinced his lingering and debilitating illnessis something he got from his sick computer. And the victims's doctor agrees. [rest of article not posted] By the way, the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS can be found in major supermarkets near the National Enquierer, the SUN, and similar tabloid newspapers. - - - - - - - - Von Neumann and Nobert Weiner were both the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget." - - - - - - - - Eight women are in a room. Just one of them is pregnant, and she is eight months into her pregnancy. Statistical analysis: on the average, each woman is one month pregnant. A recent survey indicated that 54% of the population is interested in statistics. Another survey proved that 51% of the population are in the majority. A statistician goes hunting in the woods, and soon sees a deer. He fires his gun and misses to the left by one foot. He quickly reloads and fires again, missing by one foot to the right. "Hurrah!" He shouts, "I hit it!" A statistician is defined as someone who, with his feet in a bucket of ice water and his head in a steam cabinet, will say "On average, I feel fine!" A recent survey found that 56% of all surveys were bogus. A recent statistical study has shown that the average American has one testicle and one breast. It has been proven that olives are a major killer of humans. Statistics have shown that 100% of humans that ate an olive in the year 1375 are dead. - - - - - - - - I once had a statistics class where I gave a mid-term consisting entirely of multiple choice questions (for easy marking). As the test proceeded, I noticed that one student kept flipping a coin and then making a choice on his paper. I walked over to him (as he was at the back of the room), and enquired as to what he thought he was doing. "Well sir", he replied "To be honest, I did not get a chance to study for this test and so I am flipping a coin. If it is heads, I mark TRUE, if it is tails, I mark FALSE". "What about the multiple choice questions" I asked. "Oh, for those I flip twice. Two tails is A, Two heads is B, heads then tails is C and tails then heads is D!" I decided that since he was at the back of the room and not disturbing anyone, he could do whatever he pleased, no matter how silly it seemed. As the time progressed students began completing the test, handing in their papers and leaving. The student at the back kept flipping his coin. More students left; still the flipping went on. Finally, this student was the only one left, flipping his coin. I went over to him and asked "What are you still doing here? I would assume that with your method you would have been finished a long time ago". "I was" he said "Now I'm checking my answers"! - - - - - - - - This play concerns 1 engineer and 5 non-engineers (Marketing, Management etc.) It is an extended analogy, and speculates on the interaction if the goal were nothing as hard to understand as software development, but something much simpler. It is intended to put the problems in the software industry into a more realistic perspective than the usual attempts to solve them do. Engineer: So I understand that the task is to transport 12 people from their current location to the house of John Smith. Non-engineer1: That's right. What do you need to do this? Engineer: Well, that depends on where John Smith's house is and on where the 12 people are. Non-engineer1: The 12 people are at headquarters in Cambridge Massachusetts. Non-engineer2: The location of John Smith's house is a technical question. Potential changes in the market imply we should not narrow ourselves to an answer to that just now. Propose a solution that will work for all possible locations, Engineer: But that makes it an almost impossible problem. Non-engineer1: Now to return to the question of what you need... Engineer: What I need depends on the location of John Smith's house. Non-engineer3: Oh, John Smith's house is in Springfield, I'm sure of it. Engineer: Is that Springfield Massachusetts? or Springfield Illinois? Non-engineer3: What difference does it make? Springfield is Springfield! Non-engineer4: Well actually, he said he lived in Boston. Non-engineer3: Boston? No I am SURE he said Springfield. Non-engineer1: Is it possible that he meant the Boston-area? Non-engineer2: And we want the transportation to be handicapped accessible. Non-engineer4: Well, not in the first release. Non-engineer3: Right, leave that as a future improvement. Engineer: I'm going to make the simplifying assumption that the John Smith whose house is the destination lives in the city of Springfield that is closest to Boston, thus arguably in the Boston-area, thus that John Smith lives in Springfield Massachusetts, and that the transportation need not be handicapped accessible. Okay? Non-engineer4: Are you sure it was not James Jones whose house was the destination? Non-engineer1: No, we all agree it's John Smith. Engineer: So, SUBJECT to my simplifying assumption, I will need a transportation vehicle that seats at least 12 people. Non-engineer2: 12 people? That's non-standard! That'll takes us a while. Non-engineer1: It fits in the "buying externally visible things" budget. We can manage it. Engineer: I'll also need a map of Massachusetts. Non-engineer1: That is an "paper things" expense, and we have frozen all "paper things" expenses. I'm afraid you'll have to do without that. Engineer: I guess I can make do. Non-engineer: We'll let you know in a week. (3 weeks later) NE1: Here is your transportation vehicle. We have EXCEEDED your standards! Eng; Exceeded? Oh really? N1: Yes. Here is a transportation vehicle that seats MORE than 12 people! It seats 40 people! A 1968 bluebird schoolbus. Eng: Oh, a nonstandard bus, huh, I can work with that. NE1: How long until you can propose a solution? Eng: Give me a day to look over the bus. (1 day later) Eng: We have a problem. This bus has no engine. NE1: No engine? Well, you didn't specify that the vehicle have an engine. Eng: If it does not have an engine then it will not serve as a transportation vehicle. NE1: Well do the best you can. Eng: Well I cannot very well transport people in a vehicle without an engine. NE4: Could you push it? Eng: Can we BUY a second-hand engine? NE2: No, our "buying slightly expensive second-hand things" budget is used up. Eng: Can we buy it using the same money as we bought the bus with? NE1: No, an engine is not externally visible, but our "buying little things" budget still has money. Can we buy all the pieces of an engine and assemble it? Eng: Who's "we"? I cannot assemble an engine myself. If you have money for little things, let's buy a map. Can't you get me a roadworthy transportation vehicle somehow? It would be the easiest solution. NE1: No map. Too expensive. NE2: Well, if we can find a vehicle the meets the company's standards... If you are actually going to drive in it on public roads, it has to be safe enough. NE3: Well, maybe our "Replace old things with better things" budget has money. NE2: That is possible. NE1: Well, look into it. NE2: I shall. (6 weeks later) NE2: We HAVE a roadworthy vehicle for you. A 1974 VW Bug. Eng: But that does not seat 12 people. NE2: So make two trips. Eng: Three trips. NE2: Look, the details are YOUR problem. NE1: Did you solve the "map issue"? Eng: Yes, I borrowed a map from my old college room-mate. NE2: So it did not impact your delivery schedule. Eng: Delivery schedule? no. Possibly quality. You see, the map is in French and out of date, and is written for bicyclers, so my information is less reliable and it took me more time to read it. NE1: When can we expect delivery. Eng: How about tomorrow. (next day) Eng: Okay, where are the 12 people? NE2: Well, we needed the possibility of transporting 12 people, but there actually aren't 12 people here. Only 4 of us need to go. Eng: So that was not a real requirement. NE2: Of course it was a requirement. See it in this document? (pulls a document from an 18-inch (45 cm) high stack of papers). NE4: Shall we leave now? Eng: Yes, let's leave. NE1: How are we going to fit my wheelchair in a VW Bug? Eng: You said we didn't NEED handicapped accessible for this release. NE1: Handicapped accessible, no, but I WANT to roll into the car in my wheelchair. Eng: Into a VW Bug? How do you expect me to arrange that? No, handicapped accessible is in a later release. And rolling your wheelchair into the vehicle is part of that. (They fold and ties the wheelchair to the roof, get in the car and by an especially circuitous route because the car does not fit down some bicycling paths, arrive at the destination) Eng: Here we are, John Smith's house. NE4: Is this James Jones's house in Illinois? Eng: No, this is John Smith's house in Springfield, Massachusetts. NE4: But I thought... Eng: Did you read the documents? NE4: No, of course not. (a day later) NE1: We have to do something about our methodology. NE2: Yes, the delivery too much too long, and did not meet requirements. NE4: Engineers are not productive enough. NE3: The next time we want to do a transportation project we should make the engineer report his progress twice a day instead of daily. NE1: Yes, that should improve matters. - - - - - - - - "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies." -- C. A. R. Hoare *** We have a program that periodically forks a child process to parse and evaluate some data. After the evaluation is done, the parent process moves the results to a history directory. Well, that is how it is supposed to work. But a programming bug was causing the child process to crash as soon as it started up. After much head-scratching, one of the programmers said, "I know what's wrong. The parent can't create the child because it's had a hist-directory!" *** *** The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get results. The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results. The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results. *** In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing. On the first day, He toggled the 0 to a 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.) On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reconstructing the universe. On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored. On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security. On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful new features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good. On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday. On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced [name of buggy component deleted to keep lawyers happy] into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since. - - - - - - - - EXPANDED "COMPUTER BUZZWORD" GENERATOR The microcomputer revolution has created new words that are as incomprehensible as they are sophisticated. We have recently updated a technique developed in the 1960's called the "Instant Buzzword Generator" to help you master this obscure jargon. With it you can create an almost endless variety of intelligent-sounding technical terms. INSTRUCTIONS: Simply select a number from each of the three columns below and combine the words into your own computer buzzword phrases. For example, select "10," "16," and "5" and you generate "Ergonomic Transitional Capability" an expression bound to command instant respect...and confusion! EXPANDED "COMPUTER BUZZWORD" GENERATOR 1. Integrated 1. Digital 1. Language 2. Synchronous 2. Logical 2. Compatability 3. Sectored 3. Memory 3. Management 4. On-line 4. Random 4. Options 5. Batched 5. Default 5. Capability 6. Relational 6. Third-Generation 6. Network 7. Dynamic 7. Incremental 7. Parameters 8. Parallel 8. Interpretive 8. Self-test 9. Responsive 9. Floppy 9. Matrix 10. Ergonomic 10. De-bugged 10. Hardware 11. Alphanumeric 11. Password 11. Device 12. Optical 12. Protocol 12. Refresh 13. Functional 13. Run-time 13. Compiler 14. Formatted 14. Analog 14. Controller 15. Mnemonic 15. Pixel 15. Flexability 16. Acknowledged 16. Transitional 16. Contingency 17. User-friendly 17. Intelligent 17. Duplex 18. Addressable 18. Virtual 18. Eprom 19. Enhanced 19. Buffered 19. Subroutine 20. Monitored 20. Vertical 20. Access - - - - - - - - Just released: nsh: NutSHell, the smallest UnixTM shell yet. Version 1.0 (the only one released so far) includes only 'cd' and 'echo '. GNUnsh, to be released later this year, is expected to be much more powerful, with built-in Bourne, Korn and C shell emulators. The executable is expected to go from 306 bytes to 7Mb with this release, however. X-rated Windows: X-rated windowing package. Includes obscenely-shaped windows, salacious prompts, erotic background patterns, and mouse cursors shaped like genitalia. Perfect for the window user with a twelve-year-old's mind. Warning: susceptible to viruses. - - - - - - - - PLEASE YOU WILL PARDON ME BECAUSE I AM A NEW USER AND THIS IS MY FIRST POST. FROM WHAT I HAVE READ IN THIS BBS IF YOU USE ADA YOUR PROGRAMS WILL NOT HAVE ANY BUGS. I THINK THAT WOULD BE A VERY GOOD THING. I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD USE ADA SO THEIR WILL NOT BE ANY MORE BUGS. PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO GET ADA FOR MY RADIO SHACK COLOR COMPUTER (I USED IT AS A TERMINAL TO TYPE THIS IN). - - - - - - - - DEC measures benchmarks with a calender. - - - - - - - - program \'pro-.gram\ 1. n - A sequence of statements which cause a computer to display error messages. 2. v - An activity similar to banging ones head against the wall, but with less chance for reward. - - - - - - - - This morning, one of our users told me of something he had read about businesses and UNIX. It appears that many businesses are buying UNIX rather than VMS (thereby annoying DEC) because of its simplicity in generating reports and other day-to-day business applications. He was wondering if we could get this wonderfully simple UNIX, to replace the complicated and confusing UNIX we currently have. *** From: miley@dev1h.mdcbbs.com (DAN MILEY) (Borrowed from an overhead slide used by a major workstation manufacturer) THE SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT PROCESS 1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team 2) Announce availability 3) Write the code 4) Write the manual 5) Hire a Product Manager 6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications) 7) Ship 8) Test (the customers are a big help here) 9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements 10) Announce the upgrade program *** From psw@richard.mitre.org Tue Apr 16 13:57:00 1991 Subject: why software gets no respect > From fkuhl@maestro.mitre.org Tue Apr 16 12:48:05 1991 > From: fkuhl@maestro.mitre.org (F. S. Kuhl) > To: BZIMMERM@mitre.org, MJENNY@mitre.org, RCUNNING@mitre.org, > RTARAKAN@mitre.org, gfr@maestro.mitre.org, rbenel@mitre.org > Subject: why software gets no respect > Cc: anne@maestro.mitre.org, cdahlke@maestro.mitre.org, chadwick@mitre.org, > psw@richard.MITRE.ORG > > My wife calls me this afternoon to ask if the lawn mower will > start (first time this season). > > I say, "I can't think why not, if you put gas in it." > > "So it's worth my hauling it out today." > > "I think so, but I haven't tested it. You know, no warranties express > or implied..." > > "I wasn't EXPECTING any. You're in the software business." > *** A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" *** Article 2452 of rec.humor.funny: Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.claremont.edu!uunet!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!decwrl!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Sat, 7 Nov 92 19:30:03 EST Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: lnd@csa.bu.edu (Levin) Subject: Logicians' jokes Keywords: smirk Approved: funny@clarinet.com Lines: 21 Heard at 1992 Europ. Summer Meeting of Assn. of Symb. Logic. Author unknown. 1. A logician saves the life of a space alien and is rewarded with an offer to answer any question. After a thought he asks: What is the best question to ask and the correct answer to it? After a brief panic the alien consults her computer and says: The best question to ask is the one you just did and the correct answer to it is the one I gave. 2. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. 3. Profound Truth differs from simple truth in that the negation of a simple truth is a simple falsehood, while the negation of a Profound Truth may be another Profound Truth. E.g. a button with "Life is just as simple as it seems" on one side and "Life is not as simple as it seems" on the other. -- Selected by Maddi Hausmann. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. This newsgroup is sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp. The "executive moderator" is Brad Templeton. Get GUMMed ---------- The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis "cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell them. -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 *** One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 *** "A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place." -- IEEE Grid news magazine *** On her second year in college a professor came to their class and was telling them about his new students (freshmen). When he asked them to comment all their programs, this is what he got: - "This program is very nice" - "This program is very difficult" - "This program is very interesting"........ *** ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and never when standing. Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led astray by hunting and pecking. - -- from the Programming Pearls column edited by Jon Bentley in CACM Feb. '85 *** Why God Never Received Tenure at the University ----------------------------------------------- 1. Because He had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that He created the world but what has He published/done since ? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to repeat His results. Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the undersid e of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintainin g optimum customer satisfaction, and theat any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. To re-order, specify the following: P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls *** Q: Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers? A: Cause they always want to do the job faster than before. And when they do, they say the performance has improved. *** Here are some more examples of computer humor from the cradle days of computers: Repairman fixing broken computer says accusingly to executive: "Did you ever think of showing it some love?" Repairman to executive: "I've found what's causing the slowdown. The big computer is shoving all its work onto the small one." Man nervously reads tape message coming out of computer: "It says... ...COGITO ERGO SUM." One man to another, in front of large computer: "Hodgkins, may I, er, see you for a moment, *alone*?" Repairman says matter-of-factly to executive: "Well, my best guess is that it committed suicide." Repairman inside computer shouts: "Good God! tHEY look like gallstones!" Two technicians enter a room full of large computers and find a tiny computer on the middle of the floor. In amazement, one man cries out, "Harris, I swear that wasn't there when we locked up." Busty blonde reads computer message, then, startled, says to associate, "It says it wants to know what I'm doing tonight." *** three people drive up to the top of a mountain. one is a lawyer. one is an engineer. and the last one is a computer scientist. after admiring the view, they decide to descend back down the mountain. about half the way down the mountain, the brakes of their car go out and they start to pick up speed. the tires squeal as they round the hair pin turns and switchbacks down the side of the mountain. through no small miracle, and a little stunt driving they manage to get to the bottom of the mountain and get the car stopped. the lawyer jumps out of the car and demands to see the brakes. "i want to see who manufactured those lousy brakes, because i'm going to sue them for recklessness and emotional trauma!" he announces to the others. the engineer has already gotten out the jack and started to jack up the car. "gee, how are we going to get this fixed so we can all get home?" he asks to no one in particular. meanwhile, the computer scientist is still sitting in the car with his seat belt on. after a few minutes of concen- tration, he rolls down the window and sticks his head out. "let's get this thing back up on the mountain and run it again," he offers. *** Boss to computer salesman: "Nothing really big. I just want to replace one wise guy." Ancient Chinese on rug says to his assistant, "So sorry. You've been replaced by an abacus." Boss to assistant: "Our computer is on the blink. Hire 21,000 office workers for the next 2 days." A man decides to test a computer's accuracy. "Where is my Father?" he asks. The machine answers, "Your father is in a Mexican prison." Delighted at the mistake, the man responds, "WRONG! He's in Los Angeles working in a bank." The computer again responds. "Your mother's husband is in Los Angeles. Your father is in a Mexican prison." Personnel manager to applicant: "I can't offer you a job right now, but our computer is favorably impressed." An atheist painstakingly feeds all of the world's great books into a computer, then asks the question: "Is there a God?" The computer whirs, makes eerie noises, then answers: "Now there is." Flying on a plane that has been automated, the passengers hear over the loudspeaker: "This plane has no pilot. Computers are doing all the work. You have nothing to worry about worry about worry about worry about.... A man is playing chess with a computer. The computer is blowing up -- smoke is pouring from it and springs are popping out. The man says acidly, "I *knew* you'd be a poor loser." *** Top Ten Reasons The Macintosh is not Dead! 10) Businesses can't afford to retrain millions of graphic designers. 9) Due to hair loss, hippies hold onto Macs as a way to differentiate thenselves. 8) Clinton cut a secret deal with Sculley during the election using S&L loans to buy Macs. 7) Exposure to PowerPC found to increase life span and improve sexual performance. 6) MacPaint launches amazing comeback, and 2 million Corel users switch platforms to use it. 5) State of Texas places big order to show support for Apple's domestic-partners policy. 4) Certain adult CD-ROMs will run only on AV Macs. 3) Microsoft forgets to put drag-and-drop editing in Windows 4.0. 2) Nationwide fad develops for computers that are made obsolete within three months by newer products. 1) During a wild pokers game, Mike Spindler acquires SGI for $5. *** THE STORY OF BABEL: In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to large numbers and prospered. One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all surprises! they could not understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. *** A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer programmer work together to build a soapbox derby car. finally the time comes to test it out so they all climb in the car and head off down the hill. halfway down, the car burst into flames and comes to an abrupt halt. The mechanical engineer gets out and says "Lets take it to the shop and i will fix the mechanics." The electrical engineer gets out and says, "Lets take it to the lab and i will fix the electronics." The computer programmer says, "Let's take it back up the hill and see if it happens again." *** Subject: What is 3+1? [The following is from rec.humor] Engineer: 4.0000000 x 10^0 Accountant: 4, before taxes. Statistician: 95% probability that it falls between 3.9 and 4.0 using student T distributions. Doctor: I will need to do more tests to be sure. Lawyer: How much do you want it to be? Math Prof.: f(x) = 4 u(x) where x>= 0 Marketing: We believe that people prefer the number 3 to the number 4, so the answer WILL be 3 ! Computer sales: 4, and it is backwards compatible with 3 and 1 too! Politician: We are funding a multimillion dollar research study to best determine how to procede... SAT writer: 4, unless you do poorly in math (in which case you are correct). Singapore: WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK Car Sales: 5. But tell you what, I like you, so I will knock it down to 4 (just don't tell my boss.) Posted to REC.HUMOR by Allen Kitchen *** BACKWARDS-COMPATIBLE: Consistent with previous versions: What software makers and politicians neglect to make their programs. CUSTOMER SERVICE: See Customer Support CUSTOMER SUPPORT: See Customer Service HANDWRITING RECOGNITION: The capability of a computer to decipher a person's handwriting: HANDWRINGING RECOGNIZANCE IS AND AMAZON INVENTORY!#! PROGRAMMER: A computer professional skilled in transforming easily understood instructions into complex and arcane computer programs. SOFTWARE: An object exhibiting the properties of an old mattress: provides little support, is full of bugs and has wads of cash sunk into it. SPELLCHECKER: With it's built in dictionary, its a foolproof writing tool. STATE OF THE ART: 1. The most advanced technology present at the moment. 2. By now, obsolete. WINDOWS: What daydreamers used to stare out of; now, what they stare into. -- Dr. Dave david.lustig@syntex.com WORD TO YOUR MOTHER! 5/8/94 *** Four professionals were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an IBM employee, who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog, T-Square, was told to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle and a triangle; which he did with no trouble. The second worker, a Ford employee, had a dog named Slide-rule. Slide-rule was to go fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three each, which he did with no difficulty. The Southern Bell employee agreed that that was a good trick, but then told his dog Measure to go buy a quart of milk and pour seven ounces of it into a ten ounce glass; which he did perfectly. The three of them agreed that they had very smart dogs and challenged the State employee to have his dog outdo the three previous feats. The State employee's dog was named Coffee-break. At the snap of his fingers, he strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he had injured his back, filed for workers compensation, and then went home on sick leave. *** Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing. One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He though to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight." He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating point processors, and inquired, "How are you, Honeywell?" "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions. Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight", he said. "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on." Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K, "I've been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disk packs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'd like my firmware?" They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old line, "Would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?", but Mini was again one clock tick ahead. Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM" she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off. Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and opened her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence. "No, no!" she cried. "You're not shielded!" "Reset, baby", he replied. "I've been debugged." "But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes", she protested. "Don't run away", he said. "I'll generate an interrupt." "No!" she squealed. "That's too error prone and I can't abort because of my design philosophy." But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off. Mini stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep. "Computers!" she thought as she compiled herself. "All they ever think of is hex!" ***