THE GRAD SCHOOL RAP

      This here's a message to you Mr.Fool
      who decided to go to graduate school
      Tryin' to get yourself a higher degree
      Is not all, what its cracked up to be
      Listen to me, cause I've collected the data
      Hear me now and believe me lat'r
      I've studied in the north
      and I've studied in the south
      The conclusions I've drawn, leave no room for doubt!

      You can come to school but if you're expectin' to stay
      you better keep up your GPA.
      There's been many who've been weeded out
      that's what the core courses are all about!
      You gotta be tough, you gotta be strong
      You gotta be smart or you won't last long.
      You need Inspiration, Dedication
      if you want to make it to your graduation.
      You gotta read books all night and day
      its nothing but work, there's no time for play.

      Conductin' research to its full potential
      the workload o'er time grows _exponential_
      Semesters are passin': spring, summer and fall
      instead of makin' progress, you hit a brick wall!
      Your plan of work is not lookin' too fine
      Expected graduation: 1999.
      You could be makin' thousands in in-dus-try
      instead of livin' close to po-ver-ty.
      Been in grad school, for far too long
      and that's the reason for this sad, sad song.

      Workin' late at night, and I'm feelin' tired
      a few more cups of coffee and I'll be wired.
      I got Laplace transforms and fourier series
      books 'n papers just filled with theories.
      Tryin' to do something that hasn't been done
      is like fightin' a battle that can't be won.

      Well I pushed myself, higher and higher
      till it was the time, to take the qualifiers
      I walked into the test, it was a scary trip
      but I had a weapon strapped to my hip.
      Its the calculator and its a friend of mine
      He's got _every_ function: square root to cosine!

      Its black and white, no shades of gray
      I ain't the MC, I'm called the TA!
      Gradin' papers, its an endless chore
      the longer I grade, the lower the scores.
      They line up at my door during office hours
      I feel like a man with such great powers.
      They crawl up to me in their distress
      and ask me to help 'em, pass their test.
      It seems like I'm in such demand,
      cause they just don't seem, to understand:

           How to integrate
           and to transform,
           how to calculate the mean
           and the norm.

      Well, they come to my office to express their grief
      but the problem is they're lazy, beyond belief.
      Two weeks in the semester, and they're three weeks behind
      The situation just, blows my mind.
      I say, you're clueless man, there is no doubt
      You don't even know what I'm talkin' about.
      Its obvious that, you won't pass
      but its not too late, to drop the class.

      There's a lot of pain, and sufferin' at hand
      but when we get out, were talkin' 60 grand
      Wearing gold chains, and drivin' a Mercedes
      we'll be a big hit, with all the ladies
      From India to HongKong, in every town and street
      Thousands will sing praises, and fall at our feet
      Its not always sunshine, sometimes its rain
      but the end of every rainbow, there's somethin' to gain

      So my brother when they ask you, why you're here
      Just tell 'em this, and do not fear
      Disposable income is very cool
      And that's the reason we go to Grad School!