From: ajs@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM (Alan Silverstein) Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1993 22:16:41 GMT Subject: Management for New Supervisors Message-ID: <17500208@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM> Organization: Hewlett-Packard, Fort Collins, CO, USA Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!decwrl!sdd.hp.com!hpscit.sc.hp.com!hplextra!hpfcso!ajs Newsgroups: rec.humor Lines: 315 (Posted on behalf of someone else who wants to be anonymous. I have nothing to do with this.) The high quality material below is reprinted from "A Short Course on Management for New Supervisors" by James E. Tingstad, in Pharmaceutical Technology, January 1993, p. 28. The low quality humor has been added to explain why the Japanese, Koreans, Singaporeans, ... are beating us by applying the advice of American management gurus, which are virtually ignored in corporate America. ******** Begin Text from the article, and the rebuttal. "... {Here} are some fundamentals that, if faithfully followed, guarantee success in management. I define success not as having power and position, but as * earning trust and respect from others * making consistant contributions to the well-being of both employees and the corporation". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: I define success as what I get for myself. I have taken several classes on * how to take advantage of your subordinate's trust and respect. * making consistant contributions to my own well-being at the expense of the long-term well-being of both employees and the corporation". ******** "First, heed the words of management expert Douglas McGregor: The most appropriate roles of manager vis-a-vis his subordinates are those of teacher, professional helper, colleague, and consultant. Only to a limited degree will he assume the role of authoratative boss". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Now hear this! The most appropriate roles of manager vis-a-vis his subordinates are those of torturer, professional hinderer, and rec-league insultant. Only to a limited degree will he not live the life of an authoritarian. ******** "The remainder of this short course is divided into two sections because 'ability may get you to the top, but only character can keep you there' ". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Ability will only get you about half as far as ass-kissing, one third as far as back stabbing, and no where near as far as buddy f***ing! ******** CHARACTER "Without unshakable ethics and conscious effort, managing gradually erodes into manipulation. It's a regrettable fact of life that manipulators often rise higher, but it's also true that supervisors who stand by their ethics sleep better and have a good taste in their mouths. Rest assured, a good night's sleep and self respect (to say nothing about trust and respect from others) are more rewarding than power and money". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Without unshakable principles and conscious efforts, manipulation can erode to become management, or even worse, mentoring. It is inconceivable that an effective leader would allow Himself (editor's note: the manager is a sexist, notice the "Him") to stoop to mundane involvement with His inferiors. Let the idiots destined to forever stay in middle management do that; I am on to bigger and better things. If Tingstad really wants a good taste in his mouth, he should try Mouton Rothschild 1982, which I can now afford, after getting a bonus for an idea developed by one of our new college recruits. Who is Tingstad kidding? Power and money buy you a good night's rest, to say nothing about the fear/respect of others. ******** "The leader sets the ethical tone for the entire group. Thus, your influence among others in society as a whole is significant. Good or bad influence? It's your choice". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Ethics are what my people get when I send them to company training (on their own time). They either learn that we own their souls, or they are going to have a hard time here. Influence society? Who has time? I am much too busy exploiting the masses, bribing politicians, and trying to influence the city council's zoning board about the new condo development that a few of us managers are trying to start in that empty marshland area out of town. The views in that place are wasted on the birds that live there! ******** "As you rise higher in the corporation, it is harder to stay on course. Without constant vigilence, you'll start thinking more about politics, promotions, and power, and less about employee's well being. The best way to guard against this decline is to conduct a semiannual survey in which workers candidly and anonymously tell you how you are doing. Periodic reflection and self evaluation are essential". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Without constant vigilence, you'll stop thinking about politics, promotions, and power, and start thinking about your employee's well being, and maybe even your family, if they are still there, (a good manager isn't sure if they are still there, since He is always at work). The best way to guard against this decline is to conduct a semiannual survey in which workers candidly but NOT anonymously tell you how you are doing. If they are actually brave enough to criticize you, transfer them to a department/division on the other side of the country from where you are located. Another manager there will reciprocate the favor by sending you His malcontents, which you can use to give bad raises to, in order to subsidise the large raises to give to your loyal supporters. Periodic reflection and self evaluation are essential, if you want to keep your ranks pure. ******** ABILITY "Success in management depends heavily on your ability to create a respectful, caring work environment wherein employees can do their best for the corporation. Here are specific suggestions:" "Most important, be a giver, not a taker". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Most important, be a taker, and not a giver, unless, of course we are talking of criticism, in which case, be a generous giver! ******** "If subordinates feel that you are for them - that your primary interst is their personal well being, growth, and productivity - then all will go well". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: If you have been faking these emotions for the weaklings who work for you, and they have fallen for it, GREAT!!! You should be teaching management seminars! If you can manage to convince them of this, you will be well on your way to getting double digit improvement in their performance, despite the single digit raises you plan to give out over the next few years, and with that, all will go well, at least for you. ******** "If in any particular situation, an employee sees you as a source of help rather than as a taskmaster and judge, the two of you will very likely discover the best course of action". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: If in any particular situation, an employee sees you as a source of help rather than as a taskmaster and judge, he will be very likely to suck you dry. Ignore him, unless you are a micro-manager. If you are one of those rare breeds who truly know how to do your subordinates work better than they do, by all means, tell them often and loudly, how you used to do it in the old days, and insist that any method other than the way it has always been done is incorrect! After all, aren't most of America's large companies still using tried and true solutions, like IBM mainframes from the 1960's! ******** "The best way to ensure your personal success is to concentrate on the success of your subbordinates". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: The best way to ensure your personal success is to concentrate on the exploitation of your subbordinates. ******** "Be a good communicator; listen carefully and inform abundantly". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Be a good communicator. Make sure the message is coming through loud and clear. Don't worry about what that message is, or how often it is in conflict with previous messages. They will get the message eventually. ******** "Give advice only when asked". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: If they don't ask, just ask yourself, on their behalf. "Ask other's advice as often as possible. They will feel respected, and you will very likely learn something". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Ask your boss's advice, but not too often. You want him to be flattered, but you don't want him to think you are as stupid as you really are. Listen covertly to your subbordinates complain to each other how stupid you are, and how things should be done. Steal their best ideas, and claim they are yours. Tell them if they were as smart as you, they would have thought of the ideas before you did. ******** "If someone criticizes you, don't try to explain: that will always be viewed as defensiveness. Rather, thank the person for his or her feedback and learn what you can from the experience". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: If this happens to you, fiegn shock and incredulity. Immediately agree with the idiot! This will help you bring the full brunt of the attack onto the subbordinate transferred in from the other coast in the reciprocal worker trade you worked out above. After all, that is why you let that other department transfer him, so you can have a scapegoat! Keep smiling, as you focus on the essence of TEFLON. ******** "Treat everyone as responsible, well-intentioned adults, and you will seldom be dissapointed". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Adults are the people above you in rank. Children are the rest of the world. Do not confuse the two. ******** "Two universal antidotes to interpersonal conflict are respect and reassurance". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: If interpersonal conflict is a disease, then the sick deserve to die! Therefore, discipline severely anyone who dissagrees with you, and never dissagree with a superior. ******** "The very best way to solve a persistant problemis to change the situation rather than trying to change the people. If personal change is required, look first and only to yourself for improvement. This will encourage others to do the same". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Problems can be divided into two groups. Ones that pre-date your workers, and ones which have surfaced since certain individuals have joined the group. Since the old problems have not been solved yet, tell your workers that they had better solve them, since not having them solved indicates a lack of skills necessary for their job. As to the new problems, have your brightest new recruit tackle them, and indicate that if he can't solve it, he can be replaced. When he does pull off the miracle solution, simply tell him this is average performance. ******** "If you are having a problem with someone, talk to him or her and start by saying - and meaning - "I need your help" ". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: No! No! No! Try "I am really sick of your stupid attitude", or "I brought you in here to straighten you out on who's in charge here", or "You really are getting on my nerves. If you weren't so productive, I'd ship your butt out of here tomorrow. If you don't start acting happier, I might do it anyhow!". I find these are the best three opening phrases. ******** "One of the clearest signs of good management is the extent to which employees are encouraged to improve the way things are done within the group". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: I don't know what to say, I am shocked, it's amazing! You are so right. I bet if that trouble maker from the other coast wasn't preventing the others in the group from freely associating, more of the improvements needed in my group would have happened long ago. Then you would really see how great a manager I really am. ******** "If subbordinates do what they think you want rather than what they know is right, everyone is in trouble - especially you". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Are you kidding? Do you even realise the time effort and expense necessary to completely whip your people into a catonic state of perpetual fear, from which you can instantly evoke frenzied response! Not on your life buddy! That's when we start to really get cooking! ******** "Delegating is simple. Just ask an employee, "Do you want to handle this or do you want me to do it?" If there ever was a win-win statement, this is it". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: If they answer "I'll handle it", check with them so frequently that they can't get anything done. If they look too good, they may pass you up. If they decline, remind them of this when you give them low reviews at raise time. ******** "Too often, we managers pressure others to change into what we would like them to be. Equally bad, we pretend we're something we are not". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: I am the boss, I am right. They must change, and change now! I'm not pretending! I am infallible. ******** "If subbordinates don't challenge you when you are wrong, find out - quickly - why they are afraid or don't care". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: If they do challenge you, (you are never wrong), find out - quickly - what does make them afraid, then use it to your advantage. ******** "If employees are resistant to something you feel is worth trying, ask them to try it as an experiment for a few months and promise you will abandon the idea if they feel it is not working". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: Hey! I new you would come around! That is just what you do, only you know it's a lie. You won't stop any of the top down programs, until the person instigating the program makes it enough of a success to move up and onward. In fact, consider cooking the books on the new top-down program to make your group look really compliant, so you might move up with the guy that started the stupid program in the first palce. ******** "The more subordinates trust you, the more likely they will share with you what really goes on in their world of work. This helps you do a better job because you have a better picture of reality". =-=-=-=-=-=-=-= American Management's rebuttal: I suppose this would be a good way for me to gather the dirt on my employees. Maybe I should try it, I might pick up a few juicy details to use in future extortions... Nah! to much trouble. Simple fear and loathing is quicker!