The following is forwarded from Microsoft, where things seem to be getting a little tense these days... If it hits a little close to home, run a grep on MICROSOFT and insert your organization name. BURNOUT PREVENTION AND RECOVERY 1. STOP DENYING. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit the stresses and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or emotionally. MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into unconsciousness. 2. AVOID ISOLATION. Don't do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but also is anathema to agitation and depression. MICROSOFT VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside so no-one will distract you. They're just trying to hurt your productivity. 3. CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. If your job, your relationships, a situation, or a person is dragging you under, try to alter your circumstances, or if necessary, leave. MICROSOFT VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, supress these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. (It's free.) 4. DIMINISH INTENSITY IN YOUR LIFE. Pinpoint those areas or aspects which summon up the most concentrated intensity and work toward alleviating that pressure. MICROSOFT VIEW: Increase intensity. Maximum intensity = maximum productivity. If you find yourself relaxed and with your mind wandering, you are probably having a detrimental effect on the stock price. 5. STOP OVERNURTURING. If you routinely take on other people's problems and responsibilities, learn to gracefully disengage. Try to get some nurturing for yourself. MICROSOFT VIEW: Always attempt to do everything. You ARE responsible for it all. Perhaps you haven't thoroughly read your job description. 6. LEARN TO SAY "NO". You'll help diminish intensity by speaking up for yourself. This means refusing additional requests or demands on your time or emotions. MICROSOFT VIEW: Never say no to anything. It shows weakness, and lowers the stock price. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do at midnight. 7. BEGIN TO BACK OFF AND DETACH. Learn to delegate, not only at work, but also at home and with friends. In this case, detachment means rescuing yourself for yourself. MICROSOFT VIEW: Delegating is a sign of weakness. Let someone else do it (See # 5). 8. REASSESS YOUR VALUES. Try to sort out the meaningful values from the temporary and fleeting, the essential from the nonessential. You'll conserve energy and time, and begin to feel more centered. MICROSOFT VIEW: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is selfish. If your values change, we will make an announcement at the company meeting. Until then, if someone calls you and questions your priorities, tell them that you are unable to comment on this and give them the number for Microsoft Marketing. It will be taken care of. 9. LEARN TO PACE YOURSELF. Try to take life in moderation. You only have so much energy available. Ascertain what is wanted and needed in your life, then begin to balance work with love, pleasure, and relaxation. MICROSOFT VIEW: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by the Borland Marketing Team. Don't be a fool: the only thing that matters is work and productivity. 10. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY. Don't skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid diets, disregard your need for sleep, or break the doctor appointments. Take care of yourself nutritionally. MICROSOFT VIEW: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the company. Push the mind and the body will follow. Drink Mountain Dew (it's free.) 11. DIMINISH WORRY AND ANXIETY. Try to keep superstitious worrying to a minimum -- it changes nothing. You'll have a better grip on your situation if you spend less time worrying and more time taking care of your real needs. MICROSOFT VIEW: If you're not worrying about work, you must not be very committed to it. We'll find someone who is. 12. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Begin to bring joy and happy moments into your life. Very few people suffer burnout when they're having fun. MICROSOFT VIEW: So, you think your work is funny? We'll discuss this with your manager on Friday. At 7:00 pm. From Kendall_Bullen%TAX_ANALYSTS@notes.worldcom.com Fri Mar 17 12:21:27 1995 Subject: New Microsoft Press Release Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: Text/Plain MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES BETA RELEASE OF WINDOWS TP REDMOND WA (JAN 13) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp announced Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide. Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with the user's brain. Using Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or "thought icon") is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows. Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short-term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to transfer data. Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to transfer messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft has had a beta version of the application in use for several months. CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation, Liz Wagthor, 206-555-8080 (CyberMail address: A shorth dumpy lady with shiny red hair and a really gross mole growing on the right side of her lip. A blue tattoo on her right arm that says "Billy G.'s the Man for Me" TESTERS REPORT PROBLEMS WITH WINDOWS TP BETA NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter - Microsoft's new Windows TP has a long way to go before final release, say beta testers of the product. Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included with the product. "I can see a fish tail representing some useful things, but the Program Manager? It's just not intuitive", says Clyde Revlon, an MIS specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. "Whoever came up with these thought icons needs therapy. I'm sure the guy's Yorkshire terrier is wonderful, but as the File Manager? A golden retriever I could understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, it's just too loud. Let me control the sweater." Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct Neuron Access technology. "Colors, I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go to the light mom", said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp, Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services. Other testers were less understanding. "I'm working on a presentation, and suddenly, all I can think about is pages "A" through "C" of the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it out of my mind. That blows my productivity right out of the water", says Max Pirenich, a salesman for Carp Technology. "Just thinking about Excel scares the crap out of me." Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta release of a product is perfect, and vowed to provide testers with the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many Microsoft QA engineers are expected to live long, productive lives. From jek9r@server.cs.virginia.edu Fri Mar 17 12:21:35 1995 Posted-Date: Fri, 17 Mar 1995 10:40:22 -0500 (EST) Return-Path: Subject: Is Windows a Virus? (fwd) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII > The Ultimate FAQ for Microsoft (R) Windows, Version 4.2e > > McAfee-Question : Is Windows a Virus ? > > No, Windows is not a Virus. Here's what does that... > > 1) They replicate quickly - Okay, Windows does that. > 2) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the > system as they do so - Okay, Windows does that. > 3) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - Okay, > Windows does that too. > 4) Viruses are usualy carried, unknown to the user, along with > valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. > 5) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is > too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware to improve > speed. Yup, that's with Windows too. > > Until now it seems that Windows is a Virus, but there are > fundamental diferences : > > Viruses are well supported by their authors; they are running on > most systems; their program code is fast, compact and efficient; > and they tend to become more sophistcated as they mature. > So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug. > ======================================================================== "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being" C. G. Jung ------------------------------------------------------------------------ e-mail: nakano@virginia.edu nakano@lsd.usp.br lugmnaka@fox.cce.usp.br Luis Gustavo Mendonca Nakano - Computer Science Department - UVa - USA ======================================================================== From voxers-at-large-owner@io.com Tue Mar 21 03:15:30 1995 Subject: VAL: Well, this works. Sender: owner-voxers-at-large@pentagon.io.com Reply-To: voxers-at-large@pentagon.io.com Date: Mon, Mar 13, 1995 3:40:02 PM WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays US $10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date. "We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution." Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway." Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for publication. IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people? What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be identified. Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today he clarifies that "I didn't say *which* six months." The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of US $3,000." _._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._ From: adam at xent dot com (Adam Rifkin) The VAL home-page has moved: http://www.io.com/user/jbay/val.html From voxers-at-large-owner@io.com Sun Apr 2 07:56:02 1995 X-Sender: jbay@interport.net Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Subject: VAL: microsoft corners floppy market Sender: owner-voxers-at-large@pentagon.io.com Reply-To: voxers-at-large@pentagon.io.com from "Tidbits", #270, 01-Apr-95 Microsoft to Corner Floppy Market? ---------------------------------- by Geoff Duncan When released later this year, Windows 95 is expected to ship on 24 to 28 high density floppy disks, and as a result, rumors have abounded that Microsoft is amassing huge quantities of floppies in anticipation of fulfilling millions of orders for the new operating system. This has led to speculation on the world-wide commodity markets that the release of Windows 95 may cause a floppy disk media shortage, causing prices for floppy media to increase. Microsoft officially refused to comment on this speculation. However, TidBITS managed to speak with a Microsoft program manager about the issue under conditions of anonymity. "Think about it," our source said. "Wouldn't Microsoft want the price of floppy disks to be as high as possible when Windows 95 ships? If you need disks, then, the cheapest way to get them in bulk will be to **buy** a copy of Windows 95! It's definitely a market-saturation move." TidBITS managed to obtain an early copy of the Windows 95 registration card. In addition to normal registration information, the card includes a checkbox to indicate "I bought Windows 95 just for the floppy disks." Microsoft tested the market-saturation idea earlier this year with its Macintosh products by releasing Microsoft Office on approximately 40 floppies and then continually delaying the CD version of Office containing the Power Mac-native version of Word 6.0. "The feedback was less than positive," our source said, "but we think we'll get it right this time." In light of this information, TidBITS would like to applaud the efforts of America Online, which has been frantically sending multiple floppy disks free of charge to Mac, PC, and refrigerator owners for the last year. AOL has also attempted to prevent the floppy shortage by bundling disks with newsstand copies of Macworld, Byte, and Ladies Home Journal. In a related announcement, avant-garde artist Christo announced last week that he plans to tile the exterior of New York's Guggenheim Museum in Mac and PC versions of AOL disks. The proposed work is an impressionistic scene entitled "Washington Crossing the Internet." Information from: Christo Pink Plastic Foundation, Ltd. Pythaeus Tarot readings -- o-----------=== jbay@io.com ===-------------o http://www.interport.net/~jbay _._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._ From: jbay@io.com (Thugzilla) The VAL home-page has moved: http://www.io.com/user/jbay/val.html From adam Wed Apr 5 08:57:06 1995 Subject: Humor forward: Service hotlines. This one is an oldie, but a goodie, discussing the scenario if cars were *really* like computers for the service helpline... Adam What if cars really were like computers? You'd have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up... Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline... HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side." HelpLine: "How did you try to open the passenger's side?" Customer: "I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side." HelpLine: "People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way." HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "How do I turn my windshield wipers on?" HelpLine: "There's a little button on the radio console . . ." Customer: "Radio console??" HelpLine: "Yes, it's more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it." Customer: "And that's the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did." HelpLine: "People are always asking that. You'd think they'd be more familiar with the principles of graphic design." HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens." HelpLine: "What model do you have?" Customer: "It's a brand new 1994 Mongoose." HelpLine: "Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?" Customer: "I don't know. Let me find out and I'll call you back." HelpLine: "Alright, but let me tell you you've probably got the small r model. You'll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse." HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I just called about the car that wouldn't go in reverse." HelpLine: "Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that." Customer: "It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the 'Reverse gear option'." HelpLine: "Yes, that's the option to upgrade to a reverse gear." Customer: "Why don't they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?" HelpLine: "Well, that's very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our 'power drivers'." Customer: "How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?" HelpLine" "Ahem. Well, yes, they're not a market leader, they're just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kind complicated details, go right ahead . . ." But really, we're leaving out an important part: HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car just caught fire." HelpLine: "I see. And what model was it?" Customer: "1994r Mongoose." HelpLine: "Big or small . . ." Customer: " . . . small r." HelpLine: "And your registration number?" Customer: "426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam." HelpLine: "And where did you buy your car?" Customer: "Fast Eddie's Sports-o-rama in Glendale." HelpLine: "And what was the name of the salesman?" Customer: "I don't remember." HelpLine: "I see. Are you sure you didn't steal this car?" Customer: "Of course I didn't steal it!" HelpLine: "And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract?" From adam Fri Apr 7 12:49:42 1995 Subject: Charming. It gets worse and worse, don't it? **** PRESS RELEASE **** Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell. Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply "Money" (patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US currency . When questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apple's theft of the Windows look and feel, and Stac's pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two examples. Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his grand vision of "Money always at my fingertips." Gates further stated that the move to 32 bit operating systems would make it difficult "for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts." "This (acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and installing software," continued Gates. Response within the industry and government was immediate. All major ISV's appeared at the press conference and announced support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition "the most earth shattering event in the history of the world, without question." Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news "since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show." Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would "all be using it soon." Jim Seymour stated that "the miraculous Money is now the standard for currency in the United States." Hillary Clinton was not available for comment. From voxers-at-large-owner@io.com Thu Apr 20 15:00:29 1995 Subject: VAL: Redneck software (fwd) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Sender: owner-voxers-at-large@pentagon.io.com Reply-To: voxers-at-large@pentagon.io.com Catherine Skidmore * * * "Lips that taste of tears, they say eppie@interport.net * * * are the best for kissing." http://www.interport.net/~eppie * * * -Dorothy Parker ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Thu, 20 Apr 1995 10:29:43 -0400 (EDT) From: Paul Jones To: online-news@marketplace.com Subject: Redneck software "MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE by Andrew Burke REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 -- Microsoft today announced the release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite. "Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals," explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently seen people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology -- the time is right for the rest of America to get wired!" Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain. The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and beer at the click of a mouse. "This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere," he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder for their monitors. "Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just catering to a demand, that's all." Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel -- Go America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps." Apple declined to comment." _._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._ From: "\"jesus" The VAL home-page has moved: http://www.io.com/user/jbay/val.html Date: Sun, 7 May 1995 00:07:31 -0400 From: Larry Scott Subject: Windows TP (#1) MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES BETA RELEASE OF WINDOWS TP REDMOND, WA (MAR. 31) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide. Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with the user's brain. Using the Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or "thought icon") is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows. Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short- term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to transfer the data. Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to transfer messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft has had a beta version of the application in use for several months. Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ:MSFT) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers. The company offers a wide range of products and services for business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing every day. CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation Liz Wagthor, 206/555-8080 (CyberMail address: A short, dumpy lady, with shiny red hair, and a really gross mole growing on the right side of her lip. A blue tattoo on her right arm says, "Billy G's the Man for Me.") TESTERS REPORT PROBLEMS WITH WINDOWS TP BETA -------------------------------------------- NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter - Microsoft's new Windows TP has a long way to go before final release, say beta testers of the product. Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included with the product. "I can see a fish tail representing some useful things, but the Program Manager? It's just not intuitive," says Clyde Revlon, an MIS specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. "Whoever came up with these thought icons needs therapy. I'm sure the guy's Yorkshire terrier is wonderful, but as the File Manager? A golden retriever I could understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, it's just too loud. Let me control the sweater." Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct Neuron Access technology. "Colors, I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go to the light mom," said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp, Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services. Other testers were less understanding. "I'm working on a presentation, and suddenly all I can think about is pages A through C of the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it out of my mind. That blows my productivity right out of the water," says Max Pirenich, a salesman for Carp Technology. "Just thinking about Excel scares the Carp out of me." Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta release of a product is perfect, and vowed to provide testers with the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many Microsoft QA engineers are expected to lead long, productive lives. MICROSOFT DENIES LINK TO LOSS OF PROGRAMMERS -------------------------------------------- While acknowledging that such a typographical error would have undefined results at run time, and that error trapping in the compiler was not totally comprehensive, a Microsoft spokesperson denied that the recent demise of several Beta testers was linked to a typo they may have made while using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API using Neural C. Such a typo has been linked in persistent rumors surrounding the as yet unreleased product Windows TP. It is reported to have occurred when programmers using the EXECUTE_PROGRAM_IMMEDIATE API inadvertently typed EXECUTE_PROGRAMMER_IMMEDIATE. Internal sources who wished to remain unnamed commented, "This is BETA software after all and bugs are to be expected," "We can't trap every error a user may make," and "Any one who uses undocumented calls is on their own!" Microsoft did say that it was unlikely that this problem would be addressed before release 2.0. "So far, we have not received a single bug report from a Beta tester experiencing this problem, so we do not see this as a critical market issue." (Originally from Dave Coble) From owner-voxers-at-large@specter.usa.net Fri May 19 05:17:24 1995 X-Sender: meta@mailhost.cam.harlequin.co.uk Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Organization: Harlequin Information Systems X-Attribution: ><(([@ Subject: NuVAL: End of the world Sender: owner-voxers-at-large@specter.usa.net Reply-To: voxers-at-large@specter.usa.net [ Endless forwardings deleted... ] God calls Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, and Boris Yeltsin and says to them, "The world will end in 30 days. Now go tell your people." Yeltsin goes back to Russia and broadcasts on the radio: "I have bad news and I have terrible news. The bad news is there really is a God, and the terrible news is the world will end in 30 days." Clinton goes on TV and says: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is the family values upon which we base our lives is true. There is a God. The bad news is the world will end in 30 days." Gates goes back to Seattle and says to his executive committee: "I have good news and wonderful news. The good news is God thinks I am important. The wonderful news is we don't have to ship Windows 95." -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- The New VAL: Guilt By Association. Guilty Party: meta@harlequin.co.uk (mathew) From owner-tftd-l@TAMVM1.TAMU.EDU Tue Jun 13 03:37:33 1995 Content-Length: 1528 Approved-By: Dan Galvin Reply-To: Dan Galvin Sender: THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Subject: Thought for Tuesday, Jun 13, 1995 SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST" New York, ________ -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing. "There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available." According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing' the software. RItUs no joke,S said Granola. RInnocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and UcrashedU for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when theyUre not needed anymore.S Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs. RWe know alternatives to this horror exist,S He said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing. -From Somewhere on the Internet From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Wed Sep 6 06:40:03 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) Subject: Summer Camp For Kids Lines: 106 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Billy's Letters The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column: Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters. Dear Mom, The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy. Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy. P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too. Dear Mom, Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really. Love, Billy. Dear Mom, I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad. Love, Billy. Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not. Signed, William. Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August. Regards, William. Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me. Sincerely, William. See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much. Sally Gates, Concerned Parent \=/, _-===-_-====-_-===-_-==========-_-====-_ | @___oo ( Joke of the Day! )_ /\ /\ / (___,,,}_--= ) ) /^\) ^\/ _) =__ To be added or deleted, send e-mail ) ) /^\/ _) (_ to: joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net ) ) _ / / _) ( ) /\ )/\/ || | )_) (_ In the body of the message, type ) < > |(,,) )__) ( the word SUBSCRIBE or ) || / \)___)\ (_ UNSUBSCRIBE __) | \____( )___) )___ -==-_____-=====-_____-=====-___== \______(_______;;; __;;; ... Obe Wan Kenobi at the dinner table: "Use the FORKS, Luke!" --- * TLX v4.00 * From klassa@aur.alcatel.com Thu Sep 7 09:55:56 1995 X-Mailer: exmh version 1.6 4/21/95 To: wrenn@chewy.larc.nasa.gov, bach@gumby.larc.nasa.gov, adam at xent dot com, alan.farmer@bentley.com ------- Forwarded Message Return-Path: browna@aur.alcatel.com Return-Path: Received: from aurxc3.aur.alcatel.com by aur.alcatel.com (4.1/SMI-4.1) id AA09977; Thu, 7 Sep 95 12:07:55 EDT Received: by aurxc3.aur.alcatel.com (5.65/DEC-Ultrix/4.3) id AA07611; Thu, 7 Sep 1995 12:07:54 -0400 Message-Id: <9509071607.AA07611@aurxc3.aur.alcatel.com> To: klassa@aur.alcatel.com, schwea@aur.alcatel.com, karuts@aur.alcatel.com, lewijw@aur.alcatel.com Subject: Date: Thu, 07 Sep 95 12:07:54 -0400 From: browna@aur.alcatel.com X-Mts: smtp ... this one is really *sick* ... Subject: FWD: "(Fwd) It's happened!! Windows '95 !!" Microsoft Windows 95 Stuns World! Redmond, Wash (AP) - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Microsoft Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by industry giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most advanced operating system ever produced." But even he could not have predicted yesterday's events. It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Pytir Milivocic, spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been released, we just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an amazing product." Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing [nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French government. "The Microsoft Network (tm) has changed all of that. It's such a small planet!" On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam Hussein met face-to-face for the first time. After a tense greeting, they started sharing notes about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and chatting like old friends. In a startling display of candor, Hussein said "If I hadn't been so frustrated with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner." Bush laughed and commiserated with Hussein, saying "Well, Saddam, I *told* you it'd be released eventually, all you had to do was wait. Hey! Let's play some FreeCell!" Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to the new platform. Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest turned their axes in for spades after seeing a Microsoft Video of spotted owls using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the Peso reversed its downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco and Mexico City. On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA, reports that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts. "I sat down in front of the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!" Even more amazing is the story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was reported last week as having an incurable, fatal form of cancer. His doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95 at the local Computer Universe store, his cancer went into remission. When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events, Microsoft's Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man in the United States, replied "If you think *this* is good, just wait until you see Windows 97!" (due to ship in March of 1999) Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are unconfirmed at this time. - ------- End of Forwarded Message ------- End of Forwarded Message From kendall@his.com Thu Sep 7 22:51:01 1995 X-Sender: kendall@mail.his.com X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Light Version 1.5.2 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" To: adam at xent dot com, peter@his.com, Holly Vineyard , dobbin@tma.com, jleach@mail.tax.org, psw@netcom.com, rharris@mail.tax.org, ronald@his.com, scott@cais.com, sstevens@netcom.com, sfofanoff@gonzaga.edu Subject: Beyond the Hype Originally appeared in The (Manchester, England) Guardian. - - - - - - - - - - Beyond the Hype Douglas Adams, author of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, argues Windows 95 does not cross any frontiers What on Earth is going on? Have we found intelligent life on other planets? Abolished war and famine? Found Elvis? Have we even devised a new and better way of using computers? No. All that's happened is that Microsoft has remodelled its operating system so that it's now more like the Macintosh. This may well be a cause for rejoicing among Windows users but it's hardly a giant leap for mankind and doesn't warrant this sense that we're all supposed to celebrate early and avoid the millennium rush. As part of this billion-dollar festival of smoke and mirrors, Bill Gates has apparently paid the Rolling Stones 8 million pounds for the right to use Start Me Up, the song which is better known for its catchy refrain "You make a grown man cry". This is a phrase you may hear a lot of over the next few days as millions of people start trying to install Windows 95. Even the best designed systems can be a nightmare to upgrade, but whatever things Microsoft may be famous for - the wealth of its founder, the icy grip he exerts on what is arguably the most important industry on this planet - good systems design is not, as it happens, one of them. Let's dispel a few myths. There's one which says that the original PC operating system was a brilliant feat of programming by boy genius Bill Gates. It wasn't brilliant and Gates didn't write it. He acquired it, "shrewdly", from the Seattle Computer Company and then immediately licensed it on to another, larger, outfit called IBM. When the IBM PC was launched into a market which had hitherto been serviced by garage companies named after bits of fruit, it carried the impimatur of a world-renowned name and sold a zillion, making Gates' operating system a world standard. IBM had failed to realise that any fool could make the boxes, but the hand that owned the software ruled the world. Big Blue had given the kid Gates a free ride into the stratosphere and then, astoundingly, found itself starting to fall away like a discarded booster rocket. Sadly this new world software standard was actually a piece of crap. MS-DOS, as Gates called it, had started life as QDOS-86 or the Quick & Dirty Operating System, which told you all you needed to know about it. A whole generation of people doggedly learned to run their businesses on a system that was written as a quick lash-up for hobbyists and hackers. Was there anything better around? Of course. In the 1970's, Xerox had funded a team of the world's top computer scientists to research the man/machine interface. They devised a graphical system, using windows, icons and mice. Their key insight was that a lot of needless complications could be cut short by harnessing people's intuitive and gestural skills. Oddly, Xerox failed to follow this up, and the research was taken up and brought to the market by Apple Computer as the Macintosh. After a shaky, underpowered start, this machine matured into a well-integrated system which was not only very powerful, but a real pleasure to use. Mac users tend to have an almost fanatical devotion to their achines. The Microsoft line on all this was that Windows was for wimps. The truth was that plain old MS-DOS couldn't actually do them. Graphics, mice, networking, and a whole lot else, had to be added to the basic core of QDOS as one afterthought after another, which is why Wintel computers are so fiendishly complicated to set up and maintain. Gates, however, had always known which way the future lay, and for years Microsoft managed the awkward juggling act of rubbishing Apple's user interface while simultaneously trying to devise something like it that would fit on top of the bloated clutter that MS-DOS had become. BYTE magazine said recently: "It would not be an exaggeration to describe the history of the computer in the past decade as a massive effort to keep up with Apple." However, the Macintosh is not the last word on interface design, and if Microsoft had been the innovative company that it calls itself, it would have taken the opportunity to take a radical leap beyond the Mac, instead of producing a feeble, me-too, implementation. An awful lot of people who try to install Windows 95 will end up having to spend so much money buying extra RAM and upgrading their peripherals to get features that Mac users have enjoyed for years, that they might as well give up and buy the real thing. The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into it in the first place. From kendall@his.com Thu Sep 7 22:51:17 1995 X-Sender: kendall@mail.his.com X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Light Version 1.5.2 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" To: adam at xent dot com, peter@his.com, Holly Vineyard , dobbin@tma.com, jleach@mail.tax.org, psw@netcom.com, rharris@mail.tax.org, ronald@his.com, scott@cais.com, sstevens@netcom.com, sfofanoff@gonzaga.edu Subject: A poem I saw a little poem the other day: Roses are red, Midnight is black, Windows 95 Turned my PC into a Mac! Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE *** Project: Version - Windows 95 Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): #include #include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play); if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) { market_time=ripe; say("It will be ready in one month); order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version); order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version); order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense); vapourware=TRUE; break; } } switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) { case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY: say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing"); break; case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK: say("Yes it will work"); ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work); pretend(there_is_no_problem); break; case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS: say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to" " the 32 bits architecture"); inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh"); inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant" "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs"); inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple"); get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break; case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE: say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone"); register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book); when(time_is_ripe) { arrest(journalist); brainwash(journalist); when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) { order(journalist, "write a nice objective article"); release (journalist); } } break; } while (vapourware) { introduction_date++; /* Delay */ if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release) break; say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH); } release(beta_version) while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) { bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks; release(new_and_even_better_beta_version); introduce(more_memory_requirements); if (customers_report_installation_problems) { say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem"); if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play) { ignore(customer); order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard"); } } if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years ) { divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her); wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks); marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); if (boobies_start_to_hang) dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies); } if (there_is_another_company) { steal(their_ideas); accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas); hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */ wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit); buy_out(other_company); } } /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */ order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard); buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem); laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); } void bugfix(void) { charge (a_lot_of_money) if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) say("It is not a bugfix but a new version"); if (still_complaints) { ignore(customer); register(customer, big_Bill_book); /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/ } } ************Here's another good one****************** James McArthur (jamesm@nutmeg.it.ntu.edu.au) wrote: : Heres something I found the other day. : It REALLY sums up Microsoft.. : + 1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER : + that year,instead of before. : + : + 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy : + a new car. : + : + 3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to : + restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. : + : + 4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you : + bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more : + seats. : + : + 5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a sec, : + it's that way NOW! : + : + 6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice : + as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads. : + : + 7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced : + with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. : + : + 8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft : + cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other : + brands for years. : + : + 9. We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out. : + : + 10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm). : + : + 11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur. : + : + 12. The US government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, : + instead of giving them. : + : + 13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass. : + : + 14. Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining : + because Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models. : I like, 3, 8 and 12 the best. And 7, and 13... 8() Cheers... From adam at xent dot com Fri Feb 9 22:21:27 1996 To: FoRK@xent.w3.org Subject: Taking a chance - new humor bits or old? Microsoft Announces New CD_ROM Software to Aid Consumers In Suing Itself (REDMOND, WA.) In an effort to make it easier for computer users everywhere to file a law suit against itself, Microsoft Corporation today announced Microsoft Litigation '96, a multimedia reference library complete with 139 frequently used legal writs, briefs, templates and forms which are accessible from within other programs with a single click. With this handy tool, a user will be able to combine elements of the popular Microsoft Office and Microsoft Office Professional desktop productivity suites in conjunction with the Litigation '96 CD-ROM package to quickly and efficiently bring suit against Microsoft for a variety of reasons, whether legitimate or frivolous. What is new this year: Litigation Builder ------------------------ Located on the QuickSuit information retrieval toolbar, Litigation Builder provides instant access to an enormous variety of case law and civil code from within any program on the Windows platform. Suit Wizards (tm) ------------------------ Suit Wizards (tm) guide the user through the many mazes of 'legalese' required to bring suit against Microsoft, whether in city, county, state, Federal, Appellate, or Supreme Court. Localized versions of Litigation '96 will provide for the equivalent of lawsuits in any nations' format. Year in Review ----------------------- The Year in Review section highlights lawsuits, findings, settlements and other legal events of the past year which affect Microsoft, including the Justice Department suit, Judge Sporkin's refusal to approve the settlement and the Stacker suit. All New Forms ---------------------- View more than 650 legal templates and forms from around the world, 930 country -specific case law findings, and 180 bar associations. Also click a latin legal term to hear it pronounced. Nothing could make it easier for a non-lawyer to bring suit against Microsoft. More Multimedia Elements --------------------------------------- Litigation '96 contains all new video for a total of 45 clips, 150 new audio clips for a total of five hours of sound, and 550 new images for a total of 3,000 pictures. The law dictionary contains more than 80,000 spoken pronunciations (the feature can be turned off if desired). From lotd-approval@europe.std.com Fri Nov 10 18:00:41 1995 To: lotd@world.std.com Subject: Laugh Of The Day - Fri, Nov 10 1995 Sender: lotd-approval@europe.std.com Reply-To: lotd-owner@europe.std.com ************************************************************************** Be sure to visit LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/) ************************************************************************** MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas by Robert Reiser NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1995, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more effecient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of Windows95 and Office 95." In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seamingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 95 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Borganization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 95. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[95] as early as November first." Christmas 95 is scheduled for release in December of 1995, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1996. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catostrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are availble for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment. ************************************************************************** LAUGH OF THE DAY - A service of LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/). To unsubscribe, send e-mail to majordomo@world.std.com, with text: unsubscribe lotd For more information about Laugh Of The Day or LaughWEB, send email to: joeshmoe@world.std.com with a SUBJECT header of: info laugh The URL of today's laugh: http://www.misty.com/laughweb/religion/xmas/ms.buys.xmas ************************************************************************** Warning - Material contained in this document might be considered offensive. Please read our disclaime (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/laughweb.disclaimer) ************************************************************************** From dobbin@tma.com Wed Feb 14 08:18:17 1996 Subject: Microsoft Panhandling (fwd) To: adam at xent dot com (Adam Rifkin [WM BJ]), danielob@universe.digex.net (Daniel Buchholz [B]) Mailer: Elm [revision: 66.25] .05 to 142.50? > > *** Resending note of 02/14/96 00:39 > > Microsoft Panhandling > > Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe > magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new > product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling. > > "The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for > money,"recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a > golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any > initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my > competition, so > I had my limo driver run over him several times." > > Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete > Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. > > "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and > needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader > Bernard > Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich." > > Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. > At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could > spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. > ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our > diet > consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a > little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of > change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank > account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the > program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not > yet been implemented. > > "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard > Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next > couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. > Maybe." > > Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. > > "Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either > takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which > will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squegee Guy > ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.) > > But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle > Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own. > > "Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," > says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. > "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for > change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for > money." > > Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General > pandemonium then ensued. > > > FROM: THE ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST > > -- dobbin@tma.com Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. From emy@norfolk.infi.net Thu Jun 6 19:50:28 1996 X-Sender: emy@norfolk.infi.net X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Version 1.4.4 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" To: galang@erdas.com, lcorrell@capaccess.org, coreyo@nando.net, adam at xent dot com, ddavid@infi.net, jyow@norfolk.infi.net Subject: BUBBA-L digest Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in South Georgia - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 1.Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders 2.Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle 3.Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag 4.Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw" 5.Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos 6.The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse 7.Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" 8.Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart 9.PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt" 10.Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++" 11.Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag 12.Microsoft Word would be just that: one word 13.Instead of WWW servers, Microsoft would have KKK servers. 14.New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!" 15.Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz" 16.Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am 17.Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse 18.Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver 19.Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire 20.Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard 21.Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator 22.Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates From mkc1@ajax.wda.disney.com Wed Jul 17 09:54:42 1996 Mime-Version: 1.0 (NeXT Mail 4.0 v141) Content-Type: text/plain X-Nextstep-Mailer: Mail 3.3 (Enhance 1.0) To: John Dobbin , Adam Rifkin Subject: from No by Robert Libbon Reply-To: megan_coughlin@ajax.wda.disney.com X-Duck: Lame X-Url: http://members.tripod.com/~meganc Although we may never learn the answers to these questions, I would like to clear up a few public misconceptions regarding Bill Gates and his little upstart venture: 1. Microsoft sucks because it releases software with bugs in it. True, Microsoft has come in for a great deal of criticism because of its tendency to release new products about three years before they're actually worth buying. But this isn't deceitful, it's downright American. After all, Detroit has been putting out cars without brakes or exhaust systems, or lug nuts for years. And the flip side of your new, improved, stronger, safer detergent is that the stuff you've been buying is old, crappy, weaker, and toxic. And how about the fact that every four years we produce a Presidential update that has fewer useful features? So let's stop ca rping about Microsoft's retail practices. At least their boxes look nice. 2. Microsoft insists that its employees conform to a 1950's standard of appearance and demeanor. Sorry, that's Disney. 3. Microsoft insists that its employees live in a train. Sorry, that's Ringling Bros. 4. Microsoft insists that its employees view their idiosyncrasies as character traits, their personality defects as management styles, and their best work as so much turtle dung. Now that's Microsoft. 5. Bill Gates intends to take over the world. It's already happening. At the United Nations in 1995, while demonstrating Windows 95 for the world's leaders, Bill Gates executed a plan he lifted straight out of the Adam West Batman movie: he replaced every single head of state with a humanoid Microsoft Replica. It's a little known fact, but Microsoft has actually had a proto type Replica in place since 1992. His name is Boris Yeltsin ver. 1.3, and he is virtually indistinguishable from the real Boris Yeltsin, apart from the palette flash. 6. Microsoft's Legacy will be its Unique and Visionary Approach to Personal Computing. No, Microsoft's legacy will be the General Protection Fault. 7. Microsoft uses unfair business practices to eliminate potential competitors. Grow up. From owner-phun@cs.princeton.edu Tue Feb 11 09:58:30 1997 To: phun@cs.princeton.edu Subject: ms and cars Sender: owner-phun@cs.princeton.edu Reply-To: Stefanos Damianakis Subject: Found on the net Ten Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars: 1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year instead of before it. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats. 5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast-but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads. 6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 7. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years. 8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas. 9. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an auto-maker, instead of giving them. 10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. From adam Sun Jun 22 13:15:14 1997 To: FoRK@pest.w3.org Subject: Golden Oldie: If Microsoft Built Cars. Yeah, I know, humor is rarely new bits, but I figured it was good to get this out of my system... I particularly liked/empathize with: > 12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what > happened. :) Adam If Microsoft Built Cars ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower. 7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years. 9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb. 10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 11. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. 13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side- valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. 14. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads. 15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff. 16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM! 17. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads! 18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it. To prevent this, Microsoft would convince all the car frame manufacturers to ship with Microsoft car automatically, receiving a smaller licensing fee in exchange for ubiquity. 19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked. 20. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other. ---- adam at xent dot com It's not like Windows users don't have any power. I think they are happy with Windows, and that's an incredibly depressing thought. -- Steve Jobs