From khare@xent.caltech.edu Thu Jun 10 13:52:18 1993 To: adam@csvax.cs.caltech.edu Subject: RHF preprint - PC-UNIX Reply-To: khare@caltech.edu Begin forwarded message: Date: Thu, 10 Jun 93 13:01:07 -0700 From: ernest@pundit.cithep.caltech.edu (Ernest Prabhakar) To: David Stephenson , Todd Rider , Bob Nolty , Dustin Laurence , Glenn Smith , khare@pooh.cco.caltech.edu, kelsey@slacvm.slac.stanford.edu, ljones@cithe501.cithep.caltech.edu Subject: RHF preprint - PC-UNIX Reply-To: ernest@cco.caltech.edu Hello all, I am planning on submitting the following to Rec.humour.funny, say in about a week. I would appreciate feedback and additions beforehand. Thanks, - Ernie P. ====== PC-compliant UNIX It has become increasingly clear to users and proponents of UNIX(tm) that they are fighting a losing battle against the unwashed masses. In order to reclaim market share, it is necessary that they make UNIX more accessible. The way to do this is by producing a PC version of UNIX. No, not porting to Personal Computers, but by making UNIX Politically Correct. Even the most casual glance reveals UNIX to be riddled with insensitive, male-dominated terminology. If UNIX is ever to become accepted once again in our highest circles of learning, it is important to conform to the standards propounded therein. It is widely rumoured that the purchase of UNIX Systems Laboratories by Novell was largely to achieve this effect. Our spies have uncovered the design document for UNIX System VI, which intends the following changes: "man" pages will be referred to as "person" pages. The "abort()" function will be replaced by the "choice()" function. To avoid perjorative, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been renamed "euthanise." To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored. The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by the more neutral "gender" command. The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be "nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used to by unprivileged users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones. The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers. It can only be obtained if a signed letter of consent has been obtained from all affected persons. Traditionally, normal video was "white on black", while reverse video was "black on white." This reference, which its overtones of European domination of people of African descent, has been eliminated. Now, "regressive video" refers to white on black, while "progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background. The X Window System will be henceforth known as the NC-17 Window System. And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively Challenged. Begin forwarded message: Date: Thu, 10 Jun 93 13:46:55 -0700 From: ernest@pundit.cithep.caltech.edu (Ernest Prabhakar) To: laurence@alice.wonderland.caltech.edu (Dustin L. Laurence), khare@pooh.cco.caltech.edu Subject: PC-UNIX addendums Cc: David.Stephenson@math.lsa.umich.edu Reply-To: ernest@cco.caltech.edu The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian perjorative. Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides." There will no longer be a distinction between "dumb" and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable. The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the Reagan era. System VI will include the environmentally preferable "less" command. Similarly, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as "exploitive capatilist text". For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. From now on, all administrative decisions will be made via a poll of all registered users. No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned" by users. They have rights, too.