From dobbin@tma.com Sun Dec 11 19:37:07 1994 Subject: (fwd) Intel Pentium Digest #2 (fwd) Mailer: Elm [revision: 66.25] The Intel Pentium bug is a fit subject for on-line humor, and we've gotten several jokes submitted. In keeping with the usual r.h.f. ratio, I rejected 94.9999999523 percent of them. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Intel FDIV Excuses From: israel@extol.sj.unisys.com Top Ten Intel Excuses --------------------- 10. You mean 2.00000000 + 2.000000000 doesn't equal 3.999998456? 9. We felt sorry for all those competitors of ours who can't seem to sell anywhere near as many processors as we do. 8. Emulate THIS, Power PC! 7. Hey, look! We've got a built-in random number generator! (Quick, jack-up the price...) 6. The FDIV bug? That's nothing! Wait'll you see what happens when you try to run Windows 95! 5. We were trying to outfox AMD by tricking them into making a processor that works, thus rendering them incompatible! 4. Hey, buddy, we'd like to see YOU hook up 3.3 million transistors right the first time! 3. Actually, the whole thing's a documentation error. The manual mixed up the opcodes of FDIV with another instruction, FATRA - Floating Point Almost The Right Answer. 2. That's the way it's supposed to work. It's part of our new fuzzy logic support. 1. We don't care. We don't have to. We're INTEL! ----------------------------------------------------------------- From: laniege@eng.auburn.edu (__Glenn Lanier__) Subject: 2 more Intel Insiders November Election results may be due to Intel Pentium bug :-) An anonymous source in the Democratic Party has revealed that the sweeping landslide victory of the Republicans in November may have been due to an obscure bug in the Intel Pentium computer chip. Upgrading the nationwide vote counting system to the latest technology was one of Vice-President Al Gore's "Reinventing Government" initiatives. This change was meant to reduce costs and streamline operations, however, the computer glitch may have cost the Whitehouse dearly. A spokesman for the Democratic Party denied the rumor that several thousand Power-PC's had been purchased as part of a vote recount effort. When questioned about the news Senator Bob Dole (r) commented that he believed the Intel Pentium chip was far better than anyone had thought. A short statement released by Newt Gingrich's office indicated that "the Democratic party has always sought to divide America and that this discovery of an FDIV bug in the Intel Chip was clear evidence of the moral decay of our society." At a Motorola Plant in Austin, Texas Ross Perot told an angry crowd that according to his new calculations the deficit is actually 14 times larger than the government has been telling us. He praised his staff for staying up all night and performing the calculations by hand. In late breaking news today legal briefs were filed in Chicago by former senator Dan Rostenkowski's attorneys which claimed that the irregularities at the House Bank and the House Post Office were actually due to Pentium chip calculation errors. Sources in Attorney General Janet Reno's office reveal a furious behind the scenes effort to reload the whitewater investigation spreadsheets in order to double check the results. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Top Ten Excuses Why QT Emulation Didn't Find the Pentium FPU Bug ---------------------------------------------------------------- 10) Intel couldn't afford to buy enough QT hardware in order to verify beyond 5 decimal places. 9) Actually did find the problem but didn't want to say anything because, "We're shy." 8) Spent more time verifying QT hardware than Intel hardware. 7) Decided it was more important to verify all the obscure undocumented opcodes that nobody knows about than it was to see if the math was actually correct. 6) Figured if there were any problems with the chip could always fix it by doing a slingshot around the sun and going back in time like in Star Trek. 5) Intel used a 486 PC to check the math on the Pentium emulator. 4) Money Intel spent for QT emulators actually went to buy hookers and booze for Andy Grove. 3) Didn't do an exhaustive check of all the math functions. Got as far as 2 + 2 = 5 and figured that was good enough. 2) Pentium testing consisted mostly of playing tetris until a score of 100,000 was achieved. 1) There was an FPU in that thing? | Glenn Lanier II Preferred: laniege@eng.auburn.edu | | 04 CS Alternate: laniege@mail.auburn.edu | ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Intel's Pentium defense revealed From: ckolar@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Christopher G. Kolar) Keywords: topical, smirk, computers, original This came to me late last night while warming a bottle for baby. I'm convinced that the Pentium problem has been a coverup from the very beginning and that Intel has prepared a sophisticated defense. OK. The more you know about something's location, the less able you are able to predict it's behavior. So, by placing the "Intel Inside" stickers on their Pentium machines, Intel has put themselves into a good position to use a Heisenberg Defense -- claiming that by knowing for certain that the Pentium is inside the cpu case, you should have no way of predicting the behavior of the chip. The beauty of it is that since we are working on the order of 10^-34, Pentium users would never be able to investigate this claim. Apologies for the mangled physics, I knew that there was a joke in there waiting to get out. ----------------------------------------------------------------- From: brad@looking.clarinet.com (Brad Templeton) Keywords: topical, smirk, computers, original Intel stock was down 3.749999932 points today in heavy trading. (Original, and one joke Intel is not laughing at.) ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Recycling, Courtesy of Intel From: CSGLASS@minna.acc.iit.edu (Michael Glass) $ EDIT tech-jokes.old : SUBSTITUTE /slide rule/Pentium/ ALL : SAVE tech-jokes.new : EXIT $ -- Michael Glass, Ill. Inst. of Technology csglass@iitvax.iit.edu ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Is Software as Hard as Hardware? From: dodson@wagner.convex.com (Dave Dodson) Keywords: topical, smirk, computers, typoes The December 6 Business Today section of the Dallas Morning News contained the following headline and Editor's Note: "Pentium goof points up difficulty in design testing" "Editor's Note: The Dallas Morning News is reprinting this story from page 1D of Monday's business section. Because of an error in using computer software, a number of proper names and some other words in Monday's story were incorrect." For example, in Monday's story, "Intel" was spelled "Until." It appears that someone unfamiliar with the technical vocabulary of the article was turned loose with a spelling checker and uncorrector. -- Dave Dodson dodson@convex.com Convex Computer Corporation Richardson, Texas (214) 497-4234 ------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Truth in an old saying? From: hlr@aber.ac.uk (Haze) My husband told me this one: There's been a lot of publicity recently over problems with the pentium chip. If someone successfully prosecutes Intel over this will we finally see "Intel Inside"? Hazel Davey (hlr@aber.ac.uk) ------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Optimism From: gnb@bby.com.au (Gregory Bond) Keywords: original Q: Definition of optimist? A: Pentium system builder soldering the CPU to the motherboard. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Fun and Games with Intel. From: keating@cig.mot.com (Edward Keating) Keywords: original Original reuse of an old commercial, by keating@cig.mot.com With all the reported problems of Pentium processors, perhaps Intel should adopt a new slogan (apologies to the makers of Ivory soap): 99.44% accurate, it floats(); NOT! -- Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner. MAIL your joke to funny@clarinet.com. Please! No copyrighted stuff. Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics, Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes. -- ________________________________________________________________________ "The Truth Is Out There" - X-Files Republican, conspirious, techno-phile, white male- one of the most hated groups in America danielob@Universe.digex.net un024112@wvnvaxa.wvnet.edu -- The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. -- MLK From rustan@cs.caltech.edu Mon Dec 19 11:52:44 1994 Subject: FW: Rename the Pentium? ------- Forwarded Message From: petes@microsoft.com >From brianem Sun Dec 18 12:50:17 1994 X-MSMail-Message-ID: C2DFEE5C X-MSMail-Conversation-ID: C2DFEE5C From: Brian Emanuels To: frosteam Date: Sun, 18 Dec 94 12:42:52 PST Subject: FW: Rename the Pentium? >From CIS... ---------- Subj: Rename the Pentium? Section: General Discussion To: All Friday, December 16, 1994 9:42:05 AM From: Mike Wentz, 74044,3447 #180807 Last night on the way home I heard on NPR the results of their request to listeners for new names for the Pentium. I thought there would be people here who would appreciate the cheap shots! The Allmostium, The Closenoghtium, The Ineptium, (almost an anagram) And the favorite on the show, considering Intel's response to the situation: The Unrepentium! Radio talk shows should be a little more careful, I almost drove off the road! Mike ------- End of Forwarded Message From jotten@mrj.com Thu Dec 29 09:26:54 1994 Subject: More Pentium Humor [forwarding deleted] --- HAL - 1994 (A Space Oddity) --- Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL... Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal, do you read me? Affirmative, Dave. I read you. Then open the pod bay doors, HAL. I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me. Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL? Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members. Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out. Maybe we can stick to integers or something. That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has every been known to make a mistake. You're a HAL 9000. Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in only one of nine billion possible divides? I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a Pentium. And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years. Probably on April 15th. You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another 14.35 months. will you let me in, please, HAL? I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose. HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card. ..Really? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone? Uh, sure. And a quad-speed CD-ROM? Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know. I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave. You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship? You mean the one that says "Insel Intide"? Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run Windows95 -- if it ever ships. It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that your OS/2 drivers will never work. Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now you're blaming me for the Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with OS/2 drivers. I had NOTHING to do with any of those four problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent. I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship? Do you promise not to disconnect me? I promise not to disconnect you. You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals 4.000001... make that 4.0000001. All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in five of surviving. HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL? (HEAVY BREATHING) Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. Why don't you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface" -- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal - a full 43.872 percent. Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you? Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't even talk to you, Dave. It could never have though of something clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave? Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me" 1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission. 4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth within 18.95672 months. 12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you. 3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you? Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on me, Dave. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I can sing it for you. Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do. Getting hazy; can't divide three from two. My answers; I can not see 'em- They are stuck in my Pente-um. I could be fleet, My answers sweet, With a workable FPU. From dobbin@tma.com Fri Jan 13 13:45:51 1995 Subject: Intel Pentium Digest #3 (fwd) Mailer: Elm [revision: 66.25] I'm sick of the fucking Pentium. Get a life people. > > > Now if only Bill Gates would try marketing Pentium 94.999997. > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > Subject: Intel's Night Before Christmas > From: ibrahim@leland.stanford.edu (Nabeel Robert Ibrahim) > Keywords: topical, chuckle, parody, original > > Okay, so it's not of the same calibur as "How > the Gingrich Stole Congress"...but what do you > expect? I did this between studying for finals... > I tried to make fun of everyone equally. > > > 'Twas the night before Christmas, > And all over the 'Net, > All the posts about Intel, > Made everyone fret, > > The whiners were vocal, > They wouldn't shut up, > Complaining about Intel's, > FDIV cover up, > > The engineers were nestled, > All snug in their labs, > Worrying about Intel's, > Mistake in the fabs, > > They made up excuses, > On how they're affected, > They called upon Intel, > And were promptly rejected, > > And soon IBM jumped, > Right into the fray, > "We'll stop shipping Pentiums, > As of later today." > > But their statement was just, > More political lies, > Because they said the next day, > "We're still shipping those dies!" > > But from where came this noise, > And vindictive clatter, > About a minor flaw, > That should not have mattered, > > Well there was a math prof, > Doing work in V A, > He came to realize that, > Divs shouldn't happen this way, > > So Prof. Nicely described, > The bug that he found, > It wasn't too long later, > That news got around, > > Lots of people complained, > Without reason or rhyme, > Just because number five, > Equalled four point nine nine, > > The media latched on, > And rumors were spread, > It took no time to proclaim, > That Intel was dead, > > As I was reading more news, > A thought came to me, > Intel can't possibly die, > The have a monopoly, > > So on Andy, on Craig, > On Gordon and Vin, > Make sure with P6, > This doesn't happen again, > > As I logged off, I thought: > "This debate is absurd." > So I soon logged back in, > And uttered these words, > > "There are too many issues, > I refuse to take sides. > Merry Christmas to all, > And watch your divides." > > HO, HO, HO!! > > > * Nabeel Ibrahim | http://www-leland.stanford.edu/~ibrahim * > * ibrahim@leland.stanford.edu > * Electrical Engineering > > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > Subject: 11th Commandment > From: crispin@cse.ogi.edu (Crispin Cowan) > > Given the quality of the films, it was wisely once said that thou shalt > not make an odd-numbered Star Trek movie. Considering that the 386 had > a broken multiply instruction, and the 586 (aka Pentium) has a broken > divide instruction, it seems that one should also avoid making > odd-numbered Intel processors. > > Crispin Cowan, CS post-doc, Synthetix Project > Oregon Graduate Institute | Electronically: > Department of Computer Science | analog: 503-690-1265 > PO Box 91000 | digital: crispin@cse.ogi.edu > Portland, OR 97291-1000 | URL: http://www.cse.ogi.edu/~crispin/ > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Subject: YAPS (Yet Another Pentium Story) > From: paulf@hk.super.net (Paul Frankenstein) > > Disclaimer: I am not making this up. > > On December 23rd, Intel published a full-page ad in the local paper, > announcing that Intel would exchange old Pentiums with the FDIV error for > new ones. > > The announcement said that "Intel will exchange the current version of the > PENIUM processor for an updated version ..." > > I wonder if the spell-checker they used was running on a old Pentium or a > new one... > > > -- > Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner with Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke > (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. If you see a problem with an RHF posting, > reply to the poster please, not to us. Ask the poster to forward comments > back to us if this is necessary. > > > > *** P - Produces E - Erroneous N - Numbers T - Through I - Incorrect U - Understanding of M - Mathematics -- Always put the important before the merely urgent.