REAL PROGRAMMERS ---------------- - Real programmers are a figment of the imagination. - Real programmers detest candy-ass architects. Candy-ass architects won't allow Execute instructions to address another Execute. Real programmers despise petty restrictions. - Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clean desk. - Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. - Real programmers don't bring paper bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche. - Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. - Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for wimps who can't read the listings of the object deck. - Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts, and look how much good it did them. - Real programmers don't drive cars, or any other complicated mechanical contrivance. Walking or bicycling are okay. If a real programmer's bicycle breaks down he has a technician fix it. - Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is okay, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. - Real programmers don't write applications programs, they program right down to the BARE METAL. Applications programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. - Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be written in one line. - Real Programmers don't write in APL. Any fool can be obscure in APL. - Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually no programmers write in BASIC after the age of twelve. - Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. - Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. - Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only faggot programs contain more parentheses than actual code. - Real programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinky computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories. - Real programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for gutless people who can't decide whether they want COBOL or FORTRAN. - Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get. - Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives. - Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can tell which jobs are running from the rate of popping. - Real programmers never grow old. They suffer from burnouts, monumental crashes, or bugs in their DNA. - Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 am, it's because they were up all night. - Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to think big. - Real programmers write executable code directly with a binary editor. - Real programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food. - Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. - Real Programmers know better than the users what they need. - Real Programmers think structured programming is a communist plot. - Real Programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for manager's toadies. Real Programmers like to keep their managers in suspense. - Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or reading Net News. - Real Programmers do it middle-out. - Real Programmers enjoy machine coding Pascal compilers for their micros which they improve but never use. - Real Programmers enjoy getting CP/M to work on 370 machines and MVS on their ZX81's. - Real Programmers write their own assemblers, preferably in LISP. - Real Programmers never get annoyed by security systems, they turn off the RACF bits and leave unsigned messages in the security data sets. - Real Programmers never backup their sources; after all, they will have changed tommorrow.