How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using:

     The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have
stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to
remember which language you're using.  This guide is offered as a public
service to help programmers in such dilemmas.

C:         You shoot yourself in the foot.

Assembly:  You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk.  The system
           administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot.  After
           a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself
           in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting
           at everyone in sight.

APL:       You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you 
	   don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the
           hell happened.

C++:       You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
           them all in the foot.  Providing emergency medical care
           is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies
           and which are just pointing at others and saying, "that's
           me, over there."

Ada:       If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the
           United States Department of Defense will kidnap you,
           stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the
           soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."

Pascal:    You try and try, but you just can't shoot yourself in the foot.

Modula/2:  After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
           in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Modula-3:  You find that there is no way to shoot yourself in the
           foot, unless you're in an UNSAFE module.

sh,
csh,etc.:  You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours
           reading man pages before giving up.  You then shoot the computer
           and switch to C.

Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
           system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
           workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
           terminal.

FORTRAN (gag):
        You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
        of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat.  If you run
        out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-
        processing ability.

Algol:
        You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket.  The musket is
        esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent
        medic in the emergency room.

COBOL:
        USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
        ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN
        return HANDGUN to HOLSTER.  Check whether shoelace needs
        to be retied.

BASIC:
        Shoot self in foot with water pistol.  On big systems, continue
        until entire lower body is waterlogged.

VISUAL BASIC:
        You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you are having so much
        fun, you don't care.

PL/I:
        You consume all available system resources, including all the
        offline bullets.  The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles
        its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and
        drops the original one on your foot.

SNOBOL:
        You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to
        be a bullet.  The act of shooting the original foot then
        changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).

Lisp:
        You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
        which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
        with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
        gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

Scheme:
        You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
        which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
        with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
        gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
        ...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

English:
        You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.


Prolog: You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the bullet, failing
        to find its mark, backtracks into the gun which then explodes in
        your face.

Forth:  yourself foot shoot.
         
DBase:  You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowingly that by the
        time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why  you shot 
        yourself anyway.

DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the gun was
        a poorly-designed granade and the whole building blows up.

CLIPPER:  You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that you 
        can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that the 
        bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the mail
        _REAL_SOON_NOW_.

SQL:    You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when it 
        returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the attachment at
        the end of your leg.

CLU:    You send your foot out with detailed instructions of how you 
        want it shot.  Months later it is returned to you deep fried.

Windows: You select "Foot" from the "Shoot" menu and the mouse is dropped off
        the table on to your foot.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE: For those who like to load their own rounds before shooting
        themselves in the foot.