PC/Computing Nov. 1992

Your Best Virus Jokes:

THE TOP TEN:
Federal Bureaucrat Virus Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to
be the most important part of the computer.

Dan Quayle Virus Their is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just
can't figyour out watt.

Gallup Virus Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 margin of error).

Paul Revere Virus This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack-once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Politically Correct Virus Never calls itself a "virus" but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Right to Life Virus Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how
old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see
a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus Activates every component in your system, just before
the whole thing quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Oprah Winfrey Virus Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and
then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T Virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.
The MCI Virus Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

THE TWO CONSENSUS WINNERS:
Ted Turner Virus Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

THE BEST OF THE REST (FINALISTS):
Dan Quayle Virus Prevents your system from spawning any child processes
without joining into a binary network.

Government Economist Virus Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.

Terry Randall Virus Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas Virus Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve Virus Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Jeffrey Dahmer Virus Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

Warren Beatty Virus Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching
itself to younger or newer files.

Michael Jackson Virus Hard to identify because it is constantly
altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will
trash your car.

Congressional Virus Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

PBS Virus Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then
self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.

Ollie North Virus Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Nike Virus Just does it.

Sears Virus Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus Nobody can find it.

Congressional Virus Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Kevorkian Virus Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Imelda Marcos Virus Sings you a song (slightly off-key) on boot up,
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Willard Scott Virus Keeps track of all family birthdays and renders
verbose birthday wishes each time you request weather predictions.

Star Trek Virus Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Healthcare Virus Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush Virus (Japanese strain) Eats some of your files, then
immediately regurgitates them.

George Bush Virus It starts by boldly stating "Read my text...  No new
files!" on screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard
drive with new files, and then blames it on the Congress virus.

Quantum Leap Virus One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a
Macintosh, then a Nintendo.

Cleveland Indians Virus Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD Virus It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "selfdefense."

Chicago Cubs Virus Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in
the reviews, but you still love it.