ON THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME... BY AGNES MCHOLSTEIN DECEMBER 14, 1985 DEAREST JOHN, I WENT TO THE DOOR TODAY AND THE POSTMAN DELIVERED A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE. WHAT A THOROUGHLY DELIGHTFUL GIFT! I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE SURPRISED DARLING! WITH DEEPEST LOVE, AGNES DECEMBER 15, 1985 DEAREST JOHN, TODAY THE POSTMAN BROUGHT YOUR VERY SWEET GIFT. JUST IMAGINE, TWO TURTLE DOVES! I'M JUST DELIGHTED AT YOUR VERY THOUGHTFUL GIFT. THEY ARE TRULY ADORABLE! WITH ALL MY LOVE, YOUR AGNES DECEMBER 16, 1985 DEAREST JOHN, OH! AREN'T YOU THE EXTRAVAGANT ONE! BUT I REALLY MUST PROTEST, I DON'T DESERVE SUCH GENEROSITY. THREE FRENCH HENS. MY GOODNESS. YOU ARE JUST A DARLING OF COURSE, BUT I MUST INSIST, YOU'VE BEEN TOO KIND! LOVE, AGNES DECEMBER 17, 1985 DEAR JOHN, TODAY THE POSTMAN DELIVERED FOUR CALLING BIRDS. NOW REALLY, THEY ARE PLAINLY BEAUTIFUL, BUT DON'T YOU THINK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? YOU'RE BEING TOO ROMANTIC DEAR. AFFECTIONATELY, AGNES DECEMBER 18, 1985 DEAREST DARLING JOHN, WHAT A SURPRISE! TODAY THE POSTMAN DELIVERED FIVE GOLDEN RINGS! ONE FOR EVERY FINGER! YOU'RE JUST IMPOSSIBLE DARLING, BUT OH HOW I LOVE IT! FRANKLY ALL THOSE SQUARKING BIRDS WERE BEGINNING TO GET ON MY NERVES, I AM GLAD YOU THOUGHT OF SOMETHING DIFFERENT. ALL MY LOVE, AGNES DECEMBER 19, 1985 DEAR JOHN, WHEN I OPENED MY DOOR, THERE WERE ACTUALLY SIX GEESE A-LAYING ON MY FRONT STEPS. SO YOU'RE BACK TO THE BIRDS AGAIN, HUH? THOSE GEESE ARE DEAR. BUT WHERE WILL I KEEP THEM? THE NEIGHBORS ARE COMPLAINING, AND I CAN'T SLEEP THROUGH ALL THE RACKET. PLEASE STOP DEAR. CORDIALLY, AGNES DECEMBER 20, 1985 JOHN, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH YOU AND THOSE FUCKING BIRDS!? SEVEN SWANS A-SWIMMING!! WHAT KIND OF GODDAM JOKE IS THIS!!?? THERE'S BIRD SHIT EVERYWHERE! THE LITTLE BASTARDS NEVER SHUT UP, I CAN'T SLEEP ANYMORE, AND I'M A NERVOUS WRECK. IT'S NOT FUNNY YOU WEIRDO, SO STOP WITH THE FUCKING BIRDS! SINCERELY, AGNES DECEMBER 21, 1985 O.K. BUSTER, THE BIRDS WERE BAD ENOUGH, WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS A-MILKING? IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH, THEY HAD TO BRING THEIR GODDAM COWS!! THERE IS SHIT ALL OVER THE LAWN, AND I CAN'T MOVE IN MY OWN HOUSE! JUST LAY OFF ME SMARTASS, OR YOU'LL BE SORRY! AGNES DECEMBER 22, 1985 HEY SHITHEAD, WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND OF SADIST!! NOW THERE'S NINE PIPERS-PLAYING! CHRIST! DO THEY PLAY! THEY'VE NEVER STOPPED CHASING THOSE MAIDS SINCE THEY GOT HERE! THE COWS ARE GETTING UPSET AND THEY'RE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS ARE GETTING UP A PETITION TO EVICT ME, AND I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND! YOU'LL GET YOURS! AGNES DECEMBER 23, 1985 YOU ROTTEN PRICK!!! NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING! BUT THEY'RE NOT LADIES! THOSE BROADS ARE HAVING AN ORGY WITH THE PIPERS! NOW THE COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! MY LIVING ROOM IS A RIVER OF SHIT, AND THE BUILDING COMMISSIONER HAS SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE CAUSE WHY THE HOUSE SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED! AND I CAN'T THINK OF A REASON! I'M SICKING THE POLICE ON YOU CREEP! ONE WHO MEANS IT! DECEMBER 24, 1985 LISTEN FUCKHEAD! WHAT'S WITH THE ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THOSE MAIDS AND LADIES!!?? SOME OF THOSE BROADS WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN! THOSE PIPERS RAN THROUGH THE MAIDS AND HAVE BEEN COMMITTING SODOMY WITH THE COWS. ATLEAST THE BIRDS ARE QUIET; THEY WERE TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. I HOPE YOU ARE SATISFIED, YOU ROTTEN VICIOUS SWINE! YOUR SWORN ENEMY, AGNES LAW OFFICES OF BADGER, BINDER, & IRWIN 30 KNAVE STREET CHICAGO, ILLINOIS DECEMBER 25, 1985 DEAR SIR, THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LATEST GIFT OF TWELVE FIDDLERS-FIDDLING WHICH YOU HAVE SEEN FIT TO INFLICT ON OUR CLIENT, ONE AGNES MCHOLSTEIN. THE DESTRUCTION OF COURSE WAS TOTAL. IF YOU ATTEMPT TO REACH MS. MCHOLSTEIN AT HAPPY DAZE SANATARIUM, THE ATTENDANTS HAVE INSTRUCTIONS TO SHOOT YOU ON SIGHT. PLEASE DIRECT ALL CORRESPONDENCE TO THIS OFFICE IN THE FUTURE. WITH THIS LETTER PLEASE FIND ATTACHED A WARRENT FOR YOUR ARREST. MERRY CHRISTMAS SMARTASS!! (SNICKER, SNICKER) CORDIALLY, BADGER, BINDER, & IRWIN