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From: rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu (Robert L Pack)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.mwc,rec.humor
Subject: Married With Children quotes update
Message-ID: <11715@blue.cis.pitt.edu>
Date: 17 May 93 21:12:53 GMT
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Followup-To: alt.tv.mwc
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"A list songs and quotes from FOX's "Married With Children"

Send additions and  corrections to Bob Pack ( rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu )

For those who don't know yet, there is a newsgroup dedicated to
mwc ( alt.tv.mwc )

Special thanks to Dean Adams for his program guide that filled in the
holes in the songs. Read either rec.arts.tv or alt.tv.mwc for his
program guide ( an awesome resource for all mwc addicts ).

I've now classified the shows according to episode number to
make it easier to keep track of the updates

bob

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Bud's Grandmaster B nicknames from the show   <== I need more!!!!!
-------------------------------------------
Grandfather B  (Al)
Grand Bastard B (Kelly)  -- from Jill Leslie Goodall (jg5k+@andrew.cmu.com)
Grasshopper B(Al)        -- from Jacob Lauritzen (jql91@kom.auc.dk)
Gas Passer B(Al)         -- from Jacob Lauritzen (jql91@kom.auc.dk)
Grand Bastard B (Kelly?) -- from Russ Boucher (1910694ps380@sscl.uwo.ca)
Gas Passer B (Al)	 -- from Russ Boucher (1910694ps380@sscl.uwo.ca)
Grinchmaster B (TV host) -- from Ronny H Arild (ronnya@stud.cs.uit.no)
Dustbuster B (Bud's girlfriend?)  -- from Ronny H Arild (ronnya@stud.cs.uit.no)
Butt Wagger B (Kelly)
Grandmaster Virgin (Kelly)
Thumb Sucker B (Kelly)   -- from Peter Jurgensen (pju@vision.auc.dk)
Grand Flasher B (?)      -- from Peter Jurgensen (pju@vision.auc.dk)
Bed Wetter B (Kelly)     -- from Peter Jurgensen (pju@vision.auc.dk)
Grave Digger B		 -- from Keith Lim ( chil@sfu.ca )
Bellringer B		 -- from Keith Lim ( chil@sfu.ca )
Crossdressr B (Kelly)
Grand Pappy B (Kelly)
Abdominizer B (Kelly)



0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000


Shows Added / Update
--------------------
Unclassified
Episode 204: Al 'steals' $1 million
Episode 213: It's a Bundy Christmas
Episode 303: Peg sees Elvis
Episode 312: Career Day at school
Episode 515: A man's castle
Episode 608: God's shoes
Episode 624: Lower Uncton, Pt 1
Episode 625: Lower Uncton, Pt 2
Episode 626: Lower Uncton, Pt 3
Episode 723: Al retires
Episode 724: Al's Dodge is stolen



Unclassified 			--- which shows are these from ?
------------
	Al:  " I miss my bowl, Peg."
	Peg: " Oh, it's not you're fauly, honey...you're just groggy in
	       the morning."
	Al:  " Not that bowl, you whinning, ninny of a woman."
			-- from John Rinck
			   (rinck@ucsee.berkeley.edu)

	Al: " Gee your honour if I knew my wife was dead do you think 
	      I'd be in this bar having this beer?"
			-- from LUke
			   (EENG6868@RYEVM.RYERSON.CA)

	Bud :         " Mom, I know that Kelly is daddy's daughter, but me,
	                I was just a one-night stand with some cool guy right?"
	Kelly :       " I heard that! I'm not daddy's either!"
	Peg :         " Children, children! You're both daddy's kids..."
	< Bud & Kelly hang their heads and walk away >
			-- from Mahesh V Tripunitara
			   (tripunit@algol.cs.psu.edu)

	Al: " Gee your honour. I didn't know the shotgun was loaded!!!!"
			-- from LUke
			   (EENG6868@RYEVM.RYERSON.CA)

	<Peg passing on these words of wisdom to Marcie>
	Peg: " My mother once told me, 'Why feed a man once when you
     	       can feed yourself twice.'"
			-- from Prashanth
	    		   (pk@earth.sarnoff.com)





Episode 204: Al 'steals' $1 million
-----------------------------------
	<Al's all alone at home>
	Al:  " Ahh, it feels like I'm in...<Peg walks in>...hell."
	Peg: " How was your day, honey?"
	Al:  " It was fine up until now."

	Kelly: " Billy's dad...just got a Porsche."
	Bud:   " That's the thrid one on the block: Porsche, Porsches, Dodge,
	 	 Porsche."
	Al:    " We also have wage earners, wage earners...<he looks at 
		 family>...leetches, wage earners."

	Al:  " Did I tell you kids I love you today?"
	Bud: " No, dad."
	Al:  " Think about that on the way upstairs."

	Steve: " Al, you know cars. Should I get the Volvo, the Baby Benz, or
		 the BMW?"
	Al:    " The BMW is a fine car but, if you drive into a brick wall,
		 the Mercedes has air bags so...get the BMW."

	Al:  " Everybody is making money."
	Peg: " No they aren't...you're not."

	<Steve thinks of jail>
	Steve: " Al, if I'm going to be playing in the shower with maniacs,
		 you're going to be passing the soap."

	Steve: " As soon as we're behind bars, Al, I'm gonna kill you. If I
		 can't do it myself, I'm gonna make sure my boyfriend's bigger
		 than your's."

	<Door bell rings>
	Steve: " There's the long arm of the law."
	<Marcie comes in>
	Al:    " No, it's the frog legs of your wife."

	Radio Announcer: " And in local news, tragedy was averted when a 
			   sobbing woman and her 2 kids were talked off the
			   roof of the Sears Tower in what was thought to be
			   Chicago's first family suicide attempt in history.
			   The woman was reported as saying,'Shoes. He sells
			   shoes.'"




Episode 213: It's a Bundy Christmas 
-----------------------------------
	<A girl scout is trying to sell cookies to Al>
	Girl: " Its food, Bundy.  You can't tell me you're not hungry.  
		My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt. "
	Al:   " You go tell your daddy that you have the mailman's eyes!"
			-- from Dave Minsek 
			   (minsek@chen1.harvard.edu)

	Bud:   " Can we go to the new mall?"
	Al:    " That mall is killing your father."
	Kelly: " I thought mom is."

	<Al has a bandage on his hand>
	Al: " Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm
	      clock should be?"

	<Coroner tries to take dead Santa out of house & kids are there>
	Coroner: " Oh-oh"
	Al:      " What's the matter now? The Easter Bunny hang himself
		   in the front yard"

	<Al's playing Santa>
	Al:  " What do you want?"
	Kid: " A horse"
	Al:  " Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the
	       neighborhood except those nice Bundy's...I'll get you a horse
	       and if it isn't there in the morning, it's becasue your mom
	       hunted it down and killed it."





Episode 303: Peg sees Elvis
---------------------------
	Peg: " I saw Elvis."
	Al:  " There's only one dead guy in this mall and you're looking
	       at him."

	Fat Lady: " Your ad said 'Shoes to fit every foot.'"
	Al:	  " What we have here is not what Webster defines as feet.
		    Face it, we have rib roasts with nails."

	Al: " As I was vacuuming my shirt this morning, I said,'I must have
	      a wife 'cos I don't care.'"

	<The Bundy house turns into an Elvis shrine>
	Al:    " Go to your room."
	Kelly: " I can't. It's our 'Heartbreak Hotel.'"

	Peg: " Here it is, my time in the sun and you're <Al> a total
	       eclipse."

	Steve: " I'm suing you. My wife won've leave your house."
	Al:    " Neither will mine but they threw my case out of court."

	Steve: " You know what we say at the bank,'When opportunity knocks,
		 that's us foreclosing.'"

	Marcie: " Elvis was a sex symbol. With men today being the way 
		  they are, it's no wonder we look towards the dead for
		  excitement."

	<Peg folds Al's shirts>
	Marcie: " Look at the stain! It's the King!"
	Peg:    " It's a good one but not one of Al's best."
	Marcie: " No, look at it. Al sweated Elvis."
	
	Al: " Now that Elvis is in our presence, let's do something he
	      liked to do to honor him: let's eat....No, I'll do something
	      Al Bundy likes to do < he grab's paper and heads towards 
	      bathroom>...Oh, I'll let you know if I conjure up any
	      superstars."

	<Marcie check Al's arm pits>
	Al: " Peg, just like I said on our honeymoon,'What's going on
	      here?'"

	Al: " Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?"

	Steve: " Why do women see Elvis? At least men see something
		 useful like UFO's."
	Al:    " Men see UFo's because they have to. It's our way
		 out. It's the only thing that keeps me going. Hopefully
		 it will be on garbage day. A beautiful Martian babe with 
		 3 hooters will come out. She'll say,'I can't speak. I 
		 have no parents and I don't know what good sex is.'"
	Steve: " What's the third hooter for?"
	Al:    " It's on the back for dancing."



Episode 312: Career Day at school
---------------------------------
	Marcie: " I rememebr when I was young. I wanted a horse. So I kept
		  talking about stirups. So my mom too me to the
		  gynacologist...whenever I see a Western I feel the urge
		  to scootch to the end of the table."

	Kelly: " Mom, you've done a lot for me. Remember when I was 7 and
		 Bobby like Terry just 'cos she was a blonde, you went right
		 out and got me my first bottle of bleach."

	Peg:   " Honey, what's your real hair color?"
	Kelly: " I don't know. What's your real hair color?"
	Peg:   " I don't know. It's times like these I wished we took 
		 pictures."

	<Al & Bud are staring at awesome babe>
	Al:  " You're going to open a lemonade stand. There's nothing like a
	       cool glass of lemonade on a hot day."
	Bud: " But it's 12 degrees out."
	Al:  " Then why are we sweating?"

	Kelly: " Mom, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I want to do
		 nothing, I want to be nothing."

	<Bud is frozen>
	Al: " You're cold. You're beginning to stoop. You earned a quater and
	      the women took it from you. Congratulations, Bud, today you are
	      a man."


 

Episode 515: A man's castle
---------------------------
	Bud: " You don't know what the guys say about me.  
	       They say: Bud, Bud, alone he'll sit, 
	       Bud, Bud, he'll touch no..."
    	Al:  " I don't wanna talk about you!"
			-- from Donald L.C. Blewett
			   (hatcher@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca)

	Al: " Back then, mother meant cooking but then gay meant happy."

	Al:  " Bud, take your sister for a walk and don't tie her to a
	       hydrant and go for a sode like last time. Just because she
	       can't think doesn't mean she can't feel."
	Peg: " It would help for you to be seen with a pretty girl."
	Bud: " Yea, right, They'll just think I payed for her like everyone
	       else."

	Al:  " Take all your clothes off."
	Peg: " You finally want to do it?"
	Al:  " Since I'm not goint to eat, I need something to kill my 
	       appetite."

	Al: " You spent $2000 on decorating school. It must have been my
	      fault, I didn't habe to say 'I do.' I could've just taken one
	      of your uncle's shotgun blasts in my back."

	Al:  " Peg, if you want this house to look better, dust. If you want it
	       to smell better, cook. If you want it to be happy, leave. But
	       don't touch this house. I'm not a man happy with change."
	Peg: " That explains your job and your underwear."


Episode 608: God's Shoes
------------------------
	Al: " A fat woman came into the store and said she was a size 5.
	      I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she
	      paniced, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging
	      me behind. Thank god a stick of butter fell from her purse
	      and I was able to grease my thumb and escape."
	
	Kelly: " How do you feel, daddy."
	Al:    " Like a guy who just feel 2 stories: grateful not to be	
		 with your mom."

	Al:    " Why didn't you dial 911?"
	Kelly: " I couldn't remember the number."

	<Al saw God>
	Bud: " Maybe we can get you a gig going 'Coocoo (?) for Coconuts.'"

	<Al recites the Shoe Commandments>
	Al:  " Thou shall have shoes with toes stitched in. Thou shall have
	       socks attached to the shoes. Thou shall have other things
	       coming forthwith."

	<Al's on weirdo talk show>
	Marcie:    " This is what you booked him on?"
	Jefferson: " Every time I called Oprah, it seemed to be lunch."

	Kelly: " Sure dad's idea might be stupid. But so was the mood ring,
		 the pet rock, and NBC's Sunday night line up."



Episode 624: Lower Uncton, Pt 1
-------------------------------
	Fat Lady:     " Are ye done with my horse?"
	Seamus Bundy: " I had to send out for parts to reinforce his feet and
			to hang a sign around his neck saying,' I'm with
			fatso.'"

	Fat Lady:     " You're tongue is strong."
	Seamus Bundy: " Not as strong as yon seams in yon dress keeping yon
			belly off yon feet."

	Fat Lady:     " You and all the male Bundys will be hated and Lower
			Uncton will be forever in darkness."
	Seamus Bundy: " What are you going to do? Float overhead."

	Bud:   " I'm going to get me a handful of British babe. After years
		 of drinking warm ale, they're gonna find out that nothing
		 beats a Bud."
	Kelly: " Oh, don't forget that the inflatable babes blow up on the
		 left side."

	<The Bundy's are on there way over to England>
	Pilot: " Would the passenger in 24B <Al> please put his shoes back
	 	 on. I'm choking up here."
	Peg:   " Alllll"
	Al:    " Oh please, the show the movie 'Dutch' and they say I stink."

	Jefferson: " I put all our traveller's checks in our luggage. I 
		     didn't want any unsightly bulges in my jacket."
	Marcie:    " Soon, there won't be any in your pants, either."

	Peg: " This is 'Speaker's Square.' It's where people go to hear any
	       idiot spout off about nothing."
	<Al is heard addressing a crowd>
	Al:    " I hate women. I don't like 'em. You're English but even you
	         can't like women. It's like when you're watching sports. 
	         That's the one time that they decide to plant their, what 
	         you call bums and ask you 'Remember when we were in that 
	         restaurant 18 years ago. Was the waitress pretty?'...I gotta 
	         go 'cos I see the wife coming. Now, I don't have a solution 
	         but could I get a 'Woo, I hate women?'"
	Crowd: " Woo, I hate women."
	Al:    " Oh, am I alone in hating the French."
	Crowd: " No!"
	Al:    " I though not."

	Jefferson: " I though Michael Caine was on the 5 pund note?"
	Marcie:    " It's Queen Elizabeth."
	Jafferson: " Just my luck to run into the one person who could
		     tell the difference."



Episode 625: Lower Uncton, Pt 2
-------------------------------
	Peg: < to Al >" You know, except for the kids and you being here, this
	     is like a second honeymoon."

	<A family screams at the Bundy's and runs away>
	Peg: " We're only Americans. Why's they run?"
	Al:  " They must be French. It takes so little."

	


Episode 626: Lower Uncton, Pt 3
-------------------------------
	<Al raises arms and crowd screams>
	Peg: " They'll stop screaming when you lower your arms, most people
	       do."

	Al: <about women>" ...They'll eat up your money. They'll kill your
	    will to live. You've heard of them. But kids, just say no to
	    marriage."

	Customs Officer: " Do you have anything to declare?"
	Peg:		 " Yes, my husbands an idiot."

	Bud: " I can't believe that my life depends on dad's ability to
	       joust."
	Peg: " It's better than his ability to earn a living."

	<Al and guy are in chains in jail>
	Al:  " What do they serve you in here?"
	Guy: " Bread and water."
	Al:  " Then it's truly the best vacation I've ever had."




Episode 723: Al retires
-----------------------
	Al: " Marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another kid."

	Al:  " I don't know what to do."
	Peg: " That hasn't stopped you before."

	<Al's with a fat lady named Mrs. Blaub>
	Al:       " Mrs Blob..."
	Fat Lady: " That's 'Blaub.'"
	Al        : I know you're name. It was a descriptive term."



Episode 724: Al's Dodge is stolen
---------------------------------
	<Al has marks on face>
	Al:  " I can't go into work. I have chicken pocs."
	Peg: " That's just iodine. You trired that trick on our wedding
	       night."

	Al:  " Somebody call the police."
	Bud: " But the call costs more than the car."
	Al:  " Yea, abd it costs more that the condom I should have used on
	       the night you were conceived."

	<Al is on phone to police>
	Al: " I'd like to report a kidnapping...a description..It's 4 feet
	      tall, belches smoke out the rear and weighs 2 tons...no, it's
	      not Oprah!...no, it's not Delta Burke! Who would call and
	      complain?"

	Kelly: " I'm gonna miss the Dodge. I went to school in it. I grew up
		 in it. I felt like I was born in it."
	Peg:   " You sure were conceived in it."

	Al:     " Marcie, how can you be so unfeeling. Do you know what it's
		  like to wake up and find something missing. Sure you do,
		  every morning when you open your pajama top."
	Marcie: " Or your pajama bottoms.
	Al:     " Yea, right. Peg set her straight."
	<Peg doesn't say a word>

	Al:        " How and I gonna tell him <insurance guy> that I forgot
		     about all that stuff?"
	Jefferson: " Tell him you had a lot on your mind. How's he gonna know
		     your mind's as empty as your trunk was?"
	Al:	   " How's he gonna know I'm an idiot?"

	Bud:   " Kelly, what are you watching Spanish television?"
	Kelly: " Spanish? I though it was just some English words I didn't
	     	 understand."

	<Al comes in wearing a suit>
	Kelly: " Wow daddy, you look good enough to bury."
	Peg:   " Al, you look great. I'd marry you all over again if I didn't
		 know it was you...but I do."
	
	<Al gets old car back>
	Al:  " Getting a new car is like trading you <Peg> in for a blonde
	       with shiny, factory warranteed hooters. Sure, the first few 
	       times you ride it, it's fun. But in the long run, and this is
	       the part that depresses me more every day, you're the one I
	       want."
	Peg: " Oh, Al!"
	Al:  " But don't touch me."
Directions:
	For new songs or shows, just add them in chronological order


	For updates, delete the old copy of the song / show and then
	add the new one to the correct place.

If you'd rather just recieve the whole copy instead of just the updates
let me know

bob


-- 
Bob Pack      			       rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu
Dept. of Electrical Engineering        Currently, 6th in the
University of Pittsburgh	       EC123 tipping competition!!!
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania  15260    USA

PittCAD Design Group	 The keeper of the MWC quotes

EEFL: Pittsburgh LambdaChi's ( LCA -- Colonial Division )
"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."