Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!decwrl!olivea!charnel!pberry From: pberry@ecst.csuchico.edu (Patrick L Berry) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: if you are alive you need this. Date: 17 May 1993 22:09:11 GMT Organization: California State University, Chico Lines: 167 Distribution: world Message-ID: <1t92e7INN5u1@charnel.ecst.csuchico.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: cscihp.ecst.csuchico.edu I found this the other day, enjoy... No Spitting A Concise Guide to Life BY Hal Rubenstein and Jim Mullen Taken from an article in the San Francisco Chronicle 5/17/93 Five things men should never go out smelling like. 1) The five cartons of cigarets everyone around you smoked last night 2) Patchouli oil 3) Any after-shave meant to evoke where the wolf first saw Little Red Riding Hood 4) Anything medicinal, hygienic or cosmetic that is mentholated (it doesn't evoke images of a cool mountain stream; it reminds people of clothes left in storage) 5) Anyone whose keys you don't have Four flowers you don't send to anyone you care about. 1) Heliconia and birds of paridise, unless your intended love discos. 2) Carnations 3) Gladiolus 4) Dyed daisies Five things people don't do anymore. 1) Polish their shoes 2) Pull out a chair for women, or anyone else for that matter 3) Look you in the eye when shaking your hand at a party 4) R.S.V.P. on time 5) Remember that a man doesn't shake a womens hand unless and until she extends hers Nine things people shouldn't do anymore 1) Talk on a cellular phone in a restaurant 2) Trust their doctors to have all the answers 3) Assume that cigaret butts aren't litter 4) Let their VCR continue blinking 12:00 5) Pack a suede jacket when traveling to any location damper than Phoenix 6) Think that "black tie" always means tuxedo 7) Try to raise ficus trees in an apartment 8) Wash their hair everyday even if it's on the dry side 9) Pretend that love is all you need Eight elemnts to successful entertainment 1) A corkscrew 2) Candles 3) Garlic 4) An '82 Bordeaux 5) A deck of cards 6) An umbrella you can lend 7) a bathrobe softer than terry cloth 8) An extra Interplak attachment Eleven things you should try once 1) Boudin 2) Disney World 3) Getting to a party exactly on time (you'll never hurry again) 4) Reading Jane Austen 5) Going to the movies alone 6) Wearing a piece of jewelry without thinking that everyone is looking at it (wedding bands and school rings don't count) 7) Taking a long honest look in the mirror 8) Yoga 9) Going a whole day without eating meat or dairy 10) Wearing a fabric you've always thought of as luxurious 11) The opera and a hockey game, perferably during the same week Five indications that your clothes fit 1) No one tickles an exposed piece of skin right when you are reaching farthest 2) You can bear hug yourself 3) You almost smiled when you caught yourself in the mirror (until the doubt patrol started doing its number) 4) You don't readjust every time you stand up 5) You can dance in them Four constructive approaches to thinning hair 1) Baseball caps (why do you think they're suddenly so popular - team spirit?) 2) Wear it short 3) Admit shoulder-length fringe is less cool and more Ben Franklin 4) Read Maria Riva on Yul Brynner Three places you should go dressed 'to die for' 1) A great restaurant where you've made no reservations 2) Your mother's - it's about time she saw you looking good 3) Wherever they're giving you the award Five hints that you're wearing too much black 1) You approach your closet with a flashlight 2) You sense your local priest is jealous 3) It takes more than 10 minutes for your date to find you in a crowd 4) Gray is starting to look colorful 5) Widows tell you to cheer up Seven musts to have in your car 1) A detailed map covering a 50-mile radius from your home 2) Tissues and napkins 3) Quarters 4) Brath freshner and eye drops 5) A valet key (which starts the car but not open the trunk) 6) Glass cleaner 7) A tape of the "1812 Overture," or something equally awakening Five ways to hide things that are too late to fix 1) Whipped cream 2) A hat 3) A turtle neck 4) Tossing throw pillows on the floor, then saying that everything you've made tonight is Moroccan 5) A trunkload of flowers Five necessities you can never find that start with 'S' 1) Scissors 2) Studs 3) Shoehorns 4) Shoelaces 5) Styptic pencils Four signs a shoe is not fun or too much fun 1) The sole is as high as the heel 2) It has more perforations that you colander 3) No animal would recognize the skin as its own 4) The salesman keeps referring to how comfortable it is Five remarks people will thank you for making 1) About something green on their teeth 2) "Half-mast, buddy!" 3) Where to vote 4) What color brings out their eyes 5) That they're dragging a yard of toilet paper Four remarks no one will thank you for making 1) "I used to go out with her too." 2) "Gosh, you look tired." 3) "I think you missed the liter basket." 4) "Wearing that red ribbon doesn't mean you're actually doing anything about AIDS" Ten Actions you should know how to do 1) Tie a bow tie on someone else 2) Cook a meal from scratch in someone else's kitchen 3) Keep a secret 4) Perform CPR 5) Bargain when the opportunity presents itself 6) Console someone without platitudes 7) Change a diaper 8) Take a compliment with grace 9) Let yourself be seduced in a part of the house without a mattress 10) Drive a car You must remember these 1) The city is doing to you what it does to your clothes 2) If you're one in a million, there are 4,000 people just like you 3) If you watch your quarters, the laundry will take care of itself 4) It's only last minute shopping if you plan to die later in the day 5) Nothing is "fun for the whole family" unless that parents are younger than 10 6) Your personal trainer is seeing someone else 7) nature abhors a vacuum cleaner 8) If you dress well, people will assume you a have a personal life Transcribed by Patrick Berry -- _______________________________________________________________________________ | That's all I have to say at this point in time. | | pberry@cscihp.ecst.csuchico.edu | -------------------------------------------------------------------------------