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From: hjiwa@gruc19.nor.chevron.com (Jeff Wang)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: REQUEST: Surgeon jokes (part 2 of 2)
Message-ID: <1993Apr26.110527@gruc19.nor.chevron.com>
Date: 26 Apr 93 16:05:27 GMT
References: <1993Apr25.191306.13362@cs.brown.edu>
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Organization: Chevron Petroleum Technology Company, New Orleans
Lines: 712

cs004201@cs.brown.edu (Scott D. Spiegler) writes:
|> Is there such a thing as a canonical list of surgeon jokes?
|> Or at least doctor jokes which may have some surgeon-specific
|> jokes in them?

Here's part 2 of my collection.  Don't write 'em, just collect 'em :-)

********************************************************************************

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and
finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow
into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your
headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."  The
man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he
would try to bear the pain.  But as time went on, the headaches only got worse,
and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.  "All right, I guess
I'll have the operation," he said.  When it was all over, the man was
understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin
life anew.  Start over from this point." So the man decided to take the advice
and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes.  The proprietor said,
"Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular".  "That's
right", exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the
business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up", replied the
salesman.  "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."  "Right again,"
the man said.  The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size
36." "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years."
"No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner.  The man replied,
"I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34".  The owner
replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls
and give you headaches!!"

********************************************************************************

A really handsome man had a high sqeuaky voice.  He was surrounded by girls
except they ran off at the sound of his voice.  So he went to the doctor.  The
doctor said he could fix the problem by cutting off the mans penis.  The man
agreed to the surgery, and sure enough his voice went to normal and he was
surrounded by women.  Later he decided to get a whole new wardrobe.  The tailor
took a look at him and rattled of figures ending up with underwear size 36.
The man said no I wear size 30.  The tailor said, "I've been doing this for
years trust me.  If you wore size thirty you voice would be high and squeaky."

********************************************************************************

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed
testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a little worried about some of
the side effects she was experiencing.  "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving
me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much.  I've
started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."  The doctor
reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of
testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls."

********************************************************************************

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin.  Since she was
not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.  The doctor told her that
will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50.  The
woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her
for several minutes.  After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor
and told him that it was perfect.  The pain, the blood, everything was there.
And she asked him how he did it.  "I tied your pubic hair," he answered.

********************************************************************************

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing
         my temper with people.
Doctor:  Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!

********************************************************************************

Woman:  Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell
        me if you find it unusual.
Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
Doctor(shouting): What a giant pussy!!  What a giant pussy!!
Woman(angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
Doctor: I didn't.

********************************************************************************

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.  The first says,
"Fellas, I got real problems.  I'm seventy years old.  Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and I try to urinate.  All day long I try to urinate. They give
me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think
you have problems.  I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try
to move my bowels.  I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but
nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years
old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate.  Every morning at 8:00 I move my
bowels.  Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

********************************************************************************

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem.
I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."  The doctor tells her to go
behind the screen and disrobe.  She does so, and the doctor goes round to see
her when she is ready.  "Well, what is it?" he asks.  "It's a bit embarrassing,"
she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the
doctor says, "Tell him his ear-rings aren't made of gold!!!"

********************************************************************************

This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife
complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who
suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an appointment
and goes the following day.  The husband, while at work receives a call from
the doctor.  Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."
Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!"

********************************************************************************

Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of
his (also a mute).  In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing.
The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit.  I can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details.  Seems he had gone to a specialist,
who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had
restored the use of his vocal chords.  Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he
might meet this specialist.  They got an appointment that very afternoon.  After
an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the
mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no
reason why he couldn't be helped as well.  "Yes, yes" signed the mute.  "Let's
have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist.
"Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining
table.  I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks
in with a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline.  Greasing the broom handle,
he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet.  The mute jumps from
the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor.
"Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"

********************************************************************************

A man went to a doctor.  Some say he went there to have an operation to become
Polish; others say he wanted to become an Aggie; there's yet another faction who
claims that he wanted to work at the post office; still others say he wanted to
make his hair permanently blond.  Regardless, the doctor asked him why, and he
said it was something he always wanted to do, how he wanted to be able to relate
to his friends, all of whom I suppose were blond Polish graduates of Texas A&M
who had found jobs at the local P.O.  Anyway, the doctor asked him his IQ, and
when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would
have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.  The man insisted, and
since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap
just the right portions of brain tissue (a product of Scar Wars technology, I
suppose), the operation was planned.  The laser was hooked up to a computer
which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice LED display.  The doctor
threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off.  95, 94, 93...  Suddenly the
phone rang.  It was the doctor's wife.  They gabbed for minutes on end, the
doctor forgetting completely about his patient.  When he hung up, he suddenly
realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down: 6,
5, 4, ...  He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser
was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain.  "Jesus, Matty and Felipe!"
exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done?  Speak to me!  Say anything!!" The man
looked at him and said, "Hi, you're watching MTV, and we just heard..."

********************************************************************************

Man goes to doctor.  Says he's depressed.  Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says
he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and
uncertain.  Doctor says the treatment is simple.  The great clown Pagliacci is
in town tonight.  Go and see him.  That should pick you up.  The man bursts into
tears.  "But doctor . . . I am Pagliacci."

********************************************************************************

"Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange, sometimes
I feel like a teepee." The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the
man to continue.  So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam."
To which the doctor says "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just two
tents."

********************************************************************************

There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born with
only a head -- no arms, no legs, nothing but a head.  Now Timmy was a basically
happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family.  As long as he stayed
within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, but as soon
as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was seriously wrong.
He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and legs and a body.  He
thought of nothing else.  It became an obsession.  Then one day Timmy heard of
the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a physician who had been experimenting
with cloning and tissue regeneration.  Timmy grew so excited he could hardly
contain himself.  He had himself rushed to the doctor and made an appointment.
When the doctor met with Timmy all of his hopes and dreams came true. The doctor
assured Timmy that she could help him and would make him into a whole person,
but she warned him that it could be a dramatic change and he should consider all
of the ramifications. She began to list some of the many problems he might
have, but he would not listen. She consented and game Timmy the injection that
would start the process.  Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow
all night. Eventually, he fell asleep.  The next morning when he awoke Timmy
was surprised to discover that he was a whole person.  He had arms and legs and
a body.  He was so excited and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor,
so he ran out of the house, across the street and was hit by a truck and killed.
And of course the moral of our story is: While you're a head, stay ahead.

********************************************************************************

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency
room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.  Doctor Green came over to see
him.  "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court
when you accused me of malpractice." "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is
right here. What could it be?" "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit
to be a doctor." "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
"now what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" "Your diagnosis is
as good as mine." "What are you talking about?" "When you questioned me on the
stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of
medicine." "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." "Let's say I give
you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is
going to pay for my court costs?" "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." "Can I
read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so
sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.  Green:  'I've treated hundreds of
people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never
occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there
were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins:  'You and your ilk make me
sick.' " "Why are you reading that to me?" "Because, Dobbins, since the trial
I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day
limping ..." "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now.  Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've
changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." "Then get me
another doctor." "There are no other doctors on duty.  The reason I'm here is
that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
This is the only place that I can practice." "If you give me something to
relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." "You
know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed
the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones.  Remember
on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That
afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain." "Okay,
Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh.  Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" "I
better check you out first." "Don't check me out, just give the dope." "But in
court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient
completely.  It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.  Do you mind
getting up on the scale?" "What for?" "To find out your height. I have to be
prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you." "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't
file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"

********************************************************************************

Patient to eye-doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,
                       doctor.  What are the chances? "
Eye-doctor to patient: "Don't worry you won't be able to see the difference."

********************************************************************************

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for
work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do
something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him
to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in
the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.  "Boss",
he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss,
"But where were you yesterday?"

********************************************************************************

A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental hospital,
he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat.  He stops his car, looks
outside. There is nobody around.  Also he realizes that the road he was riding
was near the mental hospital.  In short he realizes that there is no available
cheap labor to change the flat tire.  The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks
up the car, removes the tire, puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to
get the spare tire, trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby
storm sewer.  There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap
labor, helpless.  Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you! ", looks and finds
that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars).  The
patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while and saw the
terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help." "How?" asks the WASP.
"Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each of the other three wheels and
put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the
nearest gas station." "You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and
continues, "Why did they locked you in?" "They put me in because I am a
loonie," the guy tells the WASP and continues, "Not because I am stupid."

********************************************************************************

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite
ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself
to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.  The
horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven." (...this one is true!)

********************************************************************************

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get
pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you
think lawyers come from?"

********************************************************************************

This guy goes to his doctor to ask him a question.  The doctor says, "What can
I do for you?" "Well doctor, I have a question for you.  I masturbate, and I was
wondering how often is too often." "Hmmm," the doctor says, "how often do you do
it?" "Three times a day." the man says. "Yeah, that might be a little excessive.
Have you considered finding yourself a girlfriend?" "I have a girlfriend,
doctor", says the man.  "I mean a girlfriend for the bedroom as well...", the
doctor says.  The man says "Oh, she is, that's not the problem.  The problem is,
she doesn't like to do it during mealtimes."

********************************************************************************

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...
He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've
overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to
make love more than 30 times!" The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course);
his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor
said concerning his problem.  He tells her what the doc told him.  She says:
"Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!"  He
replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on
it!"

********************************************************************************

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his
an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him:  "Well, I've got good news and
I've got bad news for you." "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient.
"I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son." "Oh my
god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.  "But the good news", the doctor
adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they
weren't malignant!"

********************************************************************************

A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice.  The
doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his
extremely large penis with a smaller one.  The guy is desperate and decides to
go through with the operation.  It's a great success and the man has a fantastic
baritone.  But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides
to see the doctor to try get his original equipment back. He says to the doctor,
"Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has
gone to pot." "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky,
annoying voice.

********************************************************************************

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup.  The
doctor asked why he needed the checkup.  The man was getting married next month
to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage,
and it didn't work.  However, the doctor suggested, "If you want your marriage
to last, I say you at least take in a boarder." The old man agreed.  The old
man didn't see the doctor for a year, when they met at a fund-raiser.  The old
man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant." "That's good news," said
the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help." "Oh," said the old man with a
wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well."

********************************************************************************

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people.
Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative
that he make the best possible impression.  On the morning of the presentation
he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant
characteristic of sounding like "HONDA".  The man was besides himself. Every
few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....  Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in
desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he
sought a physicians aid.  After a full examination, the doctor told him that
there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait
it out.  Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second
and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic
suggested that he visit a dentist.  Well although he could not see how a
dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.  Lo and behold, the
dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked.  "Why you
have an abscess," said the dentist.  "An abscess. How could that be causing my
problem?" asked the man.  "That's easy," replied the dentist.  "Why everyone
knows...Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

********************************************************************************

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am
always farting all of the time.  Although they don't smell, they do make loud
noises, and it is affecting my social life." The doctor gives him some pills,
and asks him to return next week.  He returns, and says, "Those pills did no
good.  In fact they made things worse.  I still fart as much, but now they smell
terrible." To which the doctor replies, "Good!  Now that we have your nose
working again, lets work on your farting"

********************************************************************************

I recently went to see my doctor.  I said "Doctor It's me dick!" I flopped it
onto the desk, and the doctor asked "so whats the problem?" An' I said "Nowt.
It's a beaty ain't it!"

********************************************************************************

One woman says to another: "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that
new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist
is so old!" The other woman replies with a smile: "Yeah, I know. His hands
shake *all* the time!"

********************************************************************************

Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U.K. Secretary of State for Health:
What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health secretary.
Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was 'satisfactory'.

********************************************************************************

A pipe burst in a doctor's house.  He called a plumber.  The plumber arrived,
unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.  The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous!  I
don't even make that much as a doctor!".  The plumber waited for him to finish
and quietly said "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

********************************************************************************

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is
persuaded to have a medical exam first.  "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to
see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor.  "O.K.", says the medic, "let
me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle
finger.

********************************************************************************

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once
had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few
housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him
to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No,
its your ducks at the entrance...every time I enter the farm, they insult me!"

********************************************************************************

Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an ear-and-eye
doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist in those two
areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor AND an ear,
nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather
vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why
then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later (Remember, the clinic
is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the doc's office. The following
dialogue ensues.  Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the
trouble?  Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!  Doctor:  Just
calm down, and tell me your symptoms.  Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try.  It's
like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see what
I hear, and I can't hear what I see!  At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his
head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks
what he's doing, he explains:  "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no
known cure for Communism."

********************************************************************************

This old man takes his wife to the doctor.  After the examination, the doctor
takes the man aside and says: "I've got some bad news for you.  Your wife either
has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, but I can't tell which."  "That's terrible,"
says the man, "what should we do?" "Well," replies the doctor, "I'll give you a
thirty minute head start before I send her home.  And if she makes it, don't
fuck her!!!"

********************************************************************************

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
Having your dentist tell you.

********************************************************************************

Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste.

********************************************************************************

One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to grow".
So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy a bottle
of pills.  An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too.  The
doc says, "Take 3 of these a day." "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves.  Then
a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says, "Nah, I'll
take 24!" and leaves.  The next day all three guys come into the office.  1st:
"Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!" 2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behind
me!" Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!"

********************************************************************************

A jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's
house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision
in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin
flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this," she asked.
"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

********************************************************************************

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was
having affairs with his patients? Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of the
top veterinarians in the country!

********************************************************************************

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband
never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to
put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat
disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening.  That night they made
out. The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really
got it on. The next day, she said 'what the hell,' and put the entire bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's son
answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied,
"Mom's dead; sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the
front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

********************************************************************************

Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for help.
He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was sporting a
ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was any cure for this
strange VD that had appeared. The doctor just smiled, soaked a cloth in alcohol,
and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The sailor looked down and saw that
the ring was gone.  Ecstatic, he paid the doctor and ran off to catch his ship.
A few months later, another sailor came to the doctor and said to him: "A few
months back, my buddy came here with a ring around his dick, and he said you
just rubbed it three times and he was cured. Well, I have a similar problem..."
The sailor pulled down his pants and showed off his dick, which was sporting an
emerald green ring around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached into a pocket,
took out a large knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's dick. "What did
you do that for!?" screamed the sailor in agony. "Your buddy had lipstick around
his dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene."

********************************************************************************

Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he
had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a twinkie
and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor
shoved the muffin, the twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The
patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the
therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor
shoved a muffin, a twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits,
the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a twinkie and a mallet for
the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin
and the twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared
out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?"  WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

********************************************************************************

A waiter in a Brighton Beach restaurant is so harried, he has no time to go to
the bathroom, so he pisses into a big vat of borcht. Later he serves the borcht
to a client whom he recognizes as his doctor. He asks: ``Doctor, do you think
this borcht too sweet?  Can you taste sugar?'' The doctor tries it and says,
"No."  "Thank you, doctor! The medicine you prescribed me must have helped."

********************************************************************************

What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?
Mentally deficient.

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How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a Soviet emigre
  doctor?
He signs his name under ``cause of death''.

********************************************************************************

Did you hear about the Soviet emigre doctor who cured a guy from jaundice and
strabismus?
The autopsy showed that the patient was Chinese.

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: "Doctor, when I
wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get
pregnant."  "Evidently you don't breed in captivity."

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologyst for a checkup. She seems to be
very embarassed and uncomfortable.
``Haven't you been examined like this before?'' asks the doctor.
``Many times,'' she giggles, ``but never by doctor.''

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor. He instructs her to go behind the
screen and undress. She walks stark naked from behind the screen and says,
indignantly: ``Doctor, why didn't you undress too?''

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor for an examination. He tells her to
undress and lie down. She asks: ``But will you marry me?''

********************************************************************************

A man comes to a Soviet emigre doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells
him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.  ``What
does this have to do with my throat?'' ``Nothing, I just hate the neighbors.''

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre surgeon tells a patient: ``The operation will cost three
thousand dollars, but we can save a little by not sharpening the knife.''

********************************************************************************

During an operation, the nurse tells the Soviet emigre surgeon: ``Doctor, this
is the third operating table you've destroyed this month. Don't cut so deep.''

********************************************************************************

One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: ``How did that appendectomy go?''
``Appendectomy?'' shrieks the other. ``I though it was an autopsy!''

********************************************************************************

One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: ``How did the operation go?'' ``It was a
success until we dropped the patient off the table.''

********************************************************************************

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed
by a Soviet emigre surgeon?
He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

********************************************************************************

``I'm treating a patient with a split personality,'' boasts a Soviet emigre
psychiatrist, ``and Medicaid pays for both of them!''

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office.  ``You've been
billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.~Ivanov for the last six months.
Haven't you noticed that Mr.~Ivanov has passed away?'' ``Sure I noticed! He was
my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetry.''

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor.  ``What's bothering you?'' ``You charge
Medicaid hundred dollars and ask me what bothering me? Figure out yourself!''
``You should have gone to a veterinarian. They figure out what's bothering
patients who can't tell.''

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's ofice and say: ``Doctor, we
would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?''
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on
top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says,
``Yes, you're having sex prpoperly. That will be forty dollars.'' They come back
the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from
the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions
every day. On the fifth visit the doctor says, ``Why do you keep on coming back?
I told you you're having sex properly.'' The boy explains, ``The hotel room
costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid.''

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor's advice because his breath smells
terrible. The doctor examines him and says: ``Either stop biting your nails or
stop scratching your hemorroids.''

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre goes to a doctor to complain about constipation. The doctor
unblocks him with a pnemautic drill and advises him not to wipe his ass with a
cement bag in the future.

********************************************************************************

A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor to show a red ring around the base of his
penis. The doctor decides it's some unusual of venereal decease and prescribes
antibiotics, but they don't help, and one week later the ring is still there.
The doctor then sends a piece of penis skin covered with red to a lab for
analysis. The lab reports: ``The lipstick can be removed with soap and water.''

********************************************************************************

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal
desease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes
to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would
probably have to be amputated. The patient goes to another doctor, who also
doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is
indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre
doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V.D.  Indeed, the Soviet emigre
doctor says: ``I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut.
Don't do anything. Two week later prick fall off by himself.''

********************************************************************************

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns
black. He runs to a doctor and asks: ``Doctor, is this some weird venereal
desease?'' ``Worse,'' says the doctor. ``It's frostbite.''

********************************************************************************

Did you hear about the Soviet emigre who told his doctor he contracted a
venereal desease from a wet dream?

********************************************************************************

Why was the Soviet emigre woman nicknamed ``Venus''?
Not for her beauty, but because there always was something venereal in her.

********************************************************************************

At a party, an Israeli doctor says: ``Medicine is so advanced in our country,
that we can take a kidney from one person, and put it into another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'' A German doctor says: ``We can take the heart
and the lungs from a cadaver, and transplant them into a living person, and
he'll be looking for work in three months.'' An American social worker says:
``We took a quarter million assholes from the USSR, and transplanted them to
Brighton Beach, and not a single one is looking for work!''

********************************************************************************

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:
--Oops.
--Has anyone seen my watch?
--That was some party last night.  I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk.

********************************************************************************

--
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