From cmoriak@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu Fri Apr 9 19:32:34 1993 Subject: SOMETHING YOU MIGHT FIND AMUSING... (fwd) To: gahell@wam.umd.edu (Gretchen Heller) Cc: adam@vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (Adam F. Rifkin), mluke@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Monica H Luke) X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL11] Forwarded message: >From /PN=MARY.E.MERLO/O=TRW/ADMD=TELEMAIL/C=US/@sprint.com Wed Apr 7 17:02:12 1993 From: /PN=MARY.E.MERLO/O=TRW/ADMD=TELEMAIL/C=US/@sprint.com Date: 7 Apr 93 14:58:10-0400 To: CMORIAK@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu Cc: /PN=MARY.E.MERLO/O=TRW/ADMD=TELEMAIL/C=US/@sprint.com Subject: SOMETHING YOU MIGHT FIND AMUSING... Message-Id: <"MGJD-6170-1063/28"*/PN=MARY.E.MERLO/O=TRW/ADMD=TELEMAIL/C=US/@sprint.com> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM SUBJECT: DEADLY VIRUSES FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong with yor comp- euter, ewe just can't figyour out watt. DAN QUAYLE 2 VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary linkage. GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs affected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus 3.5 percent margin of error). PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: once if by LAN, twice if by C. (Sorry; I know this one's pretty painful, but really, I didn't make these up.) POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a virus, but instead refers to itself as an electronic micro- organism. (I'd like to add here that "politically correct" is no the politically sensitive term.) ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system just before the whole thing quits. MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates, but stays resident. It'll be back. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure it's bigger than any other virus. JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS: Eats away at your system resources piece by piece. MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money. ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, lazy, and finally self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. OLIVER NORTH VIRUS: Turns your printer into a paper shredder. NIKE VIRUS: Just does it. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off-key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy. WILLARD SCOTT VIRUS: Keeps track of all family birthdays and renders your verbose wishes every time you request weather predictions. STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. HEALTHCARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and automatically sends you a bill for $4,500. GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts boldly by stating "Read my text... No new files!" onscreen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the Congressional virus. QUANTUM LEAP VIRUS: One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a MacIntosh, and then a Nintendo. LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in self defense. > PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus warns you of impending hard disk > attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C. > > POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never call this a "virus"; it prefers to be called > an "electronic microorganism." > > RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: If you attempt to erase a file, this virus first > requires you to see a counselor about possible alternatives. > > ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, then quits. > > AT&T VIRUS: Tells you every three minutes what great service you're getting. > > MCI VIRUS: Reminds you every three minutes how you hate paying too much for > AT&T. > > GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software > says everything is fine. > > FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of tiny > units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be > the most important part of the computer. > > GALLUP VIRUS: Causes 60 percent of PCs infected to lose 38 percent of their > data 14 percent of the time, plus or minus a 3.5 margin of error. > > OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, then > slowly expands back to 200MB.