From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Tue Aug 8 02:47:13 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) Subject: Raising Hogs Lines: 63 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net After attending FarmFest 95 last week and listening to the exciting news in hog odor management, I thought I'd send out the following letter sent to me by Marcus Johns at the University of Manitoba. -------------------------- -------------------------------- --------------------------------------- Secretary of Agriculture Washington DC Dear Mr Secretary, My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand dollar government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks but if this is not a good breed to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made on them was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when he got your check for not raising any. If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get two thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about four thousand hogs not raised which will mean about eighty thousand dollars the first year. Now, another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat ten thousand dollars bushels of corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising and wheat not to feed the four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the year not to raise hogs or grain. Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business so please send me information on that, too. In view of these circumstances, I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment benefits and food stamps. Patriotically Yours I M Cheap \=/, _-===-_-====-_-===-_-==========-_-====-_ | @___oo ( Joke of the Day! )_ /\ /\ / (___,,,}_--= ) ) /^\) ^\/ _) =__ To be added or deleted, send e-mail ) ) /^\/ _) (_ to: joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net ) ) _ / / _) ( ) /\ )/\/ || | )_) (_ In the body of the message, type ) < > |(,,) )__) ( the word SUBSCRIBE or ) || / \)___)\ (_ UNSUBSCRIBE __) | \____( )___) )___ -==-_____-=====-_____-=====-___== \______(_______;;; __;;; --- ~ TLX v4.00 ~ Is a castrated pig disgruntled? From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Sat Sep 9 04:53:05 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) To: joke@tdkt.skypoint.net Subject: O.J. in Prison!!! Lines: 59 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net I have been sitting at work listening to people discussing the O.J trial and started wondering, do we really have it any better than O.J.? In prison O.J. spends the majority of his time in a 8' x 10'cell. At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' cube. In prison O.J. gets three meals a day. At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work. At work I must wear an ID badge at all times. In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes. At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes. In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes. At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for O.J. In prison O.J. can watch TV and play games. At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they will pay O.J.'s way through school to learn a new career and give him time to do it. At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time. In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want. At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time. In prison O.J. can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from his actions. At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the bosses hit list. In prison they ball and chain O.J. when he goes somewhere. At work you are just ball and chained. In prison O.J. has full medical coverage with no deductibles. At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles. In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayer, with no work on their part. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. \=/, _-===-_-====-_-===-_-==========-_-====-_ | @___oo ( Joke of the Day! )_ /\ /\ / (___,,,}_--= ) ) /^\) ^\/ _) =__ To be added or deleted, send e-mail ) ) /^\/ _) (_ to: joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net ) ) _ / / _) ( ) /\ )/\/ || | )_) (_ In the body of the message, type ) < > |(,,) )__) ( the word SUBSCRIBE or ) || / \)___)\ (_ UNSUBSCRIBE __) | \____( )___) )___ -==-_____-=====-_____-=====-___== \______(_______;;; __;;; --- ~ TLX v4.00 ~ Why is "easy listening" so hard to listen to? From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Thu Oct 5 05:14:58 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) To: joke@tdkt.skypoint.net Subject: OJ Simpson - The Big List Lines: 933 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Since the verdict is in, I thought this would be an approprite time to send this out. I pulled this off the rec.humor newsgroup... O.J. Simpson: Canonical O.bligatory J.okes List [10/01/95] This is the Canonical List of O.J. Simpson jokes. Additions, corrections, and other comments regarding this list should be sent to me at: v120qldp@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu This list will be posted on the first day of every month on rec.humor and alt.tasteless.jokes. This list is available via ftp at: ftp.netcom.com:/pub/grub/tasteless ftp.cco.caltech.edu:/pub/humor/canonical.lists If this list is stored on any other ftp sites, let me know and I'll put the site addresses here. *** The O.J. Simpson Home Page has been moved *** The new location (a much faster server!) is: http://www.infi.net/~cashman/humor/canonical/OJ.html I only have time to Subject-scan the newsgroups, so if you post an O.J. joke, use a distinctive Subject line ("OJ" or "Simpson" is just fine). Feel free to mail me jokes, but don't waste my time by sending me jokes that are merely re-worded rather than original. And to all you smeg-heads who think you're the first one to ever hear the O.J./Christopher Reeve joke, it's here now. How could I put it on the June 1 list when Reeve's accident happened in June? I. Football and other sports-related jokes 36 II. Hertz Rental Car, Ford Motor Company, and acting-related jokes 25 III. Orange Juice puns 17 IV. Prison and killing-related jokes 18 V. Jokes with O.J. and other celebrities 31 VI. Miscellaneous jokes 69 New stuff is marked with a star - * I. Football and other sports-related jokes 1. Q: How do we know that Thurman Thomas didn't kill O.J.'s ex-wife? A: Thurman would have fumbled the knife. 2. O.J. was the first running back to run 2000 yards and the first murderer to run 2000 miles! 3. B oy B oy B oy B oy I I t I I L ove L ooks L ove L ove L ife L ike L osing L osing S entences S an Quentin S pouses S anity 4. I heard that O.J. was no longer the prime suspect in the case. The reason being that as an ex-Buffalo Bill, if he were going to murder her, he would have done it the Buffalo Bill way and choked her. 5. O.J. used to play football. Now it looks like he played sock-her as well. 6. He's still a great footballer ... Still slices up the opposition wherever he finds them! 7. Q: Did you hear O.J. has refused to play on the prison football team? A: He heard they wanted him to line up in a four-point stance. 8. Q: Did you hear the Bills fired Marv Levy? A: They felt the team lacked a killer instinct, so they hired O.J. Simpson. 9. O.J. ran for more yards in one evening than in 8 years with Buffalo. 10. Q: What was O.J.'s favorite play in the Bills' playbook? A: Cut left, then slash right! 11. Rumor has it that instead of giving Juice the chair for a guilty conviction, they are going to sentence him to play two more years in Buffalo. 12. Q: Why did O.J. kill Goldman? A: To prove the Bills could slaughter the competition and not just choke. 13. Q: Why did O.J. kill his ex? A: He wanted to terminate her free agency. 14. Q: Why did O.J. go to Chicago after killing two people? A: It was the perfect place for a three-peat! 15. At the end of the regulation marriage, without any additional scoring, the only thing left was sudden death. 16. O.J.'s final run, although spectacular, epitomized his career. Just think what he could have done if he had just had some really good blocking. 17. I heard O.J. tried to kill his wife in Buffalo, but they retired his .32. 18. More evidence that O.J. didn't kill his ex-wife: Any man who can sit beside Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football without killing him would never kill anyone. 19. O.J. was offered a plea bargain. Life in prison without parole, or a season behind the Cleveland Browns line. He took the life sentence. 20. Q: Did you hear what the longest drive was during the U.S. Open? A: O.J. Simpson - 61 miles. 21. Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger? A: O.J. Simpson. 22. Heard on one of the New York City radio stations: "I tried to watch the Knicks game last night, but all I kept seeing were those Ford Bronco commercials." 23. O.J. play by play: "Well, there's not much time left, they have to make a big play soon ..." "Movement in the backfield, It's O.J.! What a move! He breaks away from a pack of defenders, he's going 10, 5. He just might make it." "He cuts to the 91...now streaks down the 405. They can't catch him!" "Looks like he's going to make it, and...ooohh....They bring him down in the driveway, just short." "What a play...One we'll all remember...One for the record books, O.J.'s longest run from skirmish." 24. O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players in history... He entered the NFL as a running back... He entered prison as a tight end... and will leave prison as a wide receiver! 25. Q: Did you hear that the police are now saying that O.J. moved the bodies after the murders? A: They are accusing him of 2 carries for 58 yards. 26. The police are now saying that the murder weapon was a set of hedge clippers. O.J.'s lawyers think that instead of getting the death penalty, O.J. will get 15 yards for clipping. 27. Police are now saying that O.J. is no longer a suspect because they found a Super Bowl ring at the murder scene. 28. Q: Did you hear experts have already predicted the Super Bowl champion for next season? A: It's going to be the San Quentin prison football team. 29. Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway? A: One drives a slow, white Bronco. The other *is* a slow, white Bronco. 30. Q: What's the difference between the Dallas Mavericks and O.J. Simpson? A: O.J. has a slow, white Bronco and Dallas has a slow, white Cherokee. 31. The NFL announced its 75th anniversary team. O.J. Simpson was selected as one of the running backs. When informed of the honor, O.J. could only say that he was glad he'd made the cut... 32. Here's a joke I heard this morning on a Phoenix radio station. Q: Did you hear that they've already selected a jury for the O.J. trial? A: They've been looking for someone who won't be needed for the next six months and knows nothing about football, so they selected the Arizona Cardinals coaching staff! 33. Did you hear that the prosecution has moved to change the venue of the trial? They wanted to move the trial to a place where no one knows football. They chose Houston. No one knows football there. 34. Did you hear that O.J. Simpson got kicked off the prison softball team? It seems he kept losing his glove and whenever he went home he carried a knife... 35. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite Major League Baseball team? A: The Red Sox! 36. Q: Remember what a great career O.J. had with the Buffalo Bills? A: Imagine what he could have done with the Sabres! II. Hertz Rental Car, Ford Motor Company, and acting-related jokes 1. Did you hear about Hertz's new billboard? It's a picture of O.J. Simpson with a caption, "Hertz: For Great Getaways!" 2. Q: What was Nicole Simpson's last words? A: Stop, O.J.! It Hertz! 3. Well I don't buy his alibi either. Have you seen the way O.J. moves through an airport? And he's real quick at rental cars too... 4. I guess everyone in the L.A. Airport thought O.J. was just shooting a new rental car commercial when they saw him running through the airport! Coincidence? I think not! 5. Did you hear that Hertz Car Rental Agency is changing its name to Killz? 6. A new Ford Bronco is being marketed to replace the Eddie Bauer model. It is the O.J. model. It comes with storage for your knives and bloody gloves, stain-resistant carpeting, extra fuel capacity for those long trips and a cellular phone. Takes you for the drive of a lifetime. 7. Q: Did you hear about the new Hertz commercial? A: O.J. is seen running through the airport, jumping over seats and babies in strollers, to catch his plane for Chicago. The rental agent is frantically running after him yelling, "Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson, you forgot your bloody glove!" 8. Q: Whatever drove O.J. to kill his wife? A: A Hertz Rent-A-Car. 9. New, from Hertz: The "O.J. Weekend Getaway Special!" Your choice of Bronco, with enough gas to go 70 miles. And you end up at your front door! 10. The police say a jogger claims to have seen O.J.'s car at the murder scene the night his ex-wife was killed. He should have rented a car from Hertz. 11. Q: Is O.J. Simpson still the spokesman for Hertz? A: Not exactly. 12. Actually I heard that Hertz just renewed O.J.'s contract. Only now he's making license plates for them. 13. I heard that O.J. lost his Hertz Rental Car endorsement contract, but he has a new endorsement offer. Taco Bell has hired him to "Run for the Border." 14. Q: How do we know it wasn't someone from Avis who killed them? A: Whomever did it sure didn't try very hard. 15. Now I know why O.J. did all those Hertz commercials: Practice. 16. I've heard that O.J.'s troubles have resulted in at least one commercial endorsement contract being cancelled. Apparently it's _killed_ his Ginsu Knife deal! 17. Naked Gun 44 1/4 - Nordberg gets The Chair! 18. They are going to remake the movie "The Longest Yard," starring O.J. Simpson as himself. 19. Q: Did you hear that Hertz dropped O.J.? A: Chicago Cutlery picked him up. 20. Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson movie? A: It's called "Sex, Knives, and Athletic Tape." 21. Q: Why did O.J. kill his wife the way he did? A: He was practicing for a part in a new movie: Jock the Ripper 22. Q: Did you hear Nicole Simpson got her own endorsement offer? A: She's going to be a Pez Dispenser. 23. Q: Did you hear about the "Simpson Special" from Hertz? A: You get a free police escort when you rent a Bronco. 24. Some Ford dealership had a white Bronco displayed prominently. After Simpson's flight from justice, they put up a sign that read "As Seen On TV." 25. Special News Release-----Ford Motor Company-----Detroit, Michigan As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the 1994 Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice for felons everywhere. The conclusive California road test, seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco con successfully hold off 18 or more polie cars, 3 helicopters and the entire population of the United States for more than 90 minutes. Imagine how well it works when going over 40 miles an hour! The vehicle works equally well while parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new 1995 Ford Bronco. Simply go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and the purring of police cars. And, if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginsu Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell block to own the new 1995 Ford O.J. Edition Bronco. $1500 Down and $259 per month. Tax and registration extra. Defense attorney not included. III. Orange Juice puns 1. Q. What did Mike Tyson have for breakfast? A. Fresh-squeezed O.J. 2. Looks like they'll be putting the juice to the Juice... 3. Did you know that he confessed? Yeah, they squeezed it out of him. 4. The real reason O.J. is being detained by the police is that he does really poorly in the interrogations. You see, O.J. has a problem: He can't concentrate. 5. Q. How do you get an electric chair to work? A. Give it the Juice! 6. After O.J. is sent to prison, all the inmates will be asking each other, "Have you had your O.J. this morning?" 7. IMPORTANT Commodities News Flash! O.J. futures have fallen 12 points... 8. New cocktail: Bloody Screwdriver Start with O.J., 1 ounce of bitters, add sliced tomato and chopped fruit. 9. Q: Hear about the new Bronco drink? A: It consists of a couple of jiggers followed by a bunch of O.J. chasers. 10. Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common? A: They both have O.J. in a can. 11. My mom tried to give me some orange juice this morning. I told her, "No way, mom! O.J. will KILL you!" 12. Q: What is the difference between Tang and O.J.? A: Tang won't kill you! 13. Q: Why do they call him O.J.? A: Because he beats the pulp out of his women. 14. There is a new drink out in the bars now, called the Bloody Nicole. It's the same thing as a Bloody Mary but instead of adding tomato juice, you add O.J.! 15. Q: What was the last thing Nicole said? A: "I should have had a V-8." 16. Q: Did you hear about the new contract the Florida Orange Juice Association is going to offer O.J. Simpson? A: They'll pay him a million a year for the rest of his life. All they want him to do is change his name to Snapple! 17. Q: What did O.J. do when he saw the cops in his rearview mirror? A: He froze and concentrated. IV. Prison and killing-related jokes 1. Q. Why won't prison be that different for O.J.? A. He will still have big guys opening holes for him. 2. Q. Why did O.J. Simpson go to Chicago? A. To find a clean towel. 3. O.J. showed up at his lawyer's office wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. The lawyer says, "Why are you dressed like that?" O.J. says, "Didn't you say I was going to Cancun?" To which the lawyer replies, "No. I said, 'You're going to the can, coon.'" 4. Headline for the Daily Fishwrap... THE JUICE NOOSES DEUCE! STILL ON THE LOOSE! By the way, wouldn't it be humorous if they pan the cameras across the crowd at the NBA finals, and there he sat watching the game? 5. Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: O.J. paying a visit to his ex-wife. 6. When O.J. gets to prison and converts to the Nation of Islam, he'll of course change his name to O.J. X. 7. Q: Why does everyone want O.J. over for Thanksgiving dinner? A: He sure knows how to slice the hell out of white meat! 8. At O.J. Simpson's arraignment yesterday, the prosecutor said "..and we will prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Simpson committed this crime with malice and forethought." At which point a confused O.J. blurted out, "That's not true! I did it alone!" 9. Q: Why were the police suspicious after they called O.J. in Chicago? A: He denied he was the culprit and even suggested they come to the golf tournament and see how bad his slice was. 10. Q: Why did O.J. stop at his ex-wife's house on his way to the airport? A: He had some time to kill. 11. Q: Why did O.J. flee? A: He was mad about not being Grand Marshall in the Rose Parade. 12. The defense may claim O.J. was acting on the advice of his marriage counselor. After the last attempt at reconciliation had failed, the counselor told the distraught O.J. to make another stab at it. 13. Q: What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife? A: Hey pal, mind if I cut in? 14. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite soft drink? A: Slice. 15. Q: What is O.J.'s motto? A: If you can't beat 'em, stab 'em. 16. O.J. Simpson got sent to jail and is laying in his cell all depressed. His cellmate says to him, "Hey, it's not all that bad. We have a lot of activities around here. Do you like sports?" "Hell yeah," says O.J. "Do you like football?" "Hell yeah," says O.J. "You'll like Mondays then. Do you like baseball?" "Hell yeah," says O.J. "Great! You'll love Wednesdays then. Are you gay?" "Hell no!" says O.J. "Damn, I guess you'll hate Fridays." 17. O.J. is introduced to his new cellmate, a huge, nasty-looking guy doing consecutive life sentences. He says to O.J., "Look here, we gonna get somethin' straight right off da bat. Are you gonna be da husband oh da wife?" O.J. says, "What?!" The guy gets real mad and says, "Are you gonna be da husband oh da wife?!" O.J. thinks fast. If he says "wife," he reasons, he'll get it up the wazoo in a matter of nanoseconds. O.J. says, "I'll be the husband." The guy then says, "Okay then. Now get down on yo knees and suck yo wife's dick!" 18. Q: What did O.J.'s kids get him for a present? A: A shiny, new suicide watch. V. Jokes with O.J. and other celebrities 1. Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common? A: They are both missing a glove. 2. Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson? A: "Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids." 3. Q: What's the difference between Rodney King and O.J. Simpson? A: O.J. started out with millions. 4. Q: Do you know why O.J. drove around as long as he did? A: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian! 5. Q. What's the difference between Ryne Sandberg and O.J. Simpson? A. Ryne lost his killer instinct and O.J. found it. 6. Q: Did you hear John Wayne Bobbit called O.J. last night? A: He wanted O.J. to know that he knows what it feels like to be separated from a loved one. 7. Q: What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbit, Tammy Faye, and O.J. Simpson in the same room? A: A butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker. 8. Q: Why did O.J. sit in the Bronco for so long? A: Because Rodney King called him and told him not to get out of the car. 9. Q: Why did O.J. finally get out of the Bronco? A: He saw Susan Smith and was afraid she was going to push him into the pool. 10. Q: What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and O.J. Simpson? A: O.J. only ate one of his victims. 11. Q: What do O.J. and Pee-Wee Herman have in common? A: They were both arrested for abusing their loved ones. 12. Q: Did you hear that Joey Buttafuoco went to visit O.J. in prison? A: He told O.J. that he should have had his girlfriend do it. 13. Q: What did O.J. say to Larry Bird and Michael Jordan? A: Out the Bronco...Over the driveway...Into the house...Out the backyard ...Down the street...To the condo...Nothin' but neck. 14. Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Bobbit? A: O.J. can still get off. 15. Q: What do Shaquille O'Neal and O.J. Simpson have in common? A: They both spend a lot of time at court. 16. Here's my favorite of today's bunch broadcast on Comedy Central: "If a former pro football player had to kill his wife, why couldn't it have been Frank Gifford?" 17. Sarah Brady sent a letter to O.J.: Dear O.J., I'm very disappointed in you. Why didn't you use a gun? 18. Heard (in a Carnac routine) on the Howard Stern show: "In jail, on Fox, underground...Where do you find the Simpsons?" 19. Q: What do you get when you mix O.J. Simpson, Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Tonya Harding? A: Killer sex that will bring you to your knees! 20. Q: What would you have if O.J. was put in a cell with David Koresh and Jeffrey Dahmer? A: You'd have a complete breakfast: serial, toast, and O.J. 21. Q: What is the difference between O.J. and David Letterman? A: There is absolutely nothing funny about David Letterman. 22. Greatest marketing idea of the century: His & Hers knives endorsed by O.J. Simpson and Lorena Bobbit. 23. O.J., where are going with that knife in your hand? I said O.J., where are you going with that knife in your hand? I'm gonna cut my ole lady up, I caught her messin' round with another man. I'm gonna cut my ole lady up, you know I caught her messin' round with another man. O.J., I heard you cut your old lady up. I said O.J., I heard you cut your old lady up. Yes I cut her, I caught her messin', messin' round town. Yes I cut her, y'know I caught her messing round town. AND I GIVE HER THE KNIFE!!!!! [Guitar solo] O.J., where are you gonna run to now? I said O.J., where are you gonna run to now? I'm going up north, way up north, Chicago way. I'm goin' up north, way up north, Chicago way. [Guitar solo and fade out.] 24. Q: Did you hear that F. Lee Bailey was mad at Shapiro? A: He even told one reporter, "I'm going to sue that SOB for everything O.J. has!" 25. When Marcia Clark asked Kato Kaelin where he had been between 9 and 11, Kato replied, "third grade." 26. Q: What's the only thing worse than being married to Lorena Bobbit? A: Being divorced from O.J. Simpson! 27. Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Christopher Reeve? A: O.J.'s going to walk. A: Reeve has feelings from the neck up. A: Reeve can still hold his head up. A: O.J. can still "get off." A: O.J. hit the ground running. 28. Q: What do O.J. and Reeve have in common? A: Both left blood on the bronco. A: Neither can ride a white bronco without taking a fall! 29. There's good news and bad news today... The bad news is that it has been reported that the Simpson jury is going to acquit O.J. The good news is that Susan Smith is going to drive him home. 30. Q: What do Marsha Clark and Susan Smith have in common? A: It looks as if neither one of them is going to get the Juice. 31. Q: Why can't Heidi Fleiss and O.J. play golf together? A: Because Heidi Fleiss is a hooker and O.J. is a slicer. VI. Miscellaneous Jokes 1. Houston schlockjocks on morning radio used the following subject: Good prison names for O.J. Only heard a couple... O.rifice J.amboree got my vote. 2. Q. What does O.J. stand for? A: Obdurate Jerk Objective Jury? Obligatory Jokes Obsessively Jealous Obstinate Jealousy Obstreperous Journey Odorous Journalism Often Joked Oh, Jailer! Open Jugular Orange Jumpsuit Out Joyriding Outlaw Jock Outlook: Jail Outta Job 3. Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer: 1. They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it. 2. If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career. 3. The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but never beating the pulp out of her. 4. It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but everyone has seen O.J. concentrate. 5. The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows that O.J. could never cut to the left. 4. Q: Have you heard about the new children's game? A: It's called "Where's O.J.?" 5. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite song? A: 'I Used to Love Her But I Had to Kill Her' by Guns 'n' Roses. 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin 'Run to the Hills' by Iron Maiden '911 It's a Joke' by Public Enemy 'I Can't Drive 55' by Sammy Hagar 'The First Cut is the Deepest' by Rod Stewart 'Love Hurts' by Nazareth 'If You Want To Be Happy For the Rest of Your Life (Never Make A Pretty Woman Your Wife)' by Jimmy Soul 'Cuts Like a Knife' by Bryan Adams 'Hurts So Good' by John Cougar Mellencamp 'Cuts Both Ways' by Gloria Estefan 'Love Kills' by Vinny Vincent Invasion (sung by Slaughter, how appropriate! :) 'Love is a Killer' by Vixen 6. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite musical group? A: Slayer Drivin' and Cryin' Suicidal Tendencies Public Enemy 7. There once was a fellow named Simpson, Who ran away covered in crimson. After carving his wife, With a "substantial knife," Said the cops, "What you did was quite grim, son." 8. Q: What are the three worst words to hear from O.J. Simpson? A: I love you. 9. Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson breakfast special? A: It's eggs, steak and prune juice. First, you beat it, then you stab it with a knife, then you get the runs. 10. Someone has stepped forward to be O.J.'s alibi. Apparently he was seen waiting to be seated at a local Denny's restaurant. 11. Q: What do the state of California and Taco Bell have in common? A: They are two things that can give O.J. gas. 12. Q: How is having sex with a prostitute similar to dating O.J. Simpson's ex-wife? A: In either case, if the Trojan snaps you're dead. 13. Q: What's the difference between a paralyzed miner and O.J. Simpson? A: One's a numb digger... 14. Q: Why did O.J. stab his wife? A: Because he checked his gun with his baggage and the airline lost it. 15. It's one thing to kill your ex-wife, but another thing entirely to take a victory lap around the city afterword. 16. Q: What's the last thing O.J. said to Nicole Simpson? A: Your waiter will be with you shortly... 17. A: Knock Knock. B: Who's there? A: O.J. B: O.J. Who? A: You have just qualified to be a member of the jury! 18. Is it true that O.J. was last seen chasing a one-armed man? 19. There once was a sports legend named O.J., Whose old lady told him to go away. He slashed up his wife, With a fifteen-inch knife, And then led a parade on the freeway! 20. Q: Why did O.J. change his long distance server from AT&T? A: Because he knew he had to Sprint! 21. Q: What are two things that O.J. has that every man wants? A: A Heisman Trophy and a dead wife. 22. Q: What did Ron say to Nicole when they got to heaven? A: "Here's your damn glasses! Thanks a lot!" 23. Q: What does O.J. have in common with the statue of Venus DiMilo? A: Neither is considered armed any more. 24. As a long-time UCLA fan, it's obvious to me what O.J.'s lawyers will use as a defense: "Members of the jury, what can you expect? He went to USC!" 25. Q: What do O.J. and Tampax have in common? A: They both come in white boxes and leave a bloody mess. 26. After looking all over LA, they finally found 12 people who have never seen O.J. Simpson, never heard of O.J. Simpson, and have no idea who O.J. Simpson is or was. They're all professors at USC. 27. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: It didn't want to get run over by a White Bronco. 28. Q: Why did Ron Goldman dump Nicole Simpson? A: Because she couldn't swallow. 29. Q: What were Ron Goldman's last words? A: "Say, aren't you O.J. Simpson?" 30. Q: What do a basketball court and a judicial court have in common? A: The white folk sit on the bench. 31. Q: Why did O.J. go to Nicole's house before he went to the airport? A: It was his last chance to split her uprights! 32. O.J. is U.S.C. - Up Shit Creek... 33. Q: What are O.J.'s favorite movies? A: "Death Becomes Her" "The Terminator" "Heaven Can Wait" "Blade Runner" 34. From the Tonight show a few days ago: "O.J. went into the hospital for a biospy. When the doctor pulled out his scalpel O.J. said, "You call that a knife?!" 35. Q: What's harder than squeezing blood from a turnip? A: Squeezing O.J. from a Bronco. 36. THE BALLAD OF O.J. SIMPSON tune: "The Ballad of Lizzie Borden" (Chad Mitchell Trio, 1961) Yesterday out in Los Angeles, Nicole and Ronald died. And they busted O.J. Simpson on a charge of homicide. Well, he might not have done it but the media think he did, And Michael Jackson's volunteered to take care of the kids. 'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California, Contrary to all popular belief. No, you can't cut your exes up in California, You know it's gonna cause a lot of grief. Well, he might have used a razor 'cause the airline lost his gun, But he didn't use a hatchet 'cause THAT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE! Now poor O.J.'s in the jailhouse, and they're looking for the knife. For just ten million dollars, he might get off with life. 'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California, And then blame all the damage on the heat. No, you can't cut your exes up in California, With evidence upon the Bronco seat. You can sell a ton of crack and the cops will turn their back. You can rape and burn and loot; they don't want another suit. You can peddle phony stock like they do in Little Rock, But you can't turn your ex into a Pez dispenser. California is a far cry from DC. No, you can't cut your exes up in California, And then go out and drive around the town. No, you can't cut your exes up in California, It's almost sure to make the jury frown. [knuckles on guitar body: KNOCK! KNOCK!] 37. The jury selection in the O.J. trial has begun. Rumor has it that potential jurors who weren't selected are being issued T-Shirts that say "O.J. Jury Reject - Didn't Make the Cut." 38. Q: Why didn't Nicole Simpson go out drinking with her friends after dinner? A: She wanted to go home and get ripped. 39. Here is an action joke about O.J. Imagine someone walking around with his hands together behind his back wiggling his fingers. That person then askes: "What is this?" Answer: "O.J. Simpson signing autographs." 40. Q. What did Nicole say to Ron on the phone when she called the restaurant? A. "It wouldn't kill you to bring over my glasses." 41. Q: Why didn't Nicole's other boyfriends go down on her? A: Because they knew the Juice would kill them. 42. Q: What was the last thing Nicole said to O.J.? A: Yeah, I'm screwing the waiter! What are you going to do about it? 43. Q: Did you here about the new Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor? A: It's called White Bronco: Vanilla with two chocolate-covered nuts inside. 44. Al Cowlings: O.J., my man! Haven't seen you in a while. How's Nicole? O.J.: I think she's dead. A.C.: What do you mean you think she's dead? O.J.: I dunno. The sex is still the same, but the dishes are piling up in the sink. 45. Q: Why did O.J. make that now-famous run in the Bronco? A: He figured it would be a long time before he would be able to take an exciting ride inside anything white again. 46. Robert Shapiro has come up with a new defense for O.J. He's following Lorena Bobbit's example and will say that O.J. was not trying to slit his wife's throat, but rather was trying to cut off Goldman's dick. 47. Q: What does BRONCO stand for? A: Black Repeat Offender Needs Car Operator. 48. From Jay Leno's monologue: Did you hear O.J. has his own Christmas wish list? He asked Santa for a brand new set of DNA. 49. Q: What did Santa Claus bring O.J. for Christmas? A: New gloves, a ski mask, a new hunting knife and a bottle of stain remover. 50. Q: Did you hear O.J. is coming out with a new movie? A: It's called, "It WAS a Wonderful Life." 51. Another Jay Leno joke: "Man that Johnnie Cochran is a smooth talking lawyer... Even O.J. thinks he's innocent!" 52. We heard that after watching the Super Bowl, O.J. commented it was the second worst massacre he'd ever seen... 53. Yet another Jay Leno joke: Q: Did you here O.J. is merchandizing to help pay for his defense? A: There's a problem with the watches, though. There seems to be an hour missing from 10:00pm to 11:00pm. 54. Q: Why would O.J. make a good stand-up comedian? A: He always kept Nicole in stitches! 55. Rumor has it that Disney is going to make a new movie based on the life of O.J. Simpson. They're gonna call it, "The Lyin' Coon." 56. Q: What is the difference between Kato the dog and Kato Kaelin? A: One is a long-haired, mangy mutt who is a witness in the Simpson case and the other is a dog. 57. Q: What do Nicole Brown Simpson and the Australian Yacht in the America's Cup have in common? A: They both went down in under 2 1/2 minutes. 58. Q: What was the last thing Nicole Brown ever saw? A: Just teeth and eyeballs! 59. To the tune of "Must be Santa CLaus" Who shopped around for a special knife? O.J. shopped around for a special knife. Who was late to catch his flight? O.J. was late to catch his flight. Late for flight Special knife Must be O.J...must be O.J...must be O.J...O.J. Simpson. Who said "So I killed the bitch?" O.J. said "So I killed the bitch?" Who screamed it out it front of a snitch O.J. screamed it out in front of a snitch Heard by snitch Kill the bitch Late for flight Special knife Must be O.J...must be O.J...must be O.J...O.J. Simpson. Who fled the cops in a White Bronco? O.J. fled the cops in a White Bronco. Who's got a hundred cops in tow? O.J. got a hundred cops in tow. Cops in tow White Bronco Heard by snitch Kill the bitch Late for flight Special knife Must be O.J...must be O.J...must be O.J...O.J. Simpson. 60. Don't know if you've heard, but Shapiro is in a lot of trouble. It seems that he's been sneaking hookers into O.J.'s cell. He got one in last night, and she and O.J. were goin' at it. Afterward she told O.J., "I've got some good news and some bad news." O.J. says, "I'm in prison, I'm up on murder charges. I think I've had just about all the bad news I can handle. What's the good news?" "You're four inches longer than Magic." 61. With the air conditioner on in the courtroom, it got so cold that O.J. asked for his hat and glove back. 62. Q: Did you hear they found the murder weapon for the OJ Simpson trial? A: It's a six-foot spade. 63. Jack Diamond in Diamond In The Morning - WMIX 107.3 FM, Washington, DC Woodpeckers have drilled 135 holes into the Space Shuttle external fuel tank. To put things into perspective, that's almost as many holes as O.J. Simpson's alibi. 64. Joke told recently in Judge Ito's's courtroom. One of O.J. Simpson's lawyers approaches his client. "I have good news and bad news," he says "Which do you want to first?" "The bad news," O.J. says. "The bad news is that it is your blood all over the crime scene, that the DNA proves it." "So what's the good news?" O.J. asks. "The good news is that your cholesterol is only 130." What is noteworthy is not the joke itself but who was telling it, where, how and to whom. Much to the chagrin of O.J.'s lawyers, it was told by Judge Ito himself, in his robe, at the bench, to Johnnie Cochran during a break in the trial. 65. Q. Why does Marcia Clark wear mini-skirts in court? A. She wants to win the Simpson case on appeal. 66. Johnnie Cochran: O.J., all this blood evidence is very damaging. We've got to get a change of venue to West Virginia. O.J.: How come? J.C.: Because, in West Virginia, everybody has the same DNA. 67. Dennis Miller to Jay Leno: "The O.J. trial's gone on for so long that Johnnie Cochran and Robert Shapiro have been able to shed their skins three times since it began." *68. Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. Samuel Johnson to an aspiring writer Your testimony is both good and truthful, but the part that is good is not truthful and the part that is truthful is not good. Marcia Clark to Mark Fuhrman *69. I heard a new Mark Fuhrman beer is being released. It has no head and a long red neck. _________________________________ \___/ | To subscribe, send e-mail to | \___/ *---________-o O- > joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net | -O O-________ | ## \Y/ | with the word SUBSCRIBE < \Y/ ### |\_* | ____ #_ | | on the first line | | _ ___# | |/|/ |/|/ \_______________________________/ \|\| \|\| W W W W || || W W W W \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ --- ~ TLX v4.00 ~ This sentence is false. From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Sat Oct 14 03:26:07 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) To: joke@tdkt.skypoint.net Subject: You might be a High Tech Redneck If... Lines: 47 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net This was sent to me by a regular contributor, Gregg Mack, who works in Austin, TX. He of course is not a redneck... ------------------------------------------------- How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck" (source unknown) If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com" If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page" If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop" If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson" If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT" If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all" _________________________________ \___/ | To subscribe, send e-mail to | \___/ *---________-o O- > joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net | -O O-________ | ## \Y/ | with the word SUBSCRIBE < \Y/ ### |\_* | ____ #_ | | on the first line | | _ ___# | |/|/ |/|/ \_______________________________/ \|\| \|\| W W W W || || W W W W \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ --- ~ TLX v4.00 ~ I am not an animal! I am ... well, not an animal. From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Tue Sep 26 16:53:26 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) To: joke@tdkt.skypoint.net Subject: Student schedule Lines: 167 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net A day in the life of a grad-student... 6:30 Wakeup and lie awake in Bed 6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks 6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep. 7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the snooze button--you turned it off. 7:01 fall asleep again. 7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again. 7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria). 8:03 Arrive at school Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today must have got more work done 8:04 Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he is coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon. 8:15 Read electronic mail 8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much work to do today 9:00 For jumpstart: go to Pepsi machine. 9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask for your money back. Wonder why they would beleive you. 9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to your work. 9:41 Early morning stupefaction. Mutter racist comments to yourself about your officemate. 9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend. Feel good about him not grasping English well. 9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way around the world (using the "finger" command, of course) 10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night. 10:31 momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!! 10:43 edit .plan file. write a shell program to edit .plan more easily 10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you dont need & and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your project. 11:05 perverted daydreams 11:11 read electronic news mid-morning yawn time 11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend you are working hard as your advisor passes by from outside. 11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all the garbage you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type more than 256 characters per half minute 11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department 11:45 Print out some slides for afternoon's draft + presentation 11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last presentation 11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost 11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee- machine company 12:15 Hunger pangs: 12:20 BigMac/Fries time Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola. 1:00 Group Meeting with advisor 1:14 sudden awareness of one's shallowness resentment towards foriegn officemate for sucking up to your advisor Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature survey. 1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections 1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!! 1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/graduation possiblity/graduation date/all job opportunities/and the rest of your life. 1:52:53 Thank him 1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor. 1:53:00 splitting headache #1 1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do that 2:06 More generic cola 2:17 Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonite :-( 2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through 2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty. 2:48 More perverted day-dreams. Close the office door and open a few .gif files. sharpen pencil 3:06 worry about never graduating time to write a letter--NOT! no time for that. rearrange desk call up bank; see if you have any money fear of losing aid next Fall Read latex manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format 3:43 watch the clock make plans to do a all-nighter tonite Vow to watch only 2 TV programs 4:58 Notice Advisor leave 4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom Go home for quick, short dinner break. 9:00pm Come into the office 9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the office late at night to "get the work done" 9:03 Check electronic mail Decide it would be a good time to attack those ftp sites since network wont be loaded Run into "since network wont be loaded" traffic and get the pictures into your machine. Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make space. Back up all your pictures 10:11 Admire pictures Begin work; Realize you need references Realize its too late today to go to the library Sudden feeling of having wasted the day 10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night Decide to turn in early and come back very early tommorrow morning Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood. 11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on the scoreboard. Realize that your officemate is still at number 6, two notches above you on the scoreboard. 12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place. A sense of achievment!! Yes, today was not wasted!! Return home to find your roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad student day you had" Discuss philosophy with roommate 1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others (The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-) (Comp Sci joke) Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese cars and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold" to defrost the windshields faster. 1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today Get reminded of the "too much milk problem" 2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and go to sleep. \=/, _-===-_-====-_-===-_-==========-_-====-_ | @___oo ( Joke of the Day! )_ /\ /\ / (___,,,}_--= ) ) /^\) ^\/ _) =__ To be added or deleted, send e-mail ) ) /^\/ _) (_ to: joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net ) ) _ / / _) ( ) /\ )/\/ || | )_) (_ In the body of the message, type ) < > |(,,) )__) ( the word SUBSCRIBE or ) || / \)___)\ (_ UNSUBSCRIBE __) | \____( )___) )___ -==-_____-=====-_____-=====-___== \______(_______;;; __;;; --- ~ TLX v4.00 ~ Some days you're a bug, other days a windshield. From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Tue Oct 24 18:46:07 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) To: joke@tdkt.skypoint.net Subject: The Nun Weekend... Lines: 49 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..." **** NOTE: I'm headed to Florida in a few days... can any of you people down in Orlando arrange free admission to some of the more interesting attractions? If so, I'd love to know about it! _________________________________ \___/ | To subscribe, send e-mail to | \___/ *---________-o O- > joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net | -O O-________ | ## \Y/ | with the word SUBSCRIBE < \Y/ ### |\_* | ____ #_ | | on the first line | | _ ___# | |/|/ |/|/ \_______________________________/ \|\| \|\| W W W W || || W W W W \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ \|/ \|/ \\||// \!/ --- ~ TLX v4.00 ~ Man who fart in church sit in own pew. From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Wed Oct 25 09:38:53 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) To: joke@tdkt.skypoint.net Subject: Public Broadcasting... Lines: 90 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE IF THE PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CAVE IN TO REPUBLICAN PRESSURE 8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting passages of "Atlas Shrugged." 9:00 am Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings "Elitism is neat." The House Un-American Activities investigation of Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be his neighbor. 10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more judgemental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh. Bert and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all he Muppets white. 11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle-Down." Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on defense will balance the budget. Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole, explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else. 1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S. 2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan the need for more conservative media voices. 3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use machine guns to bag endangered species. 4:00 pm NOVA: "Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?" 5:00 pm Newt Gingrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan says he is being shut out from national exposure. 6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater. 7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of Wagner's "Prelude to a Cultural War." 8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsen's "A Doll's House." Phyllis Schafly adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly gives up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove. 9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss liberal media bias. 10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion 10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety, environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor. 11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle 11:01 pm Sign-Off ._________________________. /\__/\ | | / O O\_| Joke of the Day! | / \ Minnetonka, MN | / \ \ | / _ \ \______________________! / |\____\ \ || / | | | |\____/ || / \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list, / / \ ------- |_____| || send and e-mail to me at / | | | __) joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net | | | |_____ __) with the word SUBSCRIBE | |_|_|_| | \___) on the first line of the /\ | !! message. / /\ | / / / | | | _/ / | | | !_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c ... Might I interest you in a white jacket, extra long, with buckles? --- * TLX v4.00 * From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Mon Oct 30 17:34:14 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) To: joke@tdkt.skypoint.net Subject: Psychic Visit Lines: 44 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Well, I'm off in sunny Florida now, but I just wanted to let you all know that if you wish to unsubscribe, just send a message to joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net with the word SUBSCRIBE on the first line of the message. This is an automated process, so do not type other words in the message. If you do not get a response, it probably means that you mis-typed the address and your message is floating around in cyber space somewhere... - Scott **************** A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. After paying her a scandalous amount of money, the psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Grandaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat responds. "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes grandaughter, it's me," is the response. "It's really, really you grandmother?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me grandaughter." The woman looks puzzled. "You're SURE it's you grandmother?" "Yes, grandaughter - I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment. "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child," comes the response. The woman pauses another moment before asking, "Grandmother -- when did you learn to speak English?" \=/, _-===-_-====-_-===-_-==========-_-====-_ | @___oo ( Joke of the Day! )_ /\ /\ / (___,,,}_--= ) ) /^\) ^\/ _) =__ To be added or deleted, send e-mail ) ) /^\/ _) (_ to: joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net ) ) _ / / _) ( ) /\ )/\/ || | )_) (_ In the body of the message, type ) < > |(,,) )__) ( the word SUBSCRIBE or ) || / \)___)\ (_ UNSUBSCRIBE __) | \____( )___) )___ -==-_____-=====-_____-=====-___== \______(_______;;; __;;; --- ~ TLX v4.00 ~ You see me now, a veteran - of a thousand psychic wars. From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Wed Dec 6 05:25:05 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) To: joke@tdkt.skypoint.net Subject: Twas the Night Before Xmas Lines: 101 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.org **** 'Twas the Night Before Christmas **** - Written by the Government 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse). Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn." \=/, _-===-_-====-_-===-_-==========-_-====-_ | @___oo ( Joke of the Day! )_ /\ /\ / (___,,,}_--= ) ) /^\) ^\/ _) =__ To be added or deleted, send e-mail ) ) /^\/ _) (_ to: joke-request@tdkt.skypoint.net ) ) _ / / _) ( ) /\ )/\/ || | )_) (_ In the body of the message, type ) < > |(,,) )__) ( the word SUBSCRIBE or ) || / \)___)\ (_ UNSUBSCRIBE __) | \____( )___) )___ -==-_____-=====-_____-=====-___== \______(_______;;; __;;; ... Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself * TLX 4.10 * From joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Sat Dec 23 12:22:14 1995 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net (Scott Anderson) To: joke@tdkt.skypoint.net Subject: TEST - DO NOT REPLY Organization: JOTD, PO Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345 Lines: 57 Sender: joker@tdkt.skypoint.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.org Happy holiday everyone! I hope you are all having a great time celebrating with friends and family! The joke list will be back after the first of the year, but I just want to remind everyone that if you are going to be loosing your e-mail account or wish to unsubscribe for any reason, please do not send messages to me unless you are having trouble. To UNSUBCRIBE yourself from the list, please do the following: Send a e-mail to the automatic list processor address: majordomo@tdkt.org You must put the word UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE on the first line of the message. If you put anything else in the message, the command will not work. Once your command is successful, you'll get a message confirming that your command worked properly. Joke Stats: * Joke list members as of 12/21/95: 16,224 * Longest E-mail Address: 74 charactors * Shortest E-mail address: 8 charactors * Number of countries: 37 * Most members from a single site: 842 - America On-Line * Addresses most likely to bounce after 10 hour of use: 842 - America On-Line * Address most likely to go on a date with me: ProwlBabe@aol.com * Number of people who get offended at anything: 10 * Number of people who dislike Clinton Jokes: 8122 * Number of people who dislike Newt Jokes: 8122 * Number of people who love knock knock jokes: 0 * Number of people that don't usually understand the jokes: 152 * Number of people who think my serious messages are jokes: see above * Number of people I sent Christmas cards to: 257 * Number of people who mailed me a bowling ball: 1 * Number of Neman-Marcus cookie recipe chain letters mailed to me: 275 * Number of TAG chain letters mailed to me: 163 * Number of political petitions mailed to me: Who knows? I delete them. * Can's of Coke required to maintain the list: 7 per week * Total weight of all people on the joke list: 1,216.8 tons * Total length of members intestines: 438,048 feet Have a great holiday! -Scott ___________________________________ _ ______ | \ \ / \___-=O`/|O`/__| \ Scott Anderson \_______\ / | / (0} / Mail : Scott@tdkt.org / `/-==__ _/__|/__=-| / Joke of the Day Provider / * \ | | /_________________________________/ (o) --- ~ TLX 4.10 ~ Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. From joke-owner@gnt.net Sat Jul 27 02:14:45 1996 To: joke@gnt.net Subject: Excuses Organization: JOTD, PO Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345 Lines: 126 Sender: owner-joke@gnt.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.org Sorry it's been a few days since I've sent anything out... I've been unusally busy the last few days. Ever have some odd people ask you out? never know what to say? Here's some great excuses you can use... I'd love to, but... 1 I have to floss my cat. 2 I've dedicated my life to linguini. 3 I want to spend more time with my blender. 4 The President said he might drop in. 5 The man on television told me to say tuned. 6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 8 It's my parakeet's bowling night. 9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 10 I'm building a pig from a kit. 11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. 12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. 13 There's a disturbance in the Force. 14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. 16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. 19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 20 My crayons all melted together. 21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 22 I'm in training to be a household pest. 23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled. 24 My patent is pending. 25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 26 I'm sandblasting my oven. 27 I'm worried about my vertical hold. 28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 29 I'm being deported. 30 The grunion are running. 31 I'll be looking for a parking space. 32 My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. 33 The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 35 I have to fluff my shower cap. 36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. 38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 39 My plot to take over the world is thickening. 40 I have to fulfill my potential. 41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 42 It's too close to the turn of the century. 43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. 44 My subconscious says no. 45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. 46 I left my body in my other clothes. 47 The last time I went, I never came back. 48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting. 49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 50 None of my socks match. 51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. 52 I'm having all my plants neutered. 53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. 54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." 56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. 57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky. 58 I'm touring China with a wok band. 59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 60 I never go out on days that end in "Y." 61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it. 62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism. 63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down. 64 I'm too old/young for that stuff. 65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair. 66 I have too much guilt. 67 There are important world issues that need worrying about. 68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 71 I feel a song coming on. 72 I'm trying to be less popular. 73 My bathroom tiles need grouting. 74 I have to bleach my hare. 75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons. 77 You know how we psychos are. 78 My favorite commercial is on TV. 79 I have to study for a blood test. 80 I'm going to be old someday. 81 I've been traded to Cincinnati. 82 I'm observing National Apathy Week. 83 I have to rotate my crops. 84 My uncle escaped again. 85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup. 86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. 87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 88 I have to go to court for kitty littering. 89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. 91 Having fun gives me prickly heat. 92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. 93 I have to jog my memory. 94 My palm reader advised against it. 95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then. 96 I have to stay home and see if I snore. 97 I prefer to remain an enigma. 98 I think you want the OTHER [your name]. 99 I have to sit up with a sick ant. 100 I'm trying to cut down. 101 ... well, maybe. \=/, _-===-_-====-_-===-_-==========-_-====-_ | @___oo ( Joke of the Day! )_ /\ /\ / (___,,,}_--= ) ) /^\) ^\/ _) =__ To be added or deleted, send e-mail ) ) /^\/ _) (_ To: majordomo@gnt.com ) ) _ / / _) ( ) /\ )/\/ || | )_) (_ In the body of the message, type ) < > |(,,) )__) ( the words SUBSCRIBE JOKE ) || / \)___)\ (_ or UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE __) | \____( )___) )___ -==-_____-=====-_____-=====-___== \______(_______;;; __;;; --- ~ TLX 4.10 ~ I'd love to but, I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. From bcaton@sas.upenn.edu Thu Apr 18 20:25:51 1996 Posted-Date: Thu, 18 Apr 1996 23:24:48 -0400 (EDT) Subject: When we're professors...NOT (fwd) To: adam at xent dot com (adam rifkin) Cc: cdw5u@bohr.ms.virginia.edu (christian wilson) X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL23-upenn3.1] Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit fellas, you may have seen these before. if not, they are worth a look. maybe not more than that, but at least a once-through. bpc. > > > > 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class > > > > 1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling > > noises. > > 2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class > > for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that > > yesterday was the last day to drop. > > 3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and > > scream "MY PACEMAKER!" > > 4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop. > > 5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point > > to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" > > 6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you > > a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor > > can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy". > > 7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand > > them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the > > lecture, Mr. Smartypants?" > > 8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their > > responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade > > book while muttering "tsk, tsk". > > 9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird". > >10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class > > whether your butt looks fat. > >11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo. > >12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. > > Giggle throughout it. > >13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention > > hotline number on the board. > >14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore > > all questions. > >15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's > > "Sex Machine." > >16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps > > would know" and move on before anyone can answer. > >17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local > > phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will > > be a quiz. > >18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead > > of you as you pace back and forth. > >19. Address students as "worm". > >20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a > > single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at > > any moment. > >21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, > > and begin singing spirituals. > >22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a > > waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch. > >23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's > > name, rank, and serial number. > >24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce > > that the lecture's over when the bottle's done. > >25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a > > question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song. > >26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for > > several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence > > and proceed normally. > >27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone > > asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions > > with your hands. > >28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear. > >29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey". > >30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers > > and ask students to "sit back and groove". > >31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class > > projects. > >32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code > > all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements. > >33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers > > McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, > > walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?" > >34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles". > >35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 > > number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself > > in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who > > don't use it. > >36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular > > intervals. > >37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching > > assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours. > >38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you > > lecture. > >39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside. > >40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every > > ten minutes. > >41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake > > the funk". > >42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver > > them in rapid-fire auctioneer style. > >43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral > > hygiene. > >44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be > > required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, > > Aardvark through Armenia, for next class. > >45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. > > Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book. > >46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie. > >47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams. > >48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class. > >49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to > > keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something > > about "that bug I picked up in the field". > >50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, > > "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!" > > > > ._________________________. > > /\__/\ | | > > / O O\_| Joke of the Day! | > > / \ Minnetonka, MN | > > / \ \ | > > / _ \ \______________________! > > / |\____\ \ || > > / | | | |\____/ || > > / \| | | |/ | _|| To be added to the list, > > / / \ ------- |_____| || send and e-mail to me at > > / | | | __) majordomo@gnt.com > > | | | |_____ __) with the words SUBSCRIBE JOKE > > | |_|_|_| | \___) on the first line of the > > /\ | !! message. > > / /\ | / > > / / | | | > > _/ / | | | > >!_/ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c > >--- > > =9C TLX 4.10 =9C Why did Kamakazie pilots wear helmets??? > > > -- Brian P. Caton University of Pennsylvania Dept. of History 3401 Walnut St. Room 352B Phila., PA 19104-6228 bcaton@mail.sas.upenn.edu From bcaton@sas.upenn.edu Thu Apr 18 20:27:52 1996 Posted-Date: Thu, 18 Apr 1996 23:26:46 -0400 (EDT) Subject: The Prof! (fwd) To: adam at xent dot com (adam rifkin), cdw5u@bohr.ms.virginia.edu (christian wilson) X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL23-upenn3.1] Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit more of the same. bpc. > > > > > > > WHAT THE PROFESSOR REALLY MEANS > > > > By: J. Timothy Petersik from the Chronicle of Higher Education > > > > _________________________________________________________________ > > > > > > You'll be using one of the leading I used it as a grad student. > > textbooks in the field. > > > > If you follow these few simple rules, If you don't need any sleep, you'll > > you'll do fine in the course. do fine in the course. > > > > The gist of what the author is saying I don't understand the details > > is what's most important. either. > > > > Various authorities agree that... My hunch is that... > > > > The answer to your question is beyond I don't know. > > the scope of this class. > > > > You'll have to see me during my office I don't know. > > hours for a thorough answer to your > > question. > > > > In answer to your question, you must I really don't know. > > recognize that there are several > > disparate points of view. > > > > Today we are going to discuss a most Today we are going to discuss my > > important topic. dissertation. > > > > Unfortunately, we haven't the time to I disagree with what roughly half > > consider all of the people who made of the people in this field have > > contributions to this field. said. > > > > We can continue this discussion outside 1. I'm tired of this - let's quit. > > of class. 2. You're winning the arguement - > > let's quit > > > > Today we'll let a member of the class I stayed out to late last night and > > lead the discussion. It will be a good didn't have time to prepare a > > educational experience. lecture > > > > Any questions? I'm ready to let you go. > > > > The implications of this study are I don't know what it means either, > > clear. but there'll be a question about it > > on the test. > > > > The test will be 50-questions The test will be 60-questions > > multiple choice. multiple guess, plus three short- > > answer questions (1000 words or more) > > and no one will score above 55% > > > > The test scores were generally good. Some of you managed a C+. > > > > The test scores were a little below Where was the party last night? > > my expectations. > > > > Some of you could have done better. Everyone flunked. > > > > Before we begin the lecture for Has anyone opened the book yet? > > today, are there any questions about > > previous material? > > > > According to my sources... According to the guy who taught this > > class last year... > > > > It's been very rewarding to teach I hope they find someone else to > > this class. teach it next year. > > > > > > _________________________________________________________________ > > -- Brian P. Caton University of Pennsylvania Dept. of History 3401 Walnut St. Room 352B Phila., PA 19104-6228 bcaton@mail.sas.upenn.edu From joke-owner@gnt.net Wed Jun 12 14:32:40 1996 To: joke@gnt.com Subject: Quiz - Are you a Guy? Organization: JOTD, PO Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345 Lines: 136 Sender: owner-joke@gnt.net Reply-To: joker@tdkt.org This next bit comes from author Dave Barry. This is from one of his books, so if you like this, go out and buy all his books in the humo(u)r section of most bookstores. I'm not sure if he is truly witty or just insane, but either way, he's a very funny guy... ARE YOU A GUY??? 1) Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations c. Take it apart 2) As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence b. Idealism c. Cherry bombs 3) When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection wihtout regard for narrow-minded social conventions b. When he is the pope (Not on the lips) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have ot have him killed 4) What about hugging another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneauver (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) he is legally within the basepath, (2) both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) you also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures 5) Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...... a. remember the deceases and console his loved ones b. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life c. tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer 6) In your opinion, the ideal pet is a. A cat b. A dog c. A dog that eats cats 7) You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together, What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it b. That although you also have stong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen 8) Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her c. Tell her what? 9) One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?" 10) When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her 11) What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there c. He refused to ask directions 12) What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Deomcracy b. Relgion c. Remote Control How to score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at leasst 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease AND cancer. PS - If you have sent me a message to unsubscribe or change your address, I have not yet done that but will soon. The fastest way is to send a message to majordomo@gnt.com with the message UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE. I'll get around to it this week sometime, so don't panic if you're still getting the jokes. +--------------------------------------------------+ | /----------------------------\ | | | To join, send a message to | | | |\/\/\/| / majordomo@gnt.com \ | | | | | with the words SUBSCRIBE JOKE | | | | (o)(o) | on the first line of message | | | c _) \_ ___________________________/ | | | '___| | / | | | / <_/ | | /____\ | | | / \ | +--------------------------------------------------+ --- ~ TLX 4.10 ~ ... Vuja De - The Feeling You've Never Been Here. From null@joker.org Fri Sep 19 20:37:13 1997 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA07807; Fri, 19 Sep 97 20:37:10 PDT Received: from mail.joker.org (ppp-66-59.dialup.winternet.com) by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09291; Fri, 19 Sep 97 20:36:02 PDT Received: from [192.168.0.1] by mail.joker.org (NTList 3.02.12) id ia020314; Thu, 18 Sep 1997 22:23:51 -0500 Comments: Authenticated sender is From: "Scott Anderson" To: joke@joker.org Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 22:23:10 -0500 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7BIT Subject: More fun things to try... Reply-To: joker@joker.org Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Win32 (v2.52) X-Info: The Original Joke of the Day! http://www.joker.org Message-Id: <03231056100006@joker.org> X-Listmember: adam at xent dot com [joke@joker.org] Status: RO Winning friends and influencing people in the office---NOT 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 8. Practice making fax and modem noises. 9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 16. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 18. Honk and wave to strangers. 19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.. 21. type only in lowercase. 22. dont use any punctuation either 23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 27. Ask people what gender they are. 28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 30. Sing along at the opera. 31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 33. While sitting in your cube, yodel. Be sure and pass this around and remind people that they can be added to the list very easily! Just send the message SUBSCRIBE JOKE to: jokelist@joker.org ___________________________ ____ _ ______ | \ \ / \___-=O`/|O`/__| \ Scott Anderson \_______\ / | / (0} / Mail : joker@joker.org / `/-==__ _/__|/__=-| / Joke of the Day Provider / * \ | | /______________________________/ http://www.joker.org (o) _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ This is the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day! Millions of humorous e-mails sent around the globe since 1994! To be ADDED: Send SUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org To be REMOVED: send UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ A bad day on the bike always beats a good day in the office! From null@joker.org Tue Oct 14 15:37:21 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4906" "Mon" "13" "October" "1997" "21:29:25" "-0500" "Scott Anderson" "joker@joker.org" nil "122" "Guide to Minnesota Snow" "^From:" nil nil "10" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA14478; Tue, 14 Oct 97 15:37:19 PDT Received: from mail.joker.org (ppp-66-19.dialup.winternet.com) by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA00938; Tue, 14 Oct 97 15:36:30 PDT Received: from [192.168.0.1] by mail.joker.org (NTList 3.02.12) id ya030522; Mon, 13 Oct 1997 21:29:58 -0500 Comments: Authenticated sender is Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7BIT Reply-To: joker@joker.org Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Win32 (v2.52) X-Info: The Original Joke of the Day! http://www.joker.org Message-Id: <02292613400077@joker.org> X-Listmember: adam at xent dot com [joke@joker.org] From: "Scott Anderson" To: joke@joker.org Subject: Guide to Minnesota Snow Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 21:29:25 -0500 Wow! Tonight we're having our first snow of the season here in Minneapolis! My little brother who is going to college in Moorhead, MN said that 6 inches (15 cm) of snow fell near where he lives. Now that winter has started, we can start skiing very soon, I thought I'd better send out the Minnesota Skier's Guide. Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European. Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however; the two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique. It's good exercise, doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes: 1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs. 2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes. 3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. Inertia: Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: 1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital and home care bills. 2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. 3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see "Tree") Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple profanity. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. Ski!: A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill). Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?" Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method. _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ This is the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day! Millions of humorous e-mails sent around the globe since 1994! To be ADDED: Send SUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org To be REMOVED: send UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ "Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman" From joker@mail.winternet.com Tue Oct 28 00:01:20 1997 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: joke@joker.org X-Distribution: Mass Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7BIT Subject: Technology Org chart Reply-To: joker@joker.org Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Win32 (v2.52) WHAT THE ORGANIZATIONAL CHART DOESN'T TELL YOU In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has window offices. So I have listed -- from lowest to highest in order of prestige -- and described the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data processing shop. A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions...usually all at the same time. 10. Programmer: This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer's time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop. The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to Systems Analyst. 9. Systems Analyst: The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures and work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team Leader position. 8. Team Leader: A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn't know why he's not called Project Leader; that's what he has on his resume. 7. Project Leader: Manages several projects at once. Analyzes Gantt charts from the Team Leaders' projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders' projects. Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders' projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders' projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again. 6. Operator: The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream about. Makes Programmers beg for tape drives. Makes Analysts beg for disk space. Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. Has an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data processing industry. Going to law school at night. 5. Systems Programmer: Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A Systems Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without warning. Crash the system during user demos. Make new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially during month-end processing. 4. DBA: No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of them. 3. Manager: The Manager is sometimes called a Director. Or an Assistant Vice-President. Or an Account Manager. Has completely lost touch with any facsimile of technology. Wants to finish next year's budget. Wants to finish last year's appraisals. Wants to learn the names of some of the Programmers. But instead, only has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs. 2. Department Secretary: The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee needs: paychecks, rumors, and supplies. Can make copier self-destruct just by going to lunch. 1. Contract Programmer: A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit. Or go to meetings. Or fill out time cards. Or keep complaints to himself. He can make all the mistakes he wants. He doesn't get benefits. He doesn't get training. He doesn't get respect. But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: He will be able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate managers by puting in all kinds of extra hours... and will be paid overtime for every one of them. _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ This is the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day! Millions of humorous e-mails sent around the globe since 1994! To be ADDED: Send SUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org To be REMOVED: send UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ From null@joker.org Thu Dec 18 09:29:04 1997 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: joke@joker.org Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: Quoted-printable Subject: Bungie Jumping X-Listmember: adam at xent dot com [joke@joker.org] Content-Length: 1246 This one comes from Carlos Alejandro Dugarte Clap=E9s... Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungie Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets. Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back. As he came back up Zeke noticed that his clothes were torn and wondered what that was all about. Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here." Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body. Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?" Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata??" _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ This is the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day! Millions of humorous e-mails sent around the globe since 1994! To be ADDED: Send SUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org To be REMOVED: send UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself... From null@joker.org Thu Feb 5 09:47:46 1998 To: joke@joker.org Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7BIT Subject: Driving Around the World X-Listmember: adam at xent dot com [joke@joker.org] Content-Length: 3272 Now before sending me hate mail saying that people in your areas don't drive like this, just remember, I'm about the worst driver there is! This is all in good humor folks. You'll probably chuckle until your state is mentioned. HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM: - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York - One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston - One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy - One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male - One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male - One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female - Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado - One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate. - Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. - Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" (or could it be Marge Simpson?) - Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident (as anyone who has ever driven through this lovely state can attest) _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ This is the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day! Millions of humorous e-mails sent around the globe since 1994! To be ADDED: Send SUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org To be REMOVED: send UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ Locked coathanger in car. Good thing I had a key. From null@joker.org Tue Feb 24 00:33:52 1998 To: joke@joker.org Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7BIT Subject: New Software X-Listmember: adam at xent dot com [joke@joker.org] Content-Length: 3681 And now a word from our Joke of the Day Sponsor... America's #1 comedy newsletter for business/professional speakers offers "We're Roasting Harry Tuesday Night, How to Plan, Write & Conduct the Business/Social Roast." Half "how to", half professional roast lines. Send $20US to The Jokesmith, 44 Queen's View Road, Marlboro, MA 01752. We'll send info on the newsletter too! ($45/four quarterly issues.) "Harry" is the perfect gift or reference book. _/_/_/_/_/ A Guide to Software Revisions Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This e-mail provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify. 1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy. 1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ... 1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too. 2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it. 2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs. 2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused! 2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!! 3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this. 3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things. 4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ... 4.1: Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest! 5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this. 6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number. 6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them. _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ This is the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day! Millions of humorous e-mails sent around the globe since 1994! To be ADDED: Send SUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org To be REMOVED: send UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ That's not a bug! That's a feature! From null@joker.org Wed Feb 25 01:54:34 1998 To: joke@joker.org Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7BIT Subject: Finmals Time X-Listmember: adam at xent dot com [joke@joker.org] Content-Length: 2996 I know many people on the list will be having final exams very soon, and this form might help you bump up your grade a little bit. You'll want to print this out, fill it out and give it to your professor. But umm... err...don't mention my name. ---- UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM University: ______________________ To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________ I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons: __1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did. __2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did. __3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into: ______Medical School ______Graduate School ______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority ______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech __4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________. __5. I'll lose my scholarship. __6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam. __7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam. __8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact. __9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles. __10. You are prejudiced against: ____Males ____Jews ____Blacks ____Females ____Catholics ____Whites ____Protestants ____Moslems ____Minorities ____Chicanos ____People ____Students __11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance. __12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness: ____mono ____broken baby finger ____acute alcoholism ____pregnancy ____VD ____fatherhood __13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done. __14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull. __15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade. __16. The lectures were: ____too detailed to pick out important points ____not explained in sufficient detail ____too boring ____all jokes and not enough material ____all of the above __17. This course was: ____too early, I was not awake. ____at lunchtime, I was hungry ____too late, I was tired __18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course. __19. Other__________________________________ _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ This is the ORIGINAL Joke of the Day! Millions of humorous e-mails sent around the globe since 1994! To be ADDED: Send SUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org To be REMOVED: send UNSUBSCRIBE JOKE to jokelist@joker.org _/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ Birth, school, work, death. About sums it up, I think.