600 jokes and maybe two dozen laughs... Q: What's the hardest part about getting your sex changed from male to female? A: Inserting the anchovies. What do 10 million battered women have in common? They don't know when to shut up. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: why is it a bad idea to cook vegetables in an oven? A: coz it melts the rubber on their wheelchairs.. Q: What do you call a girl with two toilets? A: Lulu! Q: Why did the blind chicken cross the road? A: To get to the bird's eye shop! Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? A: If it had four, it would be a sedan. Q: Did you hear about the guy born with three testicles ? A: He was getting dates left, right, and centre. Q: What do you say to a guy who is driving a Hyundai and has 2 pit bulls? A: Nice car! Q: Who is the most popular male at a nudist colony? A: The one who can carry a dozen donuts and two pots of coffee. Q: Who is the most popular female at a nudist colony? A: The one who can eat the last donut. Q: Do you know how i can make my dick 18 inches long? A: Fold it in half. Q: Why do blondes always fail their drivers tests? A: Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat. Q: How did the Iowan die in the pie eating contest? A: A cow stepped on his head. Q: What do you call nuts on a wall? A: Walnuts. Q: What do you call nuts on your chest? A: Chestnuts. Q: What do you call nuts on your chin? A: Blowjob. Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic policeman? A: He spent Friday night giving out IUD's. Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an octopus? A: I don't know either, but it sure can pick a lot of lettuce! Q: Why dont women have brains ??? A: Cuz they dont have a dick to put it in. Q: What do the Atlanta Braves have in common with Rin Tin Tin? A: They both prefer to come from behind. Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"? A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" Q: Why was Santa Claus arrested? A: He got caught laying dolls under the tree. Q: What did one tampax say to the other tampax? A: Nothing because they're both stuck up cunts Q: What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common? A: They both have colored balls. Q: Why did Spock pee on the ceiling? A: To go where no man has gone before. Q: What did Spock find in the toilet? A: The Captain's log Q: Why were they sending women with PMS to Saudi Arabia? A: Because they're mean and they retain water. Q: Why did the pervert cross the road? A: Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken. Q: How did the dead baby cross the road? A: Stapled to the chicken. Q: What does a Polish woman get from her husband on their wedding night that's long and hard? A: A new last name. Q: Did you hear of the American Indian once drank tea all day and all night? A: He was found dead in his tea pee. Q: Did you hear about the new job opening circumcising elephants? A: The pay's terrible but the tips are enormous! Q: Why do black people keep chickens in their gardens ? A: To teach their kids how to walk. Q: What's Snow Whites favorite drink ? A: Seven Up. Q: What did the kid who had AIDS get for christmas ? A: Cancer. Q: What's black and got a hole in the middle ? A: Marvin Gaye. Q: What do you call a black woman who's had 12 abortions ? A: Crime Prevention Officer. Q: What do you call a black man in a suit ? A: The accused. Q: What do you say to an black man with a job ? A: Big Mac and fries, twice. Q: Did you hear that one of the California Raisins died earlier today? A: Police are looking for a cereal killer. Q: What do you call a woman with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch. Q: What do Billy Graham and the Vikings have in common? A: On Sunday, they both can get 65,000 people on there feet yelling Jesus Christ. Q: Did you hear about the tuna that lost his job? A: He got canned. Q: Which costs more, beer nuts or deer nuts? A: Deer nuts, they're under a buck. Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny woman? A: One is a phony buck. Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of girls and a magician? A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts. Q: What's the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? A: One is a cunning runt. Q: What's the difference between a queer and a refrigerator? A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. Q: What did Mick Jagger say when he saw Hugh Hefner screwing Dennis Weaver ? A: Hey Hugh, get off of McCloud. Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund? A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie. Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England? A: So the other one could drive! Q: Why do they bury lawyers 26 feet under? A: Because they're really nice guys deep down. Q: Where did the Challenger crew go for vacation? A: All over Florida. Q: What was the last thing Christa McCauliffe said to her husband as she was leaving for work? A: You feed the dog, and I'll feed the fish. Q: How did the ground crew discover that Christa McCauliffe had dandruff? A: They found her head and shoulders on the beach. Q: What does a mother gerbil say to her baby gerbils? A: "Now don't go hanging around any assholes." Q: Did you hear about the toothless termite who walked into the bar and asked: "Is the bar tender here?" Q: What are the first symptoms of AIDS ? A: An awful pain in your asshole, and a warm breath on your back. Q: What's the worst thing about aids? A: Leaving your friends behind! Q: What do you call an African stimulant? A: A pygmy-up. Q: What do you get when a lawn mower runs over a canary? A: Shredded tweet. Q: What name was given to E.T.s pregnant sister? A: E.Z. Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. Q: Did you hear about the wild dog problem? A: A scientist has come up with a solution to this problem - its called spot remover. Q: What would it take to bring the beatles back together? A: 3 more bullets... Q: why can't Elway use the phone anymore? A: cause he can't find the receiver. Q: Why does Elway eat his cereal from a plate? A: cause he's lost all 3 of his bowls. Q: Did you hear about the new nursery rhymes for African-Americans? A: It's called Motherfucker Goose. Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat miner. Q: What's green and hangs from trees? A: Giraffe snot. Q: Do you know what mothballs smell like? R: Really, how do you get their little legs apart. Q: What's stiff and excites women? A: Elvis Presley Q: What's yellow and lives off dead Beatles? A: Yoko Ono Q: What was John Lennon's last hit? A: The New York sidewalk Q: What's black and shrivelled and hangs from the ceiling? A: An Polish Electrician\" Q: What's red and wrinkly and hangs out your pants? A: Your Grandmother Q: Did you hear the irish seascout? A: His tent sank. Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs? A: To trip low flying canaries. Q; Did you hear about the new Playboy magazine for married men? A: It repeats the same centerfold month after month after month. Q: What do you do with *365* used rubbers? A: Make them into a tire and call them a Goodyear. Q: What do you call an Irish homosexual? A: Gay-lick. Q: What do you call a Chinese homosexual? A: Chew-man-chew. Q: What do you call a Jewish homosexual? A: He-blew. Q: If you're an Russian when you go into the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you while you're in the bathroom? A: European. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs in a swimming pool? A: Bob Barker Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: Add root beer and ice cream. Q: How many 'colored persons' does it take to clean a toilet? A: None, it's a feminists job! Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: with two scoops of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby. Q: How can you tell if you have an overbite? A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit. Q: Why do wrap a hamster in electrician's tape? A: So it won't explode when you fuck it. Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: You take your foot off its head and let it rise to the surface. Q: What's 6.9? A: a 69 interrupted by a period. Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? A: A Christian Science Monitor. Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk? A: An utter failure. Q: What is the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss? A: An Australian kiss is way down under! Q: Why do women have 2 sets of lips? A: So they can piss and moan at the same time. Q: What' an Innuendo? A: An Italian suppository. Q: Why doesn't a woman's guts fall out through her twat when she stands up? A: Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place. Q: Why did the Japanese leper commit hara-kiri (suicide)? A: Because he lost face. Q: Why did God create women? A: Because sheep can't type! Q: What do you call a fig newton made on the other side of the world? A: A far fig newton. Q: Why did God invent alcohol? A: So ugly women can get laid too. Q: How are Lobster, Crab, and A Chinese guy who's been run over by a steam roller, related? A: The answer is all three are crust-aceans (get it? "crushed asians?") Q: What do you call a gay indian? A: A brave sucker! Q: What do lepers serve at tea? A: Finger sandwiches.... Q: What did the leper say after he threw a tantrum? A: "Sorry folks, I lost my head...." Q: What is a favorite leper party song? A: "You put your left foot in, you put your right foot in.." Q: What do good Samaritan lepers say? A: "Do you need a hand with that?" Q: What's the difference between having sex with a JAP and a bowl of Jello? A: The Jello wiggles Q: What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey? A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a bowl of Jello? A: Jello moves when you eat it. Q: Why were the gay soldiers sent first to Iraq? A: Because they had their shit packed already!! Q: How do you tell if your roommate's a homo? A: His dick tastes like shit. Q: What do you think Groucho would be doing today if he were alive? A: Trying to get the hell out of that coffin.... Brrraaaa haaaaa haaa haa Confucious say; woman who fly upside down have crack up. Q: Where do the Knights of the Round Table go to have sex? A: COME-alot Q: How is the United States Post Office like Kennys Shoe Company??? A: They both have 10,000 black loafers!!!! Q: What do you get when you go into the seminary? A: PASTORized Q: What's brown and has holes in it? A: Swiss shit Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A: A nervous wreck. Q: What is red and full of feathers? A: A fallen angel. Q: Why are Mexican steering wheels so small? A: Handcuffs only stretch so far. Q: How many ears does Mr. Spock have? A: 3. A Left Ear, a Right Ear, and a Final Front Ear! Q: What's a definition of an orgy? A: A party where everyone comes. Q: Why was the girl wearing her sunglasses? A: She was having sunny periods. Q: What did one lesbian say to the other? A: Your face or mine? Q: Who is the oldest living Kamikaze pilot? A: Chicken Teriyaki. Q: Did you here the one about the Pollack who stapled his balls together? A: He heard that if you can't lick 'em, join 'em. Q: Why do secretaries take 1/2 hour lunch\" "never argue with your wife.. just dicker" Q: What did one casket say to the other? A: Is that you coughin'? Q: What do Appalachians do for Halloween? A: Pumpkin (pump kin) Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A: Full!!!! Q: Did you hear about the man who had five penises??? A: His pants fit him like a glove!!!! Q: What's 5 miles long and goes 2 miles an hour???? A: A Mexican funeral procession with only one pair of jumper cables!!!! Q: Did you here about the Greek boy who ran away from home? A1: He didn't like the way his father was rearing him. A2: Yeah, but he came back. He couldn't bear to leave his brothers behind. Q: Why'd the little boy cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? A: It's asshole. Q: What's the second to last thing to go through that bug's mind? A: Oh, shit. Q: Why did God give women legs? A: So they wouldn't leave slime trails... Q: What 2 things in the air can get a woman pregnant??? A: Her feet!!!! Q: Why are the Vikings like a Tampon? A1: Because after one period they are no longer any useful. A2: Because they don't have second string! Q: Did ya hear that Linda Lovelace has replaced the current Vikings Coach. A: They figure she might blow a few, but she won't choke on the big one. Q: what is the most expensive liquid known? A: lawyer`s ink. Q: How is a good woman like a piano??? A: When she's not UPRIGHT, she's GRAND!!!! Q: Why couldn't the two elephants both go swimming? A: They only had one pair of trunks! Q: Why do farmers fuck at the edge of a cliff? A: The sheep tend to push back harder that way! Q: How can you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?? A: When she farts, her knees bag!!!!! Q: What is the toughest thing to do after eating a bald pussy???? A: Putting the diaper back on !!!!!!!!!!! Q: What's the hardest part about getting your sex changed from male to female? A: How about sucking getting half of your brains sucked out? Q: What's the hardest part about getting your sex changed from female to male? A: Inserting the brain into the penis. Q: What's green and skates? A: Peggy Phlegm. Q: What's green and goes: Doobee, doobee, doo? A: Frank Snotra Q: What is Bach doing now? A: De-composing. Q: What sits on a piano bench and stinks? A: Beethoven's Last Movement.\" Q: What's 14 inches long and hangs from an asshole? A: A lawyer's necktie. Q: How did Helen Keller's fingers turn purple? A: She heard it through the grapevine. Q: What does a JAP make for dinner? A: Reservations Q: Why did the muffler go to bed? A: Because it was exhausted. Q: Why didn't the motorcycle wake up? A: Because it was too (2) tired. Q: What's pink and goes up and down in a cot ? A: A child molesters bum. Q: What goes 'now you see me, now you don't, etc etc' ? A: Black man crossing a pedestrian crossing. Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate. Q: What do you do when your Kotex catches fire? A: Throw it on the floor and Tampon it. Q: Why do Mexicans eat beans every day? A: So they can take a bubble bath at night. Secretary: "May I use your Dictaphone?" Boss: "Use your finger like everyone else." Q: Did you hear about the retarded Arab terrorists? A: They attacked the Special Olympics. Q: What's green and eats nuts? A: Syphilis... Q: What animal has an asshole half-way up its back? A: A police horse. Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A Carrot!! Q: What do the Saudis have in their underpants? A: SCUD marks. Q: Did you know that the word "gullible" has been removed from the Oxford English Dictionary? Q: Why do women have legs? A: So after you fuck'em they can leave. Q: Why did the football player with an athletics scholarship cross the road? A: He got an A for it. Q: Why do Pollacks think Porches are police cars? A: Because they have 911 on the side. Q: Why did God give man more brains than a dog? A: So they wouldn't hump ladies legs at cocktail parties! Q: What do you call a man without a shovel in his head? A: (theatrical pause.....) Douglas! Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle? A: Giraffes eating cherries. Q: What do you get if you cross a telephone pole and a rooster? A: A 25 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.. Q: Why does a bride smile while see walks down the aisle? A: Because she knows she's given her last blow job! Q: How do you confuse a black man? A: Go up to him and tell him your his boss. Q: How do you double the value of a YUGO?\" Q: What's the disease that paralyzes women below the waist? A: Marriage Q: What do steroids and the Klu Klux Klan have in common? A: The both make black men run faster!!! Q: What is the heaviest thing on earth? A: Shit. Even Hercules dropped it!! Q: What is the strongest thing on earth? A: Ex-Lax. It knocks the shit out of Superman!! Q: What's the difference between the American and Iraqi fighter pilots? A: The American pilots break ground and fly into the wind. Q: Who is going to put last three bullets into Saddam Hussein's head? A: 5000 Iraqi sharpshooters. Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant? A: Apologize and wipe it up. Q: What do you get if 10 elephants come over a hill? A: Close your mouth and swim through it. Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled feet? A: To give the ants a 50-50 chance. Q: Why do rhinoceroses have flat feet? A: Because they are evil bastards. Q: why do ducks have big feet? A: to put out forest fires Q: why do elephants have big feet A: to put out flaming ducks. Q: What is the definition of a vagina? A: A box that a penis comes in. Q: Why can't Hellen Keller drive? A1: Because she's a girl. A2: Because she's dead. Q: What is the difference between a Hoover Vacuum and an Iraqi tank ? A: The Vacuum only has one dirt bag ! Q: What do you call an Iraqi with a camel under one arm and a lama under the other? A: Bi-sexual. Q: What does the N on the Nebraska Cornhuskers helmets stand for? A: Knowledge Q: What does Sinead O'Connor do after combing her hair? A: She pulls up her pants! Q: What's the difference between a butt-kisser and a brown-noser? A: DEPTH PERCEPTION! Q: How do you know if the Easter Bunny is gay? A: If he shows up to your house with packed fudge. Q: How can you tell if the Easter Bunny has been sleeping with your wife? A: You find a strange hare in your bed. Q: How can you tell if a house was built by lesbian carpenters? A: They use tongue&groove instead of studs. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs ? A: Because he doesn't want you to know he's been screwing the chickens. Q: What is the favorite political event in Japan? A: Erection Day! Q: Why do mice have such small balls? A: Very few of them know how to dance! Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: They don't know the words. Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants come over the hill? A: "Here come some elephants over that hill." Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants come over the hill with sunglasses on? A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a hooker? A: She'll do it for peanuts but she'll never forget you Q: How would stop an elephant from passing through the eye of a needle? A: Just tie a knot on its tail!! Q: Why do all the marching elephants suddenly raise their right leg ? A: Just for kicks!! Q: Did you hear the joke about the bed?? A: It hasn't been made as yet. Q: What do you do if you get swallowed by an elephant? A: Run around and around until you get pooped out! Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: What's 10 feet wide and can't walk through doors? A: A baby with a spear through its head. Q: Why does the Pope wear shorts in the shower? A: He doesn't want to look down on the unemployed. Q: Why did the gay chicken cross the basketball court? A: He heard that the referee was blowing fouls. Q: What do elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep!!!! Q: What's an elephant's greatest fear????? A: Toxic sheep syndrome Q: How come the US army wanted to draft Bernie Kosar? A: So he could overthrow Saddam Hussein. Q: How do you make a distinguished Italian wine? A: Sideswipe his Ferarri.... Q: What do you call oral sex between two yuppies? A: sixty-something. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off yer shoes to jump on a trampoline! Q: What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Northwest Airlines? A: Northwest has more kills. Q: What was Hellen Kellers dogs name? A: rghmphtrmph Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs? A: Take him for a drag. (Make a fist with middle finger sticking out, pointing down.) Q: Can you hear this? (Response: No.) A: Then I'll turn it up for you (invert your hand to flip them "the bird"). Q: Did you hear about the Mexican fireman? A: He named his kids Jose and Hose B. Q: Did you know that Saddam has a new line of condoms out? A: They're for dicks that just won't pull out! Q: How does a Polish mother teach her kids how to put on their underwear? A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back. Q: What do a bleached blond and a Boeing 747 have in common?? A: They both have black boxes. Q: What do panty hose and Sadam Husseim and have in common? A: They both irritate bush! Q: Have you heard Milli Vanilli's new song? A: Neither have they. Q: What do a burn victim and Major Houlahan of MASH have in common? A: They each have major burns on their faces.\" Q: Why do blacks eat tootsie rolls with forks? A: Because they don't want to bite their fingers. Q: Did you hear about the short gay guy that walked into a bar? A: He kissed everyone in the joint ? Q: How does Helen Keller drive? A: With one hand on the wheel and one hand on the road. Q: Why are Camels called the ships of the dessert? A: They're filled with Iraqi seamen... Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods? Nixon saw "Deep Throat" ten times, but he still never got it down Pat. PATIENT: Doc, all my friends think I'm crazy. SHRINK: Why don't you kill them?! Knock...Knock Who's there? Emerson Emerson who? EM-ER-SON nice tits!! The Best (Or Possibly The Worst) Of net.jokes .... Q: Did you hear about the Len Bias Memorial Basketball League? A: It's for guys six feet and under. Q: What do you get when you roll a hand grenade across a kitchen floor? A: Linoleum Blownapart. Q: What do you call the caped crusader and his sidekick after they got run over by a steamroller? A: Flatman and Ribbon. Q: Did you hear that the Dutch government gave Reagan 12 rare Rembrandt etchings? A: He's already got four of them colored in. Q: Where do all the "real men" eat in San Francisco? A: Oakland. Q: What do get when you cross a rooster with M&M's? A: A cock that melts in your mouth and not in your hands. Q: What's green and red and goes 100 mph? A: A frog in a blender. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter because he won't come anyway. Q: How does a girl hold her liquor? A: By the ears! Q: What is the definition of indecent? A: In far enough, in deep enough and in long enough. Q: Why do gays have such high insurance? A: They keep getting rear ended. Q: What's brown and sits on a stool? A: Beethoven's last movement. Q: Why don't chickens wear underwear? A: Because their pecker is on their face. Q: How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome? A: Pull down its genes. Q: How do you make a hormone? A: Don't pay her. Q: How is a woman like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. Q: Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen? A: Patrick Fitsgerald and Gerald Fitspatrick. Q: Why do elephants have 4 feet? A: Because 4 inches isn't enough. Q: What do soybeans and dildos have in common? A: Both are meat substitutes. Q: What's the difference between a dog and a cock? A: If you beat the dog it won't come. Q: What do eating pussy and the Mafia have in common? A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. Q: How do you identify a head nurse? A: Look for dirty knees. Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? A: I'll tell you tomorrow. Q: What do elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep. Q: What are four hundred rabbits hoping backwards? A: A receding hare line. Q: Why can't ghosts have babies? A: Because they have holloweenies. Q: What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning? A: Sends him to work. Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? A: Lawn Boy. Q: What do you give an 88 year old women for her birthday? A: Mikey. He'll eat anything. Q: What do you call a monkey in a blender? A: Rhesus pieces. My mother is from Iceland and my father is from Cuba. I guess that makes me an Ice Cube. Q: Did you hear about the new male birth control pill? A: You put in in your shoe and it makes you limp. Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A-flat miner. Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on a battlefield? A: A-flat Major. Q: How do you sink an submarine? A: Dive down and knock on the door. Q: What do you get when an epileptic falls in a lettuce patch? A: Seizure Salad. Q: What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? A: Hot cross bunnies. Q: What's the square root of *69*?? A: Ate something. Q: Did you here about the new class Intercourse 101 at State University? A: You take it between periods and all you have to do is come. Q: What do you call children born to prostitutes? A: Brothel sprouts. Q: What do any of the Dodgers have in common with Michael Jackson? A: They all wear one glove for no apparent reason. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef. Q: What would you call a horny Eskimo dwarf? A: A frigid midget with a rigid digit. Q: What's the difference between dark and hard? A: It stays dark all night. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can go to sleep with a light on. Q: What goes siss boom bah? A: An exploding sheep. Q: What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah"? A: About three inches. Q: What's yellow, 6 inches long, and goes up and down? A: A banana in an elevator. Q: Why did smokey the bear never have any children? A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel. Q: Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning? A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon. Q: You know why American beer is like making love in a canoe? A: Because it's f*cking close to water. Q: What do breasts and toy trains have in common ? A: They're made for children but the father always ends up playing with them. Q: What's big and green, lives in a swamp, and has an IQ of 140? A: A platoon of marines. Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower? A: Kids will eat snot. Q: Why did (neighboring hated state) raise the drinking age to 31? A: To keep the high schoolers out of the bars. Q: What's the difference between a physicist and a bucket of crap? A: The bucket. Q: What do you call a queer Indian? A: A brave sucker. Q: What do you do if you find an epileptic in your bathtub? A: Throw in some soap and a load of laundry. Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetary. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head. Q: What's yellow and always points north? A: A magnetic banana. Q: What's the difference between a bear and an ant? A: About 2,000 pounds. Q: What do you give a seasick elephant? A: Lots of room. Q: What should you do if you pass an elephant? A: Flush it down and hope it doesn't clog the pipes! Q: What do you do with an Elephant with 3 balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the Giraffe. Q: Do you know how to circumsize a whale? A: Well first you have to send down four skin divers ... Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish? A: Give her a couple test-tickles. Q: Why did the orange lose his job at the orange juice factory? A: He couldn't concentrate! A very skinny young man took a trip to Alaska. In only two short months he became a real husky fucker. Q: What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A: A rooster clucks defiant. Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? A: Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away. Q: What you get when you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in your other hand? A: Kermit the frog's complete undivided attention. Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste. Q: What kind of fish has two knees? A: A two-knee (tu-nee) fish. Q: If you were a mushroom, why would people always be inviting you to parties? A: Because you'd be a real fun gi. Q: What do you call a Texas man with a sheep under his arm? A Newlywed. Q: What do you call a Texas man with two sheep under his arms?? A1: A bigamist. A2: A pimp. Q: What do you call a bouncer in a gay bar? A: A flame thrower. A proctologist is about to examine a patient. Proctologist: "Nurse, bring me a light." The nurse comes back and hands him a beer. Proctologist: "No, no, no. A Butt Light." Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A: A walkie-talkie, of course. Q: What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle? A: Run over. Q: You know why Arabs don't get circumsized ??? A: Because they have to have somewhere to put their gum in a sandstorm... Q: What do you get if you cross a cock with a potato? A: A dictater. Q: What has 300 legs and seven teeth ? A: The front row at Wille Nelson show. Q: What's the difference between a sewing machine and a woman jogger? A: A sewing machine has one bobbin, and a woman jogger has two bobbin'. Q: What do you call a Nun that is sleep walking? A: A Roam'n Catholic. Q: What do you call a period? A: A bloody waste of fucking time. Q: How fast can a woman go? A: 68; when she does 69 she blows a rod. Q: What's the speed limit on sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to stop and turn around. Q: How is Sex like Air? A: Neither one is a big deal unless you are not getting any. Q: Whats the diffrence between a hobo and a homo A: A hobo has no friends but a homo has friends up the ass. Q: What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg? A: You let the pit bull finish. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Kiddie Jokes >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Q: Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher? A: He couldn't control his pupils! Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk? A: Winnie the Phew! Q: Why did the blind chicken cross the road? A: To get to the bird's eye shop! Q: Where does the ten-ton eagle sleep? A: Anywhere it likes! Q: On the cartoon Yogi Bear, why didn't they make 2 Yogi's? A: Because they made a Boo Boo instead. Knock, knock Who's there? Tank Tank Who? You're welcome. Knock, knock Who's there? Catch Catch Who? Gesundheit Knock, knock Who's there? Banana Banana Who? Knock, knock Who's there? Banana Banana Who? Knock, knock Who's there? Orange Orange Who? Orange you glad i didn't say Banana? Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes? A: No eye deer. Q: What do you get when you cross Ella Fitzgerald with Darth Vader? A: Ella Vader Q: How did Hellen Keller lose her left arm? A: She tried to read a stop sign at 30 miles per hour. Q: Did you hear the one about the jump rope and the lollipop? A: Skip it. It sucks. Q; What did one bean say to the other bean? A; -How you Bean? Q; What did one bean say to the sand dune? A: -How you Bean Dune? Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"? A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names" Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: Because it's to far to walk. Q: What's green and skates? A: Peggy Phlegm. Q: What's green and goes: Doobee, doobee, doo? A: Frank Snotra Q: Why do bats fly at night? A: because they are afraid to drive. What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? They have the same middle name. What time do ducks get up? At the quack of dawn. What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant. What do you get if you cross a skunk with a blue whale? A big stink. What is brown, has a hump, and lives at the North Pole? A lost camel. What do you call someone who steals cats (and cat burglar isn't the answer)? A purr snatcher. What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A broncosaurus. What do you call the boss at a dairy? The big cheese. What is white on the outside, green on the inside, and hops? A frog sandwich. What's yellow and goes "Ho, ho, ho"? Santa Banana. Oh, yeah, crossing the pig with the centipede? Bacon and legs. Q: Why did Spock pee on the ceiling? A: To go where no man has gone before. Q: What did Spock find in the toilet? A: The Captain's log Q: Did you hear of the American Indian once drank tea all day and all night? A: He was found dead in his tea pee. Q: What's Snow Whites favorite drink ? A: Seven Up. Q: Did you hear about the tuna that lost his job? A: He got canned. Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund? A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie. Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England? A: So the other one could drive! Q: What do you get when a lawn mower runs over a canary? A: Shredded tweet. Q: What's green and hangs from trees? A: Giraffe snot. Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs? A: To trip low flying canaries. Q: If you're an Russian when you go into the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you while you're in the bathroom? A: European. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs in a swimming pool? A: Bob Barker Q: What do you call a cow that can't give milk? A: An utter failure. Q: What do you call a fig newton made on the other side of the world? A: A far fig newton. Q: What do you get when you go into the seminary? A: PASTORized Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A: A nervous wreck. Q: What did one casket say to the other? A: Is that you coughin'? Q: Why'd the little boy cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide. Q: Why couldn't the two elephants both go swimming? A: They only had one pair of trunks! Q: How did Helen Keller's fingers turn purple? A: She heard it through the grapevine. Q: Why did the muffler go to bed? A: Because it was exhausted. Q: Why didn't the motorcycle wake up? A: Because it was too (2) tired. Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate. Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A Carrot!! Q: Why do elephants paint their balls (or feet) red? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle? A: Giraffes eating cherries. Q: Why do elephants have wrinkled feet? A: To give the ants a 50-50 chance. Q: Why do rhinoceroses have flat feet? A: Because they are evil bastards. Q: why do ducks have big feet? A: to put out forest fires Q: why do elephants have big feet A: to put out flaming ducks. Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: They don't know the words. Q: How would stop an elephant from passing through the eye of a needle? A: Just tie a knot on its tail!! Q: Why do all the marching elephants suddenly raise their right leg ? A: Just for kicks!! Q: Did you hear the joke about the bed?? A: It hasn't been made as yet. Q: What do you do if you get swallowed by an elephant? A: Run around and around until you get pooped out! Q: What was Hellen Kellers dogs name? A: rghmphtrmph Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs? A: Take him for a drag. Q: How does Helen Keller drive? A: With one hand on the wheel and one hand on the road. Q: What do you call the caped crusader and his sidekick after they got run over by a steamroller? A: Flatman and Ribbon. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn't matter because he won't come anyway. Q: What are four hundred rabbits hoping backwards? A: A receding hare line. Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? A: Lawn Boy. Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A-flat miner. Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on a battlefield? A: A-flat Major. Q: How do you sink an submarine? A: Dive down and knock on the door. Q: What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? A: Hot cross bunnies. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef. Q: What do you give a seasick elephant? A: Lots of room. Q: What do any of the Dodgers have in common with Michael Jackson? A: They all wear one glove for no apparent reason. Q: What's yellow, 6 inches long, and goes up and down? A: A banana in an elevator. Q: What's big and green, lives in a swamp, and has an IQ of 140? A: A platoon of marines. Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower? A: Kids will eat snot. Q: What's yellow and always points north? A: A magnetic banana. Q: What's the difference between a bear and an ant? A: About 2,000 pounds. Q: What do you do with an Elephant with 3 balls? A: Walk him and pitch to the Giraffe. Q: Why did the orange lose his job at the orange juice factory? A: He couldn't concentrate! Q: What kind of fish has two knees? A: A two-knee (tu-nee) fish. Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A: A walkie-talkie, of course. Q: What do you call a Nun that is sleep walking? A: A Roam'n Catholic. == Below is a nearly complete listing of a small press magazine called the Funny Pages. I found out about the Funny Pages from Factsheet Five (back when I could get it.). Even though this 'zine comes from Dayton and I come from Dayton we are in no way affiliated. It's views are not necessarily mine. They certainly do not reflect the views of the company I work for and through whose computers I am posting this article. The publishers have recently improved their format and printing raising the cost of the magazine. Since I am a computer professional cost is no problem for me :-), but as a public service to the other subscribers I am bringing this 'zine to your attention in the hopes of lowering the publishers' costs through the economies of scale. So without further ado here is the May 1992 issue of the Funny Pages. Funny Pages....32....Monthly.....Our Motto: To Delight And Offend $1.50 Funny Pages News March sure was a bummer here at F.P. Central. Sure, issue 31 was a big improvement. Here's why it was late. Our resident computer nerd somehow clobbered a few system fiels in Windows while installing a driver for our new printer. The resulting chaos required him (after attempting to repair said files) to reinstall Windows and all the supporting programs and files (and get them working together) from scratch. 25 hours work. That left us with 3 days to get FP typed and experiment with the new printer. Not much of a problem, except our typist had a badly busted up finger from a lumber related accident. Still, he managed to get everything together to be printed on time. So why was Funny Pages late? We unknowingly used envelopes that were too large (by a whopping 3/8 inch) to be mailed for 29 cents. After a few local subscribers complained of non-delivery, we thought the post office had lost the entire stack. After a dozen or so frantic calls to the post office (with the usual runaround), we had given up hope and planned to have the issue reprinted on April 2. Stopping by the post office on the way to the printer, we discovered that they had returned the stack for insufficient postage. 11 days after they were mailed, they were returned. It's supposed to take 1 day! Anyway, we added an extra 10 cents per, and sent 'em out again. Most envelopes were clearly postmarked March 23, so the evidence is there for you, dear reader. Your Government inaction (one word). GENDER JOKES What's the difference between a savings bond and a man? The savings bond matures with age. How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminist's apartment? Two if you slice them thin enough. Why is psychoanalysis faster for men thean for women? Is's quicker for men to regress. They are still in their childhood. What's the definition of PMS? Putting up with Men's Shit. If we can put a man on the moon ... Why don't we put them all there? How do we know that women are dynamite? Ever try dropping one? What would you call a motorcyclist that swings both ways? A bicyclist. POLITICAL HUMOR What's the difference between Ted Kennedy and the Iraqi Army? The Iraqi Army never killed anyone. Whats black on the outside and white on the inside? Marion Barry's nose. Suggested graffiti: If you voted for George Bush, you can't shit here ... Your asshole is in Washington. Define: gentlemanly. The way the Kennedys treat a woman before they rape her. The do-nothing congress finally passed something. 5000 bad checks. Where are we going to house all the crooks in this country? The prisons and legislatures are already full. Why are Republican's so good at oral sex? They'll swallow anything. How mentally adept is Dan Quayle? It usually takes him 3 hours to watch 60 minutes. How can you tell if Richard Nixon has been walking on the beach? He only leaves heel marks. What happens when you cross James Dean with George Bush? You get a rebel without a clue. CELEBRITY JOKES Tammy Faye uses entirely too much facial powder ... Last year when the temperature got above 100 degrees, she broke out in biscuits. Mike Tyson is going to enter the summer Olympics. Broad Jump. What do you get if you cross Clarence Thomas and Long Dong Silver? The first throbbing member of the Supreme Court. How did Sylvester Stallone get AIDS? He was in Rocky, too. Liberace was a great piano player, but he was even better on the organ. What did the DEA find under Oprah's dress? 80 pounds of crack. What would you call the prince of Monaco as he's going down on Grace Kelly while she's on the rag? Rudolph the red nosed Rainier. Why did Christa MaCauliffe make such a lousy teacher? She blew up in front of her class. What would you call a comedian whose pants are too tight? Dickie Smothers. During one of the most explicit portions of the trial, Pee Wee Herman and Michael Jackson were both caught masturbating in the rear of the courtroom. Pee Wee was arrested and Michael was paid $6 million. RELIGIOUS HUMOR Here about the guy who was half Jewish and half Catholic? He brought his lawyer with him to confession. What does a Christmas tree have in common with a priest? The balls are just for decoration. What's the definition of "sin of omission"? It's a sind that you forget to commit. What is the worst thing about working for the Christian Science Church? The health plan sucks. How does Jim Bakker keep Tammy Faye in line? He uses the Bible belt. Why aren't there any Mexican Monks? The vows of silence include farting. What does 7-UP(tm) have in common with a nun? "Never had it, never will." What did God say to Jesus? "I don't care if you are my son, drop that cross one more time and you're out of the parade." How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, but they're really only one. ETHNIC JOKES What is Ireland's national spectator sport? Delirium Tremens. When does a "wetback" become a "Hispanic"? After he marries your daughter. What does a white woman say to her husband before sex? Make sure you cover me up when you're through. What mistake should you never make when planning a party? Having an Arab blow up the balloons. Define: Cherokee Gigolo A high performance Injun. {One of the things I love about this magazine is getting exposed to prejudices I'd never even thought of holding before. The publisher normally prints where a joke comes from next to the joke, but I'm doing enough typing already to do that for every joke. Anyway, this one came from Arizona.} What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft? Nothing. How can you spot a Black Masochist? He's the one working for a living. How do you get a black kid to take a shower? Open a fire hydrant, and start selling crack on the other side. Why did God invent armadillos? So mexicans would have something to eat on the half shell. How many Ethiopians can you fit in your bathtub? I don't know, they keep slipping down the drain. Whats the difference between a Jewish girl and Jaws? Nail polish and a perm. BLONDE JOKES What do you call a Polish girl with blonde hair? Nothing, nobody can live with that many strikes against them. What is black and blue and lies on the ground? A brunette who told one too many blonde jokes. What do you call an blonde behind the steering wheel of a car? An air bag. Whats blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde? A cheerleader doing cartwheels. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower? Your green welcome mat is ripped to shreds. How does a blonde know when sex is over? The dome light comes on. How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it. What does a blonde say after sex? Thanks guys. Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? They can't even keep their calves together. Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings? Ankle rests. Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? So she could lip read. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear? Thanks for the refill. What do you call a blnde skelton in the closet? Last year's hide and seek champ. What's a blonde's farvorite rock group? Air Supply. Why did God create blondes? Sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. How do you brain wash a blonde? 1) Give her a douche and then shake her upside down. 2) You can't. What is it called when one blonde blows in another's ear? Data transfer. Why did the blonde stop using her pill? It kept falling out. How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her shes pregnet. What will she ask you? "Is it mine?" SICK JOKES, SEX JOKES, AND SICK SEX JOKES Kellogg's is coming out with a new cereal for impotent men. They'll call it Nut 'N' Raisin Honey. What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes. How do you keep a woman screaming after orgasm? Wipe your dick on her curtains. Sex is like euchre, if you don't have a partner, you'd better have a good hand. What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave? With anal sex you can brown your meat without actually cooking it. What's the funniest thing you can do at an old-folks home? Wax the floor and yell "Fire!". Hear about the nymphomaniac that owns a deli? She's full of bologna. What does Jeffrey Dahmer sing on the way to the fridge? My bologna has a first name, its O S C A R .... Why did the woman call her boyfriend's cock Miller Light? It tasted great, but it was less filling. Why can't Mary Kay walk very fast? Her lipstick. Why do hookers wear really high heels? They don't want to sell themselves short. How can you tell if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit. Why do homosexuals wear mustaches? To hide the stretch marks. What is 138? Dinner for four. {Use of a calculator to get this joke is mandatory for blondes and optional for the rest of us.} What would you call a beat-up Raggedy Ann doll lying face down in a pile of gravel? A dirty cotton rock sucker. Hear about the cannibal who passed his mother-in-law in the woods? Hear about the cross-eyed seamstress? She couldn't menstruate. What would you call a queer boy scout? A wee-blow. What happens when you sleep wit a judge? You get an honorable discharge. How'd you get the flat tire? I ran over a whiskey bottle. Didn't you see it? Damned Bum had it hidden under his coat. What's grosser than gross? Anal sex with a tapeworm blow job. My husband said he wanted some good old fashioned loving, so I introduced him to my grandmother. Helen Keller caught VD? Yep, a nasty case of the clap. How can you spot a respectful necrophiliac? He's the one with the black condoms. Define: Chaos. A truckload of Jerry's Kids passing a magnet factory. How do you circumcise a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw. THE LAST PAGE Publishers: You may reprint any of the jokes from the Funny Pages provided you print the following: These jokes came from the Funny Pages, a monthly Newsletter of sick humor. Subscription rates: 4 issues $5, 1 year $15, Funny Pages, PO Box 317205 - 530, Dayton OH 45431. Contributors: If you don't want your name to appear in print, either give us a pseudonym (pen name), send your stuff anonymously, or specifically say you don't want your name used. Free Issues: If you are a current subscriber and would like to spread the word we'll meet you halfway. Send an address and a loose stamp for each person who might like this horrible little rag. You must let us know who YOU are, otherwise we'll just keep your stamps. Finally if you have any constructive ideas on how to improve this 'zine, we'd be happy to hear from you. We read our mail. FUNNY PAGES ORDER FORM (or just drop us a note) FUNNY PAGES PO BOX 317205 - 530 Dayton OH, 45431 Please send me: __ 4 issues $5 __ 7 back issues $5 __ 8 issues $10 __ 15 back issues $10 (Our choice of back issues) __12 issues (1 year)$15 __24 issues (2 years)$25 NAME ___________________________________________________________________ ADDRESS ________________________________________________________________ CITY ___________________________________ STATE ________ ZIP_____________ From ms!darwin.sura.net!wupost!m.cs.uiuc.edu!zygote Sun May 24 17:33:25 EDT 1992 Article: 83069 of rec.humor Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: ms!darwin.sura.net!wupost!m.cs.uiuc.edu!zygote From: zygote@cs.uiuc.edu (The seed of all life) Subject: Re: FTP Joke site?? Message-ID: <1992May21.225924.15390@m.cs.uiuc.edu> Sender: news@m.cs.uiuc.edu (News Database (admin-Mike Schwager)) Organization: University of Illinois, Dept. of Comp. Sci., Urbana, IL References: <1992May18.144902.12034@cis.ohio-state.edu> <1992May18.151958.23495@news.cso.uiuc.edu> Date: Thu, 21 May 1992 22:59:24 GMT jrh28614@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (CatStyle ) writes: >In article <1992May18.144902.12034@cis.ohio-state.edu> chhabra@cis.ohio-state.edu (Tall Cool One) writes: >>is there any ftp site out there for jokes?? >> >deja-vu.aiss.uiuc.edu (128.174.53.10) in the /misc/fun dir. I just spent 6 >hours yesterday updating and cleaning it up (it's been over a month since I lastdid it). Hopefully, now that I'm graduated and done with school I'll be able >to keep it more up to date. >CatStyle >jrh@uiuc.edu >"I've cost the net thousands, if not millions, of dollars." there does not appear to be guest ftp capability From ms!darwin.sura.net!wupost!m.cs.uiuc.edu!ux1.cso.uiuc.edu!news.cso.uiuc.edu!uxa.cso.uiuc.edu!jrh28614 Sun May 24 17:33:42 EDT 1992 Article: 83084 of rec.humor Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: ms!darwin.sura.net!wupost!m.cs.uiuc.edu!ux1.cso.uiuc.edu!news.cso.uiuc.edu!uxa.cso.uiuc.edu!jrh28614 From: jrh28614@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (CatStyle ) Subject: Re: FTP Joke site?? References: <1992May18.144902.12034@cis.ohio-state.edu> <1992May18.151958.23495@news.cso.uiuc.edu> <1992May21.225924.15390@m.cs.uiuc.edu> Message-ID: Sender: usenet@news.cso.uiuc.edu (Net Noise owner) Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana Date: Thu, 21 May 1992 23:57:10 GMT Lines: 17 In article <1992May21.225924.15390@m.cs.uiuc.edu> zygote@cs.uiuc.edu (The seed of all life) writes: > >>deja-vu.aiss.uiuc.edu (128.174.53.10) in the /misc/fun dir. I just spent 6 >>hours yesterday updating and cleaning it up (it's been over a month since I lastdid it). Hopefully, now that I'm graduated and done with school I'll be able >>to keep it more up to date. > > >there does not appear to be guest ftp capability > The user name is anonymous. OBJoke: Why do women have two holes so close together? In case you miss the first. CatStyle jrh@uiuc.edu From ms!darwin.sura.net!mips!pacbell.com!att!ucbvax!XEROX.COM!cate3.osbu_north Thu May 21 18:42:17 EDT 1992 Article: 82995 of rec.humor Path: ms!darwin.sura.net!mips!pacbell.com!att!ucbvax!XEROX.COM!cate3.osbu_north From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Life 5.K Message-ID: <"20-May-92.21:46:25.PDT".*.Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@Xerox.com> Date: 21 May 92 04:46:25 GMT Sender: daemon@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com Lines: 381 ---------------------------------------------------- If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being. ---------------------------------------------------- A man asked for a seat on the next flight to the moon. "I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "but all passenger flights have been canceled for the next few days." "How's that?" inquired the man. "Well," answered the agent, "the moon is full right now." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Father: "My boy, I never kissed a girl until I met your mother. Will you be able to say the same to your son?" Son: "Yes, Dad. But not with such a straight face." ------------------------------------------------------------------- A professor returned to class with the examination papers and requested that all the students sit down. "If you stood up, it is conceivable that you might form a circle, in which case I might be arrested for maintaining a dope ring." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Dean: "I hate to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but your son is a moron." Jones: "What?! Where is that young good-for-nothing? I'll teach him not to join a fraternity without consulting me!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- "Nothing is impossible," the professor declared with finality. "Nothing that the mind of man can conceive is impossible." "Professor," asked a small voice, "did you ever try to strike a match on a marshmallow?" ---------------------------------------------------- Two West Germans were arrested near Holland trying to smuggle LSD-treated stickers with pictures of Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev. Other attempts have used pictures of Batman, Goofy and E.T. I think that choice of Goofy are especially apropos. Question to "Ask Don Garlits": Q - I'd like some advice on a 1979 Chevy Monza with a 1978 Buick V-6. The engine has 106,000 miles, leaks, burns oil, suffers from vapor lock and has trouble accelerating. How much money should I put into it... My A - Enough to tow it to the junk yard. A fat man in Selma, Ala., got a plastic bag containing 45 rocks of crack cocaine through a strip-search by hiding it "between folds of his abdominal skin." So now we have an answer to that age-old question of how do you know when you are too fat. ---------------------------------------------------- Announcement from P.A. system at Texas Stadium. " Will the parents who lost your eleven kids here at the stadium please come get them ?" "They are leading the Cowboys 14-0." ---------------------------------------------------- A wise man once said that having children is hereditary...Which is tantamount to saying: If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either. ---------------------------------------------------- Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. ---------------------------------------------------- (The PBS "American Masters" series did a show on Mort Sahl, who had these anecdotes about Alexander Haig:) Haig offerred Sahl a Cuban cigar, whereupon Sahl wondered how an anti-communist such as Haig could be supporting Cuba by smoking their cigars. Haig replied that he preferred to think of it as burning their crops to the ground. Sahl and Haig were discussing Henry Kissinger. Sahl mentioned that, of course, Kissinger could not be the US President since he was not born in the US. Haig said, no, that's a common misconception, Kissinger was born in the US. "How did he get that accent?" asked Sahl. Haig replied, "From never listening to anybody." ---------------------------------------------------- Ran across this in rec.music.classical ... ... More recently, John Cage has written pieces for "prepared piano", which may involve attaching nuts, bolts, and other hardware to the strings, and other indignities. I heard a story (possibly apocryphal) that a horrified janitor once "cleaned up" one of his prepared pianos just before a concert. Cage came out, played one chord, screamed, and left the stage. Of course, this was indistinguishable from an actual Cage performance, so everyone clapped, and the reviewers wrote gushy praise about the groundbreaking new work.... ---------------------------------------------------- CRITICS OF THE FBI'S "LIBRARY AWARENESS PROGRAM" WERE TARGETS of background checks, according to FBI documents just released under a court order. WHAT'S NEW first reported attempts by the FBI to recruit science librarians as snitches three years ago (WN 5 Sep 86). Librarians were asked to report on the reading habits of "foreigners" and people who "behave strangely." (A Brookhaven librarian complains that all physicists behave strangely.) ---------------------------------------------------- One of my professors swears to this (probably apocryphal) story. He asked that question once during an oral exam of a physics grad student. The student thought for a few moments, then went to the chalkboard and started writing equations. The very first one was... E=mc^2 ! The professor ragged him unmercifully for assuming a nuclear-powered duck... ---------------------------------------------------- (From Jay Leno on the Tonight Show:) "Authorities are now saying that the war on drugs will be bigger than World War II. Oh, *great*... more Time-Life books." ---------------------------------------------------- >From Daniel J. Boorstin's _The_Discoverers_: A pioneer explorer of this question was the unhappy Italian philosopher Giambattista Vico (1668-1744). The son of a poor bookseller, he had a nearly fatal fall on his head at the age of seven, when doctors predicted that he might become an imbecile. I've always wondered what causes philosophers. ---------------------------------------------------- You have reached the residence of . [Cut to recording of Handel's Messiah.] Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia! [Cut to original voice.] Please leave your name and number at the tone. Hello?...Hello?...HELLO?!...... Hey, can you hear me? Listen, this is a lousy connection. Could you just leave your name and number and I'll get back to you? Hi, can I speak to Mark?...Oh, there isn't?...I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number. Here's a couple of mine-- The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here.] has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone. [Theme song from Dragnet] Case 415-767-1234 [Use your number here.] began with a routine phone call. Unfortunately for the caller, the intended recipient was unable to take the call. That's where I come in. My name is Friday. I'm a cop. I began with a routine interrogation. You know, name, number, reason for calling. The answer surprised me. ---------------------------------------------------- The following is from an apartment of three women: With great sorrow and much lamentations We've abondon our dear habitation At the sound of the tone Leave your name and home phone And additional worthwhile information It certainly would help if we knew Your earning potential for two Are you fun loving and crazy Do you look like Pat Swatzy We'll get back to you if you do ---------------------------------------------------- The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not remain his friend for more than a few weeks was told: "Your problem is that you are looking for a particular kind of woman. You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is not particular." ---------------------------------------------------- How does the single woman get rid of roaches? She asks them for a commitment. How does the single man get rid of roaches? He looks for the perfect one. ---------------------------------------------------- ELEMENT: MAN ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170, known to vary from 98 to 360 SYMBOL: EGO DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Exteremly low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required.(See scut work. See also Women and Slave Labor) PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1-) Surface often covered with hair-bristly in some areas, soft in others 2-) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense 3-) melts if treated like a God 4-) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution 5-) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to exteremly thick 6-) When pressure is applied becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1-) Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones(See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewd worn against the skin of a woman. It is beleived woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to creat a highly magnetic attraction for this element 2-) May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened 3-) Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking 4-) When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements 5-) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers 6-) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety 7-) Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6 8-) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness 9-) Is impervious to embrassment 10-) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman USES: 1-) Can be used to assist in moving heavy objects and other heavy labor 2-) Is capable of causing vast amounts of physical pleasure 3-) Can be pleasing to the touch and other senses 4-) Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances 5-) can be used in recreational activities CAUTIONS: 1-) Extremely hazordous to the environment when allowed to function unchecked 2-) Can cause temporary insanity if a low-grade specimen is chosen. Use care when selecting specimen 3-) Highly dangerous if not handled with extreme caution. Can cause a condition known as maternity ---------------------------------------------------- "GOT A HOT ROD FORD AND A TWO DOLLAR BILL" Today we're going to explore the mysterious topic of How Guys Think, which has baffled women in general, and the editors of Cosmopolitan magazine in particular for thousands of years. The big question, of course, is: How come guys never call? After successful dates, I mean. You single women out there know what I'm talking about. You go out with a guy and you have a great time, and he seems to have a great time, and at the end of the evening he says, quote, "Can I call you?" And you--interpreting this to mean "Can I call you?"--answer: "Sure!" The instant you say this, the guy's body starts to dematerialize. Within a few seconds, you can stick a tire iron right through him and wave it around; in a few more seconds he has vanished entirely, gone into the mysterious Guy Bermuda Triangle, where whole squadrons of your dates have disappeared over the years, never to be heard from again. Eventually you start to wonder if there's something wrong with you, some kind of emotional hangup or personality defect that your dates are detecting. You start having long, searching discussions with your women friends in which you say things like: "He really seemed to like me" and "I didn't feel as though I was putting pressure on him." This is silly. There's nothing wrong with you. In fact, you should interpret the behavior of your dates as a kind of guy COMPLIMENT to you. Because when the guy asks you if he can call you, what he's really asking you, in Guy Code, is will you marry him. Yes. See, your basic guy is into a straight-ahead, bottom-line kind of thought process that does not work nearly as well with the infinitely subtle complexities of human relationships as it does with calculating how much gravel is needed to cover a given driveway. So here's what the guy is thinking: If he calls you, you'll go out again, and you'll probably have another great time, so you'll probably go out again and have ANOTHER great time, and so on until the only possible OPTION will be to get married. This is classic Guy Logic. So when you say "Sure!" in a bright and cheery voice, YOU may think you're simply indicating a willingness to go out again, but as far as HE'S concerned you're endorsing a lifetime commitment that he is quite frankly not ready to make after only one date, so he naturally decides he can never see you again. From that day forward, if he spots you on the street, he'll sprint in the opposite direction to avoid the grave risk that the two of you might meet, which would mean he'd have to ask you if you wanted to get a cup of coffee, and you might say yes, and pretty soon you'd be enjoying each other's company again, and suddenly a clergyman would appear at your table and YOU'D HAVE TO GET MARRIED....................AIEEEEEEE. (You women think this is crazy, right? Whereas you guys out there are nodding your heads.) So my advice for single women is that if you're on a date with a guy you like, and he asks whether he can call you, you should give him a nonthreatening answer, such as: "no." Or: "I guess so, but bear in mind that I'm a nun." This will make him comfortable about seeing you again, each time gaining the courage to approach you more closely, in the manner of a timid, easily startled woodland creature such as a chipmunk. In a few years, if the two of you really do have common interests and compatible personalities, you may reach the point where he'll be willing to take the Big Step, namely, eating granola directly from your hand. No matter how close you become, however, remember this rule: Do not pressure the guy to share his most sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings with you. Guys hate this, and I'll tell you why: If you were to probe inside the guy psyche, beneath that macho exterior and the endless droning about things like the 1978 World Series, you would find, deep down inside, a passionate, heartfelt interest in: the 1978 World Series. Yes. The truth is, guys don't HAVE any sensitive innermost thoughts and feelings. It's time you women knew! All these years you've been agonizing about how to make the relationship work, wondering how come he never talks to you, worrying about all the anguished emotion he must have bottled up inside, and meanwhile he's fretting about how maybe he needs longer golf spikes. I'm sorry to have to tell you this. Maybe you SHOULD become a nun. Anyway, I hope I've cleared up any lingering questions anybody might have regarding guys, as a gender. For some reason I feel compelled to end this with a personal note: Heather Campbell, if you're out there, I just want to say that I had a really nice time taking you to the Junior Prom in 1964, and I was a total jerk for never, not once, mentioning this fact to you personally. From ms!darwin.sura.net!mips!pacbell.com!att!ucbvax!XEROX.COM!cate3.osbu_north Thu May 21 18:44:07 EDT 1992 Article: 82984 of rec.humor Path: ms!darwin.sura.net!mips!pacbell.com!att!ucbvax!XEROX.COM!cate3.osbu_north From: cate3.osbu_north@XEROX.COM Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Life 2.B Message-ID: <"20-May-92.20:26:47.PDT".*.Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@Xerox.com> Date: 21 May 92 03:26:47 GMT Sender: daemon@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU Reply-To: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com Lines: 581 ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS 1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early. 3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper at the end of the service. 8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Fu Manchu and his daughter, Cherry Blossom, were on a tour of New England, accompanied by a young man. The trio visited a pair of water slides on a mountainside and took several rides. When the three went down a chute together, Cherry Blossom and her boyfriend were decorous, but when it was just the two of them, they embraced each other passionately. "Cherry Blossom," the young man said, "I really like it whe your father isn't with us and you hug and kiss me!" "Yes," she replied, "but I can only do that when the Fu is on the other chute." ----------------------------------------------------------------- A trainee was assigned to guard the entrance to a bivouac site, and told to use the challenge "Victor" and listen for the password, "Romeo" to allow entry. The trainee had been on watch only a short time when an officer from another company approached. "Halt" commanded the guard. "Victor." The officer didn't know the response, but he did know trainees. "No private," he said. "That's my part, I say that." The trainee, having been corrected a million times, assumed he had made another mistake. The officer then said, "Victor." The trainee responded, "Romeo," and, having heard both words, permitted the officer to pass. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A man who was involved in a serious motorcycle accident was unable to speak when he first regained counsciousness. Wishing to know how long he had been unconscious, he took a piece of paper and a pencil from the bedstand and, after writing "Date?" on it, gave it to his nurse. She handed it back to him - after she had written the word "Married" on it. ----------------------------------------------------------------- I tried a Plutonic mixed-sex living together relationship once. It turned out to be a really Mickey Mouse arrangement. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The following appeared in the Wednesday (24-Jun) New York Times, in the Metropolitan Diary, a weekly column of "human interest" stories sent in by readers: A small sign was taped to a building on West 120th Street near Amsterdam Avenue, and Ellen Shaw of Scotch Plains, N.J., noticed it as she passed by. It was a discreet advertiesement for a nearby stand run by three young entrepreneurs - two boys and a girl - who were selling iced tea, cola and cookies. Ms. Shaw ordered tea and offered the youngsters a suggestion: "You may want to make a bigger sign," she said. "That one is really not to noticeable." "I know," said one of the boys, gesturing toward one of his partners, "but that's as big as his computer makes them." He paused, thought for a moment, and slapped his forehead. "Hey, I've got it!" he exclaimed. "Maybe we could DRAW a bigger sign!" The tea, incidentally, was herbal. ----------------------------------------------------------------- [I was just listening to a radio program where an excerpt of some book was being read. The author was making some ludicrous statements about the influence of colors on human beings.] "Tests with blind-folded subjects demonstrate that color affects the unconscious." ----------------------------------------------------------------- >From Dave Barry, complaining about how usless PC's are: Lately the really hot useless personal-computer program is the "spreadsheet". This is the Michael Jackson of the software world. What it does, basically, is generate large batches of numbers arranged horizontally and vertically, which is just what you need if you're a major corporation and you have to fire off daily reports to the federal government indicating how many OSHA-approved deodorant cakes you have in your employee restrooms, but a waste of time for the common person, who in his or her everyday life needs only a few smallish numbers, such as "four" [as in "I'll have four beers"]. Nevertheless, common persons, desperate to use their personal computers for *something*, have been buying spreadsheet programs by the tens of thousands. God knows what they do with them. I have a friend, Sheldon, formerly quite bright, who uses his spreadsheet program to invent imaginary baseball teams and compute their imaginary batting averages. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Several recently deceased people were standing in front of the pearly gates awaiting admission to heaven. St. Peter announced that a final short quiz was necessary prior to entering to be sure that the people learned at least a little about religion before they died. St. Peter asked a man what Easter meant to him. "Easter," replied the man, "is a very important holiday. You bake a turkey, have the family over for dinner and give thanks for the good things that you have in life." "No, no, no," said St. Peter and he sent the man to purgatory. He then asked another man what Easter was. "Easter," answered the second man, "is a wonderful time of the year when you decorate a tree, sing carols and exchange gifts!" "No, no, no" exclaimed St. Peter in desperation. "Doesn't anyone here know what Easter is?" "You," said St. Peter, pointing to a third man, "can you tell me what Easter is?" "Certainly I can" the third man answered pointedly. "Easter is when the Lord Jesus Christ is buried in a cave and after three days he arises up out of the cave." "Finally," exclaimed St. Peter, "Here is a man who truely understands what Easter is." "Yes," said the third man, "and if Jesus sees his shadow and jumps back into the cave we have 6 more weeks of winter... ***************************************************************** The Pope sent an urgent telegram to all cardinals, saying "Drop everything, come to Rome immediately!" When they all arrived he addressed their assembly, saying, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news: God called me on the phone, said the world will end next month and we'd better be ready! There was immediate screaming and confusion. Someone shouted "If THAT'S the good news, what can the bad news be?" "He was calling from Salt Lake City." ******************************************************************************* One day, these two carrots were driving down the interstate in this big black Trans Am (no 'S' on the side). At one point, they took an exit ramp much too fast, and the car rolled several times and was totaled. An ambulance took the two carrots to the local hospital. One carrot got off with just cuts and bruises, but the other carrot was in the operating room for hours. The first carrot remained in the waiting room, pacing and biting his nails. Finally the chief surgeon emerged from the operating room, pulling off his mak and rubber gloves. The carrot who was waiting ran up to him frantically. Shaking the doctor by the lapels, the carrot said, "Doc! Doc! You gotta tell me! Is my friend going to be okay?" Pulling himself loose from the carrot, the doctor replied, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, your friend will live. The bad news is . . . . . . he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life!" (ACK PHHHHHHTT!!!) ***************************************************************************** A New York tailor, devout Jew all his days, tries very hard to bring up his children in the faith. One day, his youngest son comes to him and announces that he is becoming a Roman Catholic. The tailor ponders his misfortunes, trying to understand why such a thing should happen to him. In desolation, he seeks out his rabbi and confides in him. "Rabbi," laments the tailor, "I do not understand. I have a son, a good Jewish boy, brought up in the faith. We observed, we attended, we did everything for the boy, and yet he decides to become a Catholic. How can this thing be?" "My friend," says the rabbi, "you WOULDN'T believe, but I must tell you. I, too, have a son, a good Jewish boy, brought up here in the synagogue in the faith. Yet, he also became a Catholic. Who is to know? The Almighty has his reasons. All we can do is pray to Him for answers." With that, the two of them set forth in devout prayer. Suddenly, the lights dim, the walls shake, and God's voice fills the room. "Let me tell you two, you WOULDN'T believe, but I had a son, a good Jewish boy..." ----------------------------------------------------------------- A guy was jumping up and down on a manhole cover saying "78. 78. 78. 78.". A passer-by noticed this odd behavior and asked why the person was jumping up and down on a manhole cover saying "78. 78. 78. 78.". The person replied "I'm keeping the alligators away". The passer-by retorted "There's not an alligator in a hundred miles of here!". "See" said the jumper. ----------------------------------------------------------------- I read the other day of a Tennessee town called Cosby. I think I'll move there and start a business selling brewing supplies to moonshiners. "Cosby Stills and Mash," that's what I'll call it. ----------------------------------------------------------------- We have to be careful not to put Descartes before the horse. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday." ----------------------------------------------------------------- A woman's three sons went to Texas to raise beef cattle, sheep, and hogs. They had no idea what to name their ranch so they wrote home to mother for suggestions. Name it Focus, she replied. Puzzled, they called for an explanation. Mom said Focus - where the sons raise meet. ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." ---Susan Ertz--- ----------------------------------------------------------------- >From a recent "Miss Manners" (Judith Martin) column----- Dear Miss Manners: I would like to know the proper way to put toilet tissue on the roll in the bathroom. If you have printed tissue, is the print supposed to be on the top of the roll or the bottom? Gentle Reader: What in heaven's name is the matter with this society? Can't anybody figure out anything anymore without appealing to poor, overloaded experts? Miss Manners works hard, attending to the propriety of all your encounters with other peopele. When you go into the bathroom, you're on your own. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Jones and Doodah went fishing one Saturday afternoon. All of a sudden a terrible storm came up and in the midst of the storm the boat tipped over and Doodah drown. Jones was completely devestated. This was his best friend, how in the world would he break the news to Mrs. Doodah? Jones went back to the Doodah home and announced that he had returned from the trip. Mrs. Doodah was quick to notice that her husband was not with Jones. She asked where Doodah was. Jones replied; "We went fishing and guess who drown---- Doo-dah, Doo-dah" (Sing this reply to the music of Camptown Races) ******************************************************************************** A Dutch guy is standing by an outside wall of his house and is diligently scraping off the paint. His neighbor spots him and with natual Dutch curiostity asks "Hey, you're moving?" ******************************************************************************** [This is a multiple-independently-targeted joke-- insert your own characters.] Ronald Reagan, Billy Graham and Alexander Haig were on their way to a secret summit meeting when Air Force One crashed and they were all killed. Next thing they know, Billy and Alex find themselves sitting on the curb of a street paved with gold bricks. Ron is not with them. Their surroundings fit the standard description of Heaven except that, chained to each one's leg is an INCREDIBLY ugly woman. Haig says, "Somebody has screwed up; we're going to see the head man!" They go to God's office and complain loudly. God's secretary says, "God is too busy to be bothered with you guys. Go tell it to St. Peter; he's the dean of admissions." They find and confront St. Peter. He tells them, "Well, it's like this-- You turkeys just barely made it in here, and for your penance you must spend eternity with an ugly woman chained to your leg." Billy Graham says, "Hey, look, I'm a minister; I know a lot of influential people up here. Can't we make some kind of deal?" St. Peter says, "If you don't like it, you can go straight to Hell!" "Oh. Okay." Back out on the street, Billy and Alex spot Ronald Reagan. Chained to Ronnie's leg is Bo Derek. They grab Ron and say, "Hey, man, what IS this??" "Well, it's like this-- Bo Derek just barely made it in here..." ******************************************************************************** This is a true story .. really it is ..... A friend of my mother's went to Ohare Airport to pick up her son who was returning from school. Well, she got to the airport early, and having skipped lunch she was hungry so she stopped at one of those snack bars in the airport near the gates. She bought a package of 4 cookies and a cup of coffee. She walked over to one of those "stand-up" tables and opened the cookies. Well, she took out a cookie and started eating it. As she did this a man who was also at the table took one of the cookies and began eating it. Well, she gave this man an awful stare (kind of like "well who do you think you are ") and continued eating her first cookie and drinking her coffee. Then she took another cookie (after all she didn't was this strange man eating *all* of them and she did skip her lunch). Well, as she finished her cookie the man at the table gingerly took the last cookie and broke it in half leaving half of it on the wrapper. At this point (remember, no words have been exchanged between the two of them) the woman decides to get out of there before this strange man does something else. So she goes to the gate where her son is supposed to be coming in. She opened her purse to check the schedule and what did she find ...... her package of cookies ... she had put her cookies in her purse and unknowingly was eating the man's cookies !!!!! HOW EMBARRASSING ******************************************************************************** The governor of Texas was showing the president of Mexico around his huge cattle ranch one day. Not to be outdone, the president said, "I have a dirt road that goes around my ranch. I drove it one time, and it took me 4 days to go around it". The Texas governor thought a minute (as he chewed on a piece of hay), and replied, "I had a car like that once.". ******************************************************************************** The little daughter of a WASP family attends the fourth grade. One day the teacher gives an assignment to the class, she says: "I want all of you write a very short paragraph about the poorest family you have seen". The daughter of the WASP family panics, as she has never talked nor seen anyone outside of her well-to-do neighborhood. So she writes: " Last summer I have seen a poor family. They were so poor, so poor that, their maids were poor, their gardeners were poor and their chauffeurs were poor." ******************************************************************************** A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his car, looks outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he was riding was near the mental hospital. In short he realizes that there is no awailable cheap labor to change the flat tire. The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire, puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire, trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer. There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor, helpless. Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you! ", looks and finds that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars). The patient behind the bars says " I have been watching you for a while and saw the terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help", "How ?" asks the WASP, "Easy " says the loonie, "take one nut from each of the other three wheels and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the nearest gas station" "You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues, "why did they locked you in ? " "They put me in because I am a loonie" the guy tells the WASP and continues "not because I am stupid". ******************************************************************************** At some point in time, a bad spell of wet weather came over a Southern state, flooding most of many counties. Since the water was about six feet deep outside (and inside) their house, one family spent its time sitting on the porch roof, watching the wreckage float by. The son happened to notice a nice straw hat as it went downstream. "My," he thought, "I'll bet the person who lost that hat is sorry now!" After the hat had floated out of sight around the corner of the house, the boy kept watching the river. Suddenly, much to his surprise, here comes the hat, floating upstream, against the current! This was obviously very strange, so the lad kept his eye on it. It floated upstream and around the other corner of the house... and came floating back down again. After a while, it came back upstream yet again, rounding the corner of the house. Finally, the boy could stand it no longer and pointed out the hat to his mother, asking her whatever could cause such a sight. His mother replied, "Oh, that's just your grandfather. He said come Hell or high water, he was going to mow the lawn today." ******************************************************************************** There are these two country farmers. One is milking this cow, the other is bulling the shoot. While the one farmer is milking, a fly zooms into the cows ear. The cow starts jumping around, shaking its head and mooing. Jed tries to steady the cow, but suddenly, it settles down. Jed looks down, and behold, the fly is in the milk pail. Jed asks Jethro "Golly, how'd that fly get down there so fast?" Jethro replies.... "IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE UDDER!" ******************************************************************************** Did you hear about the father who had two sons, one was terribly pessimistic, and the other equally optimistic? Well, one Christmas he decided to cure each one, so he went out and bought the fanciest, most exciting train set for the pessimistic boy, and, for the optimist, he got a Christmas stocking and filled it with horse manure. Christmas morning came, and after the boys had opened their gifts, the dad asked each what Santa Claus had brought him. "Well," said the pessimist, "I got a train set, but I'll probably cut myself putting the track together, and it's got an electric transformer, so I'll probably electrocute myself, and, besides, the whole thing will probably break in a week." The dad was pretty disappointed that his plan hadn't worked completely, but figured he may still have cured the optimistic boy. "What about you, son, what did you get?" The boy was jumping with anticipation: "Oh, I got a pony, only I haven't found it yet!" ******************************************************************************** Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it's too(two) tired. ******************************************************************************** Toni was a communist and very unhappy in capitalist Austria. He wanted to go over the border to Russia, where everything was supposed to be better. His friend Josef was interested too. However, they'd also heard a few stories of repressions and shortages, so they didn't know what to do. "Look," said Toni, "I've got an idea. I'll go over first. If everything's great, I'll write back a letter with blue ink. If things really are awful, and everything's censored, I'll write back a letter with green ink." Toni went over the border. After several months Josef got the following letter, written in blue ink: "Dear Josef, "Everything is just terrific. I'm doing very well. I've got a beautiful large apartment, and there's lots to eat and drink. Prices are really low and you can get whatever you want. The only thing I haven't been able to find is green ink. ******************************************************************************** Just after the end of World War 2, it was decided that the borders between Poland and Russia should be redrawn. A surveyor was out one day looking over the proposed border when he noticed a little house right smack dab on the line. Well he was unsure as to which country the house belonged to, so he decided to let the occupants choose which country they wanted to be a part of. He knocked on the door and an old man answered. "Well, old man. I'm here to tell you that you have a choice of country. Which is it, do you want to be part of Poland or Russia?" The man thought for a moment and said decisively, "Poland!" The surveyor was taken aback by the old man's vehemence and said, "Why did you choose Poland." The old man countered with, "Well, if I have to go through just one more of these Russian winters...." ******************************************************************************** #1 - A scientist is trying to determine how much each of a frog's legs contribute to the frog's ability to jump. He places a frog on a calibrated screen and claps his hands. "Frog , Jump!," he yells. The frog leaps into the air. The scientist notes where he lands in his book - with 4 legs frog jumps 20 inches. He then removes one leg and repeats the test. "Frog , Jump!," he yells as he claps his hands. The frog once again leaps into the air. Once more the scientist notes the results in his book - with 3 legs frog jumps 15 inches. The experiment is repeated until all of the frogs legs have been removed. The scientist places the frog on the test stand one last time. "Frog , Jump!," he yells and claps. There is no response. "Frog , Jump!," he yells louder. Again there is no response. After several more tries at prompting the frog, the scientist gives up with a sigh. He notes in his book - with no legs frog is deaf. ******************************************************************************** What do the modern Chinese listen to while making dinner? Wok music on a Wokman. What is their favorite song? Wok Like an Egyptian What is their favorite spiritual? Wok of Ages ---------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur? A: Lickalotapuss Q: Why won't they let John Bobbit into most swimming pools? A: They don't allow cut-offs ***