George Bush, in an attempt to shake his wimp image, decided to call a staff meeting. When everyone was seated, he presented a snapping turtle. He said, " It is evident that some of the people here think I am a wimp. Well, I am going to show you what a real man can do! " With that, he whips off his pants and pokes his dick at the turtle. The turtle sees George's dick, bites it, and holds on. While George has a snapping turtle swinging from his dick, he informs his staff, " A real man has no problems performing this. " George decides to remove the turtle from his dick, so he produces a pen and pokes the turtle in the eye. The turtle then lets go of George's dick and retracts into his shell. Pulling up his pants once again, George says, " Ok, now each of you is going to do this or you'll be fired. I won't have any wimps on my staff. Dan Quayle, you're next! " Dan Quayle ponders for a moment before saying, " Well, alright, but do you have to poke me in the eye? " - - - - - - - - - - - - - From ccreado Thu May 7 12:55:10 1992 Return-Path: To: atul, brunstro, dennis, dmg, graz, klassa, kumar, leung, matheu, mhl, necaise, otten, powell, rifkin, rumman, sharon, subhas, tracey Here's a listing of some rather interesting laws which were passed in the U.S. Taken from the Seattle P-I (Tuesday, Sep. 4 page B-9) with no permission whatsoever. These excerpts are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton (Walker; $8.95). In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted." In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets. In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic. In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property. In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies. In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. (ed: ???) In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humerous stories from the pulpit during a church service. In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue." In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face). In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club" An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses." - - - - - - - - - - - - - What color license plates do Iowans get if they flunk their drivers test? Blue and White. Why do the trees in Minnesota lean south? Because Iowa sucks. Why do birds fly upside down over Iowa? Because Iowa isn't worth a crap. What's the best thing to come out of Iowa? I-35. If you find out you only have 2 weeks to live, why should you move to Iowa? Because in Iowa 2 weeks will feel like 2 years. What's the difference between an Iowa girl and a police car? It takes TWO police cars to block an intersection. What's the difference between an Iowa man and an inch worm? Nothing. What are the first 3 words in the Iowa constitution? Attention K-Mart shoppers. What's the difference between VD and a condominium in Iowa? You can get rid of VD. Why do Iowa State graduates put their diplomas on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped zone. What do women do when a man from Iowa exposes himself? Squint. Understand people in Iowa are pretty upset. Seems the lady who had the formula for ice died. Why did God create the midwest? To keep California 3000 miles away. A dumb man (as in can't speak) walked into a drug store to buy condoms. He gesticulated to explain what he wanted, but the clerk couldn't understand him. Finally, the man unzipped his fly, put his dick on the counter along with a ten dollar bill and he pointed at both of them. The clerk thought for a minute, then opened his fly, put his dick on the counter. Then he reached into his wallet, fished out ten bucks and gave it to the dumb man. "Okay, you win." - - - - - - - - - - - - - Mr. Jones is visiting a callgirl at her home. "My you sure have a lot of books," he said. "Yes, well I was a philosophy major in college," replied the callgirl. "Well how did you get into this profession?" he asked. She explained, "That was purely good fortune." - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Hello darling," said the anonymous caller. "If you can guess what I've got here in my hand, you can have some of it." "Listen up, you pig," said the woman on the other end, "If you can hold it in one hand, I'm not interested." - - - - - - - - - - - - - One friend asks another: "What's more important, having a big dick or having good technique?" "Technique, of course." "Oh, another Micro-dick." - - - - - - - - - - - - - The 9 Types of Girlfriends Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you - - - - - - - - - - - - - From rumman Thu Oct 24 21:58:19 1991 Return-Path: To: atul, cc, ea2458@ship.bitnet, gaffur@crx.pci.upmc.edu, kumar, luis, matheu, rhuda@egr.duke.edu, rifkin, stamos, subhas Height of honesty : Pregnant woman paying 1.5 times the fare. noise : Skeletons making love on a tin roof. Unemployment : Cobwebs in a hookers c**t Heights : Having an erection on the summit of Mt. Everest. Temperature: Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra. Stupidity: Dumber than a piece of rope this long (with finger and thumb about 2 inches apart). honesty : Pregnant woman paying 1.5 times the fare. suspicion : Suspicion of the husband that one of the twin babies doesn't resemble him. innocence: A five year old mistaking her nipple for a pimple. noise: Two skeletons doing it on a tin roof patience: dude taking a dump on a beach, waiting for the tide to come and clean up pain: dude sliding on razor blade on his balls, using his penis as a brake. frustration: dude hanging from a cliff, having itch in his balls minuteness : a pimple on the dimple of the left cheek of an ant - - - - - - - - - - - - - From rumman Thu May 7 15:52:39 1992 Return-Path: To: rifkin If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat-race, you're a male chauvinist pig. If you stay at home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, that's exploitation. If we have a boring repetitive job with low pay, we should get off our butts and find something better. If we mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If we keep quiet, its typical male indifference. If a man thumps her, it's assault. If she thumps him, it's self defence. If we appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, we're sexual perverts. If we don't notice, we're gay. If we buy her flowers, we're after something. If we don't we're cold and forgetful. If we ask for a cuddle, we're made out to be on track minded sex maniacs. If we're too tired, we're typically inconsiderate men who don't give a stuff about anyone else's needs. If we want it too often, we're oversexed. If we can't perform on cue then there must be someone else. - - - - - - - - - - - - - From rumman Sun Sep 15 16:43:25 1991 Return-Path: To: atul, cc, ea2458@ship.bitnet, kumar, rhuda@egr.duke.edu, rifkin Heres a hypothetical situation: I drove home late last night and drove over the neghbour's cat. What should I do? (a) hide the cat and let them think it ran away? (b) wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think they did it? (c) paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the middle so they think that crazy satanists did it? (d) throw the cat into my other neighbour's yard? (e) tell them that the cat will come back? (f) claim that I had the right of way and the cat had no business running infront of the car when it obviously knew I was going to accelerate? (g) put the cat in the garburator so there is'nt any evidence? (h) put the cat in a tree, call the fire department and let them try to explain it? (i) explain that when cat's get to a certain age they just lie around a lot and smell bad? (j) tell them that I ran over their cat with my car? (l) move away? (m) buy them a new cat that looks exactly like it? (n) drive over the rest of the cat's in the neighbourhood and claim that I was on a mission from god? (r) send them a bill for services rendered? (t) have the cat stuffed and put it on their front lawn so they won't notice a thing? (u) mail it to them so they blame it on the postal service? (v) blow it up? (w) Say that I saw space aliens land a flying saucer on top of it just before they got out and took my socks? (x) I don't know? (y) why not? (z) claim a heard of african zebras stampeeded my car causing me to swerve and hit the cat? Hmmmm, what would you do? ........... Life is a bitch, because if it was a slut it would be too easy....