What did the elephant say to the nude man? How do you breath through that little thing. *** A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods, when the bear asks the rabbit: "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" rabbit: "no" so the bear picks up the rabbit, and wipes his ass with him! *** two ________ (put in your favourite nationality that you love to pick on) are in the back room at a party sharing the same needle and shooting up heroin. a guy walks in and says, "y'all shouldn't be sharing needles, you can get AIDS that way!" the _________ (insert nationality) answers and says: "don't worry, we thought about that, we're both wearing condoms!" *** Why don't Baptists have sex standing up? Because it might lead to dancing. *** Three English were captured by an African tribe. The chief, who spoke a little English, came up to explain their options. "You can choose death, or ... gooney goo-goo." The first man to choose did not want to die, so he chose the second option not even knowing what it was. The chief clapped twice and a hundred natives came running out and porked him up the behind. The second man watched in abject horror, but he too did not want to die. The chief clapped twice and another hundred natives came out and porked him up the behind. The third man was totally disgusted. "That's worse than anything imaginable! I choose death." The chief nodded. "Death!" he repeated to his warriors. "Death ... by gooney goo-goo." *** Late one night a country farmer and his daughter were returning from the market. Suddenly, a group of robbers surprised them at gunpoint, stealing the wagon, and all the valubles therein. As the two walked for home, the young girl began to put on all of her necklaces and jewelry. The farmer asked, "Daughter, how come dem robbers didn't git yer valerbles?" "Well, Daddy," replied the girl, "I saw them coming and slipped ma things up ma vergina." The two continued walking, the father looking thoughtful and upset. The daughter ask, "Daddy, what's the matter?" The farmer looked at his child and said, "I was just wishin' yer momma hadda been with us. We coulda saved the horse and carriage too!!!" *** a young man and woman from (any state you hate) get married and leave for a week long honey moon. the groom returns but a few days later alone, and his mother asks him why he came back so early. he responds that his wife was a virgin, and if she wasn't good enough for their family, then she isn't good enough for ours! *** A guy walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "Bartender, give me 12 double martinis, please." The bartender replies: "Twelve??? Isn't that a bit much? What's the occasion?" The guy says: "Well, I just had my FIRST blow job." The bartender grins and says: "That's great. Tell you what, I'll make it a baker's dozen for you---the 13th is on the house!" The guy replies: "No thanks! If 12 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!" *** Little Red Riding Hood was walking along the path in the woods, and suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out in her way. He said, "Hey, babe, why do you say we just rip off all our clothes, and go at it right here?" Little Red Riding Hood looked at him and said, "Why don't you just stick to the story, and eat me?" *** one day in sunday school, the teacher asked the class of 8 yr. olds if they knew what part of the body went to heaven first. little sally raised her hand and said, "i know, it's your heart because that's where love is." the teacher said that was very nice. the rest of the class each said which part of the body they thought went to heaven first and the teacher gave each one a gold star. little bobby went last and said, 'i KNOW which part of your body goes to heaven first and you're ALL wrong." the teacher said, "ok, then tell us about it." little bobby said, "it's your feet. your feet go to heaven firstteacher." the teacher asked why that was. little bobby said, "well, i walked into my mommy and daddy's room last night, and my mommy's feet were in the air and she was screaming "oh, lord, i'm coming!". *** a teacher, who has to teach sex ed to the 6th grade, walks into class. she is a little embarassed about the topic, but decides to go for it. so she starts, "there are 8 basic positions for sexual intercourse..." "nine!" pipes a little voice in the back of the room. "ahem, well, yes. as i was saying," continued the teacher, "there are 8 basic positions for sexual intercourse..." again comes the little voice: "nine!" the teacher stoped and looked a little flustered, but decided to continue and ignore the voice. "the first position is the missionary position..." "that's new! i guess there are 10 then...." pipes the little voice. *** Dirty Ernie is sitting in the back of his Third Grade class, drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. Up front, the teacher is talking. "Okay class, today we' we're going to play a guessing game. I'll think of something and you tell me what it is." "Okay, the first thing ," she says, " is round, and red. It's a type of food. Okay, Johnny..." Johnny pipes up and says, "Is it an apple?" The teacher replies, "No, but I'm glad to see you're thinking. The next is also a type of food. It's long and green, and is a vegetable. Susie?" Susie says, "Is it a cucumber?" The teacher replies, "Sorry, it's a green bean. But I'm glad to see that you're thinking." Anyway, this goes on for a while... and finally the class bell rings. Dirty Ernie goes up to his teacher's desk and says, "Hey teach, I've got one for you." She says, "Okay Ernie, try me." "Alright. I've got something in my pocket. It's long and hard and has a pink tip." The teacher is taken aback, and exclaims, "Ernie, that's sick!" Ernie, with a smug look on his face, says, "No, it's a pencil. But I'm glad to see you're thinking." *** How can you tell the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? By the taste. *** "Mr. Sperling, do sperm have teeth?" ... I sure hope not!! *** willie was having oral sex with wanda when he came across a piece of a hot dog. thinking that she might have lost it while masturbating, he decided to ignore it, and promptly encountered some half digested pizza. "wanda," he asked in concern, "are you sick or something?" "no," she replied, "but the man that was there before you was!" *** her: im going into the a and p me: fine! i'll go into the q and shit *** Three couples, one elderly, one middle-age, the other newlywed, want to join a church. The minister tells them, "Okay, but in order to do so, you'll have to remain celibate for a month. Come back in a month, and tell me how you did." When the couples returned, one month later, the minister asked them one at a time if they were successful. The elderly couple said, "We usually only have sex once a month anyway, so it was easy to skip it this month." The minister congratulated them and let them in. The middle-age couple said, "We usually have sex every couple of weeks, and it was pretty difficult, but we managed." The minister congratulated them and let them in. The husband of the newlyweds said, "You have to understand sir that we just got married, and we're used to having sex several times a week. We did okay until the third week, and one time my wife bent over and I couldn't help myself. I ... I took her." The minister said, "Well, rules are rules. I'm afraid I can't let you in the church." The wife said, "That's okay. We're not allowed back in the Farm Fresh either." *** Why doesn't anyone want to be an egg? You only get laid once, eaten once, and the only person who wants to sit on your face is your mother. *** what is the difference between meat and fish? if you beat your fish, it dies. what is the differenc between light and hard? you can always sleep with the light on. what do you get if you cross a rooster with an M&M? a cock that melts in your mouth, not in your hand. What's more dangerous than a pit bull with AIDS? The guy who gave it to him. *** A nun gets into a taxi cab and says to the cabbie, "I'm new here and don't understand your ways, but do cab drivers ever engage in a little sex with their passengers?" "We've been known to," he replied. "I only ask three conditions," the nun said. "That you are a Catholic, that you be very discrete, and, inasmuch as I've taken the vow of chastity, that you do it anally." The cabbie eagerly agreed. After he banged her wildly in the back seat of his cab, he sat up and said, "Sister, I have a confession to make. I'm not a Catholic." "That's okay," the nun said. "I have one too. My name is really Bruce, and I'm on my way to a masquerade party." *** how do you circumcise a whale? four skin-divers. *** what's grey and comes in buckets? an elephant! where are an elephant's sexual organs? on his feet, 'cos if he steps on you, you're fucked! *** what's long and hard and full of seamen? a submarine. *** a guy with his girlfriend are driving along on a cold winters day, when the car breaks down. he gets out and fixes it, and when he gets back in his hands are frozen. His girlfriend says, i know where you can warm your hands, and she lifts her skirt and he sticks his hands between her thighs. she then says "aren't your ears cold too?" *** What's long and hard going in, and soft and sticky coming out? Chewing gum. *** q. have you heard about the new cereal called "prostituties?" a. they just lay there in the bowl and let you eat them q. have you heard about the cereal "queerios?" a. they just lay there in the bowl and eat each other *** Did you hear about the guy who couldn't spell? He spent all night in a warehouse. *** why did the football team cut the leper halfback? there was a problem with the hand-off. what did the leper say to the whore? "keep the tip!!" why did they stop the leper hockey game? there was a face off in the corner. how can you tell when a leper's been in your shower? your bar of soap has grown. *** how is sex like snow? you never know how many inches or how long it's gonna last. *** A man was walking down the street and a prostitute comes up and accosts him. "For $100 I'll do anything you can describe in three words." The man is aghast, and tries to escape, but she repeats her offer. The man pauses for a minute, and smiles. He reaches into his wallet and hands her $100, and says, "Paint my house." *** IT'S A SMALL TOWN You know you're in a small town..... - when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. - if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year. - if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail at you - if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. - when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery. - if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. - if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card! *** A guy walks into a restaurant and orders soup. It takes a while before the soup arrives, and when it arrives - it is too hot. While waiting for the soup, the guy starts feeling he has to go to the bathroom. `Now, while I'm in the bathroom, somebody might just come and eat the soup.' thinks the guy, ` What can I do?'. Then he has this flash of insight, and he pulls out a piece of paper and a pen and writes: `I spat into the soup!'. After putting the sign right next to the soup, our clever guy runs joyfully to the bathroom. When he returns, he sees an addition in pencil underneath what he wrote: `Me too'. *** Clergymen have to spend a lot of time consoling and counselling others, but have little outlet for their own problems. Thus, the heads of the various churches in a town decided to to get together for a sort of group therapy session. They met in a park outside of town and began to talk. The Presbyterian minister said, "My allowance is rather meager, and I have to admit that sometimes I will skim a little money from the collection plate for myself." The others agreed that a man has to live comfortably and that this sounds fine, as long as he doesn't get extravagant. The Episcopalian minister said, "I am in charge of the wine cellar for communion, and sometimes after a hard day, I'll go down and have a few glasses of wine." The others don't see any harm in this, as long as he doesn't get stinking drunk. The Adventist minister said, "Sometimes I fantasize about the young women in the congregation." This is similarly accepted and counselled. Finally they turn to the Baptist minister, who hasn't said anything. "What do you wish to talk about?" The minister just shakes his head and says "No, no, it's all right. I'm ok." The others work on him, saying that everyone has problems, it's ok to talk about them, they're all peers here, etc. Finally the minister flushes strongly, looks at the ground, and says, "Well, you see, ... I'm a terrible gossip, and I can't wait to get back to town!". *** Dear Son, Just a line to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing the letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home, because we have moved. It was a lot of trouble moving. The hardest part was the bed. The man wouldn't let us take it in the taxi. It wouldn't have been so bad if your father hadn't been in it at the time. About your father, he has a wonderful new job with 500 people working under him: he cuts the grass at the cemetry. Our new neighbor started raising pigs--we got wind of it this morning. I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in. There was a washing machine in the new house, but it isn't working too well. Last week I put two shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since. Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she's been going out with. He gave her a beautiful ring, it has three stones missing. Your other sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't heard if its a boy or a girl, so I can't tell you if you are an aunt or an uncle. Your little brother came home from school the other day crying. All the boys at school have new suits. We can't afford to buy him one, se we will buy him a new hat and let him stand at the window. Uncle Dick was drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at Dublin Works. Four of his workmates dove in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body, and it took three days to put out the fire. Kate is now working at a factory in Birmingham. She's been there for six weeks. I am sending her some clean underwear as she says shes been in the same shift since she got there. Your father didn't have too much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of scotch, and it kept him going to new year. I went to the doctor thursday, and your father went with me. The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and said to keep it shut for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. It rained only twice last week--first four days, and then three. On Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last installement on your grandmother wasn't paid--up she comes. Your loving mother, P.S. I was going to send you 10 dollars, but I already sealed the envelope. *** This guy in a car is pulled over by a cop for driving through a stop sign. The cop asks the man why he didn't stop, and the man responded "I slowed down; slowing down and stopping are just about the same thing, aren't they?" The officer proceeds to pick up the man by the collar and beat the man in the face mercilessly with his night stick. While he is doing this, the officer says "Now, do you want me to SLOW DOWN, or do you want me to STOP?" *** At one point, the council of cardinals decided that they wanted to make Rome an all-Catholic city. Since the Jews were one of the smallest populations, they decided to try throwing them out as a test case. The head rabbi was summoned and told of this decision. The rabbi protested, saying that the Jews had been there longer than the Christians, and that such an arbitrary decision should not be made without some debate. Thus, it was agreed that the Pope would debate one of the rabbi's. If the rabbi won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave. The head rabbi went back to the rabbinical council and said that a champion must be chosen. No one was too eager, as the Pope was well known as an intellectual and religious heavyweight. Finally, a Basque rabbi was chosen. As Basque was one of the few languages that the Pope didn't speak (this was before Hewbrew was revivied), the debate was to be carried out in sign language. [Hand gestures must be made by joke teller.] The Pope starts off the debate by making a sweeping gesture. [Hands and arms in at chest; hands move up and out until arms in scarecrow position; could be mistaken as symbolism for a rising sun.] The rabbi responds by pointing adamantly at the ground. The Pope thinks a bit, then holds up three fingers. The rabbi holds up one finger. The Pope begins to take communion. The rabbi pulls out an apple and begins eating it. At this point, the Pope conceeds the debate. The Pope returns to the council of cardinals, who ask what happened. [Begin repeating gestures.] "Well, I said, 'God is everywhere', and he said, 'and God is right here'. I then said 'God is a trinity', and he said, 'no, God is just one'. As an act of good faith, I began to take the body of Christ in communion. Then he pulled out an apple to show the sin in us all. He'd knocked me down point for point, so I decided to conceed the debate." The rabbi returns to his fellows, who ask what happened. [Repeat gestures again.] "Well, he said, 'you all gotta leave', and I said, 'no, we're staying right here'. Then he said 'you have three days', and I said, 'not one of us is leaving'. Then he broke for lunch, so I started eating mine." *** Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what they do with the money they receive in the collection plate. One priest says, "Well, I draw a line on the floor, throw all the money in the air and whatever lands north of the line, I give to God, the rest I keep." The other priest says, "I do pretty much the same thing... I drawa circle, throw all the money in the air and whatever lands inside the circle, I give to God, and whatever lands outside, I keep." The rabbi says, "Well, I do the same sort of thing too. I throw all the money up in the air and whatever God grabs, he gets!" *** A Rabbi wants to get a pet, so he goes to the petstore. He looks at the dogs, doesn't like them. The cats are disgusting. The turtles are boring. Finally, he sees a beautiful parrot. He asks the shopkeeper how much; the price is within range. "But one important thing, sir," says the Rabbi. "The parrot must be Jewish." "Sir," replies the businessman, "this is one of the most Jewish parrots you'll ever see! Why, he even prays!" "Nahh," scoffs the Rabbi. "No way. You're full of blintzes." "Really! Watch this! (to the parrot) Pray, Isaac!" The parrot says nothing. Not a peep. "Oh," the shopkeeper claps his hand to his head, "I forgot his yarmulka. Just a sec while I get it from the back room..." The petman comes back with the parrot's skullcap, puts it on Isaac's head, and stands back proudly. "Baruch atah adonai..." begins the parrot... "That's amazing! I'll take him!!" the Rabbi exclaims with glee. That Saturday, the Rabbi brings Isaac the praying parrot to the service. "Look, my people," he says, "I have a parrot that prays!" "Nahh, what a schmuck..." the congregation groans. "You don't believe me? Ha! I'll give you 10 to 1 odds that he prays. So there!" The congregation falls for it; they all throw in their money. 10 to 1 are not odds to sneeze at, after all. "Go ahead, Isaac....pray!" the Rabbi orders. Isaac doesn't utter a sound. "C'mon, you bird, you, Baruch..." the Rabbi prompts. The parrot remains silent, and the Rabbi loses his shirt. They get home from the synagogue, and the Rabbi says, "What's wrong you? You meshuggah...you didn't pray....." "Shhh, quiet," says the parrot. "Next week we'll get 'em at a HUNDRED to one!!" *** So there's this soldier who is all excited about joining the army. He heads for the local recruiter's office and says he's psyched to join. The recruiter says "Hey, great! Here's your gun," and hands the new soldier a broomstick. The new dude says, "Hang on, what kind of a gun is this? It doesn't even have a bayonet!" The Sarge ties a piece of string on the end, and says "You're all set now, just head out to the battle front, point your gun, and say 'Bangity-Bangity-Bang' and the gun will work fine. Swing it around, and say 'Stabity-Stabity-Stab' and the bayonet will do its thing." The soldier is a skeptic, but he's also not the brightest guy, so he believes the Sarge and heads for the battle front. There he is, in the middle of all the fighting, with a crazed look in his eye. He picks up his trusty broomstick, and waves it around at the enemy, saying "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!, Bangity-Bangity-Bang!, Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" To his amazement, everyone on the field is completely wiped out. Everyone, that is, except for one fighter, who is advancing very slowly and steadily toward our hero. The soldier thinks, "Hey, no sweat," and aims his broomstick. "Bangity-Bangity-Bang!" No difference -- the enemy soldier keeps advancing, slowly and steadily. Our man waves his weapon threateningly and says "Stabity-Stabity-Stab!" Still nothing. The enemy advances steadily toward the soldier. He bumps into the soldier, knocks him down, advances up over his legs, stomach, chest, and face and continues over the other side -- slow and steady. As the enemy moves away, the soldier hears him saying "Tankity-Tankity-Tank." *** A very nice mentally retarded boy was very excited because he was planning to go into the big city on a bus. Well, on the big day he was waiting out by the bus stop eagerly awaiting his transport. As the bus approached he started jumping up and down, waving his arms yelling (in a funny voice), "stop! stop! stop!". Well the bus just plowed right past him. He was very disappointed, so he waited until the bus came through the route again. Once again as it approached, he leaped up and down waving his arms, yelling(in a funny voice), "stop! stop! stop!". Once again the bus just zoomed off into the distance leaving him in the dust. Well, our hero had a plan. The next time the bus cam around he started jumping up and down and waving his arms and yelling "stop! stop!", but he saw the bus speeding up, so he ran out in front of the bus jumping up and down waving his arms, yelling(in a funny voice) "stop! stop! stop!" The bus continued to speed up and just plowed the boy over. His mother was shocked and ran out to the bus leapt on and accosted the driver, "why did you run over my son?" The driver said, waving his arms, jumping up and down and in a funny voice, "He was making fun of me." *** Three guys were shipwrecked and after a few days of drifting, came upon a desert island. This island was a nice refuge from drifting in the ocean and it contained the basic necessities to sustain life. For two years, these three guys survived off of seafood and fresh fruit. They were lonely for their families, however, and talked much of the day they would be rescued. One day, a bottle washed up on shore. When the cork was pulled out of the bottle, a genie appeared and offered each man one wish. The first guy said, "I haven't seen my parents, brothers or sisters for two years and I wish that I was home with them." Poof! He disappeared from the island and was immediately transported thousands of miles to his family's home. The second guy said, "I haven't seen my wife or baby daughter for two years. My wish is to be at home with them." Poof! He disappeared from the island and was immediately transported thousands of miles to where his wife and baby daughter were staying. The third guy thought for a little bit and then said, "I don't really have any family to speak of. I wish that my two friends were back here with me." Poof! *** I heard a much better version of this joke. It involved POWs in a German war camp. They were subjected to unusual tortures. One day they were forced to lean right and left, saying TICK and TOCK each time. One prisoner refused to cooperate, and kept jerking right, saying TICK repeatedly. So the commander came over saying, "Zo, you refuzes to co-OPERate. Vell, I must VARN you, ve haf VAYS of making you TOCK!" *** It seems there was this priest who just LOVED to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just HAD to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful. He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course. He set up at the first hole, making sure noone was there to see him playing hookey, and blasted that ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true; it bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... closer... a hole in one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement, praising the Lord and shouting alleluias. He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight. All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiousity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even LIED to go golfing. And now you reward him with a hole in one! Why?" God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him." St. Peter looks very confused and asks God for an explanation. God replies, "Well, after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?" *** What do you call a Philipino contortionist? A manila folder. Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. *** A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?" "What type?" the woman asked. "Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on. "Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney." "That's $250,000," the doctor replied. "Why so much? the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs." "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to product a pound of brain?" the doctor replied. *** For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." *** God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" *** Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. *** Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. *** A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" *** At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them." *** When asked, "What is a contigent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing." *** In the men's room of an exclusive country club, two lawyers were in adjoining stalls when one noticed an appalling lack of tissue. "Hey, George," he called, "hand me some paper, will you?" A disturbed voice replied, "Gosh, there isn't any here!" "Any newspaper lying around?" "No, don't see any..." "Do you have an old envelope in your pocket? A letter maybe?" "Sorry." "Well then. Do you have two fives for a ten?" *** How was copper wire invented? By 2 Jews pulling on a penny! *** Due to an oversight, the main dish at the interfaith banquet was a pork roast. The rabbi was taking it in good stride, although he wasn't eating, of course. His friend, the local priest, turned to him and said jokingly, "So, Rabbi, won't you ever try pork?". "Sure, Father, at your wedding." *** A young passenger, having to bail out of a troubled aircraft, nervously strapped a parachute to his back and jumped out of the plane. On the way down, he struggled to open the parachute to no avail. Suddenly he passed a man in hiking apparel going UP, so he quickly shouted to the man, "Do you know how to open a parachute?" The man shouted back, "Nope -- do you know how to light a butane stove?" *** Did you hear about the guy the who got his left side blown off? He's ALRIGHT now!!!! *** There once were two sea creatures, and one of them happend to be a sand crab and the other one happend to be a blue lobster. These two creatures of the sea also happened to be very good friends, although it is puzzling to wonder as why they were such goods friends seeing as they were a couple of the most different types of people (ummm errr Creatures). Sand crab was a party animal, he would dring beer and rape the women sand crabs while smoking crack, and after supper.... The lobster on the other hand was, the exact opposite, he was studious, hardworking and always the gentleman around the ladies (i.e. no belching while on a date). Well it came to pass (as it often does) that these two unlikely friends died, (it was a sad death being run over by a tractor trailer on the freeway while heading to Miami for a holiday). And as was expected the Sand Crap did not have what it takes to get past those pearly gates and he was sent to heck (I am trying to keep this clean) While the lobster as was expected went to heaven. Well time passed (as it often does) and the lobster began to miss the crab (although the crab couln't care less, being the rotten type of guy he was) and the lobster goes to the big Guy, and asks him if he can take some time of and visit the crab, in (well you know). And (inserting boomin voice here) THE GUY being the kind sweet hearted dude he is says, ok but you have to be home by 12:00. Well the lobster, quickly goes and packs his harp and wings onto his moped and drives to meet the sand crab, who just happens to now own a disco. (disco's being very popular in hell since that is where all disco types go). Well anyways lobster and crab have a great time, lobster playing his harp and crab playing with the women, but alas it nears noon so crab goes home. When lobster gets back to the pearlies, who should he meet but that great guy, The lord himself, and George goes to the lobster and asks him, about his visit, to which the lobster replies, terrific, but then the lobster realizes someething, and says oh no, "I left my harp in sand crabs disco" *** A traveling salesman once stopped along a deserted stretch of road at a monastary. He was hungry and a sign outside the monastary read "Friday Night -- Fish and Chips Dinner". Since it was Friday night and since he was hungry, he went in to try the food. When he went in, he found that many others were there also. This monastary had quite a reputation for its excellent fish and chips. Well, very soon the meal was brought out and put before him. He began to eat and was quickly amazed at how great the food was. He devoured his meal in minutes and then ordered more. After he was finally through, he asked the waiter if he could meet the cook. The salesman had to thank him for such an excellent meal. The waiter agreed, and led the man into the kitchen and introduced him to the cook. The salesman began to commend the cook's great ability to cook fish and chips, when the cook interrupted. "Wait a minute, wait a minute. I am only the fish friar. The chip monk is over there." *** Heard this morning on the radio (NPR): A man who runs an ice-cream parlor in Bethesda MD received a phone call a few days ago. The caller warned him that he would be robbed that evening, but that the police had already been informed and would apprehend the thieves as they left. The caller said that the man should therefore not panic, but should simply give them the money, and wait for the police. Sure enough, that evening, a robber appeared, demanded the money in the cash register, and left. The man calmly gave it to him, waited for the police, and then, after several minutes, sheepishly called the police to report the theft. *** LACK OF PLANNING ON YOUR PART DOESN'T CONSITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART. *** Subject: Best One-liner from AI-Digest Black holes are where God is dividing by zero... *** ...WITH MALICE TOWARD SUMS Two score and some years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this nation a new tax, conceived in desperation and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equally fair game. Now we are engaged in a great mass of calculations, testing whether this taxpayer any taxpayer so confused and so impoverished can long endure. We are met on Form 1040. We have come to dedicate a large portion of our income to a final resting place with those men who here spend their lives that they may spend our money. It is altogether anguish and torture that we should do this, but in a legal sense we cannot evade; we cannot cheat; we cannot underestimate this tax. The collectors, clever and sly who compute here, have gone far beyond our poor power to add or subtract. Our creditors will little note nor long remember what we paid here, but the Internal Revenue Service can never forget what we report here. It is for us taxpayers rather to be devoted here to the tax which the government has thus far so nobly spent. It is from these vanquished dollars that we take increased devoion to the few remaining; that we here highly resolve that next year shall not find us in a higher income bracket; that this taxpayer, underpaid, shall figure out more deductions, and that taxation of the people, by the Congress, and for the government, shall not cause our solvency to perish from the earth. *** Subject: "The Secrets of Consulting" . . . . . . is Gerald Weinberg's latest book, intended for consultants and people who use consultants. According to one review, it's fun to read and contains nuggets of real wisdom wrapped in anecdotes and humorous laws, rules and principles. Example: Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. Example: While riding a New York bus, Weinberg observed a young woman who got on the bus without paying for her eight children--four sets of twins, all under five--who rode free. The dumbfounded bus driver asked, "Gee, lady, do you ALWAYS have twins?" Her reply, "Heavens no. Most of the time we don't have ANY." Law: Most of the time, for most of the world, no matter how hard people work at it, nothing of any significance happens. Weinberg provides a whole chapter on ways to be effective at solving problems when you don't know what you're doing. One way is the Fourth Great Secret of Consulting: IF WHAT THEY'VE BEEN DOING HASN'T SOLVED THE PROBLEM, TELL THEM TO DO SOMETHING ELSE. (In paperback available from Dorset House Publishing, 353 W. 12th St., New York, NY 10014, for $25 plus $1.50 for shipping). *** Item from The Sharper Image catalog, May 1986: ..Saved by a beep Your Friday meeting is dragging on. Not only have you run out of things to say, you're late for an important date. Just as it looks like there is no escape, your beeper goes off, red light flashing. But only you know it's False Alarm, the convincing, professional-looking beeper that *you* activate -- anytime, anywhere. Simple to operate, switch it on, and after a 20 second delay (to avert suspicion) False Alarm beeps until you turn it off. You'll be amazed how a well-timed beep can turn the tide, buy you time, or bail you out of almost any situation. Made of high impact plastic, False Alarm clips to you belt or pocket. Measures 3L x 2L x 1D", weighs 2.5 oz. Equally impressive on first dates or closing arguments, take False Alarm anywhere you can use a break -- in the nick of time. *** Subject: Oxymorons Oxymorons from a contest in OMNI Magazine: I don't believe in astrology. But, then, I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. We are not anticipating any emergencies. Those who forget this sentence are condemned to reread it. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Act natural. "This report is filled with omissions." I can't remember having a more memorable time. No one goes to that restaurant anymore--it's always to crowded. "This paper fills a much-needed gap in the theory." By definition, one divided by zero is undefined. *** Subject: Quips and Comments The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer. .-- Henry Kissinger The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. .-- Hubert Humphrey Newpaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then print the chaff. .-- Adlai Stevenson A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. .-- Barry Goldwater If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? .-- Robert Moses *** Subject: Performance Appraisal Time... The scene: in a vast desert, a cowboy faces his horse. Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. *** Subject: "Try Topping This" Each year, those in the business of putting out annual reports try harder and harder to top everyone else's report. But try topping this. On the cover of Toronto-based Pagurian Corp's latest report is a photograph of Arne Naess, a Norwegian financier, reading the company's previous report. So what? He's doing it while standing atop Mt. Everest. Wearing an oxygen mask. *** Subject: General Laws >From the New York Times, June 9, 1986: Buried within the [Senate tax reform] bill, which weighs well over five pounds, are 174 items known as transition rules, special provisions that exempt particular companies, communities and individuals from specific conditions that would otherwise apply. The transition rules are written in such Delphic prose that, in most cases, no one can interpret them except the author, the taxpayer involved and the auditors at the Internal Revenue Service. For example, one rule would give a Rochester company, Praxis Biologics Inc., an exemption from an extra tax that would otherwise be imposed on royalties it earns from selling vaccines to pharmaceutical companies. This is how the rule is described in the bill: "In the case of a taxpayer which was incorporated on Feb. 17, 1983, and the five largest shareholders of which are doctors of medicine, any royalties of such taxpayer from products resulting from medical research shall be treated in the same manner as royalties from computer software are treated." A staff member who worked on the transition rules said he did not know why they were written in such an obscure way except that "it's always been done that way." *** Subject: Heaven and Hell In Heaven, the cooks are French, the police are English, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss. In Hell, the cooks are English, the police are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Italians. *** Subject: On following the proper procedures ... Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured on is way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the army where he was then executed. *** Subject: New Yorker Humor Adv. from the Wall Street Journal FORECLOSURE LISTINGS Entire state of NJ available. Investors call... New Yorker comment: No, thanks. ---------- Ad in the 7/7/86 New Yorker, not intended as humor: WHITE TENNIS BALLS The classic white ball, almost impossible to find anywhere. Not yellow, not orange, but pure, crisp white, the way tennis balls OUGHT to be. Putnam Antiques, 9 Pond Rd., Middlefield, Mass. 01243 *** >From Bolton [Canada] Enterprise, July 15, 1986 .Letter arrives 3 months late It was a case of sending mail to Bolton all right, but Bolton in the wrong country. A parcel containing a medical journal was sent to Dr. Martin Steins of Bolton, Ontario, Canada from East Rutherford, New Jersey sometime in April, 1986, according to the postmark. However, three months later, The Medical Letter finally arrived in Bolton, Ontario. Dr. Steins received the package last week and was heard to remark that it was one of the best examples of mismanaged mail he had ever seen. The problem came in when someone in the U.S. postal system sent the package to Bolton, England. From there it was redirected to Farnworth, to Westhoughton and to Horwich, all in England. Finally, someone in the British postal system read the address label and wrote on the package ...'Dont Be Silly -- Send it to Canada' *** Other Opinion When the shoe's on the other foot .by Art Buchwald: .It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. ."Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice." ."Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" ."How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." ."I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" ."Your diagnosis is as good as mine." ."What are you talking about?" ."When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine." ."Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." ."Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" ."I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." ."Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' " ."Why are you reading that to me?" ."Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..." ."Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." ."You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." ."Then get me another doctor." ."There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice." ."If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court." ."You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone." ."You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him." ."That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' " ."Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?" ."I better check you out first." ."Don't check me out, just give the dope." ."But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?" ."What for?" ."To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." ."I'm not going to sue you." ."You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?" >From: American Medical News, p.4, July 18, 1986 (reprinted in AMN with permission of the author, LA Times Syndicate, 1986) *** Instructions: Each question below contains the initial of words that will make it correct. Find the missing words. 1).26 = L. of the A. 2).7 = W. of the W. 3).1001 = A. K. 4).12 = S. of the Z. 5).54 = C. in a D. with the J's. 6).9 = P. in the S. S. 7).88 = P. K. 8).13 = S. on the A. F. 9).32 = D. F. at which W. F. 10).18 = H. on the G. C. 11).90 = D. in a R. A. 12).200 = D. for P. G. in M. 13).6 = S. S. on a S. S. 14).3 B. M. (S. H. T. R.) 15).4 = Q. in a G. 16).24 = H. in a D. 17).1 = W. on a U. 18).5 = D. in a Z. C. 19).57 = H. V. 20).11 = P. on a F. T. 21).1000 = W. that a P. is W. 22).29 = D. in F. in a L. Y. 23).64 = S. on a C. B. 24).40 = D. and N. of the G. F. *** Figure out what the numbers are: F O R T Y T E N T E N --------- S I X T Y S E N D M O R E --------- M O N E Y *** Here are the answers to the puzzle. 1).26 = Letters of the Alphabet 2).7 = Wonders of the World 3).1001 = Arabian Knights 4).12 = Signs of the Zodiac 5).54 = Cards in a Deck with the Jokers 6).9 = Planets in the Solar System 7).88 = Piano Keys 8).13 = Stripes on the American Flag 9).32 = Degrees Farenheit at which Water Freezes 10).18 = Holes on the Golf Course 11).90 = Degrees in a Right Angle 12).200 = Dollars for Passing Go in Monopoly 13).6 = Sea Shells on a Sea Shore 14).3 Blind Mice (See How They Run) 15).4 = Quarts in a Gallon 16).24 = Hours in a Day 17).1 = Wheel on a Unicycle 18).5 = Digits in a Zip Code 19).57 = Heinz Variety 20).11 = Players on a Football Team 21).1000 = Words that a Picture is Worth 22).29 = Days in February in a Leap Year 23).64 = Squares on a Cecker Board 24).40 = Days and Nights of the Great Flood *** Subject: Sign of the Times Item from "SYNC" Catalog, Fall 1986 issue: ------------------------------------------------------------- .TODAY'S UNSHAVEN LOOK -- EVERYDAY! You see them on TV every Friday night -- the super-cool cops with the look that's started a new fashion rage! But that's just television -- how can you keep that terrific one-day shadow *everyday* in real life? Now it's easy, because SYNC is on top of today's trends with the new Stubble Device! It's the shaver that leaves behind just enough of your beard to let you keep that Miami look. And you can even choose between *two* trimming attachments: one that leaves you with a subtle 1-day shadow, and the other lets you maintain a heavier 5-day growth. At last, you can shave everyday -- without looking like you've shaved at all -- while keeping that stubble well-groomed. Kit comes with shaver, 2 trimming attachments, pre-shave brush, storage stand, barber comb, oil, and 3 AA batteries. $29.95 *** Subject: New Yorker Humor From Seattle Post-Intelligencer: "You're strapped into a cramped cockpit staring at a row of gauges on a metallic-black dashboard. Cruising at your top speed of about 240 mph, you know you've got another six hours of flying time left before you reach your target over the battle-torn Pacific. You're hoping the gunnery mates facing the sky and protecting your back will be ready if a squadran of German fighters pops out from behind the clouds." New Yorker comment: "You're clearly lost." ---------- From the Miami Herald "The British surrender at Yorktown, Va., in October 1791 was the last major battle. Since news moved slowly in those days, sporadic fighting continued until a peace treaty was signed in September 1983." New Yorker comment: Dept. of Understatement ---------- Excerpt from a description of a visit by the New Yorker editors to a circus act on Coney Island: "Hey, how 'bout you stand over there against that wall while I throw knives all around you?", he asked. "No," we replied. "That's what everybody says," he sighed sadly, walking away. *** TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apperatus that automatically turns red .. when your car approaches. TELEVISION -- movies where people don't step on your feet. MOVIES -- television where people don't interupt with unexpected visits. TRANSIT COMPANY- group that complains of bad business when all .. passengers get a seat. DIVORSE -- post-graduate in School of Love. PLAYBOY -- one who shortens the day by lengthening his night. BACHELOR OF SCIENCE -- one who has mastered the science of remaining a .. bachelor. PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way .. out of the woods. MAN -- a remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back. WOMAN -- creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because she does. PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, .. and the majority has no idea what's happened. LOVE -- unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes. SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it. SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut. SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look .. fat in mink. CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you .. know you are. FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theatre that isn't a western. OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve. PESSIMIST -- man who looks for a pink slip before the money in .. his pay envelope. EPITAPH -- a postponed compliment. IMMEGRATION -- the sincerest form of flattery. MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's .. coming in the next issue. MIRACLE -- something that never happens in our generation. *** The following is from a sheetprinted by Baldy Sayings, 901 Arendell Street, Morehead City, NC 28557. EXAMPLES OF UNCLEAR WRITING, SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY A LOCAL WELFARE DEPARTMENT TO APPLICATIONS FOR SUPPORT... I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptised on a half sheet of paper. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money? Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why? I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead. This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it? Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do _anything_ until he knows for sure. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory. I am fowarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since. What are you going to do about it? Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon I will be forced to lead an immortal life. You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference. I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things do not improve, I will have to send for another doctor. *** Police in Miami arrested two men who appeared to be engaged in a drug transaction. But the dealer had sold the buyer phony cocaine -- which was paid for in counterfeit money.... ...Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, may have violated the rights of a suspect by attaching a metal colander to his head and connecting the colander to an office photocopier with metal wires. A message reading "HE'S LYING" was placed in the copying machine. Each time the interrogators got an answer they didn't trust, they pushed the copy button -- and out would come the message. Convinced the jerry-rigged polygraph was accurate, the suspect confessed. (NR Aug 15, 1986) *** Why do farts smell? -so deaf people can enjoy them too. *** Q: What's grosser than gross? A: When you open the refrigerator and the rump roast farts in your face. Q: What do Yoko Ono and Cambodians have in common? A: They both live off dead beetles. *** During WWI there was a meeting between the english, french and american generals to decide whose soldiers are the bravest. To show that the french soldiers are the bravest, the french general ordered one of his men to climb a 50ft pole and ring the bell at the top. The soldier did it alright. "That's nothing!", says the english general. He then tells one of his men and say," climb up that 100ft pole and ring the bell!". His man obeys his command and does that right away. Finally the american general opens his mouth and says," that's nothing, our men are the bravest." He then turns to one of his men and says," go and climb the 200ft pole overthere and then ring the bell!" Without any hesitation, the american soldier replied his commander and says,"fuck you!" *** A Speech for equal-rights in a conference. Speaker is a die-hard feminist. "We, the women, have been always treated unfair thruout the history of mankind.....We have to fight for equal rights, for we can no longer tolerate to be put at the bottom by men. We want to be at the top., not always at the bottom......We do admit that occasionally we can accept equal positions....." *** A very, very rich arab prince meets a gorgious blond and immediately decides to propose a marriage. He promises that he will give her tons of jewlery but the girl says, "No way!". He then promises to make her the queen, and the girl says, "No way!". The girl obviously does not like the Arab. She eventually says, "Look, buster! Only if u have a foot long will I marry u!" After long hesitation, the arab opens his mouth and says, "O.K. then. I'll cut!" *** There is a merchant who fears that someone will take advantage of his beautiful daughter. Therefore he says to her, "My dear, if anyone do anything to u, do exactly the same to him. Remember, an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth!" One day the merchant notices that his daughter has a funny smile on her face and he arealises that someone had already took advantage of her. Agonized, he asks her what happens. "Dad, one day I was in the balcony and I saw the boy who lives next to us on the other side. He winks at me. So thinking that u told me to do the same thing, I winked back at him. He then waves, so for the principle of "an eye for an eye", I waved back. He then came over and kissed me. So I kissed him -- he can't took any advantage! He then starts to take off his clothes, so I did the same. He then touch me, therefore I touch him back. eventually he poked me and I start bleeding, so I decided to make him ejaculate!" *** My old boss at Colonial Williamsburg one day was visited by some ladies from marketing, come to look at an antique hand-printed and -painted volume showing the birds of the colony, to be reproduced on placques or cocktail napkins or something to be sold to the tourists. Eileen got out the book, and the ladies flipped through the pages, saying "Oh, that one would be pretty" or "That one might be nice". Then, on one page, they blanched and said "Oh, no, we CAN'T use that one." Eileen looks at the pages and asks "Why? What's wrong with the yellow-bellied goat-sucker?" *** Some newly-weds were on their honeymoon when the new bride developed a sharp pain in her left shoulder. She tried to ignore it, put the pain wouldn't subside. (make that "but the pain") Eventually, the pain became so bad that they had to cancel their honeymoon and return to get medical care. The doctor, after being told about the pain, decided that a thorough exam was in order. After some time the doctor returned to the new husband who was quite nervous by this time. "Well, it seems your wife has acute angina" The husband blushed and replied, "Well I know THAT doc, but what's wrong with her shoulder?" *** This three legged dog walks into a bar and hollers, "I'm lookin' for the guy who shot my paw." *** A fellow with a love of gorilla hunting simply can't wait for each summer to arrive so he and his friends can go off to hunt gorillas in the jungle. One year, a friend of his suggests hiring a well-known but notably eccentric safari hunter. They agree, and together the group heads for jungle. Upon arriving, the eccentric safari hunter immediately hires his hunting team of one pygmy, a zulu with a shotgun, and a rather ferocious looking dog. The group immediately heads into the jungle, and no sooner do they do so when they spot an enormous gorilla in a tree. Quickly, the stealth pygmy scampers up the tree and proceeds to shake the branch upon which the gorilla is perched. After several seconds, the poor gorilla tumbles to the ground, and the zulu unleashes the dog, who immediately attacks the gorilla and bites him in the groin. Paralyzed with pain, the gorilla faints dead away. A net is thrown over him, and the group has its first gorilla. The next day, the group encounters an even larger gorilla. Once again, the pygmy scrambles up the tree and shakes the branches until the gorilla tumbles down. Once again, the zulu releases the dog, who bites the gorilla and incapacitates him, and the group has its second gorilla. Well, on the third day they spend several hours hunting, but no gorilla. Finally, after they're just about ready to give up, they spy a HUGE beast in a rather large tree. Quick as a flash, the pygmy scampers up the tree and begins shaking the branches. No luck. The pygmy shakes them harder. No avail. He is just about to try again when the gorilla reaches out with a massive hand and smacks the pygmy dead in the face. Dazed, the pygmy tumbles from the tree. "Shoot the dog!" He cries. "Shoot that dog!" *** What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor (miner/minor, get it?) *** who was the first computer operator? eve she had an apple in one hand, and a wang in the other. *** An Italian, a Frenchman, and an American were debating which was the better lover. The Italian presented his case first. "Last night, I made love to my wife eight times. In the morning, she said it was the greatest experience of her entire life, and she made me a fantastic continental breakfast." The Frenchman spoke next. "That is nothing. Last night, I made love to my wife twelve times. In the morning, she said she had never imagined anything so incredible was possible in this world, and she made me a deli- cious omelet for breakfast." The two then turned to the American. The Italian asked, "So, how many times did YOU make love to your wife last night?" "Just once," the American replied. The Italian and the Frenchman burst into laughter. "Only once?" the Frenchman laughed. "And what did she say to you in the morning?" "'Don't stop.'" *** Two married couples had been good friends for years and did many things together. One weekend theydecided to go on a camping trip. To relieve the boredom of a weekend in the woods they brought along a great deal of alcohol. After they had been drinking and their inhibitions were down, someone mentioned partner swapping. They all agreed that it sounded great and off they trotted to opposite tents with their new partner. About an hour later one of the men stopped what he was doing and said, "This is great! I wish we had thought of this years ago! I wonder if the girls are having as much fun as we are?" *** Mickey Mouse took Minnie to the psychiatrist. "You gotta help her, Doc," he said, and explained the problem. The psychiatrist took Minnie into his office, and returned a half hour later. He said to Mickey, "I've talked with her, and I don't understand what you're worried about -- she's not crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, Doc, I said she was fucking Goofy!" *** a man and his wife are laying in bed, when the man farts. his wife asks what that was, and he says that he is playing a football game, and just scored a touchdown. his wife, not to be out done, also farts, and says that she scored a touchdown, and the extra point. the husband, not wanting to lose to a woman (an understandable feeling), tries really hard to fart again, and pushes and strains so hard that he finally shits in the bed. his wife asks WHAT WAS THAT? and he replies that it was the half time signal, and it was time to switch sides...