At least Bill Clinton's selection of a running mate guarantees one aptly-named event this campaign season: The Gore-Quayle debates. *** __________________________________ *IF GOD HAD MEANT FOR US TO VOTE * * HE'D HAVE GIVEN US CANDIDATES * __________________________________ *** After taking my car to the shop and finding out that there is nothing wrong with it, I thought that Sears Auto Centers, who are accused of a rampant over-charging scam here in California, could use the controversy as an opportunity for a new slogan: "At Sears, our mechanics hear noises other mechanics don't!" *** During Michael Feldman's opening monologue on Wha'dyaknow? broadcast 7-11-92 he noted that Ross Perot has already started showing some signs of maturity even before becoming President: "Not only has Perot said that now he's willing to have gays in his cabinet, he's also going to keep some in the closet." *** From an Associated Press report: [Bill Clinton's running mate Albert] Gore [Jr.], a 16-year veteran of Congress, pledged to take on the assignment with "great relish and enthusiasm." He asked voters skeptical of their promise of change to remember that every Communist government in Eastern Europe had fallen in 100 days. "Now it's our turn here in the United States of America," Gore said. *** Boris Yeltsin came upon a crowd of students around a bonfire. He noticed that they were burning books and asked, "What are these books which you are burning?" They replied, "These are our Marxist-Leninist textbooks. We have no use for them now." Yeltsin replied, "Don't burn them. Send them to American students. They will buy them." *** Spellbound I have a spelling checker It came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it I'm sure your pleased too no. It's letter perfect in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. -- Pennye Harper *** J. Walter Thompson, a huge ad agency, has a test for all wannabe copywriters. They print it every few years as a full page ad in many major newspapers. They call the campaign "Write if you want work." My response to the question, "Write the history of the United States in 100 words or less": Creation. Evolution. Civilization. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation. Representation? Declaration. Revolution. Celebration. Constitutionalization. Election. Inauguration. Succession. Institutionalization. Conflagration. Migration. Plantation. Expansion. Destination Manifestation. Annexation. Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. Emancipation Proclamation. Assassination. Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination. Invention. Transportation. Urbanization. Exploitation. Stratification. Assassination. Unionization. Protection. Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction. League of Nations. Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization. Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration. Fission-n-Fusion. Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization. Militarization. Partition. Persecution. Automation. Failed Invasion. Assassination. Investigation. Division. Demonstration. Mind Alteration. Space Exploration. Bra Incineration. Obfuscation. Resignation. Elation. Stupification. Abortion. Stagflation. Gas Station. Computerization. Communication. Deregulation. Pollution. Deforestation. Kinder, Gentler Nation. Reunification. Reconciliation. Verification. Recession. Demarcation. Obliteration. Glorification. Education? copyright 1992 david hyatt -- don't rip it off if you're taking the same test! *** Overheard in a restaurant: A supercomputer is a computer 1 order of magnitude less powerful than is needed to solve the problems we have right now. *** Instead of letting the American people decide on which Elvis to put on the US Post Office stamp, why not put BOTH pictures! And taking it a step further I sugguest putting an anti-drug message such as...... /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ / $.29 | \ \ | / / | \ \ | / / | \ \ YOUNG ELVIS | FAT ELVIS / / | \ \ | / / | \ \ | / / | \ \ ---------------------------------------------------------- / / This is your body. This is your body on drugs. \ \ Any questions? / \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ *** A couple of Vietnam War buddies are driving along a road, somewhere in Georgia, when they come across a sign that reads: "We'll give you $1000 for every inch, over a foot, that your doo-dads are from the end of your big thing." So, one of the pair turns to the other one and informs his friend that he wants to enter the contest. So they pull off the road and enter the bar. Man: I saw your sign and I want to enter your contest. Waitress: OK, would you come out back with me, please? They go out back, and, on her request, he lays out his "big thing" on the table. Waitress: That's a rather large thing you have there, but where are your doo-dads? Man: Saigon. *** A collection of quotes from Professor Ralph Noble, a professor of psychology here at RPI. Specifically, these were taken from his Psychology of Motivation class, Fall semester 1991. "As undergraduates, you realize that cleaning is very cost-ineffective, and why would you bother?" "If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same behavior." "They've got drive-by shootings in Philadelphia now. Where they park to reload, I don't know." On Siamese Fighting Fish: "They're beautiful, they're elegant, they're vicious as hell...there's a real life lesson here somewhere." "If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put into perspective." "As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity." On Oprah Winfrey's income: "$83 million? Oprah and I do basically the same thing. Stand in front of people and abuse them." On 'the totally suffering individual' (i.e. no food, no oxygen, no water, no self-esteem, no safety, no friends, no money, sick and in pain, etc.) "You can't do this with people, which takes all the fun out of life." "20 scared-out-of-their-gourds 3 or 4-year olds is an example of what I'd like to do to some of you who are really getting on my nerves." "In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further examine the totally suffering individual." "No beer? I think that comes under 'sick and in pain.'" "We're going to talk about sex--you're going to talk about sex, because I can't remember." "The only sense I can make out of having kids is it's a good way to become a grandparent." "Men stare at those parts of the female anatomy which carry the subcutaneous fat necessary for childbearing and lactation. This is not news." "Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before." "If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it." On fear-reduction techniques and how they can be used to make a bad relationship last: "If I could use these techniques as well as I can explain them, do you think I'd be here? And if I was here, I'd look a lot more tired and happy." "They don't let us beat students anymore, but my fantasy life is my own business." "Supposedly, it is possible to score goals [in field hockey]. However, this rarely happens because hitting people is so positively reinforcing." "Usually shooting a professor in the head ticks them off, but sometimes they'll say 'Thank you.'" "At 100,000 feet up, you're talking serious, _serious_ long underwear and oxygen." "I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open, which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and upper management." "I learned to put the [toilet] seat down...it makes you look like a warm, caring, sensitive human being." "You bring someone home, say 'Hi, Mom, this is so-and-so,' she immediately knows everything except which side of the bed he sleeps on." "She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human." "We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not a necessary assumption, but I find it comforting." "There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off your problems." "There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific." "There are two universes: for males, and for females." "In the US, males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such." "Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping." "Happily ever after...there are some people who have achieved that, for the moment." "Is another way to put this 'All men are crazy?'" "I may be more of a romantic than some of you, so feel free to throw up if you have to." "Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing." "A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living." "There's a large amount of evidence saying that the man's point of view is largely irrelevant." "Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list?" "You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one." *** Ross Perot was accused of forcing his employees to sign loyalty oaths. Too bad he never had to sign one. -- Jay Leno *** I have invented a marketing term for a marketing presentation given at a technical conference: "virtual information" *** Dan Quayle was on television, saying that Bill Clinton picked Al Gore to 'cover for his inadequacies'. Does this mean that George Bush thinks he doesn't have any faults? *** I ride the train each week, and so I meet lots of interesting people. Last Sunday, I had the chance to sit next to this precocious 9-year old. The conversation soon settled in on the subject of video games. After a bit, he asked me, "What is the difference between 16-bit and 8-bit games?" I was just about to offer an explanation on bus bandwidth when I realized that the only type of bus he'd ever heard of was yellow and had flashing lights. So I took the challenge: "Well, let's say you were a bus driver and had to get kids from the bus stop to school. Would you rather take a bus that could hold 8 kids at a time, or 16?" "8 kids," he responded, to my wonder. "Why?" I queried him. "'Cause I like to drive." So I said to myself -- okay, think up another example. "Let's say there was this big pile of money in a room, and I gave you a minute to take as much of it as you wanted. Would you rather have a cart that carries 16 pounds or a cart that only carries 8 pounds?" His immediate response: "8 pounds". Now, I was dumbfounded. His response to my immediate "Huh?!" was, "I don't like to have so much money." This really took me by surprise. Nevertheless, I plodded along with another angle: "Instead of money, let's say that were a pile of video games. Now which cart would you take? The cart that can hold 8-pounds, or the one that can hold 16?" Guess what he told me. "8, because I wouldn't want to be spoiled." After tearing my hair out and jumping up and down for the next 5 minutes, I calmed down and realized that he was laughing up a storm. Here I was, being HAD by this kid half my age. He probably knew more about 16-bit video games than I did. Never underestimate the video game generation. -Kartik *** Source: Jay Leno All the presidential candidates agree that President Bush is responsible for the recession -- which is unfair. Come on, he wasn't even in the country when it was going on. *** Chevyn sez: * do you think people in wheelchairs complain if you leave the seat up? * i don't really care if the cows do come home just as long as they don't rent the room above me. * do you think eddie murphy's first words were mumafufa? ... just curious. * what if sheep realized when you were pulling the wool over their eyes? * if i knew then, what i know now, i could of screwed up better. *** Once you posted a joke that ran something like this: Once there was a farmer who was feeding apples to his pigs. An efficiency expert happened by and, seeing what the farmer was doing, said, "Old man! Why are you holding the pigs up to the trees and letting them eat your apples there? Would it not take much less time to simply shake the tree and let the pigs eat where the apples fall?" The farmer thought for a moment, and then answered him, saying, "What do pigs know of time?" Now it happened that a Zen master was feeding apples to his pig. A student happened along and, seeing what the master was doing, said, "Master! Why are you holding the pig up to the tree and letting it eat the apples there? Would it not take much less time to simply shake the tree and let the pig eat where the apples fall? For surely your time is more valuable than the pig's!" The master thought for a moment and said, in humble tones, "Master! You are right. I will sit at your feet while *you* hold the pig." *** In the Sunday, April 19, edition of Parade Magazine, it is reported that, even though the Japanese use about 600 million condoms a year, they only imported about $2200 worth. Talk about a lack of market penetration! *** Cuba used to have a great rowing team, but all the really good rowers ended up on the US team. - Jay Leno *** From the Oregonian, Portland's newspaper: Why is Dan Quayle so afraid of Albert Gore? Because Gore is from that state with all the "e"s. *** On the Senior Pro Golfers' tour, the phrase 'winning by a stroke' takes on a whole new meaning. [From a Boston Globe article about local radio station WAAF] *** From George Will's column, this joke circulating among conservative Republicans: Q: What's the difference between George Bush and John Gotti? A: At least Gotti's got one conviction. *** The sign below was seen in a local municipal court house. "We are not allowed to give legal advice -- by law." Isn't that legal advice? *** The following appeared in a story in today's (8/3) Boston Globe describing President Bush's campaign appearance at a picnic near Chicago yesterday: "Then Bush responded to questions about whether he would drop out of the race by holding up a half-eaten ear of corn to the questioners, a gesture he did not explain." This is a new high point in the art of the Bushism. Now the President doesn't even need to use *words* to say things that nobody can figure out. *** During the riots, Bill Clinton visited LA. He said he could see the fires but couldn't smell the smoke. *** One time Santa Claus was out deliverng presents on Christmas morning, when he came to the house of a beautiful young woman. He slid down the chimney, and there she was waiting for him in her best bathrobe. "Merry Christmas, my dear," he said, "have you been a good girl all year?" "I certainly have!" she replied. So he put all her presents under the tree and said "Well, see you next year!" "But Santa," she said, "won't you stay with me for a little while?" "That's very sweet of you dear," said Santa Clause, "but I've got alot of present's to deliver and I really have to be going." "But Santa," she said, "I've been waiting for you all year..." "Oh no, no, no," said Santa Clause, "there's lot's to be done by morning, and what would Mrs.Clause say?" "But Santa," she said slipping out of her robe, "just this once?" "Oh all right," he said, "I'll never make it back up the chimney now anyway." *** Abbreviations of EMACS:- (Source: V.G.Baliga at the University of Indiana-Bloomington) EMACS :- Emacs Makes A Computer Slow EMACS :- Esc Meta Alt Control Shift *** Things that might have been funny if comedian Steve Wright had said them: The most popular kids show in France is Beauxault le Clown. I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom. Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight. I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone. Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had cross-trained. You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country. I called the census bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another. She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground. Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. A man's body is 70% water. However, a dolphin's body is 0% water, so dolphins have to live in the ocean. A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the skunk up a tree. My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought wind socks. I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend. Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball. The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles. I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep. No matter how much the passengers eat, the weight of the plane stays the same. Which of the Himalayas is the shortest? The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement. *** It isn't easy being a dick... I have a head I can't think with. I have an eye I can't see with. I have to hang around with two nuts all the time. My closest neighbor is an asshole. My best friend is a pussy. My owner beats me. And now because of AIDS I have to wear a rubber suit and puke all over myself. *** So Karl Marx dies and shows up at the gates of heaven to be met by Saint Peter. "Name?" asks Peter. "Marx, Karl Marx." replies the famous author. "Hmm," says Peter to himself, "why do I know that name?" "I am Marx," Marx said, beaming with pride, "founder of socialism and the driving force behind the communist ideal called Marxism." "I see," Peter said. "I'll have to check with God." So Peter rushes off to confer with God. God hears the name Marx and immediately a look of disgust infects His face. "Marx?" God says, "He's nothing but a trouble maker. Send him down to hell." So Peter happily signs the appropriate forms and deports Karl Marx to Satan's firy hell. Some time later, a free trade agreement is forged between Heaven and Hell. The deal is hailed by all to be a great economic leap forward that would revitalize both struggling economies. But soon after the treaty, God realizes that Heaven is no longer receiving any products from Hell. So he sends Saint Peter down to investigate. "Well?" asks Peter of Satan, "What's the hold up? We have an agreement!" Satan shrugs his shoulders, exasperated. "It's that Marx fellow," Satan replied. "Ever since he got down here, all we've had are strikes and labour demands. Productivity has dropped to zero!" "So?" Peter asks, "What would you have us do?" "Take him back. Take Marx back to Heaven, and I guarantee productivity will sky rocket!" So Peter agreed, on God's behalf, to accept Karl Marx back to Heaven. Some time later Satan realizes that Hell has not received any orders for product from Heaven. In fact, very little communication at all has leaked from Up Above. So, concerned for the economic welfare of Hell, he makes a trip to Heaven. "Peter! Peter, are you there?" Satan demands. "Yes, what is it?" Peter answers. "What's the hold up? What about the flow of trade?" "Oh I'm sorry," Peter said, "We have decided to adopt a Marxist isolationist stance. We are an intrinsic self-governed body that is now based on the needs of the prolitariate. It is our opinion that this free trade agreement only benefits the bourgeois." "What?!" Satan was furious. "I demand to speak to God!" Peter's eyebrow is raised in confusion. "Who?" *** Are You a Geek? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you misunderstand phone sex, resulting in painful electrical burns? When the air conditioning comes on during a staff meeting, do you invariably grab your throat and then pretend to collapse on the table? Do you use Drano as a toilet cleanser? Does your carpet change color when you vacuum? When you exterminate? Is the only vacuum you know about the one the crew is exposed to after a breach of the inner hull? Do you wear socks so dirty Saddam Hussein wouldn't use them against the Kurds? Has half a pizza been in the back of your refrigerator for so long it's begun to manipulate symbols? When the waiter at the Chinese restaurant asks for your number, do you bellow righteously, "I am not a number! I am a luncheon special!" Are you Steve Zimmerman? Do you chuckle when you think that, under those clothes, all those women are naked? Did you giggle when the female employment recruiter said she had multiple openings available? Did you name a workstation "madonna" so that you could see *** shutdown message for madonna from operator@madonna *** madonna going down in 5 minutes Did you giggle when a manager talking about a female colleague's PC asked "Does Janet have dual floppies?" Do you twitter uncontrollably each time the tv announcer says, "dual front airbags"? Do you post irrelevance to global networks in the hope that someone will think you're witty? *** A notable recent quote from George Bush: "Eight years is too long for anyone to go without skills or purpose." (Actually, the president claimed to be talking about welfare recipients.) *** Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise: --------------------------------------------------------- 9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft 8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data 7. Giving Worf A nuggie 6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!) 5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals 4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence 3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression 2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can 1. Tribble sex! *** Top Ten Uses For My Boyfriend's COMPUTER (written by a girl learning WordPerfect) 10) Good post-it note holder. 9) Keeps pesky boyfriend out of your hair. 8) Warm place for the cat to sleep. 7) Good reason to have an extra bedroom. 6) Bonding tool for men. 5) Tossed from an upstairs window, it gets the attention of passing pedestrians. 4) Hey Dave! Steamroll this! 3) At home shopping! 2) Typing these stupid top ten lists. 1) 3 1/2" disks make good drink coasters. Sherri Ribble *** Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled reference to Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP debate; also after joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age): All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no Thomas Jefferson. Subject: joke from Reagan's speech: inhaling From: toma@romulus.cray.com (Thomas Arneberg) Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention: When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the Democrats, ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee: Don't inhale. *** Motto of the Woody Allen School of Interpersonal Relationships: "I don't want to rob the cradle. I just want to sleep in it for a while." (heard from a comedian years and years ago, and adapted to current events) *** Woody Allen's latest movie - "Honey I Screwed the Kids" - Rush Limbaugh *** [Edited] Some slogans I thought up during the Republican National Convention (some of these may be suitable for bumper stickers): "Bar B/Q" (based on a sign at the Convention reading "Vote B/Q") (T-Shirt for disk manufacturers, distributors, etc.) "Media Elite" Top 10 list for favorite RNC speech topics: (would someone please mail me the real Letterman list, if such exists?) 10. Blame Congress. 9. Blame Congress. 8. Blame Congress. 7. Take off gloves. 6. Bash Liberals. 5. Bash Bill Clinton. 4. Bash Hillary Clinton. 3. Bash Murphy Brown [media elite]. 2. Bash everybody else. <-- (or perhaps something about being better off than we were four years ago) 1. Inhale. "George Bush: Lipslick" "`Slick', Mr. Reagan? SLICK is what came out of the Exxon _Valdez_; SLICK is what Saddam Hussein left behind in Kuwait; slick is not Bill Clinton." "I knew [Howdy Doody | Stimpy | Murphy Brown]; [Howdy Doody | Stimpy | Murphy Brown] was a friend of mine; Mr. Vice President, you're no [Howdy Doody | Stimpy | Murphy Brown]!" "Quayle Doesn't Inhale (which explains a lot)" "Inside Mr. Bush is the heart of an 18-year-old fighter pilot... the stomach of an 18-year-old Garth [a la Wayne's World], and the thyroid gland of a 118-year-old Vulcan." Captions underneath a photo of President Bush tossing sushi in the lap of Miyazawa this spring: "A Bucket For Monsieur!", or "The 100-cm hurl", or perhaps "Never before have so few puked so much on so many." (nahh) (an opportunity for Clinton) "If America is better off after four years of George Bush and Dan Quayle, then my hair is naturally dried." William H. Hsu hsu@cs.jhu.edu *** My father made this remark to me last week when I was home: "You have to feel for the NFL for moving the Super Bowl from racist Phoenix Arizona (for not allowing a Martin Luther King Holiday) to non-racist L.A." *** Large letters: I WENT THROUGH HELL! Small letters: Elvis says "Hi!" *** Two elephants - Harry & Faye Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way So they boarded a plane They're now kissing in Maine Cause their trunks got sent to L.A. *** "I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on I-95 I look over to my left and there's this woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I look away for a couple seconds and when I look back she's halfway over in my lane. Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee." *** There was a line in George's speach where he said I raised taxes 1 time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute. I thought he was going to add: And it's the same way on adultery. *** Heard from a New Yorker. We shouldn't be so hard on Woody Allen. Consider the magnitude of his achievement: It's the first time in over 2000 years that a Jew has fucked a Farrow's daughter. [Say it aloud if you don't get it.] *** The end of Pavlov's experiments came when one sunny afternoon, the doorbell rang and the dog ate the Avon lady. *** The other day I was using the ATM machine at my bank, and I noticed that they upgraded the ATM machine to include Braile buttons. I thought, "Gee I'm glad my bank is willing to spend a little extra money to help out people who are blind". Then I realized: This was a drive-thru ATM machine. *** It seems to me that big hurricanes running through Florida may very well be the answer to the Social Security problem. *** Watching the democratic party in a presidential contest is like watching a washing machine with a defective bearing: It starts up smoothly enough, but soon, it begins to wobble and shake, jumping violently from place to place, until it tears itself to pieces, spewing dirty laundry all over the room. *** Heard on Paul Harvey this week: Dolly Parton says she is not offended by "dumb blond" jokes because she knows she is not dumb....and she knows she is not blond. *** BAKER FOR PRESIDENT "Eliminate the middleman" *** Vice Presidential candidate, Gore, addressed the steelworker's national convention in Pittsburgh today (3-Sep-92). He was cheered by the chant: "Four more months!"