Why did the Mafia kill Einstein? He knew too much. = = = = = = = From: sears@hplsbs.hpl.hp.com (Bart Sears) Subject: football (American) existential question Carl Steward, a columnist in the Fremont Argus newspaper, posed this question: If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is reversed by replay review, does the penalty still count? = = = = = = = From: C512052@umcvmb.missouri.edu (David K. Drum) Subject: Another ST:TNG Tasha Yar/Data joke Q: What does Tasha Yar list on her resume? A: Data Entry = = = = = = = From: gregw@bismarck.gatech.edu Subject: Magazine similarities Heard on a local radio morning show: Why is reading a Playboy/Playgirl magazine like reading National Geographic? You get to see a lot of great places you'll never get to visit. = = = = = = = From: bets@matt.ksu.ksu.edu (Beth Schwindt) Subject: Obligatory Amiga Putdown, by a PC user Q: What is a Nintendo if you hook up a keyboard? A: An Amiga. Attitude sold separately. = = = = = = = From: dave@uunet.UUCP (David Rounds) Subject: Green Bay Packers Lose Again Source: Classified (Person to Person) in Chicago Tribune 12/6/91 WILL the lady who left her 11 kids at Lambeau Field please pick them up. They're beating the Packers 21-0. = = = = = = = From: MWOLFE@alhrg.wpafb.af.mil (MICHAEL WOLFE) Subject: Office Automation We are phasing in a "paperless office." We are starting with the restrooms. = = = = = = = From: mavroidi@acf3.nyu.edu (Telly Mavroidis) Subject: new shampoo This came to me last night, I haven't heard it before: Did you hear that Sinead O'Connor is coming out with a new shampoo? It's a roll-on. = = = = = = = From: jlodonne@descartes.waterloo.edu (Jenny O'Donnell) Subject: joke - vasectomy problems I just heard this at lunch today from a co-worker cracking up the table. In his words: "After my vasectomy, my testicles disappeared. The doctor couldn't find them, so he replaced them with small onions. Now I only have two problems, first whenever I see a gorgeous woman my eyes water, and second whenever I see a delicious hamburger I get a massive hard-on." = = = = = = = From: dogwood!francis@gatech.edu (John Stracke) Subject: A revolution in education The other day I saw a headline from a couple of years back: "Bush Wants a 'Revolution' in Schools." So *that's* where the guns are coming from! = = = = = = = From: nelson@cheetah.ece.clarkson.edu (Russ Nelson) Subject: Funny buns I took Brad Templeton out to lunch one day, and afterwards, we stopped by a bakery to bring eleven doughnuts back to the office. The baker offered a free sticky bun to pad our order to an even dozen, and Brad refused the bun. After we left, I asked why. He said that he never selects buns, especially pad buns. = = = = = = = From: ryan@server.cs.jhu.edu Subject: Filk (original): "Moonshine on my shoulders." (To the obvious tune ...) Moonshine ... on my shoulders ... makes me slip'ry ... Moonshine ... in my eyes ... would make me cry ... Moonshine ... mixed with water ... still tastes lovely ... Moonshine ... almost always ... makes me high ... If I had a brew that I could brew for you ... I'd brew a brew ... sure to make you smile ... If I had a still so I could distill for you ... I'd make sure we had moonshine all the while ... = = = = = = = From: msoques@mozart.amd.com (Martin Soques) Subject: ted just doesn't get it As told by Jay Leno: Q: What did Ted Kennedy say when Willy Smith was acquitted? A: PAAARTY! PAAARTY! PAAARTY! ... = = = = = = = From: BRYAN@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu Subject: This week on MTV... [ setup: MTV has a show called Unplugged where popular musicians perform without the benefit of electric instruments. ] Last night we were watching MTV when they ran an ad for an upcoming show called "Paul McCartney Unplugged." My wife looks up at the TV and asks, "wouldn't he die?" = = = = = = = From: trudel@cs.rutgers.edu Subject: Original nerd joke Did you know that Arethra Franklin was one of the first network programmers? Listen closely to the lyrics of "Respect": R-E-S-P-E-C-T Tell you what it means to me R-E-S-P-E-C-T Open up a TCP socket to me socket to me socket to me socket to me... = = = = = = = From: vk@aloft.att.com Subject: Yet Another Corporate Merger One of the more interesting takeovers in the recent past was that of GE taking over the makers of BVD underwears. For diversification purposes, of course. Their new slogan, you ask? "We bring good things to life, in your BVD." = = = = = = = From: jlinder@bonnie.ics.uci.edu (jlinder) Subject: 7-11 Stores Something to ponder: If 7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, then why are there locks on the doors? = = = = = = = From: WILSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz Subject: Getting old (and forgetful) source: My father (a doctor) "If you can remember to say 'Alzheimers' every day, then you havn't got it." = = = = = = = From: WILSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz Subject: Graffiti Seen on a park fence: FIGHT APAth = = = = = = = Organization: Genesis Public Access Minix From: brad%genesis.uucp@gte.com (Brad Ackerman) Seen on the back of a 911 driven by a blonde: _____________________________________ | | | If you can beat me, you can eat me. | |_____________________________________| = = = = = = = From: Adam.Frix@cmhgate.fidonet.org (Adam Frix) Subject: New Christmas dolls "The Kathy Rigby doll--pull HER string, and you'll be sorry." --Gary Burbank, AM 700 WLW radio (Cincinnati) = = = = = = = Organization: The Cellar BBS and public access system From: uunet.uu.net!cellar!watmath!cellar.org!hacksaw@watmath Subject: A sign of the times... As the expected time of birth drew near, the mother-to-be asked her obstetrician, "Will my husband be permitted to stay with me during my delivery?" "Certainly," the doctor answered. "The father should always be present at the moment of birth." "That wouldn't be a good idea," the woman remarked. "He and my husband don't get along." = = = = = = = From: hagerman@rx7.ece.cmu.edu (John Hagerman) Subject: Old Movie Song, New Joke Q: What do you call Willy Wonka's bathroom? A: The candy man can. = = = = = = = From: kilroy@gboro.glassboro.edu (Dr Nancy's Sweetie) Subject: Original Joke There's a new book in the works about Gorbachev and the failed coup last August. It's titled _The Premier Who Came Back From His Cold_. = = = = = = = From: jpc@avdms8.msfc.nasa.gov (J. Porter Clark) Subject: Touchpad spelling I have a friend who is so stupid that he tried to enter the 1-900-SPELLIT contest, but he kept getting the wrong number. = = = = = = = New Element Discovered The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. These 312 particles hard held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discovers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approx three years at which time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganisation in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies hace shown that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganisation. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to condense and concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. Sci Chem, article 91, 1990 = = = = = = = From: olson@husc.harvard.edu Subject: Boris Yeltsin Is it just me, or does Boris Yeltsin look an awful lot like Benny Hill? = = = = = = = From: brian@king.ca41.csd.mot.com (Brian Smithson) Subject: for the one-liner file? In the music department of one of the universities there is a sign over the FAX machine that reads as follows: "If it ain't Baroque don't FAX it." = = = = = = = Organization: MIT Laboratory for Computer Science From: mycroft@hal.gnu.ai.mit.edu (Charles Hannum) Subject: Be careful where you put that 'L'! It's interesting what happens when you ... accidentally add an 'L' at the beginning of various words. You get such things as: luser LUSENET LUSENIX lintegrated circuit LI-B-M LUNIX lusage (If you think of any more, please email them to me.) = = = = = = = From: tage@staff.cs.uit.no (Tage Stabell-Kulo) If God didn't want us to masturbate he would have given us shorter arms. = = = = = = = Subject: Holidays From: KK1143@BROCK1P ( Kevin M. Kress) Q: If mothers have Mother's Day as their holiday and fathers have Father's Day as their holiday, what holiday is for bachelors? A: Palm Sunday. = = = = = = = Subject: Olympia&York [Reichmanns] finanacial troubles From: dalamb@qucis.queensu.ca (David Lamb) Paraphrased from Alan Fotheringham's column in Maclean's last week: Everyone knows the old saw about "If you owe the bank $10 thousand you're in trouble; if you owe the bank $10 million, the bank is in trouble." Well, if you owe the bank $15 billion, the taxpayers are in trouble. = = = = = = = From: smith@ctron.com (Larry Smith) Subject: And the winnah is... This is from WGIR this morning - a unidentified caller mentioned he had taken his own "unofficial" poll this morning by counting those election signs people set up in their yards at primary time. He figures the winner will be "For Sale". = = = = = = = From: J.Cook@ens.prime.com (Jim Cook) Subject: Why Maine Doesn't Have the First Primary in the Nation From a rerun of a Jack Paar show on presidential happenings: Remember what a little old lady from Maine said, "I don't vote - it only encourages them." = = = = = = = From: evan@apollo.hp.com (Evan Morton) Subject: the metric unit of pain What's the metric unit of pain? The Angstrom. = = = = = = = From: ian@gomez.jpl.nasa.gov (H. Ian Novack) Subject: And they said TVs were dangerous... Bruce Sterling, on computers replacing drugs as a medium for altering consciousness and creating artificial realities: "In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late." - LA Times Thursday, 2/20/92 Business section "Innovation" column. = = = = = = = From: clint@matia.stanford.edu (Jennifer Dole) Subject: Definition What's the definition of a "quadro-sexual?" A person who will do anything, anywhere, with anybody, for a quarter. = = = = = = = From: ray@biovision.utoronto.ca (Ray Deonandan) Subject: swimmer If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them have to drown too? = = = = = = = From: charters@quartz.geology.utoronto.ca (Jim Charters) Subject: no arms, no legs joke This joke was told to me by one of our graduate students, Mike Bromley. He plays music from time to time in a pick-up band. Another member of the band, not known to me, told it to Mike.... Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can play 15 different musical instruments? A: Stump the band. = = = = = = = Organization: Western Michigan University From: x91patrick2@gw.wmich.edu Subject: Suggestions for research 1) Who has the better genes, the baby of JESSICA LANGE and MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV (Alexandra) or the baby of AMY IRVING and STEVEN SPIELBERG (Max)? 2) How did cat books get to be such big sellers, when no one anyone knows ever bought one and, presumably, cats are not buying them? = = = = = = = From: ydobyns@phoenix.princeton.edu (York H. Dobyns) Subject: Spotted on an Advertisement/ True Incident (The following is the large-type attention-getting part of a flyer advertising Princeton University's amateur mime group. Reprinted without permission, though I doubt they'd mind the extra circulation.) CALL 900-HOT-MIME for SILENT FANTASIES "Our mime is in the gutter." = = = = = = = From: roller@drutx.att.com Subject: hire the handicapped... I didn't make this up: one of the local TV channels last night used the phrase "running for office" to described the activities of Paul Tsongas and Jerry Brown, and then went on to say that Bob Kerry was "stumping." = = = = = = = From: billmers@aiag.enet.dec.com (Meyer, using EMAIL V4.0 25-Feb-1992 0932) Subject: From the "new Europe" A newspaper story reports the following graffiti on a wall in Budapest: "Marx is dead. Lenin is dead. And I don't feel so good either." = = = = = = = Subject: a matter of attitude From: Thomas_Mathies@GS46.SP.CS.CMU.EDU Robert Frost: The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. = = = = = = = From: td@research.att.com (Tom Duff @ Mama Bell's Komputer Kindergarden) Subject: Risks of Technology: Coca Cola division (original) Modern Coke Machines are microprocessor-controlled, and many even have modems with which they call the distributor when their coin boxes fill or they run out of supplies or they're broken into. These modems are vulnerable to attack by a class of computer hackers known in the industry as ``Soda Crackers.'' = = = = = = = From: gregc@clif.ypsi.mi.us (Greg Cronau) Subject: Virtual Reality. Drug of the future? Overheard on tonight's Dennis Miller show at the beginning of the segment where a rep from Horizon Entertainment comes on to demonstrate their new Virtual Reality game: "So, let me get this straight. Eventually Virtual Reality could get good enough that some guy from New Jersey could come home from work, rent a cartridge for $19.95, and have sex with Elle Macpherson. This could make crack look like Sanka!" = = = = = = = From: yduj@lucid.com (Judy Anderson) Subject: Discovery I was poking around on my filesystem the other day, and discovered a directory named /vaporware. It was emtpy. = = = = = = = Subject: Re: Close call, godly ... Reply-To: lrb@rri.uwo.ca Organization: University of Western Ontario The recent Thoreau 'dying words' reminds me of what I believe were Ogden Nash's as quipped on The_Kid's_In_the_Hall. "Either that wallpaper goes -- or I do!" = = = = = = = Organization: University at Buffalo From: acsossc@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (Samir Chaudhari) Subject: An Abortion Commercial.. Can not remember the source, a real incident... In the NY subway, a commertial for an abortion clinic goes... Pregnant? We can help! .to which someone had scribbled: Not pregnant? I can help!! = = = = = = = From: JWILLIAM@vm1.tucc.trinity.edu Subject: topical, political Heard around the Chicago Board of Trade: New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton: Smell my lips.....No more Bush = = = = = = = From: cazabon@hercules.cs.uregina.ca (Chuck Cazabon) Subject: Gallagher and television I believe the following is from Gallagher... It's too bad that televisions don't have a knob to turn up the INTELLIGENCE of the programs. I tried 'brightness', but it didn't work. From: tjh@agni.std.com (Tim Hall) Subject: Bean towne geography The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. = = = = = = = From: sl@wimsey.bc.ca (Stuart Lynne) Subject: saw on a notice board Notice: Due to budgetary constraints the light at the end of the tunnel is being turned off. = = = = = = = From: flynn@yoda.eecs.wsu.edu (Patrick J. Flynn) Subject: Check please... A new corollary to Murphy's law (experimentally verified this past weekend at the Olive Garden restaurant in Spokane, Washington): Five milliseconds after beginning to chew a mouthful of food, the waiter will arrive and ask if it tastes OK. He will be unable to interpret hasty nods of the head, thumbs-up gestures, or words from your spouse, and will wait, staring at you like a stunned ox, until you have chewed, swallowed, and allayed his fears yourself: "yes." We tipped him anyway. = = = = = = = From: steve%paz.pcc.com@uvm-gen.uvm.edu (Stephen Minnis M.D.) Subject: PMS Question: How do you tell a woman with PMS from a woman without PMS? Answer: Beats the hell out of me! = = = = = = = From: lw24lag@rs1.tcs.tulane.edu (peter lavallee) Subject: Stationery store The other day I went to the stationery store... but it had moved. = = = = = = = From: ROY_WELLS@qm.vitalink.com (ROY WELLS) Subject: The USSR's New Ad Slogan Perhaps to market themselves to the West, the Soviet Republics (and the rest of Eastern Europe) should adopt a catchy slogan, like: "The USSR: We're trading Marx for Dollars" = = = = = = = Organization: Sybase, Inc. From: georg@cobra.sybase.com (Georg Carlson) Subject: New 30c stamp graphic This was seen in the SF Chronicle's Sunday Punch week before last: The post office solicited for graphic ideas for the new 30 cent stamp. One artist suggested the following: A hand holding out a tin cup. = = = = = = = From: jdevans@athena.mit.edu (John D. Evans) Subject: The Zen of Demos. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to demo it, does it make a sound? = = = = = = = From: TLIU@binah.cc.brandeis.edu Subject: a new joke Q: How many college students it takes to change a light bulb? A: I don't know. I left my calculator at home. = = = = = = = From: psavoie@pro-micol.cts.com (Pierre Savoie) Subject: Schizophrenics' Convention Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992? Don't miss it! Anybody who's everybody will be there! = = = = = = = From: jfielek@gauss.ssc.gov (Josh Fielek) Subject: Delta Airlines A modification of the Delta motto we used after a crash a Dallas Fort Worth Internatial Airport where the Delta flight crashed on approach : "Delta - We almost got you there" = = = = = = = From: PJB4288@ritvax.isc.rit.edu (HELLION WHEELS) Subject: A good joke A joke for gamers: How many clerics does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 Cure Light Wounds = = = = = = = From: din@mruxb.cc.bellcore.com Subject: Bilingual(?) Car Dealer's Advertisement in The Sunday Star Ledger: Bilingual - we speak many languages. = = = = = = = From: qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) Subject: More Politically Correct terms More for you Politically Correct types: Homeless? No more. Now it's "Residentially Handicapped." = = = = = = = From: qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) Subject: What does MAC stand for? This is a list compiled by myself, with a little help from some nutty net-ers. MAC = Masquerading As a Computer MAC = Moronic Asinine Crap MAC = My Allowance Consumed MAC = Money Always Counts MAC = Mother's Artificial Charms MAC = Mickey's Alternative Computer MAC = Mindlessness Applauded & Celebrated MAC = Much Advertised Crap MAC = Masochist's Automatic Calculator MAC = Merely A Chimera MAC = Makes All Cynical MACINTOSH = Machine Always Crashes If Not The Operating System Hangs = = = = = = = From: qxn108%uriacc.bitnet@utcs.utoronto.ca (Andy Patrizio) Subject: What does IBM stand for? This is a compilation from many people... IBM - I Blame Microsoft. IBM - I Buy Macintosh IBM - I'll Buy Macintosh IBM - I've Been Mislead IBM - I've Been Moved IBM - I've Been Mugged IBM - Incontinent Bowel Movement IBM - Identical Blue Men IBM - Idiotic Bit Masher IBM - Idiots Become Managers IBM - Idiots Built Me IBM - Ignorant Buttfucking Morons IBM - Incompatible Business Machines IBM - Incredibly Boring Machine IBM - Inferior, But Marketable IBM - Infernal Bloody Monopoly IBM - Institute of Black Magic IBM - Intercourse Beats Masturbation IBM - Internal Beaurocratic Mess IBM - International Brotherhood of Magicians IBM - Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches IBM - It'll Be Messy IBM - It's Backwards, Man IBM - It's Being Mended. IBM - It's Better Manually IBM - Itty Bitty Machines IBM - Itty Bitty Morons IBM compatible - IBM contemptible IBM - Immense Bowel Movement IBM - It Barely Moves IBM - I Buy Mainframes = = = = = = = From: bradley@csrd.uiuc.edu (David K. Bradley) Subject: Mosquito Poem A mosquito was heard to complain That a chemist had poisoned his brain The cause of his sorrow Was para-dichloro- diphenyltrichloroethane From the Seattle Food Garden Newsletter, put out by the Washington State University's Extension Service and King County = = = = = = = From: bigfoot@rata.vuw.ac.nz (Sasquatch) Subject: Blind Joke Heard on a local radio station: How do you tell the blind man in a nudist camp? It's not hard. = = = = = = = From: jti@ai.mit.edu (Jeff Inman) Subject: three boys My grandfather (Bill Marshall) had two brothers, and his father also had two two brothers. The following maxim sprang up somewhere along the way: One boy is worth half a man Two boys are worth half a boy Three boys are no help at all. = = = = = = = From: T.Wade@vms.eurokom.ie (VMS Systems) Subject: The verb "To Conform" The full parsing of the verb "To Conform" is: I conform to You are compatible with He/she/it locks himself into = = = = = = = From: vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay R) Subject: Original one-liner "Uneasy lies the head that has dandruff." = = = = = = = From: ghost@ra.nrl.navy.mil (Glenn Host) Subject: Why does the sun never set on the Brittish Empire? Why does the sun never set on the English Empire? Because even God does not trust the English in the dark. Told to me by an Irishman (naturally) = = = = = = = From: rbe@yrloc.ipsa.reuter.com (Robert Bernecky) Subject: Son of Hacker Joke After seeing the hacker joke today, it seemed to me that a follow-on was required: Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. They use a hammer. = = = = = = = From: mkwan@crypto.cs.adfa.oz.au (Matthew Kwan) Subject: Vegetarians Q. How do you attract a vegetarian? A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable. = = = = = = = From: CARTER%ODIN.decnet@osi.odn.ohio.gov (ODIN::CARTER) Subject: More Cold Sales Call Humor [ From a friend on CIS ] Just two nights ago, I received a call that went like this ... Hello, may I speak to Mr. Ackerman? Speaking Good evening, Mr. Ackerman. My name is [whatever, who really cares what her name is]. I represent [something, something] Siding company. How are you doing this evening, sir? Doing real fine in my rented house. Just what I needed to hear sir. Thank You No problem. You realize, however, that I am lying to you? [silence, and then dial tone] = = = = = = = From: snm@cc.gatech.edu Subject: US vs. Yugoslavian Baksetball team Overheard at a picnic conversation: I don't think it would be too easy for the US team to defeat the Yugoslavians. Moat of their players are Serbs and they are damn good shooters. = = = = = = = From: fortnow@thor.uchicago.edu (Lance Fortnow) Subject: Baseball Statistic According to the Chicago Tribune, the following statistic was given in the press notes for the June 7 Chicago-Oakland game: The Oakland Athletics are 32-0 in games in which they have scored more runs than their opponents. = = = = = = = From: woof@hpfcsdw.fc.hp.com (Steve Wolf) Ross Perot is thinking of re-entering the Presidential race because he doesn't think government is decisive enough. = = = = = = = From: deuelpm@craft.camp.clarkson.edu (Hobbit) I heard on the radio this morning that there was a congressional election in Arizona which ended up in a tie vote. Apparently, in Arizona, it is allowed to settle the tie with a game of chance. The opponents (in "Old West" fashon, the newsreader said) played 5-card stud. The Republican won with a pair of 7's. Points to ponder: o With what we've got to choose from this year, I think a big poker game would be appropriate. . . o Clinton might opt for strip poker, though, so the media will reject this idea. o Since the Republicans (or at least, Bush) is on a big family values kick, should we now legalize gambling??? "*Regret* is a rough sheet to sleep on." -Herman Brooks = = = = = = = From: jmn@crown.berkeley.edu (J. Mark Noworolski) Subject: Marion Barry and drugs Heard on Rush Limbaugh this morning: Marion Barry promised to clean up the city of crack cocaine.... as soon as he has enough money to buy it all. (For those who don't know- Marion Barry just finished serving a sentence for crack cocaine posession. He was the mayor of Washington(?) before the bust, and has recently been re-elected for office). = = = = = = = From: bert@theory.pppl.gov (John Cuthbertson) Subject: French sportsmanship Coubertin International Fair Play Trophy, which is awarded for conspicuous acts of Sportsmanship. The trophy is awarded by the "Comite International pour le Fair Play", so named, according to the committee's general secretary, because... "there is no expression for this concept in French." = = = = = = = From: mjs@hpfcso.fc.hp.com (Marc Sabatella) Did you hear Bill Clinton finally admitted to having an affair with Gennifer Flowers? However, he emphasized, it was only once, and he didn't have an orgasm.