Subject: Life 3.F ---------------------------------------------------- Satan comes down to visit a famous, utterly ruthless Hollywood producer. Satan says, "Look, I have a business proposition for you. I can get you any deal you want, with anybody in the business, on any terms you like." The producer's eyes light up. "Hmm. . . and what do you want from me?" Satan smiles. "Your immortal soul." The producer sits back and ponders, stroking his goatee. "I don't get it. Where's the catch?" ---------------------------------------------------- Question Authority ... and the Authorities will question you. ---------------------------------------------------- A feature is a bug with seniority. ---------------------------------------------------- Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal -- "Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?" "No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'." ---------------------------------------------------- What do you call poisoned coffee? - - - Grounds for divorce. ---------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the guy who died from snorting saccharine? Yeah, he thought it was diet coke. ---------------------------------------------------- Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. ---------------------------------------------------- I had lunch with a friend today who got married a month ago. A friend had given him a copy of an article with some of the history behind the traditions in weddings. For example the "Best Man" comes back from the time when people tended to marry within their village. When there were no young women for a young man, the village would kidnap a female from another village. The "Best Man" was the best swordsman, he was there to make sure the wedding happened. And likewise the honnymoon was a time when the married couple would go hide until the wife's relatives had cooled off. ---------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you starve a Newfie? A. Hide his welfare check under his work boots. ---------------------------------------------------- Minnesota Slogans 1. I came, I thawed, I transferred.... 2. Survive Minnesota and the rest of the World is easy. 3. If you love Minnesota, raise your right ski. 4. Minnesota - where visitors turn blue with envy. 5. Save a Minnesotan - eat a mosquito. 6. One day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 7. Minnesota - home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 8. Minnesota - mosquito supplier to the free world. 9. Minnesota - come fall in love with a loon. 10. Land of many cultures - mostly throat. 11. Where the elite meet sleet. 12. Minnesota: CLOSED FOR GLACIER REPAIRS 13. Land of 2 seasons: Winter is coming, Winter is here. 14. Minnesota - glove it or leave it. 15. Minnesota - have you jump started your kid today? 16. There are only 3 things you can grow in Minnesota: Colder, Older, & Fatter. 17. Many are cold, but few are frozen. 18. Why Minnesota? To protect Ontario from Iowa! 19. WARNING: You are entering Minnesota, Please use an alternate route! 20. Minnesota: theater of sneezes. 21. Jack Frost must like Minnesota - he spends half his life there. 22. Land of 10,000 Petersons. 23. Land of the ski and home of the crazed. 24. Minnesota - home of the Mispi-Mispp-Missispp (Where the damn river starts!) 25. 10,000 lakes and no sharks! 26. In Minnesota ducks don't fly, people do! ---------------------------------------------------- "If you aren't a socialist by the time you're 17, you have no heart. If you are still one at 30, you have no head." ---------------------------------------------------- There are three umpires at a baseball game. One is an engineer, one is a physicist and one is a mathematician. There is a close play at home plate and all three umpires call the man out. The manager runs out of the dugout and asks each umpire why the man was called out. The physicist says "He's out because I calls 'em as I sees 'em" The engineer says "He's out because I calls 'em as they are" And the mathemrtician says "He's out because I called him out" ---------------------------------------------------- Good news : I know a good news/bad news joke. Bad News : I am not going to tell it. ---------------------------------------------------- GURKHAS - THE MARTIAL RACE Now that an accord has been signed between the GNLF of Subhash ( not the go back to India one :-)) Ghising and the Government of India, it might be appropriate to recollect an interesting anecdote regarding these doughty warriors. In World war II, an English reporter who had heard so much about the bravery and elan of the Gurkhas visited a camp just in front of the enemy lines (Germans). During the course of his reporting, he had occasion to observe a mission being conducted. The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind enemy lines to conduct some relatively light action. He watched the commander of the Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch the mission and then ask for volunteers. To his surprise, only about half the Gurkhas volunteered and were sent off. Throughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery, the reporter went back home. After the war, he happened to run into a Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why half the troops had failed to volunteer. It turned out that none of the squad, both those who volunteered and those who did not, were aware that they would get a parachute for the drop. Hence the low turnout. ---------------------------------------------------- I heard an interesting fact on NPR yesterday .... someone from USA Today had researched the Pledge of Allegiance, it turns out that its author was a Socialist (and of course a patriot) and Vice President of the Christian Socialists (around 1890) at the time. This of course leaves us in an interesting situation where George Bush is now promoting a socialist document and Mike Dukakis has vetoed it .... (of course this is not a comment on socialism but just a noting of one of life's delicious ironies) ---------------------------------------------------- A student asked one of his professors to write a recommendation. The prof didn't think much of him, and tried to politely beg off. The student persisted. Finally, the prof wrote the following recommendation: "To the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a felony in my presence." ---------------------------------------------------- The Multinational Employee must have; 1. The precision of an Italian. 2. The generosity of a Dutchman. 3. The humility of a Frenchman. 4. The charm of a German. 5. The linguistic ability of an American. 6. The ready wit of a Scandinavian. 7. The internationalism of an Englishman. 8. The diplomacy of an Israeli. 9. The culture of an Australian. 10. The gaiety of a Swiss. 11. The road manners of a Belgian. 12. The punctuality of a Spaniard. ---------------------------------------------------- I once heard that the great mathematician David Hilbert was invited to give a talk on any subject he liked during the early days of air travel. His subject: The Proof of Fermat's Last Theorem Needless to say, his talk was eagerly anticipated. The day arrived, the talk was given, and it was brilliant -- but it had nothing at all to do with Fermat's Last Theorem. After the talk, someone asked Hilbert why he had picked a title that had nothing to do with the talk. His answer: ``Oh, that title was just in case the plane crashed.'' ---------------------------------------------------- (You read it here first, folks. 10 years from now, when this story resurfaces on board, or appears in a _Bloom County_ episode (as happened with the Falklands penguins and the RAF), you'll be able to say, ``I was near there.'' ) I have to share this with you. I swear to you that this story is true. It was perpetrated by a friend of a friend of a friend, said friend having relayed the story to me via email the other day. SCENE: The San Diego Zoo, way at the back on Hoof and Horn Mesa, where they have all the huge enclosures for things like African Goats. The exact scene, in fact, is the African Goat enclosure, which goes over the top of the canyon and part way down the other side. In fact the goats, at the moment, are all over the top and out of sight. The only four beings in sight are Our Hero, a very cruel man, who is looking absentmindedly at A Rabbit, which is munching unconcernedly toward the front of the enclosure, and A Grandmother, just arriving with her Grandson. The grandmother comes up to the rail and looks into the enclosure, patently ignoring the sign that says "African Goats". Grandmother: "Oh, Jimmy, look at the cute little bunny!" Man: (inspired, sidles up to Grandmother): "Lady, that's no 'cute little bunny'! That thing is the infamous Scottish Killer Rabbit!" Grandmother: "What?" Man: "You bet. It's very rare. There are only three of those things in captivity: this one, the one in St. Louis, and the one in London." Grandmother: (eating it all up ) "You don't say!" Man: (warming to his subject) "Absolutely. Up until about twenty years ago it was supposed to be mythical. People disappeared on the moors all the time, of course, but none were ever captured. They sent expedition after expedition out to catch one, but either no one came back, or one zoologist out of four would return. Those things are deadly!" Grandmother: (looking aghast at the 'cute little bunny') "Oh, DEAR!" Now, the fellow thought maybe he'd taken this as far as it could go. If he spun it out any more, even this innocent little old lady would tumble to the truth. But then something happened which was enough to make one believe that there is indeed a Higher Power which takes a hand in mortal affairs: the herd of African Goats came over the top of the hill. Man: (inspired) "Oh, look! It's feeding time!" The grandmother grabbed her grandson and fled before the carnage could begin. ---------------------------------------------------- [ extracted from NL-KR Digest, (8/19/88 21:23:10), Volume 5 Number 10, distributed in comp.ai.nlang-know-rep: - ray] >From: Clay M Bond Some excerpts from the _Quarterly Review of Doublespeak_ (NCTE) which you all should find amusing: A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential." Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive. A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a "for- merly single man" seeks a single or married woman. After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him. The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product." In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes "semi- antique" rugs. The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- ation. Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- logically experienced citizens." According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." ---------------------------------------------------- Excerpted/reprinted from Robert Thornton's Lexicon of Intentionally Ambiguous Recommendations (seen in Changing Times magazine).... A professor at Lehigh University, Thornton describes his little book (LIAR for short) as a guide to conveying unfavorable information about someone, such as a former employee, without having that person perceive it as such. He offers a collection of phrases and sentences that offer both a negative and positive opinion. They convey a double meaning that should satisfy everyone. According to Thornton, to describe a person who is woefully inept, you could say: "I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever" or "I simply can't say enough good things about him." Other suggested phrases and their other meaning: "I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm. "When this very intelligent young man left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go a long way with his skills." We hoped he'd go as far away as possible. "You won't find many people like her." In fact, most people can't stand being around her. "One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." He's a most unpleasant person. "He will take full advantage of his staff." He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work. "Her input was always critical." She never had a good word to say. ---------------------------------------------------- This is an old one (Originally by Mouseketeer newsletter) Apple Computer, Inc. recently sued the Department of Transportation for stealing the "look and feel" of their graphical user interface in /\ / \ /\\ \ / \o> \ / \_|| \ / / _ \ \ \ / / /\ / \ / / \ / \ / \ / \/ (deer-crossing) and other road signs. The case is settled outside court when the Dept. of Transp. agreed to change all the signs to A> DEER CROSSING ........................... A consumer magazine recently rated the Macintosh family (Plus, SE, but not MacII) UNACCEPTABLE because they are likely to roll over when operated at high speed. The Macintosh has its height dimension longer than its width, and therefore like the Suzuki Samurai, its center of gravity is too high that the user can lose balance either when an accelerator board is installed, or running high-speed software like Turbo Pascal or Lightspeed C. Apple denied all the charges, claiming that the whole thing must be a scheme by IBM or Steve Jobs to undermine the company's business. Apple shows confidence in its product by raising the prices of the Macintosh family by as much as 30%. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Life 6.I ---------------------------------------------------- steven wright: Yesterday I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. You can't tell by looking at it. If I ever have a child i'm going to tell him he's a twin. I'm going to buy one of those twin strollers, too. i'll tell him, "you used to have a brother, but he didn't listen to me." ---------------------------------------------------- There were two kids in the Detroit area who broke into a Mom & Pop store, ate some candy, raided the cash register (chump change), then picked up one of those instant-print cameras and started taking pictures of each other. The prints came out with nothing on them. They used up nearly a whole "roll" but still didn't get any good photos. After filling their pockets with gum, candy, etc., they left the store. Police arrived at their respective front doors soon after the crime, with the fully developed pictures as evidence. ---------------------------------------------------- This Englishman walks in a salon of a small town somewhere in the wild west, and orders a drink. Suddenly, a gangster appears, shooting left & right and screams "all you scum bags, get out of here". The bar becomes empty in a second, save the Englishman, who calmly carries on to finish his drink. The gangster looks in the Englishman's direction; "Well?" He says. "Well", the Briton replies, "There were certainly quite a lot of them". ---------------------------------------------------- A Scotsman and his girlfriend are sitting on a hill, overlooking the moors, watching the sun set; breaking the silence, the girl asks the Scot, "a penny for your thought"? The Scot replies "I was jus' thinking how nice it wou' be if I could kiss yer". Happily, they kiss and again start gazing towards the sunset. Again, after a while, the girl breaks the silence and asks, "again, a penny for your thought"? The Scot replies, "I was jus' thinking, t'was time yer gave me the penny". ---------------------------------------------------- There was an ancient cult in India that worshiped the goddess Kali. They were a peaceful sort so they would gather each morning and sacrifice a watermelon by smashing it in front of the giant statue of the goddess. And of course they would all sing "Here's another melon Kali baby...." ---------------------------------------------------- /---\ ==O=O==// " Hitler was lucky he didn't meet the Ninja ( _____ ) Turtles... Germany would have been heavily \_____/ shelled. " ---------------------------------------------------- " A zoologist, while on expedition through the Black Forest of Germany, discovered a new species of turtle there. To his surprise, this turtle could even speak, but only in German, and its vocabulary was limited to 2 words. Each time the zoologist asked it a question, it would reply 'Ja' (German for 'Yes') or 'Nein' (German for 'No'). So the zoologist called it the 'Nein-Ja' turtle. " ---------------------------------------------------- Overheard two little boys talking: " My father's really proud of his priceless Raphael, Michaelangelo and Donatello collection... he paid millions of dollars for them. " " He's been had! I only paid less than $50 for my Ninja Turtles collection. " ---------------------------------------------------- A couple leaving the theatre. Lady: How did you like it dear? Man: It was a lot more entertaining than that Star Trek movie you took me to last year, It had a begining, a middle and an end. ---------------------------------------------------- A jew was just allowed to emigrate from the USSR and a newspaper reporter in NY was interviewing him: "What did you think of the food distribution in Russia?" "Oh, I couldn't complain." "What did you think of the govenment?" "Oh, I couldn't complain." "What did you think of the way they treated Jews?" "Oh, I couldn't complain." "If you had nothing to complain about in Russia, why did you emigrate?" "Here I *can* complain!" ---------------------------------------------------- Two orthodox jews walked past a catholic church, and they decide to peek in. Inside they see a row of women up in front taking the oaths to become nuns. One says, "Those women are becoming the brides of christ." The other replies, "Let's go in and have a look." They sneak inside quietly and plop down in a back pew, but with their earlocks, beards, and black suits they don't escape the eye of one of the ushers who comes back towards them in a huff. "What are you two doing in here????" "We're from the groom's side." ---------------------------------------------------- An answering machine was with a "Joe Friday" immitation: "This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you. ---------------------------------------------------- A door to door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in outback Australia. "This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor. The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says "If this machine doesn't remove it completely I'll lick it off myself" "Do you want Ketchup on it?" she says, "only we're not connected for electricity yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ---------------------------------------------------- How many real Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb: answer #1: none, real klingons see by phaser light. answer #3: none, real Klingons declare war on the humans and get them to do it. answer #4: unknown: real Klingons can't count (there's a hidden joke here) ---------------------------------------------------- In a Safeway in the aisle where they keep the toys there was a Freddie Krueger night-lights for sale. Goodnight, and sweet dreams! ---------------------------------------------------- The list of lawyer jokes cannot be sent due to a court order given at the request of some lawyers. That order has been appealed by some other lawyers. Pending the appeal (and possible further appeals up to the supreme court), the list will be unavailable to the general public. If you are unhappy with this situation, see your lawyer, who will be happy to handle it for you for a suitable fee. ---------------------------------------------------- How do you get out of a log cabin with no doors or windows? Only a mirror and a table are inside with you. Answer: You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and cut the table in half. Take the two halves and make a whole. Climb out the hole. ---------------------------------------------------- LION FOOD (lie'@n food) [IBM] n. Middle management or HQ staff (by extension, administrative drones in general). From an old joke about two lions who, escaping from the zoo, split up to increase their chances but agreed to meet after two months. When they do meet, one is skinny and the other overweight. The thin one says "How did you manage? I ate a human just once and they turned out a small army to chase me -- guns, nets, it was terrible. Since then I've been reduced to eating mice, insects, even grass." The fat one replies "Well, *I* hid near an IBM office and ate a manager a day. And nobody even noticed!" ---------------------------------------------------- Q: What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate? A: I'll have the burger and fries, please. ---------------------------------------------------- At a university, the agriculture department decided to ask some other departments for help in increasing the milk output of their cows. So they brought in a chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician. The chemist analyzed the cow's diet and its milk. He came up with a special diet that increased the milk output by 10%. The physicist performed his own experiments. He put the cow on an inclined plane, aligned its head with the earth's magnetic field, and fed it radioactive isotopes. The milk output increased 15%. The mathematician look at the cow for a minute, and then started scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. Ten minutes later he announced that he had come up with a way to increase the cow's milk output by 300%. The agriculture people were incredulous. They couldn't imagine how to produce four times the milk of an ordinary cow. The mathematician handed them the paper. The top line said, "Consider a spherical cow." ---------------------------------------------------- Proof that Horses have an infinite number of legs: (1) Horses have an even number of legs. (2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. (3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of legs for a horse. (4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. (5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. ---------------------------------------------------- This acctually happened about 15 years ago, when -- as a young lecturer -- I was asked to give a course on Foundations of Analysis. I was sure at the time that the students already know the subject matter and they will be wasting their time listening to me. I was quite surprized, when I entered the classroom for the first lecture, to find a room packed with students. I was going to suggest that those who know the subject matter leave the course, so as not to waste time and energy. I therefore asked the following question: "Has any one of you, by chance, read the book of Landau: Foundations of Analysis?" The class suddenly became very quiet, until a student from the last row said: "I did not read the book, but I saw the movie." Weeks later we were laughing, trying to imagin to ourselves how a movie on Foundation of Analysis could look like. ---------------------------------------------------- In the computer industry, there are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and benchmarks. ---------------------------------------------------- Q: How can you recognize a DEC field circus engineer with a flat tire? A: He's swapping tires to see which one is flat. Q: How can you recognize a DEC field circus engineer who is out of gas? A: He's swapping tires to see which one is flat. ---------------------------------------------------- Yeah, I heard that the Cray 5 was so fast, it takes TWO halt instructions to terminate a program! ---------------------------------------------------- From: mcolan@ldbvax.dnet.lotus.com (mark colan, apd, x7562) Subject: (Forwarded) Bite The Wax Tadpole (From Matthew Christian, Lotus) The phrase "bite the wax tadpole" has been surfacing in conversations lately so I decided to play junior detective and find its origin. I had a dim memory that the words "CocaCola", when spoken in some Asian tongue, meant the phrase in question. Fortunately CocaCola has a consumer hotline at (800) 438-2653. I spoke with Phillipe Jefferson who gave me the official word on MagicCans (only 200,000 were distributed, but many are still out there) and wax tadpoles (it's true). The language is Chinese. The phoenems have multiple meanings which are determined by context. Out of context they can be construed many amusing ways. Coke's official translation of "CocaCola" is "To allow the mouth to be able to rejoyce". They really got lucky with that one. Other possibilities are "female horse fattened with wax" and "bite the wax tadpole". These cross-cultural distortions were first recognised in the 1920s when Coke began crossing the borders. The truth is out. We can all sleep soundly knowing that even though we "can't beat the real thing", we can at least "bite the wax tadpole". ---------------------------------------------------- The actual origins of the Annual Adolph Eichmann's Evil Cake Contest are probably better off lost in the hall-closet of history, but the legend remains. The contest was born out of a student paper on Hannah Arendt which was submitted as an assignment in The Schoolhouse (a writing program). The only extant fragment of that immortal paper is part of its final sentence: "...but the icing on Adolph Eichmann's evil cake was..." which spawned a tradition of writing unknown to man before its time, and which has been reverently memorialized by an annual event. Excerpts from this year's contest entries rate no more introduction: "In short, Socrates seems to be the philosophical napkin with which the ensuing cultural thinkers of history wipe their mouths of pedantic ooze." "The Syracusans defeated the Athenians on their own turf, the sea." "Like raisins in a bread pudding, the moments lie within the body of Henry." "As a domestic animal, Othello is a child." "Morality is ubiquitous in everything that is good or bad." "Why should someone be penalized because he has studied diligently and deciduously in high school." "`Tyranny of the majority' as a dangerous and omnipotent force is still a dangerous issue - we see it manifest itself in our culture in such things as florescent biker shorts and Motley Crue." "In the upcoming times of cutbacks, the defense industry can turn to making stimulation devices." "Today, the world is teetering on the brink of nuclear Agamemnon." "But when the chips are down, women hold the reins." ---------------------------------------------------- BUSH: Watch my nose: no new taxes. QUAYLE: Er ... Mr President ... That's meant to be "Watch my lips". BUSH: No, Dan. If they watch my lips, they'll see that I'm lying through my teeth. Watch my nose, no new taxes. QUAYLE: Er ... Mr President ... Your nose ... It's getting longer! ---------------------------------------------------- Original collator is Bob Dowling, RJD4@UK.AC.CAMBRIDGE.PHOENIX: An introduction to the summation convention: "If you've got a problem with this then go back, write the whole thing out using sigma notation and convince yourself that it's better not to have problems." And from the University of Bath... "A one by one matrix has one column and one row, and the same number in both. " Meanwhile, back in Cambridge... "This is known as the 'Toytown solution'. Actually, there is a more technical term for it ..." >From substitute lecturer, replacing the scheduled appearance by Dr. X: "Good morning. For those of you who don't know me, I am not Dr. X; I am Dr. X's representative on Earth." "The object of this lecture is to frighten half of you away." "I wrote my first program in 1954, and that didn't work either." "This is obvious. But don't look at it too carefully, or it becomes unobvious, until you look at it for a long time when it becomes obvious again." "I need two hands to wave, not just one." A good enough philosophy of life: "Theoretical physicists tend to assume that Nature isn't as malevolent as our pure mathematical examiners." "Different may mean the same." Picture this... "A sphere isn't that simple when you get into higher dimensions - it's a bit non-flat." "Various people with suicidal tendencies can even integrate elliptic functions" Said of Algebra III: "This course could be viewed as 1001 things to do with your favourite matrix" And if that wasn't confusing enough... "I thought I understood Newton's Third Law before that lecture." Letter from an editor: "I very much regret to inform you that the review procedure of your paper 'Approximation of Delay systems by Fourier-Laguerre series', is incurring a delay..."