Subject: Life 3.P The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong. The Programmers' Cheer -- Shift to the left, shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so. There are lies, damned lies, and statistics. -Mark Twain There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats. There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal friend. There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. -- Richard Davisson There are no straight lines in space. -A. Einstein There are no straight lines in space. -W. Allen There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. -- Disraeli There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering. There are three ways to get something done: (1) Do it yourself. (2) Hire someone to do it for you. (3) Forbid your kids to do it. There are two ways of teaching people: You can teach them how to think, or you can teach them what to think. Socrates taught people how to think, Jesus taught people what to think.... The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Bernard Shaw The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April. There is a saying among trial lawyers: "Never ask a question unless you are already SURE of the answer." For Dungeon Masters/Game Masters that should be Never roll the dice unless you're sure the outcome is acceptable." For computer scientists, it reads: "Unless you know what to do with a error condition, never test for it." - Eric Holtman, info-unix mail There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark Twain There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit. - Anonymous There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. There is no right way to do something wrong. There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action. -Goethe There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished in his heart that the son ould be wise and compassionate. One day he said to the prince: "If you promised that you would give a certain women anything, even half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, what would your decision be, my son?" The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom that I had promised." The king knew that his son would be a great king. There once was an old man from Esser, Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. It at last grew so small, He knew nothing at all, And now he's a College Professor. There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence. There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Dr. Who There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. -- Will Rodgers The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep. - Frost, "The Road not Taken" The words of the prophets were written on the subway walls -- Simon & Garfunkel The words of the profits were written on the studio walls -- Rush The world is coming to an end. Please log off. The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like. -- Avon They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! Things are so bad now that the Poles are telling economist jokes. Things will be bright this evening. A cop will shine a light in your face. Think "honk if you're a telepath." Think twice before speaking. But don't say "think think click click". This guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for joy. But Joy sidestepped, and they missed. This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough hunchbacks This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? This is the LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go. This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. -- Dorothy Parker Time was invented so that you don't have to do everything all at once. Space was invented so you don't have to do everything all in the same place. To be great is to be misunderstood. --- Emerson Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a boarder. To err is human; to debug, divine. To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. --- L. Peter Deutsch To generalize is to be an idiot. -- William Blake To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent. To never see a fool, you lock yourself in an empty room and break all the mirrors. Too clever is dumb. -- Ogden Nash To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd Wright Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. -- Walt Kelly Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and must pay three silver pieces." Two penguins walk into a bar, which is really stupid, 'cause the second one should have seen it. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense - E.E. Cummings Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. -- H. L. Mencken I know I'm no special, but any part of town, someone could smile at me then ... shake my hand then ... gun me down. -- Joe Jackson - Night and Day Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. -- Doug Larson Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed. Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Veni, Vidi, Visa. Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard. "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. Vote anarchist Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. George Orwell, _1984_ Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up. -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy Wasting time is an important part of living. We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. -- Niels Bohr We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? -- Fidel Castro We are upping our standards ... so up yours. -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. - Edsger Dijkstra We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. -- James E. Day, Postmaster General We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have. We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, but others judge us by what we have already done. --- Longfellow Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. -- Core Dumped Blues Well now that we have seen each other," said the Unicorn, "if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you. Is that a bargain?" --Lewis Carroll We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement. We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library. Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. -- Andy Rooney What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches! -- Mom What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance? What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry Ford? Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with. What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? -- The Doctor What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" "Whatever you do, don't cross the streams." "Why?" "It would be bad." "Wait a minute, I'm a little fuzzy on this whole good/bad issue." "Imagine life as you know it ending and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." "Okay" "That's bad." "Thanks, Egon. Important safety tip." --- Ghost Busters When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the money is. -- Robespierre When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money. -- Kim Hubbard When all other means of communication fail, try words. When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- A. Lincoln Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --Oscar Wilde Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen. -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) When in doubt, tell the truth. -- Mark Twain When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. -- Mark Twain When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind it less and less." -- Louise Andrews Kent When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. -- Daniel B. Luten When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical -- Jon Carroll When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics. -- Voltaire When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as bodies of a lower grade ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly. -- Donald Douglas When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -- Thomas Paine When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. When you have spoken the word, it reigns over you. When it is unspoken, you reign over it. When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't know the answer either. -- Edgar R. Fiedler When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -- The Wall Street Journal When you reach what you have been striving for, you may find that having is not such a great thing as wanting. Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth Galbraith Where ignorance is bliss, tis folly to be wise. Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does. Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love you knowing nothing? -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's. --- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681. Why was I born with such contemporaries? -- Oscar Wilde Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods. Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try to be a fraud and a half. -- Otto von Bismark With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -Dumas Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?" "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat -- Lewis Carrol "Wrong," said Renner. "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" Xerox does it again and again and again and ... Xerox never comes up with anything original. Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. You are putting out fire with gasoline. "You are old, Father William," the young man said, "All your papers these days look the same; Those William's would be better unread -- Do these facts never fill you with shame?" "In my youth," Father William replied to his son, "I wrote wonderful papers galore; But the great reputation I found that I'd won, Made it pointless to think any more." "You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, And there isn't one language you like; Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- Have you thought about taking a hike?" "Since I never write programs," his father replied, "Every language looks equally bad; Yet the people keep paying to read all my books And don't realize that they've been had." "You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, And make errors few people could bear; You complain about everyone's English but yours -- Do you really think this is quite fair?" "I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, "But my stature these days is so great That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, And to stop me it's now far too late." "You are old, father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- Do you think, at your age, it is right?" "In my youth," father William replied to his son, "I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again." -- Lewis Carrol "You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak For anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- Pray, how did you manage to do it?" "In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, Has lasted the rest of my life." -- Lewis Carrol "You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose That your eye was as steady as ever; Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- What made you so awfully clever?" "I have answered three questions, and that is enough," Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" -- Lewis Carrol You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. "You boys lookin' for trouble?" "Sure. Whaddya got?" -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. -- Booker T. Washington You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. -- Lauren Bacall You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't. -- Dagwood Bumstead You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance. You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. -- Groucho Marx You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him. -- Ed Howe You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach. You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. -- Olin Miller. Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead. You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about 10^12 to 1. -- Ernest Rutherford You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. -- Henrick Ibson You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman. You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to worry. YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!" From: Cate3.OSBU_North@XEROX.COM Subject: Life 6.P ---------------------------------------------------- Steven Wright: On Ballerinas - "Why are they always on their tip-toes? ... why don't they just get taller women?" "I was staying in an old hotel ... ... they sent me a wake-up letter." Whatever temperature a room is, it's always room temperature ... On the other hand, you have different fingers. "I have all the erasers to all the miniature golf pencils in the world." ---------------------------------------------------- My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women--Woody Allen Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women?--Virginia Woolf ---------------------------------------------------- the idea that limbless animals use less energy than do legged animals. Biologist Bruce Jayne and crew monitored snakes' movements slithering on treadmills while wearing tiny oxygen masks. ---------------------------------------------------- The optimist sees a glass that's half full. The pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be! ---------------------------------------------------- The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times. As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an alleged speed trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes. Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years. A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO. I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO statutes. ---------------------------------------------------- THE TRUTH ACCORDING TO MARX --------------------------- 1) When a person's nose itches, it's a sign that it should be scratched. 2) A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. 3) Thirteen at a table is unlucky when the hostess has only 12 chops. 4) Singing before breakfast is a forewarning of a fight with a neighbor-- if the neighbor is trying to sleep late. 5) Throwing salt over the shoulder is likely to give the impression that the mas who throws the salt has dandruff. 6) Finding a four-leaf clover is a sign that you have been down on your hands and knees. 7) To get out of bed on the wrong side probably means that you have had too much the night before. 8) To carry a rabbit's foot is a sign that you are a good shot with a gun--or have a friend who is. 9) When three men get a light off one match it is indicative of the fact that they have only one match or are Scotsmen. ---------------------------------------------------- More Groucho Marx: "Even though I try never to forget a face... I'm willing to make an exception in your case." You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. --Groucho Marx' last words I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops. ---------------------------------------------------- On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey just laid off 3 judges. ---------------------------------------------------- J. Patterson of Ottawa has just been sentenced to 6 years in prison for holding up a trust company. Mr Patterson was captured after a high speed chase which ended when the car in which he was riding collided with a grave stone in a cemetary. Police found Mr Patterson and the loot in the trunk of the car. Mr Patterson stole $6000 from the trust company. The police confiscated the gun he used in the robbery. They discovered that it was an antique Colt 45. It is to be auctioned with a reserve bid of $100,000. ---------------------------------------------------- A drunk approached a gas bar late at night and told the attendants he was robbing them. When they refused to give him anything, he threatened to call the police. When they still refused, he called the police. When the police arrived, the drunk was promptly arrested. ---------------------------------------------------- As recently reported on CNN: Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i.e. expected to attend). The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S.P.O.C" (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward. The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? - "I fought the law, and the law won". ---------------------------------------------------- Seen in a tabloid-style advertisment for a kind of surplus store in a piece where they are making fun of Pentagon $43,762.95 coffee cups: "We will not be oversold! Our guarantee: If you find the same item for a higher price within 30 days of purchase, we will cheerfully bill you for the difference plus 10%" ---------------------------------------------------- It has been proven that olives are a major killer of humans. Statistics have shown that 100% of humans that ate an olive in the year 1375 are dead. ---------------------------------------------------- I can't remember where I read this several years ago but it was alleged to have really happened. Back when Hubert Humphrey was active in politics he and his campaign manager took a few days for a fishing trip in Northern Minnesota. While they were in a small town a bus-load of tourists pulled in. The manager suggested that this was a good opportunity to impress a few voters and that he should go on the bus and "pump them up" a bit, then Humphfrey could go shake everybody's hand. This sounded good so the manager got on the bus. However instead of introducing his candidate he pretended to be the mayor welcoming everybody to town. Then looking towards Humphrey he said, "I guess I should mention that we have a guy here who thinks he's Hubert Humphrey, and he does look and talk a an awful lot like Hubert Humphrey. But he's a harmless fellow and we kind of like him, so we'd appreciate it if you would just kind of be nice to him." After Humphrey shook their hands he commented on how strangely they acted. ---------------------------------------------------- Communism is the only moral form for society, what will it take to put people in a position to see that? (wrote one poster) - Gunpoint ---------------------------------------------------- Helpful error messages: Someone in a compiler writing class produced a compiler with one error message "you lied to me when you told me this was a program" ----------------------- Man the Lifeboats! Women and children first! .... Management was not amused when the first customer called in for support with this message. :-) ----------------------- If things go amiss in Interactive Data Language, as they frequently do, you get : Something Rotten in Denmark, Interp Stack Not ALigned just before the core dumps. ---------------------------------------------------- Our lab's run by three of us (a guy is the 'manager' over all, a girl is the 'operator' [read: Vax runner], and I run the Suns), and we tend to pull practical jokes on each other every once in a while. The manager came up with a real beauty last week. In the SHUTDOWN.COM procedures, he added a few lines to make it look like this: blahblah perform automatic reboot? blah blah... (right after the last 'normal' question) Will I dream? [yes] (she types yes) Great! Lord knows I love a good dream. backup.. (audit messages about images coming up) Press [RETURN]: Let me fill you in on my dream! It was horrible!! I dreamt I was totally out-dated and I ran 4.3! And every night, after you all left, the Suns tormented me through the window! They're real bitches, those Suns! One even threw a Mip at me! I was so SCARED...God I'm glad you're back! Welcome to VAX/VMS 5.3-1. ---------------------------------------------------- Instrument Flying for Animal Lovers: Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively. Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly will known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done: 1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. it can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. 2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground. There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator. 1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention. 2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin. 3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable. 4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better in IFR conditions than you are. 5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to realize that they are on the guages and go flogging off in the nearest hill. Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to follow in an airplane. 6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies. 7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you. ---------------------------------------------------- GSP Digest #279 September 16, 1990 AND HOLD THE ANCHOVIES ON ALL 312 Inmates at a prison in New South Wales, Australia, took advantage of a wardens' strike to break into an office and telephone an order for 18 tons of concrete to be delivered as a prank. While they were at it, they called out for 312 pizzas. (The concrete was sent back, but the prison had to pay for the pizzas.) THE CONTINUING CRISIS An annual festival at California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo was called off in April after revelers got out of hand. At one point, police officers (who eventually arrested 100) quelled the partyers by shouting over bullhorns, "Assault on police officers will not look good on your resumes!" NON-STOP GRIDLOCK Greg Weiler resigned in April after five years on a citizens advisory committee to the Orange County Transportation Commission studying traffic problems, saying he was constantly unable to get to meetings on time because of freeway gridlock. Carl Williams, 22, was indicted in Cleveland in December for having made 32 phone calls to 911 because he was bored and needed conversation. His mother had had their telephone service fixed so Carl could no longer dial 900 numbers for conversation because he had been running up huge bills. Ralph Armstrong, a retired firefighter in Santa Rosa, complaining a construction company had reneged on its promise to build a noise shield between its site and his home, erected his own shield in January - a solid wall made of horse manure. September 23, 1990 Secretary of State James Baker, on the July accord between Helmut Kohl and Mikhail Gorbachev that would allow a united Germany to choose whether or not to join NATO: "This is a delightful surprise to the extent that it is a surprise, and it is only a surprise to the extent that we anticipated." NASA spokesman Bob McMillan, commenting on the photographic success of the Galileo spacecraft in February: "No problems. Everything has gone tickety-boo." The sister of the Japanese soldier who resurfaced last year in Malaysia, where he had been hiding since World War II: "I did not hear from him for nearly 50 years, so of course I was worried." Hernando, Fla., Circuit Judge Richard Tombrink, barring reporters and the public from a January meeting with three county administrators on recent jail escapes: "If you want a free and open discussion, you can't allow the public or the press in." ---------------------------------------------------- from the now defunct Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard: A Few Lesser Known Famous Quotes: "Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school." Bruce Sprinsteen "Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth a new application." from The Gettysbug Address "If we can't fix it, it isn't broken." Lab manager I think therefore I create bugs." Descartes "Debug is human, de-fix divine." "There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him." P. T. Bugem Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug." "One small bug for man, one great program for mankind." N. Armstrong "The bug is mightier than the fix." Cyrano deBuggerac "Man does not live by bug fixes alone." The Super-User "For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered." "I have just begun to debug."