From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com Subject: Life 4.2 ---------------------------------------------------- Steve Wright: I saw a sign "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank." I filled out an apllication that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do? Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there...Confuse the hunters. I realized that sponges grow in the ocean. If they didn't, would the ocean be deeper? I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds. When buying clothes, I wear an extra medium. I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time. When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in one side, and then walk around like this (frantically looking around while pretending to push stroller)..."You had a brother, but he was bad." I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." ---------------------------------------------------- Boy's Life, May 1973: Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight? Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right. Ralph: Well, you could try. Lionel: What's the difference between a teacher and an engineer? Tyronne: A teacher trains minds; an engineer minds trains. Door-to-door Salesman: Is your mother home? Little boy: She sure is, or I wouldn't be painting these flowers boxes. A hunter hired a Maine guide to lead him though the wilderness. By the end of the third day, the hunter discovered that they were walking in circles. "We're lost," complained the hunter. "I thought you were the best guide in Maine." "I am," replied the guide, "but we're in New Hampshire now.' Whittaker: When shouldn't a mountain climber call for help? Edmond: When he's hanging by his teeth. Dan: Mom, I's sick. Mom: When does it hurt? Dan: Doing the dishes. What's the new halfback's name?" asked the coach of the trainer. "Ossowinsinsiski," the trainer answered. "Good," said the coach with satisfaction. "Put him on the first team. Boy, will I get even with those wise newspaper reporters!" ---------------------------------------------------- Boy's Life July 1973 There was a young lady from Kent Whose nose was most terribly bent One day she chose To follow her nose And nobody knows where she went! Tom: What has two humps and is found in Alaska? Jerry: A lost camel. Bystander: Have an accident? Victim: No, thanks, I just had one. Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter? Nurse: No change yet. Wheather: What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Ornort: Hailing taxies. ---------------------------------------------------- ...and never eat your turkey w/o dressing... cuz if you do, you might catch a chill... ---------------------------------------------------- Yugo...the world's first disposable car ---------------------------------------------------- Here are some definitions I thought were appropriate to the way we do things around here! Industry Leader: A company with any or all of the following characteristics: (1) Profitability, (2) the most pages of advertising in the trade press in a given year, or (3) has filed the most patent infringement suits against competitors Team Effort: A project that no one person understands well enough to claim credit for. Ballpark Figure: Estimated number pertaining to a company's performance, so called because it comes from out of left field. Taken from "The Devil's Dictionary" Computer Systems News 11/14/88 ---------------------------------------------------- This week is a perfect opportunity to find out the true age of those individuals who are always evasive on the point. Just ask them what they were doing when they heard about president Kennedy's assassination! They will be telling you long before they realise that you can add 25 to what you can easily surmise to be their age at the time of the said activity. ---------------------------------------------------- You know the difference between the American and the Canadian Senate? In the US, you have to win an election to get in. In Canada, you have to lose one. ---------------------------------------------------- Friend of mine, Hilary, was bothered by a group called the Children of God. "Did you know that God gave up his only Son, FOR YOU?" they'd ask, and they had leaflets made up with plenty of Did you know...FOR YOU? Hilary was tired of the assault and prepared a counterattack. She made up her own leaflets describing her group, the Children of Odin. Did you know that Odin gave up his Right Eye...FOR YOU? and on and on... They left her alone after that too. ---------------------------------------------------- Wet Blankets through History To help develop an open-minded and defiant attitude to others' rejection of your ideas, remember that many creative contributions are initially met with skepticism, if not outright hostility. Keep a list of creative contributions that we now know to be significant but that were once thought to be crazy, stupid, useless, offensive and doomed to failure. The next time you or someone you know has a new idea, creation or innovation, remember this list. Remind yourself that it is far better to give an idea a chance - or at least to not immediately shoot it down - than to be one of those who always say "Won't work" or "Bad idea" or "Too risky" and, hence, never do anything great. Here are some examples: This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp. "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "Im just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads. "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer. "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work. "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." Response to Arthur Jones, wo solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "I think there's a world market for about five computers." Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM. "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project. "This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television. "Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. ---------------------------------------------------- A rabbi is trying to explain Judaism to a Nazi. Rabbi: "I will explain Judaism to you after first asking three questions. Number one: Two men fall down a chimney but only one gets dirty. Who will wash?" Nazi: "The dirty one of course." Rabbi: "No, the dirty one will look at the clean one and think `Gee, we were lucky, neither of us got dirty' while the clean one will look at the dirty one and think `Oh dear, we got dirty. I'd better wash.'" Nazi: "Very clever Jew. Ask me another question." Rabbi: "All right. Number two: Two men fall down a chimney but only one gets dirty. Who will wash?" Nazi: "Well...the clean one then." Rabbi: "No, the clean one will look at himself and think `My I was lucky. I fell down a chimney and didn't get dirty' while the dirty man will look at himself and think `Oh dear. What a mess I am. I must wash myself'". Nazi: "Very, very clever Jew. Ask me the third question." Rabbi: "All right. Number three: Two men fall down a chimney but only one gets dirty. Who will wash?" Nazi: "But that is the same question as the first two!!" Rabbi: "Kindly answer the question." Nazi: "The clean one." Rabbi: "No." Nazi: "The dirty one then." Rabbi: "No." Nazi: "All right, I give up." Rabbi: "The answer is that the question is ridiculous. How could two men fall down a chimney and one get dirty but the other not? Anyone who cannot fathom this simple truth cannot understand the sublime truths of the Talmud." ---------------------------------------------------- A great Soviet general was once asked by his adjutant, "Comrade General, what is the meaning of Marxist dialectic?" The general replied, "I will explain it to you with an example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?" "Of course," replied the adjutant. "No, you're wrong," said the general. "A filthy man is filthy by his nature, and will not go in to the bath house. Only clean men, knowing the virtues of cleanliness, will bathe." "I understand, comrade general." "Now, let me give you another example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?" "Absolutely not," replied the adjutant immediately. "You're wrong again," said the general. "Why should a filthy man not enter a bath house? He is dirty, the bath house is there to enable him to become clean, and he will use it." "I think I understand, comrade." "Now, one last example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?" "How the hell should I know?" "Now, comrade, you truly understand the meaning of Marxist dialectic." ---------------------------------------------------- Terrible Truths (And Other Principles Of Disaster) Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks. Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think. Murphy's Third Law: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch. Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person. Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit. Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. Johnny Carson's Definition: The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. Zall's Laws: (1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. (2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster. Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing. Knebel's Law: It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box. William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. ---------------------------------------------------- I saw a magazine blurb the other day that says that some Japanese company - Sharp, I think it was - is already selling in Japan, and is about to begin sellling in the U.S., an audio cassette recorder which, when you push the start-record button, begins recording as of 15 seconds before you push the button. That's right - 15 seconds *before* you push the button. It's got a built-in 15-second-long digital delay line on the audio input, so that whenever it's recording it's recording what happened 15 seconds ago. Cute, huh? Works nicely for capturing something that somebody just said a few moments ago, either because you missed it the first time, or you want to hear it again, or you want to blackmail the speaker, or whatever. The neatest thing about this, it seems to me, is imagining the thing taken to its logical extremes. For example, imagine what happens when shift-register memory gets cheap enough that you can easily afford a 15-year-long audio/video delay line packaged into your cigarette-pack-size, 360-degree-solid-angle cam-corder. Fun, huh? I'm reminded of a sci-fi story I read some years ago, can't remember who wrote it, wherein a guy has invented a time-scope, a machine that lets him snoop on the past. The whole point of the story turns out to be that by far the most significant consequence effect of such a machine is that it lets you snoop on the arbitrarily-recent past, which is effectively the present. In other words, his machine for seeing the past turns out to be effectively, and much more significantly, a machine for snooping on anyone and anywhere in the present. (Not that this is by any means quite the same thing as the delay-line recorder mentioned above, just enough similarities to be interesting.) (Big Brother is Watchman-ing You!) ---------------------------------------------------------------- From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com Subject: Life 7.2 Selections from Dani Zweig's collection ---------------------------------------------------- "What is it, Lassie? A boy fell down a mine shaft and broke his ankle and is diabetic and needs insulin? Is THAT what you're trying to tell me?" ---------------------------------------------------- "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." - Orson Welles ---------------------------------------------------- "Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do." - Bertrand Russell ---------------------------------------------------------------- In Hiroshima as well as in Nagasaki, the proportion of genetical mutations is the same as in any town in the rest of the world... ---------------------------------------------------- Who is John Galt? John Galt is Prometheus who changed his mind. He withdrew his fire -- until men withdraw their vultures. -Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged ---------------------------------------------------- "One night the USA tilted, and everything that was loose ended up in California." ---------------------------------------------------- Try bleeding underwater, about 30-40 feet down the water has absorbed the frequencies of sunlight required for reds, we bleed green. Freaks out novice divers who cut themselves. Look for this easy to spot flaw in many movies and tv shows. (I recall a number of Bond films where people bled red profusly at great depths where almost all colours have been absorbed by the water above them) ---------------------------------------------------- At the present rate of expansion, by the end of the century, the end of a shelf of Unix manuals will be moving at lightspeed. ..But that's okay, because they aren't carrying any information. ---------------------------------------------------- What would really be helpful: Subject: Re: Worst title >caught my eye. It's title was LIFE: A USER'S MANUAL, and the blurbs on the Bah. What I want is the Administrator's Manual and Configuration Guide. ---------------------------------------------------- Why was Stonehenge abandoned? It wasn't IBM compatible. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: Hunting wounds From some LA paper, in a column by Roger Simon: "A recently released federal study, however, showed that 50% of all hunting accidents come from hunters falling out of trees." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Year in Rec.Arts.Comics [Excerpts] "OK, so the new new X-Men have been cleared out to make way for the new new new X-Men in _X-Men_, we have the old new X-Men in _Classic X-Men_, and we have the new old X-Men in _X-Factor_. That about sums it up..." ~~~~~ "Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma." --Chris Jarocha-Ernst ~~~~~ "He avenges the innocent, upholds justice and makes a unique fashion statement." --Detroit Free Press Fashion columnist on Batman ---------------------------------------------------- This story might be apocryphal. On the day of the final exam the professor said, "Anyone who is satisfied with a B may put their name on this list and leave now." When those who wanted to do so had signed and left he said, "The rest of you get As." ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: "sensitive" information I agree with the sentiment that the gov't is getting paranoid (especially of late). Someone told me this analogy, which I think is appropriate: The race to build and use technology is like the Indy 500. The scientists and researchers are trying to win this race by building faster and better cars. The government is trying to win by scattering tacks on the racetrack. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: English bases in US? > Are there British bases in the United States? While their existance > seems plausible, I have never heard of any... While I agree with the argument to some degree, it's worth noting that England is a lot closer to the perceived threat than the US is, so there is some geographical influence as well. There are British bases in West Germany, even though West Germany probably has military superiority over Britain (ignoring the nuclear aspect). There are also Canadian bases in Germany, which most emphatically doesn't mean that Canada is more powerful than Germany! (Sigh... That one cuts the other way. There are, effectively, German bases in Canada, because Canada is host to a lot of NATO training facilities. The *embarrassing* part is that there are usually more German tanks in Canada than there are *Canadian* tanks in Canada!) ---------------------------------------------------- From: Aaron Wohl Subject: why brownies are different in pittsburgh After moving to pittsburgh from florida I noticed that when left out for a while that texture of the top of leftover brownies changed. Perhaps this was due to the vast difference in humidity I thought. After many experiments to check on the surface condition of brownies I went into the kitchen one day and the (new) cat was licking the top off the brownies. ---------------------------------------------------- From: Aaron Wohl Subject: Re: Lawyers Actually, my mom is a lawyer. When a client comes in and says that they: a)Want a divorce and will drag it out forever and b)To see that that the other party gets what they deserve and c)To make sure the the wrong doer is revealed for what they are She asks them for a detailed list of all of the property. At this point the client always says with glee: FOR THE COURT? To which she says: No, for me. Since you are going to sqander all your wealth on lawyers fees, I want to know what I am gettting. [at which point they for a quick settlement] ---------------------------------------------------- From: slb@drutx.ATT.COM (Sue Brezden) Subject: IMPORTANT EVENTS OF 1987 Date: 1 Jan 88 03:38:44 GMT OK, we all know that 1987 was the "year of the bimbo." (Some of us lobbied for "year of the goddess," but never mind.) However, other important things went down in 1987. Here are a few, courtesy of the Rocky Mountain News. May be copyrighted, so sue me. Yugoslavia indefinitely postponed the execution of convicted Nazi war criminal Andrija Artukovic on the ground of ill health. A rugby player in New Zealand was jailed for six months for biting off the ear of an opponent. The judge ruled that was "not within the normal give-and-take the sport allows." The Soviet newspaper Izvestia reported that 37-year-old Yuliya Vorobyeva was pronounced dead after an electric shock. After two days in the morgue, she woke up and did not sleep again for six months. Then she fell asleep and when she awoke she had X-ray vision, which she now uses to make medical diagnoses by looking inside people. ---------------------------------------------------- A man goes into the Bank of Gdansk to make a deposit. Since he has never kept money in a bank before, he is a little nervous. "What happens if the Bank of Gdansk should fail?" he asks. "Well, in that case your money would be insured by the Bank of Warsaw." "But, what if the Bank of Warsaw fails?" "Well, there'd be no problem, because the Bank of Warsaw is insured by the National Bank of Poland." "And if the National Bank of Poland fails?" "Then your money would be insured by the Bank of Moscow." "And what if the Bank of Moscow fails?" "Then your money would be insured by the Great Bank of the Soviet Union." "And if that bank fails?" "Well, in that case, you'd lose all your money. But, wouldn't it be worth it?" ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: More in the court heard on one of those starving artist/comedian TV shows: Just once, I would like to see an intelligent witness on the stand: Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? D: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder. ---------------------------------------------------- variation on never felt better in my left: The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life. ---------------------------------------------------- >From "Disorderly Conduct - Verbatim Excerpts from Actual Court Cases" selected by Rodney R. Jones, Charles M. Sevilla, and Gerald F. Uelmen. ********************************* The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of the psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a fencepost. Counsel: Has the court stated it in numerical terms? The Court: His IQ is less than zero. ********************************* Counsel: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content? Witness: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame analyzation detectors. The Court: Can you get that on mag wheels? Witness: Only on the floor models. ********************************* Counsel: Now, in your report under "Foundation" you indicated that there is a minimum of cracking and no signs of settling. Witness: Yes. Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it that you did find some cracking. Witness: No. Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be in court just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions. So I put minimum in there to cover myself, because somebody is going to find a crack somewhere. The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I won't. Counsel: Move to strike -- The Court: No. We are not going to strike it. Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor. The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken? It is worth the whole trial. ********************************* Defense counsel: The truth of the matter is that you are not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas? Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. ********************************* Counsel: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: THE TITANIC WASN'T ALONE The Titanic had two sister ships, named...the Olympic, and the Britanic. The Olympic made her maiden voyage in mid 1911. Shortly afterwards she was rammed by the British patrol ship Hawk. This cut a 30 foot gash in her side and she was returned to Belfast. There were a few pictures taken at this time of the Olympic parked next to her new sister, the Titanic. She was refitted and served well her owners. During WWI she was refitted as a troop transport. During the war she was torpedoed once, this was however a dud. In 1918 as she approached England, her skipper noticed a U-boat ready to strike, so he turned the Olympic slightly and rammed the U-boat and sank it. She was the only vessel in that war to do so. In 1920 she returned to service, having been totally refitted with new boilers and an oilburning system, instead of the previous coal system. She proved herself to be a good ocean ferry many times making a voyage at a good 24 knots. She came to be known as old reliable. The White Star Line which owned and operated all of the "ic" class ships went out of business in 1934, and the Olympic was soon part of the Cunard fleet. At this time the Queen Mary was being built and it was decided that many of the older ships would be replaced by her. The Olympic was considered one of the older ships, although she was only 23 years old. It seemed that the great ship knew her time was about up, for on a foggy night near Nantucket the Olympic rammed the Nantucket lightship!!! Nearly all the members of the lightship's crew were killed, and the Olympic made headlines again. In the summer of 1935 she was removed from service and was scrapped in 1937. The other sister was the Britanic...she never made a maiden voyage due to the fact of war service. In 1915 she became the hospital ship Britanic ...everyone felt very safe in her for her builders said "She has been built to withstand all the damage that her sister had sucumbed to". In 1916 in the Mediterranean, she was struck by a mine or a torpedo. She sank in less than an hour with damage, not unlike her sisters. Of the three vewssels only one made it to New York. Not a good average, eh? ---------------------------------------------------------------- On Tom Swifties: Not many dictionaries define "Tom Swifty". One that does is _The Random House Dictionary of the English Language_ (1966): Tom Swiftie, a play on words that follows an unvarying pattern and relies for its humor on a punning relationship between the way an adverb describes a speaker and at the same time refers significantly to the import of the speaker's statement, as in _"I know who turned off the lights," Tom hinted darkly._ [named after a narrative mannerism characteristic of the _Tom Swift_ American series of adventure novels for boys] In actual use, "Tom Swifty" seems to have a somewhat broader meaning, and includes the form christened "croakers" by Roy Bongartz, wherein a verb rather than an adverb supplies the pun (e.g. "I'm dying", he croaked). "Who is this Tom Swifty character anyway?" asked Tom unselfconsciously. Tom Swift was the brainchild of Edward L. Stratemeyer (1862-1930). Stratemeyer first used the name "Tom Swift" for the title character in "Shorthand Tom; or, the exploits of a young reporter", serialized in 1894. Sixteen years later he re-used the name for a new character, an ingenious youth whose amazing scientific inventions and discoveries would carry him to weird and wonderful places. The Tom Swift adventure series, which was published under the pseudonym Victor Appleton, began with _Tom Swift and his motor-cycle; or Fun and Adventure on the road_ in 1910, and continued until 1935 (5 years after Stratemeyer's death!). Stratemeyer was also the creator of the Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and other lesser-known series. Stratemeyer only supplied the characters and the (repetitive) plots for his books; he had a syndicate of some 20 hack writers to do the actual writing. After his death the syndicate was taken over by his daughter, Harriet S. Adams, who in 1954 started the "Tom Swift, Jr." series under the pseudonym Victor Appleton II. The "narrative mannerism" that the Random House Dictionary mentions was not the Tom Swifty as such, but merely the laboured avoidance of the unadorned use of the word "said". Tom never merely "said" anything; he asserted, asseverated, averred, chuckled, declared, ejaculated, expostulated, grinned (plainly or mischievously), groaned, or smiled. In particular, sentences of the form: "---", said Tom ---ly. were used ad nauseam. Then one day day someone decided to satirize the mannerism by using puns, and the Tom Swifty was born. I am ignorant of who first used the humorous form of Tom Swifty, or of whether the form is older than the name. I seem to recall once reading that "'One or two lumps?' she asked sweetly" dates from the early part of this century, but I have lost the reference. Perhaps it was Dorothy Parker or one of her fellow Algonquin wits, who were fond of a game called "Give me a sentence", where the challenged party had to supply a sentence punning on a given word. ----------------------------------------------------------------