Q. Why don't blind people go bungee jumping? A. Because it scares the hell out of the dogs. *** On PC speak: a lie terminological inexactitude drunk chemically inconvenienced Black melanin-enriched White melanin-impoverished " melanin-impoverished oppressors " ditto-exploiters Snowwhite and the Snow-melanin-impoverished and the Seven Seven Dwarfs Vertically-challanged individuals *** I quit my job today. Ita a very liberating feeling. I whole- heartedly reccomend it. I also drove my car past a carload of strange screaming women. All in all, not a bad day. *** ... what do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? [ a roaming catholic ] ... what do you call a nun with a sex change operation? [ a tran-sister ] *** 1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 2 pints = 1 Cavort Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton to 1 meter per second One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz 1 Word = 1 Millipicture 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen *** Why did the mathematician name his dog Cauchy? Becuase it ran around in circles and left residue at the poles! *** A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A rabbi sits down next to him. The rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzah. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this shit?" *** London-A tiny sports car leaves a lot to be desired as a midnight trysting spot, two secret lovers have learned. Wedged into a two-seater, a near naked man was suddenly immobilized by a slipped disc, trapping his woman companion beneath him, according to a doctor writing in a medical journal here. The desperate woman tried to summon help by honking the horn with her foot. A doctor, ambulance driver, firemen and a group of interested passerbys quickly surrounded the car in Regent's Park. 'The lady found herself trapped beneath 200 pounds of pain-racked immobile man' said Dr. Brian Richards of Kent. 'To free the couple, firemen had to cut away the car frame', he said. The distraught woman, helped out of the car into a coat, sobbed: 'How am I going to explain to my husband what happened to his car?' *** The sky was dark The moon was high All alone just she and I Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing My hands on her breast I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart And when I did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came At last it's finished It's all over now My first time ever At milking a cow..... *** When my younger brother applied for his first job delivering our neighborhood newspaper, he was told, "You'll be earning three dollars an hour. And next year you'll make five dollars an hour." "Sounds great," my brother replied. "I'll see you next year." *** Q: What is the difference between your paycheck and your dick? A: One you don't have to beg your wife to blow. *** Paraphrased from the trashy novel "Regrets Only" by Sally Quinn: A "shikseh" (Yiddish for "dumb blonde") wanders into a kosher deli during Passover and sees "Matzah Ball Soup" on the menu. She asks, "Is that the only part of the Matzah they use?" *** From: an343@anon.penet.fi (Cow Lover.) Subject: Why I read alt.sex.bestiality... For the record sheep are social, communicative creatures who posses a fairly substantial world view. *** I'm walking home from school, and I'm watching some men building a new house, and the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo.......... in Morse code. -Emo Philips *** From "New Scientist", attributed from R.D. Hayler, Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire, to a friend: Two sodium atoms are walking along the street when one stops and says, "Oh my God, I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" asks the other sodium atom. "Yes," replies the first sodium atom, "I'm positive." *** Seen in the fine print of an ad for an "improve your sex life" book in the back of a well-known bridal magazine: "Full refund if not completely satisfied within 10 days." *** Yesterday I bought a coconut for my 16 year old daughter. I then realized we have been living too long, to far away from nature. She said: "This white stuff inside smells like shampoo." *** Once upon a time, there lived a poor cap seller in a small village (in India) :-) He earned his livelihood stiching caps and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree. When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the caps missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his caps. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his caps. He lifted the cap on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their apeing habits the monkeys followed suit. The cap seller, then collected all the caps and triumphantly proceeded to the market. The Joke: As the years pass by, the cap seller has a grandson who too ends up being a cap seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell caps in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa's trick if the monkeys cause any trouble. So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the caps gone. Then he notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the caps. Smiling to himself he says, "Aha ! I know how to deal with this. I'll use my grandpa's trick ! So he hurls his cap to the ground expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young capless monkey sitting in the tree. This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson's cap and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson sarcastically "HA, HA ! SO, DID YOU THINK THAT ONLY YOU HUMANS HAVE A GRANDPA ??" :-) *** A man sends his blonde girlfriend to the store to buy orange juice. She goes, and returns with the juice, but the trip takes her 3 hours, even though the store is only a block away. "What took you so long?" inquried the man. "Well, " she replied, "I found the juice with no problem, but then the can said 'concentrate'." *** Do you want all the energy of the brightest and most motivated people in the inner cities devoted to education? Do you want education avalible, respected, and sought after? Do you want drugs despised, avoided, and shunned as a lifestyle? Then have federal funding for drugs and declare a War on Schools... *** A husband and wife were celebrating their fifteen wedding anniversary. They dined at a fine restaurant, discussing their many memories from the previous years. Then, they saw a wonderful play at the theatre, holding hands the entire time. Finally, they returned home where tried to make love, but without much enthusiasm. "What do you think is the problem," asked the husband. "I don't know," responded his wife, "Maybe on special occasions such as today we can't think of anyone else." *** He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. The duffer exploded. "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed. "I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence." *** Bush, Gorbachev, and Mitterand are making small-talk before a meeting about the world economy. Mitterand says, "My friends, I am so worried. I have nine mistresses and one of them is cheating on me." Then Bush says, "That's terrible, but I have a worse problem. I have nine cabinet members, and one of them is a KGB agent." Gorbachev shakes his head sadly and says, "My friends, you don't know what trouble is. I have nine trusted advisors, and one of them is an economist." *** from: mjl@cs.rit.edu (Mike Lutz) The Finals Week item, with 50 things to do during a final you know you will flunk, inspires me to pass along this true story from RIT. Acknowledgements are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former graduate student Ed Ford, who together pulled the scam off with aplomb. Several years ago, Ken was assigned two sections of a large service course taken primarily by business students. The final exam was multiple choice, and had a well-deserved reputation for being easy to cheat on (one proctor, 250-300 students). Ken was determined to plug this hole, at least for one term. One nice thing about such a large class is that no student knows everyone else who is enrolled. Using this, Ken asked Ed to attend the final and pretend to take it like everyone else. Ken also told Ed to be as blatent as possible about cheating. At the start of the exam, Ken announced that anyone caught cheating off another student's paper would have his or her exam confiscated and would fail the course. As the exam progressed, Ed was peering all around, while Ken periodically called out "eyes on your own paper." After about three such warnings, Ken bounded up the stairs, crossed to Ed's seat, grabbed the exam, tore it to shreds, and shouted "You're outta here!" According to Ken, Ed's facial expression was a perfect combination of shock and terror. For the rest of the exam, the room resembled a monastery where monks were carefully and studiously working on sacred scrolls. *** =- On Saturday, February 27, the University United We Stand America will ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ =- present Ross Perot at the University of Texas Bass Concert Hall. Before I attend this event or join the organization, perhaps someone can tell me how to parse this unfortunate phrase. Some punctuation would help enormously. Consider, is it: United we stand, America! or maybe United, we stand America. (Presumably we can't stand it as individuals.) or even yet United, we. Stand, America! (The rest of you get up off your butts?) Perhaps veiled nostalgia for the cold war and NATO: United West and America. Or, Ross is soliciting investors for a leveraged buyout of UAL, and will sell its Far East routes for a quick buck: United: West and America No, wait! It's an anagram! ``I am a sweeet, candid runt.'' *** April 15, 1993 (Special) The IRS reported today that thousands of Macintosh owners were filing Form 4868 (Application for Automatic Extension of Time To File U.S. Individual Income Tax Return). It seems that they all used MacInTax, and Form 4868 was the only form that printed out correctly. *** [in reference to the G7 meeting agreeing to aid Russia] For some reason, when I read the paper today, I had this image of a bunch of men in suits going in to a Vegas betting parlor, slapping $30 billion down on the counter, and saying "place it on Yeltsin to win"... *** The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign,it says "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives over to the sign and takes a look, it says "Now there are two". *** What's the difference between dark and hard? One lasts all night. *** A man decided to surprise his wife. So He bought her a transparent gown that cost $2000. When He came home, He asked her to try it. The wife entered the bedroom, and while opening the pack, She saw the price Tag. 'He must be crazy,' She thought, I'll take it back to the store, and buy a complete wardrobe, instead. So she came back completely naked. The husband thought to himself, 'it costs so much, and they couldn't even iron it?! *** Jenkins started a new job and became friendly with a long-time employee. "Do you like it here?" Jenkins asked. "It's great," answered the old-timer. "Not only do we have a good pension plan, but working here ages you faster." *** Q. What's the worst thing about a guy being an atheist? A. He has no one to talk to when he's getting a blow job. *** --One from the Peanut Gallery: "Mark D Baushke" Subject: HUMOR: Rules for Bank Robbers From: blblbl!zonker@EDDIE.MIT.EDU 20-JUN-1988 20:09 RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. 8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out, not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. *** Q: What do you get when you cross Lee I. Iaccoca with Count Dracula? A: autoexec.bat *** One guy (G) goes to a barber (B) shop to get a cut and some kind of talk between them follows. B: So, what do you do? G: I study physics. B: Hmmmmm.... Do you know how old is this Earth? G: Nooooo.. B: It is 15 billion and 20 years! G: (A bit surprised) 15 billion is OK, but why such an accuracy of 20 years in a figure of 15 billions? B: You see, 20 years back, when I was going to school, my physics teacher told us that the Earth was 15 billion years old. *** A GENEALOGICAL RIDDLE by Phil Bolsta If Rolling Stone Bill Wyman, 56, and ex-wife Mandy Smith, 22, decide to reconcile, genealogists could celebrate. Here's why: Wyman's 30-year old son, Stephen, has just announced his engagement to Patsy Smith, 46, who is none other than Mandy's mother! If the romantic partnership succeeds, Bill Wyman would become his son's son-in-law, because he would be married to his son's stepdaughter. Mandy Smith would become Stephen Wyman's mother because she would be his father's wife. By virtue of his marriage to Mandy's mother, then, Stephen Wyman would be both Mandy's son and father. Likewise, Patsy Smith would be Mandy's daughter as well as her mother. Of course, things get real interesting if both couples decide to have children. If Patsy Smith has a son, the child would be Bill Wyman's brother-in-law and Stephen Wyman's uncle because he would be the brother of his stepmother, Mandy Smith. If Mandy has a son, the child would be Stephen Wyman's brother as well as his grandchild because the baby would be the son of his daughter. It then follows that Patsy Smith would be her husband's grandmother because she was his mother's mother. Stephen Wyman would be both his wife's husband and grandchild. And since the husband of a person's grandmother is his grandfather, Stephen Wyman would be his own grandfather! *** What do you get when you cross Dolly Parton with Al Gore and Bill Clinton? Two Boobs, and a damn fine Country Singer! *** Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A. A salad shooter! *** --One from the Peanut Gallery: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Subject: Microsoft and UnixWorld Quoted from the "Overheard" section of the April 1993 issue of "UnixWorld": Here's part of a letter UnixWorld received from Microsoft: "The library at Microsoft has been receiving requests from employees for copies of particular articles from [UnixWorld], and Microsoft would like to include the publication in its list of approved publications for article reproduction. We request that you sign this letter and consent to Microsoft and its subsidiaries reproducing copies of selected articles from the publication obtained from any source and in any format." And the response from UnixWorld... Sure, if we can do the same with your software. *** According to the _Houston_Chronicle_, Susanne Henderson offhandedly answered a ringing pay phone at a Waco, TX, shopping mall. "Hello, Mrs. Henderson?" a voice asked. Henderson looked around to see if she was on _Totally_Hidden_Video_ or _Candid_Camera_. On the line was the man who tends her yard, calling about a question about the garden. The mall pay phone, it turned out, had almost the same number as her phone at home. "It was a question of dialing the wrong number and getting the right person," said Henderson. "I was speechless." *** The following question and answer appeared in the "Professional Problem's Corner" of _The_Lawyer_, a British journal: "Q. I am a 32-year-old assistant solicitor working for a medium-sized general practice, specializing in litigation. Last month I had an appointment with an established client, an attractive blonde divore who had purchased a defective vacuum cleaner from a local shopkeeper, who had refused to replace it or refund her money. As I took down the details I could not help noticing that her dress was extremely low-cut and she kept giving me long lingering looks. Our eyes met and within seconds we were making passionate love on my desk. I have met her on several subsequent occasions, when the same thing happened. I am married with three children. What should I do?" "A. Your client should be able to obtain redress under s.13 or 14 of the _Sale_of_Goods_Act_1979_, provided it can be established that the goods were not of merchantable quality or fit for the purpose for which they were sold." *** "Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling one out the other day and I got to the part that says "Sex?" Well, I prefer to 'F', but I'm usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'." *** What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? ---1979 hide and go seek champion *** Two men are out on a froken lake ice fishing. One man had been out on the lake for over two hours and he hasn't gotten a single bite. The other man, just about a dozen feet away, had been on the lake for about half an hour, and he already had almost a bucket-full. This disturbed the other man greatly, so he walked over to him and asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but I'd been out 'ere fer a mighty long time and I ain't caught nuthin'. How do you catch all them fish?" The other man looked at him and said, "Mummmummhummmummhummhmummm." "What did you say?" "Mummhummmummhummmumnmunhumm," mumbled the busy fisherman. "Sir, you got a speech impediment? I can't here a darn word yer saying!" The fisherman pointed his finger up, indicating to wait a minute. He pulled and reeled in his line and pulled and reeled in, and he cuaght another fish. "OK, darn it. Either tell me now or else," said the angry 'amateur'. As the 'expert' removed the fish from the hook, he looked at the unfortuate man standing beside him. He put the fishing pole down and took a large wad of something out of his mouth. "You have the keep the worms warm," he answered. *** First, we computer folk had the terms software and hardware, then firmware, then a number of other -ware terms came into usage, such as freeware, shareware, vaporware and others. To add to the ever-growing list of -ware terms, I would like to propose this one: Vacuumware: n, software which was written specifically to fill a void in the industry, especially software which is successful more due to how well it fills that void than due to anything else, like usability or utility. I believe it may have been Dennis Ritchie who said (about X) "Sometimes when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks." X is a prime example of vacuumware, and in fact inspired the term. *** Friday evening around 7:30. A young couple enters a jewelery store. He, average looking, well dressed, She, DROP-DEAD Beautiful, BUILT! They walk up to the necklace counter and start brousing.(she is giggling constantly, he's looking bored) Shortly a clerk walks up to them and asks if she can be of assistance. The conversation went as follows: He: "Yes, do you have anything GOOD?" Clerk: "OH, Yes!" (she starts to reach for a good looking piece in the display case) He: "Hold on.. Let's save some time. Show me the BEST diamond necklace that you have on the premeses." Clerk: "Um, Yes Sir, I'll have to get the manager, it's in the safe." He: "I'll wait." She: (looks like a VERY happy puppy) Manager: (coming from the back with a box) "Sir, this is the best in the house." (he opens the box, there is a price tag of $23,000.00 on the necklace) She: (gasp!) (melt) He: (to she) "Would you like to try it on?" She: (nod vigorously) He: "Do you like it?" She: (*KISS*) He: "I'll take it. You *DO* take personal checks don't you?" Manager: "Um, yes sir, but, being as this is friday and the banks have closed. I can not release the necklace until I've verified funds. You could pick it up Monday around noon." He: "Fine." She: (*KISS*,*KISS*,*KISS*) Monday rolls around and the young man returns to the store. Manager: "YOU! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE!" He: "I know, I'm here to collect the check." Manager: "HERE! Now get out!" He: "Oh, One other thing." Manager: "What." He: "I'd like to thank you for the BEST weekend of my LIFE!" *** You wake up face down on the pavement. You put your bra on backward and it fits better. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office. Your birthday cake collapses form the weight of the candles. Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business. You want to put on the clothes you wore home form the party and there aren't any. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgot your birthday. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angles on the freeway. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. You wake up and your braces are locked together. You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose. You cal our answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. Your income tax check bounces. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. Your pet rock snaps at you. Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. Author Unknown.......But Troubled *** Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab. Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab. Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab. Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab. and, most importantly, Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department. Being a philosopher, I felt compelled to post the following upon seeing the above. I don't know the source, although I first heard it from Brian Smith of Xerox PARC: Philosphers truly appreciate the profound nature of life's deep questions. As a result, they are still struggling with the same questions that have been asked for millenia. Thus, they are the objects of ridicule on the part of scientists, who have less patience with such lack of progress. For example, consider the age-old question: If a tree falls in a forest, and there is no one around to hear, does it make a sound? This question was posed by philosophers of antiquity, and there is still no philosphical consensus as to what the answer should be. But ask a scientist the same question, and he'll go off for short while, apply for a grant or two, and come back saying, "Well, we've solved it for elm and birch, but we're still working on the general case"! *** >> >>>Happiness is...a warm toilet seat. well, better than the crock bowl!! :-) >> >>>Happiness is...breaking wind in public, and blaming someone else same applies to burping!! >> >>>Happiness is...realizing you were wrong the whole time, but you are too >> >>> drunk to care. >> >>>Happiness is...A really smelly beer fart. >> >Happiness is...A warm soft fluffy puppy with soft fur and sad brown eyes and >> >a little wagging tail and a wet nose... sounds like the Andrex puppy!!!!!!! aaaaahhhhhhh! > >Happiness is... waking up in the morning to find someone you love there > with you, holding you. Pass me my chuck bucket! (a Diana Trent-ism!!!) >Happiness is... reading a good book. >Happiness is... curling up with your best friend and talking. >Happiness is.. watching your baby brother learn to walk and talk... >Happiness is... your first kiss. Can anyone actually remember that! >Happiness is... vacation. >Happiness is... a simple hug when you really need it. >Happiness is... finding that perfect card for someone's birthday. >Happiness is... a call from a friend from home when you're at college. >Happiness is... that bouquet of roses. >Happiness is... finishing a long project. >Happiness is... learning how to use this damn system properly!!! >Happiness is... sleeping after serious sleep deprivation of a week!!! >Happiness is... being loved. *** I've just been reading "How We Know What isn't so" by Gilovitch (sp?) and found out where the oft quoted "over 50% of marriages end in divorce" comes from. It comes from people dividing the number of divorces by the number of marriages in a given year! It seems to me with this logic, we could divide the number of deaths by the number of births in a given year to get the probability of a birth eventually ending in death. Thus, we may find that something like: "52% of all births will end in death"!! This is great!!, I always thought it was 100%. *** ....I was sitting in my barber shop, where all real men come to gossip before the local bar opens, and this state trooper came in with this 911 tape to play for everyone. Now..it was HYSTERICAL on the tape, but I'll give you the idea of the story. The phonecall is this guy calling in from a payphone on the side of the road...and he is panicing, and cursing and apparently 911 was his last resort. It seems that he was driving down the road, at night, with his dog and he hit a deer. Well, rather than leave the deer there to rot, he figured he'd take it home and butcher it for the meat. So, he drags the deer into the back seat of his car and continues on home. Well, he starts hearing these noises in the back seat, and the "fucking deer" is alive! It turns out that the deer was injured, but he just knocked it unconscious. So the deer wakes up and is in a panic in the back of this car, doesn't know where it is, so proceeds to bite the back of this guys neck! So he's driving down the road, no place to stop, the deer is biting him, his dog is going crazy and also attacking him! He's telling all this to the 911 operator and the deer is still in his car! You could actually hear the 911 operator holding back laughter, because the story was just so damn funny. *** The 20 things that never happen on Star Trek 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encount ered several times before. 2.The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists who are perfectly alright. 3.Some of the crew visit the holodeck and it works perfectly. 4.The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform which turns out t o be a rather well known lifeform wearing a hat. 5. The crew of the Enterprise are stuck by a mysterious plague for which the cu re can only be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick bay. 6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people w hich is made a great deal easier by the Prime Directive. 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another w ithout serious incident. 8.An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enter prise computer, only to find he has forgotten to bring the right leads. 9. A power serge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed by the highl y trained and competent engineering staff. 10.The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence and does not get put on trial. 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which th ey easily pacify by offering some sweeties. 12. The Enterprise visits a class M planet called Paradise where everyone is ha ppy at the time. However everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it see ms. 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunatly , some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfact ion. 14. The Enterprise is involved with a twentieth century time warp experiment w hich is in some way unconnected with the late twentieth century. 15. Kirk or Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits and isn't t ragically torn from her in the end. 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out w ithout any intervention from Boy Genius Wesley Crusher. 18. Wesley Crusher gets beat up by his classmates for being a smarmy chit and consequently has to make some friends his own age for a change. 19.Spock/DAta gets fired from his high ranking posotion for not being able to u nterstand the nuances of about one in three of the sentences that are said. 20.Most things. *** Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?" Father: " Sure son. What's the question?" Son: "What is Politics?" Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the Maid The Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son? Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father. Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" Son: " Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit." *** a man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink. a rather sultry looking woman happens by with a bottle of whiskey and asks politely if she may join him. after a few drinks they both get a little frisky and the woman says " how about we go up to my room and play 'WHAMMY'". the gentleman inquires as to the nature of this game and she explains " well, what we do is, we take off all our clothes and stand at either end of the room. then we run toward each other and meet in the middle. " this sounds reasonable to the gentleman and they both go off to her room. once inside her room, and naked as jaybirds, they begin the game. however, the whiskey has begun to take effect and they completely miss each other and the man falls out the window and into a shrub below. he shakes off the fall and dusts himself off, but suddenly realizes that he is very naked and outside of the hotel. he hides behind the bush for a while trying to figure out a way to get back into the hotel. suddenly, a fire truck shows up and a bunch of firemen go rushing into the hotel. the man calls out to one of the firemen who stayed behind and says "hey buddy...i fell out of the window upstairs and i dont have any clothes on" the fireman comes over and offers him a coat. the man steps out of the shrubs and talks to the fireman "hey...what the hell is going on here anyway ?" the fireman looks at the man and says "well...i dont know what happened to you, but we just got a call to get some woman off a doorknob !" *** TOP TEN QUESTIONS NEVER TO ASK: 10) You're not a virgin, are you? 9) Can I borrow your underwear? 8) May I borrow that condom when you're done with it? 7) Hey mom, can I borrow a few bucks? I've got to score some drugs. 6) Why is your ass so big? (aka When did you put on all that weight?) 5) Where'd you get the toupee? 4) Who's the father? 3) Does your wife know that you're gay? 2) Are you retaining water? and the number one question not to ask: 1) Do you love me? *** MOMMY, WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF...? Amnesia What did you just ask me? Apathy I don't care. Bigotry I'm not going to tell someone like you. Damnation Go to hell! Dyslexia Beeing Sackwards Egotistical I'm the best person to answer that question. Evasive Go do your homework. Flatulent That question really stinks! Hostility If you ask me just one more question, I'll kill you! Ignorance I don't know. Indifference It doesn't matter. Influenza You've got to be sick to ask me that question. Insomnia I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer. Irreverant I swear to God, you ask too many questions! Masturbation Your father can handle that question. Narcissism Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great? Over-Protective I don't know if you're ready for the answer. Paranoid You probably think I don't know the answer, do you? Procrastination I'll tell you tommorow. Repetitive I already told you the answer once before. Self-Centered Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters. Suspicious Why are you asking me all these questions? *** Another interesting Chinese Coke translation problem was when they tried to translate a chosen slogan: The taste that transcends the generations. They ended up turning it into 'The taste that brings back your dead ancestors.' I understand the translator got fired. *** What actually happened was someone wrote some software that would take an English phrase and translate it to Japanese. It was written for advertisers to plug their slogans in to get something useful out in Japanese so that their ads became fairly portable. In a beta release, apparently surrounded by some wonderful publicity, General Electric came along and plugged in "G.E.: We bring good things to life", and out came "G.E.: We bring your ancestors back from the dead". Then they put in "Coke: The real thing", and out came "Bite the wax tadpole." *** Hmmm. Then perhaps the story I've been relating for so long is just an urban legend as well. For the three or four of you who don't know the russian language translation example, its input was - "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." The computer spit back "The Vodka is good, but the meat is rotten." *** The one I've heard is the phrase "Out of sight, out of mind" came back "blind idiot". *** Must be an urban legend. When I heard "spirit is willing", it was about translating to French, and having the students translate back to English. The other half (which I haven't seen yet), was "Quoth the raven, nevermore" was translated as "the blackbird said never again". *** I always joke about celebrating Earth Day by driving the old 1972 Dodge Challenger in my parent's garage. think about it..... and how come we're so terra-centric. Why just Earth Day when there are 8 other planets too? *** While watching a late-night rerun of The Breakfast Club, we noticed a joke without a punch-line. As John Bender is crawling through a ceiling, he's muttering the following joke: A blonde walks into a bar, a salami under one arm and a small poodle under the other. She sits down, and the bartender says "so I guess you won't be needing a drink." Then she says... At that moment, Bender is interrupted by falling through the ceiling. What's the punchline? Are you talking to the poodle or the salami? *** A friend of mine received a phone call. "Who is this?" a woman's voice answered. "Whom do you want to speak to?" my friend asked. "Did you say 'whom'?" the caller inqured after a somewhat startled pause. "Yes" my friend said. "I have the wrong number" the caller said. Then she hung up. *** ``Ladies and gentlemen, the captain is preparing for the final descent. Please return your stewardess to her full, upright position for landing ``Please return your seat-backs and tray-tables to their upright and most uncomfortable positions.'' ``So that you don't embarrass yourself by falling on your face in the aisle, please remain in your seats until the plane comes to a complete stop at the terminal.'' ``On behalf of airline, we'd like to welcome you to Bora-Bora, but instead we'll welcome you to to Los Angeles.'' ``If you are seated next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a child, put on your oxygen mask first '' ``There is no smoking in the aisles or lavatories. If you are caught smoking in the lavatories or the aisle, you will be asked to leave the aircraft once we reach 35,000 feet.'' ``Please check the overhead compartments for any personal belongings or small children you may have brought on board.'' ``We hope you have enjoyed flying with AirCal today, but if you haven't, this has been PSA flight 99 to San Francisco.'' ``The captain has located the airport, so we've begun our descent into San Diego.'' ``Welcome to San Diego The Captain is a much better flyer than he is a driver so it would be in your best interests to remain seated until we screech to a full stop at the gate.'' *** The quack was selling a potion which he declared would make one live to a ripe old age. "Look at me," he shouted, "hale and hearty. I'm over three hundred years old." "Is he really as old as that?" asked a listener of the young assistant. "I can't say," replied the assistant, "I've only worked for him a hundred years." *** One man found the key to safe driving for his wife. He reminded her that if she had an accident, the newspapers would print her age with the police report. *** A little boy who had spent a week at a dude ranch told his mother excitedly: "Mom, I even saw a man who makes horses." "Are you sure?" asked his mother. "Yes," he replied. "He had the horse nearly finished when I saw him, and he was just nailing on the feet." *** This is from an article entitled, "When it's translated, there's Methodism in their Madness", Seattle Post-Intelligencer, 11-20-92, By Paul Ames (AP). A Paris hotel told guests: "Please leave your values at the desk." A Bangkok dry cleaner's boast: "Drop your trousers here for best results." What did an Austrian ski resort mean when it urged guests "not to preambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." An Acapulco hotel reassured guests about the drinking water: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." A Tokyo hotel advised guests it "is forbidden to steal hotel towels please." But politely added, "If you are not a person to do such a thing please not to read notice." Another Tokyo hotel, seemingly more relaxed about morals, said, "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." But a sign at a German campsite warned: "It is strictly forbidden on our camp site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent, unless they are married with each other for that purpose." A Zurich hotel with similar worries offered this solution: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for that purpose." A temple in Bangkok warned visiting tourists, "It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man." In Paris, a boutique advertised "dresses for street walking." A notice in a Norwegian cocktail lounge stated, "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." A Rome doctor specializes in "women and other diseases" and a Swedish furrier offered coats "made for ladies from their own skin." For people suffering toothache in Hong Kong, a dentist advertised tooth extractions "using the latest Methodists." A Prague tourist agency urged tourists: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages." In Tokyo, a car rental agency offered these instructions: "When passenger of foot heave into sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor." *** Anyway, the questions: 1. Write an original song linking any 7 of the works we've read. Sing it aloud when finished. 2. Trace the subtle influences of spam and/or jello on at least 19 of the works we've studied. 3. If you're Dave, write a novel. If it's not a best seller, you fail. 4. Recite word for word the first story we read. Then translate it into Yiddish. 5. Everybody bring garlic. 6. Use quantum mechanics to disprove Plato. 7. Set fire to your copy of "The Story and its Writer." Write a poem explaining its effect on your sense of Truth. 8. Explain the combined effects of Monty Python and The Far Side on the teenage consciousness. Any Harvey Mudder will do as a case study. 9. Disprove everything. You have ten minutes. 10. Turn around and prove everything. You have FIVE. 11. Leave. You're gonna flunk anyway and may as well get some sleep. 12. Can we have class on the roof? 13. Compose 73 original "West is Best" tee shirts. 14. Severely damage the first person/thing available. Apologize in iambic pentameter. 15. You have a level 1 "moria" character and 3 hours. Kill the Balrog. Extra credit for using your bare hands. 16. Explain the impending world resource shortage without referring to brooms. ***