There were a little boy and a little girl arguing on every single subject they can think of by the beach. The little boy kept on looking for a subject that he could make him win arguing since he has not win a single argument yet. Suddenly he got an idea. He pulled down his short and said, "Look! I bet you do not have one of these!" The little girl ran crying to her mother. Not long after, she came back with a smile on her face. She took off her tiny bikini and said, "My mother said with this I can have as many of yours as I like!" -------- Arriving home from business trip, he found his little daughter crying in her room. "Why are you crying, sweetheart? Are you allright?" "I am allright, daddy. But Mommy isn't. Last night she almost died." "What do you mean?" asked the father confused. "Last night I heard mommy scream 'Oh God....oh God....I am coming.....I am coming!'" -------- Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes. "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?" "Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!" "Almost every night!!?????" "Yap! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,............" -------- A romantic couple was parking on a romantic place overlook the city. They went to the back seat and start doing it. "Put your finger in me, honey!" begged the girl. "Now put two fingers in me. Oh, yes. Put your hand in me! Good. Now put both your hands in." The man followed her instruction and put both hands in. "Clap your hand, honey!" wispered the girl. "I can't," said the man trying. "See! I told you it's still tight!" -------- An old lady went in the plastic surgeon's office to have another operation to get rid of her wrinkle on her face. "You have undergone plastic surgery many times already. It is very dangerous to have another one!" warned the doctor. "That's O.K., doc. I'll take full responsibility. Just remove this wrinkle on my face," begged the old lady. The doctor finally gave up and gave her another plastic surgery. When it is over, she looked in the mirror and said, "That's funny. I dont remember having a mole on my neck." "That is not a mole. You have had too many surgery that I have to pull a lot of your skin up. If you keep having surgery, you will start shaving!" -------- A middle age man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem. "I am going to do word-association. I am going to say a word and you will say the first thing that come to your mind," explained the doctor. "Oranges," said the doctor. "Breasts," replied the patient. "Appels." "Breasts." "Watermelons." "Breasts." "Wipers." "Breasts," said the patient with the same reply. "Wait a minute! I still can see the connetions between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? Where is the connetion?" asked the doctor confused. "Easy. One on the left and one on the right!" -------- An American tourist walked in to a traditional restaurant in Spain. When he got the menu, he realized that it was written in spannish. So he looked around and found a delicious looking dish on the next table. It was two large bull's balls topped with a very delicious sauce. When the waiter came, he asked, "I want the same dish as that senor" "I am sorry, senor. That is a very special dish. You have to order it a day in advance!" So the tourist ordered it and promised that he would returned the next day. On the next day, he returned to the same restaurant and found that the dish in front of him was two much smaller balls. "Waiter, how come these balls are so small. The dish I saw yesterday had two large balls!" "I am sorry, senor. But sometimes the bull wins!" -------- Q: Why are married men fatter than single guys? A: Single guys come home, look inside the refrigerator and go to sleep. Married men come home, look inside the bedroom and go to the refrigerator. -------- Once upon a time in Japan, there was a king searching for the best samurai in the world. So he made a contest. At the last round, there were three finalists. The king announced, "Each of you finalist will be presented with a fly. Those of you who can kill the fly with a samurai wins." The first finalist steped up. The fly was freed and a flash of light made by his samurai appeared and the fly was cut into two. The audience applaused to this impressive move. The second finalist stepped forward, the fly was freed, and two flashes of light appeared. The fly was cut into four pieces! The applause was even lauder. The last finalist came forward, the fly was freed, and he swung his samurai. The fly flew out the window. "What is this? You did not even touch the fly!" "Wait a minute," the last samurai tried to defend himself, "I can guarantee you that that fly will never make love again!" --------- A child awakened in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. On the way, he passed his parents' bedroom and saw the light was still on. So he peaked from the keyhole, and complained, "This is from a mom who told me not to suck my tumb!" -------- Once upon a time there was a magic bridge. Anyone who dared to jump off from it and screamed what he wished would get what they wished. So three man went there to fulfill their whishes. The first one jumped off the bridge and screamed "Millionare!" He landed on a yacht. The second man jump off and screamed "Eagle!" He became an eagle and flew above the cloud. The last one was about to jump when he tripped over the side wall and screamed "Sh*t!!!" -------- A husband and his wife have five children. Their names are Rudy, Layla, Johnny, Adam, and Ching Hu Wong. They called their fifth child Ching Hu Wong because the survey said every 5 babies borned to this world, one of them is Chinese. *** Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says, "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, "please pass the salt," but instead I said, "You fucking bitch, you ruined my life." *** A man pulled up beside a curb in his car just ahead of a little boy. As the boy walked past his car, he wound down his window and said to the boy. 'Will you come in my car if I give you a sweet.' The boy replied, 'i'll come in your mouth for a whole bag.' *** What does a laywer have in common with a sperm? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becomming a human being. *** From the March '93 "Yankee" magazine: A prisoner at Boston's Deer Island House of Corrections wrapped himself in a white sheet and climbed onto the prison roof, refusing to come down until someone named all six children on "The Brady Bunch." Five hours later, guards were still scratching their heads. Disgusted, the prisoner descended and requested a transfer "to anywhere." *** The other day in my Introductory Psychology course the class was discussing Frued and his Theory of Consciousness. In Freud's theory, there are basically three divisions of human awareness. The id is instinct and desire for pleasure, the superego is conscience and morality, and the ego is kind of like the self, or the part of an individual which "blends" the id and the superego. The instructor asked the class what kind of person would be characterized as having an overdeveloped id, and someone correctly answered "a criminal, or a child." Then she asked what kind of person might have an overdeveloped superego. I said without thinking, "a Democrat?" *** From: dmoore@sdnp1.UCSD.EDU (David Moore) Excerpts from a Sea World training manual. Sea World is a theme park in Orlando, Florida. - ---------------------------------------- Certain words and phrases have negative connotations. At Sea World, we call these "buzzwords." Avoid buzzwords and use more positive words - you'll give guests a better overall impression. ... dead, die If people ask you about a particular animal that you know has passed away, please say "I don't know." kill This word sounds very negative. Say "eat" or "prey upon." evolve Because evolution is a controversial theory, use the word "adapt." *** Solomon Waters of Altadena, a 6-year-old first-grader, came home from his first day of school and excitedly told his mother how he had written on "a machine that looks like a computer -- but without the TV screen." She asked him if it could have been a "typewriter." "Yeah! Yeah!" he said. "That's what it was called." *** From: richc@Autodesk.COM (Richard Cochran) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers Subject: Re: Verbing nouns and vice versa Date: 28 May 93 17:52:04 GMT I did say that any WORD (not just noun) can be verbed. But I :-)ed it! (Any glyph can be verbed, too!) The reason I :-)ed it is because there's an implied "as long as you don't mind sounding like someone who has no knowledge of, or respect for, English grammar". In my high school syntax class, a student was having trouble figuring out what part of speech the word "the" was. The teacher told the class, quite emphatically, "A, an, and the are ALWAYS article adjectives!" I raised my hand and asked him to diagram the sentence he just said. ** Do you know the difference bewteen a woman in church and a woman in a bathtub? The woman in church has hope for her soul. *** A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off no 'cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train 'cause we're leaving!" The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." *** Three vampires belly up to the bar. Barkeep says "What'll it be fellas?" The first vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood." The second vampire says "I'll have a glass of blood too." The third vampire says "I'll just have a glass of plasma." The barkeep says "OK, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite." *** From: jcnpc!n8emr!uunet.UU.NET!bsw!eddy (Eddy Sumardy) Subject: There are dangers in computerized finance. An Intuit software customer called technical support with the complaint that her Intuit Personal Finance software [Quicken] had locked her out for not knowing a password - yet she had never activated the password feature. When Intuit's engineers were able to remove the password, they found the last transaction to be a transfer of the entire checking account balance to a burglar who had broken in, written a check to himself, then added a password to the file. *** From: denelsbe@cs.unc.edu (Kevbo) Subject: Job Application "Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling one out the other day and I got to the part that says "Sex?" Well, I prefer to 'F', but I'm usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'." *** From: DAVISKL@VTVM1.CC.VT.EDU Subject: BALLAD OF THE TWIN BUTTES BALLAD OF THE TWIN BUTTES by Earl H. Emmons I once was calm, reserved and shy, A rather quiet sort of guy, A simple scribe of artless odes and sonnets, But that's before I chanced to stray Into that brassiere display Where lovely ladies modelled bosom bonnets. And now my simple lyric soul Is prone to rear and rip and roll; I'm frisky as a dozen playful kittens; And I'm afraid I'm not the same Since those divine upholstered dames Exhibited their mamillary mittens. Now I admit that here and there Among the sex described as fair I've looked at bosoms foreign and domestic, From puny papillary warts And sagging saddle-baggy sorts, To massive mounds impressive and majestic. Ah yes, I've been around, and yet Of all the udders I have met, And all that I have seen and felt and tasted, Compared to those I saw the day I crashed that brassiere display Suggests my life has been completely wasted. For there were busts that stood supreme, The tit ulary creme de creme; They filled me with tit anic tit illations; I snort and prance, my reason rants, My morals rip, I rend my pants Just thinking of those lactic decorations. For papillary pulchritude Imbues in me a wanton mood, My system seethes with fierce, salacious surges; When I recall those gorgeous gals And their delightful bosom pals My spirit howls with indecorous urges. And through my old rheumatic frame Primeval passions flash and flame; Those domes divine are driving me demented, And if but once in dishabille I saw them I would die I feel, But I would perish happy and contented. *** What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped. *** David Letterman's Top 10 TOP TEN HORRIFYING SECRETS OF BARNEY THE DINOSAUR 10. Spent the 70's travelling around the country following the Grateful Dead 9. Stormy marriage to Tanya Tucker lasted only six days 8. Purple color the result of alcohol-induced hypertension 7. Bitterly refers to "E.T." as "The Luckiest Damn Space Monkey in Hollywood" 6. Bangs the production assistants as fast as they can hire them 5. Is other half-brother of Roger Clinton 4. He and Mickey Rourke were forcibly ejected from the Golden Nugget Casino in Las Vegas after assaulting a blackjack dealer 3. Before plastic surgery, was one of the Jackson Five 2. Offered Fred Flintstone a million dollars for one night with Dino 1. Two words: silicone tail *** TO: All Employees FROM: Personnel SUBJECT: Revised Retirement Policy As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental payroll, we are forced to cut down on the number of personnel employed by this company. Under this plan, older employees will be ask to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early (RAPE). Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are being RAPEd, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW). All employees who have been RAPEd or SCREWed may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal process will be called Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the company deems necessary. If an employee follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of ensuring that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to see to it that you receive all the SHIT you can stand. Sincerely, Personnel Director *** > Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a > question?" > Father: "Sure son. What's the question?" > Son: "What is Politics?" > Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage > earner, so let's call me Capitalism. your mother is the > administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We > take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll > call the Maid The Working Class and your brother we can call > The Future. Do you understand son? > Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it." > > That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was > wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy > went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to > the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed > with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the > maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. > > The next morning he reported to his father. > > Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is." > Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?" > Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, > Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely > ignored and the Future is full of shit." *** Linguistic Thuggery Hanz Up Colin McEnroe It has become commonplace to read in our newpapers of a crime somehwere in America amusingly bungled by the criminal's ineptitude. Droll though these news items may be, they reflect an overlooked cost of our current national crisis in education. The basic learning skills of criminals have deteriorated to a shocking degree. Consider the following: o ITEM. A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned. Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery." o ITEM. In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent a photograph of their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip to China. This was pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call. They responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke, however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the kidnapers became peevish and insisted that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of _Success_ magazine. They provided a mailing address and were immediately apprehended. They later admitted to FBI agents they did not understand the principle involved in the photograph/newspaper concept. "We thought it was just some kind of tradition," said one. Educators agree that such mix-ups point to poor reasoning and comprehension skills, ignorance of current events, and failure to complete work in the time allotted. o ITEM. Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe using a Lazer Tag gun. o ITEM. Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their only means of escape. o ITEM. Rustlers in Spavin, N.D., made off with three Saint Bernard dogs, a stationary bicycle and the visiting in-laws of a farmer, after having failed to correctly identify the valuable cattle on the premises. "No problem-solving abilities, no communication skills, no 'plays and relates well with others,' no nothing," FBI regional director J. Paine Bloomey said, reviewing the state of modern criminality. "We are talking plain, flat-out, hard-boiled, stupid as pea turkeys." By contrast, Japanese criminals score in the range 10 to 15 points higher than their American counterparts in basic skills tests. In the Japanese underworld, it is considered a matter of honor to execute a thoughtful, grammatical, error-free crime. Still, experts such as Smyk stop short of demanding a total overhaul of the educational system. "For all their acumen," he says, "Japanese criminals wind up sacrificing a lot of the joie de vivre you see in our guys." *** During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." *** Why do Yugos have rear defrosters? To keep your hands warm when you push the car. *** "Does Barbie come with Ken?" "No, Barbie fakes it with Ken. She comes with GI Joe." *** Q: Do you know what Moth Balls smell like? Ans: paradychlorobenzene, of course. .... oh yeah? how did you get their little legs apart? *** If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. *** Yesterday General Norman Schwartzkopf testified before a Congressional committee that he opposed allowing openly gay people in the military. He said, "Hey, if they want to wear a uniform and shoot people, let 'em join the Postal Service." -- David Letterman (5/12/93) *** "In medical news, researchers now say that beer, wine and hard liquor can help to keep your heart healthy. That's good to know 'cause your heart is under a lot of strain when you're getting a liver transplant." - Jay Leno *** Did you hear that Prince Charles hired a Rastafarian to be shepard on one of his estates? Yeah, now the sheep are smoking the grass. *** What's the difference between a blimp, and 365 blow jobs? One's a goodyear, one's a great year! *** Smitty is interviewing for a new bartender. He asks the guy applying for the job how he became interested in tending bar. "Actually," says the guy, "I learned to appreciate the value of mixing drinks when I was a forest ranger. Before I went off into the wilderness on my first assignment, my fellow rangers gave me a farewell party. As a going-away gift, they gave me a martini-making kit, a bottle of gin, vermouth, a mixer, a stirrer, and a bottle of olives. I was confused. Why would I need a martini set in the woods? A more experienced ranger set me straight." "`You'll find this could be the most important piece of equipment you have. You may be out there in the wilderness totally alone for weeks, maybe months. Soon you'll remember your martini set. You'll take it out and begin to make yourself a martini, and within thirty seconds there will be someone at your side saying, "That's not the way to make a martini."'" *** A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?" "Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." "Do you use it for anything else?" "Like what?" "Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex." "Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out." *** In Madison, NJ a new store that sells used CDs opened up last year. Their shoplifting-deterrence policy is simple: this sign is hanging from one of the display cases: CD CASES ARE EMPTY! Shoplifters will be prosecuted and laughed at. *** A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. Pretty soon a gorgeous woman sits down at his table and says, "Hello stranger. You look lonely. I'll give you anything you want for $150 dollars if you can ask for it with only three words." The guy looks at her for a while, thinks, scratches his chin, smiles and says "Drywall my basement." *** Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school? A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned! *** Ramanujan and Hardy were in a cab, when Hardy noticed that the number of their cab was 1729. He commented on this, saying that 1729 was a boring number. Ramanujan told Hardy, "No, on the contrary, 1729 is a very interesting number. It's the sum of cubes in two ways." Hardy responded, "I was just kidding, I know that. It's also the difference of the squares of two triangular numbers." Ramanujan responded, (COUGH, COUGH) "Well, it's also the year Britain got Gibraltar back!" Hardy retorted, "Well, it's ALSO the product of two numbers which together form a palindromic number representing the year in which a couple books WILL BE PUBLISHED about this encounter!!" Ramanujan retorted, "Well, it's also the number of NUDE PICTURES I HAVE OF YOUR RELATIVES!" Hardy screamed back, "Well, it's also the number of times I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!!" At that, the conversation degenerated into a free-for-all... *** Q: How do you double the value of Rumman's car? A: Fill it with gas. *** "Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?" "No." "Well get out your driver's liscense and take a long look!" *** Did you hear they are going to carve two new faces in Mount Rushmore? President Clinton's! *** In Tuesday's Nashua NH newspaper was an article about a football player who was killed while away at school in South Dakota. Some statements from his coach were published: "He was at a party late Saturday night and early Sunday Morning. Somehow he wound up lying in the road and was hit by a car." said the coach. "He was a great kid - you don't run across many like that..." *** By now, millions of small children have probably seen the movie "Jurassic Park," despite the fact it's not a movie for small children. Given this, a lot of parents might have small, frightened children on their hands, who, still being a bit fuzzy on that fantasy versus reality thing, might very well believe that "Jurassic Park" is real, and happened (or is happening) somewhere. So, how can frantic parents make their small children believe that what happened in "Jurassic Park" was pure fantasy, and nothing more? What one example can they point out that will convince them, once and for all, that the movie was total fiction? Simple: no good-looking young girl is ever interested in computer science. *** >From the "What I pay my Legislooter For" department, two "gun control" bills introduced recently by Senator Moynihan. Notice that, according to the bill numbers, they were introduced simultaneously or in short succession: S-178 Sen. Moynihan (D-NY) Would prohibit the manufacture, sale, importation of .25, .32, and 9mm ammunition. S-179 Sen. Moynihan (D-NY) Would place a 1,000% tax on the sale o .32, and 9mm ammunition. Ban it, then tax it?!? Reckon this is part of Clinton's deficit reduction plan? :-) *** I heard on the radio that the FBI now suspect that the letter bombing at Yale is related to letter bombings in the late 70's. My first thought was, "My, that's a sad commentary on the Post Office." *** Three novices in a nunnery were in their nightly bull-session, and the conversation went to what might have happened if they had not decided to take holy orders. First novice: "I think I would have become a school teacher." The others said that was very nice; teaching children is important. Second novice: "I would have liked to be a nurse." That's also a fine, useful profession, said the others. Third novice: "I think I would have become a prostitute." At this, the others gasped and fainted dead away! When the third novice revived the others, she apologized for shocking them so. "I shouldn't have come out so suddenly to say I would have become a prostitute." "Oh", said the others, "a prostitute. We thought you said protestant." *** An Aussie journalist was in New Zealand doing stories where he saw a Kiwi farmer doing unnatural things with a sheep. He approached the Kiwi and firstly asked, "What sort of sheep is that?". He scribbled down the farmer's reply - "a Merino". The next question was, "Do you shear them?". The farmer replied hastily "No! Go and find yer own!" *** Heard David Horowitz tell this one last night as he was interviewing a condom expert: Q: Did you hear that Jim Bakker was going to start a new magazine with his ex-wife Tammy Fay? A: It's called Repenthouse. *** Soviet army strategic missile regiment is waiting for general from Moscow headquarters. Ewerything, including missiles, is repainted. One soldier was to repaint the missile witout a ladder or something like that. He took a jar of pait and threw it, so the missile was well painted, but it was impossible to tane the empty jar from the top of the missile. General comes and looks at the regiment, sud- denly he notices the jar on the top of one missile. He asks, in angry voice:"what's this?". The soldier, who did it, answered: "That's alpha-betta-gamma photone remover ABG-PR12, comrade general!" "I see that it is the ABG-PR12, but why is it not painted ?" *** Whats the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft ? Ones a high tech theme park dominated by Dinosaurs and the other is a steven spielberg film. *** The President and Mrs. Clinton recently attended a baseball game, where the President was asked to throw out the first baseball. So, after the national anthem, Bill picked up Mrs. Clinton and promptly threw her out onto the field. The Secret Service agent standing next to the president was amazed, and told the confused president "Sir! I think you misunderstood! They wanted you to throw out the first *PITCH!*" *** Seen on the sign outside the Burger King on Green Street in Champaign, IL last May: ______________________ | GOOD LUCK UI GRADS | | | | HELP WANTED | ______________________ *** The other day my wife, son and I were at the beach. Lucas, at 2.5 years, is generally very good about being courteous and careful with other people. Like any child his age however, he occasionally has lapses. On this occasion he winged a frisbee at my wife. After he did so I prompted him for the usual gosh-I-really-had-no-idea "Sorry." Me: "Lucas, what do you say when you almost hit someone with something?" Lucas: "Duck!" *** Someone sent me the first 3 lines after being overjoyed at getting back onto the net, and the rest just kind of fell into place. Sung to the tune of "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits (perhaps a better title would be 'ls -straits'). >I want my >I want my >I want my FTP Now look at them yo-yo's that's the way you do it You get the files from the FTP That ain't programming, that's the way you do it Programs for nothing and the code is free Now that ain't programming, that's the way you do it Let me tell you those guys aren't pissed Maybe break a nail on your little finger, Maybe get some numbness in your wrist We've got to install operating systems Custom software delivery We've got to move these manual pages RTFM those RFCs See the little user with his gifs and the jpegs Yeah buddy he's got root That little user got his own workstation That little user got his own disk to boot We've got to install operating systems Custom software delivery We've got to move these manual pages RTFM those RFCs I should've learned to run xarchie I should've learned to play them games Look at that mama, her gif is sticking in the monitor Man we could have some fun And he's up there, what's that? Orgasm noises? Playing sound files like a grade-school geek That ain't programming that's the way you do it Get your programs for nothing get your code for free We've got to install operating systems Custom software delivery We've got to move these manual pages RTFM those RFCs Now that ain't programming, that's the way you do it You get your programs from the FTP That ain't programming that's the way you do it Programs for nothing and your code for free Programs for nothing and code for free *** Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1993 07:23:54 -0400 From: klassa@aurxcc.aur.alcatel.com (John M. Klassa) To: adam@vlsi.cs.caltech.edu, alan@aafbox.bntley.ingr.com, bach@gumby.larc.nasa.gov, wrenn@chewy.larc.nasa.gov Subject: radio doodz I was listening to 93.9 WZZU this morning... They host the "John Boy & Billy Big Show" morning show. Anyway, they were talking about pet names for their wives, and one guy's was "booger." The other guy says, "yeah, it's because he picked her." The first guy comes back with, "no, it's because the first time, I rubbed her on the couch." I nearly wrecked my car, I was laughing so hard... Yeesh. Happy Friday. ***