The following article is taken from the New Hampshire Business Review under the category of lawyers. This was one of Richard Lederer's columns on Looking at Language. Original date unknown. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips' by Richard Lederer Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings. Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word: Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No. Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it. Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? A. Four times. Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. Q. Were you aquainted with the decedent? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died? Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. Q. What happened then? A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q. Did he kill you? A. No. Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child: Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. *** Recently, Rumman went to a car stereo store and told the salesman that he would like to get a radio for his car. The salesman thought for a moment and said "That's a fair deal..." Q: How do you double the value of Rumman's car? A: Fill it with gas. *** A GUIDE TO LOVE AND SEX FOR TODAY'S YOUNG WOMEN As a young, modern women of the nineties, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank "question and answer" format, noted sex therapist Dr Rut explains everythiong you've ever wondered about. Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ? A: This is a difficult question, since every woman probably has a different ideal of what her own personal Prince Charming should act and look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go to a bar ... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks interesting - it's bets to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your place. He'll advise you from there. Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right ? A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars. Q: Do men like aggresive women? A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be affraid to approach men on streetcorners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place. Q: What if a man's married ? A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable experience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of commitment. Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man ? A: This is a tough one, especially if you find yourself pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him and continue your relationship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters. Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ? A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact. Q: Should I have sex on the first date ? A: YES. Before if possible. Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q: How long should the sex act last ? A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarressed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleanig his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q: What is "afterplay" ? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q: Does the size of the penis matter ? A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should go down on yur knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift. Q: What about the female orgasm ? A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth. Q: Are you sure ? A: Will you stop asking so many questions ? Do you distrust men or something ? Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift. *** Every day, hundreds of hopefuls arrive in Hollywood, convinced that they have what it takes to be a famous actor or director. But after awhile, the smarter ones realize that there are other jobs in this town that hold the real challenges, the rea l creativity, the real power: They decide to move into such exciting jobs as agents, casting directors, publicists or security guards. But these ambitious dreamers must realize that these are specialized jobs, re quiring personalities and skill unique to each. Do you have what it takes? To find out your ideal job, read and answer the fo llowing questions. (And don't worry, if you can't read, there's still a place for you in Hollywood as a network programmer or development executive.) I'm walking down the street and an old woman next to me falls flat on her face. I wou ld: A) Help her up B) Try not to get involved, since she may want to sue somebody C) Grab her purse and run like the dickens The No. 1 priorities in the world are: A) AIDS and the environment B) Nielsens and weekend box office C) My needs When I see homeless people, I often wonder: A) What their lives are like B) What kind of sunblock they use C) How much it would cost to option their story for a heartwarming TV movie These are a few of my favorite things: A) Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens B) Personal fax machines and expense accounts C) Dropping names and not returning calls The film title that best describes my personal goals is: A) It's a wonderful life B) Faster Pussycat Kill Kill C) Masters of the Universe Conflict of interest is a touchy subject that Hollywood agencies and law firms should : A) Explore B) Fudge C) Ignore I want to impress someone by taking them to a trendy restaurant, but when trying to m ake reservations, I'm told it's full. I would: A) Call one of the many other fine restaurants in the city B) Whine C) Call back, make reservations in Jerry Seinfeld's name, go to the restaurant, and t ell the waiter that we'll start our dinner while waiting for Jerry to join us when he finishes filming I enjoyed Jurassic Park but feel the film would have benefited from more: A) Logical plot and character development B) Principal characters getting eaten by dinosaurs C) Hype I've been expecting a phone call from an important person. When they phone, I would: A) Immediately pick up the phone and thank them for calling B) Leave them holding a few minutes, to indicate how busy I am C) Tell them I'll call them back, then throw away the phone number, just to show them who's boss My darkest secret wish: A) Is to see "The Jeffersons 'Movin' On Up Tour'" on stage B) Involves Barney the dinosaur, a broom and a can of Redi-Whip C) I've already acted out all my darkest secret wishes The most significant thing about my college years was: A) Being exposed to new people, new thoughts, new environments B) Beer busts C) Cheating on the final of my ethics class Scoring: Give yourself 10 points for each A) answer, 20 points for each B) answer and 30 points for each C) answer. Evaluation: 110-120 points: You are a person of rare warmth, intelligence and insight; you are be st suited to be a world leader, missionary or a columnist for a trade paper. 120-150 points: You have a human touch, yet a good grip on reality; I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you would make an ideal studio secretary. 160-240 points: You have wavering morals and a strong sense of your own needs; in oth er words, agency work is for you. 250-330 points: Your unsrupulousness goes beyond the imagination of most people in Ho llywood; you should immediately enroll in law school. *** From: Christopher F Moriak Subject: Education in Rockingham Co. Va. To: leskom@vaxa.cna.org (Mark J. Lesko) Date: Tue, 10 Aug 93 21:10:20 EDT True Story: (AP) Last week in Elkton, Va. (just miles from JMU), a 43 yr old man was riding his bicycle. Suddenly, he came across a snake in the road. He got off his bicycle to investigate. The snake turned out to be a rattle snake. The snake bit the man when he picked it up. The man the rode 1/2 mile to the neighbor's house to show the snake. The neighbor was not in and in the meantime the snake had bitten the man a second time. He then rode another 1/2 mile to the next house. Where upon the snake bit him a third time. At this, the man bit the head off the snake. The doctors at Rockingham County Memorial Hospital said he was lucky to be alive after 5 snake bites. Five?? The man had bites his tongue and lip that occurred when he attempted to bite the head off. When asked why he bit the head off, the man replied: "The snake bit me first!." Columbus Dispatch *** It's early morning in the city. A rich gay is walking up a little street, where a poor old homeless tramp is lying in an alcohol-induced, comatose sleep. The tramp is so poor he has no belt to hold is pants up, and the gay is quite aroused by the sight. The streets are empty, no one around, so the gay seizes the opportunity and sodomizes the tramp. After he satisfies his urge, the gay feels remorseful and put a $50 bill in the tramp's hand. A few hours later, the tramp wakes up, discovers the money, crosses the street to the local ABC store and buys several bottles of whisky. He drinks for the rest of the day and drops down asleep at the same place as he woke up. The next morning, the same gay finds the tramp again, sodomizes him and puts another $50 bill in his hand. Later the tramp wakes up, finds the money and buys another gallon of whisky. He drinks and falls asleep in the same place. The morning after, same gay, same act, same money. The tramp goes to the ABC store with his money, and the storekeeper asks him : "Whisky again today, Joe?""Nah," the tramp answers, "give me beer instead today. Your whisky really burns my ass." *** Heard a good joke on FM99 the other day about the Chevez and Wittiker fight. A woman wants tickets for the fight, which are difficult to get. She offers to show her tatoos of Chevez and Wittiker to a scalper (who is a 99 year old man). She has one on the inside of each thigh. The old man says OK. She shows them to him and he replies, "those are great but the one of Don King in the center is outstanding." *** From klassa@aurxcc.aur.alcatel.com Tue Sep 21 12:55:11 1993 To: adam@vlsi.cs.caltech.edu, wrenn@chewy.larc.nasa.gov Subject: X-Mts: smtp ------- Forwarded Message Return-Path: browna To: klassa, buehler Subject: some sickies for you! Date: Thu, 16 Sep 93 17:47:58 -0400 From: browna X-Mts: smtp - ------- Forwarded Message Return-Path: <@mail.uunet.ca:Carolyn@oti> Received: from oti by mail.uunet.ca with UUCP id <101176(2)>; Thu, 16 Sep 1993 17:42:04 -0400 Received: by oti.on.ca (ENVY/Mailer?); Thu, 16 Sep 1993 17:16:28 EST Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1993 18:16:28 -0400 From: "Carolyn MacLeod" Message-Id: Organization: Object Technology International, Inc. To: Subject: FWD: "FWD: "Some odd Emu Phillips quotations" from " from Nick - - --------------------cut here--------------------- I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them. The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said "Well what else would I want it for?" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. I'm a great lover... I bet. I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said 'If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference' A friend of mine gave me a philip glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it. (just in case you aren't familiar with philip glass, his stuff is very repetitive) At my lemonade stand i used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. - ------- End of Forwarded Message ------- End of Forwarded Message Doctors from various countries are sitting around, swapping stories. The doctor from Lithuania says, "We can do a liver transplant, and in 6 weeks, the guy is out looking for a job." The Russian doctor, not to be outdone, says, "Well, we in Russia can do a heart transplant, and in 4 weeks, the guy is out looking for a job." The British doctor chimes in and says, "That's nothing -- in England, we can do a double lung transplant, and in 2 weeks, the guy is out looking for a job." The American doctor, unshaken, says, "Yeah, well, in America, we can transplant an asshole from Arkansas to D.C. & in 2 _days_, half the country is out lookin' for a job..." *** I like Clinton jokes, but I find the truth even funnier. In last Friday's *Washington Post* (Oct. 1, 1993) they had an article about the Bobbitt Weave and the Clinton Health Care Plan (no kidding). The "Bobbitt Weave" is the attempt to reattach a severed penis. The article went like this: "White House senior staffers gathered recently in the Oval Office to discuss which medical procedures would be covered under the administration's health care reform proposal. The conversation went this way, according to several sources: "`Mr. President, will the operation be covered?' Vice President Algore asked. "`What?' President Clinton replied. "`You know, the operation.' "`What are you talking about, Al?' Clinton persisted. "`You know, the, ah, penile reattachment,' Gore deadpanned as the room erupted in laughter. "`I'll check,' Clinton said, picking up the telephone. `Honey?' Clinton said into the phone, explaining that Algore wanted to know if the health plan would cover the medical costs of the Virginia man whose wife severed his penis. "Clinton held the phone up so the others in the room could hear the laughter at the other end from Hillary Rodham Clinton. After a moment's deliberation with the First Lady, the preliminary determination was that one could argue that having a penis was a pre-existing condition and therefore covered by the plan as corrective - rather than cosmetic - surgery." This IS in the Washington Post. If you don't believe me, check it out for yourself. Here are a few old Jay Leno jokes: Before the election Bill Clinton promised to raise taxes on everyone making more than $200,000. After the election Bill Clinton accepts a job that pays *exactly* $200,000. When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors. The Sentate is trying to determine if Robert Packwood can be expelled for telling just one lie. Well, if that's the standard, Bill Clinton could get the death penalty. *** From dobbin@tma.com Wed Oct 20 15:29:13 1993 Subject: Apples To: adam@vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (Adam Rifkin [WM BJ]), kendall.bullen@glib.org (Kendall Bullen [WM BJ]), bilge@maxim.com (Filippo Morelli [WM]) Mailer: Elm [revision: 66.25] Thought you might enjoy the following either because you seem to like Macintoshes, or because I believe everything that leaves my computer should end up on yours. In case you care, it's from the July 1993 issue of LAN magazine. I don't normally read this, but it's been sitting on my desk for months, and since we had a power outage today, I finally had a chance to catch up on some reading. John He spotted her from across the plane. Sitting a mere two rows ahead, she was the ultimate woman of his dreams. She had flowing blond hair, gorgeous, well-tanned skin, a pearly white smile, and, most importantly, she had the quintessential travel essential -- a Macintosh. With her PowerBook 180 perched on her tray-table, he watched in marvel as her mango-tinted fingernails floated gracefully across the keyboard, creating a masterful spreadsheet. She had treated herself with this high-end model of the PowerBook, he thought, splurging for more power, the high-res display, and the math coprocessor. He began to sweat. Throughout the flight, he dreamed of them spending time together on The Island, fishing, swimming, dancing, spending the evenings talking only of LocalTalk (or did she prefer EtherTalk?) while sharing some fresh, grilled Mahi-Mahi on the beach as the orange Hawaiian sun set over the cresting waves of the horizon. He couldn't stand it any longer. Only one hour until Honolulu. He really wanted to see her After Dark, and he didn't have much time. For once in his life, he was thankful for Bill Gates -- Microsoft Mail could make his dreams come true. He spotted her infrared adapter, flickering like warm embers above her screen. He fired up his own infrared; eager anticipation now had to be transformed into some serious messaging. With his Chooser, he could choose her, and the rest would be history. Maybe. Out goes the message, direct and to the point: Hello, gorgeous 17D. This is 19A. Let's share some RAM over some rum. How about it? After anxious seconds that lasted for hours, back comes the response. Drop Dead If only getting a date were as simple as impromptu PowerBook networking. Bob was a decent guy, generous, outgoing, and fairly good-looking, but for one thing. He'd been in a serious car accident, and they hadn't been able to save his right eye. To complicate matters, his insurance didn't spare him enough money for a glass eye; rather than leave an empty socket, he elected to make one of wood. Well-painted, it suited him as well as a wooden eye could. But it still kind of spooked people. One day, Bob's school had a little mixer. He spent the night standing against the wall, as he always did at these things, while people said hello and smiled, but never asked him to dance. Just as he started asking himself, as he always did, why he ever bothered coming to these things, he saw her. She was beautiful, radiant even in the dim flashing red-and-blue lights. Amazingly, she, too, looked as though she was holding up the wall. Wondering why on Earth anyone in the school would leave her alone, he took a second look and noticed, peeking out from beneath the hem of her dress, the tip of a false leg next to the real one. Unable to understand why this should scare anyone off, he summoned up his courage and crossed the room. She turned to smile at him shyly. "Excuse me," he gulped, "would you like to dance?" A flush of excitement crossed her cheek. "Would I? *WOULD* I?" Outraged, he screamed, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!" and ran out of the dance hall. *** WHY ASK WHY? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? *** > Diary of a Reservations Agent > WHEN BELLS ARE RINGING -- DUCK! > By Jonathan Lee > > After 130,000 conversations--all ending with "Have a nice day > and thanks for calling"--I think it's fair to say I'm a survivor. > I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know > the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military > recruits WHO didn't trust their little soldiers to get it > right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle > the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he > wouldn't have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to > know why she had to change clothes on our flight between > Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd have to make a change > between the two cities) and from the man who asked if I'd like to > discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of > Habeeb. In five years, I've received more than a boot camp > education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our > American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every > region of the country, economic status, ethnic background and > level of education. My battles have included everything from a > man not knowing how to spell the name of the city he was from to > another not recognizing the name "Iowa" as being a state, to > another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to > fly to West Virginia. They are the enemy, and they are > everywhere. In the history of the world, there has never > been as much communication and new things to learn as today. > Yet, after asking a woman from New York what city she wanted to go > to in Arizona, she asked, "Oh... is it a big place?" I talked to > a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in > Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in > the South ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who > asked, "Instead of paying for your ticket, can I just donate > that money to the National Cancer Society?" and a man in Dallas > who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay > phone he was calling from. I knew a full invasion was on the way > when, shortly after signing on, a man asked me if we flew to Exit > 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to > area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front > when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean > it's arriving or departing?" I remembered the strict training I > had just received--four weeks of regimented classes on airline > codes, computer technology and telephone behavior--and it > allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were told, > "it's a real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're > gonna hear things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll > try to explain stuff to your friends that you don't even > believe yourself, and just when you think you've heard it all, > someone will ask if then can get a free roundtrip ticket to > Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'" Well, Sarge was > right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman > who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, N.Y. After assuring her that > there was no such place, she became irate and said it was a big > city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany > or Syracuse. It wasn't. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. > "Buffalo," she said, "I knew it was a big animal!" Then I crawled > out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried > to catch our flight to Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of > Maconga and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did > and to prove it showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. Now I've done > nothing during my conversational confrontations to indicate > that I couldn't understand English. But after quoting the > ROUNDTRIP fare the passenger JUST ASKED FOR he'll always ask: > "...Is that ROUNDTRIP?" But I've survived to direct the lost, > correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S. geography > and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of > American cities. I have been told things like, "I can't go > stand-by for your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been > asked such questions as: "I have a connecting flight to > Knoxville. Does that mean the plane sticks to something?" And > once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked what city > he wanted go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio." After > 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of > the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what > the next move "by them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have > anything to write with or on. Half will have not thought > about when they're returning. A third won't know where they're > going. A few won't care if they get back. And James will be the > first name of half the men who call. But even if James doesn't > care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he can't > spell, pronounce or remember what city he's returning to, he'll > get there because I've worked very hard to make sure that he > can. Then with a click in the phone, he'll become a part of my > past and I'll be hoping that the next caller at least knows what > day it is. Oh, and James... "Thanks for calling and have a nice > day." > > > >From Travel Weekly September 16, 1985 *** > Jonathan Lee is a Nashville, Tenn.-based reservations agent and > writer of television commercial jingles. This article > originally appeared in the Washington Post. *** I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them. The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way." Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said "Well what else would I want it for?" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks. I'm a great lover... I bet. I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!" The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said 'If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference' A friend of mine gave me a philip glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it. (just in case you aren't familiar with philip glass, his stuff is very repetitive) At my lemonade stand i used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. *** One evening, this guy was walking through the upstairs of his house when he hears his young son saying his Bedtime Prayers: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, Gob Bless Grandma, God Bless Grandpa, Goodbye Uncle Ed." "Goodbye Uncle Ed?", thought the guy, "What could the kid have meant by that?" Well the next day, they got a phone call; seems old Uncle Ed up and took a heart attack. Killed him deader than hell. "Hmm... " thought the guy. "How about that." A few months later, the guy hears his son praying again: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa." Sure enough, the next day Grandpa was crossing the street when he got hit by a bus. Never knew what hit him. "Well," said our hero, "This kid is two for two." A few weeks later he hears the kid a third time: "God bless Mommy, God bless Grandma, Goodbye Daddy." The guy is alarmed! "Oh my God! This is it! I'm finished! It is the end of the line! The fat lady has sung! It's all over!" So he went to bed that night, but didn't sleep too well. The next morning he looks out the window and sees the sun coming up on a beautiful day and says "Ah, what the Hell, might as well go out in a blaze of glory." He hops in his car, tears down the street a 90 miles per hour, running over a motorcycle cop along the way. He goes into his office, empties all his desk drawers on the floor, throws papers everywhere, goes in and cusses out his boss and pinches the secretary on the ass as he walks out the door. Then he goes down to the local bar, orders a round for the house, and procedes to get schnockered. Well, three o'clock in the afternoon rolls around, and he is still there. At four o'clock he orders another drink and waits. At five o'clock he starts to panic. "What am I going to do? I'm in trouble with the cops, I don't have a job, and I've got this $1000 bar tab. Let's hurry up and get this over with!" Finally at six o'clock, he gets in his car and slowly drives home. He goes into his house and plops himself down on the couch. His wife walks in, and he says "Honey, I had a really bad day." His wife says "You think you had a bad day? I went outside this morning and found the mailman dead on the front porch!" ***