Procrastinator's Creed 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized. *** A man walks into a bar with a [insert your favorite breed of dog] and asks for a martini. The dog requests a double martini. The bartender says to the man "So you're a ventriloquist. Big deal. We don't serve dogs in here." The man gets up to go to the men's room and the dog again requests his drink. The bartender is amazed. "My god, you can talk. Will you do a favor for me?" The dog replies "what's in it for me?" The bartender goes to cash register and takes out $20 bill. "Here's $20. Go across the street to Riley's bar and tell the guys in there that they are a bunch of wimps and that our softball team will whip their asses when we play this weekend." The dog goes out. His owner returns and asks "where's Rover?" the bartender says "He went across the street to do me a favor." The owner is visibly upset and says "I don't let Rover out alone!" The dog's owner leaves immediately to retrieve Rover. but Rover is not across the street. He is in the gutter in front of the bar going at it fast and hard with a bitch dog. The owner is amazed. "Rover, what's come over you? You've never done anything like this before." Rover responds "I never had money before." *** An Arabian philosopher was once at the court of a certain king, who was as much distinguished for his injustice as his depotism. This king, agreeably to his characteristic features, was desirous of irritating the sage by some of his insults. To this end he positively affirmed that, in the infernal regions was a "mill for the sole purpose of grinding the heads of the learned;" and then demanded of the venerable philosopher, if it was not so, He, in his turn, replied with a firmness and dignity worthy of the highest eulogium, "Yes; but it is the blood of tyrants which makes the mill turn." (The United States Almanac for 1799) Source: Robert K. Dodge (1987) (collector and editor). Early American Almanac Humor. Bowling Green State University Press. *** SPOILAGE TABLE How to Tell When Foodstuffs Should Be Discarded THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night. EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled-- or wrecked, anyway-- by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. WINE It should not taste like salad dressing. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone off. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average lifespan of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. table shamelessly stolen from _The Bachelor Home Companion_ by P. J. O'Rourke *** "The Kurt Cobain Internet FMJ" -- Frequently Made Jokes --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Edited by Ryan "Prophet Zarquon" Ozawa (ozawa@uhunix.uhcc.Hawaii.Edu) Last Updated 22 April 1994 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Q: What does Kurk Corbain and the group Nine Inch Nails have in common? A: A Head Like A Hole! 2. Q: Why could Cobain never become a professional boxer? A: Because apparently, he can't take a blow to the head. 3. Overheard: "Kurt Cobain just reached nirvana!" 4. Q: What does Kurt Cobain smell like now? A: I don't know but it's sure not Teen Spirit. 5. Have you seen the new MTV show? "Kurt Cobain: Plugged." 6. Q: What do JFK, Curt Cobain, and Bill Clinton all have in common? A: They each have (or have had - in JFK's case) half a brain, and Gore on their backs. 7. And for all of you from Washington: Q: What do Cobain and Wesley Alan Dodd have in common? A: "Hey man. Just shut up and be glad they're dead." 8. Q: What do Kurt Cobain and Freddie Mercury have in common? A: They both sucked a tube and died. 9. Overheard: "Did you hear Courtney Love (Kurt's widow) is renaming her band -- 'Hole' -- in Kurt's honor? It's now called 'Hole -- in the Head.'" 10. Q: Who makes less money than Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic? A: Kurt Cobain 11. Q: What's the last thing that went through his mind when he pulled the trigger? A: His nose! A2: The wad. A3: About 8 ounces of lead shot. A4: "Shit, I thought this was a microphone!" A5: "Let's see Eddie top this!" 12. Internet compilation on what songs to put on a "Kurt Cobain Memorial" tribute album (and the list keeps going, and going, and...): 1. Alive - Pearl Jam 2. Shotgun Blues - Guns n' Roses 3. Gun Love -- ZZTop 4. Big Gun -- AC/DC 5. Overblown -- Mudhoney 6. Bullet in your Head -- Rage Agaist the Machine 7. Happiness is a Warm Gun -- The Beatles (or the Breeders' cover) 8. I Hate Myself and Want to Die - Nirvana (Was this, like, a *big* hint or what?) 8a. Lithium -- Nirvana 9. See You In Hell (Don't Be Late) -- Yngwie Malmsteen 10. I Shot the Devil -- Suicidal Tendencies 10a. War Inside my Head -- Suicidal Tendencies 10b. Suicidal Failure -- Suicidal Tendencies 10c. Suicide's an Alternative -- Suicidal Tendencies 11. Kill Yourself -- S.O.D. 12. Suicide Solution - Ozzy Osbourne 12a. Shot in the Dark - Ozzy Osbourne 13. Don't Try Suicide -- Queen 13a. Another One Bites the Dust -- Queen (Hey Kurt say "Hi" to Freddie for us!) 14. Suicide Chump -- Frank Zappa 14a. Are You Upset -- Frank Zappa 14b. My Guitar Wants to Kill your Mama -- Frank Zappa 15. Rock 'N Roll Suicide -- David Bowie 16. Head Like a Hole -- Nine Inch Nails 16a. Terrible Lie -- Nine Inch Nails 18. Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead! from the Wizard of OZ 19. Surprise, You're Dead -- Faith No More 20. I'm a Loser -- The Beatles 21. Sympathy from the Devil -- The Stones 22. Pinball Wizard -- The Who (He was dumb to kill himself, and now he's deaf and blind.) 23. The Four Horsemen -- Metallica 23a. To Live is to Die -- Metallica 23b. Frayed Ends of Sanity -- Metallica 24. Countdown To Extinction -- Megadeth 24a. Psychotron -- Megadeth 24b. Symphony of Destruction -- Megadeth 25. Soy un Perdido -- Beck 26. What a Wonderful World -- Louis Armstrong (?!) 27. One Way Out -- Allman Brothers 28. Hymn 43 -- Jethro Tull 29. Break on Through -- The Doors 29a. The End -- The Doors 30. Nobody Knows When You're Down and Out -- Traditional Blues 30a. Trouble in Mind -- Traditional Blues 31. Satisfy my Soul -- Bob Marley 31a. I Shot the Sherrif -- Bob Marley 32. Shotgun Blues -- The Scorchers 33. Shotgun -- Duran Duran 34. Suicide Blonde -- INXS 13. Q: What will Nirvana's next album be? A: "Nomoremind." A2: "Splattermind." A3: "Post Mortem" (followup to "In Utero") 14. Q: What will be on the next Nirvana album? A: Smells Like Gunsmoke A2: Smells Like Kurt's Dead A3: Smells Like a Rotting Corpse A4: Kurt Shaped Box A5: In Bloom: A Tribute to Kurt's Head 15. Q: What's the new lead singer of Nirvana called? A: Kurt Nobrain. 17. Heard on Howard Stern: Q: What color were Kurt Cobain's eyes? A: Blue. One blew this way, one blew that way. 18. Overheard: "I guess he really *was* a headbanger!" 19. "And I swear that I don't have a gun, no I don't have a gun." --- Come As You Are, Nirvana Well, he sure fooled us, didn't he? 20. Q: Why doesn't Kurt Cobain drive a car? A: He'd rather ride shotgun. 21. A limeric: There once was a man named Cobain. He liked heroin in his vein. Even with a hot wife, Kurt was bummed with his life, And all that is left is a stain! 22. Q: What's worse than Kurt Cobain offing himself? A: Having to hear about it for the next 12 months. 23. Q: How do you know Kurt Cobain is committing suicide? A: His nostrils are flared. 24. The rumour said that Kurt was listing to the radio, and there was a tune on it. It was going like this: "Have an hair cut and get a real job!" So, kurt decided to blow his hair, but because of his long bangs he picked a Magnum .44 instead of a brush. Unfortunately, he also missed an hair... He didn't miss his bang. That was a close shave! (Well, we know he *wasn't* listening to Def Leppard's "Don't Shoot Shotgun...") 25. Q: Did you hear that there is a new drink called the "Cobain"? A: It's some pills and champagne followed by a shot. 26. Q: Did you hear? Kurt Cobain committed suicide! A: Now that was a *real* no-brainer. 27. True story: Julianna Hatfield recalled once contemplating suicide. She then heard a Nirvana song, and changed her mind. Her own lyrics tell the story (song title?): "Here comes the song, I love it so much. Makes me wanna go fuck shit up! I've got Nirvana in my head -- I'm so glad I'm not dead." Gotta love that irony. 28. Overheard: "Even without Cobain, the grunge-scene carries on. as proof, plans are in the works for the first grunge-industry motion picture: 'Dead Mean do wear Plaid.' 29. Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Kurt Cobain? A: Are you gonna eat that? 30. Overheard: "Record sales of Nirvana albums are doing brisk business thanks to Kurt Cobain's suicide, even though some of his best fans might not be so clear on why he's so big all of a sudden. One little boy had asked a record store owner what "suicide" meant, to which the merchant answered, "Well, it's like... ventilating your head." 31. Another limerick: There once lived a young man named Kurt that did something that surely must hurt: Though detoxed off junk, He remained in a funk -- And all over his brains sure did spurt! 32. Q: What will it take to re-unite Nirvana? A: Three more bullets. 33. Q: Wait... who's the third bullet for? A: Uhhh... Courtney Love? One thing really amazes me about Kurt Cobain's suicide: Who would have ever thought *that* marriage would last a lifetime? Another random thought about his death: Richard Nixon and Kurt Cobain die within weeks of each other. **COINCIDENCE?** I think not. E-mail any new jokes, or corrections (song titles, etc.) to: ozawa@uhunix.uhcc.Hawaii.Edu *** A Texan was on a driving tour of the Holy Land, and one afternoon found himself cruising through the Israeli desert. After a long stretch of dry, desolate country, he rounded a bend and spied a small, neat farmhouse surrounded by lush, green fields. Being hot and thirsty, the Texan pulled off the road and knocked on the farmhouse door. When the farmer answered and discovered a visitor from America, he insisted that the Texan enter, sit, have a cold drink and some fresh fruit, and talk for a while. As they chatted, the Texan became curious about life out in the middle of the desert. He asked "How do you make a living way out here?". The farmer replied that he did quite nicely, raising his crops and selling them in town. "And how much land do you have?", the Texan inquired. "Why, rather a large amount", said the farmer, "perhaps 80 or 100 of your acres." The Texan gave a knowing smile and said "Son, back home in Texas, I get into my car before sunrise, and I don't reach the end of my land till long after dark. Now what do you think about that?". The farmer nodded knowingly and said "I used to have a car like that myself." From Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" *** Q: Here's the scene: you are a woman in bed, having the orgasm of your life, what is your asshole doing? A: Watching TV. Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? A: Say, we DO taste like chicken! Q: What are the differences among prostitutes, mistress's and wives? A: Prostitutes say, "Faster! Faster!" Mistresses say, "Slooower! Slooower!" Wives say, "Beige! We should definitely paint the ceiling Beige!" *** Mama Skunk was worried because she could never keep track of her children whosenames were In and Out. When In was in, Out was out; and when In was out, Out wain. One day she called Out to her and told him to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in no time at all he brought In in. Mama Skunk said "Very good, Out. How, in such a large forest did you manage to find In in such a shortime?" Out replied "Easy, Mama; In stinct." *** On the first night of their hunting trip together, a CPA, a lawyer and an engineer sat around the campfire talking and drinking until well into the night. The CPA suddenly said, "Watch this," threw his whiskey glass into the air, pulled out his gun and shot it before it fell to the ground. The lawyer, not to be out done, downed his brandy, threw the snifter into the air, pulled out his rifle and shot it before it hit the ground. The engineer slowly raised his shotgun, shot the CPA, Shot the lawyer, took a swig from his can of beer and muttered, "It doesn't get any better than this." *** A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?" "I would!" "And would you let her come into my house?" "I would!" "Would she be working in my kitchen?" "She would!" "Would she sleep in my bed?" "She would!" "Would she put her clothes in my press?" "She would!" "Would she have my Renault 4?" "She would!" "Would she use my golf clubs?" "DEFINITELY NOT!" "Why?" "She's left-handed!" *** Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson has a new book out? A: Ya, it's called "The In's and Out's of Young Boy Rearing." *** This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the back porch when the old lady reached over and knocked the old man out of his chair. The old man got up, sat back down in his chair and said "What was that for?". The old lady said "That was for 50 years of bad sex." A couple minutes later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady out of her chair. She got up and said "What was that for?" The old man said "That's for knowing the difference." *** Rules of Bedroom Fencing: I) Each fencer shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one sword and the proper protective gear. II) Play on the strip must be approved by the owner of the target. III) Unlike conventional fencing, the object is to impale the target. IV) For most effective play, the sword should have a firm, but not sharp, blade.The owner of the target is permitted to check the blade and protective equipment before play begins. V) Target owners reserve the right to restrict blade length to avoid damage to the target. VI) The object of the game is to lunge, recover, lunge, recover until the target owner is satisfied that enough touches have been scored. Failure to do so may result in a black card and being banned from the strip. VII) It is considered bad form to begin fencing immediately upon arrival at the strip.It is important to engage in certain exercise before fencing.The experienced fencer will check out the entire strip, paying close attention to any elevations present. VIII) Fencers are cautioned not to mention other strips they have or are currently fencing on to the strip owner.Broken blades and dented guards may result from angered strip owners. IX) It is very important for fencers to bring the proper protective gear, just in case. X) Fencers should assure themselves that their match is properly scheduled, particularly when fencing on a new strip for the first time. Previous fencers have been known to become irate if they discover someone else fencing on what they consider to be a private strip. XI) Fencers should not assume that all targets are eligible at all times.Some fencers may be embarrassed if they find the strip to be temporarily under repair.More advanced fencers will find alternative moves. XII) Fencers are advised to obtain strip owner's permission before lunging for the more advanced targets. XIII) Slow fencing is encouraged; however, fencers should be prepared to fence at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the strip owner's request. XIV) Fencers are reminded that foil and epee fencers may only use the tip of the blades, whereas sabre fencers are encouraged to use the whole length. XV) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to fence on the strip several times times in one meet. XVI) The strip owner will be the soul judge of who is the best fencer. Fencers are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given strip. Additional assessments may be levied by the strip owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many fencers prefer to continue to fence on several different strips. *** Husband: Who told you to put up that horrible wallpaper? Wallpaper-hanger: Your wife, sir. Husband: Oh. Lovely color, isn't it? *** When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" *** I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children". It was dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following: CAUTION: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. AVOID DRIVING A MOTOR VEHICLE OR PERFORMING TASKS REQUIRING MENTAL ALERTNESS. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargment of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate] I had to take it back - my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6 year old daughter couldn't take them. *** Butt-head's names for Beavis: Butt-munch Chode Monkey Spank Waste of Bum Wipe Dillweed Dillhole Turd wipe Butt-wipe Fartknocker *** "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" The reason for wearing ties is simple; ever since the demise of the cod-piece, the male of the species has worn a strip of cloth round his neck for the sole purpose of pointing out his dick to the female of the species. As for bow-ties... *** 1. Q: How do you know a baby is really ugly? A: The mother burps it with a baseball bat. 2. Q: Why is being gay like cigarette smoking? A: Either way, too many butts can kill you. 3. Q: Why did the naked Polish girl remove the mirror from her bathroom door? A: She saw a crack in it. 4. Q: Did you hear about the chicken with a yeast infection? A: It smelled fowl. 5. Q: How do you stop a leper from robbing you? A: You disarm him. 6. Q: What's the definition of "quack"? A: A perfect pwace to put a pwick. 7. Q: What do Polacks use for calculators? A: A giant hand with 1,000,000 fingers. 8. Q: What did one lesbian say to the other? A: "Your face or mine?" 9. Q: Did you hear about the Polish skydiver who fell to his death? A: His surfboard failed to open. 10. Q: What do you call a rabbit with diarrhea? A: Peter Rotten Tail. *** The Ass A poem by Allie Davidson, dedicate to Kate Cabot I really love my ass but it looks kinda funny. It likes to go outside when the weather's warm and sunny Sometimes when its lonely it makes a nasty sound. It gets rather fuzzy when the winter comes around. My ass it loves attention I brush it every day. People like to see it so I put it on display. But, I'd never sell my ass it's attached to me you see, but if you ask me nicely I'll loan it out for free. *** Resolution of the Council Board of Canton, Mississippi 1. Resolved by this council that we build a new jail 2. Resolved that the new jail be built from the materials of the old jail 3. Resolved that the old jail be used until the new jail is finished *** Timeless announcement The Zurich laboratory unveiled the world's fastest chip this week. The chip, code named "Timeless", is based on high temperature superconductors and is capable of transferring data signals faster than the speed of light. This makes it possible for a computer based on this chip to produce answers before questions are asked. Using this technology, the Hursley laboratory has been able to produce a program product before the user requirements were known. Industry analysts found the Hursley announcement humorous, citing that IBM has been writing program products without user requirements for years. Products created using the Hursley method are still expected to miss their ship dates due to the excessive length of the Fall and Spring planning cycles. The Communication Products Systems Test organization is using the same technology to test program products in zero days. Said a spokesperson in Raleigh, "It's amazing. Just preparing to test the software thoroughly causes it to be tested. It's like the system can read your mind." Oddly enough, planning experts in System Test are reporting that regardless of the productivity gains realized by the Timeless chip, the average test duration is expected to be nine months. There have been rumors of some odd side-effects of the Timeless chip. Some customers have been receiving products before they order them. Most customers we interviewed did admit that they were planning to order the new software when it arrived. They said that they liked the speed with which the products arrived, but they disliked IBM's new policy of billing them before they ordered anything. Said an IBM billing expert, "We knew they were going to think about ordering some software, so we thought we would think about billing them." IBM Service has made some exciting advances in hardware and software maintenance based on these side-effects. IBM Service worldwide has begun a free preventative maintenance program in which the IBM Customer Engineers think about fixing all the problems of every customer. Said an IBM Service representative, "The program is working very well. Service calls are down 99%. The only calls we are getting now are to fix hardware and software that haven't been invented yet." If you are thinking of ordering computer systems which use the Timeless chip, they can be ordered from IBM by calling 1-800-426-2486. Of course, if you have been thinking about ordering one, it is probably on its way to you right now. *** So there's a Russian guy sitting at a bar in Zambia when in walks a thirsty Dutch tourist with a hypodermic needle full of blood... "Buy me a beer Polak or I'll fill you full of HIV infected blood!!" "Go ahead, Kraut," said the Russian. The befuddled Dutchman stuck the needle in the Russian's side, sqeezed in the HIV infected blood and left the bar shaking his head. "The the barman leant over the bar and said, "You fuckin' crazy, mun, beer is cheap in Zambia, mun, now you die of AIDS, mun." "No problem," says the Russian leaning closer and winking,"I'm wearing a condom." *** Pol Pot catches a Brit, a Yank and a Plastic Yank (ie Canadian) fishing in the South China Sea and as a punishment he decides that each one should have a hundred fish hooks on fishing line stuffed up his ass. Then, when that was ready, they were to be hung upside down from a chopper and skimmed along the the tops of palm trees until the last one is dead. To show that he wasn't completely out of touch with his feminine side, Pot Pot granted each of the condemned a final request: "I WANNA MAKE A SPEECH!!" sputtered the American. "I'd just love a cup of tea," said the Briton. "I'd like to get started before the American gives the speech," wimpered the Canadian. *** Then there's the downtrodden Serbian farmer walking through his dried up fields and looking over his dying cattle, when suddenly, "oof," he trips over a magic lantern. The Serb rubs the lantern and "poof" out comes a genie, the genie of all Slavs, and says, "I grant you one wish, dear brother Slav!" The Serb looks around at his dead and dying animals and says,"I want all my neighbours cattle die, too." *** A man was driving down a county road one day, when he notices that there is a chicken pacing him on the far shoulder of the road. Not being in much of a hurry and this being a small road, he was only driving about 35 mph. Still though, he was a bit surprised, so he accelerated to 50 mph and was satisfied to see the bird slowly fall behind, and thought no more of it. That is, until a moment later he saw the chicken catching up to him. And then passing him. The man pressed on and was only barely keeping up with the chicken, when suddenly the chicken turned sharply down a drive. At this point, the man was quite amazed and followed the chicken down the drive to the farmhouse at the end, whereupon he met the farmer: "Did you see that chicken? It was running over 60 mph!", said the driver. "Yep. They're darned fast alright. I bred 'em myself." "What makes them so fast?" "They got three legs." "Three legs? How did they get three legs?" "Well, me and Ma and Jr. all love the drumstick the best, so last Fall I bred some fryers with 3 legs, so's we can each have one at supper." "Amazing! Are they good to eat?" "Don't know. Ain't caught one yet." *** There was a zoo keeper of a new zoo in New York. This zoo didn't have gorillas yet, so the zoo keeper sent his helper to go get three gorillas. The guy went to Africa and started asking where he could get gorillas for his zoo. He was pointed in the direction of one bar. He went in and asked where he could find gorillas, and the bartender told him to go see Joe. So this guy went to see Joe. He said he needed three gorillas for his zoo in New York. Joe says, "No problem, meet back here tomorrow at 5:00am, it will cost you $10,000 per gorilla." Guy said ok. The next day at 5:00 he showed up at the bar, and there was Joe in a truck with a guy sitting next to him with a gun, and a dog in the back. So they go out and see a gorilla in a tree. They stop, and Joe gets out with a bat in his hand. He climbs the tree up over the gorilla, and lets him have it. The gorilla is stunned by the blow, and falls out of the tree. When he hits the ground the dog jumps out, runs over and bites the gorilla in the balls. The gorilla is in such pain they just through him in the cage in the back of the truck. They contiue on, and see another gorilla in a tree. They stop, and Joe gets out with a bat in his hand. He climbs the tree up over the gorilla, and lets him have it. The gorilla is stunned by the blow, and falls out of the tree. When he hits the ground the dog jumps out, runs over and bites the gorilla in the balls. The gorilla is in such pain they just through him in the cage in the back of the truck. The guy from the zoo just can't belive it. He tells Joe, "Man this is great, how did you learn this." Joe said it was a secret. The man said, "This is great and all, but $10,000 is a lot of money. What do you do with it all. Joe said, "well, 30% for me, 30% for the dog, and 30% for my friend." The man said, "alright, I can see paying you the money, and maybe even the dog, but this other guy hasn't done a thing yet." Joes said, "oh his job very important, trust me." Ok, so they contiue on, and they come upon a huge old gorilla. They stop, Joe gets out, climbs the tree, and takes a swing a the gorilla. But this gorilla is old and wise, he ducks. Joe misses, losses his balance and falls. When he hits the ground, he yells, "John, shoot the fucking dog." *** Several recent studies have reported that Americans simply aren't learning much science in school. That doesn't particularly bother me, because I know they *are* getting lots of good, reliable scientific information from a number of places. Like television, _Newsweek_, the _Enquirer_, cereal boxes, their hairdressers, and so forth. So who says science isn't getting across to the public? Here's some things people recently have told me they know about science. The greenouse effect is here and is already melting the polar icecap. By next year palm trees will be growing in Canada, beach boys will be hanging 10 off the coast of Nevada, and Cleveland, of all places, will suddenly become a nice place to live. There are only three California gray whales left in existence, and they somehow got caught in an ice hole in Alaska. Only a huge investment of time, money, and media coverage kept the species from becoming extinct. Geraldo Rivera is the frightening result of a genetic engineering project gone awry. (This one may be true.). There's a hole in the ozone layer aproximately the size of Roseanne Barr that was caused by hairspray. It's how UFO's get to Earth. A brand-new radioactive gas has been found in basements. It's called radon and it causes cancer in a matter of weeks and worse, plays hell with resale values. Isaac Newton plays lead guitar for Guns 'n Roses (this from a high school student). The Japanese and French are building incredibly fast levitating trains that have really super conductors on them. All scientists cheat on their data, on their spouses, and on their income taxes. Only Congress - whose members never cheat on their data, their spouses, or their taxes - can put a stop to all this. *** Language Quiz Name two common English words that came from Dutch. ANSWER: Accept any of these words, which all entered English while the American colonists were interacting with the Dutch who settled New York: Boss Caboose Landscape Cookie Waffle Cole Slaw Poppycock Sleigh Trek Snoop Spook By the way, poppycock- the mildest of expletives in English- is a word that should NOT be used in polite Dutch company. In Dutch, it means soft manure. EXTRA CREDIT: Use several of these words in a sentence, as in: ``My boss eats so many cookies and waffles that she has a caboose that covers the whole landscape.'' *** EXPENSE ACCOUNT FOR JULY / AUGUST JUL 1 Ad for female secretary 3.50 JUL 2 Violets for new secretary 2.00 JUL 8 Week's salary for new secretary 100.00 JUL 9 Roses for secretary 15.00 JUL 11 Candy for wife 1.25 JUL 13 Lunch with secretary 9.00 JUL 15 Week's salary for secretary 125.00 JUL 16 Movie tickets (Self & Wife) 2.50 JUL 18 Theatre tickets (Self & Secretary) 20.00 JUL 19 Milkshake for wife .50 JUL 22 Virginia's salary 150.00 JUL 23 Champagne and dinner for Ginny 8.60 AUG 29 Doctor 500.00 AUG 30 Fur coat for wife 3,200.00 AUG 31 Ad for male secretary 3.50 -------- $ 4,180.85 *** One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture. Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher. She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowlegde." Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first words from a man with infinite wisdom. He said, "It would of been wiser to take the money..." *** A man desperate for money decides to go to the local blood bank where he will be paid $10 for a pint of blood. At the blood bank he notices that there are two lines, one of which is twice as long as the other. He does some checking and finds out that the longer line is for the sperm bank next door and they're getting paid $15. Of course he chooses the longer line. After waiting in line for a few minutes he notices a woman standing in the same line. "Excuse me", he says "but are'nt you in the wrong line lady?" The woman turns to him and, while pointing at her mouth and shaking her head (no), says "mmmm, mmmmm, mmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm!" *** The Washington Post's Style Invitational Challenge for 5/8/94: The winners and also rans for an Epitaph for the still living: 6th place: Kevin Cosner: Dancing with worms. 5th place: Mark Rypien: We mourn his passing. * 4th place: Here lays Heidi Fleiss. 3rd place: Andy Rooney: Have you ever noticed how stuffy it is when you're six feet under? You'd think that coffins would have a ventilation system or something. And another annoying thing about being dead ... Winner: ################################# # R I P # # Ross Perot # # # # L E | + # # I X | + # # F P | + # # E E | + # # C | + # # T | + # # A | + # # N | + # # C | + # # Y | + # # | + # # |_________________________# # AGE # # # # It's Simple. # # Do the Math! # # # ################################# Honorable mentions: Henny Youngaman -- No, I said take my WIFE! Jack Kevorkian -- I did it my way. Al Gore -- Biodegrade in peace. Al Gore -- Hmmm. Better check. Anybody got a mirror? Any DC Resident -- No radio in Coffin. Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton -- Beloved cookie making First Lady who stood by her man and right now is turning over in her grave. Michael Jordan -- b.1963, d.2051; NHL MVP 2036-2037. Ronald Reagan -- we are eternally in his debt. Here lies Madonna -- Necrophiliacs welcome (2 separate entries for this) Who was the host on Jeopardy? *** One - Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it! Two - Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference! Three - Observe everything; admire nothing Four - It's easier to obtain forgiveness than it is permission! Five - Rarely resist the opportunity to keep your mouth shut! Six - Don't ask the question if you cannot live with the answer! Seven - If you want a new idea, read an old book! Eight - If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there Nine - Never have a philosphy which supports a lack of courage! Ten - Never look back unless you intend to go that way! Eleven - Better to arrive in Heaven late than Hell on time! *** Q. What did the one pedophile say to the other? A. Got two fives for a ten? *** If the bear follows you up the tree and eats you, it's a black bear. If the bear knocks the tree over and eats you, it's a grizzly bear. *** Adam was walking through the Garden of Eden when God said to him, "Adam, how would you like to have a woman to keep you company?" Adam said, "That sounds ok God, but what's a woman?" God replies, "A woman is a beautiful creature who cooks for you, cleans for you, does your laundry, worships the ground you walk on, never talks back, never nags and has sex at the drop of a hat!" Adam says, "Jeese God, that sounds great, but how much is it going to cost me?" God says, "An arm and a leg." Adam says "Hmmm, what can I get for just a rib?" *** Shortly after helping deliver a healthy baby boy to a pretty young woman, the obstetrician strolled out to the waiting room to inform the father. The only man there was a frail old man of at least 90, who confirmed that he was the proud poppa. "At your age,how do you do it?" the doctor asked. "Two of my sons put me on and three take me off," the old fellow replied. "If it takes two to put you on, why does it take three to take you off?" "Cause I put up a hell of a fight." *** Q: What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary right before sex? A: I'll see you in an hour. *** The comic strip "Pickles" is one of my favorite - I guess I can identify with it! My two most favorite strips included the following dialog: Grandpa: "You know what the worst thing about being a Grandfather is?" Friend: "No, what?" Grandpa: "Sleeping with a Grandmother!" Grandma: "When your time comes, would you perfer burial or creamation?" Grandpa: "Surprize me!" *** Philip Parham tells the story of a rich industrialist who was disturbed to find a fisherman sitting lazily beside his boat. "Why aren't you out there fishing?" he asked. "Because I've caught enough fish for today," said the fish- erman. "Why don't you catch more fish than you need?" the rich man asked. "What would I do with them?" "You could earn more money," came the impatient reply, "and buy a better boat so you could go deeper and catch more fish. You could purchase nylon nets, catch even more fish, and make more money. Soon you'd have a fleet of boats and be rich like me." The fisherman asked, "Then what would I do?" "You could sit down and enjoy life," said the industrialist. "What do you think I'm doing now?" the fisherman replied as he looked placidly out to sea. We chuckle. Yet that story highlights an important truth. If we live only to accumulate material wealth, we'll never get enough. We'll work more and more frantically - until we collapse! Been working all the time? Refusing to take vacations? Life is more than possessions. Learn to trust more fully in the God who has given us all things to enjoy. Author: David C. Egner *** John went to a pet store and selected a kind looking dog. He asked the salesperson about the dog's pedigree. She said the dog came from a very long line of distinguished ancestors. Both its father and grandfather were dogs. Its mother, she said, was a bitch and its grandmother was a r-e-a-l bitch. John was delighted and said,"Is this dog smart and intelligent?" "Oh, yes," she said, "this dog is so smart that within a week it would teach your entire family to talk in its language." John was impressed and asked if the dog was faithful. The salesperson replied,"I have sold this dog five times and it has always come back." *** A man and a woman decided to travel to a deserted mountain road to make love. They park the car on a sloping shoulder off the road, take off all of their clothes, hop into the back seat, and start to rock the car. Well, the car is an older model, and they forget to set the emergency brake properly, and so the car starts rolling. Off the slope, over a small overhang, and crashes. The woman is thrown clear, but the man is pinned inside the car. Man: "You're going to have to go get some help, I'm stuck." Woman: "Go get some help? I'm completely naked, you idiot." The man grumbles, gropes around the car as best he can, and pulls out one of his shoes. "Here," he says, "put this where it will do you the most good, and go get some help, fer Chrissakes." So the woman wedges the shoe between her legs, and starts waddling down the road. Soon, she reaches a little shack. She knocks on the door, and an old grizzled gentleman answers. "You've got to help my boyfriend," blurts the nearly-naked woman, "he's stuck." The old gentleman eyes the woman up and down and replies, "Honey, if he's in that far, I can't help him." *** During the days of the Cold War, God spoke to George Bush, President of the United States, Mikhail Gorbachev, president of the Soviet Union, and Yitzchak Shamir, prime minister of Israel. He told them that He had had enough with all of the bickering, war, strife, and starvation. He told them that in a week, He was going to destroy the earth in a big flood. Lastly, He told the three to get on their respective nations' television news to tell their citizens. So, George Bush called a press conference and told the people of the US: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there is a God. The bad news is that he is going to destroy the earth in a week. Mikhail Gorbachev got on Soviet TV and said: I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that there is a God. The worse news is that he is going to destroy the earth in a week. And, Yitzchak Shamir got on Israeli TV and said: I have some good news and some better news. The good news is that there is a God. The better news is that there will never be a Palestinian state. *** A married couple retire to their hotel room on their wedding night. The man, who is much larger than the petite woman, takes off his pants and throws them over to his wife, saying "Put these on." The woman replies "but they are too big for me..." "put them on anyway " She puts them on, they fall down, and she says "I can't fit into these..." He Replies "That's right, now just remember who wears the pants in this family" The woman then takes off her panties and throws them over to her husband, saying "Put these on." He looks at them and says "I can't get into these..." She replies "Yes, that's right. And you won't be able to in the future unless you change your attitude!" *** Question : Why do you get paid more money at the sperm bank than at the blood bank? Answer: Because at the sperm bank it is handmade. *** In a one-priest Irish Catholic Parish everybody knows everybody else. One Saturday, a waggish young lad by the name of Timmy went to confession. The priest, after hearing Timmy's sins, said - "Timmy, I have it on good advice that you are fooling around with one of the married women in the parish." Timmy protested his innocence, but the priest would have none of it. "Timmy," he said "tell me, is it Mrs. Monahan?" "No father I hardly know the woman!" "All right then Timmy, is it Mrs. O'Connell?" "Mrs. O'Connell, father she's the wife of one of my very best friends! I would never lay hands on her!" "Timmy, this is your last chance - I'm losing my patience. Is it Mrs. O' Hara?" "No Father, I wouldn't dream of..." "TIMMY! I don't wan't to hear it. You've come to this confessional and lied to me! I want you to consider the seriousness of this matter for a month and come back and confess who it is to me." On the way out Timmy meets a good friend of his on his way to the confessional. The friend asks Timmy "Is the Father in a good mood today?" Timmy replies, "Oh yes, the Father is in a GRAND mood - he gave me a month off, and three good leads!" *** A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?" "Ask you what?" replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth. "Don't matter," replied the trucker. "Gonna fuck ya anyway." *** FOOD HAS NO CALORIES: 1. If you eat in bed. 9. If you eat after a workout. 2. If you are going to start a 10. If you eat it quickly with diet tomorrow. one hand while driving. 3. If it is eaten during coffee- 11. If it is your birthday, the break after a hard morning 4th of July, Christmas, etc. of work. 12. If it is rich in protein, 4. If it is eaten DIRECTLY out calcium, oat bran, etc.(name of the box/carton. your favorite nutrient) 5. If someone went out of their 13. If you bought it from a sweet way to make it for you. little kid for a good cause. 6. If you are under stress. 14. If you eat it while watching 7. If you take it from someone TV. else's plate. 15. If it is from a salad bar. 8. If you eat only half of it. *** Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "this won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose , and breath normally." *** In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say you are "going Dutch," since the Dutch are well known for their frugality. The Dutch, on the other hand, call the same arrangement "op z'n Amerikaans" (going American) because the Americans are known for their egalitarian nature! In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from Turkey. In Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from "Hindistan", which is Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on the Hindi name of a turkey?) French fries aren't really French. In fact, they were invented by the English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French call them "pommes frites" or "fried apples [of the earth]". In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankforters. In Frankfort, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners. *** [From Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.shenanigans] 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occassionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" *** A woman was a customer in a bakery and while she was waiting her turn she idly glanced through the door to the back room of the bakery and watched a baker in front of an oven while he was working. The baker took a small piece of dough from a tray, pressed the dough against his belly button and then threw the piece of dough on to a tray in the oven. The man did this continuously for several minutes. The woman was the curious type and when her turn came to be waited on she asked the clerk what the man was doing. The clerk said the man was shaping pieces of dough into cookies. The woman stated that this was not very sanitary. The clerk said, "If you think that is unsanitary, you should see him when he makes the bagels." *** PROFESSIONAL HYMNS Dentists Crown Him with Many Crowns Contractors The Church's One Foundation Obstetricians Come, Labor On Golfers There Is a Green Hill Far Away Politicians Standing on the Promises Gardeners Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming Librarians Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silent Lawyers In the Hour of Trial Accountants Ten Thousand by Ten Thousand Clothiers Blessed Be the Tie Students Ask Ye What Great Things I Know Dry Cleaners O For a Faith That Will Not Shrink Credit Card Purchasers A Charge to Keep I Have Weather Forecasters From Every Stormy Wind That Blows Orators O Could I Speak the Matchless Word Choir Directors Sing Them Over and Over Again to Me Traffic Engineers Where Cross the Crowded Ways of Life IRS We Give Thee but Thine Own Pastors Be Not Dismayed There's even one for Absent Church Members: Jesus, I am Resting *** 3 religious men who have just hit the pot at the lottery wanted to thank God for their fortune. The first said that he will take his money, draw a line on the earth and throw the money into the air. The money that will fall in the left side of the line will be a donation to his church and he will take the rest. The second said that he will draw a circle and throw the money into the air, and what will fall inside is for God. The third just decided to throw it into the air and let god catch his part. *** Squirrels: a source of campus nutrition Recipe for Squirrel au Vin: Ingredients: 1 squirrel (remove hair) 1 bottle of Strawberry Angel To prepare: Get really drunk, eat the squirrel. *** This wonderful example of international humor was posted on the listserv list INDIA-D: Date: Fri, 27 May 1994 15:17:00 +0000 (GMT) From: Sharath K S Sharath joined HUMOR today, Subject: Being on the wrong side of the world... WELCOME! By the way, for we people who were born and brought up in the wrong side of the world, doing things in the wrong way has become a way of life. For example, (a) In India we drive on the wrong side of the road. Even the cars we produce or drive have steering wheels on the wrong side. (b) We pronounce 'Z' as "Jed" instead of "Zee". (c) We meekly accepted MKS (Meter,Kilogram,Second) system like the rest of the world while America proudly stuck to the FPS system. (d) We use Lakhs & Crores while they use millions & billions. (e) We dumbly use Celsius while they use Fahrenheit (Cool!). (f) We play football only using foot. (How restricting! We lack imagination...) (g) In restaurants we ask for a bill and pay it with a cheque unlike here where they ask for check and pay it with a bill (Dollar bill). (h) I never realised '#' was the right symbol for pound instead of a L with a slash until I came here. (How stupid of me...) (i) While they zoomed past with their cars filled with gallons of GAS, we keep wondering how do you measure gas in gallons. (j) We think we have sense of humour while we can't even spell it right. *** 3 rats are bragging about how macho they are. The first says, "I'm really macho. When I want to impress a female rat I run through through the sitting room when people are there." The second responds with, "That's nothing. I take the female over to the trap, force open the trap wire with one hand, and hold it open whilst I take the cheese and offer it to the female. Now that's what I call macho." The first two turn to see the third rat slinking out of the rathole. "Ha! We're too macho for you, are we?" "No", replies the third' "It's just that I'm off to rape the cat." *** TO MY DEAR WIFE: ================ During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: - 34 times the sheets were clean - 17 times it was too late - 49 times you were too tired - 20 times it was too hot - 15 times you pretended to be asleep - 22 times you had a headache - 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby - 15 times you said you were too sore - 12 times you said it was the wrong time of the month - 10 times you had to get up early - 9 times you said you weren't in the mood - 7 times you were watching the late show - 6 times you were sunburned - 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo - 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us - 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move. TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: =================== I think you may have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you didn't get more than you did: - 5 times you came home drunk and tried to f**k the cat - 35 times you did not come home at all - 21 times you did not come - 33 times you came too soon - 19 times you went soft before you got it in - 10 times your toes were in cramps - 30 times you worked late - 29 times you had to get up early to play golf - 2 times you were in a fight and got kicked in the balls - 4 times you got it caught in your zipper - 3 times your coffee was too hot & you had burned your tongue - 2 times you had a splinter in your finger - 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day - 5 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book - 95 times you were too busy watching hockey on TV Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were f**king the sheet. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. *** Q: What did the snail say as he was riding on the turtle's back? A: Wheeeeeeeee!!!!! *** An elderly couple were rocking in their rockers on the front porch the eve of their 60th wedding anniversary. The old lady asks her husband, "Dear, do you have any regrets about our sex over the last 60 years?" The husband answers, " To tell you the truth, hon, it hasn't been the greatest." Well, the old lady gets out of her chair, hobbles toward her husband, then clobbers him up side the head. "What was that for?" asked the bruised senior citizen. The wife replies, "After all these years, NOW you tell me that I'm not good in the sack! Well, I can tell you that your sexual abilities have NEVER been that good either!" At this, the old man gets out of his chair, ambles toward his wife then whacks her across the legs with his cane and says, "That's for knowing the difference between good sex and mine!" *** Bill Clinton speaking to veterans at the 50th anniversary of the Normandy invasion is like Heidi Fleiss going to a convent and speaking to nuns on career opportunities. *** 1989 Hunting Rules for Lawyers i.e. The 1989 Attorney Season and Bag Limit regulations: 1. It is unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 2. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, SAAB, or Mercedes dealerships. It also is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, ambulances or hospitals. 3. It shall be unlawful to use $100 bills, prostitutes or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow mobile, helicopter or aircraft. 5. Killing attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to the nearest car wash. 6. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection sticker. 7. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female legal clerk, accident victim, physician, bookie or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 8. Taking attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 9. Various bag limits are set for attorneys including: Brown-nosed judge kissers............2 Back-stabbing divorce litigators.....4 Hairy-chinned civil libertarians.....7 Two-faced tort chasers ..............2 Yellow bellied sidewinders...........2 10. Note that honest attorneys are extinct. *** *** >Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men. > 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. > 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. > They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. > 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. > 4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald." > 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. > 6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. > 7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. > 8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. > 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. >10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. >11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. >12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. >13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. >14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. >15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. >16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. >17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. >18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. >19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. >20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. >21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. >22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. >23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. >24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." >25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. >26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. >27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory works only on cocoons and butterflies. >28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. >29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. >30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. >31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. >32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. >33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. >34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" >35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. >36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." >37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women. >38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. > "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. >39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." >40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network. >41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. >42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. >43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need men to help get dressed. >44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. >45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. >46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. >47. Men forget everything; women remember everything. >48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened. >49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. >50. All men would still really like to own a train set. *** ================================================== 101 things BILL should not say to Hillary after sex ================================================== 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today 12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I just brushed my teeth... 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29. I want a baby! 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34. I think you have it on backwards. 35. When is this supposed to feel good? 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38. Is that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.. 47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49. This would be more fun with a few more people.. 50. You're almost as good as my ex! 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53. You look younger than you feel. 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60. What tampon? 61. Have you ever considered liposuction? 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64. I have a confession... 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69. You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72. Did you come yet, dear? 73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75. Does this count as a date? 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78. I think biting is romantic- don't you? 79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?) 80. When would you like to meet my parents? 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88. Sorry but I don't do toes! 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". 93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash! 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95. Is this a sin too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"? 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? ***