Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!gatech!gsusgi1.gsu.edu!gsusgi1.gsu.edu!acmaka From: acmaka@gsusgi2.gsu.edu (Amir K. Aslam) Subject: The best jokes ever! Message-ID: Organization: Georgia State University Date: Mon, 17 Jan 1994 15:24:55 GMT Lines: 181 A little Jewish boy was a really terrible student. Very disruptive in class and a real discipline case. His loving parents took him out of the public school and he lasted two days there before he was expelled. They put him in a Jewish day school and he lasted three days. They put him in a military boarding school, and he was the first pupil ever expelled from it. Finally, out of desperation, his parents put him in a Catholic school. A week passed. Two weeks passed. A semester passed. All was well. His mother had a meeting with her son's teacher. "Mrs. Levy, Abie is a wonderful boy," Sister Mary said. Mrs. Levy went home and spoke to Abie. "Son, how come you get expelled from all those other schools, but in the Catholic school you are a little angel?" "Well, mom, I walked into the school, saw a picture of some guy nailed up on a cross, and figured here they mean business!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Air Force General, an Army General, and a Navy Admiral were bragging about which of the services was the toughest, and had the most balls. The Admiral, pointing to a ship pulling in to port, shouted to a sailor, "Sailor. Jump in and stop that ship." - The sailor jumped into the water in front of the ship, got plowed under, and chopped to bits by the props. The admiral turned to the other two and stated, "That took some balls; I think that shows that the Navy is the toughest of the armed forces." The Army General, pointing to a tank rolling across the fields, shouted to a soldier, "Soldier. Run over there and stop that tank." The soldier jumped in front of the tank, and became part of the ground under the tanks treads. The General turned to the other two and stated, "That took more balls and proves that the Army is the toughest of the armed forces." The Army General and the Admiral turned to the Air Force General and claimed that nothing he could do would convince them that the Air Force was tougher than the Army or Navy... The Air Force General pointed to a F-16 rolling down a runway, "You see that F-16 over there?" He then called to an Airman, "Airman. Get out there on that runway and stop that F-16." The Airman turned to the General and said, "Fuck you, you crazy bastard. You stop the damned plane yourself!" The Air Force General turned to the other two, and with a look of satisfaction said, "Now that took REAL BALLS!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- This young stud was at his favorite singles bar one night, looking over the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar, an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so. He was used to scoring with much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell. He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was VERY receptive!! So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild thing, and as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded with a mouthful of a warm sticky fluid. "Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?" "Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- So these aliens come to earth and study it for a few weeks until they finally decide that the dominate species on Earth are machines. They decide that someone should go down and approach the first machine he sees. There is a flash of light and one of the aliens is standing in front of gas station, he looks around and walks up the a gas pump and says in a high squeaky voice: "Take me to your leader." and waits. The gas pump didn't reply. So the alien said again with a little more force: "Take me to your leader." Once again the gas pump did not answer, so the alien drew his blaster from his belt pointed it at the gas pump and yelled: "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER." The gas pump was doubtless frightened to death but still did not answer, so the alien let rip with a class 8a ray from his gun and the pump exploded throwing the alien several miles into the desert. Eventually his spacecraft came to pick him up. Once on board a fellow alien told him: "I told you not to fuck with a guy that can wrap his dick around his head and shove it in his ear!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes into the Social Security Office and apply's. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that as proof. He goes home to his wife show's her the check, and explains what has happened. "Well get back down there, pull down your pant's and see if you can get disability!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a line of whores standing in line to get a monthly venereal disease checkup and an old lady steps up to one of the whores in line and asks the whore what they are all waiting in line for. Being the bitch that she is, the whore tells the old lady that they are waiting in line for lollipops so the old lady gets in line to get her treat. When she finally gets to the front of the line the doctor looks at her surprised and says "My god lady at your age!" The old lady simply responds, "God no I just suck on them..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A scientist calls his assistant in and tells him "I've created an apple that tastes like pussy!" "Great, let me have a bite!" He takes a bite and spit's it out "That tastes like shit!" "Oh." says the scientist "Turn It Over." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you hear about the polish prisoner who was found dead with two dozen bumps on his head? A: He tried to hang himself with a rubber band. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Astronomers prefer the dark. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why do bi-sexuals and gay men smoke cigars? A: Practice makes perfect! ___________________________________________________________________________ Oxymorons Higher Education Same Difference Automatic Stickshift Environmental Protection Reverse Thrust Reverse Drive Lesbian nuns Criminal Lawyers Secondary Degree Hot Water Heater Airline Food Almost Safe Amtrak Schedule Awful Nice Bad Sex Black Light Business Ethics Clearly Confused Criminal Lawyer Debugged Program Faulty Logic Federal Assistance First Annual Freezer Burn Fun Run Functionally Illiterate Good Grief Government Worker Happy Birthday Imitation Margarine Jumbo Shrimp Justifiable Homicide Last Initial Legal Brief Mail Service Nearly Perfect New Standard Plastic Silverware Postal Service Practical Homeowner President Bush Pretty Ugly Rolling Stop Science Fiction Senate Ethics Soft Rock Sub Minimum Tax Reform Television Entertainment Traffic Flow User Friendly Vice Pres. Quayle Wedded Bliss Work Party Liberal, Kansas Greater Cleveland New Jersey, the Garden State Safe, economical, nuclear power! happily married Home Owner Jumbo Shrimp Responsible journalism Bad blow job Civil War Plastic Silverware New Tradition Good Grief Holy Shit Grandchildren Lifelong Native Planned Parenthood Cherry Tart Rush hour Grape nuts Honest Government Congressional Ethics Athletic Scholarship Good pun Good Driver Feminine Logic Express Mail Traffic Flow United Nations Exciting Golf action Bug-Free Software from MICROSOFT Functioning IBM Equipment Fish Farm Even Odds Definite Maybe Constant Variable Old News Taped Live Open Secret Original Copies Working Vacation Player Coach Silent Scream Only Choice Extensive Briefing Almost Perfect -- Amir acmaka@gsusgi2.gsu.edu