From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Tue Jun 25 00:40:10 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: The Top Five List for June 25, 1996 Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Win32 (v2.32a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com It's a Tip Free-For-All! Tuesday at 4p.m. EDT come to www.wsources.com to share your MS Office experience, and take some tips home for free. _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | June 25, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ This list copyright Chris White and Ziff-Davis. You have permission to forward the list, but *only* in its entirety. If you cut pieces of it out and retransmit, locusts will descend on your village. The Top 5 Problems Encountered By Demi Moore While Practicing For Her Role In "Striptease" 19> Dolly Parton filed suit in 'look and feel' infringement case. 18> Twisted her ankle slipping in puddle of cameraman saliva. 17> Couldn't get properly motivated unless someone stuffed $12 million in her g-string. 16> Confused "Saved By The Bell" fans bugging her for Screetch's autograph. 15> Thong Chafe! 14> Sharon Stone repeatedly phoning the set and screaming, "Slut!" 13> Reebok Pump implants still a new technology. 12> Frequently had to stop in middle of strip routine to breast-feed hungry cast. 11> Family Values people put the whammy on that proposed Happy Meal promotion. 10> Constantly stalked by weird, balding, nutcase. Okay, sure, he's her husband, but it still freaked her out! 9> Fast shimmying caused silicone to clump into one large boob. 8> Mom walked in, screamed, and told Dad. (Oops! That was a problem encountered by *ME* while practicing for Demi Moore's role in "Striptease.") 7> Obscure union rule requiring that body makeup be applied by a different big sweaty guy each day. 6> Willard Scott kept wandering in "looking for the Today show set." 5> "Lap Dance Scene 38 -- Take 326 -- Action!" 4> Undercover research efforts constantly thwarted by propositions from Charlie Sheen. 3> Mad Cow Disease (Oops! That's a problem faced by *DINTY* Moore!) 2> Left breast kept storming off the set. and the Number 1 Problem Encountered By Demi Moore While Practicing For Her Role In "Striptease"... 1> That annoying NippleCam. Today's Top Five List contributors are: ------------------------------------------------------------ John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 1 (Hall of Famer) Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 2 Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL -- 3, 13 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 4 Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 5 Sam Maranto, Baltimore, MD -- 6 Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 7 Dave George, Arlington, VA -- 8 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 10 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 11 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 12, 18 Matt Alford, Salem, OR -- 14 Robyn Andrews, Greenville, SC -- 15 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 16 David Bryant, Columbia, MD -- 17 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 17 (Rookie!) Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 19 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- Topic ------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 141 submissions by 47 contributors. ============================================================= Top Five List Helpful Hints: To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To change your subscription address: Using the above instructions, send an unsubscribe message from your old address, then a subscribe message from your new one. To receive The Top Five List FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) document, send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the letters "FAQ" in the *subject* line of the message. To receive info on how to become a Top Five List contributor: Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "CONT-INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. Never sleep with anyone who has more problems than you do. ============================================================= ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Mon Jul 15 22:27:39 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 7/16/96 -- Things I'd Do If I Were President Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Win32 (v2.32a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | July 16, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] The Top 20 Things I'd Do If I Were President 20> Marry Princess Di and declare Britain the 51st state. 19> Activate that Star Wars thing and whup some alien butt! 18> Deport Tom Arnold. 17> Call Russia on hotline. Ask to speak to Ivan Jackinov. 16> Declare Barry White to be the Ambassador of Love. 15> Dispatch the National Guard to kick Dennis Rodman's ass. 14> Get Air Force One detailed and go cruisin' for babes. 13> New national beverage - the 44 oz. Big Gulp. 12> Goodbye, Oval Office. Hello, home theater! 11> A night of "Showgirls" and Tequila shooters with Clarence Thomas. 10> Give the First Lady a ride on Air Force 1, if you know what I mean. 9> Declare war on Tahiti; fly there immediately to begin a month of peace talks. 8> Spin a globe real fast, pick a spot on it with a jab of my index finger, then tell the Joint Chiefs of Staff, "We're goin' in!" 7> Put Demi Moore on the $20 bill with the inscription "Mo' Better Money." 6> Bomb Jersey back to the Stone Age. 5> Three words: Rose Garden kegger. 4> Put together a bitchin' power trio and demand to headline Lollapalooza. 3> Give the State of the Union speech using a hand puppet. 2> Appoint Rush Limbaugh Ambassador to Doofusland. and the Number 1 Thing I'd Do If I Were President... 1> Qualifications for my cabinet? Big Ass-Kissin' Lips. Today's Top Five List contributors were: ------------------------------------------------------------------- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 1 (Hall of Famer, 2nd #1) Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA -- 2, 15 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 3 Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC -- 4, 5 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 5, 9 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 6, 14 Matt Alford, Salem, OR -- 7 Matthew Diamond, Holland, PA -- 8 Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 9 Galen Tatsuo Komatsu, Hawaii! -- 10 Paul & Van Lara, Temple, TX -- 11 Tim Wade, Reno, NV -- 12 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 13 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 16 Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 17 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 18 Peg Warner, Bangor, ME -- 19 Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 20 Chris White, New York, NY -- Topic, List owner/editor ------------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 161 submissions by 54 contributors. =================================================================== Why Surf When You Can Ride The Bus? Check out Patrick Douglas Crispen's INTERNET TOURBUS Now on the web at www.WorldVillage.com/tourbus.htm Or subscribe to the newsletter by sending a message to: LISTSERV@LISTSERV.AOL.COM with: SUBSCRIBE TOURBUS Firstname Lastname =================================================================== The Top Five List To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. =============================================================== The Top Five List presents: Maybe It Just Might Be True! The easiest time to balance a stalk of celery on your nose is during the Vernal Equinox, March 21. (Send items to top5@walrus.com with "MAYBE" in the *subject*.) =============================================================== ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Sun Jul 21 21:48:40 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 7/22/96 -- Things Our Moderator Did on His Birthday Y Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Win32 (v2.32a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | July 22, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] The Top 20 Things Our Moderator Did on His Birthday Yesterday 20> Got free breakfast at Denny's, and subsequent free double bypass at St. Luke's. 19> Same as any other day: sold some blood and blew the proceeds on malt liquor and cheesecake. 18> Giddily ate S'mores and did the hokey-pokey well into the night. 17> Phoned his cousin Cletus to try and patch things up after that Tractor Pull misunderstanding. 16> Yet another wild drunken romp through Chuck E Cheese's. 15> Top Five List fan Michael Irvin dropped by with drugs and hookers. 14> Combed Playboy collection looking for centerfolds born on the same day. 13> Tater Tots, a case of Bud, and Olympic Synchronized Swimming! 12> Before opening each present, declared "...and the number 1 present is..." 11> Continued annual ritual of harrassing calls to 911 to report a "Disco Inferno in my pants." 10> Since Madonna is still suffering morning sickness, just stayed home and chilled. 9> Selected 20 birthday candles from 123 varieties by 58 manufacturers. 8> Read old Top Five Lists to entertain the party guest. 7> Dressed like Marilyn Monroe and sang breathy renditions of "Happy Birthday" into mirror. 6> Hopped into the '55 Chevy and went cruisin' for cafeteria ladies with Bob Dole. 5> Annual clipping of the toenails. 4> Same thing as every year: Crack open a chilled Colt45, blow the dust off the ol' "Karma Chameleon" single, take the phone off the hook, and par-TAY! 3> Sat around with Bomb Squad pals, drinking beer and opening presents from rejected contributors. 2> Pulled head out of ass. Saw shadow. Twelve more months of lists. and the Number 1 Thing Our Moderator Did on His Birthday Yesterday... 1> Sent himself flowers, took himself out to dinner, invited himself up for a drink, and damn near got lucky. Today's Top Five List contributors are: ---------------------------------------------------------- Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 1 (3rd #1) David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 2 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 3, 20 Sterling Smith, Houston, TX -- 4 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 6 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 7, 19 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 8 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 10 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 11 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 12 Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 13, 20 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 13 Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL -- 14 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 15 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 16 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 17 Erik Bell, New York, NY -- 18 John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 20 (Hall of Famer) Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI -- 20 Chris White, New York, NY -- List moderator ---------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 82 submissions by 21 contributors. ========================================================== *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** LIVE CHAT! Cyrix P200+ is the hottest chip in town. Tuesday July 23 at 4pm Eastern time. On the Windows Sources website www.wsources.com ============================================================ Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ============================================================ The Top Five List presents: Maybe It Just Might Be True! Most ants aren't actually small, they just *look* small because they're very far away. (Thanks to Mike Lehmann) (Send items to top5@walrus.com with "MAYBE" in the *subject*.) ============================================================== ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Mon Jul 22 22:09:21 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 7/23/96 -- Movie Sequels Nobody Wants to See Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Win32 (v2.32a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | July 23, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] The Top 20 Movie Sequels Nobody Wants to See 20> "Commandments 11-20: Moses Strikes Back" 19> "Three Men and a Sheep" 18> "Rocky 10: Rocky Fights Irregularity" 17> "Police Academy IX: Beating A Dead Horse" 16> "Babe II: Side of Bacon" 15> "Showgirls 2001: A Silicone Odyssey" 14> "Dumbo: First Blood" 13> "Waterworld 2: The Red Ink Sea" 12> "Eliminating Raoul" 11> "Home Alone 4: Under House Arrest" 10> "Dead Man Rotting" 9> "Driving Miss Daisy's Hearse" 8> "Pee Wee's Felonious Adventure" 7> "Lawrence of Bolivia" 6> "Kickboxer 3: Right in the Groin!" 5> "Weekend At Bernie's 3: Starting to Reek" 4> "To Kung Fu, Thanks For Everything, David Carridine" 3> "Co-Dependence Day" 2> "The Englishman Who Drove Into L.A. a Hugh and Came Out a John" and the Number 1 Movie Sequel Nobody Wants to See... 1> "Il Postino Disgruntilo" Today's Top Five List contributors are: ------------------------------------------------------------- Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 1 (1st #1!) Gerard McDonald, New York, NY -- 2, 16 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 3 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 4 (Hall of Famer) Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 4 Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 5, 8 Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC -- 6 Brad Schreiber, Los Angeles, CA -- 7 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 9 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 10, 17, Topic Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI -- 10 Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 10 John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 11 (Hall of Famer) John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 11 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 12 Patrick D. Crispen, Tuscaloosa, AL -- 13 (Rookie!) Larry Baum, La Jolla, CA -- 13 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 14 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 15 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 16 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 19 Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 20 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 169 submissions by 46 contributors. ============================================================= *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** LIVE CHAT! Cyrix P200+ is the hottest chip in town. Tuesday July 23 at 4pm Eastern time, on the Windows Sources website: www.wsources.com ============================================================= Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ============================================================= Maybe It Just Might Be True! Proof that the world won't end at the end of the millenium: Vitamins from Long's Drugs are GUARANTEED through "4/00." (Thanks to Doug Johnson) Yesterday's MAYBE was actually from comedian Stephen Wright. (Thanks to Bill Wilson) (Send items to top5@walrus.com with "MAYBE" in the subject.) ============================================================= ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Mon Aug 26 09:06:57 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 8/26/96 -- Good Things About Going to Hell Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | August 26, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ MODERATOR'S NOTES: We received a total of well over 1,000 submissions for the Top Five "Open." In fact, the workload was so great that our staff of two dozen secretaries have gone on strike. Consequently, we will be publishing the results of that list on Wednesday of this week. No more entries will be accepted. Thanks to all who entered. As for today's list, we received so many good submissions that we decided to split the list into two parts. Here is Part I, and tomorrow's list will be Part II. The Top 15 Good Things About Going to Hell 15> None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter. 14> That Tony Robbins Seminar firewalk trick *finally* pays off! 13> Buffet always has plenty of Lucifer's secret-recipe deviled eggs. 12> Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low- fat canola oil. 11> Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year. 10> Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit. 9> Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA. 8> Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining. 7> Inability to ice skate no longer gets in the way of having fun. 6> No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole's election chances. 5> Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat. 4> Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily! 3> The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show." 2> Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God. and the Number 1 Good Thing About Going to Hell... 1> 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey! [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ------------------------------------------------------------- Ken Woo, Encinitas, CA -- 1, 14 (Hall of Famer/5th #1!) Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- 2 Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA -- 3, 5 Alexander Clemens, San Fran, CA -- 4 Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 5 George Olson, Co. Springs, CO -- 5 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 5, 14 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 6 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 7 Larry Baum, La Jolla, CA -- 8, 10 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 10 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 10 (Hall of Famer) Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 10 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 11 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 12 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 13 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 15 Chris White, New York, NY -- List moderator, editor ------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 134 submissions by 41 contributors. ============================================================= *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Looking for the inside scoop on Windows 95 and Windows NT software? It's all on the Windows Sources website www.wsources.com ============================================================= Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ============================================================= Maybe It Just Might Be True! The musicians union does not recognize the bagpipes as a musical instrument. (Thanks to Richard W. Lipp) Send items to top5@walrus.com with "MAYBE" in the *subject*. ============================================================= ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Mon Aug 26 22:24:24 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 8/27/96 -- Good Things About Going to Hell, Part II Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Win32 (v2.32a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | August 27, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 15 Good Things About Going to Hell, Part II 15> Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section! 14> Perpetual flame means never having to eat a lukewarm French fry. 13> Upon arrival, you realize it's a big step up from Bakersfield. 12> Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results. 11> Finally get to meet that Rubik guy and tell him what you think of that @#*&%! cube. 10> There's absolutely no chance you'll be living too close to an amusement park. 9> Party-Animal Satan throws one helluva weenie roast! 8> Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's). 7> Finally rid of that pesky little "conscience angel" on *right* shoulder. 6> Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford. 5> Which would you rather jam to: Harps & choirs, or Hendrix & Morrison? 4> Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr. 3> Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler. 2> Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's knee. and the Number 1 Good Thing About Going to Hell... 1> Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: -------------------------------------------------------------- Joe Desiderio, New York, NY -- 1 (1st #1!) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 2 LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Fran, CA -- 3, 7 (Hall of Famer) George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 4, 8 Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA -- 5 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 6 Gayle Ehrenman, New York, NY -- 9 Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 10 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 11 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 12 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 13 Galen Tatsuo Komatsu, Hawaii! -- 14 Rick Welshans, Alexandria, VA -- 15 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner, editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 134 submissions by 41 contributors. ============================================================== *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Live chat: Tuesday, Aug 27 at 4pm meet with David Strom to discuss the products that can turn your computer into your business call-center. Find us at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================== Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ============================================================== Maybe It Just Might Be True! The first forks had only one tine. (Thanks to Doug Johnson) Send items to top5@walrus.com with "MAYBE" in the *subject*. ============================================================== ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From adam Wed Aug 28 00:20:53 1996 To: FoRK@xent.w3.org Subject: Hey, I made runners up!! :) :) :) Cc: amclark@sj-coop.net, duck@cci-29palms.com, gregory_lucado@mail.amsinc.com, jek9r@agate.cs.virginia.edu, mkc1@ajax.wda.disney.com, rifkin@umdnj.edu _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | August 28, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The 1,348 entries we received for the Top Five Open list competition were judged by 45 of our top contributors. I send a special thanks to those judges, as well as to everyone who sent in an entry. Here are the final results. Beneath the list is an extended section of runners up. The Top 20 Signs You Live Too Close to an Amusement Park 20> It's bumper car-to-bumper car traffic at rush hour. 19> You have to wait for somebody to hit the target before starting your bath. 18> In your wardrobe? Peanuts. In your cornflakes? Peanuts. Under the computer keyboard? More damn peanuts. 17> Your insurance policy has a rider to cover an "Act of Goofy." 16> Your kid's first word is "getchaballoonshere." 15> You can't afford to buy film for your camera unless you drive to the next county. 14> You buy a swingset for your kids and some hoods from Disney pump your garage full of lead as a warning. 13> Merry-Go-Round riders constantly yanking out your wife's earrings. 12> There's a bearded lady in your back yard, and your mother-in-law is out of town. 11> You paid for your new Lexus with 43,800,000 skee-ball tickets. 10> Can't leave your driveway without backing over picketing Southern Baptists. 9> Your house is on the park map as "Crappyland." 8> Crazy kids hand you a buck, then smash your new Volvo with a sledgehammer. 7> Your cat gets a hernia carrying home its last mouse kill. 6> Every meal you've had for the past two months has been served on a stick. 5> Neighborhood hookers require an "E" ticket. 4> Scooby and his 'pesky' friends search your house for evidence regarding the creepy amusement park owner. 3> The name of the damned place is "Six Flags Over Ed Smith." 2> Your "It's a Small World" insanity plea successfully beats the mass murder rap. and the Number 1 Sign You Live Too Close to an Amusement Park... 1> Despite your most amorous pleas, wife demands hand-stamp before re-entry. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ---------------------------------------------------------- Kathleen Buchanan, Tuscaloosa, AL -- 1 (1st #1!) Don Dillon, Santa Rosa, CA -- 2 Colin Gray, Dumfries, Scotland -- 2 Patrick Golden, whereabouts unknown -- 2 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 3 Theresa Noonan, Highland Park, IL -- 4 Ellen S., whereabouts unknown -- 5 Robert Ostling, Santa Rosa, CA -- 6 Bruce White, Hugo, MN -- 6 Paul Berry, Lake Havasu City, AZ -- 7 Paul Piciocchi, Orlando, FL -- 8 Craig Moe, Chapel Hill, NC -- 9 Dan Angelo, San Bernardino, CA -- 9 Greg O'Neill, Durham, NC -- 9 Don Miller, Marysville, WA -- 10 Elissa Laitin, Newton, MA -- 11 Rick Borchert, Manitoba, Canada -- 12 Jill Rosenberg, New York, NY -- 12 Steve Marcantonio, whereabouts unknown -- 13 Carrie, Manitoba, Canada -- 14 Rich Nicholas, Oxnard, CA -- 15 Marttinen Terhi, whereabouts unknown -- 16 Jeanne W. Stolcis, Falls Church, VA -- 17 Donato Ottolenghi, Milano, Italy -- 18 Michael Hecht, Columbus, OH -- 19 Frank Meek, Austin, TX -- 20 ---------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 1,348 submissions by 1,348 contributors. ---------------------------------------------------------- >From the "How Common Are Your Funny Thoughts" Department: Over 300 entries regarding vomit on the house, windows, car, lawn, etc. Over 200 entries regarding signs that say, "You must be at least this high/long to ride this ride..." Over 150 entries regarding charging people to park in your driveway (or being charged to park there). Over 100 entries regarding standing in line for your own bathroom. The RUNNERS UP were (in no particular order)... Impossible number of clowns coming out of your bathroom. -- K.W.Falk, Seattle, WA Your wife refuses your advances unless they're accompanied by calliope music. -- Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring, MD Your neighborhood watch captain drives around in a bumper car. -- Andrea Houseman, Milwaukee, WI Your most recent 911 call involved seven dwarfs, a case of beer, and your missing John Deere, again. -- John J. Marinick, whereabouts unknown Your landlady's daily request to "guess your weight" is becoming irritating. -- J. Smith, Phoenix, AZ Your kids dramamine-stand is pulling in more than your lucrative stock portfolio. -- Gever Tulley, San Francisco, CA Your husband develops a nasty complex about your constant "small world" comments. -- Shasta Turner, Claremont, CA -- The staff at the Palliser Hotel, Calgary, Alberta, Canada Your chance of dating Isabella the Contortionist is about the same as your average clown. -- Bill Enniss, Phoenix, AZ Your cat is hopelessly addicted to "Whack-A-Mole." -- Spencer Clements, Spring, TX Your brother-in-law from Southern California keeps running to the doorway, shouting, "Whoa, there it goes again!" -- David M. Miller, New York, NY Your and your spouse's wardrobe consists primarily of Tube Tops and Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirts. -- Mark L. Hartman, Bremerton, WA You spend more and more of your time wondering how to get that freak show gig. -- Casey Lindstrom, Boston, MA Those giant Goofy droppings in front yard. -- Tom Wahl, San Jose, CA -- Lori Carmona, whereabouts unknown -- Lloyd Black, Haddonfield, NJ -- Jacques Vandenbroek, Oceanside, CA -- Doug Rendall, Zion, IL -- Dennis Sacks, whereabouts unknown -- Ryan Rempel, Fresno, CA You catch weird Cousin Randy on the front porch doing his "Trevor the Trouser Worm" show. -- Paul M. Yingling, Cranston, RI Wabbit hunting unusually harwd. -- Mike Miller, whereabouts unknown The neighbor kids keep asking which freak show star you are. -- Dave Bakker, Forest Park, IL Seeing a 200 pound woman in black spandex shorts and a pink fishnet tank-top can no longer be considered one of life's singular events. -- Wendi Zimmerman, Somerset, NJ See: Jackson, Michael -- Josh Evans, Mankato, MN Rats in basement all wearing big red bow ties and white gloves. -- Ernie Ward, Billerica, MA -- Margie Cohen, Houston, TX People keep knocking your mailbox over with a football and demanding you give them a prize. -- Steve Jaggers, Plano, TX Nightly fireworks display in your pants. -- Bob Joress, Natick, MA Little ducks fall over on the TV screen every time you point the remote. -- Ann Azevedo, Tolland, CT Lion Recovery Van cruises your neighborhood hourly. -- Ralph Castro, San Diego, CA Huge homeless mouse by freeway with sign reading, 'Will work for cheese.' -- name of contributor unknown Foreplay consists of quickly rattling off the phrase: "Please keep your hands and feet inside the bed until it has come to a complete and final stop." -- Tom Culler, Ann Arbor, MI -- Jeff Whipple, Cincinnati, OH -- Stan Hatch, Mundelein, IL -- Bjorn Jensen, Calabasas, CA Fairy dust keeps killing your lawn. -- Laura Green, Huntington Beach, CA Everytime you set the table you have a sudden urge to throw nickles on it. -- David C. Marlatt, San Antonio, TX Everyone calls you "Goofy," and your name isn't Dan Quayle. -- Paradox, San Francisco, CA Continual attention paid to your children by overweight, middle-age, socially dysfunctional clown begins to wear a little thin. -- Ford Jones, Falls Church, VA Bozo the Clown keeps coming by and trying to borrow a bottomless cup of sugar. -- Jeremy Bornstein, San Bruno, CA -- John Hill, Oxford, UK A shoeless, drunken Mickey Mouse keeps wandering through your backyard at 2:00am yelling "Minnie...Minnie!" -- Vince Johnson, Yosemite, CA -- Tim Titus, San Jose, CA Your pit bull always seems to be choking on dwarf bones. -- Wayne Carson, Arlington, TX Your pet cat is really a college kid in a funny suit. -- Chris Collins, Birmingham, AL -- David Stagner, whereabouts unknown Your family portraits can only be viewed with one eye peering through a plastic photo keychain. -- Donna Pancurak, Garwood, NJ Your Russian Wolfhound is diagnosed with curly-fry poisoning. -- Toni Rachiele, New York, NY You've gradually become the owner of the world's largest toupee collection. -- Kristi Herd, Westminster, CO -- Martha E. Frantz, Hanover, NH You strap yourself into your toilet-seat with your hands over your head while screaming at the top of your lungs. -- Julie Spiegler, San Francisco, CA -- Dave Hamilton, Canton, OH -- Michael F. Oryl, Jr., Philadelphia, PA -- Trish Bayless, Eugene, OR -- Greg Miller, whereabouts unknown -- John Hilla, Detroit, MI You begin to find missing front teeth sexy. -- John Quinn, Chicago, IL Wife keeps catching you in the bathroom playing "Whac-A-Mole." -- Michael Abrahams, Washington, DC Three words: Coaster Chunder Aroma. -- Adam Rifkin, Pasadena, CA The neighbors constantly argue, and it always ends with someone yelling "Donald is twice the mouse you are!" -- Neal Webb, Oakton, VA The kids come in late, dressed like gypsies and smelling like corndogs; or it dressed like corndogs and smelling like gypsies? -- Ziegler, Mark, KS The Amazing Rubberman's all-too-frequent use of your bathroom -- without ever leaving the sideshow stage. -- John Warnke, Laconia, NH Sign on your street reads, "Clown XING." -- Mischa Krilov, Baton Rouge, LA One by one your neighbors are replaced with the magic of animatronics. -- Dwight McPeak, Alabaster, AL Local ordinance prohibits flushing your toilet while the Log Flume ride is operating. -- Dawn and Robert Gehrsitz, Brick, NJ -- Tim Castle, Mountain View, CA -- Matthew Coffey, Providence, RI Increased difficulty luring the neighborhood kids into your garage with those darn carnies around. -- Chris Ervin, Laguna Hills, CA Elephant flatulence cause unpredictable climactic changes. -- J.B. Stiglitz, Albuquerque, NM You have to pay $12.00 to retrieve your frisbee. -- Matt Hart, Tulsa, OK After leaving the windows down overnight, you find your car filled with clowns. -- Steve Johnston, Sunnyvale CA -- James C. Reeves, Burtonsville, MD Your next door neighbor has a brother named Tito. -- Rick Schieche, whereabouts unknown Your address is "Goofy Lot, Row 6." -- Christopher and Deanna Estep, Yuba City, CA Your Pets: 2,548 Goldfish -- Jennifer Levine, Mill Valley, CA You're always waking up in bed next to some clown. -- Jason A Keenan, British Columbia, Canada You discover a drunken Donald Duck nestled up to one of your lawn flamingos. -- Dale Novak, Phoenix, AZ When you take a dump, It's shaped like a Churro. -- J. Chance Allen, Provo, UT Two hour line to get into your Barcalounger. -- Sanjay M. Shirke, New York, NY Surly attitudes and bad teeth everywhere.But look at the bright side -- it's like a trip to London, without leaving home! -- Alex Montano, Kalamazoo, MI Park visitors constantly stop by your home asking "Is this the House of Horrors?" -- Arne Wegger, Kongsberg, Norway Paramedics in your attic resuscitating the Human Cannonball. -- Tim McGinnes, Parkes, NSW, Australia Kids thrown from the roller coaster keep clogging your pool skimmers. -- David Chernicoff, New York, NY Errant ring toss throw "finds its mark" as you exit the shower. -- Andy Franks, Denver, CO Big mouse pays you to keep quite about chronic "Cotton Candy Lung." -- David R. Bosso, Santa Barbara, CA After the second corkscrew you realize it's *not* the subway. -- Karl Brugger, whereabouts unknown -- David Wichmann, whereabouts unknown -- Eric Shamash, Ottawa, ON, Canada The junior college's course curriculum includes "Ferris Wheel Operation 101." -- Sydney Poll Calvo, Seattle, WA =================================================================== *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Take a look at Kai's Power Goo, the world's most fun tool for warping photos, at http://www.winsources.com =============================================================== ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Thu Aug 29 07:41:23 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 8/29/96 -- (Rerun) Excuses Used For Getting Out Of A Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | August 29, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ MODERATOR'S NOTE =========================================================== Our congratulations to Kathleen Buchanan, of Tuscaloosa, Alabama, who took first place in the Top Five Open contest. Kathleen has been given a spot as a regular list contributor, and will no doubt be heard from again. After surviving the deluge of Open submissions, the Top Five List is taking the day off today and tomorrow. This list is from July 11, 1994, and can be found on the TopFive.Com (www.topfive.com) website, in the Archive section, as can almost every Top Five List every published. =========================================================== The Top 16 Excuses Used For Getting Out Of A Speeding Ticket 16> In pain from multiple paper cuts to the wrist and throat. 15> "Aye, Captain, I have to get the Enterprise washed, gassed up, and back to Starfleet Command before they miss 'er!" 14> "We're trying to get the President to Miss Jones' apartment for his next, um -- -- cabinet meeting." 13> Key evidence obtained from illegal search of your mansion. 12> "According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, I COULDN'T go that fast!" 11> "Tons of drugs are headed for Woodstock, and I wanted to be first in line to make a citizen's arrest." 10> "We don't have speed limits on *my* planet." 9> Frozen accelerator pedal was magically unfrozen by police radar. 8> "The Cameroon-Romania game is on in five minutes!" 7> "Excuse me officer, are those Bugle Boy Jeans you're wearing?" 6> "I gotta get to the bakery -- it's time to make the doughnuts!!" 5> "Eight minutes to Wapner. Eight minutes to Wapner." 4> "Oops! It seems I've dropped my driver's license on my crotch..." 3> "Bob Barker pulled up beside us, leered at my wife, and kept saying 'Come on down!'" 2> "Gimme a break, willya? The Gotti Family picnic is starting in ten minutes." and the #1 Excuse Used For Getting Out Of A Speeding Ticket... 1> "All those vodka tonics make it *mighty* damn difficult to focus on the speedometer." [ This list copyright 1994 by Chris White ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors were: ------------------------------------------------------------- Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL - 1, 9 Randy Wohl, Israel - 2 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC - 3 (Hall of Fame) Ken Woo, Encinitas, CA - 4 (Hall of Fame) Kim Moser, New York, NY - 5, 6 Jay Allen, New Orleans(!), LA - 6, 14 John Hering, Alexandria, VA - 7 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL - 8 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA - 10 Donna Tschetter, Saratoga Springs, NY - 11 Michael Wolf, Bronx, NY - 12 Alkes Price, Philadelphia, PA - 13 (Rookie!) Roger P. Ciotti, Kenosha, WI - 15 Don Findlay, Mt. Vernon, IA - 16 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's entries: 100 submissions by 34 contributors. =================================================================== *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Is Intel dead? No, but the Pentium is. Find out why at http://www.winsources.com =================================================================== Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. =============================================================== Maybe It Just Might Be True! Tuesday's "Maybe" was in error. All forks have four tines. That's what makes them forks. The ones with three are actually threeks,those serving units with two tines are twooks, and with just a single tine, it could only be a wunk. (Thanks once again to Agnes Tomorrow) Send items to top5@walrus.com with "MAYBE" in the *subject*. =============================================================== ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Thu Sep 5 23:05:44 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 9/6/96 -- Signs You're Pledging the Wrong Sorority/Fr Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | September 6, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 18 Signs You're Pledging the Wrong Sorority or Fraternity 18> Three Words: Sigma Alpha Macarena. 17> Nobody joins in your armpit rendition of "Louie, Louie." 16> Constant arguments between the two of you about who gets to be President and who gets to be Vice President. 15> Every Spring Break... a bitchin' road trip to the Nixon Library. 14> You're the ONLY minority to pledge Kappa Kappa Kappa. 13> A bunch of college guys sitting around knitting & reading romance novels is just too damn weird. 12> Assembly room features a runway and posters of Dennis Rodman in drag. 11> The secret handshake involves removing your pants. 10> Pledge week started with a shaved head and toga party, but now you're selling flowers at the airport. 9> "Republican Convention?! ROOOOAD TRIIIIP!" 8> Tropical Nights party is authentic right down to the malaria epidemic. 7> Initiation involves flying a crop duster over the White House. 6> Everytime someone yells "Biff! Muffy's on the phone!" the whole damn house comes running. 5> Every Monday night is Melrose Place/self-breast-exam night. 4> In EVERY room, at EVERY function, out of EVERY speaker: John Tesh 3> Their idea of a wild party: slam out a few pages of code, then memorize Star Trek dialogue. 2> Their good looks, fabulous wealth, and popularity are sure signs that they're gonna get their comeuppance in a big, humiliating way by a ragtag group of misfits at Homecoming. and the Number 1 Sign You're Pledging the Wrong Sorority or Fraternity... 1> "Smegma" may sound like a letter in the Greek alphabet, but it's not. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ----------------------------------------------------------- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 1, 14 (6th #1) George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 1 (5th #1) Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA -- 2, 7 Rebecca Smith, Dallas, TX -- 3 Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI -- 3 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 4 Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 5 Matt Alford, Salem, OR -- 6 Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 8 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 9 Joel Auslander, Seattle, WA -- 10 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 11 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 12 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 13 Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- 14 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 15 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 16 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 17 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 18 Allen Cohn, San Francisco, CA -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner, editor ----------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 132 submissions by 49 contributors. =========================================================== *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Download Autospell 4.0, a spell-checker for online communications programs and the Windows Notepad, at http://www.winsources.com =========================================================== Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. =========================================================== Maybe It Just Might Be True! Fork Wars, the Final Chapter To date, the American business community has lost 1,237.8 person-hours due to the "Maybe It Might Be True" Fork Wars. (Thanks to R. David Francis, Columbus OH) And finally... Maybe it's tine we stopped the forkin' jokes. (Thanks to D. Clark) Send items to top5@walrus.com with "MAYBE" in the *subject*. ============================================================ ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From dan@teledesic.com Wed Sep 4 14:01:11 1996 To: "'Fork'" Subject: Top Ten X-Mailer: Microsoft Exchange Server Internet Mail Connector Version 4.0.837.3 Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit >"Dick Morris Excuses" > > >As presented on the 09/02/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID >LETTERMAN > >10. Shouldn't have listened to new campaign advisor Hugh Grant >9. Was courting the often-neglected "Hooker demographic" >8. After a day of being a two-faced political weasel, a fella gets >awful lonely >7. Thought she was just there to show him how to use the hotel's >Craftmatic >adjustable bed >6. Misunderstood when President Clinton asked him to "poll some women" >5. Didn't pay for sex -- paid for excellent ideas on foreign policy >4. For a brief moment, got confused and thought he was the President >3. Just trying to win key endorsement from Charlie Sheen >2. Used the old formula: Marion Barry and hookers = re-election >1. Always thought it was okay to screw a taxpayer > From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Wed Sep 4 23:04:03 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 9/5/96 -- Rejected Hurricane Names Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | September 5, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 20 Rejected Hurricane Names 20> Hurricane Pee Wee 19> Hurricane Barney 18> Hurricane Zsa Zsa 17> Hurricane Melvin 16> Hurricane Butch 15> Hurricane, Murricane, big fat Blurricane 14> Hurricane Tito 13> Quentin Tarantino Presents: "Hurricane" 12> Hurricane Liberace 11> Hurricane Chlamydia 10> Hurricane L. Ron 9> Hurricane Beavis 8> The Hurricane Formerly Known As Gale 7> Hurricane Elvis 6> Hurricane Dweezil 5> Hurricane Pat O'Brian 4> Duncan: Master of All that Blows 3> Hurricane Shecky 2> Hurricane Buffy and the Number 1 Rejected Hurricane Name... 1> Hurricane Hootie [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: -------------------------------------------------------------- George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 1 (4th #1) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 1 (2nd #1) Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 1 (2nd #1) Vickie Neilson, Carlsbad, CA -- 2 Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC -- 3 Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA -- 4 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 5 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 6 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 7 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 7, 9 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 8, 16 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 9, 12 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 10 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 11 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 12 Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 13 Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 14 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 15 Boyd Johnson, San Diego, CA -- 15 Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA -- 15 Lisa Stepaniak, Dearborn, MI -- 15 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 15 Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 17 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 18 (Hall of Famer) Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 19 Joel Auslander, Seattle, WA -- 20 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 20 Rebecca Smith, Dallas, TX -- 20 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner, editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 112 submissions from 42 contributors ============================================================== *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Find the best sites for Windows 95 and Windows NT information with the Windows Sources SiteFinder, at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================== Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ============================================================== Maybe It Just Might Be True! Fork Wars, Part V Single-tined forks come in pairs and are known as "chopsticks." (Thanks to Dave Olson) Send items to top5@walrus.com with "MAYBE" in the *subject*. ============================================================== ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Fri Aug 30 12:07:34 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 8/30/96 -- (Rerun) Signs You've Hired the Wrong Guy t Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | August 30, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top Five List contributors are currently enjoying their group vacation to Club Med Tulsa. Today's list was originally published on June 29, 1994. Previous Top Five Lists can be found in our website's Archive section, at www.topfive.com The Top 15 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Guy to Remodel Your House 15> Suspicious increase in number of 1-900-DRILLBIT calls charged to your line. 14> Uses "The Clapper" to turn power saw on and off. 13> Paints the living room with 15,000 bottles of White-Out. 12> Shows up with nothing but a strategically placed power drill and a butt crack the size of the Grand Canyon. 11> Flaming pentangle and mutilated goats in your basement. 10> Comes to work with a Bob Vila lunchbox, complete with crazy straw for the thermos. 9> Left hand: sledgehammer. Right hand: Colt 45 Malt Liquor. 8> On the day the insulation is to be put down, shows up wearing Pink Panther costume. 7> Mike Wallace from "60 Minutes" drops by with camera crew. 6> While painting: "One for the wall, one for me, one for the wall, ..." 5> Keeps asking you to "adjust my tool, if y'know what I mean." 4> His see-through teddy shows that he's confused Victorian Style with Victoria's Secret. 3> Insists on spackling with his genitalia instead of with a trowel. 2> Runs out of shingles and starts using baloney slices. and the #1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Guy To Remodel Your House... 1> Spends hours in your bathroom, flushing the toilet and saying, "Well I'll be goldarned!" [ This list copyright 1994 by Chris White ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Todays' Top 5 List contributors were: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA - 1 Brian Schroer, University City, MO - 2, 13 (Rookie!) Michele Beltran, Lansing, MI - 3, 15 (Rookie!) Don Horton, Sacramento, CA - 4 Roger P. Ciotti, Kenosha, WI - 5 Randy Wohl, Israel - 6 (Rookie!) Ken Woo, San Diego, CA - 7 (Hall of Fame) Burt Paulson, Marysville, WA - 7 (Rookie!) Alan Wagner, Bayside, WI - 8 (Rookie!) Sean Erwin, San Diego, CA - 9 Patrick Kachurek, Ann Arbor, MI - 10 Aaron Milenski, Oberlin, MD - 11, 12 Ken Wilson, Kansas City, MO - 12 Chris Willis, Boston, MA - 12 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD - 12 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC - 12 (Hall of Fame) John Hering, Alexandria, VA - 14 Chris White, San Diego, CA - Topic LeMel Hebert-Williams, Alameda, CA - Picture on milk carton ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's entries: 154 contributions by 47 contributors. =================================================================== *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Get Fast Answers to your Windows 95 and Windows NT in the new Fast Answers Forums at http://www.winsources.com =================================================================== Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. =============================================================== Maybe It Just Might Be True! The famous Soviet monkey "Chympka" stabbed three human fellow crew members with a pencil during a space flight. (Thanks to John Marinick) Send items to top5@walrus.com with "MAYBE" in the *subject*. =============================================================== ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Mon Sep 9 03:36:14 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 9/9/96 -- Reasons Last Night's Date Was a Failure Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | September 9, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 16 Reasons Last Night's Date Was a Failure 16> Two words: Crying Game 15> Putting chopsticks in your nose doesn't go over so well since you hit the big four-oh. 14> You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers - but where the hell is your hockey mask? 13> Losing that Happy Meal prize to your date in an arm-wrestling contest kind of put a damper on the rest of the evening. 12> You roll over and find a naked Ed Asner next to you. 11> You brought flowers and candy, she brought a lawyer and a restraining order. 10> O.J. Simpson mask definitely not a big hit. 9> Her job as an Elvis impersonator didn't bother you until you discovered the sideburns are real. 8> You didn't feel the earth move, but you learned an awful lot about life insurance. 7> Severe paper cuts from that popcorn-box trick forced you to go to the emergency room alone. 6> Everything was going great until the conversation shifted to rejected names for hurricanes. 5> The only tongue you got was at the deli counter. 4> A generally accepted rule of thumb is that your date should have the same number of digits after the date as before. 3> Your date's position as environmental spokesperson really kept you from enjoying your porpoise sandwich. 2> You were only being honest, Gene Hackman in drag *is* arousing. and the Number 1 Reason Last Night's Date Was a Failure... 1> Dinner reservations at House of Beans. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ------------------------------------------------------------- Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Cananda -- 1 (1st #1!) Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 2 LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Fran., CA -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 4 Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY -- 5 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 6 Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 6 Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 6 Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 6 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 7 Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada -- 8 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 9 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 10 Dee Anne Phillips, Shreveport, LA -- 11 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 12 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 14 Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 15 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 16 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner, editor ------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 87 submissions by 34 contributors. ============================================================= *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Looking for the inside scoop on Windows 95 and Windows NT software? It's all on the Windows Sources website www.wsources.com ============================================================= Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ============================================================= Ruminations & Ponderances People act like it's such a shame dinosaurs are extinct, but if they suddenly reappeared and a T-Rex ate a Girl Scout troop, I bet they'd change their minds. (Thanks to Caroline Gennity) ============================================================= ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Tue Sep 10 08:11:11 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 9/10/96 -- Signs You're In the Wrong Religion Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | September 10, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 19 Signs You're in the Wrong Religion 19> Prayer books contain nothing but show tunes. 18> In church, they pass a "specimen plate." 17> Their main prophet is scamming on your girlfriend. 16> You must kneel and pray five times a day facing Redmond, Washington. 15> Parents finally inform you that whether or not Jesus sees his shadow outside of cave on Easter has NOTHING to do with arrival of spring in six weeks. 14> The *only* food that you're allowed to eat is pork. 13> "The first reading is from the Book of Newt..." 12> Your position in the afterlife depends on how many cleaning products you sell here on earth. 11> Larry King's birthday is the High Holy Day for the year. 10> Sacrificing a goat wasn't so bad, but working the tech support line really sucks. 9> Your new messiah claims to have fed the multitudes with a bucket of chicken, some fries, and a Big Gulp. 8> Even though they taste heavenly, you're pretty sure Malomars are not a sacrament. 7> All the commandments begin, "You might be a sinner if..." 6> Commandment #3: "Thou shalt not Bogart thy neighbor's bud." 5> That special announcement saying that your leader, the God Who Walks Among Men, finally got his G.E.D. 4> "Sinner of the Week" eligible for valuable prizes. 3> Constant fear that the elders will discover the laptop you've got squirreled away in the buggy shed. 2> Frequency of circumcision increased from once in a lifetime to once a year. and the Number 1 Sign You're in the Wrong Religion... 1> Communion performed with tortilla chips and a shot of Cuervo. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ------------------------------------------------------------ Gail Celio, E. Lansing, MI -- 1, 13 (2nd #1) Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY -- 2 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 3 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 4 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 5 Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 6, 11 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 7, 10, 17 Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 8 Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 9 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 12 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 14 David E. Spiro, Tucson, AZ -- 15 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 15 Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 16 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 18 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Cananda -- 19 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner, editor ------------------------------------------------------------ Selected from 132 submissions by 47 contributors. ============================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Come chat live about new multimedia authoring tools for Windows, Tuesday at 4pm at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================ Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to "Majordomo@news.zdnet.com" with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send an e-mail message to "top5@walrus.com" with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ============================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances All's fair in love and war, except of course if you launch a cruise missile at your loved one's home. That wouldn't be too fair. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) Send items to top5@walrus.com with "R&P" in the *subject*. ============================================================ ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Thu Sep 12 18:57:36 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 9/12/96 -- Indications That Geeks Rule the Web Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | September 12, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 5 Indications That Geeks Rule the Web 18> I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may implicate me. 17> See contributor list below. 16> 20 bad hurricane names; zero complaints. 15> '96 World Wide Web Consortium postponed due to international shortage of asthma inhalers. 14> 78,859,603,962,549,850,306,721,987,591,357,852 Karaoke home pages -- and counting. 13> Latest Internet polls show Chris White leading Bob Dole by 10 percentage points. 12> Most users chance of hacking into the Pentagon still better than chance of hooking up with Cindy Crawford. 11> 95% of high-level system passwords are based on Star Trek trivia. 10> Bathroom stalls at information superhighway rest stops all covered with java code graffiti. 9> Uh, you're READING it, buddy. 8> Scanned photos of home page owners all look like cross between Lyle Lovett and Thomas Dolby. 7> alt.binary.tape.glasses 6> Money magazine picks Bill Gates as sexiest man alive. 5> Coco Puff stains on the bottom left corner of most WEB pages. 4> Frequent server crashes between 12-1 p.m. because most users have been forced to surrender their lunch money. 3> Fierce Kirk vs. Picard debate crashes AOL. 2> "Click here for your free Netscape pocket protector!" and the Number 1 Indication That Geeks Rule the Web... 1> Actually, Dogbert rules the Web, geeks are just his loyal minions. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: --------------------------------------------------------- Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 1 (1st #1!) Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI -- 2 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 3 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 4, 17 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 6 Lisa Stepaniak, Dearborn, MI -- 7 Dee Anne Phillips, Shreveport, LA -- 8 Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 9 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 10 Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 11 Kathleen Buchanan, Tuscaloosa, AL -- 12 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 13 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 14 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 15 Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 16 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 18 Mr. E. Person, New York, NY -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor --------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 99 submissions by 35 contributors. ========================================================= *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Download BusinessCards/32 for Windows 95, a shareware Rolodex-like replacement for keeping track of contacts, now at http://www.winsources.com ========================================================= Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send a message to top5@walrus.com with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ========================================================= Ruminations & Ponderances It's not the size of the dog in the fight, It's the size of the fight in the dog. (Thanks to Dave Pugh) I think you'd find that a laid-back Doberman would still chew the stuffing out of an ornery Chihuahua. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the rats gnawing on the dog's corpse after he loses. (Thanks to Mitch Patterson) ============================================================= ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Thu Sep 12 21:38:13 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 9/13/96 -- Signs Your Job at Burger King Isn't Workin Reply-To: Top5@walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | September 13, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 16 Signs Your Job at Burger King Isn't Working Out 16> Your incessant "Heh, heh, he said, 'Buns.'" is really getting on your supervisor's nerves. 15> What you thought was an innovative way to keep both you and the meat patties warm turns out to violate several health codes. 14> Your salary just can't support that $200-a-night hooker habit. 13> Nomination as the Republican Party candidate just one big time conflict. 12> Boss fires your slacker butt after realizing that you're not "Herb" after all. 11> Flame broiled, my ass! (No really, I flame broiled my ass!) 10> Latest inventory shows chocolate shake supplies usage has tripled since you were hired and you need a bigger uniform every three days. 9> Those "special orders" not only upset you, they frickin' piss you off! 8> You get caught asking customers in the men's room if they'd "like to supersize that?" 7> Boss insistence on hairnets for your armpits was the last straw. 6> Some young punk with just three years on the job steals your assistant fry boy position. 5> Just no fun anymore to get liquored up, head for the arches and kick some McButt. 4> Arrested one too many times for using your "built-in organic onion ring circumference measuring device." 3> "No shake for you, Lard Ass!" doesn't really reflect your sincere concern about the customer's health. 2> You deep-fry your right arm, hoping it'll make you more "presidential." and the Number 1 Sign Your Job at Burger King Isn't Working Out... 1> When you hand out paper crowns to kids, you say, "Here you go, now you're the King of the Snot-Nosed Little Bastards!" [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ----------------------------------------------------------- Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 1 (4th #1) Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY -- 2 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 3 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 4 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 5 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 6 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 7 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 8 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 9 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 10 Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 11 Jim Louderback, New York, NY -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Dee Anne Phillips, Shreveport, LA -- 13 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 14, 16 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 15 Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 16 Galen Tatsuo Komatsu, Hawaii! -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- Listmeister ----------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 132 submissions from 40 contributors. =========================================================== *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Windows Sources SiteFinder is a searchable database of the hottest Windows 95 and Windows NT related Web sites. Check it out at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================= Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send a message to top5@walrus.com with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ============================================================= Ruminations & Ponderances All we have to fear is fear itself. However, I feel that spiders must also be considered. (Thanks to Chuck Smith) ============================================================= ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Fri Oct 11 06:31:36 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 10/11/96 -- Signs Professional Athletes are Overpaid Reply-To: top5@walrus.com Cc: Top.Five.List.Subscribers@walrus1.walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | October 11, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 16 Signs Professional Atheletes Are Overpaid 16> Yankee players hire hundreds of 12-year-olds to "stretch those long fly balls." 15> Next year's NBA champs: the Chicago Jordans. 14> Latest trend in home design? Wine cellars filled with Bud and Colt 45. 13> Baseball players now spitting Dom Perignon at umpires. 12> You're sending your kid to Quarterback Camp -- and she's only 5 years old. 11> Nothing ends an on-field brawl quicker than a well-timed, "My Limo's Longer Than Yours." 10> If it doesn't say "Chanel," Dennis Rodman just won't wear it. 9> Pitchers and catchers now trading signals via cell phones. 8> Most entourages now bigger than Osmond family reunion. 7> Latest polls show Clinton/Gore only slightly ahead of Jordan/Gretzky. 6> $200K a year to Bill Clinton, leader of the free world. $3.5 million a year to Jeff George, warmer of the free bench. 5> "Deion, you've just won the Super Bowl! What are you doing next?" "I'm BUYING Disneyland!" 4> NFL athletes rumored to be involved in production of "Star Trek VII: First Down." 3> Typical jock's dog now sporting more gold than Carl Lewis and Mark Spitz combined. 2> Not enough fingers and toes to count all the millions. and the Number 1 Sign Professional Atheletes Are Overpaid... 1> Michael Irvin's new off-season home? The entire country of Columbia! [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 1 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 2, 14 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 3 Gloria Monti, New York, NY -- 3 (Rookie!) Mitch Patterson, Melbourne, FL -- 4 Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 5 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 6 Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 7 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 8 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 9, 16 (Hall of Famer) Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 10, 16 Matt Alford, Salem, OR -- 10 Sterling Smith, Houston, TX -- 11 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 12 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 13 Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 15 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 15 Elizabeth Edgerton, anytown, USA -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 98 submissions by 30 contributors. ============================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Get the latest Windows NT news and reviews, at http://www.ntupdate.com =========================================================== Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send a message to top5@walrus.com with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ========================================================== Ruminations & Ponderances If money really made the world go round I would write a big check to make it spin faster during the day. That way, I wouldn't have to spend so much time at work. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ========================================================== The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Tue Oct 22 11:35:10 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 10/22/96 -- Rejected Restaurant Concepts Reply-To: top5@walrus.com Cc: Top.Five.List.Subscribers@newschool.edu Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | October 22, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 5 Rejected Restaurant Concepts 18> O.J. and Jerry Lee's Real Killers(tm) Cafe 17> Snoop's Doggy Diner 16> Michael Jackson's Little Cowboy Fixins 15> Ted Kennedy's Pork & Fork 14> S.H.I. (Sure Happy It's) Thursday's 13> Dahmer's Diner 12> I Can't Believe It's Not Uganda! 11> The Fascist Cafe 10> "This Smell Okay To You?" Leftover Palace 9> Limbaugh's LunchLand 8> Elvis' Deep-Fried Everything Cafe 7> Capt. Hazelwood's House O' Fish 6> Sam 'n Ella's 5> Planet Dole 4> They Might Be Giant Servings 3> The Brunches of Madison County 2> Bambi's House O' Venison and the Number 1 Rejected Restaurant Concept... 1> Bornagain's [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 1 (Hall of Famer / 6th #1) Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 2, 16 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 3 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Cananda -- 4 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 5 Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI -- 6 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 7, 12 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 8, 10 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 9 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 11 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 13 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 13 Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 13 Chris Gleason, Germantown, MD -- 14 Matt Alford, Salem, OR -- 15 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 17 Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 18 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 150 submissions by 41 contributors. =============================================================== *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** LIVE Web-building tutorial with columnist David Strom, Tuesday Oct 22 at 4pm, at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================== Top Five List Helpful Hints To subscribe: Send a message to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" in the body of the message. To unsubscribe: Send a message to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "unsubscribe topfive" in the body of the message. For further info (including how to become a contributor): Send a message to top5@walrus.com with the word "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. ========================================================= Ruminations & Ponderances I think a good prank might be to find a color-blind bullfighter and replace his uniform with a bright red one. Of course, if he got gored by the bull, I guess that wouldn't be too funny. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ============================================================= ** The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com ** Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Tue Nov 5 06:31:52 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 11/5/96 -- Signs President Clinton is Over-Confident Reply-To: top5@walrus.com Cc: Top.Five.List.Subscribers@walrus1.walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | November 5, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 16 Signs President Clinton is Over-Confident 16> Starts victory speech 5 minutes after polls open. 15> Under media pressure, now admits to inhaling, but adds, "I didn't bogart." 14> Making plans to get "strategically bombed." 13> Has already resumed dating. 12> At campaign stops, responds to voters' comments with, "Yeah, whatever." 11> Has already renewed White House digital dish subscription to Playboy Channel for '97. 10> Roger Clinton allowed out of seclusion weeks ahead of schedule. 9> Apparently not even remotely concerned about the weigh-in. 8> Offers to spot Dole ten electoral votes. 7> Embarked on non-stop 96-hour cross-country McDonald's tour. 6> Against his doctor's orders, stopped taking his Beano. 5> Has already purchased a victory bag of "Colombian Catnip", and it ain't for Socks. 4> Spends last day of campaign mooning traffic on Russell, Kansas, street corner. 3> Instead of the usual 3 pizzas for the White House staff's Tuesday dinner, orders 5 and doesn't use a coupon. 2> Seen wearing a t-shirt that says "I Beat Dole in '96 and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!" and the Number 1 Sign President Clinton is Over-Confident... 1> After kissing babies in Houston, kisses babes in Hooters. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ------------------------------------------------------------ Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 1 (4th #1) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 2 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 3 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 4 Jim Louderback, Boston, MA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 6 Tisha Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 7 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 8 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 9 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 10 (Hall of Famer) George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 10 Chris Edmonds, La Costa, CA -- 11 Dave George, Arlington, VA -- 11 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 11 Kate d'Oliveira, Ft. Lauderdale, FL -- 12 Stephen Pace, Houston, TX -- 13 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 13 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 14 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 15 Craig Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 16 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ------------------------------------------------------------ Selected from 125 submissions by 40 contributors. ============================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Search better, faster, with new Web search tools that run on your own PC. Chat today at 4pm at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Subscriptions: Send mail to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" or "unsubscribe topfive" in the body. Info (including contributor info): Mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ============================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Good thing for women I'm not God, because I would probably have taken that rib from Adam and had me a nice little Garden of Eden barbecue instead. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ============================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Wed Nov 6 13:14:54 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 11/6/96 -- Michael Jackson Parenting Tips Reply-To: top5@walrus.com Cc: Top.Five.List.Subscribers@walrus1.walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | November 6, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 19 Michael Jackson Parenting Tips 19> Rather than spanking, threaten to have Tito babysit. 18> When the child does something wrong, grab your crotch, thrust it forward, and scream, "BAD!" 17> Elephant Man bones make a nifty over-the-crib mobile. 16> You should always being willing to share your toys... and so should your child, for that matter. 15> Little friends are always welcome, once they've signed the standard release. 14> Keep baking soda handy to extinguish flaming hair. 13> Don't let your child play with Madonna's child -- some people are just too WEIRD. 12> Teach your child, "Beauty is only skin deep -- but hey, a few face peels never hurt anybody." 11> Wait until your child can effectively bob and weave before allowing him to spend the weekend with his grandpa. 10> At birthday parties, don't leave Elizabeth Taylor unattended at the punch bowl. 9> Snug-fitting diapers will keep you from becoming the "King of Poop." 8> That sheep in the petting zoo is only for Daddy. 7> Teach your child not to spank the monkey. 6> It's OK to love your child, just don't LOVE your child. 5> Frequent plastic surgery keeps your kids feeling and looking *fresh*! 4> Spankings are okay -- but stop if the little tyke's hand gets sore. 3> Let the child pick his nose -- from a catalog. 2> Remove glove *before* changing diaper. and the Number 1 Michael Jackson Parenting Tip... 1> There's nothing a spoonful of sugar, a big hug, and $15,000,000 can't fix. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ------------------------------------------------------------ Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 1, 10 (3rd #1) Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 2 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 3 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 4 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 5 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 6 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 7 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 7 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 8 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 9, 15 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 11 Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 12 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 12, 13, 18 Robin Starveling, Dallas, TX -- 13 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 14 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 16 Craig Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 17 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 19 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ------------------------------------------------------------ Selected from 124 submissions by 40 contributors. ============================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Paul Bonner explains why JavaScript is more like VB than you think, at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Subscriptions: Send mail to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" or "unsubscribe topfive" in the body. Info (including contributor info): Mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ============================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paper work involved when your house lands on a witch. (Thanks to Dave James) ============================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Thu Nov 7 09:18:48 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 11/7/96 -- Signs Your Kid Will Grow Up to be a Crimin Reply-To: top5@walrus.com Cc: Top.Five.List.Subscribers@walrus1.walrus.com Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | November 7, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 17 Signs Your Kid Will Grow Up to be a Criminal 17> Always banging her cup against the crib bars. 16> His imaginary friends? "Vinny the Bull" and "Sluggo." 15> Your garage has more freshly-painted bikes than Toys'R'Us. 14> Enjoys wearing her mom's hosiery - over her head. 13> Other neighborhood kids starting to put "The Club" on their Big Wheels. 12> Her "Weebles" keep knocking over the Playskool bank. 11> Throws temper tantrum when you refuse to let him "bust Lenny outta the joint." 10> Always willing to trade hotels on Boardwalk for "Get Out of Jail Free" card. 9> "Squealers" usually end up floating face down in his Mr. Turtle pool. 8> Uses lemonade stand as front to sell your jewelry. 7> Wears nothing but rodent Garanimals and Unabomber Underoos. 6> Shaves her Ken doll's hair into Mohawk to make homemade Travis Bickle action figure. 5> Hasn't taken her first step yet, but has already taken the fifth. 4> Just landed a guest spot on "Different Strokes." 3> Stubbornly refuses to put the cat back together. 2> Daily breakfast ritual: a little hair of the dog and a fresh stogie. and the Number 1 Sign Your Kid Will Grow Up to be a Criminal... 1> 9mm semi-automatic "BarneyBlaster" tops her Christmas list. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: -------------------------------------------------------------- Matt Alford, Salem, OR -- 1 (3rd #1) Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 2 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 3, 7 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 4 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 4 Craig Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 5 Tisha Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 6 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Jackie Gavron New York, NY -- 8 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 9 Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 10 Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 11 Gene/Cynthia Markins-Dieden, CT -- 12 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 13 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 14 Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI -- 15 Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 16 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 17 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 17 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor -------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 142 submissions by 32 contributors. ============================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Windows Sources DriverFinder now includes links to more than 200 new HP drivers, at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Subscriptions: Send mail to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" or "unsubscribe topfive" in the body. Info (including contributor info): Mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ============================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. In fact they shouldn't even pass stones, because you can see everything through those glass walls. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ============================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Thu Nov 21 05:58:18 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 11/21/96 -- Things Overheard at COMDEX Reply-To: top5@walrus.com Cc: Top.Five.List.Subscribers@walrus1.walrus.com, t5l@newsite.newschool.edu Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | November 21, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ NOTE FROM CHRIS: A bit of explanation for those of you who have yet to succumb to complete geekdom -- The world's largest computer convention, COMDEX, is taking place this week in Las Vegas. The Top 15 Things Overheard at Comdex 15> "Oh, come on -- Kirk can beat Picard's ass any day of the week!" 14> "Empty the trash cans, someone's lost another retainer!" 13> "I'm sorry, Mr. Gates -- this is a $10 minimum table, the $5 minimum tables are over there." 12> "No, sir, we can't accept Apple stock to cover your gambling debts." 11> "Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!" 10> "Free Pocket Protectors at Booth 183! Pass it on!" 9> "Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can split that dollar tip nine ways." 8> "Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay - but I liked 'Virtual Monique' better." 7> "...so Dilbert says to Wally..." 6> "My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time, he'd take away my Nintendo." 5> "...and *I* said, 'That's no hexadecimal assembly code, that's my self-modulating subroutine.' But seriously, folks..." 4> "I don't care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21." 3> "Marc Andreeson to the courtesy desk -- Your mother wants to know what time you'll be home for dinner..." 2> "They call this a breakfast buffet? Where's the Jolt Cola and Doritos?" and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at Comdex... 1> "Hey -- where are all the chicks??" [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ------------------------------------------------------------ Tisha Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 1, 7 (1st #1!) Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 2, 15 (Hall of Famer) Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 3 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 4 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 5 Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 6 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 8 Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- 9 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 10 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 11 Michael Migdol, Osaka, Japan -- 12 John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 14 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ------------------------------------------------------------ Selected from 85 submissions by 35 contributors. See the runners up at our website: www.topfive.com ============================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** NT 4.0 Secrets! Our NT 4.0 experts have uncovered 67 secrets and shortcuts for NT4.0 Workstation and Server, at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Subscriptions: Send mail to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" or "unsubscribe topfive" in the body. Info (including contributor info): Mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ============================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I think than on ice cream trucks, a good idea would be to also sell turtles. That way, kids who aren't allowed to have dairy products or sugar could still have a turtle. (Thanks to Kathleen Buchanon) ============================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Tue Nov 26 07:54:08 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 11/26/96 -- Drill Seargent Pickup Lines Reply-To: top5@walrus.com Cc: Top.Five.List.Subscribers@walrus1.walrus.com, petebest@newsite.newschool.edu Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | November 26, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 15 Drill Sergeant Pick-Up Lines 15> "You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day." 14> "What's a pathetic weak piece of @#$%*! like you doing in a !&%#@$ dump like this?" 13> "Drop trou and give me 20!" 12> "Care to accompany me on a quiet, romantic, moonlit beach for a 5-mile hike and a hundred push-ups" 11> "I'm admiring your strategic frontal mammary tissue mounds, two each." 10> "Remember 'An Officer and a Gentleman'? I'm neither, baby." 9> "The penalty for being out of uniform is a spanking." 8> "Wanna know why I'm called a 'drill' sergeant?" 7> "Drop and give me 69!" 6> "Baby, you put the 'fox' in 'foxhole'." 5> "You only have to give me one pushup, soldier, if it's your bra." 4> "Your perfume reminds me of napalm in the morning." 3> "Drop and give me 20 -- on my lap." 2> "Wanna help me get an 'honorable discharge'?" and the Number 1 Drill Sergeant Pick-Up Line... 1> "Uncle Sam ain't the only one who wants you." [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 1 (6th #1) Craig Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 2 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 3 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 4, 13, Topic (Hall of Famer) David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 5 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 6, 15 Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 7, 8 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 8, 12 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 9 Dave George, Arlington, VA -- 10, 11 Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI -- 14 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- Topic Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- Editor Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 104 submissions from 38 contributors. See the runners up at our website: www.topfive.com ============================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Our NT experts share their secrets and field your troubleshooting questions, at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Subscriptions: Send mail to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" or "unsubscribe topfive" in the body. Info (including contributor info): Mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ============================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances They say that Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, but I think that a laughing gas factory would be pretty tough competition. (Thanks to Greg Pettit) ============================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Wed Nov 27 10:53:17 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 11/27/96 -- Signs You're Too Old to be an Astronaut Reply-To: top5@walrus.com Cc: Top.Five.List.Subscribers@walrus1.walrus.com, petebest@newsite.newschool.edu Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | November 27, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ While regular editor Chris White is vacationing at Club Med Austin, The Top Five List has been brought to you by a series of guest hosts. Yesterday's list came from high atop the world-famous Space Needle in Seattle, Washington, where Jennifer Ritzinger and Bill Muse were toiling feverishly between Pearl Jam concerts and decaf lattes. Today's guest host is Kermit Woodall, who sends in the list from the former murder capitol of the United States ("and we're shooting for #1 again this year!"), Richmond, VA. Thanks again to all three guest hosts. There will be no lists on Thursday and Friday. For better or worse, Chris will put down his beloved bottle of Negra Modelo beer and return from vacation on Monday. Here's wishing everyone a great Thanksgiving holiday. The Top 14 Signs You're Too Old to be an Astronaut 14> Your resume includes that job as Strom Thurmond's nanny. 13> You're really looking forward to seeing the Ottoman Empire from space. 12> Your historic moonwalk speech? "I've fallen and I can't get up!" 11> Being on oxygen, wearing a waste bag, and eating pureed vegatables through a straw are old hat to you. 10> Your '96 bid for the presidency didn't quite pan out. 9> You can't remember the last time you experienced lift-off, if you know what I mean. 8> Forget the "Vomit Comet" test plane -- you failed the "turnstile" test. 7> NASA fits you for a spacesuit support bra -- but you're not female. 6> "Houston, we're venting some sort of gas out into space... no wait, it's just me." 5> NASA isn't all that impressed that you already get all your meals from a tube. 4> You can no longer see over the Shuttle steering wheel without your cushion. 3> During take-off you keep yelling, "If you kids don't knock off that racket, I'm turning this thing around and we're going straight home!" 2> Demand that liftoff be delayed because of time conflict with reruns of "Murder, She Wrote" and "Matlock." and the Number 1 Sign You're Too Old to be an Astronaut... 1> The last time you heard talk of "strange rings around Uranus," it was from your doctor. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: ------------------------------------------------------------ Sterling Smith, Houston, TX -- 1, 6 (4th #1) R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 2, 12 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 3 Craig Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 3 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 4 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 5 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 8 (Hall of Famer) Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 9 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 10 Dave George, Arlington, VA -- 11 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 12 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 13 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 14 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- Topic Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- Editor Chris White, NY, NY -- List owner ------------------------------------------------------------ Selected from, oh, about 100 submissions by 40 contributors. See the daily runners up at our website: www.topfive.com ============================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Download ShellWizard 95 Pro, and customize your Win 95 desktop. -- also -- David Berlind explains the pros and cons of Microsoft's new Windows CE, at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Subscriptions: Send mail to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" or "unsubscribe topfive" in the body. Info (including contributor info): Mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ============================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Never give up on your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at school without any clothes on being chased by the Sta'Puft marshmallow man. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ============================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com Thu Dec 5 08:14:28 1996 Comments: Authenticated sender is To: topfive@news.zdnet.com Subject: TopFive -- 12/5/96 -- Signs American Students are Lacking Math a Reply-To: top5@walrus.com Cc: Top.Five.List.Subscribers@newschool.edu, petebest@newsite.newschool.edu Priority: normal X-Mailer: Pegasus Mail for Windows (v2.42a) Sender: owner-topfive@news.zdnet.com _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.wsources.com | < / | | \ / | December 5, 1996 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 15 Signs American Students are Lacking Math and Science Skills 15> Typical science student thinks the Energizer Bunny disproves that "conservation of energy" theory. 14> They think "Bill Nye the Science Guy" is a grunge band. 13> Hilarious "Top 5" list by purported high school graduate always has 12 or more entries. 12> One, they can't count. Three, they can't add. 11> And the number 3 sign that American Students Are Lacking Math and Science Skills... 10> Ranks of chemists thinned by constant mistaking of H2SO4 for H2O. 9> Hey, it's tough counting the number of beers in a six pack. 8> If they can't find a Number 2 pencil for a test, they bring half of a Number 3. 7> Most students can't locate the earth on a globe. 6> Science Fair project demonstrates Space Shuttle fuel consumption using bottle of Tequila & lemon wedges. 5> "Algorithm" may sound like liquored-up Vice President bustin' a move, but it's not. 4> Your child consistently confuses "Pi-R-Squared" with "Pizza Pizza." 3> Then: Intricate handmade bombs with precise triggering mechanisms. Now: Ryder truck filled with cow manure. 2> Actually, six out of five math teachers say there's no problem whatsoever. and the Number 1 Sign American Students are Lacking Math and Science Skills... 1> "5 + 3 equals... Hey! 'Melrose' is on!" [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, you must include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Today's Top Five List contributors are: --------------------------------------------------------- Jay Allen, Santa Barbara, CA -- 1 (1st #1!) R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 2 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 3 Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 4 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 5 Dee Anne Phillips, Shreveport, LA -- 6 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 7 Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 8 (Rookie!) Michael Migdol, Osaka, Japan -- 9 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 10 Sterling Smith, Houston, TX -- 11 Kate d'Oliveira, Ft. Lauderdale, FL -- 12 Barbara Rush, Tulsa, OK -- 12 (Rookie!) Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 13 Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- 14 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 15 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor --------------------------------------------------------- Selected from 125 submissions from 48 contributors. See the runners up at our website: www.topfive.com ============================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Everything you always wanted to know about Windows NT 4.0 Workstation, but didn't know who to ask, at http://www.winsources.com ============================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Subscriptions: Send mail to Majordomo@news.zdnet.com with "subscribe topfive" or "unsubscribe topfive" in the body. Info (including contributor info): Mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ============================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Did you know that Lou Gehrig died from Lou Gehrig's Disease? What are the odds of that? (Thanks to Bill Muse) ============================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.wsources.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Jan 27 09:26:09 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: TopFive -- 1/27/97 -- Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | January 27, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 14 Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families 14> "Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!" 13> "If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you." 12> "If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man." 11> "Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!" 10> "Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!" 9> "Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore." 8> "Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!" 7> "If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!" 6> "Don't make me put you back in the womb!" 5> "As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear that dress, young man!" 4> "You just wait til your father gets paroled!" 3> "Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin." 2> "Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!" and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families... 1> "All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 121 submissions from 41 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- 1, 10 (1st #1) Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 2 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 3 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 4 Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 5 Craig Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 5 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 6 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 8 Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX -- 9 Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 11 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 12 Tisha Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 13 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 13 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 14 Jonathan Jermey, Blaxland, NSW, Australia -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "The Jacksons", can be found at our website: www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Everything you need to know about the new Pentium MMX chip from Intel can be found at www.winsources.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances There should be a guy who's job it is to run ahead of every pit bull, yelling "A pit bull is coming, a pit bull is coming!" That would give people more time to get up the tree. (Thanks to LeMel Hebert-Williams) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Feb 4 17:08:21 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 2/5/97 - Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars" Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | February 5, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars" 15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself. 14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely. 13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber. 12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke." 11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut. 10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve. 9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass. 8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees. 7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee. 6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'" 5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name. 4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment. 3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint. 2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell. and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"... 1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 116 submissions from 41 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 1 (Hall of Famer - 7th #1) Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 2, 11 (Hall of Famer) Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX -- 3 Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 4, 15 Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 5, 12 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 6 Jesse Garon, San Francisco, CA -- 7 Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 8 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 9, 13 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 10 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 11, 14 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 14 Gail Celio, Athens, GA -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Ewoks", can be found at our website: www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Find out how Macromedia's producing an Audible Shockwave at http://www.winsources.com. ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Too bad they didn't have aluminum siding around the time those 3 little pigs were building their houses. They could have beaten the wolf over the head with it. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Jan 21 18:26:09 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: TopFive -- 1/22/97 -- Dating Tips Omitted from "The Rules" Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | January 22, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ NOTE FOR THE TALK-SHOW IMPAIRED There is a current best-selling book called, "The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Captivating the Heart of Mr. Right" A synopsis describes the book as, "a simple set of dos and don'ts... [to] lead you to where you want to be: in a healthy, committed relationship... Whether you're 18 or 80, a beauty queen or a woman with ordinary looks, THE RULES will work for you." This book is filled with gems such as: "Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday." However, we here at The Top Five List think they've forgotten a few important items... The Top 16 Dating Tips Omitted from "The Rules" 16> Accessorize your wardrobe with meat or cheese. 15> Show him your family is important to you by taking him to visit your mom in prison. 14> Never fake an orgasm before actually having sex. 13> Remember the motel room number, on the off chance he later gets elected president. 12> Stare at his crotch and laugh. Guys dig that. 11> Don't forget to ask if he has a better-looking, wealthier brother. 10> Don't talk to a man first. Plenty of time for that after busting the bedsprings. 9> Avoid snorting milk through your nostrils until after the second date. 8> Struck by an original thought? Isolate it and annihilate it! 7> For an unforgettable first date, let him watch as you bleach your upper lip. 6> Always refuse to ride in the trunk, even in a Jaguar. 5> Surprise him by shaving his name into your leg hair. 4> Tell him you're bisexual... his predictable fantasy of wanting to see you with another woman will keep him attentive for the next few years. 3> Always leave something on your plate, even if you have to bring it back up. 2> Always remember: "No diamond, No hymen!" and the Number 1 Dating Tip Omitted from "The Rules"... 1> If he shows up for the first date in his Starfleet uniform, pepper-spray him. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 121 submissions from 42 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 1 (6th #1) Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 2, Topic (Hall of Famer) Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 3 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 4 Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX -- 5 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 6 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 7 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 8 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 9 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 10 Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 11 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 12 Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 13 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 14 Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 15 Craig Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 16 Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Table for One", can be found at our website: www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Sign Up For Web Wizardry 101! Overcome HTML's blind spots by downloading a custom editor that converts text files from RTF to HTML, at www.winsources.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If aliens ever come to earth, and you're the first person they see, just say, 'Okjulz.' I have a feeling it means something. (Thanks to Adam D. Ashe) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Jan 23 17:23:46 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: TopFive -- 1/24/97 -- Reasons to Remain Childless Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | January 24, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top Five List sends congratulations to contributor Michael Migdol and his wife, Monique, of Osaka, Japan. In honor of their son, Josh, who will be making his debut on planet Earth sometime today, we offer... The Top 16 Reasons to Remain Childless 16> Prove Darwin's theory that "any species' main goal is continued existance of the species" is a big crock o' hooey. 15> Don't have to put childproof cap on the bottle of Ripple. 14> Child care facilities sorely lacking at the convent. 13> Street value has dropped since revision of Tax Code. 12> You give birth to them, nurture them, educate them, show them the path of righteousness, and then what? Tattoos, bizarre hair, and a friggin' 11-game suspension! 11> You're married to Maury Povich. 10> You can tickle Elmo all you want! He's yours, all yours! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! 9> Wild dingos never hang around your campsite. 8> Childbirth takes the wife out of gainful employment for several weeks, and Kathie Lee won't hire the kid for at least 3 or 4 years! 7> Wiping your own ass every day is traumatic enough, isn't it? 6> Not only do you *not* have to share your new Star Wars figures, you don't have to worry about anyone eating their guns. 5> Yet *another* change to piss off the Pope. 4> No guarantee that unborn child won't study science, go insane, and create unspeakable vivisected horrors that will rampage across the smoking ruins of our once verdant landscape, slaying everyone in their path with gigantic insectoid mandibles. 3> You can sit in the bathtub without impaling your butt on a Power Ranger. 2> Toys in the limo always getting under supermodels' feet. and the Number 1 Reason to Remain Childless... 1> Save your passenger-side airbag for bumping off short mother-in-law. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 129 submissions from 46 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 1 (1st #1!) Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 2 Barbara Rush, Tulsa, OK -- 3 Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 4 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 5 Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 6 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 7 Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 8 Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada -- 9 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 10, 16 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 12 Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX -- 13 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 14 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 15 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Orphans", can be found at our website: www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Asymetrix's ingenious SuperCede Java Edition 1.0 A Java development tool like no other! Read our review at www.winsources.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances One day at the park, we lost the baseball. Well, Johnny found a dead seagull, cut off its head, and used that as the ball. That Johnny, he's going to go far. (Thanks to Anna Chin-Williams) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Jan 29 17:49:45 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: TopFive -- 1/30/97 -- Least Known Sayings of Confucius Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | January 30, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 17 Least Known Sayings of Confucius 17> Do the hokey pokey and you shake it all about -- that's what it's all about! 16> I'm tellin' ya, Man -- I could *easily* kick Nostradamus' ass. 15> Ain't no cat like Miles, for like... the quality of notes he puts into the space. (Quoted during Confucius' Beat period.) 14> Your temple or mine? 13> One who knows not pain and suffering of great magnitude has never paid eight bucks to see a Pauly Shore movie. 12> The superior man kicks the photographer when no one looks. 11> Man who bet on AFC in Super Bowl is no smarter than man who wears designer shoes when killing wife. 10> Red China looks like crap with yellow tablecloth. 9> Only by perfect virtue can the perfect path be made a fact -- am I going to fast for you? 8> I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler! 7> Teach a man to fish, then sleep with his wife when he's gone. 6> No shirt, no shoes, no karma! 5> The journey of a thousand laughs begins with a list of five. 4> Don't eat that!!! 3> It may profit a man to market a doll that laughs when tickled or that chews hair, but he who markets inflatable doll that laughs while chewing hair will grow rich beyond all imagining. 2> Light a match, for cryin' out loud! and the Number 1 Least Known Saying of Confucius... 1> Garcon! Fetch me some more Saki, Saki, Bo-Baki, Banana Fana Fo-Faki, Me Mi Mo-Maki -- Saki. And can I get one of those cute little umbrella thingies? [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 124 submissions from 46 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 1 (Hall of Famer - 5th #1) Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 2 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Brian Wilson, New York, NY -- 4 (Rookie, sort of) Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 5 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 6 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 7 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 8, 14, Topic Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 8 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 9 Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 10 JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA -- 11 Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 12 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 13 Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 15 Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 16 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 17 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Confused Us", can be found at our website: www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Dress Up Your Web Pages! Web tools now are doing what desktop publishers have been doing for years: creating style sheets you can use to format entire sites. Learn how, at www.winsources.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances One day I walked into the kitchen and found grandma getting ready to cut up the chicken. "GRANDMA!" I cried, "You said we were having *dog* tonight!!" She replied, "No, that was Anna Chin-Williams' family!" Boy, did we ever laugh about that one! (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Feb 10 19:47:15 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 2/11/97 - Signs You've Chosen the Wrong Date for Valentine's Day Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | February 11, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 15 Signs You've Chosen the Wrong Date for Valentine's Day 15> Her eyes say "Yes" but her probation officer says "No." 14> When sober, he looks like Beavis. When drunk, he looks like Butthead. 13> Sure, the Mapplethorpe exhibit was provocative, but now you're stuck with those tickets for "Wrestlemania XII." 12> The big lug knows how to hang onto a girl, but clinging to the roof of the Empire State Building isn't your idea of a romantic evening. 11> He's hired three naked kids with little bows and arrows to "set the mood." 10> Upon closer inspection, that label reads, "Victoria's Secretions." 9> "Would you like some more wine, Mom?" 8> Any combination of the words "Susan" and "Powter" on her driver's license. 7> She tells the *waiter* that she isn't wearing any underwear. 6> He keeps hitting you up for an $8.5 million loan. 5> His 10 words-per-minute typing means you spend most of the night staring at your monitor. 4> The "hit" by the Giancomo Family was traumatic enough, but NOW you're stuck with the check. 3> Instead of "saying it with flowers," he says it with squash. 2> C'mon, webmaster AND part-time model? She's got to be making this stuff up. and the Number 1 Sign You've Chosen the Wrong Date for Valentine's Day... 1> Every time he pulls you close on the dance floor, his Siamese twin cops a feel. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 119 submissions from 38 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 1 (12th #1) Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 2 Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX -- 3 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 4 Jim Louderback, Boston, MA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Barbara Rush, Tulsa, OK -- 6, 12 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Cananda -- 7 Gregory Swarthout, Murray, UT -- 8 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 9 Sterling Smith, Houston, TX -- 10 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 11 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 13 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 14 Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 15 Chris Walsh, New York, NY -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Whatever Happened to Chuck Woolery?", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** More than 150 drivers have been added to the Driver Finder on http://www.winsources.com. ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If you ever get your tongue stuck to a flagpole, the best way to handle the situation is to take off all your clothes. Then people will say, "Hey, look at the naked guy!" instead of, "Hey, look at that idiot with his tongue stuck to a pole!". (Thanks to Craig Stacey) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Feb 11 19:05:54 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 2/12/97 - Signs Your Dog Has a Problem With Alcohol Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | February 12, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 15 Signs Your Dog Has a Problem With Alcohol 15> Wakes up looking for a little hair o' the human who bit him. 14> Won't go near that darn chuck wagon, but when the bar cart rolls through, he's off like a shot. 13> Lately, you've noticed that he'll even hump a really UGLY leg. 12> No matter what you throw for him to fetch, always returns with a bottle of Cuervo and a lime. 11> Chases pink elephants around the yard instead of squirrels. 10> The only game she'll play with you is "Quarters." 9> Spends more time hugging the toilet bowl than actually slurping from it. 8> Sells house, moves to Vegas, shacks up with beautiful hooker. 7> Justifies quantities consumed by reasoning that they are in "dog beers." 6> When he hikes his leg at the fireplug he keeps falling over backwards. 5> Won't drink out of the toilet unless there's an olive in it. 4> Just signed to do a remake of "Old Yeller" with Kelsey Grammer and Robert Downey, Jr. 3> After a few too many at the office party, tries to pick up the boss's bitch. 2> "Ri *ruv* you, man!!" and the Number 1 Signs Your Dog Has a Problem With Alcohol... 1> He used to bark -- now he just belches the chorus to "Louie, Louie." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 137 submissions from 50 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 1 (3rd #1) Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 2 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 2 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 3 Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 4, 5 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 4 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 4 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 4 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 6 Patrick New, Chicago, IL -- 7 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 8 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 9 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 9, 15 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 10 Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX -- 11 Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 12 Gail Celio, Athens, GA -- 12 Bill Gray, Waterloo, Ontario, Canada -- 13 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 13 Jim Louderback, Boston, MA -- 14 (Hall of Famer) Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 15 Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 15 Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Golden Relievers", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Looking for shareware on the Internet? Check out the March feature from Windows Sources magazine! http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Between the time saved always using the car pool lane and the hassle saved never cleaning bird crap off of your car, it's a wonder more people don't drive with scarecrows in the passenger seat. (Thanks to Dave James) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Feb 13 08:56:42 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 2/13/97 - Euphemisms for Masturbation Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | February 13, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation 16> Lap-based web browsing 15> Gettin' some air nookie 14> Wrangling the invertebrate serpent 13> Tango Con Mano 12> Jostling your Elder 11> Ruminating & Pondering 10> Shaking your fist at the ex-girlfriend 9> Releasing the hostages 8> Tickling your Elmo 7> Fixing the Hubble 6> Putting the seminal luge team through their paces 5> Carnal Tunnel Syndrome 4> Beta-testing the hardware 3> Downloading from your own website 2> Evicting the testicular squatters and the Number 1 Euphemism for Masturbation... 1> Manually Increasing the Surface Temperature of the Ship's Primary Cannon by Repeated Linear Manipulation [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 148 submissions from 52 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 1 (2nd #1) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 2, 6 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 3 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 4 Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 5, 16 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 7, 8 Patrick Douglas Crispen, Univ of Alabama -- 8 Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada -- 8 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 8 Patrick New, Chicago, IL -- 9 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 9 Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 10 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 11, Topic Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 12 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 12 Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 12 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 13 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 14 (Hall of Famer) Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 15 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Home Alone", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** All your questions about the Office suite can be answered! Visit the Expert Answers forum at http://www.winsources.com... ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If humans had cheek pouches like hamsters, I bet restaurants would have to change the policies on their "all you can eat" buffets. (Thanks to Gail Celio) ================================================================ Send your Sweetie a Virtual Valentine! One of the absolute favorite websites of The Top Five List is the *Center for the Easily Amused*. Our own contributor Cathie Walker (along with her new fiance, Brian) have their annual tribute to love in bloom, and they're offering a selection of Virtual Valentines that you can send to the object of your romantic (or carnal) desires. Four love songs are available, each chock full o' links to amusing websites, embedded in the lyrics of these "classic" love songs. The Center for the Easily Amused can be found at www.amused.com. ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Feb 18 09:12:13 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 2/18/97 - Ways O.J. Can Raise $33.5 Million Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | February 18, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 15 Ways O.J. Can Raise $33.5 Million 15> Host a Celebrity Stab-A-Thon. 14> Negotiate with the National Enquirer to admit to the Olympic bombing and the assasination of JFK. 13> Hit Kato up for back rent. 12> Tour guide for Hell, Michigan. 11> "I Fought the Law: An Evening in Vegas with O.J. Simpson and Richard Jewell." 10> Host a TV program about mysterious disappearances of spouses, called the "EX-FILES." 9> Contact the Democratic National Committee fund raisers. 8> Get enormous breast implants; marry an old blind billionaire. 7> Develop super-duper coffee mug - sell a dozen to the Pentagon for $2,791,666.67 each. 6> Arrangement with Satan to receive a penny every time someone thinks he should burn in Hell. 5> "Borrow back" from criminal trial jury. 4> Write a "Homicide for Dummies" book. 3> Open a "Kick Me for $5" booth. Wait. 2> "I'll take 'Golf Courses of Southern California' for 33.5 Million, Alex." and the Number 1 Way O.J. Can Raise $33.5 Million... 1> Invest $67 million in Apple Computer. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 106 submissions from 39 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 1, 12 (2nd #1) Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 2 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 3 Gregory Swarthout, Murray, UT -- 4 John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 6 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 7 Tisha Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 8 Gene/Cynthia Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 9 Anna Chin-Williams, Oakland, CA -- 10 Jesse Garon, San Francisco, CA -- 11 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 13 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 14 Paul Lara, Temple, TX -- 15 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Orange Julius", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Paul Bonner says Microsoft's Visual Basic 5.0 Control Creation Edition is the best free software he's ever seen. Come to Windows Sources' chat room at 4 p.m. today and ask him why at http://www.winsources.com. ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Sometimes, it's better to lie to children. For example, when a child asks if they were adopted, say "yes" and lovingly explain that you have to be extra special to be adopted. Under no circumstances use the word, "kidnapped." (Thanks to Dave James) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Feb 20 19:06:07 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 2/21/97 - Least Frightening Curses Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | February 21, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 14 Least Frightening Curses 14> May the next letter you open give you a VERY nasty paper cut! 13> May you wake up from an afternoon nap and think it to be the next morning! 12> A plague on both your spouses! 11> May the Macarena haunt you all of your days! 10> A plague be on both your AA batteries and ye shall be forced to leave the couch to change thy channel. 9> You are hereby cursed to walk forevermore with a tofu burrito in your pants! 8> May receeding floodwaters leave you with a squishy carpet! 7> May you be prosecuted by Darden and Clark! 6> Henceforth, whenever you utter the name, "Dick Butkis," all those around you will giggle uncontrollably! 5> May your limo's bar be painfully understocked! 4> May the brutal wrath of the entire French Army come down upon your head! 3> May your only daughter be trapped in a steam bath with Michael Jackson! 2> You will be banished to Oregon where you will faithfully send in contributions to the Top Five List... yet none will ever make #1! and the Number 1 Least Frightening Curse... 1> From this day forth, your sport utility vehicle, and those of your children, will make a small 'ping' when shifting into 3rd! [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 87 submissions from 32 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Gray, Waterloo, Ontario, Canada -- 1 (1st #1!) Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 2, 9 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 3, 7 (Hall of Famer) Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 4, 7 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 5 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 6 Jesse Garon, San Francisco, CA -- 7 Jeff Johnson, Daly City, CA -- 8 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 10 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 11 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 12 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 13 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 14 Adam Kahn, Seattle, WA -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "The Curse of the Lame Topic!", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** If you've got questions, we've got answers. Visit Windows Sources' Web site and use our TipFinder or our Expert Answers forum to get responses about Windows 95, NT, Office, ActiveX, and many more topics. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If I plagiarize, it's only because I like someone else's idea better than mine and I want credit for it. (Thanks to Anna Chin-Williams) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Feb 24 19:09:43 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 2/25/97 - Potential Problems With Cloning Humans Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | February 25, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 15 Potential Problems With Cloning Humans 15> Harder than ever to land a role in those new Wrigley's commercials featuring the Doublemint Octuplets. 14> Two words: Gilbert Gottfried(s) 13> Any scientific advancement that stems from the result of Scottish people doing strange things to sheep is bound to have dire consequences. 12> In mere weeks, Bill Gates (v1.0, v1.2, v2.0, v3.0, v3.1 & v5.0) has all the money on the entire planet. 11> Hillary's husband discovers true multiple orgasms. 10> If you think there are too many idiots shouting "Show me the money!" on every occasion now, just wait. 9> Rush Limbaugh takes his self-affection to a whole new level, and suddenly is IN FAVOR of same-sex marriages. 8> "Penn & Penn & Teller & Teller & Teller & Penn & Penn & Teller & Penn" much harder to fit on comedy club marquee. 7> And you think it's hard to find your size now! 6> 18-month waiting list for George Clooney and Cindy Crawford clones. 5> "Alternative" radio filled with even more Nirvana clones. 4> And the final score: the New York Gretzkys - 408, the Pittsburgh Lemieuxs - 399. 3> Can no longer count on the Grim Reaper to get Jesse Helms out of office. 2> Those apocalyptic words: "Ladies & Gentlemen: The John Tesh Philharmonic Orchestra!" and the Number 1 Potential Problem With Cloning Humans... 1> Seventeen Mark Fuhrmans, and suddenly OJ's defense doesn't seem quite as far-fetched. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 143 submissions from 50 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 1, 5 (6th #1) Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 2 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 2 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 2 Gene/Cynthia Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 3 Jeff Johnson, Daly City, CA -- 4 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 4 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 4 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 6 Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 7 Jesse Garon, San Francisco, CA -- 7 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 7, 14 Tisha Stacey, St. Paul, MN -- 8 JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA -- 9 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 10 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 11 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 12 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 13 Kris Kettner, Fond du Lac, WI -- 14 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 15 LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Francisco, CA -- 15 (Hall of Famer) Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 15 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Gabor", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Visit Windows Sources' Web site, where Editor-in-Chief David Berlind explains how, when it comes to high-speed Internet connections, the cable companies are leaving the Baby Bells behind. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances S.C.U.B.A stands for something, but I can't remember what it is. I think it might involve the Village People. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Fri Mar 7 12:17:52 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 3/7/97 - Latin Phrases for the 90's Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" _____________________________________ _________| |________ \ | The Top Five List | / \ | www.topfive.com | / \ | | / \ | Sponsored by Windows Sources | / > | www.winsources.com | < / | | \ / | March 7, 1997 | \ / |_____________________________________| \ /___________) (__________\ The Top 15 Latin Phrases for the 90's 15> "Log floggit cum palma folliculus." -- (If you don't stop it, you'll go blind.) 14> "Nolo Contendere." -- (Hillary, you're on your own.) 13> "Domino vobiscum." -- (The pizza guy's here.) 12> "Dumbassus! Hottie iste transvestitus!" -- (Fool! That gorgeous woman is a crossdresser!) 11> "Auda similarum ad seattles." -- (They all sound just like Pearl Jam.) 10> "Erectionus finalum." -- (Anna Nicole Smith is here, Gramps.) 9> "Boobi falsetti starrius." -- (Sugar, if ya wanna be a star, you're gonna have to do something about that bustline.) 8> "Veni, veni, veni!" -- (I came, I came, I came!) 7> "Sharpei diem." -- (Sieze the Wrinkle Dog.) 6> "Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus." -- (Remove foil before microwaving.) 5> "Motorolus interruptus." -- (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.) 4> "Il guyus nissanem iste ickye." -- (That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.) 3> "Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus." -- (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.) 2> "Dictum ad tua mater." -- (Word to your mother!) and the Number 1 Latin Phrase for the 90's... 1> "Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum." -- (A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.) [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ] Selected from 94 submissions from 34 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 1 (2nd #1) Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 2 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 3 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 4, 12 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 5 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 6 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 7 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 8 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 9 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 10 Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 11 Paul Seaburn, Houston, TX -- 13 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 14 (Hall of Famer) Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 15 Susan Eisen, Newcastle, UK -- Topic Alan Wagner, Bayside, WI -- Runner Up list name Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Propinquus sed nullas coronas", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ *** Windows Sources Spotlight *** Driver Finder: We've added Opti to our database of drivers for Windows 95 and Windows NT. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Just once, I'd like to see a claustrophobic mime do that "stuck in a box" trick without screaming like a banshee. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ The Top Five List http://www.topfive.com Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Apr 2 18:58:50 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 4/3/97 - Life With a 2-Foot Long Tongue Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Late Breaking: Read our review of US Robotics 56K faxmodem. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ To forward or repost, please include the following: [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] April 3, 1997 The Top 15 Ways Your Life Would Change if Your Tongue Were 2 Feet Long 15> Wet willies from two tables away! 14> Almost guaranteed to be Madonna's sole boyfriend for at least a week or two. 13> Now can carry *two* dozen donuts while juggling. 12> Much easier to clean behind the refrigerator. 11> You can finally do that 3-puppet show without getting arrested. 10> Two-handed typing during cybersex! 9> Interested in Anna Nicole Smith but you're 18, healthy and poor? Not a problem anymore! 8> You'd be a shoe-in for Hollywood "Lizard Boy" roles. 7> For once, it'll be the dog's turn to look at you with envy. 6> You'd need Mick Jagger's lips & John Elway's teeth to stay in proportion. 5> When picking nose, can "cut out the middle man." 4> Tie a cherry stem with your tongue? Hell, gobble a handful and weave a friggin' picnic basket! 3> Increased number of taste buds finally allows one to discern between Kool-Aid flavors. 2> Your previously-neglected navel would suddenly be your second cleanest body part. and the Number 1 Way Your Life Would Change if Your Tongue Were 2 Feet Long... 1> The counselor at Oversized Features Anonymous shows interest in you, but you can't help but question her motives. Selected from 147 submissions from 49 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Anna Chin-Williams, Oakland, CA -- 1, 11 (1st #1!) Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 2, Topic Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 2 Gregory Swarthout, Murray, UT -- 3 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4, Topic John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 5, 13 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 6 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 7 Natasha Filipovic, New York, NY -- 7 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 8 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 9 Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 10 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 12 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 14 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 14 Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- 15 Sharon Silva, Clarksville, TN -- Runners Up list name Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- Runners Up list name Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Cat Baths, $2.00", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Sure everyone will tell you how tough it sounds, but trust me, having "Bobby Brady" for your gang nickname is nothing but trouble. (Thanks to Dave James) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Apr 3 18:57:58 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 4/4/97 - Slogans That Never Quite Caught On Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Late Breaking: Read our review of Creative Labs' Creative Labs PC-DVD multimedia upgrade kit. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ To forward or repost, please include the following: [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] April 4, 1997 The Top 15 Slogans That Never Quite Caught On 15> Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err." 14> Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?" 13> Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum." 12> MTV: "Loud and easy to spell." 11> Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid." 10> Iguana: "The other green meat." 9> Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!" 8> Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!" 7> Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years." 6> Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!" 5> Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!" 4> Trojans: "Just add meat." 3> Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!" 2> Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!" and the Number 1 Slogan That Never Quite Caught On... 1> Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?" Selected from 118 submissions from 40 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 1 (1st #1!) Sterling Smith, Houston, TX -- 2 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 3 Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 4, 8 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 5 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 6 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 7 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 8 (Hall of Famer) Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Clint Berquist, whereabouts unknown -- 10, Topic Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 11 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 12 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 13 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 14 (Hall of Famer) Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 15 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "AOL: Just Wait and See!", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a politician, even if you can't hear the tree or the screams, I'll bet you'd at least hear some applause. (Thanks to Paul Tindale) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Apr 30 19:21:03 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 5/1/97 - Surprises on the Special Episode of "Ellen" Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T "Now with scrubbing crystals!" ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Check out Internet Explorer -- Webware for reviews of online training and support websites. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ May 1, 1997 The Top 15 Surprises on the Special Episode of "Ellen" 15> Episode pre-empted in Birmingham, Alabama, for weekly showing of Deliverance. 14> Ellen's not gay at all! He's just a lonely guy who wanted to get in the sack with Laura Dern. 13> Unable to "fight biology," Ellen quits the book store to become a gym teacher. 12> In surprise ending, Laura Dern is devoured by jealous female Tyrannosaurus Rex. 11> Ralph Reed guests as a recruiter from The Citadel. 10> "Coming up next... a *VERY* special "Blossom." 9> Ellen makes an impassioned plea for recognizing homosexuals as normal people, then, to prove her point, she goes berserk and Uzi's a Wendy's. 8> Ellen's not only a lesbian -- she's also the Lesbian Club president. 7> The name of the show is changed to "Hot Girl-Girl Action!" 6> Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson get into a fistfight over who gets to throw the first stone. 5> Special cameo appearance by Jerry Mathers as The Beaver. 4> Daisy Duck admits to a shocked Michael Eisner that she's never REALLY been attracted to Donald. 3> OMIGOD! Ellen's GAY?!?!? Why hasn't this been in the news?? 2> New, openly gay Ellen can *STILL* date Michael Jackson. and the Number 1 Surprise on the Special Episode of "Ellen"... 1> Entire episode sponsored by Duracell and Snap-On Tools. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 117 submissions from 44 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 1 (8th #1) Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 1, 7 (3rd #1) Jeffrey House, Detroit, MI -- 1, 14 (3rd #1) David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 2 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 3 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 3 Ericka Fowler, New York, NY -- 4 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 5 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 6 Gregory Swarthout, Murray, UT -- 8 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Bob Mader, Knoxville TN -- 10 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 11 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 12 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 13 Patrick Douglas Crispen, Univ of Alabama -- 15 Another dozen people -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "The Rosie O'Donnell List", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man? My Uncle Hank used to tell me, "The answer, my friend, is only one, if that road's in the red light district." (Thanks to Rich Potter) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu May 1 19:14:54 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 5/2/97 - Signs You Have a Gambling Problem Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T "Now in 5 pastel shades" ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Learn how to break Windows 95's rules in this month's Control Panel. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ May 2, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You Have a Gambling Problem 15> Your attempt to sweet-talk your wife by comparing her eyes to "two oranges and a cherry" fails dismally. 14> Who knew you'd lose your shirt betting Bruce would go bald before Demi? 13> It's not that you bet on the Australians to win; it's that you bet on the America's Cup in the first place! 12> You wagered against Ellen being gay... Double or nothing on Wolfe Blitzer! 11> Ceasar's Palace sends a limo to pick you up - and you live in Rushville, Indiana. 10> Although uncredited, you were in more scenes of "Leaving Las Vegas" than Nicolas Cage. 9> Strong desire to have sex with Keith Richards and/or Courtney Love. 8> Every night during "Wheel of Fortune," you scream, "Screw the vowels, spin the damn wheel!!" 7> You bet "yes" on whether or not your suicide attempt will be successful. 6> Every year you have to get a goofy haircut because you lose the bet about being elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame. 5> You're the proud inventor of a do-it-yourself gold filling extractor. 4> When your 12-year old complains about conditions in the mines, you retort, "Try slaving over a hot craps table all day, kid!" 3> That stack of lottery tickets in your shirt pocket is thick enough to stop a bullet. 2> Donald's newest casino: The Trump Taj MaLarry. Your name: Larry. and the Number 1 Sign You Have a Gambling Problem... 1> When someone spins a lazy Susan, you slap a C-note on the counter and yell, "Creamed corn, baby, come on!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 103 submissions from 38 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 1 (8th #1) Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 2 Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 3, 15 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 4 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 5, 14 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 6 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 8 (Hall of Famer) John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 9 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 10 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 11 Bob Mader, Knoxville TN -- 12 Jesse Garon, San Francisco, CA -- 13 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "So, what's up with the Sonics?", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances At first, I was opposed to the so-called satellite mind-control transmissions. (Thanks to Barbara Rush) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From dobbin@tma.com Wed Jun 11 14:13:05 1997 Subject: FW: Top5 - 6/11/97 - Questions on the Spice Girl Job Application (fwd) To: adam at xent dot com (Adam Rifkin [WM BJ]), richardgoodman@juno.com (Richard Goodman [WM BJ C]) Mailer: Elm [revision: 66.25] Ok, it's taken them years, but they've finally come out with an unabashedly funny one. Yea them! > > > ---------------Original Message--------------- > ================================================================ > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > Live from the Moulin Rouge > ================================================================ > Sponsored by Windows Sources > > Code Name -- Memphis > An OS Ready to Bridge the Gap > Between Windows 95 and NT > http://www.winsources.com > ================================================================ > > > June 11, 1997 > > > The Top 15 Questions on the Spice Girl Job Application > > > > 15> In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, > really, want this job. > > 14> Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your > hooters? > > 13> Would it, like, bother you to be the target of unrelenting > hatred? > > 12> How would you best describe yourself? > ( ) An energetic self-starter > ( ) A team player > ( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet > > 11> True or false: A mosh pit is the seed of the mosh fruit. > > 10> "I am willing to trade sexual favors for a career in the music > industry." ( )Yes ( )No > > 9> How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar? > > 8> Does nudity bother you? If so, should I put my clothes back on? > > 7> Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of > individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of > neurochemical medicine and modern behavioralist psychology. > Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts? > > 6> Are you deceptively attractive in colored or stroboscopic light? > > 5> Choose an appropriate nickname: Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Chlamydia. > > 4> Have you ever been convicted of combining vertical and > horizontal stripes? > > 3> If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers, > and 75 kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look in > spandex? > > 2> Does the term "force majeure in perpetuity" make you afraid or > just giggly? > > > and the Number 1 Question on the Spice Girl Job Application... > > > 1> If required as part of your deal with Satan, would you be > willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness? > > > [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] > [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] > [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] > > > Selected from 78 submissions from 30 contributors. > Today's Top Five List authors are: > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 1, 7 (2nd #1) > Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 2 > David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 3 > Dave George, Arlington, VA -- 4 > Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 5, 15 > Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 6 > Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 8 > Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 9 > Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 10 > Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 10 > R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 10 > Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 11 > Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 12, 15 > LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Fran, CA -- 12, Topic (Hall of Famer) > Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 13 > Alexander Clemens, San Fran, CA -- 14 > Matt Alford, Portland, OR -- 15 > Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 15 > Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Topic > Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > Today's Runners Up list, "Cayenne has left the building!", > can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com > ================================================================ > T H E T O P F I V E L I S T > To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com > To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com > For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com > with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. > To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: > Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. > ================================================================ > > Ruminations & Ponderances > > Sometimes before bed, I look in the mirror and > wonder just what I'll be doing in ten years. > Then I look at the clock and think, "Probably flossing." > > (Thanks to April Van Scherpe) > > ================================================================ > Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com > This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com > ================================================================ > > > ----------End of Original Message---------- > > > > =========================== > carmona@tma.com > 06/11/97 - 05:08:12 > > > > -- dobbin@tma.com Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point. From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Jun 17 19:08:35 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 6/18/97 - Punchlines Without Jokes Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now with extra cleansing crystals ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Ricoh MP6200S Burn CDs Over and Over http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ June 18, 1997 The Top 15 Punchlines Without Jokes 15> ...and Ms. Reno says, "Yeah, and it's DEEP, too!" 14> ...and the film will star Tom Arnold, Pauley Shore, and Quentin Tarantino. 13> "If word gets out, EVERYONE will want an extra pancreas." 12> ...and her husband says, "But they're twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 11> ...and she says, "So that's what Tiger means by 'getting up and down in two'." 10> ...so Steve Buschemi says, "How much Bosco can you drink, anyway?!" 9> "So's mine, lady -- must be the salt water!" 8> "So the talking duck turns to the guy and says, 'You wanna hear my impression of De Niro?'" 7> ...then the doctor says, "Ok, now it's my turn to cough". 6> Freud -- Because he'd get so excited by the donut that he'd never miss his wallet! 5> "If you can say you're a Kennedy, I can say I'm 18." 4> "Well if I'd known I had a squid in my underwear, I would have ordered the rice pilaf." 3> ...then the second trapper cried, "Sacre bleu! I deed not know she was ze prime ministaire's daughtaire!" 2> The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with HIS. and the Number 1 Punchline Without a Joke... 1> ...then Cathy Lee says, "What do you mean there's no such thing as Tuesday Night Football?!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 124 submissions from 46 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 1 (9th #1 / Hall of Famer) Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 2, 12 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 3 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 4 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 5 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Jim Key, Garland, TX -- 7 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 8 Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 9 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 10 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 11 Gregory Swarthout, Murray, UT -- 13 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 14 Dave George, Arlington, VA -- 15 Galen Tatsuo Komatsu, Hawaii! -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Knock, Knock!", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Okay, fine! If *YOU* get to wear the dress, *I* get to blow up the house. (Thanks to Chris Gahan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Jun 24 19:22:45 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4031" "Tue" "24" "June" "1997" "20:09:06" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "113" "Top5 - 6/25/97 - Plays Shakespeare Didn't Publish" "^From:" nil nil "6" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA29804; Tue, 24 Jun 97 19:22:43 PDT Received: from key-colony.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09869; Tue, 24 Jun 97 19:21:25 PDT Received: from tahiti.prod.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by tahiti.prod.merc.com (version 3.23, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id AABEV08859; Tue, 24 Jun 1997 20:09:06 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 6/25/97 - Plays Shakespeare Didn't Publish Date: Tue, 24 Jun 1997 20:09:06 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Have Thee Milk? ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Has a company or product got you down? Was tech support not supportive at all? We'll go to bat for you, in the ombudsman. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ June 25, 1997 The Top 16 Plays Shakespeare Chose Not to Publish 16> Christopher Marlowe Can Kiss My Elizabethan Ass 15> Henry VIII, I Am, I Am 14> Fast Times at Verona High 13> A Midsummer Night's Nocturnal Emission 12> Om'let 11> Love's Fing'r Pulled 10> Romeo & Steve 9> Twelfth Night, Children Stay Free 8> Felines 7> Henry VIII was a Big Fat Idiot 6> Six Degrees of Francis Bacon 5> Stratford-upon-Avon 90210 4> Hamlet II - Where the hell is everybody? 3> Romeo & Michelle's High School Reunion 2> King Gump and the Number 1 Play Shakespeare Chose Not to Publish... 1> Booty Calleth [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 123 submissions from 40 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 1 (11th #1) Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 1 (3rd #1) Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA -- 2 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 3, 13 Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 3 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 4 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 5 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 6, 7, 10 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 8 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 9, banner tag Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 10 (Hall of Famer) George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 11 Chris Gleason, Germantown, MD -- 12 Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 13, 15, 16 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 13 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 14 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 15 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 15 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- Runners Up list name Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Howard The Duke", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Am I alone in the Universe? Judging by the screaming coming from next door, I'd have to say no. (Thanks to Chris Gahan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Jun 26 19:11:37 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4619" "Thu" "26" "June" "1997" "20:08:20" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "119" "Top5 - 6/27/97 - Nike Excuses for Exploitation" "^From:" nil nil "6" nil nil nil nil] nil) X-UIDL: f020bee712127dc31e34f0203f2394b4 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11128; Thu, 26 Jun 97 19:11:36 PDT Received: from key-colony.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA01898; Thu, 26 Jun 97 19:10:19 PDT Received: from tahiti.prod.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by tahiti.prod.merc.com (version 3.23, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id AABET29376; Thu, 26 Jun 1997 20:08:20 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 6/27/97 - Nike Excuses for Exploitation Date: Thu, 26 Jun 1997 20:08:20 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T 90% Sweatshop Free ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Windows Sources First Annual Experts' Choice Awards http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ June 27, 1997 The Top 16 Excuses Given by Nike to Justify Third World Exploitation 16> It's not slave labor. It's... it's... T'ai Chi class! 15> You think we're ripping THEM off?? YOU paid $200 for that molded rubber you're wearing. 14> 14 cents an hour buys *twice* as much in Southeast Asia than it does in the U.S. 13> We'd pay 'em more if they had a decent fadeaway jumper. 12> Relax! We only require 20 hours a week from the terminally ill or malnourished. 11> A nation of 5-year olds who not only can tie a shoe, but can MAKE a shoe? That's not exploitation, pal, that's progress! 10> If we paid our workers a living wage, Michael couldn't support his golf gambling habit. 9> Hey, do you know how many bathroom breaks a 9-year old takes?? *We're* the ones being exploited! 8> Too busy counting our money to notice. 7> CEO Phil Knight still owes Bill Gates a few billion from last year's poker game. 6> Interior decor of company jet was *embarrassingly* passi. 5> Hey, Reebok gets *their* shoe leather from baby seals! 4> Complaints about LOW PAY? We thought it was Lo Pei, the supervisor! 3> Average hourly wage for young workers much higher if you include Tiger Woods. 2> Our CEO keeps downsizing his conscience. and the Number 1 Excuse Given by Nike to Justify Third World Exploitation... 1> Just Screw 'Em! [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 120 submissions from 42 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 1 (5th #1) Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 1 (2nd #1) Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 2 Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 3, 5 Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 3 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 4 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 6 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 7 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 8 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 10 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 11 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 12, 14 Gene/Cynthia Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 13 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 15 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 16 Rob Wells, Paris, France -- Topic Trent Reznor, Cleveland, OH -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "'Payless' is OUR motto.", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances It seems a shame about the buffalo, until you realize that they *were* mighty tasty. (Thanks to Wade Kwon) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Sun Jun 29 19:05:14 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5223" "Sun" "29" "June" "1997" "20:03:40" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "128" "Top5 - 6/39/97 - Time to Abandon Your Space Station" "^From:" nil nil "6" nil nil nil nil] nil) X-UIDL: 538c49170b9ee41c3f7a8aa5a7d61fb9 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA22599; Sun, 29 Jun 97 19:05:11 PDT Received: from key-colony.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA29940; Sun, 29 Jun 97 19:05:06 PDT Received: from tahiti.prod.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by tahiti.prod.merc.com (version 3.23, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id AABEP28965; Sun, 29 Jun 1997 20:03:40 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 6/39/97 - Time to Abandon Your Space Station Date: Sun, 29 Jun 1997 20:03:40 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Actual savings may vary. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources DriverFinder has been updated with more than 250 new NT printer drivers, including more than 100 from HP. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ June 30, 1997 The Top 15 Signs It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station 15> Breakfast, lunch & dinner, every day -- Van DeCamp's Pork-and-Beans-in-a-tube. 14> "Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the cancellation of your insurance policy..." 13> Ship's computer calmly says, "I don't know what air leak you're talking about, Comrade Dave." 12> The Benetton and the Starbucks were bad enough, but that new yuppie cigar bar is really stinkin' up the place. 11> Ever since Joel left the show, it just hasn't been as funny. 10> Latest addition to the onboard crew? Some French guy who brought 200 cartons of cigarettes. 9> Mission Control announces they're going to attempt a tricky docking maneuver with the Space Shuttle Kevorkian. 8> Space station's warranty expired 3,834,621 miles ago. 7> Tang and Stoli screwdrivers have lost their kick. 6> The damage is repairable, but ever since the collision, "Comrade Wussky" has been shrieking nonstop. 5> After several days of low oxygen, you're starting to give serious consideration to Cosmonaut Andrei's offer to join the "Hundred Mile High" club. 4> It's down to just you and Sigourney Weaver. 3> Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops. 2> Spice Girls on the holodeck. and the Number 1 Sign It's Time to Abandon Your Space Station... 1> That last little collision not only set off the emergency warning, it ruined the last of your clean boxer shorts. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 146 submissions from 50 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 1 (2nd #1) Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 2 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 3 Lisa Stepaniak, Dearborn, MI -- 4 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 5, 7, 12 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 5, Topic Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA -- 5 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 5 Tisha Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 6 Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 7, 9, 13 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 8, 14 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 9 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 10 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 11 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 12 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 13 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 13 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 13 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 13 Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 13 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 14 Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 15 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 15 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- Runner Up list name George Clinton & Bootsy Collins -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Absolut-ly close", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I don't understand why women get upset when you compare them to one of the monkeys from Planet of the Apes, even one of the heroic ones, like Dr. Zera. (Thanks to David James) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Jun 30 19:13:01 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4381" "Mon" "30" "June" "1997" "20:08:28" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "114" "Top5 - 7/1/97 - New Problems for Mike Tyson" "^From:" nil nil "6" nil nil nil nil] nil) X-UIDL: 49d42c8baa0357ee3fa1403c0e6f297e Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA28377; Mon, 30 Jun 97 19:12:59 PDT Received: from key-colony.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA10046; Mon, 30 Jun 97 19:11:39 PDT Received: from tahiti.prod.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by tahiti.prod.merc.com (version 3.23, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id AABEO05023; Mon, 30 Jun 1997 20:08:28 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/1/97 - New Problems for Mike Tyson Date: Mon, 30 Jun 1997 20:08:28 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T As seen on TV! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Kodak's DC120 Zoom Digital Camera More than a megapixel for less than $1,000. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 1, 1997 The Top 5 New Problems for Mike Tyson 15> Fight controversy may adversely affect pro wrestling career. 14> Upcoming TV special with Martha Stewart in doubt. 13> That constant ringing in his mouth. 12> Spock vs. Tyson bout hastily cancelled. 11> Can't decide between the Crest & Tom's of Maine endorsement deals. 10> Kids really start to freak out whenever he tries to play "Got Your Nose." 9> New nickname of "Nipsy" less intimidating than "Iron Mike." 8> Has absolutely no idea how to handle his next opponent, Vinny "No Ears" Bottatucci. 7> Nobel people called -- they want their peace prize back. 6> Saturday: Bite some guy's ear off. Sunday: Ozzy Osbourne won't stop pestering you to go for a drink. 5> Willing opponents now down to Vincent Van Gogh and J.Paul Getty, Jr. 4> Don King, fearing a loss of credibility, ups commission from 98 to 99% 3> ASPCA has yet to approve match with Marmaduke. 2> He's starting to make O.J. look respectable. and the Number 1 New Problem for Mike Tyson... 1> Recurring fantasies about Ross Perot and Prince Charles. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 145 submissions from 49 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 1 (7th #1) Dave George, Arlington, VA -- 1, 7 (6th #1) Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 2 Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI -- 3 (welcome back!) Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 4 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 5, 6 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 5, 13 Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 5 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 5 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 6 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 8 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 9 (Hall of Famer) R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 10 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 11 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 12 Jim Key, Garland, TX -- 14 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 15 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- Banner tag L.L. Cool J, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Tomato Cans", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I want my tombstone to read: "We can't seem to find his body." Because then maybe I'll still be alive. (Thanks to Jonathan Colan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Jul 1 20:06:47 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4509" "Tue" "1" "July" "1997" "20:08:08" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "117" "Top5 - 7/2/97 - Surprises in Hong Kong" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) X-UIDL: 8d82348763e477623a37b93b357805aa Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA04233; Tue, 1 Jul 97 20:06:45 PDT Received: from key-colony.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA20173; Tue, 1 Jul 97 20:00:20 PDT Received: from tahiti.prod.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by tahiti.prod.merc.com (version 3.23, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id AABEM03871; Tue, 01 Jul 1997 20:08:08 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/2/97 - Surprises in Hong Kong Date: Tue, 01 Jul 1997 20:08:08 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Nominated for 0 Academy Awards ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources MetaCreations Fractal Design Painter Whatever Your Boat, Painter Floats It. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 2, 1997 The Top 16 Surprises the Chinese Will Discover About Hong Kong 16> Wacky British pranksters have supplied street urchins with plenty of cream pies & pudding balloons. 15> Local police won't take bushel of rice as a bribe. 14> If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow. 13> 21-gun salutes aren't actually intended to kill 21 demonstrators. 12> Everywhere you look: bronze statues of "Hong Kong Phooey." 11> No matter how many times they're imprisoned as political dissidents, Hong Kong citizens will never completely stop reciting old Monty Python sketches. 10> Wealthiest landowner? None other than Jed Clampett. 9> Now that Jackie Chan has refused, the government has to find a new Ambassador of Ass-Kicking. 8> Wimpy Capitalists unable to take more than 5 or 10 minutes of brutal interrogation before expiring. 7> Confused Clarence Thomas milling about, looking for "Hong Kong Silver." 6> Favorite flavor at Ben and Jerry's? "Mao Sucks." 5> No tank HOV lanes. 4> Insisting it wasn't part of the deal, China refuses to accept Great Britain's attempt to "return" Fergie. 3> An hour later, you want to reclaim another state. 2> That Peter Jennings guy sure can trash a hotel room. and the Number 1 Surprise the Chinese Will Discover About Hong Kong... 1> If everybody skootches over, you can fit 100 million people in here! [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 114 submissions from 41 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 1 (11th #1) Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI -- 2 Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 3, 7 Barbara Rush, Tulsa, OK -- 4 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 5 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 6 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 8 Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 9 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 10, 13 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 11 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 12 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 14 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 15 Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 16 Name withheld by request -- Banner tag China Crisis, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Party Poopers", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I'm starting to believe that New Mexico UFO incident actually happened. If you scramble the letters in Roswell, you get "lwsreol." Coincidence? I think not. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Jul 2 20:20:51 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4302" "Wed" "2" "July" "1997" "21:13:01" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "113" "Top5 - 7/3/97 - Signs You're Too Old to Still Be a Virgin" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) X-UIDL: 2b578813b139b71e2edb3f466d473367 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA10020; Wed, 2 Jul 97 20:20:49 PDT Received: from key-colony.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA00896; Wed, 2 Jul 97 20:19:56 PDT Received: from tahiti.prod.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by tahiti.prod.merc.com (version 3.23, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id AABEN14250; Wed, 02 Jul 1997 21:13:01 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/3/97 - Signs You're Too Old to Still Be a Virgin Date: Wed, 02 Jul 1997 21:13:01 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Gimme Five! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources ACCPAC Simply Accounting 5.0 Features Catch Up, Usability Falls Short http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 3, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You're Too Old to Still Be a Virgin 15> You've resorted to cruising AARP meetings. 14> Impressed by your streak, Cal Ripken sends YOU fan letters. 13> Your home state? Arkansas. Your age? 12. 12> When you slip into something more comfortable, it's usually a coma. 11> Every night at home, your mother reminds you that all the other Supreme Court justices have had sex. 10> Black lace garter belt now attaches to your Depends. 9> Dating criteria have fallen from "rich and attractive" to "breathing." 8> The only tongue action you have enough energy for is to pop those dentures back in place. 7> When your date suggests you "get nasty," you start picking your nose. 6> You're the King of Pop, for crying out loud. 5> When ogling the pool boy, you find yourself coveting his comfortable-looking sandals. 4> Mind addled by lack of sex, you find yourself standing at the altar next to John Tesh. 3> "Going all the way" takes on a new meaning, thanks to Metamucil. 2> Saving yourself for Ringo seemed like a groovy idea at the time. and the Number 1 Sign You're Too Old to Still Be a Virgin... 1> Last young man you smiled at seductively escorted you across the street. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 135 submissions from 47 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Caroline Gennity, Virg. Beach -- 1 (14th #1 / Hall of Famer) Jennifer O. Gall, Los Angeles, CA -- 2 Patrick Kachurek, Ann Arbor, MI -- 3 Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 4 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 5 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 6 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 7 Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA -- 8 (Hall of Famer) Dee Anne Phillips, Shreveport, LA -- 9 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 10 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 11, 15 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 12 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 13 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 14 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- Runner Up list name Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- Topic (Hall of Famer) ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Old Maids", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Wreckless Driving -- You'd think that would be a *good* thing. (Thanks to Chris Sampson) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Jul 8 19:03:02 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4855" "Tue" "8" "July" "1997" "20:01:20" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "119" "Top5 - 7/9/97 - Things Overheard in Roswell, NM" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) X-UIDL: 5cb0d9625734a89754a9ede389bb83e3 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA01037; Tue, 8 Jul 97 19:02:59 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA26522; Tue, 8 Jul 97 19:02:24 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABEL01588; Tue, 08 Jul 1997 20:01:20 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/9/97 - Things Overheard in Roswell, NM Date: Tue, 08 Jul 1997 20:01:20 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T In Stereo Surround Sound Where Available ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources InstallShield Software InstallShield 5 Professional Helps Developers Make a Good First Impression http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 9, 1997 The Top 15 Things Overheard in Roswell, NM, This Week 15> "Man, I coulda saved NASA a heap o' money. I done been to Mars and it ain't nuthin' but a buncha rocks." 14> "Isn't that Larry King down on one knee with that alien?" 13> "Alright, everyone, listen up: Heaven's Gate cult freaks in this line, drunk rednecks in this line, and X-Philes and Trekkies over there." 12> "Fifteen bucks to view an alien colostomy bag?" 11> "False alarm, everyone, calm down! And you two, put that Frisbee away, for cryin' out loud!" 10> "Better get another case of aluminum foil and some more wire -- these Genuine Alien Artifacts is sellin' like hotcakes!" 9> "What they *also* won't tell you is that one of them Kennedy boys was a-drivin' when they crashed." 8> "Hey, Dude, when does Garcia start playing?" 7> "They're *not* dead! I'm telling you... Kurault was driving, Sagan held me down and Cousteau worked the probe!" 6> "...And when the alien returned our son to us, he left us this lone sequined glove." 5> "So then they took me onto their ship and probed me. And like a fool, I believed it was 'special' and they would 'call me.' Aliens are scum, Marge -- When am I gonna learn?" 4> "...and I hear they's the ones what gave us Cheeze Whiz." 3> "Programs, getcher programs here! Can't tell the cover-ups without a program!" 2> "Hey, Eunice, pass me the Sterno." and the Number 1 Thing Overheard in Roswell, NM, This Week... 1> "Hey there, Sweetness. How'dya like a close encounter of the Earl kind?" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 110 submissions from 41 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 1 (12th #1) Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 2, 13 (Hall of Famer) Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada -- 3 Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 3 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 4 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 5, 11 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 6 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 8 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 9 Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 10 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 10 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 12 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 14 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 15 (Hall of Famer) Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- Topic Kris Kettner, Fond du Lac, WI -- Banner tag Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Just Dummies", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances On July 8, 1947, the Roswell Daily Record announces the arrival of a "flying saucer." On July 8, 1996 -- *exactly* forty-nine years later -- The Top Five List publishes an "Alien" list. Coincidence? I think not! (Thanks to Doug Johnson) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Jul 10 19:12:19 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["3898" "Thu" "10" "July" "1997" "20:09:29" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "109" "Top5 - 7/11/97 - Least Useful Technologies of the Future" "^From:" nil nil "7" "1997071102:09:29" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA14581; Thu, 10 Jul 97 19:12:10 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA19535; Thu, 10 Jul 97 19:10:13 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABEH10297; Thu, 10 Jul 1997 20:09:29 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/11/97 - Least Useful Technologies of the Future Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 20:09:29 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Hablamos Espanol! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Macmillan Interactive Publishing Perfect Plants A Garden of Delights http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 11, 1997 The Top 15 Least Useful Technologies of the Future 15> ASCII IMAX theaters 14> ChocoAlchemy -- converts "Yoo Hoo" to "Nestle's Quik" 13> "Mr. Scratchy" Self-Adjusting Cup for Major League Ballplayers 12> New wraparound 12 TV picture tube engineered for optimal TNN line-dancing display 11> Pod bay doors 10> The "I Can't Believe It's Not Tofu!" Burrito 9> The Dennis Rodman Mood Wig 8> Appendix transplants 7> The "TeshStop 2000" -- automatically blocks bad new age music. 6> IBM's Deep Woo: Able to write and direct over 200 million Hong Kong style action movies per second. 5> Underfresh - Gasses passing through become Springtime fresh. 4> Virtual hors d'oeuvres for videoconferences 3> Penile Reduction Surgery 2> Baldwin Goggles -- To identify which Baldwin brother is which and the Number 1 Least Useful Technology of the Future... 1> The Snot Matrix printer [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 123 submissions from 47 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 1 (8th #1) Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 2 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 3 Boyd Johnson, San Diego, CA -- 4 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 5 Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA -- 6 Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX -- 7 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 8 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 9 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 10 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 11 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 12, Topic Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 13 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 14 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 15 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- Banner Tag Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Spandex!", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances My doctor says I suffer from hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working. (Thanks to Dan Silva) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Jul 10 19:18:39 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4609" "Thu" "10" "July" "1997" "20:14:39" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "116" "Top5 - 7/10/97 - Overheard at the All-Star Game" "^From:" nil nil "7" "1997071102:14:39" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA14614; Thu, 10 Jul 97 19:18:37 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA19583; Thu, 10 Jul 97 19:16:59 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABEH02852; Thu, 10 Jul 1997 20:14:39 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/10/97 - Overheard at the All-Star Game Date: Thu, 10 Jul 1997 20:14:39 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Not Available in Stores ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources LucasArts Entertainment Outlaws Reach for the Sky, Varmint! http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 10, 1997 The Top 15 Things Overheard at the Baseball All-Star Game 15> "Says who he can't hit? I've seen him hit the 3rd base ump in the eye with a lugie from the dugout!" 14> "Glad I got here early. I got to see Marge Schott throw out the first slur." 13> "Sorry, kid -- this section is reserved for parole officers." 12> Announcer: "He's rounding third... Holy cow, I think he's gonna make it..." Third Base Coach: "Stop right there! Before you go any further, do you love me?" 11> "That Roberto Alomar is the spittin' image of his brother, Sandy!" 10> "Albert Belle's not playing? Now where am I gonna throw all these beers?!!" 9> "Then she says to me, 'I can't wait to see the Big Unit in action.' What would *you* have done, officer?" 8> "Ripken called. Said his throat feels scratchy so he's staying home today." 7> "Is it just me, or do these hot dogs seem a little light on the pig snouts and rodent hairs and a little heavy on the cow lips?" 6> "He's got two balls on 'im." 5> "Sorry to disappoint you, Mrs. Schott, but they're doing the 'Tomahawk chop,' not saluting Hitler." 4> "Hey, Gwynn -- Leave some Big Macs for the President!" 3> "Well it's an unusual defensive move, but there *is* no rule which specifically prohibits defecating on third base." 2> "Alright, you got yourself a bet, Mr. Rose!!" and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Baseball All-Star Game... 1> "Yes, Mr. Costas, in Cleveland, dating LeAnn Rimes *would* be considered a felony." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 79 submissions from 28 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 1 (8th #1) Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 2, 5 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 4 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 6 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 7 Dave George, Arlington, VA -- 8 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 9, 15 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 10 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 12 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 13 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 14 David Scott, Kansas City, MO -- Topic, RU list name Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Banner tag Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Riding the Pine", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Did you ever notice that "love" spelled backwards is "evil"? Well, not exactly, but it's still pretty scary. (Thanks to Ben Bass) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Jul 15 19:04:45 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4750" "Tue" "15" "July" "1997" "20:01:05" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "118" "Top5 - 7/15/97 - President Cindy Crawford" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA20139; Tue, 15 Jul 97 19:04:43 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA24644; Tue, 15 Jul 97 19:03:49 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABEB00164; Tue, 15 Jul 1997 20:01:05 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/15/97 - President Cindy Crawford Date: Tue, 15 Jul 1997 20:01:05 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T All The Fun, Half The Fat ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Windows 95 help? NT tricks? Try the Windows Sources TipFinder http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 15, 1997 The Top 16 Differences Under President Cindy Crawford 16> War on Drugs joined by War on Dull, Lifeless Hair. 15> President's residence now repainted and known as the "Teal House" from Labor Day to Memorial Day. 14> Even with a Cabinet *full* of Baldwins, still can't get anyone to watch the State of the Union address. 13> Paula Jones's sexual harassment lawsuit gets a LOT more coverage. 12> Her 10-point "Compact with America" bill will ensure that every citizen is entitled to a non-shiny forehead. 11> Russia's deficits soar as Boris Yeltsin outbids the Chinese for a year lease on the Lincoln Bedroom. 10> "Having a bad hair day" is a viable murder defense. 9> National meal for Thanksgiving changed from turkey and dressing to parakeet and croutons. 8> "The Mole" no longer refers to a Soviet spy. 7> Independent Counsel repeatedly focuses investigations on the President's dirty laundry. 6> Bill Clinton now sneaking *in* to White House at 4 a.m. 5> At start of joint session addresses, sergeant-at-arms now barks "Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States! In a lovely chiffon gown with baby-doll neckline, accented with a breathtaking diamond solitaire pendant!" 4> Mr. Blackwell becomes FBI director; "worst dressed" lists start popping up in post offices nationwide. 3> Typical state dinner menu: celery, a rice cake, and Tab. 2> Citizens finally stop complaining about ridiculously short jogging shorts. and the Number 1 Difference Under President Cindy Crawford... 1> Sudden declaration of war on Germany and England eerily coincides with her catfight with Claudia and Naomi. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 114 submissions from 37 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Natasha Filipovic, New York, NY -- 1, 12 (2nd #1) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 2 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 3 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 3, 6 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 4 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 5, 16 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 7, 11 Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 8, 15 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 9 (Hall of Famer) Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 10 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 11, Banner tag Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 13 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 14 (Hall of Famer) Dave George, Arlington, VA -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "1601 Pennsylvania Ave.", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I want to marry the girl in her twenties who knows the words to "Sh-Boom." But if she's got them tattooed on her butt, forget it, because that's just weird. (Thanks to Jonathan Colan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Jul 16 19:04:21 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4591" "Wed" "16" "July" "1997" "20:01:13" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "119" "Top5 - 7/16/97 - Signs Your Librarian is Nuts" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA27082; Wed, 16 Jul 97 19:04:19 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA06353; Wed, 16 Jul 97 19:03:14 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABDY16133; Wed, 16 Jul 1997 20:01:13 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/16/97 - Signs Your Librarian is Nuts Date: Wed, 16 Jul 1997 20:01:13 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Quick-Fried To A Crackly Crunch ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Cybermax Max C6 233+ MMX Performance and Price, All in One Box http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 16, 1997 The Top 15 Signs Your Librarian is Nuts 15> Entire library stock replaced by 50,000 copies of "Yes, I Can" by Sammy Davis, Jr. 14> Half-dozen recently-extracted tongues stapled to the "Quiet Please" sign. 13> Recommends Kato Kaelin's book. 12> Instead of scanning barcode on book at checkout, seductively licks the inside cover. 11> Library only has two sections: "Limbaugh" and "Liddy." 10> Inserts boudoir photos of herself in copies of Gray's Anatomy. 9> When you ask for an appendix, she winks suggestively and shows you her scar. 8> Replaces the overdue book fine with canings from the "Rod of Literary Tardiness". 7> Files Art Buchwald under "Humor" 6> Always doing donuts with the bookmobile in the video store parking lot. 5> No matter what book you ask for, she hands you a piece of toast and a Q-tip. 4> Uses the "Dewer's Decimal System", which involves regular belts of scotch. 3> Instead of a simple "Shhhh", uses a bullhorn to say, "One more sound and I cap yo' ass!" 2> Flashes patrons and yells, "Hey! Check *this* out!" and the Number 1 Sign Your Librarian is Nuts... 1> Leans over to whisper something and bites off half of your right ear. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 119 submissions from 41 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 1 (11th #1 / Hall of Famer) Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 2 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 3 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 3, 6 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 4 (Hall of Famer) R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 5 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 7 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 8 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 8, Topic Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 9 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 10 Matt Alford, Portland, OR -- 11 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 12 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 14 Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 15 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- Topic Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Banner tag David Scott, Kansas City, MO -- Runners Up list name Chris White, Wichita, KS -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Back in the Stacks", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, "Because I'm your father." (Thanks to Dave George) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Jul 17 19:03:52 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4841" "Thu" "17" "July" "1997" "20:02:05" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "135" "Top5 - 7/17/97 - A Top 5 Classic!" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA04230; Thu, 17 Jul 97 19:03:51 PDT Received: from vlsi.cs.caltech.edu by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA23209; Thu, 17 Jul 97 19:03:48 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.merc.com by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA04226; Thu, 17 Jul 97 19:02:45 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABDW19993; Thu, 17 Jul 1997 20:02:05 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/17/97 - A Top 5 Classic! Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 20:02:05 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T 100% Funkadelic! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Quite the Executive Toy -- Toshiba's tiny full-featured notebook http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 16, 1997 NOTE FROM CHRIS: Today's Top 5 List is a "Top 5 Classic" which was originally published on June 24, 1996. The Top 19 Signs Your Psychic Is a Phony 19> Keeps shaking black "crystal ball," then saying, "Ask again later." 18> Tells you you're going to die but doesn't exactly know when or how. 17> Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!" 16> Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week. 15> Brunswick insignia on "crystal ball." 14> His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing. 13> Instead of a Oujia board, has a Wedgie board. 12> During seance, shouts in voice of Wolfman Jack, "Milli Vanilli will be back!" 11> His spoon bending requires two pliers. 10> Sign in window: "As Seen on '60 Minutes.'" 9> During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand." 8> Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo." 7> Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom. 6> Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia. 5> Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm. 4> Easily fooled by 'Can of Snakes' gag. 3> Sonics in 4. 2> "Ethereal Aroma of the Kindred Spirits" effect during seance only occurs after a chili-dog lunch. and the Number 1 Sign Your Psychic Is a Phony... 1> Just keeps saying in his Mr. T voice, "My prediction: Pain!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 141 submissions from 42 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Chris McKenna, Malibu, CA -- 1 Joel McClure, Sterling Heights, MI -- 2, 19 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 3, 5, 9 Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 3 Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 4, 11 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 5 Meredith Ogden, Ithaca, NY -- 6 John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 7, 19 (Hall of Famer) David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 8 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 10 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 12 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 12 Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 13, 19 Jesse Guidry, New Orleans, LA -- 14 Sam Maranto, Baltimore, MD -- 15 Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA -- 15 (Hall of Famer) Patrick New, Chicago, IL -- 15 Michele Beltran, Lansing, MI -- 15, 17 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 16 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 18 (Hall of Famer) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 19 Jim Louderback, New York, NY -- 19 (Hall of Famer) Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 19 Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA -- Topic R. M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- Banner tag Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- No Runnners Up list today! ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances When I hear on the news about someone being killed "execution style", it makes me wonder what other styles there are. (Thanks to Blair Bostick) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Jul 24 19:03:16 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4498" "Thu" "24" "July" "1997" "20:02:07" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "115" "Top5 - 7/25/97 - Philosophical Questions (Part II)" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09451; Thu, 24 Jul 97 19:03:13 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09741; Thu, 24 Jul 97 19:02:41 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABDJ29945; Thu, 24 Jul 1997 20:02:07 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/25/97 - Philosophical Questions (Part II) Date: Thu, 24 Jul 1997 20:02:07 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Offer Void for Carbon-based Life Forms ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Quarterdeck QEMM 97 Memory Management? Maybe Not http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 25 , 1997 The Top 15 Least Popular Philosophical Questions (Part II) 15> If a tree fell and crushed Pauly Shore in the forest, would anyone care (except Misty Rivera, of course)? 14> Why aren't the Toronto Maple Leafs called the Maple Leaves? 13> If the earth stopped spinning, would the value of my car still depreciate? 12> If there are elves in the gravy, why must the pigeon herniate at midnight? 11> Which came first -- the chicken or the various things that taste like chicken? 10> Would a massive police search for a male serial killer dressed as a woman be called a "Dragnet"? 9> Why *are* there so many songs about rainbows? 8> For what doth it profit a man if he gains his freedom yet loseth his Heisman? 7> If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long? 6> How many licks does it take to get to the center of the universe? 5> If I am, do I drink? 4> What would you rather have, no short-term memory or I forget the question? 3> What is the sound of a one-handed man with the clap? 2> If you take an infinite number of monkeys, put them in a room with an infinite number of typewriters, and supply them with an infinite amount of crack, would they really be able to write a really kick-ass Top 5 list? And, if so, who's gonna pay for all that -- those deep pockets at Windows Sources?!? and the Number 1 Least Popular Philosophical Question... 1> How much wood would a woodchuck sport, if a woodchuck had a woody? [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 130 submissions from 51 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Brad Schreiber, Los Angeles, CA -- 1 (1st #1!) Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 2 Tisha Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 3, 12 Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 4, 15 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 5 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 7 Sterling Smith, Houston, TX -- 8 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 9 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 10 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 11 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 13 Glen Gauthier, Lafayette, LA -- 14 (Rookie!) David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- Topic Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- Banner tag Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "On the forest floor", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not. (Thanks to Alan Smithee) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Jul 23 19:04:07 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4801" "Wed" "23" "July" "1997" "20:02:34" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "119" "Top5 - 7/24/97 - Philosophical Questions (Part I)" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA04984; Wed, 23 Jul 97 19:03:57 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA29440; Wed, 23 Jul 97 19:03:04 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABDR07139; Wed, 23 Jul 1997 20:02:34 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/24/97 - Philosophical Questions (Part I) Date: Wed, 23 Jul 1997 20:02:34 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Hi. My name is Chris, and I'll be your moderator today. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Windows FYI Our Windows FYI Page is an invaluable resource, with links to everything you need to know about Win 95 and its successor, Windows 98 (a.k.a. Memphis) http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 24 , 1997 The Top 15 Least Popular Philosophical Questions (Part I) 15> Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of Star Trek conventions, would there be at least one with a life? 14> Why is Pauly Shore so successful, while a deserving and talented actor like Tom Arnold is still struggling? 13> Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Ask why Bell charges so much for toll calls. 12> Can God make Marlon Brando so big that even He can't move him? 11> If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie? 10> The sky's just BLUE, dammit! Get over it! 9> If you sell a video explaining how you didn't kill your ex-wife and her male friend and no one buys it, does it make a sound? 8> What will I have for lunch today -- chicken salad or egg salad? 7> How much cheese could Chuck E. Cheese chuck if Chuck E. Cheese could chuck cheese? 6> Yeah, where the hell *is* Waldo? 5> If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him? 4> If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? 3> If a thing of beauty is a joy forever, why does ugly seem to last so much longer? 2> How many angels can writhe in tortured agony skewered on the pointy end of a pin? and the Number 1 Least Popular Philosophical Question... 1> If Mike Tyson bites off Jesus ear in a fight, is it a foul or a sacrament? [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 130 submissions from 51 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 1 (3rd #1) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 2 (Hall of Famer) Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- 3 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 4 Jim Key, Garland, TX -- 5 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 6 Lee Oeth, San Diego, CA -- 6 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 7 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 8 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 9 (Hall of Famer) Stephen Pace, Houston, TX -- 10, 12 Jesse Garon, San Francisco, CA -- 11 Sterling Smith, Houston, TX -- 12, 15 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 13 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 14 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- Banner tag (HOFer) Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- Topic ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Not to be", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Wouldn't marathons be a lot more interesting if after the race started, hungry wild animals were released onto the course? Tigers would be fun. (Thanks & good luck to R.M. Weiner) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Jul 29 19:03:46 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["7946" "Tue" "29" "July" "1997" "20:01:23" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "181" "Life or Death -- *not* comedy" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA00552; Tue, 29 Jul 97 19:03:45 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA27034; Tue, 29 Jul 97 19:02:53 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABDH29727; Tue, 29 Jul 1997 20:01:23 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Life or Death -- *not* comedy Date: Tue, 29 Jul 1997 20:01:23 MDT Dear Top5 Subscribers, My name is Chris White, and you may know me as the owner and editor of The Top 5 List. I apologize in advance for using this venue for something other than Top5 or comedy, but I assure you this is of sufficient urgency to warrant it. I am forwarding a message from a friend of mine, Alan Kuo, who is dying of leukemia and has only a few months to live unless he can find a bone marrow donor who matches him. I assure you that this is no e-mail hoax, as I know Alan personally and have known of his condition for some time now. I hope that this is one instance where the awesome power of the Internet can truly make a difference. If you have no interest, then you needn't read further. For those of you who *are* interested, here's Alan's message. Thank you for anything you can do to help. Sincerly, Chris July 24, 1997 Dear friends, apologies for the mass-mailing and for the delays. Most of you have not heard from me for awhile, or at best received a cursory note saying that I was busy. I owe each of you an explanation. When reading what follows, I ask that you think of pleasant times and conversations, both profound and light-hearted, that I have had with each of you. Without further ado, here is my explanation: As each of you already knows, I have been suffering from chronic myelogenous leukemia for more than two years. Various attempts to control or eradicate the cancerous bone marrow cells have so far failed. But at least my doctor and I were able to keep the cancer at bay to the extent that I could function as a normal and real human being. For the past two years I have sought treatments, worked and played, traveled and enjoyed the big and little things in Life, continued old friendships and even built new ones, and found Love. So in a sense my cancer was not real, it was merely an abstraction from a blood smear. Now everything has changed, and not for the better. On July 7, 1997, I was diagnosed as entering 'blast crisis', where the erstwhile chronic leukemia becomes acute and chemotherapeutic regimens become but delaying actions to forestall the inevitable. From three to six months from now my cancerous marrow cells will proliferate out of control and kill me, unless they are ruthlessly eradicated and replaced with someone else's healthy bone marrow. Of course that healthy marrow must be tissue-compatible with me (must 'match' me). Most of you already know about the existence of bone marrow donor registries, that no one on those registries matches me, and that the best chance of finding someone who matches me is to add as many Asians as possible to those registries. And many of you, thankfully, have made great efforts to add Asians to those registries. Unfortunately, despite two years of effort, we have not yet found a match for me. So today, I ask you to join me to try again. I say, One last push. Because THIS IS IT. So what to do? Just get every Asian on the planet registered. Here's how to do it: 1. If you are Asian, get yourself registered. And your relatives too. In the USA, it's free. 2. Get all your Asian friends, colleagues, and associates registered. 3. Pass this note (soft and hard copies) or selected parts of it to everyone, and I mean EVERYONE. I have written a 'personal appeal' at the bottom of this email that should be suitable for this purpose. The same appeal appears on my new website. 4. Website, what website? It should be up-and-running by the time you get this email. It is rudimentary, but is improving. The technical master behind it is Ben Burbridge and technical difficulties shall be made known to him. This website contains all sorts of stuff that are useful in order to get registered and to convince other people to register. Feel free to copy or download anything there. The URL is www.slip.net/~rwwood 5. Volunteer for registration drives, or organize one yourself. An easy way to do this is to call up one of the non-profit organizations that exist to register Asians. There is also no reason you might not donate technical expertise or money to these or other such organizations. In the USA, the major non-profits are: Asian American Donor Program (AADP) 2363 Mariner Square Drive, Suite 241 Alameda, CA 94501 USA 1-800-593-6667 510-523-3366 phone 510-523-3790 fax asamdonors@aol.com Asians for Miracle Marrow Matches (A3M) Casa Heiwa, 231 E. 3rd St. Los Angeles, CA 90013 USA 1-888-A3M-HOPE 213-473-1661 phone a3m@ltsc.org Cammy Lee Leukemia Foundation (CLLF) 37 St. Marks Place, Suite B New York, New York 10003 USA 1-800-77-CAMMY 212-460-5983 phone 212-460-5971 fax cllf@juno.com Buddhist Compassion Relief Tzu-Chi Foundation USA (BCRTCFUSA) 1000 S. Garfield Ave. Los Angeles, CA 91801 USA 626-281-9801 marrow hotline 626-281-3383 phone 626-281-9799 fax buddhist.tzu.chi.free.clinic@worldnet.att.net 6. Do your own thing. For example, Ray Lin has today taken it upon himself to contact every news agency in the San Francisco Bay Area and talk them into running a story about me. Holle Singer filmed an interview with me in New York to be used as a public service announcement. Ben of course created the website. Others of you have volunteered to write newspaper articles or to create videos or to contact Asian community organizations or Asian churches. Translation of my personal appeal into Korean and Vietnamese is a must (I already have people doing Chinese and Japanese). 7. For more information, consult the website, contact the non-profits, or talk to my parents James and Joyce [djea88a@prodigy.com], my sister Zenda [zendakuo@compuserve.com], or my sweetie Ako [ah@aapcho. org]. DO NOT REPLY to this email address, as it is temporary. I find this letter strange, because as you know I am a fairly independent kind of person. But for the first time I truly truly need your help. Without it I definitely will not make it to your next birthday party. ;) Good luck, take care, and of course, be most excellent to your friends. Love, Alan PERSONAL APPEAL follows Hello. My name is Alan Kuo. I have only three months left to live, according to my doctors. Only someone like you can save me. This is why: I have leukemia, a cancer of the blood. The only known cure for this disease is a bone marrow transplant. Without it I will die. To receive a transplant, I must find a tissue-matched donor. Because tissue type varies by ethnicity, my matching donor will most likely be found among people like myself, people of Asian descent - like you. So far, I have not found a matching donor. This is why I am appealing to you, a fellow Asian, to ask for your help. You and your friends can make the difference between life and death for me, as well as for others present and future who suffer from this cancer. It takes just fifteen minutes of your time, a simple blood test will determine if you are my match. Please help save my life by registering with your local marrow donor program. My parents are immigrants from China and Taiwan, and I love them and my sister dearly. My family has pushed me to study hard at Harvard and to earn my PhD at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology; I am presently doing biomedical research at the University of California at San Francisco, a premier medical center which is also treating my leukemia. I am sad that my promising career is being prematurely terminated by a random disease. I am far more saddened by the possibility of being separated forever, in as little as three months, from my family, from my many friends, and from my dear Ako. And I wish more than anything to continue enjoying this blessing we call Life. So please get your tissue typed, you might save a life. From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Jul 28 19:04:47 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5229" "Mon" "28" "July" "1997" "19:59:00" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "130" "Top5 - 7/29/97 - Famous Last Words" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA25067; Mon, 28 Jul 97 19:04:45 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA16604; Mon, 28 Jul 97 19:03:12 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABDH02831; Mon, 28 Jul 1997 19:59:00 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/29/97 - Famous Last Words Date: Mon, 28 Jul 1997 19:59:00 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now playing everywhere in TIMES NEW ROMAN! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources HP ScanJet 4cse Speedy, Pricey, and NT Compatible - Finally http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ The Daily Weekly An all-new, all-original humor electronic newspaper from the same people who subject you to The Top 5 List! It skewers and satirizes everything, with new editions coming out every Tuesday and Friday. The Daily Weekly will bring you news, sports, and entertainment as you've never quite seen them before. To get a sample issue, send a message to daily@walrus.com with "SAMPLE" in the *subject* line. ================================================================ July 29, 1997 The Top 15 Famous Last Words 15> "C'mon ya wimps, one more beer, it's open ocean out there, what're we gonna hit?" -- Captain Hazelwood, Exxon Valdez 14> "Responding to the liberal media's biased coverage, these fine young members of the Republican House Caucus are standing behind me to show their full support for my continued Speakership." 13> "Luke, I lied. Bill Shatner is your real father." -- Darth Vader 12> "A-four and a-three and a-two and a-one..." -- Lawrence Welk 11> "Don't worry about the Rover. That's no cliff." -- NASA techie 10> "And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about-- beeeeeeeep..." 9> "I eat guys like you for breakfast!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer 8> "Here I sit all broken-hearted..." -- Elvis Presley 7> "How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that?" -- insect 6> "No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal.'" 5> "Dammit, Lizzie, get off your fat lazy ass and cut me some firewood!" -- Mr. Borden 4> "How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" -- Alex Trebek 3> "Yoko, why don't *you* try to sing one?" 2> "Took your parking space??? Well at least *I* didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!" and the Number 1 Famous Last Words... 1> "Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 113 submissions from 40 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Gregory Swarthout, Murray, UT -- 1, 9 (1st #1!) John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 2 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 3 Brad Schreiber, Los Angeles, CA -- 4 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 5 John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 5 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 6, 14 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 8 (Hall of Famer) Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 10 Andy Wagner, Madison, WI -- 11 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 12 Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI -- 13 Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- 15 Matt Bagley, Melrose, MA -- Topic Dan Lantz, over the rainbow -- Banner tag Supertramp, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Speechless", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I don't think you can really know how heavy something is until it has fallen on you. (Thanks to LeMel Hebert-Williams) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Jul 30 19:03:54 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4368" "Wed" "30" "July" "1997" "20:00:57" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "113" "Top5 - 7/31/97 - Least Effective Dating Tips" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA05961; Wed, 30 Jul 97 19:03:52 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA08607; Wed, 30 Jul 97 19:03:18 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABDE05809; Wed, 30 Jul 1997 20:00:57 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 7/31/97 - Least Effective Dating Tips Date: Wed, 30 Jul 1997 20:00:57 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Suggested serving: 2.3 list items ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources LucasArts Entertainment X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter Fight for the Rebels, or the Empire http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ July 31, 1997 Top 15 Least Effective Dating Tips 15> Have state troopers extend the invitation for that all-important first date. 14> Be sure to point out the "Blimp Effect" of those horizontal stripes she's wearing. 13> Ask, "You're not allergic to latex, are you?" 12> Don't let him skip out by claiming to go to the bathroom -- follow him. 11> Before asking for the waiter's phone number, borrow a buck from your date for a tip. 10> On your first golf date, ask her if she'll help you look for the real killers. 9> If she still lives with her parents, give her dad your bail bondsman's business card, "just in case." 8> Ask politely if your date minds waiting in the car while you talk to your Parole Officer. 7> If she's a dog lover, skip the good-night kiss and just lick her face. 6> Nothing says "I like you" like a big hunk of headcheese. 5> Ask the waiter for a table in the "PMS Section." 4> Properly stimulated, the inner lip of the nostril, or the "Labia Nostrum", is a highly erogenous zone. 3> Red wine for dumpster meals, white for road kill. 2> "How do I love thee? Let me belch the ways." and the Number 1 Least Effective Dating Tip... 1> Never try to impress your date with snot sculptures unless you have enough mucous to finish. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 118 submissions from 40 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 1, 3 (10th #1) Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 2 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 4 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 5, 11, 14 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 6 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 7 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 8 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 9, Topic David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 10 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 12 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Marc Cukier, Toronto, Canada -- 15 Patrick New, Chicago, IL -- 15 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 15 LeMel Hebert-Williams, S.F., CA -- Banner tag (Hall of Famer) Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- Runner Up list name ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Packwood-isms", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Why do fools fall in love? To get to the other side. (Thanks to Jonathan Colan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Jul 31 19:07:17 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5100" "Thu" "31" "July" "1997" "20:02:23" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "126" "Top5 - 8/1/97 - Differences With President Monkey" "^From:" nil nil "7" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11672; Thu, 31 Jul 97 19:07:11 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA20855; Thu, 31 Jul 97 19:03:23 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABDE04743; Thu, 31 Jul 1997 20:02:23 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 8/1/97 - Differences With President Monkey Date: Thu, 31 Jul 1997 20:02:23 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now available in men's & women's plus sizes ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Aimtech Jamba 2.0 Produce Java Applets Without Writing Code! http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ August 1, 1997 The Top 16 Differences if the President Were a Monkey 16> Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR's early space program. 15> National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President's relatives with typewriters. 14> Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy! 13> "Organ grinding" no longer refers to Presidential proclivities. 12> First President in diapers since the Reagan years. 11> Shiny red ass could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda. 10> Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts. 9> N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, "Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" 8> Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe-taking at twice the speed of current administration. 7> New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp. 6> State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping. 5> President's IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh's. 4> To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on Tonight Show riding a unicycle. 3> "No, Ms. Embry, you can't spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!" 2> During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson's toupee. and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey... 1> On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means "yes", loud raspberry means "no". [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 124 submissions from 43 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 1 (2nd #1) Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 2 Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 4 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 5 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 6, 8, 11 Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA -- 7 Jesse Garon, San Francisco, CA -- 9 Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 9 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 9 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 10 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 11 (Hall of Famer) David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 12 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 13 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 13, 15 Chris Gleason, Germantown, MD -- 14 Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 15 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 16 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Topic Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- Runners Up list name David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- Runners Up list name Justin Santangelo, somewhere out there -- Banner tag Peter Gabriel -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Second Bananas", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I think baseball would be a much more interesting sport if batters had to use their arms instead of a stick of wood. (Thanks to Alan Smithee) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Sun Aug 3 19:03:12 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4837" "Sun" "3" "August" "1997" "20:02:30" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "119" "Top5 - 8/4/97 - Plagiarized Romance Novel" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA23443; Sun, 3 Aug 97 19:03:10 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA14832; Sun, 3 Aug 97 19:02:37 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABDB18957; Sun, 03 Aug 1997 20:02:30 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 8/4/97 - Plagiarized Romance Novel Date: Sun, 03 Aug 1997 20:02:30 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T If burning sensation persists, discontinue use. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Massive Multimedia Authoring Macromedia brings Web integration and ActiveX to Authorware development. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ August 4, 1997 The Top 15 Signs a Romance Novel has been Plagiarized 15> Hero rips open heroine's bodice and gasps, "Bosoms are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." 14> Book after book, the same plot: Boy kills father, boy marries mother, boy pokes his eyes out. 13> The author is 6' 3", weighs 220, has more body hair than Robin Williams, lives in Tulsa and *insists* his real name is Barbara Cartland. You do the math. 12> Promo on the cover: "Noted law enforcement agent, Richard Jewell, debuts with this story of lasting passion set in his beloved hometown of Atlanta during the Civil War." 11> Author's name, Tralachan LeGraipazir, is merely a scrambled version of "Charlatan Plagiarizer." 10> Contains the recurring line: "Yes I would like to wham and bam; Sam I am and thank you, Ma'am!" 9> Something familiar about a boy and girl from feuding families in Verona, Italy. 8> One big open quote mark on the first page and one big closed quote on the last page. 7> "He slowly turned, and in his most seductive voice asked, 'You talkin' to me? Are YOU talkin' to ME?!'" 6> Instead of "slaking his passion with Gabriella's lush lips," the hero "gyres and gimbles in Gabriella's wabe." 5> Chapter in which a scantily-clad Desiree clings to the sinewy Roberto and recites a list of ways he can tell if he might be a redneck. 4> The author? Danielle Steal. 3> Hero's frequent calls of "Adrian!!" seem to ring a bell. 2> Published by Kinko's. and the Number 1 Sign a Romance Novel has been Plagiarized... 1> Heartbreaking passage where all four female leads are dumped -- as Jack slips out the back, Stan makes a new plan, Roy becomes inexplicably coy and Gus heads for the bus depot. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 69 submissions from 25 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Caroline Gennity, VA Beach, VA -- 1, 5 (15th #1 / Hall of Famer) Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 2, 4 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 2 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 2 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 3, 9 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 6 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 7, 9, 12 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 8 Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 9 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 10 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 11, 15 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 13 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 14, Topic Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- Banner tag (Hall of Famer) Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Copycats", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I was never very good at parallel parking, so whenever I can, I try to park in a parallel universe instead. (Thanks to Alan Smithee) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Aug 4 19:04:14 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4525" "Mon" "4" "August" "1997" "20:02:18" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "116" "Top5 - 8/5/97 - Arnold Turns 50!" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA29101; Mon, 4 Aug 97 19:04:12 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA01405; Mon, 4 Aug 97 19:02:51 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABDB29269; Mon, 04 Aug 1997 20:02:18 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 8/5/97 - Arnold Turns 50! Date: Mon, 04 Aug 1997 20:02:18 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Making The World Safe For Democracy! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources TipFinder Explosion For a quick hit or an intense problem, visit TipFinder, where you'll find tips to solve every Windows problem. http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ August 5, 1997 The Top 15 Signs Arnold Schwarzenegger is 50 Years Old 15> His Humvee's left turn signal is always on. 14> Vericose veins bulging out of his neck. 13> Black leather jacket & motorcycle boots replaced by taupe windbreaker & white loafers 12> Can no longer throw Uncle Ted out of parties with one arm. 11> Maria falls asleep before he can get his broadsword ready, if you know what I mean. 10> Filming constantly interrupted with, "I'll be... LINE, PLEASE!" 9> "Mr. Universe" competition declines his suggestion for a "Best Gums Over 50" category. 8> Hemorrhoids now larger than biceps. 7> Concludes every failed bowel movement attempt by saying, "I'll be back." 6> Ever-increasing body count in "Grumpy Old Men" sequels since he joined the cast. 5> Has to stop and rest mid-last name when signing autographs. 4> Changed his name to "Arnie Schwartz" and moved to Miami to play bridge every Tuesday and Friday afternoon. 3> Most explosions in latest flick are the result of his worsening lactose intolerance. 2> Every plot: Get revenge upon neighborhood kids for walking on his lawn. and the Number 1 Sign Arnold Schwarzenegger is 50 Years Old... 1> Has begun tucking his pecs into the front of his pants. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 98 submissions from 38 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 1 (10th #1) Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 2, 3 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 2 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 4, 7 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 5 Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA -- 6 Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 8 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 10, 15 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 10 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 11 Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI -- 12 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 13 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 14 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 15 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Topic Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Banner tag George Thorogood, Detroit, MI -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Dingle All the Way", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Say what you like about me, but sometimes I wish that I were really rich and didn't have to work. And also handsome. (Thanks to Dave George) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Aug 5 19:03:54 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4881" "Tue" "5" "August" "1997" "19:59:23" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "119" "Top5 - 8/6/97 - Signs You've Been in Vegas Too Long" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA05503; Tue, 5 Aug 97 19:03:44 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA12360; Tue, 5 Aug 97 19:03:06 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABCX14370; Tue, 05 Aug 1997 19:59:23 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 8/6/97 - Signs You've Been in Vegas Too Long Date: Tue, 05 Aug 1997 19:59:23 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Rich Corinthian Humor! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Altec Lansing ADA600 Digital PowerCube Surround System Proof That USB is Cool http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ August 6, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You've Been in Vegas Too Long 15> You've seen that same quarter three times. 14> The powder on your fingers sets off the airport metal detector. 13> You're actually attempting to borrow money against the possibility that Bob Redford will want to sleep with your wife. 12> Your name is H. Ross Perot, and you just lost the entire State of Texas at the roulette wheel. 11> You start calling every black guy you see "Huggybear." 10> Between the showgirls and the slot machines, your right arm looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger's, and your left arm looks like Arnold Horshack's. 9> You've started to think LeRoy Neiman is tasteful. 8> You can now tell time based on which dealers are working. 7> Your week just isn't complete until Rip Taylor showers you with confetti. 6> They used to throw you panties from Victoria's Secret when you performed, but today they're more like Queen Elizabeth's secret. 5> You've got yourself one nasty case of neon burn. 4> The hookers you date begin looking less and less like Elizabeth Shue, and more and more like Elizabeth Dole. 3> You find yourself walking out of the $1.99 Circus Circus breakfast buffet with scrambled eggs dripping from both pockets and a slab of bacon warming your crotch. 2> You got 10 grand for your daughter last week; you're not so optimistic about your son. and the Number 1 Sign You've Been in Vegas Too Long... 1> Siegfried still leaves you cold, but you're beginning to think that Roy is one hot potato. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 122 submissions from 42 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 1, 11 (9th #1 / Hall of Famer) Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 2 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 3 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 4 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 5 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 6 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 7 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 8 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 9 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 10 Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 10 Don Swain, Lincoln, DE -- 12 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 13, 15 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 14 (Hall of Famer) Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 14 LeMel Hebert-Williams, S.F., CA -- Banner tag (Hall of Famer) Don Swain, C.J. Little, Jeff Parker -- Topic Elvis Presley, Omaha K-Mart -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Nickle Slots", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances When I was a kid, I used to watch a show called "Adventures in Science", which was hosted by a guy named Dr. Science. Now, what are the odds of that? (Thanks to LeMel Hebert-Williams) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Sun Aug 10 19:02:54 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4630" "Sun" "10" "August" "1997" "19:59:17" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "117" "Top5 - 8/11/97 - Signs Microsoft Owns Part of Apple" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03659; Sun, 10 Aug 97 19:02:51 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.merc.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA20097; Sun, 10 Aug 97 19:02:18 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.28, queueup copyright Mercury Mail, Inc. 1996,1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABCP29166; Sun, 10 Aug 1997 19:59:17 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 8/11/97 - Signs Microsoft Owns Part of Apple Date: Sun, 10 Aug 1997 19:59:17 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T One document the White House *never* shreds ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Diamond Multimedia owners: Our DriverFinder site has just been updated with over 300 new drivers for Diamond products! http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ August 11, 1997 The Top 15 Signs That Microsoft Owns Part of Apple 15> Apple's stock fell only 25% last week. 14> Bill Gates's birthday now a paid holiday for Apple employees. 13> Default Mac startup sound changed to "Taps." 12> Wall Street brokers have stopped using Apple stock certificates as toilet paper. 11> Apple's new slogan: "Almost as good as Windows!" 10> Apple has been bent over with its pants dropped for so long now, even a geek like Bill Gates was bound to get lucky. 9> Cute rainbow-colored apple now inhabited by cute rainbow-colored worm. 8> Microsoft comes out with an operating system incorporating Mac technology... uh, wait a minute... 7> Phone and utilities mysteriously start working again at Apple's corporate HQ. 6> Steve Jobs seen tending bar at the Gates' private lawn party. 5> Diners in Microsoft's staff cafeteria can now enjoy their apple pie purely for its wholesome goodness and no longer as a symbolic act of global domination. 4> Unsold Newtons used as cobblestones in Gates's driveway. 3> Apple Employee of the Month gets to hunt loose change at Bill's house. 2> New Apple employee dress code includes large "Property of B. Gates" tattoo on ass. and the Number 1 Sign That Microsoft Owns Part of Apple... 1> Bill Gates still burned in effigy, but upper management no longer attends. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 149 submissions from 52 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 1, 3 (3rd #1) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 2 (Hall of Famer) Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 5, 8 Jim Key, Garland, TX -- 6 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 7 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 9 Dan Signer, Studio City, CA -- 9 (Rookie!) Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 10 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 11 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 14 Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 15 Peter Thompson, Sheffield, England -- Topic John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- Banner tag The Beatles, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Core Losers", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Grandpa says they just don't make cars like they used to. The other day he ran over the dog, and twice it survived. (Thanks to Anna Chin-Williams) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Aug 12 19:03:28 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4564" "Tue" "12" "August" "1997" "19:59:02" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "119" "Top5 - 8/13/97 - Ways to Commemorate Elvis" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA16945; Tue, 12 Aug 97 19:03:27 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09261; Tue, 12 Aug 97 19:02:23 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.30, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABCM12906; Tue, 12 Aug 1997 19:59:02 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 8/13/97 - Ways to Commemorate Elvis Date: Tue, 12 Aug 1997 19:59:02 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Mmmmm... Top 5 ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Learn How to Create Templates in MS Office! http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ August 13, 1997 The Top 15 Ways to Commemorate the 20th Anniversary of Elvis Presley's Death 15> Have the King exhumed, breaded, deep-fried & reburied. 14> For crying out loud, he's NOT DEAD! How many 7-11 sightings does it take to CONVINCE you people? 13> Show your support for Sonny and Red by joining them down at the Teamsters picket. 12> Eat some cake... a whole cake, in fact... and some pork. 11> Point out that the "king of rock 'n' roll" neither wrote nor actually played guitar on most of his songs, and then wait to get pummeled by a herd of middle-aged Southern women in lime green stretchpants and big hair. 10> Your choice: Exhume Richard Nixon for a photo op, or do the nasty with Ann-Margret. 9> Go to gravesite and hear whirling sound as Lisa Marie announces her latest engagement. 8> The same way Elvis would: make it with Priscilla, then head to Krispy Kreme. 7> Have a couple of fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches with a nice barbiturate salad. 6> Call up Priscilla & order her to trowel on the mascara. 5> Go to Circuit City and shoot up a few TV's. 4> Try to relieve yourself without bursting any major arteries. 3> At quittin' time, toss your scarf to receptionist. 2> Two words: lard shots. and the Number 1 Way to Commemorate the 20th Anniversary of Elvis Presley's Death... 1> Steal the artistic heritage of an oppressed minority, twist it into a grotesque perversion, make millions exploiting your less-than-genius fans, then die on the toilet before your daughter can marry a bizarre freak of pop culture. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 75 submissions from 29 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 1 (4th #1) Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 2 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 2, 3, 8 (Hat Trick!) Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA -- 4 (Hall of Famer) Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 5 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 6, 15 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 7 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 7, 9 Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 10 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 10 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 11 Dan Signer, Studio City, CA -- 12 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 13 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 14 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- Topic (Hall of Famer) Nathan Hansar, Australia -- Banner tag Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Heartbreak Hotel", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Hunger is the best sauce. Except for french fries, then it's ketchup. (Thanks to Rich Potter) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by Mercury Mail, Inc. http://www.merc.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Sun Aug 24 19:03:15 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4181" "Sun" "24" "August" "1997" "19:56:03" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "108" "Top5 - 8/25/97 - Chinese Translations of Movie Titles" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09896; Sun, 24 Aug 97 19:03:01 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA16777; Sun, 24 Aug 97 19:02:32 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.30, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABCH29233; Sun, 24 Aug 1997 19:56:03 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 8/25/97 - Chinese Translations of Movie Titles Date: Sun, 24 Aug 1997 19:56:03 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Certified Dolphin-Safe! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Maxtor DiamondMax 1750 Massive Speed and Size http://www.winsources.com ================================================================ August 25, 1997 The Top 15 Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles 15> "Pretty Woman" - "I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money" 14> "Face/Off" - "Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!" 13> "Leaving Las Vegas" - "I'm Drunk And You're a Prostitute" 12> "Interview With The Vampire" - "So, You Are a Lawyer?" 11> "The Piano" - "Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!" 10> "My Best Friend's Wedding" - "Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!" 9> "George of the Jungle" - "Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals" 8> "Scent of a Woman" - "Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!" 7> "Love, Valour, Compassion!" - "I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It's Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie" 6> "Babe" - "The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems" 5> "Twister" - "Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!" 4> "Field of Dreams" - "Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield" 3> "Barb Wire" - "Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You" 2> "Batman & Robin" - "Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy" and the Number 1 Chinese Translation of an English Movie Title... 1> "The Crying Game" - "Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 96 submissions from 35 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 1, 11, 15 (13th #1/Hat trick!) Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 2, 7 (Hall of Famer) Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 3 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 4 Caroline Gennity, VA -- 5, 8, 12 (Hall of Famer/Hat trick!) Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 6, 10, Topic (Rookie!) Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 9, 14 Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 13 Nathan Hansar, Australia -- Banner tag David Bowie, Mustique -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Kung-Fu Movies", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Piano students who have trouble playing the black keys should just paint them white, because white keys are easier to play. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Aug 28 19:12:22 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4769" "Thu" "28" "August" "1997" "20:02:56" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "120" "Top5 - 8/27/97 - Signs that MTV is Getting Old" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11897; Thu, 28 Aug 97 19:12:20 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03212; Thu, 28 Aug 97 19:10:41 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.30, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABCF19614; Thu, 28 Aug 1997 20:02:56 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 8/27/97 - Signs that MTV is Getting Old Date: Thu, 28 Aug 1997 20:02:56 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Episode #72: Lucy Sneaks Into Ricky's Act ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources A Kinder, Gentler OS David Berlind explains why even Microsoft acknowledges that its successful 32-bit platforms have plenty of room for improvement. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970827/www.winsources.com ================================================================ August 27, 1997 The Top 16 Signs that MTV is Getting Old 16> Shaky camera work more an accident than an artistic choice. 15> "Remember the 80's?" becoming less of a rhetorical question every year. 14> Newest VJ? Abe Vigoda 13> Tabitha Soren's latest "hot flashes" ain't from MTV News. 12> Anna Nicole Smith seen wandering around Kurt Loder's trailer. 11> Rap Artist of the Year: MC Dole 10> "The Grind" now consists of 70% waltzing and 30% people with broken hips being carried off on stretchers. 9> On MTV "Unplugged", new host Jack Kervorkian decides each week which aging rock star to remove from life support. 8> Signature MTV rocket no longer launches without 15 minutes of manual manipulation. 7> "Singled Out" replaced by "Widowed Out." 6> "Real World - Miami Beach" -- Eight crotchety senior citizens share a condominium. 5> Getting harder and harder to tell the difference between Martha Quinn and Colin Quinn. 4> Tabitha Soren begins each report by resting her breasts on the desk in front of her. 3> On tonight's "Road Rules:" Edwin drives the '72 Dodge wagon too slow in the left hand lane taking the gang to the Early Bird special at the local Hojos. 2> Newest All-Girl Alternative Band: Joan of AARP and the Number 1 Sign that MTV is Getting Old... 1> "Oy! MTV Complains!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 102 submissions from 39 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 1, 6 (4th #1) Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 2 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 3, 5 Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 3, 15 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 4 (Hall of Famer) Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 6, 9 (Hall of Famer) Jesse Garon, San Francisco, CA -- 6, 13 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 6 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 6 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 6 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 7, 14 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 7 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 8 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 10 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 11 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 11 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 12 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 16 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Banner tag Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- Topic The Buggles, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, Venice, Italy -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "The Nashville Network", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances It seemed like a silly idea at first, but now I sleep much better with my eyes closed. (Thanks to Wade Kwon) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Aug 28 19:13:10 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5223" "Thu" "28" "August" "1997" "19:58:04" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "127" "Top5 - 8/29/97 - Romance Novel Opening Lines (Part I)" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11901; Thu, 28 Aug 97 19:13:09 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03219; Thu, 28 Aug 97 19:11:38 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.30, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABCF07791; Thu, 28 Aug 1997 19:58:04 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 8/29/97 - Romance Novel Opening Lines (Part I) Date: Thu, 28 Aug 1997 19:58:04 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Keep out of reach of children. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources QuarkXPress is great for designing print publications, but that's where the story ends. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970829/www.winsources.com ================================================================ August 29, 1997 The Top 15 Bad Romance Novel Opening Lines 15> "He snapped my bra like a Concord taking off, and I was unhooked for love." 14> "Yes, she was a woman who had once been a man, but she still knew how to flutter her eyelashes as well as those other hussies." 13> "The heaving waves on the vast, ink-black ocean sent a salty spray over the proud bow of the three-masted ship, leaving beads of water on the exposed alabaster skin above the bodice of the tall, raven-haired woman who stood sobbing on the deck, her salty tears mixing with the storm-tossed sea." 12> "Scarlet's hair was as red as my persistent canker sore." 11> "Nicolette let the silk blouse fall from her shoulders, wrapped her left leg around John and deftly cut some cheese." 10> "Robert was new at this prison thing, and he felt frightened and confused. But the moment he laid eyes on #472825994, he became a prisoner of love." 9> "Sam liked to hump." 8> "Though flanked by two swarthy state troopers, Paula found her gaze drawn to the chubby saxophonist." 7> "It was a dark and horny night." 6> "Gentle cascades of vermilion poured over Daphne's heaving, lily-white bosom. 'Call 911, Scooby,' she breathed." 5> "His flatulence reared up like a proud stallion." 4> "'Miss Savannah, is there room for both of us in that hoop skirt?' Chandler mocked with a slight bow and a sweep of his top hat." 3> "Within minutes of their meeting, Representatives Beth (D-Florida) and Eric (R-Montana) lumbered into the bedroom where soon the unmistakable sounds of wet, naked bodies engaged in a sexual congress were heard." 2> "He smelled of pork. Rotting pork, in fact, and lots of it." and the Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line... 1> "Omaha Beach, 0800 Hours: reinforcements from 2nd Panzer Korps arrive, their well-muscled young torsos glistening with man-dew." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 104 submissions from 41 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 1, Topic (9th #1) Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 2 Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 3 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 4 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 5 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 6 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 7 Barbara Rush, Tulsa, OK -- 8 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 9 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 10 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 10 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 11 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 12 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 13 Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 14 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 15 David Hoffmann, Fort Worth, TX -- Banner tag Fleetwood Mac, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Bursting Bodices", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Maybe, some time in the distant future, humankind will reach a level of achievement such that it will be possible to cure bedwetting. Maybe THEN my smartass friends will believe me! (Thanks to Chris Gahan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Aug 28 19:14:07 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4510" "Thu" "28" "August" "1997" "20:02:00" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "117" "Top5 - 8/28/97 - Signs the Ice Cream Truck Driver is Nuts" "^From:" nil nil "8" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11910; Thu, 28 Aug 97 19:14:05 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03205; Thu, 28 Aug 97 19:10:16 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.30, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABCF20943; Thu, 28 Aug 1997 20:02:00 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 8/28/97 - Signs the Ice Cream Truck Driver is Nuts Date: Thu, 28 Aug 1997 20:02:00 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Place Nose Here For Secret Message ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Kai's Photo Soap Get Your Images Squeaky Clean http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970828/www.winsources.com ================================================================ August 28, 1997 The Top 15 Signs the Ice Cream Truck Driver is Nuts 15> To balance the yin of Good Humor, offers the yang from frozen Bile on a Stick. 14> Number of kills clearly marked on the side of his truck. 13> Thinks he's always "being followed by someone disguised as little children." 12> His route takes him down your street at precisely 3:30 am every morning. 11> Comes to work wearing only a strategically placed waffle cone. 10> All the flavors have the word "Opossum" somewhere in their titles. 9> Happy calliope music replaced with Mozarts "Requiem." 8> Offers three flavors: Chocolate, Vanilla, and Sacred Blood of the Martyrs. 7> Popsicles, Creamsicles, Fudgesicles -- sure. Spleensicles? Never heard of em! 6> "Little Mr. Softee" always making surprise appearances. 5> Every time you get close to his truck he guns it and laughs while yelling, "Maybe next time, Lardass!" 4> On Tuesdays, drives backwards and demands ice cream from little kids. 3> Ice cream sandwiches come with alfalfa sprouts, dijon mustard and a pickle. 2> "Ice cream! Get your... HEY, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY TRUCK! ...Ice cream, get your ice cream!..." and the Number 1 Sign the Ice Cream Truck Driver is Nuts... 1> Likes Jerry, but thinks Ben is "a real turd." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 97 submissions from 37 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 1 (11th #1 / Hall of Famer) Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 2 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 3 John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 4 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 5 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 6 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 7 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 8, 12 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 9 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 10 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 13 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 13 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 14 (Rookie!) Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 15 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- Topic Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Banner tag David Lee Roth, Las Vegas, NV -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Tofutti", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Forget home. Behind the sternum and between the lungs -- that's where the heart is. (Thanks to Bo Williams) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Sep 1 19:03:53 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5110" "Mon" "1" "September" "1997" "20:02:21" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "130" "Top5 - 9/2/97 - Signs Your Band Won't Win a Grammy" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03170; Mon, 1 Sep 97 19:03:47 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA07768; Mon, 1 Sep 97 19:02:47 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.30, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABCE24769; Mon, 01 Sep 1997 20:02:21 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/2/97 - Signs Your Band Won't Win a Grammy Date: Mon, 01 Sep 1997 20:02:21 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Best If Used Before March 4, 1975 ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Lotus Notes 4.6 New Notes Boosts Productivity http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970902/www.winsources.com ================================================================ Chris's Vacation Report from Italy (#1 in a series) Wonderful weather, beautiful women, great wine, great films (I'm attending the Venice Film Festival), and what food! These people cook pasta like they invented the stuff! Things would be *perfect* if only I hadn't stepped on my notebook computer and cracked the screen yesterday. September 2, 1997 The Top 15 Signs Your Band Will Never Win a Grammy 16> Since name "U2" is taken, manager suggests "USuck." 15> Your esoteric blend of polka and speed metal was bad enough, but signing David Lee Roth was career suicide. 14> You weren't even nominated for the "Most Likely to Never Win a Grammy" award. 13> Your particular category, "Sucky Bands That Sound Too Much Like Pearl Jam", is terribly crowded again this year. 12> Your latest single, "Bugger the Guv'nor," lacks the edge sought by today's sophisticated Top40 listener. 11> Your barbershop quartet consists of Bobcat Goldthwait, Gilbert Gottfried, Pee Wee Herman, and Fran Drescher. 9> Even Vanilla Ice won't talk to you at big pre-Grammy bash. 8> When you get out of detox you realize you inadvertently sent your last remaining demo to your Granny. 7> Band name? The Susan Lucci's. 6> Jerry's gone and the rest of the guys can't find their car keys, let alone D-Minor. 5> You're still 1 chord short of the magic "3." 4> Your last album had more warning stickers on it than a carton of Olestra cigarettes. 3> Your audiences tend to light torches instead of matches. 2> You refuse to let your art be corrupted by the music industry -- and besides, you can't record 'til you agree on a name, and even then, your folks won't let you tour. and the Number 1 Sign Your Band Will Never Win a Grammy... 1> "Mmmbop"? Mmmnope. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 121 submissions from 45 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 1 (12th #1 / Hall of Famer) Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 2 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 2 (Rookie!) Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 3 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 4, 6 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 5 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 7 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 7 (Rookie!) Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 8 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 9 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 11 Don Swain, Lincoln, DE -- 12 (Rookie!) Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 13 Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 14 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 14 Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI -- 15 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 16 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- Topic Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Banner Tag Zager & Evans, whereabouts unknown -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "The Razzies", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If raises grew on trees and you were allowed to just go pick whichever one you wanted, I think I'd try to pick the biggest one. (Thanks to Greg D'Agostino) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Sep 2 20:27:18 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4907" "Tue" "2" "September" "1997" "19:55:36" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "122" "Top5 - 9/3/97 - Bad Romance Novel Lines (Part II)" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA12707; Tue, 2 Sep 97 20:27:16 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA20039; Tue, 2 Sep 97 20:26:10 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.30, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABBX16364; Tue, 02 Sep 1997 19:55:36 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/3/97 - Bad Romance Novel Lines (Part II) Date: Tue, 02 Sep 1997 19:55:36 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Delightfully Tacky, Yet Unrefined ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources TipFinder! Learn new tricks and hidden secrets about Windows 95 & Windows NT. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970903/www.winsources.com ================================================================ September 3, 1997 The Top 15 Bad Romance Novel Opening Lines (Part II) 15> "Hers was a dark and stormy loin." 14> "The T. Rex stopped to stare at the female, its tawny pecs rippling in the dappled light." 13> "Her eyes were a beautiful bright blue. Her lips full and sensual. And her legs strong and firm, all four of them." 12> "Nick Adams held the corset in his hand. It was a good corset. It would rip when he ripped it. Nick liked that." 11> "Her habit clung to her body like leather to a bible." 10> "Her voice quivered like a plate of Jell-O on a fault line, and her body was soon to follow." 9> "Flinging her abusive husband's genitalia out the car window, Lorena felt a long overdue sense of freedom." 8> "Long auburn hair flowing out behind her, dress billowing in the breeze, Cassandra had given in to gravity's pull and hit the pavement like a bag of fresh phlegm." 7> "I couldn't take my eyes off of his rippling physique, his dark leonine mane, his sensual lips, and his skim, no foam, double cappuccino, half-caf, half-decaf eyes." 6> "The very sight of him made me forget Paris & long for New Jersey." 5> "With great trepidation, Richard Jewell walked the six flights of stairs to the apartment he shared with his mother." 4> "Her bosom was heaving uncontrollably; she doubted she'd make it to the toilet on time." 3> "I blushed as the Captain strode toward me in his manly way, took me in his arms and whispered, 'Make it so, Number One! Engage!'" 2> "The man probe dug in deep while NASA engineers gawked in lecherous pleasure." and the Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line... 1> "Marv strutted into the Ritz with a twinkle in his eye and a gleam in his incisors." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 104 submissions from 41 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 1 (2nd #1) Matt Alford, Portland, OR -- 2 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 3, 12 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 4 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 5 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 6 Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 7 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 8 (Hall of Famer) Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 9 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 10 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 11 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- 13 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 14, Topic Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 15 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- Tag (Hall of Famer) The Romantics, somewhere on tour -- Ambience Chris White, Venice, Italy -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Black Roses", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I think the best way to insult an illiterate bully is to write him a nasty letter. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Sep 3 19:04:20 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4521" "Wed" "3" "September" "1997" "19:59:02" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "120" "Top5 - 9/4/97 - Upcoming Books From Public Figures" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA19932; Wed, 3 Sep 97 19:04:18 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA02029; Wed, 3 Sep 97 19:02:45 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.30, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABBX28714; Wed, 03 Sep 1997 19:59:02 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/4/97 - Upcoming Books From Public Figures Date: Wed, 03 Sep 1997 19:59:02 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now "Pulp Free"! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Ray Dream Studio 5 Delivers Deformation with Character. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970903/www.winsources.com ================================================================ Vacation Report From Italy (#2 in a series) September 3: I'm still in Venice, and still attending the Venice Film Festival, but things have taken a dramatic turn. I learned on Tuesday that Mira Sorvino has just arrived to promote the film, "Mimic", which is showing here. My new mission: Find Mira! More from Venice later... Must find Mira... Must find Mira... Must find Mira... September 4, 1997 The Top 15 Upcoming Books From Public Figures 15> Larry King -- "7 Wives for ...Me!" 14> Anonymous -- "How I Cheated the Teamsters" 13> Keyshawn Johnson -- "Let Me Clarify: ONLY When I'm Looking and NOT at My Groin." 12> Gallagher -- "Smashing Watermelons and Other Stuff That I Swear to God Is Really Funny" 11> Frank Gifford -- "Living Without Testicles" 10> Marcel Marceau -- " " 9> Chelsea Clinton -- "A Guide to The Best Colleges that are More than 2000 Miles Away from Your Parents" 8> Dr. Jack Kevorkian -- "I'm Okay, You're Dead" 7> Michael Jackson -- "Sorta Off-White Like Me" 6> Waldo -- "Where's Me? A Memoir" 5> Bill Clinton -- "Women are from Venus, Bribes are from China" 4> Paula Jones -- "Small-Town Spunk & Hair Spray: My Story" 3> Newt Gingrich -- "Not Quite as Fat and Somewhat Less of An Idiot than Rush Limbaugh" 2> Pamela Anderson Lee and Tommy Lee -- "Huked on Foniks" and the Number 1 Upcoming Book From Public Figures... 1> Bill Clinton -- "Chicken Soup and a Jumbo Side of Cheese Fries for the Soul" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 125 submissions from 48 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 1, 14 (4th #1) Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 2 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 3 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 4 (Hall of Famer) John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 5, Banner Tag Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 6 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 7 Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 8 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 9, 15 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 10 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 12 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 13 Jay Allen, Long Beach, CA -- Topic Bob Seger, Detroit, MI -- Ambience Chris White, Venice, IT -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Paperback Writers", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances In my opinion, a person's never fully dressed without clothes. (Thanks to Wade Kwon) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Sep 8 19:03:49 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["3439" "Mon" "8" "September" "1997" "19:55:23" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "90" "Top5 - 9/8/97 - Entries in Bill Gates's Diary" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA18560; Mon, 8 Sep 97 19:03:39 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA27738; Mon, 8 Sep 97 19:02:53 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.30, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABBW14613; Mon, 08 Sep 1997 19:55:23 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/8/97 - Entries in Bill Gates's Diary Date: Mon, 08 Sep 1997 19:55:23 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Tip not included ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Got an HP Scanner? We've got your Win95 or WinNT driver! Check out our DriverFinder http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970908/www.winsources.com ================================================================ Today's Top 5 List is from the "Shut Down" section of the October issue of Windows Sources Magazine, now available at your favorite newstand (and even newstands you don't like very much). Unfortunately, the credits are on the hard disk of a computer in Manhattan, while I am in Italy. My apologies to the contributors who helped create this list, and I'll publish the credits, along with the runners up, as soon as I return from vacation. -- Chris September 8, 1997 The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates's Diary 11> Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome. 10> Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet. 9> The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price. 8> Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute! 7> Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters. 6> Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole. 5> Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes! 4> Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days! 3> Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes. 2> Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars. and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates's Diary... 1> Seventh day: rested. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If you're walking down the street and some guy pulls out your liver, you might want to say, "Hey! I want that back!" (Thanks to Scott Hanson) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Sep 8 19:07:35 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5052" "Mon" "8" "September" "1997" "20:02:30" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "126" "Top5 - 9/9/97 - Signs You're at a Bad Tailgate Party" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA18574; Mon, 8 Sep 97 19:07:24 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA27764; Mon, 8 Sep 97 19:05:22 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABBW04876; Mon, 08 Sep 1997 20:02:30 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/9/97 - Signs You're at a Bad Tailgate Party Date: Mon, 08 Sep 1997 20:02:30 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Not recommended by any dentists ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources It's almost upgrade time - will it be NT 5 or Win 98? Plus, an in depth look at NT's Active Directory, power Mobile Power management, and its IE4 interface. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970909/www.winsources.com ================================================================ September 9, 1997 The Top 16 Signs You're at a Bad Tailgate Party 16> Instead of lighting a barbecue grill you whack at the Pinto's bumper with sledge hammers. 15> Earlier that day, that same tailgate was keeping 400 pounds of manure from falling out the back of the truck. 14> "What'll ya have -- Veggie frank or Tofu burrito?" 13> Jerry Jones starts to slice the garlic bread before Barry Switzer remembers he hid his six-shooter there. 12> The dried apricots all look suspiciously like Evander Holyfield's ear. 11> USDA SWAT team seen staking out the cooler. 10> Topless babes dancing on hood of next car turn out to be your daughters. 9> The rest of the crowd doesn't seem to despise the St. Mary's Elementary Tigers as much as you. 8> Opposing team's mascot takes a leak on your hibachi. 7> You tell a few people there's free beer and babes, the next thing you know, you've got a Kennedy family reunion on your hands. 6> Skippy's grandma won't stop asking if anyone wants more toast. 5> This band "Promise Keepers" better be good 'cause their groupies sure are lame. 4> The Chateau-Neuf-de-Pape has been improperly decanted, the vichyssoise is tepid, and the canapis are pedestrian, at best. 3> According to the invitation, your host's name is John and the party starts at 3:15. 2> Tread marks on the "roast." and the Number 1 Sign You're at a Bad Tailgate Party... 1> You ask for a brat and Shannon Doherty sits down next to you. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 108 submissions from 41 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 1 (2nd #1) David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 2, Topic Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 3 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 4, 16 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 4 (Hall of Famer) Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 5, 6 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 7 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 8 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 8 Patrick New, Chicago, IL -- 9, 14 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 10 Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 11 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 12 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 13 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 14 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 14 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 14 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 15 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 16 David Hoffmann, Fort Worth, TX -- Banner tag Hank Williams, Jr., Nashville, TN -- Ambience Chris White, Florence, Italy -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Spamburgers", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances It's a good thing Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address the year that he did, or else that "four score and seven years" part would have just been plain wrong. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Sun Sep 14 19:03:19 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4857" "Sun" "14" "September" "1997" "19:54:11" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "125" "Top5 - 9/15/97 - Signs You're Leading Hell's Army" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA02734; Sun, 14 Sep 97 19:03:17 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03458; Sun, 14 Sep 97 19:02:37 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAL00050; Sun, 14 Sep 1997 19:54:11 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/15/97 - Signs You're Leading Hell's Army Date: Sun, 14 Sep 1997 19:54:11 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T We're Beatrice! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Picture Perfect Two ways to share your photos over the Net with PictraNet and Kodak Picture Network. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970915/www.winsources.com ================================================================ September 15, 1997 The Top 16 Signs You've Been Chosen to Lead Hell's Army 16> It always seems to be about 9000 degrees in your office, and everything you sit on instantly bursts into flame. 15> Everyone calls you "Coach Switzer." 14> Hell's citizens discover it was you who gave Pauly Shore his break. 13> As you pass the Vatican, the Pope flashes something that looks alarmingly like a Crips signal. 12> You always seem to get a huge discount at Motel 666. 11> Your uniform arrives in the mail, complete with Bruno Magli loafers and a pair of ill-fitting gloves. 10> Do you think The Citadel trained you to set people on fire for no reason? 9> Hitler has the flu and Stalin tore a hamstring. 8> You haven't lost a golf game to Schwartzkoff or Powell since you received that shirt with the pitchfork where the alligator should be. 7> Your likeness keeps popping up on heavy metal bands' album covers. 6> The Oxyclear isn't making much of an impact on that pentagram-shaped zit. 5> After years of struggle and sacrifice, you finally manage to have your image projected on that big screen at the Apple convention. 4> Your new bumper sticker: "Damned if you're me, damned if you're not me." 3> Your drinking buddies quit toasting you and calling you "Bub" and start saluting you and calling you "Beelzebub." 2> Every time you enter a room, Ed McMahon announces, "Heeeeeere's Satan!" and the Number 1 Sign You've Been Chosen to Lead Hell's Army... 1> Devil on right shoulder regularly beats the crap out of angel on left shoulder. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 85 submissions from 35 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Patrick New, Chicago, IL -- 1 (1st #1!) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 2 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 3, 8 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 4 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 5 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 6 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 7 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 9 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 10 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 11 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 12 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 13 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 14 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 15 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 16 R.M. Weiner, Brighton, MA -- Topic Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- Banner Tag Marilyn Manson, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Chris White, Milan, Italy -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Hotfoot Soldiers", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances One of the best things about a hernia is that it helps take your mind off of your political torturers. (Thanks to LeMel Hebert-Williams) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Sep 15 19:09:54 1997 Status: RO X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4570" "Mon" "15" "September" "1997" "19:59:15" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "116" "Top5 - 9/16/97 - Wrong Mount Everest Guide" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09601; Mon, 15 Sep 97 19:09:52 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA14960; Mon, 15 Sep 97 19:06:04 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABBK15113; Mon, 15 Sep 1997 19:59:15 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/16/97 - Wrong Mount Everest Guide Date: Mon, 15 Sep 1997 19:59:15 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Supporting the Girl Scouts of America! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Stellar new notebooks: Gateway's 233MHz Solo 2300 and Microns Transport XE. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970916/www.winsources.com ================================================================ September 16, 1997 The Top 16 Signs You've Chosen the Wrong Mount Everest Guide 16> The last three days, all you've had to eat is s'mores. 15> Every morning greets the group with, "Wonder who'll die today?" 14> Doesn't worry about provisions, as there's bound to be a Starbucks or McDonald's every half mile or so. 13> Gets lost in the "Sherpa Shack" gift shop. 12> Makes everyone do upside down shots off the St. Bernard's collar. 11> First day's preparation devoted entirely to making snow angels. 10> Every 10 minutes, stops and yells, "RICOLA." 9> Throws a fit when her stiletto heel gets stuck in the ice. 8> Has everyone stick their tongues to a cherry popsicle "for practice." 7> Keeps repeating, "Is it me, or is it cold up here?" 6> "Map, schmap -- you see the top from here!!" 5> Two words: Golf Clubs. 4> Forgets to wear socks with his sandals. 3> Keeps using the oxygen tanks to make balloon animals. 2> Every so often, turns and screams, "Stop following me!" and the Number 1 Sign You've Chosen the Wrong Mount Everest Guide... 1> Squeezes your ass then yells, "Hey, if we get stranded we can live off Tubby here for a week!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 113 submissions from 43 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 1 (6th #1) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 2 (Hall of Famer) Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 3 Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI -- 4, 14 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 5 Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 6 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 7, 16 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 8, Topic Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 9 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 10, 15 (Hall of Famer) Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 11 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 12 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 13 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 14 Leslie West, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Alan Smithee, witness protection program -- Banner Tag Chris White, Lago di Garda, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Space Mountain Guides", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances My grandpa used to say if he could have a nickel for every mistake he made, he'd be a rich man. That's stupid, because if he got a nickel every time, he would do those things on purpose, and they wouldn't really be mistakes then, would they? And asking for just a nickel is even more stupid, in my opinion. (Thanks to Joel McClure) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:32:56 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4211" "Sun" "26" "October" "1997" "19:54:56" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "113" "Top5 - 10/27/97 - Freudian Pick-Up Lines" "^From:" nil nil "10" "1997102702:54:56" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4211 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA07579; Sun, 26 Oct 97 19:04:40 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA06682; Sun, 26 Oct 97 19:02:57 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAH08068; Sun, 26 Oct 1997 19:54:56 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 10/27/97 - Freudian Pick-Up Lines Date: Sun, 26 Oct 1997 19:54:56 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Doin' the happy nekkid dance! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources I love you, you love me, we can play, in-ter-ac-tively. Microsoft's ActiMates Interactive Barney! http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971027/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 27, 1997 The Top 15 Freudian Pick-Up Lines 15> "My sign is Ramses, what's yours?" 14> "You're one hot Mama... But of course, all women are!" 13> "You ego may be saying 'no', but your id is giving me a tongue bath." 12> "Wanna come back to my place and do something you'll repress later?" 11> "Did I tell you I'm a Certified Pubic Accountant?" 10> "Y'know, a few minutes of probing on my couch and you'd be a completely different woman." 9> "You *must* be tired, because you've been running through my passive-aggressive-libido-suppressed mind all night." 8> "You remind me of my mother when she was Jung." 7> "Excuse me, but I couldn't help noticing that you're also putting hot dogs through doughnuts." 6> "I'll envy yours, if you'll envy mine." 5> "Mind if I put my cigar in your ashtray?" 4> "I believe in putting the 'psycho' back in 'psychoanalysis.'" 3> "Can I buy you a shrink?" 2> "...Oops! I mean Horatio! My name is *Horatio*." and the Number 1 Freudian Pick-Up Line... 1> "...and ven I snap my fingers, you vill put your clothes back on and remember none of zis.." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 97 submissions from 38 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 1, Topic (3rd #1) Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 2 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 3, 8 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 4 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 5 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 6, 13 (Hall of Famer) Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 7 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 9 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 10 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 10, 14 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 11 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 12 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 15 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- Banner Tag The Artist, Minneapolis, MN -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Pink Slips", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Do you ever think people on other planets think we're real stupid for believing that there's life on other planets? (Thanks to Jonathan Colan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:34:28 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5100" "Tue" "28" "October" "1997" "19:55:05" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "127" "Top5 - 10/29/97 - Ways to Bite It After the Big Crash" "^From:" nil nil "10" "1997102902:55:05" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5100 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA26155; Tue, 28 Oct 97 19:24:38 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11645; Tue, 28 Oct 97 19:22:05 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAE22604; Tue, 28 Oct 1997 19:55:05 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 10/29/97 - Ways to Bite It After the Big Crash Date: Tue, 28 Oct 1997 19:55:05 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Official Humor Supplier of the 1998 U.S. Olympic Team ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources All 56K Modems Are Not Created Equal See how K56flex modems, Diamond's Supra series and Motorola's ModemSurfr, stack up against x2. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971029/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 29, 1997 The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash 16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait. 15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you. 14> The "Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts" from worthless stock certificates. 13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup. 12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait. 11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police. 10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner 9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics. 8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his stocks tanked. 7> Hold a "Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez" meeting at your Miami apartment. 6> Tie yourself to Marv Albert's career. 5> Jump from the top of Janet Reno. 4> Urinate into the Times Square electronic stock ticker. 3> Sneak up quietly behind a bear, carefully place both hands on its rear haunches, and attempt to get some eye-for-an-eye revenge, if you know what I mean. 2> 1)Chair; 2)Chains; 3)Eyelid props; 4)The Jenny McCarthy Show. and the Number 1 Way to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash... 1> Ponder the fact that Gates the Geek won't even miss the $1.75 *billion* he lost today, until your head implodes. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 99 submissions from 40 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Paul Lara, Temple, TX -- 1 (2nd #1) John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 2, 12 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 2, 5, 10 (Hat trick!) Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 3 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 6 Jay Allen, Long Beach, CA -- 7 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 7 Jeff Johnson, Daly City, CA -- 8 R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA -- 9 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 13 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 14 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 14 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 15 Natasha Filipovic, New York, NY -- 16 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- Banner Tag Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- Topic Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- Topic Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Topic Crash Test Dummies, Winnipeg, Manitoba -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Window Shoppers", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If you ever get hit by a truck, you should try to get hit by a FedEx truck, because they'll definitely get you to a hospital within twenty-four hours. (Thanks to R.M. Weiner) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:36:52 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4756" "Sun" "2" "November" "1997" "19:46:49" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "123" "Top5 - 11/3/97 - Complaints of Modern Day Werewolves" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997110302:46:49" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4756 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA01945; Sun, 2 Nov 97 19:03:52 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA28501; Sun, 2 Nov 97 19:03:09 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAA11489; Sun, 02 Nov 1997 19:46:49 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/3/97 - Complaints of Modern Day Werewolves Date: Sun, 02 Nov 1997 19:46:49 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Thank you, Sir. May I have another? ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Bells and Whistles Want a Pentium II with DVD, AGP and all the rest? Consider the IBM Aptiva S6S http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971101/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 1, 1997 The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Werewolves 16> In a steamy shower, bottle of Nair looks just like bottle of shampoo. 15> Obnoxious frat boys who attempt to ruffle you with a different type of "full moon." 14> Jason Bateman's portrayal not quite as sympathetic as Michael J. Fox's. 13> Constant wet-dog smell on your car's upholstery. 12> Most people get all freaked out by a friendly get-acquainted crotch-sniff. 11> Confused PETA zealots and their red spray paint attacks. 10> Constant marking of territory required to keep Ed Asner and Robin Williams at bay. 9> Is that Martha Stewart anal or what?! 8> Latest Cosmo poll says back hair STILL a big turnoff. 7> Routine ass kickings from neighborhood pit bull. 6> Having to bail Warren Zevon out of the drunk tank twice a week. 5> Can't stop for a leisurely tongue bath without drawing an envious crowd. 4> Chicks don't dig human-carnage breath. 3> The grating way Barbara Walters pronounces your name. 2> Between gangs, British nannies, and O.J., nobody gives a rat's ass about a hair-covered snarling killer anymore. and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Werewolves... 1> Just can't get the goatee to look right. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 118 submissions from 41 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 1 (13th #1 / Hall of Famer) Neil Schwartzman, Montreal, Quebec -- 2 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 3, 14 Tom Louderback, Boston, MA -- 4 Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 5, 12, 13 (Hat trick!) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 6 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 7 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 7 Chris Gleason, Germantown, MD -- 8 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 9 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 10 (Hall of Famer) Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 11 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 11 Geoff Brown, Farmington Hills, MI -- 15 Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 15 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 16 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Banner Tag Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- Runner Up list name Bob Segar & the Silver Bullet Band, Detroit, MI -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Wolf Blitzers", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances The other day, I was riding with two friends of mine who were talking about what a genius I am. It was flattering, but I think they were just comparing me to the District Attorney, who had foolishly left his keys in the car. (Thanks to Eric) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:37:10 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4309" "Mon" "3" "November" "1997" "19:46:04" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "117" "Top5 - 11/4/97 - 19th Century Euphemisms for \"M\"" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997110402:46:04" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4309 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA17398; Mon, 3 Nov 97 19:07:04 PST Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA16680; Mon, 3 Nov 97 19:06:35 PST Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYZ12888; Mon, 03 Nov 1997 19:46:04 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/4/97 - 19th Century Euphemisms for "M" Date: Mon, 03 Nov 1997 19:46:04 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Don't like our lists? Dial 1-800-EAT-LIST ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Anti-Virus Big Boys Protect yourself from all those files you download! See how Big Blue's AntiVirus 3.0 does against the latest version of Norton AntiVirus 4.0 from Symantec. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971104/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 4, 1997 The Top 16 Nineteenth-Century Euphemisms for Masturbation 16> Pocket Punch 'n' Judy 15> Signing your John Hancock 14> Dragging Thyself to Hell, One Hand's Breadth at a Time 13> Emptyin' the Saloon 12> Waving to Queen Victoria 11> Trying for a Scarlet "M" 10> Oiling the Pennywhistle 9> Assaulting the Tower of London 8> Cleaning the Musket 7> Quashing the Southern Uprising 6> Monitoring your Merrimac 5> Driving the Golden Spike 4> Delivering the Ejaculation Proclamation 3> Churning the Codpiece Butter 2> Square Dancing with Satan and the Number 1 Nineteenth-Century Euphemism for Masturbation... 1> Addressing Lord Palmer [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 117 submissions from 43 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 1 (12th #1) Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 2 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 3, 8, Topic Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 3 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 3 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 4 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 5 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 6, 8 Patrick Douglas Crispen, Univ of Alabama -- 7 Natasha Filipovic, New York, NY -- 8 Brad Schreiber, Los Angeles, CA -- 9, RU list name Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 10 R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA -- 11 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 12, 13 Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 12 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 12 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 12 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 14 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 15 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 16 David Hoffmann, Fort Worth, TX -- Banner tag Jethro Tull, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Toads-in-the-Hole", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Y'know, if we just killed all the whales, I wouldn't have to hang up on those damned Greenpeace guys anymore, NOW WOULD I?! (Thanks to Chris Gahan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:38:01 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4918" "Wed" "5" "November" "1997" "19:52:07" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "123" "Top5 - 11/5/97 - Suffering From \"Road Rage\" (Part I)" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997110602:52:07" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4918 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA04101; Wed, 5 Nov 97 19:05:19 PST Received: from sender1.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA22992; Wed, 5 Nov 97 19:03:58 PST Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYX21501; Wed, 05 Nov 1997 19:52:07 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/5/97 - Suffering From "Road Rage" (Part I) Date: Wed, 05 Nov 1997 19:52:07 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Look for our "Girls of Top 5" issue -- at newstands now! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Quick Click to Expert Tips Speed up printing, customize MS Office, increase performance... just plain compute better, with Windows Sources Expert Tips. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971105/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 5, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You Suffer From "Road Rage" (Part I) 15> Driver's license exam question: "When passing on right, always _______________." Your answer: "Shoot to Kill." 14> State Farm refuses to insure a personal vehicle with gun turrets. 13> Other commuters force you into a rest area and conduct a rush-hour intervention. 12> You've packed enough guns and ammo to make a Tarantino film, yet you're just going to the market to buy milk. 11> You have an open account at Earl Scheib. 10> Your blood pressure's higher than Ditka's. 9> Someone cuts you off and the next thing you know, two members of your carpool get killed in the crossfire. 8> You've developed carpal tunnel syndrome in your middle finger. 7> You mounted your wipers on the inside to clear the spittle. 6> Lazy chopper pilot for Fox TV's "Real Crashes" simply waits in vacant lot next to your garage. 5> A) Teeth marks on steering wheel all the way down to the 5 and 7 o'clock positions; B) You're NOT Christian Slater, Mike Tyson, or Marv Albert. 4> Left forearm bigger than Popeye's from giving the finger and aiming the Uzi. 3> In traffic, that throbbing vein in your forehead gets big enough to honk the horn on its own. 2> You can't resist firing off a few practice shots whenever you pass a Target store. and the Number 1 Sign You Suffer From "Road Rage"... 1> Two words: Feces slingshot [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 121 submissions from 44 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 1, 10 (12th #1) Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 2 (Hall of Famer) Chris Gleason, Germantown, MD -- 3 Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 4 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 4 (Hall of Famer) Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 5 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 6 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 7 Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 8 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 8 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 9 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 11 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 12 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 13 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 14 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 15 Greg Giordano, Seattle, WA -- Topic Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- Tag (Hall of Famer) The Cars, Boston, MA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Roadkill", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances The last time I ever complained to my Dad was when I said, "Dad, I don't want to see Grandma today." Even today I still remember his response: "Shut up and keep on diggin'..." (Thanks to Dan Lantz) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:38:41 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4826" "Thu" "6" "November" "1997" "19:46:46" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "124" "Top5 - 11/6/97 - Suffering From \"Road Rage\" (Part II)" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997110702:46:46" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4826 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11981; Thu, 6 Nov 97 19:05:31 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11149; Thu, 6 Nov 97 19:04:22 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYX11644; Thu, 06 Nov 1997 19:46:46 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/6/97 - Suffering From "Road Rage" (Part II) Date: Thu, 06 Nov 1997 19:46:46 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Not available in any store. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Remember DOS Batch Files? WinBatch 97 is a multifunction Windows macro-programming language. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971106/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 6, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You Suffer From "Road Rage" (Part II) 15> For lack of a more effective weapon, you find yourself threatening other drivers with the cigarette lighter. 14> You exchange your Uzi with laser sighting for a "more serious weapon." 13> You've stopped wearing pants in the car to make it easier to moon tailgaters. 12> Local Crips now have a hand signal for "Get Off The Road, That Psycho's Coming!" 11> On your license, under "restrictions", it says, "Valium Required." 10> That Yugo hood ornament on your 4X4 is not *actually* an ornament. 9> The only thing that calms you down is your trusty Megadeth CD. 8> The need to wring Dr. Laura Schlessinger's neck is just a bit more urgent than usual. 7> You swear more before you get to work than most gangsta rappers do all day. 6> You threaten to run over the person in front of you, even though you're in line for communion. 5> The car's a year old, but you're already on your fifth horn. 4> Your saw blades don't work, your voice is out of sync with your mouth, and Speed Racer has just beaten you in another race. 3> You've traded your plastic statue of St. Christopher for one of A.C. Cowlings. 2> You'd flash your brights at that slow dumbass Jacob ahead of you if your buggy only had headlights. and the Number 1 Sign You Suffer From "Road Rage"... 1> You've plowed more pedestrians than Wilt Chamberlain. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 121 submissions from 44 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 1 (13th #1/Hall of Famer) Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 2 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 3 (Hall of Famer) David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 4 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 5 Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 6 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 7 Jay Allen, Long Beach, CA -- 8 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 9 Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 10 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 11 Alexander Clemens, San Fran, CA -- 12 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 13 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 14 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 15 Greg Giordano, Seattle, WA -- Topic Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Banner Tag ZZ Top, Houston, TX -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Blue Hairs", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances In my wild youth, we would go out to Dead Man's Run behind Old McGregor's Farm and play chicken. I was the champ until Fast Sammy Rivers came to town and stripped me of my title. Although all of my friends thought the match was a little unfair since he had a car and all. (Thanks to R.M. Weiner) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:39:18 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4177" "Thu" "6" "November" "1997" "19:52:55" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "122" "Top5 - 11/7/97 - Rejected Stallone Character Names" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997110702:52:55" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4177 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11982; Thu, 6 Nov 97 19:05:31 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11144; Thu, 6 Nov 97 19:04:17 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYX05409; Thu, 06 Nov 1997 19:52:55 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/7/97 - Rejected Stallone Character Names Date: Thu, 06 Nov 1997 19:52:55 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T 10 bucks. Same as downtown. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Draw This! With tools for illustration, photo editing, OCR, VRML and more, CorelDRAW! 8 can do it. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971107/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 7, 1997 The Top 15 Rejected Sylvester Stallone Movie Character Names NOTE TO MY BELOVED SUBSCRIBERS: For this topic, our crack staff of highly-unpaid Top 5 List contributors were forced to follow the Stallone-standard "consonant-vowel-consonant-consonant-vowel" naming convention (Examples: Rocky, Rambo, Cobra, Tango, etc.). Here are the results. -- Chris 16> Ringo 15> Mento 14> Jacko 13> Conga! 12> Waldo 11> Zorba 10> Tammy 9> Dildo 8> Fudgy 7> Jismo 6> Raffi 5> Tubby 4> Bingo - "Yo, that's my name-o!" 3> Bambi 2> Morty and the Number 1 Rejected Stallone Movie Character Name... 1> Marvo [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 148 submissions from 48 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY -- 1 (4th #1) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 2, 9 (Hall of Famer) Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 3 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 4 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 4, 12 Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 4, 16, Topic Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 5, 10 Galen Tatsuo Komatsu, Hawaii! -- 5, 8 Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 6, 7 Tisha Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 7, 11 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 9 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 9 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 12 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 12 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 13 Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 14 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 14 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 14 R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA -- 14 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 15 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 16 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Banner Tag Zappa, whereabouts unknown -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Stop, or My Editor Will Shoot!", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If I ever have a ranch, I'm going to call it "Rancho de los Ranchos" because I like to make people repeat themselves. (Thanks to LeMel Hebert-Williams) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:39:59 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4814" "Sun" "9" "November" "1997" "19:51:21" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "122" "Top5 - 11/10/97 - Signs Barry Scheck is Losing It" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997111002:51:21" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4814 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03696; Sun, 9 Nov 97 19:03:50 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA24958; Sun, 9 Nov 97 19:03:08 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYX13530; Sun, 09 Nov 1997 19:51:21 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/10/97 - Signs Barry Scheck is Losing It Date: Sun, 09 Nov 1997 19:51:21 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Still illegal in 37 states. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Lotus Notes Bug! Lotus investigates bug in Notes' viewer, Excel spreadsheets affected. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971110/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 10, 1997 The Top 15 Signs Barry Scheck is Losing It (The infamous Mr. Scheck is the attorney representing the famous "British nanny," and was also a member of O.J. Simpson's "Dream Team.") 15> Continually refers to nanny defendant as "Miss Drescher." 14> Claims Mark Fuhrman planted a bloody bib. 13> Walks in wearing only boxers, clutching his trousers in his upraised fists, shrieking, "If my pants don't fit, you must acquit!!" 12> Giggles uncontrollably when asked if he'd like to poll the jury. 11> Next high profile case? Top 5 List v. Girl Scouts of America 10> Sprays on athlete's foot medication then shouts "What about THAT, Mr. Fungus!?!" 9> Responds to every judicial decision favorable to the defense by saying, "I'm lawyerrrrrific!" 8> Keeps muttering "You win some, you lose some. Either way, you *still* get a zillion dollars." 7> Keeps trying to introduce scientific T&A evidence. 6> Buoyed by his success in the O.J. trial, makes failed attempt to play the "Stuffy British Person card" in the nanny trial. 5> His next case? Defending Kato Kaetlin against the charge of being a no-talent, pretty-boy freeloader! 4> "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury... I have a live Cod in my shorts, and it's doing the Macarena." 3> Points to his head and says, "Your Honor, I object to everything said by the 'Bad Barry.'" 2> He comes to work dressed only in a diaper, then tells judge he made a "blicky" and that he needs to be changed. and the Number 1 Sign Barry Scheck is Losing It... 1> Grabs court reporter by the neck and screams, "TALK, DAMN YOU! TALK!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 95 submissions from 35 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 1 (1st #1!) Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 2 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 3, 15 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 4 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 5 Geoff Brown, Farmington Hills, MI -- 6, 13 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 7 Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 8, 15 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 9 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 10 (Hall of Famer) Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 11 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 12 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 14 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- Topic Eric Foster, Altamonte Springs, FL -- Banner tag Babyface, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Overruled!", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances My Daddy used to tell me, "Son, if you don't have something good to say about someone well then SAY IT ya stupid bastard!! What the hell are ya' waitin' for!!!" (Thanks to Jeff Downey) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:42:28 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4531" "Tue" "11" "November" "1997" "19:44:39" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "114" "Top5 - 11/12/97 - Signs You're Not Nanny Material" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997111202:44:39" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4531 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA20933; Tue, 11 Nov 97 19:08:08 PST Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03011; Tue, 11 Nov 97 19:05:28 PST Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYX24657; Tue, 11 Nov 1997 19:44:39 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/12/97 - Signs You're Not Nanny Material Date: Tue, 11 Nov 1997 19:44:39 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T If redness, swelling, or irritation occurs, discontinue use. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources NEC Knee Top NEC's new Windows CE device, the MobilePro 700, can do most of what a laptop does. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971112/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 12, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You're Not Nanny Material 15> Your "license" is from the Nevada State Athletic Commission. 14> When prospective employers ask what your thoughts are on discipline, you simply point to your 5-inch stiletto heels. 13> Your bedtime story to the kids consists of telling them that the Sandman will rip their faces off if they don't go right to sleep. 12> No more free evenings since you became "Trevor, pantsless defender of the night!" 11> Your solution to every problem: Your homemade "Kiddie Nunchuck" 10> Your only experience with children involves the baby doll dress and Shirley Temple wig the escort agency made you wear. 9> Your version of Rock-A-Bye-Baby involves an actual tree top. 8> You always seem to choose "Sex with boyfriend" over "Dinner for kids." 7> You bring over some dingoes to watch the baby while you're out. 6> "Spoonful of sugar" may work for Mary Poppins, but nothing beats a shot of Nyquil and leather restraints for *real* child control. 5> Tendency to check tykes temperature with a meat thermometer. 4> Your brilliant new concept: Garbage bag cinched at baby's waist = 10-day diaper 3> You're Super-cali-fragil-istic-expi-ali-psycho. 2> Burping the baby involves a sixer of Bud and a Beefy Tostada. and the Number 1 Sign You're Not Nanny Material... 1> "Hey! Simon didn't say, "Breathe"!!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 127 submissions from 45 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 1, 6 (6th #1) Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 2 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 3, 4 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 6 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 7, RU list name Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 8, 13 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 9 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 10 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 12 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 14 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 15 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Topic Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI -- Banner Tag Eddie Money, Chicago, IL -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Ninny Material", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I bet ten-foot poles don't get much use. (Thanks to LeMel Hebert-Williams) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:42:48 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4878" "Tue" "11" "November" "1997" "20:03:10" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "128" "Top5 - 11/11/97 - Signs Your Date's Not an English Major" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997111203:03:10" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4878 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA20918; Tue, 11 Nov 97 19:05:39 PST Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03000; Tue, 11 Nov 97 19:04:16 PST Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYX23406; Tue, 11 Nov 1997 20:03:10 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/11/97 - Signs Your Date's Not an English Major Date: Tue, 11 Nov 1997 20:03:10 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Read twice every four hours, or until throbbing stops. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Holy Kayak Batman! What's got two 300MHz Pentium IIs and is a crazy fast NT power house? Why, it's the HP Kayak, Robin! http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971111/www.winsources.com ================================================================ Top Five, All Year Long! Now enjoy Top Five all year long with your very own official Windows Sources Top 5 1998 Calendar. Yours free, with every copy of Windows Sources magazine. Pick one up today at your local news stand! ================================================================ November 11, 1997 The Top 15 Signs Your Date's Not an English Major 16> She thinks Jack London is a character on General Hospital. 15> Has legally changed her name to "Slutty Spice." 14> Won't stop talking about the time he bit Holyfield's ear. 13> Wants to buy the novel of the Mr. Bean movie. 12> The two of you constantly argue about which "Homer" came first. 11> Giggles uncontrollably whenever you bring up "Moby Dick." 10> Thinks "Elements of Style" was written by Elsa Klensch. 9> The last time he completed a sentence, he was at Attica. 8> "You gots no condom, you gets no party", was your last clue. 7> "Of *course* I've read Walden. And it only took me 10 minutes to find him!" 6> Ask her to conjugate a verb and she starts talking and belching at the same time. 5> Doesn't have a lot of free weekends due to busy schedule as NASCAR commentator. 4> Thinks "Beowolf" is a show starring David Hasselhoff. 3> Her favorite poem deals with a man from Nantucket. 2> When you ask him if he has any Grey Poupon, he says, "Hey, don't be gross!" and the Number 1 Sign Your Date's Not an English Major... 1> You: "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?" Her: "Dude! That would be, like, totally bitchin'!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 115 submissions from 43 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 1 (6th #1) Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 2 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 3, 10 Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 4, 11 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 4, Banner Tag Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 5 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 7 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 8 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 11 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 11 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 12 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 13, 15 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 14 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 16 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- Topic Prof. Gordon Sumner, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Dropouts", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances People with too much time on their hands should try Lava. That stuff washes off anything. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:43:18 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5153" "Wed" "12" "November" "1997" "20:02:43" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "129" "Top5 - 11/13/97 - Off-Limits Topics (Part I)" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997111303:02:43" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5153 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA00803; Wed, 12 Nov 97 19:05:36 PST Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA23411; Wed, 12 Nov 97 19:04:07 PST Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYY03696; Wed, 12 Nov 1997 20:02:43 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/13/97 - Off-Limits Topics (Part I) Date: Wed, 12 Nov 1997 20:02:43 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T This is not an exit. Alarm will sound. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources A: Drive = ZIP Drive Iomega teams up with Symantec and Micron to further establish the ZIP as the standard. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971113/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 13, 1997 We here at Top5 are constantly walking a tightrope, on one hand trying to be funny *and* creative, and on the other hand trying not to be on the receiving end of any lawsuits and to keep our corporate sponsors, Windows Sources & Ziff-Davis, happy. Consequently, there are certain topics we avoid like the plague. Today and tomorrow, in a 2-part list, we'd like to share some of those off-limits topics with you, our beloved readers. -- Chris The Top 15 Topics Guaranteed to Get the Top 5 List in Hot Water (Part I) 15> Reasons Top 5 List Subscribers Suck 14> Biblical Euphemisms for Masturbation 13> Reasons the Middle East Still Won't Realize after 5,000 Years that Fighting Won't Solve Anything 12> Chapters Left Out of "The Satanic Verses" 11> Ways to Mispronounce "Ziff-Davis" 10> Signs You're a Hairy-Legged Feminist 9> Signs Your Creeping Homophobia is an Indication of Your Subconscious Attraction to Rush Limbaugh 8> Ways to Use the Word "Newt" to Describe Genitalia 7> Things Pauly Shore Shouted as He Dressed Up as a Scout in a Dress and Uzi'd a Roomful of Amway Reps and Promise Keepers 6> Signs Chris White's NAMBLA Membership is Up for Renewal 5> Ways to Tell if Your Pet is Gay 4> Uncredited Top 5 Lists Used by Playboy Magazine, Like the One on Page 21 of Their December '97 Issue 3> Uses for a Throw Rug Made From Siamese Cat Fur 2> Martha Stewart Dildo Decorating Tips and the Number 1 Topics Guaranteed to Get the Top 5 List in Hot Water... 1> Signs that the Top 5 List is a Front for Laundering Drug Money Though Offshore Banks, a Fact that is Totally Lost on Those Losers At the IRS [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from a record *210* submissions from 53 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 1 (6th #1) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 2 (Hall of Famer) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 3, 14 (Hall of Famer) Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 3, 6 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 4 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 5, 6 (Hall of Famer) Joshua Wachs, Cambridge, MA -- 6 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 7, 9 Rob Wells, Paris, France -- 8 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 10 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 11 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 12 Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 12 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 13 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 15 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- Topic LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Fran., CA -- Tag (Hall of Famer) Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Corduroy 9, Laurel, MD -- Ambience } Find Corduroy 9 on the Internet at: Corduroy9@Geocities.com { } http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Studio/4795/ { ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Tepid & Lukewarm", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Mom thinks she knows everything, but I gotta confess she was right about the cheese-fondue-in-the-pocket thing. (Thanks to Matthew J. Siske) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Fri Nov 14 15:43:30 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4176" "Thu" "13" "November" "1997" "20:02:24" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "111" "Top5 - 11/14/97 - Off-Limits Topics (Part II)" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997111403:02:24" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4176 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09976; Thu, 13 Nov 97 19:04:34 PST Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA13223; Thu, 13 Nov 97 19:03:57 PST Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYV13959; Thu, 13 Nov 1997 20:02:24 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/14/97 - Off-Limits Topics (Part II) Date: Thu, 13 Nov 1997 20:02:24 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T When do you want to laugh today? ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Digital Digs! Our obsession with computing doesn't end at work. Find out how to put your home on the cutting edge of technology. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971114/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 14, 1997 The Top 15 Topics Guaranteed to Get the Top 5 List in Hot Water (Part II) 15> Celebrities We Wish Had Flown with John Denver 14> Skeletons in Mother Theresa's Closet 13> Homoerotic Militia Groups 12> New Addresses & Identities of Relocated Mob Informants and CIA Undercover Operatives 11> Ways the Ku Klux Klan Would Be Different if Ellen DeGeneres Were Grand Wizard 10> Reasons Pizza-Faced, No-Life Hackers Could Never Penetrate the Mighty Website Security Protocols at Topfive.com 9> Reasons Breasts are More Important than Brains 8> Ways Madonna Is Different from *The* Madonna 7> Ways to Taunt Crips & Bloods 6> Celebrities You Just *Know* are Pedophiles 5> Recipes for Dog 4> Home Medical Experiments to Perform on Cute Little Bunny Rabbits 3> Signs Scientology is a Huge, Stinking Load of Crap 2> Things Allah Did on His Vegas Vacation and the Number 1 Topic Guaranteed to Get the Top 5 List in Hot Water... 1> Sexual Fetishes of Windows Sources Executives [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from a record *210* submissions from 53 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 1 (4th #1) Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 1 (4th #1) Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 2 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 4, 6 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 7 Gayle Ehrenman, New York, NY -- 8 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 9, 14 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 10, 12 Jay Allen, Long Beach, CA -- 11 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 13 Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 15 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- Topic David Hoffmann, Fort Worth, TX -- Banner tag Talking Heads, New York, NY -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Waterlogged", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances The bigger they are, the worse they smell. (Thanks to Jena Jones & Heidi McIntyre, Kingsville, TX) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Mon Nov 24 15:45:38 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4014" "Mon" "17" "November" "1997" "19:49:59" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "114" "Top5 - 11/18/97 - Lesser Known Opponents of Godzilla" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997111802:49:59" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4014 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09212; Mon, 17 Nov 97 19:03:57 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA12983; Mon, 17 Nov 97 19:03:24 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYP00936; Mon, 17 Nov 1997 19:49:59 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/18/97 - Lesser Known Opponents of Godzilla Date: Mon, 17 Nov 1997 19:49:59 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Iomega's new Zip Plus Setup's a breeze, but is Iomega's new cross-platform Zip Plus faster? http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971118/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 18, 1997 The Top 15 Lesser Known Opponents of Godzilla 15> His evil twin, Godzima 14> Hemorrhoithra 13> A creeping malaise, caused by his being agnostic and painfully aware of his own cosmic insignificance 12> Deepakchopra 11> Tony "The Taxidermist" Bouffanti 10> ManRay: Fearsome Black and White Photographer Awakened after 50-Year Slumber 9> Gnatra 8> Marvthra, the Panty-Wearing Muncher 7> Chumbawamba 6> Tupacra, the Giant Gangsta 5> Tortilla, the Mexican Terror 4> Flatulo - "Watch out! He's turning around!!" 3> Hanson, the Three-Headed Monster 2> Mothra Stewart and the Number 1 Lesser Known Opponent of Godzilla... 1> Disembowel-You Elmo [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 183 submissions from 66 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 1 (3rd #1) Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 2, Topic John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY -- 2 (Rookie!) Tim Blankenbaker, Washington, DC -- 3 Paul Lara, Temple, TX -- 4 Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 4 (Rookie!) Vickie Neilson, Carlsbad, CA -- 5 Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 6 Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA -- 7 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 7 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 8, 12 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 8 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 8 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 8 Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 9 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 10 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 13 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 14 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 15 (Hall of Famer) Blue Oyster Cult, Long Island, NY -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Rubber Monsters", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Sometimes in the wind, if we listen, we hear sensible sounds. The rest of the time, it's mostly bitching. (Thanks to Matt Siske) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Mon Nov 24 15:45:41 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil t nil nil t nil nil] ["5788" "Sun" "16" "November" "1997" "19:49:45" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "145" "Top5 - 11/17/97 - Consequences of the \"Millennium Bug\"" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997111702:49:45" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5788 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA01477; Sun, 16 Nov 97 19:04:43 PST Received: from sender1.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA23969; Sun, 16 Nov 97 19:03:26 PST Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYV14261; Sun, 16 Nov 1997 19:49:45 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/17/97 - Consequences of the "Millennium Bug" Date: Sun, 16 Nov 1997 19:49:45 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Call your mother. She worries. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources The TV Crashed Again! David Berlind finds out the hard way that PC-TV convergence isn't everything it's cracked up to be. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971117/www.winsources.com ================================================================ HOT TOP 5 LIST NEWS! Since mid-1994, The Top 5 List has only inducted one person into our Top 5 List Hall of Fame, so we thought it was time we opened the doors and let a few more highly-deserving folks in. We are proud to announce our newest Hall of Fame inductees: Bill Muse Seattle, WA Steve Hurd San Ramon, CA David W. James Los Angeles, CA John Voigt Chicago, Il Paul Paternoster Redwood City, CA Doug Johnson Santa Cruz, CA Lev L. Spiro Hollywood, CA Chuck Smith Woodbridge, VA George Olson Colorado Springs, CA Congratulations to the new Hall of Famers. You can check out their pictures and biographies, as well as those of all of our Hall of Famers, in the newly-revamped Hall of Fame area of our website, at http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ November 17, 1997 The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug" 15> IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers. 14> "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop. 13> At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse. 12> Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey" 11> Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour. 10> Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits. 9> Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops, too late. 8> Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again. 7> Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun. 6> Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar. 5> Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers. 4> Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103. 3> First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley" 2> Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians. and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"... 1> Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 98 submissions from 33 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 1 (7th #1) Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 2 (Hall of Famer) Josh Robertson, Bronx, NY -- 3, 7 Geoff Brown, Farmington Hills, MI -- 4, 7 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 5 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 7, 9, 10, 12, 14 (Double Eagle!) Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 8 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 11 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 12 Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 13 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 15 (Hall of Famer) Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA -- Topic Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- Banner Tag The Beatles, Liverpool, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Squashed", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty. (Thanks to Matthew J. Siske) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Mon Nov 24 15:45:46 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4689" "Tue" "18" "November" "1997" "20:01:27" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "117" "Top5 - 11/18/97 - Chess Club Meeting Pick-up Lines" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997111903:01:27" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4689 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA17020; Tue, 18 Nov 97 19:04:54 PST Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA12662; Tue, 18 Nov 97 19:03:57 PST Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYP05730; Tue, 18 Nov 1997 20:01:27 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/18/97 - Chess Club Meeting Pick-up Lines Date: Tue, 18 Nov 1997 20:01:27 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now available in five pastel shades! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Don't Believe the Hype? Now that the dust's settled, take a closer look at what everyone's been talking about: Internet Explorer 4.0 http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971119/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 19, 1997 The Top 15 Chess Club Meeting Pick-up Lines 15> "Hey, baby, what say we go into that coat closet and search in my pants for Bobby Fischer, if you know what I mean?" 14> "The knight is still young. Your place or my parents'?" 13> "Shall our next game be at your place or at my $60M mansion?" 12> "Who did your braces?" 11> "Bet I can make you squeal in less than ten moves." 10> "I promise my Bishop will wear a little hat..." 9> "Hand to Queen's Thigh One!" 8> "Forget Deep Blue. Say hello to Deep Stu." 7> "Honey, if this were checkers, I'd jump you right now!" 6> "Nice set." 5> "Anyone ever tell you you have the ass of a Grandmaster?" 4> "I could study your French opening all day long." 3> "Hi. Gary Kasparov once stepped on my hand." 2> "I love the way you thrust your rooks deeply into my territory. I'm too weak to counter." and the Number 1 Chess Club Meeting Pick-up Line... 1> "Is that the Homer Simpson chess piece from the Franklin Mint collection in your pocket, or are you just packing a roll of quarters for the video arcade?" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 137 submissions from 50 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 1 (4th #1) Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA -- 2 (Rookie!) Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 3, 12 (Hall of Famer) Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 4, 13 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 5 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 6 David Bryant, Columbia, MD -- 7 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 8 Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 9 (Rookie!) Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 9, 10 Erich Voice, Chicago, IL -- 11 (Rookie!) Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 14 Dave George, Arlington, VA -- 14 Jesse Garon, San Francisco, CA -- 15 Matt Siske, Dayton, OH -- 15 (Rookie!) Annie Fisher, Philadelphia, PA -- 15 (Rookie!) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- Topic (Hall of Famer) Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- Runner Up list name Nathan Hansar, Australia -- Banner tag Queen, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Rooks can be deceiving.", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a hollow-point .38 slug could take out my entire liver. (Thanks to Lev L. Spiro) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Mon Nov 24 15:47:19 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4913" "Wed" "19" "November" "1997" "19:50:04" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "125" "Top5 - 11/20/97 - Signs You Should Quit Smoking" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997112002:50:04" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4913 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA24428; Wed, 19 Nov 97 19:05:52 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA01198; Wed, 19 Nov 97 19:04:29 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYJ18956; Wed, 19 Nov 1997 19:50:04 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/20/97 - Signs You Should Quit Smoking Date: Wed, 19 Nov 1997 19:50:04 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now in plus sizes. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources FREE Top Five '98 Calendar!! Now enjoy Top Five all year long with your very own Windows Sources Top 5 1998 Calendar. It's free, in the December issue of Windows Sources magazine! http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971120/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 20, 1997 The Top 16 Signs You Should Quit Smoking 16> You keep losing lit butts down the hole in your windpipe. 15> That lung in your lap after your last coughing fit. 14> Your name is between "Southeast Asia" and "Europe" on the 1997 Phillip Morris Shareholder's Report. 13> Counting "Camel Points", you're now worth than Bill Gates. 12> You spend more standing time outside of your office building than the landscaper does. 11> No ashtray option on that monogrammed iron lung you wanted to buy with your Marlboro Points, anyway. 10> You're no doctor, but "Cancer of the Cancer" doesn't sound like good news. 9> Elbow-length nicotine stains now function as gloves for your evening gown. 8> Youre a neo-left-wing NEA funded performance artist in the Mapplethorpe tradition, but you wish everyone would get off of Jesse Helms back about this tobacco thing! 7> 1977: Miss Teen Ohio. 1997: Runner-Up, Marge Schott Look-Alike Contest. 6> You've convinced yourself that tobacco counts as a serving of vegetables. 5> Motorized tie rack retrofitted with donor lungs mounted on your left arm. 4> Before entering prison, the notion of trading your virginity for a pack of Camels would never have occurred to you. 3> No takers for your new invention, the Shower Ashtray. 2> Constantly bitching about the No Smoking policy in the Neo-Natal ICU. and the Number 1 Sign You Should Quit Smoking... 1> After you sneeze, your hankie looks like a Dalmatian. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 157 submissions from 55 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 1 (14th #1 / Hall of Famer) Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 2 Paul Lara, Temple, TX -- 3 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 4, 11 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 5 William Gray, San Jose, CA -- 6 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 7 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 8 Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 9 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 10, 14 Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 12 Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 13 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 14 Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 15 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 16 (Hall of Famer) Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- Topic Matt Siske, Dayton, OH -- Banner Tag Boston, Boston, MA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Buttheads", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances A wise man once said to me: "Pick the cup with the bean underneath and you'll win a dollar! Everyone's a winner!" (Thanks to Lev L. Spiro) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Mon Nov 24 15:47:23 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4613" "Thu" "20" "November" "1997" "19:41:51" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "120" "Top5 - 11/21/97 - Slogans for the \"New Look\" Barbie" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997112102:41:51" nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4613 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03048; Thu, 20 Nov 97 19:04:37 PST Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA18820; Thu, 20 Nov 97 19:03:46 PST Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYJ04071; Thu, 20 Nov 1997 19:41:51 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: RO From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/21/97 - Slogans for the "New Look" Barbie Date: Thu, 20 Nov 1997 19:41:51 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Surgeon General's Warning: Reading this may cause death. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources NEC Knee Top NEC's new Windows CE device, the MobilePro 700, can do most of what a laptop does. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971121/www.winsources.com ================================================================ November 21, 1997 The Top 16 Rejected Slogans for the "New Look" Barbie 16> "New Look Barbie, Now With Child-Bearing Hips!" 15> "Barbie's Got Back!" 14> "Still No Unsightly Nipples!" 13> "Now With *Two* Scoops of X Chromosomes!" 12> "Great New Look -- and she's still dumb as dirt!" 11> "Brickhouse Barbie -- the perfect friend for Caboose-Luvin' Ken!" 10> "Less Pamela Lee, More Kathie Lee -- A Barbie you won't find under your brother's pillow." 9> "She might not be Cindy Crawford, but, then again, *you* won't be either." 8> "Preparing young girls for reality: The Dumped-by-Ken-for-the-More-Voluptuous-Skipper Barbie." 7> "You Want Realistic? How's 'PMS Barbie' Sound, Ya Little Cretins?" 6> "The All-New Lowered Expectations Gen-X Barbie" 5> "Plain and Dumpy, Just Like You!" 4> "The Really Great Personality Barbie" 3> "Cries real tears when you try on her bathing suits!" 2> "She's just big boned, dammit!" and the Number 1 Rejected Slogan for the "New Look" Barbie... 1> "Throw Another Chin on the Barbie!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 162 submissions from 57 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Caroline Gennity, L.A., CA -- 1, 15 (18th #1 / Hall of Famer) Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 2 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 3 John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY -- 4 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 5, 10 (Hall of Famer) Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 5 Barry T. Smith, Boulder Creek, CA -- 6 (Rookie!) Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 7 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 8, 10 (The REAL Barbie) Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 8 Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 8 Tisha Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 9 Jim Key, Garland, TX -- 10 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Annie Fisher, Philadelphia, PA -- 12 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 14 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 15 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 16 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- Topic (Hall of Famer) Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI -- Banner Tag Mariah Carey, Long Island, NY -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Barbie Twins", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances One often-overlooked easy way to make money is to travel back in time to the library and demand money for returning books before they were published. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Mon Nov 24 19:11:25 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5481" "Mon" "24" "November" "1997" "19:44:31" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "133" "Top5 - 11/25/97 - Signs You're Addicted to \"Baywatch\"" "^From:" nil nil "11" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5481 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA01799; Mon, 24 Nov 97 19:04:17 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA18593; Mon, 24 Nov 97 19:03:39 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYF22443; Mon, 24 Nov 1997 19:44:31 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/25/97 - Signs You're Addicted to "Baywatch" Date: Mon, 24 Nov 1997 19:44:31 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources 3D, to the Max! With Release 2, 3D Studio MAX comes into its own as a professional 3D modeling product. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971125/www.winsources.com +;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+; TEXAS TRIP UPDATE: Arrived in Austin, after sharing a flight with 4 of the worst-behaved children I've ever seen who weren't Italian (in Italy, the children discipline the parents). My amazing mother has continued to grow shorter, and this time it took her less than 2 minutes after I walked through her door to utter the words, "Are you hungry?" -- Chris +;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+; November 25, 1997 The Top 16 Signs You're Addicted to "Baywatch" 16> Keep telling yourself you'll quit after one more Yasmine Bleeth CPR scene. 15> You finally trade in your beloved black Trans Am -- for a red Toyota pickup. 14> Hair like Hasselhoff. Sucked in gut like Hasselhoff. But your records don't sell in Germany -- *yet*. 13> During your report at the big Board Meeting, you inadvertently say, "Gentlemen, the situation looks Bleeth." 12> First time you've been to a beach in years, and everyone looks so... um, FAT. 11> Burned-out Beach Boys aren't the only ones with a sand box in the living room, Chester! 10> Easily transfixed by anyone carrying a bowl of Jell-O. 9> You win annual Christmas decoration contest with illuminated Pamela Anderson Lee on your roof. 8> Although only 15 years old, this is your third year running AOL's Baywatch chat forum. 7> That red Speedo over your business suit is attracting a *lot* of attention from your co-workers. 6> Much to your chagrin, the mere thought of David Hasselhoff triggers a Pavlovian "woody." 5> Every morning, you powder your butt with sand instead of talc. 4> Tendency to run in slow-mo to showcase your bouncing bosom is really just pissing off the other guys on your bowling team. 3> Breast implants make look funny on a guy, but now you can watch it in "Feel-O-Round." 2> Your favorite Beatle? Yasmine! and the Number 1 Signs You're Addicted to "Baywatch"... 1> While watching the news, you catch yourself wondering what the Unabomber would look like with a Speedo and a tan. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 130 submissions from 51 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 1 (16th #1 / Hall of Famer) Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 2 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 4 (Hall of Famer) Chris Gleason, Germantown, MD -- 5 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 5, 10, 11 (Hat trick!) Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 5, 9 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 6 Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 7 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 7 Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA -- 7 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 8 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 10 (Hall of Famer) Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 13 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 14 Tom Louderback, Boston, MA -- 15 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 16 (Hall of Famer) Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Topic Robert Palmer, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Chris White, Austin, TX -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Baywatch Knights", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I'm high and dry in my stilts and pampers. (Thanks to Kurt Beyer) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Dec 16 19:06:12 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/16/97Misinterpreting "Tubthumping" Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Length: 4856 ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Official Sponsor of the Juneau Ladies' Iditarod Auxiliary ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Got a printer that doesn't work? A modem that won't stay connected? It could simply that you need a new hardware driver. Use our DriverFinder to find everything you need. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971216/www.winsources.com ================================================================ TEXAS VOCABULARY POP QUIZ: "It's Chewsdy! Ahmabe bilin' hi all weekend if ah don't get aholt of some hep." ================================================================ December 16, 1997 The Top 15 Misinterpretations of the Lyrics to "Tubthumping" 15> I see a clown, get the banana skin, I make him slip and then fall down. 14> I wear a frown, I lost my job again. Even though my nose and ears are brown. 13> I get rebounds, but never score a ten. My hair is colored like a clown. 12> My panties made her frown, so she yanked off my rug, I better learn to glue it down. 11> Five voc'lists - wow! And all we do is yell. Harmony's tough so we said "What the hell..." 10> I got no job, but I'm a hooligan. I get in fights at soccer games. 9> I get chased round, Never Never Ranch, by a handkerchief wearing clown. 8> We've got one hit. Now buy the whole CD, you stupid trendy yankee wanks. 7> I get blocked up, but Ex-Lax makes me go -- you wouldn't wanna be around. 6> The hooker frowns, as i get out a ten, but Mama never gives me more. 5> I bet that John, had a fifth of gin. Denver's in the sea for now. 4> I get knackwurst, and some sauerkraut. I'm never gonna keep this down. 3> Goodbye, English Rose... 2> I am Geoff Brown, Top5 contributor. But I never got a number one. and the Number 1 Misinterpretation of the Lyrics to "Tubthumping"... 1> I met Don Knotts, in the pub again, making out with Tony Dow. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 96 submissions from 39 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- John Voigt, Chicago, IL (13th #1 / Hall of Famer) -- 1, 5, 15 (Hat trick!) Geoff Brown, Farmington Hills, MI -- 2 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 3 Erich Voice, Chicago, IL -- 4 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 6, 13 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 7 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 8 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 9, 12 (Hall of Famer) LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Fran, CA -- 10, Topic (Hall of Famer) Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 11, Tag (Hall of Famer) Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 14 John Lampe, Ft. Worth, TX -- Texas Vocabulary Helper Jim Mavredes, somewhere in Virginia -- Texas Vocabulary Helper Bob Dylan, Nashville, TN -- Ambience Chris White, Austin, TX -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Tubthumped", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I'll never understand how a person can discriminate against somebody based on the color of their skin. Unless it's like, green or something -- with pus oozing out of it. (Thanks to Jim Rosenberg) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Thu Dec 18 15:54:18 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4404" "Tue" "25" "November" "1997" "19:48:31" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "113" "Top5 - 11/26/97 - Thanksgiving Food Traditions" "^From:" nil nil "11" "1997112602:48:31" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4404 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA08682; Tue, 25 Nov 97 19:06:09 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA07400; Tue, 25 Nov 97 19:04:58 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYC16679; Tue, 25 Nov 1997 19:48:31 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 11/26/97 - Thanksgiving Food Traditions Date: Tue, 25 Nov 1997 19:48:31 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Exchange Server 5.5 Now! At COMDEX, Microsoft announced this new release. Before you upgrade, read our in-depth review. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971126/www.winsources.com +;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+; TEXAS FUN FACT #1: In Texas, there are *still* people who like the Dallas Cowboys. +;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+;+; November 26, 1997 The Top 11 Least Known Thanksgiving Traditions (Food Category) 11> Bobbing for Giblets 10> The After-Dinner Inter-Racial Porno Film to Celebrate Ethnic Diversity 9> Not Going To Dinner With The Others And Staying In A Chat Room Until 3am 8> During the Post-Turkey Nap, a Quick Game of Roller Hockey with Grampa's Teeth 7> The Reenactment of Myles Standish's Nekkid Gravy Wrestling with Squanto 6> The Reduction of the Turkey's Conviction to Manslaughter and Subsequent Release Back Into the Wild 5> If a Thrown Yam Lands in a Cousin's Cleavage, She's Next to Get Hitched! (Arkansas only) 4> The Unbuttoning of the Top Pants Button 3> The Annual Anna Nicole Smith Mashed Potato Sculpting Contest 2> The Post-Dinner Family Finger Pull and Methane Olympics and the Number 1 Least Known Thanksgiving Tradition... 1> Draping leftover turkey skin all over your body and wandering around the neighborhood, shouting, "I AM TURK-OR, GOD OF ALL FOWL!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 145 submissions from 54 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA -- 1 (1st #1!) Mitch Patterson, Atlanta, GA -- 2 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 2 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 3, 8, Topic Chris Gleason, Germantown, MD -- 4 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 5 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 6 Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 7 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 7 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 9 Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA -- 10 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 11 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 11 Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 11 Nick Cavalancia -- Banner tag Mark Lindsay, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Turkeys", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Give a man a fish, he has a meal. *Teach* a man to fish, and you both get out of work around the house for at least a weekend, maybe two. (Thanks to Jim Rosenberg) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Thu Dec 18 15:54:23 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5340" "Mon" "1" "December" "1997" "19:44:33" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "135" "Top5 - 12/2/97 - Signs You're About to have Septuplets" "^From:" nil nil "12" "1997120202:44:33" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5340 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA13243; Mon, 1 Dec 97 19:21:21 PST Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA08327; Mon, 1 Dec 97 19:19:19 PST Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYA26335; Mon, 01 Dec 1997 19:44:33 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/2/97 - Signs You're About to have Septuplets Date: Mon, 01 Dec 1997 19:44:33 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T No Girl Scouts Were Harmed in the Making of this List. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources NT 5: The Long and Winding Road David Chernicoff relays his attempt to keep his hardware on the cutting edge of technology, and his bid to have an "NT 5-ready" machine. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971202/www.winsources.com ================================================================ CHRIS'S TRUE TEXAS TRADITIONS #1 Deep-Frying the Thanksgiving Turkey ================================================================ December 2, 1997 The Top 16 Signs You're About to have Septuplets 16> When listening for fetal heartbeat, doctor hears faint sounds of a game of water polo. 15> Your womb has more kicks than the Rockettes and those Riverdance bozos combined. 14> On the way to the hospital, your water breaks and your convertible becomes a mobile hot tub. 13> The turf war between local Pampers and Luvs sales reps is escalating. 12> You feel extremely nauseous and distressed -- and you're not watching a Pauly Shore movie. 11> Your water breaks to the sound of hammering and animals shuffling by in pairs. 10> Well, it's either setuplets or that 30 lb. ovarian cyst acting up again. 9> Fire Marshall hassles you about being in violation of maximum occupancy laws. 8> There are many people inside you and you're not Madonna. 7> Other pregnant women: as big as a house. You: as big as Bill Gates's house. 6> More nude children in your ultrasound picture than in Michael Jackson's playroom. 5> You're dilated to the size of the Lincoln Tunnel and your doctor has started yodeling. 4> Court order from Disney warning you to avoid copyright infringements when naming the children. 3> Your sonogram had an intermission. 2> Need to wear an extra watch because your body spans two time zones. and the Number 1 Sign You're About to have Septuplets... 1> Forget about gentle kicks -- your abdomen feels like the mosh pit at a Green Day concert. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 154 submissions from 58 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 1 (5th #1) Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 2 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 3 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 4, 9 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 5, 11 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 6 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 8 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 9 (Hall of Famer) Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY -- 9 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 9 Barry T. Smith, Boulder Creek, CA -- 10 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Tom Louderback, Boston, MA -- 13 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 14 (Hall of Famer) Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 15 (Hall of Famer) Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 15 LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Francisco, CA -- 16 (Hall of Famer) Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- Topic Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- Banner Tag (Hall of Famer) The Who, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Stillborn", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances You know what i don't get? Those zen koans. (Thanks to R.M. Weiner) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Thu Dec 18 15:54:28 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4421" "Mon" "1" "December" "1997" "19:51:00" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "113" "Top5 - 12/1/97 - Thanksgiving Non-Food Traditions" "^From:" nil nil "12" "1997120202:51:00" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4421 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA13210; Mon, 1 Dec 97 19:12:05 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA08217; Mon, 1 Dec 97 19:10:55 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAYA08313; Mon, 01 Dec 1997 19:51:00 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/1/97 - Thanksgiving Non-Food Traditions Date: Mon, 01 Dec 1997 19:51:00 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T We've all learned something important today. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources FREE Top Five '98 Calendar! Amaze your friends! Impress your boss! Yours free, with the December issue of Windows Sources magazine when purchased on the news stand. Pick one up today! http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971201/www.winsources.com ================================================================ CHRIS'S FUN TEXAS WORDS #1: * tump * A verb, meaning to knock something over. Example: "Watch out, Billy Ray! You're fixin' to tump over that chili." ================================================================ December 1, 1997 The Top 10 Least Known Thanksgiving Traditions (Non-Food Category) 10> The Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Tae Kwon Do Blood Match 9> Ye Olde Wyffe-Swappinge 8> The "Accidental" Walking in on the Niece in the Bathroom 7> The Entering Into a Fraudulent Land Deal to Rip-Off the Local Native Americans 6> Aunt Jean's Annual Scotch Rant 5> The Taking of the "Alternative" Family Photograph for Those Whose Lifestyle the Rest of the Clan Doesn't Approve 4> Watching the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame's Annual Trouncing of the Peaceful Buggymen from Amish U. 3> Kissing Under the Gristletoe! 2> Giving Thanks for Uncle Earl's Stroke, Which Prevents Him from Doing his Joe Piscopo Impression, and Yet Ironically Facilitates It and the Number 1 Least Known Thanksgiving Tradition... 1> Watching to See if Puxaturkey Phil Sees his Shadow, Signifying Six More Weeks of "It's a Wonderful Life" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 145 submissions from 54 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 1 (10th #1 / Hall of Famer) Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 1 (1st #1!) Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 2 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 3, 6 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 4, 7 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 4 Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA -- 5 John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY -- 7 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 8 Hall of Famer Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Hall of Famer Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 10 Alexander Clemens, S.F., CA -- Banner Tag David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- Topic Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Corduroy 9, Laurel, MD -- Ambience } Find Corduroy 9 on the Internet at: Corduroy9@Geocities.com { } http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Studio/4795/ { ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Leftovers", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If angels existed, they'd probably be considered big game. (Thanks to Don Swain) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Thu Dec 18 15:58:43 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil t nil nil nil nil] ["5211" "Wed" "3" "December" "1997" "19:48:44" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "131" "Top5 - 12/4/97 - MENSA Pick-Up Lines" "^From:" nil nil "12" "1997120402:48:44" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5211 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA27803; Wed, 3 Dec 97 19:05:56 PST Received: from sender1.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA18347; Wed, 3 Dec 97 19:04:08 PST Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAXZ19852; Wed, 03 Dec 1997 19:48:44 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/4/97 - MENSA Pick-Up Lines Date: Wed, 03 Dec 1997 19:48:44 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T It's in the jeans. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources IIS Bug Solved! Microsoft's IIS 3 has got a quirky mime-type bug, but we've got a workaround. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971204/www.winsources.com ================================================================ CHRIS'S TEXAS TRIVIA: Texas is known as "The Lone Star State." I say it should be called "The Home Repair State," because everyone's always fixin' to do something. ================================================================ December 4, 1997 The Top 16 MENSA Pick-Up Lines 16> "This is your brain. This is your brain on my naked thigh. Any questions?" 15> "Could you help me get this tie tack out of my hand?" 14> "Towards what end does a substantially empathetic demoiselle such as yourself inhabit a locus such as this?" 13> "What say we skip this nerd-fest and hit an all-night symposium on Euclidean Geometry?" 12> "Perchance, would you be inclined to participate, at my domicile, sans apparel, in a modicum of copulation?" 11> "It doesn't take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I'd be overqualified." 10> "You'll have to excuse me -- Your presence excites me beyond all capacity for cognitive discourse." 9> "Vini, Vici, Va-va-voom!" 8> "You must be tired, because you've been running quadratic equations through my mind all night." 7> "That tape on your glasses really sets off your eyes." 6> "According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum Mechanics, we may already be making love right now." 5> "If I were to mention to you that you have a bellus corpus, would you take umbrage?" 4> "I bet your brain stem reaches almost down to your gluteus maximus." 3> "Ooohh, your IQ is 145? I like 'em dumb and strong!" 2> "By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants, calculating your body mass based on your height and weight, and dividing that number by your waist size -- I conclude that you have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are, in fact, glad to see me." and the Number 1 MENSA Pick-Up Line... 1> "Baby, I'll have you barking like a *canis familiaris*." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 176 submissions from 65 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 1, 3, 12 (3rd #1 / Hat trick!) Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 2 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 4 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 5 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 6 William Gray, San Jose, CA -- 6 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 7 (Hall of Famer) Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 8 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 8 Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 9 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 10 (Hall of Famer) Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 11 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 12, Banner Tag Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 13 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 14, 16 (Hall of Famer) Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 15, Topic (Hall of Famer) Radiohead, Oxford, UK -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "IQ, You Q, We all Q for IQ", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I'd like to teach the World to sing, In perfect harmony. Especially Bob Dylan. (Thanks to Jim Rosenberg) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Thu Dec 18 15:58:49 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5489" "Thu" "4" "December" "1997" "19:46:11" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "138" "Top5 - 12/5/97 - Disney Sweatshop Excuses" "^From:" nil nil "12" "1997120502:46:11" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5489 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA06038; Thu, 4 Dec 97 19:11:48 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09689; Thu, 4 Dec 97 19:08:32 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAXY04624; Thu, 04 Dec 1997 19:46:11 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/5/97 - Disney Sweatshop Excuses Date: Thu, 04 Dec 1997 19:46:11 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Laugh all you want -- we'll make more! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Defrag Your NT Disks Contrary to popular belief, NT disks do fragment . . . but PerfectDisk takes care of it in a snap. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971205/www.winsources.com ================================================================ CHRIS'S FUN TEXAS WORDS #2: * sop * A verb meaning to soak up liquid food remains using baked bread of some kind. "Edna, gimme a biscuit so I can sop up this gravy." ================================================================ December 5, 1997 The Top 16 Disney Excuses for Using Haitian Sweatshops 16> "Asian sweatshops all booked solid with Nike orders, and Kathie Lee beat us to the Hondurans." 15> "How else could we keep the price of a Disneyworld hot dog at a low $6.25?" 14> "It's super-taxfree-imperialistic-export-price-bodacious." 13> "They're a helluva lot cheaper than those lazy Taiwanese!" 12> "You mean Papa Doc and Baby Doc weren't cartoon characters?" 11> "Hey! When we had a bunch of dwarves working all day in a mine, you thought it was *cute*!" 10> "How the #$@$@%& else can we put a $3 toy in a $2.50 Happy Meal?" 9> "It's a Capitalist world, after all... and we're an uncaring, cheapass company." 8> "Crappiest Place On Earth" sign over factory entrance never fails to make that scamp Eisner giggle on visits. 7> "We're just trying to earn our 'Pirates of the Caribbean' title." 6> "It's all we could afford after we paid those Korean animators 17 cents an hour to make 'The Lion King.'" 5> "It gives those losers at Top 5 something to whine about." 4> "We prefer to think of them as 'enchanted sewing cottages.'" 3> "Mr. Eisner gets a kick out of the fact that the entire factory makes less per day than he makes each time he blinks his eyes." 2> "Hatians learn much more quickly than our second choice, Canadians." and the Number 1 Disney Excuse for Using Haitian Sweatshops... 1> "Zip-a-dee-do-dah, Zip-a-dee-ay! 16-hours-for-a-dollar-a-day!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 162 submissions from 61 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Name withheld to preserve job -- 1, 11 (4th #1) Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 2 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 3 Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 4, 7 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 5, 16 Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 6 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 7, 16 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 8 (Hall of Famer) Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 9, 16 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 9 Barry T. Smith, Boulder Creek, CA -- 9 Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI -- 10 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 11 Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA -- 11 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 13 Annie Fisher, Philadelphia, PA -- 13 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 14 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 15 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 16 (Hall of Famer) John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 16 (Hall of Famer) Ward Bahner, Kansas City, MO -- 16 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 16 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 16 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 16 Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Steely Dan, New York, NY -- Ambience ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Sweatsocks", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Hey, subscribers! Anybody seen my keys? Yeah, you. I'm asking YOU. Have you seen my keys anywhere? Damn. (Thanks to Jonathan Colan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Thu Dec 18 15:59:07 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5191" "Sun" "7" "December" "1997" "20:02:33" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "134" "Top5 - 12/8/97 - Reasons to Choke Your Coach" "^From:" nil nil "12" "1997120803:02:33" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5191 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA29035; Sun, 7 Dec 97 19:03:56 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA21605; Sun, 7 Dec 97 19:02:51 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAXW11964; Sun, 07 Dec 1997 20:02:33 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/8/97 - Reasons to Choke Your Coach Date: Sun, 07 Dec 1997 20:02:33 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Not Recommended For Outdoor Use ================================================================ This email sponsored in part by ZDNet Inter@ctive Investor - a FREE service that offers financial info, quotes and news on technology companies. Go to: http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/mkt5006971208/www.zdii.com ================================================================ CHRIS'S TRUE TEXAS TRADITIONS #2 Beef for Breakfast The menu: Breakfast tacos Breakfast steaks Breakfast chili ================================================================ December 8, 1997 The Top 16 Reasons to Choke Your Basketball Coach 16> Understandable confusion between high post maneuver and Heimlich maneuver. 15> Consistently refuses to recognize the comedic genius of Urkel. 14> His ardent rejection of your Popperian-like advocacy of refutability as a criterion for hypothesis acceptability in favor of a Kripkean indeterminacy. 13> He won't stop laughing at your gigantic baggy shorts. 12> Discovered you're the only one who gets regular post-loss spankings in his office. 11> Mysterious voice in your head said, "Just Do It!" 10> Just wanted him to see how it feels to be a Sonic or a Knick. 9> Coach's new team rule: miss a shot, remove an item of clothing. 8> You've weighed your options carefully -- chillin' out vs. losing a gazillion dollars and your career. What's a guy to do? 7> Just gettin' in some practice for your next job as an au pair. 6> Vicious rumor credits Coach with the making of the new "Alien" sequel. 5> "Call me *Meadowlark* just ONE MORE TIME...!!!" 4> Asks if the hairdresser you and Rodman use prefers to be called "Mr. Ray" or "Mr. Charles." 3> Thought he was a kid asking for an autograph. 2> He keeps referring to you as "Xena: Golden State Princess Warrior." and the Number 1 Reason to Choke Your Basketball Coach... 1> "The Strangler!? What the hell kinda candy-ass nickname is that?" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 133 submissions from 47 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 1 (3rd #1) Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 2 (Hall of Famer) Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 3 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 4 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 5 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 6 William Gray, San Jose, CA -- 7 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 7 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 8 Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA -- 9 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 10, 13 (Hall of Famer) Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 10 Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 11 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 14 R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA -- 15 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 16 (Hall of Famer) Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Topic Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Banner Tag Cheech & Chong, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Rodmanesque", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances There's no excuse for laziness, except for maybe if you've been in a real bad train accident, and had a large part of your brain removed. (Thanks to Lev L. Spiro) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Thu Dec 18 15:59:13 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5223" "Mon" "8" "December" "1997" "20:03:03" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "132" "Top5 - 12/9/97 - Revelations of Former Mouseketeers" "^From:" nil nil "12" "1997120903:03:03" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5223 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA08355; Mon, 8 Dec 97 19:05:05 PST Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA10396; Mon, 8 Dec 97 19:03:53 PST Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAXW23968; Mon, 08 Dec 1997 20:03:03 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/9/97 - Revelations of Former Mouseketeers Date: Mon, 08 Dec 1997 20:03:03 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T All models over 18 years of age. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Big, Bigger, Biggest This new 18GB hard drive, IBM's Ultrastar 18XP, is just waaay big! http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971209/www.winsources.com ================================================================ CHRIS'S FUN TEXAS WORDS #3: * bub * "Bub" has two meanings -- it is both a name, and a glass globe containing a filament which can be used to provide electric light. "Hey, Bub -- hand me that light bub, willya?" ================================================================ December 9, 1997 The Top 16 Other Revelations of Former Mouseketeers 16> Two hits of mescaline from the guy in the mouse suit would get you much happier than a line from the guy in the duck suit. 15> The never-explained disappearance of black Mousketeer "Arnold." 14> Lassie was a boy before those little Mouseketeers bastards showed up. 13> 50-something Mouseketeers forced to give Mike Ovitz a tonguebath as part of his severance package. 12> Doreen now trades lap dances at the senior center for bingo money. 11> Siamese Mouseketeers Cheng and Eng, linked at the ears, were dumped before the first show. 10> Point the mouse ears just right and you can pick up Radio Free Cuba. 9> Roy was actually Al Roker in "whiteface." 8> Cubby ostracized by other members after admission of ear fetish. 7> Cubby "seeded" the female cast members regularly in Walt's crazed attempt to bioengineer a race of untainted mouseketeers. 6> Proof of Chuck's disturbing devotion to the mouse: whisker implants. 5> The leads in Toy Story were named "Buzz" and "Woody" in honor of a Walt, if you know what I mean. 4> Mouseketeers routinely required to attend "Ears Only" dress rehearsals for Uncle Walt and his buddies. 3> Mickey Mouse: high voice, affinity for young children, white/black skin -- sound familiar? 2> Annette got help filling out that sweater from Chip 'n' Dale. and the Number 1 Other Revelation of Former Mouseketeers... 1> Anyone remember Mouseketeer "Little Teddy" Kaczynski? [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 100 submissions from 37 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 1 (1st #1!) Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 2 Jay Allen, Long Beach, CA -- 3 John Gennity, Woodhaven, NY -- 4 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 5 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 6 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 7, 16 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 8 (Hall of Famer) Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 9 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 10 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 11 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 12 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 13 Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 14 Barry T. Smith, Boulder Creek, CA -- 15 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- Banner Tag The Boomtown Rats, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "The Haitian Junta", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Sometimes, I'll be driving alone late at night And, I'll see a terrible wreck on the highway My thoughts will turn to my family, and I'll think "Man, I wish my wife would stop nagging me." Thanks to Jim Rosenberg -- check out his website: http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/7901/jokes.htm ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Thu Dec 18 15:59:16 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5415" "Tue" "9" "December" "1997" "20:05:40" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "136" "Top5 - 12/10/97 - Little-Known Effects of El Nino" "^From:" nil nil "12" "1997121003:05:40" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5415 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA17538; Tue, 9 Dec 97 19:07:52 PST Received: from sender1.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA28598; Tue, 9 Dec 97 19:06:42 PST Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAXV08280; Tue, 09 Dec 1997 20:05:40 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/10/97 - Little-Known Effects of El Nino Date: Tue, 09 Dec 1997 20:05:40 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Best enjoyed with a steaming bowl of clam chowder. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources The World is Flat! NEC's 20.1-inch MultiSync LCD2000 flat-panel display kicks some serious behind, but costs an arm and a leg. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971210/www.winsources.com ================================================================ CHRIS'S FUN TEXAS WORDS #4: * payun * A noun meaning a) an ink-based writing instrument, or b) a vessel used for cooking. "Dammit, Eunice, my payun is out of ink!" "Sir, ALL our entrees are either deep-fried or payun-fried." ================================================================ December 10, 1997 The Top 15 Little-Known Effects of El Nino 15> Weather Channel temporarily passes Knitting Channel in ratings. 14> During concert, Hanson breaks out into a raucous version of "mmmGuantanamera." 13> Tori Spelling, confused by lack of sunshine, goes into hibernation. 12> Unusually high tides in silicon implants responsible for delaying production of Barb Wire 2. 11> Jacko gets a "Woodrow", if you know what I mean. (Oops! Wrong kind of El Nino.) 10> Instead of flying south, Canadian geese just cross the border to shop. 9> Home Shopping Network's ratings plummet as trailer park residents nationwide seek higher ground. 8> Increased moisture in air means William Shatner needs less SuperGlue to hold his hair down. 7> In a first for a weather pattern, El Nino signs with Nike for a cool 36 million. 6> Groundhog comes out of his hole on Feb. 2 and -- ZAP -- the only thing left of his hairy little butt is the smell of burnt fur and ozone. 5> Matt Lauer responds to everything Katie Couric says with a booming "Claro Que Si!" 4> Minor changes in Earth's magnetic field allow Jennifer Aniston to complete a thought. 3> Rash of "muskrat" sightings in Vegas turns out to be thousands of toupees floating in from Hollywood. 2> Confused British nannies begin swinging babies counter-clockwise instead of clockwise. and the Number 1 Little-Known Effect of El Nino... 1> "Ten inches and rising" now refers to flood waters. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 132 submissions from 48 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 1 (3rd #1) Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 2 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 3 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 4, 12 (Hall of Famer) Annie Fisher, Philadelphia, PA -- 5, 14 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 6, 7 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 7 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 8 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 9 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 10 (Hall of Famer) Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 11 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 15 LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Fran., CA -- Topic (Hall of Famer) Tisha Stacey, Lisle, IL -- Topic Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- Banner Tag (Hall of Famer) David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- Sent his 300th entry! Dan Greenberg, ex-Houston, TX -- Texanese Translation Babyface, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Chris White, Austin, -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Terrible Twos", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances When ransacking a town, always remember: Pillage first and *then* burn, not the other way around. (Thanks to David Henry) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Thu Dec 18 15:59:19 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4671" "Wed" "10" "December" "1997" "20:03:19" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "124" "Top5 - 12/11/97 - Your Pregnant Wife (Part I)" "^From:" nil nil "12" "1997121103:03:19" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 4671 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA25113; Wed, 10 Dec 97 19:04:35 PST Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA17053; Wed, 10 Dec 97 19:04:05 PST Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAXR17466; Wed, 10 Dec 1997 20:03:19 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: RO From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/11/97 - Your Pregnant Wife (Part I) Date: Wed, 10 Dec 1997 20:03:19 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Baby on board ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources New Version of BackOffice Announced Microsoft has announced its follow-up to BackOffice 2.5 -- BackOffice 4! http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971211/www.winsources.com ================================================================ CHRIS'S FUN TEXAS WORDS #5: * guff * A noun meaning a large body of water. "RaeAnne, there's a hurricane in the Guff of Mexico!" ================================================================ December 11, 1997 The Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife (Part I) 16> "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15> "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!" 14> "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 13> "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl." 12> "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11> "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10> "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9> "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8> "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7> "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!" 6> "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5> "Got milk?" 4> "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3> "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2> "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife... 1> "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 143 submissions from 52 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA -- 1 (4th #1) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 2 (Hall of Famer) David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 3 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 4 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 5, 7 Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 6 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 8 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 9 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 10 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 11 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 13 Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY -- 14 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 15, Topic William Gray, San Jose, CA -- 16 Robert Sullivan, Salem, OR -- Banner tag Dinosaur, Jr., San Francisco, CA -- Ambience Chris White, Houston, TX -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Midwives", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I know it sounds kind of selfish, but sometimes I wish I had a swimming pool full of human pancreases. (Thanks to LeMel Hebert-Williams) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From VM Thu Dec 18 15:59:25 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5407" "Thu" "11" "December" "1997" "20:03:40" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "137" "Top5 - 12/12/97 - Your Pregnant Wife (Part II)" "^From:" nil nil "12" "1997121203:03:40" nil nil nil nil] nil) Content-Length: 5407 Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA03632; Thu, 11 Dec 97 19:05:36 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA05172; Thu, 11 Dec 97 19:04:21 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAXQ28931; Thu, 11 Dec 1997 20:03:40 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Status: O From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/12/97 - Your Pregnant Wife (Part II) Date: Thu, 11 Dec 1997 20:03:40 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Unique bubbling action removes stains AND odors! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources This email sponsored in part by ZDNet Inter@ctive Investor - a FREE service that offers financial info, quotes and news on technology companies. Go to: http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/mkt5006971208/www.zdii.com http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971212/www.winsources.com ================================================================ CHRIS'S ACTUAL TEXAS TRAFFIC REPORT: "A truck carrying crude awl from the Guff of Mexico tumped over on the freeway early this morning. Workers are out there now, soppin' it up with biscuits. Back to you, Bub..." ================================================================ December 12, 1997 The Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife (Part II) 16> "Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it." 15> "Keys are on the fridge, honey. I'll see you at the hospital at half-time." 14> "Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two - but he didn't mean two orcas." 13> "Honey -- Come show the guys your Brando impression!" 12> "Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!" 11> "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?" 10> "Sweetheart, where'd you put that Victoria's Secret catalog?" 9> "What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out." 8> "Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?" 7> "Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?" 6> "That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!" 5> "You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive." 4> "Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support." 3> "Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!" 2> "No, I don't know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?" and the Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife... 1> "I know today's your due date, but Larry just got a 10 point buck and that's a reason to celebrate, too." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 143 submissions from 52 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 1 (1st #1!) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 2 (Hall of Famer) John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 4 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 5 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 7 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 8, 11 (Hall of Famer) Barry T. Smith, Boulder Creek, CA -- 9 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 10 Alan Wagner, Bayside, WI -- 10 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 12 Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 13 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 13 Annie Fisher, Philadelphia, PA -- 14 Geoff Brown, Farmington Hills, MI -- 15 William Gray, San Jose, CA -- 15 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 16 (Hall of Famer) Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- Topic Robert Sullivan, Salem, OR -- Banner tag Ted Nugent, Detroit, MI -- Ambience Chris White, Houston, TX -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Runts", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances When I got to a Lynard Skynard concert back, I'm not one of those idiots yelling, "Free Bird!!" after every song, 'cause I knew they'll eventually get around to playing it, probably near the end. (Thanks to Jeff Downey and Boyd Brooktree) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Dec 18 19:05:25 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5234" "Thu" "18" "December" "1997" "20:03:25" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "148" "Top5 - 12/18/97 - Overheard in the Beverly Hills Jail" "^From:" nil nil "12" nil nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA26112; Thu, 18 Dec 97 19:05:23 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA06922; Thu, 18 Dec 97 19:03:26 PST Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAXP26340; Thu, 18 Dec 1997 20:03:25 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/18/97 - Overheard in the Beverly Hills Jail Date: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 20:03:25 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Nastier than the Good Times virus! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Just in time for the holidays: * There's a video revolution going on, check out the latest video cards! * CE 2.0 devices are here, including NEC's kneetop! http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971218/www.winsources.com ================================================================ NOTE FROM CHRIS: As my Texas vacation draws to a close, I'd like to thank the people of the Lone Star State for being such good sports (except Rhonda from Houston, that is). Texas is a spectacular state, and its people are warm, generous, and intelligent -- and certainly not the country bumpkins I've painted them out to be. Now, Oklahoma, on the other hand... ;-) ================================================================ December 18, 1997 With actors Robert Downey, Jr. and Christian Slater both facing some jail time, we thought we'd bring you... The Top 15 Things Overheard in the Beverly Hills City Jail 15> "Ah yes, Mr. Downey, sir. And how many nights will you be staying with us? Will a room on the west wing suit you?" 14> "Well, lookee here, boys -- if it ain't Beavis and Butt-head!" 13> "I don't care how many packs of cigarettes you have, Bruno, my first love will always be the theatre." 12> "The warden's wife was wondering if you gentlemen could join her for tea and petit-fours at two-ish?" 11> "Body double! And hurry, dammit!!!" 10> "Jeeves, could you please pick up that soap?" 9> "Okay, this time I'll be William Hurt and you be Raul Julia." 8> "Either you start talking or the poodle gets it." 7> "Helloooooo, Nancy boys!" 6> "Yo, ActorBoy -- do Nicholson again!" 5> "Lemme show ya *my* Oscar -- and it ain't gold plated!" 4> "Sorry, I'm just not really *believing* that you want me to be your bitch... can we try the dialogue again?" 3> "Nobody knows the trouble I've--hey! This chardonnay is supposed to be chilled!" 2> "Guard! Downey's passed out in the wrong cell again!" and the Number 1 Thing Overheard in the Beverly Hills City Jail... 1> "Okay, here's the plan: You bite him and I'll grab the heroin." [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 100 submissions from 36 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 1 (9th #1 / Hall of Famer) Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 2 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 3, 13 (Hall of Famer) Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 4 (Hall of Famer) Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 5 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 6, 12 LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Fran, CA -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 7 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 8 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 9 Barry T. Smith, Boulder Creek, CA -- 10, 15 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 11 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 14, Topic R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA -- Topic Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- Banner Tag Thin Lizzy, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, Austin, TX -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Axel F-", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Sex is 1% inspiration and 99% fornication. (Thanks to Jim Rosenberg -- Visit Jim's website!) http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Lofts/7901/jokes.htm ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Dec 18 19:09:41 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5324" "Thu" "18" "December" "1997" "20:04:32" "MST" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "130" "Top5 - 12/19/97 - Man or Woman of the Year" "^From:" nil nil "12" nil nil nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA26119; Thu, 18 Dec 97 19:09:39 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA06957; Thu, 18 Dec 97 19:07:48 PST Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAAAXP28504; Thu, 18 Dec 1997 20:04:32 MST Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/19/97 - Man or Woman of the Year Date: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 20:04:32 MST ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T The San Francisco Treat ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Hot Home PC's Don't let the blitz of computer ads throw you off -- our look at home systems will help you weed out fact from fiction. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971219/www.winsources.com ================================================================ Happy 22nd Birthday to Shannon Clark of Wichita, Kansas! ================================================================ December 19, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You Won't Be Time Magazine's Man or Woman of the Year 15> You were awfully rude to "Judy at Time/Life" when she tried to renew your subscription. 14> Stringy hair and bad makeup can be overlooked, but the fact that the President won't apologize ruins your chances. 13> George Clooney? The Sexiest Man Alive. You? Alive. 12> Due to your well-publicized sexual habits, you've already been picked as the American Dental Association's Man of the Year. 11> Even the Guinness people don't care about you setting the record for stuffing Vienna Sausages in your mouth. 10> Because, in a moment of weakness, you sold your Nobel Prize for some crack. 9> You can no longer count on the recommendation of Coach Carlesimo. 8> Wouldn't be able to smile for the cover shot without showing that piece of ear stuck in your teeth. 7> Time's Woman of the Year: Cures cancer after years of study and research. You: Barely pass driving test on 8th try. 6> The line in Vegas has you at eighty quadrillion to one. 5> No matter how nice it looks, restocking the shelves at the Piggly Wiggly according to color and can size always gets overlooked by selection committee. 4> Out of 5,000 east coast Amway sales reps, you ranked dead last. 3> Only half of the population viewed your assassination attempt of Tony Robbins as a great humanitarian effort. 2> Most newsworthy accomplishment involves video of you steering a boat with your "John Henry." and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Be Time Magazine's Man or Woman of the Year... 1> Hey, Chester, lotsa guys have bowled 300 -- even some with *no* criminal record. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 137 submissions from 49 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 1 (15th #1 / Hall of Famer) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 2 (Hall of Famer) Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Duncan Carling, San Francisco, CA -- 4 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 5 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 6 Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 7 Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 8 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 9 Barry T. Smith, Boulder Creek, CA -- 10 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 12 LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Fran, CA -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 14 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 15 (Hall of Famer) Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- Topic Pam Howell, somewhere in Florida -- Banner tag Pink Floyd, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Man of the Week", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I believe the children are our future. Because if the average "child" is, say, 5-years old, And the average "adult" is, say 45-years old, Then the "child" will be alive in the future when the "adult" is dead, so, I'm pretty sure I'm right. (Thanks to Jim Rosenberg) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Sun Dec 21 19:03:51 1997 To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 12/22/97 - Sitting at the Kiddie Table Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Length: 5119 ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Do not open 'til Xmas! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources The Windows Sources Software Warehouse has exclusive online reviews of the best 32-bit shareware. Also, download the latest benchmarks. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971222/www.winsources.com ================================================================ December 22, 1997 The Top 16 Signs You'll be Sitting at the Kiddie Table for Christmas Dinner 16> You misunderstood when Aunt Nancy asked you to put the *condiments* on the table. 15> Your "napkin" has snaps and a picture of Elmo. 14> Your 13-year old nephew: Just graduated from med school. You: Just graduated from your 10th year in eighth grade. 13> Your worsening lactose-intolerance will be a source of amusement there. 12> You keep stuffing two carrots up your nose and screaming, "Tusks! I AM the Walrus, koo koo kachoo!" 11> Grandpa can cry "ageism" all he wants -- but no one gets around the family Diaper Rule. 10> When you ask for wine, the hostess winks and fills your glass with chocolate milk. 9> Last year's little "cranberry sauce carved into the shape of genitalia" stunt still not forgiven. 8> Room needed at adult table for the paramedics who extracted the cranberries from your nose last year. 7> Being a mother at age 13 *still* doesn't qualify you, dammit! 6> Your attempt to carve Thanksgiving's turkey with a chainsaw led to a role in a movie directed by Wes Craven. 5> You're Jerry Seinfeld, and you don't want your date to be over there all by herself. 4> Mia doesn't like playing footsie as much as Soon-Yi. 3> Five minutes till dinner, and you're the only one who still has Play-Doh on your plate. 2> *Every* table is a kiddie table at the Neverland! and the Number 1 Sign You'll be Sitting at the Kiddie Table for Christmas Dinner... 1> You've already labeled your left nostril "Milk" and your right one "Soda". [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 124 submissions from 49 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 1 (15th #1 / Hall of Famer) Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 2 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 2 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 2 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 2 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 3, 15 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 4 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 6 Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 7 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 8 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 9 Annie Fisher, Philadelphia, PA -- 10 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 12 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 14 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 16 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- Topic Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Banner Tag Genesis, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "No Dessert", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If Albert Einstein were alive today, he'd probably say, "Gimme a cream soday, willya? I'm parched!" (Thanks to Lev L. Spiro) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Sep 16 19:04:39 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5501" "Tue" "16" "September" "1997" "20:02:38" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "136" "Top5 - 9/17/97 - Indications It's A Slow News Day" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil nil] nil) Status: RO Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA16804; Tue, 16 Sep 97 19:04:36 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA28913; Tue, 16 Sep 97 19:03:45 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABBH23660; Tue, 16 Sep 1997 20:02:38 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/17/97 - Indications It's A Slow News Day Date: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 20:02:38 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Objects in list may appear funnier than those in mirror ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Driver Extravanganza More than 300 multimedia drivers have been added to the Windows Sources DriverFinder. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970917/www.winsources.com ================================================================ September 17, 1997 Vacation Report From Italy (Last in a series) I'm entering the home stretch of my Italian vacation. For the next couple of days, we'll be running "Top 5 Classics", then we're back live again on Monday. My single favorite moment of the entire vacation: Before the Awards Ceremony on the closing night of the Venice Film Festival, I saw an extremely arrogant, snotty-looking young Italian film studio executive-type, with the requisite beautiful model on his arm, walk right through a large pile of something left behind by the horse of a mounted policeman, ruining his $500 shoes and leaving him smelling like *Hollywood* film studio executives for the remainder of the evening. -- Arrivederci! Chris The Top 15 Indications It's A Slow News Day 15> Big story on child labor focuses on the sweatshop environment of the lemonade stand. 14> Weather reporter shows footage of clouds shaped remarkably like bunnies. 13> Katie Couric takes a long lunch and seven bodies turn up in the dumpsters behind Rockefeller Center. Coincidence? I think not. 12> Peter Jennings manages to make a balloon poodle on-air after only six tries. 11> "This just in - Goobers and Raisinets are actually BOTH chocolate-covered treats AND mighty good to eat." 10> Barbara Walters and Mike Wallace exchange false teeth and read the news in their best Beavis and Butt-head voices. 9> "Let's see what our extended 100-day forecast looks like..." 8> Tom Brokaw opens with: "Let me tell you about my grandchildren!" 7> Tonight's feature story: "Nothing Brings a Family Together Like a Turtle." 6> I-team bursts into Dunkin' Donuts to expose police "Cruller Corruption." 5> Ted Koppel investigates Sam Donaldson's bad haircut. 4> Daily on-air blood quota met by staging an Ultimate Fighting contest between the weather guy and the traffic reporter. 3> Only thing on the front page is a giant Family Circus. 2> You're Dan Rather, and you're wearing a halter top. and the Number 1 Indication It's A Slow News Day... 1> For the last hour and a half on CNN, it's been nothing but Bernie Shaw, his comb, and some tissue paper. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 90 submissions from 35 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 1, 8 (3rd #1) Laura A. Hyatt, Albuquerque, NM -- 2 (Rookie!) Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 2 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 3 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 4 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 5, 10 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 6 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 7, 9 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 9 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 11 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 12 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 14 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 15 Jose J. Bartolomei, Ann Arbor, MI -- Topic Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- Banner Tag Huey Lewis, San Francisco, CA -- Ambience Chris White, Bergamo, Italy -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Weekend Anchors", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I think someone should invent Beerguard, because how often do you actually spill scotch on the carpet? (Thanks to Chris Sampson) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Sep 18 19:04:03 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4018" "Thu" "18" "September" "1997" "19:53:43" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "114" "Top5 - 9/19/97 - A Top5 Classic" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil nil] nil) Status: O Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA00835; Thu, 18 Sep 97 19:04:00 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA25046; Thu, 18 Sep 97 19:02:59 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABBC15699; Thu, 18 Sep 1997 19:53:43 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/19/97 - A Top5 Classic Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 19:53:43 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Sanitized for your protection ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Learn something new today! Windows 95 and Windows NT secrets are online in our TipFinder. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970919/www.winsources.com ================================================================ September 19, 1997 NOTE: Today's list is a "Top 5 Classic", originally published on May 16, 1996. All previous Top 5 Lists can be found in the Archive section of our website, at: http://www.topfive.com The Top 14 Signs Your Star Wide Receiver Has a Drug Problem 14> Defenders make him drop passes every time by shouting, "Hey look, a vial!" 13> Urine specimen glows in the dark. 12> Has his own "water boy", if you know what I mean. 11> He demands a trade to the expansion franchise in Cartagena, Colombia. 10> Continuously leaves game to answer incessant pages from Marion Barry. 9> Hires Timothy Leary & Hunter S. Thompson as "personal trainers." 8> Occasionally shoots officials for "Looking at me." 7> Succeeds in forming a huddle all by himself. 6> When told to abstain from sex and coffee the night before a game, asks if crack is OK. 5> Last four superbowls? Wide awake. 4> When asked what he's going to do now that they've won the Super Bowl, responds, "I'm going to Bogata!" 3> Greg Allman's delivery van always parked in front of his house. 2> Has his OWN hash marks. and the Number 1 Sign Your Star Wide Receiver Has a Drug Problem... 1> Every time he checks into Betty Ford Clinic, Colombian flags fly at half mast. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 81 submissions from 24 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Caroline Gennity, Queens, NY -- 1, 8, 13 (Hall of Famer) Lloyd Jacobson, Washington. DC -- 2 Ansley, Bruce, Baltimore, MD -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Greg Sherwin, Palo Alto, CA -- 4, 10 David E. Spiro, Tucson, AZ -- 5 Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY -- 6 Wolf, Michael, Bronx, NY -- 7 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 9, 11, Topic Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, Ca -- 12 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- Banner Tag Chris White, Trento, Italy -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry, no Runners Up list today! ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Laugh, and the world laughs with you. But you know most of them didn't get the joke in the first place, the lying weasels. (Thanks to Wade Kwon) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Sun Sep 21 19:04:44 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4468" "Sun" "21" "September" "1997" "19:52:49" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "115" "Top5 - 9/22/97 - Signs Your Parents Aren't Human" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil nil] nil) Status: O Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA17949; Sun, 21 Sep 97 19:04:42 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA26622; Sun, 21 Sep 97 19:03:11 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAZ01560; Sun, 21 Sep 1997 19:52:49 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/22/97 - Signs Your Parents Aren't Human Date: Sun, 21 Sep 1997 19:52:49 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Warranty void if tags are removed ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources PC-cillin Cures Viruses! Touchstone Software's new antivirus tools offer excellent protection for end users and administrators. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970922/www.winsources.com ================================================================ September 22, 1997 The Top 15 Signs Your Parents Aren't Human 15> While watching "Star Trek - The Next Generation", they always scream, "Wrong! Wrong again!!" 14> No amount of arguing will stop them from voting Republican. 13> Mom has finally kicked her oxygen habit, but Dad still guzzles Prestone like it was Gatorade. 12> Your mom once moistened an envelope with her tongue and sealed it... after you had dropped it in the mail box. 11> Two words: Sansabelt slacks 10> Your first clue? They named you Jon Benet and you don't live in France. 9> Them: three-toed marsupials with pouches. You: love eucalyptus leaves and talk with funny accent. 8> They freak every time a Sigourney Weaver movie comes on. 7> Billy's parents -- the paddle. Timmy's parents -- the belt. Your folks -- the probe. 6> They claim they brought you from France, yet no one in the family is surly. 5> Your navel is threaded. 4> You've escaped countless punishments by distracting them with the sound of the can opener. 3> Your backyard satellite dish is larger than your neighbor's, by about 700 feet. 2> Your chore list includes the item, "polish coffins." and the Number 1 Sign Your Parents Aren't Human... 1> In addition to milk, breast feeding menu includes hors d'oeuvres, salad, and an entree. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 87 submissions from 35 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 1 (5th #1) Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 2 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 3 Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 4, 13 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 5, 8, 14 (Hat trick!) Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 6 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 7 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 7 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 10 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 11 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 12, 15 LeMel Hebert-Williams, San Fran., CA -- Topic (Hall of Famer) David Hoffmann, Fort Worth, TX -- Banner tag Cheap Trick, Chicago, IL -- Ambience Chris White, Milan, Italy -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Red-Headed Stepchildren", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances It's all fun and games until you're stalked by a short man wearing a dickie. (Thanks to R.R. & K.K.) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Sep 23 19:08:58 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4998" "Tue" "23" "September" "1997" "19:54:26" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "127" "Top5 - 9/24/97 - Surprises About Italy" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil nil] nil) Status: O Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA04481; Tue, 23 Sep 97 19:08:07 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA23407; Tue, 23 Sep 97 19:05:14 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAX11029; Tue, 23 Sep 1997 19:54:26 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/24/97 - Surprises About Italy Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 19:54:26 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Soon to be a major motion picture ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Expert Tips on Win 95 and NT How to take control of your desktop, including Registry secrets to customized shortcut icons. http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970924/www.winsources.com ================================================================ Back from vacationing in Italy and once again coming to you from the home office in Sugar Land, Texas... September 24, 1997 The Top 16 Surprises About Italy 16> Romans no longer do that gladiators-fighting-to-the-death thing. 15> Spumoni not just a type of ice cream -- it's a spermicidal lubricant! 14> "Out of my way - I'm an American!" doesn't generate the respect one would envision. 13> So-called "leaning tower" actually an optical effect caused by very strong Chianti served in Pisa. 12> Leaving the dinner table without new stretchmarks? Illegal! 11> With a decent fake "pointy hat", taking the Popemobile for a joyride isn't as hard as you might think. 10> Rome actually took 27 hours to build, thanks to traditional Italian 3-hour lunch break. 9> Three glasses of wine and those Fellini movies make perfect sense. 8> The national airline? Gen-Italia. 7> Italians realize Jerry Lewis sucks, but revere a certain "Paolo Shore." 6> Non-blessed bottle opener with picture of Pope works just as well as the blessed version, and cost $10.00 less! 5> Italian pizza? A slice of white bread topped with a spoonful of ketchup. 4> Despite inventing Spaghetti-O's, Chef Boy-Ar-Dee not the national hero you'd think. 3> That whole thing about the moon hitting your eye like a big pizza pie? Turns out that was some sort of metaphor. 2> Vatican dinner guests prohibited from referring to chicken's butt as the "Pope's nose." and the Number 1 Surprise About Italy... 1> Them canals is tasty! [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 129 submissions from 48 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 1 (6th #1) Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 2 Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA -- 3, 6, 16 (Hat trick!) Dan Signer, Studio City, CA -- 4 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 4 Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 5, 10 Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 7 Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 7 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 7 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 8 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 9 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 11 (Hall of Famer) Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 13 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 14 Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX -- 15 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Topic Eric Foster, Altamonte Springs, FL -- Banner tag David Hyatt, New York, NY -- Runner Up list name The B-52s, Athens, GA -- Ambience Chris White, back in New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Ham & Pineapple Pizza", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Whoever said "When in Rome, do as the Romans do", has never driven a car there. (Thanks to Lev Spiro) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Sep 23 19:03:57 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4720" "Tue" "23" "September" "1997" "20:02:40" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "120" "Top5 - 9/23/97 - Signs You Live in a Small Town" "^From:" nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil nil] nil) Status: O Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA04449; Tue, 23 Sep 97 19:03:55 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA23399; Tue, 23 Sep 97 19:03:12 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAX29936; Tue, 23 Sep 1997 20:02:40 MDT Message-Id: Priority: normal Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" From: top5@lists.zdnet.com To: adam at xent dot com Subject: Top5 - 9/23/97 - Signs You Live in a Small Town Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 20:02:40 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T A list for breakfast & lunch, followed by a sensible dinner. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources The Easiest Scan in Town Logitech's Stellar New USB Scanner http://www4.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970923/www.winsources.com ================================================================ September 23, 1997 The Top 16 Signs You Live in a Really Small Town 16> You have an argument with your wife, and the following Tuesday the City Council passes an ordinance taking her side. 15> Leaders looking to pump up the census by recognizing multiple personalities. 14> The Fire Department keeps borrowing your soda spritzer. 13> Police Force armed only with The Club. 12> You gotta kill a mess of people in a shooting rampage just to get Katie Couric to notice you. 11> Town store runs out of supplies after third day of ATF blockade. 10> Dining out requires gettting up enough change for Cheezits and Fanta from the vending machines at the gas station. 9> Jury duty every week starting to wear thin. 8> Renovation of town sewer system involves digging a new hole and moving the shed. 7> Wal-Mart decides to build a 5-acre store instead of a 10-acre store, and only sells gum and raccoon pelts. 6> Local Top Five List only has five items. 5> Winter snow removal plan consists of the Mayor shaking Morton's Salt over the town intersection. 4> Town's most eligible bachelor is named "Skeeter." 3> Only 11 Starbucks. 2> Only videos at Blockbusters are "Footloose" and "Meatballs II." and the Number 1 Sign You Live in a Really Small Town... 1> To fill out this year's varsity football squad, Coach had to father 3 children. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 100 submissions from 40 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Don Swain, Lincoln, DE -- 1 (1st #1!) Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 2, 4 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 3, 13 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 3, 15 Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA -- 3 Patrick New, Chicago, IL -- 3 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 3 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 3 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 4 Barbara Rush, Tulsa, OK -- 5, 10 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 6 Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 7 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 7 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 8 (Hall of Famer) David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 9 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 11 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 12 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 14 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 16 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- Banner Tag (Hall of Famer) Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- Topic John Mellencamp, Ohio -- Ambience Chris White, London, England -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "B.F. Egypt", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Boy, alphabetizing books sure makes me sleepy. (Thanks to Chris Gahan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Sep 25 19:03:36 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4634" "Thu" "25" "September" "1997" "19:56:14" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" nil "116" "Top5 - 9/26/97 - PBS Pledge Drive Events" nil nil nil "9" nil nil nil nil nil] nil) Status: O Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA22167; Thu, 25 Sep 97 19:03:33 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA22679; Thu, 25 Sep 97 19:03:02 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAU01105; Thu, 25 Sep 1997 19:56:14 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 9/26/97 - PBS Pledge Drive Events Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Thu, 25 Sep 1997 19:56:14 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Close captioned for the comedically impaired ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources New Pentium IIs from Dell and NEC both have the long-awaited 440LX chipset and the AGP bus. Find out if it was worth the wait. Plus, an AGP primer. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970926/www.winsources.com ================================================================ September 26, 1997 The Top 16 Least Successful PBS Pledge Drive Events 16> Washington Week in Review Wet T-Shirt Contest 15> The "Give us $100 or we're sending the Frugal Gourmet to your kid's school" Campaign 14> McNeil/Lehrer Mud Wrestling Mania & Ultimate Fighting Showdown 13> Give $100, get a John Tesh CD -- Give $50, get 2 John Tesh CDs 12> A chance to win a starring role in a new National Geographic Explorer special, "The Human Colon: Journey into Darkness." 11> "These are Barney's teeth. Unless you pledge 100 grand in the next hour, we'll cut off his toes, then his fingers..." 10> Dr. Weil's book: "Spontaneous Flatulence -- Friend or Foe?" 9> Pledge $100, and Chris Farley will eat whatever you tell him to. 8> "An Evening of Bad Magic and Lame Music: Doug Henning and Yanni at the Taj Mahal" 7> $25 pledge gets you the Jesse Helms "Grown in America and Picked by White Guys" coffee mug 6> Mr. Rogers's Mega! Mega! Mega! Monster Truck Extravaganza! 5> "A Visit to the Taiwanese Sweatshop Where We Make the PBS Coffee Mugs You Receive with Your $25 Pledge" 4> The William F. Buckley vs. Alistair Cooke Prattle-athon 3> The "Put a Cap in Big Bird's Ass" target set 2> Big bag of things combed out of Yanni's moustache and the Number 1 Least Successful PBS Pledge Drive Event... 1> Luciano Pavarotti's "The Three Dinners" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 177 submissions from 66 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- 1 (10th #1) Kermit Woodall, Richmond, VA -- 2 Debbie Lander, Las Vegas, NV -- 3 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 5, 6 Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 7 Marianne Tatom, Austin, TX -- 8 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 9 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 10 Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 11 Keith Martin, Atlanta, GA -- 12 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 14 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 14 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 15 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 16 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- Topic John Tesh, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience - NOT! Eric Foster, Altamonte Springs, FL -- Banner tag Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Cable Access Shows", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Doing belly-flops off of the high diving board isn't nearly as fun as it looks. (Thanks to Emily Harper) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Sun Sep 28 19:03:54 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4577" "Sun" "28" "September" "1997" "20:01:57" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "116" "Top5 - 9/29/97 - Politically Correct Sports Teams" nil nil nil "9" "1997092902:01:57" "Top5 - 9/29/97 - Politically Correct Sports Teams" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA16961; Sun, 28 Sep 97 19:03:51 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA24898; Sun, 28 Sep 97 19:02:40 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAU14711; Sun, 28 Sep 1997 20:01:57 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 9/29/97 - Politically Correct Sports Teams Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Sun, 28 Sep 1997 20:01:57 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Improper use could result in serious injury or even death. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Storage for the Masses! With DTP's RAIDStation Kit and the Flash Point RAID Controller from Mylex, anyone can have their own RAID system. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970929/www.winsources.com ================================================================ NOTE FROM CHRIS: It's time to open up the Top 5 Hall of Fame and let a few new contributors in. To vote for your favorite contributors, put their names in an e-mail message and send it to top5@walrus.com with HALL OF FAME in the subject line. September 29, 1997 The Top 15 Politically Correct Sports Team Names 15> Los Angeles Conscientious Objectors 14> Oakland Venture Capitalist Free Market Entrepreneurial Speculators 13> Green Bay Efficient Utilizers of All Available Free Space 12> Purdue Boilermakers Local 151 - DNC contributors since 1948 11> Chicago Just-Pass-the-Ball-to-Jordans 10> Tennessee Fat-Cat Earth Rapist Billionaires Who Contribute To Global Warming Through Their Irresponsible Use of Fossil Fuels 9> Washington Overzealous Sunbathers 8> Notre Dame Violent Offenders of Gaelic Descent 7> USC Prophylactic Aids to Prevent the Spread of Sexual Disease 6> San Jose Attorneys 5> San Francisco They-Wouldn't-Let-Us-Add-20-To-Our-Namers 4> Chicago Melanin-Challenged Footwear 3> Dallas We'd-Like-to-Still-be-America's-Team, But-Now-We're-Just-a-Bunch-of Drug-Users-and-Sex-Offenders 2> Nebraska No-Means-No's and the Number 1 Politically Correct Sports Team Name... 1> Montreal Pants-Deficient Rain Coat Wearers [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 121 submissions from 44 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 1 (12th #1 / Hall of Famer) Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 2 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 3 Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 4 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 5, 7 Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 6 Perry Friedman, Menlo Park, CA -- 6, 15 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 7 Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 8, 12 Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 9 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 10 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 10 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 11 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 14 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- Topic Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI -- Banner Tag NWA, Compton, CA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Angry White Males", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I wish I could travel back in time to the 1800's -- not because I'm fond of that era or something, but I just don't want to pay my student loan back. (Thanks to Megan Lyn Edson) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Sep 30 19:03:47 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4614" "Tue" "30" "September" "1997" "19:51:42" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "116" "Top5 - 9/30/97 - Marv in Your Hotel Room" nil nil nil "9" "1997100101:51:42" "Top5 - 9/30/97 - Marv in Your Hotel Room" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09044; Tue, 30 Sep 97 19:03:45 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA02300; Tue, 30 Sep 97 19:03:10 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAV28786; Tue, 30 Sep 1997 19:51:42 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 9/30/97 - Marv in Your Hotel Room Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997 19:51:42 MDT Status: O ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T It's the Water, And A Whole Lot More ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Microsoft Money98 Overhauled from the ground up, Money98 hits the street. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa970930/www.winsources.com ================================================================ September 30, 1997 The Top 15 Signs Marv Albert Has Been In Your Hotel Room 15> Sign on door amended to read "Maximum Occupancy: 4 persons (or 2 transsexuals and a sportscaster)" 14> The drawers are filled with Rebecca Lobo designer brand garters and panties in "Super Plus" sizes. 13> When have you ever seen a hotel shoeshine rag with tape on one side and dandruff on the other? 12> Bathroom reeks like someone with "nervous trial stomach" just left. 11> You're bra is missing. Your panties are missing. The rug is missing. 10> The bed is mussed, and even though it had been mussed willingly in the past, that's no reason to expect it not to press charges this time. 9> Dennis Rodman drops by to get his panties and garter belt back. 8> Lipstick scrawled on the bathroom mirror reads, "If the panties don't fit, you must acquit!" 7> The big dent in the mattress, the size XXXXL orange turtleneck, two dozen empty quarts of Good Humor ice cream, and a keg of chocolate sauce. (Oops! That's a sign *FAT* Albert's been in your hotel room.) 6> Bubba Smith keeps sending up roses and chocolate. 5> Throw rug on the floor is only 8 inches in diameter. 4> A quick jump on the bed releases one last lingering echo of "YESSSS!!!!" 3> "Marv was here" gnawed into headboard of bed. 2> "Saturday" missing from your day-of-the-week panty collection. and the Number 1 Sign Marv Albert Has Been In Your Hotel Room... 1> There's a toupee on the nightstand and a career in the toilet. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 111 submissions from 42 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 1, 3 (2nd #1) Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 2 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 4 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 5, 9 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 6, Topic Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 7 Don Swain, Lincoln, DE -- 8, 10 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 11 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 12 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 14 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 14 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 15, Banner Tag Martha Davis, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Bellhops", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I think if you really like a girl you have to pay a LOT of attention to her. But try telling that to those jerks on the jury. (Thanks to Dave George) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Sep 30 19:04:39 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4679" "Tue" "30" "September" "1997" "20:00:38" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "120" "Top5 - 10/1/97 - Problems on Hanson's Tour" nil nil nil "9" "1997100102:00:38" "Top5 - 10/1/97 - Problems on Hanson's Tour" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09053; Tue, 30 Sep 97 19:04:37 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA02297; Tue, 30 Sep 97 19:02:56 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAV09797; Tue, 30 Sep 1997 20:00:38 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/1/97 - Problems on Hanson's Tour Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997 20:00:38 MDT Status: O ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Wipes clean with a damp cloth ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Windows NT 5.0 Beta 1 Exclusive! David Chernicoff has the low-down on the eagerly anticipated first beta of Windows NT 5.0. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971001/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 1, 1997 The Top 16 Problems on Hanson's Tour 16> Nightly argument over which Olsen Twin to dedicate a song to. 15> No encores until all vegetables are eaten. 14> Non-stop "Are we there yet?" coming from back of the tour bus. 13> Pleading phone calls from recently-unemployed Sammy Hagar. 12> Lawsuit-happy paparazzi keep tripping on skateboards. 11> Typo on posters results in swastika-foreheaded audience screaming for "Helter Skelter." 10> Stage diving banned thanks to the NAMBLA contingent in the first three rows. 9> "Listen up, people. We have a problem, man -- don't eat the Orange Pixiestix." 8> Purple dinosaur in mosh pit always gets drunk and tries to climb onstage. 7> Instead of weed and coke backstage, all they get is Cookie Crisp and Fruit Roll-Ups. 6> MmmZits. 5> It's hard to have a kickass after-concert party when your groupies have to be home by 9:30 and their moms are all waiting outside in the Vanagon. 4> Zach refuses to leave Vegas without his favorite hooker. 3> Menudo shows up, ready to kick some white teen ass. 2> Nobody can hold a note, much less an instrument, after the "Drugs On Tour" talk with Oasis. and the Number 1 Problem on Hanson's Tour... 1> Hotel maid wants big bucks or she's going to Hard Copy with that little bed-wetting problem. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 105 submissions from 40 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- 1 (9th #1) Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 2, 5 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 3 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 4 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 5, 7 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 5 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 5 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Don Swain, Lincoln, DE -- 8, 13 Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI -- 9, 11 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 9 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 10 Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 11 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 11 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 12 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 13, Topic Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 14 David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 15 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 16 Larry Mills, Oneonta, NY -- Banner tag Raffi, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Juvenile Delinquents", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I bet Frankenstein almost never got hickies. (Thanks to Alan Smithee & Dave James) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Oct 1 19:05:02 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4702" "Wed" "1" "October" "1997" "19:51:51" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "121" "Top5 - 10/2/97 - Stalked by a Top5 Contributor!" nil nil nil "10" "1997100201:51:51" "Top5 - 10/2/97 - Stalked by a Top5 Contributor!" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA20950; Wed, 1 Oct 97 19:05:00 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA24700; Wed, 1 Oct 97 19:03:46 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAV20509; Wed, 01 Oct 1997 19:51:51 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/2/97 - Stalked by a Top5 Contributor! Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Wed, 01 Oct 1997 19:51:51 MDT Status: RO ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Now You Can Have That Fresh Feeling All Day Long ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Explorer has landed! And Windows won't ever be the same. Download the final release version of Microsoft's Internet Explorer 4.0. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971002/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 2, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You're Being Stalked by a Top5 Contributor 15> You come home to find your Pauly Shore video library completely destroyed. 14> No matter what the topic, each list contains a reference to that birthmark on your thigh. 13> When he finds out your name is "Misty Rivera", he laughs so hard that he wets himself. 12> Telltale Hushpuppy footprints on your lawn. 11> "Top 5 Reasons I'll Love You Until One of Us Dies" list scratched in car's paint with a key. 10> Cryptic death threat letter also contains an ad for "Windows Sources." 9> Junior insists there's a "desperate loser" outside in the bushes, but your husband left for work an hour ago. 8> Every "dozen" roses you receive actually contains 15 or 16. 7> You keep seeing some dude with "Chris White is Satan" carved into his forehead. 6> Cheese on your mailbox, cheese on the car seat, cheese everywhere! 5> An eerie yet geeky voice behind you mutters, "Two words: beautiful skin." 4> For no reason, you start to receive "Shame on you!" letters from Girl Scout leaders. 3> He's insanely jealous of all the other Top5 contributors you're dating. 2> Everywhere you go, there's the lingering aroma of tofu burritos and Hai Karate. and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by a Top5 Contributor... 1> Yesterday's topic? "Top 5 Ways to Circumvent a Restraining Order" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 87 submissions from 31 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 1 (11th #1) Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 2, 12 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 2 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 3 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 4, 10, 15 (Hat trick!) Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 4, 8 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 4, Topic Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 5, 14 Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 6 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 7 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 8, 11 Gail Celio, Athens, GA -- 8 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 8 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 9 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 10 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 11 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 13, Banner Tag Talking Heads, New York, NY -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Peeping Toms", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If I can make just one person laugh, then it must've been a pretty good eulogy. (Thanks to Wade Kwon) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Fri Oct 3 19:04:20 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4021" "Fri" "3" "October" "1997" "19:49:34" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "117" "Top5 - 10/3/97 - Rejected Jenny McCarthy TV Pilots" nil nil nil "10" "1997100401:49:34" "Top5 - 10/3/97 - Rejected Jenny McCarthy TV Pilots" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA08918; Fri, 3 Oct 97 19:04:17 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA29984; Fri, 3 Oct 97 19:03:23 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAR14442; Fri, 03 Oct 1997 19:49:34 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/3/97 - Rejected Jenny McCarthy TV Pilots Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Fri, 03 Oct 1997 19:49:34 MDT Status: RO ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Ready in five minutes or it's free ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources 600 MHz, Really! The PolyWell PolyAlpha and Enorex Ultra PC will make believers out of you. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971003/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 3, 1997 The Top 16 Rejected Jenny McCarthy TV Pilots 16> My So-Called Talent 15> Mary Tyler Moron 14> Get Smart -- Please! 13> The XXX-Files 12> Masterpiece Theater Unplugged! 11> PR 10> The Wonderbra Years 9> Saved by the Bell Curve 8> Murder, She Giggled 7> Full Blouse 6> What's My Lines? 5> Real Sex With Jenny McCarthy and Jeff Downey 4> Hormone Improvement 3> IQ of Thirtysomething 2> Leave It To Cleavage and the Number 1 Rejected Jenny McCarthy TV Pilot... 1> 3rd Rock from the Ear [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 143 submissions from 51 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 1 (2nd #1) David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 2, 16 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 2 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 2 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 2 Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 2 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 3 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 4, 10 (Hall of Famer) Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 5 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 6, 10 Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 7 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 8 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 9, 15 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 10 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 10 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 11 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 12 Blair Bostick, Alexandria, VA -- 13 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 14 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 16 Don Swain, Lincoln, DE -- 16 Kathleen Kirkpatrick, where are you? -- Topic Nathan Hansar, Australia -- Banner tag Tommy Tutone, whereabouts unknown -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Blacklisted", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If there was a state named Potunket, I would probably always forget whether it was abbreviated PO or PT. (Thanks to Philip Doyle) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Sun Oct 5 19:03:51 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4618" "Sun" "5" "October" "1997" "19:48:30" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "120" "Top5 - 10/6/97 - Jewish Holiday Not Strictly Observed" nil nil nil "10" "1997100601:48:30" "Top5 - 10/6/97 - Jewish Holiday Not Strictly Observed" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA21960; Sun, 5 Oct 97 19:03:49 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA24270; Sun, 5 Oct 97 19:03:07 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAQ04838; Sun, 05 Oct 1997 19:48:30 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/6/97 - Jewish Holiday Not Strictly Observed Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Sun, 05 Oct 1997 19:48:30 MDT Status: RO ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Episode #29: Jeannie Catches Cold ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources CDs, Easy as Pie New, from Adaptec, Easy CD Creator Deluxe makes cooking up CD-Rs a breeze. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971006/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 6, 1997 The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed 15> Telltale mouse ears on his new "yarmulke." 14> Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplished that was even remotely religious. 13> Thinks that the Torah is something you wear to a frat party. 12> Comes back wearing a "Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but not the night-life!" T-shirt. 11> You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services at Santa Anita Racetrack. 10> Kareem in Accounting keeps calling it "Yom Shakur." 9> As far as you know, circumcisions don't "grow back." 8> Doesnt know the difference between Hebrew and Home-brew. 7> She's complaining that Kathie Lee isn't really on all Carnival Cruises. 6> Claims he was observing "Chaka Khan." 5> Menorah on his desk displays three sleeves worth of golf balls. 4> Thinks "Rosh Hashanah" is a song by The Knack. 3> His yarmulke has two cans of beer and a drinking straw. 2> "And if the rabbi sees his shadow when he comes out of the temple, there'll be four more months of summer." and the Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker's Jewish Holiday Wasn't Strictly Observed... 1> Took off all of *last* month for Ramadan. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 130 submissions from 52 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 1 (6th #1) Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 2 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 3 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 4 John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 6 Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 7 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 8 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 9 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 10 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 11 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 12 Jennifer O. Gall, Los Angeles, CA -- 13 Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA -- 14 (Hall of Famer) Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 15 (Hall of Famer) Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 15 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 15 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- Topic Patrick New, Chicago IL -- Topic Re-Wording Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Banner Tag Anything but Guns 'N' Roses -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Pork-Eaters", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If the outside of buildings were covered in carpet, and we all wore Velcro gloves, then we'd all be like Spiderman, wouldn't we? (Thanks to Troy Roberson) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Oct 6 19:15:14 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4971" "Mon" "6" "October" "1997" "20:03:19" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "127" "Top5 - 10/7/97 - Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally" nil nil nil "10" "1997100702:03:19" "Top5 - 10/7/97 - Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA01528; Mon, 6 Oct 97 19:15:11 PDT Received: from sender6.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA11751; Mon, 6 Oct 97 19:13:07 PDT Received: from sender6.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender6.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAQ22721; Mon, 06 Oct 1997 20:03:19 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/7/97 - Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Mon, 06 Oct 1997 20:03:19 MDT Status: RO ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Hi, Mom! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Split Personality Is it a scanner or a printer? The Cannon BJC-4302 and BJC-4304 Photo. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971007/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 7, 1997 The Top 16 Things Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally 16> "If they make us do one more friggin' Macarena, I'm converting to Judaism." 15> "You guys up for happy hour at Hooters after we're done here?" 14> "One more chorus of 'Kumbaya' and I'm gonna blow chunks!" 13> "Man, I see the Washington Monument in a whole new light" 12> "Excuse me -- When does Minister Farrakhan come on?" 11> "I'm more of a Promise Breaker. I'm just came for the free nachos." 10> "Somebody get some ice, Senator Thurmond's beginning to decompose." 9> "Say, brother, is that a covenant in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" 8> "One more hug from you, Bob, and I PROMISE I'll kick your ass!" 7> "Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?" 6> "Promise, Schmomise -- where's all the babes?" 5> "Oh great... They bring a million bibles, but only twenty rolls of toilet paper." 4> "I haven't seen so many men cry since Pam Anderson left Baywatch." 3> "Lord of mercy, all these people and no one to convert." 2> "Hey, isn't that Waldo?" and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Promise Keepers Rally... 1> "FREEBIRD!!" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 120 submissions from 43 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Dave George, Arlington, VA -- 1, 10 (9th #1) David Hyatt, New York, NY -- 1, 15 (4th #1) Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 1 (5th #1) Peg Warner, Derry, NH -- 1 (3rd #1) Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 2 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 3 (Hall of Famer) David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 4 Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 5, 12, 16 (Hat trick!) Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 6 (Hall of Famer) Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 6 Paul Lara, Temple, TX -- 6 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 6 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 6, 14 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 6, 7 Geoff Brown, Farmington Hills, MI -- 8 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 8 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 8, 12 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 9 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 10, 15 (Hall of Famer) Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 11 Tom Louderback, Boston, MA -- 13, Topic Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 14 Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR -- 15 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 15 Gloria Monti, New Haven, CT -- Topic Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- Runner Up list name David Hoffmann, Fort Worth, TX -- Banner tag Naked Eyes, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Finger Crossers", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances For some reason, immigrants always think that they have to join an onion before they're allowed to work. (Thanks to Chris Gahan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Oct 8 03:00:54 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4434" "Wed" "8" "October" "1997" "02:53:38" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "116" "Top5 - 10/8/97 - Signs You're Dating a Hockey Player" nil nil nil "10" "1997100808:53:38" "Top5 - 10/8/97 - Signs You're Dating a Hockey Player" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA15558; Wed, 8 Oct 97 03:00:52 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09251; Wed, 8 Oct 97 03:00:00 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAQ26979; Wed, 08 Oct 1997 02:53:38 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/8/97 - Signs You're Dating a Hockey Player Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Wed, 08 Oct 1997 02:53:38 MDT Status: O ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Next to your home, it's your best investment. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Windows NT 5.0 Beta 1 Exclusive! David Chernicoff has the low-down on the first beta of Windows NT 5.0. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971008/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 8, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You're Dating a Hockey Player 15> Eating the last Fig Newton gets you bodychecked into the fridge. 14> He's very sensitive on the topic of "stick curvature." 13> When eating steak, asks you to chew it for him. 12> After going out, makes you line up and shake hands with all his ex-girlfriends. 11> Constantly gets the urge to whack "Whiskers" out the cat door with a broom. 10> It's bad enough he consummates lovemaking by shouting, "He scores!" -- was it really necessary to install the red light above his bed? 9> During arguments he sends you to the penalty box for "2 minutes for pissing me off." 8> Her name is Olga, she's built like Stallone, and she starts a fight at least once per period. 7> He refuses to valet park the Zamboni. 6> For breakfast, she hands each kid a spoon and tosses an Eggo in the middle of the table. 5> For your anniversary, gives you a charm bracelet made of his teeth. 4> When he tries to "Marv Albert" your back, there's absolutely no danger of him breaking the skin. 3> Demanded credit for an assist when you slept with his best friend. 2> Favorite Restaurant: Dinner in a Blender and the Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Hockey Player... 1> Talks funny and likes to beat up people, but doesn't come from Alabama. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 101 submissions from 35 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 1 (5th #1) Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 2 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 3 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 4, Tag (Hall of Fame) Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 5 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 6, 11 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 7, 10 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 7 Natasha Filipovic, New York, NY -- 7 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 8, 13 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 9 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 12, 14 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 15 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Topic Vanilla Ice, whereabouts unknown -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Pucked up", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Oct 8 19:08:09 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4943" "Wed" "8" "October" "1997" "19:59:17" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "124" "Top5 - 10/9/97 - Surprises in the \"Coffee\" Videotapes" nil nil nil "10" "1997100901:59:17" "Top5 - 10/9/97 - Surprises in the \"Coffee\" Videotapes" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA23283; Wed, 8 Oct 97 19:05:01 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA24369; Wed, 8 Oct 97 19:04:08 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAQ08221; Wed, 08 Oct 1997 19:59:17 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/9/97 - Surprises in the "Coffee" Videotapes Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Wed, 08 Oct 1997 19:59:17 MDT Status: O ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T We Know The Green Lantern's Secret Indentity! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Web Tools Grow Up! Create and maintain websites with little fuss, using Microsoft's FrontPage 98, SoftQuad's HoTMetaL 4.0 & Visual Page from Symantec http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971009/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 9, 1997 The Top 16 Surprises in the White House Coffee Videotapes 16> Clinton uses the old "Say that again into my good ear" trick to look down a dress or two. 15> To nobody's surprise, Hillary insists on Equal. 14> Bill more interested in China than Nancy was, if you know what I mean. 13> President caught sucking the filling out of donuts with a straw right before guests enter. 12> Styrofoam cups stamped "WARNING: Coffee is served very hot. Don't spill it on your checks." 11> Newt Gingrich seen in the background making off with all the Bavarian Cremes. 10> Irate Al Gore beating Juan Valdez over the head with a churro, screaming, "Where's the other 10G's, coffee boy?" 9> A special unannounced appearance by Reno, Warrior Princess. 8> Clinton makes good on the misprint in the White House Coffee Brochure: "$50,000 gets you a visit with Hillary in the Oral Orifice." 7> For only $100,000, Bill makes coffee come out of his nose. 6> "Okay, Al, repeat after me: 'Show me the soft money!!'" 5> Two cups of coffee and Gore runs around the room screaming, "Bats! Run, everybody!" 4> It takes a huge contribution to pry a scone out of Bubba's greedy hands. 3> Prez pulls the old "Oh, no! I spilled coffee in my lap. Better take these pants off!" routine all too frequently. 2> "We've secretly replaced the enormous bribes normally found here with Folger's SoftMoney Crystals..." and the Number 1 Surprise in the White House Coffee Videotapes... 1> At $50,000 for a small latte and Danish, still cheaper than Starbucks. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 137 submissions from 51 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 1 (5th #1) Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 2, 11 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 3, 13 (Hall of Famer) Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 4 Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 5 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 6, 15, Topic Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 6 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- 6 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 7 Jennifer O. Gall, Los Angeles, CA -- 8 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 9 Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 10 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 12,Topic (Hall of Fame) Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 14 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 16 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Banner Tag Squeeze, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Dunkin' Donuts", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I read that "Success is 1% inspiration and 99% persperation." Well, if success means having to sweat, you can forget it, man. (Thanks to Dan Lantz) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Oct 9 19:05:58 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4946" "Thu" "9" "October" "1997" "19:59:31" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "123" "Top5 - 10/10/97 - The Cat is Plotting World Domination" nil nil nil "10" "1997101001:59:31" "Top5 - 10/10/97 - The Cat is Plotting World Domination" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA02680; Thu, 9 Oct 97 19:05:26 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA14074; Thu, 9 Oct 97 19:03:19 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAL00997; Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:59:31 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/10/97 - The Cat is Plotting World Domination Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Thu, 09 Oct 1997 19:59:31 MDT Status: RO ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Soothes irritating itch on contact ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Track Down That Pesky Missing Driver With over a thousand recently added drivers, our DriverFinder is *the* place for all your Windows 95 and Windows NT driver needs. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971010/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 10, 1997 The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Plotting World Domination 16> Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day. 15> Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day. 14> Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland. 13> When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn. 12> Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs. 11> What you thought was "heat" is actually a four-legged goose step. 10> Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination. 9> Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo" to be blueprint of the UN Building. 8> Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap. 7> Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out "Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head." 6> Then -- dead mice in the kitchen. Now -- dead third world dictators in the basement. 5> Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of "land mine" technology. 4> Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23. 3> Has recently been acting somewhat... aloof. 2> What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies. and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Plotting World Domination... 1> Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Pussy of Fortune" magazine. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 128 submissions from 47 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 1, 10 (1st #1!) Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 2 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 3, 9 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 4, 7 Gayle Ehrenman, New York, NY -- 4 Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA -- 4 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 5 David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 6, 11 Tom Louderback, Boston, MA -- 6 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 8 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 12 Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 13 George Olson, Colorado Springs, CO -- 13 Tisha Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 14, Topic Josh Robertson, Bronx, NY -- 15 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 16 Eric Foster, Altamonte Springs, FL -- Banner tag The Cure, London, England -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Runts of the Litter", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Whenever I'm driving through the desert, and I see a roadrunner, I run it over and say, "That's for the coyote!" I don't really like the coyote, but it's a good excuse to run over things. (Thanks to Craig Stacey) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Oct 13 19:05:45 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5222" "Mon" "13" "October" "1997" "19:54:23" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "148" "top5 - 10/14/97 - celebrating e.e. cummings' birthday" nil nil nil "10" "1997101401:54:23" "top5 - 10/14/97 - celebrating e.e. cummings' birthday" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA06470; Mon, 13 Oct 97 19:05:42 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA15640; Mon, 13 Oct 97 19:04:17 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAJ09741; Mon, 13 Oct 1997 19:54:23 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: top5 - 10/14/97 - celebrating e.e. cummings' birthday Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 19:54:23 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Not to be used as a birth control device ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Special Report -- How to practice Safe Browsing http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971014/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 14, 1997 The birthday of American poet e.e. cummings the top 15 ways to celebrate e.e. cummings' birthday (note: for best effect, please set your e-mail program's font to "courier" or "courier new") 15> Rowdy English Lit students have a Shift key smashing party. 14> When you tell Sajak you want to "buy a vowel", demand the "lower case only" discount. 13> spongiform yeastyblob (glowing). edible; festive. (eating. wanting) cake 12> As you've done to commemorate other close friends, write new version of "Candle In the Wind," calling it, "candleinthewind." 11> don't i know you got any ide as ?? 10> Convince drunken poetry students to hold their lighters in the air screaming: "FREE VERSE!" 9> Keep pestering local library for "e.e. cummings' big book of filthy limericks." 8> up from jump) naked flower cake springs, if you know what I mean 7> TP Maya Angelou's house again. 6> Drink a (lower) case of Bud. 5> Like every October 14th, join the crowd for that big ol' e.e. cummings parade down 5th Avenue. 4> Invite AA Milne, BB King, CeCe Wayans, DeeDee Ramone, JJ Walker and LL Cool J over to watch some XX-rated movies. 3> Try to score with k.d. lang. 2> Buy Ted Turner's new book: "The E.E. Cummings *Capitalized* Collection." and the Number 1 Way to Celebrate e.e. cummings' Birthday... 1> throw alanis morisette off a building. (splat) [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 91 submissions from 37 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 1 (1st #1!) Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 2 Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 3 Craig Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 3 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 4 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 4, 5, 12 (Hat trick!) Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 6 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 6 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 7 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 8 Jennifer Hart, Arlington, VA -- 9 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 10, 11 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 13 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 14 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 15 Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 15 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 15 Tisha Stacey, Lisle, IL -- Topic Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Banner Tag The Beatles, Liverpool, England -- Ambience Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- Punctuation Monitor Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "no rhyme or reason", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I think it would be good to get a dog so he can stick his head out of the car window when I drive. It looks silly when I do it. (Thanks to F. J. Varano) One million apologies for the inaccurate Roadrunner reference. I *promise* to devote more of my time to researching these. I guess this doesn't help my chances for "Ruminations Contributor of the Year"? (Thanks to Dan Lantz) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Oct 14 19:04:26 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4110" "Tue" "14" "October" "1997" "19:58:26" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "106" "Top5 - 10/15/97 - Tech Support Has Gone Completely Nuts!" nil nil nil "10" "1997101501:58:26" "Top5 - 10/15/97 - Tech Support Has Gone Completely Nuts!" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA16691; Tue, 14 Oct 97 19:04:24 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA05542; Tue, 14 Oct 97 19:03:34 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAJ27303; Tue, 14 Oct 1997 19:58:26 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/15/97 - Tech Support Has Gone Completely Nuts! Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 19:58:26 MDT Status: O ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Dries to a bright shine ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources 1 Site, 2 Faces: Microsoft re-designs its home-page to take advantage of IE 4.0's features, and you can't get it with Netscape. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971015/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 15, 1997 Today's Top 5 List is from the "Shut Down" section of the October issue of Windows Sources Magazine, now available at newstands everywhere. The Top 10 Signs the Tech Support Person Has Gone Completely Nuts 10> Asks every caller, "Do you know how long it's been since I've had a date?" 9> Attempts a mind meld with your Pentium chip. 8> Insists you stay on the phone until you've gone through all five stages of grief. 7> The answer to every question begins with the phrase, "Technology is like a box of chocolates..." 6> Tells you to perform a "quick uninstall" by waving a big magnet over your hard disk. 5> Regardless of the question, says you "must find the magic emerald to kill the ogre and get to the next level." 4> Antivirus program consists of chicken soup and plenty of rest. 3> In response to every question, instructs you to "please disrobe prior to the examination." 2> Takes credit for the Millennium Bug. and the Number 1 Sign the Tech Support Person Has Gone Completely Nuts... 1> By following the laughter-stifled directions on installing RAM, you end up doing a perfect Macarena. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 62 submissions from 27 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 1 (3rd #1) Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 2 Geoff Brown, Farmington Hills, MI -- 3 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 4 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 5 Gregory Swarthout, Murray, UT -- 6 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 7, 10 Paul Lara, Temple, TX -- 8, 9 Jennifer Ritzinger, Seattle, WA -- Topic David Hoffmann, Fort Worth, TX -- Banner tag Mark Chesnutt, Nashville, TN -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "On Hold", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances My girlfriend says that I'm going to hell because I don't go to church, but that's okay, because from what I've been able to figure out, they don't have church there either. (Thanks to Kirk W. Reuter) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Oct 15 19:11:21 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4765" "Wed" "15" "October" "1997" "19:53:10" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "121" "Top5 - 10/16/97 - Chelsea's Pet Peeves About College" nil nil nil "10" "1997101601:53:10" "Top5 - 10/16/97 - Chelsea's Pet Peeves About College" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA27505; Wed, 15 Oct 97 19:11:13 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA27458; Wed, 15 Oct 97 19:07:24 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAK17990; Wed, 15 Oct 1997 19:53:10 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/16/97 - Chelsea's Pet Peeves About College Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 19:53:10 MDT Status: O ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Not affiliated with the American Red Cross ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources The Future of Windows CE Not content with CE's success thus far, Microsoft pushes forward with Windows CE 2.0. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971016/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 16, 1997 The Top 16 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeves About College 16> Every time she cuts her 8am class, CNN switches to a live feed from the lecture hall. 15> PoliSci textbook only contains pictures from her "dumpy" years. 14> Social life hampered by mandatory Secret Service body cavity search of potential dates. 13> No room in dorm for all those boxes of missing Whitewater documents. 12> Daddy won't sign the Cafeteria Food Reform Bill. 11> No one wants to waste good pot on a Clinton. 10> Steamy makeout sessions usually end with the guy getting his ass kicked by the Secret Service. 9> Tipper no longer around to clean up after her and Socks. 8> Every boy who hits on you winds up on a "peacekeeping force" in Bosnia within 48 hours. 7> Constant comparisons to notable Stanford alum Ted Koppel usually refer to physical resemblance. 6> Bourbon shots not free like the ones "Uncle Ted" serves back home. 5> Drunken frat boys always confusing her with Amy Carter. 4> Football coach keeps begging her to get Janet Reno to enroll. 3> RA's write you up if the Chinese Delegates stay past midnight. 2> Anatomy lab cadaver none other than Al Gore. and the Number 1 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeve About College... 1> The man makes 200 grand a year -- you'd think he could bring his own weed when he visits. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 129 submissions from 47 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 1, 6, Topic (2nd #1) Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 2 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 3 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 4 Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 4 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 5 Jay Allen, Long Beach, CA -- 7 Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 8 Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 9, 14 Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 10 Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 11 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 12, 14 Tony Hill, Minneapolis, MN -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Geoff Brown, Farmington Hills, MI -- 14 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 14 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 15 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 16 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Banner Tag The Kingsmen, whereabouts unknown -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Dropouts", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Here's a handy tip: Don't move your clocks forward or back an hour, like you're supposed to each Spring and Fall. By holding back that hour, you'll soon have enough saved up to take a day off from work! (Thanks to Jonathan Colan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Oct 16 22:51:17 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4691" "Thu" "16" "October" "1997" "23:47:42" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "122" "Top5 - 10/17/97 - Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths" nil nil nil "10" "1997101705:47:42" "Top5 - 10/17/97 - Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA07758; Thu, 16 Oct 97 22:51:01 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA19025; Thu, 16 Oct 97 22:49:00 PDT Received: from sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender3.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAM22650; Thu, 16 Oct 1997 23:47:42 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/17/97 - Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Thu, 16 Oct 1997 23:47:42 MDT Status: O ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Click here to go to our website (PSYCH!!) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Land Speed Records in Danger! Read up on the newest 233-MHz Notebook screamers from Dell and Quantex http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971017/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 17, 1997 The Top 16 Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths 16> Charleton Heston -- Shot by an ape cleaning its semi-automatic "hunting rifle" 15> Pamela Anderson Lee -- Boobytrap 14> Susan Lucci -- Tripped and broke her neck while running up steps to accept Emmy 13> Barry White -- Ambushed by a squad of confused Girl Scout leaders 12> Alanis Morissette -- Killed just after winning the lottery at age 98, in a car accident during a traffic jam on her own rainy wedding day while receiving a prepaid free ride from three women who look just like her but with worse hair. Whoa. 11> Anna Nicole Smith -- Suffocated while working out on a slant board 10> Jenny McCarthy -- Struck by a random thought 9> Marlon Brando -- Choked to death while eating buttered popcorn at 25th anniversary screening of "Last Tango in Paris" 8> Keith Richards -- Natural causes 7> RuPaul -- Prostate cancer 6> Madonna -- Exposure 5> Al Gore -- Dutch Elm disease 4> Keanu Reeves -- Brain tumor 3> Marv Albert -- Hit by Victoria's Secret delivery truck outside of Carpet World 2> Pee Wee Herman -- Died by his own hand and the Number 1 Most Ironic Celebrity Death... 1> Gallagher -- Killed by Smashing Pumpkins [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 146 submissions from 54 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 1 (1st #1!) Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 2, 6, 7 (Hat trick!) Barbara McMahon, Ann Arbor, MI -- 3 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 4, 15 (Hall of Famer) David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 5, Topic Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 8 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 8 Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 9 Rob Seulowitz, New York, NY -- 10 Vickie Neilson, Carlsbad, CA -- 11 Josh Robertson, Bronx, NY -- 12 Don Swain, Pontiac, MI -- 13 Jennifer O. Gall, Los Angeles, CA -- 14 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 14 Sue Prifogle, Rushville, IN -- 16 Robert Sullivan, Salem, OR -- Banner tag Spinal Tap, London, England -- Ambience The Kingsmen, Seattle-Tacoma, WA -- Yesterday's ambience David Hirning, Seattle-Tacoma, WA -- HasBeen musician finder Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Hit By Falling Spotlight", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances You know, when ol' Doc Jones got run over by an ambulance on his way to give a lecture on road safety, I remember thinking how ironic it would have been if that ambulance had been white. (Thanks to Chris Gahan) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Sun Oct 19 19:04:20 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5195" "Sun" "19" "October" "1997" "19:52:52" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "130" "Top5 - 10/20/97 - Little-Known Pop Music Facts" nil nil nil "10" "1997102001:52:52" "Top5 - 10/20/97 - Little-Known Pop Music Facts" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA00544; Sun, 19 Oct 97 19:04:11 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA27797; Sun, 19 Oct 97 19:03:27 PDT Received: from sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender1.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAM04673; Sun, 19 Oct 1997 19:52:52 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/20/97 - Little-Known Pop Music Facts Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Sun, 19 Oct 1997 19:52:52 MDT Status: O ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Excess use may have a laxative effect ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Battle of the Big Boys IBM's AntiVirus 3.0 goes head-to-head with Symantec's Norton AntiVirus 4.0. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971020/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 20, 1997 The Top 16 Little-Known Pop Music Facts 16> Approximately 5% of people who visit the Hard Rock Cafe go there for the food. 15> Bob Marley once confessed to shooting the deputy AND the sheriff, but in a special government deal, only plead guilty to the lesser count of "jammin'." 14> Mariah Carey is not only a pop diva, she has her own Amway distributorship. 13> Remarkably, the Grateful Dead NEVER did drugs, although Jerry Garcia did have a penchant for poppy seed bagels. 12> The Turtles? Happier *apart*, actually. 11> Contrary to popular belief, John Tesh's music DOES NOT suck -- Technically, what he performs cannot legally be classified as "music." 10> During performances, Tom Jones keeps Michael Jackson's original nose in his pants. 9> Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" was written in nineteen minutes after a particularly breathtaking tryst with then-British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. 8> Fiona Apple's real name? Fiona Pomegranate! 7> If all the Spice Girls CD's sold so far were laid end-to-end, it would be easier to run them over with my car. 6> Old social cause of 60's rockers: arms control. New social cause of 60's rockers: bladder control. 5> Rejected Spice Girl "Grotesque Spice" none other than Marilyn Manson. 4> During the wedding ceremony of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie, Elvis spun in his grave at a perfect 45 RPM. 3> The Spice Girls? All transvestites, and Julliard grads, to boot! 2> Early in their respective careers, Michael Jackson won the title, "King of Pop", from Bobby Goldsboro in a poker game. and the Number 1 Little-Known Pop Music Fact... 1> Village Person "The Senator"? None other than Jesse Helms. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 76 submissions from 27 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 1, 6 (2nd #1) Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 2 Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 3 Barbara Rush, Tulsa, OK -- 3 Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 4 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 5 Matt Diamond, Holland, PA -- 7 Neil Schwartzman, Toronto, Canada -- 8 (Rookie!) Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 9 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 10 Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY -- 11 R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA -- 11 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 13 Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 14 Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 15 Eric Huret, Atlanta, GA -- 16 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Topic Lori Carmona, Manassas, VA -- Banner tag They Might Be Giants, Brooklyn, NY -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Pop Tarts", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances The next time I'm at a Hollywood party, I'm going to pretend I'm shy and stand in a corner. Most people will think I'm a loner, but movie people will know I'm really just a good actor. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mon Oct 20 19:04:40 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["5160" "Mon" "20" "October" "1997" "19:49:17" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "128" "Top5 - 10/21/97 - Signs You've Bought a Stolen Car" nil nil nil "10" "1997102101:49:17" "Top5 - 10/21/97 - Signs You've Bought a Stolen Car" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA09766; Mon, 20 Oct 97 19:04:38 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA13063; Mon, 20 Oct 97 19:03:20 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAK23200; Mon, 20 Oct 1997 19:49:17 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/21/97 - Signs You've Bought a Stolen Car Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Mon, 20 Oct 1997 19:49:17 MDT Status: O ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Delivered in 30 nanoseconds or it's free ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Put Your Reports on the Web Crystal Reports 6.0 from Seagate Software, gives you a variety of ways to publish your reports online. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971021/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 21, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You've Just Bought a Stolen Car 15> When you ask why spare tire is in back seat, salesman winks and says, "Let's just say the trunk is full." 14> Your new Fiat *huge* glass sunroof, and it was "only driven on Sundays by a little old Catholic man." You do the math. 13> Regardless of the cool hood ornament, you're pretty sure Ferrari doesn't make trucks. 12> Seller explains that he needs to sell his trusty Trans-Am in the next half hour "because it doesn't fit my image as National Spokesman for Promise Keepers." 11> Damn thing attracts more cops than a burglary at Dunkin' Donuts. 10> Although the seller swears it belongs to his mom, there's a toupee on the dash, bite marks on the steering wheel, and the "pink slip" is an actual undergarment. 9> The vanity plate doesn't say "DLR", it says "DRUG DLR". 8> "Previous owner" insisted the transaction take place at the docks at 1:00 a.m., and keeps asking, "You sure you're not a cop?" 7> Rear bench has integrated baby seat with real integrated baby included. 6> You bought it outside a football stadium, it's shaped like a hot dog, and there's a guy dressed in a bun chasing after you. 5> You're an accountant named Mort who is suddenly being chased by a car full of "crips." 4> Turns out that wasn't Mariah Carey on the radio, it was the theft alarm going off. 3> Backseat contains fifteen dead clowns. 2> While the 10-year, 100,000-mile warranty is awfully generous, it's written on the back of a napkin from Hooters. and the Number 1 Sign You've Just Bought a Stolen Car... 1> Instead of that "new car smell", it smells like 5-10 in Sing Sing. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 110 submissions from 40 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA -- 1 (3rd #1) Alexander Clemens, San Francisco, CA -- 2, 10 Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 2 Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 3 Bruce Ansley, Baltimore -- 4, 7, 10 (Hat trick! / Hall of Famer) Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 5, 6 Joel McClure, Royal Oak, MI -- 7, Banner Tag Barbara Rush, Tulsa, OK -- 7 Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 8 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 8 Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- 9, 13 Don Horton, Sacramento, CA -- 10 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 11 Randy Wohl, Ma'ale Adumim, Israel -- 12 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 14 Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 14 David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 14 Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 15 Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- Topic The Cars, Boston, MA -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "The Lemonheads", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances Ruminations and Ponderances is a way to glimpse the inner workings of the razor-sharp minds of Top 5 List contributors... I guess. I mean, it's probably something like that. (Thanks to Ed Smith) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Tue Oct 21 19:05:36 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4550" "Tue" "21" "October" "1997" "19:57:14" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "119" "Top5 - 10/22/97 - Signs the Ump is Losing It" nil nil nil "10" "1997102201:57:14" "Top5 - 10/22/97 - Signs the Ump is Losing It" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA20509; Tue, 21 Oct 97 19:05:24 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA01383; Tue, 21 Oct 97 19:04:12 PDT Received: from sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender5.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAK22141; Tue, 21 Oct 1997 19:57:14 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/22/97 - Signs the Ump is Losing It Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Tue, 21 Oct 1997 19:57:14 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Meanwhile, back at the ranch... ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Six .DLL files needed to run NetWare utilities under Windows 95. - PLUS - Carlos Carrillo has four hot files for download in this month's Shareware. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971022/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 22, 1997 The Top 15 Signs the Umpire is Losing It 15> After falling under Hanson's spell, starts calling Mmmstrikes, Mmmballs and Mmmouts. 14> Insists his name is Enrico Pallazzo. 13> Takes foul tips off his forehead to prove his love for Jodie Foster. 12> Throws Ken Griffey, Jr. out of the game for something Ken Griffey, Sr. did twenty years ago. 11> Regularly accepts rides home from the ball park with Harry Carey. 10> Guzzles Gatorade out of his protective cup. 9> Swears he never got the memo about rollerblades. 8> Orders stadium management to open the retractable roof, because "chicks dig convertibles." 7> Goes through multiple costume changes during "YMCA" in 7th inning stretch. 6> Batters who go down swinging get a pineapple Jolly Rancher and a gentle pat on the head. 5> Chest protector made from giant wheel of smoked Gouda. 4> Uses a leafblower to clean home plate. 3> Shows up in a tube top, hot pants and platform shoes and demands to be referred to as "Umpy Spice." 2> Has begun to spit on his *own* face. and the Number 1 Sign the Umpire is Losing It... 1> After putting on mask, asks each batter, "Have the lambs stopped crying, Clarise?" [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 104 submissions from 37 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 1, 5 (5th #1) Jay Allen, Long Beach, CA -- 2 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 3 (Hall of Famer) Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 4, 9 Bo Williams, Huntsville, AL -- 6 Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 7, 13 Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 8 Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 10 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 11 Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 12 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 13 Gene Markins-Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 14 Jennifer Bieneman, Grand Rapids, MI -- 15 Betsy Edgerton, Marysville, WA -- Topic Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Banner Tag The Outfield, whereabouts unimportant -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Fall of the Roman Umpire", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances When I was a kid I wanted to be a clown, until I saw the TV reports of that serial killer who dressed as a clown. The bastard stole my idea! (Thanks to Dan Lantz) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Wed Oct 22 19:05:24 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4038" "Wed" "22" "October" "1997" "19:48:58" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "111" "Top5 - 10/23/97 - The Seven Wonders of the Modern World" nil nil nil "10" "1997102301:48:58" "Top5 - 10/23/97 - The Seven Wonders of the Modern World" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA01971; Wed, 22 Oct 97 19:05:17 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA19718; Wed, 22 Oct 97 19:04:18 PDT Received: from sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender4.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAI12758; Wed, 22 Oct 1997 19:48:58 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/23/97 - The Seven Wonders of the Modern World Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Wed, 22 Oct 1997 19:48:58 MDT ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T Read. Rinse. Repeat. ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources Money vs. Quicken In this corner, heavyweight champion, Quicken. In the opposite corner, the challenger, Money98. http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971023/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 23, 1997 The Top 16 Candidates for The Seven Wonders of the Modern World 16> The Mindnumbingly Long Lines of Disneyland 15> The Laserama Spectacular behind the Great Pyramid of Giza 14> The Weighty Conscience of Orenthal James 13> The Great Statue of Gore 12> The Towering Hair of Don King 11> The Mighty Member of Wilt 10> The Perpetual Sitcoms of Tom Arnold 9> The Unnaturally Taut Skin of Joan Rivers 8> The Whip of Miracle 7> The Inexplicable Career of Guttenberg 6> The Five Noses of Jacko 5> The Hanging Testicles of The Rolling Stones 4> The Detachable Unit of Bobbitt 3> The Talking Buttocks of Carrey 2> Martha Stewart's No-Fuss Cheesecake and the Number 1 Candidate for The Seven Wonders of the Modern World... 1> The Mighty Molars of Marv [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 118 submissions from 47 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 1 (11th #1) Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA -- 1 (3rd #1) Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 2 Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 3, Banner Tag Patrick New, Chicago, IL -- 4, 12 Tisha Stacey, Lisle, IL -- 4, 9 Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 5, 11, 13 (Hat trick!) Phil Doyle, Mercer Island, WA -- 6, 12 Rob Winchell, Arlington, MA -- 7 Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL -- 8 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 10 Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 11 (Hall of Famer) John Hering, Alexandria, VA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Stephen Pace, Houston, TX -- 14 Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 15 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 16 (Hall of Famer) Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Topic Steveland Morris, Detroit, MI -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "The Seven Dwarves", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances If time were a color, I bet it would be a tasteful off-white. (Thanks to Greg Parrish) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================ From top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Thu Oct 23 19:07:45 1997 X-VM-v5-Data: ([nil t nil nil nil nil nil nil nil] ["4572" "Thu" "23" "October" "1997" "19:47:08" "MDT" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "top5@lists.zdnet.com" "" "118" "Top5 - 10/24/97 - Trouble on the Fleetwood Mac Tour" nil nil nil "10" "1997102401:47:08" "Top5 - 10/24/97 - Trouble on the Fleetwood Mac Tour" nil nil nil] nil) Received: from csvax.cs.caltech.edu by vlsi.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA12288; Thu, 23 Oct 97 19:07:43 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.infobeat.com by csvax.cs.caltech.edu (4.1/1.34.1) id AA07547; Thu, 23 Oct 97 19:04:33 PDT Received: from sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com) by sender2.lodo.in.merc.com (version 3.32, queueup copyright InfoBeat, Inc. 1997) with stdio id CALTECHAABAI19848; Thu, 23 Oct 1997 19:47:08 MDT To: adam at xent dot com Message-Id: From: top5@lists.zdnet.com Priority: normal Subject: Top5 - 10/24/97 - Trouble on the Fleetwood Mac Tour Errors-To: top5-errors@lists.zdnet.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Thu, 23 Oct 1997 19:47:08 MDT Status: O ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T We hated paparazzi before it was cool! ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources The Fastest Windows PCs 600MHz of Pure Power! Two screamers from Enorex and Polywell http://www.zdnet.com/chkpt/wnsa971024/www.winsources.com ================================================================ October 24, 1997 The Top 15 Signs of Trouble on the Fleetwood Mac Tour 15> Stevie Nicks's shawl now used for warmth, not fashion. 14> The Clintons leave early, feigning illness. 13> Mick Fleetwood no longer just looks like a dirty old man, he IS a dirty old man. 12> Rehearsal time scarce, between AA meetings, tarot readings, attorney consultations & the search for the perfect bon bon. 11> Stevie taking Thanksgiving Day off to appear in Macy's parade this year. 10> Security thugs get out of hand after downing a case of Metamucil. 9> Distinct possibility of WonderBra collapse threatens nearby homes. 8> Confused seniors in audience keep yelling for "Hotel California." 7> Half the audience believes that Stevie Nicks has been replaced by Sally Struthers. 6> More trailer trucks carrying beauty aids than musical equipment. 5> Harvey Fierstein filling in for Stevie more and more frequently. 4> Irony of "Fleetwood Mac Tour - Sold Out" T-shirts lost on aging boomer fans. 3> After age 40, the "cute hippy chick" look mysteriously changes into the "nutty bag lady" look. 2> Stevie's twirls, coupled with her bladder problem, leave the front row wetter than at a Gallagher concert. and the Number 1 Sign of Trouble on the Fleetwood Mac Tour... 1> "Tusk" now refers to Christine McVie's stubborn nose hair. [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] Selected from 91 submissions from 38 contributors. Today's Top Five List authors are: ---------------------------------------------------------------- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 1 (3rd #1) Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 2, 8 Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- 3 Martell Stroup, Reno, NV -- 4 Caroline Gennity, Virginia Beach, VA -- 5 (Hall of Famer) Denis Rubin, Los Angeles, CA -- 6 Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 7 Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 9 Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 10, 13, 15 (Hat trick!) Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 11 Steve Hurd, San Ramon, CA -- 12 Neil Schwartzman, Montreal, Quebec, Canada -- 14 John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- Topic Tom White, Starkville, MS -- Banner tag Stevie Ray Vaughn & Double Trouble, Austin -- Ambience Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor ---------------------------------------------------------------- Today's Runners Up list, "Ugly Rumours", can be found at our website: http://www.topfive.com ================================================================ T H E T O P F I V E L I S T To subscribe: Send mail to top5-on@lists.zdnet.com To unsubscribe: Send mail to top5-off@lists.zdnet.com For more information: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "INFO" in the *subject* line of the message. To report a sighting of a Top Five List in other media: Send mail to top5@walrus.com with "BINGO!" in the *subject*. ================================================================ Ruminations & Ponderances I don't see why people waste good money buying blenders. A garbage disposal works just as well, and it comes with the apartment. (Thanks to Paul Paternoster) ================================================================ Sponsored by Windows Sources http://www.winsources.com This delivery powered by InfoBeat, Inc. http://www.infobeat.com ================================================================