APPLICATION FOR RESIDENCY IN THE STATE OF ALABAMA 1. Your name is (Check one): ( ) Billy ( ) Calvin ( ) Eli ( ) Harvey ( ) Homer ( ) Jimmie ( ) Junior ( ) Leonard ( ) Leroy ( ) Luther ( ) Oscar ( ) Mordechai a. Nichname:___________________ b. CB Handle:_______________________ 2. Address (RFD#):________________________________________________________ 3. Daddy (If unknown, attach list of 3 suspects):_________________________ 4. Mama:______________________ 5. Number of brothers/sisters_____________ 6. Are you married to: ( ) Sister ( ) Cousin ( ) Sow ( ) Other Relative Do you know her name?__________________________________________ Does your wife weigh more than your truck? ( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) Likely 7. Number of weeks employed:_________ On welfare:________ in the last year. 8. Your neck shade (check one): ( ) Light red ( ) Medium red ( ) Dark red 9. Number of dependents: (Legal)___________ (Claimed) _____________________ 10. Length of Right Leg:_______ inches. Lenght of Left Leg:________ inches. 11. Type of pick-up owned:_________________________________________________ a. Year:____________ b. Height of Truck__________________________ c. Is any portion of your truck painted primer red (The official state color)?_________ What part(s)?________________________________ d. Average number of beer cans on floorboards of pick-up truck:_________________________________________________________ e. Truck equipped with (check all that apply): ( ) Gun rack ( ) 4-wheel drive ( ) Eight Track ( ) Load of wood ( ) Big dog ( ) Fuzz buster ( ) Mag wheels ( ) Dual CB Antenna ( ) Camper Top ( ) Spitoon ( ) Mud flaps ( ) Spit Staines ( ) Bumper hitch ( ) Spit stains ( ) Air horns ( ) Hijacker shocks ( ) Raccoon Hide ( ) Deer Antlers ( ) Confederate flag f. Bumper stickers on truck (regardless of location): ( ) Eat More Possum ( ) Redman Chewing Tobacco ( ) Honk if your love Jesus ( ) Honk if your Horny ( ) Elvis is Alive ( ) My Other car is a piece of shit, too ( ) BOCEPHUS ( ) Get off my Ass ( ) Other:____________________________________________________________ 12. Weapons owned: ( ) Deer Rifle ( ) Scatter Gun ( ) Log Chain ( ) Sawed-off shotgun ( ) Balin' Hook ( ) Varmit Rifle ( ) Axe Handle ( ) Tire Iron a. Which are normally carried on your person?__________________________ b. In your truck?______________________________________________________ 13. Favorite Recreation: ( ) Drankin' ( ) Possum Huntin' ( ) Bull Chip Throwin' ( ) Craw Daddin' ( ) Four Wheelin' ( ) Gospel Sangin' ( ) Skinny Dippin' ( ) Fightin' ( ) Fishin' ( ) Puckin' ( ) Spittin' Backy ( ) Square dancin' 14. Emblem on your favorite cap: ( ) CAT ( ) NAPA ( ) Budweiser ( ) McCullough ( ) Coors ( ) John Deer ( ) P. B. R. ( ) Skoal 15. Define the following (must be 90% correct): a. brogans - ____________________________________________ b. chitlins - ____________________________________________ c. cobbler - ____________________________________________ d. fatback - ____________________________________________ e. goobers - ____________________________________________ f. collards - ____________________________________________ g. grits - ____________________________________________ h. muscadina - ____________________________________________ i. pig skins - ____________________________________________ j. pinto beans - ____________________________________________ k. poke - ____________________________________________ l. redeye gravy - ____________________________________________ n. shit on a shingle - ____________________________________________ o. sidemeat - ____________________________________________ p. soppin' syrup - ____________________________________________ q. spam - ____________________________________________ r. taters - ____________________________________________ s. tote - ____________________________________________ t. turnip salad - ____________________________________________ 16. Favorite Sanger: ( ) Donna Fargo ( ) Conway Twitty ( ) Jonny Cash ( ) Elvis (mandatory) ( ) Hank Junior ( ) Loretta Lynn ( ) Porter waggoner ( ) Willie Nelson ( ) George jones ( ) Slim Whitman ( ) Tammy Wynette ( ) Boxcar Willie 17. Club Memberships: ( ) K.K.K. ( ) N.R.A. ( ) 700 Club ( ) P.T.L. ( ) Four H ( ) B.A.S.S. ( ) Sons of the confederacy (mandatory) 18. Number of dogs owned (Do not include kinfolk):______________________ Type: ( ) Blue Tick ( ) Beagle ( ) Redbone ( ) Black 'n' Tan ( ) Mutt 19. Number of cars on block in front yard:_________________________________ 20. How many kitchen appliances do you keep on your front porch?____________ How many of them work?_____________________ 21. Do you wear: ( ) snagged polyeter pants ( ) denim britches ( ) shorts 22. Do you own any shoes? ( ) Yes ( ) No If so, hom many?_____________ Year you last bought shoes:__________________________ 23. Highest grade completed in school: _______________ If higher than 8th grade, reason why:___________________________________________________ 24. Can you sign your name and spell it correctly every time? ( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) Maybe 25. Do you know any words that have more than four letters? ( ) Yes ( ) No If so list them here:___________________________ 26. Have you ever had more than one bath in a week? ( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) What's a bath 27. Can you count past ten with your shoes on? ( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) never tried .....past twenty with your fly up? ( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) never tried 28. What do you prefer to drink? ( ) Iced tea ( ) Budweiser ( ) Everclear ( ) Mad Dog 20/20 ( ) Jack daniels ( ) Boones's farm ( ) Jim Beam ( ) Rotgut Moonshine ( ) Coors 29. Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend? ( ) Yes ( ) No If so, why?_____________________________________________________ 30. Medical Information: a. Do you have any of the following? (check all that apply): ( ) trench mouth ( ) bad breath ( ) crotch crickets ( ) body odor ( ) runny nose ( ) head lice ( ) missing front teeth ( ) obvious warts ( ) crabs b. Do you show any of the following classic signs of inbreeding? Check all that apply (Minimum three required): ( ) Closely-set eyes ( ) Misaligned ears ( ) Hairs Shoulders ( ) Vacant Stare ( ) Low Forehead ( ) Slight Limp ( ) Slack Jaw ( ) Speech Impediment ( ) IQ of a Carrot I certify that the above information is true and correct to the best of my knowledge. Signature ("X" must be witnessed): ____________________________________ Witness (if "X" is used): _____________________________________ Today's Date (if known): _____________________________________ (BTW this is supposed to follow up the Governor of Arkansas posting) *** YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NATIVE OF ALABAMA IF...... 1. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take the wheels off. 2. You've ever used lard in bed. 3. You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre. 4. You think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper are quality entertainment. 5. Less than half the cars you own run. 6. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to "kiss her ass." 7. The primary color of your car is "BOND-O." 8. Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road." 9. You honest-to-God think that women are turned on by animal noises and tongue gestures. 10. Your family tree doesn't fork. 11. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. 12. You've ever hollered "rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital. 13. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. 14. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. 15. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle. 16. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. 17. The diplomas hanging in your den include "The Trucking Institute." 18. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. 19. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. 20. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. 21. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. 22. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the grease rack. 23. You've ever been too drunk to fish. 24. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. 25. You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken. 26. You use a rag for a gas cap. 27. Your lifetime goal is to be an AMWAY distributor. 28. Your front porch falls and kills more than three dogs. 29. You've ever won a spitting contest. 30. You answer more than half the questions asked you with "Do What?" 31. You've actually created new meaning for the term "Stump Broke." 32. Your wife has better tatoos than you do. 33. Arriving home from vacation, you suffer from tractor lag.