Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news From: dmitri@cco.caltech.edu (Dmitri Linde) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Canonical List of Bobbitt Jokes Date: 15 Jan 1994 07:37:37 GMT Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena Lines: 167 Distribution: world Message-ID: <2h86g1$in9@gap.cco.caltech.edu> Reply-To: dmitri@cco.caltech.edu (Dmitri Linde) NNTP-Posting-Host: dmitri.caltech.edu Canonical List of Bobbitt Jokes ================================ This is an attempt to make a list of Bobbitt jokes floating around the net. If you know a Bobbitt joke which is not on this list, please, send it to dmitri@cco.caltech.edu and I will add it to the list. - Dmitri Linde WARNING: some of these jokes are considered "semi-x-rated": please take this into consideration when distributing this list. ------- When John Bobbitt dates women do you think he tells them that he is unattached? ------- It seems the Bobbitt incident was all a misunderstanding. Lorena was upset about how her husband was treating her and asked a counselor what she should do. The counselor suggested that she might "try a separation". ------- They're making some movies about Bobbitt: Free Willy Gone With the Wand The Silence of the Loins The Dong of the South ------- I hear Lorena's going to do an infomercial about Ginsu knives. ------- Did you hear about the new John Wayne Bobbitt doll? Some assembly is required. ------- Did you hear the reason of Lorena Bobbitt's not guilty plea? She claimed he asked to be "wacked off". ------- Did you hear that the prosecution is having a hard time making the charges stick? Seems the evidence won't stand in court. ------- Did you know that Lorena Bobbitt really did want to have sex with her husband? She just wanted it `to go'. ------- Lorena was offered $1 million to say she used a ginsu. ------- Guess who is the new product spokesman for Sears snap-on tools? John. ------- Lorena was charged with one count of malicious injury and one count of highway littering. ------- Lorena was offered $1 million to say she used a ginsu. ------- Now that other women will surely imitate Lorena, we are pleased to offer the Jurassic Prick program. We take a sample of DNA from your organ and clone it, so you could quickly have a replacement in case the organ is not found after detachment. For a cheaper alternative, we will print a unique serial number so that in case the object in question is found on a highway you could be sure that it is yours. ------- BIG JOHN WAYNE Bobbitt Big John was a lad of great lust Had a wife who was filled with distrust One night while he slept With a knife, in she crept As a lover Big John's now a bust. There once was a Bobbitt named John Who thought he was quite the Don Juan His wife disagreed So the next time he wee'd John couldn't locate his wand. Lorena wished John could be nicer But he wasn't much of a de-icer If she finds a new spouse Let us hope he's no louse Or we might have our first serial slicer Big John Bobbitt might have been hipper Had he kept his hot hands from his zipper But to his wifey's dismay Big John leaped to the fray The results would have pleased Jack the Ripper. A surgeon was filled with great tension Trying to sew on a thing we can't mention He stitched and he sewed Used all the skills that he knowed But the wee thing won't stand at attention. John Bobbitt was never a loner In fact, he was known as a roamer His wife seized his prize And cut him to size Now he is his own organ donor. There was once a crime most venal One might say 'twas inches from renal It wasn't for sport That she made him so short Her intentions were nothing but penal. The Bobbitt case sure is a dilly Though it sounds a little bit silly He said she's the hacker Who lopped off his whacker She said she was only trying to Free Willy. There once was a man from Manassas Who was fond of sleeping with lasses His wife had enough So she chopped off his stuff Now let's see him try to make passes. There once was a lady named Bobbitt Who got so fed up that she lopped it She said, "I'm sorry, honey, But your conduct's not funny," And she very efficiently stopped it. There once was a place in Virginia Where a gal snipped it off like a zinnia She whipped back the sheets Ignored his sad bleats And attacked like a professional ninja. John Bobbitt's detractors will scoff For it seems the judgment's been soft He's been retrofitted And now he's acquitted That's the last time he ever gets off. Have you heard of the outrage so heinous that it brought bitter tears to dame Venus? But 'twas neither the knife, nor the knave, nor the wife But the wags who were really obscenest.