From: gvg@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM (Greg Goebel) Date: Fri, 14 Jan 1994 17:37:06 GMT Subject: Ashleigh Brilliant POT SHOTS Message-ID: <3300426@hplvec.LVLD.HP.COM> Organization: Hewlett-Packard Co., Loveland, CO Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!sdd.hp.com!hpscit.sc.hp.com!hplextra!hpfcso!hplvec!gvg Newsgroups: rec.humor Lines: 426 * POTSHOTS BY ASHLEIGH EDWARD BRILLIANT: NOT NOW and maybe not later, either. WE'LL ALWAYS STAY ON GOOD TERMS as long as they're my terms. FOLLOW ME! It's better for us to be lost together. One good reason for trusting me is that many other foolish people already trust me. IT'S NOT FAIR THE WAY YOU KEEP RETALIATING AGAINST MY UNPROVOKED ATTACKS. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANY FURTHER TROUBLE I CAN GIVE YOU ... An unfair method sometimes used to gain control of an organization is to attend all the meetings. IF YOU CAN'T GO AROUND IT, OVER IT, OR THROUGH IT THEN YOU HAD BETTER NEGOTIATE WITH IT. Inside every older person, And outside that younger person there's a younger person, is the older person, wondering what happened. laughing at him. -- gvg Some people can find all the peace of mind they want in a good, satisfying conflict. LET'S PUT THE BLAME WHERE IT BELONGS: On somebody else. THE MORE SURE YOU ARE THE MORE WRONG YOU CAN BE. Everything I am today I owe to people whom it is now too late to punish. BEWARE! I can do great harm to myself, and blame it all on you. It would be easier for me to reject all established values if I knew what they were ... IT'S ALL VERY SIMPLE, or else it's all very complex, or perhaps it's neither, or both. If you never try anything new, you'll miss some of the world's great disappointments. I TRY TO TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME, but sometimes several days attack me at once. Unlike most people, I'm just an average person. IN MY OWN SMALL WAY, I AM HELPING PEOPLE if only by leaving most of them alone. COLD COMFORT: Some of the worst things I've done have probably been forgotten by everyone but me. I WAS EDUCATED ONCE and it took me years to get over it. I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less. According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are worthless. THE SHOW MUST GO ON but I don't have to stay and watch. YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO AROUSE VARIOUS EMOTIONS IN ME. Please select carefully. IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE A FRIENDLY FACE -- could you make yours a little friendlier? IF WE ALL DO WHAT WE BELIEVE IS RIGHT there will assuredly be utter chaos. Many people don't realize my importance immediately, and a surprising number never realize it at all. I HAVE NO PREJUDICES: all my hatreds are based on solid evidence. DON'T LET YOURSELF SUFFER NEEDLESSLY! Find a need to suffer. Today's children are required to learn what most people in former times were forbidden to know. NOT ALL OUR ARTISTS ARE PLAYING A JOKE ON THE PUBLIC -- SOME OF THEM ARE GENUINELY MAD. TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY and I hope it's not a day like this one. I'LL LISTEN TO YOUR UNREASONABLE DEMANDS IF YOU'LL CONSIDER MY UNACCEPTABLE OFFER. I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU but there's nobody else around to bore. INFORM THE TROOPS THAT ALL COMMUNICATIONS HAVE COMPLETELY BROKEN DOWN. I live in a world of my own, but visitors are always welcome. THE TIME FOR ACTION IS PAST! Now is the time for senseless bickering. The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right. NO MAN IS AN ISLAND but some of us are long peninsulas. It's possible that my whole purpose in life is simply as a warning to others. YOUR REASONING IS EXCELLENT. It's your basic assumptions that are wrong. BY DOING JUST A LITTLE EVERY DAY I CAN GRADUALLY LET THE TASK COMPLETELY OVERWHELM ME. SOMEDAY I'LL GET MY BIG CHANCE or have I already had it? I hope the day after I die is a nice day. The odds are a million to one of my being one in a million. BEEN THROUGH HELL? AND WHAT DID YOU BRING BACK FOR ME? MY SOURCES ARE UNRELIABLE, but their information is fascinating. As long as I have you, I can endure all the troubles you invariably bring. BY STAYING AT THE REAR OF THE ADVANCE, you can be at the forefront of the retreat. [%%] * POTSHOT CLONES 1: My own imitations on a theme, dedicated to Corvallis, Oregon, 1981:1983: "It's not the fall that hurts, it's the sudden stop at the end." GULLIBLE AND INSECURE? TAKE HEART. You're certain to find someone arrogant and manipulative to help you. IF YOU TRY HARD AND PERSEVERE you will eventually gain our utter contempt. IT WOULD BE EASIER TO FULFILL MY SENSE OF SOCIAL OBLIGATION if fulfilling it didn't annoy everyone so much. GOOD LUCK ON YOUR CRUSADE. Send me a report when you're done. THANKS TO HIGHER EDUCATION AND MASS COMMUNICATIONS ignorance and superstition have been brought to new and undreamed-of levels of sophistication. JUST BECAUSE IT'S HARD DOESN'T MEAN IT'S WORTHWHILE. I HAVE NO OBJECTIONS TO CONFORMISM. I just never figured out how to make it pay. TO HELL WITH ALL THOSE PEOPLE who don't love humanity as much as I do. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CRITICISMS -- WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR? If I find one, I'll let you know. I AM EAGER TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR PROBLEMS. No problems? Let me make some for you. WHEN YOU'VE FINALLY SAVED THE WORLD FROM ALL THE FOOLISH PEOPLE who saves it from you? YOU DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF CONFUSION AND MISERY until you have searched for enlightenment and happiness. HOW ARROGANT OF YOU NOT TO ACCEPT my obvious superiority. IF I HAVE TO RIDE IN THE BACK OF THE BUS I'd rather walk. I CAN ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE POMPOUS AND HUMORLESS. I just don't understand why you are proud of it. I AM SO VERY FORTUNATE THAT MY PERSONAL LIFESTYLE is such a perfect reflection of the absolute good. ONCE I FELT A NEED TO BELONG AND BE ACCEPTED. Fortunately, I got over it. Instead of wondering: WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING? -- you might ask instead: WHY DO YOU THINK IT SHOULD? SINCE YOU STARTED PUTTING UP A FIGHT it's not fun to harass you any more. THANKS TO THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO HELP ME WITH MY PROBLEMS I finally realized the problem was the people who wanted to help me with my problems. [%%] * POTSHOT CLONES 2: More of my own clones from later years, much less cynical. MONEY WON'T BUY HAPPINESS but it's good for a few laughs every now and then. FOR SOME, FAMILIARITY DOES NOT BREED CONTEMPT. It simply gives them a chance to express it. THIS BOOK IS SO PROFOUND it bores me to death. YOU CAN'T BEAT A LOUDMOUTH AT HIS OWN GAME. I MAY BE MARCHING TO A DIFFERENT DRUM but that's only because it's the only drum I can hear. HIDDEN ASSUMPTIONS ARE LIKE MINES: You're never aware of them until they blow up in your face. I'M SURE I'M NOT THE SILLIEST FOOL ON THE PLANET. I just happen to be the one I know the best. WHEN IN DOUBT be quiet. AFTER DEALING WITH PEOPLE OF STRONG CONVICTIONS I think there's something positive to be said for being wishy-washy. A THICK SKIN IS A VIRTUE as long as it doesn't go all the way through your head. SIMPLY BECAUSE I REJECT YOUR POSITION does not mean I embrace its opposite. IF YOU'RE NOT BRINGING ANYTHING TO THE PARTY why are you going? SOMETIMES YOU CAN EARN PEOPLE'S RESPECT just by keeping your mouth shut until they get used to you. ROTATE LEFT, ROTATE RIGHT, still a crank. THERE'S NO NEED TO BE CONCERNED. Your approval is not required. I NEVER CALL SOMEONE A FRIEND if they're not around to deny it. THE ESSENCE OF HUMILITY is to put yourself in someone else's shoes and ask if you could do better. JUST BECAUSE I HAD IT COMING TO ME doesn't mean you're not on my blacklist for doing it to me. I HELP OTHERS WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY ARISES. The rest of the time I help myself. GETTING OUT OF THE MILITARY IS LIKE REACHING THE BOTTOM AFTER FALLING DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. You don't feel so good, but at least you're glad there isn't any more. LIFE IS A JOKE. Fortunately, I think it's a pretty good one. TROUBLESHOOTING A COMPUTER OVER A PHONE IS LIKE HAVING SEX THROUGH A HOLE IN A BOARD FENCE. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT has no bearing on whether it is true or not. IT IS EASY TO PLEASE THOSE WHO ARE EASILY PLEASED. It is absolutely impossible to please someone who is not. PLAUSIBLE ARGUMENTS CAN BE CONSTRUCTED for the dumbest ideas. IF YOU CAN'T WIN BIG BATTLES win lots of little ones. I'M NOT BIG ON CONSPIRACY THEORIES as I see things happen more by accident than by design. I TRY TO RESPECT MY ELDERS. I doubt they're wiser than I am, but I'm certain they've taken more abuse. DAY TO DAY LIFE requires a certain small but unceasing courage. THE OLDER I GET THE MORE I UNDERSTAND why people become alcoholics. WHAT FUN IS IT TO BE AN EXPERT if you have to make yourself easy to understand? IF YOU WERE HANGING OFF A CLIFF, I WOULD HELP YOU UP. But I would think it over a while before I did it. I'VE NEVER HAD BAD LUCK. Just fits of stupidity. IT'S EASY TO KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUTE TOWARD THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU if you don't pay too much attention to them. I LIKE TO THINK I AM A GOOD-NATURED PERSON despite the lack of supporting evidence. BODY LANGUAGE, VAGUE AS IT IS is much less misleading than the spoken word. IF YOU CAN'T MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE you can at least not make it worse. [%%] * POTSHOT CLONES 3: By others, anonymous and otherwise. STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD and you get hit by traffic going both ways. THE MORE CRAP YOU TAKE, THE MORE CRAP YOU GET. THE NEXT BEST THING TO DOING SOMETHING SMART is not doing something stupid. AN EASILY UNDERSTOOD, VALID HALF-TRUTH is more useful than a detailed, incomprehensible truth. THIS IS SERVITUDE to serve the unwise. -- John Milton YOU CAN'T LOSE WHAT YOU AIN'T GOT, YOU CAN'T MISS WHAT YOU AIN'T NEVER HAD. I ain't bitter, I'm just bitter-sweet. -- Roland Kirk I'D KICK MY OWN MOTHER IN THE BALLS IF SHE LAID A RAP ON ME LIKE THAT. -- Cheech Wizard IT'S ALWAYS EASY TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP and always impossible to take two steps at a time. -- Seymour Cray IT IS EASY TO BE KIND TO PEOPLE FOR WHOM ONE CARES NOTHING. -- Oscar Wilde FLATTERERS LOOK LIKE FRIENDS the way wolves look like dogs. A MAN HAS MADE GREAT PROGRESS IN CUNNING when he does not seem too clever to others. RE-ENLISTING IS LIKE SMACKING YOURSELF IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER TWICE to see if it hurt the first time. -- PJ Czahor NEVER WRESTLE A PIG. You both get dirty, but the pig likes it. DEALING WITH THE GOVERNMENT IS LIKE KICKING A 300-POUND SPONGE. PRIDE MAKES SOME MEN RIDICULOUS but prevents others from becoming so. IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE no one will like it. MANY TIMES I HAVE WANTED TO STOP TALKING and find out what I really believed. IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO UNDERSTAND THINGS in order to argue about them. OUR FRIENDS ABANDON US ONLY TOO EASILY and our enemies are implacable. -- Voltaire KINDNESS IS IN OUR POWER, but fondness is not. -- Dr. Johnson [<>] Wile E. Coyote at the Acme Online Support Organization For The SouthWest "ACME -- The Name You Can Trust!" -- +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | DISCLAIMER | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Who cares what I think? I don't take MYSELF seriously, why should you? | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Greg Goebel NET: gvg@hpislsup | | Hewlett-Packard HP DESK: GREG GOEBEL | | VXD Marketing PHONE: Telnet/303 679-3424 | | POB 301 / MS-CU326 / Loveland CO 80539 FAX: Telnet/303 679-5957 | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+