Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!not-for-mail
From: kortenho@tidalwave.med.ge.com (Dean Kortenhoven 4-6304 ~BHOSVWZ#077)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: humor (I hope)
Date: 17 Jan 1994 13:30:56 -0600
Organization: UTexas Mail-to-News Gateway
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Message-ID: <9401171929.AA24793@tidalwave.med.ge.com>
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Here is my first attempt at a man page.....enjoy.
Comments (Good and Bad) welcome.
Send flames to /dev/null.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SAg5SE5$%E$d (?)	        LUNIX COMMANDS			G($%KM<Fargd (?)


NAME
	a*4ns@jj(*^d - Lunix Operating System Security Daemon

SYNOPSIS
	/dk*/agl(f*/Ppisi%i^i~./amVVc+sd [-abfs] [number]

DESCRIPTION
	di(I))@2n&d  is LUNIX's new state-of-the-art security system.  Using the
latest encryption and anti-hack technology available cmios*#$N5kd has reached a
level of security for the operating system never before attained.  The 
executable daemon once started immediately begins by starting a subordinate
daemon that continuously encrypts the daemon's filename.  After the first
version of ai&AFas'a($d was started, no one has ever been able to again 
determine the actual name of the executable. To further deter access to the
executable, the daemon's subordinate daemon continuously encrypts the directory
pathname to the daemon's location.

	The subordinate daemon is itself undetectable as its filename is
unprintable control characters, it starts execution using an illegal process
id number, runs exclusively between the video processor and the serial uart 
(thus not utilizing any CPU cycles), and moves itself around memory using a 
random number routine that mutates its algorithm by using imaginary numbers as
a multi-level key. See        d(?c).

	If jarwW$%vS13d detect a violation of its Central Unified Frontline
deFense System (CUFFS), it begins by executing redalertd which goes out and
using high CPR (Collide Packets Repetitively) protocol locks out all network
gateway, routing, bridge, transciever, and all other information passing 
devices on the network indefinitely, completely securing the subnet.  It then
execute bedd (Book 'Em Dano daemon) to find out the ethernet address of the
workstation where the offending instruction originated.  The ethernet address
is then passed to the bjbd (Bond, James Bond daemon) which flashes a random
orbital sensory destimulation pattern on the screen of the offending workstation
in an attempt to stun the suspect user and simultaneously releases a small
amount of nerve gas hidden in a secret compartment in the keyboard.
Simultaneously the courtmarshalld executes BIND (Bring It Near Death) on the
OS Kernel, stopping all I/O, I/O/U, and B/O.

	To free up the subnet the System Administrator must run ninjad which
goes out and kills readalertd, bedd, bjbd, and BIND.  Ninjad attempts to locate
csjha&*sad23d and its subordinate daemon but always fail due to the encryption
scheme, thus causing ninjad to kill itself in shame, effectively freeing up
the subnet but leaving the security in tact.

OPTIONS
	a (nl)	- attack the offending user with high voltage instead of trying
to stun and subdue him. (n)on-lethal or (l)ethal are valid parameters for this
option. 

	b	- instead of using a random number routine that mutates its
algorithm to hide the subordinate daemon, use randomly generated bowling scores.

	f(time) -send fixed time length ninjad to kill runaway, berzerk ninjad
originally sent to kill other daemons.  Runaway ninjas can be caused by weak
system concentration. Only one ninjad can kill another ninjad

	s	- secure all data, on all servers, by overwriting with zeros.

	number	- this is the phone number of the local CIA, FBI or other
trustworthy organization that the system can call in the event of tampering.

BUGS
	None you have security clearance to know about.

ERRORS
	None you will be able to decipher

FILES
	None you will be able to read

SEE ALSO
	redalertd(9), bedd(9), bjb(...asf@#$ffcEGerg


SECURITY VIOLATION DETECTED.	
REMAIN AT YOUR TERMINAL.
ALL VIOLATORS WILL BE SUBJECT TO TERMINATION.

I REPEAT....
	


<^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^><^>
   Dean Kortenhoven				Ge Medical Systems Division
   Network/System Administrator			3200 N. Grandview Blvd. W-855
   dean@tidalwave.mr.med.ge.com			Waukesha, WI   53188
<-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><->
      I have not lost my mind !!  It's backed up on tape somehwere....
<v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v><v>