Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!uknet!strath-cs!st-and!bruichladdich.dcs.st-and.ac.uk!ad From: Tony Davie Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Re: Found in dictionary! Date: 14 Jan 1994 14:07:24 GMT Organization: St. Andrews University Lines: 5 Distribution: world Message-ID: <2h68us$lhk@calvin.st-and.ac.uk> References: <1994Jan10.135908.2188@ccc.govt.nz> NNTP-Posting-Host: bruichladdich.dcs.st-and.ac.uk X-UserAgent: Nuntius v1.1.1d24 X-XXMessage-ID: X-XXDate: Fri, 14 Jan 94 14:12:32 GMT Found in Chambers' 20th Century Dictionary Taghairm: Divination, especially when wrapped in a bullock's hide behind a waterfall. Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.claremont.edu!paris.ics.uci.edu!csulb.edu!library.ucla.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!warwick!str-ccsun!strath-cs!st-and!rea From: rea@st-andrews.ac.uk (Robert E Arthur) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Re: Found in dictionary! Date: 15 Jan 1994 03:52:24 GMT Organization: University Of St. Andrews Lines: 10 Message-ID: <2h7p9o$48e@calvin.st-and.ac.uk> References: <1994Jan10.135908.2188@ccc.govt.nz> <2h68us$lhk@calvin.st-and.ac.uk> NNTP-Posting-Host: psy6.st-andrews.ac.uk Can't remember where but I believe: Eclair : A cake long in the first dimension, short in the fourth. Byeeeeeee, Bob. Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!gatech!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!umn.edu!myria.cs.umn.edu!hansen From: hansen@myria.cs.umn.edu (David Hansen) Subject: Re: Whatever became of Tom Lehrer? Message-ID: Sender: news@news2.cis.umn.edu (Usenet News Administration) Nntp-Posting-Host: myria.cs.umn.edu Organization: University of Minnesota, Twin Cities References: , <2h4hnf$jle@pith.uoregon.edu> Date: Fri, 14 Jan 1994 03:21:18 GMT Lines: 86 In article <2h4hnf$jle@pith.uoregon.edu>, st007730@oregon.uoregon.edu (Anthony Michael Chiotti) writes: [In response to my posting the lyrics to "The Wild West"] |> Finally, another Tom Lehrer fan out there! My personal fav is Oedipus Rex from |> "An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer". He was such a margin walker for his times, |> especially the joke from the same album that goes something along the lines of: |> |> .....He was a necropheliac who finally acheived his boyhood ambition by |> becoming coroner. |> or: .....He was going to agricultural school, where he was majoring in animal |> husbantry, until one day they...caught him at it. |> Since you enjoyed that one so, lets see if I can remember the words to "An Irish Ballad" About a maid I'll sing a song Sing rickety tickety tin About a maid I'll sing a song Who didn't have her family long Not only did she do them wrong.... She did every one of them in, them in She did every one of them in One morning in a fit of pique Sing rickety tickety tin One morning in a fit of pique She drowned her father in the creek The water tasted bad for a week... And we had to make do with gin, with gin, And we had to make do with gin Her mother she could never stand Sing rickety tickety tin Her mother she could never stand And so a cyanide soup she planned Her mother died with her spoon in her hand... And her face in a hideous grin, a grin And her face in a hideous grin She weighted her brother down with stones Sing rickety tickety tin She weighted her brother down with stones And sent him off to Davey Jones All they ever found were some bones... And occasional pieces of skin, of skin And occasional pieces of skin She set her sister's hair on fire Sing rickety tickety tin She set her sister's hair on fire And as the smoke and flames rose higher She danced around the funeral pyre... Playing a violin, olin Playing a violin One day when she had nothing to do Sing rickety tickety tin One day when she had nothing to do She cut her baby brother in two And served him up as an Irish Stew... And invited the neighbors in, bors in And invited the neighbors in And when at last the police came by Sing rickety tickety tin And when at last the police came by Her little pranks she did not deny To do so she would have had to lie... And lying she knew was a sin, a sin And lying she know was a sin [It gets a little fuzzy here...] My tragic tale is not for long [that's not quite right, I think] Sing rickety tickety tin My tragic tale is not for long And if you did not enjoy my song You've yourself to blame if it's too long... You should never have let me begin, begin You should never have let me begin Enjoy! -=Dave Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!eco.twg.com!news From: mike@vishnu.eco.twg.com (This space intentionally left blank) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Re: Whatever became of Tom Lehrer? Date: 14 Jan 1994 16:15:14 GMT Organization: The Wollongong Group (East Coast Operations) Lines: 59 Message-ID: <2h6gei$aa5@scoop.eco.twg.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: vishnu.eco.twg.com >[It gets a little fuzzy here...] > >My tragic tale is not for long [that's not quite right, I think] >Sing rickety tickety tin >My tragic tale is not for long >And if you did not enjoy my song >You've yourself to blame if it's too long... >You should never have let me begin, begin >You should never have let me begin If I remember correctly it's: My tragic tale I'll not prolong Sing rickety tickety tin My tragic tale I'll not prolong And if you did not enjoy my song, You've yourselves to blame if it's too long... You should NEVER have let me begin, begin You should never have let me begin! ObJoke: There's a knock at the door of the whorehouse one day. The madam opens the door and finds a BIG country boy standing there. Young feller says, "I wanna woman!" The madam thinks to herself, "This boy is big, looks a bit clumsy, and could really hurt one of the girls, and what with the Shriner's convention next week I can't afford to have anybody out of action! Better put him off for a while..." Then she asks the boy, "You ever been with a woman before?" And he says, "No maam, I ain't." And she says, "Well, you practiced? You wouldn't want to show up ignorant would you?" He replies, "No, I guess not, but how'm I 'spossed to practice?" and she says, "Go find a hollow tree or something!" He looks a bit doubtfull, but turns and leaves and she figures the problem is solved. About a month later there is another knock and it's the same kid, looking very determined this time. Before she can say anything he says, "I done practiced, I got it worked out now, and I want a woman, and I ain't leaving 'till I git one!" She figures there's no getting rid of him this time, so she sends him off with Bertha, her biggest girl. Not more than five minutes later she is startled by shrieks from Bertha's room. She races upstairs and opens the door to find Bertha naked and backed into a corner yelling for help, while the country boy is poking at her with a broomstick. "What do you think you're doing!!" tha madam yells, and the country boy, still looking determined, says, "I'm checkin' for bees!!" -- Mike "think about it..." Bartman -- ============================================================================== | I didn't really say all the things that I said. You probably didn't read | | what you thought you read. Statistics show that this whole thing is more | | than likely just a hideous misunderstanding. | ============================================================================== ============================================================================== Cleanliness is next to impossible. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.claremont.edu!uunet!olivea!hal.com!decwrl!tribune.usask.ca!kakwa.ucs.ualberta.ca!gpu.srv.ualberta.ca!abrown From: abrown@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca (Adrienne Brown) Subject: Re: Whatever became of Tom Lehrer? Message-ID: <1994Jan14.222941.6879@kakwa.ucs.ualberta.ca> Sender: news@kakwa.ucs.ualberta.ca Nntp-Posting-Host: gpu.srv.ualberta.ca Organization: University Of Alberta, Edmonton Canada X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] References: , <2h4hnf$jle@pith.uoregon.edu> Date: Fri, 14 Jan 1994 22:29:41 GMT Lines: 31 Anthony Michael Chiotti (st007730@oregon.uoregon.edu) wrote: : Finally, another Tom Lehrer fan out there! My personal fav is Oedipus Rex from : .....He was a necropheliac who finally acheived his boyhood ambition by : becoming coroner. : or: .....He was going to agricultural school, where he was majoring in animal : husbantry, until one day they...caught him at it. Hey! There are a LOT of TL fans out there... you just have to know where to look... (grin) I still have a soft spot for "The Masochism Tango": I ache for the touch of your lips, dear, But more for the touch of your whips, dear; You can raise welts like nobody elts As we dance to the masochism tango... And I do love "She's My Girl", especially And so for breakfast, she makes coffee that tastes like cham... ...poo! So much good stuff...! (I've wondered for some time exactly who "The guy who taught us math, who never took a bath" [My Home Town] is - TL himself, or a hapless cohort?) **Adrienne - the Librarian-to-be-from-Hell** Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.claremont.edu!uunet!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!eff!news.kei.com!ub!dsinc!cdin-1!cdin-1.compu.com!adam From: adam@cdin-1.compu.com (Adam Gitelson) Subject: Vogon poetry... Organization: CompuData Date: Thu, 13 Jan 1994 15:57:57 GMT Message-ID: Sender: adam@cdin-1.compu.com (Adam Gitelson) Lines: 38 This may seem like a strange request, but has anyone out there ever encountered any Vogon poetry? (From Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy") The only one I know well goes something like this: "Oh freddled gruntbuggly, Thy nacturations are to me As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. Froop I implore thee, My foonting turlingdromes And hoopitously drangle me with crinkly bindleywurdles, Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurgletruncheon, See if I dont." I've seen some more in the adventure game of the same name by Infocom, but I can't remeber it as well. Has anyone seen some more? Thanx, =============================================================================== Adam M. Gitelson | Compudata, Inc. | "Back off man, I'm a scientist." Internet: adam@compu.com | - P. Venckman Phone: (215) 824-3000 X249 | ================================================================================ -- =============================================================================== Adam M. Gitelson | Compudata, Inc. | "Back off man, I'm a scientist." Internet: adam@compu.com | - P. Venckman Phone: (215) 824-3000 X249 | ================================================================================ -- =============================================================================== Adam M. Gitelson | Compudata, Inc. | "Back off man, I'm a scientist." Internet: adam@compu.com | - P. Venckman Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!EU.net!sun4nl!orcenl!asymes From: asymes@nl.oracle.com (Andy Symes) Subject: Re: Vogon poetry... Message-ID: Sender: news@nl.oracle.com Nntp-Posting-Host: nlsu73 Organization: Oracle Europe X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL1] References: Date: Fri, 14 Jan 1994 19:42:17 GMT Lines: 13 Adam Gitelson (adam@cdin-1.compu.com) wrote: : This may seem like a strange request, but has anyone out there ever : encountered any Vogon poetry? (From Douglas Adams' "Hitchhiker's Guide to the : Galaxy") The only one I know well goes something like this: : "Oh freddled gruntbuggly, : Thy nacturations are to me ^^^^^^^^^^^^ Actually, the word should read "micturations". -- Andy. Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!ringer!rhatch From: rhatch@ringer.cs.utsa.edu (Richard Hatch) Subject: Re: Vogon poetry... Message-ID: <1994Jan15.071433.23790@ringer.cs.utsa.edu> Followup-To: alt.fan.douglas-adams,rec.humor Organization: The University of Texas at San Antonio References: <1994Jan14.111827.7879@cc.usu.edu> Date: Sat, 15 Jan 1994 07:14:33 GMT Lines: 37 In article <1994Jan14.111827.7879@cc.usu.edu>, wrote: > >actually done. I remember hearing the titles for 2 others---"My Favorite >Bathtime Gurgles" and "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit >One Midsummer's Morning"..(which caused the listener's lower intestine to leap >straight up through his neck and throttle his brain), yet never actually heard >the poems. THOSE would be gems, eh? Actually, those poems were written not by Vogons, but by others, one by a human. Here's a couple of paragraphs from _The_Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_ the_Galaxy_ by Douglas Adams, chapter 7. "Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos is reported to have been 'disappointed' by the poem's reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve-book epic entitled _My_Favorite_Bathtime_Gurlges_ when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilization, leaped straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. "The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England, in the destruc- tion of the planet Earth." It is true that there is a computer adventure game called _The_ Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy_ and there is quite a bit of Vogon poetry quoted in it, however, I have lost my copy. (I must have loaned it to someone and forgotten about it. *shrug*) -- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- | Richard Hatch | rhatch@ringer.cs.utsa.edu | | Computer Science major | rhatch@runner.jpl.utsa.edu | | Univerity of Texas at San Antonio | rhatch@lonestar.utsa.edu | Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet From: lance@avalon.demon.co.uk ("Lance S. Buckley") Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.claremont.edu!uunet!pipex!dis.demon.co.uk!avalon.demon.co.uk!lance Subject: Re: marriage soon References: <940113.78128.EDSPILLANE@delphi.com> Organization: Least Significant Bit Reply-To: lance@avalon.demon.co.uk X-Newsreader: Simple NEWS 2.0 (ka9q DIS 1.24) Lines: 57 Date: Fri, 14 Jan 1994 04:49:17 +0000 Message-ID: <758522957snz@avalon.demon.co.uk> Sender: usenet@demon.co.uk In article <940113.78128.EDSPILLANE@delphi.com> EDSPILLANE@delphi.com writes: > I'm getting married soon..any advice. > LSB's Six Golden Rules for Matrimonial Bliss 1) Don't take all your clothes off in front of her. My mother always told me to leave something on to keep an air of mystery about my body. Always wear a hat, failing that wear a sporran. NEVER wear both at the same time, as you probably won't be able to keep up with the resultant wave of lust which will sweep over her. 2) Don't forget her birthday. If you do, when it's yours she won't buy you anything. Most women spend more money on presents for their partner than men do. You'll be losing out. 3) Always have something nice to say about her mother. Do it even if you have to lie. Otherwise she'll tell all the girls at work that your penis is only 3" erect, and none of them will want to sleep with you. 4) Keep your computer out of the bedroom. Given a choice between sex and the internet, the average woman would rather be online than ontop. 5) Take an interest in her job. Remember, if you ever end up unemployed, you can apply for her job. You'll have met some of the people she works for, and will already have a foot in the door. It's a well known fact that most companies would rather employ men than women. They'll jump at your offer. 6) Communicate. One of the major causes for marriage failures is a lack of communication. It's not _her_ fault if you get pissed because there are no clean socks, and _you_ couldn't be bothered to leave her a note informing her of the fact. There you have it. Using these six simple to follow rules, you can expect at least 10 years of happy marriage. If your sex drive is below average, that may stretch to 15. Congratulations and good luck for the future! Lance. --- Lance S. Buckley (LSB) lance@avalon.demon.co.uk Living on the edge of the Brentford Triangle... Belay that knobkerry Neville, and make mine a pint of Large! (*sniff* Can you smell creosote?) [PGP 2.3a key available on request, and via keyserver] Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!usc!math.ohio-state.edu!caen!malgudi.oar.net!news.ysu.edu!doug From: Jacob Solomon Weinstein Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.quotations] Funny Latin Quotes Wanted Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Date: 2 Dec 1993 14:38:14 GMT Organization: best of usenet humor Lines: 78 Approved: best@cc.ysu.edu Message-ID: <2dkukm$bct@news.ysu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: unix1.cc.ysu.edu Originator: doug@unix1.cc.ysu.edu ~From: lindq@etek.chalmers.se (Johan Lindqvist) ~Newsgroups: alt.quotations ~Subject: Re: Funny Latin quotes wanted In article , v140pxgt@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (Daniel B Case) writes: |> In article <1993Feb23.162715.27819@ugle.unit.no>, ebr@mrih.no (Eivind Brenningen) writes... |> >Does anybody have some humourous quotes in latin? >From jbb%doc.imperial.ac.uk@ean-relay.ac.uk Thu Feb 27 13:28:57 1992 ~Date: Thu, 27 Feb 1992 12:20:43 +0000 X400-Originator: jbb%doc.imperial.ac.uk@ean-relay.ac.uk X400-Mts-Identifier: [/PRMD=UK.AC/ADMD= /C=GB/;<9202271220.aa02090@flamingo.doc] ~From: Joseph Brunel Baguley Well, here are the latin quotes that you asked for :- This list of handy latin terms was in the San Jose Mercury News some time ago. They list the origin as a book called Henry Beard's "Latin For All Occasions." Eng: I think that Elvis is still alive. Latin: Credo Elvem ipsum etian vivere. Eng: Read my lips. Latin: Labra lege. Eng: Thank you for not smoking. Latin: Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas. Eng: Save the whales. Latin: Balaenae nobie conservandae sunt. Eng: Garbage in, garbage out. Latin: Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum. Eng: Let's look at the bottom line. Latin: Summam scrutemur. Eng: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Latin: Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere. Eng: It ain't over until it's over. Latin: Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit. Eng: Hold my calls. Latin: Fac ut nemo me vocet. Eng: Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you? Latin: Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi? Eng: Really rad, dude! Latin: Radicitus, comes! Eng: I'd like to buy some condoms. Latin: Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra. Eng: Your slip is showing. Latin: Subucula tua apparet. Eng: Your fly is open. Latin: Braccae tuae aperiuntur. Eng: Your place or mine? Latin: Apudne te vel me? Eng: I'll have a pizza with everything on it. Latin: Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo. Eng: The fat lady has sung. Latin: Obesa cantavit. -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet Usenet Humor at its finest! Moderator: best@cc.ysu.edu Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!usc!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!caen!malgudi.oar.net!news.ysu.edu!doug From: doug@cc.ysu.edu (Doug Sewell) Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [comp.dcom.telecom] Is Usenet a Huge Dung Heap? Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Date: 2 Dec 1993 14:57:12 GMT Organization: best of usenet humor Lines: 31 Approved: best@cc.ysu.edu Message-ID: <2dkvo8$bql@news.ysu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: unix1.cc.ysu.edu ~From: TELECOM Moderator ~Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom ~Subject: Is Usenet a Huge Dung Heap? ... At least a couple people think it is ... My thanks to knauer@ibeam.intel.com (Rob Knauerhase) for researching this and passing these gems along: "Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." -- Gene Spafford and "Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare." -- Blair Houghton Now watch them get after me in news.groups tomorrow! :) PAT -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet Usenet Humor at its finest! Moderator: best@cc.ysu.edu Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!usc!howland.reston.ans.net!news.ans.net!malgudi.oar.net!news.ysu.edu!doug From: Jim Jewett Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.fan.pern,...] Re: Poll alt.dragons Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Date: 2 Dec 1993 19:26:59 GMT Organization: best of usenet humor Lines: 36 Approved: best@cc.ysu.edu Message-ID: <2dlfi3$ig9@news.ysu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: unix1.cc.ysu.edu Originator: doug@unix1.cc.ysu.edu ~Newsgroups: alt.fan.pern,alt.ascii-art,alt.binaries.pictures.d,alt.fan.piers-anthony,rec.collecting,alt.config ~From: dragon@nmt.edu (Dave "Dragon" Michaels) ~Subject: Re: Poll alt.dragons _ _ ____ _ _ | \ | |/ __ \| | | | \| | | | | | | | . ` | | | | | | | |\ | |__| |_|_| |_| \_|\____/(_|_) Sorry, that should read YES!! Let's try that again: __ ________ _____ _ _ __ ________ _____ _ _ \ \ / / ____|/ ____| | | \ \ / / ____|/ ____| | | \ \_/ /| |__ | (___ | | | \ \_/ /| |__ | (___ | | | \ / | __| \___ \| | | \ / | __| \___ \| | | | | | |____ ____) |_|_| | | | |____ ____) |_|_| |_| |______|_____/(_|_) |_| |______|_____/(_|_) There. ;) Much better. / \ //\ |\___/| / \// .\ dragon@lair.nmt.edu /O O \__ / // | \ \ Dave Michaels / / \/_/ // | \ \ System Programmer @___@' \/_ // | \ \ "People say I'll get better soon, | \/_ // | \ \ but I keep telling them, ``I'm | \/// | \ \ not that kind of dragon!''" _|_ / ) // | \ _\ -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet Usenet Humor at its finest! Moderator: best@cc.ysu.edu Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.claremont.edu!paris.ics.uci.edu!ucla-cs!usc!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.ans.net!malgudi.oar.net!news.ysu.edu!doug From: ksh@charybdis.prl.ufl.edu (Kevin S Ho) Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.captain.sarcastic] White Haired Satan Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Date: 10 Dec 1993 21:29:53 GMT Organization: best of usenet humor Lines: 35 Approved: best@cc.ysu.edu Message-ID: <2eapoh$6hk@news.ysu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: unix1.cc.ysu.edu Originator: doug@unix1.cc.ysu.edu ~Newsgroups: alt.captain.sarcastic ~From: mejohnso@nyx10.cs.du.edu (Marc Johnson) ~Subject: White Haired Satan To: All Employees Re: New Retirement Plan As part of our continuing cost reduction effort, we are going to reduce our number of employees by means of a new retirement plan. Employees are being mailed a packet containing all of the details. The highlights are presented here. Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting us to retain the younger employees that represent our future. The program, which will go into effect immediately, will phase out all of the older employees by the end of the current fiscal year. The program shall be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are being Raped will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the company, provided that while they are being Raped, they request a review of their employment record before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the plan is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who are being Raped and Screwed are eligible for a review by higher management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). The provisions of this plan dictate employees may be Raped once, Screwed twice, but may get the Shaft as many times as the company deems appropriate. Employees fulfilling the above requirements of the plan are entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service). Herpes is considered a bonus plan since employees who have Herpes will no longer be Raped or Screwed by the company. However, if management is not satisfied with your performance after you have been Screwed and given the Shaft, you will be put on AIDS (Active Immediate Dismissal Status). If you are put on Aids, you will not be entitled to Herpes. It is now, and always has been, the policy of this company to insure that the employees are well trained. To accomplish this, a new program called SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) will be put into effect. With this program, our company will be able to give our employees more Shit than any other company. If an employee feels that he or she is not being given enough Shit on the job, or that they could advance to another position by taking more Shit, please see your supervisor. (end quote) -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet Usenet Humor at its finest! Moderator: best@cc.ysu.edu Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!usc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.intercon.com!pipeline.com!malgudi.oar.net!news.ysu.edu!doug From: ckk@uchicago.edu (Christopher K. Koenigsberg) Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [misc.consumers] Re: People Who Hate Commercials Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Date: 27 Dec 1993 15:53:34 GMT Organization: best of usenet humor Lines: 13 Approved: best@cc.ysu.edu Message-ID: <2fn0du$7c2@news.ysu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: unix1.cc.ysu.edu Originator: doug@unix1.cc.ysu.edu ~From: ar121@yfn.ysu.edu (Carl Porter) ~Newsgroups: misc.consumers ~Subject: People Who Hate Commercials Somebody (I lost track of who) mentioned that (s)he wishes someone would make VCR circuitry that would cut out commercials. I recall seeing a commercial for just such a product, but something happened to the tape. -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet Usenet Humor at its finest! Moderator: best@cc.ysu.edu Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.intercon.com!pipeline.com!malgudi.oar.net!news.ysu.edu!doug From: tadman@ecf.toronto.edu (Scott Tadman) Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [rec.arts.animation] Archives of alt.tv.tiny-toon Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Date: 27 Dec 1993 16:28:49 GMT Organization: best of usenet humor Lines: 51 Approved: best@cc.ysu.edu Message-ID: <2fn2g1$832@news.ysu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: unix1.cc.ysu.edu Originator: doug@unix1.cc.ysu.edu This is a header joke. Followup didn't get it: ~Newsgroups: rec.arts.animation,alt.tv.tiny-toon Path: cannon.ecf!utnut!helios.physics.utoronto.ca!hendry ~From: hendry@helios.physics.utoronto.ca (Paul Hendry) ~Subject: Archives of alt.tv.tiny-toon Brain: Are you pondering what I'm pondering? Hole: There's a hole lotta that going around. Todays-Secret-Word: HOLES Message-ID: Distributions: the HOLE world Automatic_teller_machine: I've got a hole in that, too... Proposal: alt.fan.holes Fan discussion about gaps and orifices Summary: There is a hole in my telephone Keywords: There is a hole in my vacuum cleaner Question: Can headers qualify for alt.humour.best-of-usenet? Holes: You name it, I've got them every place. ~Sender: news@helios.physics.utoronto.ca (News Administrator) Organisation: The hole ball of wax Poit: NARF! I think so, Brain, but Gadget isn't on this show. Quote_of_the_day: My God, it's full of holes! Secret-Message: Don't have a hole, man. Organization: University of Holes This_header: monotonous, isn't it? Swiss-Cheese: my favourite (guess why) Gratuitous_header_information: is full of holes Joke-Posting: This is not a joke posting. Lamprey: Who needs a lamprey, when you have a hole? ~Date: Wed, 22 Dec 1993 21:19:42 GMT Fifi: le *hole* Babs-Bunny-Doll: There's a... no comment Reality_check: bounced, NSF Donuts: Pretty good, but only one hole each. :-( Flames-To: alt.fan.holes Keyword: Hole! Can anyone tell me if and where I can get old archives of alt.tv.tiny-toon articles? I would be interested in reading articles that are more than 10 months old. I would prefer to get these via ftp, but if anyone has such archives, and would be willing to e-mail them to me, please contact me via e-mail. Thanks! -- -- \ - "There, I've said it. I feel better." - Death - / -- -- \- Standard disclaimer: "I just can't help myself!" - Babs -/ -- -- /- Fifi == SEXIUS SKUNKIUS Minerva == SLINKIUS MINKIUS -\ -- -- / - Paul David Hendry hendry@helios.physics.utoronto.ca - \ -- -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet Usenet Humor at its finest! Moderator: best@cc.ysu.edu