Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!darwin.sura.net!haven.umd.edu!uunet!pipex!sunic!trane.uninett.no!nntp.uio.no!medusa.uio.no!jarleb From: jarleb@leda.uio.no (Jarle Brinchmann) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Math jokes, part 2 (>1000 lines) Re: Math jokes wanted ..., quite a few. Date: 24 May 1993 17:01:18 GMT Organization: Institute for Theoretical Astrophysics Lines: 947 Sender: jarleb@leda (Jarle Brinchmann) Distribution: world Message-ID: <1tqv0v$gv5@hermod.uio.no> References: <74VT4B2w165w@cyberden.sf.ca.us> <1993May22.025542.26637@csus.edu> <1993May24.145806.1@emu.insted.unimelb.edu.au> <1993May24.163155.7876@maths.tcd.ie> <1tqurp$gr4@hermod.uio.no> Reply-To: jarleb@leda.uio.no (Jarle Brinchmann) NNTP-Posting-Host: leda.uio.no Here's more: Keith Goldfarb -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane." Lyle Levine, Washington University, St. Louis -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hiawatha Designs an Experiment Hiawatha, mighty hunter, He could shoot ten arrows upward, Shoot them with such strength and swiftness That the last had left the bow-string Ere the first to earth descended. This was commonly regarded As a feat of skill and cunning. Several sarcastic spirits Pointed out to him, however, That it might be much more useful If he sometimes hit the target. "Why not shoot a little straighter And employ a smaller sample?" Hiawatha, who at college Majored in applied statistics, Consequently felt entitled To instruct his fellow man In any subject whatsoever, Waxed exceedingly indignant, Talked about the law of errors, Talked about truncated normals, Talked of loss of information, Talked about his lack of bias, Pointed out that (in the long run) Independent observations, Even though they missed the target, Had an average point of impact Very near the spot he aimed at, With the possible exception of a set of measure zero. "This," they said, "was rather doubtful; Anyway it didn't matter. What resulted in the long run: Either he must hit the target Much more often than at present, Or himself would have to pay for All the arrows he had wasted." Hiawatha, in a temper, Quoted parts of R. A. Fisher, Quoted Yates and quoted Finney, Quoted reams of Oscar Kempthorne, Quoted Anderson and Bancroft (practically in extenso) Trying to impress upon them That what actually mattered Was to estimate the error. Several of them admitted: "Such a thing might have its uses; Still," they said, "he would do better If he shot a little straighter." Hiawatha, to convince them, Organized a shooting contest. Laid out in the proper manner Of designs experimental Recommended in the textbooks, Mainly used for tasting tea (but sometimes used in other cases) Used factorial arrangements And the theory of Galois, Got a nicely balanced layout And successfully confounded Second order interactions. All the other tribal marksmen, Ignorant benighted creatures Of experimental setups, Used their time of preparation Putting in a lot of practice Merely shooting at the target. Thus it happened in the contest That their scores were most impressive With one solitary exception. This, I hate to have to say it, Was the score of Hiawatha, Who as usual shot his arrows, Shot them with great strength and swiftness, Managing to be unbiased, Not however with a salvo Managing to hit the target. "There!" they said to Hiawatha, "That is what we all expected." Hiawatha, nothing daunted, Called for pen and called for paper. But analysis of variance Finally produced the figures Showing beyond all peradventure, Everybody else was biased. And the variance components Did not differ from each other's, Or from Hiawatha's. (This last point it might be mentioned, Would have been much more convincing If he hadn't been compelled to Estimate his own components >From experimental plots on Which the values all were missing.) Still they couldn't understand it, So they couldn't raise objections. (Which is what so often happens with analysis of variance.) All the same his fellow tribesmen, Ignorant benighted heathens, Took away his bow and arrows, Said that though my Hiawatha Was a brilliant statistician, He was useless as a bowman. As for variance components Several of the more outspoken Make primeval observations Hurtful of the finer feelings Even of the statistician. In a corner of the forest Sits alone my Hiawatha Permanently cogitating On the normal law of errors. Wondering in idle moments If perhaps increased precision Might perhaps be sometimes better Even at the cost of bias, If one could thereby now and then Register upon a target. W. E. Mientka, "Professor Leo Moser -- Reflections of a Visit" American Mathematical Monthly, Vol. 79, Number 6 (June-July, 1972) --- Dave Seaman, Purdue ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?" Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?" Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer. Dave Horsfall, Alcatel-STC Australia, North Sydney ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. John C. George, U.Illinois Urbana-Champaign ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told the following story: "When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife wife didn't trust him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their things, she said: - Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a taxi. She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called for a taxi. Says Mr Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye): - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine. - No, they're TEN! - No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..." Kai-Mikael, Royal Inst. of Technology, Stockholm, SWEDEN -------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's nonorientable and lives in the sea? Mobius Dick. Jeff Dalton, U. of Edinburgh, UK ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have profound implications to all of science." Physicist: "Not quite. Physics is well on its way without those mythical `foundations'. Just give us serviceable mathematics." Computer Scientist: "Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite anyway. Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs." Mathematician: "Forget all that! Just make your formulae as aesthetically pleasing as possible!" Keitaro Yukawa, U. of Victoria, B.C, CANADA ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Definition: Jogging girl scout = Brownian motion. Ilan Vardi, Stanford ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The limit as n goes to infinity of sin(x)/n is 6. Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator. Micah Fogel, UC-Berkeley --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two male mathematiciens are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematicien goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'. Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'. The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'! Lynn Marshall, Universite Catholique de Louvain, Belgium ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ============================================================================== ~From: rawlins@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Gregory J. E. Rawlins) Some years ago i came across "The Mathematics of Big Game Hunting" (Aug-Sept. AMM, 446-447, 1938) and would like to see more examples. Do you know of any? greg. For those not familiar with the above article here are some quotations: The Method of Inversive Geometry: We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it, and lock it. We perform an inversion with respect to the cage. The lion is then in the interior of the cage, and we are outside. The Set Theoretic Method: We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an enumerable dense set of points, from which can be extracted a sequence having the lion as limit. We then approach the lion stealthily along this sequence, bearing with us suitable equipment. A Topological Method: We observe that a lion has at least the connectivity of the torus. We transport the desert into four-space. It is then possible to carry out such a deformation that the lion can be returned to three-space in a knotted condition. He is then helpless. The Dirac Method: We observe that wild lions are, ipso facto, not observable in the Sahara Desert. Consequently, if there are any lions in the Sahara, they are tame. The capture of a tame lion may be left as an exercise for the reader. The Thermodynamical Method: We construct a semi-permeable membrane, permeable to everything except lions, and sweep it across the desert. The Schrodinger Method: At any given moment there is a positive probability that there is a lion in the cage. Sit down and wait. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The responses below mention the following works (a few added): A Random Walk in Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza More Random Walks In Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza In Mathematical Circles (2 volumes) - Howard Eves Mathematical Circles Revisited - Howard Eves Mathematical Circles Squared - Howard Eves Fantasia Mathematica - Clifton Fadiman The Mathematical Magpi - Clifton Fadiman Seven Years of Manifold - Jaworski The Best of the Journal of Irreproducible Results - George H. Scheer Mathematics Made Difficult - Linderholm A Stress-Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown - Robert Baker The Worm-Runners Digest Knuth's April 1984 CACM article on The Space Complexity of Songs Stolfi and ?? Sigact article on Pessimal Algorithms and Simplexity Analysis Here are the responses (edited): ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Rob Day, rpjday@watrose] Ya know, if you really want, you can borrow my copy of "A Random Walk in Science", which contains the article on lion hunting. Most of the humor in this book is from the physics view, not the mathematical, but there is the occasional gem. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Bob Atkinson, rgatkinson@watmum] There is always Knuth's recent CACM article on the analysis of recursive christmas songs, or something like that. It was in the last 2 years or so, anyway, and should be obvious if you go looking. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Paul Fronberg, paf@unixprt] One source of mathematical humor are the three books by Eves (Prindle, Weber & Schmidt, inc.): In mathamatical circles (2 volumes) SBN 87150-056-8 Mathematical circles revisited SBN 87150-121-X Mathematical circles squared SBN 87150-154-6 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Mirthematic Frank, frank@zen] I saw the same article, but in a collection of more and less serious essays in science and mathemathics generally. It is: A Random Walk In Science compiled by R.L. Weber and edited by E. Mendoza published by The Institute of Physics, 47, Belgrave Square, London, England, SW1X 8QX. ISBN 0 85498 027 X [or 0 85498 029 6, if you believe the dustcover] I can thoroughly recommend it to anyone with a general interest in science and mathematics who also likes "fun" reading. Some of the essay names, just as an example: "When does jam become marmalade?" "The theory of practical joking -- its relevance to physics" "The uses of fallacy" "On the nature of mathematical proofs" "Arrogance on physics" "Physics terms made easy" "Standards for inconsequential trivia" "Inertia of a broomstick" "Theoretical zipperdynamics" "The art of finding the right graph paper" "On the imperturbability of elevator operators" "Turboencabulator" "A theory of ghosts" "A stress analysis of a strapless evening gown" "Do-it-yourself CERN Courier writing kit" "Slidesmanship" and many, many others besides. Although with a distinct physical bent, there is more than enough maths stuff there to keep you laughing for days. It also has a companion volume, "More Random Walks In Science", same people, same source, but I think it's a few hundred miles from my desk right now, so can't tell you more than that it exists, and is good (but not, I feel, to the standard of the first volume). ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Roy St. Laurent, roy@umnstat] With regard to your request for humourous mathematics: You might try the book _Fantasia mathematica_ edited by Clifton Fadiman and published (my copy anyway: Coincedentally I just happened to find it in a used bookstore this weekend) in 1958 by Simon and Schuster. It is subtitled, "Being a set of stories, together with a group of oddments and diversions, all drawn from the universe of mathematics." Not all of it is humourous but entertaining nonetheless. Here is a short example of one of the oddments: _There Once Was a Breathy Baboon_ by Sir Arthur Eddington There once was a breathy baboon Who always breathed down a bassoon, For he said, "It appears That in billions of years I shall certainly hit on a tune." While this is not as thought provoking mathematically as the several examples you gave, several others might be. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Grace Tsang, gracet@vice.tek.com] The defunct math mag, MANIFOLD, has a collection of funny things - all published in a book called, Seven Years from Manifold, ed. by Jaworski. It includes your big-game hunting example. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Beth Kevles, beth@adelie.harvard.edu] My best source of humorous math has been the book A Random Walk Through Science It is a compilation of very amusing articles pertaining to various mathematical disciplines. I don't recall the editor or publisher, I'm afraid. If you find these "trivial" facts necessary to locating the book, write back and I'll get them from home. I have the book there. (I stole it from my father a few years back...) And then, of course, you might try back issues of the Journal of Irreproducible Results, which occasionally has the mathematical article. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Steve Koehler, koehler@telesoft] I seem to recall that Lewis Carroll wrote a humorous essay or two on mathematics. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Hal Perkins, hal@cornell] This isn't exactly math, but ... The April, 1984 issue of the Communications of the ACM contains several humourous Computer Science articles, including Don Knuth's "Complexity of Songs" paper and others. Most of these are reprinted from sometimes obscure sources. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [John J. Chew, poslfit@utcs.toronto.edu] Someone in netland will no doubt be more specific, but there was a followup to that old AMM article you mentioned, in the same journal but some time in the last five years or so. If you don't get any replies, let me know - I know a few people who are bound to have copies. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Michael Heins, heins@orion] There is an anthology compiled by R.L. Weber entitled "A random walk in science", published by Crane, Russak & Co. Inc., 347 Madison Ave., New York 10017 which contains a number of delightful humorous selections in science and math. (133 selections total) Most relate to science, but several may be of interest to you. I bought mine years ago at Kroch's & Brentano's bookstore for $12.50. I have listed below a few of the titles: "A contribution to the mathematical theory of big game hunting", H Petard "On the nature of mathematical proofs", J E Cohen "On the imperturbability of elevator operators: LVII", J Sykes "A theory of ghosts", D A Wright "A stress analysis of a strapless evening gown" "The art of finding the right graph paper to get a straight line", S Rudin "Slidesmanship", D H Wilkinson Some selections are pure silliness, while others are true accounts of humorous incidences, quotes, etc. One of my own favorites is "The Chaostron. An important advance in learning machines", J B Cadwallader-Cohen, WW Zysiczk, and RR Donelly condensed from Journal of Irreproducible Results 10,30(1961). I don't know if this journal is still being published, but it might be a source for more humorous mathematics. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Bill Jefferys, bill@astro.utexas.edu] In article <33@orion.UUCP>, heins@orion.UUCP (Michael Heins) writes: > [] > There is an anthology compiled by R.L. Weber entitled "A random walk > in science", published by Crane, Russak & Co. Inc., 347 Madison Ave., > New York 10017 which contains a number of delightful humorous selections > in science and math. (133 selections total) Most relate to science, but > several may be of interest to you. I bought mine years ago at Kroch's > & Brentano's bookstore for $12.50. I have listed below a few of the titles: > > > "On the imperturbability of elevator operators: LVII", J Sykes > Unfortunately, the "author" listed above for this particular gem is not the original "author", and therefore much of the joke is missed. The original version of this paper was attributed to one "S. Candlestickmaker", which is a thinly disguised corruption of "S. Chandrasekhar", who won the Nobel Prize in Physics a few years ago. It was printed in the format of the Astrophysical Journal, (Chandrasekhar was editor at the time), and bears a strong resemblance in its use of mathematics to Chandrasekhar's own papers. All of the references in the paper give the same volume and page number; I am told that if you find the right journal and look there, you will find one of Chandrasekhar's few published errors (probably a typo). I believe that the journal is Proc. Roy. Soc., but I am not sure. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Terry L Anderson, tla@kaiser] An older book of this nature is one entitled "Fantasia Mathematica" by Clifton Fadiman" and published by Simon & Schuster in 1958. I have no idea if it is still in print but you should find it in a library. Many of the stories are written by non-mathematicians but are about mathematics with some humorous twist. In fact many of those authored by non-mathematicians I like better than those by mathematicians. These are mostly short stories on a humorous mathematical theme rather than the kind of humor in "A Random Walk.." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Bill Hery, wjh@bonnie] In article <427@kaiser.UUCP>, tla@kaiser.UUCP (T Anderson) writes: > An older book of this nature is one entitled "Fantasia Mathematica" > by Clifton Fadiman" and published by Simon & Schuster in 1958. I > have no idea if it is still in print but you should find it in > a library. A second book along the same lines by Fadiman is "The Mathematical Magpi;" also probably out of print. I believe "Fantasia..." was released in a trade paperback (possibly by Vintage) a few years ago. Check "Books in Print." Another set of books of interest is "In Mathematical Circles" (2 volumes) and "Mathematical Circles Revisited" by Eves, published by Prindle, Weber and Schmidt. Each book has 360 anecdotes, pieces of humorous mathematical writing, etc, many less than a page long. The article on lion hunting mentioned in the original posting is included here. Since Eves is a mathematician himself (with textbooks in advanced calculus, calculus, and logic that I am aware of), some of the pieces relate to higher mathematics than Fadiman's do, although many are accessible to general readers. I find these books more intelligent and enjoyable than Fadiman's. Unfortunately, these are probably out of print too. BTW, Fadiman is best known for his work on the editorial committee (selection committee) of the Book of the Month Club, and for work with early radio and/or tv quiz shows. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Stan Isaacs, isaacs@hpccc] > There is an anthology compiled by R.L. Weber entitled "A random walk > in science", published by Crane, Russak & Co. Inc., 347 Madison Ave., > There is also a sequel called, I think, "More Random Walks in Science". > ... > > "A contribution to the mathematical theory of big game hunting", H Petard > It is interesting to note that H. Petard was a pseudonym of Burbaki - perhaps the only example of a double-pseudonym! There have been several additions to the "contribution...", including fairly recently in the A.M.M. with some new contributions of logic. (It has references to 5 previous lists.) Both the Worm-Runners Digest and the Journal of Irreproducible Results have collections of articles published, and both contain some mathimatical humour. So does the collection of essays from "Manifold". I can get better references if needed, but they are at home. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [ki4pv!macs!mgb] One of the funniest works of mathematical humor that I can recall is a book called "Mathematics Made Difficult." It's hard to find, but definitely worth the effort if you can find it. It was written by a student of Halmos, Linderholm, I believe, and published by World Press in the mid-'70's. It's truly hilarious. I can recall crying, I laughed so much. I just wish *I* could find a copy now... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- [David Fry, fry@huma1.harvard.edu] Here's a fairly popular math story. Also, look at each year's MAA calendar for some interesting, but often sophmoric humor. Impure Mathematics Once upon a time (1/t) pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the grounds that it was Znsufficient and made her way amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, three branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself, apparently alone, in a noneuclidean space. She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decide to integrate improperly at once. Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once, by his degenerate conic and his disparitive terms that he was bent on no good. "Heureka," she gasped. "Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you're absolutely bubbling over with secs." "O sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on." "Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary." "I, I," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous then?" "What order are you?" the brute demanded. "Seventeen," replied Polly. Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet?" he said. "Of course not," Polly cried indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent." "Come, come," said Curly. "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit." "Never!" gasped Polly. "Exchlf!" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly. All was up. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone for ever. There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. What an indignity, to be multiply connected on her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal. When Polly got home that evening, her mother noticed that she had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally she generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction. The moral of our story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom! ============================================================================== ~From: fogel@math.berkeley.edu (Micah Fogel) >From agate!apple!mips!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!samsung!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!f unny-request Mon Jul 2 14:07:22 PDT 1990 Path: agate!apple!mips!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!samsung!cs.utexas.edu!ssbn!looking!f unny-request >From: clubok%husc4@harvard.harvard.edu (Ken "The Snake" Clubok) ~Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny ~Subject: Math Purity Test Keywords: science, original, chuckle Message-ID: ~Date: 1 Jul 90 10:30:03 GMT ~Lines: 94 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca This was made by a couple of friends of mine, Mike Bender and Sarah Herr: MATHEMATICS PURITY TEST Count the number of yes's, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Basics 1) Have you ever been excited about math? 2) Had an exciting dream about math? 3) Made a mathematical calculation? 4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation? 5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation? 6) On your first problem set? 7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.? 8) Worked on a problem set all night? 9) Had a hard problem? 10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes? 11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours? 12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both started and finished them)? 13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night? 14) Taken a math course for a full year? 15) Taken two different math courses at the same time? 16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months? 17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month (weekends excluded)? 18) Done a problem set alone? 19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more? 20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more? 21) Was it mixed company? 22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing a problem set? 23) And joined in afterwards? 24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set? 25) Did you eat it all? 26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over you while you were doing a problem set? 27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered? 28) Been discovered while doing a problem set? Kinky Stuff 29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science? 30) Applied your math to a soft science? 31) Done an integration by parts? 32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem? 33) Bounded the domain and range of your function? 34) Used the domination test for improper integrals? 35) Done Newton's Method? 36) Done the Method of Frobenius? 37) Used the Sandwich Theorem? 38) Used the Mean Value Theorem? 39) Used a Gaussian surface? 40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)? 41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)? 42) Not used brackets when you should have? 43) Integrated a function over its full period? 44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space? 45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space? 46) Done a change of bases? 47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector? 48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the Graham-Schmidt method)? 49) Inserted a number into an equation? 50) Calculated the residue of a pole? 51) Scored perfectly on a math test? 52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you? 53) Used explicit notation in your problem set? 54) Puposefully omitted important steps in your problem set? 55) Padded your own problem set? 56) Been blown away on a test? 57) Blown away your professor on a test? 58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3? 59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane did not shoot to infinity? 69) Have you ever understood the following quote: "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 is an example of a general principle which we have encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear transformation is both the annihilator space of the image of the transformation and also the dual space of the quotient of the space of which the image is a subspace by the image subspace." (Shlomo & Bamberg's _A "Course" in Mathematics for Students of Physics_) ============================================================================== ~From: garym@cognos.uucp (Gary Murphy) To: brister (James Brister) ~Subject: Mathematical Jokes ~Date: Thu, 21 Mar 91 10:07:34 EST Not precisely pure-math, but ... Fuller's Law of Cosmic Irreversability: 1 pot T --> 1 pot P but 1 pot P -/-> 1 pot T ============================================================================== ~From: robb@iotek.uucp (Robb Swanson) A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was made. Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other woman of the tribe extremely jealous, . One year, two of the squaws petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe. As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner. The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said... "The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides" ============================================================================== ~From: shaw%WLBR@WLV.IMSD.CONTEL.COM (Howard Shaw) ~Date: Thu, 21 Mar 91 13:16:18 -0800 Old mathematicians never die; they just lose thier functions... ;) ============================================================================== ~From: wdr@wang.com (William Ricker) Q. How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to the earlier riddle. -- from a button I bought at Nancy Lebowitz's table at Boskone ============================================================================== ~From: Norman Danner There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who cannot. ============================================================================== ~From: Richard Bielak 1) A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doghunt. 2) A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine. 3) To tell a difference between a mathematicians and an engineer perform this experiment. Put a kettle full of water in the middle of the kitchen floor and tell your subject to boil the water. The engineer will put the kettle on the stove and turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing. Next, put the kettle on the stove, and ask the subject to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on. The mathematician will move the kettle to the middle of the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that already has been solved! 4) What's purple and commutes? An abelian grape. ============================================================================== ~From: IO70949@maine.maine.edu This joke was floating around a few months ago: A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his supply of brains. The secretary informed him that they had three kinds of brains available at that time. Doctors' brains were going for $20 per ounce and lawyers' brains were getting $30 per ounce. And then there were mathematicians' brains which were currently fetching $1000 per ounce. "A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried. "Why are they so expensive?" --"It takes more mathematicians to get an ounce of brains," she explained. ============================================================================== ~From: jsj@newt.phys.unsw.OZ.AU (John S. Jurcevic) Okay.. this is something my Physics lecturer said. There was an Indian Cheif, and he had three squaws. And kept them in three tee-pees. When he would come home late from hunting, he would not know which tee-pee contained which squaw.. being dark and all. He went hunting one day, and killed a hippopotamus, a bear, and a buffalo. He put the a hide from each animal into a different tee-pee, so that when he came home late.. he could feel inside the tee-pee and he would know which squaw was inside. Well after about a year, all three squaws had children. The squaw on the bear had a baby boy, the squaw on the buffalo hide had a baby girl. But the squaw on the hippopotamus had a girl and a boy. So what is the moral of the story? The Squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides. ============================================================================== ~From: nehaniv@math.berkeley.edu (Chrystopher Lev Nehaniv) Here is a joke I heard in Freiburg, Germany at the Mathematics Dept. (from Susanne Press): Q: What do a mathematician and a physiscist [or engineer, or musician , or whatever the profession of the person adressed] have in common? A; They are both stupid, with the exception of the mathematician. ---------------------------------------------------- I believe in this and it has been proven by research: He who fucks nuns will later join the church. The Clash