Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!gatech!concert!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!bogus.sura.net!udel!news.intercon.com!eddie.mit.edu!magnesium.club.cc.cmu.edu!pitt.edu!rlpst From: rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu (Robert L Pack) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mwc,rec.humor Subject: Married With Children quotes update Message-ID: <12653@blue.cis.pitt.edu> Date: 29 May 93 17:22:10 GMT Sender: news+@pitt.edu Followup-To: alt.tv.mwc Organization: University of Pittsburgh Lines: 589 Xref: nntp-server.caltech.edu alt.tv.mwc:84 rec.humor:97452 Directions: For new songs or shows, just add them in chronological order For updates, delete the old copy of the song / show and then add the new one to the correct place. If you'd rather just recieve the whole copy instead of just the updates let me know I've made an error. The quotes I listed for Episode 208 really belong to Episode 503. Ooops. bob 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 Bud's Grandmaster B nicknames from the show ------------------------------------------- Abdominizer B (Kelly) Bassmaster B (Al) Bed Wetter B (Kelly) Bellringer B (?) Buckminster B (Al) Burgermeister B (Peg) Bushwacker B (Kelly) Butt Wagger B (Kelly) Court Jester B (Peg) Crossdressr B (Kelly) Dustbuster B (Bud's date) Gas Passer B (Al) Ghostbuster B (Kelly) Grand Bastard B (Kelly) Grand Flasher B (?) Grand Marshal B (Peg) Grandfather B (Al) Grandma B (Kelly) Grandmaster Virgin (Kelly) Grand Pappy B (Kelly) Grasshopper B (Al) Grave Digger B (?) Grinchmaster B (TV host) Mixmaster B (Bud's Date) Thumb Sucker B (Kelly) 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 Shows Update / Added -------------------- Episode 210: Steve's beard Episode 301: Camping Trip Episode 302: The Little Engine that Could Episode 313: Kelly joins tap club / Al loses socks Episode 320: Shoe lights Episode 414: Gutter Cat's video Episode 422: Bud thinks he had sex with Marcie Episode 503: Al cancels car insurance Episode 512: Marcy marries Jefferson Episode 519: Supermarket, Pt 1 Episode 520: Supermarket, Pt 2 Episode 620: Kelly joins Alpha / Al & Jefferson build a workbench Episode 714: Al's vacation Episode 726: Indecent Proposal Episode 210: Steve's beard -------------------------- Bud: " When I get married, no wife of mine is going to tell me what to do." Kelly: " She's just going to go 'baaaa.'" Bud: " Oh, yeah. Everyone make fun of me 'cos I'm the only virgin in the house." Kelly: " That's not true." Bud: " Naaaa." Al: " Nature played a cruel trick on us." Steve: " They did move us next door to each other." Al: " Well, two. Men have an urge but women have the answer. That's not much but it's all they need." Al: " They have the same urg es. We can do the job and they can't take a battery home to meet the parents." Peg: " When you pick him up for the Banker's Ball, wear the sleasiest outfit you can find. I'll loan you something." Marcie: " Our marriage isn't based on that." Peg: " Then what does it mean when you're screaming 'Oh God, Oh God, Oh God' yet you never go to church." Peg: " Nature played a cruel trick on men. They gave them a source of pleasure but, in order for it to work, the blood has to leave the brain. The brain has to enter into negotiations because it wants the blood back. It needs it to go to work to pay for all those things agreed to a moment before. We may not have upper body strength but we do have sexual kryptonite." Al: " Think of Marcie." Al: " Here's a picture of my mother-in-law." Steve: " Aaaaaaah." Al: " That's her bending over at the beach. Notice the beads of sweat in the folds of her stomach. See how it's blurry under her arms? It was windy that day and we caught them in mid-flap." Episode 301: Camping trip ------------------------- Al: " Be thankful, yours just kills, it's quick and easy. Mine, like the black widow, likes to mate first." Peg: " Men, the one thing they're good for, they're not good at." Al: " You ignore the kids. You neglect the house. Yet you find time to let the food get cold before you serve it. Peg, how do you do it?" Peg: " I just care more about me than you and the kids." Al: "Times like this make me wanna take you upstairs and plug that hole in the roof." Al: " This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids & I'll see you in a week." Peg: " You promised to do all the jobs that you never did, like consumate marriage...nah, that's more of a do-it-yourself job." Al: " Oh, Geez, it must be my lucky day." Steve: " What's they do? Raise the minimum wage?" Al: "If you throw down the fishing rods, they break. If they break, daddy can't go fishing. If daddy can't go fishing, he's stuck with mommy. And if he's stuck with mommy, no one gets outta here alive." Peg: " It's Kelly's time of the month." Al: " Why'd we bring her then?" Bud: " Squeek through another month, eh, Kel?" Al: " Do you know why they have their periods? They know we're gonna have fun. Before men, women didn't have periods." Al: " Something big came out of the woods crashing through the brush. I thought it was you, Peg, but it didn't want my wallet." Steve: " They can sense when women are..." Al: " Killing their husbands?" Al: " We have the cast of Bambi out there and in here we have some of the 7 dwarfs: Bloated, Crabby, and Horny. Marcie: " The air smells great." Peg: " Get used to it now. Once Al settles in, the shoes come off." Al: " Bud, go say something nice to your sister." Bud: " But I don't even like her." Al: " Who does? Just go." Episode 302: The Little Engine that Could ----------------------------------------- Al: " Pop Warner MVP , Little League MVP . I was just a bit younger than Bud. Then I met Peg. Co-ed Softball participant , Rookie-of-the-year Shoe Salesman 1965 . Notice how they're getting smaller." Peg: " Everything about him is." Al: " Yea, and you weren't the cause for that either." Fat Librarian: " Could it be that you don't have the money. Could it be that you're a failure like I always knew you'd be." Al: " Could it be that the nails that hold you chair together are from the planet Krypton." Fat Linrarian: " You've become the Freddie Krueger of the library system." Al: " Does 'suey' mean anything to you?" Fat Librarian: " I could've retired 15 years ago. Do you know why I stayed?" Al: " You learned to eat library books." Episode 313: Kelly joins Tap club / Al loses socks -------------------------------------------------- Al: " I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry?" Peg: " Well, I had to Al. One of your shirts reached out of the basket, grabbed me around the windpipe and demanded to be taken to the airport." Al: " Stupid shirt, if it was that easy I would've been gone years ago." Al: " Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it." Bud: " Hey, 'Anything Goes.' Kelly, that's your song." Al: " Remember the Bundy credo. When one of us is embarrassed, the rest of us feel better about ourselves." Al: " Peg, she bit me on the neck. Now I'll live forever!" Al: " I had 20 pairs of socks. Now I have 19 swinging singles and one pair." Peg: " What's wrong with them?" Al: " They're the pair I was married in: the evil pair." Al: " There's two things that the Bundy's don't do. We don't eat vegatables and we don't tap." Al: " Kelly, I'll get up in the morning, paint one ankle and go see your principal. Then I'll board a plane to Borneo where I'll be known as the 'Great White One with One Sock.'" Kelly: " Did you talk to the principal? Did you get me off? Al: " Have I ever disappointed you before?" Kelly: " Yes." Al: " Then you won't be surprised at what daddy has to say." Peg: " Say something nice to Principal Wicker." Al: " You're looking less ugly tonight." Kelly: " The one thing I learned about being a Bundy is, if you loose, loose big. That's what dad does." Al: " Think back when you were little. Roaming the range with the rest of the water buffalo. Scratching yourself against a tree." Episode 320: Shoe Lights ------------------------ Bud: " The day that I stoop low enough to date a mannequin is the day that I truly earn the name Bundy." Al: " Let's go back to yesterday. While taking out the trash, I triped, fell, and my head landed in the garbage. Normally, I just hang out there with my hopes and dreams." Kelly: " Kelly, go outside and see it it's a burglar. Kelly, taste this green meat and see if it's any good. Kelly, look stupid and and wear shoe lights. It's no wonder I seek the warmth of a stranger's arms." Bud: " Thanks for the help, bleached blanket bimbo." Kelly: " They may call me 'bimbo' but at least they call me." Al: " Ow!" Peg: " I was just checking to see if you're still alive. It's hard to know sometimes." Al: " There's a better way. Dead men don't wake up yelling 'don't.'" Al: " I'm not going < to the shoe convention>. It's just another okace to remind me of my failures: work, home..." Peg: " the bedroom." Al: " You're always there when I'm down." Al: " Who started the tradition that the guy who makes the least introduces the guy who makes the most." Peg: " I don't know. It seems to energize the crowd against you and brgins them all together." Al: " Do you get a special bonus if I don't reach 50?" Al: " I'll just turn Kelly on." Bud: " Then won't you be needing some candy and $5." Kelly: " Face the ugly truth. They don't have woods deep enough to grow the girls that will go out with you. You're aiming to high: you know, a live girl. You have caviar taste and a pizza face." Episode 414: Gutter Cats' video ------------------------------- Al: " Marice just gave me an idea. Actually two. One, I want chicken tonight and, 2, I'm discontinuing your allowance." Kelly: " Get a job, me. God did not create this package to work." Bud: " He didn't mean it to be a serving tray at a biker's party, either." Bud: " The Gutter Cats are having auditions for rock video slut. Get into you sleasiest dress." Kelly: " Which one?" Bud: " The one dad calls your belt." Kelly: " What if I don't get the job? What if I'm not slutty enough?" Bud: " Not slutty enough? You've got 'tramp' written all over your face." Peg: " How about giving me $100 for sex, Al? That's $50 a minute." Al: " Peg, I forgot to tell you, it has to be something someone wants." Al: " Peg, you're wualified for many things: spirit squaher, hope dasher, age accelerator." Steve: " Man, look at what it looks like before you marry it." <...Still looking at TV> Steve: " Look at the blonde hanging all over the drummer like a coat. Boy, I'd like to give her a...oops, sorry Al, that's your daughter." Episode 422: Bud thinks he had sex with Marcie ---------------------------------------------- Kelly: " What's a simpleton?" Bud: " An idiot, moron, dolt, dullard, creaton. You know, someone a little smarter than you." Al: " For the first time, since the first time, I'm glad to see you in bed." Episode 503: Al cancels car insurance ------------------------------------- Peg: " You know what they say in Wanker county." Al: " Nothing spells loving like marrying your cousin." Kelly: " The car's mine. I don't want to be standing in the corner again with guys hissing at me as they drive by." Al: " Sorry, pumpkin, we didn't know it was you." Al: "When you insult my wife, you don't insult me." Peg: " What did he say, Al?" Al: " Nothing I haven't said before." Al: " I've said we're broke before and you were brave about it and spent anyway but we're really broke this time. Peg, what can you do without?" Peg: " Apparently an orgasm.," Al: " Way to get one. Kelly, what can you do without?" Kelly: " I think we can all do without war." Al: " Don't you think you should've gained more than 5 pounds when you were pregnant now, Peg." Bud: " All my friends are dirving." Al: " If all your friends were getting married, would you?" Al: " Let this be a lesson to you. Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a wedding chapel." Al: " I was listening to the oldies station at 1500 watts so I couldn't hear the siren. Police cars today are equipped with rammers so he eased me into the guard rail. Lucky, the cop liked oldies so he beat me with his night stick to the tune of ' Hey, Jude.' Then he wrote me up 18 tickets including the one for bleeding on his pad." Peg: " You look lie tarzan if he were gay." Al: " If you were Jane, he would be." Al: " Insurance is like marriage. You pay & pay but you never get anything back." Judge: " Mr Bundy, would you please explain why your wife is wearing a neck brace when she wasn't involved in the accident." Peg: " Let me explain it, your honor. It's sex whiplash but it is accident realted. You see, when we were in bed, Al was thinking about the jillion dollars and just lost control. He caught me off guard. He moved." Episode 512: Marcie marries Jefferson ------------------------------------- Peg: " Who would you rather spend the night with: A, your wife, or B..." Al: " B." Marcie: " I woke up with a man in the bed and I don't know who he is." Al: " That's easy. He slpet with you, he's the stupidest man on Earth." Bud: " We have enough to tell the neighbors." Kelly: " Sell the nieghbors." Bud: " Do you do nothing for free?" Al: " Run, run, run like the wind, runs like there's no tomorrow, run like Mexican water through a first time tourist but, the key word is, run." Episode 519: Supermarket, Pt 1 ------------------------------ < Peg cranks air conditioner > Al: " Gentle, Peg, you're not having sex with it" Peg: " We'll know for sure if it quits after a minute, rolls over and then asks what's on TV.... Well, it might be, I don't feel a thing." Kelly: " Mom, dad scared me." Peg: " He scares us all." Kelly: " An idiot can buy an air conditioner. I could buy an air conditioner." Peg: " I thought you were going to a discount store to but one of those Korean products with almost real names like ou Fridgea-door refrigerator." Al: " Well, my beauti-fool wife." Al: " Miss, you dropped something." Babe: " Thank you, market dweller." Kelly: " Daddy?" Al: " What?" Kelly: " Do you want something?" Al: " Yes, I have a strange yearning for some melons......and a plucked chicken." Al: " Peg, get the cart." Peg: " How do I work this thing?" Al: " The same thing you do with me. You get behind it and shove." Episode 520: Supermarket, Pt 2 ------------------------------ Marcie: " This man cut in front of me. I should be the one millionth customer." Manager: " Did you cut in front of this woman." Al: " What woman?" Peg: " You get the food and the glory. All I get is to stand in front of this big hot thing." Al: " No, that's the stove. You're the big hot thing." Al: " We will win in the Bundy tradition. We will cheat our heineys off." Peg: " You can do all this < build the cart of death > yet you can't get a better job." Al: " Research will show you that the majority of your instruments of death are from the zombie-like daydreams of shoe salesmen." Peg: " Can't you give him < the Beaver > a job at the shoe store?" Al: " That's all I need. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you." Episode 620: Kelly joins Alpha / Al & Jefferson build a workbench ----------------------------------------------------------------- Kelly: " If you're stupid and you know it, punch a nerd." Al: " I can't find the hole." Peg: " Don't you have enough things plugged in?" Al: " The only experience you have is with things that use batteries." Kelly: " Do you think I'm stupid?" Al: " Well...stupid's a relative term." Kelly: " You're a relative, that's why I'm asking you." Bud: " Remember Pig Parties in high school...well you're at one now." Kelly: " I don't believe you." Bud: " Let me show you." Kelly: " Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model." Guy 1: " Hi, I'm a Los Angelas public school teacher." Kelly: "I still don't believe you." Guy 2: " Hi, I'm a network executive." Kelly: " That doesn't prove a thing." Al: " I got everything right here " Peg: " You bought 'shower in a box?'" Al: " I couldn't afford it. Years ago I bought 'wife on a couch.'" Peg: " Hold me, Al. I want this moment to last forever." Al: " Don't worry. Every minute with you seems like forever." Al: " Where's the spirit of 'do it yourself?'" Peg: " It's alive and well in our bedroom." Bud: " Kelly, let me help you: Push in, pull out." Kelly: " How should I remember that?" Bud: " Push, unlike pull, begins with a 'p.'" Kelly: " Ahhh." Kelly: " I've got brains. I want to show the world that brains and good knockers go hand-in-hand." Episode 714: Al's vacation -------------------------- Bud: " The hooters, they'll be a jiggling." Kelly: " Just don't hurt you hands on the staples." Seven: " I'm hungry." Bud: " Kelly's stupid. No one's helping her." Marice: " Jefferson didn't even see me slip out of bed this morning." Al: " Maybe he's still out cold after seeing you slip into bed last night." Al: "Girls, girls, girls. Who am I kiddin? Seas hags..." Kelly: " I have a thought." Jefferson: " That's almost as funny as you begin good looking." Peg: " Al, I'm not proud of you. Why would I talk about you?" Marcie: " Oh, yea. Who said, 'What's the difference between Al Bundy and an egg? An egg takes 3 minutes to be done.'" Episode 726: Indecent Proposal ------------------------------ Al: " Look closely into the dead that are my eyes and you'll know I'm married." Coco: " I'm sorry to hear that." Al" " I'm sorry to say that." Marcie: " I thought that the moon was made of green cheese but now I know." Al: " Jealous little ironing board." Marcie: " I owe my man's softness to you." Peg: " My man's softness comes naturally." Al: " You haven't been introduced. This is our neighbor Marcie. As you can see she used your vanishing cream on her breasts and they disappeared." Coco: " I'll offer you $500,000 ." Al: " I'm being treated like a piece of meat and I have to sat that...I like it." Peg: " $500,000 for this. I don't get it. Then, I haven't gotten it for 25 years." Bud: " Al Bundy, male hooker." Al: " It does have a nice ring to it." -- Bob Pack rlpst@cislabs.pitt.edu Dept. of Electrical Engineering Currently, 6th in the University of Pittsburgh EC123 tipping competition!!! Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 15260 USA PittCAD Design Group The keeper of the MWC quotes EEFL: Pittsburgh LambdaChi's ( LCA -- Colonial Division ) "It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."