Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!news.claremont.edu!uunet!wupost!csus.edu!netcom.com!joelerdt From: joelerdt@netcom.com (Joel Erdtsieck) Subject: History of the Slurpee Message-ID: Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest) X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.1 PL8] Date: Sun, 30 May 1993 01:17:14 GMT Lines: 113 The Hidden History Of The Slurpee Creation: The Slurpee was created in Hiroshima, Japan in August 1945. In a freak of nature, cherries, sugar and ice in a freezer in a house in Hiroshima, were combined into what is now known as the "Slurpee" when the Enola Gay dropped it's load on that city. An Indian officer, part of the occupation force of Japan after the war, discovered this find, and upon tasting it, decided that he'd get the recipie for it. Unfortunatly, the occupants of the house were dead, but that did not stop him from trying. The rest is history... A Brief History of the Slurpee: 1945: Creation of the Slurpee. India becomes the first Slurpee power. The United States becomes the second when the Indian officer is forced to turn over his find to the US Army. The USSR's MGB (Later the KGB) hears hints of the Slurpee, and Stalin orders the MGB to find out what the heck a "Slurppeeski" is. 1949: China goes Communist after Stalin tells Mao that the "Imperialists will try to introduce this really weird red liquid stuff to your populus." Free China flees to Formosa, where they make 7-11 plastic cups to this day. 1950: Korean War. The Slurpee was vital to the U.N. armies. For instance, Slurpees would be dropped by U.N. planes to NK and (later) PRC troops, who, already low on rations, would mindlessly accept these drinks of death. The NKs nicknamed these drinks "Kingkongwithcheechandchong" which meant "Oh ^!@!@#, not that ^%!*@&%# again!" 1951: The Rosenbergs executed for compromising the A-Bomb in the late 40's, they were apprehended in 1949 trying to get the secret to the "Slurpeeski". Gen. MacArthur relived of command after he suggests thathis forces be allowed to mass use the Slurpee. 1954: Sen. McCarthy told House Committee on UnAmerican Activites that he was convinced that then-actor Ronald Reagan had tried selling Slurpee to the USSR. Later condemed when it was found out that McCarthy had been seen drinking some of the red liquid. 1955: 221 killed when an Indian train derailed, spilling 1200 gallons of Cherry Slurpee into the Ganges river. 1960: India publicly announces that it has the Slurpee. The Americans, who had thought that they were the only ones, go to DEFCON III in the Indian Ocean reigon. Pakistan creates the famous Elite Gandu Corpseto try and steal the Slurpee from it's neighbor. The Pakistani ship Ohmygosh is sunk in December. The Pakistani spy ship was on a mission to learn about India's Slurpee production when the chef on board accidently creates Coke flavored Slurpee in the ship's galley. Unfortunatly, therewere no survivors, so Pakistan never knew they had the Slurpee for a whole 3 minutes. 1963: Pakistan, through the US, finally becomes the 3rd Slurpee power. The situation changes drastically when a lost Pakistani pilot accidentally violates Indian airspace and bombs an Indian village with a single Slurpee bomb. (He thought it was a test range). All 1200 villagers are killed by residue. But the incident is not discovered for 3 months after, and by then, no one cares. No great loss. 1967: The Israeli Mossad starts uses diluted Slurpee (God knows how THEY got it, but they got it!) as truth syrum, as a replacement for Sodium Pentathol on Arab POW's in the '67 war. 1968: It wasn't Agent Orange the Army sprayed over Vietnam, it was cherry Slurpee. 1974: Richard Nixon leaves office, claiming it was a Slurpee he drunk that made him do what he said he didn't do but did, even though he denyed it. 1975: Gerald Ford gives the Secret of the Slurpee to the NATO allies, and selected other countries... among those is Iran. 1978: The Shah of Iran deveops cancer after drinking a Slurpee 1979: After deveoping the Slurpee into a gaseous form, the Ayatollah Kohmeni uses it to drug the whole country of Iran, and turn it into his private country. 1986: Chernobyl reactor #3 melts down trying to create synthetic Slurpee. 1989: East Berliners, hearing about the opening of the first 7-11 in West Berlin, make a mass exodus to West Berlin, in the process, tearing down the Berlin Wall. 1991: The Slurpee is the secret hero of the Gulf War, being dropped from F-117A's and F-15E's and being carpet dropped by B-52s (The plane, NOT the band!), inflicts massive casulaties among Iraqis, while lessening Allied Casualties. It is also learned that exposure to Slurpees gives people weird accents, consiquently, the accents of New Yorkers, Valley Girls and the 7-11 clerk down the street. -- ``` (o o) -----------------oOO--(_)--OOo------------------------------------------------ Joel Erdtsieck Internet: joelerdt@netcom.com Team-Net: 19@ME "Choosy perverts chose GIF" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------