Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!sdd.hp.com!caen!batcomputer!munnari.oz.au!uniwa!dr_pack From: dr_pack@gu.uwa.edu.au (Denis) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: STTNG joke episodes Date: 2 Jun 1993 08:23:02 GMT Organization: The University of Western Australia Lines: 393 Message-ID: <1uho16$6ls@uniwa.uwa.edu.au> NNTP-Posting-Host: mackerel.gu.uwa.edu.au Summary: humor Keywords: joke ****** ******** ****** ******* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ****** ** ******** ******* ******** ******* ******** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ****** ** ** ** ** ** ** ******* ******* ***** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ******** ** ** THE NEXT GENERATION JOKE EPISODES WRITTEN BY ARND HURLBRINK This is a list of joke episodes. You know, something like the stuff that Paramount Studios wouldn't dare produce. These episodes generally take place somewhere between season 3 and 6 in the order they are presented. I haven't even bothered to work out any stardates. All you have to know is that Tasha is dead and Wesley is on board. It helps to know a little about Japanese Animation to get all the 'anime in-jokes', but this isn't really necessary. I won't keep you any longer. Have fun. 1. Wesley's Fantasy ------------------- Wesley programs the HoloDeck to recreate his favourite sexual fantasy, only to find that the Holograms reject Wesley in favour of Riker. Wesley sulks in his quarters for the rest of the episode. 2. Wesley2 ---------- Wesley creates the perfect android, called Wesley2. Wesley is shocked to learn that the android is more popular than himself. Data realizes that he is gay and starts making advance towards Wesley2. For some unknown reason, Captain Picard has an identity crisis. Wesley2 commits suicide, because he can't live the fact that his creator is such a dork. 3. Dream on, Riker ------------------ While leading an away-team on Optera, homeworld of the Invid, Riker is poisoned by a terramanga slug. While recuperating in sick bay, he dreams of a certain, possibly illegal, sexual act involving himself and all the female crew of the Enterprise dressed in tight leather gear. A technical malfunction was responsible for broadcasting Riker's dream throughout the Enterprise. Riker will get a lot of cold shoulder from Deanna for the next couple of weeks. Tasha Yar made a guest appearance in this one. Did you catch the anime in-jokes? 4. You're dead, Wesley ---------------------- Despite the promising title, this episode is a total bore. The bridge crew decides to play a game of Lazer on the HoloDeck. Wesley gets zapped in the first minute and returns to his quarters to sulk some more. Counsellor Troi gets lost and loses it completely. After a couple of hours she regains her wits and goes through an identity crisis. Finally, she creates a hologram of Riker, to help her find the exit, only to realize that everyone else has left hours ago. 5. Qubed -------- Q pops in and turns the Enterprise into a giant marshmellow. The vacuum of space expands the ship until it explodes and covers a nearby primitive world in gunk. The members of the crew blame each other and a food fight breaks out. Q saves Wesley from drowning in the gunk, since he did not wish to join him in the afterlife and returns everything to normal. 6. The Insult (part 1) ---------------------- A romulan embassador Korg and his son, Gork board the Enterprise to engage in a temporary cease-fire agreement. Wesley mistakes Korg for one his experiments and abuses the hell out of him for leaving his quarters. In an attempt to save what is left of the cease-fire, Wesley suggests that he and Gork play hide and seek. Unfortunately, the sound of 'Let's play hide and seek' is just like 'Get out of my face, you ugly puke-brain!' in Romulan. The episode ends when Korg demands the torture and subsequent execution of Wesley Crusher. 7. The Insult (part 2) ---------------------- Wesley screams in agony, while being tortured in a romulan torture chamber for the whole 45 minutes of the episode, while Data prepares a defence to save Wesley's life. 8. The Insult (part 3) ---------------------- At the trial to decide Wesley's fate, Data tries to convince the Jury that Wesley didn't know what he was doing. The romulan jury would have believed Data, if it wasn't for the lack of concern displayed by the rest of the crew. Finally, the jury decides to release Wesley. They believed, that the crew would eventually get sick of him and try to get rid of him anyway. This eventual betrayal, by whom Wesley regards as his best friends, would be far greater than any other punishment they could dish out. 9. The Prank ------------ To get back at Captain Picard for his lack of concern during the last episode, Wesley sabotages the food replicator in the Captain's quarters. After drinking a glass of herb tea, Picard looses all of his remaining hair and his skin turns into a green rubbery substance. This is the first episode, where Wesley gets a good solid spanking from a green bald guy. 10. The Long Wait ----------------- When Wesley and Ensign Dante are trapped in the TurboLift for 43 hours, Wesley recounts how he arrived on the Enterprise, the first time he was on the bridge and 1034 other embarrassing situations. Most of this episode consists of old footage. Immediately after the TurboLift is fixed, Ensign Dante applies for a transfer to the other end of the galaxy. 11. Daydreams ------------- Wesley dies in an engineering accident. Data finally understands humor. Riker spends the night alone in his quarters for the very first time. Counsellor Troi stops her annoying habit of sucking her thumb when she is scared. Worf gets himself a romulan penpal. The female uniforms are changed to reveal more. Things couldn't get any better. Then, to his disappointment, Captain Picard realizes that he was daydreaming. 12. The Wesley Legacy --------------------- The Enterprise arrives at Dominion IV (anime in-joke, ha, ha), a planet ruled by a ruthless and dangerous tyrant in possession of an armageddon device, capable of destroying the entire sector. Wesley realizes that he was here before, at the age of four, and that the armageddon device is non other than one of his science projects which he left behind. 13. Imposter ------------ Wesley is kidnapped and is replaced by a romulan spy. Of course, the spy does not possess Wesley's multilayered aura of obnoxiousness and everyone realizes who he really is. The romulan spy warns, that if he is harmed, Wesley will surely be tortured and killed. A split-second later, Data is the first that pummels the spy to the ground, followed by Worf, Riker, Troi and lastly Picard. I guess the old guy is finally slowing down, eh? The romulans get sick of Wesley and return him to the Enterprise. 14. Death is only a Worf away ----------------------------- For his psychology class, Wesley tries to determine Worf's anger threshold, by shouting abuse at him. Finally Worf has enough and decides to determine Wesley's pain threshhold. Captain Picard has another identity crisis. 15. The good, the bad and the ugly ---------------------------------- The crew of the Enterprise is ordered to recover a valuable piece of equipment, called the differentiated idioblast, lost somewhere on the surface of Daicon IV. The Nausicans, the Lucifer Folk and the Zentraedi are also looking for it. All four parties find the treasure at the same time and discover that it is actually a human being. Lots of anime in- jokes in this one, folks. 16. Happiness is Mandatory -------------------------- The crew of the Enterprise visits a planet ruled by a benevolent and insane computer. Practically everything is considered treasonous, including possessing mutant powers (which everyone does), belonging to a secret society (you automatically join one at birth), being unhappy, thinking treasonous thoughts and failing to comply with regulation 135.17/69a-12B (huh, what's that?). This episode was never actually completed, since West End Games sued the hell out of Paramount Studios for copyright infringement of their role-playing game, Paranoia. 17. Agony --------- Picard forces Wesley to watch all episodes of Days of our Lives that were ever produced. Even though Data is intrigued by earth culture, he was compelled to leave after watching 3 minutes to minimize damage to the neural net of his positronic brain. 18. Of love and war ------------------- While exploring a new sector, the Enterprise is besieged by several warships. They are boarded by 200 topless amazons on rollerskates, armed with extremely noisy submachineguns. Picard nearly dies of a stroke. Beverly tries to blindfold Wesley. Counsellor Troi tries to put Riker's tongue back in his mouth. LaForge curses wildly when his visor shorts out. Everyone seems to have forgotten about the poor captain. After securing the ship, the amazons take turns sleeping with Riker, who believes that he has died and gone to heaven. Wesley is slapped by his mother about 2034 times for staring. Counsellor Troi is chided for wearing to many clothes. When Riker is finally exhausted, the amazons leave. (note: look for the Monty Python in-jokes) 19. Secrets ----------- Wesley finally learns of the existence of the 'Hate Wesley Crusher Club' which has formed aboard the Enterprise. He discovers, that he is the only person on the ship who is not a member and that Captain Picard is the Club President, Data is the Treasurer and Worf is the editor of the club newsletter, entitled 'Die, Ensign Crusher'. Wesley interupts a club meeting, just as LaForge suggests to use Wesley for reactor core shielding. 20. Death Ninjas from Planet X ------------------------------ The Enterprise receives a distress call from Planet X. Upon arrival, Riker leads an away-team and encounters what could only be described as cute little furry creatures wearing black, armed with katanas and shurikens. Deanna's attempt to hug one of these creatures is interpreted as a declaration of war. The rest of the episode degrades into a B-grade martial arts flick. The most intelligent thing Deanna said in the entire episode was: 'Those are small furry things. I think, I'll hug one of them.' 21. X Planet from Ninjas Death ------------------------------ This episode is actually exactly the same as the last one, except that it is in reverse. People walk backwards. People talk backwards. The end credits appear first. Amazingly, this episode made just as much sense as the last one. What a bloody rip off! The producers must think we're stupid or something. 22. Data's Brain ---------------- Data removes his positronic brain and loans it to Wesley. Wesley shows it to his schoolmates, drops it a couple of times, uses it as a doorstopper, throws it after Science Project 563 to prevent it from escaping and returns it to Data after washing it in soapy water. Naturally, Data is most displeased, and will give Wesley a thorough spanking as soon as can stop running in circles, while reciting klingon opera in his fake american accent. 23. Super Wesley ---------------- After being exposed to a newly discovered radioactive metal, Wesleynite 34, Wesley gains superhuman powers. Wesley becomes obsessed with saving the universe, even if it doesn't want to be saved by him. He dresses himself in a non-standard uniform, with a large 'W' on his chest and runs around the ship doing 'good deeds'. Worf exposes himself to the metal and punches Wesley's lights out. 24. Privilege of Rank --------------------- Captain Picard orders Riker to get him a sandwich. Riker orders Worf to get him a sandwich and toe nail clipper. Worf orders Data to get him a sandwich, a toe nail clipper and a whip. Data orders Wesley to get him a sandwich, a toe nail clipper, a whip and a copy of the latest issue of PlayDroid. On his way back to the bridge, after collecting all that stuff, Wesley bumps into his mother... 25. Good riddance to bad rubbish -------------------------------- The crew finally manages to convince Wesley, that they don't like him, that they never have liked him and that they probably never will. Wesley steals a shuttlecraft and flies of to Acheron-5. Subsequent investigation reveals, that Wesley (known on Acheron-5 as 'The Hated') lost his grip on reality and went on a rampage of death and destruction. The locals decided to stone him, but Wesley mysteriously disappears. 26 & 27. Funeral for a complete dork (2 Hour Special) ----------------------------------------------------- Assuming Wesley to be stoned to death on Acheron-5, the crew decides to have a funeral for him on the HoloDeck. The crew tries hard to say something good about him, but eventually give up. Here is some of the dialogue: Picard: All the time he was looking at me, he was laughing at my... ahh... reduced hair growth. Riker: He just couldn't behave himself, that stupid son of a... oh, is this being recorded? Troi: Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, Ensign Ro! Happy... What? Oh, I thought we were celebrating Ro's birthday. How silly of me. Worf: Wesley, I think you should know, that you died without honor. Beverly: My son! My son! What have they done to you? What have they done? Boo! Hoo! Hoo! Picard: That's enough, Beverly. Beverly: Okay. O'Brien: Yeah, Wesley was a brat, if you ever saw one. He never could... Hold on, am I not supposed to be on Deep Space 9? How the devil did I get here? I bet Wesley is somehow responsible for this. Science Project 563: Wesley made me what I am today. Just look at me! A disfigured cat with three broken legs, blind in one eye, a tail with a knot and chronic backpains. All in the name of science, he says. Yeah, sure! Bloody torture, if you ask me. I hope he died in agony and that his rotting carcass is being eaten by maggots. Data: Captain, sir. I do not have any feelings and therefore can not mourn Wesley. But, I do believe that, if I had feelings, I would not mourn Wesley anyway. Should I be concerned about this? Picard: Not really. I can still remember, when I met that little punk for the first time. He was fooling around on the HoloDeck and got himself all wet and made a mess in the corridor of MY ship. And then on the bridge, he was drooling all over MY controls, even though he had no business there. And then... Data: I have no wish to hurry you, but I do have an appointment at 123 Baker Street and I will be needing the HoloDeck, sir. Picard: Oh, of course. Sorry, Data. Computer, end program. The rest of the episode degrades into snippets of old footage as the crew recounts Wesley's most embarrassing moments. 28. They said this would never happen ------------------------------------- The Enterprise is in orbit of a dying primitive world, but the prime directive prevents them from helping the planet's inhabitants. After, spending 40 gruelling minutes pondering on what to do, Captain Picard decides to go fishing on the HoloDeck for last 15 minutes of the episode. These problems always work themselves out near the end, so there's really no point worrying about it. 29. Hokus Pokus --------------- Deanna Troi loses her powers, her friends, her memory, her job, her clothes, her credit card rating, her script and everything else she has to lose within a single stardate (She never had any intelligence to start with, so she could really lose that). So what's the reason for all of this? The script writers and producers find the missing Troi papers in Riker's Enterprise quarters. Read all about it in this comming months New Idea. 30. Merry Christmas ------------------- The crew of the Enterprise celebrates the ancient custom of christmas. Deanna Troi hastily opens her largest gift and out pops a life size William Riker doll. Maybe she should have read the attached card first, which said: "This is for you when I'm away. Open in private. From you- know-who." Everyone has a good laugh at Deanna at Riker's expense and things return to normal. 31. Killer Instinct ------------------- Worf suffers from a mysterious virus and can't resist chewing on Captain Picard's leg. 32. So long and thanks for all the synthahol -------------------------------------------- Ensign Akira (a replacement for Wesley) does not believe the synthahol served in Ten Forward is free of side-effects and to prove it drinks 4353 glasses of the stuff, falls over and dies. 33. Qute -------- Q pops in to say hello and turns the crew into rabbits to see if this would affect sexual behaviour and breeding habits. It didn't. Q returns everything to normal and makes everyone's day by saying that Wesley Crusher is still alive. Apparently, the producers spent almost three months looking for a bald rabbit, just for this episode. 34. The search for Wesley ------------------------- Captain Picard decides to search for Wesley Crusher. Although, he does not really wish to find him, knowing his whereabouts would make it easier to stay away from him. Crew morale is at an all time low. The same with the audience. The search continues... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ : Denis Pack : dr_pack@gu.uwa.edu.au : +61 9 332 1088 : +61 9 351 2902 : ------------------------------------------------------------------------ :UFOlogy 101: Learn how to build your very own UFO. Fool your friends. : :Scare your neighbours. Get shot down by the Air Force and never be : :heard from again. Enrole now at a University near you! : ------------------------------------------------------------------------