Newsgroups: rec.humor Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!sdd.hp.com!network.ucsd.edu!munnari.oz.au!bruce.cs.monash.edu.au!monu6!aurora.cc.monash.edu.au!ins499y From: ins499y@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au (Okesan (N Bailey)) Subject: Canonical List of Waiter, Waiter Jokes Message-ID: Keywords: Canonical Jokes Waiter Sender: news@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au (Usenet system) Organization: Monash University, Melb., Australia. Date: Fri, 4 Jun 1993 02:33:40 GMT Lines: 168 I hereby submit these jokes as "The Canonical List of Waiter, Waiter Jokes" Enjoy! If anyone has any more, or there is already a canonical list, please e-mail me: ins499y@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au Okesan (3/6/93) *========================================================================* Waiter, Waiter, there's a flea in my soup! - I'll tell him to hop it. Waiter, Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? - Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir. Waiter, Waiter, my plate's wet! - That's not wet, sir - that's the soup! Waiter, Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal. - I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner. Waiter, Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal? - That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea. Waiter, Waiter, this soup tastes funny? So why don't you laugh? Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup. - What do you expect for $1 - a live one? Waiter, Waiter, there's a bird in my soup. - That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup. Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup. - Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers. Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! - Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one... Waiter, Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud! - I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago. Waiter, Waiter, your tie is in my soup! - That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable. Waiter, Waiter, your thumb's in my soup! - That's all right, sir, it's not hot. Waiter, Waiter, what's this in my soup? - I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another. Waiter, Waiter, do you serve crabs? - Sit down, sir - we serve anyone. Waiter, Waiter, have you got asparagus? - We don't serve sparrers and my name is not Gus! Waiter, Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag? - The head waiter says you eat like a horse. Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup! - Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them. Waiter, Waiter, this bun tastes of soap. - That's right, sir - it's a bathbun. Waiter, Waiter, there's a twig in my soup. - Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere. Waiter, Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather. - I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir. Waiter, Waiter, if this is plaice then I'm an idiot. You're right, sir - it *is* plaice. Waiter, Waiter, I think I'd like a little game. - Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir? Waiter, Waiter, is this all you've got to eat? - No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home. Waiter, Waiter, I'll have soup and fish. - I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn. Waiter, Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig! - I'm doing my best, sir. Waiter, Waiter, bring me tea without milk. - We haven't any milk, sir. How about tea without cream? Waiter, Waiter, how long will my sausages be? - Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky. Waiter, Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong. - Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak. Waiter, Waiter, I'll have a chop; no - make that a steak. - I'm a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician! Waiter, Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner. - It's in the sausages, sir. Waiter, Waiter, where is my honey? - She left last week, sir. Waiter, Waiter, there's a hair my honey. - It must have dropped off the comb, sir! Waiter, Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb! - Yes, it's very popular, sir. Waiter, Waiter, this bread's got sand in it. - That's to stop the butter slipping off, sir. Waiter, Waiter, there's a button in my soup. - Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere. Waiter, Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie. - So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you? Waiter, Waiter, there's a worm on my plate. - That's your sausage, sir. Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. - That's all right, sir, he won't drink much. Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup. - So what do you expect me to do - call a lifeguard? Waiter, Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup? - I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller. Waiter, Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap. - Then that must be tea, sir - the coffee tastes like glue. Waiter, Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here. - That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well! == Waiter, Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop? - Can't you tell by the taste? No, I can't - Then what does it matter? == Waiter, Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without. - Without what, sir? Without your thumb in it! == Waiter, Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole. - Fillet? Yes, to the brim. == Waiter, Waiter, I'll pay my bill now. - This $10 note is bad, sir. So was the meal. == Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my butter. - No there isn't. I tell you there is a fly in my butter! - And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't butter, it's margarine - so there! == Waiter, Waiter, how long have you been here? - Six months, sir. Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order. == Waiter, Waiter, I can't eat this! - Why not sir? You haven't given me a knife and fork. == Waiter, Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw. - I expect he's been in a fight, sir. Well, bring me the winner! == Waiter, Waiter, have you got frogs' legs? - Certainly , sir. Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak! == Waiter, Waiter, does the pianist play requests? - Yes, sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal. == Waiter, Waiter, my bill please. - How did you find your luncheon, sir? With a magnifying glass. == Waiter, Waiter, == Waiter, Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy chips and a portion of watery cabbage. - We don't do food like that, sir! You did yesterday.. == Waiter, Waiter, what do you call this? - Cottage pie, sir. Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door. == Waiter, Waiter, what do you call this? - That's been soup, sir. I don't care what it's been, what is it now? == Waiter, Waiter, I'll have the pie, please. - Anything with it, sir? If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel. == Waiter, Waiter, I'll have my bill now. How did you find your steak, sir? Oh, I just move the potato and there it was. -- /**** Okesan is ins499y@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au ****/